Apr 04 2010
Brett’s Review Forum
Please see the comments below. Thanks!
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- The Avengers Was SolidI’d give it 3 stars out of 4. The closest comparison that comes to mind is that it’s the movie that Fantastic Four wanted to be when it was growing up (before it got addicted to cocaine and dropped out of school). Some other thoughts: The writing was very fresh and clever. I liked the way […]
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- Please Avoid Having Characters Repeat Each Other
Hi everybody! Just so all of you know this is NOT a superhero story. I like to think of it as “Hawaii five-0 in space” The main character is physically disabled but you’ll understand more as you read the story.
Enjoy!
Hey guys, sorry it took so long, school was horrible. I had some time to work on it so hears what I came up with. It’s a WORK IN PROGRESS so be kind!!
CHAPTER ONE
“Brett, you’re going to be late”
“Could you scream any louder?”
He wobbled down the wooden stairs as he fiddled with his back pack, trying to get it over his shoulders. Just as he succeeded, his foot scuffed the edge of the next step and he tumbled down the stairs.
Brett canted his head upwards. His mom hovered over him, but not because she was worried. She looked at him expectantly.
“Oh, don’t worry mom, I’m fine,” Brett muttered sarcastically as he hoisted himself up.
“I do worry,” she said, “all the time.
Brett straightened out his grey leather jacket. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Brett, I’m your mother so I get to worry about whether you have cerebral palsy or not.
“Let me explain something to you, just in case raising for the last 15 years hasn’t made it clear,” Brett said in a condescending tone. “I have a disability, it’s called cerebral Palsy, CP for short, ok? All it means is that the brain does not send the correct messages to the rest of my body, that’s why I walk with a gimp.”
“Brett, you were barely able to get yourself up when you fell just now, let alone last week…”
Brett’s mom took him shopping a week ago. She held up two shirts: One was black with red stripe across the top, while the other was a red and white checkerboard shirt.
“What do you think?”
He shrugged, “Whatever…”
She scowled and alked away. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a plain blue shirt hanging by itself on a rack.
He was about to go tell his mom, when a man caught his eye. He had an overgrown beard and long blonde hair. Brett must have been staring too long because the man caught his gaze and darted for the door.
Without thinking, Brett chased after him.
“Wait!” he called.
As usual his legs got the best of him and he fell.
Brett, Brett, are you listening.
“What? Oh yeah, look I got right back up.”
“but-“
“Look, having a disability doesn’t mean I can’t do the things that everyone else can, it just means I have to do it differently”
With that, he wobbled to the door, opened it and wobbled out.
By the way I took a page from James patterson and wrote with short 2-4 page chapters
Hello Brett!
Here’s what I think:
- I’ll be frank, this was a bit dull. You established that the character is a semi-badass disabled fellow who refuses to be helped. However, the problem was that your execution is a bit straight-forward which isn’t necessarily bad, but I think implication is stronger than exposition. You could try having the character in a situation in which he has to run in front of people like a P.E. class and he embarasses himself then when they try to help him he shrugges them off and wobbles away. The more you can express without actually saying or explain, the better.
- I don’t really understand the shopping tangent. Could you explain what happened there?
- I’d recommend putting more details into action in general, body language, character through action, sensory details, internal thought, scenery, etc. I didn’t find this passage particularly immersive because there was nothing but the characters talking. Going along with my P.E. idea, I would have him grasping his knees while he waits, but when he walks to position he tries to walk properly to look cool.
- I think a chapter should do more to advance the story. In this chapter the story moves virtually nowhere. There’s no foreshadowing, no urgent goal, and only a little character development. I’d recommend giving Brett a goal to accomplish something urgent, but not too high stakes.
- I’m not sure if that just WordPress, but I’d recommend formatting your dialogue separate from the paragraphs with line breaks.
What do you think?
Thanks ragged boy, when they are shopping he sees the guy with bushy beard and he’s one of the ‘henchmen’ so to speak, but that comes later. I wanted to start with him and the main villan sending for brett but I thought it’d too confusing.
There are mechanical issues. For example, there should be a period after “late” in the first sentence and “back pack” should be one word. There are also some missing words, missing commas, etc.
I think you could show more and tell less. Please see this article for more details on what I mean by that. Here are some examples where I think you could imply/show what the character means rather than have him narrate what he thinks.
–“…but not because she was worried.”
–““I do worry,” she said, “all the time.”
–“Look, having a disability doesn’t mean I can’t do the things that everyone else can, it just means I have to do it differently”–> how does he get up differently? If I were lying on the ground, like most healthy people, I’d just sit up and then put enough weight on my feet to lift my body up. One or two seconds. I imagine it would be a more complicated process for him and I think that it’d be an effective way of showing some of the problems he has to live with. (Speaking as a relative of someone in intensive physical therapy, I have some idea).
Although he’s sort of a jerk, I can relate to that early teen surliness. The detail about the mother trying to pick out his shirts was effective. That was a strong way to show that she was too intrusive.
I feel that the CP is introduced kind of awkwardly. At the very least, I would recommend using a better transition so that it makes more sense for the mother to introduce the CP when she does. However, I think that it’d probably be more stylish (though more difficult) would be to start the piece with an unusual sentence about something like the protagonist, his struggles with CP, or his take on living with CP, or something like that. The reason that I say this is difficult is because this first sentence needs to actually make the character sound unique. For example, one sort-of-fresh aspect about this character that comes to mind is that he chafes at his mother for being too nice/involved. (Usually, when a character wants to escape from his parents, it’s because they’re abusive and/or neglectful).
““Let me explain something to you, just in case raising for the last 15 years hasn’t made it clear,” Brett said in a condescending tone. “I have a disability, it’s called cerebral Palsy, CP for short, ok? All it means is that the brain does not send the correct messages to the rest of my body, that’s why I walk with a gimp.” This strikes me as an info-dump. It doesn’t sound like how real people talk, I think. You could shorten this to something like “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a gimp–not a cripple.” I don’t think we need the neurological reason his body doesn’t work right, but if you wanted to provide that, I think it’d make more sense for him to explain his situation later on to an alien or teammate that is new to CP. (I assume his mother is already briefed on the situation, so this is an “as you know, Bob” moment—generally it’s best to avoid explaining to a character what he/she already knows).
I’d like to slightly disagree with RB about whether the story goes somewhere. Physically, it’s moving slowly. (Something like 350 words to get the character from the stairs to the door). But, dramatically speaking, I think it’s an okay introduction of the character and his family situation. In terms of foreshadowing, I think the man spying him through the window is okay, but we don’t know anything about him besides his beard and hair color. Those probably aren’t the most interesting visual details about him.
Oh, silly me. I read the sentence with the man, but I must not have comprehended. Sorry about that.
CHAPTER TWO
Brett ran after the bus.
“They’re supposed to wait for me.” He thought to himself.
After feebly attempting to catch up to the bus, someone on the vehicle and finally stopped. Brett stopped in front of the doors out of breath. They slid open and an African American women stepped out to help him.
As she reached for his backpack, Brett said, I can do it, and climbed the stairs. Brett strode through the walkway towards his seat. On each side of him, there were two rows of brown leather seats. Only one of them currently had a passanger.
He had shaggy black hair dressed in all black, and had very tan skin. Music emanated from ear phones he had on. He took a seat across from him and the van attendant tried the buckle his seat belt. “I got it,” Brett said doing so hastily. The Van attendant nodded and sat in front of him.
“Hey Dante.” Brett called to the boy
No answer.
Dante..
Still no answer.
Finally, the van attendant reach over and tapped him on the knee.
Suddenly, Dante ripped his ear phones off.
“What to do want?” He said to the van attendant.
She pointed at Brett.
Dante shot him a dirty look.
“What to do you want cripple?”
Brett raised his eyebrow.
“Seriously?”
“The difference between you and me is that me,” he said now tapping his now-visible prothetic leg, “is that I literally do not have a leg to stand on and yet you have two and you still fall more times than I do any given day. That’s what makes you crippled.
Brett sighed “Honestly Dante, I thought you and I gave the short bus a good reputation.
“What are you talking about?”
“That was the most retarded you’ve ever said, and you,” Brett said with a small laugh, was the most retarded thing you’ve ever said.”
You know it’s true
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
What makes you think you are any better than me
Brett looked away from him and scowled. “I am not going to dignify that with a response.”
“Why not, am I supposed to know the answer?”
No, Dante, said Brett, turning his whole body around. I don’t know why you feel the need to let me know how I’m supposedly so much worse off than you are, we’re the same, equals.”
“You have no idea.”
Before Dante, could say another word, the bus driver yelled, “we’re here.”
As Dante got up, he gave Brett a little smirk, then he began to make his way towards the stairs. As he was going down, he lost his footing.
There was a group of students outside the yellow and white school building and they began to laugh.
“Hey guys, look at Metallo.” Said one. That made their uproarious laughter even worse. Brett never laughed when Dante fell. For some strnge reason , He respected him, he seemed to get it on some level.
The Van attendant tried to help dante up but he wouldn’t let her. The laughing stopped when Brett got off the bus, it always did.
There are some mistakes, but I’m more concerned with the story as a whole right now. I keep hearing how you should just the story down and go fix things later. Also I’m considering going back to my original plan and put all the earth stuff into a prologue. Originally, it was a six page prologue and then we jump into the story, but I thought I would take a page from ultimate spiderman and use decompression I know it’s not the same thing, but I thought it was a good way to spend time with the hero before he goes off on his journey
- I think this chapter is okay. There’s nothing too exciting to look forward to while reading it, though. I’d recommend adding more competition between Dante and Brett to add more tension. If Brett has to prove that he is equal to Dante that would reflect well on his resolve.
- I like your idea of decompression, however if you plan on fully (or at least partially) introducing Brett before the action I’d recommend doing this more quickly. Although, we are learning his character here it slow-going. I’d recommend adding more inciting events and/or odd situations for Brett than shopping and riding the bus to school (I think the shopping scene is okay because it was an important plot event). Odd situation are particularly good for developing your character’s personality by forcing them to think on their toes in a, usually, stylish way.
- I know you’re not focusing on the mechanics at this point, but I’d recommend editing these sentences for clarity.
“After feebly attempting to catch up to the bus, someone on the vehicle and finally stopped.”
– I think you forgot some words, how about: After feebly attempting to catch up to the bus someone riding saw him and signaled the driver to stop.”
“‘That was the most retarded you’ve ever said, and you,’ Brett said with a small laugh, was the most retarded thing you’ve ever said.”
- I think you meant to delete the additional part or maybe you had the sentence written one way and changed it to another.
- I’d recommend adding tags at the end of the dialogue so that readers won’t get confused about whose speaking. Also, don’t forget your quotation marks.
- Again I’d place more emphasis on body language, character through action, sensory details, internal thought, scenery, etc. I still feel that your writing is not immersing us in the scene.Currently, the characters tend to go into a vacuum where nothing exists but the characters speaking. I’d also recommend adding more descriptive language to help making your writing more stylish.
For example “The school bus was alway precisely on time… except for today. Today, Scary Mary, the short bus driver was slamming on the gas. The shuttle whizzed past Brett as he was making his way to the bus stop. He twisted his face (or ‘checked his watch’ if he is more perceptive) and blinked at the odd occurence before the realization finally hit him and burst into a jagged sprint after.” is longer than “Brett ran after the bus” but I think it works more in term of style and is less jarring.
- I’d recommend changing ‘van attendent’ to ‘bus attendent’. It could be jarring for some readers if they think the vehicle switched from a bus to a van.
- I find it odd that the student jeer Dante for his disability directly. I understand it’s meant to be a what goes around, comes around schtick, but the execution reflects strongly on the students. Although, it’s common for students to laugh at people who fall it’s oddly mean to make fun of someone who lost a leg. Was this intentional? Why do they stop laughing when Brett gets off?
What do you think?
Thanks for not taking everything at face value, ragged boy. A lot of people I show it too don’t get it or think that it sucks. to answer your last question, Dante’s an ass, pardon my language, and Brett always tries to be good to people as you’ll find out in chapter three. In all the drafts I’ve done, my first chapters are terrible, but I hit my stride around page 10 or so
“Brett said, I can do it, and climbed the stairs.” Rather than having him tell himself he can do it, I think it would be more effective to give a physical detail to show us that getting himself up the stairs is an exertion.
I suspect this isn’t intentional, but I find Dante more likable than Brett. Brett’s sermonizing really puts me off. I’d recommend reading (or re-reading) works like Flowers for Algernon that have handicapped narrators and/or POVs to see how this can be done, I think, more artfully. For example, Charlie, the main character of FFA, doesn’t talk much about the plight of mentally challenged people generally or how mentally handicapped people should be treated, but he’s really easy to empathize with anyway. The moral of the story doesn’t need to be so obvious, you know? It’s a slippery slope to Birdemic.
Also, Dante is a well-developed character so far. It’s definitely unexpected that the person most antagonistic to Dante so far is himself physically impaired. I think that gives him quite a bit of moral depth/complexity. I’m not getting that impression from Brett.
Quick question on realism. Do kids with CP typically ride the bus with other kids? At my school district, at least, there’s a special van for kids with physical challenges.
Just to hop in– I’ve been lurking and reading almost ALL the review forums as of late XD– I think Brett and Dante were already on the special van, B.mac. S’why it’s mentioned as a van a couple times in the chapter, instead of just a bus, and why Brett says “Honestly Dante, I thought you and I gave the short bus a good reputation.” The ‘short bus’ is the special van. In my school district they have the same system, so yeah.
Just wanted to point that out to avoid confusion ^.^
Although if I got that wrong, Brett, feel free to whack me or something.
Happy Mothers Day to everyone btw!
Ah, okay. That makes sense.
Yeah, I put the short bus comment in there to sort of let everyone know that I know what the conceptions about being disabled are but here’s how it really is. some are mad at the world because they’re disabled, some are very doe eyed and upbeat about it. some are inbetween, and unfortunately for those who are mentally disabled they may not even realize something is off.
To answer question b mac, it depends. Intially, my friend rode the regular school bus but as his disability got worse he had to ride the van.
Honestly, I’ve written this chapter literally ten times and this is by far my worst effort. I want to rewrite once the bulk of the story is written. B.mac I think you’ll enjoy the changes I have made from what u read perviously.
@miss myna
No need for whacking u r correct lol b.mac the story about my friend was the answer to your question, in case that wasn’t clear
oh b.mac I forgot, Brett said I can do it to the attendant, not to himself. sorry for not being clear
Hey everyone, I’m posting the next two chapters, but wanted to discuss some of the terminology. I’m pretty sure people can infer from reading it, but just in case, it’s not clear
Earthmite- used as an insult for people who were born on earth
CHAPTER THREE
Some days Brett felt like moses. This was one of those days. The crowd parted as Brett walked towards the large green doors.
“Hey Bud.” Said one. Brett waved and continued on. As much as he hated appeasement, Brett figured he should always put on a different face at school then he did at home, so he didn’t end up like Dante.
Dante, who had since gotten to his feet scowled, and charged towards the door. He ripped it open and stormed through.
One student cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted after him, “Nice one, Metallo.”
The second Brett walked through the door, the crowd once again converged and was alight with conversation.
Suddenly, a man in a blue dress shirt and black dress pants walked by.
“Hello Mr. Regan.” Brett said in as polite a tone as he could muster.
Mr. Regan walked towards him and craned his neck so he could see out the door.
