Mar 02 2012

MoguMogu’s Review Forum

Published by at 11:35 pm under Review Forums

MoguMogu writes: “A socially inept loner is thrust into the world of superheroes against her will. She can either run away and and abandon everyone that needs her or fight it out at the cost of her health and sanity. She doesn’t want to be famous or save the world; she just wants to be left alone.


Target audience: Humans. Preferably alive.


I’m looking to get published, so in the form of reviews, spare nothing. As long as it’s constructive, I’ll take it.”

18 responses so far

18 Responses to “MoguMogu’s Review Forum”

  1. Anonymouson 09 Mar 2012 at 10:47 am

    Plot: Tess prefers to be alone, or at least that’s what she convinces herself to believe. She’s that quiet kid that sits in the back of your class that may or may not be plotting everyone’s murder. But Tess is happy like this, isn’t she? Her quiet school life quickly ends when she somehow gains a superpower, enhanced speed. Of course, she could just ignore it if she wanted to and everything might have gone back to normal. Too bad another meddling classmate, Sean, finds out about her “fortunate predicament”.
    Now he won’t get out of her life because, “She has a cool power and should use it to help clean up some of the mess in this world”. And this is exactly how she’s suddenly become a superhero, Blue Rush. But Tess can’t juggle hero work and life responsibilities at the same time. No sleep and multiple injuries begin to catch up with her and she might just be going crazy. But like Sean keeps painfully reminding her, she can’t just abandon everyone that needs her. Driven into a corner, she has two obvious options and one desperate exit that’s looking better each day.

  2. B. McKenzieon 09 Mar 2012 at 11:12 am

    The unwilling hero angle sounds pretty interesting here.

  3. MoguMoguon 09 Mar 2012 at 11:13 am

    One of my comments is trapped in the spam filter I think. Help pls :C

  4. B. McKenzieon 09 Mar 2012 at 11:21 am

    I checked the spam filter but I don’t see any comments from you.

  5. MoguMoguon 09 Mar 2012 at 12:45 pm

    The site told me I already posted. Thank goodness for clipboard 🙂
    Tess – Quiet, withdrawn, she doesn’t do much to stand out because she “prefers to be alone”. In actuality, she’s not confident in herself, which is why she doesn’t do much. Still working on her character though.

    Sean – Pretty much Tess’ opposite: loud, energetic, and too impulsive for his own good. Once he finds Tess, he latches onto her like glue. He apparently likes to guilt trip her into becoming a hero and staying that way, but more for himself than for her. He’s a hero as well, but doesn’t have powers, using instead mundane weapons.

    Clover – Still working on her, she’s going to be a rival hero and antagonist.


    Problems: I’m wondering how she’s going to accidentally get her powers. Maybe have it ingested in some way. I was thinking syringe, but I don’t know how to do it without it being awkward.

  6. MoguMoguon 09 Mar 2012 at 8:46 pm

    I’ve been wondering if it’s believable to have Tess pressured into being a hero. Does it feel too contrived or does it all matter on if I do it right?

    Currently it goes like this: Sean finds out she’s got powers and does all he can to make her a hero because he’s lonely. Sure there’s a couple heroes here and there, but they don’t all work together because each one has a different stance on issues. For instance, Sean has this “code” going on and one of the things in it is that he refuses to kill anyone unless absolutely necessary (and even then, he wavers). So he keeps her close more for his sake than hers, he needs a friend who understands him. Tess doesn’t want to, but feels terrible about not being able to do something when it’s in her power to do so. And Sean’s really pushy about that.
    Is this okay or should I spend more time on thinking of another reason?

  7. NeonFractionon 14 Mar 2012 at 5:37 am

    The problem with ‘unwilling’ hero, is that they’re not the one driving the plot. A main character has to drive the plot, make things happen, and be the decision maker. At this point, I think Sean would make a better main character than Tess.

