Dec 13 2011

Rolando’s Review Forum

Published by at 7:10 pm under Review Forums

Rolando is working on a story about a superhero whose wife gets assassinated at his retirement ceremony.  That Jamaican cruise will have to wait.

7 responses so far

7 Responses to “Rolando’s Review Forum”

  1. RoLandoon 15 Dec 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Wassup everyone. Im glad to be here. Im excited to start posting my stories and ideas and i hope to get some good feedback and critiques. Thank you in advance. Here we go! lol

  2. RoLandoon 15 Dec 2011 at 1:41 pm

    This is the first part of the story i have started to work on.

    “With no further adieu, I present to you, The Shield!” The mayor turned towards The Shield as he made his way to the podium. The mayor was flashing the trademark smile that one him the election this past November. The Shield returned it.

    The crowd was enormous.

    The crowd was always enormous. This was the day the city would come together and recognize, borderline worship, the cities protector. He resented it every year. He would never get used to it. He was a regular man. He was no different than any one of those men or women that stood in this crowd staring up at him.

    Well maybe that was entirely true.

    But that’s what he felt as he stood before this massive congregation. As he reached the podium, the crowd erupted into raucous cheering He was immaculate in his navy blue uniform. The gold shield emblazoned on his chest glistened in the sunlight. He stared through the mask at the people as they stared back. He was elevated on a stage far above his audience.

    There were so many people and even so he felt connected to all of them. He was connected to all of them. His whole adult life had been dedicated to serving and protecting. Even before he was Shield he worked behind the shield as a New Haven Police officer. He was on the stage alone except for his best friends. Angel, his oldest friend and ally was standing off to the right behind him. He glanced back him. Angel glanced back, betraying no emotion. Behind him to his left his best friend and wife, Dove. She stood motionless also staring at the crowd. He glanced back at her. She was beautiful when she smiled even with the mask her beauty was apparent. Once she realized he was looking at her, her smile changed. Changed in only a way he would recognize. He felt stronger and ready to do what he had to do.

    Today would be the most important speech he would ever give. History would be made today and no one in this city would ever forget what was about to happen. Angel and Dove were the only two people who knew what he was about to do.

    “Good people of New Haven, it is my pleasure to stand before you on this gorgeous, sunny day.” He began. “It’s been another year and here we are. He we are in our beautiful city surrounded by the monuments and memorials that our forefathers built.” The celebration was always held in what was known as the Tribute Square. It was a beautiful piece of land shaped like a square. It was two miles long and two miles wide. The cities heroes of old had been buried and memorialized here. He would probably be buried here to. It would up in the air after today’s speech.

    “Here we are standing, living, and surviving together. I am honored to call myself a citizen of New Haven!” The crowd exploded in applause. He smiled and held his hand over his heart. He could hear Dove clapping behind him. Angel remained silent. They calmed after a few seconds more.

    His heart started beating again as he turned back towards the crowd. He could see their admiration. He caught a glimpse of a little boy sitting on his dad’s shoulder. The little boy was wearing a miniature replica of The Shield’s own uniform. The uniform was a tad big for the boy and he kept pulling the mask back a little, just so he could see. But he looked so happy to be there. The sight made his heart ache. A tear escaped and began rolling down his face.

    “Serving New Haven has been a dream come true for me. It has been difficult and challenging but I wouldn’t trade the experiences for the world. I grew up here. I have lived and worked here. I have succeeded and struggled here. This is and will always be my home.” He paused. He stole another glance at Dove. She smiled and nodded. So he continued.

    “And that is why this is so hard for me to say to you.” He stopped again but not from the emotion. He saw a glimmer of light off in the distance. He dismissed it. He thought maybe it was just a camera flash. They had been flashing since he stepped on the stage. He looked down at the podium to gather himself.

    It happened so fast.

    The shot echoed through the city. The crowd gasped in horror. And then there were only screams. Security rushed the stage. He could hear orders being given.