“Why aren’t you outside with the others?” Brett hated when any of his teachers would ask him that question. He would always find an excuse as to why he wasn’t with others.Despite the fact no one was allowed inside the school until the bell rang, but Brett would always figure a way out of it. Between the argument with his mom and Dante, he was in no mood for a bunch of “Hey bud”s. He had a lot of excuses up his sleeve, a teacher would want to see him, his knee hurts(since all the teachers knew he had CP, it was easier for him to get away with going inside so he can sit down and rest), this time though he went with his favorite.
“I need to pee.” He lied.
Mr. Regan sighed. “Alright, but I need to talk to you about something first.
“Aw come on!”
“Hey, everybody else has to hold it for ten more minutes, the least you can o is listen to me for two.”
“Fine.”
“I spoke to your father last night.”
Brett rolled his eyes. His father cared,but only when it was conviennient for him. Sure, they’d go to baseball games and the like, once in a while, but he would never take him to the doctor, or more specifically worried about his math.
He wanted to tell Mr. Regan this, but he thought better of it.
Just last week, his father wanted to take him to see his grandparents. As usual he fouled up and failed to let Brett’s mom know ahead of time and she had other plans for him.
“I wanted to him tonight!” shouted Brett’s dad.
“Well, I had plans to take him to math tutoring.
“I don’t-“
Suddenly, his cell phone began to ring.
“What-Hello, okay.”
He gave Brett’s mom the middle finger and walked out.
“I’ll do better, Can I pee now?” Brett said in an annoyed tone.
“Look Brett,” said Mr.Regan, putting his hand on his shoulder. “Your parents and I are doing all we can to make sure you a firm foundation in math, and I’m sure your parents are helping you in other areas.
Brett brushed his hand away. You obviously don’t know my parents then.”
As Brett walked away he thought to himself “Great, now I really have to pee
“I don’t need help from anybody.” Brett said aloud as he stood in front of the urinal. Suddenly, an arm wrapped around his chest and a hand with a white hankerchief covered his mouth. Before everything went dark, he heard a voice say, “Oh yes you do.”
CHAPTER FOUR
A day later, Dante was walking through a deserted street. On the surface, it looked like any other cornor of a bustling metropolis. People would from street to the other, waiting for the cars to pass, but then when it was time to stop. The hologram hovering overhead would rearrange itself to look like any other red and white octagonal sign one would see on a street cornor.
Dante crossed the street and made a left gone were the pristine buildings of the street before. In it’s place, there was a rundown wooden shack. A hologram read “El Gato negro” but the ro was missing.
As Dante walked in, people turned to look and then went back to their respective card games, drinking and fornicating.
Dante looked across the way and saw the man with bushy beard sittng on a bar stool. Dante walked to the bar and sat next to him, but they did not acknowledge each other let alone look.
“Well,” Dante said without averting his gaze from the assortment of liquors lining shelves behind the bar.
“There was a complication.”
“Elaborate.”
“We lost him.”
Dante squeezed his glass so hard, it shattered, blood began dripping down his hand.
“How?” Dante said hoarsely
“I guess that chloroform you gave us wasn’t advanced enough to knock him out completely, because he woke up aboard the ship. We drifted into the atmosphere of another planet while I was trying to get control of this situation. and he ended opening the hatch and sliding out. I tried to catch him, but I couldn’t reach him in time. You would think that cause the guy could barely walk straight it’d be easy.
That means nothing Did you go back for him?”
We were ten thousand feet in the air, there was no way he could have survived that.”
“That’s not what I asked you.”
He rolled his eyes and took another sip.
Dante grabbed the glass and slammed it on the table.
“They say we’re supposed to merely be influenced by earth cultures and ideaologies and yet you’re than any earthmite criminal I know.
Don’t forget Dante you are still one of them.
Dante was fuming. His eyes locked on the man’s, he leaned in closer. “You said ‘we’ before, who was with you?”
If I were you, I wouldn’t be so worried about the aftermath of this little escapade, I’d be worried about what the boss was gonna say.
Dante slammed his head on the bar counter and tucked the man’s right arm on the small of his back.
“Who was working with you?”
“I dunno… He….wouldn’t give me his name… He jacked a ship and took off when we got back from Canabia…
“THAT’S the planet where you lost him?!”
“Uh…huh…”
Dante took a deep breath and leaned down to whisper in his ear”Regarding your idea about telling the boss, unless you want to tell him that our plans may have just hit a brickwall, I wouldn’t.
Dante let him up. As the man with the bushy beard tried to catch his breath, Dante noticed a yellow pigment leaking through the bruise he had just given him and smiled.
Once an earthmite, always an earthmite.”Dante kicked him in the leg.
Yeowwww!!
“See you around.” said Dante as he walked out of the bar.
I feel like chapter three is kinda choppy. it was boring for me to write despite the fact that a very important theme takes root
Also, after eight pages I feel like I’ve done all I can do on earth. Do you think I’ve at least conveyed that there’s something to the protagonist despite his lack of likability, to at least see where he goes at this stage?
Obviously, this isn’t the final draft, but I believe Brett and Dante are strong enough characters that they’ll be able to carry a novel in the future.
Also does anybody have any thoughts on me possibly putting all the earth material into a prologue and start chapter one in space? I’ll try to post chapter five tomorrow
Here are some thoughts on chapter 3…
–Thinking in terms of drama, it would probably help to give Brett more depth… maybe a deeper personality or something—he comes across as a bit one-dimensional so far. I’d recommend maybe rereading what you did with Dante in the previous chapter: he made a brief appearance but still established himself as a somewhat compelling character.
–With Brett, I don’t get the impression there’s much under the surface. He (or the narrator) tells us what he’s feeling. Like “as much as he hated appeasement”—can’t you show us that this move makes him uncomfortable? (For example, with body language?) Instead of telling us that lying his way into the school early is a routine for him, can’t you imply that he’s experienced at this sort of thing? (For example, maybe he takes care of an objection from the teacher in an unusually smooth or savvy manner, or moves from one lie to the next with remarkable ease). In general, I think it’s stronger writing for the writer to give the evidence (such as the character being really smooth at something) and then let the reader make the conclusion (that he’s quite experienced at this), rather than just straight up telling the reader the conclusion. It keeps the reader more mentally involved.
–As before, there are some capitalization/grammar/punctuation issues. The spelling is pretty clean.
–I’m having trouble visualizing why Mr. Regan lets Dante through without any trouble but not Brett. It might help to create more of an impression of time passing, so that it doesn’t feel like Brett follows right behind Dante. (If the reader perceives a significant gap between Dante going through the door and Brett going through the door, it’ll be more intuitive that Regan misses Dante but sees Brett).
–“His father cared, but only when it was convenient for him.” Please show/imply more and tell/narrate less. Also, the fact that his father speaks to Regan implies the opposite of what Brett thinks it does, I think—if he’s just there to do fun things like go to baseball games with his son, why bother talking to the teacher?
–“As usual he fouled up and failed to let Brett’s mom know ahead of time and she had other plans for him.” Hmm. I’d recommend being a bit more consistent here. Earlier, he says the issue with his father is that his father only cares when it’s convenient. Here, the issue changes to one of reliability/responsibility. I’d recommend being more consistent. For example, if he’s a sort of lazy guy that only does fathering work when it’s convenient/pleasant for him, maybe the plan with his grandparents falls through because his dad doesn’t want to blow his schedule to drive Brett there.
–“I wanted to him tonight!” –> I think there’s a verb missing here.
–“He wanted to tell Regan this, but he thought better of it.” Maybe you could imply why? I’m sort of having some trouble understanding his reasoning. If he understands there’s a problem going on with his dad, why not mention it?
–I think Brett rolling his eyes when Regan mentions he spoke with Brett’s father is an effective way of showing/implying what Brett thinks of his father. Good use of body language.
–“I don’t need help from anybody.” This strikes me as pretty cliché. And telling vs. showing. At the very least, I think something angry like “get lost” or “I’m outta here” would show a bit more spark.
In the last sentence of chapter three brett is getting kidnapped, so I felt for him to say I don’t help from anybody only seconds before he gets kidnapped, which is by extension when he needs help the most was sort of ironic. He had NO idea what was happening so for him to say get lost or I’m outta here would be a continuity error.
I agree with everything else though, b.mac. thanks for taking the time to read it. What are your thoughts on Chapter four?
Oh, okay. I thought he said “I don’t need help from anybody” to Regan as he was leaving. (Either way, though, he’s still expositioning his feelings). I will do chapter 4 today.
Chapter 4
–The switch from Brett to Dante strikes me as a bit disorienting.
–The word “cornor” should be corner. I’d recommend double-checking the grammar and punctuation, too.
–I think you could give the metropolis more of a personality. For one thing, “it looked like any other corner of a bustling metropolis” feels off to me because bustling metropolises don’t always look alike—i.e. Gary, Detroit, and Gotham City are drastically more dirty and crime-ridden than New York, Montreal, and Metropolis. I think that including a few details and getting a bit more specific would make the city more memorable.
–For the first page or so, I’m not sure whether Dante is walking through a human city or an alien one. The hologram seems out of place in a human city. But other than that, there’s no indication that this is an alien city. (In fact, since Dante is the point-of-view here, I’d recommend pointing out anything he knows about where he is if he’s in an alien city).
–I don’t know what your target audience is, but I sort of get the impression you’re somewhere in YA. I’m not too familiar with that market, but I think the fornication might raise some eyebrows. (On the other hand, I suspect the YA market is more free-wheeling than it was a few decades ago).
–It appears that Dante is talking to the assortment of liquors behind the bar but I don’t think we’re ever introduced to the guy he’s talking to. I don’t think it’s true to his point-of-view not to describe who he’s talking to.
–This chapter feels coy. The characters are trying their best to hide from the readers what the plan is, but it doesn’t feel natural to me. If you go with Dante as a POV, I think that it would probably help to reveal more. If you’re not ready to do so, I would recommend against Dante as a POV. (Really, I think the main thing he adds as a POV is that he probably knows more about what is going on than Brett, so it’s sort of counterproductive if he’s coy). Some of the costs of going with Dante here rather than just staying with Brett include… 1) We lose Brett at the time he starts to do interesting things, like discovering he’s on an alien planet and jumping out of a spaceship and 2) When Brett finally does realize that Dante is in on this, I don’t think the surprise will be as dramatic since the readers will know that already.
–I’d recommend working more on ending this chapter with a cliffhanger. For more details, please see this.
CHAPTER FIVE
“He’s waking up,” Brett heard a faraway voice say.
Brett groaned, he heard a clicking sound. Suddenly, he felt a tingling sensation course through his body and he abruptly sat up.
“Easy now.” Said a man in a brownish gold suit with rumpled dirty blonde hair.
“What am I, a horse?”
“Is that some kind of slang you kids are using these days?” said the man as he walked to a metal table across the room. He put the silver pen-like object on the table and walked back to Brett.
“How are you feeling?” asked the man.
“Ok, I guess,” He looked over at the pen-like object on the table.
Seemingly knowing, what he was looking at the man said. “You needn’t concern yourself with that.
“What is that thing?”
“Do you feel up to answering some questions.
“Like what?” said Brett as he swung his legs around the edge of the metal slab he was laying on. “Ahhh!”
The man put a hand on his naked shoulder. “That may not be the best idea.”
“Ya think?”
“Can you tell me what happened to you?”
“One minute, I was taking a leak, the next, I’m…
The man raised his eyebrow. “What is it?”
Brett shook his head. “Nothing, probably some bad dream.”
“Try me.”
“Well, the next thing I remember, I was on…”
“Yeah,”
“a spaceship.”
Did you see the people piloting it?”
You’re talking like you’re not surprised said Brett, bewildered.
“Answer my question.
I saw the guy who came after me he was a guy with a bushy beard-“
The man’s eyes went wide. He began foraging though his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He unfolded it and handed it to Brett-it was a picture of a man with the bushy beard.
“I must still dreaming, Brett said without looking up from the picture.
“Do you know this man.”
As I was about to say before you interrupted me, I saw him looking at me when I went shopping with my mom last week- Speaking oof whom, I really need to get home,my mom’s narcotic as it is, and I never go out so-
Wait-Wait, are you saying he was on earth.
Brett chuckled. Yes, we are all on earth. He replied emphatically.
The man sighed, he rubbed his temples
No, I mean- Did you see him at the mall
Yes
Are you sure
Yes, I’m sure.
The man took a deep breath.
Look, can I home now?”
You can’t leave.
What are you talking about, I have to get home, my mom’ll-
Your mom will be safer if you stay here.
Are you threatening to-
No, of course not, but you were bought into space for a reason and-“
Brett began pinching himself,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to wake up.” Said Brett
The man pinched him
“ow! Said Brett, rubbing the spot which was now red. “What you do that for?”
“This isn’t a dream. My name is Alec Rodriguez and I’m a detective of the intergalactic police corps.
Brett got up and began walking around, trying to process this information.
“Look, I know this is hard to believe, I’m human too, and the first time I- As Brett wobbled forward, Alec put his hand on his stomach.
Slow down, you should have healed by now, let me go get the helix.
“Is that what that pen-thing is called?”
“Yeah,” said Alec going back to the metal it usually heals the injured back to perfect health, I’m not sure Why it’s not working for you.”
“Look, I’ve never needed help before and I don’t now, so I’d really appreciate it if you’d take your hand away from my stomach. Alec put his hands up as if he were about to be arrested.
“Have it your way.”
As he watched Brett continue on, a look of astonishment appeared on Alec’s face.
“You have cerebral palsy don’t you,”
“Yeah, How’d you know?”
“My little brother had CP, he used to walk like that too, and the attitude was a dead giveaway”
“Used to, do you mean they made it so that the CP didn’t affect him anymore, can they do that for me?”
Before Alec could answer, the big metal doors opened at the other end of the room. What appeared to be a man with pasty white skin. Combed over dark hair and a green jacket stood in the doorway.
“I have to talk to you,” he said.
Alec turned to him. “Anything you have to say, you can say in front of our guest.”
The man stepped forward cautiously. Alec turned back to Brett.
“You know, throughout our conversation, I never got your name,”
“Brett, Brett Aldmen”
Alec turned back to the man.
Garret, meet the guy whose going to help us bring Willis- “ He turned back to brett. “Bushy Beard’ Kramer and company, down.”
–“a man in a brownish gold suit with rumpled dirty blonde hair.” I think this could be more effective—could you show us something else about this character than the colors? While I think the unusual color of the suit helps establish the character as unusual/strange, I think that the hair could probably use some work. (Rumpled works, I think, but why does it matter that it’s dirty-blonde instead of red or brown? What are you trying to show?) In general, I think your visualizations could maybe get away from colors a bit more and focus on interesting visual details. In chapter 1, “[the mysterious guy at the window] had an overgrown beard and long blonde hair.” In chapter 3, Regan is introduced with “a man in a blue dress shirt and black dress pants walked by.”
–Also, this is sort of a dumbass question, but I’ll ask it out anyway: when you say he’s wearing a suit, you mean a business suit and not a golden powersuit, right? Normally, I’d assume it’s a business-suit, but here I’m having trouble being completely confident because 1) a metallic color is far more common for powersuits than business suits, 2) this is the first time I’ve seen the character, so I don’t know if a powersuit is typical for him and 3) this is a sci-fi story that looks to be going in a superhero-ish direction and later on we learn he’s a space cop.
–“Do you feel up to answering some questions?” Normally, I’d say that this is a nicety, especially on top of the redundant “How are you feeling?”, but here I feel it’s an effective way to develop the gentleness of the character.
“He’s waking up.” Who says that, to whom? I got the impression that the only two people here are the man in the suit and Brett. So who would the suited man be talking to? If the man in the suit is talking to himself when he says “he’s waking up,” I think something like “finally” or “you’re finally awake” might feel more natural.
