Jan 06 2012

Comic Book Guy’s Review Forum

Published by at 4:28 am under Review Forums

Comic Book Guy: “I have an conceptual idea for a total redesign of the DC comic universe and would like to know what people of work I’ve done on the members of the Justice League.”

50 responses so far

50 Responses to “Comic Book Guy’s Review Forum”

  1. Comicbookguy117on 13 Jan 2012 at 7:28 am

    Ok first things first. I must admit that these characters may feel drastically different. This is because I wanted to imcorporate human realism with these heroes. Simply put, this will not be the Golden Age of heroes. These are real human characters that happen to have superpowers.

    So, let’s get started,

    Bruce Wayne (Batman)
    -not a lot has changed for this character. He is still an anti-social, terror hero who is spurred on by the death of his parents. What is different is that this Batman is completely aware of the various magical and super-powered people running around the DCU, even if Gotham City has little to none. He has forged himself through fire and is more than capable of fighting the good fight and making those difficult decisions that must be made. He’s been at this for about two and half years before my story starts and has earned the attention of some of the greatest villains Gotham has to offer.

    –Powers/abilities–
    -peak-human attribute along with expert training in martial arts, marksmanship and investigating
    -access to high-tech gadgetry

    Clark Kent (Superman)
    -these characters have changed considerably. Less powerful, more human and has a rather large chip on his shoulder. See I love DC Comics. Their tv shows, movies and videogames. But I found it annoying that Superman could do no wrong. He was impervious and nothing could defeat him. Now I heard opinions on all sides of this argument. Some say that because he so physically powerful that a good tactic to use is to assault his morals or emotional connections. And it’s worked before. But I enjoy seeing a GOOD fight wherein both fighters are bleeding and exhausted by the end of the fight. Something like the Rocky Balboa fights. Those were incredible fights! Anyway I’ve looked through Superman’s rouges gallery and found that a lot of enemies just don’t measure up to the Man of Steel. Like Toyman, a human who uses toy-inspired gadgets: no real challenge. Volcana, a simple pyro-kinetic: Superman is fireproof.
    I’m not going to touch Lex Luthor, he IS a credible threat for Superman. Anyway, I noticed that Superman really hasn’t been challenged by his rouges. Every time Batman goes out he could die. I want to capture that feeling with Superman and my other heroes as well.

    -so this required a major overhaul on Clark, Superman and his rouges. So in the ultimate DCU everybody knows Superman. The smile, the chiseled physique and of course his ability to show up right on time. What few people don’t know is that level of perfection takes its toll on a man. See, Superman became this thing that the people of Smallville began to rely on. They had him at opening ceremonies, autograph sessions and of course fighting supervillains. There was less and less time to be Clark Kent, which led to his break-up with Lana Lang. Superman left Smallville shortly after that. He headed for the big city of Metropolis. So that’s where my Superman is now. Clark is frustrated that people rely so much on him that they don’t do for themselves. He feels guilty because he’s so pissed off. But at the drop of a hat he’ll fly off to save the day, because that’s what needs to be done. But behind that gleaming smile he knows that not even a super-man can do it all.

    –Powers/abilities–
    -absorption of solar energy
    -harnessed solar energy can be used to augment his attributes to super-human levels and fly
    -harnessed solar energy can also be used to generate offensive blasts of solar energy, these can be fired from his eyes or hands

    Diana Prince (Wonder Woman)
    -when approaching this character I wanted to stay away from having ‘a female Superman’ for the sake of female morale. Instead she will be her own unique character. To that end I took the fact that she is considered a magical warrior to heart. She is an accomplished and mostly self-trained sorceress. She can use magic to achieve various effects, though she usually focuses on enhancing her combat skills. In battle she is cunning, ferocious and unrelenting. Outside of battle, her compassion and empathy for others allows her to connect with people very easily. She views humanity as a child who is playing too rough with their big, nuclear toys. Despite this, she fights for the majority and openly acts as an ambassador between her people and ours.

    –Powers/abilities–
    -a powerful sorceress who is gifted in alteration magic which allows for the manipulation of the physical world
    -this allows her to augment her attributes, flight, regenerate and see magical energy as a physical aura
    -outside of her usual, combat-enhanced, repertoire she can solidify the air for shields, transmute matter and create/nullify sound waves
    -the above two bullets are just a few examples of her abilities and are listed to give just an impression of what she can do

    Wally West (the Flash)
    -admittedly, I don’t know how much of what I’m going to say about this character is different from the main stream version, as I don’t know that much about him. But here it goes. He’s a college senior in Central City who received his powers during his teens. He’s been the guardian of Central City since than with no need for a secret identity. This fact, however, extends as far as the city limits. The world outside of Central City, has no idea of the connection between Wally and the Flash. Now while both may be immature at times, when it’s time to get serious they’re ready to go with a punch…and a smart remark. An everyman, he enjoys smacking down supervillains as much as hanging out with his friends while trying to impress the latest love of his life.

    –Powers/abilities–
    -super-human speed through manipulation of the speed force
    -brilliant, but lazy, mind gifted in the understanding of physics

    Shayera Hol (Hawkgirl)
    -is a member of a race of extra-dimensional beings that have existed far longer than humanity. No one knows why or how they became so invested in humanity. But their involvement has been seen throughout our history in the forms of various disasters, flying machines in ancient Egypt and tales of angels. These accounts are all based on factual events, but have no hard evidence of their involvement other than hearsay. Most of what we have today, came with inspiration from them.

    -this character is a high-ranking soldier and is one of the best. During a routine scouting mission, her team is betrayed and she is left behind on Earth. Far from home, and with no way to return, she reluctantly ventures out into world she’s been watching from a distance. What she finds is rampant crime and villainy. She remembers she is a soldier and decides to put that to good use. The natives begin calling her Hawkgirl. One day, while chasing what she thought was a common criminal, she travels through a portal of some kind. She is transported to the modern world, where the criminal escapes. While mourning and wondering if she’ll ever get home, she again becomes the hero known as Hawkgirl.

