Mar 17 2011

Rosegirl’s Review Forum

Published by at 5:01 pm under Review Forums

Rosegirl is working on a live-action superhero TV show.

5 responses so far

5 Responses to “Rosegirl’s Review Forum”

  1. Rosegirlon 24 Mar 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Okay, here goes nothing……

    INT. KNIGHTELY’S SITTING ROOM – EVENING
    The television is on, showing the NEWS, while GORDON and his wife CAROL watch. GORDON is a slightly overweight man in his forties with thinning hair, while CAROL is a greying blonde woman.
    The NEWS is showing a report about a trio of MASKED SUPERHEROES that have appeared. As the reporter speaks, the couple’s children KATRINA and DOUGLAS come in.
    The television shows a photo of the THREE SUPERHEROES, who look amazingly similar to GORDON, KATRINA and DOUGLAS. GORDON does his ‘shifty eyes’, whiel DOUGLAS whistles innocently and KATRINA doesn’t react. CAROL turns up the sound.

    REPORTER
    (On TV)
    The trio of superheroes, calling themselves Pow-ah, Alleycat and The Missile respectively, have appeared ‘figthing crime’ in the name of justice. They appear to have abilities above the norm, but as they are hardly ever seen, this is hard to prove. One thing is for sure- the citizens of Deetown can sleep safely in their beds tonight.

    The TV switches to the studio, where a solemn looking NEWS ANCHOR is shuffling his notes.

    NEWS ANCHOR
    This just in, a group of bank robbers are holding several innocent customers as hostages in the Deetown City Bank. The group demand that they are payed their weight in spagehetti, or they will play opera music very loudly. Let’s go to our Torture correspondent, Daniel Craigg. Daniel, what do you make of these threats?

    DANIEL
    It’s a serious threat, I can tell you John. Many people underestimate the power of opera music, but-

    GORDON mutes the TV, and glances quickly at his watch.

    GORDON
    I have to go…. sleep.

    DOUGLAS
    I have to go….. eat.

    KATRINA
    I have to go.

    The trio hastily make a retreat towards the stairs, leaving CAROL look bemused.

    MONTAGE: GORDON, KATRINA and DOUGLAS quickly suit up into their costumes. GORDON wears the stereotypical underpants and tights ensemble, complete with a cape and a P on his chest. DOUGLAS wears a wetsuit monogrammed with a M and an eyemask. KATRINA wears all black, thick jeans and a hoody as well as a metal full face mask.

    EXT. KNIGHTLEY’S HOUSE/OUTSIDE GORDON’S ROOM – EVENING
    The glass of GORDON’s windows SHATTER as he launches himself out and into the air. He can fly.

    EXT. KNIGHTLEY’S HOUSE/OUTSIDE DOUGLAS’ ROOM – EVENING
    The wall of the house EXPLODES as Douglas steps out dramatically. He then blurs as he SUPERSPEEDS away.

    EXT. KNIGHTLEY’S HOUSE/FRONT DOOR – EVENING
    KATRINA walks calmly out the front door, shuts the door, and unhurriedly walks down the driveway.

    FADE TO BLACK

  2. B. Macon 24 Mar 2011 at 4:02 pm

    –When you introduce the superheroes (or, perhaps, their alternate identities), I think it’d be really helpful to show them doing something more distinct/stylish. Something to help the characters distinguish themselves from other superheroes. One possibility would be letting one of the heroes deliver a distinct and/or witty line to a camera. Another possibility is that the kids are talking about something (clearly superhero-related, although the parents don’t realize that) and we hear a line or two that are humorously out of context.

    –“The group demand that they are payed their weight in spagehetti, or they will play opera music very loudly.” I like this quirky sense of humor; I’d recommend using it also when you introduce the superheroes on the news. For example, perhaps the newscaster describes an unusual crime or criminal they stopped.

    –I think it’s funny that the TV station has a torture correspondent, but naming him Daniel Craig (or Craigg) may be legally problematic. Another possibility would be something like James Tie or James Shackle (“tie” and “shackle” are synonyms for “bond” and would be clearly covered under the parody provisions of fair use law).

    –I like the contrast between Douglas’ and Gordon’s gaudy exits and Knightley just ambling out of the house.

    –“It’s a serious threat, I can tell you John. Many people underestimate the power of opera music, but-” I think this could maybe a bit smoother. For example, you could “show” rather than “tell” us that he thinks it’s a serious threat. Maybe something like “Nobody deserves that” or “Our thoughts and prayers go out to them tonight” or “Oh, the humanity!”

  3. Wingson 25 Mar 2011 at 8:54 am

    Even in script form, I found myself struggling to hold back laughter at the contrast between Katrina nonchalantly leaving and the prior flashy exits.

