Feb 18 2011
Cool D’s Review Forum
When an impulsive kid makes the mistake of becoming a vigilante, it results in the loss of his father, which scars him mentally. Some years later, his family is in danger and he is forced to take up the mantle again.
We’re looking forward to the first chapter.
-Nicholas Case
Let’s see what you’ve got.
before i post i wanted to inform you guys that im going to write in the way that im writing for my artist. he prefers that i give him the freedom to plan the layout.
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if you prefer that i write it in book form or traditional comic book style please say so
thank you
Any way that’s legible and understandable,
By legible I mean the font must be easy to read.
By understandable I mean it’s easy to know the page order and the layout is simple.
It would be easier to post here in book form, but in comic book you’ll need to put it through and image hosting site and give us links or use code. (like to get this.)
This should be VERY fun! XD
-Harley
OK here it goes:
Pg1
Caption: [You know those days when everything goes according to plan and everything's Okay...]
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WE SEE A HELICOPTER. we have an overcast sky
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Caption:[ Well, today's not one of 'em!]
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WE SEE JASON AND THE PILOT IN THE COPTER
PILOT: WE’RE RIGHT ABOVE IT.
JASON (THE MAIN CHARACTER): THANKS.
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Caption:[ I lost the mayor...]
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WE SEE JASON CROUCHING BESIDE THE DOOR OF THE HELICOPTER.
JASON: MAY I BORROW A PARACHUTE?
PILOT: WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING ON-.
Pg2
Caption:[ and I'm gonna get him back!]
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WE SEE JASON SKY-DIVING FROM THE HELICOPTER
JASON: THANKS.
JASON THOUGHT BALLOON: I ALWAYS THOUGHT DOING THIS WOULD BE SCARY… I WAS RIGHT!.
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WE SEE THE PILOT SURPRISED IN THE HELICOPTER.
PILOT: I DONT GET PAID ENOUGH.
—————————————————————
Those are the first 2 pages what do you guys think?
Cool, I like it! X3
I especially like the pilot.
“I don’t get paid enough for this.”
Heh Heh!!
Very interesting so far! XD
hey whats up, looks good so far i would try and leave out the caption bit for now, also focus on character building and the plot, character bio, powers (if they have any if not dont worry about this) and thats all i can think of for the minute, ok Dan.
i have not been on for a while aswell so might be a bit rusty and i would recommend speaking to B.Mac
thanks…
im happy you guys like it. will post some more
b.mac any thoughts
also do any of you have any ideas for what i can use to conceal his identity (dont really want to but want to see different ideas).
My idea was just very dark sunglasses kind of goggles and a stylish jacket.
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also i was planning on naming the comic “The Blazer” as in trail blazer but it doesnt go straight to the point. Do you guys have any ideas.
–If you’re aiming for professional publication, I’d recommend ironing out the kinks in the punctuation and capitalization. (For example, “WE SEE A HELICOPTER. we have an overcast sky” should be consistently capitalized and have a period after sky).
–I think the visual in page 1, panel 1 could be more interesting. Maybe tell your artist a bit more about what impression you’re going for. For example, if we’re supposed to feel like today’s going to go wrong in every way, maybe the overcast sky looks really foreboding, maybe we can see Jason looking out of the open door with a particular expression on his face, etc. Can we see anything in the background that suggests where we are? (For example, maybe we see mountains or skyscrapers in the background or the camera is at a downward angle and we can see some of the ground?)
–The panel delineation is not very clear. For example, are the lines “You know those days…” and “Well, today’s not one of them!” in the same panel? To help make the panels clear, I’d recommend marking off each panel with “Panel 1″ or “Panel 2″ or whatever. (Also, I think it’s customary to start each page description by saying how many panels are on the page–it helps the editor visualize how much space will be available for each panel).
–Your artist will probably need some guidance on how to depict Jason. I’d recommend spending a sentence or maybe two on any notable visual characteristics the artist needs to know, particularly anything relevant to the plot. As a rule of thumb, anything you don’t say is left to the artist’s imagination. Right now, the artist has to guess on age and build/bodytype. If you have any demographic details you’d like to mention, like race or hair color or anything else, you’d probably want to mention that in the sentence as well.
–I’d like a more memorable follow-up to “[You know those days when everything goes according to plan and everything's okay..." than "Well, today's not one of 'em!]” For example, maybe “That was yesterday.” Also, I think “goes according to plan” could be shortened to “goes right” or “goes as planned” or “goes to plan.”
–Unless politeness is a major character trait for Jason, I would recommend having him respond with something more memorable/distinct than “Thanks” when the pilot tells him they’re over “it.” Also, I think he says “Thanks” twice. The second one can probably be removed too (although I think the idea of saying thanks as he’s jumping out of the helicopter is a bit more memorable/badass).
–”We’re right above it.” I think that the “it” here could be clearer. Could you at least suggest what “it” is?
–In context, I don’t feel “I don’t get paid enough” was very funny. (For one thing, the pilot’s complaining his job is hard but he hasn’t actually done anything hard). It might be more funny if he made a remark about Jason. (Maybe something about how crazy it is to try parachuting out of a helicopter without letting your pilot know to fly to a high altitude?)
–Minor believability concern: Helicopters don’t usually have parachutes in case of crash. (If the helicopter goes down, you wouldn’t have enough altitude to safely deploy the parachute and the rotors would probably get tangled up with the chute). As a minor tweak, I’d recommend having him grab his own parachute (suggesting this was his plan all along and adding to the out-of-the-ordinary factor). The pilot can ask him what the hell he’s doing when he grabs his parachute.
–I’m looking forward to pages 3 and beyond.
Thanks for the advice.
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I guess I should have informed you readers as well. The artist and I had already planned Jasons look and design and the environment. Will make sure to put in all the details in my redraft.
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The pilot was supposed to be referring to Jason, will make that clear in the new draft.
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I will post a link to show how Jason looks.
looking forward to it? mate.
over and out CDT Dan Lee
this is how he looks.
http://damzo.deviantart.com/art/main-character-design-201421765
what do you think
That’s pretty good. He’s a bit scrawnier than I was expecting for a melee combatant, but if he’s one that fights more with agility than brute strength, I think it’d feel believable.
Some minor points on anatomy:
–His arms, particularly his left arm (the one on the right of the picture) do not feel long enough. When an adult* is holding his arms down, like he is, the hand will fall significantly below the belt. When I tried that pose myself as a reference, my hands fell roughly halfway between my knees and my belt.
*It may be different if he’s not finished growing yet, but I don’t get that impression. He looks to be 16+?
–The angle on the arms feels a bit strange to me. Looking at the arms from the elbows down, it looks like he’s holding his arms straight down. Looking at the arms from the elbows up to the shoulders, it looks like he’s trying to hold his arms back at a significant angle. If he’s holding his arms down, I don’t think there should be a white gap between his arm and his torso when he’s standing at this angle.
–I think the elbow joint on his right arm (the one on the left) should be a bit lower.
–I’ve never encountered anything like this in real-life (besides some visual references on how/where cops holster their weapons), but I get the uninformed impression that the pouch on his left leg is impractically low. It looks like it’d be inconvenient for him to reach down that low. The one on his right leg looks good, though.
–I sort of feel like his left leg (the one on the right) is not quite consistently angled with his left shoe. The shading on his jeans makes it look to me like his leg is angled a bit more away from the reader than the shoe is.
–I think the knees should be a bit lower?
thanks bmac your advice is always useful.
he is in fact 15+.
this was one of the early drawings so he artist was quite sloppy but thanks ill tell him about the problems you found. He is supposed to be weak looking but agile, since i do not like overpowered characters. Jason doesn’t even have powers though some of his colleagues do. i dont want incredibly fake powers, things like someone that can copy any thing he sees that are possible by the human body. the most extraordinary power i probably have is manipulation of electricity and maybe gravity and speed.
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also do you think with his costume he needs to have an alter ego cause im still not sure if i want to go in that direction… what do ya think.
Over all the design is not bad. I agree with B. Mac’s assessments. The left pouch is definitely to low in my opinion. Also, his left shoulder is a bit to high, and his hair line is also a little high. Hope these comments help and good luck.
THE BLAZER #1
BLAZER RISING: RED
NOTE: THERE SHOULD BE SPACE LEFT FOR CAPTIONS AS I LIKE TO LET THE READERS UNDERSTAND MY CHARACTERS AND THEIR PERSONALITIES.
PAGE ONE
The panel layouts should match whats happening but no odd looking panels. Alarmis city is on an island (refer to Rio de janeiro), but there should be a good deal of buildings that you would see in a city like New york or Chicago. I also want the city to look pretty climbable since Jason does not have special abilities like flight so he has to manually climb but he will also have a grapple hook for faster travel so the buildings should play the part. The page has five panels, they are stacked on top of each other.
PANEL ONE
We see a helicopter in an overcast sky over the Alarmis city. The helicopter should not be extremely weapon equipped but it should be designed according to the situation, the kidnapping of the city’s leader being the case here.
JASON’S CAPTION: You know those days when everything turns out as planned and everyone is happy…
PANEL TWO
Now we see the indoors of the helicopter. Jason is crouching by the door of the helicopter and the pilot is at the seat flying the helicopter.
CAPTION: Well, that was yesterday.
1.PILOT: We’re here
PANEL THREE
Jason is now shown up close. He has a calm but enthusiastic look on his face.
JASON: The building has a glass roof, right?
PANEL FOUR
The pilot is shown up close. He should have appropriate pilot gear.
PILOT: Yes!
PANEL FIVE
CAPTION: I made a silly mistake and lost the mayor…
Jason opens helicopter door. The pilot has a furious/shocked expression on his face.
4.PILOT: Wait, what are you planning on-
PAGE TWO
This page has two panels, they are stacked on top of each other. The first panel takes up most of the page.
PANEL ONE
Jason is sky-diving through the air after jumping out of the helicopter. Jason has a cool/enthusiastic smile on his face.
CAPTION: …and I’m gonna get him back
1.JASON: Thanks
2.JASON (THOUGHT): I always thought doing this would be scary… I was right.
PANEL TWO
Now we see the pilot in the helicopter quite crazed and shocked.
3.PILOT: Crazy kid… He could have…I don’t get paid enough
“also do you think with his costume he needs to have an alter ego cause im still not sure if i want to go in that direction… what do ya think.” Rather than writing the story for the costume, I would recommend drawing the costume for the story. I don’t think he needs an alternate identity unless you want one. (Most lone superheroes do have one, but it’s not required).
thanks. for advice
“Alarmis city is on an island (refer to Rio de janeiro), but there should be a good deal of buildings that you would see in a city like New york or Chicago.” I think this reference to Rio could be clearer. (The phrase “refer to Rio de Janeiro” suggests to me that you’re looking for a city that has some other visual characteristics of Rio, like the massive slums mixed in with some NYC/Chicago-style skyscrapers). One possible rephrasing would be “Alarmis City is an on island (like New York City) and a lot of its buildings look like what you’d find in NYC or Chicago.”
“I also want the city to look pretty climbable since Jason does not have special abilities like flight so he has to manually climb but he will also have a grapple hook for faster travel so the buildings should play the part.” It may help to give some ideas of some things you have in mind here. Besides Batman’s gargoyles, I’m not sure what you could use to make a city look more climbable. (Funky suspended walkways between skyscrapers, I suppose, like in the Petronas Towers?)
“We’re here” could be more descriptive, I think–maybe say more about why they’ve come here.
I found it a bit hard to follow “I made a silly mistake and lost the mayor.” I wasn’t sure about the tense here. Is he talking about losing the mayor BEFORE the story began or is he narrating from the future here? If he’s talking about losing the mayor before the story begins, I’d recommend starting the story with that because I think it’d be easier to follow.
“The helicopter should not be extremely weapon equipped but it should be designed according to the situation, the kidnapping of the city’s leader being the case here.” Clarification question: Are these guys kidnapping the mayor or rescuing him? If they’re rescuing him, I’d recommend rephrasing this to “The helicopter should not be extremely well-armed but it should look appropriate for the mission (rescuing the kidnapped mayor).”
I think the new version of the final paragraph (“Crazy kid… He could have…. I don’t get paid enough) is a lot more funny. I’d recommend doing the final line (I don’t get paid enough) in its own bubble.
“I always thought doing this would be scary… I was right.” Could you show us that he’s scared?
I think the protagonist comes across as more lively than in the original version.
Yea I wanted him to be lively. The next pages will explain whats happening.
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Also I decided that the comics will be separated into different arcs(though some won’t necessarilly be in arcs). This will allow different writers and artist to write some of the comics.
So if any of you are interested tell me and we’ll work something out.
I have no idea when it comes to writing comics but it looks pretty good to me. The last line the pilot says is a bit weak though. “Crazy kid… He could have…I don’t get paid enough” It needs more emotion to it. Just saying it like that doesn’t really tell me if he is really angry, scared, or whatever.
Otherwise, it’s nice.
Hmmm. I’m not especially well-versed in proofreading storyboards for comics (Though I’d like to be).
There are a couple grammatical errors which in the worst case disrupt the flow of the script and give off an unprofessional vibe – it’s mainly missed periods and the like, though. Not much to worry about.
So far, the main issue for me seems to be that it’s kinda generic. I can’t find many details that soundly distinguish this script from any other. Right now, Jason still feels like the archetypal teen hero – is there anything else about him that would separate him from the norm?
Still, good work overall.
- Wings
“Right now, Jason still feels like the archetypal teen hero – is there anything else about him that would separate him from the norm?” That’s definitely a fair concern, Wings. Personally, I was pleased that he leapt out of a helicopter and (presumably) through a glass ceiling. It suggests to me that he’s a lot more reckless and adventurous than most teen heroes.
I would like the dialogue in panels 3-5 of page 1 to be a bit more distinct, though.
I feel the biggest issue is the proofreading.
Thanks for the comments will try to post some more very soon.
PAGE TWO
This page has two panels, they are stacked on top of each other. The first panel takes up most of the page.
PANEL ONE
Jason is sky-diving through the air after jumping out of the helicopter. Jason has a cool/enthusiastic smile on his face.
CAPTION: …and I’m gonna get him back
1.JASON: Thanks
2.JASON (THOUGHT): I always thought doing this would be scary… I was right.
PANEL TWO
Now we see the pilot in the helicopter quite crazed and shocked.
3.PILOT: Crazy kid… He could have…I don’t get paid enough
PAGE THREE
Now we introduced to the kidnappers of the mayor, “The Vandals”. On this page we start to see some action.
PANEL ONE
The glass roofed building is shown. It is obviously not in use anymore. It is a hall. Its a bungalow kind of building, quite long.
CAPTION: “The Vandals” a group of trigger-happy thugs and criminals whose idea of a tea-party is torturing people for the fun of it.
PANEL TWO
We now see indoors of the building. Some of the vandals are seen loitering around, others going through stuff there such as cabinets.
CAPTION: They are wanted for ten kidnappings, seven counts of torture and eleven shootings. I cant allow this to continue, that’s why I’m here.
PANEL THREE
The mayor is tied to a chair bolted to the ground. He looks scared/furious.
MAYOR: What do you want from me? I demand an answer!
PANEL FOUR
Now we see an object covered with a parachute crash through the glass roof. The object is like the size of a water dispenser.
