Jun 15 2011

Mr. Crowley’s Second Review Forum

Published by at 1:59 pm under Review Forums

Guy Fails is sent to a small kingdom in the south called Illan by a man named William. He only accepts because of a promised bag of gold. Guy travels a bit but eventually gets there. Once there he meets a thief named Lillian. He instantly likes her, though it isn’t returned. He meets and plays parts in small skirmishes and keeps meeting Lillian. They are eventually pegged for a robbery they didn’t commit, the thieving of the King Jewel. A very important gem in the history of Illan. They eventually track down a small cult and are able to retrieve the jewel to clear their name. Guy celebrates with booze, Lillian with robbing the jewel back and selling it on the black market.


Guy gets a job in the Illan branch of the Church of Serpece, his religion. He spends the days protecting the church from atheists and drunks. At night he tells a friend named Bill about how great it is. Though one day he arrives and everyone inside is paralyzed. He finds the cultists inside squabbling with some members of the Church of Lewis, a newer religion, who are also trying to find something. Guy is able to drive them off though the people have to be sent to a hospital to try and cure them. Guy looks back into the room and sees that some books are missing. He is fired for not being there when the cultists attacked.


The Grand Illusion, a fantastic psychedelic carnival comes to Illan. Guy is excited and invites Lillian, who he finds by standing in front of a rich persons house. She turns him down though and he goes to a bar. But he gets a pep talk from Bill and goes to the carnival anyway. There he sees Lillian and is surprised and thinks she’s changed her mind, but it figures out she’s here with her girlfriend. Guy assumes she’s a lesbian but she tells him she’s a bisexual and she didn’t go with him because he can be a drunken asshole. He tries to respond but the proprietor of the Grand Illusion, Mr. Edward Kite, comes out to invite everyone in. Guy is lost in the crowd and is swept inside. The show is fairly strange and exciting. But then it goes bad. Monsters come out and start to eat people, people disappear or other strange things. Guy finds Lillian, her girlfriend and Edward. They attempt find the exit but go through stranger and stranger events. Eventually Guy meets me, his writer, who proceeds to confuse him even more and to confirm that he is a drunken asshole. Eventually they are able to manipulate the random events to find the exit. They are surrounded by sorcerers. They are able to kill some and drive the others off. Guy steals a kiss from Lillian.


Guy attempts to drink off what I said to him when he is brought before King Brian the Blessed. Brian takes Guy on as a protégé because of his fame in Illan. Guy gets a taste of the high life and meets some important people, though he misses Lillian terribly. Guy uses some of the resources available to find out some things on the cultists. He cant find anything though. Illan is stormed by the military of the Church of Lewis. King Brian’s attempts at diplomacy fail. The forces of the Church of Lewis eventually take over the once ‘pagan’ city. Guy is able to reach King Brian, who is to be executed, with the help of Lillian. Brian tells them that he is not the actual king of Illan, that the prince had been a fairly evil person who was waiting to gain the throne for conquest. Brian, who was the prince’s bodyguard, was forced to kill him and take his place, which was easy because he was on a two year travel. Guards then break in and capture Guy and Lillian before Guy can ask if Brian knows what the Church of Lewis is after.


Guy and Lillian are brought before the newly arrived Bishop King, who sentences them to jail and execution. Guy and Lillian are put in cells next to each other. They talk and Guy asks if she really thinks he’s a drunken asshole and she says that she may have been a little harsh, but he isn’t the nicest person around. Guy confirms this and they sit in silence for a while. But then a chunk of debris breaks the prison wall behind Guy. He looks out and sees the cultists are attacking the church’s military. He tries to help Lillian but she makes him leave to try to fix things. Guy is able to avoid Templars and cultists and get to the castle where a large group of cultists are storming the gates. Guy stays back until they get in and follows. He sees William talking to the Bishop King before he draws a weapon and attempts to stab him. The Bishop King takes the blade out from his torso and sand pours out. The Bishop King is a lich and destroys Williams forces in the throne room. Though William is unaffected, both the Bishop King and Guy are shocked at this. William reveals to the Bishop King that they know each other. Guy decides to find Brian, who is under heavy guard from Templars. Guy is forced to fight them off and breaks in to find Brian was executed while he was incarcerated. Guy stands in sadness for the loss of his compatriot, but realizes that he has to leave. He gets back to the ground floor where he overhears the Bishop King and William agreeing to separate the city after William tells the Bishop King that the cultists greatly outnumber the Templar forces. William takes the south and the Bishop King takes the north. Guy leaves the castle and gets to the streets where the cultists are already slinking away.