    –Powers/abilities–
    -flight, via natural white-feathered wings
    -manipulation of her own life-energy, or chi, allows her to heighten her attributes
    -excellent military strategist and soldier who wields an Nth metal mace with can be charged with anti-magical energy

    J’onn J’onzz/John Jones (the Manhunter)
    -the sole survivor of the Martian race that was destroyed in an absolutely tragic genocidal attack. See the Martian race was very much like we are now, using science to try and understand the universe. They were a little more advanced than we are however. And their latest project, trying to create life, was ready for completion. The research was done, the financing gained and the community waited with baited breath. They began. The hive mind of the Martians beamed with the excitement of the scientists. But that joy quickly turned to fear when the attack started. As soon as this new life form awoke into existence, it turned on its creators. An unexpected tragedy became apparent when it began turning Martians into others like it, ripping them from the hive mind. The war had begun. It lasted another fifteen years and culminated in one final assault which was to be the end of the enemy. But once again, the Martians had underestimated their foe. A lone scientist was all that managed to get to a working ship. Before he left his fallen home, he destroyed any remaining ships and detonated the charges that the survivors had been laying for weeks. The blast wave knocked his ship into Earth’s orbit, where it crashed. The Martian, having survived the crash was taken to a secret government facility for questioning. When he told his story, he was acknowledged for the tragedy that he had survived. He was given whatever he needed, except freedom. The public would never accept him. In exchange for scientific information/equipment, he offered his services in tracking down government targets. He became a valuable and treasured agent, and was even given the nickname ‘the Manhunter’.

    –Powers/abilities–
    -his Martian physiology gives him a malleable body, allowing for various feats of bio-kinesis and a hive minded brain allowing for telepathy

    Hal Jordan (Green Lantern)
    -not much has changed for this character. He’s a cocky, less than humble, womanizing fighter pilot. I really felt like I should go far with his negative qualities so that his decision to become a hero forces him to first look at himself. Than he asks what he can do for others. He really grows up a lot you know? However, he will be that member of the group that comes and goes. He may be there one adventure and gone to the Andromeda galaxy the next adventure. To be honest, I’m not really sure he’s gonna consider himself as part of the team because of his extra-solar duties. But he loves the idea and is glad to work with such great individuals.

    –Powers/abilities–
    -his power ring gives him the ability to create constructs of emerald energy that are based on his imagination and powered by his will

  2. Marquison 13 Jan 2012 at 9:09 am

    Ok I think overall I like the redesign of superman.he’s always been my favorite, but at the same time I always noticed that enemies were simply no match for him. Unless of course if it was another alien that was overly huge or a monster that was nothing but rage ( doomsday ) I always felt like he could do anything. He was so overpowered and he had a perfect mind. Even with the lingering thought of him knowing his planet was destroyed along with his family. He could always push this thought away. Superman

  3. Black Noteon 13 Jan 2012 at 9:50 am

    Yoh Comicbookguy!!! You are absolutely brilliant!

  4. Comicbookguy117on 13 Jan 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Thank you Black Note. What did you find so brilliant though? Out of curiousity.

    And to Marquis, I too loved Superman but knew he was tragically underchallenged. So for an axample of what I’m gonna do with the DC Universe I’ll unveil one of his rouges. Take Volcana for example. A humorusly interesting villain with pyro-kinesis. Against Superman? He’s invulnerable. Here’s what I’m gonna do. Now while my Superman is considerably less powerful than the main stream one, fire is still not that damaging. So I had to get creative. So instead of being some government lab rat…she’s gonna be a cult’s ritual sacrfice and she will become the elemental personification of volcanos. Thus, keeping her with the fire/heat based abilities while also giving her power a magical edge that can slice past Superman’s sheer durability. What do you guys think?

  5. Marquison 13 Jan 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Aww dude that’s nice Too bad spiderman is marvel I’d have liked to see what you could do with him. But then again he’s a good example of what characters should be like

  6. Wolfdude131on 13 Jan 2012 at 4:22 pm

    I think it should be HawkWOMAN not Hawkgirl, she isnt playing with dolls, she is a soldier.

    Aslo, i’d like to see what you could do with other DC heroes, Booster Gold being one of my favorites (actually one of the only DC heroes that doesnt make me groan)

  7. Comicbookguy117on 13 Jan 2012 at 6:13 pm

    I’ve actually been thinking about changing her name to Hawkwoman. And as for other heroes, I’ve got numerous ideas on what to do with them. I could wax poetic on the changes I’m making to the DCU. It’s about to get fun.

  8. B. McKenzieon 13 Jan 2012 at 9:34 pm

    “I think it should be HawkWOMAN, not Hawkgirl. She isn’t playing with dolls–she is a soldier.” I’m generally not a huge fan of [Modifier] Man/Woman/Girl/Boy. It suggests that the character’s age and/or gender is a signature trait–if so, the character is probably not developed enough to be interesting. If Hawkgirl’s being a warrior matters more than her being a woman, I think something martial would work better than either Hawkgirl or Hawkwoman.

  9. Comicbookguy117on 14 Jan 2012 at 9:00 am

    What do you mean?

  10. Comicbookguy117on 14 Jan 2012 at 9:02 am

    And what do you guys think about the origin of Shayera Hol. I thought about it a lot and there are two really big connections to the DCU in her origin. See if you can guess what they are. *evil chuckle*

  11. Comicbookguy117on 15 Jan 2012 at 10:01 pm

    Got more info oming soon guys. I’m looking forawrd to the reactions. I just glad you guys seem to like what I’ve got upso far. That’s a weight lifted, you know?

  12. Marquison 16 Jan 2012 at 10:33 am

    Lol it’s really good stuff

  13. Comicbookguy117on 17 Jan 2012 at 9:08 pm

    Alight guys I’m gonna level you with you. I am heading for full-crisis, nuclear meltdown mode and am in desperate need of advice/help. The problem also happens to be my strength when it comes to my stories. See I am a character creator, designer, developer; whatever you want to call it that’s what I am. I’m not particuliarally good at crafting a story, but am getting better. So a problem that has ALWAYS plauged me is that I can create characters that I fall in love with, but can’t seem to stop. I’ll see something or listen to a song and just add another one or two characters. Now I’m facing a over population of my own universe as well as overwhelming ideas for the Ultimate DCU. I need help but am unsure of what to ask of people. I mean, if I can’t help myself with this problem, how can I expect others to help. I only post this because I know we are all like minded. And someone else may be having a similar problem. So this may end up helping more than me. I don’t know if a solution even exists than to just stop making characters. An option I thought of is to become something of a character auctioner, this way I can excercise my creativity and, perhaps, make a little money. I’m just reaching the end of my rope and don’t know what to do. So if anyone can offer any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

  14. Marquison 17 Jan 2012 at 9:42 pm

    Aww man this used to happen to me only the other way around in fact I posted about it on this very site. What I suggest doing is simply work on creating a better universe for your characters.Truthfully I don’t know how this is suppose to help but it helped me. I could. Always come up with great ideas so many I wasn’t sure what to write about. If I wrote something I’d just start a new story that I felt was. Better. So maybe if you can come up with better enviornments for your chacacters you’ll kno exactly where to place them all. Also try to pick your favorites.use them and store the rest somewhere this way when youre ready u can use them Dnt know if this helped

  15. Comicbookguy117on 17 Jan 2012 at 10:09 pm

    It did Marquis. Thanks. I mean i’m still freaking out a little. But I just worked on something that I think will help. May I e-mail it you and B.Mac, with the appropriate information, to see what you guys think?

