Apr 18 2010

Ro’s Review Forum

Published by at 7:00 pm under Review Forums

Please see the comments below.  Thanks!

28 responses so far

28 Responses to “Ro’s Review Forum”

  1. Roon 27 Apr 2010 at 6:37 am

    Yessir! Im here and excited to be sharing my ideas and concepts with everybody. All comments and suggestions are welcomed, I just want to get better. So here we go!!

    The story I am currently working on can be considered a supernatural/sci-fi/fantasy novel, and/or comic book.

    Two powerful deities have been and are still battling for control of the universe. their battlefield is found primarily on Earth. Humans have unknowingly become chess pieces is this contest of power.

    The two deities are known as The Sovereign and The Departed.

    The Sovereign is the creator everything. He created the Earth and its inhabitants. And when he was finished he fell in love with his creations. A portion of The Sovereigns followers became jealous of the attention that the lowly humans were getting from him so they plotted to overthrow his reign. This group was lead by The Departed. As a result they were banished from Sovereigns realm and sent to Earth.

    Hence, The departed has been tormenting the humans in an effort to hurt The Sovereign. History has recorded heroes that have represented The Sovereign and protected humanity. But now the heroes of are all gone and the departed is mobilizing his forces in such away that it will shake the Earth to it’s very core.

    The Sovereign has sent his reply. He is raising new heroes that will carry his abilities and that will fight the forces of evil to the death.

    Ok i have ran out of time for right now…but i will have character bios and a first chapter very soon…Thanx

  2. Dforceon 27 Apr 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Very interesting.

    Have you read any material from Gnosticism? Your ideas seem influenced by their writing (as some of mine are as well). If you haven’t, maybe you outta read a few things—especially their creation myth.

    The creation myth is a bit “out there,” but I enjoyed myself reading it as a story.

    Is this going to be a superhero team story or a fantasy party out to fight evil?

    Also, have you looked at Cast Calculus?

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CastCalculus

    or Five Man Band?

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FiveManBand

    I ask because it seems you’re gonna need quite a bit of characters if your story has a cosmic scale.

  3. Roon 27 Apr 2010 at 1:05 pm

    As of right now i was planning on the story centering around a trio of heroes. I have started out giving the grandiose scale so as to give a solid backdrop for the story. But i plan on starting relatively small and then expanding as the story progresses.

    My first main character is Nisan. He was born and raised in the city to a single mother. He doesn’t know that that his father is actually The Sovereign. His mother was killed when he was 11 years old. So he was passed around from foster home to foster home until he was 18. The story picks up 2 years later. Him working just barely making ends meet. And thats when his abilties began to manifest.

    Name: Nisan (still coming with the last name lol)
    personality: eccentric, creative, clever, sarcastic, loner, intrepid, reckless

    Powers/abilities: Superhuman physical attributes, superhuman awareness, and miracle manipulation.
    Miracle manipulation allows him to bend and manipulate the laws of any enviroment that he is in. So for example, on Earth he could walk on water, run up walls, or fly. This could change if he is in a different dimension with different laws.
    He will encounter different artifacts and weponry that will enhance or even change these abilities at times throughout the story.

    The second main character is Malek.
    Malek was a member of the Fallen that answer to The Departed. However he decides that he no longer wants to be apart of the darkness that The Departed is ushering. So he becomes a fugitive. Now he is on a constant search for redemption. This is his motive for becoming Earth’s guardian. As the guardian, he fights any and all threats that endanger humanity. He witnessed the actions of Nisan and realizes that he is a child of the Sovereign so he decides to protect and guide him with the idea that this kid could be the key to his redemption.

    Name: Malek
    Personality: cynical, methodical, serious, alien, logical,
    Powers/abilities: Ability to manipulate a spirit energy known as anima. This allows him to perform incredible feats of power. Superhuman attributes, flight, energy blasts.
    Weapin of choice is a lance.