“They are wanted for ten kidnappings, seven counts of torture and eleven shootings. I cant allow this to continue, that’s why I’m here.” Should we take his explanation for why he’s here at face value? (Would he be here if they had just stuck with kidnapping 9 non-mayors? Or is it just the mayor that got his attention?) I should probably note that it wouldn’t be a problem if he were selling his motivations as more noble than they actually are. Indeed, that might even be more interesting…
–In the list of offenses, I’d recommend working in something a bit more memorable. For example, if you’d like these establish that these are REALLY not nice people, you might mention one or two of the items they used to torture people. (Otherwise, I think the caption “They are wanted for ten kidnappings, seven counts of torture and eleven shootings” would be mostly redundant with “[they're] a group of trigger-happy thugs and criminals whose idea of a tea party is torturing people for fun.”
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How’s this for a synopsis…
“When an impulsive kid makes the mistake of becoming a vigilante it results in the loss of his father it scars him mentally. Some years later his family is in danger and he is forced to take up the mantle again.”.
What do you guys think?
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Next post will talk about my characters.
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Also what did you think of my review forums of the week?
Hmm… reading this so far, I do like your character, and I agree that he sounds a bit more distinct now in that he’s reckless and willing to jump out of a helicopter and through a glass ceiling to do his mission. xD You should keep this habit, he could become known for surprising the reader in his tactics. ^.^ (the recklessness could also be just as good as a character flaw…)
As for the synopsis, I think it’s pretty good, I caught a small grammar error “it results in the loss of his father it scars him mentally” doesn’t flow too great, how about “it results in the loss of his father, scarring him mentally”?
Thanks. Will change it.
Cool d,
I really like what I have seen so far. I especially like the synopsis. If I picked up a novel (I this is a comic book, but they dont general have a synopsis on the back) with that written on the back, I would definitely read the first chapter. As far as the scirpt goes, I like the captions from the first draft you posted. I know you only add a few words in the subsequent drafts, but I like the short and to the point version in the first draft. I think that version gives jason a more gritty and determined appearance.
Thanks glad you like it.
If your also interested in writing some comics, do tell.
“When an impulsive kid makes the mistake of becoming a vigilante it results in the loss of his father it scars him mentally. Some years later his family is in danger and he is forced to take up the mantle again.” This is interesting. The stakes are clear and, for the most part, I think the character comes across pretty smoothly.* I especially like that he’s been hurt by something that most readers would usually want the character to do (become a superhero). I’m also liking what I feel is sort of a twist on Peter Parker losing his uncle because he didn’t get involved in stopping a criminal. (Jason loses his father because he does get involved).
My biggest concern is that the sentence is a run-on, as Myna noted. I think her suggested correction (“…it results in the loss of his father, scarring him mentally”) is effective.
*I suspect that you could imply that the kid is impulsive rather than directly tell us. Also, I think it might help to replace “Some years” with a concrete number of years.
PS: I sometimes read too much into words used to describe the characters, so please feel free to disregard this if I’m the only one that mentions this, but describing him as a “kid” may suggest that he’s younger in the “now” of the story than he actually is. For example, if he were (say) eight years old, a reader could interpret “some years later” to guess that he’s around age 11 or 13 or whatever. Not a huge problem for most readers, I’m guessing. (For one thing, the character’s actual age will probably be reasonably clear from the cover art, right?)
Oh thanks bmac, glad you like it. I’m not sure about the “family in danger” part because his family is not in danger throughout the series, I feel that part only makes it feel like I’m summarizing the first issue only. What do you think I could change it to, or do you its alright.
Hmm. If his family being in danger is the main motivation for the story you’re pitching*, I think that’s fine as is. If there’s a better description for his primary motivation, I’d recommend mentioning that as well. For example, if you had to pitch Harry Potter in just a paragraph, you’d probably mention Harry going to Hogwarts (to get away from his abusive adopted family), but you’d also want to mention his conflict with Voldemort because the story isn’t mainly about Harry getting away from his abusive adopted family.
The good news is that you’ll have a page to make the pitch, not just two sentences, so you’ll have the space to convey everything the editors need to know.
…
*Are you pitching an arc (~3-6 issues, usually) or a one-shot/standalone comic? If you’re doing a one-shot/standalone, which is more publisher-friendly for an unpublished author, personally I’d spend most of the time talking about the issue you’re selling and only a bit about the longer story you’d like to tell in subsequent issues.
I’m glad you like it, though I’m not sure about the “family in danger” part because his family is not in danger the whole series, it’s makes me feel like I’m only summarizing the first issue of the comic. What do you think I should change it to, or do you think its alright?
Oh thanks. Sorry for the repeat, I didn’t think it was posted already.
Also bmac your script is helping me quite a lot I’m noticing how you’ve incorporated your tips into your writing.
Thanks. PS: You can see five sample pages illustrated here.
Bmac hi.
I wanted to know how much of my comic book I have to post before I start sending through your email.
PS. Your script was very entertaining I would definitely buy it if I saw it in a store. I just wish there was more to read…sigh.
I think publishers might get annoyed if a lot of the comic is “published” online in a publically accessible way. One way that I’ve seen online review groups get around that is to guard the files with a super-simple password. (Most publishers wouldn’t consider the script to be “published” online if there’s a password).
So, personally, when I post a script, I use a really simple password (my first name) to cover my ass. If you’d like to do a password, please send me a password-protected Word document either via e-mail or via my contact form and I’ll upload it for you. (If you’re not sure how to add a password to a Word document, please see this).
Another alternative would be to share your script privately via e-mail.
Either way, I wouldn’t recommend sharing more than a handful of comic book pages publically without a password? (5-10?)
PS: Thanks for your encouraging words about my script.
JASON BLAYZE- the main protagonist, looses his father when he makes a mistake of becoming a vigilante at the age of ten. Five years later he has to become that same vigilante to protect his family. Jason’s family owns a research and development company used for industrial purposes known as “BLAYZE INDUSTRIES”.
Skills: Jason inherited his father’s intelligence and mechanical expertise and thus uses this for making tools for crime fighting. He is an urban explorer and has some knowledge of parkour.
Personality: Although Jason is part of relatively rich family, he does not think of himself as better than anyone. He is a joker and is quite intelligent but he tends to over-think things and expects everyone to understand what he is thinking. Jason gets emotional whenever his dad is brought up in a conversation as he blames himself for his father’s death.
Equipment:grapple gun attached and resized to a glove. Stun pellets. Both are activated by a wrist flick. (he gains more equipment as the series progresses), a motorcycle.
Special abilities: none
I’m being very careful on restrictions on my comic book.
They are:
.No use of swear words
.No perversion
.No racial discrimination
.No sensual things
That’s all
This is because of sales so that younger age groups can read it which will increase sales. Also If I want an animation that everyone can enjoy it would be better this way.
Your character sounds pretty neat Cool D. ^.^ I like how even though he’s rich he doesn’t seem to depend on super-expensive or ridiculous weaponry in fights, just grapple-guns and stun pellets. It’s unusual, but it also shows that he doesn’t NEED super-expensive weapons to get by, making him more capable of a hero. I like it.
One thing though–I don’t like his last name. Blaze has been used, and used again, overused and abused for dashing young male protagonists so long that it’s way too recognizable. As in, it won’t say anything about your character. Perhaps changing the name to something more distinct/stands out?
Yea I’m glad that you like the character.
About the last name I know the name has been quite a lot, I couldn’t think of a distinct last name. His dad side is Blayze(notice the y) and his moms side is Allen. But I don’t think Jason Allen has a nice ring to it. Thats one reason I put the “y” so it’s Blayze not Blaze.
Only thing I could think of.
Will post some more profiles.
Very Nice I think the character reminds me of a generator rex type o guy.
Granted, I’m not an expert in the young adult target audience by any stretch. And I’m not sure how young you’re aiming for. However, if you wanted to, I think readers as young as ~13 could probably handle light swearing (like an occasional “hell” or “damn”). As for perversion, racial discrimination and “sensual things” (sex and drugs?), I can definitely see why those would be a tough sell in a kid-friendly comic. For example, I think covering racial discrimination is one of the main reasons Static Shock hasn’t caught on*.
*Other factors: Not enough differentiation from Spiderman, a mismatch between plot material that is unpleasant for most kids and other plot elements that are too juvenile to work for anybody else (“I’ll put a shock through yo’ system”), writing that’s more consistently good than great, characters that are sort of forgettable (instead of, say, J.J. Jameson or Dr. Octopus), etc.
Hi bmac happy new month, I wanted to know if you could change the summary of my forum to the synopsis of my comic, thanks
Okay, got it. “When an impulsive kid makes the mistake of becoming a vigilante it results in the loss of his father, which scars him mentally. Some years later his family is in danger and he is forced to take up the mantle again.”
Thanks a lot B.mac.
” As for perversion, racial discrimination and “sensual things” (sex and drugs?), I can definitely see why those would be a tough sell in a kid-friendly comic.”
Haha. I have to find a way to portray San Libre as gritty and savage, but keep the lighthearted tone. It’s going to take a lot of suggestion and euphemisms. I also have to make sure Showtime doesn’t kill his enemies and that no one is maimed* too violently and that Jimelly’s science doesn’t get too brutal (Doesn’t get much more brutal than Raxium). The racial aspect will be a little easier to handle and I don’t plan to make it a really big issue. Adrian’s demeanor makes my point clear enough on that. Bums will drink from paper bags, drugs will be implied, and it will only be implied that Adrian’s mother works in a shady business (I won’t specify in the story). I really want to use Lace so I’ll have to deal with her sexual nature in some weird fashion. No Bomb Queen, but just a little cheesecake (I can’t help it).
What could be a challenge is trying to sell my villain’s ‘doomsday device’. It’s called Love and it’s a mutagen that give one control over a being’s genetic stucture allowing you to control them and grant them abilities. It also brainwashes them to love unrestrained and increases their reproduction rate**. Yeah, sounds gross but I swear no orgies in the street and freak sexual assualt scenes. It’s a quick way to make a super army (I’ll emphasize this) and I like the idea of a villain who spreads love as a weapon. What do you think?
Hmm, maybe this wasn’t the best place to put this. Sorry, Cool D.
* I could always pull the red backdrop/black silhouette move, but I really don’t want people dying unless I’m trying to get a point across. Lots of comics are good with handling violence in an artistic or indirect manner. Spiderman comes to mind.
**Of course, he alters its use in his Body (his personal willdoers) so that they don’t want to mate all the time.
It’s okay ragged.
Also what do you think about my comic book so far.
I agree – “hell” and “damn” and other light curse words are probably okay to use. Already with the violence implied, you’re going to get a PG rating if not PG-13. Just watch out for the gore. Too much and people will complain about their child being exposed to violence.
He sounds a bit like a young Batman type character. Very Neat.
Thanks dani I’m glad you like him
From what I’ve read it sounds okay. I think Jason could use a little more fleshing, but he’s good. I was a little confused when I saw that he over-thinks things yet he’s impulsive. This could be a little clearer. I like his background, though, and the fact that you’re going for the gritty-lighthearted thing like me. Haha. How exactly has he been scarred mentally? If you play this properly it could be very interesting, if not, it may seem like a Batman knock-off.
As for his costume, I think regular clothes could work well if you don’t want him to look like a superhero. A leather jacket would provide moderate protection and seems appropriate. Maybe he could stylize it. I noticed he has longer hair so maybe he wears a ponytail while he’s hero-ing. Or a face-mask would make him more mysterious. My Showtime occasionally wears shades and scarves to conceal his identity (then again anything he’s wearing becomes his costume). The only reason I would think he needed to keep his identity a secret is so he doesn’t get into trouble with his father’s business.
I’m glad you like it.
About the impulsive and over thinking, he used to be impulsive as a younger child but after the incident with his dad he changes.
Hi guys just wanted to know if you guys have seen the green lantern trailer, I think I’ll give it a chance when it comes out.
Sorry about that.
Also what powers do you think I will be able to add to make the comic interesting without it feeling childish, cause I’m going for a realistic but not dark comic book, kind like the new show, Young justice (you should check it out). I’m kind of going for that feel except more serious.
PS. Bmac what’s with the captcha
I think most superpowers could be mature OR childish, depending on how they’re used. For example, Invisible Woman and Sylar have telekinetic powers, but Invisible Woman does more work with defensive forcefields and Sylar psychically decapitates people so that he can get at their brains. (That’s too dark, I’m guessing, but I’m just using that as an example).
For example, I think it’d be hard to do a protagonist gunman for kids and animal-themed powers tend to be more kiddy. But there are always exceptions. For example, I think Vixen’s ability to take on capabilities of various animals is more adult-friendly than Beast Boy’s ability to turn into various animals or Aquaman’s ability to psychically direct sealife. If you were dead-set on doing a superhero marksman for kids, one way you could tone down the grittiness would be to give him a laser (i.e. a nonlethal gun) or set him against enemies that can be freely shot (like robots, nonanimals, nonhumanoid aliens, Norwegians, most things that don’t bleed, etc).
I think the style also matters. For example, Wild Cards has a serious look at an archer that prefers bows because they’re quieter. That’s a strong reason to consider a weapon that might feel a bit wacky at first glance. The character’s background (Vietnam experience) also helps adults take him seriously, I think. In contrast, I feel that what I’ve seen of Green Arrow’s fighting style is more childish. Sticking a punching glove on the end of an arrow is not the height of seriousness. (I’m not very familiar with the character, but at a glance, I think there’s a major disconnect between plot material like drug addiction and political themes and a guy running around with stuff like glue arrows).
…
PS: My antispam plug-in (Akismet) added a captcha for people that haven’t logged in. The good news is that signing up is free and easy. Nevertheless, I’m not a fan of the captcha. Akismet was already doing a really good job of blocking spam and a pretty good job of leaving legitimate users alone.
Haha Norwegians, hilarious.
I decided not to trouble myself im now writing for an older teen age group this way there are less restrictions.
PS. I’m currently reading The Idiots guide to writing. It’s alright I guess.
I signed up
One of the antagonists in The Taxman Must Die is just called The Norwegian. He’s sort of like a Captain America, but since he’s Norwegian, he’s (obviously) a serial killing drug lord.
Originally, I had him down as The Colombian, but it really wasn’t wacky enough. Acceptable targets are just funnier, I guess.
I decided not to trouble myself im now writing for an older teen age group this way there are less restrictions
Hi guys i know im always on about the super identity thing.
I like what ragged boy said about the reason for double identity, to protect the business.
with the realistic feel im trying to get what do you think i could use to hide his identity (apart from a hood, its been over used), without making it look childish.
ps. banks are a pain almost got pick pocketed… almost.
I sometimes use helmets. Now, my characters are mostly feds, so they have access to equipment along the lines of a SWAT team or sometimes Iron-Man, but there are some low-cost helmets that might be more plausible for your character. Some paintball helmets look pretty good and are sort of functional. Here are two that I think look adult-friendly.
).
(On this next one, you’d probably want to cut out the camera
Another option would be a ski-mask or a balaclava (like Lash uses in the Superhero Nation header), but I think they sort of look more criminal and not as heroic.
Thanks bmac i just decided that i wont go overboard with the double identity thing
Hoodie and sun glasses might work well. Having work with the us army special forces in the past, I can tell you the keeping ones identity a secret is not all that hard. Mostly, they avoid cameras and hide behind a beard and sunglasses ( the kind that wrap around the face). I meet up with one a few years ago and didn’t recognize him at first. I know you main character is a teen, so no facial hair, but I think the basic principle is the same. As long as he not a public figure obscurring the eyes or mouth should work well.
“Mostly, they avoid cameras…” That could be very difficult for a superhero without Batman-level stealth skills. Especially if he’s doing battle royales in public, like a lot of heroes do. (Spidey, Superman and Iron-Man come to mind).
Thanks guys. ive been busy but will start to post some more things soon.
