Jan 07 2012

Young Author’s Review Forum

Published by at 9:24 pm under Review Forums

Please see the comments below.  Thanks!

86 responses so far

86 Responses to “Young Author’s Review Forum”

  1. YoungAuthoron 21 Jan 2012 at 1:02 pm

    here’s a couple excerpts from my story. My main character is name is Tyler Jameson. He is 16 his mother is the great Laser, while his step-dad is the almighty Zeus. (recognized as the best superhero ever in this universe.) His step-brother Aaron Rodriguez (also 16) takes after the super powers of his father (flight, super-strength, and electricity) while Tyler takes his mothers power of heat vison, and his father (unknown to him until later) super-speed. they are juniors in high school, so i’ve lightly incorporated some high-school like themes such as popularity and the pressure to get “hot” girls. There are two heavy supporting characters named DeAndre (Icy Hot) and Kane (Scarlet Avenger). I’ve just started but i’ve put some real work into this. ALL FEEDBACK IS WELCOME!!! Target audience (13 and up)

  2. Wolfdude131on 22 Jan 2012 at 2:41 pm

    What is Kane trying to avenge?

    and are they in a normal highschool or one for purely sperpowered teens?

    what are the characters personalities like? all you’ve told us so far is names and powers and maybe a setting. but what about the characters?!!

  3. Cuddleson 23 Jan 2012 at 12:15 am

    I would discourage the use of “IcyHot” as a superhero codename, because it immediately makes me think of the topical stuff you rub on arthritic joints and sprained muscles. Unless of course, you have that character relentlessly teased for choosing that name, which could provide for some hilarious and interesting dialogue. No personal offense intended.

  4. YoungAuthoron 23 Jan 2012 at 2:45 pm

    yeah i had made so it was supposed to be funny and so that he would get teased. but if you have any other suggestions those are welcome! Thank you!

  5. Cuddleson 23 Jan 2012 at 4:37 pm

    I would keep it, if only because most writers who pick super-names that are difficult to take seriously tend to do so uncritically. I feel like a hero with an unintentionally hilarious name would be kind of refreshing in this context.

  6. Anonymouson 23 Jan 2012 at 10:16 pm

    @Wolfdude131, Kane is like a batman character who’s parents and family were murdered by two villains. He uses this as motivation (like batman) and he tries to extinguish crime in the city. (Vera city= veracity= truth) they’re in a normal highschool and their trying to keep their powers under wraps, so ill have some scenes where they have conflicts with that.

    Tyler Jameson- pretty meek character who is the main character. has super-speed and laser/heat vision. parents are two of the worlds most famous superheroes but his real father is a villain who later dies a hero. takes charge at the end of story like a general, settles into a strong role. (Acceleration)

    Aaron Rodriguez- step-brother of Tyler. cocky, popular kid. powers include flight, power over electricity, and super-strength. he later becomes partly evil but returns to the good side. (Volt)

    Kane Wright- see above. hardened by the deaths of his family, he tries to extinguish crime. hatred for criminals. actually kills criminals for a change (Scarlet or Crimson Avenger)

    DeAndre Miller- comdian, athletic, slightly popular, parents are famous heroes too. powers of ice and fire generation, flight. minor character. (Icy Hot)

    Lindsey Summers- love interest of Tyler. power over water as well had enhanced reflexes which are found out later. parents are two dead super villains. hero. (Waverider)

    Vanessa Nixon- girlfriend of Aaron who is really villain, power of dark magic and flight. minor character

    Zeus- father of Aaron and step-father of Tyler. (equivalent of superman in popularity) same powers as Aaron.

    Laser- mother of Tyler and step-mother to Aaron. Can fly along with generate heat energy.

    Freeze- father of DeAndre- power over ice.

    Human Volcano- mother of DeAndre power over fire and flight.

    Darkhorse- Tyler’s real father, who later dies. goes from hero to villain to hero. super-speed.

    Hades- minor antagonist. sworn enemy of Zeus and Laser. killed Kane’s father (Savior).

    Demon- evil, power over fire along with super speed and strength. killed the rest fo Kanes family.

    Beast- shape shifter, evil

    Death Adder- main antagonist. super-strength, super speed, poisonous bite. mob boss. has cronies to do things for him.

    Blood Red- assasain for Death Adder -enhanced reflexes

    Annihilation- assasain for Death Adder- enhanced reflexes

    Massacre- assasain for Death Adder- enhanced reflexes becomes a slight love interest for Kane.

    Executioner- assasain for Death Adder- enhanced reflexes

    This is my cast of characters. other may be added. there are other s that only appear for a scene or two so they are insignificant.

    Keep responding!!! thank you!

  7. YoungAuthoron 23 Jan 2012 at 10:16 pm

    ^Thats mine

  8. L05T 80Yon 23 Jan 2012 at 10:58 pm

    [moved to How to Name Superheroes]

  9. B. McKenzieon 24 Jan 2012 at 1:08 am

    Hello, YA.

    –By my count, you have something like 20 superpowered characters, including several characters with backstories that sound somewhat involved (like DH going from a hero to a villain and back again to a hero, Tyler’s family history and Aaron’s tryst with evil). It may help to merge some of the characters (like a few of Death Adder’s assassins) and/or demote them to insignificant status. The most intuitive solution to me is merging and/or slashing several villains, because a cast with many heroes and side-characters generally leaves less room for villains. By my count, you currently have 9 villains (Vanessa, Hades, Demon, Beast, Death Adder, BR, Annihilation, Massacre and Executioner, NOT counting the partly evil Kane and Darkhorse). Could you cut the 9 villains to, say, 3? For example, in a cast this large, it might be worth tweaking Death Adder into a criminal that does most of his own work rather than handing it off to henchmen because there are so many superpowered characters already. One advantage of doing so is that it would give you more space/time to develop a few interesting villains rather than a horde of guys that may have too little space to be as interesting as they could have been.

    –From the description of Aaron and Kane, it sounds like they may be mergeable. Unless there’s a really solid reason that the characters need to be separate, I’d recommend considering it.

    –It may feel contrived* that superpowered Aaron just happens to be dating someone that’s a superpowered villain, unless of course she was specifically targeting him because she knew he was a hero. (*A contrivance is when a major plot event happens by unbelievably good/bad luck, unless it’s part of the premise).

    –So far, I’m not quite yet getting the impression that the characters’ personalities and key traits have a major impact on the plot. Whenever you do get ready to submit to publishers (which could be months or years from now—no rush), I would recommend making it clearer how the character’s personalities shape major unusual decisions in the story. For example, Tyler is meek. What’s something meek he does that most other superhero protagonists wouldn’t do in the same situation? How is Aaron’s popularity, or really anybody’s popularity, substantial enough to the plot to be worth noting? What’s something interesting about Lindsay’s personality?

    –Another trick that could reduce the time needed for peripheral characters would be demoting a few of the superpowered parents to just regular parents. I think superpowered characters tend to take more space because, when a character is more unusual than normal, the unusualness almost always takes at least some space to describe.

  10. YoungAuthoron 24 Jan 2012 at 5:04 am

    A lot of the hench men are minor characters and play small but important roles. before i get the the “finale” scene, a couple of them will be dead like executioner and annihilation. but i see what your saying, thanks for the input. Kane is still a super-hero, he just kills his enemies for a change. Darkhorse was superhero changed to villain, got locked up, escaped and mentors Tyler for a day before dying heroically.
    Heroes like Freeze and Human volcano are very minor characters along with beast and demon. While Death Adder has BR and Annhilation to do stuff, he still does stuff too. Thanks and keep commenting!

  11. HomuHomuon 24 Jan 2012 at 6:38 am

    Huge casts tend to make for uninteresting characters because there’s not enough room to develop them. If you keep that in mind, you might avert it.

    In my opinion, merging Kane and Aaron sounds genius 🙂 I don’t know the latter’s backstory, but he could be the adopted brother who sort of unwillingly becomes a villain through his acts of vengeance. His personality could aid in him turning a blind eye to anyone calling him out at first. Then it could go two ways, up or down. Just my 2 cents.

    Lost Boy, I would recommend in the future to keep those types of questions for the appropriate articles. It seems rude to intrude on someone else’s review forum if you aren’t reviewing. Even if YA doesn’t mind, someone else might.

  12. YoungAuthoron 24 Jan 2012 at 4:05 pm

    i just put every person who appeared in my story, so like 5-8 of them are solid characters while only 1-4 truly develop. (Ex. Zeus is a recurring figure, but he stays static or doesn’t change. Tyler starts out with low self-esteem but then grows to become very confident.) While i appreciate the suggestion of a Kane and Aaron merger, they are really two different characters with two different paths. Like after, Aaron will take Zeus’s mantle as head hero while Kane will lead a vigilante group full of people with powers just like him that kill villains, just like him.

  13. HomuHomuon 24 Jan 2012 at 6:04 pm

    As long as it all works and it’s engaging enough, there shouldn’t be a problem.

  14. YoungAuthoron 24 Jan 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Thank you!

  15. Cuddleson 25 Jan 2012 at 1:00 am

    Two notes on Kane: First of all, the name “Crimson Avenger” has already been used by various DC heroes (the original was a member of the Golden Age Seven Soldiers of Victory and another worked with the Justice Society at one point), but Scarlet Avenger is more or less free.

    Second, what I’m getting here as a general overview of his character is that he’s a high school student with an origin just like Batman’s and a penchant for murdering criminals. On a surface level, this description seems a bit too close for comfort. I’m not saying it’s unworkable or that you should ditch the character. I’m saying that you will have to pay special attention to this character specifically to make him a believable and, more importantly, unique character so that he doesn’t read like an ersatz Batman.

    Keep this in mind as you write, paying special attention to behavior and personality traits and you should find a way to flesh him out.

  16. YoungAuthoron 25 Jan 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Thank you for the search on his name and i’ll try to keep this batman-similarity in mind! I’d liked to have Kane similar to batman, but I try to differentiate him from batman also. i gave him a red and black costume, kinda like spider-man’s but a darker red, and a black tatoo design. He has weapons straped to his body like guns, a bow or crossbow, sai’s and throwing knives. personality wise i have him start off as outgoing, but then change him to a dark character, completely focused on his work of eradicating evil.

    I’m just writing a base storyline for my story, which will be like 60-80 pages. then i’ll start inserting more events and fleshing out characters.

    Thank you all and keep looking, i’ll have parts of my story up here soon!!!

  17. Anonymouson 27 Jan 2012 at 5:39 am

    here’s an action scene from my story, feel free to input any advice.

    “Come meet our friends,” said Death Adder. “Don’t be shy.” Aaron and Kane had the feeling that whoever was inside the other car definitely wasn’t a shy type of person. The car door opened to reveal two of the deadliest killers the world had ever seen. Blood Red and Annihilation. Then two figures stepped out of the car, both dressed in similar suits.
    “Speechless?” goaded Death Adder. “There’s no need for introductions for two of them. However, you must be wondering about the younglings. This is Massacre and this is the Executioner. They’re killers in training. Well, enough with the small talk. You must be wondering why we’re here, no? Well, we really don’t approve of you running around and killing our boys. That’s not ok.” With his last comment, Death Adder seemed to get slightly angry.
    “It was him,” said Aaron pointing at Kane.
    “Thanks for pointing that out” said Kane.
    With the villains’ attention on Kane, Aaron began to slowly reach for his alarm button. This would alarm his parents, who were sitting in the Laser Ray, awaiting their children.
    “Don’t try it little boy.” warned Death Adder. “Now fortunately for you, I am in need of your services. So you will come with me. Whether or not you do so willingly is totally up to you.”
    Aaron was stunned by this man’s heap of confidence. He sounded like the type of man that got what he wanted, when he wanted it, and exactly how he wanted it.
    “Well? Are you coming?” he prodded.
    “Not with out a fight you lowlife.” spat Kane. “You piece of shit. Do you actually think we’re going to hand ourselves over to you?”
    “Well, um yeah I kinda do.” said Death Adder, with out a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
    “Well then you got another thing coming asshole.” Retorted Kane. He drew two ruby-red sai’s from his belt of weapons. “I’m ready whenever.” Aaron immediately pressed his alarm button, or so he thought. When he looked down, it was missing.
    “Looking for this?” teased Death Adder. In his hand he held the missing alarm button. “Nice try kiddo. You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that to best me.”
    Kane took this as means to begin the battle. He rushed towards Blood Red, weapons in front of him. He feinted with his left, and tried to stab the villain with his right sai. His attempt failed miserably as Blood Red slapped his attack away and gave him a brutal kick to the chest that sent him flying backwards onto his back.
    “I’m not fighting you,” he said. “They are.” He raised his hand to point towards the two apprentices. Immediately, the Executioner drew a large battle-axe that seemed slightly like a play toy in against his six-foot-five frame. Massacre raised her hand to reveal two loaded wrist rockets. She quickly fired twice, once where Kane was and once where she guessed he would be. An electric shield blocked her second rocket, which would have hit Kane directly in the face.
    “Back off.” Aaron said firmly with one hand behind his back.
    “What are you going to about it?” said the Executioner, his voice reeking of hubris.
    “This” responded Aaron. He pulled his hand out from behind his back to reveal a Master Lighting Bolt. Death Adder could only stare in shock as Aaron released this powerful bolt of pure electricity. It struck Annihilation in the chest, and its repercussions also gave a brutal shock to Blood Red. The two famed killers were brought down on all fours, their bodies convulsing with pain. The two of them were very lucky that Aaron had not been able to charge it for a very long time, or else they would have been ashes. Their protégées began to retaliate fiercely with their weapons in hand. Aaron joined his friend in what was to be a fierce battle. Massacre engaged in hand-to-hand combat with Kane. She put him on the defensive immediately, striking with pace and precision. Her right hook became blurred with her left jab as Kane reeled back in an effort to avoid being struck by his enemy. Meanwhile, the Executioner swung his battle-axe at Aaron’s jugular. Aaron smiled to himself because he had been charging an electric field around his body since the time he threw the Master Lightning Bolt. The field stopped the battle-axe and also gave the Executioner a violent shock that sent him staggering backwards onto his back.
    SMACK!!! Kane received a violent backhand from Massacre that sent him spinning backwards. She capitalized on her small victory by delivering a kick to the back of his head. Kane fell onto his back feeling heavily disoriented. She raised her hand to deliver another punch, but was shocked by Aaron. Aaron had no time to enjoy this triumph as the Executioner began his attack again, this time with his fists. Aaron, who was well versed in the ways of close quarters combat, was no match for the brute strength and speed of the Executioner. He was felled with a couple of blows until he realized that these blows actually didn’t hurt. He had super-strength. He delivered an uppercut that sent the Executioner flying backwards into a wall. Aaron fired a series of small lighting blasts that shocked his adversary.
    “Always watch your back” came a voice from behind him. Aaron felt a strong blunt blow to the back of his head, knocking him unconscious. Death Adder stood over him, shaking his head in a disappointed manner.
    “Pick him up and bring him to the car” he ordered to Executioner. The large boy did as he was told. Kane, however, was keeping up his fight with Massacre. He punched. She dodged. She kicked. He flipped. He stabbed. She twisted away. She threw up a knee. He slapped it down. She tried a wrist rocket. He arced his back in a successful effort to dodge. He tried a left hook. She slipped under it. She connected a right jab. He rolled with the punch. He tried a sweeping kick. She fell only to bounce back up again. Their fight was like an intricate dance that only they knew the steps to. They were two fighters who had been trained very well. Kane finally found an opening when he kicked out her left knee. He pivoted at a rapid pace and delivered a vicious kick to her right side, knocking her down. Her pulled one of his guns only to have it knocked out of his hand by the Executioner. The Executioner had stepped in to save his partner. After Kane kicked her away, he was rushed by Executioner and pinned against the wall. Kane retaliated by bringing his knee up to the crotch of his opponent, who dropped like a stone.
    “Why the dirty move?” asked the heavily entertained Death Adder.
    “It’s a fight. Nothing is dirty.” Kane replied.
    “You little shit!” screamed Executioner. “Your gonna pay for that!”
    “Make me.” Kane said quietly as he leapt away. He then, in the moment, gave Executioner the very cliché “Bring it on” two finger salute. The executioner came at Kane, yelling at the top of his lungs. He feinted a punch at Kane’s head, making Kane raise his guard. He lashed out a ferocious punch at Kane’s stomach, sending him backwards into some trashcans. Kane slumped over onto his hands and knees just like Blood Red and Annihilation had previously. He gasped for breaths of air as he tried to regain his thoughts. He was formulating a plan when a below-the-belt jibe from Executioner set him off.
    “That attack would’ve worked on your dad. Oh wait, he’s dead. And so is the rest of your trash family. If only I was the one to do it. They would have suffered for a long, long ti-” said Executioner. He didn’t get a chance to finish as Kane flew towards him in a blind rage, punching and kicking in a flurry. A significant number of his blows landed on Executioner. Executioner’s head whipped back and forth between blows as he found it hard to breathe with the repeated punches and knees hitting his stomach and chest. Executioner landed right in front of his boss who looked at both of them with contempt.
    “I can do this all night’’ said Kane cockily.
    “Well I can not,” stated Death Adder. Death Adder appeared behind Kane and knocked him unconscious just as he had Aaron.
    “Take these scum into the car and back to my fortress. Lets get out of here.” The villainous entourage followed their leader as they drove off from the scene.

  18. YoungAuthoron 27 Jan 2012 at 5:40 am

    ^^thats mine

  19. Danion 28 Jan 2012 at 9:29 pm

    First, congratulations on writing an action scene. Half the writers I know hate them. That being said, the piece is not there yet. The main peeve of mine is the all caps and exclamation points. I like to think like Fitzgerald who said using exclamation points is like laughing at your own joke. A few places in here you need commas instead of periods but running it through Word will likely catch that. Your main bad guy Death Adder could use some more adjectives. Make people hate him (even if you have plans to redeem him later). I noticed you used the word tried quite a bit. You could remove it. Keep it fast. No was or had – too passive. You did a good job though – don’t take this as being too hard. Most of this you would find through editing. 🙂

  20. YoungAuthoron 28 Jan 2012 at 10:12 pm

    thanks! ill try to make it better!
    here’s another action scence for everyone to comment on.

    Ch. 15
    Kane was engaged in close-quarters combat with Annihilation while Blood Red was sniping at him. His concentration was being stretched thin and it was showing on his arms and legs with bruises. Kane flew backwards from a kick to the face. He rolled to his left as soon as he hit the ground and avoided having a bullet put between his eyes. Kane drew his Berretta only to have it knocked out of his hand. Annihilation kicked in the stomach while Kane watched his gun roll down the street.
    “You’re father wouldn’t even be this weak” Annihilation taunted. Kane slapped her with right hand as soon as the words left her mouth. He utilized his anger and transferred it into combat. He punched and kicked, each strike precise, vicious, and calculated. He hit her jaw with his right fist seconds before his left hook caught her in the temple. He pivoted low to escape a bullet from Blood Red. As he rose back to his feet, he drew his bow from his back where it was holstered. He fired off two arrows while Annihilation found her way to her feet. One arrow missed, but one arrow found its way into the right hand of Blood Red. Blood spurted from Blood Red’s hand as he cried out in pain and screamed curses. Kane re-holstered his bow as Annihilation steadied herself. Kane pickup where he left off, battering her with an onslaught of fists and knees. She dodged one of his more forceful attacks, catching him off balance. Kane felt a sharp pain in his left side as Annihilation stabbed a throwing knife into his side. Blood pooled around the wound as Kane bit back cries of pain.
    “Are you the only member of you family who doesn’t scream in pain and moments of hopelessness.” Annihilation taunted. Kane screamed and caught hold of her head in hands. He tried to drive her skull into the sidewalk but she kicked him off of her with both legs. Kane landed deftly in a crouching position. He went into pushup position to dodge a wild sniper shot from Blood Red. Kane released one of the yellow vials from his belt. He threw it into the window where Blood Red was. He heard a loud scream and both he and Annihilation paused to look over. Blood Red happened to be looking out the window when the vial hit him in the throat. The acid entered his mouth and burned a whole in his neck and the glass shrapnel only made worse. Blood Red fell out of the window and hit the sidewalk with a resounding SMACK!! His body broke apart upon contact and sprayed everything within fifteen yards including Kane and Annihilation.
    “You. Just. Killed. My. Husband. You. Killed. My. Son. Now. You. Are. Going. To. Die. A. Miserable. Death.” Annihilation spoke very slowly, every word laced with venom. She gave Kane a look that could kill as she stared him down.
    “Bring it bitch!” said Kane. He drew his sai’s. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself because he knew that he had the advantage. He knew that he had to stay calm.
    “You’re going to wish you died with the rest of your family.” Annihilation said as she began to attack him.
    “Big talk for a small bitch.” jibed Kane between dodging attacks and carrying out a few of his own. She screamed with anger and broke through one of Kane’s blocks to deliver a punch to his nose. He felt a small crack that made his eyes water. He lashed out with his right sai and caught her in the soft flesh between her neck and left shoulder. This would normally stop most people but few things can stop an angry mother. Annihilation picked Kane up from the ground and slammed him back down. Kane held on to her by wrapping his legs and arms around her back. She slammed him again and again onto the pavement and the pain was starting to take a toll on Kane. Kane realized that if he were to survive, he would have to create separation.
    “Your daughter said she wanted to sleep with me. That was before I raped h-’’ Kane tried to finish his insult but found that it was too hard a feat to accomplish as he sailed twenty feet in the air. He crashed into a ’09 Ford F-150 and slumped down, leaving a large dent. He pointed his sai’s out and felt Annihilation hit them at full speed with a fatal crunch. Both impaled her through her chest. Kane slid them out as he stood up and dried them on the back of her costume.
    “My job’s done, who needs help?” yelled Kane to the other heroes.
    “I do!” yelled DeAndre as he flew backwards from a lightning blast he received from Aaron.
    “No problem buddy” said Kane. Kane used his forearm grips to scale a wall in preparation for helping him friend.

  21. B. McKenzieon 29 Jan 2012 at 12:29 am

    If I could make a suggestion, I’d recommend starting with chapter 1 and then going in sequence. It’d be much easier for me to make suggestions on chapter 15 if I knew what chapters 1-14 looked like.

  22. YoungAuthoron 29 Jan 2012 at 12:08 pm

    good point.

  23. YoungAuthoron 30 Jan 2012 at 8:55 am

    This is my first chapter. it needs A LOT of work but i’m im gonna finish my story first before i work on this. all ideas are welcome

    Today was the day. Oh how he’d waited for the past six months to get his powers and now finally they would come. Tyler Jameson couldn’t wait till 9:25, the special time where he would get his powers. Among the superhero community, this was a big deal. It was a sacred tradition. Tyler wondered if he would get the power of his mother, Laser. However, Tyler wasn’t the only one getting his powers today. His stepbrother Aaron Rodriguez was too, at exactly 9:44.

    Aaron was jealous and excited for his brother—stepbrother to get his powers first. The clock read 9:24. Every kid who knew that his parents were actually superheroes dreamed of this moment. Aaron’s’ father was the all-famous Zeus, who’s powers were generation and manipulation of electricity, along with super-strength, and flight. Aaron admired his father and hoped to be just like him.

    A bright light flashed in front of Tyler’s eyes. He could hardly contain his excitement. In front of him were five blue orbs, radiating with fierce power. Each super being got one, two or three powers, no more. The orbs circled around him, daring him to make a choice. Suddenly, they began to pulse. It started slow, like a heartbeat, and then immediately sped up, beating and throbbing uncontrollably. It was time for him to choose.

    Aaron and his parents stood in front of Tyler, watching this all unfold. They all looked on with eagerness, awaiting Tyler to pick his choice. Tyler would have no idea which orb gave him which power. The powers of ones super parents usually determine the set of powers that a hero can choose from. Tyler’s hand reached out, and Aaron, along with his parents held their breath.

    Tyler reached out with his hand one specific orb that seemed to throb more than the others. As he touched it he felt a rush of power flow through his entire body. The feeling filled him from head to toe, and made him crinkle his nose. Seeing that the orbs had not yet disappeared, Tyler reached out his hand once more. Another orb enveloped his hand, but instead of attacking his entire body, the rush flowed for his fingertips to his eyes.