–I think it might help to work more nonverbals into the dialogue. For example, the passage starting with “nothing, probably some bad dream” and ending with “I saw the guy who came after me…” is nine straight lines of dialogue. The body language is okay, if a bit simple (mostly facial expressions and common gestures rather than, say, prop-use), but I think you could probably do more with the scenery. I think it would help to give the room and probably the man a stronger emotional vibe. For example, are we supposed to find the room… scary? Inviting? Medical? Besides the slab Brett is lying on and the silver pen and the metal table, what is in the room? What’s the lighting like?
If Brett remembers he was on a spaceship, you might want to rephrase “Wait-Wait, are you saying he was on earth. Brett chuckled. Yes, we are all on earth. He replied emphatically.”
“Wait-Wait, are you saying he was on earth.” This could probably be shortened to “He was on Earth?” [Alternative: “He was on Earth? Are you sure?”] In addition to being shorter, I think it conveys a bit more forcefully that he’s surprised that the man in the picture would be on Earth.
“My little brother had CP, he used to walk like that too, and the attitude was a dead giveaway” “Used to, do you mean they made it so that the CP didn’t affect him anymore, can they do that for me?” I think Brett’s line here can be shortened to “Used to? He got better?”
Hmm. It feels a bit contrived that the detective just happens to have a brother with CP. That strikes me as a lucky break. One alternative (that would rely more on the detective’s skills than luck) would be to have diagnose the disease and then look it up while Brett is unconscious. (In the current version, he encourages Brett by suggesting that his brother got better. He could do something similar here by suggesting that the research was difficult because CP was fixed/cured ages ago, so it hasn’t been in the news recently).
I think this ending would make for a better cliffhanger if we saw something a bit interesting from the guy in the green jacket. Maybe foreshadowing. Is he holding something unusual? Is he acting unusual? Is he acting in a way that hints at urgency or danger?
lol on the business suit question, dude. Yes Alec does wear a business suit. As a matter of fact, that is the most ‘visually striking’ thing about him per se, because no one else does. The point of the character is that no one else will treat Brett the way he does because no one else is ‘earthling’ and Brett needs someone who he can relate to as well as someone who knows about this world and can teach him. Alec’s disabled brother is a way for them to initially connect.
Hey B.mac, I have this idea for a superhero story involving these characters which would take place in a fictional city on earth. Alec would be a sort of disgraced PI with Superspeed and Brett would have superstrength and work under him along with the Garret character. Dante’s motivations would be the same except he wouldn’t have a solo chapter until Brett finds out he’s bad. Dante would have the ability to shoot fire from his eyes and hands and would have increased strength and speed whenever he is in a fire from an outside source. (ie a buildings on fire and he was in it , lightening strikes and a tree catches on fire) Brett’s father would have a larger role as he would be one of the higher ups in the police department. I’m still working on the space cop story full force, I’d just like to know what you think. I plan on creating different characters in this story down the line.
Thanks for the help.
here’s the new version of chapter five:
CHAPTER FIVE
Brett groaned, he heard a clicking sound. Suddenly, he felt a tingling sensation course through his body and he abruptly sat up.
“Easy now.” Said a man in a brownish gold suit with rumpled dirty blonde hair.
“What am I, a horse?”
“Is that some kind of slang you kids are using these days?” said the man as he walked to a metal table across the room. He put the silver pen-like object on the table and walked back to Brett.
“How are you feeling?” asked the man.
“Ok, I guess,” He looked over at the pen-like object on the table.
Seemingly knowing, what he was looking at the man said. “You needn’t concern yourself with that.
“What is that thing?”
“Do you feel up to answering some questions.
“Like what?” said Brett as he swung his legs around the edge of the metal slab he was laying on. “Ahhh!”
The man put a hand on his naked shoulder. “That may not be the best idea.”
“Ya think?”
“Can you tell me what happened to you?”
“One minute, I was taking a leak, the next, I’m…
The man raised his eyebrow. “What is it?”
Brett shook his head. “Nothing, probably some bad dream.”
“Try me.”
“Well, the next thing I remember, I was on…”
“Yeah,”
“a spaceship.”
Did you see the people piloting it?”
You’re talking like you’re not surprised said Brett, bewildered.
“Answer my question.
I saw the guy who came after me he was a guy with a bushy beard-“
The man’s eyes went wide. He began foraging though his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He unfolded it and handed it to Brett-it was a picture of a man with the bushy beard.
“I must still dreaming, Brett said without looking up from the picture.
“Do you know this man.”
As I was about to say before you interrupted me, I saw him looking at me when I went shopping with my mom last week- Speaking of whom, I really need to get home, my mom’s neurotic as it is, and I never go out so-
“He was on earth, are you sure?”
Brett chuckled. Yes, we are all on earth. He replied emphatically.
The man sighed, he rubbed his temples
No, I mean- Did you see him at the mall
The man took a deep breath.
Look, can I home now?”
You can’t leave.
What are you talking about, I have to get home, my mom’ll-
Your mom will be safer if you stay here.
Are you threatening to-
No, of course not, but you were bought into space for a reason and-“
Brett began pinching himself,
“What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to wake up.” Said Brett
The man pinched him
“ow! Said Brett, rubbing the spot which was now red. “What you do that for?”
“This isn’t a dream. My name is Alec Rodriguez and I’m a detective of the intergalactic police corps.
Brett got up and began walking around, trying to process this information.
“Look, I know this is hard to believe, I’m human too, and the first time I- As Brett wobbled forward, Alec put his hand on his stomach.
Slow down, you should have healed by now, let me go get the helix.
“Is that what that pen-thing is called?”
“Yeah,” said Alec going back to the metal it usually heals the injured back to perfect health, I’m not sure Why it’s not working for you.”
“Look, I’ve never needed help before and I don’t now, so I’d really appreciate it if you’d take your hand away from my stomach. Alec put his hands up as if he were about to be arrested.
“Have it your way.”
As he watched Brett continue on, a look of astonishment appeared on Alec’s face.
“You have cerebral palsy don’t you,”
“Yeah, How’d you know?”
“My little brother had CP, he used to walk like that too, and the attitude was a dead giveaway”
“Used to, do you mean they made it so that the CP didn’t affect him anymore, can they do that for me?”
Before Alec could answer, the big metal doors opened at the other end of the room. What appeared to be a man with pasty white skin. Combed over dark hair and a green jacket stood in the doorway.
“I have to talk to you,” he said.
Alec turned to him. “Anything you have to say, you can say in front of our guest.”
The man stepped forward cautiously. Alec turned back to Brett.
“You know, throughout our conversation, I never got your name,”
“Brett, Brett Aldmen”
Alec turned back to the man.
Garret, meet the guy whose going to help us bring Willis- “ He turned back to brett. “Busky Beard Kramer and company, down.”
“He’s not going to like this.
“Let me worry about him.” He said to Garret.
He sighed “Alright, Dante Ricardo has been spotted on Ion Prime.
“OK, I want you to take Brett and-“
“What the hell are you two talking about?”
Alec and Garret looked at him. Alec simply sighed and put his hands on Brett’s shoulders.
“There’s no need for profanity, son. Now Garret is going to take with him to Ion Prime, you may be able to help us-
Brett grabbed his hands and threw them off his shoulders He took a step back. “This Dante ricardo, does he have shaggy brown hair and prothetic legs?
Alec blinked his eyes. Garret’s face contorted into a frown.
“Yes- You know him, don’t you?”
Brett said nothing, he simply turned around and wobbled out the door
–Generally, I like to avoid reviewing rewrites of chapters before the author has completed a draft of the manuscript. I will mainly limit my comments to new material.
–Why is Alec astonished to see that Brett has CP?
–The sentence introducing Willis and Busky Beard Kramer was hard for me to follow. Are Willis and BBK the same person? Part of the same organization?
–I like the new ending better. It makes Brett more of a player and wobbling out the door shows us something about his drive.
Hi everyone, haven’t posted anything in a while, but I’m working hard and I’ll be sharing soon. B.mac, please don’t delete my forum because I lost my work and the forum is now my only ‘copy’
Thanks!
Hope to hear from you soon.
“B.mac, please don’t delete my forum because I lost my work and the forum is now my only ‘copy’” Okay. I don’t delete forums unless the author asks me to. I’d recommend saving a copy as soon as possible, though.
Hey guys!! Just wanted to share a new version of chapter one. I retooled it a bit and really opened up the story. It needs a polish ut its not crap like the stuff you guys already read.
Enjoy!!!
CHAPTER ONE
For many years, mankind has asked itself the same question over and over again: What’s out there? Well, I have the answer: A whole hellava lot. I bet all you dumbasses are wondering how I came across this information. It all started when I was fifteen. I was running late as usual, so I hurried down the stairs hoping I wouldn’t miss the bus for the third time this month.
“Brett, get down here!” I heard my mother call.
“I’m comin, I’m comin-“ I replied. Suddenly, My shoe scoffed the wooden stairs and I tumbled down. As I landed, the smell of fresh paint filled my nostrils. I opened my eyes to see my mother standing over me, her short auburn hair and small hazel eyes stared down at me.
“This is what I’m talking about.”
I sighed and put my hand on the wooden banister to pull myself up. “Not now, mom.”
“You’re not listening to me.” She said.
“Yeah well, I got better things to do than listen to you drone on all day.” I turned and walked down the wooden hallway and into the kitchen to get my backpack My mom and I lived in a small red townhouse about fifteen minutes away from school. Granted, it wasn’t the biggest house in the world, but after the divorce, my mom was insistent that I stay in the same school, so as not to bombard me with too much change at once. I guess she thought she was doing me a kindness. Trust me when I tell you, she wasn’t. I picked up the backpack and hoisted over my shoulder. I groaned.
“Heavy?”
I turned to see my mom standing behind me.
“Yeah, I replied, “It’s filled with all the homework I decided not to do last night.
She grunted as I walked past her back towards the stairs. I hung my backpack on the banister and opened the front door a few feet away. Then I plopped down on the steps expecting to just sit there waiting quietly for the bus. Unfortunately, my mom had other ideas.
“Are you ok?” She asked.
Peachy.” I replied.
“I’m serious, stand up.”
I begrudgingly complied and held my arms out so that my body formed a T. She put her hands on her hips and puffed out her cheeks. I didn’t move.
“Do I have to spell it out for you?”
I took a deep breath and put my arms up.
“Take your coat off.” She said, enunciating each word.
I took my coat off and she began to look me over. First, she rolled up my sleeve and check for bruises there were none. Then she made me turn around so she could check my neck. There were none. After that, she pulled down my pants, and not just the pants ethier, to make sure my legs were ok. They were. I still don’t know why she pulled them all the way down. It’s not like my balls were broken or anything like that if I didn’t know better, I’d say she was checkin, the angle of the dangle.
“OK, can we stop now please?”
“In a minute,” She said tilting my hand back.
What are you doing
“Checking your head for any major concussions.”
“Alright,” I said, pushing her hand away. “Isn’t that something you check first and not last?”
“Hold on lemme just-“
“No,” I said, pulling up my pants, “I have to get to school I grabbed my backpack off the banister and pushed the screen door open.
Wait. She said.
I let the door slam shut.
“What now?” I whined
She walked over to the hall closet and pulled out a silver question mark shaped cane. It had a black rubber tip and the arch was coded with black leather.
“Here, take this with you.” She tried to give me the cane, but I shook my head. I’m a gimp, not a cripple.
My mom scoffed at me, she hated the C word.
“Just take it,” She pleaded. I don’t want another incident like today, or last week for that matter.
A week prior, my mom had taken me shopping at the strip mall downtown. We had a wedding to go to, so of course I couldn’t dress myself because y’know I was only fifteen. My mom dragged me to a shirt rack and looked through them. After a while she held up two shirts. One was a red checkered shirt while the other was a red shirt with a black stripe going through it. I shrugged and she marched off to the checkout counter.
I let my eyes wander then. It was actually a pretty nice place. The light refracting from the ceiling gave the whole store a yellowish hue. I saw a bald man behind me looking at a flannel shirt with thin blue and yellow lines going through it. A group of women a few feet to my left were laughing amongst themselves when one of them held a shirt to their torso that was far too small for them.
It was then that I saw him. He was hiding behind one of the clothing racks, he wasn’t very well hidden. He was a tall man with a bushy beard and long blonde hair that fell all the way down to his behind. He wore a brown over coat.
Bushy beard must have realized I noticed him, because he began to run through the store, towards a second exit at the other end. Without thinking I ran after him.
“Hey hold on!” I yelled.
Bushy Beard didn’t stop and ran through the other door. Before I could catch up I fell and a crowd formed around. A man in a blue shirt and had curly dark hair stepped forward.
Are you ok buddy? He said.
I looked up at him helplessly,
Buddy…
“Brett, you’re about to miss your bus.” Said my mom
I turned around to see a small yellow school bus pulling away.
“Gotta go mom,” I said, as I step out the door.
‘Cane’ she said.
I was already lucky she wasn’t trying to keep me home because of that fall I just took, so I went back inside to get the Cane and headed out the door again.
“One more thing,” She said.
“Mom!”
She pulled my head close to her shoulder and kissed my temple.
“I love you, have a good day-“
I pushed the door open and started out again, I know, I know
“-and make sure you go to the nurse just to make sure you’re ok.”
I never made it to the nurse that day.
Except for some minor grammar/spelling/punctuation issues, this is really good.
For example, the opening paragraph struck me as remarkably effective. I have some minor suggestions for shortening it, but the concept is helluva stylish. “For many years, mankind has asked the same question again and again: What’s out there? I have the answer: A whole helluva lot. I bet all you dumbasses are wondering how I found that out. It all started when I was fifteen.”
I disagree with you that your original version was crap, but I had been a bit concerned about whether the main character would have the liveliness and personality to interest readers. I think that your new opening paragraph is a massive step in the right direction.
Truly minor word choice: “I wouldn’t miss the bus for the third time this month”—what would you think about the “third time this week?”
“You’re not listening to me.” She said. When you have a tag like “She said” or “Mom said”, the dialogue should end with a comma rather than a period. “You’re not listening to me,” she said.
This next opinion may seem counterintuitive, based on how much I liked “I bet all you dumbasses…”, but him aggressively sassing out his mom may compromise his likability. “Yeah well, I got better things to do than listen to you drone on all day” seems like an unprovoked escalation against a figure that has been more friendly than not so far. Alternately, if he’s going to escalate things with his mother, it might sound more likable and less aggressive if his line were more witty. Maybe something like “Maybe if you had said ‘don’t trip on your own awesomeness,’ I would have listened to you” or something about how the bus is about to come and he can’t stand around listening.
“I turned and walked down the wooden hallway and into the kitchen to get my backpack My mom and I..”
“I guess she thought she was doing me a kindness. Trust me when I tell you, she wasn’t.” I think you can show/imply his disagreement here. For example, you could shorten this to “She imagined she was doing me a kindness.”
I would recommend toning down the part where she strip-searches him for bruises. Up until that point, I think you had a good mix of the vaguely caring (her searching for bruises) with her being too intrusive/not particularly likable/someone we’d want him to get away from.
“She walked over to the hall closet and pulled out a silver question mark shaped cane. It had a black rubber tip and the arch was coded with black leather.” Hmm. This is a sort of strange way to describe the cane—the main impression I get is that it’s mysterious: it’s shaped like a question mark, the arch is “coded,” etc. If he’s refusing the cane because he thinks it makes him look weak, it might help to describe the cane in terms of weakness or humiliation. (Like a deformed leg or whatever).
“I never made it to the nurse that day.” I like that foreshadowing—it’s more effectively phrased than “I didn’t go to the nurse” because it suggests there may be nefarious forces at work.