Ok i made some changes to page 3 and im posting some more, here it goes.
—-
Page 3
Panel 1. A glass roofed mansion is shown. This is the mayor’s mansion so it should be depicted accordingly(not too extravagant but appropriate).
JASON CAPTION: “The Vandals” a group of trigger-happy thugs and criminals whose idea of a tea party is torturing people for the fun of it.
Panel 2. The interior of the building is shown here. Some of the Vandals are loitering around in the building and others going through things like cabinets and drawers.
JASON’S CAPTION: I’ve been tracking them for some time now, but they have no specific M.O thus making them unpredictable so I haven’t been successful.
Panel 3.The mayor is tied to a chair bolted to the ground. He looks scared/furious.
MAYOR: What do you want from me? I demand an answer!
Panel 4. Now we see an object covered with a parachute crash through the glass roof. The object is the size of a desktop CPU.
Page 4
Panel 1. One of the high ranking vandals commands some other vandals to see what happened. He should look different from the others.
LEADER VANDAL: Go check it out!
Panel 2. One of the other vandals responds out of anger.
COMPLAINING VANDAL : You ain’t the boss of me.
Panel 3. We see Jason creeping along a support beam.
JC (JASON’S CAPTION): But today…
Panel 4. The high ranking vandal raises his gun at the the complaining vandal. The pistol should not look too realistic, there should be some exaggeration, like size etc. This is for restriction reasons. The complaining vandal is scared his hands are up in the air.
COMPLAINING VANDAL : Hey, calm down! I’ll get right to it.
Panel 5. The complaining vandal notices something on the support beams.
COMPLAINING VANDAL : Huh, what’s that-
Page 5
Panel 1. This panel takes up about half of the page. Jason is shown dive-kicking the complaining vandal after jumping off the support beam.
JC: I think I’ve just hit the jackpot!
HIGH RANKING VANDAL (OFF PANEL): Get ‘im!
Panel 2. Jason is standing confidently with the complaining vandal unconscious on the floor.
JASON: Someone had to shut him up.
Panel 3. The high ranking vandal orders the other vandals to shoot Jason. He is pointing his finger while the others are pointing their guns at Jason.
HIGH RANKING VANDAL: Fire!
Page 6
Panel 1. Jason is dodging to the side behind a table while bullets are flying towards him.
JASON: I’m sensing a bit of hostility here.
Panel 2. Jason pushes the table to the side to protect himself from the bullets.
JASON: Have you guys ever thought that maybe, just maybe if you asked nicely I would allow you to blast me to bits. Just a thought.
Panel 3. Jason is looking through his backpack for a smoke disc-like grenade while parts of the table are destroyed by the bullets.
JASON: Now where did I put that.
Panel 4. Jason is holding up the disc-like grenade with a smirk on his face.
JASON: Perfect!
Panel 5: Jason throws the grenade over the table towards the vandals.
Thats some for now what do you think.
–The captions could be more interesting. For example, “The Vandals” a group of trigger-happy thugs and criminals whose idea of a tea party is torturing people for the fun of it… I’ve been tracking them for some time now, but they have no specific M.O thus making them unpredictable so I haven’t been successful.” I think this could be shortened to something like “I’ve been tracking the Vandals for months, but the closest I’ve gotten was a witness that got nails hammered through his eyes. Word got out pretty fast they don’t like witnesses.”
–”You ain’t the boss of me.” This sounds more like a playground retort than something a gang member would say to somebody that is actually his leader. (He is the leader, right?) PS: “You ain’t the boss of me” may raise unintended questions in the reader’s mind about whether the leader actually is a leader.
–I’d recommend shortening “I think I’ve hit the jackpot!” because this is a combat panel. Maybe “Jackpot!”?
–The exchange between the leader and his complaining underling should be more memorable, I feel. This scene feels like something out of Batman, so I think that stylistic elements (like the dialogue) are quite important to distinguishing yours.
–I liked “Have you guys ever thought that maybe, just maybe if you asked nicely I would allow you to blast me to bits. Just a thought.” It made me snicker. I sort of groaned at “I’m sensing a bit of hostility here.”
Theo ‘Dwift’ Allen-
Jason Blayze’s 15 year old physically challenged cousin. He shares the same (and maybe better) mechanical and electronics expertise as his cousin. At the age of eleven, Jason convinced a reluctant Theo to a free-running race across buildings in Alarmis city. Theo eventually lost his grip on the side of a building and fell, paralysing him from the waist down.
Personality- Jason blames himself for what happened to his even though Theo does not. Theo is kind at heart, but this usually makes him too trusting and naive which causes a lot of problems. Jason did not want Theo to help him on his missions because he was afraid of what would happen to his cousin but Theo argued until Jason gave in. Theo is one of the few people that can get to Jason emotionally as he was the one that motivated him into becoming the Blazer.
skills and equipment- Theo acts as a monitor for jason on his vigilante missions, and is also an expert hacker. Before he was paralysed Theo was one of the best free runners in Alarmis city even competing with others relatively older than him. Theo’s hacker name is ‘Dwift’.
Hope you guys like it.
In my comic book before this, theo was supposed to have super speed.
Jason was pyrokinetic.
Who woulda guessed.
Theo is not all goody goody, I wasn’t able to put in his bad side. He used to be very proud when he wasn’t paralysed. And he can get very angry since he bottles up some of his anger at the things he will not be able to do anymore.
This place is awfully quiet.
I think it’s easier to comment on script pages than character outlines.
It may help to distinguish Dwift more from Barbara Gordon/Oracle, another physically disabled hacker/computer specialist. I think his flaws (like his anger) could be interesting, especially because he doesn’t fit the physically aggressive stereotype of an angry protagonist.
ok thanks.
hope yor surgery goes well.
Hey! Sorry for being out so long, Spring Break equals running all over the place for me >.>;;
On the character profile:
I like how even though he’s paralysed he still seems to have a major role in the story. A lot of times superhero comic books and novels focus so much on the strength that anyone with a disadvantage is just shoved to the sidelines, or killed. I agree with B. Mac though, on distinguishing him from Oracle as well as other hacker stereotypes and tropes. Curious, when does he come into the story?
This is really good. Writing comic books is very hard, but you’re doing a good job. I especially like page 1. Keep up the good work!
as 1 of the writers of this comic it is imperative that the bios of each character be submitted to me cool d. you forgot to hand them to me when we met earlier on today. maybe you could mail them to me and how do i join this site yours forever faithful mustaphalic
Musta you joined…great, will send them.
Bmac I’m planning on sending to dark horse but I have a problem, when writing the script do I write dialogue in uppercase. I’m not sure if I should leave it like this or in uppercase.
According to Dark Horse’s script format and specifications, “Typing the dialogue in standard upper- and lowercase, flush-left, with no tabs or other formatting makes it easy for dialogue to be copied and pasted onto the comics page.” The name should be all-caps, though. For example…
B. MAC:
What’s the difference between the Cubs bullpen and Pizza Hut?
COOL D:
Pizza Hut delivers.
Haha thanks. I was not sure about that in the script format but thanks.
Are you still submitting to dark horse?
I’m also stuck between two names for the comic book. “Maverick” and “Blayze”. What do think I’m not sure if maverick has been taken though.
Yeah, I’m submitting to DH. I’ve been procrastinating like crazy, though.
…
I believe Maverick is already taken.
Still procrastinating tsk.
Anyway about lettering, blambot have nice free fonts but they say the fonts can only be used for independent comics and not mainstream comics like dc and dh. So would it makes sense to use blambot fonts just to show dark horse how a finished page would look like and change it to another font during final publication. Or will that still count as using it for mainstream comics. Thanks.
Page 7 ( 5 panels)
Panel 1. The grenade lands on the ground in between the vandals that were shooting at Jason with gas coming out from four holes at different positions of the grenade and the vandals coughing.
Panel 2. Jason moves out of his hiding spot and starts running towards the mayor.
JASON: Now for Mr.Mayor.
Panel 3. The Vandal “guarding” the mayor becomes agitated and pulls a gun to the mayor’s head. Lets call him GV. The mayor is very scared.
GV: Don’t come any closer, I’m serious or the mayor meets his maker very quickly.
Panel 4. Jason has stopped, he’s pretty close to the mayor now. Jason has a startled expression on his face.
JC: Crud! I should have thought this through.
Panel 5. The same view as panel 4 except Jason has a smug look on his face now.
Note to artist: You can zoom in closer to Jason’s face if you want but it should still be the same view as Panel 4.
JC: … Unless.
Page 8
Panel 1. Jason starts walking closer towards the mayor and the vandal. I want Jason to look cool on this page so whatever you could do to that effect would be appreciated.
GV: You deaf or something? I said stay back!
Panel 2. A close up shot of Jason talking to the vandal.
JASON: I know you’re not going to shoot him, if you were you would have done it already.
Panel 3: The vandal is quite scared and shaky.
GV: What makes you think I won’t do it now?
Panel 4: Jason still has a smug look on his face.
JASON: You’re shaky and I can hear the anxiety in your voice, you’re new… aren’t you? Some spoilt rich kid I’m guessing.
Panel 5. Close up view of the mayor, he is shocked, his mouth is open wide.
JASON (OP): I know you won’t because you’re afraid of what the other Vandals will do to you if you shoot him.
JASON (CONTINUED IN ANOTHER SPEECH BUBBLE): Or are you afraid of what I might do to you. Should have stayed home with mommy and daddy.
Page 9
Panel 1. The scared vandal aims the gun at Jason.
GV: Is that a–
JASON: And please don’t ask if that was a threat, its kinda cliche–
Panel 2. Jason is still smiling.
JASON: –when you know its obviously a threat. What did you think the slow walking and smug look was for?
Panel 3. The scared Vandal still shaky drops the gun and kneels down.
GV: Why am I doing this? *sniff*. Who are you?
Panel 4. Jason is now relaxed, the smug look is gone.
JC: Finally, now to get the mayor out while the vandal is calm.
JASON: I’m-
Panel 5. Jason turns around swiftly to see one of the other terrorists about to hit him with a plank of wood from the debris.
Note to artist: You can stretch this scene into a sixth panel if you’d like.
JC: Crud!
“[Blambot] fonts can only be used for independent comics and not mainstream comics like DC and DH. So would it makes sense to use Blambot fonts just to show DH how a finished page would look like and change it to another font during final publication? Or will that still count as using it for mainstream comics?” I’m not a lawyer, but I think that’d be fine. (I think your comic would only meet their definition of “mainstream” after you sign a contract with a major publisher and not before).
Hey guys I posted some more. I think I’m going to start posting other parts of the story because publishers don’t like too much information on the internet… I think.
What do ya think about the post.
Is anyone able to review the latest post.
I’ll get on it as soon as possible, but I’m still working on reviews for Contra Glove and Crystal at the moment.
oh cool
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/50-incorrect-pronunciations-that-make-you-look-dumb/ from daily writing tips. You’d be surprised how many times these are said.
Hi guys have been out for sometime, I’m going to be posting a different version of the first comic I want to see which one people like the most… Though the first version is viable until I see which one is preferred.
So like two different versions of your comic? Works well for me, can’t wait to see what you’ve got. ^.^
Hey guys this is my character in civilian clothing http://damzo.deviantart.com/art/MY-CHARACTER-207938958
Art by my artist
Colours by me.
What do you think?
It’s pretty good!
I like it!
I have some concerns, Cool D.
–I feel like the character’s right arm/shoulder looks off. Namely, the arm should be straight along the length of the humerus (from the shoulder to the elbow). The left arm is better, but try sticking your hand in your pocket. I think the most comfortable, natural way to put your hand in your pocket is to put your arm straight down. He’s got his elbow at an awkward angle that would be very uncomfortable.
–His right arm seems really thin relative to the rest of his body.
–The way his white shirt billows out at the top sort of suggests he has breasts.
–Is his white shirt tucked in or not? On his left side, some is hanging out and billowing, which suggests that it’s not tucked in. On his right side, it feels like his shirt IS tucked in because it stops at the pants even though it looks like it should go further. If the t-shirt isn’t tucked in, I think it would look more natural if it went down farther. (When I experimented with the t-shirt I was wearing, the shirt covered about 40-50% of the distance between the top of my pants and the crotch).
–This could be a perspective problem on my part, but I feel like the artist got thrown off by the billowing red shirt on the character’s right side. See picture at bottom.
Thanks for the input bmac. Will inform the artist.
Hey bmac is it allowed to feature a real location or city in a comic book without any legal arrangements.
I’m not a lawyer, but I think it depends. If you wanted to use a public building or landmark, like the White House or Mount Rushmore, that would be fine. However, if you wanted to use a private location, it would probably be helpful to use a fictional analogue. For example, Tom Clancy made up GlobalPark as an analogue for EuroDisney in Rainbow Six because Disney would not have been amused by the implication that Disney’s guests were at some risk of terrorist attack.
If you wanted to use the Sears (Willis) Tower in a skyline of Chicago, that would be acceptable because city skylines cannot be copyrighted. However, the image of individual private buildings CAN be copyrighted, so focusing on the building itself could be problematic. For this reason, superhero teams and supervillains usually get their own buildings added to the skyline (like the Baxter Building or whatever).
Hey guys have been off for a while, schoolwork and working on second version of the script.
Glad to see my friend, mustaphalic here on the site, hope he wont be a pain.
——
I have a question, do any of you guys know where i can read comic book scripts online thanks.
Hey I decided I’m going to be writing the comic in arcs. Comic 1-7 is called Blayze: Rising. More info on that coming later. This means that other arcs are still in the same order as in, the first arc is 1-7, the second is 8-11 like that.
What do you think?
Also bmac how would it work if more than one writer was writing the same comic. As in different writers writing different arcs or would that be a problem after I’ve submitted to a publisher. Or do we have to submit together, I hope it isn’t confusing.
In this particular case, I’d recommend submitting your proposal for the first arc (or ideally a standalone issue in the hopes that the publisher later asks you to expand it into an arc). I’d recommend bringing up your ideas for the second arc after you’ve gotten the first one published. At that point, you’ll have a personal relationship with your editor and the editor will already be well-acquainted with the series, which I think will make the editor more receptive to an unusual arrangement.
Let’s say, best case scenario, the publisher DOES publish the first arc and is pleased enough with the sales to desire a second arc. What would be the advantage of switching to a new writer? I’d expect the editor to have at least two concerns: 1) He/she wouldn’t know how good this other author is and 2) by this point, the audience for this series has grown attached to your writing.
…
In general, I think working with a team of writers is more difficult than writing alone. I generally would not recommend it for unpublished authors because:
1) It’s rare enough that ONE author is good enough to impress a publisher, let alone BOTH. If one of the authors is good enough and the other isn’t, I would expect that the publisher would get scared away.
2) I don’t think there’s much of a benefit to it? For example, one advantage of having two published authors work together would be that they BOTH have established audiences, so the book has two pools of potential readers built in. Two unpublished authors don’t bring that sort of benefit to the table.
“Hope he won’t be a pain.” I’ve only interacted with him a bit, but he seems pleasant.
Dwayne Duffie has a few free comic book scripts online here.
Thanks bmac, I’m really glad he isn’t a pain.
Thanks for the info on multiple writers and editors. I’ll be posting the first few pages of version 2 in about a week.
Okay guys now I’m posting the first few pages of version 2, I can’t post it all though if you want it I’ll send it to you via email (ask). Hope you enjoy. Pls comment.