    Aaron noticed Tyler reach out his hand again, receiving a brutal shock once his hand came I contact with one of the pulsing orbs. The orbs quickly disappeared and Tyler collapsed in a heap. Aaron and his parents rushed to help Tyler to his feet.
    “How do you feel?” said Aaron as he glanced at the clock, which read 9:35.
    “Weird” said Tyler as he shook himself. “How do I know what powers I have?
    “Well honey, try some of the most common ones. Like super strength or super speed.” replied his mother.
    Tyler’s dad tossed him a chair. Tyler tried to punch it and the chair flew.
    “Shit!” cried Tyler as he rubbed his hand. Then he realized he barely saw his hand move.
    “What was that?” questioned Tyler with a puzzled look on his face.
    “I not sure, but try running down the street and taking a flower from Mrs. Davis’ lawn.” Said his father Zeus. Tyler ran and watched in amazement, as everything around him seemed to slow down. Around him, the street looked like it was a slow blur. He picked up a rose and ran back.
    “Super speed. You have super speed.” His mother quietly pointed out with a strained smile on her face. “That’s great honey.”
    Tyler wondered what was possibly wrong, but then he remembered that he had absorbed two orbs, not just one.
    “How do I find out my other power?” wondered Tyler aloud.
    “Well, the shock seemed to reach your eyes, so try a heat ray.”
    Tyler’s dad gave Tyler a piece of metal. After setting it down, Tyler imagined heat rays from his eyes. He felt a strange, almost pleasant feel and energy rushed through his head and came out of his eyes, incinerating the piece of metal.
    “Heat vision!!!” his mother cried out, visibly more happy this time that the last, because his last power took after her.
    “It’s my turn now” stated Aaron firmly, slightly jealous at the amount of attention that Tyler was receiving from his parents. There were two minutes till Aaron’s official introduction into the world of superheroes. Tyler used his newfound super speed to clean up any mess that he had created. However, in the process, he tripped a couple times, this all being new to him.
    “ It’s starting!” cried Aaron as his vision became clouded and blurry until all he could see were the five blue orbs that encircled him. He grinned widely at his array of choices. As they began to revolve and pulsate, Aaron immediately reached out at two of the orbs that had called to him since the very beginning. The first gave him a rude shock throughout his body, making his hair stand on end, while the second made him levitate. The power-holding orbs still rotated around him meaning that he had one more choice. He chose the orb that seemed slightly bigger than the others. This orb fills him with a short burst of renewed vigor, until he too collapses from the exertion of energy. Aaron got up without the help of his family, eager to try out his powers.
    “I’ll try electricity first!” he said to his father, the almighty Zeus.
    “Try and hit me with a Spark” said Zeus
    “Only a Spark?” complained Aaron. Zeus nodded. With that, Aaron reached out his hand and extended his right index finger towards his father, concentrating on making a small bolt of lightning come out of his finger. ZOOM! The lightning came from his finger and struck his father in his solar plexus. Zeus crashed backwards with a grunt.
    “Are you okay!” cried out his mother.
    “Yeah. I think so.” Stammered Zeus and he rose slowly, rubbing his chest in the spot where the bolt of lightning burned a whole through his gray Old Navy sweater and made a small bruise on his chest.
    “Wow. That one was good. Really good.” Said Zeus. “I wish I gave you something else to try it on instead of myself.” He chuckled. The rest of the family laughed along with him. Aaron, determined to outshine his brother, slowly rose in the air, showcasing his ability to fly.
    “That’s so cool!” exclaimed Tyler. “I’ve always wanted to fly!” “Your so lucky!”
    “Yeah I know, but we all want what we can’t have” bragged Aaron. Trying to follow in the footsteps of his dad, Aaron tried out his third power. He grabbed the refrigerator, and lifted in with ease. To show off, he flipped in his hand and started to bench press it.
    “Ok buddy” laughed his father. “No need to show off.” Zeus’ heart swelled with pride as he watched his son take on the same powers as his son. “Don’t forget you have training with Kane and his dad tomorrow.”
    “Shit” mumbled Aaron and Tyler in unison. “Do we have to go? “We’ve gone like three times this week and it’s only Wednesday.”
    “Tell that to the bad guys when they kick your ass” laughed their mom Laser. “Go to bed boys. You have training tomorrow and you’ll need your rest.” As the boys chased each other up the stairs their parents sat down at the kitchen table to talk.
    “Do you think they’ll be ready Stan?” asked Laser to her husband
    “For what Carol? A new high school year or the superhero life” joked Zeus.
    “Both” replied Laser, a bit more relaxed at his answer. “Does Aaron know who his mother is?”
    “Yeah. He took it a bit hard, but he’ll be all right. What about Tyler?”
    “No. I think he could tell something was wrong from my reaction to his super-speed.”
    “Are you gonna tell him anytime soon?”
    “I’ll have to.”

  24. YoungAuthoron 04 Feb 2012 at 10:40 pm

    so here’s a scene from my story. It’s mainly an action scene with a little romance. Need some feedback, so feel free to input any ideas!

    He tried to think of the places he visited yesterday. A place came to mind and he took off, pumping his legs and arms at an inhuman rate. The streets were clearer due to the fact that people had gone inside to hide from the peril. He started to tire slightly, but he pressed on. He used the cheers of the people of the city to power himself to his destination. He came to the spot where Kane defeated the two men who were bullying the much smaller man. It area was guarded by eight guards, dressed the same way as the last ones were. Death Adder was hunched over, putting the last preparations on the second bomb. Tyler formulated an idea that brought a chuckle to his lips. He blasted Death Adder in the rear end.
    “What the hell?” yelled Death Adder. Tyler sprinted to the other side of the area.
    “Over here buddy” Tyler said. Death Adder looked up and gave Tyler a glare. If looks could kill, Tyler would be ash.
    “Come and take the bomb hero” baited Death Adder. Death Adder leapt up high in the air and landed three feet away from Tyler. Tyler moved towards Death and pushed him towards the bomb.
    “Hey!” Death Adder yelled as he struggled to catch his balance. He caught himself before he came within five yards of the bomb. The guards let loose a hail of gunfire in Tyler’s direction. Tyler simply moved around the bullets to avoid being hit.
    “Just as I suspected. There’s piano wire around the bomb. Correct?” Tyler said smugly.
    “Genius. What, do you want a medal?” said an obviously flustered Death Adder. Death Adder opened his mouth and released a large amount of venom in Tyler’s direction. Tyler flipped away to the side and shot a laser blast at the piano wire. The blast bounced in all directions, hitting three guards. Tyler looked for Death Adder, but he was gone. The guards kept firing at Tyler, which forced him to move around, tiring him out. Tyler focused on his body. He decided to use the invisibility trick his dad taught him. Within seconds, Tyler was invisible. The guards stopped firing and looked all around for Tyler. Tyler walked through the piano wire, picked up the bomb, walked out of the piano wire, and sped off. The guards fired at Tyler once they saw him, but he was far too fast. Tyler brought it back to the main battlefield.
    “Freeze!” he yelled. The white-clad hero dropped down, and froze the liquid inside the bomb.
    “Human Volcano!” Tyler yelled once more.
    She came down at his calling as Freeze flew upward. She melded the cap to bomb in seconds before she too went back to battle Demon.
    According to the bomb Tyler finished, he had twelve minutes. He turned to run in search of the last bomb when he heard a shout.
    “HELP!!” screamed Lindsey.
    Tyler spun on a dime a looked in the direction of Lindsey’s scream. He watched helplessly as Aaron shocked the water that Lindsey stood in. She was screaming loudly in pain as her body was surrounded with electricity. Tyler fired off a couple of laser blasts from his eyes that bounced away from Aaron.
    “DeAndre!” Tyler shouted.
    “Yeah” came a weak mumble from a couple yards from Tyler. DeAndre was struggling to get up from the ground. Tyler rushed over to help him up.
    “We have to help Lindsey.” Tyler said urgently.
    “Oh I’m fine, not in any pain at all. How are you?” DeAndre replied.
    “Stop joking. Create an ice shield and put it in between Aaron and Lindsey right now. I’ll save her.”
    “Ok, you can take all the credit,” said DeAndre. Tyler glared at him impatiently.
    “Jeez, fine. I’ll do it. Go save the little mermaid.” DeAndre replied.
    “Do it now,” ordered Tyler.
    DeAndre flew towards Lindsey and created a large slab of ice with his hands. He put it between Aaron’s blasts of electricity and Lindsey. Tyler raced towards Lindsey, picked her up, and took her behind a building.
    “Thanks” she uttered as she tried to shake off the effects of the lightning.
    “No problem” Tyler said quickly. “Are you gonna be ok?”
    “Yeah I’ll be fine.”
    “Where’s Vanessa?” Tyler asked
    Lindsey said, “She ran away, I don’t know where she went.”
    “Ok, that’s fine. That means you won.”
    “Sure, that’s one way of looking at it.”
    “Is this the part where you tell me you love me?” Lindsey blurted out suddenly.
    Tyler stuttered and stammered, completely caught off guard. He thought carefully and cautiously of an answer but couldn’t think of one.
    “I was kidding Tyler. I already know the answer. Go save the world Speedy.” She said
    Tyler nodded and left her in the alleyway. He sprinted out to go fight Aaron. He came back to Aaron pummeling DeAndre with shocks of electricity. DeAndre made shield of ice the reflected a shock back at Aaron. Aaron absorbed the shock and used it to give him more energy. Tyler blasted a laser blast that reflected feebly off Aaron’s electric field. Aaron body crackled with electricity as he began to charge it even more. DeAndre slumped behind his ice shield tried desperately to catch his breath.
    “Tyler,” said Kane. Tyler looked over and saw Kane slouched on a slap of broken concrete, his costume and mask ravaged with tears and holes. Half his face showed through his mask, and it was barely recognizable along with the rest of his showing body. In between parts of Kane’s costume were flashes of skin that were strewn with discolored bruises. Tyler sped over to his friend and tried to put him in a comfortable position. Kane looked up, about to speak before his pupils grew wide in fear. As Tyler raised his head to look, he wondered what could possibly scare his fearless friend. He saw Aaron pointing his right index finger at the sky. The sky darkened and thunder rumbled. Thunderclouds blacked out the sun, and lighting looked ready to strike. Tyler looked confused but knew something big was about to happen. Kane tried get out a warning but he was too hurt to speak. Aaron brought his finger down in the direction of Tyler and Kane. Kane moaned with pain and Tyler swore he even heard a small whimper. Lighting came from the sky and struck the two friends. Their bodies convulsed past seizure-like measures. Their limbs flailed and head smacked the concrete repeatedly. Tyler screamed as his body was racked with pain. His costume tore and the electricity danced along his bare skin, jumping from molecule to molecule as pain spread like fire. The lighting stopped and Tyler writhed in pain. Beside him, Kane moved less because he was in too much pain to move. Tyler struggled to get on all fours as he tried to recover from the pain. Moments later, the same event happened to DeAndre. The lightning sliced through his shield like a knife through warm butter. Tyler grimaced as he tried to cope with his pain and as he looked away, unable to watch DeAndre suffer. The lightning stopped, but Aaron raised his hand into the sky once more. Tyler looked around, wondering who could be his next target. Aaron’s finger fell with pace in Tyler and Kane’s direction. This time both boys shrieked and shook with a substantial amount of electricity coursing through their veins. Tyler could only catch glimpses of the lightning as it did a jig across his body. Parts of his costume tore once more, leaving him more exposed.
    “Stop!” yelled Lindsey. She reached out to two nearby buildings. The pipes in the buildings started to break and water surrounded her in seconds. She used this water and doused Aaron in it, cutting short his attack. Aaron glanced over and seeing where Lindsey was, he smiled. He tried his storm trick one more time, but the distraction cost his the storm clouds. Lindsey conveyed the water onto Aaron, once again dousing his in the liquid.
    “DeAndre!” she shouted. DeAndre looked up pathetically and saw what Lindsey was pointing at. He froze the ice on Aaron’s body, immobilizing him for a few moments. He created an ice collar around Aaron’s neck that connected the concrete, hoping it would buy his friends time. Tyler came to his feet weakly as he swayed slightly from side to side. He bent over to help Kane up. He put Kane’s body on his shoulders and put him behind a building.
    “You’re gonna be ok Kane” Tyler said. Kane could only nod as it hurt far too much to speak. Tyler started to walk away before his friend called his attention.
    “T-Tyler,” Kane struggled to say, taking deep breath. “Aaron’s arm.” He said.
    “What about it?” Tyler asked.
    “Aaron’s b-being mind c-c-controlled by Death A-Adder. It’s in his r-r-right forearm.”
    “Thank man” said Tyler “You’re gonna be ok, I promise.”
    Kane winked and nodded before Tyler turned to leave. Tyler fired three laser blasts from his eyes that struck the back Aaron. Aaron spun as he roared and around a released a storm of small electric spheres in Tyler’s direction. Tyler moved around the spheres. Aaron became doused with more water as Lindsey continued to distract Aaron. Aaron shocked her backwards. Tyler got close to Aaron and delivered an unseen uppercut. Aaron barely flinched.
    “Shit.” said Tyler. Aaron delivered a powerful right hook that sent Tyler reeling to his right. Aaron flew over to Tyler and pinned him to the ground with his left hand. Tyler wriggled and kicked at Aaron to no avail. Aaron raised his right fist. Around his fist formed a ball of lightning. It swelled to the size of a basketball. Aaron brought it down with super-strength force behind it. Tyler’s body flopped and he screamed as he was shocked. Aaron brought it down twice more with the same amount of force behind it. Tyler knew that if he were hit with it again it would kill him. As Aaron brought the electric fist down again, Tyler fired a laser blast directly at it. The collision of the two forces of high energy pushed the brothers apart. Tyler rolled to his feet, feeling his muscles cry out in pain due to overuse. The pain forced him to collapse. DeAndre finally got up and fired a giant blast of fire that swallowed Aaron. Aaron flew quickly into the air and was doused once more with water by Lindsey. He created two swords of pure electricity. They trembled and crackled with power. Aaron went for DeAndre first slashing at him with uncoordinated but fierce power. DeAndre took to high into the air to dodge the attacks. He landed some blasts of fire and ice on Aaron that slowed Aaron down. Aaron’s temper flared and He connected a slash that cut across DeAndre’s chest. DeAndre spun and fell from the air like an angel that had just had its wings torn out. He crashed and made a crater worthy of the moon.
    “DeAndre!” shouted Tyler and Lindsey in unison. Aaron flew towards Lindsey. A small pool of water surrounded her as she raised some to distract Aaron while she drew her trident. Tyler’s eyes widened as he saw what Aaron intended to do. Aaron drove the electric swords into the water around Lindsey. The water conducted the electricity to Lindsey’s body. Lindsey let loose a series of bloodcurdling screams that ran its course down Tyler’s spine. Tyler vision became clouded with red as a killing strike released itself from his eyes and broke through Aaron’s electric field. It struck Aaron in the chest. Aaron crashed into a building behind him and slumped momentarily. Tyler bull-rushed Aaron and picked him up. He burned Aaron’s chest until the costume tore and his started to burn his chest. The tough skin started to peel. Tyler felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Kane.
    “We need him on our side” said Kane. Tyler nodded as he thought of what to do. He turned his arm invisible and put it inside Aaron’s arm. He located the chip and pulled it out. When he gained sight of his hand, he dropped the chip on the ground. He used his laser vision to burn it to ash. Aaron shook his head to clear the cobwebs. Tyler left his friends to check on Lindsey. Tyler knelt down and cradled her in his arms.
    “Lindsey?” Tyler said, fearing the worst.
    “I-I’m f-f-f-fine Tyler” Lindsey said weakly. She struggled to get up, but Tyler forced her to rest.
    “Tyler, what a-about t-the l-l-last bomb?” she said, refreshing his memory of the task at hand.
    “Shit.” Tyler said as he remembered. “I’ll get to it, but I have to make sure you’re ok.”
    “Are you hurt?” she asked as she sat up under her own power.
    “Yeah, but I’ll be ok.”
    “Watch this.” Lindsey first forced another pipe to break, spilling water onto the ground. She wrapped the water around Tyler’s body, from his legs to his face. The water curled and twisted around, twirling around his body like a dragon. He felt the majority of his pain start to fade, and his bruises heal. She did the same for herself, Kane, DeAndre and Aaron. Feeling reinvigorated, the team was ready to take on Death Adder at the last bomb. Tyler instructed the others to go ahead of him and Lindsey so they could talk.
    “Do you know where to look for the bomb?” asked Lindsey.
    “I have a good idea.” Tyler said
    “Where?”
    “Branchwood Park.”
    “How do you know?”
    “All the bombs have been place in places I visited yesterday. I’ve been everywhere but Branchwood Park.”
    “That’s where we were interrupted?” Lindsey said suddenly stopping and turning to face Tyler.
    “Yeah” said Tyler confidently. Instead of waiting for her to kiss him, he leaned forward to kiss her. Unfortunately, Lindsey had the same idea and they’re faces bumped together.
    “Smooth Tyler!” yelled Aaron as Kane and DeAndre shook with laughter. Tyler and Lindsey laughed along before finally kissing. His lips met hers and it was a soft but passionate kiss. Their tongues were like playful seals as the embraced each other. Her fingers danced along his chest and found their way into his hair. His hands started at her back and found their way to her face, which he caressed.
    “I hate to break this up, but uh, we do have a city to save,” said Kane.
    Lindsey broke away from Tyler with a smile of her face. She leaned in to him with a tight hug.
    “There’s more if we win,” she whispered seductively into his ear. Tyler nodded with his mouth open as he tried to focus on the task at hand.
    “Nothing motivates like women.” joked DeAndre as the group continued to battle.

  25. YoungAuthoron 11 Feb 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Heres another scene from my story, an action scene. It needs some work so all feedback is welcome as well as needed! Thank you!

    “What are we gonna do?” asked DeAndre. Tyler turned and saw that all his friends were staring right back at him. It took Tyler seconds to realize his friends expected him to come up with the plan. Tyler thought for moment before speaking.
    “Kane, how many arrows do you have left?” Tyler asked the red-cloaked killer.
    “Seven.” Kane replied. Kane knocked his two arrows on his bow.
    “I think I have a plan.” Tyler said.
    “Then tell us,” said Aaron.
    “Kane will start off by taking out two of the guards. Don’t kill them Kane.” Tyler warned.
    “They’re evil. I’m going to kill them.” Kane said this without any emotion except sheer determination.
    “Don’t. Kill. Them.” repeated Tyler.
    “They’re dead as soon as I release these arrows.”
    “Kane. I mean it.”
    “What are you gonna do, huh? Worry about the bomb.”
    Tyler was about to spit a retort when Lindsey out and hand on his shoulder while she slowly shook her head.
    “Yeah listen to your bitch,” said Kane.
    Tyler lunged and tackled Kane from behind the bush they were hiding behind. He punched Kane twice in the face before he realized what he was doing.
    “The heroes are fighting amongst themselves? How peculiar.” Death Adder said this as he laughed and clapped.
    Tyler stood and Kane got to his feet quickly, his bow drawn. Aaron, DeAndre, and Lindsey came out from behind the bushed, completely surprised. Death Adder stared at them and laughed.
    “Do you all think that you could waltz in here and defeat me? Seriously?” he said chuckling.
    “Yeah we did and we will. Bitch.” Kane said as pulled back the bowstring, his scowl and distaste for evil showing through his crimson mask.
    “You got another thing coming orphan.” Death Adder said. He looked at Vanessa who shot a stream of dark energy into the air.
    “It’s a signal,” said Aaron as he and his companions looked into the air.
    “No shit” said Kane angrily.
    Moments later Hades came into view, still locked into battle with Zeus. Hades got a fierce right hook that knocked Zeus backwards. Zeus slammed into the ground, creating a wide crater that shook the nearby buildings. Hades turned to the park and raised his hands out in him and grunted with tremendous effort. A legion of zombies crawled from the ground, moaning and staring at the heroes. Hades pointed at the group of super-powered teens and nodded. With a chorus of grunts, the zombies lumbered forward, hungry for flesh.
    “Oh shit. What do we do?” said Aaron.
    “Aaron, your super-strength keeps you from being hurt by their attacks so your fine. You take the zombies. DeAndre, keep to the air and fight Vanessa. Lindsey, there’s three fountains in the park, so help DeAndre fight Vanessa. Kane, you take the guards and then help the then help out the others.” Tyler said quickly. The others looked at him dumbfound and with quizzical. It took Tyler a few moments to realize that he had spoken too fast. He repeated this slower for his friends to hear while the zombie came closer.
    “What about you?” asked Aaron
    “I got Death Adder.” Tyler said.
    His friends were on the brink of argument when the zombies came dangerously close. Aaron blasted them backwards with electricity. Tyler followed up with a neck-length laser blast from his eyes, severing numerous undead heads. The team of heroes raced into battle. Kane let his arrows fly, connecting with the jugulars of two armed guards. Tyler winced but shook the image of the dead guards from his mind. He reminded himself to reprimand Kane for that later. He raced in between the zombie horde, knocking zombies from his path. Death Adder came into view, clearly waiting for Tyler. He let fly a laser blast in the direction Death Adder. Death Adder took it on his chest, which was protected by his high-tech armor. The blast reflected into the horde of zombies, dismembering limbs. Tyler raced to Death Adder and swung his right fist. His fist crashed into Death Adder’s jaw, but had no effect. Death Adder laughed before grabbing Tyler by the neck with both hands. He picked his up easily and tossed him in the middle of the zombie horde. Tyler landed on top of one zombie, crushing its skull. The bones bits bit sharply into his back. Zombies stopped around him and began to reach for him, hoping for a bite of his flesh. He moved his head from side to side, blasting away the undead with his laser vision. He gained enough space to sit up only to be knocked down again by a Death Adder punch. Tyler rolled to his right to avoid having his chest caved in by a Death Adder foot stomp. He got to his feet and leaned backwards to dodge a tornado kick from Death Adder. He tried a couple of low kicks to Death Adders knees with had no effect. Death Adder threw him backwards with a flick of his wrist. Tyler crashed through a wooden bench. Death Adder took off his jacket and tossed it to the grass. He smiled, showing his elongated fangs. Tyler tried to shake the cobwebs from his head as Death Adder strode towards him.

    Kane hid behind a tree, out of site from the last two guards. He holstered his bow since he ran out of arrows. He peeked over and saw the guards firing at his friends, but still keeping aware that he was hiding. Kane peeled his pack of throwing knives from his belt and tore it open. He took out and tossed it in his hand to get a feel for the balance of in. BAM!! Kane ducked as bullets tore through the tree he was hiding behind. He looked over and saw the guard in a standing position, quickly reloading. He tossed the knife up once more before throwing it. Kane’s throw curled around two zombies, a fountain, and an ice blast from DeAndre, to strike the guard in the right eye. Kane came out from hiding place and fired another that buried itself in the guards other eye. The guard collapsed screaming in pain. The scream, along with the sight of blood, distracted some of the zombies, making them attack the guard instead of their original targets. The other guard turned to face Kane, who now stood three yards from him. The guards tried to arm himself quickly with a Bowie knife, but Kane already had his sai’s out. He punched the guard with his left hand, catching him on the chin and sending him spinning. With the guard’s back facing him, he stabbed him in the back with both sai’s, piercing his heart and other vital organs. Kane shrugged off a couple zombies before finding a tree to climb. After scaling the tree, he looked around to find someone to help. His first spotting was Tyler, who was getting pummeled by Death Adder. He saw Tyler try to burn Death Adder with his laser vision, only to watch it bounce away. Kane quickly formulated a plan and loosened one of the yellow acid vials from his belt.

    “Tyler!” came a voice. Tyler looked up to see a yellow vial coming his way. He caught it deftly before leaping backwards away from a stream of Death Adder’s venom. He looked over and saw Kane pointing to his chest. Tyler got the idea immediately and fired the vial at Death Adder’s chest. The vial flew at speeds of upwards of one thousand miles per hour. Death Adder was caught off guard and the vial struck him square in the chest. He cried out as his armor melted like butter on a hot pan. The acid got on to his chest as well and made the skin peel away despite it’s strong capabilities. Tyler took advantage of the situation by blasting Death Adder with searing blast that scalded his chest further. Tyler kicked the area, making Death Adder cry out in pain before blasting once more. Death Adder crumbled to his knees before shooting venom in Tyler’s direction. Tyler easily dodged and ran towards the bomb, not forgetting the task at hand. He scooped up in his hands and looked at the time.
    “Shit,” Tyler said as he saw he and his friends had thirty seconds left. Tyler thought of a place he could take the bomb because Freeze and Human Volcano were nowhere to be found.
    BACHOON!!! Tyler dropped the bomb as he flew backwards from energy blast from Vanessa. He land against a rock and slumped down. Tyler rubbed his head where he slammed it against the rock. He then felt his air supply being cut off. He looked down and saw Death Adder’s hand. Death Adder raised him off the ground. Tyler fidgeted and got lose for a moment before being trapped again. He now was facing the rock, his head in the right hand of Death Adder. Death Adder pinned Tyler’s hands behind him and began to smash the right side of Tyler’s head against the rock.
    “THUMP” Tyler grimaced as a headache quickly formed in his hand. He tried wiggle loose but Death Adder held him in place.
    “Aargh!” He screamed as his head was smashed once more against the large boulder in front him. His nose broke, spilling blood onto his mouth. Tyler tasted the blood as it ran down his mouth and past his chin.
    “THUMP” the fragile bones around his eye gave way, breaking slightly as Tyler moaned in pain.
    “This ends here,” said Death Adder. Tyler felt his face being dragged against the boulder, his eye cover cracking against the stone. He felt his head being lifted away as Death Adder prepared for another smashing of Tyler’s head. Just as his head was about to become a stain on the cold stone, Tyler felt himself being let go. He feel to the ground and his hands reached out to break his fall. He grabbed his face but then let go in pain.
    “Tyler, the bomb!” screamed Darkhorse. Tyler turned to see his father pummeling Death Adder with speed punches. Tyler got to his feet and stared.
    “Go Tyler!” yelled Darkhorse once more. Tyler nodded then grimaced. He raced forward, picking up the bomb and taking off. He slipped in between zombies at a breakneck pace. He wanted to help his friends but he only had eleven seconds left. Tyler’s destination was across the city. He took off, leaving the battle behind him. He turned and saw that it was a speck in the distance.