  4. Roon 01 May 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Change of plans.

    Nisan’s only ability will be miracle manipulation. He is physically inferior and has severe lack of willpower. Hence his abilities are contingent upon how much confidence and willpower he asserts he often times loses control of his abilities, which can have devestating effects. so he generally limits his miracles to smaller miracles unless the situation forces him to expand.

    He generates a miracle effect field that causes unexpected phenomena to happen within the area of this field. He also can create spheres of energy that he can throw which then effects the area where he threw the sphere in the same manner.

    But the newest character doesnt have a name yet. He has superhuman attributes(Strength, speed, durability, refelexes, dexterity, agility, and stamina). He carries a sword. This sword gives him adavnced combat strategies and tactics and makes him a highly skilled fighter. He picks up on fighting styles and techniques almost instantly and can perfrom them to perfection. The sword is in what is known as a blood sheathe. in order for his sword to appear he must first draw blood from himself. im setting him up to be the de facto leader of the group.

    Malek is changing as well. Im gonna make her a girl. her powers and abilities are the same as well as her personality. She is still searching for redemption but as the story progresses she will no longer do what she does for redemption but becasuse she and the new character will fall in love.

    The story setting will be a post apocalyptic world. A major catastrophe has happened that wiped out a portion of the population across the globe. The humans that were not wiped out have been warped and have superhuman abilities.

    I promise im coming with a chapter soon…im trying to iron a few things out in my mind but its coming…lol thanx

  5. Roon 01 May 2010 at 4:03 pm

    The newest character’s name will be Sang. Sang is short for sanguine.

    So here is the squad so far…

    Name: Sang
    Personality: Intrepid, reckless, courageous, sacrificial, strongwilled/stubborn,
    Powers/abilities: Blood sheathed sword, affinity for combat strategy, tactics, and fighting. Superhuman strength, speed, durability, agility, reflexes, dexterity, and stamina.

    Name: Malek(?)
    Personality: cynical, methodical, serious, alien, logical,
    Powers/abilities: Ability to manipulate a spirit energy known as anima. This allows he to perform incredible feats of power. Superhuman attributes, flight, energy blasts.
    Weapon of choice is a lance

    name: Nisan
    personality: eccentric, creative, clever, sarcastic, loner
    Powers/abilities: Miracle effect field and miracle spheres. Ability to manipulate and generate unnatural phenomena also known as miracles. This allows him to fly, run up walls, walk on water, etc.

  6. B. Macon 01 May 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Maybe you could give the characters something a bit more unexpected. For example, how is Sang different than other reckless fighter characters, like Conan the Barbarian? What’s he like outside of combat? How is Malek different than other super-logical characters, like Spock? What makes him cynical rather than, say, idealistic? (For example, maybe he’s experienced something terrible or he was betrayed). Why will readers care that his weapon is a lance rather than, say, a sword? What makes Nisan a loner? Why does he avoid other people?

    How is Nisan’s sarcasm different than Malek’s cynicism?

    By my count, we have something like 15-20 powers between the three characters. Do you think readers will be able to keep track of all of them?

  7. Roon 01 May 2010 at 9:11 pm

    Ok thanx B.Mac…So im going to go ahead and revamp the characters because you are correct about the personalities.

    Sang has a dark sense of humor. So during battle he sorta giggles to himself. Not real loud so you can only hear him if you get close enough to him. He reacts to horror movies the way most people react to comedies. He purposely does things to get a reaction from people around him, because that also amuses him. He does his best to hide his morbidity from others but often loses control and laughs or makes jokes at inoppurtune moments. This makes him appear insensitive or apathetic to situations around him, but he actually is vigilant and analytical. He is also intrepid and appears reckless but he is always analyzing situations and strategizing despite the facade that he portrays. He is willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good.

    Nisan is eccentric. He views the world completely different than everyone else. An extension of this eccentricity is his cynicism. Due to the lack of kindness and his own frailness as a child, he has no faith in the wholesomeness of humanity. He is completely untrusting. Because of the lack of confidence in himself he has difficulty controlling his abilities and has a fear of hurting any and everybody around him. These are the major reasons for his isolation from other people until he meets Sang. He is extremely creative and clever. He has a habit of picking up small materials and sculpting them into shapes and figurines when he is bored. very shy and quiet personality initially, but as he warms up he begins to show a very sarcastic sense of humour.