  16. B. Macon 17 Jan 2012 at 10:37 pm

    Sure. (By the way, you never have to ask). Don’t freak out, though. I think that, with practice, you should be able to get a feel for a happy medium where the side characters are interesting/lively but the story doesn’t spend so much time on them that the overall plot and main characters suffer. Two authors that I think are spectacularly good at that are Terry Pratchett and J.K. Rowling–notably, I think Neville Longbottom’s role (and his transformation from hapless coward to bona fide badass) makes Harry Potter’s journey that much more interesting. In the world of superheroes, I’d recommend looking at Invincible, Wild Cards and maybe Watchmen. I think they introduced superhero worlds in a mostly effective and efficient way.

  17. Marquison 18 Jan 2012 at 7:51 am

    Ya sure dude go for it

  18. Comicbookguy117on 18 Jan 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Alright, well what I’d like to send you to is not quite done yet. As for the rest of you, I think I’ll start posting information on some of the revamp DC villains soon.

  19. Comicbookguy117on 19 Jan 2012 at 5:40 am

    Promise kept, lol.

    Let’s take a look at the Batman villain Scarecrow. Now, I like him and he is my brother’s favorite Batman villain. So I felt pressured to take a really good look at two things: (1) what hasn’t been done with the character before, and (2) what did I want to do with the character. And I came to the conclusion that instead of simply studying the effects of fear that he would worship fear as some kind of holy emotion. He causes fear as a way of spreading his gospel. He sees a kindred spirit in Batman who, just like him, uses his own phobia as a weapon and a coping mechanism. He becomes frustratingly furious when Batman tries to stop him because he sees it as some kind of betrayal. So what do you guys think?

  20. Hobbeson 19 Jan 2012 at 9:35 am

    Hello Comic book guy the name is Hobbes. Ive been on your forum before and I think your character creation skills are nothing short of what a true writer should be like. In the future I may need some assistance with my characters , would it be alright if I asked you to help?

  21. Comicbookguy117on 19 Jan 2012 at 9:45 am

    Of course! I’d be happy to help. Creating and developing characters is what I’m good at. So whenever you need help, just let me know ok? To that end, would you prefer to discuss your characters over this website or through e-mail?

  22. Hobbeson 19 Jan 2012 at 10:40 am

    Well my email is a junkyard because I never manage it. The site is fine I guess. Thanks!

  23. Comicbookguy117on 19 Jan 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Ok, cool. Just let me know when you need help and I’ll see what I can do ok? I’ll definately try and help if I can.

  24. Comicbookguy117on 20 Jan 2012 at 8:08 am

    Ok guys I’ve got a concern that has bothered me for years. The situation with Themyscira. An advanced society with the desire to continue cannt exists with only one gender, right? I was told things, “It’s part of the story.” and “Well they’re magic.” But it never made sense to me. If anyone understands the situation, can you explain it to me.

    Regardless, I’m handling the mysterious, mystically concealed island of Themyscira my own way. This includes an idea that may or not go over well. The idea is that while there is a race of people that inhabit the island….it consists of bothe women and men. The women are called Amazons and the men are called Spartans. I realize that Spartans are of a differnt ethnicity/nationality but I felt like I had to think of a way to put men on the island for the sake of continuing the species. I do not want to offend women by saying that there HAS to be men on the island for it to make sense or run smoother. That’s not what I’m saying. Both are warriors and train, fight and die equally on the battlefield. Love is approached by there society as a free expression. They have an autocratic society that is rulled by Queen Hippolyta. So what do you guys think?

  25. Comicbookguy117on 21 Jan 2012 at 12:02 pm

    “And what do you guys think about the origin of Shayera Hol. I thought about it a lot and there’s a connection to a powerful DCU supervillain in her origin. See if you can guess who it is.”

    Seriously? No one’s got any guesses?

  26. B. McKenzieon 21 Jan 2012 at 2:03 pm

    “The situation with Themyscira. An advanced society with the desire to continue cannot exist with only one gender, right? I was told things, ‘It’s part of the story.’ and ‘Well they’re magic.'” If we’re not dealing with humans, it could be asexual reproduction. I think the rationale for having Themyscira is to have a place that women control (for, umm, gender commentary, I think). I think that adding in men as equals would take away one of the things that makes it unique.

    (That said, I’m not the target audience for Wonder Woman stories and frankly find her stories sort of tedious and insufferable–I prefer modern or sci-fi settings much more than quasi-ancient ones).

  27. Comicbookguy117on 21 Jan 2012 at 2:31 pm

    “I think that adding in men as equals would take away one of the things that makes it unique.”

    I never said that the men I’ve added to Themyscira would be equals. Frankly, there not. They are there to defend the homestead and to continue the species. The political power and all other power belongs to the daughters of Themyscira. While I wanted to add men for reproductive purposes, I did want to keep the image of Themyscira alive and well.

  28. Comicbookguy117on 26 Jan 2012 at 7:13 am

    Hey guys, not much happening around here what’s up?

    I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m still working on the Ultimate DCU and am giving as much thought to the little villains, Shadow Thief, as to the big villains, Braniac. For example, I’m currently working on an idea for The Hive. This is an ‘underground’ academy where they identify, recruit and train young delinquents into professional criminals. The introductory group consists of Jinx, the tactical leader, Gizmo, the brainy gadgeteer and Mammoth, the street-smart muscle.

    Now this version of Jinx will combine the powers of the animated Jinx and the appearance of the Jinx from the comics, with a lot of dark sorcery to explain and accent both of the above. She is the leader because she is capable of the critical thinking required to defeat opponents as skilled as the Titans. She keeps Mammoth from going berserk and keeps Gizmo focused on the battle. She incorporates her years of dancing into her fighting style and can be quite mesmerizing when she’s not trying to kill you.

    My version of Mammoth comes from a broken, greedy and desperate family. So when he displayed the slightest degree of super strength, his parents took him to a mad scientist who experimented on the boy and managed to increase his strength ten-fold. His part than took him to a sideshow where people paid to gawk at his feats of strength. He began to distance himself from people. He continued this miserable existence until, after a fight with his parent, he ran away. He was discovered by The Hive when Roulette told them about his appearance in her Meta-Brawl promotion. His appearance will be largely unchanged from the comic and animated version.