Keep up the good work! I’m looking forward to the next chapter.
I was surfing the net a few weeks ago and came across a book series called garret pi now does that mean I should change the name of the garret in my story?
Garret is a pretty generic name. If your character’s name is Garret but he has a different surname than Pi, you’re fine.
The less distinct a name is, the less of a problem it is if your character shares it with another.
I hate to say it but I may have to go back to the drawing board. Jim butcher has plans for a book that sounds a lot like mine. I literally found out today. I’m on my second draft what should I do is this similar. A good analogy for it would be mine is to his as aquaman is to namor.
Sorry guys False alarm. While it is similar there’s only detail that isn’t even that big of a deal. Might change it.
his 200 years in the future
mine’s now
his is men in black type stuff
mine is hawaii five o.
Yeah… VERY bad day today lol
Even if the premises were very, very similar, I don’t think that would necessarily be a problem. You could successfully make your book feel distinct in many ways (for example, by developing the characters in different directions, by going with a different genre, a different mood, a different writing style, a different target audience, etc). My rule of thumb is that if someone can enjoy one even though he’s read the other, both works can succeed.
For example, Spiderman and Kick-Ass both feature a teenage dork becoming a superhero, but they are highly distinct. Kick-Ass is a dark comedy, KA’s protagonist is an unromanticized loser (rather than a shy-but-lovable nerd), KA has less romance, KA’s material is significantly more mature and cynical, etc. Also, the cast is significantly different. KA’s most important side characters are a dysfunctional but loving father-and-daughter superhero team, whereas Spidey’s most important sides are a highly relatable but sometimes bland love interest and grandmother.
Likewise, some of Terry Pratchett’s works (such as the Unseen Academicals) feature a magical school, but I don’t think anyone would take them for a ripoff of J.K. Rowling/Harry Potter. He focuses on (excellent) comedy and he pushes zaniness so much it feels surreal.
Some other examples of works that are really distinct from each other even though they share some major plot elements or a similar premise: His Majesty’s Dragon vs. Anne McAffrey. The Wire vs. Law and Order. True Lies vs. James Bond vs. The Bourne Identity. Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy vs. Titan AE. Dr. Strangelove vs. Fail-Safe vs. On The Beach. Pokemon vs. Legendz. The Odd Squad vs. The X-Files vs. Hellboy’s BPRD. The Incredibles vs. Fantastic Four. Canada vs. the United States. White Fang vs. Old Yeller. Signs vs. Independence Day. Team America vs. GI Joe or Team America vs. anything by Jerry Bruckheimer. Anne Rice vs. (shudder) Stephanie Meier. Ender’s Game vs. Harry Potter vs. Sky High (three young guys enroll in extraordinary schools, but the similarities pretty much end there).
I’ve never watched Hawaii Five-O and am not familiar with Butcher’s new project, so I don’t know what either are like, but I’m guessing anything like a cop show is probably not going to feel like anything MIB-esque.
…
I’m not terribly familiar with Namor or Aquaman, but from my limited understanding, I don’t feel they’re as distinct as the above examples.
–They’re both arrogant Atlantean royals with aquatic-themed powers.
–Personality-wise, I feel they’re very similar (arrogant/domineering), although Namor works harder to be an ass.
–I would characterize both as antiheros, although Aquaman’s edges are softer. (I want Susan Storm to knock out Namor’s teeth so bad).
–Their interests in the surface world both focus heavily on environmental damage.
–The characters are very demographically similar (age, gender, race, nationality, job, etc). Namor is a half-Atlantean, half-human whereas Aquaman is a full-Atlantean, which could theoretically make a difference, but I haven’t seen any stories that used that to take either character in a much different direction.
–Aquaman’s stories (particularly those by Rick Veteich) are sometimes more mystical than Namor’s, which is a good start.
–Romance plays a somewhat bigger role in Namor’s appearances (he’s competing with Reed Richards for Susan). One way to make the characters more distinct would be to increase the centrality of Namor’s romance, so that their genres are a bit different.
Hey guys, I’m proud to say I completed a television pilot script based on the story of the novel. I know tv scripts aren’t the norm at superheronation, but if anyone’s interested, let me know.
Here’s the first act:
FADE IN:
FULL SHOT OF A CLOUDLESS PURPLE SKY. – DAY
We hover there for a few seconds as the voiceover starts
BRETT V.O.
For thousands of years, mankind has always asked the same question…
A body falls into frame, we follow it.
BRETT V.O.
“What’s out there?
The body continues to fall.
BRETT V.O.
Well, I have the answer…
Camera angles on the body. Close shot of Brett’s face.
BRETT V.O.
A whole hellava lot.
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT ONE
EXT. BRETT’S HOUSE. – MORNING
The house is painted red and the windows are closed.
ANGLE ON BRETT
He is rushing around trying to get ready for school. He runs out the door of his room.
MOM O.S.
Brett, lets go you’re going to be late!
BRETT V.O.
I’m comin, I’m-
As Brett shouts, he falls down the stairs and lands on his back.
Brett POV OF MOM, UPSIDE DOWN.
MOM
hoW many times have I told you to be careful.
Brett gets up by holding on to the wooden banister to the left.
BRETT
First you tell me to hurry up then you tell me to be careful which more often than not I can’t do because I’m in a hurry, why don’t you make up your mind?
She tilts his head back and moves her finger from one eye to the other.
BRETT
What are you doing?
MOM
Checking to see if you have a concussion
BRETT
Mom!!
MOM
Alright just promise you’ll go to the nurse as soon as you get to school.
BRETT
(rolls eyes)
Sure.
MOM
I’m serious.
BRETT
(relents)
I promise, as soon as I get off that damn bus, which is late again as usual.
MOM
First of all, watch your mouth. Second of all, what are you gonna do when your father and I aren’t there to pick you up.
BRETT
Dad’s never there, period. He’s always working.
MOM
That’s not true.
BRETT
Oh, I’m sorry.
(uses air quotes with his hands)
Working”
MOM
Look, the point is we just want you to be more careful. I don’t want you to have another incident, like last week at the mall.
BRETT V.O.
Yeah, about that, it’s kind of a funny story.
FLASHBACK- STRIPMALL-ONE WEEK EARLIER.
CLOSE UP OF BRETT. Camera pans to mom whose holding up two shirts. One is black and white checkered. The other is black with a blue line going the through it.
Camera pans to Brett, he shrugs. She scoffs and walks away. Brett suddenly feels like he’s being watched. He turns to see a man in a trench coat with long blonde hair. He sees Brett and runs. Almost on instinct he runs after him.
BRETT
Hey Stop!
The man keeps running. Brett falls and the man makes it out the other door. A crowd gathers around him.
MAN
Hey buddy, you ok?
BACK TO:
INT. BRETT’S HOUSE. – MORNING
His mom is in the middle of lecturing.
MOM
Brett are you, listening you have Cerebreal Palsy you have to-
BRETT
(interrupts)
I understand, but I can’t not do things just because it’s a little more difficult for me than everybody else.
She is about to speak again, when there’s a honk. A small yellow bus has pulled up in front of the house.
BRETT
Finally! That’s my ride I gotta go!
MOM
At least take your cane, first.
Camera follows mom as she goes to the closet. She opens it and pulls a question mark shaped Cane. She extends the cane to him. He is about to take when she pulls it away.
MOM
I thought you were good at English?
BRETT
What does that mean?
MOM
You said can’t not, before. That’s a double negative.
BRETT
(grabs the cane)
Mom, I don’t have time for an English lesson right now, I have to go.
Brett starts wobbling out the door, Cane in hand.
MOM
Remember to go to the nurse.
BRETT
Got it.
MOM
Did you put on clean underwear.
BRETT
(opening the screen door)
Don’t be such a cliche.
She clears her throat, Brett looks back to see her with her arms spread out. He rolls his eyes and wobbles back to hug her.
MOM
I love you very much.
BRETT
Uh huh, Can I go now?
The bus honks and Brett runs out the door.
MOM
Did you go to the bathroom?
BRETT
Goodbye, mom.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUS – MOMENTS LATER
The camera pans across the bus. We pan until we see Brett running to catch the bus.
BRETT
(out of breath)
They’re supposed to wait for me.
§The bus stops eventually and an African American girl named candy gets off. Brett walks over and she tries to help him.
BRETT
I got it.
Brett climbs the steps and puts the cane down first and follows through with his right foot. Camera pans to a heavyset woman with thick bifocal glasses
BRETT
Hi Ms Betty
MS BETTY
(cheerfully)
Hi Brett!
Brett POV THE SEATS.
Brett sits parallel to the only student on the bus he is dressed all in black and listening to his headphones.
Brett takes his seat and candy tries to help him buckle his seatbelt but he refuses. He buckles, she watches as he does it
CANDY
We’re ready.
The bus starts to move. Brett turns to the student.
BRETT
Hey Dante.
No answer.
BRETT
Dante
Still no answer.
Candy taps him on the shoulder. He rips the earphones.
DANTE
What?
Candy motions to Brett. Camera pans back to Dante.
DANTE
What do you want cripple?
BRETT
C’mon Dante, I thought you and I gave the short bus a good name.
DANTE
What is that supposed to mean?
BRETT
We’re both disabled. Sure, We’re not disabled in the same way, but-
DANTE
(laughs,)
Your only disability is in the mind.
BRETT
Why do you say that?
DANTE
How long did it take you to get up those steps.
BRETT
I dunno, three maybe four minutes.
DANTE
And you used your cane?
BRETT
Yeah
DANTE
So while I literally don’t have a leg to stand on,
(pulls up pantleg and shows prostetic leg)
You have two and a cane and yet it still takes you ‘three or four minutes to get up those stairs? Would you like to know how long it takes me?
BRETT
Why are you always like this with me Dante? All I’ve ever done is try to be nice to you and all you do is insult me.
DANTE
If it bothers you so much why not simply get up and do something about it?
BRETT
What, like fight you? Yeah, that would go over well to gimps fighting each other.
DANTE
First of all, I’m not a gimp, second of all a fight with you is not something I desire, at least not now.
BRETT
What does that mean?
BRETT POV DANTE SMILING
THE BUS screetches to a Halt
MS BETTY
We’re Here!
Dante flicks Candy’s hand away and stands up BEAT
DANTE
Good luck today.
We pan back to Brett looking confused. We pan back to Dante. He wobbles down two steps and falls students laugh
STUDENT#1
Hey guys look at metallo!
Everyone begins to laugh.
CAMERA POVS ON BRETT, WHO RUNS TO THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. CANDY PUTS HER FINGER UP.
STUDENT#2
Hey metallo, walk much?
Candy tries to help him but Dante puts his leg back on and runs into the building.
Brett walks down and the bus pulls away. Tracking shot as Brett leans up against the wall. One of the students who laugh at Dante comes up to him.
STUDENT#1
(exagerrated)
Hey buddy how are you?
BRETT
(speaking plainly)
Good.
STUDENT#1
Yeah? How was your weekend?
BRETT
Fine How bout you?
STUDENT#1
Good, well I have to go but I’ll see you in class ok?
BRETT
(mumbles)
Sounds good.
The student walks away. The camera pans back to Brett who is looking in the window to see if any teachers were watching. In the other door two students try to sneak in.
TEACHER#1
Hey you know rules! No ones allowed in until the bell rings!
Brett takles the opportunity.
TEACHER#1
(notices Brett)
Stop!
Camera follows Brett to the bathroom as he goes to the urinal. Zoom in on Brett’s face
BRETT V.O.
Word to the wise- When your teacher tells you to do something,
A pair of hands grabs Brett’s face. A white cloth is in the one that touches his mouth.
BRETT V.O.
You do it.
CUT TO:
INT. SPACESHIP – DAY
BRETT is lying in the back of the ship. A red hue covers his body He moans
PILOT
Oh shit, he’s awake
BUSHY BEARD
(sighs)
Just keep steering, I’ll take care of it
PILOT
He gonna kill us
BUSHY BEARD
(Clasps his shoulder)
Just. Keep. Steering.
We follow bushy beard.
BUSHY BEARD
Y’know, I told him that we shouldn’t have used something so primitive to capture you, but what do I know?
PILOT
Not a lot, considering we’re all going to die
BUSHY BEARD
Oh shut up.
Brett’s POV The camera shakes as he goes from one space to another trying to find a way out.
BUSHY BEARD
Maybe I should just kill you…
PILOT
(o.s)
Don’t fire that thing in here!
BUSHY BEARD
Steer!
Brett’s fingers touch an escape hatch. Camera pans back to Bushy beard panicked
BUSHY BEARD
No!!
He fires the gun and watches as Brett slides out.
BACK TO:
FULL SHOT OF A CLOUDLESS PURPLE SKY. – DAY
BRETT V.O.
Like I said, a whole hell of ~alot.
INT. PLANET CANABIA HQ – THREE DAYS LATER
Brett’s POV A blinding white light as he opens his eyes as the blurryness goes away we see a man, Alec, late thirties with dirty blonde hair and a scruffy beard.
ALEC
Good to see your awake. We were worried about you.
Brett tries to get up. He moans. Close up of Alec’s hand on Brett’s shoulder.
ALEC
Easy there, son.
BRETT
What am I a horse?
ALEC
Is that the slang you kids are using these days?
Tracking shot of Alec. Camera pans as Alec reaches for a pen like object on the table. He walks back to Brett.
BRETT
Great, if you don’t count the jack hammer in my head and my whole body throbb-
Alec sticks the pen in his chest. It takes Brett’s breath away.
ALEC
There, that should help.
BRETT
What’d you do that for?!
ALEC
I just told you.
Alec walks back to the table and puts the pen like object down.
ALEC
Do you remember how you got here?
BRETT
Last thing I remember I was-
ALEC
Yes?
BRETT
Nevermind it was probably just a dream.
Alec walks across the room to get a chair. He pulls it up need to Brett and sits down, his legs warped around the hind legs and chest leaning against the backrest.
ALEC
Try me.
BRETT
OK, I was in the bathroom, and the next thing I know I was aboard a spaceship.
ALEC
Do you know who was piloting it?
BRETT
There was a- Wait, why aren’t you looking at me like I’m crazy?
ALEC
WHO was piloting it?
BRETT
Some guy in a bushy beard was telling a guy in a helmet to steer, so I guess he was.
Alec reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. He holds it up to Brett.
ALEC
Was this the guy?
BRETT
I knew he looked familiar. He was the one giving the orders but I think I met him before.
ALEC
Where?
BRETT
At a mall, I’m not sure where it is from here, but-
ALEC
A mall on earth.
BRETT
(sarcastically)
Yes, because ya know, only malls exsist on earth can I go now?
ALEC
That’s not a good idea.
BRETT
Look, My mom is like super-narotic so if I’m not home by three-
ALEC
You’ve been out for three days.
BRETT
What?
ALEC
You fell ten thousand feet. Had we not gotten to you in time…
BRETT
If I fell ten thousand feet then how am I alive.
ALEC
Our technnology here is far more advanced than what you have on earth.
BRETT
This is crazy.
ALEC
My name is Alec Rodriguez and I am a detective of the intergalactic police corps.
BRETT
Thank you for saving me, Alec, but I have to go home.
He starts to leave.
ALEC
If you go home, you may put your mother in danger.
BRETT
I’m sorry, Is that a threat?
ALEC
No, but whoever kidnapped you might threaten them if you decide to go home.
BRETT
So then what do I do?
ALEC
Stay here and let me help you.
Brett begins pinching himself.
ALEC
What are you doing?
BRETT
I’m trying to wake up.
Alec pinches him.