    Malek(?) is very emotional. She wears her heart on her sleeve. Says what she thinks and doesnt apologize for it. Because of how emotional she is she can appear to be moody. Hot headed. A lot of times she views situations with tunnel vision. So she ignores options and becomes dead set on accomplishing her goal using one method not realizing that there are other ways to do it. She has a very witty sense of humour.

    I dont know about Malek…But I like the other ones. let me know what you guys think…Thanx

  8. B. Macon 02 May 2010 at 7:35 am

    I like the morbid humor angle. I think I have a better feel for him now.

    With Nisan, I feel like there are some wrinkles that could probably be ironed out. Minor stuff, I think. For example, why would he fear hurting people around him? He doesn’t seem like a sentimental, compassionate guy. (Or, if he is sentimental/compassionate despite having these rather cynical views, perhaps you could give a reason for the apparent discrepancy).

    He has no faith in the wholesomeness of humanity, right? I think that distrust/paranoia/suspicion would make for a smoother explanation for his loner-ness than a fear of hurting people.

    So far, Malek seems sort of one-dimensional (overemotional). I’d recommend giving her another dimension. Ideally something unexpected for an overemotional character, particularly an overemotional female character. I think that the stereotype would be that such a character would become hysterical and useless as soon as things got dangerous. Can you think of ways her emotionality makes her more competent? (Maybe she’s great at working with people and/or a strong leader because of her enthusiasm, etc).

  9. Roon 04 May 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Whats good B.Mac. Thanx for the advice. What you say about Nisan makes a lot of sense. So im going to use that angle.

    Nisan is eccentric. He views the world completely different than everyone else. An extension of this eccentricity is his cynicism. Due to the lack of kindness and his own frailness as a child, he has no faith in the wholesomeness of humanity. He is completely untrusting. Because of the lack of confidence in himself he has difficulty controlling his abilities. He is a loner because completely distrusts the nature of people around him because of his experiences in the past. Sang is the first person to break through the walls that Nisan puts up to push people away. He is extremely creative and clever. He has a habit of picking up small materials and sculpting them into shapes and figurines when he is bored. very shy and quiet personality initially, but as he warms up he begins to show a very sarcastic sense of humour.

    Ok so Malek does not have the lance anymore Lol. And she will wont be the love interset for Sang anymore either. She is a former follower of The departed who is searching for redemption. She has become the guardian or hero of earth. after she encounters Sang and the group she decides if she helps them this may be her path to redemption. Sang and Nisan are the only known children of The Sovereign. So they are important parts to The Sovereign’s plans. Hence, The departed is hellbent on destroying his mortal enemies’ offspring. so she vows to protect and guide them.

    Malek has a very aggressive personality. organizes and schedules ideas and the environment to ensure the efficient, productive pursuit of objectives. seeks logical explanations for actions, events, and conclusions, looking for faulty reasoning and lapses in sequence. She is somewhat alien. She has to concentrate and work on her social skills. At times her social awkwardness bleeds through. Odd sense of humor. She struggles with her emotions. Sometimes her emotions causes her to blur her judgement in certain situations.

  10. Roon 04 May 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Sang has a dark sense of humor. So during battle he sorta giggles to himself. Not real loud so you can only hear him if you get close enough to him. He reacts to horror movies the way most people react to comedies. He purposely does things to get a reaction from people around him, because that also amuses him. He does his best to hide his morbidity from others but often loses control and laughs or makes jokes at inoppurtune moments. This makes him appear insensitive or apathetic to situations around him, but he actually is vigilant and analytical. He is also intrepid and appears reckless but he is always analyzing situations and strategizing despite the facade that he portrays. He is willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good.