  26. B. McKenzieon 12 Feb 2012 at 1:42 am

    Chapter 1
    –I think it might help to incorporate some aspect of characterization into the first paragraph besides Tyler’s desire for superpowers. That would help avoid the implication that the most interesting thing about the character is his superpowers (or something about his superpowers), which suggests that the characterization is not as three-dimensional as it could be. If the opening draws heavily on superpowers, hopefully you can at least use that to develop personalities/traits, conflicts, goals, motivations, etc.

    –I think there are point of view issues early on. The first paragraph is in the point of view of Tyler (“Tyler wondered”). The second paragraph shifts to Aaron’s thoughts (“Aaron was jealous and excited…”). I’d recommend picking one POV and sticking with him more consistently. (If you do have to switch POVs mid-chapter, I’d recommend marking it off with a line of asterisks to help readers make the switch without getting disoriented).

    –There are some punctuation/usage issues. For example, when you’re talking about “whose” vs. “who’s,” “who’s” is only the shortened form of “who is.” If “who is” wouldn’t fit in the same space, I’d recommend using “whose.” For example, “Zeus, whose powers…”

    –I’m a bit confused about why they’re waiting for such random times. His powers are coming in at 9:25 and Aaron’s are coming in at 9:44?

    –I’d like the narrator to tell less and show more. For example, “It was a sacred tradition” could probably be shown or implied. Likewise, “Aaron was jealous and excited for his brother.” “Every kid who knew that his parents were actually superheroes dreamed of this moment.” “Aaron admired his father and hoped to be just like him.”

    “Each superbeing got one, two or three powers, no more.” Is this detail necessary enough to bring to our attention? Could it be used in some dramatic fashion? (For example, if you can only conceivably have as many as 3 powers, maybe Tyler and/or Aaron are worried about getting screwed with a really crappy superpower first because then they’d only have 0-2 chances to get a good superpower).

    –I would recommend reevaluating the references to their parents—does each line develop a character and/or move the plot forward in a significant way? If not, I would recommend cutting or reworking the line. E.g. “Tyler wondered if he would get the power of his mother, Laser.” It seems to me that the main purpose of this line is to name his mother, but I’m not sure if the name actually matters at this point in the story (she doesn’t get mentioned again for about 3 pages).

    –“Tyler wondered if he would get the power of his mother, Laser.” If this line of thought is important here, I’d recommend fleshing it out. What sort of experiences is he envisioning? Why does it matter that he’s wondering about whether he gets his mother’s power? (Some possibilities: he thinks she’d be disappointed if he didn’t, he’s not very excited about having her powers, he IS very excited about her power in particular, he REALLY wants to do what she does, he really DOESN’T want to do what she does, etc). E.g. if my mother had some sort of speech-themed superpowers, like superhuman persuasion, teen me* would be praying to get Dad’s superpowers because I’d be a really bad fit for superpowers that involve talking to supervillains. Nobody wants to become a superhero to talk to supervillains. (*With the benefit of hindsight, hostage negotiation actually is highly exciting and dangerous–or at least dangerous in the sense that you could easily get somebody else killed).

    –“daring him to make a choice… It was time for him to choose.” This implies that he’s actually picking his superpowers. If he’s just drawing balls at random and doesn’t know which superpowers he will get, I’d recommend rephrasing “make a choice” and “choose.”

    –This is counterintuitive, given that the characters clearly believe that very much is at stake, but one avenue of improvement is convincing the readers that something really is at stake. Why does it matter which superpowers these characters get? Also, umm, if I could take a step back… why does it matter that these characters are getting superpowers in the first place?

    “he glanced at the clock, which read 9:35.” Why does this matter? Also… what sort of ceremony is held in a room with a clock? It seems like a sort of mundane detail for a room that’s full of supernatural mystery and the like. (You could replace the clock with a watch or cell phone, but I’d only recommend doing so if the timing is actually relevant somehow).

    “once his hand came I contact”—I’d recommend replacing I with “into.”

    “How do you feel?” Is this in-voice for the character? I’m not familiar with the character yet, but my initial impression is that it feels sort of counterintuitive that one guy is asking another how he feels. It might sound more natural to go with a phrase along the lines of “Are you okay?”

    I would recommend checking out the article on how to punctuate dialogue.

    I think the dialogue and plot could give Aaron, Tyler and Aaron’s parents better opportunities to show that they have personalities. My rule of thumb is that it’d help your main character(s) stand out if they get at least one unique thing to say or do per page. Please see 1-F here for more details. With the possible exception of Aaron’s “How do you feel?” (which is an unusual phrase for a guy), I’m having trouble coming up with examples of things that one main character does/says that the other wouldn’t have done/said in the same situation. If I could use my own writing as an example here, Gary and Agent Orange are different enough in terms of personality/traits and voice that they don’t have very much overlap.

    “Tyler wondered what was possibly wrong, but then he remembered that he had absorbed two orbs, not just one. ‘How do I find out my other power?’” The first sentence could probably be removed because it’s redundant with the second.

    –“It’s my turn now.” Depending on what effect you’re going for, it might be worth considering rephrasing this. I think Aaron comes across as whiny here. I like that he’s doing or saying something that Tyler wouldn’t, but I’d also recommend considering how likable he comes across as.

    I found my attention wandering as Aaron went through the same process that Tyler did. It felt like more of the same. It might help doing more to differentiate their experiences. For example, is there some different way they react based on their personality? (For example, maybe one is really psyched about this experience and the other’s nervous?)

    “Tell that to the bad guys when they kick your ass.” I love this line. The mother establishes her personality here and she’s interesting. I don’t think the other characters have had as much success in that regard.

    “We’ve gone like three times this week and it’s only Wednesday.” They had superhero training before they had superpowers? (That’s a neat idea, actually. What did they work on?)

    “For what Carol? A new high school year or the superhero life” joked Zeus. “Both” replied Laser… High school is out of the blue here. If high school is a major part of this story, it might help to mention it sooner, because the only thing that comes across as important in their lives up to this point is superheroics and superpowers.

    I like the ending.

  27. YoungAuthoron 12 Feb 2012 at 3:09 pm

    first off Thank you for taking the time to read this! i made some of the changes like the line of astericks just after i poseted this. the times are when they turn 16 exactly. i’m considering taking out aaron’s little ceremony b/c it would be pretty rare for them to have the same birthday.i’ll try and explain the ceremony a bit more as well as the training. Thanks, and it would help if you could also review the other scenes

  28. HomuHomuon 14 Feb 2012 at 1:05 am

    I’d like to see more of the character’s personalities, so far I don’t see them anywhere in any of the scenes.

    Do the girls in your novel serve any real purpose in the plot, other than being “the love interest” or “girl in the team”? They hardly seem to really be useful.

    Along those lines, Kane, I don’t like him. He came off as too immature in every scene, especially since he can’t seem to stop shouting juvenile profanities every chance he gets and repetitive use of the word “bitch” doesn’t help matters. And I found the rape line he spewed completely inappropriate, then again, I greatly dislike when anybody takes rape lightly. Although that could be subject to personal taste on my behalf.

    I like the fight scenes, they just need some polishing. And I would suggest using shorter sentences during action sequences, some of them dragged on and slowed the pace down considerably.

    And last but not least, I will backup McKenzie’s comment, it’s easier to review when you go in chronological order. Context really helps, man.

  29. B. McKenzieon 14 Feb 2012 at 12:50 pm

    ROMANCE SCENE (CHAPTER ?)
    –I think I’d be able to help more if I knew more about the context. For example, in the opening line, “He tried to think of the places he visited yesterday” could be a Dude, Where’s My Car? situation where he’s dealing with a hangover, or it could be amnesia, or it could be him just reminiscing on a wild day. When the story is presented in sequence, this may or may not be a problem, but as currently presented, I had a lot of trouble understanding what was going on.

    –“It’s mainly an action scene with a little romance.” I’ll do my best, but I’m sort of clueless when it comes to writing romance.

    –The main characters strike me as juvenile and not in an endearing way. I’d recommend checking out Kick-Ass, Superbad, and maybe Chronicle for some well-executed immature characters in high school and Harold and Kumar, Scott Pilgrim, and maybe Dude, Where’s My Car for ~college-age shenanigans. For example, in Scott Pilgrim, the immaturity is hilarious and drives the story and affects major decisions for the main character. I think that immaturity can be more interesting and appealing than, say, blasting someone in the ass or making rape quips.

    –“He used the cheers of the people of the city to power himself to his destination…” In context, I don’t know whether his power is actually fueled by popularity or whether he’s just getting excited about the crowd. If this is actually part of his superpower, I would recommend rephrasing it to make it feel more extraordinary.

    –The setting could be a lot more detailed. “A place came to mind…” “he came to the spot…” “its area was guarded by…” Okay, it’s a place… there’s a spot… it has an area. I’d like more concrete details besides that we’re just on a street somewhere. For example, is there anything interesting about this area? Anything that might create an emotional impression? I’d recommend checking out this ending scene of Blade Runner—the setting really helps make the scene more interesting.

    “…said an obviously flustered Death Adder.” If he’s obviously flustered, I don’t think you need to tell us. That said, I don’t think his language makes it obvious that he is flustered.

    Why is it significant that there’s piano wire around the bomb? Why would mentioning this fluster Death Adder? (Uhh, is piano wire his kryptonite or something?)

    “The guards let loose a hail of gunfire in Tyler’s direction. Tyler simply moved around the bullets to avoid being hit.” When it comes to the use of superpowers, I would recommend checking out #3 and #3.1 here. I think this article might also help.

    I’d recommend showing more, telling less. “forced him to move around, tiring him out.” The narrator is telling us that Tyler is tired, but there’s no actual evidence that he is. If at all possible, I would recommend using body language and actions to show this rather than merely tell us he’s tired.

    I found the choreography hard to follow. It might help to sketch out a diagram of what happens when.

    I feel really confused by what’s going on. The narrator mentions “the main battlefield,” but I have no idea what other battle is going on. So, yeah.

    I agree with Homu Homu–I’m not really feeling this damsel in distress thing.

    I would recommend focusing more on distinguishing traits for every character. For example, what is something Death Adder does that most other villains (either in your story or in general) wouldn’t? What is something Tyler does that most other superheroes wouldn’t? As before, I’d recommend having the main character do or say at least one thing per page that is unique to him. I feel like he could be a lot more distinct and memorable than he is here.

    Characters shout each other’s names a noticeable amount. “Freeze!” “Human Volcano!” [I assume that’s a name?] “DeAndre!” “DeAndre!” (again). “DeAndre!” (third time).

    I feel like likability could be a major issue for many of the characters.
    –Lindsey: she could use more of a chance to be something besides useless.
    –Tyler: not much of a personality. Can you think of anything he said or did that 90%+ of superheroes wouldn’t have said or done in the same situation?
    –DeAndre: if well-executed, I don’t think it’d be a problem that he’s reluctant to help while injured. That could be interesting. However, his sarcasm and indifference to Lindsey’s well-being makes him come across as a prick.
    –Aaron: no discernible personality traits in this chapter.
    –Kane: no discernible personality traits in this chapter.

    –The dialogue sounds sort of off for the scene. For example, I feel DeAndre’s lines do not strike me as very believable for a combat situation. (That said, if he’s been well-characterized in other chapters, it might be more believable that he’d do things that wouldn’t feel right for most other characters).

    –“ Tyler’s eyes widened as he saw what Aaron intended to do.” Aaron is being mind-controlled, right? If so, the phrase “what Aaron intended to do” strikes me as a bit awkward. (If he’s mind-controlled, how can he intend to do anything?)

  30. HomuHomuon 14 Feb 2012 at 2:38 pm

    As someone who appreciates a good action/romance, the romance here feels out of place. I don’t find any chemistry between the characters. Not to mention the fact that we barely have any context and the Tyler/Lindsey scene strikes me as tacked on as an afterthought.

    I would recommend you weave in the romance into the story, give the characters a reason to like each other.

    Then again, we don’t have much context to go by really. Like I mentioned before, it would be helpful if you posted in chronological order rather than skip around.

    “I’d recommend checking out Kick-Ass, Superbad, and maybe Chronicle for some well-executed immature characters in high school and Harold and Kumar, Scott Pilgrim, and maybe Dude, Where’s My Car for ~college-age shenanigans.” Those are excellent suggestions. I watched every single one and loved them 🙂

  31. B. McKenzieon 14 Feb 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Your taste is impeccable, HomuHomu! 😉 I’m sort of embarrassed by how much I liked Dude, Where’s My Car. Chronicle was pretty good but it’s definitely written for a younger target audience. And the other four are just straight-up good movies.

  32. YoungAuthoron 14 Feb 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Thanks guys for the feedback!!! it is all welcome. I’ve seen harold and kumar, superbad, as well as kick-ass(goood movie!) Yeah, Tyler needs more work and i’m working on him as well as the other characters. I’m starting Tyler as a person who is not very sure of him self, but then as the story goes on, he becomes a leader. Lindsey has superpowers and i depict her as strong and not a “damsel in distress” although that image needs work. on the romance scene, i tried to have Lindsey take the lead b/c that is unusual in superhero comics/novels where the male always does. Some of these changes have already been addressed while others are in the process of being addressed. Thank you both and more stuff will come!

    p.s. i’m just finishing my very first rough draft before i start posting in chronological order. it’ll be about 30,000 words and 100-105 pages

  33. YoungAuthoron 14 Feb 2012 at 7:48 pm

    @HomuHomu- I agree with B. Mckenzie in that you seem to have a good taste in movies! back to my story, “Along those lines, Kane, I don’t like him. He came off as too immature in every scene, especially since he can’t seem to stop shouting juvenile profanities every chance he gets and repetitive use of the word “bitch” doesn’t help matters. And I found the rape line he spewed completely inappropriate, then again, I greatly dislike when anybody takes rape lightly. Although that could be subject to personal taste on my behalf.” i tried to make Kane as controversial a character as possible. i like that you have a distaste of him. 🙂 i see this as mission accomplished (although if too many people don’t like him, thats not good 🙁 ) I’ll probably loosen up on his profanity, but i wanted to keep it slightly mean. (notice the lack of the f-word). Kane is like that badass in the movie that evrybody cheers on, but then he’s that douchebag that you hate. 😉 you were kinda spot on when you said that the romance was last minute. i’m going to go back and weave that into the fabric of the story. Thanks for your feedback and your always welcome to bring more! 🙂

    @B. Mckenzie- the thinking of yesterday thingy is b/c he overheard his father talking about placing the bombs in those types of places. (that will be inserted into the story). Your comments have been very helpful b/c i realize that i need to show the reader more than tell. (needs work!) Oh, and the piano wire is the “weakness” of all super-speed heroes. piano wire cuts up those who run into it. (used in the civil war to stop calvary and infantry in forests.)
    “–“He used the cheers of the people of the city to power himself to his destination…” In context, I don’t know whether his power is actually fueled by popularity or whether he’s just getting excited about the crowd. If this is actually part of his superpower, I would recommend rephrasing it to make it feel more extraordinary.” This part is like when you do something good in front of people and then they cheer you on, so you feel like a rush of energy (mainly a sports thing).

    right now my characters are very basic but hopefully by the end of my second or third rough draft they’ll be fine.
    Thank you for your feedback!!

  34. HomuHomuon 14 Feb 2012 at 7:52 pm

    McKenzie: Ashamed? You like what you like. And in this case, it’s very justified for it was an awesome movie.

    YA: “Lindsey has superpowers and i depict her as strong and not a “damsel in distress”” – Sorry, but I wasn’t seeing that in the scene she was in. I saw her: get shot down by the villain numerous times, conveniently heal the team afterwards (why she hadn’t done so during battle is beyond me), and promise to reward Tyler with sex (?) after he did whatever he had to do. Hopefully she isn’t useful just for that.

    In the scene after, however, she did show her mature side by trying to calm down Tyler, but disappeared after that.

    While it might be true in other chapters, she might be slipping in and out of the “damsel in distress” role. So be wary of that. If your female character is supposed to be strong, make sure she’s that way throughout.

    Looking forward to the next chapter.

  35. B. McKenzieon 14 Feb 2012 at 10:16 pm

    I don’t think my issue with Kane is that he’s controversial. Batman is controversial, BUT he’s also got memorable lines pretty much every time he’s in a conversation, is (personality-wise) one of the best-developed, most three-dimensional characters in the DC Universe, AND is somehow DC’s most comically effective character. He makes scenes like nobody else in the DC Universe. Kane is rough around the edges, like Batman, but he doesn’t yet have the flair or style that makes people accept Batman’s rough edges.

    Also, Batman has boundaries. His roughness is almost always aimed at cruel criminals. In contrast, a rape joke is roughness aimed at victims that are neither. I think a lot of editors, especially women*, would insta-reject you over something like that. I would, too–the character needs much help in the likability department. If I could put this a bit impolitically, I would recommend watching Iron Man, Kick-Ass, X-Men: First Class, The Dark Knight, and Scott Pilgrim with this in mind: “How do I give a protagonist a personality without making him an asshole?”

    *You’re writing young adult fiction, right? Most of the people evaluating your manuscript will be ladies. I don’t think it’ll be close.

  36. YoungAuthoron 14 Feb 2012 at 10:40 pm

    Thanks for the input guys!

    @HomuHomu- thanks, Lindsey is rough around the edges and she needs work. I’ll try a put her in some situations where she’s not the damsel in distress. thank you 😀

    @B. Mckenzie- thank you also for taking the timeto look over this. much appreciated. 🙂 now, personally, i don’t find Batman very controversial. I don’t count him as a superhero only because he has no powers. but thats just me.
    With Kane, i tried to combine dare-devil (10%) , batman (70%), and boba fett(20%) (some of batman and boba fett overlap). i tried not to make him a killer of all things evil (like i wouldn’t make him kill members of a small gang, but an international one, yes).
    Thanks for the heads up on the rape joke. i’ve taken it out. i personally do not think rape is a joke (knowing victims) but sadly it is joked about in the 12-18 year old age range.
    lastly, i’ve watched all the movies you’ve kindly suggested except X-Men and Scott Pilgrim (<-isn't a superhero movie. how would this help? humour?)
    Thank you, all feedback is helpful 🙂

  37. B. McKenzieon 14 Feb 2012 at 11:13 pm

    “I’ve watched all of the movies you’ve kindly suggested except X-Men and Scott Pilgrim (which isn’t a superhero movie. How would this help? Humour?)” I sometimes suggest references that aren’t superhero stories. In this case, I think SP’s characterization would really help you with characters that have rough edges but are nevertheless likable. For example, Scott is a 24 year old that cheats on his girlfriend with a high schooler (or vice versa) and his immaturity is probably the biggest obstacle to his romantic success. That said, I found him somewhat sympathetic. He’s not so unlikable that editors would run screaming for the exit.



    Also, I do think of Batman as a superhero. (Supposedly, he doesn’t have any superpowers, but in actuality, he frequently does things that are incredible bordering on supernatural. For example, in the finale of Justice League Unlimited, he shrugged off some hits from Darkseid, a character strong enough to level small buildings). If a publisher ever asks you for a comparable work for a superhero story you’re writing, I definitely would not rule out a Batman story just because he (theoretically) doesn’t have superpowers.

  38. B. McKenzieon 14 Feb 2012 at 11:55 pm

    YOUNGAUTHOR: “Lindsey has superpowers and I depict her as strong and not a ‘damsel in distress.'”
    HOMUHOMU: “Sorry, but I wasn’t seeing that in the scene she was in. I saw her: get shot down by the villain numerous times, conveniently heal the team afterwards (why she hadn’t done so during battle is beyond me), and promise to reward Tyler with sex (?) after he did whatever he had to do.”

    For a few active, interesting female characters, I’d recommend checking out Maria LaGuerta and Deborah Morgan on the police procedural Dexter. MLG is a police lieutenant whose career ambitions have a significant impact on the other characters on the show–sometimes she’s helpful in major investigations, but more often she draws underlings into her disputes with her bosses. Deborah Morgan is hard-working and clever. She’s probably the most talented cop in her unit, BUT she’s utterly in over her head when it comes to office politicking. Deborah’s sister-brother relationship with Dexter (who is secretly a serial killer) is one of the highlights of the show. Very three-dimensional. Her relationship with Dexter could be helpful if you’re having issues giving women things to talk about besides romance.

    I haven’t seen Battlestar Galactica, but I’ve heard it handles female characters very well in a variety of roles. The social problems of the lead character on Bones (Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan) are sometimes really interesting.

    Here’s one scene where Brennan is asking her partner (an FBI agent) for permission to carry a concealed weapon. (He’s reluctant to go along because she’s already shot one criminal and isn’t as careful with firearms as he is).

    PARTNER BOOTH: Name?

    BRENNAN: You know my name.

    BOOTH: Bones, you are making an official request to the FBI to be allowed to carry a concealed weapon. I have to follow protocol.

    BRENNAN: It’s ridiculous.

    BOOTH: Fine, then we’re done here. Do you wanna get some coffee…?

    BRENNAN: My name is Dr Temperance Brennan.

    BOOTH: Reason for wanting a gun?

    BRENNAN: To shoot people.

    BOOTH: Not a good response.

    BRENNAN: It’s the truth.

    BOOTH: You know, I’m writing “self defence in the performance of my duties pursuing suspected felons as contracted out to the FBI.”

    BRENNAN: So I can shoot them.

    BOOTH: Ever been charged with a felony?

    BRENNAN: Charged, or convicted?

    BOOTH: Charged.

    BRENNAN: You know I have.

    BOOTH: I have to ask the questions.

    BRENNAN: Bureaucratic nonsense.

    BOOTH: Nevertheless, name of the arresting officer?

    BRENNAN: Special Agent Seeley Booth. Do you need me to spell that for you?

    [SEELEY] BOOTH: I can sound that out.

    BRENNAN: So when do I get the gun?

    BOOTH: You can’t have a gun.

    BRENNAN: Why not?

    BOOTH: Because you were charged with a felony.

    BRENNAN: Write down that you were wrong to charge me.

    BOOTH: Oh, there’s no space for that.

    BRENNAN: Why’d we go through all of this if you were never going to give me a gun?

    BOOTH: You have a constitutional right to apply for a weapon. I would never deny your constitutional right.

    BRENNAN: But I need a gun!

    BOOTH: Rules are rules.

    BRENNAN: Tell them that I shot a murderer who was going to light me on fire.

    BOOTH: Which is why you weren’t convicted. But you did shoot an unarmed man. I… I can’t ignore that. I swore an oath to protect society from people who shoot people.

    BRENNAN: It was only his leg, and he’s in jail for the rest of his life, how much is he gonna use it anyway?

  39. HomuHomuon 15 Feb 2012 at 1:53 am

    Huh, didn’t notice your second comment there YA, my apologies.

    Kane didn’t come off as controversial so much as just immature. And he has no discernible personality whatsoever. McKenzie hit the nail on the head with his advice on how to flesh him out. The mission isn’t accomplished because I dislike him for the wrong reasons. I see where you were going with Kane though, and I generally like characters like that. He just needs work.

    “Batman is controversial, BUT he’s also got memorable lines pretty much every time he’s in a conversation, is (personality-wise) one of the best-developed, most three-dimensional characters in the DC Universe, AND is somehow DC’s most comically effective character. He makes scenes like nobody else in the DC Universe.” – And that is exactly why Batman is forever my favorite.

  40. YoungAuthoron 21 Feb 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Thanks once more for the ideas HomuHomu and B.Mckenzie, i’ll try to input them into my story.

    On a different note, i have just finished the first of MANY MANY MANY rough drafts. it was 29,0001 words and 111 pages long! i’m currently working on inserting a page worth of corrections into the story starting with chapter 1.

    A revised chapter one should come out later this week!

  41. HomuHomuon 21 Feb 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Just keep in mind to finish first draft first before trying to revise. Adding corrections is ok, but never stall. As you progress with the draft you can start inserting changes like character personalities.

  42. YoungAuthoron 21 Feb 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Thanks, thats exactly what i did. i wrote down a page of notes if i came up with anything. its like a page long haha. i’m almost done with the revised first chapter.

  43. YoungAuthoron 25 Feb 2012 at 7:31 am

    CH.1
    Tyler Jameson lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His eyes played with the shadows and his mind raced about tomorrow. Tomorrow was his sixteenth birthday. While for most kids, a sixteenth birthday is special, Tyler’s meant so much more. Tomorrow at 9:25 p.m. he would get his superpowers. “Or power” he thought to himself. He was scared that he would only get one. Tyler knew it was a selfish mentality to want more when others had none, but he could not help but pray against the worst. He wanted to get the main power of his mom, Laser. She had laser vision, as well as the ability to shoot laser blasts from her hands. Tyler was jealous his stepbrother Aaron got the powers of his father Zeus. He thought Aaron’s powers were going to be better than his. Zeus was Vera city’s greatest hero, next to Tyler’s mom. He had the ability to manifest and manipulate electricity. Along with that, he had super strength and flight. Tyler knew this because Zeus told him Aaron’s mother had not been a superhero. However, His real father he knew nothing about. It was a very touchy subject for his mom and always off limits. He tried many times before to ask his mother about his dad, but every time she refused to talk about him. It wasn’t hard for Tyler to guess that his dad must have hurt his mother pretty bad. Even though he didn’t know his father, his feelings were still mixed. While the man had probably hurt his mother in some way, he was still his father. Tyler shifted in his bed, pulling the covers closer. He lulled himself to sleep, thinking of what his father could look like.

