Dec 23 2011

Legolas Arrow’s Review Forum

Published by at 3:02 am under Review Forums

Legolas Arrow: “I’m working on a story about superheroes fighting a variety of villains trying to take over the world.  Among the villains, there are factions that plan to take out other factions when they take over the world, and then the last faction divides into factions, until it’s the ultimate power struggle between two supreme villains. In other words, if they manage to take control, it’s like The Hunger Games; alliances can only be temporary. The story might also have various side-plots, such as the story of Shadow Assassin or what happens when half the superheroes become convinced the other half is evil.  (That idea is pending).”

19 responses so far

19 Responses to “Legolas Arrow’s Review Forum”

  1. legolosarrowon 30 Dec 2011 at 8:45 am

    Prolouge~

    “I don’t know…What about the world’s military, not even to mention those pesky heroes?”

    “Toxin, we know your acid can kill very well. With you and Eel working together, the worlds military could be bested in a matter of weeks.”

    “What about that Ace fellow? Or the heroes?”

    “Ace’s ‘elite team’? The idea of them beating you is laughable. And the heroes? Its a rare ocasion when they kill. On top of that, they don’t have each other on thier speed dials. If we orgainzed a big enough attack and used it suddenly, the heroes would be too slow to respond, and in the end, some henchmen and low genrals will be dead, many kill be K.O’ed and we will rule.”

    “I guess I’ll do it. But I want to kill that FrenzyFire or who ever he was. He’s a pain.”

    “I guess it’s settled then. Now, to draw attention away from our sleves, I’ve constructed of system of all henchmen owrking together rather than under us, so that her heroes will be busy with them while we are plotting and scheming. Good to have you on the team Toxin.”

  2. Marquison 30 Dec 2011 at 11:16 am

    This story sounds like it could get really good, can’t wait to read the first chapter. Watch out for grammer errors.

  3. legolosarrowon 30 Dec 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Chapter 1~

    Sonicboom was jogging towards the sound of the alarms of a recently robbed bank. Well, at least what was jogging for him. He was going rougly one hundred miles per hour. He sped around buildings, ran up some.(It is actually possible[but, Im not 100% sure if he would have to be going a bit faster…]. Don’t belive me? Check the book called, ‘The Physics of Superheroes’) He was there in a few minutes. He scoped out the scene. Half a dozen thugs, nothing he couldnt handle. He quietly walked behind one, and tapped on his shoulder asked, “Hey buddy, whatcha doin?” in a playful voice.

    “Hey!” The crook whipped around, pointing his gun to where Sonicboom had previously been, but there was nothing. The other thugs had pulled there guns too, and were looking around. The bank was empty and there was no one there but them.

    “BANG! BANG!” Two shots came from one of the thugs pistols, as he fired at the glass door. Outside was Sonicboom, making faces. He sidestepped the speeding bullets easily, and let out a good natured laugh.

    “And so the hunt begins!” He cried. His body started to vibrate, going faster and faster. mesmerised by this, the crooks didn’t realize that in three seconds flat, one of thier commrades was hanging by his underwear on a street lamp.

    Slowly, they realized that the guy with the pistol was no longer there, and Sonicboom was no longer vibrating, and was looking at his wrist like he had a watch. One of the thugs pointed his shotgun, and fired. Sonicboom yawned and waved around the bullet he had caught. “Piece of advice,” he said, “if you even want a chance of shooting me, use somthing that doesnt have good stopping power, go for somthing rapid fire, like a machine gun.” With that, he searched his mind for a song. Laughing, he selected Bannana Phone. He suddenly began singing, and a Sonicboom knocked the crooks back, into the counter, knocking all but the one with the shotgun out. “Wanna forefit? Or shall I slowly make you by singing ‘Friday’, the worst song ever made, over and over?” The crook dropped his gun, and put his hands up in defeat. “Good boy.” Sonicboom said. “One more question, who are you working for, and where might I find your base?”

    “I am a member of the henchmen union, and we don’t have a base. It’s kind of like we henchmen just have a union.”The crook said.

    “Well, if that isn’t the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day, I will let you go free.” Sonicboom replied. Lucky it was the stupidest thing he’d heard all day.

    Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions(I ask for thoughts, comments & suggestions for both the prolouge, and the first chapter.)

