Nov 14 2010

Dan Lee’s Review Forum

Published by at 1:52 pm under Review Forums

The Reapers are a secret organization of superheroes like the Avengers and the three main protagonists below are a part of the group. As they become closer, they form their own kind of group, the New Reapers.

Dan is a 14 year old dealing with a traumatic past (the death of his best friend, a near-death experience himself and bullying). He has a mixed sense of humour and a happy personality. His superpowers include supersenses, the ability to walk/float on air, communicate mentally, create temporary forcefields, psychomemory, the ability to heal wounds, and fast reflexes.

Max is another 14 year old, a prankster with a good sense of humor and a funny personality. He’s very agile, can file, controls fire, and is smart and resourceful.

Hayley is another 14 year old, quiet and dangerous when provoked. She has a very mixed personality and is a bit flirty. Her brother got killed on military duty in Afghanistan. Her powers are durability, speed, the ability to see the past and sometimes the future, and the ability to duplicate herself and people on some occasions.

What do you think? Do you have any suggestions?

35 responses so far

35 Responses to “Dan Lee’s Review Forum”

  1. Dan Leeon 21 Nov 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Hey anyone wanna comment on this charcter names/identitys –
    Red dragon
    Celtic warior
    FallenAngel
    Danny Flash
    The Pro
    The Defender
    and how about this for a team of heroes like the Avengers only mine and original here it is – The Protectors
    good or bad? I think my protectors is pretty smart actually
    make sure to leave your comments

  2. B. Macon 21 Nov 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Fallen Angel and Danny Flash strike me as lively. Celtic Warrior is okay. With Red Dragon, I sort of suspect there are more interesting adjectives available than a color.

    “The Defender” and “The Protectors” sound sort of generic, like The Guardians. I’d recommend something more distinct to this group in particular.

    I think “The Pro” would be rather hard to use in conversation. (Also, on a team named the Protectors, I think that the Pro could probably use a more distinct name).

  3. Dan Leeon 22 Nov 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Ok thanks, but on a scale of 1 to 10.
    Good or bad ideas one being the lowest

  4. thepopeofbeerson 22 Nov 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Red Dragon makes me think of the Hannibal Lecter book/movie. Not sure how many other people will make that connection as most people seem to be trying to forget that movie ever existed.

  5. B. Macon 22 Nov 2010 at 8:29 pm

    I think that it’s hard to gauge the quality of a name without knowing something about the plot, the characters’ personalities, the characters’ roles, the story’s mood and target audience, etc.

    For example, I could see some situations where “The Pro” would be an okay title (assuming the character had a more natural name available for conversational use). However, if his name is The Pro because he’s (say) a professional athlete, I think better options are available.



    Also, there was no way you could have known this, but one of my quirks is that I don’t usually grade with numbers. Since 99%+ of stories are not yet ready to publish, numeric grades can be very demoralizing.


    As I noted above, the three names that I would recommend changing at some point are the Protectors, the Defender, and the Pro. However, I think that having the perfect names at this point doesn’t really matter–characters usually fluctuate heavily before the first draft is complete, so what might be a great name now might not work by the time you’re ready to submit. I would recommend writing pages of the story or at least a preliminary synopsis as soon as possible.

  6. Dan Leeon 23 Nov 2010 at 11:20 am

    ok, here is a few of the characters that are going to appear in my new draft that im working on as we speak, i will also give you there personality, abilities and powers:

    Dan-
    part of a special group called The Reapers
    14 years of age
    had a couple of traumatic experiences and lost his best friend, had a near death experience and a victim of bullying.
    mixed sense of humour and happy personality
    Powers-
    Supersenses
    can walk/float on air (gravity)
    able to communicate through mental abilities
    tempory forcefield and only works if he gets angry
    psychomemoery
    ability to heal wounds and has fast reflexes (healing once used has 10 hours to recharge)

    Max-
    part of The Reapers
    14 years of age
    pranker and good sense of humour, a funny personality
    Powers- very agile
    ability to fly
    control over fire
    smart
    resourceful

    Hayley-
    part of The Reapers
    14 years of age
    quiet,dangerous when provoked, a very mixed personality and a bit of a flirt
    brother got killed on military duty in afghanistan
    Powers- durability
    fast
    can see the past and sometimes the future
    ability to duplicate herself and people on some occasions

    The Reapers are a secret organization of superheroes like the avengers and the three good main charcters listed above are all apart of the group and as the three become closer they form there own kind of group and fight as a team known to them as The New Reapers.