    Malek has a very aggressive personality. organizes and schedules ideas and the environment to ensure the efficient, productive pursuit of objectives. seeks logical explanations for actions, events, and conclusions, looking for faulty reasoning and lapses in sequence. She is somewhat alien. She has to concentrate and work on her social skills. At times her social awkwardness bleeds through. Odd sense of humor. She struggles with her emotions. Sometimes her emotions causes her to blur her judgement in certain situations.

    Nisan is eccentric. He views the world completely different than everyone else. An extension of this eccentricity is his cynicism. Due to the lack of kindness and his own frailness as a child, he has no faith in the wholesomeness of humanity. He is completely untrusting. Because of the lack of confidence in himself he has difficulty controlling his abilities. He is a loner because completely distrusts the nature of people around him because of his experiences in the past. Sang is the first person to break through the walls that Nisan puts up to push people away. He is extremely creative and clever. He has a habit of picking up small materials and sculpting them into shapes and figurines when he is bored.

    My plan is to have Sang and Nisan save malek from a group of assailants. So thats how they all meet and then the adventure will begin because now that the information is revealed about who they really are the forces of evil know they must destroy them.

    First chapter coming soon…I promise!! lol

    Thanx

  11. Roon 04 May 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Im thinking of adding a fourth character to the group as well…also the villain bios are still coming.

  12. Roon 04 May 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Sang powers/abilities: Blood sheathed sword, Reactive density blood, rapid regeneration, peak human attributes.

    Nisan powers/abilities: Miracle effect field/ miracle effect spheres

    Malek powers/abilities: Anima energy manipulation. Used for a variety of abilities.

  13. Roon 04 May 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Sang powers/abilities: Blood sheathed sword, Reactive density blood, rapid regeneration, peak human attributes. affinity for combat strategy, tactics, and fighting.

    Nisan powers/abilities: Miracle effect field/ miracle effect spheres

    Malek powers/abilities: Anima energy manipulation. Used for a variety of abilities.

    All spiritual beings have the ability to manipulate their own anima. However humans need a weapon or artifact to tap into this ability. The Sovereigns chilfren have the ability to tap into into and use it without a weapon or artifact. Thats how their abilities are performed.

    I ran out of time…Ill finish this thought later. lol Thanx

  14. Anonymouson 11 May 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Here is my first scene. Its rough but let me know what you think. Thanx

    Malek always knew the sky was blue, but she never realized how beautiful it was. She couldn’t stop the questions that were pervading her thoughts. How was this created? By who? Better yet why? So vivid and bright, yet the humans took it for granted. Her mind swarmed as she thought of all the things she had taken for granted over the course of her life. She smiled curiously as she wondered, Is this what they mean when they talk about your life flashing before your eyes?

    Her short time on this Earth had been a pleasant one. The daily occurrences that humans took for granted she was just now starting to understand appreciate for what they really are. She had made mistakes, so many mistakes. But when she decided to rebell against The Departed and his forces, she gave herself a chance to make all those wrongs rights. Now this new world that was intended to be her prison had become a beautiful utopia.

    She forced her eyes closed a she lay on her back, bleeding from multiple wounds.
    She could taste the blood and sweat as she licked her lips. Despite her current predicament the unusual taste intrigued her. That bright blue sky that seemed to come out of a dream now stood as a stark contrast to the nightmare that was preparing to come to a violent end.

    She could hear their heavy footsteps approaching. Their slow distinguished walk of confidence knowing that victory was theirs. More questions. Why did they find me? The Departed doesnt need anymore? Why do i have to die? This caused tears to come. She squeezed her eyes tighter. She would not give them the satisfaction of her tears. She could feel death reverberating through the concrete as she lay still, waiting for it swallow her.

    Then the footsteps stopped directly over her. Malek’s eyes were still closed. She imagined weapons poised above preparing to carry out a precise execution. Then she heard what sounded like a sword piercing armor. She opened her eyes to see her assaialnt standing above her with a crimson blade protruding from his chest. Before she could say anything blood from the blade dripped into her eyes forcing her to snap her eyes shut. She grunted as the blood burned her eyes.