    – Wings

  4. Rosegirlon 25 Mar 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Wings- Thank you!
    B.Mac- Thank you as well! One thing, though- I have no idea who Daniel Craigg is in real life. It was the first name to come into my head.

    EXT. THE BANK – EVENING
    EXT. THE BANK – EVENING
    GORDON/POW-AH swoops down and lands beside a police car as DOUGLAS/THE MISSILE comes to a sudden stop beside him, kicking up a huge cloud of dust behind him. DOUGLAS glares at GORDON. GORDON scowls at DOUGLAS. They do not know who each other are.

    GORDON
    Newbie.

    DOUGLAS
    Has-been.

    GORDON
    Pre-schooler.

    DOUGLAS
    Dinosaur.

    POLICE OFFICER 1 hurries over, thinking they are discussing tactics.

    POLICE OFFICER 1
    What’s the plan, gentlemen?

    GORDON
    Uhhhh……

    DOUGLAS
    Uhhhh……

    An awkward pause.

    POLICE OFFICER NO.1
    You have no idea what to do, do you?

    GORDON
    Not.. really, no.

    DOUGLAS
    Actually, we always just make it up as we go along.

    POLICE OFFICER NO.1
    Oh. We’re screwed then, aren’t we?

    GORDON
    Probably.

    Another pause. Then the bank blows up behind them. It is dramatic, pieces of debris flying everywhere. GORDON, DOUGLAS and POLICE OFFICER NO.1 duck behind the police car.

    POLICE OFFICER NO.1
    Oh my God! There- there were people in there!

    GORDON and DOUGLAS gasp dramatically.

    CUT TO
    EXT. BEHIND THE BANK – EVENING
    ALLEYCAT/KATRINA is helping the last hostage out of the bank as the bank explodes. She walks steadily, not bothering to look back at the explosion.

    KATRINA
    (robotically)
    Everyone here?

    The hostages nod.

    KATRINA
    Alleycat out.

    She runs up a wall and disappears into the shadows.

  5. Rosegirlon 25 Mar 2011 at 1:11 pm

    INT. KNIGHTLEY’S KITCHEN – MORNING – THE NEXT DAY
    KATRINA, DOUGLAS and KATRINA enter the kitchen, all of them yawning. CAROL looks bemused.

    CAROL
    What were you three doing last night?

    A pause while KATRINA, GORDON and DOUGLAS struggle to come up with stories.

    DOUGLAS
    I was up all night….. partying

    (keep in mind that he’s eight)

    GORDON
    I was up all night….. working.

    KATRINA
    I was up all night.

    CAROL
    (confused)
    Oh. Okay, then.

    CUT TO

    EXT. SCHOOL – MORNING
    DOUGLAS and RATCHET wander around the playground talking about superheroes.

    RATCHET
    Power is obviously the best superhero- he can fly!

    DOUGLAS
    Nu-uh. The Missile is way superior to that Power-guy.

    DOUGLAS (V.O)
    Sometimes there was times in my life if I should just confess to everyone- Mom and Dad, Katrina, Ratchet, everybody- my secret identity. But that’s one of the first rules of Superness- NEVER REVEAL YOUR TRUE IDENTITY.

    As he says this, the words flash up at the bottom of the screen in red.

    RATCHET
    You look like you’re Breaking the Fourth Wall. Anything I should know about?

    DOUGLAS
    (confused)
    Breaking the what?

    RATCHET
    (his eyes look back and forth)
    I shouldn’t have said that.

    EXT. A DIFFERENT PART OF SCHOOL – MEANWHILE
    KATRINA is by herself, looking threatening. A group of eight year olds are walking towards her, but when they see her, they veer away.

    EXT. A SHOP – MEANWHILE
    GORDON and FRIEND NO.1, his closest friend, are unloading a truck of boxes marked FRAGILE. GORDON is constantly dropping and breaking the contents of these boxes while he and FRIEND NO.1 talk.

    FRIEND NO.1
    Have you told Carol and the kids about- y’know, the superhero thing?

    GORDON
    Nah. Don’t think that it’d go well….

    CUT TO
    DAYDREAM – KNIGHTLEY’S KITCHEN
    DOUGLAS is running around, amazingly hyper. CAROL is yelling at GORDON. KATRINA is saying and doing nothing.

    DOUGLAS
    My dad is Pow-AH! My dad is Pow-AH! My dad is Pow-AH!
    (and so on)

    CAROL
    (tearfully)
    How dare you keep something like this from me! I feel all betrayed and emo and stuff!

    KATRINA
    I have nothing to contribute to this scene.

    CUT BACK TO FRIEND NO.1 AND GORDON

    FRIEND NO.1
    I see what you mean…

    GORDON
    How could you? That entire daydream thing was in my head!

    FRIEND NO.1
    (does the same ‘shifty eyes’ thing as RATCHET)
    I shouldn’t have said that.

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