  7. NicKennyon 23 Nov 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Just one thing man, and i’m sure everyone else will agree. Waaaaaayyyyy overpowered. Plus the fact that your characters all appear to be superfast. How’ll you distinguish them?

  8. Dan Leeon 23 Nov 2010 at 12:36 pm

    I’d like [X] to be in the first post

    if thats ok, Thanks Dan

  9. Dan Leeon 23 Nov 2010 at 1:13 pm

    I hear you, this is only my ideas and drafts so its not ready yet Ive still got to think of what would be good for the characters. ya know? and when you say fast only Hayley is fast but she hasn’t got super speed or anything for the fact i didn’t want her to be too powerful and Ive given some abilities a consequence or side effect, also for dan (meant to be Danny Flash) only has gravity so he can walk on air but even that has a day charge and 10 hours for usage and max is agile in the way hes able to not get hurt as bad and Danny flash is only a bit more powerful because Hes one of the main characters and he is the one kinda with the most to lose and is the leader of his group The new Reapers but my idea is i don’t want him to be to powerful but i don’t want him to be too weak, also, you see what i mean?
    Thanks Dan Lee or The FallenAngel

  10. Dan Leeon 23 Nov 2010 at 1:14 pm

    my brother has just got a new HD Cam today cant wait to use it, HeHe?

  11. Dan Leeon 23 Nov 2010 at 1:40 pm

    by the3 way B. Mac on agent orange 3 and 5 possibly look the best and for catastrophe 2

  12. Ragged Boyon 23 Nov 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Hello Dan Lee,

    Here’s what I think of your character layout:

    – I think before giving powers you should flesh out their peronalities more. Your descriptions of the characters were a bit general. What defines a funny personality? Is he sarcastic? is he wry? is he frank? an over-optimist? What is a very mixed personality? is she cynical? Is she snarky?

    – Their ages could be considered a bit young depending on the audience your going for. If you’re planning on aimer at an older demographic I’m recommend kicking them up to at least 16 to make the mood more serious. Unless of course you were planning something with their ages, in which case, plan carefully.

    – I have to agree with NicKenny that they are a bit overpowered. And if not that their abilites feel a bit random. With trios you can give each character a specific role and base their powers around the role (or at least that’s what I do. Haha). For example, a sniper, an assassin, and a technician makes a pretty effective tactical trio, right? With the powers you could do something like:

    Sniper – Enhanced perception, heightened reflexes and balance, and thermal vision.

    Assissin – Camoflauge skin, night vision, wall-crawling, and poison breath.

    Technician- Technopathology would be cliche so, photographic memory, an electric aura, and telekinesis.

    This is an okay example, but you get the idea. Play around with some ideas.

    – Also, if you really plan on getting published you’re going to have to work on your writing mechanics. When you’re drafting be sure to proofread or have someone else proofread over your work for any errors too make sure it’s all clean.

    Hope this helps. 🙂

  13. B. Macon 23 Nov 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Hey, Dan! Here are some initial impressions on the powers and personalities, before I read anybody else’s comments.

    “Dan is a 14 year old dealing with a traumatic past (the death of his best friend, a near-death experience himself and bullying). He has a mixed sense of humour and a happy personality.” I like that he’s cheerful, which is a bit unexpected for a trauma victim. It might help to flesh out his personality more. What’s he like when he’s not just being happy? (For example, how would his decisions be different than, say, Max’s?) I think distinct personalities usually lead to more interesting and likable characters.

    “[Dan’s] superpowers include supersenses, the ability to walk/float on air, communicate mentally, create temporary forcefields, psychomemory, the ability to heal wounds, and fast reflexes.” There’s a lot going on here. I think fast reflexes could be removed pretty easily because the other characters seem to be agile and/or fast themselves and because it doesn’t feel like reflexes fit in with Dan’s other abilities, which are mainly psychic.

    Besides forcefields and reflexes, it doesn’t seem like Dan has many combat skills. It might help to swap out 1-2 of his current abilities for something that will help him participate in battle. For example, maybe getting rid of healing wounds and the supersenses in favor of a power like telekinesis or mentally generated weaponry.

    What is psychomemory?

    For authorial distance reasons, I would recommend against giving a protagonist the same name as the author.