  4. Anonymouson 01 Jan 2012 at 9:15 am

    Something worth thinking about is how do you want your reader to see Sonicboom? (I’m assuming he will be a main character since you are starting your first chapter with him, if I am mistaken I apologise.) I personally found him reckless (he draws gunfire towards a glass door, where it might hit civilians in the street), less than intelligent (he gives the criminals tips on how to better fight him in the future, including using weapons that are very likely to hit civilians), and overall quite immature and unprofessional. However, I get the feeling that he is meant to be quite young, so maybe this was the impression you wanted to give your readers?

  5. B. McKenzieon 01 Jan 2012 at 10:08 am

    Notes on the prologue:

    Is there any advantage to having your prologue as a prologue rather than just making it chapter 1? (Some readers tune out right away if they see a prologue).

    100% of this prologue is dialogue. I would recommend incorporating some body language, action, scenery/setting, usage of props and (where necessary) dialogue tags.

    Instead of just asking questions, it might be useful if the characters brought in past information to help develop characters and/or settings. For example, if I were writing a line about two villains discussing an operation that might attract the attention of one of my protagonists, I might write something like “What about Agent Orange?”/”He couldn’t find you unless you gave him GPS coordinates and step-by-step directions.” “I heard he ate Osama Bin Laden’s spleen—“ / “Any plan that involves Pakistani cooperation is like giving him GPS coordinates and directions.”

    “the world’s military could be bested…” Unless you’re writing a one-world government, I’d recommend “militaries” here.

    I would recommend proofreading more carefully.

    “I guess I’ll do it.” I’m not sure this sounds believable. He sounds SO uninterested. Why’s he putting himself into such a dangerous operation if he doesn’t really believe in it? Also, the pitch made to him was that if they band together, they can take over the world. He doesn’t sound like someone particularly interested in taking over the world. (He sounds more nervous than bold–what would make someone nervous want to take over the world? Maybe it would help to shift his personality to brave but hyper-cautious).


    Because the relationships between the villains (and the inevitable betrayals and shifting alliances) are a major element of the plot, I would recommend fleshing out their goals a bit more here. For example, what convinces Toxin to go along with the second villain? One possibility that might make more sense is something along the lines of offering Toxin a great chance at killing that one hero he’s always hated, BUT he’ll only get that chance if he’s on-board with their plan.

    Neither one seems to consider the possibility that anybody else is listening in. If the villains are careful and fear the possibility of betrayal, I would have them check the room for bugs and check the other person for wires (particularly if he’s been in prison but was now mysteriously out of prison—in real life, the most likely explanation for someone mysteriously getting out of prison is that the police let him out because he was cooperating).

  6. B. McKenzieon 01 Jan 2012 at 10:34 am

    The first chapter is about 450 words long. I would recommend going a bit longer (~1000 words or more) because I think a very short chapter is liable to look awkward when it gets printed. This is enough for one full page and then the last 100-150 words will be orphaned on their own page with a lot of blank space. If you have 150+ short chapters, all that blank space would add up to 50+ blank pages that you don’t actually need.

    “He was going roughly 100 miles per hour.” I’d like you to show this. Please see #3 and #3.1 here for tips about how to make a superpower feel extraordinary.

    “He scoped out the scene. Half a dozen thugs, nothing he couldn’t handle.” If he’s supposed to come across as careful, it might help to have him scope more thoroughly than just a mook count. For example, do they have hostages? What are they armed with? If he’s the sort of hero that likes to take them by surprise, is there an easy way to surprise them? Are there any environmental hazards that could be problematic? (For example, if I were a speedster, I’d be mainly worried about whether the footing was adequate. If it had been raining, making tight turns outside without slipping would be more difficult). If he’s NOT supposed to come across as careful, then I’d recommend cutting out the scoping.

    These criminals strike me as pretty dumb. What WAS their plan if a superhero showed up? Why would they rob a bank in this town without a superhero contingency plan? Could I recommend taking hostages?

    I would recommend cutting Friday unless you’re trying to make the character sound ditzy. One peril here is that it’ll make the story feel dated 5+ years from now. In ~10 years, I think it’ll feel like a joke about Hansen or Mmm-Bop would now. Eventually, it’ll feel like a joke about 2 Legit 2 Quit.

    The hero strikes me as a somewhat dumb thrill-seeker. (I think that’s why he gives the criminals advice about how to stop him). If that’s intentional, I think it’s okay.

  7. Anonymouson 01 Jan 2012 at 1:55 pm

    One thing I am curious about, is why is a Henchman’s Union such a stupid idea?