BRETT
(rubs his skin)
Ow!
ALEC
This isn’t one of your scifi movies, this is real. Now I don’t know why you were kidnapped, but I need you to stay here and help me figure it out. Just because you have cerebal palsy that does not mean you’re incapable of handling things like this. I know this is new. I’m an earthling like you so I understand what you’re going through right now, but I need you to pull yourself together.
BRETT
How’d you-
ALEC
Before our computer crashed, he did a scan of your body so we everything about you.
BRETT
What do you mean he?
ALEC
OH YOU’LL FIND OUT ABOUT HIM LATER.
BRETT
Ever heard of privacy?
ALEC
In order to assess what was broken we needed to do a full scan everything else just came along with it.
BRETT
Stuff was broken?
ALEC
Yes.
A Beat.
BRETT
So if you’re from earth, then how’d you end up here?
Alec opens his mouth to answer when the camera pans over to the door. It opens and a boy in his mid-teens comes through. His name is Garret. He looks at Brett with distain.
ALEC
Ah, just in time! I take it Benny’s back online?
Garret looks at Brett.
ALEC
Anything you have to say, you can say in front of him.
GARRET
One of my contacts came here personally to deliver this.
He hands him the papers,
ALEC
Brave of him.
GARRET
This was taken about three hours ago.
As Alec hands him the the papers Brett notices Dante in the photo
BRETT
Dante…
F.G. SHOT OF Brett and Garret looking at Brett in shock.
ALEC
You know him?
BRETT
Yeah, we ride the bus together.
ALEC
(to garret)
Take Mr…
BRETT
Brett, Brett Aldmen.
ALEC
Take Brett with you to the bar and see what you can find out
GARRET
I don’t think that’s-
ALEC
That’s an order- and get him some new clothes.
Alec walks out of the room. Brett and garret stare at each other for a few seconds.
GARRET
Well, Let’s go.
There were plenty of places that could be better, but most of your problems are word omissions, comma omissions, odd capitalizing, AND THE FACT I NOW HAVE TO WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT DANTE!!! It may have mediocre lines here and there but there were times I burst out laughing. I’m posting now that I think Dante will turn out to be the bad guy that way when I’m wrong I can congratulate you on your originality and if he is then I point out it was a bit predictable. But never worry at worst it’s a minor problem if a problem at all and I doubt anyone will care. Mostly I’m just thinking of things to say to procrastinate against my forum and comic etc.
By the way thanks for reading pgs 1-6 of draft 16 of my script if you want #18 (entirety) email me or leave your email in my forum. Links on my name.
Things I didn’t like:
ALEC
Before our computer crashed, he did a scan of your body so we everything about you.
Word ommission. You’ll find it. You write well enough.
The house is painted red and the windows are closed.
You’re missing something (I AM THE FORMAT NAZI. Grammar Nazis are so mainstream.)
*insert* INT. BRETT’S LIVINGROOM? – MORNING
ANGLE ON BRETT
He is rushing around trying to get ready for school. He runs out the door of his room.
I was intrigued enough by your story to read the whole thing and have decided to go line by line fixing things.
Oh and all I’ve read was the most recent post as there was SO much.
I did a line by line edit with my fixes in *()*. You should try typing it in Word first and using its grammar and spell check (don’t be insulted, we should ALL be doing that) and remember to punctuate sentences correctly. But don’t stress too much, we’ll help you. But I was too distracted by the mistakes to really notice how the story could be better. This is largely because so far it is pretty good, but I’m sure B.Mac has suggestions. He ALWAYS has suggestions. XD
New scenes need a scene heading. Preferrably more descriptive than just the planet name. You should specify which room they are in as well.
Characters’ names, as well as important objects that will be seen should be introduced in all caps. There are rules on other times to all caps them in action lines but I’m largely self taught and would have to look it up.
But despite its problems (what I’d expect of an early draft) I feel like I must read the next part. And that is the most important part of writing, getting them to want to buy it and keep reading/watching. Btw is this for a movie or tv show?
I think it’s cool you have a “disabled” main character. As someone with a disability I can appreciate a character who struggles but it makes him stronger. Mine’s not physical though. But still, awesome.
FADE IN:
FULL SHOT OF A CLOUDLESS PURPLE SKY. – DAY
We hover there for a few seconds as the voiceover starts
BRETT V.O.
For thousands of years, mankind has always asked the same question…
A body falls into frame, we follow it.
BRETT V.O.
“What’s out there? *(either “What’s out there?” or What’s out there)*
The body continues to fall.
BRETT V.O.
Well, I have the answer…
Camera angles on the body. Close shot of Brett’s face. *(with a good director this could come out pretty cool)*
BRETT V.O.
A whole hellava lot. *(recommend !)*
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT ONE
EXT. BRETT’S HOUSE. – MORNING
The house is painted red and the windows are closed.
*(this seems improbable. My homeowner’s assoc. freaked out when we did a light, though saturated blue with dark blue trim. We were too blue. Given the aversion many people have with red, it can usually only be red if it’s bricks. But if you actually know of a red house in the region this takes place then go for it! I love red.)*
*(you left something out)*
*(INT. BRETT’S ROOM – MORNING)*
ANGLE ON BRETT
He is rushing around trying to get ready for school.
*(INT. BRETT’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS)*
He runs out the door of his room.
MOM O.S.
Brett, let*(’)*s go you’re going to be late!
BRETT V.o.
I’m comin*(’)*, I’m-
As Brett shouts, he falls down the stairs and lands on his back.
Brett POV OF MOM, UPSIDE DOWN.
MOM
HoW*(How)* many times have I told you to be careful*(?)*
Brett gets up by holding on to the wooden banister to the left.
BRETT
First you tell me to hurry up then you tell me to be careful which more often than not I can’t do because I’m in a hurry *(“. Why” Or “! Why”)* why don’t you make up your mind?
She tilts his head back and moves her finger from one eye to the other.
BRETT
What are you doing?
MOM
*((Deadpan) I feel would work here.)*
Checking to see if you have a concussion*(.)* *(cracked me up)*
BRETT
Mom!!
MOM
Alright just promise you’ll go to the nurse as soon as you get to school.
BRETT
(rolls eyes)
Sure.
MOM
I’m serious.
BRETT
(relents)
I promise, as soon as I get off that damn bus, which is late again as usual.
MOM
First of all, watch your mouth. Second of all, what are you gonna do when your father and I aren’t there to pick you up. *(pick him up from school or when he falls? That could be important)*
BRETT
Dad’s never there, period. He’s always working.
MOM
That’s not true.
BRETT
Oh, I’m sorry.
(uses air quotes with his hands)
*(“)*Working”
MOM
Look, the point is we just want you to be more careful. I don’t want you to have another incident, like last week at the mall.
BRETT V.O.
Yeah, about that, it’s kind of a funny story.
FLASHBACK- STRIPMALL-ONE WEEK EARLIER.
CLOSE UP OF BRETT. Camera pans to *(Mom)* mom whose holding up two shirts. One is black and white checkered. The other is black with a blue line going the through it.
Camera pans to Brett, he shrugs. She scoffs and walks away. Brett suddenly feels like he’s being watched. He turns to see a man in a trench coat with long blonde hair. He sees Brett and runs. Almost on instinct he runs after him.
BRETT
Hey Stop!
The man keeps running. Brett falls and the man makes it out the other door. A crowd gathers around him.
MAN
Hey buddy, you ok?
BACK TO:
INT. BRETT’S HOUSE. – MORNING
His mom is in the middle of lecturing.
MOM
Brett are you,*(No comma)* listening you have *(Cerebral Palsy, you spelt it wrong)* Cerebreal Palsy*(. You)* you have to-
BRETT
(interrupts)
I understand, but I can’t not do things just because it’s a little more difficult for me than everybody else.
She is about to speak again, when there’s a honk. A small yellow bus has pulled up in front of the house.
BRETT
Finally! That’s my ride I gotta go!
MOM
At least take your cane, *(no comma)* first.
Camera follows mom as she goes to the closet. She opens it and pulls a question mark shaped Cane. She extends the cane to him. He is about to take when she pulls it away.
MOM
I thought you were good at English?
BRETT
What does that mean?
MOM
You said can’t not, before. That’s a double negative.
BRETT
(grabs the cane)
Mom, I don’t have time for an English lesson right now, I have to go.
Brett starts wobbling out the door, Cane in hand.
MOM
Remember to go to the nurse.
BRETT
Got it.
MOM
Did you put on clean underwear.
BRETT
(opening the screen door)
Don’t be such a cliché. *(I feel an exclamation mark could go here or not)*
She clears her throat, Brett looks back to see her with her arms spread out. He rolls his eyes and wobbles back to hug her.
MOM
I love you very much.
BRETT
Uh huh, Can I go now?
The bus honks and Brett runs out the door.
MOM
Did you go to the bathroom?
BRETT
Goodbye, mom.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUS – MOMENTS LATER
The camera pans across the bus. We pan until we see Brett running to catch the bus.
BRETT
(out of breath)
They’re supposed to wait for me.
The bus stops eventually and an African American girl named candy *(Candy)* gets off. Brett walks over and she tries to help him.
BRETT
I got it.
*(INT. BUS – CONTINUOUS)*
Brett climbs the steps and puts the cane down first and follows through with his right foot. Camera pans to a heavyset woman with thick bifocal glasses
BRETT
Hi*(,)* Ms*(.)* Betty*(punctuation mark)*
MS. BETTY
(cheerfully)
Hi Brett!
Brett POV THE SEATS.
Brett sits parallel to the only student on the bus he is dressed all in black and listening to his headphones.
Brett takes his seat and candy tries to help him buckle his seatbelt but he refuses. He buckles, she watches as he does it
CANDY
We’re ready.
The bus starts to move. Brett turns to the student.
BRETT
Hey Dante.
No answer.
BRETT
Dante*(?)*
Still no answer.
Candy taps him on the shoulder. He rips the earphones.
DANTE
What?
Candy motions to Brett. Camera pans back to Dante.
DANTE
What do you want cripple?
BRETT
C’mon Dante, I thought you and I gave the short bus a good name.
DANTE
What is that supposed to mean?
BRETT
We’re both disabled. Sure, We’re not disabled in the same way, but-
DANTE
(laughs)
Your only disability is in the mind.
BRETT
Why do you say that?
DANTE
How long did it take you to get up those steps.*(?)*
BRETT
I dunno,*(. Three, maybe)* three maybe four minutes.
DANTE
And you used your cane?
BRETT
Yeah*(.)*
DANTE
So while I literally don’t have a leg to stand on,
(pulls up pantleg and shows prostetic *(prosthetic)* leg)
You have two and a cane and yet it still takes you ‘three or four minutes to get up those stairs? Would you like to know how long it takes me?
BRETT
Why are you always like this with me*(,)* Dante? All I’ve ever done is try to be nice to you and all you do is insult me.
DANTE
If it bothers you so much why not simply get up and do something about it?
BRETT
What, like fight you? Yeah, that would go over well to gimps fighting each other.
DANTE
First of all, I’m not a gimp, second of all a fight with you is not something I desire, at least not now.
BRETT
What does that mean?
BRETT POV DANTE SMILING
THE BUS screetches *(screeches)* to a *(halt)* Halt
MS BETTY
We’re *(here)* Here!
Dante flicks Candy’s hand away and stands up BEAT
DANTE
Good luck today.
We pan back to Brett looking confused. We pan back to Dante. He wobbles down two steps and falls*(. Students)* students laugh*(.)*
STUDENT#1
Hey guys look at metallo!
Everyone begins to laugh.
CAMERA POVS ON BRETT, WHO RUNS TO THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. CANDY PUTS HER FINGER UP.
STUDENT#2
Hey*(,)* metallo, walk much?
*(EXT. SCHOOL – CONTINUOUS)*
Candy tries to help him but Dante puts his leg back on and runs into the building.
Brett walks down and the bus pulls away. Tracking shot as Brett leans up against the wall. One of the students who laugh at Dante comes up to him.
STUDENT#1
(exagerrated) *(exaggerated)*
Hey buddy*(,)* how are you?
BRETT
(speaking plainly)
Good.
STUDENT#1
Yeah? How was your weekend?
BRETT
Fine*(.)* How bout you?
STUDENT#1
Good*(. Well, I)* well I have to go but I’ll see you in class*(,)* ok?
BRETT
(mumbles)
Sounds good.
The student walks away. The camera pans back to Brett who is looking in the window to see if any teachers were watching. In the other door two students try to sneak in.
TEACHER#1
Hey you know rules! No one*(‘)*s allowed in until the bell rings!
Brett takles *(tackles or takes)* the opportunity.
TEACHER#1
(notices Brett)
Stop!
*(INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY)*
Camera follows Brett to the bathroom as he goes to the urinal.
*(INT. SCHOOL BOYS BATHROOM)*
Zoom in on Brett’s face
BRETT V.O.
Word to the wise-*(wise: When)* When your teacher tells you to do something,*(…)*
A pair of hands grabs Brett’s face. A white cloth is in the one that touches his mouth.
BRETT V.O.
You do it.
CUT TO:
INT. SPACESHIP – DAY
BRETT is lying in the back of the ship. A red hue covers his body He moans
PILOT
Oh shit, he’s awake
BUSHY BEARD
(sighs)
Just keep steering,*(steering; I’ll or steering- I’ll)* I’ll take care of it*(.)*
PILOT
He gonna kill us *(ending punctuation needed. Also did you mean to say “he gonna” instead of He’s gonna?)*
BUSHY BEARD
(Clasps his shoulder)
Just. Keep. Steering.
We follow bushy beard. *(Bushy Beard)*
BUSHY BEARD
Y’know, I told him that we shouldn’t have used something so primitive to capture you, but what do I know?
PILOT
Not a lot, considering we’re all going to die*(punctuation)*
BUSHY BEARD
Oh shut up.
Brett’s POV The camera shakes as he goes from one space to another trying to find a way out.
BUSHY BEARD
Maybe I should just kill you…
PILOT *((O.S.))*
*(delete (o.s) delete)*
Don’t fire that thing in here!
BUSHY BEARD
Steer!
Brett’s fingers touch an escape hatch. Camera pans back to Bushy beard panicked*(.)*
BUSHY BEARD
No!!
He fires the gun and watches as Brett slides out.
BACK TO:
FULL SHOT OF A CLOUDLESS PURPLE SKY. – DAY
BRETT V.O.
Like I said,*(said: A whole)* a whole hell of alot. *(a lot)*
INT. PLANET CANABIA HQ – THREE DAYS LATER
Brett’s POV A blinding white light as he opens his eyes as the blurriness *(blurriness)* goes away we see a man, Alec, late thirties with dirty blonde hair and a scruffy beard.
ALEC
Good to see *(you’re)* awake. We were worried about you.
Brett tries to get up. He moans. Close up of Alec’s hand on Brett’s shoulder.
ALEC
Easy there, son.
BRETT
What am I a horse?
ALEC
Is that the slang you kids are using these days? *(that was great. Seriously)*
Tracking shot of Alec. Camera pans as Alec reaches for a pen like object on the table. He walks back to Brett.
BRETT
Great, if you don’t count the jack hammer in my head and my whole body throbb-
Alec sticks the pen in his chest. It takes Brett’s breath away. *(be more descriptive: is it painful or relieving?)*
ALEC
There, that should help.
BRETT
What’d you do that for?!
ALEC
I just told you.
Alec walks back to the table and puts the pen like object down.
ALEC
Do you remember how you got here?
BRETT
Last thing I remember I was-
ALEC
Yes?
BRETT
Nevermind *(Never mind, it)* it was probably just a dream.