PAGE ONE (3 panels)
Panel 1. Establishing shot. It is around 10pm in the night in he city of Alarmis. We see a limousine (the main attraction in this panel) surrounded by screaming adoring fans and media. A red carpet scene. The event is being held at a big event centre, name it something like “The Crystal Galore”, with glaring lights around the building. Maybe in the distance we can see some of the other buildings in the area.
1 CAPTION (JASON): The cameras, the glaring lights, the fame and fortune…
Panel 2. A chauffeur opens a door of the limousine to reveal a man stepping out of the limo. We can only see part of the man’s legs, the rest of his body is in shadow because he is still partly in the limo.
Panel 3. We see the hyper screaming fans, predominantly female fans but add some noticeable men as well. They are at the sides of the red carpet, held away by metal fences (search for red carpet entrance on the internet). We still do not see the man yet.
CAPTION (JASON): …the occasional screaming creepy fans.
SCREAMING FANS: ahhhh! We love you!
PAGE TWO (3 PANELS)
Panel 1. This is the biggest panel on the page. It shows a popular actor around 19 or 20 years old. He is of medium height not too tall or short. Give him baggy trousers and an open long sleeve leather jacket, make his shoes generic enough for legal reasons. He has a pair of black sunglasses on, and a cleanly cut beard and mustache as well as a cap on his head.
CAPTION (JASON): The life!
CAPTION (JASON): Funny thing, though, that’s not me. That’s just a “professional” actor that won an award for saying one line in some new movie that I couldn’t care less about.
Panel 2. In this panel it is sometime in the afternoon. We are looking at a particular building with red bricks. It is a 3-storey building with 1 horizontal window (six small windows stacked= 3 by 3 arrangement) on each storey. Its sides are pillars of red bricks stacked against each other. It is a medium shot. Forward view. The front of the building. A bomb timer is ticking in the building. We can see other smaller buildings in the background.
SFX: Beep Beep
Panel 3. The same view and angle as panel 2 but we zoomed in closer to the building. We can now see a faint shadow of someone behind the glass of the highest level of the building. The timer is ticking faster now.
SFX: Beep Beep Beep Beep
3. CAPTION (JASON): Me? Well…
PAGE THREE – FOUR (DOUBLE PAGE )
Panel 1. This is a dramatic up 3/4 view of Jason Blayze in mid air outside the building with the ticking bomb. The bomb has exploded on this page and Jason has been pushed out of the building by the force of the explosion, he is falling backwards considering he was pushed back first out of the window. His short sleeve leather jacket swirls in the wind. This should be very detailed as this is the first time we are seeing Jason the readers should get a very good view of him. Also we can see some shorter buildings in the background, there is also a building close to Jason with a fire escape platform that he will use soon, so it should be evident.
1.CAPTION (JASON): … this is me, Jason Blayze!
TITLE: BLAYZE (use logo)
Secret Origins
Part 1: MIxed Emotions
CAPTION (JASON): For some strange reason I always find myself in these kind of situations. I guess my life is just full of interesting events…
CAPTION (JASON): … not all of them pleasant.
PAGE 5
Panel 1. Here we still see Jason falling down from a different angle his time, preferably from an upward view.
1. CAPTION (JASON): Lets put it like this, the explosion that sent me flying is one of the least painful things that has happened to me.
Panel 2. Jason quickly grabs the ledge of a fire escape platform. The platform is still some height above the ground.
CAPTION (JASON): I tried to foil a bombing attempt by a new mob trying to get attention. Boy Scouts motto: Be prepared.
Panel 3. Here we see Jason climbing into the platform. This is a smaller panel.
Panel 4. We see Jason sitting on the platform, he is panting, overwhelmed by the explosion.
SFX: Sigh
Panel 5. This is a smaller panel. It shows a side of the platform breaking out of the wall due to the immediate impact of Jason landing on it, as well as corrosion and weakness of the building and platform over the years.
Panel 6. Now we see Jason’s face and part of his torso. He has a tired and shocked expression on his face. He has small bruises around his face.
3. JASON: You’ve got to be kidding me.
4. CAPTION (JASON): I was never a boy scout.
That’s some for now what do you guys think?
What do you guys think ? Which opening do you prefer, this or the original.
Still thinking. I’ll have something today or tomorrow.
Hey! Sorry for not commenting in awhile, but finals are over now so school’s pretty much become a joke, haha. In any case, I have more time to be online, so. ^.^ It’s good.
On version two of your comic script-
* I may have missed this, but why is the city called Alarmis? It’s an unusual name for a town.
* Lol, I like the beginning with the actor and his insane adoring fans. xD It’s an interesting way to open the series.
* “Funny thing, though, that’s not me. That’s just a “professional” actor that won an award for saying one line in some new movie that I couldn’t care less about.” Perhaps you could cut this line down a small bit?
* It’s pretty cool how at first you have this big red carpet extravaganza and it flips immediately to a bomb. I like that, it’s a good contrast between what Jason does vs. the useless actor.
* “… not all of them pleasant.” this is unneccesary, as we can tell getting thrown out of a building by an explosion is certainly not pleasant. Maybe he could say something that shows a sarcastic (or dark) humor here, that would establish his voice more. I really liked the lines at the beginning of page 5 more ’cause they were clever and showed his sarcasm, for example.
* “I was never a boy scout.” xD
Sorry I don’t have much to critique, but overall I liked this opening more, mostly ’cause of the way Jason spoke in this one vs. the original. (I also felt like the kidnapping-the-mayor thing in the original was kinda overdone.) Good work, can’t wait to see what you have up next!
Thanks myna, i thought there was too much action in the openin of the first one. i want to develop the character in this one more. I’ll give you the summary of the chapter i need you to write soon. … still waiting on bmacs comment.
Hey, i just did the mary sues test, and there was a tragic backstory question which i answered “yes” to. If that makes Jason a “mary sue” what other situation or reason could i use that motivates Jason into becoming a vigilante.
If i change his motivation that means his father would still be alive.
—-
Myna this might require your help since you’re writing an issue.
I think the concept of page 1 (having the character offering commentary on the celebrity making his arrival) is quite interesting. It’s more interesting than the original setup, I feel. However, I think it could be executed more effectively. For example, could you work in Jason’s opinions so that it’s clearer the person delivering the captions isn’t the celebrity stepping out of the limo? (Also, I’d like his captions to be more memorable—“The cameras, the glaring lights, the fame and fortune…” is all pretty much implied by the shrieking fans, the journalists and the limo).
“The life!” First, this doesn’t sound natural to me. I couldn’t see a real person delivering this line? Second, it makes him sound like he’s really impressed by this guy and/or his life. That’s really at odds with his next bubble (“that’s just a ‘professional’ actor that won an award for saying one new line in some new movie that I couldn’t care less about.”)
I’d recommend showing more and telling less. So, let’s take the phrase “…that won an award for saying one line in some new movie that I couldn’t care less about.” I think “that I couldn’t care less about” could be eliminated because calling it “some new movie” clearly implies that he doesn’t care that much about it. He doesn’t need to tell us he doesn’t care about it. Also, in terms of believability, it seems off that he won an award for delivering a single line. I’d recommend switching that from “won an award for saying one line” to “won an award for looking pretty” or something similarly mocking. Also, I’d like you to SHOW us that the narrator is not the actor rather than have him narrate “Funny thing, though, that’s not me.” (That phrase sets up an unfavorable comparison to Kickass #1, I feel).
–I don’t really feel like the visual in page 2, panel 1 is interesting enough to justify giving it much space. Also, please make it clearer to your artist what sort of impression you’re going for on this character. (PS: If you trust your artist, I’d recommend giving him/her more latitude on the details, like what he’s wearing. If you don’t trust your artist, get a new one before moving forward).
–I feel like Jason could show us something interesting about himself. When he says “Me? Well… This is me, Jason Blayze!”, I think it falls a bit flat because he hasn’t done enough to distinguish himself from other superheroes.
“For some strange reason I always find myself in these kind of situations. I guess my life is just full of interesting events…” Sorry, but I would have passed on the script at this point. First, if the events are interesting, he shouldn’t have to tell the readers that. (It should be clear to us, right?) Second, it suggests that he’s just wandering around and HAPPENED to stumble upon a crime in progress. Rather than using a contrivance (he happened to be there when a crime broke out), I think he’d seem more impressive if he were at this event because he suspected something were up. Third, if you had to use a setup like “For some reason, I always find myself in these kinds of situations,” I think it’d be more interesting to say something like “For some reason, things always seem to blow up when I’m around.”
I agree with Myna that “…not all of them pleasant” fell a bit flat for me.
“Lets put it like this, the explosion that sent me flying is one of the least painful things that has happened to me.” The phrase “let’s put it like this” can be removed. I feel it doesn’t add enough to justify its space. Second, “The explosion that sent me flying is one of the least painful things that has happened to me” is less distinct than “It wasn’t nearly as bad as [PREVIOUS PAINFUL EXPLOIT]”—maybe getting hit by a car or getting set on fire.
“Boy Scouts motto: Be prepared….” Prediction: He’s going to say something like “Like I was ever a Scout.” (At least, that’s how Jackie Chan Adventures played it).
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” “I was never a Boy Scout.” First, the Boy Scout line is cliché (see above). Second, these two lines don’t transition into each other really smoothly. It seems out-of-place that he says “I was never a Boy Scout” when he does. (Is there anything in particular that prompts him to say it then? For example, is he in a situation when he’s about to do something really un-scoutish, like beating up a criminal or something?)
There are some grammatical issues.
Thanks for the advice, i had no idea there were so many mistakes and problems with the script. Thats what the website is for anyway, thanks so much.
I will be sure to rectify the mistakes… wow, so happy i found the site.
“I had no idea there were so many mistakes and problems with the script.” Ehh, no worries there. I think it happens to everybody. (For example, if you’ve looked at any of the drafts on my review forum, you can see how they started off extremely incoherent and got gradually better–and I’m still at least a few drafts away from publishable).
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“Hey, i just did the mary sues test, and there was a tragic backstory question which i answered “yes” to. If that makes Jason a “mary sue” what other situation or reason could i use that motivates Jason into becoming a vigilante.”
* That’s actually not a problem. When you take a Mary Sue test, each little option slowly amps up your score, but having a FEW of the options will not make your character a Sue. For example, Jason may have a tragic backstory, but a legit Mary Sue would have the tragic backstory, superpowers beyond those physically possible, they would be beautiful beyond compare, everyone would fall in love with the Sue, etc. A Mary Sue is a COMBINATION of many factors. Having just one of those factors will not make him a Sue.
For example, one of my characters in another story loses his girlfriend in the course of the novel. On several Mary Sue tests, ‘losing a lover’ is one of the factors. However, he wasn’t a Sue because he didn’t have like five million factors all jumbled up into one character–just a few.
Hope that made sense, heh o-o;;
Based on what I’ve seen so far, I’m not anticipating significant Mary Sue issues for this character. Some authors use a traumatic backstory to ratchet up the level of wangst (ridiculously overblown self-pity), but I’d be really surprised if that were the case here. Unless he starts dropping lines like “MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!!!“, I think you’re fine.
…
One potential concern about the parents dying is that it’s a plot device that gets used quite often (ahem, more than a taser at a hippie convention). If you do it, make sure it’s original enough that he won’t feel like all of the other Bruce Waynes and Peter Parkers and Clark Kents out there.
Thanks, I was confused about that.
@myna, thanks for that I wasn’t sure about that.
@bmac, I guess I’ll improve on the scripts overtime. Also, I felt that the parents’ thing was done all the time, but I wanted Jason to have motive. I also didn’t want him to be a young Bruce Wayne(gloomy and dull), I actually tweaked the story a bit. Friends wanted me to give him extravagant powers but I didnt want to give him any. It soon got to me and decided to give him ‘enhanced visual acuity’, which is kind of a mix of Kato’s(green hornet) ability and detective vision from batman arkham asylum. What do you think? If I do this I could keep his dad alive and make him related to Jason’s ability somehow. Which would give opening to ‘Olympian project’ arc that i asked myna to write. I hope it isn’t confusing, i wanted to spice up the story a little.
Also good luck on your English teaching job.
What is ‘detective vision’?
http://batman.wikia.com/wiki/Batman:_Arkham_Asylum
That’s detective vision. Myna.
Okay, cool
What do you think does it make him sound like an android, or does it make him feel overpowered.
I really doubt any variety of enhanced vision would be overpowered.
“I really doubt any variety of enhanced vision would be overpowered.”
Haha, i just dont know if giving him powers would attract more readers, do you think i should give him powers or leave him be, what powers should i give him…if any?
I dont want to keep giving jason more overpowered powers to keep readers interested.
—-
im lost!
Does Jason’s universe already have superheroes, or would he be the only one?
They’re are others, but in the Blayze universe superheroes are a recent phenomena. There were quite a few before and new ones are starting to emerge. The old ones were hunted down for their abilities, but jason is trying to prove that even if he doesnt have powers or has a very weak one, he can make a difference.
Okay, gotcha. ‘Cause whether or not there were previous superheroes in his universe, that would make a huge difference as to whether he should have powers or not, and how that would affect him.
Right now I’m thinking he could do perfectly well as a badass normal, but if you want to go for the enhanced vision thing, you could do that as well, either works. ^.^
Would ‘eragon’ be considered as a good book.
Hey guys, I’ve heard Alarmis is an odd name for a city, what names would you suggest.
Most of the city names I’m familiar with use hard sounds (i.e. Boston, Chicago, New York City, Seattle, London, Baghdad, Sydney, etc). Alarmis sounds unusual to me for a number of reasons. First, its sounds are soft, particularly the starting a. Second, the -is ending is really strange for a US city name. There are a few English-language words that use an -is suffix (like crisis and osmosis), but very few everyday ones. Third, it has the word “alarm” built into it, which looks a bit strange to me.
…
“Would Eragon be considered as a good book?” Personally, I would not consider it good. It’s not very creative or memorable, but most of its target readers (young adults) probably haven’t read enough books to get bored by rehashes yet. (In contrast, the market I’m most familiar with, superhero comic books, is dominated by older readers that are familiar with many more series and have a sharper eye for works that set themselves apart from the pack).
Eragon isn’t one of the five most awful books I’ve read, but I think most writers older than 15 could do better. The only thing about Eragon’s writing that I would use as an example for other writers is that it’s pretty easy to follow.
As for Eragon… personally, I really hated the book, but I’m not a high-fantasy person though, so that’s a bit of a biased answer. I found the character was really cliche, and he spoke more like a scholar than the illiterate farmboy he was supposed to be. Plus it took 50 pages for ANYTHING to happen. And I’m an impatient reader. xD
As for the city, the thing that jumped out at me most was the ‘Alarm’ part in the city name. It suggests to me that the city is extremely dangerous (I think?) but it also suggests that very bluntly, you don’t need to have it so blunt if that’s what you were going for. ^.^ If that’s not what you were going for, however, then it’s a lot of unintentional foreshadowing…
Hey guys, a random question.
Who do you think is the best comic book writer, both marvel and dc.
I like Geoff Johns, am i alone.
I’m not familiar enough with his writing to comment, but Geoff Johns was REALLY involved in the Green Lantern movie. Some anonymous people have blamed him for how badly it turned out.
Hey guys what do you think about this artist’s work on the Flash and Damian Wayne pictures? http://damzo.deviantart.com/
I like the style for the comic. Your comments!
Not bad!
Jeez, I wish that I could draw like that…I can only do cartoons.
How long did it take to make those?
Thanks Crystal, it took him about 1hr for each. Glad you like it… I was looking for a style other than the first artist (not that he was bad). im waiting on his design for Jason before i make my choice.
Hey so bmac do you prefer this artist to the other one?