Guy is able to get to a bar where he drinks himself into a stupor before he realizes he forgot Lillian. He is forced to break her out after attempting to bribe the guards, and legally attempting to free her don’t work. Guy spends the next few days attempting to get used to the northern city under the Church of Lewis’ rule, which many people agree is better than the southern cultist rule. Alcohol is outlawed and the rules have become stricter, but Guy is somehow able to handle himself, with moonshine and smuggled beer.


Eventually though he gets sick of the newer rules and decides to get his things in order and leave the city. He tries to get Lillian to come with him. She tells him that she cant, that she knows to many people in the city to leave. When Guy gets to the gate though, he is caught and put into solitary confinement before his execution.


We stay with Lillian and see her life after she thinks Guy leaves. She tries to rob a house but is nearly caught by a Templar. She decides that stealing may be easier in the southern city. She is nearly killed by the cultists, who somehow knew where she was. She begins to have arguments with her girlfriend, Susannah, over her robberies, which Susannah think are getting too dangerous, but Lillian proceeds to ignore her. Eventually Lillian gets home to find Susannah gone. We go to Bill who is playing piano at a popular pub. His shift ends and he leaves. He is almost mugged but is able to subdue his attackers. We see a couple days in his life. Eventually though the Templar connect him with Guy and Bill is taken into custody and ends up in jail waiting for executing. The Bishop King is attempting to control the northern city. We learn that he is gradually losing favor with his subjects for his increasingly violent way of solving things. He gets a message about his daughter having gone missing in Poit. He freaks out at this for reasons unknown and sends a message for a large chunk of his forces to go find her under penalty of death if they fail. We see William as he is searching for information. We see that he is also more of a messiah like figure for his subjects, which makes it easier for him to control things. He gets a message that Guy is in jail, and he sends him a package that will hopefully get him out.