Alec walks across the room to get a chair. He pulls it up need to Brett and sits down, his legs warped around the hind legs and chest leaning against the backrest.
ALEC
Try me.
BRETT
OK, I was in the bathroom, and the next thing I know I was aboard a spaceship.
ALEC
Do you know who was piloting it?
BRETT
There was a- Wait, why aren’t you looking at me like I’m crazy?
ALEC
WHO was piloting it?
BRETT
Some guy in a bushy beard was telling a guy in a helmet to steer, so I guess he was.
Alec reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. He holds it up to Brett.
ALEC
Was this the guy?
BRETT
I knew he looked familiar. He was the one giving the orders but I think I met him before.
ALEC
Where?
BRETT
At a mall, I’m not sure where it is from here, but-
ALEC
A mall on earth.
BRETT
(sarcastically)
Yes, because ya know, only malls exsist *(exist)* on earth*(. Can)* can I go now?
ALEC
That’s not a good idea.
BRETT
Look, *(my)* My mom is like super-narotic *(neurotic)* so if I’m not home by three-
ALEC
You’ve been out for three days.
BRETT
What?
ALEC
You fell ten thousand feet. Had we not gotten to you in time…
BRETT
If I fell ten thousand feet then how am I alive.*(?)*
ALEC
Our technnology *(technology)* here is far more advanced than what you have on earth *(as a planet’s name, Earth should always be capitalized.)*
BRETT
This is crazy.
ALEC
My name is Alec Rodriguez and I am a detective of the intergalactic police corps. *(Intergalactic Police Corps. And I’d have him say “Or IPC for short.”)*
BRETT
Thank you for saving me, Alec, but I have to go home.
He starts to leave.
ALEC
If you go home, you may put your mother in danger.
BRETT
I’m sorry, *(is)* Is that a threat?
ALEC
No, but whoever kidnapped you might threaten them if you decide to go home.
BRETT
So then what do I do?
ALEC
Stay here and let me help you.
Brett begins pinching himself.
ALEC
What are you doing?
BRETT
I’m trying to wake up.
Alec pinches him.
BRETT
(rubs his skin)
Ow!
ALEC
This isn’t one of your scifi movies, this is real. Now I don’t know why you were kidnapped, but I need you to stay here and help me figure it out. Just because you have cerebal *(cerebral)* palsy that does not mean you’re incapable of handling things like this. I know this is new. I’m an earthling like you so I understand what you’re going through right now, but I need you to pull yourself together.
BRETT
How’d you-
ALEC
Before our computer crashed, he did a scan of your body so we *(know or learned or found out)* everything about you.
BRETT
What do you mean *(“he”)* he?
ALEC
OH YOU’LL FIND OUT ABOUT HIM LATER. *(why all caps? Makes no sense)*
BRETT
Ever heard of privacy?
ALEC
In order to assess what was broken we needed to do a full scan everything else just came along with it.
BRETT
Stuff was broken?
ALEC
Yes.
A Beat.
BRETT
So if you’re from earth, then how’d you end up here?
Alec opens his mouth to answer when the camera pans over to the door. It opens and a boy in his mid-teens comes through. His name is Garret *(GARRET (Always capitalize characters’ names on the first appearance.))*. He looks at Brett with distain.
ALEC
Ah, just in time! I take it Benny’s back online?
Garret looks at Brett.
ALEC
Anything you have to say, you can say in front of him.
GARRET
One of my contacts came here personally to deliver this.
He hands him the papers,*(.)*
ALEC
Brave of him.
GARRET
This was taken about three hours ago.
As Alec hands him the the *(double word)* papers*(.)* Brett notices Dante in the photo*(.)*
BRETT
Dante…
F.G. SHOT OF Brett and Garret looking at Brett in shock.
ALEC
You know him?
BRETT
Yeah, we ride the bus together.
ALEC
(to garret *(Garret)*)
Take Mr…
BRETT
Brett, Brett Aldmen.
ALEC
Take Brett with you to the bar and see what you can find out*(.)*
GARRET
I don’t think that’s-
ALEC
That’s an order- and get him some new clothes.
Alec walks out of the room. Brett and *(Garret)* garret stare at each other for a few seconds.
GARRET
Well, *(let’s)* Let’s go.
Thank you so much! My mom said it sucked, (then again, she doesn’t watch much Scifi and reads it even less) I started the pilot on may 13th and finished on the 26th, so it’s definitely an early draft but I wanted to finally put these guys on paper in a ‘complete’ story. I’ve been working on the novel for years and it looks like a draft is finally going to be completed. I plan on sending it out to agents in August 2012 along with another novel that I have yet to write.
About Dante:
He is the villain, but he’s not the mustashe twirling guy that he seems like, You might disagree by the end of the pilot, but I wanted a villain that would challenge him both physically and mentally.
If you don’t mind my asking, what is your disability? Do you think people who are not disabled will like this? No matter how you slice it, ‘Aldmen’ is a risky proposition due in large part to Brett and Dante’s disabilities. It’s because of that that I never imagined a show on anything other than a cable network.
Here’s Act two, you don’t have to edit it, I’d just like to know what everyone thinks of it as a whole
EXT. PLANET CANABIA HQ – MOMENTS LATER
Brett sees the planet for the first time. With the exception of HQ It is desolate. A triangular spaceship is off in the distance. Garret walks over to it and pushes a button on the glass dome.
GARRET
Until Benny is fixed, we’ll have to do things manually.
BRETT
So does Benny always control everything?
Garret ignores him. Garret hops into the ship and Brett tries to climb in after him. He falls on his back.
BRETT
Ahhh!
Shot of Brett. Garret’s hand comes into frame.
The camera pans back to Garret.
GARRET
(annoyed)
Get in.
Garret takes his arm and with Garret’s help, He steps onto the haul and unto the dome.
BRETT
Thanks!
He is ignored again. Garret steers the ship and they take off.
A beat. Long shot of Brett and Garret. We zoom in.
BRETT
So… Is there any particular reason why your refusing to talk to me?
A beat no answer.
BRETT
How bout a game?
A beat.
BRETT
So you staring stoically at the stars, is that a yes or a no.
Another beat
BRETT
(clasps hands together and rubs)
Ok, I’ll take that as a yes.
Brett scans the sky in front of him.
BRETT
OK, SO THIS IS A GAME CALLED I SPY. THE RULES ARE-
GARRET
I know the rules I’m just not playing with you.
BRETT
I thought you were alien. Have you been…studying us.
GARRET
No but other people did a long time ago. I thought that blabbermouth alec would have told you that.
BRETT
What do you say that.
GARRET
Just the fact that you’re here is enough to get our entire team in trouble.
BRETT
Why?
GARRET
Because people like you aren’t supposed to be here.
BRETT
What is that supposed to mean?
A beat.
BRETT
Oh I see,it has to do with my disability doesn’t it? Well, if that’s the case then-
GARRET
It has nothing to do with that, it has to do with the fact that you’re an earthmite.
BRETT
An earthwhat?
GARRET
That’s what people like you are called around here.
BRETT
OK, besides the fact that that’s just plain weird, why are people like me called that.
GARRET
It’s because people like you only have one thing on their mind: Hate
BRETT
Well, we have a lot more than that-
GARRET
It’s because that we are as successful and thriving of a society. We learned from your many, many mistakes, many of which you repeat often by the way, and because of that, we became a more perfect society. When you had the model t, we had hybrid energy cars. When you guys finally caught up after what seems like an eternity, we got hover cars and not those poor imitations that you see in movies the real thing.
BRETT
Wow, so you mean like certain movies were actually influenced by the people here?
GARRET
Unfortunately.
BRETT
Why is that unfortunate?
GARRET
One night in the early seventies, A bunch of directionless teens decided it would be fun to go fly over earth. I Iguess someone saw it because a little over a decade later a movie with the same design of the car was released.
BRETT
Well, if it was over a decade later I’m sure it could have been any number of things that caused the movie to have a flying- hey we’re you talking about back to the future.
GARRET
What
BRETT
The movie was it Back to the future?
GARRET
I don’t know.
BRETT
I think it was. We’ll have to kick back and watch it some time.
GARRET
Let me explain something to you ok we are not friends. I can get trouble for even talking to you.
BRETT
Yeah, you can get in trouble I got it.
GARRET
I’m not done! Stop interrupting me.
BRETT
Only if you say please.
GARRET
If I’m not careful, I’ll end up just like those teens
BRETT
So they got in trouble for possibly inspiring back to the future?
GARRET
No they got in trouble for going near earth. They were sentenced to life in prison.
BRETT
Are you kidding?!
GARRET
It’s a capital offense.
BRETT
But why!
GARRET
People start asking questions then we get found ad then they’ll make deals with us to come to our universe study our people. We’d be like rats. Humanity is far too curious for its own good.
BRETT
I would think that is what makes humanity great, that thirst for new know Of course, you would think that, you’re one of them. Humanity has no direction in life and because of that they will never be anything more than a bunch of greedy arrogant sentient lifeforms
BRETT
Are you done
GARRET
I don’t know why I’m bothering its not like you care. You just wanna go about your days and I have anything you want handed to you.
BRETT
How are you a cop?
GARRET
What does that have to do with anything?
BRETT
Well I’m curious you seem to think you know a lot yet your only fifteen and a cop.
GARRET
In this universe you get a basic education, then go off and do odd jobs until you find out what interests you then you work on it.
BRETT
That simple?
GARRET
For most, yes.
LONG SHOT of the ship as we see: Buildings sleek and cool. Tunnels and airways guide hover cars across the city. Switch to Brett POV up ahead several buildings resembling a rundown part of new York city looking unfurturistic.
GARRET
We’re here.
BRETT
Where is here?
GARRET
Ion Prime.
CUT TO:
EXT. JUNKIES POOLHALL – MOMENTS LATER
The poolhall is a rundown place. Through the window, we see three men playing pool on a holographic Tracking shot of the ball as it fades in and out. A big burly man pounds on the table.
BURLY MAN
The damn table is on the fritz again.
Camera pans to a man behind the counter.
RED HAIR MAN
Just give it a minute.
O.S. We hear the door open. ~The red hair man turns to the door and smiles. The camera pans over to the new patron’s legs to reveal PROSTETIC LEGS.
Camera pans up to reveal Dante’s face.
RED HAIR MAN
How longs it been? A couple months
DANTE
Where is he.
RED HAIR MAN
Where’s who?
Dante struds over to the counter and calmly pulls a knife out of his jacket pocket and stabs it into the table.
DANTE
I won’t be asking you again.
RED HAIR MAN
Dante Dante it was just a joke. Why don’t you sit down and have a drink on the house?
Dante swiftly picks up the knife and holds it to his neck.
DANTE
One cut that is all it’s going to take for you to bleed out. Normally I’m a fan of a quick death but for you I’ll make a special exception.
RED HAIR MAN
I dunno where he is, ok. He’s not here right now that’s all I know.
Dante starts to cut him.
RED HAIR MAN
I swear, I swear.
THUG#1
Hey why donn’t you get out of here Ricardo? The man told you what you wanna know, so just leave..
DANTE
I’m sorry are you addressing me?
THUG#1
Yes… I am
DANTE
(sighs)
I’m sorry Gentleman, I really must apologize, you see I’ve suffered a profound loss as of late and well, as I am sure all of you can tell, I’m not dealing with it in the best possible way.
The doors opens again the camera pans up to reveal Willis. Dante walks towards him.
DANTE
(to the others)
Well, if it isn’t the man responsible for the loss we were just discussing.
WILLIS
It’s time to go.
DANTE
Right just one minute.
He walks towards the patrons
WILLIS
We have to go we’re late enough as it is
DANTE
I wouldn’t be too anxious to go if I were you. You and I still have some things to discuss.
DANTE
(to thug)
Because you let me vent, I’m going you live…
Camera pans to willis as the thug screems off screen. We pan back to Dante who is holding the now bloodied knife in his hand.
Close up of Dante
DANTE
(to Willis)
Ok we can go now.
We pan back to the other thugs they look horrified.
WILLIS
Was alll of that necessary?
DANTE
All of that would not have happened if you hadn’t lost him. Why didn’t you go after him?
WILLIS
We did, just not right away.
DANTE
Therein lies the problem. What if someone spoted you.
WILLIS
No one did planet canabia is a deserted planet. The only things are dino spiders and demi-wolves. One of them probably picked up the body.
DANTE
Yes, but a body was not found correct?
WILLIS
Yeah but-
DANTE
Then the body is still out there and you didn’t look hard.
WILLIS
Like I said, there probably isn’t a body to be found-
DANTE
…because he may be alive.
WILLIS
(laughs)
If someone falls ten thousand feet they aren’t likely to get back up again.
EXT. EL GATO NEGRO – DAY
Brett and Garret are standing in front of the club. Zoom in on Brett’s face, he chuckles to himself as he gazes at the holographic neon sign.
GARRET
Is something funny?
BRETT
The black cat.
GARRET
What?
BRETT
That’s what the sign means in English, the black cat
GARRET
(rolls eyes)
C’mon.
They go inside for the most part people are ethier smoking or gambling some look up at them and go back to whatever it is they are doing.
GARRET
Stay here.
He walks away.
Brett takes a few steps forward and bumps into someone. Kaila teens slender build, dros several dishes
KAILA
Sorry about that, I can be a little clumsy sometimes
BRETT
(helps her pick up the dishes)
Trust me, I wrote the book on clumsy.
A beat.
BRETT
Sorry I tend to say stupid things when I’m nervous
(awkward pause)
Not that you make nervous it’s just…
(another beat)
Y’know what, I’m just gonna stop talking
KAILA
It’s ok. If it’s any consolation I’m a little bit flustered too.
BRETT
How come?
KAILA
This is the third time this week that I dropped something so yeah…
BRETT
OH, sorry if I added to any difficulties-
KAILA
You didn’t don’t worry. So… I haven’t seen you around here before did you just arrive in the system?
BRETT
Yeah you can say that.
BOSS O.S.
KAILA!
KAILA
Sorry about that, it’s my boss I gotta go I’m kaila by the way.
BRETT
Brett, Brett Aldmen.
KAILA
Well, it’s nice to meet you, Brett, Brett Aldmen.
She starts walking away.
BRETT
Hey I hope we ran into each other again soon.
KAILA
Me too.
Brett is daydreaming and giving himself a nice back on the back in his head when:
A hand clasps his shoulder.
GARRET
Let’s go.
The camera follows the pair as they leave the club. When the ship is insight. Garret turns his head to Brett.
GARRET
You suck at flirting by the way.
BRETT
You were watching?
GARRET
All I can say is don’t get too comfortable,
(opens the dome)
Because if the stars align you’ll be out of here in the next few days.
BRETT
Gee thanks.
(gets in the ship with Garret’s help again)
Are you planning to serenade me with another one of your sterling lectures on why humanity sucks?
GARRET
I’ve spoken my piece all I can do is hope that this nightmare is over soon.
BRETT
So I’m a nightmare now, huh? Gee thanks for a second we were actually bonding over there.
GARRET
You and I will never be friends got it?
BRETT
Sure, whatever you say.
INT. ION PRIME RUNDOWN BUILDING – AFTERNOON
Zoom in on a door with chiped white paint. We hear two loud bangs
The door goes flying into the camera. Immediately after, we see Willis- He just broke down the door. He walks in and Dante follows.
DANTE
So where is he?
WILLIS
He’ll be here.
DANTE
I thought you said we were late?
WILLIS
(looking around)
We were.
DANTE
Then why isn’t he here?