The artist is really good at the glowing effects in coloring, like in the Thor and Batman Returns pictures. The glow effect is REALLY hard to get down.
“Hey, B. Mac, do you prefer this artist to the other one?” Who was the other one? (I tried looking through your forum to see if I could find the other for a comparison, but I only found links to Damzo’s DA page).
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Which aspects of the art would this artist be doing for you? (Pencils, inks, color or all of the above?) In terms of coloring, I thought this Batman turned out pretty well. (The direction of the lighting struck me as a bit inconsistent–for example, I feel that any light that hit his abs like that would also hit his right hand and left wrist, right?) I’m a bit more concerned about this Batman, though. First, his lighting effects have (inadvertently, I think) turned the monitors in the focal points of this page. Second, I have no idea why the bat logo on Batman’s chest is glowing. (Why would he have a light-bulb or light-reflector on his chest? That’d be a major liability if he were trying to hide in the dark?) Third, I feel like the glare off the monitors makes Barbara’s head a bit painful to look at.
In terms of coloring special effects (like superpowers, lasers, fire, explosions, etc), I’m not feeling his fire or smoke. If you have any superpowers that will require energy glows, I’d take a long, hard look at Gambit’s glowing cards. I think Thor’s hammer turned out better, but I think there are still some avenues for improvement. (For example, why do some of the lightning bolts have ink outlines when the others don’t?)
In terms of his pencils, I thought Barry Allen turned out well. I like the expression. Damian Wayne, not so much, I feel. The proportions on DW’s head seem strange to me. It might be his pout, but I feel like the lips should be wider relative to the nose than they are here. Also, I feel like his cheek’s a bit puffy.
I haven’t seen much of his ink-work yet, but it looks sort of shaky so far. For example, this. I’d like more confident, longer strokes. I sort of get the impression he’s hesitantly doing short strokes when inking–I think that’s why the inked lines are so jagged. (For example, why’s there a black blotch on the outline of the guy’s left elbow? I think it’s because he started with one line, hesitated/had second thoughts, picked up his pen and put it down a few centimeters off where the first line had been, and the result is sort of a mess). Does that make sense?
Hey thanks for the comments.
@myna, the colours were done by a colorist that tried out. i’m glad you like it.
@bmac, the other artist was the guy that drew the previous Jason picture that you commented on. the new artist was the one that drew the Barrry Allen image and Damian Wayne. He only applied for the artist position. Im still looking for an inker, though. I will tell the artist that you liked The Flash picture.
His colors sometimes look okay, although I’m not sure he’ll be able to handle relatively difficult elements like smoke/fire, explosions, or (if applicable) visually unusual superpowers, etc.
Are any of you familiar with the Percy Jackson books? I personally like them. What are your thoughts about them?
I started reading one of them, but I’m not a bit fantasy person so I kinda fell out. From what I know about them they’re apparently very good.
I think they are quite good. I was waiting for bmac to do one of his deep assesments where he always finds something nobody even thought about the books, but unfortunately he is ill.
Overall, I think that it’s a good series. I’m a huge reader, and I read all of the books, but even my little brother, who, at the time, didn’t really like to read, read the first book and said that it was good. (And trust me, that means a lot, coming from him.)
I have not read any of the Percy Jackson books. P. Mac has read at least a few of them, so presumably he found the first few good enough to keep going. The first book is highly-regarded on Amazon (averaging ~4.5 out of 5 stars), which suggests at the very least that they have a broad appeal.
If the books are remotely similar to the movie, though, I don’t think the series would be a good fit for me. The premise struck me as similar enough to Harry Potter to draw mental comparisons, and the comparisons rarely worked out well for Percy Jackson. For example, I’m not sure what the characters were like in the books, but the movie portrayed PJ’s family situation as fairly similar to Harry Potter’s, just less memorable. I thought the movie could have done more to develop the characters as different from their Harry Potter counterparts (i.e. the normal guy called to extraordinary greatness, the smart girl, etc).
They weren’t even close to the movie at all, just to let you know
It is nothing like the movie. It messed up the story.
Hey, I’m gonna post the revised version 2 script, i know you dont like rewrites but it has a lot of significant changes.
PAGE ONE (3 panels)
Panel 1. Establishing shot. It is around 10pm in the night in he city of Alarmis. We see a limousine (the main attraction in this panel) surrounded by screaming adoring fans and media. A red carpet scene. The event is being held at a big event centre, name it something like “The Crystal Galore”, with glaring lights around the building. Maybe in the distance we can see some of the other buildings in the area.
1 CAPTION (JASON): Youthful desire is unshakable, fearless and complex. You choose what happens to you in life…at least thats how dad puts it.
Panel 2. A chauffeur opens a door of the limousine to reveal a man stepping out of the limo. We can only see part of the man’s legs, the rest of his body is in shadow because he is still partly in the limo.
Panel 3. We see the hyper screaming fans, predominantly female fans but add some noticeable men as well. They are at the sides of the red carpet, held away by metal fences (search for red carpet entrance on the internet). We still do not see the man yet.
CAPTION (JASON): I mean, look at this guy.
SCREAMING FANS: ahhhh! We love you!
PAGE TWO (3 PANELS)
Panel 1. This is the biggest panel on the page. It shows a popular actor around 19 or 20 years old. He is of medium height not too tall or short. Give him baggy trousers and an open long sleeve leather jacket, make his shoes generic enough for legal reasons. He has a pair of black sunglasses on, and a cleanly cut beard and mustache as well as a cap on his head.
CAPTION (JASON): An actor that won an award for looking pretty in some movie…I guess pigs can fly now.
CAPTION (JASON): No “unshakable desire” there, I’m guessing he feels the TV can’t contain his excessive vanity.
Panel 2. This is a smaller square panel, showing a television make it generic enough. We can see “panel one” on the TV.
Panel 3. This is the same as panel 2 except now we see static on the TV.
THEO ALLEN (OFF PANEL): You haven’t fixed the television yet? Some people might start to think you’re cheap, Joe. Not me of course
PAGE THREE (SIX PANELS)
Panel 1. We see Theo Allen, Jason’s cousin sitting at the counter of “TheJava inn”, which is like your typical pastry and coffee bar. Theo is dark skinned and is usually wearing a cap. At the other side of the counter is Joe, the owner of the “The Java Inn” he is a plump man and he is wearing an apron with the logo of the bar, he also has a bit of a beard. At Theo’s left is the entrance and a long glass window with the logo of the shop on it. The Java Inn is in good condition. We see Theo up close with a playful smile. It is sometime in the afternoon.
1. JOE: Who cares what they think, Theo. When your paying for three kids’ tuition fees and The Java Inn’s costs, a blasted TV is one of the least things on your mind.
THEO: All right, Joe but its the little things that matter.
Panel 3. We see a smiling Joe and Theo holding a soda.
3. JOE: Says the teenager not earning a salary. By the way, where’s Jason? you guys always come here together.
4.THEO: I don’t know, he said he was going to meet me here after school… If he decided to come.
Panel 4. We see Theo holding his phone with an incoming call from Jason.
5. CAPTION (JASON): My cousin, Theo Allen, we’ve been friends since forever, he’s been living with my family ever since his parents died. He knows me more than my parents do. Its funny though, he’s always said that I know no limits…
6.THEO: Speak of the devil!
Panel 5. Theo is having a conversation with Jason on his phone. He is annoyed
THEO: Hey, Jason you said you’d meet me at the Java Inn. Do you know what I could have been doing if I wasn’t here!
8. JASON (ON THE PHONE): Yeah, sitting in front of a computer on some online chat room. I was kinda busy.
THEO: Busy? What… What’s that noise? Where are you?
JASON (ON THE PHONE): Look to your left, Theo.
Panel 6. We see Theo looking toward the big Java Inn Window with the logo.
THEO: I don’t see…
PAGE FOUR (SPLASH PAGE)
Panel 1. We see Jason on his motorcycle chasing a van carrying stolen weapons(covered). Jason is very close to the van, his motorcycle is red and black. He wearing the usual motorcycle gear like a helmet but the visor is up. There are two people in the truck, the driver and the man shooting at Jason with a rifle. The shots slightly miss Jason. There is writing on the side of the van, ‘The GoGo Factory’ in green.
CAPTION (JASON): …for some reason I never understood what he meant by that.
JASON: This is so awesome!
SFX: ZOOM
TITLE: BLAYZE (use logo)
Secret Origins
Part 1: Mixed Emotions
PAGE FIVE
Panel 1. The view is from behind Jason. He is still talking to Theo but on bluetooth. Jason is still being shot at, pedestrians are panicking about.
THEO (On bluetooth): Are you crazy! What do you think you’re doing, Jason?
JASON: Enjoying myself. You?
THEO: Ah! Haven’t you heard the saying ‘Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye’.
JASON: Isn’t that Shakespeare. Call you back, Theo.
Panel 2. We see the thugs in the van. Annoyed and irritated.
THUG (DRIVER): How hard is it to put a DARN bullet in his head, you dolt!. You know who the weapons in the back are for, he’d do us in and won’t even care.
THUG (SHOOTER): Try shootin’ properly in a van driven by a drunk fool. We’d be lucky to be alive after this.
Panel 3. Jason is now directly beside the thugs’ truck. We can see a big truck on Jason’s lane but there’s still some distance between Jason and the truck. Jason hasn’t noticed it yet.
JASON: When was the last time you guys went for marriage counseling? I can hear your petty squabbles all the way from here.
JASON (CAPTION): The van’s carrying over 200 firearms, majorly semiautomatics. I know those thugs are not capable of organizing that gun heist, they’re working for someone.
9. JASON (CAPTION): To tell you the truth I’m having too much fun to be bothered.
Panel 4. Now we see Jason from inside the thug van, as well as the shooter’s back. Jason is looking into the van.
THUG (SHOOTER): If I were you I’d be more worried about about myself.
JASON: What?
Panel 5. Now see the big truck that was on Jason’s lane about to hit him. Maybe we can see the driver panicking in his seat. Use an angle that makes the truck imposing. If Jason’s face is shown let his emotion be in-between smug and scared.
12. JASON: Crud!
- I think proofreading aggressively might help. For example, “…at least thats how dad puts it” should be “at least, that’s how Dad puts it,” I think. (Dad should be capitalized when it’s used as a name. One situation where you wouldn’t capitalize it would be something like “How’s your dad doing?” or “That’s what my dad says”).
–First sentences: “Youthful desire is unshakable, fearless and complex. You choose what happens to in life… at least, that’s how Dad puts it.” I feel this could be a bit more coherent. It doesn’t feel like the first sentence leads into the second one all that well? I like the second sentence, though—it’s an unusual observation for someone looking at a limo and I’m sort of interested to see how you build off of it.
–“You choose what happens to you in life… at least, that’s how Dad puts it.” “I mean, look at this guy.” Haha! I really liked this. I think it’s a very wry way to suggest that he’s not impressed by the actor. Strong showing, rather than telling.
–He’s a superstar actor and he’s got a mustache?
–“An actor that won an award for looking pretty in some movie… I guess pigs can fly now.” First, I’d recommend replacing the ellipsis with a period. Second, I’m not sure about the phrase “I guess pigs can fly now” here. Is it really THAT incredible that an actor won an award for looking pretty in some movie? Isn’t that how movie awards usually work? Third, is “I guess pigs can fly now” voice-appropriate for this character? It sounds a bit old-fashioned.
“No ‘unshakable desire’ there, I’m guessing he feels the TV can’t contain his excessive vanity.” First, the comma after there should probably be a period. Second, I think this would be stronger if he had shown his vanity in some way. Jason’s telling us that he’s vain, but there’s nothing here to show that he’s vain so far. Third, this reference back to the “unshakable desire” strikes me as a bit awkward. I don’t see the connection between vanity and the unshakable desire. What does the TV’s inability to contain his vanity have to do with it?
“Not me of course.” There should be a comma after me. I like this line, though. It’s a pretty amusing way to build on what he said in the previous sentence. (“Some people might start to think you’re cheap, Joe.” I think you could cut out the word “some,” though.
–On page 2, I think you could fit in more than 3 panels here. It might help you fit more content into the story later on.
–“ Who cares what they think, Theo. When your paying for three kids’ tuition fees and The Java Inn’s costs, a blasted TV is one of the least things on your mind.” I think this could be shortened to “When you’re paying for three kids’ tuitions, a TV is the last thing on your mind.” Also, “your” should be “you’re” here. You’re is the shortened version of “you are” and “your” is the possessive form of you. (IE: Hopefully you’re enjoying my review of your story).
“Says the teenager not earning a salary. By the way, where’s Jason? you guys always come here together.” “I don’t know, he said he was going to meet me here after school… If he decided to come.” I’d like this banter to be a bit more stylish. Maybe something like “Says the junior high student not earning a salary. By the way, where’s Jason? You guys always come together, like a Bangkok hooker and—“ “High school. I’m in high school, you geezer. He said he was going to meet me here, but I bet you scared him off.” (If he’s actually in junior high school, you could adjust this by having the owner do a little jab at JHS and then have Theo protest that he’s PRACTICALLY a high school student).
–“ My cousin, Theo Allen, we’ve been friends since forever, he’s been living with my family ever since his parents died. He knows me more than my parents do. Its funny though, he’s always said that I know no limits…” A few things here. First, I this you could show this. (For example, they know each other really well, so that could be shown in conversation. Second, “Its funny…” should be “It’s funny…”
“Do you know what I could have been doing if I wasn’t here!” “Yeah, sitting in front of a computer on some online chat room.” I think this is an okay response, but I’d like something a bit more stylish. Maybe something like “Do you know what I could have been doing if I wasn’t here!” “Get your mind out of the gutter.”
Hmm… Why is Jason calling him in the middle of a chase/gunfight? I guess he’s sort of a reckless guy, so maybe it’s fitting, but it might make more sense if he gets the call from Theo.
“This is so awesome!” Could you show this? (For example, his expression, etc).
Haven’t you heard the saying, “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye”? “Isn’t that Shakespeare.” Possible rephrase: “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.” “Don’t quote Shakespeare at me.” “Uhh…”
“The van’s carrying over 200 firearms, majorly semiautomatics.” First, I think “firearms” is a more professional term. I feel “guns” might fit this character better? Second, I’d recommend replacing “majorly” with “mostly.”
–What does the actor at the start have to do with the rest of the stuff going on?
Thanks for the review bmac. It wasn’t written on my computer and had to post it up before I left so didn’t have time to proofread. Now i can copy it from here and edit it.
“He’s a superstar actor and he’s got a mustache?” I can take out the mustache.
“–What does the actor at the start have to do with the rest of the stuff going on” He’s quite important later on.
“(IE: Hopefully you’re enjoying my review of your story).” pfft why wouldn’t I be…
So out of the versions I’ve posted which do you prefer?
I prefer this most recent version. It is substantially better.
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“What does the actor at the start have to do with the rest of the stuff going on?” “He’s quite important later on.” In that case, you might be able to incorporate him more smoothly. I feel like the cut from Jason at the movie premiere to Theo at the restaurant to Jason in the middle of a chase makes the opening scene seem a bit, I don’t know, besides the point. Maybe you could introduce the actor a bit later, when he’s immediately relevant?
Hey, what about the city name, New Mariet. Do you think it fits
I prefer the latest version of the script best, they improve a bit more each time but I think this one is definitely the best.
I like the city name New Mariet, Mariet seems a bit like an older, maybe Western European (French?) type of name but I think it fits.
Or New Mariette. What do you think bmac?
