Mar 17 2012

Carl Shinyama’s Review Forum

Published by at 4:43 pm under Review Forums

Carl: “I’d love to see the feedback on my comic book, ‘The Aloha Girl’ (currently in development).”

14 responses so far

14 Responses to “Carl Shinyama’s Review Forum”

  1. Carl Shinyamaon 25 Mar 2012 at 10:16 pm

    When the Kingdom of Hawaii launched a successful surprise attack on all U.S. military posts residing in the Hawaiian islands, reclaiming all of the islands under the rule of the Kingdom, it results in a full-scale confrontation between themselves and the United states.

    With no monarch in place and unable to reactivate the entire government without the monarch and the Legislative Assembly (Hawaii was a constititional monarchy before their overthrow), the acting Council of Regency (composed of self-appointed representatives whose sole responsibility is to reconvene the Legislative Assembly) sought identify qualified candidates to be elected by the people of Hawaii as the monarch. To do so without the distraction of the imminent confrontation, the council placed a satellite into space, in which it would beam a force field down around the entire Hawaiian archipelago, buying themselves some time.

    Well-known for her pacifist efforts to persuade the current U.S. president to honor the long-standing executive agreement between former Queen Liliu’okalani and former President Grover (in which the United States would remove American Military occupation from the Hawaiian islands and restore the rule of their kingdom), 17-year old Hawaiian demigodess and high school prodigy, Makena is identified by the council as a strong candidate.

    Eager to minimize bloodshed, Makena consents, but she, along with other highly-qualified candidates, must prove their worth.

    To prove her worth, Makena must display quintessential traits befitting Hawaiian sovereignty – namely a high knowledge of the Hawaiian culture, arts, language, history, and possess a high degree of political and battle finesse – before submitting herself to be elected by the people of the Kingdom of Hawaii.

    But when the United States disables the satellite, Makena and the other candidates must unite the people of the islands and defend themselves against the United States without a monarch.

  2. Carl Shinyamaon 25 Mar 2012 at 10:18 pm

    By the way, the story takes place a few years into the future.

  3. Crescon 25 Mar 2012 at 11:39 pm

    It sounds like you have extensive knowledge of Hawaii. Sounds like a story of destiny and responsibility. I like the setting and themes so far.

  4. Carl Shinyamaon 26 Mar 2012 at 1:38 am

    Yeah, I certainly did my research!

  5. crescon 27 Mar 2012 at 1:51 pm

    I was reading about this time period in Hawai’ian history last night. The setting is fascinating and storyline brings to mind Ender’s Game (please consider that a major compliment.)

    Do you have any script or development pictures yet? I didn’t see any on your deviantart page.

  6. YoungAuthoron 27 Mar 2012 at 7:18 pm

    thumbs up! gotta love an author that does his research

  7. Carl Shinyamaon 27 Mar 2012 at 9:10 pm

    @ Cresc:

    Ender’s game? Wow, yes, I am very flattered you’re comparing my synopsis to that book. I haven’t read it, but I know that it was a highly regarded science-fiction book, and Orson Scott Card is a fantastic writer (I love what he did with Ultimate Iron Man).

    At the moment, the script is under development (mostly because I spent a lot more energy working with my writer buddy on developing my other book), and I only have this illustration of Makena:

    As we speak, that illustration is being colored by the very talented Brett Evans.

    @ YoungAuthor:

    Thank you.

    Yes, I feel the same way. I find that the more well-researched the author is, the more believable his story will sound.

  8. Carl Shinyamaon 29 Mar 2012 at 12:01 pm

    I’m working on a single-sentence pitch:

    “In the future, a teenaged Hawaiian demigoddess must defend Hawaii in a war against the United States.”

    Let me know what you think, whether it sounds boring or if I need to add something to that sentence, like what exactly the stakes are, or anything else, really. I love feedback.

  9. Carl Shinyamaon 29 Mar 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Actually, I think it does need to tell what’s at stake, but I worry it might convolute the pitch.