    It’s hard to sympathize with someone who puts their own normal lives above other people without a really really good reason. Although, it’s been done well before, most memorably in dark deconstruction Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Basically, to pull off a ‘wanting a normal life’ vs ‘being a superhero’ you’d need something about their normal life that holds just as much weight as being a super hero. For example, a single parent, dealing with raising a deeply traumatized child or someone who’s in horrible debt that leaves them just one lost job away from starving to death on the streets. Just ‘wanting to be like everyone else’ seems whiny and self indulgent unless they have a good reason. Great power, great responsibility and all.

    The overall idea is interesting, don’t get me wrong. It’s just all in how you plan to handle it. I think the idea of someone being forced into being a hero at first can be endlessly fascinating depending on how it’s done.

  8. MoguMoguon 14 Mar 2012 at 9:26 am

    Ooh, yes PMMM has a great example on that. Most people had the mindset that Madoka was an uninteresting character, but if you actually get to thinking and really dig deep, you can see that 1) Homura made her as dependent as she is now and 2) The way she is now is actually better because it allows her to break the system and it’s the hard way for her to develop as a character.

    Urobuchi-san has stated though that Sayaka was the central protag even though Madoka was the MC.

    “Wanting to be like everyone else” – Ew no, I’d never use that for anything in a story. Especially considering.

    That’s one of my main concerns, I don’t feel there’s enough to warrant her to stay a hero if she doesn’t want to. Doing it “because it’s the right thing to do” and “if I don’t, people could die/be hurt” doesn’t really feel strong at all. Help?

  9. NeonFractionon 14 Mar 2012 at 8:45 pm

    I’m dealing with the same problem right now, in a kingdom-and-knights story and I’ve found that once you know who your character is, you know why they do things.

    Giving someone a past is a good way to find your character’s motivation. I’d stay away from things like ‘parents died, abused, etc.’ just because those have been done to death and it’s hard to empathize with generic formulas. It’s also incorrect to think that to be highly influential on someone’s life, an event has to be something something huge.

    An example could be a character that’s jaded and doesn’t trust people. You could have his backstory be something like: He was abused and betrayed by his best best friend for a more popular crowd.’ It could be interesting, as all things could, depending on how you handled it, but it’s very generic. Something like: ‘He worked for a debt collecting agency for 8 years and saw the things people did to get out of paying what they owed. He even lent his own money to a single mother of 4 he was supposed to be collecting money from, knowing full well she never paid back her debts, but foolishly believing it would be different with him.”

    It’s still a big event in his life, but it’s not the basic ‘shock tragedy’ that gets overused so much. An even smaller example would be if he didn’t trust people because he lied to people all the time and assumed they’d do the same. That doesn’t even need an event.

    I’m not sure if I’m making much sense, but for deciding character motivations in a different way, you could consider finding which direction their motivation comes from, instead of a specific motivation. Inner motivation (wanting to help people, wanting to be special) outer motivation (her friend nearly forcing her into it, wanting to save the people she loves from a villain) or immediate motivation (saving someone because they can clear her name for a crime, stopping a bank robbery because she was in the bank when it happened). Once you decide which angle their motivation is coming from, it’s easier to find out what type of person they are and find the specifics.

  10. MoguMoguon 14 Mar 2012 at 10:45 pm

    NO EW, I can’t stand those types of Mary Sue pasts. They are like, just ugh.

    Geh, you’re making perfect sense, don’t worry. It’s all on me and how I build/develop my characters. It’s a weird process. I’m still mulling over her motivations, sumthin will come up sooner or later.

    Though for Tess’ past, she’s lived an okay childhood. She’s an only child raised by her mother only, living paycheck to paycheck. Nothing traumatic or anything. She’s that “I don’t want to get involved” type of person. As for why she’s like that, I’m still thinking. It’s definitely inner motivation though.

    Ahh, thank you for your help <333 I appreciate it tons.

  11. MoguMoguon 18 Mar 2012 at 8:01 pm

    I sort of have a background for Tess.
    As a child, she’s moved around constantly and doesn’t enjoy many luxuries because of her mom’s small income. Growing up, she’s experienced how cruel people can be and becomes guarded. This is the reason why she doesn’t open up to people and prefers to be alone.
    Her mother, being an immigrant, had a rough start and still has yet to master the English language. But she’s a trooper and always pulls through. Tess loves her mom more than anything in the world.