    Malek could hear laughing as the fight began. Pure happiness in the mist of blood and sweat. “Who could this be?” she thought to herself. While her savior was laughing her enemies were screaming for mercy. Their screams lasted until each and every one had been killed. She opened her eyes to witness the resluts of a massacre.

    ThenMalek saw him. He stood their with a smirk. He seemed to be trying to hide his glee but he wasnt doing a good job of it.

    He saw she was looking at him so he made his way towards her. Once he got close he sat next to her to take in his work.

    “Bloody good day for killing, huh?” He said as he started laughing uncontrollably.

    Malek looked at her slaughterd enemies and back at her savior. As she watched him she knew she was witnessing pure joy.

  15. Roon 11 May 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Oh lol I forgot to put my name. Thats me that posted that. So let me know what you think.

  16. Roon 11 May 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Second scene

    Nisan stood amidst the rubble. As far as he could see there was nothing but shattered glass and crushed concrete. What once was beautiful had surrendered itself to utter destruction. Similar to the world that he himself has lived in. Humanity.
    A crushed and shattered creation void of hope. And yet they live behind grandiose facades in order to disguise their own frailties.

    Nisan clenched his fists and tightened his jaw at the thought. His eyes grew cold as he stared at his enemy twenty feet away. They were standing in what used to be a large courtyard. They seperated by a large water fountain thet held a fallen statue.

    “Give them to me.” The monster hissed. He was a mutate. Warped beyond recognition. A hideous result of the great catastrophe that thrust the Earth into this post-apocalyptic existence.

    The monster was referring to the four children that cowered behind Nisan. Nisan could hear their terrified whimpers. They had every right to be terrified of this abomination after he had made them orphans. Orphan. That was Nisan.

    “You. Do you know what it means to be an orphan?” Nisan asked him softly. Then he moved closer to the fountain of water.

    “No parents. No guide. Left alone.” He said with more intensity. HIs own insecurities begining to bleed through.

    The monster hissed. Either he was extremely suprised or highly amused. His expressions were hidden behind a veil of ugliness. He opened his mouth to respond but before he could Nisan continued.

    “LEFT ALONE IN A WORLD WHERE NOBODY, NOBODY CARES!”

    Then Nisan features broke into a smile and he started laughing maniaclly.

    “IT NO LONGER MATTERS IF YOU UNDERSTAND OR EVEN TO CARE TO UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE WHO CARES WHAT A DEAD MAN UNDERSTANDS?!” He screamed.

    Then he created a small sphere and tossed into the water. The waters began to rush and swirl. The monsters face widened as the waters rose and churned. There was no mistake this time. The monsters face showed fear.

    Nisan whispered to the waters. He said “Kill.”

    The waters rushed at his command. They seperated into vectors and quickly entangled the screaming creature. Before he could react the waters ripped into apart deducing him to pieces of flesh and blood.

    Nisan glanced at the children and turned to walk off. The oldest of the children ran up behind him and reached out to touch him.

    “No.” Nisan said. ” You cannot follow me and no I cannot stay with you, either. You are far better without me. Trust me.”

    Nisan threw his hood on, turned and walked away without looking back.

  17. Roon 12 May 2010 at 12:23 pm

    So here is what i have so far.

    The setting will be a post-apocalyptic earth in the future. The Earth has been changed by The Great Catastrophe. The Great Catastrophe is a result of multiple dimensions colliding and releasing massive amounts of spiritual energy known as anima. This anima has warped humanity. The majority of humanity have been transformed or changed into mutates. Mutates are people aith superhuman abilities.

    The Departed is now using this as his chance to amass an army of mutates on Earth. This will allow him to control the Earth and take away The Sovereigns most prized possession. Earth and it’s inhabitants.

    To counter The Sovereign impregnated human women who were unaffected by The Great Catastrophe. These children will grow to carry his powers and become the protectors of Earth. But these children have the ability to choose. So over the course of the story there will be Children of the Sovereign who are evil and are completely going against the plan and the destiny they were created for.