    I’m not sure it sounds redundant, but let me try it:

    “In the future, a teenaged demigoddess must defend Hawaii in a war against the United States.”

    Hm… that is a little better.

    I can’t help but feel it sounds a little dry, so how about this:

    “In the future, when the Kingdom of Hawaii begins a war against the United States to regain their islands, a teenaged demigoddess must help them defend it or risk total annihilation.”

  10. Revengelon 29 Mar 2012 at 1:22 pm

    *headdesk* Sorry – I’d remove my reply if I could (read that quickly here at work)

    I think the second version of the pitch sentence works very well!

  11. B. McKenzieon 29 Mar 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Hi, Revengel. I’ve removed your reply.

  12. crescon 30 Mar 2012 at 6:51 pm

    How about:

    “In the future Hawaiian fights for independence from the United States, and must find the one child that can lead them to victory.”

  13. Carl Shinyamaon 30 Mar 2012 at 7:56 pm

    I really like it! Except it makes Makena sound too much like a chosen one, which is not what I’m going for. I think I might use your suggestion as a base.

  14. Carl Shinyamaon 31 Mar 2012 at 5:22 pm

    Working on some character development, so here are some important characters, their occupation, and their three most important character traits:

    Main Character:

    – Makena: 17-year old demigoddess, high school student and famous hula dancer among locals, who call her The Aloha Girl. (Her powers include: The Aloha Girl has super-strength*, hyper-agility, and superhuman durability**.) Most important traits are: Pacifist, loyal, and stubborn.

    Major supporting characters:

    – La’amea: ‘Alihi Kaua (General) of the Hawaiian sovereign army. Most important traits: Clever, calculating, practical.

    – Dr. Kaliko Sawyer: International Law expert, and acting Chairman of the Council of Regency. Most important traits: Faithful, highly trusting, shy.

    – Manalani: Snow demigoddess, and Makena’s social and monarchical rival. Most important traits are: Quick-witted, condescending, and slutty.

    – Keoni: Politician, former Hawaii State Governor candidate. Another monarchical candidate. Most important traits are: Opportunist, analytical, and people-reader.

    – Ikaika: Womanizing warrior demigod. Dominant UFC fighter (succeeds through mastery of Lua, the Hawaiian martical arts). Another monarchical candidate. Most important traits: Courageous, loquacious, and shallow.

    – Kini: Celebrity surfer. Descended from chiefly ancestors. Another monarchical candidate. Most important traits: Humorous, crafty, and suave.

    – Pomai’ilani: International law student and feminist. Another monarchical candidate. Most important qualities: Clever, “by-the-book”, and papaya addict.

    – Ka’iulani: Demigoddess; intellectual. Airline stewardess. Descended from chiefly ancestors. Monarchical candidate. Most important traits: Fair, empathic, and, free-spirited.

    – Wayne “Mano Kanaka” Dela Cruz: Shark-man demigod and fisherman. Descended from chiefly ancestors. Monarchical candidate. Most important traits: Insomniac, natural leader, and addicted to cooking shows.

    – Haka – Expert in Hawaiian religion and history. Kahuna ‘ana ‘ana (sorceress). Monarchical candidate. Most important traits: Perceptive, empathic, and dorky.


    Other supporting characters:

    – Makena’s mother: Restaurant owner/Luau organizer. Most important traits: Stubborn, stubborn, and stubborn. (Oh, and she’s opinionated).

    – Hokulani: Makena’s childhood friend. Most important traits: Humorous, fashionable, and jealous.

    – Christine: Makena’s new friend, recently moved from the mainland, doesn’t know much about Hawaii (her role is to learn about Hawaiian customs among contemporary locals that most Americans are unfamiliar with – lots of potential for humorous cultural exchanges). Most important traits: Shy, clumsy, and loves to read.


    * Superstrength: Makena is far from possessing Supergirl-level strength; She can lift around 5 tons, which is more around Spider-woman’s range.

    ** She can handle falling from two or three stories, but point-blank gunfire from high-powered firearms could be enough to fatally injure her.

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