Feb 02 2010

EWill79′s Review Forum

Published by at 5:15 pm under CAUTION: ADULT LANGUAGE,Review Forums

I’m writing a comic book script with a slightly different slant on the super-hero genre. If I could put it into a pop culture reference I would say it’s Invincible meets Tim Riggins from the TV version of Friday Night Lights. I feel hesitant to describe characters, scenes etc, instead I’ll just post the first 8 pages or so. Let me know what’s working, what isn’t, etc. Thanks everyone. The title of the book is “Sweet Primitive.”

[B. Mac notes: The language here is heavily profane. You've been warned!]

12 responses so far

12 Responses to “EWill79′s Review Forum”

  1. EWill79on 18 Feb 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Hello all,

    I’m writing a comic book script with a slightly different slant on the super-hero genre. If I could put it into a pop culture reference I would say it’s Invincible meets Tim Riggins from the TV version of Friday Night Lights. I feel hesitant to describe characters, scenes etc, instead I’ll just post the first 8 pages or so. Let me know what’s working, what isn’t, etc. Thanks everyone. Oh yeah, the title of the book is “Sweet Primitive.”

    [I've kept version 1.0 below, but please see the revised version here--B. Mac]

    PAGE ONE (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is an exterior shot. It’s day, sunny, and ADAM is flying. He’s pushing himself and there is sweat on his face. He should appear as if he’s straining. This is tight on the character.

    Panel 2: Pull back slightly to show there are other characters flying with him. Not all the characters should be completely visible but MARCEL is there, make sure to show him enough so we can tell it’s him.

    Panel 3: Pull back again and this time there is a different point of view. We can now see that the group is flying over a suburban area. Also, this time we can see some news copters in the panel as well. This will set up the radio broadcasting captions on the next page.

    Panel 4: This is tight on the face of ADAM. He should have a slight grin on his face. He’s ahead of the audience here and he’s happy about what he sees.

    ADAM
    FUCK YEAH

    PAGES TWO & THREE (2 Page spread)

    Panel 1: This two-page spread is the biggest, badass fight you can give me. I want to see as many people fighting with as many distinctive, yet familiar powers as you’ve got. These two pages may be a ball buster but fucking pour it all on these two, go nuts. The only suggestion I have is to be mindful of the fold and to show the characters we know. I’m also seeing just 2 full pages with no panels but you can do whatever you want on these two pages. In addition, I suggest that we don’t yet at this point have Marcel or Adam in the fight. I see them as heading towards the fight, but not there yet. Be sure to add in those copters as well.

    CAP COPTER
    –AGO, WE RECEIVED WORD THAT A… GATHERING DOWNTOWN WAS IMMINENT. THIS-THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE!

    CAP STATION
    STEVE, IT APPEARS– WE CAN SEE THE MAJORITY OF THE ACTIVE SUPERS NEAR YOUR POSITION, CAN YOU CONFIRM THAT?

    CAP COPTER
    YEAH, I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS MANY FROM THE PROGRAM IN ONE PLACE BEFORE. IT REALLY IS BREATHTAKING. HOWEVER, THE QUESTION REMAINS, WHAT ARE THEY DOING? WHY ARE THEY ALL HERE?

    CAP COPTER
    FRANKLY, THE ONLY THING TO BRING OUT THIS MANY SUPERS, AND DISSENTERS… IT HAS TO BE THE ENTITY WE’RE CALLING ID.

    PAGE FOUR (6 Panels)

    Panel 1: Its 5AM, New York City, the streets are empty. Adam is walking towards the camera on the sidewalk. In the background, we can see the Astor Place Cube. The image should be focused on ADAM. He’s thinner, bald, and high as hell. I want him to still be recognizable as ADAM, however if he can’t be bald, then still have him look different enough so that we know time as passed and his physicality has changed. ADAM is not only high but also extremely paranoid at this moment.

    SERIES OF CAPTIONS
    I CAN FEEL ‘EM. THE EYES. FUCK! HIDE! NOWHERE. EVERYONE KNOWS. EVERYONE SEES! THEY’RE COMING!

    Panel 2: This is back with the super-hero and it’s in the midst of the crazy battle. What I want here is for ADAM and MARCEL to be near each other fighting. I see ADAM using his power and MARCEL punching some random villains here. They should look intense, but enjoying themselves.

    CAP STATION
    WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS… ID

    CAP COPTER
    NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN IT… IT’S BECOME THE BIGFOOT OF THE SUPER WORLD. BUT IF THIS THING IS REAL, AND HERE, OR COMING HERE… WE SHOULD LEAVE NOW.

    MARCEL
    –UNDER A MINUTE. GOT THAT?

    ADAM
    LET ME TAKE POINT.

    MARCEL
    WHEN WE GET THERE, YOU’RE FLANKING. IT’LL REMEMBER ME.

    ADAM
    FUCK THAT MARCEL. I WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER!

    Panel 3: This is a different POV, with different villains, yet the result is the same. They are continuing to kick ass here. This should appear somewhat easy and the guys are not being hit or scratched as all at this point.

    CAP COPTER
    THE RUMORS ABOUT THIS THING… IT’S POWER… IT CAN BE OR DO ANYTHING… THAT’S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW TO DESCRIBE IT.

    MARCEL
    YOU CAN’T TAKE ‘EM, D.

    ADAM (to himself)
    YOU DID.

    MARCEL
    I GOT LUCKY…. RIGHT NOW WE CAN’T AFFORD LUCKY.

    Panel 4: This panel is a tight insert of MARCEL. He should be smiling, making it clear that he’s joking around with ADAM in this panel.