Guy attempts to stay at least partially sane, but eventually I begin to flicker in and out of sight, Guy also sees himself on the moon. But mostly he begins to see some of his old life. Eventually Guy begins to see his first love Caitlyn appear and attempts to block out the bad memories. Eventually they overtake him. He remembers their first meeting in the spring market, where they began to like one another, though she was middle class and Guy was mostly broke. Guy snaps himself out of it with a piece of glass to the hand. Guy bandages it in his room when he looks out the window at the city and sees her and him in there second meeting. Where Guy offered to help her with her groceries, contemplating though if he should rob her. He doesn’t and they talk a bit. Guy tears himself away and attempts to drink it off. It succeeds for a while, but eventually he sees himself at the Horse Inn seeing Bill the same day. This is before Bill went blind and they talk. Guy tells Bill about Caitlyn and Bill is happy that Guy has found someone, though he also reminds Guy that he needs a job before he starts seeing anyone. Guy tells him that he isn’t even sure she like him back. Bill buy Guy some more beer until they are both drunk. Guy snaps out of it and cries himself to sleep, because he knows this wont stop soon. Guy wakes up refreshed and talks to me about what is happening. I confirm that it wont stop anytime soon. Guy starts to see him and Bill in the Market Revolts, working for the market as guards when people were starving because of a massive drought in the growing plains to the east. Guy and Bill are paid and given a discount by the merchants for their service. Guy uses this to get Caitlyn some groceries. Guy talks with me after snapping out of it. He asks me if he has a good or bad ending. I tell him what does he think it will be. He imagines himself as an old man on a street corner playing guitar for money. I tell him that it would most likely be a happier ending than that. Guy has gone for a few days without a flashback until he looks at an old painting on a wall of some of the outside forests during winter. He sees himself and Caitlyn walking through it after the Market Revolts. They kiss for the first time and continue their walk. At the end Guy sees Bill and tells him about it. Bill is happy for Guy, but tells him that they need new jobs if they are going to be staying the city for an extended period of time. They eventually get a job at the bar as a bartender for Guy and as the piano player for Bill. They get paid well enough and Guy is able to stay with Caitlyn. Guy tears himself away from the picture and talks to me about how its about to get to the bad parts, and tells me that he may be absorbed into the memories for a while. I tell him I’ll make sure no one disturbs him for a while. Guy walks into his room and sees Caitlyn drawing on the bed. Guy remembers that this is after they bought the house. Guy sinks even deeper into the memory and talks to Caitlyn. He asks if she has finished the drawing, she says she has. They kiss and eventually this leads to sex. They wake up the next morning and Guy goes down to the bar and meets Bill. Some royal from outside the city, the original Brian, comes in. Eventually Guys’ sarcasm annoys Brian enough to order his execution, but his bodyguard is able to sway him to let Guy live. Brian orders his imprisonment. Guy spends several days in the city jail before he is released. He is greeted outside of the prison by Bill who helps him stumble home after several days of little food. Bill gets to the front steps of Guys’ house when Caitlyn runs out to embrace Guy. They eventually get him up into his bedroom. Several days are spent with Caitlyn not leaving his side and Bill making him food. Eventually he his able to get back to work where he learns that he was fired. Guy returns to the house and starts to look for another job. He practices his guitar for the first time in several months and learns that he is still good at it. He starts to sell himself as a bard and gets a job at the town square during the mid winter festival telling stories. But the festival is crashed by the arrival of Orks. The Orks don’t start the fight that happens but they certainly end it. Guy survives and is able to find Bill, who was partially blinded and is now light sensitive. They go through the town and find that Caitlyn also lived, though now has a tiny wobble in her step and cant stand for long without pain. Guy and Caitlyn live life as normal for a few weeks as the Orks are rounded up. A heavy tax comes and Guy’s recent unemployment means that they have to sell Caitlyn’s drawings for little money. They are able to scrape by while the winter passes by and Guy is able to find a job in the transport of goods to the market. He is ambushed by Orks who of course cant buy from the market to feed themselves, and game is too scarce to move the tribe elsewhere. Guy strikes a deal with them. He will give them some food every week for what ever they feel like they should pay him. He is able to do this for a few months and him and Caitlyn live a good life for a while. He also gains some knowledge on Ork culture and begins to become friends with the tribe, learning some customs and that they want to be friends with the humans, but because of the Human/Ork wars, humanity demonizes them. But then the merchants catch on and they send the guard to capture Guy and he spends a few weeks in jail. This time though he is treated better and is able to walk himself home. He embraces Caitlyn and decides to invite Bill over for dinner. Bill is still partially blind but is able to find their house through memory. They eat and they let Bill leave after trying to convince him to stay for the night. Guy and Caitlyn make love by the moon light. Guy is again without a job. He is able to get his old job back at the bar and makes enough money to buy a ring for Caitlyn. He is going home with the ring when he sees that the house has been broken into. Guys house has been raided and Caitlyn is gone. Guy sees signs of a struggle and finds a sword from the city watch. Guy stumbles out of the city in a catatonic state and meets the Orks. He tells them what happened and the Orks storm the city. Many people die in the attack. Guy stumbles his way into the bar and sits at his job post. Bill comes in and tells Guy what’s going on outside. That the Orks have completely decimated the city guard and is slaughtering the market district. Guy tells Bill that he is responsible and after telling it to an astonished Bill again. Bill punches Guy across the face. Guy tells him what he found and what the city watch possibly did to Caitlyn but Bill tells him that that isn’t enough reason to kill an entire city full of people. Bill walks out on Guy. Guy sits there for days.


In the present, I wake Guy up and tell him a package arrived. Guy rips it apart and finds a copy of the Word of Lewis. He thinks of it as a joke, but begins to read through it anyway.