    The Departed is in the process of bringing the wold to it’s knees. But his plans are spoiled when these unexpected heroes begin to rise and fight against him.
    The Departed finds out about the Children of the Sovereign and his plan is to collect all of these children and conduct experiments. He wants to reverse engineer the children and allow himself to implant his children on Earth. He has been able to collect a number of them but his people havent been able to crack the code needed to allow him to mimic what the Sovereign has accomplished.

    Malek is a former member of the Fallen. The Fallen is the army that follows the Departed. She begins to have questions about the Departed and his reason for committing such atricities. She is then viewed as a traitor and exiled to Earth and stripped of most of her abilities and knowledge. She believes the Children of he Soveriegn are a myth until she meets Sang and Nisan, who are both Children of the Sovereign. she is in constant search for redemption. That is her primary motivation.

    Nisan was abandoned as as a child. He has never met his mother. He was passed around from orphanage to orphanage. He was born very frail and diseased so he was picked on and made fun of alot. This caused him to grow up to be very cynical towards people and life. However, his distrust in evertone has caused him to stand up be the enforcer that he feels the world needs.

    Sang was a member of a very nomadic war tribe. He was the only survivor when his tribe was completely wiped out by mutates. They destroyed because this was there initiation into the Departed’s organization. He was taken in by a secret group who despises the Departed and now he works as a agent for them recruiting new people to work with them and take down the Fallen.

  18. Roon 14 May 2010 at 5:41 am

    Hey let me know what you guys think

  19. Ghoston 14 May 2010 at 9:37 am

    Well, Ro, I have to say that I am a little confused the back story and the means by which people receive powers, but I think you have some good characters. And I my opinion good characters are the most important part of a story.

  20. Roon 29 May 2010 at 11:56 am

    Sn wats good fam? Can I get some love AKA reviews?? LOL

  21. B. Macon 29 May 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Sure, I’ll have something in half an hour or so. Check back then.

  22. B. Macon 29 May 2010 at 12:35 pm

    “Scene One”
    The first paragraph is really unusual, but I like it quite a lot. Normally, I think that rhetorical questions like these are not very interesting, but it is such a delightfully odd thing to worry about when your life flashes before your eyes. (Also, it is an effective way to show the character’s curiosity, I think).

    It looks like I’m having some trouble with apostrophes. I apologize if the formatting here looks weird.

    Some of the punctuation seems off. For example, “The daily occurrences that humans took for granted she was just now starting to understand appreciate for what they really are.” Here are some ways I might rephrase that to avoid the run-on. “She was just now starting to appreciate the daily occurrences that humans took for granted for what they really were.” “The daily occurrences that humans took for granted were just starting to open up [ALTERNATES: make sense… speak] to her.”

    I think your storytelling is strong, though rough around the edges. For example, I think a lot of readers will not know what “The Departed” is in the third paragraph, so it might disorient them a bit.

    “Her short time on this Earth had been a pleasant one.” We’re talking about a prison sentence, right? Maybe you could say something like “Her short sentence on this Earth had been a pleasant one.”

    “She could taste the blood and sweat as she licked her lips. Despite her current predicament the unusual taste intrigued her.” I think “Despite her current predicament” could be removed. She’s bleeding from several wounds, so I think we can infer that she’s in a tight spot.

    I’m sort of having trouble visualizing where she is now. She’s bleeding, and in prison, right? Is she trying to escape? Is she in some sort of execution chamber? In a hospital bed? I think some scenery would help. Is she with anybody? If not, why not? Where’d the wounds come from?

    “Who could this be?” she thought to herself. I think this could be shown rather than told. For example, maybe she refers to her savior as a stranger. That would indicate that she doesn’t know who he is.

    “He stood their with a smirk.” Their should be there, here. (Their is only used as a possessive, such as “I love Britons, but their cooking skills and orthodontics are at best questionable”).
    “He seemed to be hiding his glee but he wasn’t doing a good job of it.” This could be shortened to “He wasn’t doing a good job of hiding his glee.”
    From what we see here, he comes across as psychopathic. I think it might compromise his likability over the long run.