  8. legolosarrowon 01 Jan 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Ok, yes, Sonicboom was meant to be ditzy,stupid thrill seeker. And, he things the henchmens union is such a stupid idea becuase he thinks that a few guys with guns wouldn’t stand a chance against even a few heroes.

    B.McKenzie, thank you for those pointers.How’s “Sonicboom jogged towards the scene of the crime. At least what was jogging for him. His feet thundered across the street, with a screeching sound echoing across the city, and a smokey smell in his wake.”? And I’m also going to change, “He scoped put the scene. Half a dozen thugs, nothing he couldn’t handle.” to, “He scoped out the scene. He grinned a wild grin, there were six thugs. Therefore, half a dozen butts to kick!” Also, I do kind of have a problem with filling up space in my chapters…Now, on to the criminals themselves, they didn’t have a plan because, as it said in the prolouge, the henchmens union was meant to distract the heroes during the plotting and scheming.About the hostages, because the villans gave them a very vauge idea of what they needed to do (You there! Henchmen! You are now in the henchmens union. Go distract some heroes.)and, becuase since there particular henchmen were low ranking, they don’t improvise often.

    So, when I have more time, I will be editing the story to make it better.

  9. B. McKenzieon 01 Jan 2012 at 5:08 pm

    “One thing I am curious about, is why is a Henchman’s Union such a stupid idea?” Well… I can’t speak on behalf of LegolasArrow here, but one possible reason it might be a bad idea is that the normal rationale for a union (securing legal protections for workers) would not mean much to the employees of a criminal enterprise. If the “management” (the villains) reneges on a contract negotiated by the union, what are the henchmen going to do? Try suing the villains? Any attempts to get the courts or NLRB involved would probably end up with both the henchmen and the villains incarcerated… and the villains are much better at breaking out than the henchmen are.

    Also, the “management” in this case isn’t exactly into legally binding agreements to begin with. Even negotiating a legal contract with a homicidal fugitive is a waste of time, I’m guessing. Lastly, an otherwise homicidal villain probably wouldn’t think twice about killing henchmen that wanted to form a union or go on strike. It only takes a few casualties for the rest to fall in line, reasons Captain Doom.

  10. legolosarrowon 01 Jan 2012 at 5:15 pm

    The Henchmens Union work for the supervillans, it has nothing to do with legal things….

  11. legolosarrowon 01 Jan 2012 at 5:17 pm

    (Sorry for double post, I forgot to add this…)But, they say that it has everything to do with legal stuff, for a cover.

  12. Anonymouson 01 Jan 2012 at 5:19 pm

    I was thinking more of a way of getting them organised. If there’s a “Union”, then there’s a single, handy organisation that supervillains could go to to hire henchmen, as surely that would be more convenient than hand picking and training teams themselves. If there was a union of henchmen, then supervillains would be able to get an easy and reliable supply of already trained men, perhaps under the guise of a private security firm or something? Surely it would be worth a couple of minor concessions, like healthcare or bail money (or likely life insurance to their next of kin =p) to avoid the hassle of recruiting and training their own men? And it explains where villains get their seemingly inexhaustible supply of cronies from… Although this is all idle speculation and an amusing idea to me more than anything else.

  13. Anonymouson 01 Jan 2012 at 5:21 pm

    (Sorry LegolasArrow, I didn’t see your reply before I posted)

  14. RisTiggeron 02 Jan 2012 at 1:04 am

    Your story is thin in my opinion. From what you said in the beginning, it’s basically a bunch of groups of people screwing each other over. Superhero stories are more personal in my opinion, at least all the best stories. Readers wont enjoy your story if they need a flow chart to understand it. Try to understand that if you can make it simple and interesting then it will flow a lot better. However, if events keep stacking up one after another then readers just won’t be able to establish connections to these events.

    The characters are not very good. The characters in the prologue (who you didn’t give names) seem very superficial and their characterization is too dense and reliant on events the reader doesn’t know about. I don’t know or understand these characters except that they seem like jerks. Sonic Boom (two words) is brash and a thrill seeker which isn’t bad. Some of the best characters are like that (I.E. Guy Gardner, The Flash, and Spider-Man) but the character needs perspective. Try making him a bit more likeable rather than funny or brash.

    Your structure needs a lot of work. Okay I have to just say this right now. You cannot have a chapter that is just dialogue. It does not work in any universe. Scrap it. Next, your descriptions are sparse and don’t paint a picture in my mind. Try focusing putting more details into what the character sees and how he feels about it. Remember, “show don’t tell”. Plus you need a lot more editing. Also, refrain from any references in your story because it’s just groan worthy and it really dates yourself. Seriously, don’t reference “Friday”, EVAR!