    So I might have Tess reject being a hero because it “doesn’t pay the bills”. Is there any way this line of work could become more lucrative?

  12. B. McKenzieon 18 Mar 2012 at 11:57 pm

    “Is there any way this line of work could become more lucrative?” If she has super-speed, presumably she’d be much faster at pretty much any job. In any job where speed and/or reflexes were critical, she’d be dynamite.

    Some possible examples:
    –Banks might put her on retainer as a security consultant. In the event of a bank robbery or a hostage situation, the bank might find it really helpful to have ready access to somebody that can solve the problem without any bullets fired or any collateral damage. I bet she can find 20+ banks that would be willing to pay $5,000 each to have a superhero on speed-dial. (One potential hold-up: it’d be a lot easier for her to find work in this field if she’s successfully resolved a bank situation before in a very professional, minimally violent fashion).

    –She might do some unusual consulting with police departments. For example, if she’s fast enough to pick up a bomb and move it somewhere unoccupied before it can explode, she could make quite a lot of money as a freelance bomb “defuser.” Normally, calling in a bomb squad is an expensive hassle–buildings get evacuated, traffic in the area gets shut down, and training/maintaining a bomb squad is not cheap. She could offer police a much better option: for (say) $2000, she’ll dispose of it without the police wasting hundreds of hours of manpower or evacuating any buildings.

    –If she cares more about solving her money problems than about potential ethical considerations, I suspect she could have a dynamite career in professional sports or certain video games*. (If she can think and respond much more quickly than most professional gamers, I’m guessing she’d easily crack the mid-six figures in annual winnings in Starcraft. Especially if she can pull off anything like the Overmind AI can).

  13. YAon 20 Mar 2012 at 12:57 pm

    hey there MoguMogu! 🙂 Just wondering, will her being paid to be a superhero be the main theme of the story?

  14. MoguMoguon 20 Mar 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Hai there o/ Nope, it’ll be something else.

  15. YAon 20 Mar 2012 at 5:37 pm

    what will it be?

  16. MoguMoguon 20 Mar 2012 at 7:39 pm

    I was hoping you wouldn’t ask me XD I dunno yet. I’m still nano-ing this novel, so it’s just going where it wants to go and being what it wants to be.

  17. MoguMoguon 04 Apr 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Because I am forever lazy, I will copypasta from my journal. I’ve been mulling this story over in my head for some time and this happened:

    “I’m using the song “Los Caminos de la Vida” as a base for the story. The song basically talks about how life’s paths aren’t as easy as he (the singer) thought when he was younger. It goes on to say how his mother worked so hard for him and his brother, but now she’s tired and he wants to help her. And even though life has to end eventually, he wants to do this for her. It’s really touching and I kinda realized, this is completely Tess.

    In a way, Tess parallels my mother and I somewhat. This was completely by accident because I wasn’t planning on making her that way. Tess’ mother is an immigrant, she worked long and hard to help her daughter live a normal life. She’s been betrayed, ridiculed, pushed around by almost everyone as she tries to make a living. Her husband left her when she was pregnant with Tess, so there was no help there. They live from paycheck to paycheck, in a rundown apartment that looks like it’ll fall apart any second.

    Tess has moved around from place to place, never being able to hold friendships with people for very long because of that. She’s been at her mother’s side her whole life and has witnessed how cruel people can be when someone is in need and ignorant. She’s become jaded and doesn’t trust people anymore and doesn’t want to try because what’s the point if it could break apart at any second.

    Tess loves her mother more than anything in the world and wants to help her mother and help ease some of that burden she has.”

    tl;dr Tess cares only about her mother and helping her mother and doesn’t trust people anymore.

  18. MoguMoguon 04 Apr 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Oh I thought of something, what if Tess is paid to help the bad guys? Mostly with stuff like thievery and such, but not like a hitman or anything.

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