Just saying though, it kind of reminds me of Mariott hotel but I don’t think that’s a big deal, just a moot thing. xD
It sounds like old money to me. (Like IM, I made the Mariott connection). What’s the impression you’re going for?
In terms of looks http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:DowntownMiamiPanorama.jpg is how it looks. It is a tourist attraction. It suffered a devastating earth which resulted in a lot of casualties and destruction, hence the “New”.
It was originally had spanish influences. Had a high crime rate which reduced significantly over the years but still present. It has a tropical monsoon climate.
Thats the description.
Hope thats okay?
Bmac if you need more details i’ll post, also it has modern day architecture.
Yeah, I think more details would help.
Okay will post more details.
Also B.Mac, what is the most extreme power, if any, in “The Taxman must Die”.
“also it has modern day architecture.” scrap that, it has a architecture from different eras.
It’s generally a vibrant city. I’m not sure what other details i can post that will help. Suggestions?
Maybe demographic stuff? Like, what type of people live in the city? For example, south Florida is a lot of elderly folks, Jews, and rich people who can afford beachfront properties etc as well as a large hispanic population. Whereas New York City has a huge floating population, aka people who only live for a few years there on business and then move etc. Also, maybe a bit on major industries in the city. I know that sounds stupid, but it can really tell a lot about a city. Detroit? Cars. NYC and Charlotte, NC? Banks. Los Angeles? Entertainment. Etc.
“B. Mac, what is the most extreme power in The Taxman must Die?”
Most of the characters are incredibly athletic and/or well-trained. I think the power level is closer to Captain America (who can take down 10-20 infantrymen) than the Hulk or Superman (who can take down thousands of infantrymen, tanks, jets, etc).
Including the minor characters I’m considering, here’s what I’m looking at:
–An unpowered accountant. He’s a pretty good detective, but not as smart as he thinks.
–An alligator has CA-style strength and agility and some minor gator abilities (claws/climbing/sight/smell/Tail of Doom). Also, he eventually “acquires” an experimental military device that lets him turn off the lights for 3 seconds per day.
–A scientist can influence probabilities and has superior agility.
–The guy that recruits the main character doesn’t exactly have superpowers, but he’s a very talented soldier with some minor scientific enhancements, like recoil suppressors surgically implanted in his wrists. Fairly minor character.
–One agent can shapeshift other people. Minor character.
–A pilot can remotely control a vehicle. (He has a mind-machine interface). Now, if only he were actually a good pilot… His call-sign is Medivac because he tends to send people to the hospital. Bit character.
–One character can go back in time, but only as far back as the last time he used his ability. (For example, if he used his power in 2011 to go back to 2006, the next time he used his power, he’d only be able to go back as far as 2011). The main purpose of this restriction is that he only gets one (extra) chance to save the day. Bit character.
–A master doctor/scientist can do a lot of crazy things with medicine/science, including coming up with superior weapons and steroids. I feel more comfortable giving this character open-ended powers for reasons I can’t discuss without shortcircuiting the plot.
–Hex Abrams is possibly West Virginia’s most brilliant roboticist and definitely its most insane. Minor antagonist. (In TTMD, West Virginia is a hyper-advanced state that pretends to be a backwater. Agent Orange speculates they got sick of doing tech support).
Damzo: “It’s generally a vibrant city. I’m not sure what other details i can post that will help. Suggestions?”
Invader-Myna: “Maybe demographic stuff? … Also, maybe a bit on major industries in the city.”
I think both of IM’s suggestions could be helpful. Basically, what makes the city distinct?
For example, Gotham is outlandishly seedy and its most distinct building is an insane asylum. Metropolis is a lot more cheerful/hopeful and its most distinct building is probably the Daily Globe building.
Does the city have a personality? For example, I think Miami is well-known for being looser and spicier than most other cities. (Check out how many guys wear bright-colored short-sleeve shirts in Miami Vice, Dexter or Burn Notice compared to something set in New York or Washington). In contrast, Washington is a LOT more formal and uptight. Pretty much everybody in the government wears a black suit and tie to work, even the interns. Also, DC strikes me as pretentiously status-oriented. For example, addressing a Senator as “Ma’am” could cause offense even though military protocol uses Ma’am/Sir as a respectful way to address a ranking officer.
Also you said it has architecture from different eras, what eras are we talking about?
“Maybe demographic stuff? … Also, maybe a bit on major industries in the city.” Several large companies and industries are situated in the city, quite a lot of illegal arms trades happen. It has a port(harbour) where trade as well well as tourism (cruise ships).
“Does the city have a personality?” The city is home to various entertainment centres. In terms of atmosphere, the city is pretty cheerful despite the devastating earthquake, except that there are still quite a lot of of frightened people. Good you brought up distinct buildings, the city has a museum with a statue of a golden bird on the top.
It is generally a happy loose, entertaining, lively city… or at least it tries to be. I’m planning on making it hold a lot of secrets, not mystical though.
For the name, i’m actually looking for something with “New” in it but it doesn’t have to have that if another name works on its own alone.
Also will be posting new pages soon.
Thats mainly it. I can’t move on with the comic without a city name. So i’m stuck. Also Myna is “New Mortras” still being used.
I’m not using New Mortras anymore, no. But I wouldn’t recommend it, for the same reason I stopped using it: it just feels gimmicky and forced. (I think almost everyone who’s taken a high school English class coulda picked up on the ‘mort’ part of that name…)
Your city sounds vaguely Spanish to me, or at least one of those southern, warm-climate metropolises. I looked up a bunch of U.S. place names derived from Spanish, and the best one I got was Mariposa. New Mariposa? I’m not sure if it would fit, what do you think?
So then I went to google translate. Mariposa means butterfly, which was kinda cool. I’ve tried using google translate for stories before, and it hasn’t really worked (the best thing I got in Portuguese was bala, which, depending on whether you’re talking Portugal Portuguese or Brazilian Portuguese could mean anything from bullet to candy to ecstasy tablets) but hey, why not?
Ave = bird
Caramelo = candy (I had to see what it was in Spanish, sorry xD)
Cabal = complete
Those are probably really rough translations, I don’t have the Spanish-speaking skills to check grammar and stuff lol. But obviously you don’t want to go ‘New Aves’ or something ’cause then every Spanish speaker who reads your comic would be like WUT? So mix-and-match bits of words. Carave (Cah-rah-vay?) or Aveposa or Avemila or something like that. I like Avemila, it sounds cool.
Hope this helped at least a little bit!
Thanks myna, I’ll be sure to try that out.
Also what do you guys think of “New Yuna”.
Or New Marden. So New Yuna versus New Marden. What do you think?
I prefer New Yuna over New Marden; but mostly just ’cause Yuna is prettier. xD It’s whatever you prefer!
What do you think about New Mimosa? (A mimosa is a type of alcoholic drink, so I think it sort of fits the happy, loose, entertaining atmosphere).
” What do you think about New Mimosa?” wow i never thought of that that is definitely going to be in the comic book. Probably the original name or something or another important city, thanks.
” I prefer New Yuna over New Marden; but mostly just ’cause Yuna is prettier. xD It’s whatever you prefer! ”
somebody brought this http://www.yunamusic.com/ up when i mentioned “New Yuna” I never even knew about that, oh well. I think that means I have to use New Marden…sigh.
Is Yuna some kind of band? Idk I haven’t heard of it (although the protagonist in one of the FF games is a girl named Yuna) but still. It’s whatever you choose at this point, I like all of the options.
Hi guys, Myna once mentioned something about Jason’s surname “Blayze” being used quite alot. So what do you think about Jason Verjil? The comic is still called Blaze though.
Out of Blayze and Verjil, I like Verjil the best C:
I like Verjil best (Jason Verjil sounds nice, curious, why did you pick Verjil) as opposed to Blaze.
Thanks @Myna and Grenac. Glad you like Verjil.
“why did you pick Verjil as opposed to Blayze” You once mentioned this
” One thing though–I don’t like his last name. Blaze has been used, and used again, overused and abused for dashing young male protagonists so long that it’s way too recognizable. As in, it won’t say anything about your character. Perhaps changing the name to something more distinct/stands out?”
Someone thought that Jason was related to Johnny Blaze, The Ghost Rider when I mentioned his name. Also typing his surname in google brought up so many fictional characters that I decided that it was time for a change.
Also Grenac what do you think of the story.
I like it. I love seeing how it has progressed from the first incarnation to where it’s at currently. It’s cool to see how Jason sort of developed from faceless to reckless and adventurous teen. He strikes me as really interesting
Any crit was pretty much covered above, I don’t have anything new to add on that.
Can’t wait to read more!
Btw,
“I’m being very careful on restrictions on my comic book.
They are:
.No use of swear words
.No perversion
.No racial discrimination
.No sensual things”
- That is awesome and I high five you for it
I’m doing the same thing with my novels. Which is pretty hard, considering Keegan fits 1 and 4 hurr durr
I’m Glad you like the story. I think i’ve improved a lot since I found the site, all thanks to Bmac and others on the site.
Oh no, I meant why did you pick Verjil as a name, like instead of Green or Smith or whatever. xD I know why you didn’t want to use Blaze. ^^
Oh sorry, Verjil is not a common name i wanted a name that would be memorable, and when brought up, my character would be remembered. Also I just liked the name it stood out.
It reminds me of Virgil, it’s pretty cool
Okay I’m posting up some more pages.
PAGE SIX (THREE PANELS)
Panel 1. This takes up most of the page. Jason leaps towards the thugs’ van, barely holding on to the roof of the vehicle. The bigger truck smashes into Jason’s motorcycle, parts of the bike scattered through the air. This should from an angle that shows the intensity of the situation.
SFX: CRASH
Panel 2. We see Jason, still holding on to the side of the van, with a smirk on his face. He is freaked out by what he just did but is trying his best not to show it. He is facing the shooter’s direction.
JASON: Miss me?
JASON (CAPTION): That was close. I’m really freaked out but can’t let them know that.
Panel 3. The scene changes back to Theo. He is outside the Java Inn with Joe behind him. Joe is quite shaken and confused, Theo is calm but is a bit taken aback by what he just saw.
JOE: He’s…he’s crazy!
THEO: That’s an understatement.
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PAGE SEVEN
Panel 1. Scene change. We are in a room where “Prime Works” ( Jason’s Dad’s company) where Tobias Blayze (Jason’s dad) and board of directors are having a meeting. This is an establishing shot of the meeting room. There is a long rectangular table in the centre that takes up the majority of the room with “Prime Works” logo on it. There are 8 chairs around the table, 7 of the chairs are being used (Tobias‘ chair is empty because he is giving a presentation). There is a computer screen showing a line graph in red signifying a decrease in sales that Tobias is standing beside.
1.TOBIAS (O/P): As you all know, Prime Works’ products has been out of public interest in the past few months.
Panel 2. We zoom in closer to Tobias giving his presentation. He is dressed smartly in a grey suit and red tie and a pair of glasses. The line graph is also bigger and clearer. He has a serious expression.
2.TOBIAS: Since we released the Holo-pad, other manufacturers have come up with their versions of it, although lesser quality.
Panel 3. Now we see Sam Neville, a member of the board of directors. Not a particularly nice man. He has black hair and a a full mustache and usually has a scowl on his face. He is around 42 years old. He does not have a very good relationship with Tobias.
NEVILLE: I wonder whose fault that is, Tobias.
Panel 4. Tobias is irritated but ignores Neville’s comment.
TOBIAS: So after a few talks with fellow administrator, Seth Hardy, we’ve decided that Prime Works is going green. Seth will expand on that.
Panel 5. Now we see Seth Hardy standing up from one of the chairs around the table closer to Tobias. He is a tall, lean Caucasian man with black hair and a light mustache and pulled back hair. He has a dark grey suit and a black tie. He is friends with Tobias Verjil.
SETH: Thank you, Tobias.
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PAGE EIGHT
Panel 1. Seth is shown facing the computer screen.
SETH: Tobias and I are meeting with Ideas Infinite later today to make a deal. They’ll provide raw materials we need. So less money spent on our side.
Panel 2. Neville stands up and hits the table in anger. The other men look at him strangely.
NEVILLE: All of this without our knowledge!
Panel 3. Seth has a smirk on his face.
SETH: You know now, don’t you? Neville.
Panel 4. Suddenly Tobias’s secretary comes in. She’s blonde and wears glasses, she is of medium height. Give her usual female worker garb. Lets call her Trish.
TRISH: Sorry to disturb, Mr Verjil, there’s a cop on the line.
Panel 5. Tobias looks annoyed. Trish is still in the room.
TOBIAS: Can it wait?
TRISH: He says it’s about your son… Again.
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PAGE NINE
Panel 1. Tobias is walking out of the meeting room, Trish at his back.
TOBIAS: Excuse me, Seth please continue with the presentation.
Panel 2. Tobias has the phone to his ear, still annoyed.
TOBIAS: Yes, Officer?
Panel 3. Scene change. New Mardon Police Department is shown, it looks clean and in good condition. Check for some police department on the internet. Something like this http://www.west-hartford.com/TownServices/TownDepartments/PoliceDept/PICT0008.JPG, though it should not look too similar for legal reasons.
JASON (CAPTION): New Mardon Police Department. Has become like a second home lately.
Panel 4. Jason and his dad are walking out of the station. Tobias is on the phone while Jason has his hands in his pockets and has an annoyed look.
4. TOBIAS: Okay Seth, I’ll be there soon.
5. JASON (CAPTION): Property damage? I could have done better than that. Even the thugs got away.
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PAGE TEN
Panel 1. Tobias is off the phone now, he turns to Jason. He has a smile on his face.
TOBIAS: You know this is becoming a habit.
Panel 2. We see Jason, he has a tired look on his face.
JASON: I was bored, but at least it gets you out of the office…which is very rare.
Panel 3. Zoom out, we see both of them from behind, walking along a sidewalk.
TOBIAS: Yeah it did. I’ve been working on a project for a while, so I’ve been busy. Your mom told me about your repeated absences from school.
Panel 4. Jason doesn’t look bothered by what his dad said. Close up on his face.
JASON: I’ve learnt enough from watching you work, it really hasn’t been important. You’re probably gonna scold me for that.
Panel 5. Tobias takes his glasses off to clean it.
TOBIAS: You’re 15, I think you can scold yourself.
——————————————————————————————–
PAGE ELEVEN
Panel 1. Jason snickers while still looking up at his dad.
1.JASON: I told you I was bored, its funny what you find out when you snoop around.
Panel 2. Tobias puts his glasses back on.
2. TOBIAS: Anyway, I have a meeting with a few unsavory characters to attend to, I can drop you off at home if you want.
3. JASON: Nah, I have to meet up with Theo.
Panel 3. Tobias starts walking towards his car which is on the other side of the road, lets make it similar to a Nissan Pathfinder, he’s still within arms length of Jason.
TOBIAS: Alright. But be careful, sightings of this ‘Midnight Butcher’ have become more frequent.
JASON: That’s if he’s real. And dad…
6. JASON (CAPTION): Closing cases, blaming this ‘Midnight Butcher’ and supposedly having enough evidence to implicate him. I keep asking myself why I care.
Panel 4. This is a rectangular panel, we see Jason with emotional eyes, this side of Jason doesn’t come out a lot.
7. JASON (CAPTION): Maybe some inner sense of justice.
8. JASON: Please try coming home early today.
Panel 5. Tobias, obviously affected by this, looks back at Jason with his eyes wide open.
[NO DIALOGUE]
Panel 6. Same view as panel 5, but this time Tobias smiles.