    Tyler couldn’t wait till 9:25, the special time where he would get his powers. He was born at exactly 9:25, August 30th. Among the superhero community, this was a big deal and even a sacred tradition. Tyler hoped he would get the power of his mother, Laser.

    Aaron was jealous and excited for his brother—stepbrother to get his powers. The clock read 9:24. Every kid who knew that his parents were actually superheroes dreamed of this moment. Aaron’s’ father was the all-famous Zeus. Aaron, whose birthday had been weeks earlier, had gotten the same powers as his father. Since Aaron was a young boy, he played with action figures of his father. He had his walls covered in posters of his father and his bed designed like his fathers costume. He was his father for Halloween every year until he got too old for trick-or-treating. He hoped that Tyler would get lucky and get Laser’s powers, but he also didn’t want Tyler’s powers to be better than his.
    ________________________________________________________________________
    A bright light flashed in front of Tyler’s eyes. He swallowed air and his breath came rapidly. In front of him were five blue orbs, radiating with fierce power. Tyler knew the rules like the back of his hand. Each super being got one, two or three powers, no more. Nobody knew why, but that was how things had always been. The orbs circled around him, daring him to make a choice. They began to pulse. It started slow, like a heartbeat, and then immediately sped up, throbbing uncontrollably. It was time for him to choose.
    ________________________________________________________________________

    Aaron and his parents stood in front of Tyler, watching this all unfold. They all looked on with eagerness, awaiting Tyler to pick his choice. Tyler would have no idea which orb gave him which power. The powers of ones super parents usually determine the set of powers that a hero can choose from. Tyler’s hand reached out, and Aaron, along with his parents held their breath.
    ________________________________________________________________________

    Tyler reached out with his hand one specific orb that seemed to him to throb more than the others. As soon as he touched the orb he felt a rush with the power of a freight train flow throughout his entire body. This warm feeling filled him from head to toe, and made him immediately jumpy. Tyler crinkled his nose and shook his head before shaking his head as the power ran its course there. It spiraled down his spine, making him arch his back. His legs kicked out, one of them finding their way into the groin of Aaron, who crumbled to the floor.
    “Ugh,” Aaron groaned loudly as he rolled on the floor.
    “Told you not to stand too close,” said Zeus as he chuckled.
    Tyler felt the energy course through his body several times over, making him jumpy and alert. Seeing that the orbs had not yet disappeared, Tyler reached out his hand once more. Another orb enveloped his hand, but instead of attacking his entire body, the rush flowed from his fingertips to his eyes. His eyes began changing different colors, from blue to black, from black to magenta, from magenta to crimson. Tyler felt his brain rattle inside his skull and the image of red came across his eyes, blinding him from what was in front of his. His brain and eyes felt increasingly hot, to the point where they felt like they were of boiling.
    “Make it stop,” Tyler cried, grabbing his head as his eyes started to bleed.
    Aaron rushed forward but both parents held him back.
    “Don’t” said Laser.
    “But he—” Aaron began
    “Leave him.” She finished.
    The bleeding stopped as soon as it started, and the pain that manifested in Tyler’s head was gone. Tyler breathed deeply before opening his eyes, to see the fading orbs. He tried to reach out his hand again, and in turn received a brutal shock once his hand came into contact with one of the pulsing orbs. The rest orbs quickly disappeared from view and Tyler collapsed in a heap. Aaron and his parents rushed to help Tyler to his feet.
    “How do you feel?” asked Aaron
    “Weird” said Tyler as he shook himself.
    “Are you ok?”
    “Yeah bro, I’m fine.”
    Tyler looked at his mom.
    “How do I know what powers I have?
    “Well Tyler, try some of the most common ones. Like super strength or super speed.” replied Laser.
    Without any prior warning, Tyler’s dad tossed him a chair. As he turned Tyler watched the chair fly towards him. It twirled at a seemingly slow speed. Tyler turned and his fist connected with the bottom of the chair.
    “Shit!” cried Tyler as he rubbed his hand. He looked at it and saw early signs of bruising. “I think my hand is broken.” He said, biting his lip.
    Then he realized he barely saw his hand move.
    “What was that?” questioned Tyler with a puzzled look on his face.
    “I not sure, but try running down the street and taking a flower from Mrs. Davis’ lawn.” said his father Zeus.
    Tyler ran and watched in amazement, as everything around him seemed to slow down. Around him, the street looked like it was a slow blur. The trees and houses meshed together with the pitch-black night. The air outside was supposed to be cold, fifteen degrees, but Tyler felt as if it were a comfortable fifty-five. He picked up a rose and ran back.
    “Super speed. You have super speed.” His mother quietly pointed out with a strained smile on her face. “That’s great honey.”
    Tyler wondered what was possibly wrong, but then he remembered that he had absorbed two orbs, not just one.
    “How do I find out my other power?” asked Tyler to Zeus.
    “Well, your eyes were bleeding so that seems to imply you have a power that uses your eyes. Try a heat ray.”
    Zeus gave Tyler a fork. After setting it down on the floor, Tyler stared at the fork, glaring at it and willing beams of heat to come out of his eyes. He felt a strange and warm energy that rushed from the back of his head. His eyes became warm once more but this time, there was no pain. His vision became misted with red as beams rushed out from his eyes. The laser incinerated the fork, melting it against the floor.
    “Heat vision!!!” his mother cried out, visibly more happy this time that the last.
    “Yes!” Tyler said.
    “Cool now cleanup,” Zeus said.

    Tyler used his newfound super speed to clean up any mess that he had created. However, in the process, he tripped a couple times, this all being new to him.
    “Nice,” joked Aaron.
    “Don’t forget you have training with Kane and his dad tomorrow.” Laser said.
    “Shit” mumbled Aaron “Do we really have to go? “We’ve gone like three times this week and it’s only Wednesday.”
    “And we have school on Thursday,” added Tyler, his eyes pleading.
    “Tell that to the bad guys when they kick your ass” laughed their mom Laser. “Go to bed boys. You have training tomorrow and you’ll need your rest.”
    Both boys groaned before chasing each other up the stairs.
    “My powers are better,” jibed Aaron.
    “Not at all,” Tyler replied. “I’d easily win in a fight.”
    Aaron took a playful swing that Tyler easily dodged.
    Tyler kicked out and connected with Aaron’s side.
    “Was that supposed to hurt?”
    Aaron pointed his right hand at Tyler, his index finger extended and zapped Tyler with a volt of electricity.
    “Ow!” yelped Tyler, who responded with a small laser blast. The blast hit Aaron, knocking him into a family picture.
    “CHHH!”
    The picture broke and crumbled into thousands of tiny pieces.
    “Oh shit,” both boys said in unison.
    “Don’t make me come up there,” yelled Laser.
    “It’s fine,” the boys quickly replied. Tyler used his speed to clean up all the shards.
    “Honey, take a seat,” Zeus said, trying to calm her down.
    The parents sat down at the kitchen table to talk.
    “Do you think they’ll be ready Stan?” asked Laser to her husband feeling very tense.
    “For what Carol? A new high school year or the superhero life” joked Zeus.
    “Both” replied Laser, a bit more relaxed at his answer. “Does Aaron know who his mother is?”
    “Yeah. He was kind of upset that she was a human but he’s fine now. What about Tyler?”
    “No. I think he could tell something was wrong from my reaction to his super-speed.”
    “Are you gonna tell him anytime soon?”
    “I’ll have to.”

  44. YoungAuthoron 25 Feb 2012 at 7:34 am

    Alll feedback is welcome as well as needed

  45. B. McKenzieon 25 Feb 2012 at 6:18 pm

    –Generally, I’d recommend holding off on rewriting chapters until the first draft of the manuscript is done, unless you need to change the plot in some drastic way.

    –I’d like to refer you to the first two sentences Zoey posted earlier today: “Just for the record, I am not stalking; sitting on a branch outside’s someone’s window is not stalking.” In 18 words, the main character shows us something about his/her personality and outlook and sets up the action. I feel like Tyler’s personality and outlook could come across more clearly.

    –I think Tyler’s situation could be more exciting and/or presented in a more imaginative way. For example, maybe he goes through a nightmare sequence where he imagines getting the worst power set EVER–something that makes Paste Pot Pete and Parade-Hater Horace look like world-level threats like Galactus and Darkseid. I feel like that might be a more dramatic, memorable way to SHOW us what he’s worried about rather than having him TELL us that he’s worried about getting weak powers and what that might mean for him.

    –Especially this early in the story, I would recommend erring on the side of a personality that’s too strong rather than too weak. For example, he’s scared that he’s going to get just one, BUT he immediately corrects himself because he finds that selfish. I thought the selfishness was the only distinguishing personality trait he had. I’d recommend sticking with it. (One potential thing that concerns me more than his purported selfishness is that he’s whining. A lot of superheroes have only one superpower and I’ve never heard Cyclops or Kitty Pryde complain about it. Hell, not even Dazzler complains about it and her power is disco). Details might help him sort of establish his selfish streak (and/or desire to excel) without whining. Maybe he thinks back to [MINOR CHARACTER X], a hero whose family basically disowned him because he couldn’t cut it as a superhero? And/or maybe how his parents have spoken to X’s parents in a way that suggests that they’d be less-than-sympathetic if it happened to Tyler. (“It wasn’t your fault. Not everybody was meant to fight crime [or “be a superhero” depending on whether superheroes call themselves superheroes] and nobody would blame him for looking into other lines of work if all he can do is control garbage. Has he thought about waste management?”) He really wants to be a part of the fight and be special (I think pretty much everybody wants to be special) and he can’t see it happening without great superpowers*.
    *Later on, I hope an unsuperpowered hero sets him straight. For example, Batman punched the hell out of Guy Gardner.

    I would recommend cutting the 9:25 PM detail, unless it’s somehow really important for some reason that we’ll need to know later. As it is, the narrator takes about 25 words telling us when Tyler was born. The narrator also takes something like 75 words describing his family’s superpowers. I understand why the family’s powers could be important (e.g. in establishing that he has high standards to live up to), but I think it could be a lot more efficient.

    The tangent about Tyler’s real father feels like it could be a lot more coherent. What does his mother’s touchiness about the subject have to do with the issue at hand (his anxiety about his superpowers)? One possibility: genetics play a role in which superpowers you might get and he’s not sure whether his father has good ones. It might help to bring this issue up later, perhaps in a conversation with his mother shortly before the ceremony.

    –” He had the ability to manifest and manipulate electricity. Along with that, he had super strength and flight.” I would recommend tweaking this first sentence because it sounds a bit like he has 4 superpowers, which would probably raise continuity issues. I’d recommend rephrasing “manifest and manipulate” as “control”–I think that’ll cover both bases.

  46. YoungAuthoron 28 Feb 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Thanks for the input B. Mackenzie!

    i agree that Tyler’s personality needs to come out MUCH more clear in the beginning. i have him waking up from a nightmare in which he is being beaten by a villain who destroys the world after being disowned by his parents for only getting the lame power of X-ray vision. i made the changes with the time thingy and i’ll add to the worry about his fathers powers.

    I’m looking forward to your review of the rest of the chapter. also, i’ll put up a re- revised chapter1 later

  47. HomuHomuon 28 Feb 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Personally, I’d advise against posting revised chapters. It’s better just to move forward, fixing things as you go along. Otherwise things get stalled and to be completely honest, seeing the same chapter multiple times can get really boring.

  48. YoungAuthoron 28 Feb 2012 at 9:45 pm

    Quick question B.Mckenzie
    – while typing this current story, i’ve had another story that i just can’t stop thinking about. i wrote down some notes for it bu i don’t want to start it for fear of losing interest for my current story. any ideas for what i should do?

  49. YoungAuthoron 28 Feb 2012 at 9:52 pm

    This is a re revised 1st chapter. Please give feedback! Thanks!

    CH.1
    Tyler Jameson woke up sweating profusely, with a light stream of tears taking their time to reach his chin before falling onto his lap. His hand clutched at his chest as his heart hammered away, dueling with his rib cage for a chance at freedom. “Just a dream,” he thought. Tonight’s dream Tyler sighed deeply before laying down in his bed. Making their way to the ceiling, his eyes did a jig with the dancing shadows and his mind held thoughts that raced about tomorrow. Tomorrow was his sixteenth birthday. While for most kids, a sixteenth birthday is special, Tyler’s meant so much more. Tomorrow at 9:25 p.m. he would get his superpowers. “Or power” he thought to himself. He was scared that he would only get one. Tyler knew it was a selfish mentality to want more when others had none, but he could not help but pray against the worst. Tonight’s dream had consisted of him being mercilessly beaten by a villain who later wiped out the human race. He had only had the useless power of X-ray vision, which couldn’t help him at all in a fight. In his dream his parents had been so angry that he had only gotten X-ray vision that they had completely disowned him. It had happened to other heroes before. While they told him they wouldn’t, Tyler knew anything could happen. He wanted to get the main power of his mom, Laser. She had laser vision, as well as the ability to shoot laser blasts from her hands. Tyler was jealous his stepbrother Aaron got the powers of his father Zeus. He worried that Aaron’s powers were going to be better than his. Zeus was Vera city’s greatest hero, next to Tyler’s mom. He had the ability to control electricity along with super strength and flight. Tyler knew this because Zeus told him Aaron’s mother had not been a superhero. However, His real father he knew nothing about. It was a very touchy subject for his mom and always off limits. It was a no-brainer that the powers of the parents could be passed down the offspring. He tried many times before to ask his mother about his dad, but every time she refused to talk about him. It wasn’t hard for Tyler to guess that his dad must have hurt his mother pretty bad. Even though he didn’t know his father, his feelings were still mixed. While the man had probably hurt his mother in some way, he was still his father. Tyler shifted in his bed, pulling the covers closer. He fell asleep, thoughts of his father pulling a tranquil blanket across his mind, calming his emotions.
    _______________________________________________________________________
    Tyler paced from side to side his eyes making constant contact with the clock. “ Only four more minutes,” he thought to himself. His parents were bust clearing an area for him to stand. They made sure all harmful objects were nowhere within three feet of each other.
    “Hey mom,” Tyler said.
    “Tyler if your nervous, you shouldn’t be, you’ll be fine,” Laser said patting him on the top of his head.
    “Uh,” Tyler began, trying to think of a way to phrase his question in way that wouldn’t anger his mom. “What were my dad’s powers?”
    Laser’s smile quickly turned into a frown. Her eyes flared and Tyler couldn’t tell if she was about to cry or blast him into dust. Zeus put a steady hand on her shoulder and she immediately calmed down.
    “Tyler, step into the space, it’s almost time.” She said.
    “But-” Tyler started to tell her that she didn’t answer him but she quickly pushed hi into the space cleared for him before steeping away. Tyler looked up and prayed that his dad had a cool power like super-speed or flight.

    Aaron was jealous and excited for his brother—stepbrother to get his powers. The clock read 9:24. Every kid who knew that his parents were actually superheroes dreamed of this moment. Aaron’s’ father was the all-famous Zeus. Aaron, whose birthday had been weeks earlier, had gotten the same powers as his father. Since Aaron was a young boy, he played with action figures of his father. He had his walls covered in posters of his father and his bed designed like his fathers costume. He was his father for Halloween every year until he got too old for trick-or-treating. He hoped that Tyler would get lucky and get Laser’s powers, but he also didn’t want Tyler’s powers to be better than his.
    ________________________________________________________________________
    A bright light flashed in front of Tyler’s eyes. He swallowed air and his breath came rapidly. In front of him were five blue orbs, radiating with fierce power. Tyler knew the rules like the back of his hand. Each super being got one, two or three powers, no more. Nobody knew why, but that was how things had always been. The orbs circled around him, daring him to make a choice. They began to pulse. It started slow, like a heartbeat, and then immediately sped up, throbbing uncontrollably. It was time for him to choose.
    ________________________________________________________________________

    Aaron and his parents stood in front of Tyler, watching this all unfold. They all looked on with eagerness, awaiting Tyler to pick his choice. Tyler would have no idea which orb gave him which power. The powers of ones super parents usually determine the set of powers that a hero can choose from. Tyler’s hand reached out, and Aaron, along with his parents held their breath.
    ________________________________________________________________________

    Tyler reached out with his hand one specific orb that seemed to him to throb more than the others. As soon as he touched the orb he felt a rush with the power of a freight train flow throughout his entire body. This warm feeling filled him from head to toe, and made him immediately jumpy. Tyler crinkled his nose and shook his head before shaking his head as the power ran its course there. It spiraled down his spine, making him arch his back. His legs kicked out, one of them finding their way into the groin of Aaron, who crumbled to the floor.
    “Ugh,” Aaron groaned loudly as he rolled on the floor.
    “Told you not to stand too close,” said Zeus as he chuckled.
    Tyler felt the energy course through his body several times over, making him jumpy and alert. Seeing that the orbs had not yet disappeared, Tyler reached out his hand once more. Another orb enveloped his hand, but instead of attacking his entire body, the rush flowed from his fingertips to his eyes. His eyes began changing different colors, from blue to black, from black to magenta, from magenta to crimson. Tyler felt his brain rattle inside his skull and the image of red came across his eyes, blinding him from what was in front of his. His brain and eyes felt increasingly hot, to the point where they felt like they were of boiling.
    “Make it stop,” Tyler cried, grabbing his head as his eyes started to bleed.
    Aaron rushed forward but both parents held him back.
    “Don’t” said Laser.
    “But he—” Aaron began
    “Leave him.” She finished.
    The bleeding stopped as soon as it started, and the pain that manifested in Tyler’s head was gone. Tyler breathed deeply before opening his eyes, to see the fading orbs. He tried to reach out his hand again, and in turn received a brutal shock once his hand came into contact with one of the pulsing orbs. The rest orbs quickly disappeared from view and Tyler collapsed in a heap. Aaron and his parents rushed to help Tyler to his feet.
    “How do you feel?” asked Aaron
    “Weird” said Tyler as he shook himself.
    “Are you ok?”
    “Yeah bro, I’m fine.”
    Tyler looked at his mom.
    “How do I know what powers I have?
    “Well Tyler, try some of the most common ones. Like super strength or super speed.” replied Laser.
    Without any prior warning, Tyler’s dad tossed him a chair. As he turned Tyler watched the chair fly towards him. It twirled at a seemingly slow speed. Tyler turned and his fist connected with the bottom of the chair.
    “Shit!” cried Tyler as he rubbed his hand. He looked at it and saw early signs of bruising. “I think my hand is broken.” He said, biting his lip.
    Then he realized he barely saw his hand move.
    “What was that?” questioned Tyler with a puzzled look on his face.
    “I not sure, but try running down the street and taking a flower from Mrs. Davis’ lawn.” said his father Zeus.
    Tyler ran and watched in amazement, as everything around him seemed to slow down. Around him, the street looked like it was a slow blur. The trees and houses meshed together with the pitch-black night. The air outside was supposed to be cold, fifteen degrees, but Tyler felt as if it were a comfortable fifty-five. He picked up a rose and ran back.
    “Super speed. You have super speed.” His mother quietly pointed out with a strained smile on her face. “That’s great honey.”
    Tyler wondered what was possibly wrong, but then he remembered that he had absorbed two orbs, not just one.
    “How do I find out my other power?” asked Tyler to Zeus.
    “Well, your eyes were bleeding so that seems to imply you have a power that uses your eyes. Try a heat ray.”
    Zeus gave Tyler a fork. After setting it down on the floor, Tyler stared at the fork, glaring at it and willing beams of heat to come out of his eyes. He felt a strange and warm energy that rushed from the back of his head. His eyes became warm once more but this time, there was no pain. His vision became misted with red as beams rushed out from his eyes. The laser incinerated the fork, melting it against the floor.
    “Heat vision!!!” his mother cried out, visibly more happy this time that the last.
    “Yes!” Tyler said.
    “Cool now cleanup,” Zeus said.

    Tyler used his newfound super speed to clean up any mess that he had created. However, in the process, he tripped a couple times, this all being new to him.
    “Nice,” joked Aaron.
    “Don’t forget you have training with Kane and his dad tomorrow.” Laser said.
    “Shit” mumbled Aaron “Do we really have to go? “We’ve gone like three times this week and it’s only Wednesday.”
    “And we have school on Thursday,” added Tyler, his eyes pleading.
    “Tell that to the bad guys when they kick your ass” laughed their mom Laser. “Go to bed boys. You have training tomorrow and you’ll need your rest.”
    Both boys groaned before chasing each other up the stairs.
    “My powers are better,” jibed Aaron.
    “Not at all,” Tyler replied. “I’d easily win in a fight.”
    Aaron took a playful swing that Tyler easily dodged.
    Tyler kicked out and connected with Aaron’s side.
    “Was that supposed to hurt?”
    Aaron pointed his right hand at Tyler, his index finger extended and zapped Tyler with a volt of electricity.
    “Ow!” yelped Tyler, who responded with a small laser blast. The blast hit Aaron, knocking him into a family picture.
    “CHHH!”
    The picture broke and crumbled into thousands of tiny pieces.
    “Oh shit,” both boys said in unison.
    “Don’t make me come up there,” yelled Laser.
    “It’s fine,” the boys quickly replied. Tyler used his speed to clean up all the shards.
    “Honey, take a seat,” Zeus said, trying to calm her down.
    The parents sat down at the kitchen table to talk.
    “Do you think they’ll be ready Stan?” asked Laser to her husband feeling very tense.
    “For what Carol? A new high school year or the superhero life” joked Zeus.
    “Both” replied Laser, a bit more relaxed at his answer. “Does Aaron know who his mother is?”
    “Yeah. He was kind of upset that she was a human but he’s fine now. What about Tyler?”
    “No. I think he could tell something was wrong from my reaction to his super-speed.”
    “Are you gonna tell him anytime soon?”
    “I’ll have to.”

  50. B. McKenzieon 29 Feb 2012 at 1:12 am

    “I wrote down some notes for [a second story] but I don’t want to start it for fear of losing interest for my current story. Any ideas for what I should do?”

    I’d recommend focusing on whichever story you’re more likely to complete. Please see #1, #3 and #3.1 here. Maybe jot down ideas for your other story in a separate notebook as you get them, but I’d recommend sticking with the main story as much as possible.



    I’d also recommend checking out #4 regarding rewrites. As noted previously, I don’t review rewrites unless the plot has changed dramatically.

  51. YoungAuthoron 29 Feb 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Thanks to both of you. but what else could i do instead of posting revised chapters? I personally want to revise all my chapters to make them as good as possible, and i have to work on the evil plan part of the story first.