    Gizmo is the youngest of the team, but is by no means any less useful. He can solve virtually any problem if given enough time and resources. The biggest challenge I had with him was how to make him effective in battle. Because you can’t build weapons the traditional way during combat. The backpack he had in the animated show was cool, but it wasn’t perfect. See he could only do a handful of things with that backpack and eventually his enemies would learn all his little tricks. So I thought about he could be a credible threat while allowing him to remain somewhat mobile and still utilize tons of technology. Then it hit me, his backpack generates nanites that can be shaped into whatever he tells them to build. This allows for conventional weapons like handguns, special equipment like kryptonite bullets and advanced tools like a multi-frequency safe-cracker. But behind all this, he has…issues. His past is a mystery but what he endured assured that he would never have a normal relationship again. He experiences emotional extremes. This means he tends to obsessively cling to anyone that shows him kindness and violently murder anyone he perceives to be an enemy. Because of this, he will become absolutely terrified if perceived his leader is defeated.

  29. Comicbookguy117on 01 Feb 2012 at 5:45 am

    Hey guys, have I offended anyone? I mean I surely didn’t mean to if I did. This is a reveiw forum and I would like input on the ideas I creating to see if they are good enough to pursue and write. B.Mac, if I have done something to offend someone, how can I make amends?

    There will be more conecptual ideas in the future ok guys?

  30. B. McKenzieon 01 Feb 2012 at 10:45 am

    “Hey guys, have I offended anyone?” No.

    It might help to get to story pages rather than covering the concept.

  31. Danion 01 Feb 2012 at 3:35 pm

    I have a question: is this canon for DC? Or what? I am not sure and this was probably covered somewhere else on the site. I have been reading just I am horrible at knowing beyond Batman in the DC world. As far as character development, you seem good to go.

  32. Comicbookguy117on 01 Feb 2012 at 3:51 pm

    No this is not canon. This is simply a hobby of mine. A story I’d like to see written for strictly entertainment purposes. Not for profit. So Dani, as someone who is not as well versed in other characters from DC I have a question. Aside from Batman, who among the characters I have described interests you the most and why? All the information I gather will help make the finished project better.

    And B.Mac, I’m sorry but I don’t think there will be any written pages. At least not by me. See, I’m creating my own comic book universe. This has been a passion of my since I was a little kid and I’ve been developing it all those years. The ideas I’m having for an ultimate DCU are just for fun mostly. I really only want to see what fans would think of a more realistic, less ‘god-among-men’ DCU. Now if I can find someone who is interested enough to write it, that would be cool. But that person would have to be willing to take my word as final. But of course I’d be more than willing to listen to their opinion as well. I’d delight in that, in fact.

    Superhero fiction is my one true passion in life. Some of the greatest memories I have are when my brother and friends and discussing superhero topics such as ‘who would win in this fight’ or even breaking down the ins-and-outs of various superpowers. So to sum up, I’m glad your interested Dani. Only conceptual ideas will be posted. And if anyone needs any help with anything, just ask.

  33. Danion 02 Feb 2012 at 9:51 pm

    I like Manhunter the most. In particular, I see him as having the most potential for some interesting backstory and growth. Wonder Women using magic is also interesting. I think that would be a good twist on the character and bring her more into the popular realm if that makes sense.

  34. Comicbookguy117on 02 Feb 2012 at 10:04 pm

    It does. And thank you. I’ll post more on their villains soon. I’ve been busy as of late battling both writer’s block and a cold. But i’ll get back to work here soon.

  35. Comicbookguy117on 12 Feb 2012 at 9:03 pm

    Hey guys. I’ve run into a bit of a rut/problm that plauged me for a while. I seem to be perpetually stuck in this ‘developemnt limbo’ with ALL my projects. I’m just wondering if any one can offer any advice on getting past the development process and into the writing process. Another reason this transition has been a problem is that I’m terrified to start writing. I’ve never really put anything out there and so all I can do for myself is create ideas that people really seem to like. But I cannot bring myself to actually start writing because I’m afraid it’ll fall apart. This is the reason I’ve not posted any pages from my Ultimate Justice League story. There aren’t any.

    I know that the major parts of this problem are nerves and confidence. I want to know if there is more to it than that. Has anyone gone through a similar situation and come out of it? Any advice anyone can give me will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  36. B. McKenzieon 12 Feb 2012 at 10:55 pm

    –I’d recommend checking out It’s Okay If Your First Draft Sucks–it sounds to me like you’re afraid of writing a bad first draft, and I’ll assure you right now that EVERYBODY writes a bad first draft, which is okay because real quality emerges in the rewriting process.

    –You may have an additional source of anxiety because you’re working with somebody else’s material. You might be afraid of writing something because you’ll compare your first draft to canonical stories that are invariably better-polished. I’d recommend not comparing your work to stories that have been well-polished by a lengthy editing process because it’s an unfair comparison that will shut you down before you get anywhere.

    I’d recommend writing at least a page a day, in sequence if at all possible. One $10 program that can help is Write or Die. Give yourself 30 minutes to write 300 words. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to write a first draft of a page. No, the draft won’t be great, and you may not want to share it yet. If you can do a page in sequence each day, you’ll have a draft of a 22-page comic book’s script within ~3 weeks. Then you can start rewriting pages so that the dialogue is sharper, the transitions between scenes are smoother, maybe fill some unmet need by adding a scene, maybe save space by removing a scene that’s not as useful as it first seemed, make the action more interesting, etc. If you are absolutely stuck, you can show it to other people and ask for help about where to go from the point you’re stuck at, but I’d recommend holding off on that as long as possible because getting reviews too early might discourage you from finishing the project.

    *If $10 is a deal-breaker, you could just set a timer and use Microsoft Word to keep track of your word-count. There are a few extra elements to Write or Die that I find helpful, but that’s the core of it.

    –“Has anyone gone through a similar situation and come out of it? Any advice anyone can give me will be greatly appreciated.” I’m not out of it yet, but I think I’m substantially ahead of where I was before. (You can see version 1.3 of the first issue of The Taxman Must Die here–it’s still rough around the edges, but I think it’s getting better).

  37. Comicbookguy117on 13 Feb 2012 at 6:28 am

    As always, thanks B.Mac. You are very helpful and I appreciate it. I’ll take everything under consideration and see what I can do. I just find it frustrating that people tell me my ideas are good yet I can’t get them on paper.

  38. B. McKenzieon 13 Feb 2012 at 2:28 pm

    You might also enjoy the interview I did with Rapid City. In particular:

    RAPID CITY: What’s the most demoralizing part about writing for you? Harsh reviews?