9. TOBIAS: I’ll try.
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PAGE TWELVE
Panel 1. We see Jason waving at Tobias who is beside the door of his jeep, maybe this view is from behind Jason.
1. JASON (CAPTION): Who am I kidding.
Panel 2. Jason takes out his vibrating phone from his pocket. He looks at it, we can see what is on the the screen, ‘Incoming call from The Princess’
[NO DIALOGUE]
Panel 3. Jason puts the phone to his ear.
2. JASON: Hey Theo
3. THEO (ON PHONE): Yeah Jason, um… I kinda need your help.
4. JASON: What! What happened?
5. THEO (ON PHONE): You’ll see, just come please.
6. JASON: Why should I?
Panel 4. Jason starts walking off as the sun sets.
7. THEO (ON PHONE): Please!
8. JASON: Okay, calm down I’m coming.
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That’s it, what do you guys think.
What I wrote originally was longer than this but I wasn’t sure how many pages I was supposed to do, I planned 30 pages but then saw that some publishers wanted 20-22 pages.
So I just started on issue two wasn’t sure wether or not to post the whole first issue here.
Hey cool d, been tryin to reach ova the past few weeks. Finally got my bb so am connected to the net constantly. Pls send the info I tld u to send weeks ago. As I am in johannesburg we will not be able to meet as planned. Please try to contact me as soon as possible.
Not to be rude or anything but is anyone interested in reviewing the scenes i posted if not, okay i dont mind.
“That was close. I’m really freaked out but can’t let them know that.” I think it would really help to show this. For example, maybe do a visual before he throws out the “Miss me?” quip. I would generally recommend against having a character exposit his emotions.
–”He’s…he’s crazy.” “That’s an understatement.” I feel the first statement could probably be more distinct. And definitely the second one. For example, Theo might say something like “Well, at least he’s not [DOING CRAZY STUNT X] again.”
–”As you all know, Prime Works’ products has been out of public interest in the past few months.” If they all know this, why is he reminding them? Also, what does it mean that the products have been “out of public interest”? One possible way to rephrase this (I think) would be something like “Prime Works’ sales have dropped considerably over the past few months” or “Prime Works’ sales have dropped considerably over the last quarter.”
–Is Tobias’ last name Verjil or Blayze? (Or are there two Tobiases?)
–I feel page 7 could be tighter. Panel 1 and 2 could probably be merged. The dialogue in panel 5 is probably unnecessary.
–”All of this without our knowledge!” could probably be rephrased. I dunno. I sort of like “When were you planning on telling the board you were secretly dealing on our behalf?” It sounds more active to me?
–I feel this corporate setting could be more interesting. The antagonist is a bit one-dimensionally nasty and there aren’t as many entertaining/interesting lines as I’d like. I find it a bit perplexing that he gets annoyed that Neville doing advance work on upcoming negotiations (which strikes me as pretty routine?) but doesn’t get annoyed that the plan for turning around sales is going green. I think there’s an opportunity for some sort of zinger in response there. Maybe something snarky like “Oh yeah, that’s worked out SO well for Solyndra and BP.” (And Wal-Mart, but I don’t think most readers would get the reference).
–”He says it’s about your son… Again” could probably be shortened to “It’s your son… again.” How loud is the secretary speaking these lines? (It makes sense that she’d be whispering that last line rather than embarrass her boss in front of the board?)
–”You know, this is becoming a habit.” I think this is redundant with “…it’s about your son… again.”
–There are some punctuation issues.
–”I keep asking myself why I care.” Please show or imply this. It feels awkward to me that he’s expositing his emotions.
–”Maybe some inner sense of justice.” As before, please show or imply this. Might be easier to show this with an example. Maybe he thinks back to some rewarding moment he’s had before. (The most stereotypical would be delivering a kid from a burning building into a mother’s arms but I’m sure you could come up with something more memorable–if I had to do this for Agent Orange, he’d fondly look ahead to a funeral where the President or a general was delivering a eulogy praising his “unbridled badassery and relentless pursuit of awesomeness” and his ability to not set his partner on fire even when he tried to make AO do paperwork).
–I like “The Princess” as the caller ID for Theo. Haha.
Thanks a lot B.Mac. So my main problem is telling and not showing. Will work on that.
Hey Damzo! Sorry for taking like a million years to get back to ya, I’ve been on and off lately due to school being a craphead. (I’m a Junior now. o-o) Anyway, here’s a review of the pages you posted! : )
*I like the beginning with the red carpet scene, it immediately sets the mood for the city; this sort of arts-and-culture center, as well as for the screaming fans. xD I like it. I’ll admit I don’t know how it will fit into the rest of the story yet, though.
*”Youthful desire is unshakable, fearless and complex. You choose what happens to you in life…at least thats how dad puts it.” This feels a bit out-of-character for Jason (isn’t he like awesome fighter dude? The random insight at the beginning makes him seem a lot older.)
*”An actor that won an award for looking pretty in some movie.” I really like this line. xD
*”Yeah, sitting in front of a computer on some online chat room. I was kinda busy.” This made me laugh. xD
*I agree with B.Mac’s point, it probably makes more sense if Theo calls him, only to find that Jase is in the middle of crazy fight 9000. xD
*”When was the last time you guys went for marriage counseling?” XDDDD
Overall, I really liked the first few pages. Not sure what the actor is doing there (unless he gets involved later?) but the chase thing really helped develop Jason’s character upfront. Overall I think this is definitely a lot of improvement from the first version of the script. : )
ON TO THE NEXT SIX PAGES~
*”I’m really freaked out but can’t let them know that.” There’s probably a smoother way to show he’s freaked out without just outright stating it.
*”That’s an understatement.” Oh yes it is. xD Question: Does Theo know about Jason’s whole vigilante thing, or is this a full-on surprise to him?
*”He says it’s about your son… Again.” I especially like the ‘again’ here, it shows that they’ve clearly had trouble with this before.
*”New Mardon Police Department. Has become like a second home lately.” While I like this line, it’s a little confusing because the ‘second home’ thing implies he likes being at the police department frequently. Might want to rephrase, js.
*”I was bored, but at least it gets you out of the office…which is very rare.” The ‘which is very rare’ could probably be removed, as it’s already clear from the first part of this sentence his dad doesn’t get out of the office much.
*”Closing cases, blaming this ‘Midnight Butcher’ and supposedly having enough evidence to implicate him. I keep asking myself why I care.” Could probably be phrased more smoothly, I’m not sure what he’s trying to say here.
*”‘Incoming call from The Princess’” xDDDDD POOR THEO XD
Creepy cliffhanger at the end! I can’t wait to see the next few pages : D
Thanks for the review, really appreciate it. I’ll make sure to fix the listed. Also if you think this was a creepy cliffhanger, then wait till you see the end of issue one.
Okay, guys. Been off for a while…busy. Seems there are a lot of new people here. Im posting up the part before the main conclusion of the comic now. So thanks for reading and reviewing.
——————————————
PAGE THIRTEEN
Panel 1. Tobias is inside the backseat of his car, we can see his chauffeur, Jackson in the drivers seat. He is around 31 years old and is slightly bulky. He has a good relationship with Tobias. He is dark skinned.
JACKSON: Back to the office?
2. TOBIAS: Yeah, Jackson. Have to get back to the meeting…Its always fun seeing Neville’s face. Then the ‘TeQ Expo” in the evening.
JACKSON: Today’s gonna be long day.
Panel 2. Tobias brings out a picture and smiles. We can’t see the picture clearly.
TOBIAS: You know, today would have been his birthday.
JACKSON (OP): Hmm?
TOBIAS: My first son, Drake. He would have been 22 today.
JACKSON (OP): Oh.
Panel 3. We see a sad Jackson. Tobias is still smiling in the backseat.
JACKSON: He was a good kid.
TOBIAS: He was. Two years now, hasn’t gotten any easier.
Panel 4. We get to see the picture clearly now still being held by Tobias. In the picture we see Drake and a 12 year old Jason looking at us. Drake is smiling and putting his hand on Jason’s head, while jason has a grumpy look on his face. Drake bears resemblance to Tobias.
JACKSON: I can’t even imagine how Jason feels.
TOBIAS: Yeah…
—————————————————————————————————–
PAGE FOURTEEN
Panel 1. Establishing shot. An alley is shown. The alley is pretty clean, New Marden is a clean city. Lets see a fire escape.
TOBIAS (CONT.): Neither can I.
Panel 2. Same panel. Except this time we see Theo running through the alley.
[NO DIALOGUE]
Panel 3.Different view. Close up on Theo running. He has a scared look on his face.
THEO: Um, Jay anytime now.
JASON (ON PHONE): Quit panicking. I’m coming.
Panel 4. Now we see who Theo is running from. A group of college dropouts led by Brock, a bulky 19 year old into illegal arms trade. Lets have five people in the group and Brock making six. They’re standing in the alley looking for Theo. All wearing stolen brand clothes.
BROCK: He went his way. Find him!
JASON (CAPTION): ‘Brock and the delinquents’, a group of college dropouts who took an interest in arms dealing. We have a very close relationship.
Panel 5. Theo is hiding behind a bunch of crates. He is crouching and trying his best not to be seen.
THEO (WHISPERING): You know this is all your fault right. I’m being chased by Brock and his gang.
JASON (ON PHONE): I wonder what I did to The Delinquents this time, they’re always fun to annoy. I can’t help it I’m addicted to danger.
THEO: Ya think. After throwing most of their shipment into the river, you left them a note telling them it was you.
JASON (ON PHONE): Yeah, I’m crazy like that. Gotta go.
THEO: Jason? He has to stop doing that.
Panel 6. A member of Brock’s group hears something and looks in Theo’s direction.
10. MEMBER 1: Huh?
JASON (CAPTION): Sometimes I can’t help but feel responsible for getting Theo into these messes.
—————————————————————————————————–
PAGE FIFTEEN
Panel 1. The member moves closer to the crates.
MEMBER 1: Yo Brock, I think I’ve somethin’.
JASON (CAPTION):I guess its because ever since I lost my bro, the rest of my family has been very distant.
Panel 2. We see it from another angle. Theo is very scared. We can see the member coming overhead.
3. MEMBER: Come out little rat/
4.JASON (CAPTION): Except him.
Panel 3. Now we see the members face as a shoe flies into the side of his face. He is in pain. The shoo is a typical sports shoe.
5.JASON (OFF PANEL): Hey yo! Broccoli…
Panel 4. We see Jason sitting on the hood of a car. One of his feet lacking a shoe. He has his usual smug smile on.
6.JASON: Miss me.
——————————————————————————————————
PAGE SIXTEEN
Panel 1. We zoom in close to Theo, who is relieved to see Jason.
THEO: Jason!
Panel 2. Brock is shown along with his partners. He is smiling.
BROCK: You’re cousin’s lucky you came. Its funny how a blockhead like you loves trouble.
Panel 3. Jason walks toward them. Theo moves away from his hiding spot.
JASON: ‘Blockhead’ seriously, you just heard that on TV didn’t you.
Panel 4. Brock gets annoyed by this.
BROCK: I’ll advice you to stop talking now.
Panel 5. Jason bends down beside the unconscious delinquent to pick up his shoe.
JASON: Also I wasn’t sure if I should have left a note, considering the fact that you can’t read, or can you? I forget.
Panel 6. Theo face palms.
THEO: Oh great, he just had to talk.
Panel 7. Brock annoyed by this, dashes towards Jason. His face red from anger.
———————————————————————————————————-
PAGE SEVENTEEN
Panel 1. We see Jason’s eyes intensify. There is a red tint in his eyes.
[NO DIALOGUE]
Panel 2. Jason throws the shoe again at Brock’s face.
SFX: OOMPH
Panel 3. We see the members of Brock’s group shocked. Brock is on the floor, covering his nose as it is bleeding.
1. BROCK: Are you gonna let him get away with that.
Panel 4. All of them run at Jason, some even holding clubs.
MEMBER 3: Make him bleed.
Panel 5. Theo is worried about Jason. It should be obvious in his expression.
THEO: Oh no.
Panel 6. We see Jason from a forward angle. His eyes still intense with a red tint. He as an intent expression.
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PAGE EIGHTEEN
Panel 1 (EVC). This are where we showcase Jason’s abilities. Which is Enhance Visual Cognition (EVC), it is usually thought to be a very weak and useless ability, so I’m trying to contradict that. The EVC panels are mainly going to be done with ink wash, watercolor or anything that gives a similar effect. In this panels Jason is usually the only person that will be fully colored.
This is the biggest panel on the page. We are behind Jason as he looks at the delinquents charging at him. He is the only one colored.
Inside this panel are four smaller ones, each showing the four delinquents charging at Jason. These smaller panels are colored.
1. JASON (CAPTION): I’ve always seen things differently, literally.
Panel 2. Medium shot of Jason. He looks like he examining something intently.
JASON (CAPTION): Not like all the time, just flashes.
3. JASON: Four. Four different lowlifes charging at me.
Panel 3. Now we see the one with a rod about to hit Jason with full force.
4. JASON (CAPTION): Apparently during those quick flashes, my mind processes things faster than normal…cool! I know.
JASON: That’s hardly fair.
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PAGE NINETEEN
Panel 1. The rod member thrusts violently at Jason, who sidesteps and dodges it.
JASON: On you!
Panel 2. Jason swiftly kicks the rod member in the gut. He is pushed back, arms flailing.
Panel 3. The rod member’s face is shown, he is in serious pain. Coughs out spit.
ROD MEMBER: Gah!
Panel 4. The rod member lands in a wooden crate close to Jason, knocked out. The other members are close to Jason.
JASON: Also guys.
4. JASON (CAPTION): So things look all slow motion like. It allows me to read very tiny and almost insignificant body language, to predict actions.
Panel 5. Jason jumps off the fallen rod member towards the other charging members and kicks one of them.
JASON: You guys ever thought that maybe, just maybe, if you asked nicely…
Panel 6. Now we see Jason’s hand on the floor, as if performing a cartwheel. He just landed on the ground after his air kick.
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PAGE TWENTY
Panel 1. With his hand on the floor he backflips, kicking the same member. Jason has a grin on his face.
JASON (CONT.): I might let you beat the living daylight outta me..
JASON: Just a thought.
JASON (CAPTION): So basically I can kick butt better…among other things.
Panel 2. The kicked member lands on the ground while the last remaining member looks at him in shock.
Panel 3. Brock stands, shocked by what he just saw.
BROCK: What the-
Panel 4. Then the last member runs at Jason. Ready to punch.
Panel 5. The member carries Jason and squeezes him tightly.
SFX: Squeeze
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PAGE TWENTY-ONE
Panel 1. Jason struggles to escape but the member’s hold is too strong.
JASON: Hey Peaches, I know we’re close and all, but seriously, personal space.
2. JASON (CAPTION): Didn’t move fast enough, his grip’s too strong.
Panel 2. Brock has a mischievous smile as he holds out a gun. The member that was hit in the face with a shoe is just getting up.
BROCK: Just hold him there.
SHOE MEMBER: Brock, what the heck do you think you’re doing.
Panel 3. They both face each other. Brock has an annoyed look.
SHOE MEMBER: I kno’ he’s annoying but…come on. That’s too far. We steal and sell, thats it. Murder ain’t part of it. I didn’t drop out for this.
BROCK: You didn’t drop out, you were expelled.
SHOE MEMBER: Whatever, man. Just don’t do this.
BROCK: When did I ever ask for your opinion.
Panel 4. Theo shouts toward Jason.
THEO: Jay!
Panel 5. Jason looks quickly towards Brock.
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PAGE TWENTY-TWO
Panel 1. Brock fires the gun.