  52. YoungAuthoron 29 Feb 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Ch.2
    “SMACK!!!” Tyler clattered into the floor mat. His nose stained the blue mat with fresh crimson blood. Two vicious kicks and a fist to the face put Tyler on the brink of losing consciousness.
    “Enough Kane” ordered Kane’s father, John. John Wright was the owner of the fight club where Tyler and Aaron trained along with their father, Zeus. He also happened to be the superhero Savior. John had trained the boys, along with his own son Kane, since they could walk. Kane reached down and helped Tyler up from the mat.
    “Your technique is off.” Kane told him. “Know what the solution is?”
    “Practice?” Tyler said, hoping he was wrong.
    “Yep,” said Mr. Wright as he put a bloody mat into a tub of hot water.
    Tyler sighed and began to stretch in an attempt to keep his muscles from tightening. Kane went to go help his father clean up.
    “Where’s Aaron?” Kane asked.
    “He’s training with our dad, working on some lightning moves.”
    “Is that his excuse not to come and train with us?” Kane said.
    “Yeah probably,” said Tyler with a laugh. “Hey.”
    “Yeah?” Kane said.
    “When do your powers come in?”
    “Tomorrow at 3:25 p.m.” replied Kane with a grin. “I’m so pumped. What was it like getting your powers?”
    “Well it was awesome and strange at the same time. All of the sudden, your vision gets cloudy and you start seeing these blue orbs. The orbs circle around your head and throb like crazy.” explained Tyler. “Then there’s a couple that call to you and make you want to chose them. It’s weird bro.”
    “What powers did you get?”
    “Super-speed and laser vision.”
    “Lucky,” said Kane.
    “What powers do you want?”
    “I want flight so badly.” Kane said this, making a praying gesture. Tyler laughed and fell out of his stretching position.
    “Let’s not get too hopeful,” Mr. Wright said.
    “Well, I sure don’t want your powers,” Kane said laughing. “Who wants enhanced human capabilities?”
    Mr. Wright playfully put Kane in a headlock, making Kane tap out and gasp for air.
    “I’ll wait for my time,” said Kane with a grin.
    “That’s enough for today,” said Mr. Wright. “You boys start school tomorrow and it’s getting pretty late.”
    As if reading his mind, Zeus and Aaron walked out of a sealed room, both drenched in sweat and breathing heavily.
    “How… was…. Your… day…” stammered Zeus to his other son.
    “It was ok.”
    “What… type of training …did you do Tyler?”
    “Some mixed martial arts sparring”
    “That’s good but you…need… to practice defusing… gas and explosive bombs and…keep building upper body…strength.”
    “I know, I know,” came an annoyed Tyler
    “How’s your fighting…coming along.”
    “Not too bad. I think I was making some solid progress,” responded Tyler as he wiped some of the blood stemming from his nose on to his sweaty gray sleeveless shirt.
    “Don’t flatter yourself” retorted Kane with a snort and a laugh. “You need work buddy.”
    “Lets…go…home,” said Aaron as he struggled to catch his breath. He was hunched over with his hands on his knees, dripping sweat droplets on the black floor of the dojo.
    “Thanks and see you later John,” said Zeus as he and the boys picked up their things.
    “No problem Stan. Anytime.”
    When they arrived home, there was a sleek black C7 Chevrolet Corvette in their driveway. The boys walked in with perplexed expressions on their faces. Inside, with their mother they saw a short man in an all black suit. The man had a friendly expression on his face to go along with his gray hair in the form of a comb over. The wrinkles on his face were from stress as well as smiles and was he seated at the kitchen table in front of a small, thin, sleek black laptop. He smiled a widely as if very excited and his eyes twinkled with laughter.
    “Boys this is Howard Yates. Howard this is Aaron and Tyler.” Said Zeus, pointing respectively.
    Boys this is the man who will be designing your costumes.”
    The two boys looked at each other, mouth agape. However, it didn’t take them too long to comprehend what was going on.
    “I haven’t got all night boys. Shall we get started?” Yates told them. “Who first?”
    “I am!” exclaimed both boys in unison.
    “Flip a coin,” Mr. Yates said, smoothly sliding a quarter across the table. On the heads side was Zeus. The other side had Laser.
    “Nice coin,” Tyler said as he grabbed it. He flipped it high in the air, the coin rotating. It bounced twice before landing Laser side up.
    “Tyler gets to go first.” Zeus said.
    “ Damn it,” said Aaron and he playfully shoved his brother towards the laptop.
    “Let me walk you through how it works. All superhero costumes need a base to work with. The base is usually one solid color that starts from the neck and covers everything all the way down. Gloves, boots, capes and masks come after. What color would you like the base to be? Yates asked politely.
    “Black.” replied Tyler without a moment’s hesitation. Every super kid dreamed of what his or her costume would look like since they knew that they were going get superpowers. Tyler was no different. “Black gloves and black boots too. I also want a black mask.”
    “Why all black, if I may ask,” questioned Yates as he input these details onto his silver high-tech laptop.
    “Yeah why the hell is it all black?” asked Aaron.
    “’Cause I want it that way,” retorted Tyler, slightly hurt at all the criticism he was receiving about his costume.
    “Make it however you want to,” said his mom as she walked into the room. She stood behind Zeus and rubbed his shoulders.
    “I have heat vision, so I’ll need a mask that has just one eye slot for me to shoot lasers. Also, I want the mask to just cover my eyes, nothing else”
    “Okay. No problem” said Mr. Yates as he smiled warmly and saved the file on his computer.
    “My turn,” said Aaron. “Step aside and let me show you how to make a real costume.” Aaron was no exception, he too already knowing what he wanted his costume to look like. “Green base suit, yellow gloves, yellow boots, and a yellow cape. Don’t forget to add a yellow mask.”
    “That’s a lot of yellow,” teased Tyler. Tyler hated to admit it, but he thought Aaron’s costume looked better than his. By a long shot.
    “That’s very unique,” said their mother, Laser.
    “When does it come in?” Aaron asked Mr. Yates eagerly.
    “Probably in three or four days” replied Yates. “It’s at the top of my list.”
    “Thank you Mr. Yates” the boys said together.
    “It’s been a pleasure working with you boys. By the way, what do you intend to call yourselves?” The two 16-year olds had almost forgotten what the most important part of their identity was. Their name was what people would call them for the rest of their lives. Tyler was clueless, and over the years, he had yet to come up with a good name. It had to sound cool, yet intimidating, not to evil, but just enough to make him sound like a mystery. Aaron on the other hand, knew exactly what he was going to call himself.
    “Lightning. I want a big yellow lightning bolt that starts from the middle of my back, comes over my right shoulder and stops in the middle of my chest.”
    “No problem.” Said Yates. “And you Mr. Jameson?”
    “Uh, I don’t really know yet. Can I put it on later?”
    “Of course. Just let me know,” said Yates with a smile. Tyler nodded with a polite smile.
    “You’ll look a lot like your fath–’’
    “Thank you Mr. Yates” said Laser abruptly with a glare on her face.
    Mr. Yates looked slightly taken aback. Laser quickly showed him the door. With a quizzical look on his face, Mr. Yates entered his car and drove off.
    “Time for bed boys. Its late.” Said Zeus. “You’ve both got school tomorrow. First day of high school.”
    “All right goodnight Dad and Mom,” said the boys in harmony. They boys went upstairs to their respective rooms to prepare for the next day.
    “Was Aaron mad that his mother designed costumes for super villains.” Laser said as she and Zeus sat at the kitchen table, sipping coffee.
    “A little bit but after he’s gotten over it.”
    “When do you think I should tell Tyler about his father?”
    “When he truly needs to know.”

  53. YoungAuthoron 02 Mar 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Ch.3
    RIIIIIIIIIING!!! The alarms from their rooms of both boys rang sharply, sending them flying out of bed to see which one of them could reach the shower first. Aaron had a head start since he was faster than Tyler and his room was closer to the bathroom than Tyler’s. Just as he was about to lose, Tyler remembered he now had the power of super-speed. ZIP! SLAM!! Tyler easily reached the bathroom first by six steps.
    “Cheater!” yelled Aaron through the door. “I could break this down right now if I felt like it!”
    “But you won’t right?” said his mom, who happened to just step into the hallway.
    “Just kidding” Aaron said.
    “That’s what I thought.” Laser replied.
    ________________________________________________________________________
    “I’ll drop you off,” said Zeus while the boys were eating breakfast.
    “In the Lightning Rod?” both boys asked optimistically.
    “Don’t flatter yourselves,” laughed Zeus. “We’ll take the Honda.”
    “Damn it,” said Aaron as boys piled into the white minivan.
    “Now boys,” started Zeus, while driving.
    Tyler and Aaron rolled their eyes and sighed, knowing the “Be careful with powers,” speech was coming.
    “You must remember at all times…”
    “To keep your powers under control,” finished Aaron. “We know, we know.”
    “I’m serious,” Zeus said, slamming the horn. Tyler jumped in his seat before shrinking down into his chair.
    “You guys think this is a joke but now you actually have powers. I know you’ve heard this before, but I mean it this time.”
    “We know W- ” started Aaron again.
    “No you don’t. Aaron Emmanuel Rodriguez, if I see or hear you use your powers on anybody you will be electrocuted into complete and utter submission. Do you hear me young man?” Zeus hissed his warning, jabbing his finger in Aaron’s face, all while keeping an eye on the road.
    “Ok, Ok, I get it,” Aaron said, raising his hands palms outward in a peaceful gesture.
    “And, you Tyler,” Zeus began.
    “Yes sir,” Tyler said, sitting straight up and paying complete attention.
    “Your powers are a gift. Do not abuse them mister.” Zeus warned Tyler with his deep voice, his stormy gray eyes looking right into Tyler’s periwinkle blue irises. As Zeus gave Tyler his warning, Aaron mimicked his father, using his right hand to imitate Zeus’s talking all while making funny faces. Tyler did his best to hold in the laughter that boiled up within him.
    Minutes later they arrived at Sucomset Regional High school. Aaron stepped out and was immediately followed by Tyler.
    “Are you actually going to listen to what he said?” Aaron asked as soon as Zeus drove off.
    “Well yeah why not?” Tyler replied completely bewildered.
    Aaron laughed before responding. “Loser. Oh, and just to remind you, just because our parents got married this summer does not mean we’re friends, got it?”
    Tyler opened his mouth to respond, but Aaron already began strutting up the stairs. He swaggered over to his clique of friends that mainly consisted of athletes and class clowns that hung out with a group of extremely pretty girls. Tyler walked over to Kane who stood with the rest of Tyler’s friends.
    “Hey,” Kane said once he saw Tyler. Tyler bumped fists with Kane and the rest of the boys who stood with him.
    “D-Dude, your brother’s the b-big man on c-campus now,” came Sam. Sam stood at the vertically challenged height of 5 feet 3 inches. He was a nervous type of guy, who always spoke with a stutter.
    “I heard he’s gonna be varsity lacrosse captain,” said Kane.
    “Lacrosse h-helps with g-girls,” Sam said. If there was one thing Sam could not stop thinking about, it was girls.
    Tyler could only nod in agreement. As if on cue, Aaron’s girlfriend Vanessa Nixon came out of her sisters’ car and strolled over to Aaron. Boys all across the campus turned their heads and feasted their eyes of this godly sight. Her long, wavy black hair, tanned skin, round brown eyes, and cherry red lips were stretching the necks and turning the heads of the Sucomset High school male population. Her curvaceous figure accompanied an ass that turned even the heads of seniors. Aaron cockily sneered at the rest of the male population as his girlfriend planted a kiss on his cheek. Her seductive outfit, which consisted of a tight white spaghetti strap tank top and tight blue jeans, left other guys with a tent in their pants. Aaron adjusted his blue and black Panthers snapback and put his arm around his girlfriend. He purposely sneered at Tyler and sauntered into the main building.
    “You’ve just been shown up,” said Kane with a snicker.
    “You think?” snapped Tyler, red-faced.
    “Has he tapped that yet?” asked DeAndre Miller, one of the boys standing with Tyler.
    “How should I know?” asked Tyler. Four sets of eyes looked directly at him. “Okay, dumb question. I don’t know, he hasn’t told me.”
    Seemingly satisfied with his answer, Tyler and his friends walked into school. As soon as they stepped in, DeAndre pulled Kane and Tyler aside.
    “Have you guys gotten your powers yet?” DeAndre asked. He, like Tyler and Kane, had parents who were famous superheroes too.
    “I have but Kane hasn’t” said Tyler quickly.
    “I get them today.” Kane punched him playfully in the shoulder. “What powers do you have?”
    “I can shoot ice and fire out of my hands. Also, I can fly. Yeah be jealous bitches.” DeAndre replied smugly. “What did you get?” he asked Tyler.
    “Super-speed and heat vision.” Tyler replied. “What do you think Kane will get?”
    “I’ll get something better than both of you,” Kane said confidently.
    “Yeah, sure,” DeAndre said with a roll oh his eyes.
    The three boys bumped fists and went to their respective classrooms. Tyler, looking at his schedule, saw that he had World History II. He groaned and took his time getting there. Once inside the classroom, he saw that he shared this class not only Aaron and Vanessa, but also with Lindsey Summers. Lindsey was another popular girl and one of Aaron’s ex-girlfriends from freshman year. Tyler had had a crush on Lindsey for as long as he could remember. Her straight long blonde hair, blue eyes, and soft pinks lips put his heart in a stranglehold that would make Kane proud. He took a seat behind her so he could admire her without being noticed. Her tight green t-shirt and white shorts complimented her curvy figure. Tyler’s eyes ran the length of his body as he felt warm and fuzzy on the inside of his body. Moments later, he felt a light tap on his head from behind him.
    “Stop staring bro,” teased Aaron from a row behind. “Grow a pair and ask her out”
    Tyler knew that Aaron couldn’t understand why he had a problem talking to girls when being his brother, Tyler could ask him for advice. Tyler tried and failed to come up with an excuse for staring in Lindsey’s direction. Lindsey suddenly got up from her seat and walked towards Tyler. With each step, her long, toned silky legs came closer. Tyler could barely breathe and he felt his deodorant failing as he worked up a sweat. His throat closed up and his left eye started to twitch ever so slightly as her lips parted to show a winning smile. Just as he thought Lindsey was going to say something to him, she walked past him and began a conversation with Vanessa. Tyler took a deep breath. He heard Aaron snicker behind him. He was relieved yet disappointed that Lindsey hadn’t talked to him though. The bell rang, and the teacher, Mr. Wilson, entered the classroom.
    “To your seats everyone. Immediately.” He ordered in a deep, booming voice.
    Already. Tyler, Aaron, and everyone else in the room could tell that this was not going to be the greatest of classes.
    “You are all in your third year of high school and I expect you all to be much more mature than you were in your first to years.” As he said that, his eyes fell on Aaron. Aaron popped his gum loudly with a wink and waved.
    “You all will need to….” Mr. Wilson went on in a boring monotone, giving his introduction speech to the class that nobody truly cared about. Tyler drummed his fingers on his desk while keeping his eyes on Lindsey. Lindsey randomly looked behind her, and her eyes fell on Tyler. Tyler, who had been staring at her the entire time, smiled at Lindsey. Lindsey smiled back at Tyler, showing him her perfect, pearl white smile. Tyler turned bright red and suddenly, and once more that very warm and fuzzy entered his body.
    “Mr. Jameson, it’d do your grade well not to stare at Miss Summers for the entirety of this class,” boomed Mr. Wilson.
    “I wasn’t—That’s not t-t-true,” Tyler barely stammered as he quickly looked the other way. The class filled with a roaring laughter and took its time settling down.
    “Pervert!” yelled Aaron obnoxiously.
    Tyler felt his face burning with embarrassment as he tried to make himself less visible by slouching in his chair. The class was sent into another fit of hysterics from Aaron’s outburst.
    “Quiet down!” shouted Mr. Wilson.
    Tyler looked at Lindsey to see she was still giggling girlishly. She looked in his direction and tossed him a wink. Tyler gulped and smiled sheepishly. Feeling Mr. Wilson’s gaze upon him, he quickly turned and tried to concentrate on the class. As soon as the bell rang, it took all of Tyler’s willpower not to use his super-speed and run out of the classroom.
    ________________________________________________________________________
    The rest of the day went by rather quickly, and when the last bell rang, Tyler hurried out of school. He met with Kane and DeAndre on the steps of the main building. They began the one-mile trek to Kane’s house.
    “I can’t believe we don’t have any classes together,” said Kane as the boys proceeded to walk home.
    “I know, shits wack,” replied DeAndre. “It’s almost as bad as the fact that you haven’t got your powers yet.” He playfully jibed.
    Kane responded to this by putting DeAndre in one of his many chokeholds till DeAndre tapped out.
    “Guys you’ll never believe what happened today” Tyler said, catching his friend’s attention.
    “What?” they asked in unison.
    “Mr. Wilson, my jerk of a history teacher, caught me checking out at Lindsey Summers, and totally called me out on it. It was so embarrassing.”
    Tyler’s’ friends howled with laughter, falling to the pavement and clutching there sides.
    “It’s not funny guys,” said Tyler slightly angry.
    “Yeah it is” said DeAndre as he and Kane struggled to catch his breath. “You got totally owned by a teacher. How is that not funny?” he questioned.
    Tyler unable to come up with a comeback, tried to change the subject.
    “What time is it?” he asked as they neared Kane’s’ house. Looking at his watch, Kane replied
    “2:47 p.m. It’s almost time for me to get my powers boys.” The three boys rushed into the house and quickly grabbed a snack. John Wright and his wife entered the house, and began to clear an area for Kane to stand. As the clock ticked down, Kane’s anxiety increased ten-fold. “Don’t worry you’ll be fine” said Tyler.
    Kane’s parents and DeAndre nodded in agreement.
    “Ok,” Kane said. He barely finished talking when the ceremony started. Kane’s’ eyes suddenly became misted over and he lost his bearings. Just as he had been told, five blue orbs appeared in front of him. The radiated with violent power and demanded attention. They began to vibrate and grow in size as they revolved around him. Immediately, one began to call to his soul. It begged him to choose it over the others. He felt that neither he, nor the power ball would be satisfied in he dared to choose another power ball over that specific one. It spoke to his inner being, to all that was Kane. He reached out and grabbed the ball with both hands confidently. The power orb dissipated into his arms. They twirled lines down his body, from his arms and chest, all the way down to his legs. The lines finally sank into to his skin, revitalizing him with fresh energy. The orbs dissipated from view, meaning that he only received one power. Kane sank to his knees before rising up again.
    “How should I find out what power I got?” asked Kane.
    “Try and see if you take after me,” said his father. Kane’s father had the ability of enhanced human traits such as strength, agility, and speed, yet not to the level of super. Kane tried to land a punch straight to the chest of his father. His father barely got his hand in the way of Kane’s punch, only deflecting it to hit him in the face.
    “Nice powers” jibed DeAndre mischievously. Tyler elbowed DeAndre because he knew that Kane had really wanted the ability to fly. Kane’s mouth tightened into a scowl and he stormed up the stairs. His father tried to conceal the hurt that he felt as his wife looked helpless, seeing as she was the only one without powers. Silence rung loudly and discomfort dominated the feelings of those left standing in the kitchen. In order not to make things anymore awkward, Tyler and DeAndre said good-bye to Kane’s parents, and left the house.
    “I feel so bad for him,” said Tyler shaking his head. DeAndre nodded in agreement, immediately regretting his earlier jibe. “Well see you later bro.”
    “Yeah, deuces.” DeAndre said, raising his hand with the famous peace sign.
    The two friends parted ways, not knowing the true pain that their friend felt. Meanwhile, in his room, Kane contemplated suicide. He had wanted to fly his entire life. Nothing made his happier than being in the air. “Why couldn’t his dad have married Lady Falcon or Air Queen?” he thought. He breathed shallowly and quickly, the feeling that he had been cheated and ruthlessly robbed wreaking havoc in his every thought. He lay in his bed miserable and not knowing how he could go on. With a burst of adrenaline, Kane inhumanely flipped out of his bed. Underneath was his costume that was blood red, tattooed in black from his left leg and curled around his back and ended on his right shoulder with the Chinese characters for power, justice, and loyalty repeated. He tore off the crimson red cape that came with it. He reached under his bed again and pulled out a pack of matches. In one fluid motion, he set the cape ablaze. The flames danced as the cape burned brightly and beautifully while the fire reflected in Kane’s auburn eyes.
    “Kane,” came his mother from outside his room.
    “Go. Away.” He firmly said.
    “Kane, I’m sorry,” She said with soothing voice.
    “Just leave!” Kane shouted, throwing a family picture at the door. The glass of the picture shattered on to the white carpet. Kane’s mother shrieked before leaving sniffling.
    “Shit,” Kane said, running his hands through his short auburn brown hair. “Shit. Shit. Shit!” he shouted slamming his hand onto the gray dresser that was next to his bed.
    “Kane, I want you to apologize to your mother right now.” John Wright said from behind the door.
    “Dad, I’m sorry but I don’t see this superhero thing working out.” Kane said, changing the subject. He knew his father’s biggest dream was for him and his little sisters to be the guardians of Vera city.
    “Kane, please rethink this,” Mr. Wright pleaded, his focus shifted from Kane’s mother to Kane’s future.
    “Dad, you know I wanted to fly so badly. I can’t. So I don’t want to be a superhero. It’s not happening.”
    “Kane, take time with this.”
    “Dad. It’s done.” Kane said this in an attempt to inflict pain on his father.
    Mr. Wright walked away sadly, his pain coming from the inside. Kane, still angry, did what he always did to calm himself down. He snuck into the room of his younger twin sisters to watch them sleep. He peered into their crib, watching their little chests rise and fall as they snuggled close together. He watched more a few minutes more as calm flooded his mind. He kissed them on their foreheads softly.
    “I love you both,” he whispered so he wouldn’t wake them. Just watching them put an idea right there. He vowed right there to protect them from all evil. He crossed himself before leaving.