    In the end you really need to scrap this story and try working on it a little harder if you want to publish it. You have some glimpses of potential but it needs work to make it good.

    P.S. I thought the idea of a Henchmen’s Union was actually interesting and worth exploring. The union could work if they had super villains protecting them.

  15. B. McKenzieon 02 Jan 2012 at 1:18 am

    RisTigger, please read this.

  16. Damzoon 02 Jan 2012 at 6:16 am

    RisTigger, Bmac does have a point.

    LegolasArrow what RisTrigger is trying to say is that you just have to work a bit on your characterisation and adding more depth to your characters. Don’t worry though, the site is about improving your writing skills which you will do along the way, just check my review forum http://www.superheronation.com/2011/02/18/cool-ds-review-forum/ I like to think I’ve improved a lot with help from B.Mac, Myna and the other members of the site. Even now I’m editing my first comic book issue after noticing some mistakes pointed out by B.mac, so just keep working on your skills and you will get there, your story has a lot of great potential.

  17. legolosarrowon 02 Jan 2012 at 11:14 am

    NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I re-typed the prolouge, and it got deleted!

  18. legolosarrowon 02 Mar 2012 at 9:11 pm

    Ok, I’ve decided to revamp my story. After careful consideration, playing Skyrim and Castleminer for a while,and talking to my peers, I’ve realized that my story probably wasn’t going anywhere. So, I’ve decided to scrap it, and then put the scraps on somthing new. So, here’s what causes the main plot of the story-

    Step One-Scientist builds things. Thinks they’re crap, and throws them to nephew, saying “Take these child.” and left him to his own devices.

    Step Two- Child is banging things together, as his two year old can’t find anything better to do with them. In agitaion, he forgets to turn off one of the things he gives to the kid.

    Step Three- Kid bangs somthing into the turned on machine, and, for a split second, made a portal that let out a single airbourne germ, infecting him. The child beings gaining intelligence by the hour.

    Step Four- In a matter of weeks, the childs intellect matches that of Albert Einstein, he cannot talk yet, but he can baffle math professers with some equations that are rather ‘simple’ to him.

    Step Five-Scientist is enraged with his nephew. He has been at this far longer than his nephew has. He should be smarter.

    Step Six-Scientist attempts to out-do his nephew with science. He builds a portal. He has a scheduled show-case in New York, but it comes earlier than expected. He does not have time to test his machine.

    Step Seven-At the showcase, the scientist activates the portal. It happens to be from to the same place that the tiny portal the child acciendently made. Many germs are floating out,infecting people,giving them slowly manifesting powers. Sceintist, getting cocky because his invention worked, stuck his hand into the portal. He grinned wildly, and then somthing malfunctioned. The portal closed, taking the scientists hand with it(People in the other universe:”What’s this?”)he screams in pain, audience laughs.

    Step Eight- He drives to his brothers house, ignoring the people that wanted to give him medical attention. by god he was going to kill his nephew. He reched this borhters house, and pulls a knife from the kitchen. He raises the knife over his nephews head, while giving him an evil stare. Then, beams of pure force come from his eyes, crushing his nephews skull. In suprise, he screams, and backs up a little to far. he falls out of a window, and kills himself.

    Step Nine-While this is happening, people are rapidly becoming supervillans. Some wanting to cause chaos, others in it for the money and/or power, and chaos rules. No superheroes because everyone is so afraid of the villans. This goes on for years and years and years. Super-powerd survivors have children, many of which are braver then they were. They kill a few supervillans, those who weren’t killed off by age,disease,other supervillans, or other causes, and take back a small area of the world. It is the ruins of New York, and some of the area around it. Upon new York, the city of Ever Grande is built.

    Step Ten-In Ever Grande, there are heroes, the occasional villans, etc. Major factions include the Cape-Haters(Anti-superpower activasts who take the political approach to ending superhumans),Cape-Killers(Those who kill those with powers),The First Leigon(The army),and others.

    Step Eleven(Don’t worry, this is the last step!)-In the rest of the world, in what’s known as ‘The Wasteland’ the is still Chaos, many supervillans, thugs,raiders, etc. Major Factions/Groups include The Royals(A group who belive they rule the world),The Negative First Leigon(An army compused of thugs,raiders and muggers with lots and lots of guns trying to take out Ever Grande City),Supervillans(Duh.),The Doomspeakers(People who belive the world was created by a god, to be destroyed, and to be re-born, with their living god. MAJOR plot role[Pretty much the biggest.])