We see Lillian as she is thrown in prison when the Templars recognize her. She sits in darkness for a while before Bill strikes up a conversation. They eventually start to talk about Guy and Bill tells her what happened to Guy and him in Susti. Lillian agrees that Guy may have done the wrong thing. Bill tells her that Caitlyn is actually alive and with Guys’ child. She left Guy because of his alcoholism and his inability to hold down a job. They talk about other things as well and wait for their execution.


The Bishop King is having trouble stopping the Templar from skirmishes with the cultists. He finds that the King Jewel is important for whatever he is trying to do. William finds the same information and orders his soldiers to retrieve it.


Guy is near the end of a copy of the Word of Lewis and finds a loophole. He pretends to convert to Lewisism, because the Church of Lewis cannot execute a member of its flock. He passes by Bill and Lillian when the guards are dragging him off and tips them off about it. After they ‘convert’ they leave and see that the entire city has gone to hell. The Bishop King has declared martial law on the northern city, while the cultists have gone completely insane, firebombing and committing ritual suicide in the street. They are able to get to the pub Bill worked at and begin to plan an overthrow. Guy sends Lillian to see what the Bishop King is up to, while he will find out Williams plan. Guy is nearly killed several times by the cultists. But makes it to the hotel William has been staying at. He attempts to eavesdrop but William knows he’s there and tells him plainly that he is trying to get to the moon. Then he calls his guards. Guy gets out easily enough. She returns with knowledge that he plans something with the moon being a heavy factor. Guy thinks about some of the legends he knows that involves the moon. He cant think of a specific legend but thinks that they both are under the assumption that they can gain power through it. He begins to plan appropriately. He is able to form a small group of warriors from veterans of the Illanian army. They plan a raid on the castle. When Bill tries to remind him about William, Guy tells him that William isn’t the immediate threat because of his untrained forces, and that the castle is closer, so its less likely they‘d be noticed in time, lastly that they have weapons. The raid commences and the Templar, having grown lazy from lack of fighting, are unprepared. Everything is going alright until they reach the throne room. The Bishop King kills Guys forces and attempts to kill Guy as well, but not before taunting him. The Bishop King had his guard pay attention to Lillian and Bill. He tells Guy that Caitlyn left him because she didn’t want him to be a father. Guy, enraged by this, attacks the Bishop King, who is caught off guard because he thought Guy would just break down. Guy is able to lob off one of the Bishop Kings arms before being electrocuted. William comes in about then, having used Guy as a distraction. He tells the Bishop King that he has him surrounded. The Bishop King pays no attention until William mentions that he has the King Jewel. The Bishop King attempts to attack William but William uses a spell to freeze him in place. He tells the Bishop King something in secret then tells him that he has found a way to kill him, that he has found where he has been keeping his soul. He pulls out a little girl, the Bishop Kings daughter. The Bishop King begs him not to, but William pulls out a knife and kills her by slitting her throat. The Bishop King stares in disbelief and William then tells him that he will destroy him completely before killing him. William has every member of the Church of Lewis lined up outside. He makes the Bishop King admit to everything evil that he has done in the past, and to the fact that he is a lich. The people then watch as William lights the Bishop King on fire as he cradles his daughters lifeless corpse. William orders everyone to go inside and gets some of his cultists to take Guy to his hotel room.


Guy is sat down at a table and waits for William to arrive. William comes and is able to talk Guy out of his catatonia. William tells him that he wanted Guy in Illan was because of the fact that he is important for some reason. He isn’t a chosen one, or anything like that but he has a certain ability to make events happen when he is around. He has been using Guy to make his finding of information quicker than natural. He had done everything to make Guy interested in the cultists so he would act, which is when his powers begin to happen. Guy asks William what the moon is supposed to do for him. He reminds Guy of a historic person, named Rygar, and reminds him of the many stories where he supposedly talked to the moon, or was lead by the moon. Guy doesn’t get it and William tells him that the Moon is actually a form taken by a powerful deity, ironically from the religion Rygar was leader of for a while. He tells Guy that he and the Bishop King were the ones that killed Rygar those hundreds of years ago in a attempt to gain power. Guy asks if William is also a lich and William says that he and the Bishop King found different ways of becoming immortal. He then tells Guy that only he is aware of his and the Bishop Kings former acquaintance, the Bishop King assumed that he died a long time ago. William lets Guy leave, having no use for him and not having reason enough to justify killing him.