    B. MAC:

    Hmm. Some authors have a tough time dealing with tough reviews, but I find it relatively easy.

    It’s impossible to write something that will please everybody, so you will have tough reviews. Some of them will help you identify potential improvements in your work.

    Some of the people not pleased by your work are, for reasons beyond your control, unfriendly and insulting. I wouldn’t worry too much about them because they’re so rarely instructive or helpful.

    Especially if you’re a young or relatively inexperienced author, I wouldn’t get discouraged by negative feedback because getting good at anything takes practice. Keep writing and it will get better.

    Counterintuitively, I find it a lot harder to deal with really positive feedback. I feel like “I loved this–when’s it coming out?” puts a lot more pressure on me than “This is awful–go die in a fire.” I have no idea when it’s coming out and it’s harder to let down a fan than a troll. (Also, I feel like the compliments remind me more of how far away I am from being published).

  39. Comicbookguy117on 22 Feb 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Hey guys. I’ve got to be honest about something. I have some original I’d like some input on and haven’t put it up here because I’m worried. I’m scared of my ideas being ripped off. See I’ve heard ‘horror stories’ about people ideas getting stolen and don’t want that to happen to me. So I’ve refrained from putting up my original stuff anywhere on the internet.

    However, I feel welcomed and appreciated on this site. So if it’s ok with you guys I’d like to share the very first piece of material from my personal comic book universe that I’ve been developing for years. It is a script for the first issue of my first superhero. Off the bat I’ll say, I know it won’t be perfect or professional, being that it is my first attempt. I put a lot of work into it and am looking forward to your feedback. THat said, I’d like you guys to be honest. Ok?

  40. Comicbookguy117on 22 Feb 2012 at 5:37 pm

    I apologize if it is difficult to read, the site messed with the format for some reason. If you guys have any questions, comments or concerns let me know.

    FORCE ISSUE 1

    By Christopher Personette

    PAGE 1

    Panel 1

    A cordless telephone base is seen. The phone is out of the charger. The caller I.D. reads, ‘Mom’. The room is full of hand-me-down furniture.

    ELLIOT
    I know, Mom…

    Panel 2

    We see a close-up of Elliot’s torso with the focus on the engagement ring dangling around his neck. His left hand caresses the ring gently.

    ELLIOT
    …I miss her too.

    Panel 3

    Elliot, a 20-something guy, is standing in his apartment. He’s wearing nothing but dress pants and socks—his morning routine has been interrupted by the call. He’s looking out the sliding glass door to the balcony. Outside he sees a typical city morning.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    What was it this time?

    ELLIOT
    I don’t know. She just didn’t…fit.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    What the hell does that mean?

    ELLIOT
    We had something great. But I always had emergency consultations you see. My paitents need me.

    PAGE 2

    Panel 1

    Elliot is now seated on the end cushion of the couch. He holds the phone to his right ear with his shoulder as he puts on a pair of loafer’s. Behind him a small kitchen can be seen. There are dishes in the sink. Some of his wall-mounted cabinets can be seen as well.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    Honey, she made you smile. Prisons or asylums will never do that.

    ELLIOT
    I’m making a difference, Mom. Like with Justin Berret. This is what I spent all those years studying.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    I know. We’re still paying off the loans.

    Panel 2

    Elliot is now walking down a narrow hallway to the left of the kitchen. An open door to his right leads to the bathroom. While the door to his left leads to his bedroom. A few pictures of his family are hung on the right side of the hallway. The phone is now against his left ear as his right arm was getting a bit tired.

    ELLIOT
    Do you need money? I can spare some.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    No, no. We’ll be fine over here.

    Panel 3

    The bedroom isn’t as well kept as the rest of the apartment.

    ELLIOT
    I really don’t mind helping you out after everything you and Dad have done for me and Brian. I want to give back.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    Forget it. It’s not like we’re about to start robbing banks. Though another one did just get hit the other day.

    ELLIOT
    Was it the same M.O.? Did the perpetrators act in broad daylight like before?

    Panel 4

    After putting on a shirt he got from the pile of clothes on the floor, Elliot puts the phone back to his left ear. The shirt he chose was a simple light green button-up. He is sitting on the corner of the bed. In the distance is his closed closet door.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    Yes they did. I wonder how they keep getting away.

    ELLIOT
    Did anyone get hurt? The police kept their distance this time, right?

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    You can’t ask a cop not to protect and serve. Where would you be if you weren’t trying to better mankind?

    PAGE 3

    Panel 1

    In response to this question, Elliot looks at the picture on the top of the bookshelf. It depicts him and a lovely African-American woman in a tender embrace. They were at the beach that day. Evidenced by the ocean and beautiful skyline behind them.

    ELLIOT
    Getting spoiled.

    Panel 2

    Elliot stood in his room, facing the doorway that led into the hall. The phone is now against his right ear. After putting his wallet in his back pocket, his left arm reaches for his car keys on the bookshelf.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    After all the time you’ve spent shrinking those crazies, don’t you think you deserve something?

    ELLIOT
    I don’t do it for a reward. Society has given up on these people.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    Alright, alright. I don’t wanna get you started. Just be careful, ok?

    Panel 3

    Now heading for the front door, Elliot stops in his living room. We peak over his shoulder as he looks at his wrist watch, which tells him its 7:34 AM.

    ELLIOT
    Ok mom. Bye.

    MOM (O.P.-telephone)
    Bye Elliot. Go save the world.

    PAGE 4

    Panel 1

    Elliot walk to a coatrack by the front and grabbed a manila folder from inside the jacket.

    Panel 2

    The front door to his apartment was located directly across from the sliding glass back door. The folder contained the photo and information of his latest case; a case that he’d been working on for a week now. We are looking over his shoulder at the opened folder. The man in the photo looks distant and callous. The top of the photo has two small ‘X’s’ on it.

    ELLIOT
    Third time’s the charm, Jonathon.

    PAGE 5

    Panel 1

    Elliot exits his apartment, now wearing his leather coat, and heads for his truck downstairs. He lives on the second floor. We see a couple of other residents. None of whom Elliot really knows, his work isn’t the kind of stuff you can talk about at a social gathering.

    Panel 2

    He proceeds to pull out of the parking lot.

    PAGE 6

    Panel 1

    Elliot has parked and exited his truck. He is standing beside it looking up at the heavy iron gate with the big sign that reads ‘Jade Hill Penitentiary’. The building is surprisingly well-kept and tended.