Willis is about to answer when they hear footsteps. Aerial shot of doorway. There is a man in a dark suit and short hair standing there-TYSON. He has a scar on his left cheek He is carrying a brown paper with
TYSON
Gentlemen you’re late.
WILLIS
You weren’t even here when we walked in.
TYSON
That’s not the point punctuality is important, especially on a momentous ocasion such as this.
He puts the bag down and takes out three glasses
TYSON
So Gentlemen what do you have to celebrate
(to Dante)
The capture of a young earthmite perhaps?
DANTE
(looks at Willis)
You can blame him for that one. I was out looking for pilot he hired.
TYSON
To pay him off I hope
DANTE
To kill him.
TYSON
(clasps his shoulders)
Dante… You know better. Killing him won’t make a difference the earthmite is still missing and this excursion of yours has eaten away our buffer.
Dante and willis look at each other quizatively.
TYSON
Oh you mean I forgot to tell you. We were ahead schedule but the pursuit of the earthmite has eaten away our buffer. I would have liked to have something to show for it but hey thats the way business goes right?
WILLIS
So whats the next step.
Dante starts walking away.
TYSON
Just where do you think you are going?
DANTE
To go find him.
TYSON
(sighs)
Did you not hear any word I just said to you?
WILLIS
Just drop it, Ricardo we have other things to worry about.
DANTE
Sorry but those other things are going to have to wait.
TYSON
No they will not.
DANTE
Sorry but I don’t believe that was part of our deal.
TYSON
Neither was the earthmite.
DANTE
If I don’t find him-
TYSON
Let me make myself clear. Any attempts to find him will be on your own time Do We understand each other?
Dante has a smug look on his face as he walks out.
Brett
I would think that’s what makes humanity great, the need for new knowledge
Garret
Of course you would…
Well, there’s lots of room for improvement, but your worst issues are poor proofreading or the lack of proofreading. I’d flesh out the scene on the ship or try to connect it more to rest of the story. There are definitely major things that could be better but for a thirteen day draft, it’s not that bad. And it’s something that I’d like to see more of. Later I’ll try to help with the dialogue.
I will admit though, I’m not terribly sold on the story. I worry that it will fizzle out after the bar scene. But what do I know?
I don’t know, network executives and audiences could appreciate the originality and inherent complexities of disabled characters. There’ve been sci-fi/action shows and movies with disabled main characters who still kick but. Logan Cale from Dark Angel protected the female lead Max and this kid the bad guys who killed the kid’s family were after and he was in a wheel chair. Plus there’s all that stuff he did as a cyberjournalist/hacker fighting corruption in Seattle. Whatshisname from Avatar may have spent most of his time in a walking body, but achieved a lot even in a wheelchair. It’s not cerebral palsy but still. My point: let them tell you a disabled character is too risky a venture. Until then pursue it.
I’m narcoleptic and severely bipolar. You don’t ever want to find out how severe. XD
I don’t see why not. Even before I was diagnosed I appreciated disabled characters. Everything gets harder when you can’t run or use steps easily. Harder=More interesting. Besides, I’m not physically disabled, just mentally (unless falling asleep uncontrollably counts as a physical. It’s a brain thing).
Trust me, I knew as soon as I typed ‘The End’ that it was by no means a perfect pilot let alone a draft I would show to an agent. They’d laugh me out the door!
Anyway here’s Act three if you’re still interested:
EXT. PLANET CANABIA HQ – AFTERNOON
BRETT
So what’d you find out?
GARRET
None of your business.
BRETT
Alec said-
GARRET
That doesn’t matter, he should have sent you back where you came from the moment we found you.
BRETT
(sarcastically)
Look just tell me what you found out so you don’t look bad.
GARRET
(looks at him incredulously)
Well at least you got some conjounes
BRETT
I’ll take that as a compliment.
Brett and garret walk through the halls. The camera pans to a big metal door which garret opens. Bellows of smoke empty out.
BRETT
(coughs)
What is this place?
GARRET
(shouting)
Kilo, you here?
KILO O.S.
Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!
Garret shakes his head and disappears into the smoke. There is a whooshing sound and the smoke disappears. As it does we see red velvet couches and a wooden table off to the side. In the center there is what can only be described as a giant computer similar to the one they had thirty years ago. The only diference is this one has more high-tech buttons and gadgets on the keyboard.
There is an African American man in his teens. He has a fro and a comb sticking out of his head. He has a fetish for button-up shirts of various colors. This one is navy blue.
KILO
(to Garret)
Thanks Gar,
GARRET
(looks at the computer monitor)
So I guess Benny’s not fixed yet?
BRETT
(to garret)
Wait, the computer has a name?
KILO
(to brett)
Hey, don’t callin him that, I’ll have you know that if it wasn’t for Benny you’d probably be dead by now.
BRETT
Wait, what do mean?
ALEC
(o.s.)
Benny’s the one who scaned you.
EVERYONE turns to look at Alec.
ALEC
Keep working Kilo.
KILO
You got it boss.
ALEC
(to Brett and Garret)
So what’d you find out.
BRETT
(motions to Garret)
Ask him.
ALEC
(chuckles)
I’m glad you two are getting along.
GARRET
(to Alec, points at Brett)
Well, he was the one who was chattin up some girl.
BRETT
Well, you told me to stay put-
GARRET
Exactly, and you diddn’t listen.
BRETT
She bumped into me and dropped a few dishes I wasn’t just gonna walk away, It was the gentlemanly thing to do.
GARRET
Oh yeah, an earthmite, a gentlemen, sure,
(to Alec)
No ? Offense.
BRETT
Would you like me to tell Alec what you said on the way over.
GARRET
Sure, be my guest.
KILO O.S.
And, boom goes the dynamite.
EVERYONE looks at Kilo, now
KILO
(to Brett)
What, I heard it on earth somewhere?
GARRET
Fix em?
Benny flashes to life. The screen begins flashing
BENNY
Oy, what the bloomin hell happened?
BRETT
He’s an austrailian?
KILO
(shrugs)
I wanted to make him feel exotic.
BENNY
(to Brett)
Nice to see you up and about mate!
BRETT
Who me
GARRET
(sarcastically)
No the other earthmite
BRETT
Oh you mean Alec
ALEC
That’s enough
BENNY
Hey Alec, the sargeant trying to call should I patch em through?
Alec pushes brett to the wall and puts his finger to his lips.
Alec looks at Garret beat.
GARRET
(to Benny)
Put him through
BENNY
Alec?
ALEC
You heard him.
A man with quaf hair un his late forties wearing a formal uniform appears on the screen. He is frowning, typical.
CORVIN
I’ve been trying to contact you for the last six hours.
ALEC
Apologies sir, we were having technical problems.
CORVIN
I want an update.
ALEC
Garret has some information.
CORVIN
(to Garret)
Well, detective?
GARRET
Willis Kramer was spotted at El gato Negro a few hours ago.
CORVIN
Did you catch him?
GARRET
No…
CORVIN
Do you have anything to give me?
GARRET
According to my source, Tech enterprises was mentioned. They don’t know much else than that.
CORVIN
Well, looks like your actually worthy of being my son after all.
KILO
(types on the computer)
Tech enterprises makes military technology…
CORVIN
(to Alec)
Do you think they are trying to steal some of them
ALEC
It’s possible, I doubt this is something that lowkey.
CORVIN
Alright, keep me updated…
Corvin notices Garret is looking in Brett’s direction.
CORVIN
Is there something else you have to say Garret?
Garret looks at him and Brett coughs.
CORVIN
What was that?
KILO
That was me, I’m getting over a cold.
CORVIN
(to Garret)
Well?
EVERYONE looks at Brett. The camera does a 360 shot of all three of them and their reactions.
GARRET
We found out Dante Ricardo is involved.
CORVIN
(raises eyebrow)
Do we know to what extent?
ALEC
No, but he may be trying to make his mark.
CORVIN
Alright, I’m going to be sending over earpieces for all of you so this doesn’t happen again.
ALEC
Sounds good.
CORVIN
Let me know
ALEC
We’ll do
CORVIN
And Garret?
GARRET
Yeah
CORVIN
Try to give a little more next time.
Corvin disappears
GARRET
Nothing’s ever good enough!
ALEC
What the hell were you thinking?
GARRET
I was thinking that maybe I should tell’em about your new pet project.
BRETT
(to Garret)
What stopped you?
GARRET
I realized I would probably have to answer for it as well, so I decided to keep my mouth shout-
(looks at alec)
For now.
Alec starts walking away with a scowl on his face camera pans to Brett.
ALEC
(O.S.)
Brett lets go.
Brett duitifully follows as the camera povs to garret. He is looking at kilo who shakes his head disapprovingly
GARRET
Oh, shut up!
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANET CANABIA HQ – CONTINUOUS
Brett and Alec are standing outside. Alec is still fuming. His hands on his hips and his back turned to Brett.
BRETT
Do you agree with him?
Alec only sighs.
BRETT
Look maybe it’s best if I leave…
BEAT
BRETT
I know you only were trying to protect me and all but things are gettin way too much out of hand.
BRETT
Maybe you should tell the sargeant what’s going on, then maybe he could,
Brett is cut off by a punch to the jaw. He falls back.
BRETT
(rubs cheek)
Ah! What the hell was that for?
ALEC
(hand outstretched)
You let your guard down.
BRETT
(Alec helps him up)
What do mean.
ALEC
If you expect to stay here you’re going to have to learn how to fight. When you’re in the middle of a fight, always keep your guard up, never let your oponent have the advantage.
BRETT
I guess that makes sense but back up a second, what do you mean
(dodges another punch)
I can stay?
ALEC
(punches between every word)
You are going to stay here and help us catch Willis and Dante.
(he kicks him in the stomach.)
That is of course assuming you wanna be of some help.
BRETT
(grabs Alec’s again)
Of course I do.
ALEC
Good now block
BRETT
(blocks a kick)
So how is this going to wor-
(gets punched in the nose)
Ow!!
ALEC
I said to block.
BRETT
I have CP Alec how am I supposed to fight?
Alec knocks him down again.
ALEC
(grabs him by the shirt to pull him to his feet)
Do you wanna stay here or not?
BRETT
Yea.
ALEC
(still holding to his shirt)
Then get up.
Alec walks back.
BRETT
I still don’t see how this is going to work, I mean I can’t even kick.
ALEC
(takes off jacket)
Come here.
Brett walks over to him.
ALEC
(puts his hand on his bicep)
This is a muscle, with some practice you’ll be able to land punches and more importantly make them count.
BRETT
How?
ALEC
Well, lifting weights for starters.
BRETT
Don’tcha have a holodeck or something?
ALEC
What’d I say before this isn’t one of your scifi movies. We use weights.
BRETT
OK, what about my legs, I can’t run to safe my life.
ALEC
You’ve seen rocky
BRETT
Yeah what about it?
ALEC
What’d he do in all those training montages?
BRETT
I dunno, box?
ALEC
And?
Brett shrugs
ALEC
He ran through the streets of philadephia and climbed up those steps. We’re going to replace Philadelphia for the terains of canabia and instead of climbing steps you’ll be climbing rocks.
BRETT
(laughs)
You’re gonna have me climb rocks?
ALEC
Of course it’ll help you strengthen your arms and legs concurrently. Not only that, but by the time were done, I can guarantee you’ll know every nook and cranie of this planet.
BRETT
Why is that important?
ALEC
Think of it as home-field advantage if you ever have to catch someone here.
BRETT
(Sighs)
What about my mom alec, what about my family?
ALEC
(puts hands on his shoulders)
Listen son, until Dante is caught you are just.Going. To have to stay. Here. I know this isn’t an easy situation, but I’m not going to be there to help you all the time. You know Garret is in a bad way since your here and Benny can only do so much.
BRETT
(raises eyebrow)
Why what else can he-
ALEC
That’s not important right now, what is important is that you put your faith in me. I’ll never give up on you, but you cannot give up on yourself, got it.
BRETT
No more excuses, now square up.
CUT TO:
INT. HEROES BAR – DAY
Dante is sitting at the bar alone. O.S. A bartender can be heard arguing in Spanish.
DANTE
(speaks Spanish to bartender)
Lo siento, Lo siento Un cerveza mas, ~por favor.
BARTENDER
(puts the drink down)
PUNTO
DANTE
(breaks glass holds it to his neck)
Que dice?
BARTENDER
(panicked)
Lo siento LO siento Que los dios ~por favor!
DANTE
Los Dios no habes ahora
WILLIS
(o.s.)
I finally found you.
DANTE
(Puts glass down)
Un cerveza mas, pro favor.
WILLIS
Where have you been?
DANTE
Out.
WILLIS
Looking for him?
DANTE
What do you think?
WILLIS
Tyson isn’t happy that you walked out but he’s willing to forgive it if you bring him the pilot and the earthmite.
The bartender puts a drink in front of Dante
BARTENDER
No Dinero nessessito
DANTE
Gracias.
WILLIS
Are you listening to me?
DANTE
Yes.
(takes drink)
Earthmite first.
WILLIS
There’s too many loose ends. If I were you, I’d go for the pilot first. At least we have some idea of where he is.
DANTE
Yes, well, you are most definitely not me.
WILLIS
What are you driving at.
DANTE
You are looking at this as a problem, I am looking at this as an oportunity.
WILLIS
You’re right this is an oportunity to redeem yourself.
DANTE
No you this is a challenge, you see if I don’t find my poor defenseless earthmite friend, who knows what the Infamous IPC will do to him if they discover his secret…
WILLIS
You weren’t talking like this a few days ago.
DANTE
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be upset if they catch him because all that fun I was going to have goes out the window, but then again looking for him can fun too. It turns out you’re stupidity was a blessing in disguise.
DANTE
(laughing)
I’ll tell you what because talking to you has put me an even better mood, I’ll go looking for the earthmite and if I find our wayward pilot on the way, I’ll bring him along.
Dante walks out of the bar.
*I knew
Gah, I have to pay more attention.
CHAPTER ONE
For many years, mankind has asked itself the same question over and over again: What’s out there? Well, I have the answer: A whole hellava lot. I bet all you dumbasses are wondering how I came across this information. It all started when I was fifteen. I was running late as usual, so I hurried down the stairs hoping I wouldn’t miss the bus for the third time this month.
“Brett, get down here!” I heard my mother call.
“I’m comin, I’m comin-“ I replied. Suddenly, my shoe scoffed the wooden stairs and I tumbled down. As I landed, the smell of fresh paint filled my nostrils. I opened my eyes to see my mother standing over me, her short auburn hair and small hazel eyes stared down at me.
“This is what I’m talking about.”
I sighed and put my hand on the wooden banister to pull myself up. “Not now, mom.”
“You’re not listening to me.” She said.
“Yeah well, I got better things to do than listen to you drone on all day.” I turned and walked down the wooden hallway and into the kitchen to get my backpack. My mom and I lived in a small red townhouse about fifteen minutes away from school. Granted, it wasn’t the biggest house in the world, but after the divorce, my mom was insistent that I stay in the same school, so as not to bombard me with too much change at once. I guess she thought she was doing me a kindness. Trust me when I tell you, she wasn’t. I picked up the backpack and hoisted over my shoulder. I groaned.
“Heavy?”
I turned to see my mom standing behind me.
“Yeah,” I replied, “It’s filled with all the homework I decided not to do last night.”
She grunted as I walked past her back towards the stairs. I hung my backpack on the banister and opened the front door a few feet away. Then I plopped down on the steps expecting to just sit there waiting quietly for the bus. Unfortunately, my mom had other ideas.
“Are you ok?” She asked.
“Peachy.” I replied.
“I’m serious, stand up.”
I begrudging complied and held my arms out so that my body formed a T. She put her hands on her hips and puffed out her cheeks. I didn’t move.