    “Max is another 14 year old, a prankster with a good sense of humor and a funny personality. He’s very agile, can file, controls fire, and is smart and resourceful.”

    I think it’s unusual and fun that the fire-controller is smart and resourceful (usually they’re the group’s hotheaded idiot).

    What’s his personality like when he’s not being funny? What sort of things matter to him? What are his goals like?

    I think agility and/or particularly flight could be removed from the character pretty easily. The group already has one character that can mostly fly (Dan), I think that Max’s ability to fly is mostly redundant. (Also, removing the ability to fly will help reduce some of the similarity between Max and the Human Torch).

    “Hayley is another 14 year old, quiet and dangerous when provoked… Her brother got killed on military duty in Afghanistan.” That sounds interesting.

    “She has a very mixed personality and is a bit flirty.” There appears to be a discrepancy between the character’s quiet and dangerous attitude (which suggests that she’s not very outgoing) and flirtiness, which suggests extroversion and a carefree attitude. Is there a good reason for this discrepancy? If not, I would recommend cutting the flirtiness.

    I would recommend eliminating some of her powers. Right now it feels like a grab bag with a bunch of powers that don’t have much connection to each other (prophecy? superspeed? self-duplication?) I think that the element of prophecy fits in nicely with her quiet/dangerous/moody personality. Being able to see troubling events could really mess someone up. I’m not quite feeling the mix of superspeed and durability. I feel like it’d be really hard to challenge her.

    Okay, now I’ll look at other comments here.

  14. B. Macon 23 Nov 2010 at 6:03 pm

    “Just one thing man… Way overpowered. Plus the fact that your characters all appear to be superfast. How’ll you distinguish them?”

    I agree that Hayley will be very hard to challenge. Superspeed and durability alone would make it very hard to actually endanger her. Prophecy and self-duplication will probably make it even harder. I don’t feel that the other two are overpowered, but their powers are sort of random.



    “I think before giving powers you should flesh out their peronalities more. Your descriptions of the characters were a bit general.” Agreed.

  15. B. Macon 23 Nov 2010 at 6:36 pm

    PS: Thanks for offering advice on my character design. I agree with you that #3 and #5 had the most potential and Rebecca did a few detailed headshots based on #3 and #5 here. I ended up going with #5 and you can see what that will look like in the finished comics by looking at my colored sample pages here.

    As for Catastrophe’s character design, I’m really unsure at this point. The good news is that Catastrophe doesn’t appear in the first comic, so I can hold off on his character design until after getting published.

  16. Dan Leeon 26 Nov 2010 at 7:40 am

    Yeah, I think I need to take out hayleys ability of durability and speed, then take Out max’s flying power and possibly danny flash’s healing power.

  17. Dan Leeon 27 Nov 2010 at 8:59 am

    ok now heres a quick look at one of my scenes that takes place in Danny Flash’s high school. Hope you like it its one of the starting scenes. Im going to set it out so theres a page or two of each of the young protagonists and then start to put together everything else, also i am doing this because all three of them don’t know each other yet and they have different views and personalities/life but all have the same thing happen to them. Anyway here it is…

    Teacher: Dan! DAN! are you listening?
    Danny Flash: yep, I was listening (Ahh damn it)
    Teacher: Sure, well if you have been listening you can tell me what i just said to the class?
    D.F: something about my amazing homework that has somehow disappeared off my page and that you’re the coolest teacher ever.
    Teacher: Nice Try Dan, i am going to have to talk to you at Lunch!
    Other Student: way to go Loser, you have a fun Lunch with the teacher. ( the other students laugh)
    D.F: Funny Kostechki, why are you such a twat *whispers* (F!”$@*g B@%$”£d)

    thats part of Danny flash intro
    im going to make a start on Max and his intro story.
    Thanks Dan Lee
    P.S: Hope you like it so far?

  18. B. Macon 27 Nov 2010 at 11:19 pm

    –This opening is serviceable but this is our first glimpse of Danny and I think it’d help if we saw something more memorable/distinctive to establish that the character is interesting. One possibility that comes to mind is starting off this sequence with a daydream by Danny. I think that’d help show some of his unique qualities (like the sorts of things that interest him, what sort of things he values most, etc).

    –Rather than having him deliver “ahh damn it” as internal monologue, there may be better ways to show us that he’s spaced out/isn’t listening. Showing a daydream is one way. Another would be cutting down to a sheet on his desk, but instead of notes for class it’s crazy doodlings.