    Panel 2

    We get a slight close-up of Elliot’s face from the right side and see his eyes closed tightly. More of the city could be seen in the background.

    ELLIOT (thought)
    Don’t be scared, Elliot…

    Panel 3

    We see the same scene as above but Elliot has opened his eyes and has a determined gaze.

    ELLIOT (thought)
    …not in front of these men.

    Panel 4

    Elliot walks toward a metal door that’s flanked by two security guards, Donnie and Pete, who are easily twice his size.

    PAGE 7

    Panel 1

    We are looking over Elliot’s right shoulder as he reaches for the door handle. Most of the torso of the guard to his right can be seen.

    ELLIOT
    Good morning, gentlemen.

    Panel 2

    We see the same scene as above except the right arm of the security guard now blocks the door. Elliot has taken his hand away from the handle.

    PETE
    You know you’re wasting your time with that freak Kroger right?

    DONNIE
    Animals like that don’t change.

    PETE
    If it were up to me, they’d all be put down.

    Panel 3

    Still over his shoulder we see that Elliot has taken a few steps back while the guards now stand completely blocking the door.

    ELLIOT
    Men like Jonathon need understanding, not persecution.

    PETE
    You’ve been here three times in a week. How much understanding does he need?

    Panel 4

    The view is set behind Elliot’s shoulder, giving the impression of him being looked down on physically and metaphorically by the guards. The front door swung inward revealing a smaller, yet still well-toned, guard, CALVIN MINHG.

    SMALL GUARD
    Dr. Molina please follow me.

    Panel 5

    Elliot entered the building. Calvin steps back outside for a moment.

    CALVIN
    If you scare off another psychiatrist, the warden will take the next one’s signing bonus out of your asses.

    PAGE 8

    Panel 1

    The inside of the prison is clearly not as well kept as the outside. Elliot holds the manila folder with Jonathon’s information as he is led through the reception area by his escort. Others can be seen handling whatever business they have.

    CALVIN
    Warden Robins has charged me with aiding you in any way you need. My name is Calvin.

    ELLIOT
    In any way? What’s your impression of Jonathon Kroger? As a sociopath, he may act differently around other people.

    Panel 2

    We are in a hallway with a side view of the two free men. Small-time prisoners can be seen in their cells. Most of them ignore the two men. But others call out with obscenities.

    PRISONER #1
    Hey there pretty boy!

    PRISONER # 2
    Fucking shrink! I’ll kill you!

    CALVIN
    He’s distant at best. It’s almost like he’s not interested in anything that’s going on. He’s not even concerned about dying.

    Panel 3

    The end of the hallway is reached and Calvin is ready to move through the large metal door. Elliot however has looked back at the prisoners with a pensive glare.

    CALVIN
    Just ignore them Doctor. You’re only here for Jonathon.

    ELLIOT
    They act out of fear for the most part. No one likes to be caged like an animal.

    PAGE 9

    Panel 1

    We see the same scene as above but Elliot has turned his gaze to the ground in thoughtful frustration.

    ELLIOT
    Don’t bring Jonathon to my office in chains again. He wouldn’t talk to me.

    Panel 2

    The men are now in the part of the prison that leads to the back parts of the facility. ‘Solitary Confinement’, ‘Courtyard’ and ‘Showers’ are written on the wall in different colors with arrows indicating their directions. A large guard was waiting for the two men.

    CALVIN
    Damon? What are you doing here, you’re off today.

    DAMON
    Robins’ orders. Extra support, you know?

    CALVIN
    She doesn’t think I can handle Jonathon? I know there’ve been incidents, but he’s just one guy.

    Panel 3

    The men have started to walk toward the courtyard, when the PA system cuts on.

    WARDEN (O.P.-intercom)
    Gentlemen, Jonathon has been moved to the upstairs balcony. Take Dr. Molina there.

    ELLIOT
    Thank you for moving him.

    WARDEN (O.P.-intercom)
    We don’t normally compromise with prisoners, but we all have a job to do.

    PAGE 10

    Panel 1

    The trio walks down the hall to the courtyard.

    ELLIOT
    It’s nice to see you again. How are you healing?

    DAMON
    It was nothing, man. He just stabbed me in the arm. Nothing vital there.

    CALVIN
    It shouldn’t have happened! I still don’t know how Kroger started that riot. But if he moves while we’re in there I’m taking him down!

    Panel 2

    We see, over Elliot’s right shoulder, the large metal door that leads to the upstairs balcony. Damon is to his right and flipping through Jonathon’s folder. Calvin is to his left and is looking at Elliot sternly.

    CALVIN
    As a civilian, you are our responsibility. So if we say run, you run, got it?

    ELLIOT
    Yes. You’ll be near me at all times?

    DAMON
    Don’t be scared man, he feeds on that shit.

    PAGE 11

    Panel 1

    The trio headed up the stairs and is now a door away from Jonathon. Elliot stops.

    DAMON
    What is it?

    ELLIOT
    I’m gonna need you to come with me. But Calvin, could you stay in here?

    CALVIN
    You’re joking rig…

    Panel 2

    Damon looked at Calvin sternly.

    DAMON
    Last thing we need is for you to lose your temper again.

    CALVIN
    Fine, just be careful. Both of you.

    Panel 3

    We see a close-up of Elliot’s hand as he swings the door open.

    JONATHON (O.P.-inside the room)
    Ah, Elliot, so nice to see you again.

    PAGE 12

    Panel 1

    Jonathon Kroger stood with his hands cuffed, which were attached to a bar on the ceiling allowing him to walk around. He was almost surprisingly clean and well groomed. His expression was, even for Elliot, hard to read. Among other emotions it depicted confidence and anger with a hint of apathy.

    PAGE 13

    Panel 1

    Elliot walked up to Jonathon and shook his hand.

    JONATHON
    Now let’s get started.

    ELLIOT
    You’re eager to talk? That’s good.

    Panel 2

    Jonathon glared at Damon, but Elliot could tell that he would’ve glared at any guard that was standing there.

    JONATHON
    After the recent, unpleasantness, of our last visit, I feel we have some catching up to do.

    ELLIOT
    I must apologize for that.

    JONATHON
    Please, you didn’t chain me like a dog.

    Panel 3

    Elliot and Jonathon had begun walking around. The chain that held Jonathon was attached to a circular metal contraption designed to keep him from escaping while allowing him to traverse the room. This room was called ‘the balcony’ because it had a barred-window overlooking the courtyard.

    ELLIOT
    You must understand why that was necessary.

    JONATHON
    Oh right. I’m dangerous.

    ELLIOT
    Why the sarcasm? You don’t think taking twelve lives is worth incarceration?