  54. YoungAuthoron 03 Mar 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Ch.3
    RIIIIIIIIIING!!! The alarms from their rooms of both boys rang sharply, sending them flying out of bed to see which one of them could reach the shower first. Aaron had a head start since he was faster than Tyler and his room was closer to the bathroom than Tyler’s. Just as he was about to lose, Tyler remembered he now had the power of super-speed. ZIP! SLAM!! Tyler easily reached the bathroom first by six steps.
    “Cheater!” yelled Aaron through the door. “I could break this down right now if I felt like it!”
    “But you won’t right?” said his mom, who happened to just step into the hallway.
    “Just kidding” Aaron said.
    “That’s what I thought.” Laser replied.
    ________________________________________________________________________
    “I’ll drop you off,” said Zeus while the boys were eating breakfast.
    “In the Lightning Rod?” both boys asked optimistically.
    “Don’t flatter yourselves,” laughed Zeus. “We’ll take the Honda.”
    “Damn it,” said Aaron as boys piled into the white minivan.
    “Now boys,” started Zeus, while driving.
    Tyler and Aaron rolled their eyes and sighed, knowing the “Be careful with powers,” speech was coming.
    “You must remember at all times…”
    “To keep your powers under control,” finished Aaron. “We know, we know.”
    “I’m serious,” Zeus said, slamming the horn. Tyler jumped in his seat before shrinking down into his chair.
    “You guys think this is a joke but now you actually have powers. I know you’ve heard this before, but I mean it this time.”
    “We know W- ” started Aaron again.
    “No you don’t. Aaron Emmanuel Rodriguez, if I see or hear you use your powers on anybody you will be electrocuted into complete and utter submission. Do you hear me young man?” Zeus hissed his warning, jabbing his finger in Aaron’s face, all while keeping an eye on the road.
    “Ok, Ok, I get it,” Aaron said, raising his hands palms outward in a peaceful gesture.
    “And, you Tyler,” Zeus began.
    “Yes sir,” Tyler said, sitting straight up and paying complete attention.
    “Your powers are a gift. Do not abuse them mister.” Zeus warned Tyler with his deep voice, his stormy gray eyes looking right into Tyler’s periwinkle blue irises. As Zeus gave Tyler his warning, Aaron mimicked his father, using his right hand to imitate Zeus’s talking all while making funny faces. Tyler did his best to hold in the laughter that boiled up within him.
    Minutes later they arrived at Sucomset Regional High school. Aaron stepped out and was immediately followed by Tyler.
    “Are you actually going to listen to what he said?” Aaron asked as soon as Zeus drove off.
    “Well yeah why not?” Tyler replied completely bewildered.
    Aaron laughed before responding. “Loser. Oh, and just to remind you, just because our parents got married this summer does not mean we’re friends, got it?”
    Tyler opened his mouth to respond, but Aaron already began strutting up the stairs. He swaggered over to his clique of friends that mainly consisted of athletes and class clowns that hung out with a group of extremely pretty girls. Tyler walked over to Kane who stood with the rest of Tyler’s friends.
    “Hey,” Kane said once he saw Tyler. Tyler bumped fists with Kane and the rest of the boys who stood with him.
    “D-Dude, your brother’s the b-big man on c-campus now,” came Sam. Sam stood at the vertically challenged height of 5 feet 3 inches. He was a nervous type of guy, who always spoke with a stutter.
    “I heard he’s gonna be varsity lacrosse captain,” said Kane.
    “Lacrosse h-helps with g-girls,” Sam said. If there was one thing Sam could not stop thinking about, it was girls.
    Tyler could only nod in agreement. As if on cue, Aaron’s girlfriend Vanessa Nixon came out of her sisters’ car and strolled over to Aaron. Boys all across the campus turned their heads and feasted their eyes of this godly sight. Her long, wavy black hair, tanned skin, round brown eyes, and cherry red lips were stretching the necks and turning the heads of the Sucomset High school male population. Her curvaceous figure accompanied an ass that turned even the heads of seniors. Aaron cockily sneered at the rest of the male population as his girlfriend planted a kiss on his cheek. Her seductive outfit, which consisted of a tight white spaghetti strap tank top and tight blue jeans, left other guys with a tent in their pants. Aaron adjusted his blue and black Panthers snapback and put his arm around his girlfriend. He purposely sneered at Tyler and sauntered into the main building.
    “You’ve just been shown up,” said Kane with a snicker.
    “You think?” snapped Tyler, red-faced.
    “Has he tapped that yet?” asked DeAndre Miller, one of the boys standing with Tyler.
    “How should I know?” asked Tyler. Four sets of eyes looked directly at him. “Okay, dumb question. I don’t know, he hasn’t told me.”
    Seemingly satisfied with his answer, Tyler and his friends walked into school. As soon as they stepped in, DeAndre pulled Kane and Tyler aside.
    “Have you guys gotten your powers yet?” DeAndre asked. He, like Tyler and Kane, had parents who were famous superheroes too.
    “I have but Kane hasn’t” said Tyler quickly.
    “I get them today.” Kane punched him playfully in the shoulder. “What powers do you have?”
    “I can shoot ice and fire out of my hands. Also, I can fly. Yeah be jealous bitches.” DeAndre replied smugly. “What did you get?” he asked Tyler.
    “Super-speed and heat vision.” Tyler replied. “What do you think Kane will get?”
    “I’ll get something better than both of you,” Kane said confidently.
    “Yeah, sure,” DeAndre said with a roll oh his eyes.
    The three boys bumped fists and went to their respective classrooms. Tyler, looking at his schedule, saw that he had World History II. He groaned and took his time getting there. Once inside the classroom, he saw that he shared this class not only Aaron and Vanessa, but also with Lindsey Summers. Lindsey was another popular girl and one of Aaron’s ex-girlfriends from freshman year. Tyler had had a crush on Lindsey for as long as he could remember. Her straight long blonde hair, blue eyes, and soft pinks lips put his heart in a stranglehold that would make Kane proud. He took a seat behind her so he could admire her without being noticed. Her tight green t-shirt and white shorts complimented her curvy figure. Tyler’s eyes ran the length of his body as he felt warm and fuzzy on the inside of his body. Moments later, he felt a light tap on his head from behind him.
    “Stop staring bro,” teased Aaron from a row behind. “Grow a pair and ask her out”
    Tyler knew that Aaron couldn’t understand why he had a problem talking to girls when being his brother, Tyler could ask him for advice. Tyler tried and failed to come up with an excuse for staring in Lindsey’s direction. Lindsey suddenly got up from her seat and walked towards Tyler. With each step, her long, toned silky legs came closer. Tyler could barely breathe and he felt his deodorant failing as he worked up a sweat. His throat closed up and his left eye started to twitch ever so slightly as her lips parted to show a winning smile. Just as he thought Lindsey was going to say something to him, she walked past him and began a conversation with Vanessa. Tyler took a deep breath. He heard Aaron snicker behind him. He was relieved yet disappointed that Lindsey hadn’t talked to him though. The bell rang, and the teacher, Mr. Wilson, entered the classroom.
    “To your seats everyone. Immediately.” He ordered in a deep, booming voice.
    Already. Tyler, Aaron, and everyone else in the room could tell that this was not going to be the greatest of classes.
    “You are all in your third year of high school and I expect you all to be much more mature than you were in your first to years.” As he said that, his eyes fell on Aaron. Aaron popped his gum loudly with a wink and waved.
    “You all will need to….” Mr. Wilson went on in a boring monotone, giving his introduction speech to the class that nobody truly cared about. Tyler drummed his fingers on his desk while keeping his eyes on Lindsey. Lindsey randomly looked behind her, and her eyes fell on Tyler. Tyler, who had been staring at her the entire time, smiled at Lindsey. Lindsey smiled back at Tyler, showing him her perfect, pearl white smile. Tyler turned bright red and suddenly, and once more that very warm and fuzzy entered his body.
    “Mr. Jameson, it’d do your grade well not to stare at Miss Summers for the entirety of this class,” boomed Mr. Wilson.
    “I wasn’t—That’s not t-t-true,” Tyler barely stammered as he quickly looked the other way. The class filled with a roaring laughter and took its time settling down.
    “Pervert!” yelled Aaron obnoxiously.
    Tyler felt his face burning with embarrassment as he tried to make himself less visible by slouching in his chair. The class was sent into another fit of hysterics from Aaron’s outburst.
    “Quiet down!” shouted Mr. Wilson.
    Tyler looked at Lindsey to see she was still giggling girlishly. She looked in his direction and tossed him a wink. Tyler gulped and smiled sheepishly. Feeling Mr. Wilson’s gaze upon him, he quickly turned and tried to concentrate on the class. As soon as the bell rang, it took all of Tyler’s willpower not to use his super-speed and run out of the classroom.
    ________________________________________________________________________
    The rest of the day went by rather quickly, and when the last bell rang, Tyler hurried out of school. He met with Kane and DeAndre on the steps of the main building. They began the one-mile trek to Kane’s house.
    “I can’t believe we don’t have any classes together,” said Kane as the boys proceeded to walk home.
    “I know, shits wack,” replied DeAndre. “It’s almost as bad as the fact that you haven’t got your powers yet.” He playfully jibed.
    Kane responded to this by putting DeAndre in one of his many chokeholds till DeAndre tapped out.
    “Guys you’ll never believe what happened today” Tyler said, catching his friend’s attention.
    “What?” they asked in unison.
    “Mr. Wilson, my jerk of a history teacher, caught me checking out at Lindsey Summers, and totally called me out on it. It was so embarrassing.”
    Tyler’s’ friends howled with laughter, falling to the pavement and clutching there sides.
    “It’s not funny guys,” said Tyler slightly angry.
    “Yeah it is” said DeAndre as he and Kane struggled to catch his breath. “You got totally owned by a teacher. How is that not funny?” he questioned.
    Tyler unable to come up with a comeback, tried to change the subject.
    “What time is it?” he asked as they neared Kane’s’ house. Looking at his watch, Kane replied
    “2:47 p.m. It’s almost time for me to get my powers boys.” The three boys rushed into the house and quickly grabbed a snack. John Wright and his wife entered the house, and began to clear an area for Kane to stand. As the clock ticked down, Kane’s anxiety increased ten-fold. “Don’t worry you’ll be fine” said Tyler.
    Kane’s parents and DeAndre nodded in agreement.
    “Ok,” Kane said. He barely finished talking when the ceremony started. Kane’s’ eyes suddenly became misted over and he lost his bearings. Just as he had been told, five blue orbs appeared in front of him. The radiated with violent power and demanded attention. They began to vibrate and grow in size as they revolved around him. Immediately, one began to call to his soul. It begged him to choose it over the others. He felt that neither he, nor the power ball would be satisfied in he dared to choose another power ball over that specific one. It spoke to his inner being, to all that was Kane. He reached out and grabbed the ball with both hands confidently. The power orb dissipated into his arms. They twirled lines down his body, from his arms and chest, all the way down to his legs. The lines finally sank into to his skin, revitalizing him with fresh energy. The orbs dissipated from view, meaning that he only received one power. Kane sank to his knees before rising up again.
    “How should I find out what power I got?” asked Kane.
    “Try and see if you take after me,” said his father. Kane’s father had the ability of enhanced human traits such as strength, agility, and speed, yet not to the level of super. Kane tried to land a punch straight to the chest of his father. His father barely got his hand in the way of Kane’s punch, only deflecting it to hit him in the face.
    “Nice powers” jibed DeAndre mischievously. Tyler elbowed DeAndre because he knew that Kane had really wanted the ability to fly. Kane’s mouth tightened into a scowl and he stormed up the stairs. His father tried to conceal the hurt that he felt as his wife looked helpless, seeing as she was the only one without powers. Silence rung loudly and discomfort dominated the feelings of those left standing in the kitchen. In order not to make things anymore awkward, Tyler and DeAndre said good-bye to Kane’s parents, and left the house.
    “I feel so bad for him,” said Tyler shaking his head. DeAndre nodded in agreement, immediately regretting his earlier jibe. “Well see you later bro.”
    “Yeah, deuces.” DeAndre said, raising his hand with the famous peace sign.
    The two friends parted ways, not knowing the true pain that their friend felt. Meanwhile, in his room, Kane contemplated suicide. He had wanted to fly his entire life. Nothing made his happier than being in the air. “Why couldn’t his dad have married Lady Falcon or Air Queen?” he thought. He breathed shallowly and quickly, the feeling that he had been cheated and ruthlessly robbed wreaking havoc in his every thought. He lay in his bed miserable and not knowing how he could go on. With a burst of adrenaline, Kane inhumanely flipped out of his bed. Underneath was his costume that was blood red, tattooed in black from his left leg and curled around his back and ended on his right shoulder with the Chinese characters for power, justice, and loyalty repeated. He tore off the crimson red cape that came with it. He reached under his bed again and pulled out a pack of matches. In one fluid motion, he set the cape ablaze. The flames danced as the cape burned brightly and beautifully while the fire reflected in Kane’s auburn eyes.
    “Kane,” came his mother from outside his room.
    “Go. Away.” He firmly said.
    “Kane, I’m sorry,” She said with soothing voice.
    “Just leave!” Kane shouted, throwing a family picture at the door. The glass of the picture shattered on to the white carpet. Kane’s mother shrieked before leaving sniffling.
    “Shit,” Kane said, running his hands through his short auburn brown hair. “Shit. Shit. Shit!” he shouted slamming his hand onto the gray dresser that was next to his bed.
    “Kane, I want you to apologize to your mother right now.” John Wright said from behind the door.
    “Dad, I’m sorry but I don’t see this superhero thing working out.” Kane said, changing the subject. He knew his father’s biggest dream was for him and his little sisters to be the guardians of Vera city.
    “Kane, please rethink this,” Mr. Wright pleaded, his focus shifted from Kane’s mother to Kane’s future.
    “Dad, you know I wanted to fly so badly. I can’t. So I don’t want to be a superhero. It’s not happening.”
    “Kane, take time with this.”
    “Dad. It’s done.” Kane said this in an attempt to inflict pain on his father.
    Mr. Wright walked away sadly, his pain coming from the inside. Kane, still angry, did what he always did to calm himself down. He snuck into the room of his younger twin sisters to watch them sleep. He peered into their crib, watching their little chests rise and fall as they snuggled close together. He watched more a few minutes more as calm flooded his mind. He kissed them on their foreheads softly.
    “I love you both,” he whispered so he wouldn’t wake them. Just watching them put an idea right there. He vowed right there to protect them from all evil. He crossed himself before leaving.

  55. Gumion 03 Mar 2012 at 8:58 pm

    Okay, this is kind of my first time reviewing for anybody, so I’ll try my best. I think you can fine tune dialogue and details by yourself, so I’ll focus on the character traits. Aaron confuses me a little bit. Earlier, when Tyler was getting his powers, Aaron sounded like he was really concerned. Then he acts like an ass and tells Tyler that they’re not friends. Does he actually feel this way, or does he only act this way in school? And Kane. I do actually like Kane’s character, but he seems to be a little melodramatic. I mean, he’s talking about killing himself when he gets his powers (which I couldn’t really figure out, is it, super speed or something) because he didn’t get flight. It may have meant the world to him, but you need to show it. We only get that he says he wants flight, and other characters mention that he really wanted them. I think he should show how much he wanted them for his suicide thoughts to make sense. What exactly caused him to want to protect his sisters ‘right there’? This might need more explanation. Its a bit too split-decision-like, unless that’s what you were going for. I think you were coming up with a twist, but I feel like you need a little more elaboration.
    Overall, I think you can pace it a little better. I feel like I’m running through the story sometimes. Also, what’s with Tyler’s father? Its a secret for some reason, but its a good reason, right? You aren’t being needlessly coy, right? Cause we all know about how annoying coyness is. But from what I’ve read, you are a really good writer, and I trust you to handle the hidden identity thing well. Of course all of these are suggestions. You don’t even know me, so why should you care? Just trying my best to be helpful 🙂
    Well, I guess its time to wrap this up, huh? Happy writing, and I’ll be looking out for more!
    _-G

  56. YoungAuthoron 03 Mar 2012 at 9:35 pm

    Gumi thanks alot! That was some very helpful input. I’m working on the brotherly relationship between Aaron and Tyler. Tyler used to be bullied by Aaron, but now that they’re brothers Aaron has let up. Kane is a very emotional character in the beginning, but after the death of his family, he pretty much loses all of his feelings and only focuses on being a defender of evil. He takes it upon himself to cleanse Vera city (the setting) of evil by killing those he decides need to be killed. The protecting his sisters part needs some work, but it foreshadows a terrible event (they get killed. as in burnt to ashes.) That helps the reader feel bad for Kane and care enough to read about how he’ll cope. Tyler’s father (as Tyler finds out later,) is one of Vera city’s worst ever villains. he used to be a hero until the city started persecuting mutants or superbeings and that made him made and made him turn evil. Laser, Tyler’s mother, doesn’t want to hurt Tyler by letting him know this. But as Tyler has gotten older, he asks about his father more and more.
    ^Hopefully this clarifies things 🙂
    Thanks for your input and i look forward to more of it. it was very helpful!
    Thanks Gumi!!! 😀

  57. Gumion 04 Mar 2012 at 6:33 am

    Well, that certainly DOES clarify things! I didn’t know your story would be so charged with emotion! And I think that’s a good reason to hide his father’s identity, I know I wouldn’t be very eager to learn my father was an awful villain :O Also, I feel bad for Kane already, and I haven’t even read how it plays out! good job on the emotional value. In my story, my character’s father was also a villain, but she knows and one of her motivations for being a hero is not to be like her father. This is accentuated from the fact that they share identical powers. But, her father is dead. Is Tyler’s father dead, or is he an active villain? Also, can you please tell me what Kane’s powers are? I feel beyond stupid, but I can’t figure it out for the life of me 🙁
    I’m glad that you found my feedback so helpful! What is the target audience age-wise? That stuff Kane goes through seems pretty heavy.
    Anyway, I’ll be definitely looking for more!
    _-G

  58. YoungAuthoron 04 Mar 2012 at 7:20 am

    If you read the earlier posts, it should clarify any more questions and also catch you up on the story :D.
    No need to feel stupid, its ok :D, Kane has enhanced human characteristics.. like enhanced strength, yet not to the level of super. and enhanced reflexes, and enhanced speed, all not to the strength of super. This makes him feel useless because his power is basically like a human at peak physical condition. (captain america, just not a buff).

    I’d like to read some of your story, do you have a forum?

    Tyler’s dad is currently locked in a super villain jail known as the Vault. Maximum security. he escapes and kidnaps Tyler. they share a really nice father-son moment while the reader and Tyler learn about life before superheroes were loved. It explains what Darkhorse (tyler’s father) did to get into the Vault (used his super-speed to create 100 tornadoes in the direction of Vera city. narrowly stopped by Zeus(Tyler’s step-father) and Laser(Tyler’s mother) along with other minor heroes.)

    I’ll post the fourth chapter right now so you can take a look at it 🙂

  59. YoungAuthoron 04 Mar 2012 at 7:38 am

    The very beginning will look a bit different as i have yet to insert a party scene that i’ve been working on.

    All feedback is welcome as well as needed. Enjoy!

    Ch.4
    The next week flew by without too much interruption. School and homework consumed most of the boys’ time. Tyler and Aaron kept up their training with Kane and his father. Kane still sulked about his lack of flight and still fought with his parents. One day while at school, the principal came on the PA system.
    “Everyone, in an orderly file by oldest grade first, report to the auditorium. Thank you.”
    All the classes reported to the auditorium lead by their respective teachers. Tyler, who happened to be in World History II, glanced at Aaron, who was too busy flirting and kissing with Vanessa. Mr. Wilson led the class to the auditorium, no one daring to speak. They entered the auditorium and all that soon changed. The auditorium was filled with noise as student talked to student about why they sat in this very room at such a random time. Teachers too discussed amongst themselves about what could possibly be the problem. From a door on left entered Principal Morrison. Principal Morrison was a heavyset man with his stomach coming out and over his belt. He was sweating profusely and every now and then he would dap his forehead with a handkerchief. He made his way to the stage. Once on the podium, he tapped the microphone and asked for silence.
    “Silence please,” he squealed, His high voice ringing through the auditorium.
    “Hey everyone, be quiet for Porky the pig,” Aaron and his cronies said. The crowd of students hooted and hollered as their laughter and cheers filled the auditorium. It took all the teachers a few minutes to quiet them down.
    “Students, please calm down.” Principal Morrison started off. “There is a fight between our superheroes and super villains down in Vera city. We have gathered you here because this is the most reinforced place in the school and therefore relatively safe. You can all watch on the screen in front, so we can keep an eye on these events.”
    It was tradition in Vera city schools for students to watch and support the superheroes as they protected the public from villains of all sorts. As the screen turned on, Tyler saw Zeus and Laser battling with his father’s arch nemesis, Hades. Hades had the similar powers of his father such as super-strength and flight, but he had the unique ability to raise the dead from the ground. The dead that he raised were completely obedient to him. Aaron and Tyler glanced nervously at each other. On screen, Hades had just raised a large skeleton army. Laser emitted a powerful series of blasts from her hands that wiped out a dozen skeletons. From what everyone could see, Hades was staging an attack on the visiting governor, and Zeus and Laser were trying to protect him. Along side Hades were Demon and Beastly. Beastly was a master shape-shifter while Demon had the power of control over fire to go along with super strength and speed. Zeus used his signature move, the Master Lightning Bolt. He charged a lightning bolt of electricity. The students and teachers clapped loudly and shouted their support. Zeus threw it at the Beastly who was in the middle of shape shifting between a gorilla and a snake. The shock sent Beastly flying into the concrete, leaving him wounded and immobilized. More cheering from the crowd ensued as Zeus land a right hook to the face of Hades. Tyler found himself cheering along with everyone else in the auditorium. Hades manifested another army of half-dead humans. There skeletal faces still held bloodied skin, evoking some puking in the auditorium. Laser was busy battling with Demon, leaving Zeus alone to battle this undead army and their leader. Laser fired a laser bolt that nailed Demon in he neck, causing him to sink to his knees. A couple of guys cheered and shouted about how “hot” Laser was. Tyler’s disapproval showed on his face. Demon fired a wave a flames that almost blanketed Laser. Zeus was overwhelmed with the undead. The situation seemed hopeless. That was until other superheroes arrived. Freeze and The Human Volcano came in with a flurry of hail and lava.
    “Can we hear some noise for Freeze and Human Volcano?” DeAndre got the crowd chanting his the superhero names of his parents. Mr. Wright, who was publicly known as the Savior, came onto the screen armed with twin katanas. The cheers in the auditorium increased not only from students, but teachers as well. Principal Morrison was fist pumping in the air hollering for the heroes. The scene drew hoards of laughter from the students and other teachers. Tyler looked on with an increasing nervousness and worries and saw that Aaron had the same expression on his face. Hades flew into the air to take on Zeus in hand-to-hand combat. Tyler now relaxed because he knew that this was Zeus’s strong suit. Hades feinted a right hook and instead, raised two zombies from the earth. These zombies latched onto Zeus and brought him down to the ground. After raising ten more to swarm Zeus, he looked for the governor. He saw that Laser had taken him to safer location after she’d beaten away Demon. Hades, in a fit of rage, flew towards Laser, and began to throttle her. This enraged Tyler, who almost stood up to run to her aid before he realized three things.
    1.) His mother was a professional and had encountered worse in her career.
    2.) He didn’t have his costume yet.
    3.) He would release his super powers to his entire high school.
    He looked at Aaron and saw a small amount of fear in his eyes too. The Human Volcano blasted Hades in the back, burning him with an extreme amount of pain. Laser took advantage of the distracted Hades and struck him in the chest with some heat vision. Hades reeled backwards, only being stopped by the hard pavement. Meanwhile, Beastly tossed aside a slightly unconscious Freeze while he was in the form of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. He next used his tail to smack the Human Volcano deep into the water. Steam rose from where she landed. Boos conquered the auditorium. Tyler looked and saw that Mr. Wilson was the only teacher who seemed to have contained himself. Zeus and Savior were still preoccupied by the last remnants of the zombie army and Hades that they failed to stop what happened next. Beastly, still in the form of a Tyrannosaurus-rex threw Laser to the ground. He used his enormous feet to stomp on Laser repeatedly. Tyler felt a sick feeling gripping his stomach. His innards rose from his stomach and chest into his throat.
    “Come on Mom,” He mumbled to himself. He said a small prayer, hoping it would help her.
    Laser opened her eyes and burned a hole through the right foot of Beast causing him to revert back to his normal form, with a bloody foot. She lied there, and tried to recover a bit as she took deep breaths. Zeus grappled with Hades as Savior finished of the zombie army. Hades then delivered a crushing blow to the ribs of Zeus.
    CRRRAAACCK!!!! Zeus’s ribs snapped as he flew into the concrete on top of his wife. Hades snapped his fingers and two zombies responded to his unspoken commands. They held Savoir in a full nelson. Savior wriggled but was unable to break free as two more grabbed his legs. Freeze was just waking from consciousness and Human Volcano flew out of the water. Hades devilishly smiled and winked to cameras. His left hand came back before plunging into the chest of Savior. The hand swam through bone, muscle, vein, and blood until it reached the heart. Hades grunted before he tore the heart out. Everyone gasped in the auditorium.
    “Well for a savior, you seem kind of heartless.” Hades laughed at his own joke as Savior stared at him with wide eyes and a cavity in his chest.
    With the heart in his hand, Hades squeezed it tightly. The heart popped loudly and burst, spraying blood and heart chunks everywhere. Hades licked the blood that trailed down his hand, lapping it up the way a cat licks milk. Aaron’s friends jeered loudly at Savior before being quieted by teachers and Principal Morrison. Aaron kept quiet, not quite believing what he was seeing. Tyler felt his chest close up and his eyes sting as he realized he would never train with Mr. Wright ever again.
    “Ooooooh,” people voices cheered and booed across the auditorium.
    Zeus came back and attacked Hades with renewed vigor, landing three consecutive punches to the face of his foe. Hades kicked Zeus away and raised more zombies to keep the others occupied. It didn’t take Hades long before he quickly entered his nearby Death Jet along with his cronies Beast and Demon. As the jet made its way out of the battle scene, Hades waved towards the heroes. When the camera focused on him, his showed it his hand, covered with the scarlet red blood of Savior. He picked a heart chunk from his black nail and ate it. A loud cheer came from the freshman section. The camera abruptly looked away and instead captured the lifeless body of Savior. His blood had spilled onto the streets of Vera city, filling the cracks in the road. Tyler closed his eyes and looked away, his breakfast making its way to his throat. The T.V. in the auditorium turned off abruptly. There was a prolonged silence that controlled the room but not for long. Students began chatting and some even collected money from bets that they’d made. Tyler, DeAndre, and Aaron all stared at Kane, who seemed dumbfounded. Kane stared at the now black screen, his mouth shaped like a lowercase o and his eyes blank. RIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGG!!!
    School was adjourned for the rest of the day. There was the bell the dismissed the students to go home. DeAndre, Tyler, and even Aaron immediately went with Kane home. After collecting their things, they walked through the hallways to the main doors.
    “Dude, Savior totally got his ass kicked by Hades. Pay up.” The light-hearted voice came from a nearby sophomore who was collecting money from his friends. His friends dug into their pockets to come up with the money.
    “Shut. Up.” Kane turned and said, glaring at the kid while trying to hold back his tears.
    “Kane, ignore him, let’s just go home,” Aaron said as he tried to pull Kane away.
    “C’mon, dude,” said the sophomore. “Savior had his heart tor-”.
    Kane grabbed the kid by his collar before he could finish. He slammed his into the locker that was behind him. The boy yelped as the locker behind him bent inwards. Kane grabbed his head and slammed his face into the lock. The lock cut the boy across the forehead.
    “Lemme go,” cried the boy as Tyler and DeAndre pulled Kane off the sniffling innocent.
    “What the fuck is your problem,” asked the sophomore as he touched his hand to his forehead.
    “Uh, sorry, he had a rough day, he lost a bet,” Tyler lied. Before the kid could respond, Tyler hustled Kane out the door, DeAndre and Aaron following in hot pursuit. They went the longer way, through the woods so nobody could see Kane cry. He sobbed uncontrollably, his shoulders rising and falling rapidly as tears dampened his blue shirt.
    “Kane, I know it hurts not but it’ll get better,” said Tyler patting Kane on the back.
    They reached his house and found the door unlocked.
    “What the hell?” Kane said.
    “Someone might be in there,” DeAndre said.
    “I’ll take lead,” Tyler said, but Aaron stepped right in front of him and into the house. Tyler made no complaints as he brought up the rear. Smoke came from a room on the second floor, right next to Kane’s room.
    “Hey!” Kane shouted as tore up the stairs with the others right behind him. The door burst open and flames shot out at the boys. Tyler reacted without hesitation, jumping in and saving his friends from becoming ashes on the carpet. Demon walked out the door, radiating a painful heat.
    “Hello boys, you just missed the barbecue,” Demon said, running his burnt tongue over his white fangs. His red costume covered his body while flames outlined his self like an aura.
    Kane’s face paled as he attempted to peer into the room of his two little sisters.
    “Nothing to see but ashes,” he said with a sinister laugh. “I’d love to stay for a chat, but I really have to run,” he said as he surrounded them with a ring of flames.
    “But I’m afraid you wont be leaving.” Demon shouted this back to the boys as he took off.
    “Don’t panic,” said Tyler. “DeAndre use your powers to get us out of here.”
    DeAndre put his hands out and used ice to put out the fire. Tyler sprinted out the door and ran into the backyard, following the trail of burnt footsteps Demon had left. He arrived just in time to watch Demon leave aboard the Death jet. He could only watch as the jet rose into the air and took off.
    “Shit,” Tyler said as he smacked his hands together in annoyance. He walked back to the house and met DeAndre and Aaron at the door.
    “Did you catch him?” They asked.
    “No, but what could do even if I did?” Tyler responded.
    His friends nodded and together they made their way to the room that Demon had left in ruin. The smoke made it hard to see but it still wasn’t a pretty sight. The one the floor was the ash of Kane’s mother. Her head was the only part that wasn’t ash and it was charred beyond the point of recognition. It was the same with his twin sisters. They lay in their crib, burnt heads with a peaceful face. Kane got up from where he kneeled next to his mother’s body. He could barely put his left leg in front of his right as made his was to the crib. Kane gazed inside before moaning softly. The crib itself was fine, but inside was a giant pile of ash with the two heads in the middle. The horrifying picture didn’t take its time burning it’s way permanently into the minds of the boys who stood there.
    “Uh, Kane, its going to be—’’ started Aaron, trying to break the silence.
    “Stop. Please,” interrupted Kane.
    He was about to continue when the boys heard footsteps coming up the stairs. They were ready to fight once more until Laser came into view.
    “Are you boys ok?” Laser asked.
    “Yeah we’re fine,” Tyler said looking at the floor. It didn’t take Laser long to realize what had happened.
    At that moment, Zeus entered the house, carrying the body of Mr. Wright. Kane cried once more, letting the tears roll down his face in droves. The little slimmer of hope that his dad might still be alive exited his body though his loud sobs.
    “I’m sorry Kane,” said Zeus. “Pack your bags, you can live with us.”
    Kane stopped crying and stared. His face was somewhat calm before it twisted into one of anger.
    “NO. SHUT THE HELL UP. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. IF YOU WERE A BETTER SUPERHERO, MY FAMILY WOULD STILL BE HERE. IF YOU WOULD ACTUALLY KILL SUPER VILLIANS, NOBODY WOULD DIE. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE,” Kane screamed these words as tears streamed down his face and snot leaked from his nose.
    Tyler’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened. He was taken aback by
    “Come on, let’s go,” said Zeus. “There’s nothing we can do.”
    Tyler patted Kane on the shoulder but Kane smacked his hand away quickly. He cried slightly, using his wrists to wipe the tears away.
    Knowing that there was nothing that they could do, they all left Kane to wallow in his unfortunate misery. DeAndre flew home by himself while Zeus and his family went to their home. It was very quiet at dinner. The only noise was forks and knives clanging against plates. In an attempt to lighten the mood, Zeus presented the boys with their super suits.
    “Thanks dad,” they said. Tyler looked his over. It was mid-night black, just like his hair. It was lightweight and yet bulletproof, fireproof, and waterproof. His was specially designed to withstand the speeds at which he could run, making it effortlessly smooth. His eyepiece was black, with a blue slit where his eyes could see. It allowed him to see in thermal vision as well as normal.
    The boys grinned widely momentarily, but then remembering the events that took place that day, quickly lost enthusiasm. They said their thanks for their suits and locked them in pre-built costume chambers. As he put away his supersuit, Tyler knew the day would forever be looked upon as a terrible event for superheroes.

