Jan 02 2011

A.T. Marie’s Review Forum

Published by at 11:25 am under Review Forums

I’m writing a superhero memoir.

3 responses so far

3 Responses to “A.T. Marie’s Review Forum”

  1. A. T. Marieon 09 Jan 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Excerpt:

    “Prologue:

    Have you ever taken a stab in the dark when answering a question and got it exactly right? Did you predict the future in a dream and watch as it comes true before your very eyes? Maybe had feelings towards somebody you’d never think you’d have? Have you ever taken a thought from someone’s mind and spoken it aloud? Maybe just said something at the same time as the person next to you?

    Of course you have.
    These are just weird occurrences that seem to go unnoticed in the world of humans and science. We never think that it could be deduced to something more. With most people there isn’t something more. We all have the same basic brain structure; our thought pattern is bound to overlap someone else’s. And those feelings probably were already there but just hidden.

    Like I said, most people. Not me.

    For me these occurrences, they happened in a pattern. They became more like symptoms, slowly but surely getting more and more frequent until I couldn’t ignore them anymore. They weren’t symptoms to a disease or a malfunction. Nothing like that. They were catalysts to a reaction in my brain. A reaction that caused my IQ to skyrocket. I became a super genius. Something that nobody thought was humanly possible. And that’s what this story is about. Not some scientific explanation of the way my brain works. This is the story of my life and how I went from a student with a 3.2 grade average to a celebrity who saved Hollywood. All because of my brain and its decision to evolve, so to speak. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start from the beginning.”

    So my editor thinks I should cut this. What do you think?

  2. B. Macon 10 Jan 2011 at 12:30 am

    My main concern with this prologue is that the narrator does not come across very strongly or distinctly. I couldn’t tell you much about his/her personality or voice based on it.

    I feel like this opening could be more distinct. For example, “predict the future in a dream and watch as it comes true” is pretty generic. You could help set the tone and make the character a bit more memorable by picking out a particular experience people might have predicted in their life, like Aunt Sue dying in a fire or something really cheerful or whatever.

    I feel like the prologue buries the lede. If I had to pick one idea that feels the most important of everything here, it’d be that the character becomes a super-genius that saves Hollywood. I don’t feel like the first two paragraphs build into that very well.

  3. Nicholas Case (justin credible)on 13 Jan 2011 at 8:24 pm

    I know that I’m not a super talented writer but the intro kind of makes you want to stop reading right then.
    “Have you ever taken a stab in the dark when answering a question and got it exactly right?”
    To me that made no sense. What I visualized is you answering a question in the dark and getting stabbed in the knife. First, why would I be answering a question in the dark? (Power outage maybe?) I know you wanted you intro to be distinct but it was distinct and hard to understand. And you made it seem like some guy in a mental institute becomes a genius but a super-genius that saves Hollywood? It was kind of misleading and random.

    The first thing I noticed off hand that you used “YOU”. From what I know, you never use ‘you’ because that makes the reader the subject that the narrator is talking to. Narrators never talk DIRECTLY to the audience, more like an indirect way by talking about the person.

    Also who is this ‘I’ persona? Is there any reason to hide the name? Maybe you could delay it by having an antagonist or some other protagonist. B.Mac complimented me on my introduction,
    –I think the opening sentence is effective. It tells us something about the character (the first clause suggests that he’s experienced) and the second clause is pleasantly unexpected.
    That can be viewed here and I’m not trying to boast or anything but I do think that you should check out the intro.
    Here is the first piece of the story.
    ps the full begging part is here,
    http://www.superheronation.com/2011/01/04/nicholas-cases-review-forum/#comment-101004
    Haden had seen many dawns before, but never from the belly of a cannon. “Sir! Armor-X is ready to fire! I will fire on command!” said the Armorgeddon soldier.
    “Fire!” Haden commanded with slight hesitation. There was a catch in his voice that signaled that he wasn’t sure of it. What if the laser discharges and blow us all up-or what if it destroyed the entire world? “Let’s conquer this ball of dirt…” Haden uttered to himself to keep the guilt at bay as he watched a white ball of energy blitz over the plains in Indonesia. People in Europe and Asia watched what looked like a meteor streak across the sky. TSSSOW-BOOOOOOOOM!!! The ball exploded, covering the entire horizon in a blinding white light.

    Right off the bat you want to know, “What the heck is a guy doing inside of a cannon?!” Getting stabbed in the dark makes one think it is a horror story and where there’s no horror, you’ve lost a horror reader.

    Also you wrote it as if the narrator has already completed the plot and it kills the suspense of ‘OMG will they make it?!’-key part.

    Also, “Let’s start from the beginning.” I just read three paragraphs of misleading info just to be taken BACK and then work my way BACK to the 3 paragraphs were I started. The editor’s right, kill the intro dead. Start from the beginning and not the resolution and the intro will be much more effective!

    This is just MY opinion and what I’ve researched on this site.
    Justin Credible

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