    PAGE 14

    Panel 1

    Elliot has his hands held together behind his back. Jonathon gazes at the ground as he walks.

    JONATHON
    There are those that are helping to cure overpopulation.

    ELLIOT
    Do you believe that?

    Panel 2

    Jonathon is pointing at Damon. All three men look tense. Each with their own reason.

    JONATHON
    As far as they know.

    ELLIOT
    Just forget he’s here. He’s only here to…

    JONATHON
    …make sure I don’t hurt you? Don’t be stupid! I’d never hurt you.

    Panel 3

    Elliot looked genuinely surprised by this comment. Which earned a smirk from Jonathon.

    JONATHON
    You’re the only one who has been even remotely interested in my crimes.

    ELLIOT
    I have to be. It’s my job to know why you did what you did.

    JONATHON
    Really? Tell me than, what have you learned about me?

    PAGE 15

    Panel 1

    Elliot sat on one of the benches while Jonathon continued walking.

    ELLIOT
    I’m not here to talk. You are. So tell me, did you know your victims?

    JONATHON
    Of course! It adds to the intimacy of the kill if they know you. They wonder why I betrayed them while the life drains from their bodies. Family makes the best victims.

    ELLIOT
    You’re referring to your parents?

    Panel 2

    Jonathon looked at Elliot, now mixed with the anger and apathy was the smallest hint of amusement.

    JONATHON
    They raised me to follow through on my endeavors. Probably regretting that now.

    ELLIOT
    What about your younger brother? Taylor?

    Panel 3

    The view is pulled back a little from the above. We can still see his face, but we can also see most of Jonathon’s body. Jonathon’s expression dropped. No emotion could be discerned. His body tensed up as if going through the fight-or-flight response.

    JONATHON
    He’s irrelevant.

    ELLIOT
    Why not? You’ve been forthcoming about everything else. What happened? What did you do to Taylor?

    Panel 4

    Jonathon ran towards Elliot, earning the same response from Damon.

    PAGE 16

    Panel 1

    The chains the held Jonathon snapped back. Keeping Elliot just out of reach of Jonathon. His expression filled with depressed rage. Damon had positioned himself in front of Elliot, who was cowering behind him.

    JONATHON
    Don’t say it! Don’t fucking say his name again!

    Panel 2

    Damon turned and helped Elliot to the bench. Jonathon had walked to the other side of the room.

    DAMON
    You wanna call it a day?

    ELLIOT
    I’m fine. Don’t go too far ok?

    JONATHON
    I said I’m not talking about him. Got it?

    Panel 3

    The entire room is in view and we can see Jonathon near the far wall, Damon standing near the window and Elliot still on the bench.

    ELLIOT
    Very well. I apologize Jonathon. Let me ask this, though; do you feel anything for your victims? And what about their families?

    JONATHON
    Oh yes. I feel bad for taking their lives! I feel bad that their poor little families have to carry on without them! I’m so sorry!

    ELLIOT
    Again with the sarcasm? Does that help in some way?

    PAGE 17

    Panel 1

    The view is close on Jonathon. Enough to see his body language has once again relaxed. He’s looking at Elliot with that same mixture of confidence, anger and apathy.

    JONATHON
    Nothing I tell you will make them release me. It won’t bring back the dead. It can’t help their loved ones cope. And it certainly won’t make me feel better. So I’m done. Your attempt at rehabilitation has gone on long enough.

    Panel 2

    The view is a few yards from the side of Elliot. He had gathered up the documents and the manila folder. He was standing with Damon and the window behind him. Damon was staring intently out the window. Elliot’s expression was one of sorrowful frustration.

    ELLIOT
    Very well. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I wanted you to escape the death penalty.

    JONATHON
    I know you did. Don’t know why, but I know you did.

    DAMON
    So he’s finally arrived.

    Panel 3

    The view is behind Elliot and Damon. Elliot is looking out the window. Though Damon is now watching Jonathon. The entire window can be seen. In the upper left part of the window a helicopter can be seen.

    ELLIOT
    Who?

    DAMON
    New prisoner. We were told he was being brought to us. But I didn’t expect an air lift.

    PAGE 18

    Panel 1

    The view is now out in the courtyard where various prisoners take notice of the helicopter. This panel depicts three prisoners sitting on the escalating benches, like what you’d find in a school gymnasium. The larger two inmates are positioned on lower rungs than the one in the middle.

    Panel 2

    This panel shows the four inmates near the work out area. One of them is lifting weights while another spots him. The other two are performing chin-ups. Their expressions suggest that they may be trying to outdo the other. Of these inmates only the spotter has noticed the helicopter.

    Panel 3

    This panel is full of basketball playing inmates who have stopped the game, at least for a moment, to look at the approaching helicopter. At this point, it was slowing down.

    Panel 4

    The view is once again behind Elliot and Damon. Jonathon had walked over to take a look out of curiosity. The three men gazed at the helicopter, which was now hovering over the prison courtyard. The vehicle had no visible windows and it was all black. There was not even any landing gear or rear rotor. The only reason it was thought of as a helicopter was because of the set of four blades that twirled around the top.

    DAMON
    What is it doing?

    PAGE 19

    Panel 1

    Suddenly a sliding door opened revealing that the inside was just as black as the outside. Two people, dressed in what looked like full-body black SWAT attire can be seen. They brought some sort of large device to the edge of the door.

    Panel 2

    The view is behind the shoulders of the three men. The opened helicopter can be seen through the window. Elliot, Jonathon and Damon watched intently.

    Panel 3

    Down in the courtyard, all the prisoners watch and wait for whatever is about to happen.

    Panel 4

    The two kick the device out of the helicopter and close the door.

    PAGE 20

    Panel 1

    The prisoners panic and try for the doors, which have to be unlocked by guards with the warden’s orders. The black helicopter begins flying away.

    Panel 2

    The helicopter is almost gone. The device hits the ground and begins to roll around. The prisoners, still on edge, slowly approach the device.

    Panel 3

    The device finds what it was looking for, the center of the courtyard and stands erect. It is a pinecone shaped device. With a larger circumference around the top that gets smaller as it goes to the bottom.

    Panel 4

    An inmate gets close enough to notice a small screen on top of the device. It depicts a countdown clock with only a few seconds left.

    PRISONER
    BOMB!

    PAGE 21

    Panel 1

    The device explodes in a shower of brilliant blue energy. The skin of the prisoner closest to it bubbled into a mass of slightly furry, blue lumps.

    Panel 2

    An inmate a few yards away began getting covered in hard, thick quills.