“Do I have to spell it out for you?”
I took a deep breath and put my arms
“Take your coat off.” She said, enunciating each word.
I took my coat off and she began to look me over. First, she rolled up my sleeve and check for bruises there were none. Then she made me turn around so she could check my neck. There were none. After that, she pulled down my pants, and not just the pants ethier, to make sure my legs were ok. They were. I still don’t know why she pulled them all the way down. It’s not like my balls were broken or anything like that if I didn’t know better, I’d say she was checkin, the angle of the dangle.
“Ok, can we stop now please?”
“In a minute,” She said, tilting my hand back.
“What are you doing?”
“Checking your head for any major concussions.”
“Alright,” I said, pushing her hand away. “Isn’t that something you check first and not last?”
“Hold on lemme just-“
“No,” I said, pulling up my pants, “I have to get to school I grabbed my backpack off the banister and pushed the screen door open.
“Wait.” She said.
I let the door slam shut.
“What now?” I whined
She walked over to the hall closet and pulled out a silver question mark shaped cane. It had a black rubber tip and the arch was coded with black leather.
“Here, take this with you.” She tried to give me the cane, but I shook my head. I’m a gimp, not a cripple.
My mom scoffed at me, she hated the C word.
“Just take it,” She pleaded, “I don’t want another incident like today, or last week for that matter.” A week prior, my mom had taken me shopping at the strip mall downtown. We had a wedding to go to, so of course I couldn’t dress myself because y’know, I was only fifteen. My mom dragged me to a shirt rack and looked through them. After a while she held up two shirts. One was a red checkered shirt while the other was a red shirt with a black stripe going through it. I shrugged and she marched off to the check – out counter.
I let my eyes wander then. It was actually a pretty nice place. The light refracting from the ceiling gave the whole store a yellowish hue. I saw a bald man behind me looking at a flannel shirt with thin blue and yellow lines going through it. A group of women a few feet to my left were laughing amongst themselves when one of them held a shirt to their torso that was far too small for them.
It was then that I saw him. He was hiding behind one of the clothing racks, he wasn’t very well hidden. He was a tall man with a bushy beard and long blonde hair that fell all the way down to his behind. He wore a brown over coat.
Bushy beard must have realized I noticed him, because he began to run through the store, towards a second exit at the other end. Without thinking I ran after him.
“Hey hold on!” I yelled.
Bushy Beard didn’t stop and ran through the other door. Before I could catch up I fell and a crowd formed around. A man in a blue shirt and had curly dark hair stepped forward.
“Are you ok buddy?” He said.
I looked up at him helplessly,
“Buddy…”
“Brett, you’re about to miss your bus.” Said my mom
I turned around to see a small yellow school bus pulling away.
“Gotta go mom,” I said, as I step out the door.
“Cane” she said.
I was already lucky she wasn’t trying to keep me home because of that fall I just took, so I went back inside to get the Cane and headed out the door again.
“One more thing,” She said.
“Mom!”
She pulled my head close to her shoulder and kissed my temple.
“I love you, have a good day-“
I pushed the door open and started out again, “I know, I know.”
“-and make sure you go to the nurse just to make sure you’re ok.”
I never made it to the nurse that day.
CHAPTER TWO
It took me a few blocks, but I finally caught up to the bus, well almost.
They’re supposed to wait for me I thought to myself.
After a while the bus stopped and an African American with curly hair and a purple shirt came got out.
Out of breath, I walked slowly, pushing my three legs forward despite the fatigue. Eventually, she caught up to me and offered to carry my backpack. I pushed her hand away. “I can do it” I said.
As I approached the steps, I saw a heavyset woman with thick bifocals sitting in the driver’s seat.
“Hi Ms.Betty,” I said cordially.
“Hi Brett!” She replied with much more jubilance than one should have at Seven AM on a Monday morning
I planted the cane on the ground and bought my left leg up to the first step and slowly followed that with the right leg and the Cane together.
“Do you need-“ Candy began to say.
“I…got this.” I said under my breath.
Once I was on the bus I began my trek down the short aisle. There were brown leather seats sides of me. All but one were empty. In it, sat a boy with shaggy dark hair and big puppy dog, like eyes. He was dressed in all black and music emanated from his headphones.
I sat at the seat parallel from him and allowed Candy to buckle my seatbelt, despite the fact that I could do it myself. After this morning, I just didn’t want to fight over something as trivial as a seat belt. After Candy was seated, the bus began to move again.
“Hey Dante.” I said.
No answer.
“Dante” I said again
Still no answer.
Finally, Candy tapped him on the shoulder.
Dante ripped his headphones off and scowled at her.
“What?”
“Brett wants to talk to you.”
“What do you want, Cripple?”
“C’mon Dante I’m just as Crippled as you are.”
“You’re wrong about that.” replied Dante.
“How so?”
“You can barely get up the stairs and even then you have to use the cane. Now myself on the other hand-“
He pulled his pant leg up to reveal a long metal leg jutting out from where his femur is supposed to be. I literally do not have a leg stand on, and yet you have with simplest of tasks.”
“I thought you and I gave the short bus a good name.”
“Not you, just me. I have to tell you though it’s a shame really, who have so much potential to be just like I am, I’d hate to see you waste it.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll figure it out one day.”
“We’re here,” shouted Ms. Betty.
Candy helped Dante to his feet and walked him down the aisle. Before He started down the steps, he turned back to me.
“Good luck today.” He said
As he walked down the steps, He slipped and fell to the concrete below before Candy could get to him.
Our entire class was not permited into the building before the bell, so they all saw him fall and began to laugh.
“Hey guys, look at Metallo!” said one.
“Nice one, Metallo.” said another.
Without thinking, I ran to the foot of the steps. Candy told me to stay put and helped get his leg on and get inside. Once I was off the bus the laughing stopped, it always did.
CHAPTER THREE
When I was in high school, no one ever laughed at me, like they did Dante. Everyone was nice. Almost too nice.
Our school was a typical one. You had the Cliques (Jocks, Cheerleaders, you get the idea) Food fights, break ups, make ups, what have you. But when you came to people like Dante and I, people reacted one of two ways. Either they were downright Cruel, or they took pity on you and make you feel like a useless pile of Crap, even though more often than not they are just trying to help. Thing is, other than helping you out, they want nothing more to do with you. They won’t ask you to go out to restaurants, they won’t ask you to go movies, and hell would freeze over before they would ever invite you to parties.
Don’t get me wrong, I used to try a lot, but after the ten thousandth “I’ll let you know.” I decided to back off. I usually just lean up against the building, watching everyone go about their lives. Another student came up to me.
And here we go I thought to myself.
“Hey bud, how are you?” He said
“Can’t complain,” I replied.
Cue awkward silence.
Fortunately, one of his friends waved him over so he walked away. No good bye, but I didn’t really care. At least the torture was over. To avoid another episode like the one I just described I figured I’d try to sneak inside despite the fact that we weren’t typically allowed until after the bell rang. I walk in only to find a man in a crisp white shirt and black tie seating at a desk off to wall.
Busted.
“Back outside.” He commanded
“Oh, c’mon Mr. Regan,” I winced.
“You know the rules.”
But you let Dante-“
Did you not see what happened to him?
“Of course I did, but I-“
“The rules for Dante are the same for everyone else,” He began, if a student falls they get checked by the nurse.
What is it with teacher’s lecturing about the same shit-“
He glared at me.
I mean stuff, over and over again, you guys are like a bunch of dogs with a bone.
Mr. Regan raised his eyebrows and scoffed at that last one. Yeah I was friggin roll today.
Look I didn’t mean it like that all I’m saying is how many times can we learn about mean median and mode? It gets old after the ten thousandth time.
First of all some students, especially yourself need a review, second of all that reminds me, I spoke to your dad about your math scores.
I gawked at him. “You mean to say,” I said, “that he actually answered your calls?”
The thing about my dad is, he’s not the best role model in the world. He doesn’t take care of himself, wasn’t the greatest husband, and barely acknowledges that I exist.
A few weeks ago, I was over his house. My mom told me I was supposed to ask dad if he can pay for half of math tutoring because it’s my ‘responsibility’ crazy, right. Now here’s the part that always gets me.
He lives in a huge house. I’m not talkin’ playboy mansion-sized house but pretty big just the same. I walked across the wooden floors of his house and into the computer room. He sat at the computer table shoveling spaghetti and meatballs into his stomach, while watching sports.
Hey dad
What’s up bud?
I know everybody calls me bud.
I’ve been having alotta trouble in math lately…
Suddenly, my dad gets up and cheers.
“Yeahhhhh!” He yelled.
The bowl falls and gets all over the floor.
“Sonuva-“
“Dad?”
“What, bud,” he said, aggravated, “I’m busy here.”
Well I was just-
“Hold that thought, can’t you go get some paper towels first?”
Yeah, sure I replied walking out.
Most times my dad is more concerned with the game than me, aso I have to admit that I was impressed Mr. Buzzkill over there was about to get through to my dad.
Look Brett, said Regan The bottom line is your math skills need work, so your dad said he’d look into getting you a tutor.
You mean he said he’d tell my mom to do it.
Regan sighed. “Look, you need to get back outside.”
“Look, I wasn’t gonna use this, but I fell today and my mom said I should go to the nurse when I go to the school.”
“Nice try.”
“Do you wanna call and ask her?”
“Fine go,” He said waving me off.
With that, I darted off to the left and went to the bathroom.
As I stood at the urinal I felt a pair of hands grab my face.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up, freezing. I looked around me. The ground beneath me was cold and slippery a reddish hue refracted off of the lights of this weird. I felt myself slid to the left and saw two men sitting a few feet from blocking a various assortment of the colorful buttons. One was dressed in all black and a translucent blue helmet on the other was more familiar. It was the man with the bushy beard. He noticed I was awake. He stood up.
What’s up said a muffled voice emanating from the helmet.
“Be quiet, the kid’s awake.”
“Oh shit what to do we do?”
“You can be quiet for starters.”
“He’s gonna kill us.”
“Everything will be fine.” He walked toward me. I started looking around the place, looking for an exit.
“Be careful man, we don’t wanna-“
The entire place started shaking again.
“You idiot,” said Bushy beard, “Pay attention!”
“Sorry”
The man with the bushy beard scowled at him and turned his attention to me with a long toothy grin.
“Don’t worry kid, in a few minutes it won’t matter what you’ve seen here today because in all likelyhood you’ll be dead.”
With that, he lunged at me I slid to the other side of the place and hit my hand all the wall. Suddenly I felt a cool breeze collide with the back of my neck. I heard one of them say something about an escape hatch and then I just…fell. It was as if I was on a slide and the sandbox was twenty thousand feet below.
CHAPTER FOUR
I couldn’t breathe.
It felt as though I was drowning and no one was coming to get me. Suddenly, I saw a light. Great, I was going to die a virgin. The light I thought I saw turned into a dip bulb hanging from a run down cement ceiling. Suddenly, it dawned on me: I was laying down. I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Easy now,” said a voice.
I sat up and blink furiously my head was pounding.
“What am I, a horse?”
“Is that the slang you kids use nowadays?”
I turned to see a man in a golden-brown suit with tassled dirty blonde hair
Where am I?
What’s your name? asked the man as he walked over to a table on the other side of the room. There was a computer like machine next to me. The feminine computerized voice emanating from it said ‘Subject stable.’
“What the hell is this thing?” I said touching the screen with my index finger.
“I know your probably very confused, but I really need to answer my questions.”
“Look I appreciate you helping me out, but I’d really like to go home.”
The man sighed and pulled up a chair that was in front of me. In half-smiled and stared at me for what seemed like an hour.
“OK dude, you’re really creeping me out.”
“I’ll tell you what, you answer my questions and I’ll answer yours.”
I sighed. Looks like I won’t be going home anytime soon.
“Well?” said the man.
“I’m Brett, Brett Aldmen.”
“Do you know how you got here?”
“One minute I was taking a leak the next…” I stopped. It finally dawned on me what that place was and yet…
“Yes…”
“I was on a spaceship.”
I looked up at his emotionless face.
“Well,” I asked
“Well what?”
“Aren’t you gonna laugh in my face and tell me I’m crazy?”
“Of course not.”
“You’re acting like you’ve heard that one before.”
“Did you get a good look at the guy who took you?”
Suddenly, I smiled. It was so obvious I can’t believe I hadn’t figured it out yet.
“Did you remember something?”
“It doesn’t matter, it’s not like any of this is real anyway.”
If you want, I can come back-
I mean look at me, I said interrupting him, “I’m lying half naked on a metal slab, there’s a talking computer next to me-“
“You should see the other one.”
“Other one?”
The man shrugged. “Can you tell me what they looked like?”
“Well, one had a bushy beard and…”
I stopped.
“and?”
“I saw him before.”
The man shifted in his chair
“Where?”
“At the mall about a week ago,”
“You mean the mall on earth?”
I gawked at him. I really gotta lay off the shrooms
“Yes, we are all on earth can I go home now. If I’m not home by nine, my mom will-“
“It would be safer for your mom if you stayed here.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Look,” said the man rubbing his temples You’re not on earth, you’re on the planet Canabia. This is my team’s hq.”
I began pinching my arm.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to wake up.”
The man came over and pinched me himself.
“Ouch!” I cried rubbing my arm.
You’re not dreaming, this isn’t one of your scifi movies. My name is Alec Rodriguez and I am a detective of the Universal Police Corps.”
OK, so if this is another planet, why do you look human?”
“That’s because I am, but everyone else in the universe isn’t, or at least most aren’t that we know of.”
“I’m confused.”
“Most beings here look human but they’re not. They adopt most of earth’s customs but they’ll never associate with them.”
“Why?”
“People like you and me are violent.”
“Well, one of them threw me out of a ship, how exactly are they not violent.”
Alec shrugged.
“So… why are you telling me this?”
“I think you can help us.”
“Help you do what?”
“Solve the case of course.”
“Look, I highly doubt I’d be of any help to you.”
Alec walked over to the machine beside the metal slab and pushed a couple of buttons. They beeped as he did so. The voice from before proclaim that it was powering down. He walked back over to his chair. “You shouldn’t let your disability hold you back.”
“I don’t think you…”
I stopped. This day just keeps getting weirder by the second.
“How’d you…” I began
“I’m phychic”
“Seriously?” I asked.
“No,” he replied chuckling to himself.
A member of my team scanned you and was able to find out everything.
Before I was able to ask another question, the doors opened and a man in a green jacket and tan cargo pants walked through he had a small but noticeable scar on his left cheek. His reddish brown hair was parted to one side and he carried some papers in his hand.
“Garret Corvin meet Brett Aldmen” said Alec motioning to the man.
“Nice to meet you” I said, trying to sound as friendly as possible.
Garret ignored the jester and gave the papers to Alec. “Can we talk alone?” He asked.
“Anything you need to say to me you can say in front of mr. Aldmen” said Alec as he perused the papers. “So what exactly am I looking at.”
“I don’t feel confortable-“
Alec abruptly bought the papers to his side and closed his eyes. “Garret, either you speak your piece or you leave.”
Garret glared at me and turned back to Alec. “Willis Kramer was seen at a club on ion prime and he wasn’t alone.”
I caught a glimpse of the papers and gasped.
I took a few steps back. Garret and Alec looked at me. Alec looked back at the picture and then back at me.
“Do you know Dante.”
I said nothing, but the look on my face gave Alec the answer. “Take him with you, He told Garret, “he may be more help than I thought.”
“But he’s, well you know…”
Alec turned back to me.
“Brett, you need tell me…”
I said nothing and walked out of the room.