    SCENE TWO
    Switching to Nisan from the first two characters seems a bit disorienting. It’s not immediately clear how this scene ties in with the first one. It might help to do sequential chapters—I think it’d be easier to follow, that way.

    “And yet they live behind grandiose facades in order to disguise their own frailties.” I like this. It’s an effective way of showing his cynicism.

    There are some spelling mistakes. For example, seperated -> separated and thet -> that.

    “He was a mutate. Warped beyond recognition. A hideous result of the great catastrophe that thrust the Earth into this post-apocalyptic existence.” I like this use of sentence fragments. It jars the reader, which I think is fitting for conveying how unpleasant this guy must be to look at. Also, I think this last sentence here is a pretty smooth of way of establishing the setting.

    “HIs own insecurities begining to bleed through.” This could be shown, I think.

    I recommend against using all-caps.

    I think the water-control comes out smoothly here.

    All in all, I think these two scenes have a hell of a lot of promise. I think it would help to do chapters (i.e. sequential scenes), though. For one thing, a sequential story is easier to follow and you’ll probably have more reviewers that way.

  23. Roon 05 Jun 2010 at 8:15 pm

    Ok thanx B. Mac. Im currently reworking those scenes. I am going to start posting them in sequential order as you suggested.

    So I was thinking what if there are cities that have been set up by The Departed. Mutates ad humans alike are recruited and allowed to live inside these cities. The only way to achieve power is to pledge one’s allegiance. So some of the inhabitants are living completely unaware of the true purpose.

    These cities are flourishing and are extremely advanced and are like mini paradises scattered across the Earth, which further enhance the illusion.

    So Malek has been branded as a traitor and sentenced to Earth. She evaded the mutates for a while but they captured her and since that time she has been held in one of these cities. One of the major forms of entertainment is the gladiator sports. The story picks after she has been horribly wounded in the battle and is preparing to be killed.

    When i rework the scene im going to involve the audience cheers and also include the colliseum that the battle takes place in.

  24. Roon 05 Jun 2010 at 8:21 pm

    So there are multiple races in the universe but starting out right now i am only focusing on a few.

    Mutates are humans who have been warped by The Great Catastrophe. Thus causing physical mutations that allow them to use superhuman abilities.

    Children of the Sovereign are born with supernatural abilities because their Father is The sovereign so they inherently can tap into their anima. The Departed will have humans and mutates who have been modified to use their anima in a similar fashion.

    Humans use anima as well but they need weapons or artifacts to effectively manipulate their anima. Mutates can further enhance themselves with a weapon or artifact as well.

    Thats how i have broken it down. Let me know what you guys think. Thanx

  25. B. Macon 05 Jun 2010 at 8:35 pm

    One option might be to start with her right before she gets caught and sent to the coliseum, or right before the fight starts.



    There are a lot of imaginary words here. (The Great Catastrophe? Children of the Sovereign? Anima?* The Departed?) I think that you’ll have to explain these concepts to readers, preferably gradually. Except for The Great Catastrophe, I don’t think readers could even make a guess at the definitions on their own. (As a rule, I’d recommend being gradual with imaginary words because readers otherwise have trouble keeping track of them and because they can remind readers how little they know about what’s going on).

    *I assume we’re not talking about the concept from Jungian psychology?

  26. Roon 05 Jun 2010 at 8:40 pm

    I have never heard of that before but I will check it out. Anima is latin for spirit, I believe. And i was just using it to name the form energy used to power spiritual beings abilities. Do you think that would pose a problem?

    And you are correct as i write the story i definitely need to make sure i weave all these concepts in gradually and strategically. Im just putting them all down here to try and keep track of it somewhere.

  27. Roon 16 Jun 2010 at 7:55 am

    Ok so i have been writing the first scene. My plan is to begin with Sang viewpoint as he watches her battle. And then shift to Nisan who is also watching and preparing to intervene until he sees Sang move in. And then flash to Malek and her perception of the situation. So it will be in sequence but different perspectives.

  28. Roon 16 Jun 2010 at 7:56 am

    Ill post what I have later. Thanx

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