    Panel 3

    One of the inmates by the workout area burst into flames while the other became covered in a thick amber-like substance.

    Panel 4

    The view is under the extended hand of the inmate that was flanked by to others. His expression is of pained shock as he watches the skin on his hand melt, leaving behind some sort of opaque, black material.

    PAGE 21

    Panel 1

    The trio up in the balcony are thrown back by the pressure wave. The blue energy begins to seep into the room and washes over their bodies. They of course try to escape it.

    ELLIOT
    No! No! No! No!

    Panel 2

    Elliot wraps his hands around his head and screams. Damon clutches his chest and writhes in pain.

    ELLIOT
    Stop! Whatever this is stop it!

    DAMON
    Gahhh!

    Panel 3

    Jonathon was convulsing as if he was being shocked. Suddenly visible electricity erupted from his body. Luckily he was far enough as to not shock Elliot or Damon.

    JONATHON
    Ahhhhh!

    Panel 4

    As quickly as it all happened, everything stopped. The three men began slowly picking themselves up off the floor. Jonathon propped himself against the far wall. Damon helped Elliot get to his feet.

    JONATHON
    Any idea what that was?

    DAMON
    No clue. But I gotta check on the Warden.

    ELLIOT
    I think it’s too late for that.

    PAGE 22

    Panel 1

    The view is behind the three men peering over their shoulders out the broken window at the courtyard that was now full of hideous monstrosities.

  41. B. McKenzieon 22 Feb 2012 at 6:02 pm

    I’m looking forward to it. Alternately, you could ask prospective reviewers to give you an email address and then just handle everything through email.

  42. Danion 27 Feb 2012 at 10:07 am

    I saw you posted on the other thread about feedback. I only managed to read about half of it so far – getting bogged down with stuff. I’ll give you some feedback before the end of the week though.

  43. Comicbookguy117on 27 Feb 2012 at 10:48 am

    Ok, cool. Thank you very much.

  44. Comicbookguy117on 10 Mar 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Alright. What’s the problem guys? Why has no one said anything about my script? Is it that bad? I asked you guys to be honest. Please take some time and read/review it. How can I better if I don’t get any feedback?

  45. M. Happenstanceon 10 Mar 2012 at 7:23 pm

    On the writing:
    – First, your panel description could use some work. At present, I’m unsure that an artist would be able to work off of this script without added input from you.
    – Your dialogue could stand to be more distinctive. If it weren’t for the characters’ names appearing before they speak, I think that I’d get them mixed up.
    – Please check your grammar and spelling before posting. Though you’re better off in this area than most, there are still some fairly obvious mistakes: missing commas, typoes, and other small grammatical errors which interrupt the flow of the piece.

    On the story:
    – Though we’ve spent an entire issue with him, I don’t feel particularly attached to Elliot. There are some aspects of his character which I find appealing (I initially assumed he was serving as a psychiatrist to imprisoned supervillains, and was partially correct), but as a whole I can’t really connect with him based on what we’re given.
    – As with Elliot, there are also some traits I find interesting about Jonathon (most notably his sarcastic disregard for human life) but right now I don’t feel he’s distinctive enough. Also, I’m sensing that you’re trying to set up a mass murderer as a main character: tread carefully.
    – When it comes to the guards, I’m drawing a blank. They’ve already started to blur together in my head – differentiating their personalities would be a major plus.
    – I’m unsure of what type of universe this is set in. I’m getting the impression that superheroes and supervillains are ingrained into society here, but I can’t be sure. (In truth, I was rather disappointed when my conjecture about Elliot psychoanalyzing supervillains as opposed to “normal” criminals was incorrect.)
    – Finally, I’m not sure where you’re planning to go with the plot. This is the first issue – you need to hook your readers right from the start. As-is, if I’d seen Force in a bookstore, I’d probably have put it down after this. It’s not bad, it just needs to be better. There’s a lot of comic books out there, and you need to make an impact.

    I get the feeling that you’re new to writing comic book scripts. I suggest looking around here for some tips – they’ve got scripts from some big-name authors in there, and I think that reading some published examples might help you hone your craft.

    One last word of advice: please don’t overreact when you don’t get reviewed as soon as you’d like. To put it in perspective, it takes ~40 minutes just to analyze a relatively short script like this, and that’s only a brief overview. Hardcore editing can take hours. To twist an old idiom, don’t bite the hand that reads you.

    I wish you luck.

  46. Comicbookguy117on 11 Mar 2012 at 7:42 am

    Thank you, I’ll consider everything you mentioned.

  47. Marquison 07 Apr 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Hey Chris!!! Sorry I’ve been away for so long. Anyways let’s get to the review

    Your script is for a comic book so I think more descriptive details for your characters could help.And a more interesting begining, when he’s talking to his mom it seems like wanna those points where I’d skip several pages in the comic. Also your panel angles are great! I could picture it all as I started reading, but then the details slowly started to stop.

    As for characters :

    Elliot: Just like Happenstance said I don’t think the reader feels all that much of an emotional understanding for Elliot. His character isn’t interesting at all. He simply seems like a non-factor to me just a psychiatrist. I think you should flesh him out a bit more. Write a couple of scenarios with him acting with different personalities to see which you like best and is most interesting.

    The Guards: Do we need to know anything about the guards I mean really? Unless they become more important, it seems like they’re too talkative and in the end they’ll just get slaughtered by the inmates.( Now superpowered of course )

    Jonathan: This was the character I was most interested in ( Maybe he should have been the main character ) His character seems much more developed than any of the others. I wanted to know why. Why he killed all those people his family.

    Overall: I felt like that last scene should have been sorta reworked to be the begining, why? Because I was blown away I was reading wondering when it was gonna get exciting then ” Bomb ” I was like hell yeah! Ha! More Character Development, and make sure you know what you plan on doing with the plot. I wanna read more!

  48. Comicbookguy117on 07 Apr 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Cool. Thanks a lot. Glad you liked it. I wanted his story to start off kinda slow though. Maybe that was a bad choice? Anyway more is coming soon, from Force and others that I’m currently developing. Each will have their own uniqe and exciting adventures. But for now a teaser…remember that inmate whose skin disolved revealing a blackned substance underneath? He will become a supervillain known as Canker.

  49. Comicbookguy117on 07 Apr 2012 at 6:21 pm

    “I felt like that last scene should have been sorta reworked to be the begining.” I can see what you’re saying and maybe I will rework the script. I’ve re-read it several times and can see how the conversation with his mother and the arrival at the prison is not really needed for the story I’m attempting to tell. So I will look into reworking the script. Thank you Marquis.

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