    Teacher: “Sure, well if you have been listening you can tell me what i just said to the class?” Could maybe be shortened. What do you think about “TEACHER, looking skeptical: What did I just say to the class?”

    –“something about my amazing homework that has somehow disappeared off my page and that you’re the coolest teacher ever.” I think you’ve got a pretty good setup for this line. It may be possible to try something a bit smoother. Maybe something like “The homework was optional?”

    “Teacher: Nice Try Dan, i am going to have to talk to you at Lunch!” Could be shortened to “TEACHER, annoyed: “I will speak to you during lunch.”

    “Way to go loser, you have a nice fun with the teacher.” Could be shortened to just “Way to go, loser.”

  19. Dan Leeon 28 Nov 2010 at 9:47 am

    Thanks I will see how it goes and patch it up. I’m doing max now so hopefully I can show his intro to everyone soon.
    Thanks

  20. B. Macon 28 Nov 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Okay, cool. I’m looking forward to it.

  21. Dan Leeon 04 Dec 2010 at 2:10 pm

    merry christmas everyone even though its not christmas yet. Sorry i haven’t been on while and ive got my artwork stuff sorted out hopefully when its ready so.

  22. Gurion Omegaon 17 Dec 2010 at 5:53 pm

    To me, there seems to be some incoherency in Hayley’s powers. Duplication and the ability to see the future and the past? Maybe her abilities can branch off of each other, i.e. like maybe with Duplication, she can assume the form of the person (you said she can make copies of other people, si?) she copies. I just don’t see how they all tie in together.

  23. Dan Leeon 12 Mar 2011 at 11:37 am

    yes, Im still working on that its all in a bit of a bind at the minute.
    not been on for ages aswell and partly to do with GCSE and Coursework, so i have been very busy lately.
    Sorry everyone that i have not been on for like YEARS LOL, hopefully i will be able to get back to work again soon.
    Over and out, CDT Dan Lee!
    and how you doing B.Mac?

    by the way B.Mac i think that the ‘The homework was optional’ is starting to grow on me just now that i looked at it

    By the way everyone i have got my own blog now aswell so if everyone would mind having a look at it and subscribing to it thanks, hope you all like it?
    Over and out, CDT Dan Lee

  24. Dan Leeon 08 Dec 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Hey guys im back and dont worry i have still been working, not so hard unfortunely, but what matters is im back and will give you guys some of my ideas and works in progress

  25. bretton 09 Dec 2011 at 2:01 am

    Looking forward to it!

  26. R.L. Junioron 10 Dec 2011 at 11:49 am

    Im interested in reading more of your story. I will be looking out for your posts.

  27. Dan Leeon 16 Dec 2011 at 4:19 pm

    ok, im going to Edinburgh this weekend so that might even hopefully give me inspiration for something and it also means i will bring my pad and my writing supplies and maybe try and get somewhere with my comics

  28. Dan Leeon 16 Dec 2011 at 4:21 pm

    by the way B.Mac i have found an aretrist that is very good and easy to work with she is know living half way around the world but we still can get stuff done, she is also a very good personal freind of mine. talk to you all soon

  29. Dan Leeon 16 Dec 2011 at 4:33 pm

    see you guys in the morning as will be on the train at about 5 or 6, see ya

  30. Dan Leeon 22 Dec 2011 at 1:19 pm

    i was thinking that we could all work together on like a christmas comic (a short one), just wondering if anyone would be interested and if so please comment. Thank you

  31. Dan Leeon 22 Dec 2011 at 1:21 pm

    has anyone heard of a little thing called Sharpie Revolution,(it’s not really a thing it s a book)?

  32. Dan Leeon 22 Dec 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Edinburgh had an amazing atmosphere and the city was buzzing, very stocked up with some christmas spirit.

  33. Dan Leeon 24 Dec 2011 at 2:04 pm

    MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE! ONE AND ALL!

  34. Dan Leeon 26 Dec 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Hope everyone gor some good presents, i got a couple of comics and graphic novels (comic book ones), Marvel and DC Vault, so reasonably happy.

  35. Marquison 26 Dec 2011 at 1:02 pm

    i got an ipod touch, not what i wanted ( Wanted a new playstation 3 ) But i love this thing
    There’s an app for everything

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