SFX: BLAM
Panel 2. We see the bullet speeding though the air. Long shot view. EVC panel.
Panel 3. Same as panel 2 but we’ve zoomed in closer. EVC panel.
Panel 4. Now an intense view of Jason’s eye.
Panel 5. Biggest panel on the page. Jason and the grabbing member are both falling to the ground. Jason’s feet in the air as he pushes himself backward to avoid the bullet.
Panel 6. We see the jacket of the member. There is a bullet hole through.
JASON (CAPTION): Had to push my self with enough force to save myself…and the bull.
Panel 7. Jason lands on the ground in pain.
2. JASON (CAPTION): I did it. A bit too close for comfort, but I did it.
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That’s it, hope you enjoy.
So how is it? I wasnt sure if I made the fight scene too long or as interesting as i wanted it to be. Is it okay?
Any review soon… hopefully.
Since people were busy and didn’t have time to review the posted pages, I had time to finish the whole issue so here it is.
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PAGE TWENTY-THREE
Panel 1. Now we are looking through Jason’s eyes as he blacks out. We can see the shoe member grabbing Brock’s shirt.
Panel 2. Full black panel.
THEO (OP): Jay!
Panel 2. The black opens up, but not that much.
THEO (OP): Jay!
3. MARION: Jason.
Panel 3. We see Jason’s face as he wakes up on a bed.
JASON: Ugh
Panel 4. Now we see Marion (Jason’s mom) hurling water at him from a bucket. We can’t see Marion’s face.
Panel 5. Jason is wet as the water hits him.
MARION (OP): Now wake up…
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PAGE TWENTY-FOUR
Panel 1. Now we clearly see Marion. She is in her late 30’s, brown hair and quite tall, she wears glasses. She is holding the bucket and has a serious yet happy look on her face.
1. MARION (CONT): Unless you want more.
JASON (CAPTION): My dear and lovely Mom. Contrary to what you might believe, she loves me…I think.
Panel 2. Jason is shivering, Theo beside him.
JASON: H-hi m-mom.
THEO: Um Aunt Marion, should I return the other buckets?
Panel 3. Marion sits beside Jason on the bed.
MARION: Don’t bother, Theo.
MARION: So Jason, heard you got into a fight.
JASON: Y-yes mom.
JASON (CAPTION): Nice to know she cares sometimes.
Panel 4. She throws a pillow at Jason.
9. MARION: Tsk! Least you could do was win.
JASON (CAPTION): Or not!
Panel 5. Marion starts walking off. Theo still standing beside Jason.
MARION: Dinner’s downstairs, and Jason…
JASON: Yes m-mom
13. MARION: Don’t forget to clean up and change the bed sheets, they’re wet.
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PAGE TWENTY-FIVE
Panel 1. Jason frowns while Theo stands beside him smiling. There is supposed to an awkward moment of silence, but Jason spoils it.
JASON: C-crud
JASON (CAPTION): Yep, she loves me.
Panel 2. Jason’s has a sad look on his face.
JASON: I blacked-out again, Theo.
Panel 3. Theo has a worried look on his face.
THEO: Yes. I’ve told you many times to only use your enhanced vision as a last resort. Your brain can’t process that amount of information in a short time.
THEO (CONT.): So you shut down, kinda like a computer.
Panel 4. Jason looks at Theo.
JASON: I’m not a computer.
THEO: I said ‘like’.
JASON: Whatever.
Panel 5. Theo goes into a lighter, happier mood.
THEO: I was afraid what was gonna happen after you passed out. Then some old woman ran out of her house, pointing a shotgun at all of us.
JASON: Really?…
Panel 6. Jason has a funny yet inquisitive look.
JASON (CONT.): Was she hot?
THEO: Elderly
JASON: Does it matter?
14. THEO: No comment.
—————————————————————————————————————
PAGE TWENTY-SIX
Panel 1. Now we are downstairs in the sitting room. Jason and Theo are sitting on the sofa watching T.V. Jason has a lollipop in his mouth. Theo is obviously not enjoying the show.
CAPTION: Downstairs…
MARION (OP): Jason, get your feet off my table.
Panel 2. Theo looks at Jason, annoyed. He’s still not enjoying whatever is on the T.V at the moment.
THEO: Why are you punishing us with this?
Panel 3. Jason does not even look at Theo when he replies. He just keeps his eyes straight
JASON: Go ask your puppy.
THEO: I just did.
6. JASON: Touché
Panel 4. Marion is in the kitchen, making a cup of coffee for herself. She looks backward at the sitting room. A demanding look is present on her face. Jason is annoyed by what she says.
MARION: Change to the News channel, Jason. Your dad’s supposed to be on T.V.
JASON: Grr! Yes, mom.
Panel 5. Jason changes the channel. We can see a female newscaster standing in the TeQ Expo hall. Jason and Theo’s backs are shown.
THEO (WHISPERING): I always win.
JASON (WHISPERING): Oh shut up.
11. NEWSCASTER: I’m Jane Thatcher, here at the The Crystal Galore as the TeQ Expo commences…
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PAGE TWENTY-SEVEN
Panel 1. The landline rings ever so loudly. It’s a pretty modern version but not too high tech.
JASON (OP): I’ll get it, mom.
Panel 2. Jason picks up the phone, he looks so unenthusiastic about it even though he was the one whose to pick up the phone.
JASON: Yo!
TELEPHONE (DISEMBODIED): Is this the Verjil Residence?
JASON: Obviously.
TELEPHONE (DISEMBODIED): Please may I speak to Mrs Marion Verjil.
Panel 3. Jason calls to Marion, who starts walking towards Jason.
JASON: Mom! Some guy on the phone wants to talk to you.
MARION: Stop shouting.
Panel 4. Marion holds the phone to her ear still holding the cup of coffee.
MARION: Hello?
TELEPHONE (DISEMBODIED): Yes. This is the New Mardon Police Department.
Panel 5. Scene change. It is around 10pm in the night. We can see a couple of silhouetted police officers’s legs. Then the main attraction of the panel, a bright “DO NOT CROSS” police line.
JASON (CAPTION): My Dad always had this idea, that you choose what happens to you in life.
Panel 6. We see Jason shuffling through a crowd to get in front. He looks frantic.
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PAGE TWENTY-EIGHT
Panel 1. This is the biggest panel on the page. Here we see Tobias lying lifeless on the ground, badly beaten and clothes tattered. Redness all over his skin, maybe a little blood but not too much, trying to keep a PG rating.
[NO DIALOGUE]
Panel 2. Jason stands, he is completely dumbstruck. His eyes lacking any vigor or energy.
Lets maybe even make the background blurred a little for an effect.
JASON (CAPTION): Except I don’t remember ever choosing this.
END.
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That’s it, I really, really hope someone reviews it I’m excited to see what people think about it. Now on to issue 2.
So how was it? good or bad. Aw come on guys. No comments?
I know what it feels likee bro lol. Havin no comments on your stories. I’m not gonna give a review-because I’m not good at it lol. However, I think its a bit lifeless. They dont really say things naturrally-it sounds stiff and plain. I dunno, maybe its because there’s no pictures. :/
I’m working on it.
REVIEW UP TO PAGE 22:
–Does Jackson know Drake? I feel like it’s inconsistent. On the one hand, Tobias introduces Drake as “Drake, my first son,” which suggests to me that Tobias feels that he needs to introduce Drake to Jackson. That suggests to me that Jackson doesn’t know Drake. On the other hand, Jackson tries to assure him that Drake was a good kid. That suggests to me that Jackson did know Drake. If Jackson is just offering empty reassurance (without having known Drake), then it might be clearer to say something like “I’m sure he was a good kid.”
I’d sort of like more personalization here. For example, maybe Jackson gets some lines here that add to the conversation. Right now, I think he’s unfortunately just listening as Tobias explains what feels like a pretty generic backstory (killed kid -> sad father). For example, depending on Jackson’s background*, maybe the first thing that comes to mind when he hears that the kid died is that he was murdered. If so, he might ask a question like “Did the police catch the guy that did it?” or “Did the police catch him?” Anyway, I would recommend giving Jackson a bigger role to play here. (If he did know Drake, maybe he has an interesting anecdote he can share in a panel or two). Maybe Tobias finishes/builds on the anecdote or does one himself.
*For example, if the city has major crime problems, if Jackson comes from a working-class area and is more exposed to crime than the wealthier Tobias, etc.
“I can’t imagine how Jason feels.” I’m not sure this sounds believable/natural. (Or, at least, Jackson isn’t developed well enough to make this sound believable). For example, unless Jackson is an unusually sentimental guy, I think it might feel more natural for him to phrase it as “How did Jason take it?” rather than idly wondering about somebody’s emotions. (This might also give you an opportunity to develop Jason. For example, “How did Jason take it?” “I have no idea” would suggest that Jason keeps his cards close to his chest and is a bit hard to read. (Not surprising, if he’s leading a double-life). It would also make Tobias sound sharper (e.g. aware of his limitations).
“He went his way!” I think “his” should be “this.”
“Brock and the Delinquents” is the name of the gang? If these guys are wannabe thugs (which is the impression I get from them being former college students), maybe something like [Rich-Sounding Location] Thugs/Gangstas/Enforcers/Toughs/etc. Ivy Hill Thugs, represent!
“We have a very close relationship.” I like this (although I suspect that you could have implied that they have run into each other with dialogue). For example, if Brock has interacted with Theo before, you can try working in “again” into Theo’s lines of dialogue to suggest that this isn’t the first time. “He went this way. Don’t let him get away again!”
“I can’t help it if I’m addicted to danger.” This could be wittier if it had a witty, maybe mildly insulting response, like “I can’t help it if I’m addicted to sanity. Get here or [vague threat, maybe a comical one].”
“You left them a note telling them it was you.” “Yeah, I’m crazy like that.” I think this response could be more natural. Maybe something less circumspect. Maybe something like “You left them a note telling them it was you.” “How else were they going to find me?”
“Jason? He has to stop doing that.” “Jason?” is addressed to Jason? But “He has to stop doing that” is idle musing to himself. I’d recommend breaking them into separate bubbles (preferably separate panels) to help show that there’s a bit of time elapsing.
“Sometimes I can’t help but feel responsible for getting Theo into these messes.” I would recommend having him show his feelings more through actions and what he implies through conversation rather than having him explicitly tell us what he feels.
–“I guess its because ever since I lost my bro, the rest of my family has been very distant.”
“I’ll advice [advise?] you to stop talking now.” Is that consistent with his voice? (First, “advise” implies that what he’s saying is just a suggestion rather than a DO X OR GET BEAT UP. Second, it’s sort of a white-collar term. It’d fit an attorney or a college dean/counselor/professor, but I’m not sure it fits here. Lastly, “I’d advise you to” is probably unnecessary.
“I’ve always seen things differently, literally.” I sort of like the metaphor here, but I think vision could be figuratively in a sharper way. For example, what do you think about something like “I didn’t expect we’d see eye-to-eye. You couldn’t.”
“Apparently during those quick flashes, my mind processes things faster than normal…cool! I know.” First, this sounds like he’s really new to his powers. Second, could you show this? For example, you can stretch out a few moments of time to make us see that he’s operating very quickly. If I wanted to show that John Doe had really fast reflexes, I might do a page showing him out-reacting someone who had a head start on him. For example, panel 1 might be Doe seeing the criminal reach for the gun, panel 2 might be Doe starting several motions at the same time (like reaching for a gun with one hand, diving to the side and maybe grabbing an innocent bystander with the other hand as he does so), panel 3 might be the criminal getting the gun out, panel 4 might be John landing on the ground and the criminal struggling to line up a shot on John (because he was moving) and panel 5 would be John shooting the criminal. That page worth of panels covers maybe 1-2 seconds of real time but he’s doing a lot of coordinated things.
“On you!” Hmm. This idiom is new to me.
“Hey Peaches, I know we’re close and all, but seriously, personal space.” I think this sort of detracts from the intensity of the fight. Maybe he could deliver this line after he’s knocked the guy away?
–I would recommend clearing up the grammar/punctuation/sentence fragments/etc. before submitting. For example, on page 13, “Its always fun” should have an apostrophe in it’s, “today’s gonna be long day” is missing “a,” etc. I would recommend paying ESPECIALLY close attention to the text that readers will see—I think there’s somewhat more tolerance for typos in the parts of the script that only editors and artists will see, but the dialogue/captions/narration and other text that the readers will see should be typo-free.
If I haven’t gotten up to page 28 by the end of Saturday, could you remind me?
Thanks B.Mac and Nicholas Case, Means I have to work on dialogue. I’ll remind you bmac
No problem bro-always happy to help!
Ok Damzo I decided to review your story. I’ll try and write my review a.s.a.p.
I feel like the lady coming out with the shotgun is sort of a contrived way to resolve the problem (him passing out). Maybe Theo sneaks off and thinks about running away, but then has a clever idea and yells “POLICE! FREEZE” in a really deep voice from the alley. It would sort of make sense if the criminals took off running if they heard that. In contrast, I think the lady coming out is like getting saved by the calvary.
“Was she hot?” “Elderly.” “Does it matter?” “No comment.” I like this exchange, although it does raise questions about his sanity.
“Go ask your puppy.” “I just did.” “Touche.” I don’t understand this exchange.
“I always win.” “Oh, shut up.” Haha.
“I don’t remember choosing this.” I like this. It’s less melodramatic and more sober than most authors would have handled this.
“New Mardon Police Department…” Mardon or Marden?
Thanks so much guys, your comments are really helpful.
Thank you Nicholas for the coming review.
Hi guys, does anybody have any recommended books or comics I can read that is quite similar to my story’s genre that may improve my writing.
Mmm… I’m not sure, but I’ll think about it!
There is Kick-Ass, it’s not very much like your story, but it’s an out-of-the-box take on superheroes if you’re interested.
Oh yeah, thanks Myna. I’ve actually read it, i’ll probably go over it again.
i just read through script and i must say i’m partly impressed. though ure EVC is slightly overrated you did not take my advice concerning it. if your protagonist found himself in a situation that contained guns and bullets i believe he would die. “go and ask your puppy” could be better. there are also the uses of common catch phrases used in cartoons that i believe you could do without. peace out :p
“ThatDudeYouHate,” I don’t think anybody hates anybody here. Please don’t conflate career advice and/or writing opinions with personal animus.
Hey, B.Mac could you please clear my review forum as I want to start afresh and I think that the forum ha become to long.
Either that or you could please just delete this review forum and make a new one, maybe you could name it Damzo’s Review Forum or something like that. Thanks
@ B.Mckenzie i was just trying 2 voice my opinion and with all due respect EAT A DICK
[Editor's note: If you're trying to become a professional writer and/or editor, I would recommend practicing more how to express creative disagreements in a more professional way. The first step to professionalism is that you need to take yourself seriously and, obviously, convince others to do the same. Best of luck moving forward somewhere else. Also, and I don't mean this as a shot at you, but if you find my attitude highly aggravating, I would recommend looking into industries besides publishing because most editors would respond to "eat a dick" less politely than by just banning you-revealing your IP address and exposing you to online or offline harassment is a distinct possibility].
@ THATDUDEYOUHATE there was no need for insult. Can we just clear the forum. I have a new idea.
What I hate is your childish attitude. It makes one question your mental maturity and professionalism. I would suggest you keep petty arguments and childish insults to yourself and if you have something to say, say it like an adult. Your attitude will get you nowhere as it is now.
Damzo, I’ve set up a new forum for you here. I can delete this one, but I’d like to make sure you have the link to the new one first.