    “She’s been shot! Get the paramedics here now!” One of the agents screamed.

    Shield turned to see the paramedics rushing onto the stage. And that’s when he realized who had been shot.

    His wife and best friend lay in a puddle of blood.

  3. RoLandoon 15 Dec 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Here is my basic vision of the story.

    The Shield’s real name is Desi Grant. He was born and raised in New Haven and always wanted to be a hero and help people.

    The Shield is an ex-undercover cop was kicked off the force. As he went deeper into the life undercover, the line became blurred. He became involved in some illegal activities. He quit unexpectedly without telling anyone why after he inadvertantly got a prostitute killed. He goes into a state of depression and guilt from the sins he has committed. As time goes on he is found and interrogated by his oldest friend Angel. This is his first time meeting Angel. Angel has been investigating the crime family that he was undercover with and needs information. So the Shield gives him the info and helps Angel take them down. This was The beginning of The Shield as a hero.

    Fast forward 5 years. He has become a well known and respected hero in the city of New Haven. But he is tired. He feels that he has done all he can and that he has nothing left. He met his best friend doin this and he met hs wife as well. They have three children together. He is done.

    And then she is murdered at the annual “Celebration of Heroes” held in the Tribute Square.

    And thats all I have so far and I will have more story later.

  4. RisTiggeron 17 Dec 2011 at 2:48 am

    You seem to have a lot of ideas in your head and from what I can tell they are good ideas. I like the gritty crime hero you’re going for like in Detective Comics or something like that. Your character The Shield has a lot of backstory to him which is good. While I do like your ideas, your story needs work.

    First thing I noticed was your names are cliché. The Shield feels like it has been used multiple times. Also your other characters have very basic names and don’t really scream unique. Angel? Is that a nick name? But this can be worked out easily. Just think about it a little harder and it will work out. Names are hard, I know.

    The second thing I noticed was that you have very little details in this excerpt. You mention his mask multiple times and yet you don’t describe it once. Details are very importance when introducing your characters. You try and make The Shield out to be this very grand and elegant being of justice but without details about what The Shield looks like, it doesn’t resonate like it should. Also cut down on some of the superfluous details such as The Shield looking at Dove.

    The final thing that should be worked on is your subtext. You describe the looks that Angel and Dove give to the Shield. But we know nothing about these characters or their relationship to The Shield. Plus with the lack of details, the audience cannot interpret what these looks mean in the context of the story other than they are looking at The Shield. These details ultimately become meaningless filler. Their looks have substance to you but you have to consider what your reader is seeing and thinking. They can interpret what it means, but not without enough details.

    You have some good ideas, but not a good way to frame them. I recommend scrapping this initial excerpt and rewriting it with higher attention to details. Also try and introduce The Shield to the reader in a more natural way than to a bunch of reporters. While I’m not an actual published author, I think you really should listen to my criticisms of your work. I am interested in what you write next.

  5. RoLandoon 18 Dec 2011 at 6:46 am

    Thank you RisTigger. I will definitely use what you said because they are things that I do struggle with. The names are just fill-ins until I come up with their actual names and so I intend on fixing that.

    But I will rewrite and post soon. Again, thank you!

  6. RoLandoon 22 Dec 2011 at 3:44 pm

    So i decided to make a few changes to the characters and also the story.

    Desi Bryant is an undercover agent for the FBI. He is a former marine and has been working undercover. His wife died giving birth to their first and only child, a daughther named Eve. After multile mistakes in the field, the last of which got a person killed, he decided that this life of violence had taken its told and that he needed to get out so he can be there for his daughter. His best and only friend is one of the city’s best vigilantes. They have forged a relationship over the years by working together to fight the criminal underworld. As well as working with FBI, Desi has also been gathering information and givng it to Angel(Temporary name). This has caused Angel to have success over the past years. He is not happy with Desi’s decision because he needs him the field.

    And that is the gist so far. Ill post the first part as soon as possible.

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