    Kane had his head on his father’s chest. His eyes were dry. All his tears had been cried out. Kane held his father’s cold hand in his own.
    “Dad,” he said. “I’m sorry I said I didn’t love you.” Kane tried to cry again but his tear ducts were empty.
    “Demon will pay father. I promise. I will kill him.” He said, shaking with sorrow but determined past belief. Kane stood and walked into his own room. From under his bed he retrieved his costume and mask. He carried it with him in to his father’s room. Thoughts of revenge bounced around in his mind, mixing and mashing together to form one dangerous plot. Kane pulled a paperweight and a door opened in the wall. He walked through and entered a room full of computers. Each computer showed a different scene.
    “So this is what goes on in Vera city.” Kane said as he whistled loudly. He began to type into his father’s criminal database while he changed. His lip quivered as he thought of what was to become of him now, but he firmly shoved it out of his mind and concentrated. His father’s profile for Demon came up as Kane slid on his boots. Kane held back the urge to punch the screen when Demon’s picture came up. The profile contained everything, from his arrests, to evil deeds, to affiliations. Kane used his gloved hand to click on the mouse. The affiliations folder opened up and under it was one link.
    Snakes Gang it said.
    Leader: Adder, Death. Real name: unknown. Powers: super speed, super strength, and poison venom.
    “Nice,” Kane said as he smiled. He’d heard of Death Adder before, knowing that he was one of the top criminals in the world.
    “Time to make some noise.” Kane reached down and grabbed his mask. It was blood red, just like the rest of his costume. His face tightened into an angry and arrogant sneer as he put it on.
    “I will avenge them,” he said as he left the computer room to get his weapons from the armory.

  60. Gumion 04 Mar 2012 at 11:30 am

    That was just…wow. I really love the combat scene, I felt just as involved as your characters. And now that I’ve seen what Kane has gone through, I think I can forgive him for being a bit of a dick in one of your earlier posts. You are really good at writing battle scenes by the way, and I think that Kane’s emotions come through clearly. I am wondering why all of the kids in their school are such asses, though. Surely they must realize that heroes have families too? Well, if they go around watching battle in school that have people ripping hearts out, maybe they’ve been a bit desensitized to the whole thing. Also if heroes are glorified like this, is there some sort of overarching organization for them? If they can watch their battles on TV or something, then there should probably be something like that, right? I’ll read it over once more to see if I’ve missed anything and post again in a little while.
    Happy writing,
    _-G

  61. YoungAuthoron 04 Mar 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Thanks, that means a lot Gumi! 😀 I showed the cheering reaction to the death of Savior to show that people really dont like superpeople unless their doing good things. (X-men #1- all mutants are bullied and persecuted no matter their intentions). People really don’t think about the families of superheroes. Like if you think about Green Lantern for example, there’s a lot of things that come to your mind before “does he have family?”

    Thank you and i’ll be putting up CH.5 (soon to be 6 or 7) as well as a party scene which will probably become Ch. 3 and a villain scene that will probably become CH 6. 😀 I be looking forward to your comments!

  62. YoungAuthoron 07 Mar 2012 at 5:52 am

    The man sat in a chair, guards on either side of him. He wore a one thousand dollar Italian suit with black high socks and brown penny loafers. His guards were tall and robust men, armed with illegal AK-47’s and were retired Russian Spetsnaz soldiers. The man went by the name of Death Adder. He propped his legs up upon the table in front of him. The table had money on and falling off of it in the hundreds. There were two cell phones on it, one red and one blue. His throne room was grand in size as well as decoration. Spanning fifteen yards by fifteen yards, the walls, ceiling and floor were covered with expensive fake red fur. The floors were littered with Persian rugs while the windows were covered with silk indigo drapes. Stolen paintings from various museums, including the original famous Mona Lisa, were placed haphazardly on the walls. The paintings were placed atop real animal furs ranging from polar bear to Bengal tiger. Fake palm trees were placed in the corners to top off the glamorous and luxurious look. He crossed them as he lit an illegal Cuban cigar. The door leading to his room opened and a servant bowed before him.
    “Sir, can you be bothered for a moment,” the servant said his head still bowed.
    “It depends who is bothering me,” Death Adder said after taking a puff of his cigar.
    “It is Mr. Jacobsen, your scientist sir.”
    “Do send him in,” Death Adder said with a wave of his hand. He used his jewelry-laden index finger to knock some of the ashes out of his cigar. A small chunky man entered the room. He wore a chalk white science lab coat along with foggy gray goggles. As he spoke, his crooked yellow teeth came in to view behind his small mouth.
    “S-sir,” He stuttered.
    “Yes,” Death Adder said. “Have you progressed on my project?”
    “Well yes,” he started.
    Death Adder smiled but then quickly grew angry at what he heard next.
    “However, there w-were s-some complications, my kind sir.”
    “I won’t be very kind in a minute.” Death Adder hissed, rising from his chair. His forked tongue flickered in and out of his mouth. His yellow eyes stared down Mr. Jacobsen, making the small man quiver in place.
    Mr. Jacobsen used his finger to loosen his collar slightly. Sweat raced down his large forehead as his eyes twitched rapidly. CRACK!!! Death Adder slapped his table angrily, breaking off a corner. Mr. Jacobsen squealed and jumped in the air.
    “I want to know what happened and I want to know now,” said Death Adder his fists curled tightly. His guards stood motionless, waiting commands.
    “Well sir,” gulped Mr. Jacobsen. “In the d-development stages, there w-were many um, errors.”
    “Such as what?” Death Adder said as he glided around the table.
    “No need to get up sir,” Mr. Jacobsen said, his heart thundering in his chest while his throat threatened to clamp shut.
    “I’ll be the judge of that,” replied Death Adder, as he stood right in front of his table, tapping his right foot. “I am not a man to keep waiting,”
    His guards stood right in their places as they awaited any order to act.
    “The first solution was unstable and it blew up to quickly. The second was the same. Our third worked far too long. Our-”
    “Shut up Goldilocks!” interrupted Death Adder, now aware that Mr. Jacobsen was stalling. “Stop wasting my type you pathetic life form. When did it work correctly?”
    Now came the part Mr. Jacobsen was dreading since the moment he was called to give his first weekly report. His brilliant mind went one thousand miles an hour, developing ways to tell Death Adder of his failure. He came up with one that sound like it would let him live another day.
    “Sir, we at the lab have been working our hardest. Now the deadline for your plan is weeks away. There is no need for you to panic. I assure you good sir, that by the time of your very own grand finale, your instrument of Vera city’s destruction will be more than ready.” Mr. Jacobsen smiled confidently. He took two deep breaths, assuring himself that he had succeeded in convincing his boss to let him live. He almost turned back to the stairwell, but many past experiences had taught him not to count his eggs.
    “Very well then,” said Death Adder, turning away.
    Mr. Jacobsen beamed and turned towards the door. He used a handkerchief to wipe the sweat that had accumulated on his bushy eyebrows and thick neck. When he was done, he dried his hands and stuffed it back into his breast pocket. His hand reached out to grab the door. As his fingertips came into contact with cold brass dragon knob, his breathing was immediately cut off.
    “Pslteoapsiat” Mr. Jacobsen incoherently stammered.
    Death Adder’s cold pale hand gripped the fat man’s neck in a vice grip he effortlessly lifted him off the floor, sliding him up against the newly polished door. Death Adder loosened his grip slightly before continuing.
    “My dear friend, since you are so sure you are not going to fail, I’m going to raise the stakes. Is that ok with you?” Death Adder said with a smile that revealed his razor-sharp fangs.
    Mr. Jacobsen nodded his head as vigorously as he could while being choked.
    “If you fail to construct my ‘toy’ in the allotted time, your two year old son and twelve year old daughter will suffer. Miserably.”
    Mr. Jacobsen now looked more pale than normal.
    “If you try to hide them, I will find them. If you try to send them away, I will find them. If you kill them…” Death Adder paused slightly. “You don’t want to know.” He finished.
    Mr. Jacobsen nodded along he wrinkled his nose in disgust as Death Adder’s cigar smoke wafted into his nostrils.
    “Oh this,” said Death Adder, taking the cigar out from his mouth. Death Adder used his inhuman speed and jammed his cigar into the cheek of Mr. Jacobsen. Mr. Jacobsen screamed loudly and tried in a futile effort to wriggle free from his position on the door.
    “That doesn’t hurt you say?” asked Death Adder. Before Mr. Jacobsen could nod, Death Adder used only the super-strength behind his chic pinky nail and cut a quarter-sized hole around the cigar burn. The flesh fell outwards onto the floor. Death Adder squished it beneath his penny loafer. Tears fell to the floor from Mr. Jacobsen’s eyes.
    “We don’t want that to get infected do we?” teased Death Adder. He spat venom onto his index finger and rubbed it on the inside of the wound.
    “That one wasn’t poisonous, but the next one will be,” he said as he let Mr. Jacobsen go. The petite man stood and ran out of the room to the comforts of his lab. Death Adder turned and strolled back to his desk. He was lighting another cigar when his red cell phone rang.
    “Oh shit,” he said as he picked up. “Hello?”
    “Sir, we have some bad news,” said a Snake member on the other line.
    “No shit, that’s why you called the red phone.”
    “We just lost four guys in the Su-tang district.”
    ‘Fix it,” said Death Adder with a snarl. He slapped the phone shut and leaned back to enjoy his cigar.

    Some feedback please!!

  63. shyvioletson 07 Mar 2012 at 6:48 am

    Um I don’t think burns work like that. When you get a minor burn it only damages a few layers of skin and even if you cut around the burn it wouldn’t fall off because it’s still attached to other layers of skin as well as mucsle.

  64. YoungAuthoron 07 Mar 2012 at 2:50 pm

    It didn’t fall off, Death Adder used his pinky to cut it out. Death Adder has super strength thats why. 🙂

  65. shyvioletson 07 Mar 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Did he cut all the way under it or rip the skin off the muscle? Because I’m a little bit confused which is distracting me from a piece of writing that is otherwise pretty well done.

  66. shyvioletson 07 Mar 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Also fake palm trees and fake fur don’t seem particularly elegant or luxurious so you may want to swap those out. Live trees and white fur dyed red might work better. I also suggest not using palm trees as they tend to invoke swimsuits and flip flops as apposed suits and leather shoes.

  67. YoungAuthoron 07 Mar 2012 at 7:29 pm

    I agree about the fake palm trees, and the fake red fur was an accident. Thank you for catching those:)

  68. Gumion 07 Mar 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Hi YoungAuthor~!
    Well this is shorter compared to your other entries, so this’ll be quick. I’m assuming that this is to establish the character of Death Adder, and in this regard, it worked very well! I hate him a lot. Like, really hate him. Creating hatred for the villain will often make your protagonist more likable without you really doing anything to his character! Is Death Adder going to have some redeemable traits, or is he just going to be pure evil? While making him plain evil will make the reader root for your heroes, it also kind of eliminates the gray between the black and white morality thing. A good source of internal conflict for the heroes is wondering if they’re doing the right thing. I Death Adder has some sort of sympathetic reasoning, this might make it more interesting. I’m sure there is a way you can do this without sweetening his character.
    So, now a small edit:
    {“Stop wasting my type you pathetic life form. When did it work correctly?”}
    I think you mean time, yes?
    And this will be a small suggestion:
    {“I’ll be the judge of that,” replied Death Adder, as he stood right in front of his table, tapping his right foot.}
    This is a flow thing. Reading the same word in to close of a proximity often interrupts the rhythm and timing. So maybe he could tap his left foot, or stand ‘directly’ in front of the table.
    Also, where is this passage chronologically? Directly after the last passage you put up? Or someplace else?
    Nice writing as always,
    _-G

  69. YoungAuthoron 08 Mar 2012 at 4:31 am

    Thanks Gumi! 😀 This is my first kind of “cut scene” or “throne room” scene where you see the main villain for the first time. I input your suggestions, Thanks!

    Think of Death Adder like Magneto. Magneto has a somewhat good idea, but terrible reasons for going about it. Death Adder wants to kill a lot of the people of Vera city because a long time ago, they were racist towards mutants or supers. He hasn’t gotten over that. As they are dying, he and all the villains will walk into various banks andstores to take money as they please. (wearing gas masks).

  70. YoungAuthoron 13 Mar 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Its been a bit of time since i last wrote but I’m back! I just inserted another chapter (4 for now) with a chapert (5 but we’ll see) coming soon

  71. YoungAuthoron 13 Mar 2012 at 7:31 pm

    ALL FEEDBACK WELCOME!!!

    *before death of Kane’s family. note his cheeriness.

    By the third day of school, the first day wonders had worn off. Students had lost their cheeriness and teachers had begun to hand out homework. Tyler sat in the large, gray, lunchroom, eating with DeAndre, Kane, and others.
    “Dude have you seen Vanessa today?” said Sam through a mouthful of an egg salad sandwich.
    “Sam, who hasn’t seen her?” asked Kane with smile. The boys all laughed along.
    “I had her in my class for history,” said Tyler while spooning yogurt into his mouth. All the guys stared at him, yearning for more detail. “Guys, she’s my brother’s girlfriend, it’s weird.” He started. “But she looked really hot today.”
    “Lindsey looks solid today too,” came Sam after completing a high-five from Kane.
    Tyler tensed slightly as a protective feeling came over him.
    “Hey guy’s, that’s Tyler’s girl,” said DeAndre with a laugh.
    Tyler playfully punched DeAndre on the shoulder. The boys continued to talk about girls, school, and awful teachers.
    “Hey, you guys coming to my house today?” said DeAndre.
    “For what?” asked Kane
    “I just got Soldiers Death Call 3” DeAndre bragged, shrugging as if it were no big deal.
    Cheers went up from around the table.
    “How am I gonna get to your house,” asked Tyler.
    “Ask your brother for a ride.”
    Tyler stared wide-eyed at DeAndre.
    “I can’t ask him for a ride.”
    “Why not?”
    “He has a fake license and his car has no seat belts. The game is called Soldiers Death Call not Tyler’s Death Call.”
    “So?” DeAndre shrugged while chewing on a forkful of pasta and meatballs.
    “My parents will kill me if I get caught in that car.”
    “Do they know about the car?”
    “No.”
    “Aaron hasn’t been caught yet, has he?”
    “No, but what does that have to do with anything?”
    “So he must be a good driver,” DeAndre concluded with a nod of his head as he pointed his sauce-covered fork at Tyler.
    Tyler looked around and saw all of his friends nodding.
    “It’s Soldiers Death Call 3. You know you can’t miss.” DeAndre said.
    Tyler glanced around to see all of his friends nodding once more. He threw up his hands in defeat.
    “Fine, I’ll go ask him,” He said as he rose from the table. He walked over, cruising in between tables. Tyler looked up towards his brother’s table and panicked.
    “Shit,” he said to himself.
    His eyes landed on Lindsey Summers. Her blindingly white smile made his heart quake. Her usually straight blonde hair was curled today, to Tyler’s approval. She turned to the side and laughed at a joke someone made. Her sapphire eyes glistened and twinkled with laughter. A smile found its way to Tyler’s face as his dreamy expression continued. Her dimples were craters of perfection on her face.
    “Hey watch it,” said someone as they bumped past Tyler. Tyler was snapped back into reality by the unpleasant interruption.
    “Sorry,” he mumbled as he passed by.
    Tyler’s feeling of panic immediately came back. He raised his hand to his mouth and smelt his breath.
    “Ugh,” he said, recoiling in disgust. “Yogurt breath.”
    Tyler quickly snuck a sniff at his armpits, checking for putrid odors. He nodded, satisfied. He smoothened out his gray hoodie as he came up to the table.
    “Hey Aaron,” he said, his voice barely audible over the noise of the cafeteria.
    Aaron kept talking with his friends, laughing at a joke one of them made about a girl who was sitting by herself.
    “Whatta loser,” Aaron said with a laugh.
    “Aaron,” Tyler said, more loudly this time. Faces across the table looked upon him.
    “What the hell do you want,” said Keith Greene, looking up from where he sat.
    Tyler opened his mouth to answer but no words came out. Keith Greene despised Tyler and Tyler despised Keith Greene. Keith had relentlessly bullied him since the 6th grade. He hadn’t gone a week without picking on Tyler, and it was surprising he’d gone this long. Tyler yearned to use his fighting skills, but he’d promised his mom he wouldn’t. He hated how Keith bragged about knowing mixed martial arts. He always put them on full display when terrorizing others. Teachers never suspected the honor roll student and lacrosse star, so he never got in trouble. Reports against him were shrugged off as lies and blasphemy.
    “Hey everyone,” said Aaron. “This is my new brother.”
    “This is him?” asked Vanessa, looking at Tyler.
    “He’s not half bad,” said one of the girls at the table.
    “He’s kinda cut,” agreed Lindsey.
    Tyler blushed slightly before remembering what he was there for.
    “Aaron, can I get a ride after school?” Tyler said.
    “Why?”
    “I need one”
    “Why?”
    “I’m going somewhere,”
    “Where,”
    “I’m going to DeAndre’s house.”
    “Why?”
    “To do stuff,” Tyler said. “Why are you being so nosy?”
    Aaron’s friends oohed at Tyler’s small show of defiance.
    “Shut up,” Aaron snapped.
    His friends reduced to small snickers.
    “Yeah, you can get a ride there, but not one back,” Aaron answered.
    “Why not?”
    “He’s going to something called a party moron,” said Keith, standing up. He came closer to Tyler until they stood face to face. “A social gathering. Not like you’ve been to one.”
    Aaron’s friends howled with laughter as the girls snickered.
    “Shut up,” Tyler said. He winced as he wished he could take that back.
    Aaron and his friends oohed loudly as heads around the cafeteria turned.
    “Got something to say faggot?” asked Keith as he shoved Tyler in the chest.
    More people looked over. Whispers filled the lunchroom. Tyler wanted to just walk away, but he didn’t want to be embarrassed. He couldn’t back down.
    “I said shut up.” Tyler pushed Keith back. Keith stumbled a few steps backward into his table.
    “You gonna take that Keith?” goaded the other boys.
    The girls snickered. Keith turned red.
    “You think you’re tough, huh,” Keith said as he stood back up.
    “Kinda,” Tyler said with a shrug. Chuckles went up from the nearby tables.
    Keith grabbed Tyler by the hood. He swung Tyler into the table. Tyler turned and reached out to catch himself. His left hand smacked a bowl full of nachos with cheese and salsa. The overturned bowl fell straight into the lap of Lindsey Summers, splattering everywhere.
    “What the fuck?” she yelled, standing up.
    Tyler stumbled with an apology as laughter filled the cafeteria.
    “Nice job clutz!”
    “Slap him!”
    “Clumsy much?”
    “S-s-sorry,” Tyler said.
    Keith gave Tyler a light shove. Tyler came forward but flinched when Keith reared his fist back.
    “That’s what I thought,” He said with a flick of his short wavy blonde hair. “Lets go,” he said.
    Aaron and the rest of the boys stood and left, laughing obnoxiously. The girls followed suit, laughing at Tyler’s mishap.
    “I’m so sorry,” Tyler said, helping Lindsey stand.
    “It’s fine,” she said.
    Tyler followed her as her as she walked towards the napkin stand.
    “You’re still here?” She asked as she turned around.
    “I figured I’d help you clean up,” Tyler said bashfully.
    “So you’re a gentlemen?” She said.
    Not knowing how to respond, Tyler kept quiet and gave her more napkins.
    “Thanks,” she said. She had gotten most of the mess off of her skirt.
    “No problem,” Tyler said.
    “Do you wanna come to party tonight?” She asked as she threw away the napkins.
    “Me?” Tyler asked bewildered.
    “No, the guy behind you,”
    “Oh,” Tyler said meekly.
    “No, Tyler, I meant you.”
    “Well, sure I guess.”
    “Bring some of your friends. You won’t be disappointed,” she said with a wink.
    “Ok.” Tyler nodded.
    Lindsey cat walked away, one foot in front of the other while guys checked out her ass as she walked by.
    “Oh and Tyler,” she said.
    Tyler turned back to look at her.
    “I think clumsy is cute,” she said.
    Tyler smiled and walked away. He feet didn’t touch the floor and his hands grabbed fistfuls of clouds as he glided to his seat.
    “Guys, I have good news.”

  72. YoungAuthoron 13 Mar 2012 at 7:32 pm

    This will probably be CH4 with a new CH5 to come.

  73. YoungAuthoron 13 Mar 2012 at 7:33 pm

    ^^sorry for the double comments, computer issues 🙁

  74. HomuHomuon 14 Mar 2012 at 1:28 am

    More setting description would be nice in the first paragraph. I would suggest you point out interesting details about the cafeteria, anything besides the color (i.e.- It’s all covered in food from a food fight, are there many teachers guarding any places, etc.) Also maybe suggest where the group is sitting, maybe it relates to their personality as a whole (i.e.- Do they sit in the back, middle, near any notable cliques, away from the “bullies”, etc.)

    “[…] yearning for more detail.” – This could be showed through their body language and expressions.

    “”[…] it’s weird.” He started. “But she looked really hot today.”” – Punctuation-wise, should be “[…] weird,” he started, “but she […]”

    “Tyler tensed slightly as a protective feeling came over him.” – Again, could be show through body language and expression.

    ““Hey guys,” – Apostrophe ‘s’ signifies possession, in this case it should just be the plural s.

    “Tyler playfully punched DeAndre on the shoulder. The boys continued to talk about girls, school, and awful teachers.” – This line seems pretty uneccessary. I know it’s supposed to show a bit of time passing, but it…I’m not feeling it, is what I’m trying to say. Does that make sense?

    ““How am I gonna get to your house,” asked Tyler.
    “Ask your brother for a ride.”” – Couldn’t he ask his parents? Also, this could stand out a bit more. (“You know I can’t drive yet” or “My parents won’t let me get a car until [insert something witty here].”

    “Tyler stared wide-eyed at DeAndre.
    “I can’t ask him for a ride.”” – Join these two sentences together, they don’t need to be separate paragraphs. Could be transfer format issues though.

    “The game is called Soldiers Death Call not Tyler’s Death Call.”” – I like this line 🙂 Somehow I think it could be a bit more clearer/smoother, but I can’t think of another way to edit it. I also think it could be more effective to add “My parents will kill me if I get caught in that car.” in between that dialogue. I could be wrong though, I can’t think straight anymore.

    “He walked over, cruising in between tables.” Redundancy, also the word cruised invokes the feeling of Tyler being ‘cool’ or at least trying to act that way, which I’m guessing that he’s neither in-story.

    “Tyler […] panicked.” – This could be show as well.

    “His eyes landed on Lindsey Summers. Her blindingly white smile made his heart quake. Her usually straight blonde hair was curled today, to Tyler’s approval. She turned to the side and laughed at a joke someone made. Her sapphire eyes glistened and twinkled with laughter. A smile found its way to Tyler’s face as his dreamy expression continued. Her dimples were craters of perfection on her face.” – Unless she over-bleached her teeth as much as Ross in that one episode of Friends, I think blindingly could be dazziling. Are there any traits Tyler would notice about Lindsey that could bring out his personality? I had an example…and I just lost it, urgh. Also the dreamy expression could be shown.

    I do like that he notices her dimples. I absolutely adore dimples. I can’t help but drool over someone who has them, regardless of whether they like it or not 🙂

    “Tyler’s feeling of panic immediately came back” – Could be shown.

    Is there any reason he has to check his body odor? He’s just going to see his brother. Oh, on that note, I suggest you make it clearer that Lindsey is sitting at Aaron’s table. When I read through, my first impression was that he just passed her by on his way.

    “he said, his voice barely audible over the noise of the cafeteria.” – I think this is shown in the next sentence, since his brother doesn’t turn around, so it’s redundant.