Guy is able to get out of the area and finds that people have started to rebel in the city. Guy’s movement has began to gain new members, including some former Templar. Guy tells them everything William told him. Bill and Lillian aren’t surprised. The get the troops prepared and attack that night when William goes to the throne room. The Cultists hold most of them off. William tells them to let Guy in to see his crowning achievement. He has drawn a circle in the ground around the throne and has finished the ritual. The circle breaks off from the ground and begins to float upwards. Guy leaps up onto it and they fly up into the sky. William is enraged that Guys to interfere. Guy makes a grab for the King Jewel. He struggles with William over control and Guy decides to use its magic and his own abilities and makes the moon break in half, thus releasing all of its magic so William cant get to it. William snaps and attacks Guy, who holds the King Jewel in front of him to block it. The Jewel shatters. William is thrown backwards into the throne. The ground begins to crumble and Guy falls. William continues up to the moon. Guy finds himself in the middle of nowhere and stumbles off. Years later, Guy is an old man living alone, having not seen Lillian or Bill in years. He thinks about what I had told him, about having a happy ending. There is a knock at the door and answers it. Its Bill and Lillian. Bill has regained his sight in the meantime. Guy happily embraces the both of them, they tell him that someone told them Guy was there. Guy lets them both in and shuts the door behind them.

6 responses so far

6 Responses to “Mr. Crowley’s Second Review Forum”

  1. Mr. Crowleyon 19 Jul 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I have the problem that I dont find this satisfactory, its like I need more. Its driving me crazy trying to figure out what is the matter, but I cant find it. I keep thinking that something is missing but I cant figure it out. I havent posted here because I was thinking about it. Could someone look over the plot (its long, I know) and attempt to figure it out, thanks.

  2. Mr. Crowleyon 19 Jul 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Wait, forgot to mention, I was bad at organizing this and some of the settings in some scenes changed, like when Guy is in jail, originally he was in another city, so if they dont match up just go with what was established beforehand.

  3. B. Macon 19 Jul 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I feel that the romantic subplot could be intertwined more with everything else that’s going on.

  4. Mr. Crowleyon 20 Jul 2011 at 1:48 pm

    suggestions on how, B. Mac? Im not really good at romance.

  5. B. Macon 20 Jul 2011 at 5:17 pm

    “Guy travels a bit but eventually gets there. Once there he meets a thief named Lillian. He instantly likes her, though it isn’t returned. He meets and plays parts in small skirmishes and keeps meeting Lillian. They are eventually pegged for a robbery they didn’t commit, the thieving of the King Jewel.” For example, maybe there’s a stronger plot-hook linking them rather than them randomly getting jointly pinned for a theft even though they haven’t been working together and possibly haven’t even spoken together yet.

    One possibility would be that his spark for her leads him to inadvertently get tangled up in one of her robberies. (For example, maybe he’s not comfortable asking if she’s already seeing someone, so he follows her to see where she keeps running off to at night…) Well, they both get busted and the guards reasonably assume that he’s her accomplice. So the guards have found this team of thieves apparently stealing valuable things. It’s a reasonable deduction that they stole the King Jewel. The guards offer them a deal: give us back the Jewel and we’ll let the first robbery slide. They don’t HAVE the King Jewel, of course, so the guards assume they’re lying and probably leave them to rot. Maybe they threaten a death penalty. So the protagonists break out of prison and now they have a really compelling reason to work together: the guards are now trying to kill both of them. They manage to recover the jewel and return it to the head guard and get the situation cleared up before the guards have a chance to execute them.

  6. Mr. Crowleyon 21 Jul 2011 at 11:26 am

    Thanks, B. Mac.

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