    Well, that’s all i have for now. BTW, that wasn’t the actual story, just the set-up for the story. but it will all be included in the book. Feedback is greatly appriciated!

    ~Lego

  19. legolosarrowon 29 Mar 2012 at 3:52 pm

    All right, here’s the first chapter of the new story coming at you(That I accidnetley posted in the wrong place first…)…

    Chapter One:
    It was a sunny, clear, happy day outside when planet Earth started to go to hell. Cooped up in his basement, was a scientist. He worked busily, his eyes moving over machinery, crafting things, taking them apart and making them into new things time and time again. The scientist had won many awards before, they stood upon his shelf. He looked at them, and drew hope. He was in a financial reform; he had blown all his money on a failed project. He smiled at his trophies, and went back to work. He strained his mind he could not come up with something that he had not done before. He tinkered with a children’s toy.
    “Simple thing…” He thought. He quickly unassembled and reassembled it, so it could now speak.
    “I could become a billionaire toy maker…” He thought, but he quickly brushed that idea away. He hated children, and his mind was geared for thinking scientifically, not for designing miniature robots that would make little kids squeal in delight. He was about to take his voice box back when he heard a doorbell. “Ugh. Company.” He rose to his feet, and ascended the stairs. He walked over to his house door, and yanked it open. His brother was there, holding a child, who couldn’t be more than three.
    He sneered in disgust. “What could you possibly want? If you want to ‘talk’ or something, get your sorry hide out.” The scientists brother frowned.
    “Bro, I need you to watch Tommy.” He gestured with his chin to the child he was holding. “I’m going on vacation for a day or two, and I can’t take him with me.” He looked at the scientist pleadingly.
    What did he need this smelly abomination for? He narrowed his eyes when he looked upon the child. Drool oozed from its open mouth, and it stared intently at him. Well, he was always open for test subjects.
    “I guess I’ll take it.” He took the child out of his brothers hands, and slammed the door shut. He then became aware of a foul odor coming from the kids diaper. He ignored it, and walked back to the basement. He sat the child down on the floor and walked back over to his desk. He was about to take apart the toy, when the child began screaming. He turned towards it and gave it a look. “This had better not be what looking after this stupid useless waste of flesh is all about…” The scientist said, “What do you want baby? Because I need you to shut the hell up!” He chucked the toy at the kid, but it sailed harmlessly over its head, and crashed into the wall. The child ceased screaming, and inspected it. He began to play with it. The scientist growled, “Now it’s taking my equipment…” He turned back to his work, and started randomly making things. Whenever then child screamed, he threw things in its general direction. The child was then pleased for a moment, as he banged the objects together, but began wailing again after he had banged it against everything in his ever-growing arsenal of new toys. The scientist considered the possibility of just killing the child right now, and saying that someone had broken in and done it. He brushed the idea away. He was no cold blooded killer, and even if he did end the child now, it would be too easy to figure out it was him. There was also always the possibility of tricking the child into killing himself. Like placing a gameboy next to a pool. But, as he had been told numerous times in collage and high school, he had no backbone. Oh well. The child had begun to cry again, so the scientist tossed another object through the air. As it sailed, he realized he hadn’t turned it off. He wheeled around as the child grabbed it out of the air, and raised another object. As he brought them together, the scientists screamed, “NO!!!” the objects connected, and there was a tiny spark. Nothing more. That’s what it seemed to the scientist anyway. In reality, it was a microscopic portal. Pure coincidence caused the child to hit them in just the right spot, with just the right two objects. The portal let out a single germ, which went inside the child, as the scientist tore him from his toys. “Dear lord child!” He cried. “You could have killed yourself!” The kid just gave him a blank stare. The scientists chest was heaving. That was the closest to being charged with murder as he had in his entire life. The scientist sat down, and began thinking about what had just occurred. The child though, was being affected by the germ. The germ multiplied rapidly in it’s bloodstream, tailoring itself so that it could survive and thrive in the child. Like a fingerprint, every person was different, so the germ catered to this persons needs. The germ made the child intelligent. It fed him piles of information, of pure, unbridled, unabridged knowledge. The childs brain began to process it. Learning many words in mere minutes. Beginning to easily be able to compute complex algebra equations. The child was to be the first super genius, and the first of the super powered beings. He was also to be the one to cause the scientist to begin to drag the world into hell…

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