    I think the paragraph about Tyler and Keith could stand out more and perhaps have Tyler remember certain incidents from being bullied.

    I think it would work better if you used the word blasphemy by itself, especially if they think so highly of Keith 😉

    I’m a bit confused (then again I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT), but is this the first time Aaron’s gang meet Tyler? I’m not sure whether they just started high school or another year. If it’s been mentioned before, forgive me. And why is Aaron brotherly at home but not in school?

    ““He’s kinda cut,”” I agree I like cut guys too. Whole guys are boring, they’re much better in pieces.

    “Tyler blushed slightly before remembering what he was there for.” – This could be shown again, maybe he fumbles for words or something to that effect.

    I kind of like that Aaron is just asking pure “why’s?”. It’s childish sibbling annoyance 🙂

    “He winced as he wished he could take that back.” – Could be shown more.

    I don’t know how well the word faggot will fly with publishers (considering some find it offensive, even if it does mean cigarette and nothing else), but it’s believable. That and the world gay. Oy, this takes me back.

    “More people looked over. Whispers filled the lunchroom. Tyler wanted to just walk away, but he didn’t want to be embarrassed. He couldn’t back down.” A little more description would be nice, maybe everyone’s crowding, or teachers are getting closer (if there are any). And maybe his waver-turned-resolve could be shown.

    Lindsey’s surname is unecessary here.

    Oh, I though Aaron was the leader of the group. Or is there even one?

    ““You’re still here?” She asked” – The she should be lowercase if it’s after a question mark.

    ““So you’re a gentlemen?”” – Since Tyler isn’t plural, it’s man.

    I think some gestures/expressions could help liven up Lindsey and Tylers conversation. Also, is she at liberty to invite someone they obviously don’t like? Is she a trap? Or is she genuinely oblivious to the possible consequences of her actions?

    “Lindsey cat walked away, one foot in front of the other while guys checked out her ass as she walked by.” – This could be worded better.

    “He feet didn’t touch the floor and his hands grabbed fistfuls of clouds as he glided to his seat.” – I think you could also show a bit more here.
    ————————————

    I think your main issues are two:
    1) Telling rather than showing. And I don’t have any way to explain this any better (but I can point it out). Online research will help you more than I can in this area.

    2) Descriptions. You’ve got a good start, but I do suggest perhaps adding a bit more to describe the setting and adding more interesting details, rather than just something like color. Color is usually forgetful. Describle body language too, like when the characters are angry. Do they clench their fists or go full on “slap-happy” rage? That could help with showing vs. telling as well.

    One last note, it honestly feels like the only use for the females so far is to encourage the males, be love interests, and serve as eye-candy for the guys. I think developing their characters would help, because they honestly (so far) don’t seem particularly…useful.

    ———————————————-
    I really do apologize if none of this made any sense. I’m sleep deprived and really, really hungry. Work’s kind of a bitch. I’ll get to the other chapter/s later, preferrably when I’ve at least eaten.

  75. HomuHomuon 14 Mar 2012 at 1:29 am

    Spelling errors everywhere. Ick.

  76. YoungAuthoron 14 Mar 2012 at 12:29 pm

    yeah i noticed the spelling errors but i was in a mad typing frenzy so i forgot to fix them 😀 . thanks for the feedback! very useful 🙂

  77. YoungAuthoron 14 Mar 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I think your main issues are two:
    1) Telling rather than showing. And I don’t have any way to explain this any better (but I can point it out). Online research will help you more than I can in this area.

    2) Descriptions. You’ve got a good start, but I do suggest perhaps adding a bit more to describe the setting and adding more interesting details, rather than just something like color. Color is usually forgetful. Describle body language too, like when the characters are angry. Do they clench their fists or go full on “slap-happy” rage? That could help with showing vs. telling as well.

    ^^^ i totally agree.

    Couldn’t he ask his parents? (his parents are busy at work a.k.a. saving people or actually working.)

    They’re juniors in high school. Aaron became his step-brother over the summer, but previously he would slightly bully Tyler. Aaron’s slightly embarressed of Tyler due to his lack of “coolness”
    This Keith Greene character is Tyler’s main bully. they’ll get into a small fight later
    (kinda like spider-man).

  78. YAon 20 Mar 2012 at 4:20 am

    All feedback welcome!! Enjoy!

    CH.5

    Tyler bounded up the steps of his house. He looked down at himself before he entered. His clothes looked wind beaten, his shirt with a hole in it. His dark blue sneakers were beaten, dirty, and ridden with multiple small tears.
    “Did I run that fast?” he said as he rang the doorbell.
    The door opened and Laser stood at the door, arms crossed with a frown. She leaned against the frame and raised an eyebrow at his appearance.
    “What happened here?”
    “Well I kinda ran home.” Tyler said with a wince.
    “You ran home?”
    “Yeah.”
    “How fast?”
    “Super fast.”
    “From where?”
    “DeAndre’s house.”
    “That’s six miles away.”
    “Yes.”
    “When did you leave?”
    “8:09”
    “It’s still 8:09.”
    “Oh.”
    “You do know you could have called for a ride, right?”
    “I thought you were busy at work. At the hospital.”
    “Tyler you know I get off at 7:30 everyday. Better excuse. Try again.”
    “I wanted to try out my powers.” Tyler finally admitted.
    “What if someone caught you Tyler? What if a villain attacked you? What if you hurt someone? You’ve got to think these things through,” She scolded exasperated, walking away.
    Tyler entered with his head down.
    “Wanting to go on a power joyride is no excuse for coming home at 8:00. Stay home, we’ll talk later,” She said, entering her room, getting ready to change into her costume.
    “Shit,” he said. He walked to his room, slamming the door and jumping on his bed.
    You really messed up this time, he thought, covering his face with his hands. What am I gonna tell Lindsey? I can’t skip out on this. But mom would kill me if she found out.
    His door opened slightly, Aaron peering in.
    “What do you want,” Tyler groaned.
    “Just wondering if you were going to Lindsey’s beginning of the year ripper.”
    “I was but mom grounded me,” Tyler said, bracing for the snide remarks.
    “Your kidding right,” Aaron said with a laugh. “C’mon this is gonna be your first huge party. You’re gonna miss it ‘cause mommy grounded you?”
    “Well what am I supposed to do?”
    “You know the answer. It just depends if you have the balls to do it.”
    “Mom will smite me if I sneak out.”
    “Fine. Your loss then. I’ll tell you how good Lindsey looked. And about the guy, who wasn’t you, that she hooked up with. But you’ll have much more fun in here right?” Aaron said with a sardonic shrug of his shoulders. “Oh well, I’ll be on my way.”
    “Well…” Tyler began.
    “No, don’t let me convince you. Go on your own decision.” Aaron said before closing the door.
    8:10, Tyler thought, looking at the clock. The party starts at 8:30.
    He was in the bathroom in milliseconds. His clothes were on the floor and he was in the shower before five seconds were up. I’m really doing this, he thought as hot water poured down his back. I’m really sneaking out to go to a party. What’s gotten into me? Five minutes passed before he came out. Tyler stepped out into the steam, shaking his hair dry.
    “Hey bro,” Aaron said.
    “What the hell,” Tyler yelled. He quickly wrapped himself in a towel.
    “Calm down, there’s nothing to see.” He peered closer at Tyler. “Are you getting ready for the party,” Aaron asked, looking at himself in the mirror.
    “Yeah, aren’t you?” Tyler asked, drying his legs.
    “Sort of. We’re gonna get there at like 9:00, ok” Aaron said, putting on shaving cream.
    “Her house is half an hour away.”
    “I know.” Aaron said as he spread the shaving cream around.
    “The party starts at 8:30”
    “We’re going to be fashionably late my friend.”
    “What am I supposed to do for like an hour?”
    “I dunno, find something bub,” Aaron said as he took the sharp razor to the right side of his face.
    “I’ll keep showering since I don’t have any non-existent hairs to shave.” Tyler retorted while hopping back into the shower.
    ________________________________________________________________________
    “Are you getting dressed,” Aaron said, barging into Tyler room.
    “Already done,” Tyler said.
    Aaron looked him up and down and shook his head.
    “You’re not leaving the house dressed like that?” Aaron said at last.
    “Why not?” Tyler said, taken aback.
    “You’re wearing a purple polo, green khaki shorts and old gray running shoes. I will disown you if you step out like that.”
    “What should I wear?”
    “Come with me,” Aaron said with a wave of his hand.
    “Let me help out,” Aaron said when they arrived inside his room. “You can borrow some of my clothes.”
    “Why should I trust you?”
    “’Cause we’re brothers.”
    “You don’t act like it in school,” Tyler accused.
    “That’s because…” Aaron paused for a moment, trying to pick the right words.
    “Your embarrassed of me?”
    “No, not at all,” Aaron said, shaking his head unconvincingly. “It’s more like, I’m not happy with your image yet.”
    “What that supposed to mean?”
    “It means I’m trying to help you. Here, come back after you put these on,” Aaron said as he tossed Tyler a set of clothes.
    “Watch this,” Tyler said. “Done,” he said almost immediately after.
    “Watch wh- Ohh,” Aaron said as he saw. “Clever use of powers. Like what you see?” he asked as he turned a mirror towards Tyler.
    Tyler stared at his reflection and nodded his approval. The red long-sleeved shirt went nicely with the black slim jeans and gray high tops.
    “It looks better,” Tyler admitted with a smile. He rolled up his sleeves as he followed Aaron out of the room.
    “How am I gonna get past mom?” He asked.
    Aaron stared at him blankly. “She left ten minutes ago.”
    “She has a camera right on top of the front door.”
    “Tyler. In case you haven’t noticed, you have super-speed.”
    “The camera can still catch me”
    Aaron groaned as he put on his red Sucomset Regional High Lacrosse Varsity jacket.
    “Can you short circuit it for a second?” Tyler asked with hands clasped together.
    “Then we both get in trouble for something you wanna do.”
    “For a brother,” Tyler pleaded.
    “Fine,” Aaron said after moments of waiting. He exerted a spark of electricity that put the camera out of commission.
    “Thanks bro,” Tyler said as they bounded out the front door.
    In the street was a blue minivan, filled with hollering boys. The blasting rap music became deafening as Tyler and Aaron reached to car.
    “’Sup Aaron,” various voices yelled as he opened the door.
    “Who’s he?” another person said.
    “Guy’s, this is my brother Tyler,” Aaron said as they entered the already crowded car.
    “Why the hell is he here,” Keith Green said, trying to use his foot to push Tyler out of the car.
    “Leave him alone Keith,” Aaron snapped, grabbing Keith’s leg. He pushed it away before making room for himself.
    Keith glared at Tyler as Tyler wiggled his way into the back on the van.
    “Grab a beer,” some yelled as the car zoomed forward, swerving all across the road from lane to lane.
    Tyler gripped a part of the chair, his knuckles white. He turned as he felt a tap on his shoulder.
    “Here,” Aaron said as he thrust an open beer bottle into Tyler’s hand.
    “Aaron you know I don’t—” Tyler started, trying to give the bottle back.
    “C’mon, do it,” the boys yelled.
    “No it’s really—”
    “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”
    Tyler looked around, all the boys chanting and pumping their fists.
    “Gotta do it bro,” Aaron said as he clinked his own bottle to Tyler’s.
    Don’t think about it, Tyler thought. Before he could convince himself other wise, he chugged the beer.
    “Yeah!” Aaron hollered as he finished his.
    The other boys patted Tyler on the back as he tried to shake the nausea from his head and the bitter taste from his mouth. He belched loudly, earning him more cheers. Another warm beer was forced into his hand, this time in a can. Tyler sipped it discreetly as the car bounced along the road. He clanged his can with several other boys before the car pulled up Lindsey’s street.
    “Holy shit,” Tyler said as he stared at the lines of mansions that were on either side of the street.
    “King Street. Where only the super rich live.” Aaron said to him as the car came to a stop.
    “Let’s party,” Keith yelled as the boys piled out of the car.
    “Back here at 12:00 exactly. Any later and your left behind.” Aaron said.
    Tyler made his way to the walkway, mingling with the other boys.
    “Tyler,” called Aaron.
    Tyler turned as Aaron grabbed him hand. Aaron slapped a small package in his palm.
    “You’ll hopefully need this tonight,” he said with a smile.
    As Aaron walked away, Tyler looked at the package. “Latex Condom” it said in large blue cursive on the purple wrapping. The words were printed on top of a yellow smiley face.
    “Aaron,” he started, but Aaron had already gone to the top of the pack, swaggering his way up the granite stone walkway.
    “Shit,” he said to himself, stuffing the package into his pocket.
    Tyler took a deep breath as he walked up the walkway. You can do this, he thought as he entered.

  79. YoungAuthoron 25 Mar 2012 at 9:33 pm

    here’s the next chapter in my story, i’d really appreciate some feedback! all is welcome!! 😀

  80. YoungAuthoron 25 Mar 2012 at 9:33 pm

    Tyler glanced around inside. The living room was furnished with expensive leather couches and Turkish rugs. The yellow walls were covered with numerous family photos of vacations in far away places. Glass coffee tables were covered with numerous plastic red cups.
    There stood only eight people, talking quietly amongst themselves.
    “Where is everyone?” Tyler asked looking around. Is this a joke?
    “Don’t worry,” Aaron said with laugh. “The real party is downstairs.”
    “Downstairs?” Tyler asked, look around.
    “Come over here,” someone said. Tyler followed the group towards a mahogany door with the engraving Basement on it.
    “You guys ready to rock this place?” Keith asked.
    Tyler found himself cheering with the others as Keith opened the door. Tyler looked down and saw darkness mixing with brightly colored lights. The lights were flickering on off at speeds comparable to Tyler’s.
    “I can barely see,” he said as he made his way down the spiraling staircase, his voice drowned out by the music.
    Loud clubbing music mixed with frenzied chatter when Tyler reached the bottom. Darkness quickly interchanged with a barrage of different colored lights as Tyler squinted to see what was in his way.
    “Tyler,” a voice called.
    Tyler turned in several directions as he tried to see where the call had come from.
    “Over here Tyler,” the voice said.
    Tyler looked over his left shoulder. Through the mob of bodies, he barely made out DeAndre’s hand waving him over. He waved back before making his way over. He used his arms to help him maneuver thorough the sea of partygoers. A drunken girl tried to hug him. She wrapped her arms around him, slurring her words as she tried to communicate.
    “Ew,” Tyler said as he shrugged her off.
    She reached after him, but was swallowed up the crowd. Seconds later, another drunk, this time a boy, tried to force Tyler to drink his beer. Tyler slapped away using his super speed subconsciously.
    “No thanks,” he said with a brief smile before escaping. This is crazy, he thought as he finally reached DeAndre. DeAndre stood with Kane and Sam, talking to some girls.
    “Tyler, my man,” he said, his arms raised. “Looking fly.”
    “Same to you. I like the jean jacket.” Tyler said with a laugh as he low-fived DeAndre.
    DeAndre pushed his aviators to his forehead as Tyler greeted Kane and the others.
    “Ladies, meet Tyler. Tyler meet Christy, Miranda, and Renee.”
    Tyler waved before shoving his hands in his pockets.
    “Have you seen Lindsey?” he whispered into DeAndre’s ear.
    “Forget her man,” DeAndre said. “Renee’s interested in you already.”
    Tyler glanced at Renee and had to admit she was pretty impressive. She wore a tight low cut pink shirt and a striped skirt that seemed just to small.
    Tyler nodded, still looking around the dark and crowded room. The other boys left, leaving Kane, DeAndre, and Tyler alone with the girls. They flirted and chatted, DeAndre doing most of the talking.
    “Lets go get these ladies some drinks,” he finally said.
    “I thought you’d never stop talking,” Kane said with a fake groan as the reached the cooler.
    “Focus boys,” DeAndre said as he pulled three gray and red beer cans from the cooler. “We have a good chance to get with these girls. Start some small talk.”
    “I’m good,” Tyler said as he put down the beer.
    “Look who’s coming this way,” Kane said, pointing with his chin.
    Tyler looked over and saw Lindsey strolling their way.
    “Hey guys I’ll meet you back at there, just ’gimme a second.”
    Kane dragged a disagreeing DeAndre away as Lindsey stopped at the refreshment table, with the beer in his hand. Tyler wiped his sweaty palms on his shorts. He found himself smiling as he saw her in a tight sky blue dress that went from just above her chest to just below her ass.
    “Hey there,” Lindsey said, flashing him one of her million-dollar smiles.
    “Hey yourself,” he said, smiling too. Dumb response Tyler, he thought. Great job on acting cool.
    “You like the party?” she said, shouting slightly over the loud music.
    “Yeah it’s great.” Tyler said nodding.
    “Have you found a pretty girl yet?” she said mischievously with a wink.
    “I’m looking at one.” He said. Nice going Tyler. Now she’s gonna think you’re a creep.
    “Thanks,” she said. “Do you like my outfit?”
    “I love it.” He said as he grinned wider. First you’re a creep. Now you’re a pervert. Damn Tyler you’re on a roll.
    She laughed loudly before ordering a bartender towards them.
    “Two hard shots,” she yelled into the bartender’s ear. “Mix them with soda.”
    The bartender nodded and served up their drinks right away.
    “You gonna take a shot with me?” she asked as she passed one of the miniature glass cups his way.
    “Why not,” he said with a laugh as he swallowed the liquor and soda mixture down. He winced as it burned his throat and he recoiled at the taste.
    “Another one,” Lindsey told the bartender.
    The shots came and the glasses were immediately emptied.
    This is so gross, Tyler thought as he shook his head in a failing attempt to clear it.
    After they finished their fourth, Lindsey pulled Tyler away from the small bar.
    “I meet up with you later, go have some fun,” she said, trying to be heard over the music.
    Tyler nodded and he made his way back to DeAndre, Kane, and the girls, stumbling slightly the whole way there.
    “Hey guys,” he said.
    “Took you long enough,” DeAndre said.
    “Everybody grab a partner and head to the dance floor!” the DJ yelled as he changed the music.
    Before Tyler could look for Lindsey, Renee grabbed his hand and dragged him to the middle of the dance floor. It was crowded in seconds. The incredibly fast music was turned up even louder to the point of deafening. Renee got in front on Tyler and started grinding sexily.
    “Good stuff huh?” came a voice from behind Tyler.
    Tyler spared a peek away from Renee to see Vanessa grinding of a waving Aaron. He nodded in agreement for a laugh.
    Three songs, two beers, and a shot later, Tyler found himself kissing Renee as they stumbled up the stairs of Lindsey’s house. Her tongue wrestled roughly with his own as her hands gripped his gelled hair.
    “Do you wanna…?” she asked into his ear as he carried her to the top of the stairs.
    Tyler barely heard what she said, his head swimming with half-finished thoughts. The alcohol was invading his mind and disrupting his ability to think clearly. He merely nodded as they reached they upstairs hallway. As he kissed Renee, he tried to remember another girl that he’d come to the party for. Lisa? Libby, he thought uncertainly. He stumbled slightly, tripping over his own feet. Renee hit the floor, squealing with laughter. Tyler looked up, his vision doubled and his mind cluttered. Am I hearing something? There was noise from behind a door. Lindsey! Tyler thought as he heard her voice. He lurched towards the door, pulling it open. It was a bathroom, Lindsey sat on the sink with Keith standing between her legs, kissing her.
    “Ok, Keith get off me,” Lindsey said with a giggle.
    Tyler flared with anger, but it was immediately interfered with by a kiss from Renee, who had gotten up from where she had fallen.
    “C’mon baby, lets get us somewhere to-to play,” she slurred, slobbering over his neck while pulling on his arm.
    Tyler wanted to get up, but something in the back of his mind told him to stay.
    “Keith, get off,” Lindsey said, pushing him away with both hands. “I’m not sleeping with you.”
    “C’mon babe, just relax,” he said, coming closer and planting several kisses on her neck.
    “No,” she said, this time much more forcefully, shoving him against the wall.
    “Hey, stop that,” Keith said angrily as he grabbed her arm.
    “Let go, Keith. I’m warning you,” she said, glaring at him.
    “Shut up and enjoy it,” Keith said as he made grab for the zipper on the back of her dress.
    “Hey st—,” Tyler began. He paused to watch Lindsey handle the situation for herself.
    She grabbed his reaching hand and pushed it away. She shrugged off his other arm and slid down from the sink to the floor. Keith grabbed her waist roughly, trying to pull her towards him. She threw back her elbow, smashing it into Keith’s nose, breaking it.
    “Arg!” he yelled as he crumbled to his knees hands over his nose. “Stupid bitch!”
    Lindsey, without looking, swung her leg around Keith’s neck, pinning it between her thigh and calf. She closed down on his neck, choking him unconscious. He lay still, breathing heavily.
    “Holy shit,” Tyler said, as he rubbed his eyes in disbelief. He had just learned that move last week from his dad. How did she know that?
    Lindsey brushed off her dress before strolling past Tyler and Renee on the floor.
    “Later Tyler,” she said casually, as if nothing had happened. Tyler left Renee on the floor, slobbering over herself, and stumbled down the stairs.
    “Lindsey how’d you do that?” Tyler asked as he caught up to her.
    “Do what?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.
    “What you did back there. It was amazing,” Tyler blurted.
    “Ty, I think you’ve had a little too much to drink,” she said while putting a hand on his shoulder.
    “No,” Tyler started, but Lindsey left downstairs to rejoin the party.
    ________________________________________________________________________
    The ride home was miserable. The least drunk of them drove everybody home. The car spun out twice and swerved violently on every turn. Everyone took turn throwing up out the open windows. The car finally stopped at Tyler and Aaron’s house.
    “Thanks for the ride,” Aaron said as he crawled out of the car.
    Tyler made his way out and immediately heaved up what was left in his stomach onto the grass. Beside him Aaron was doing the same. It took them several minutes to make their way to the front door.
    “Don’t r-r-ring the b-bell,” Aaron stammered, wiping sweat from his brow.
    “W-why not?” Tyler asked, holding down another round.
    “Who the hell is g-gonna open the door?” Aaron snapped.
    Tyler stares as Aaron hovers to his room window.
    “How am I supposed to get in?” Tyler asks.
    Aaron groaned and picked Tyler up. He flew him to his room.
    “Thanks Aaron. For tonight. I really appreciate it man,” Tyler said as he clambered into his room.
    “Dude, it’s two in the morning. I’m too tired to hear this deep ‘I love you man’ stuff,” Aaron said before flying to his own room.
    Tyler laughed before lying down on his bed. His head hit the pillow and his mind was on replay, filled with images of the night. He slept peacefully, not hearing Laser peep in on him. She sighed and closed the door without a word, shaking her head.

  81. YoungAuthoron 09 Apr 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Haven’t looked at this in a while, hehe. any feedback would be nice and new chapters coming soon.

  82. LanternGreenon 08 Jul 2012 at 11:46 am

    That is a pretty cool party scene

  83. Anonymouson 28 Jul 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Your characters need more personality, to be more likeable and for goodness sakes’, stop objectifying women at every page. It’s painfully obvious from your writing that you’re a boy. But Laser’s personality comes across better than everyone else’s, I enjoyed her.

    I don’t know the overall plot, but your ideas sound good. Just work on your execution. With more practice and age, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

  84. YoungAuthoron 29 Jul 2012 at 10:38 am

    Thank you anonymous, i sincerely appreciate your help but this story has been trashed and forgotten 🙁 . Thank you however for your critisism and praise.

    “stop objectifying women at every page.” what do you mean by this? I would like to know so i can better my writing

  85. B. McKenzieon 29 Jul 2012 at 11:18 am

    I can’t speak for the original commenter, but I would take “stop objectifying women at every page” to mean something like “the female characters get too few goals/ideas/actions of their own (and are probably instead, say, love interests, damsels in distress, or characters that passively follow whatever the leads are doing”).

    If I were reviewing a manuscript, I think my red flags here would include…
    –A significant character is developed mainly in terms of dating desirability (e.g. some combination of physical hotness, a personality that basically consists of being sexy, money, exoticness/supernaturalness, etc), but missing anything that would actually make the character memorable.
    –A significant character has no protagonist-vs-protagonist conflicts outside of romance.
    –A significant character has no major effect on the plot outside of romance (although this might not be an issue if the story is mainly a romance).
    –A significant character does not have any unusual choices outside of romance.
    –A significant character inexplicably acts (or fails to act) in response to others. For example, in Green Lantern and First Class, I have much less respect for Carol Ferris and Emma Frost because they inexplicably roll over in response to tasteless and/or incompetent actions–Carol personally intervenes to save Hal’s job even after he loses half of the company’s jobs, Carol initially says no to Hal’s dancing request but says yes after he keeps obnoxiously humming, and Shaw makes Frost get ice for his drink in a really asinine way. In contrast, The Incredibles’ Mirage comes across as far more interesting here because she reacts believably–after Mirage’s boss risks her life (daring Mr. Incredible to go through with his threat of snapping her neck), Mirage confronts him and eventually turns on him. Unlike Frost and Ferris, she actually has a mind of her own.
    –Female characters act in such a way that it looks pretty obvious that the author’s main exposure to women is through movies/TV.
    –A significant character is just desperately boring.

    More details here (although I think you’ve already read this article).

  86. YoungAuthoron 29 Jul 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Thanks B.Mac. Although this story has long been scrapped, I use this post as a checklist for future female characters. 🙂

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