    MARCEL
    BESIDES, COMPARED TO ME …

    Panel 5: Here the guys are continuing to fight but the point of these panels is the foreshadowing of the fight with ID. I see MARCEL and ADAM fending off more villains but focus much more on the two heroes.

    MARCEL
    …YOU AIN’T SHIT.

    Panel 6: This is a tighter shot of the duo and they are standing in the traditional back-to-back formation with MARCEL facing OP and ADAM facing towards the bottom right of the page.

    PAGE FIVE (3 Panels)

    Panel 1: This panel is similar to Panel 4 of the previous page, however now the two men are looking up. MARCEL has turned and is now facing the same direction that ADAM is. MARCEL has a look of doubt upon his face while ADAM is grinning. There is a very large shadow over about half of them. ID is coming. He is the one causing the shadow and at this moment, he’s about to enter the fight.

    Panel 2: This panel is an establishing shot of ID. He’s very Hulk-like here, and he has landed from a large leap. The ground is giving around him and there are heroes who are falling away from the impact of ID landing. This background is a cityscape full of building and cars. There is nothing remarkable about the city.

    SFX
    THOOOOM

    Panel 3: This panel is of MARCEL and ADAM. ADAM is partially visible as he’s already flying towards ID. MARCEL is the careful one and he’s trying to warn ADAM at this point.

    ADAM
    MINE!

    MARCEL
    DENT!

    PAGE SIX (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is a side view as we can now see across the street and there is another man, older, white, buzz cut walking and paying no attention to ADAM at all.

    CAPTIONS
    HERE IN THE OPEN! THE BALLS ON ‘EM! THEY’RE HERE! THEY. ARE. HERE.

    Panel 2: Close-up of ADAM. He’s looks panicked and is worried that he’s going to be caught.

    CAPTIONS
    THE SMELL. THEY’LL ALWAYS FIND THE SMELL. CAN’T ESCAPE IT. CAN’T ESCAPE THEM.

    Panel 3: Close-up on a cell phone

    CAPTIONS
    CHRISTY. SHE COULD HELP. ANSWER! FUCK! THE PHONE! LISTENING? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

    Panel 4: This is back to the fight. This panel is focused on ADAM. This is tight on his face as he’s flying as fast as possible towards ID. He’s again straining, pushing himself to his limit.

    ADAM (to himself)
    YOU’RE MINE MOTHERFUCKER

    Panel 5: Tighter on the face, this is very important to ADAM. He’s focused, angry, determined.

    ADAM (to himself)
    MINE!

    PAGE SEVEN (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This panel shows the relation in distance between ID and ADAM. ADAM is close and ready to land a destructive punch on ID. ID should be busy swatting other sup-heroes away. This is a very large panel as we see multiple heroes attempting to hurt ID

    Panel 2: This panel is large and it shows ADAM landing a haymaker square on the jaw of ID. This is a huge shot. This is a proud moment. It’s a shot that will turn the tides, or so ADAM thinks.

    SFX
    KRAAKOOM

    Panel 3: This is a small panel of ID. He is looking straight at the POV and looks PISSED. He’s not hurt by the shot, but he’s full of RAGE now at the nerve of this man striking him hand to hand. This is ultimate rage here, go crazy.

    Panel 4: This panel cuts back to ADAM. He’s shocked and knows at this point that he’s fucked. He should have a look of “oh shit” but this is not a comedic moment. This is more of a “deer in the headlights” kind of a moment. This is the moment where ADAM realizes there are bigger things in the world than him.

    ADAM (whisper)
    SHIT

    PAGE EIGHT (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: Here we see the moment that changes ADAM’S life. I see this as ID hitting him with a devastating uppercut. I see ADAM as being in the air as this is moments after the impact. In the background, we can see more of the city, a battle or two going on and MARCEL who is already flying towards ID to help save his friend. I see ADAM flying away and to the left while MARCEL is heading straight at the reader.

    SFX
    KOOOOM!

    Panel 2: This is a shot of ADAM landing on the ground. There is nothing breaking his fall. There is nothing stopping this from being life threatening. I want this to look bad. I want him to look as though he’s dead at this moment.

    Panel 3: This cut is back to MARCEL. He is building up his power while flying towards ID. MARCEL is the only thing in the panel.

    Panel 4: This panel is of ID who is preparing another deathblow for MARCEL. He is still in his hulk-like form.

    PAGE NINE (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is a shot of ADAM. His body is a mess, one eye is open, and facing the battle as he lays crumpled on the ground. He has the look on his face of pride, yet he’s holding back tears.

    ADAM
    …GET ‘EM MARCEL

    Panel 2: This panel is from the eyes of ADAM. In the distance, we can see MARCEL unloading his power upon ID. However, the eyelids of ADAM are closing. This is for sure the last thing that ADAM sees. This is a large panel even though it’s being cut off on all sides by the “eyelids” of ADAM closing.

    Panel 3: This panel is a mid-shot of the body of ADAM lying on the ground. He should appear as though he’s dead at this moment. His eyes are closed and I see the shadows covering him slightly in the image instead of it being a static shot.

    Panel 4: This is the exact same panel except for a large sound effect from the battle

    SFX
    SSSHA-KOOOOM!

    PAGE TEN (5 Panels)

    Panel 1: While walking past an alley, he’s hailed by a drug addict. I want him to be sickly looking, white young man. I want this to go against stereotypes. ADAM is still holding the phone.

    ADDICT
    HEY MAN, YOU HOLDIN?

    ADAM
    …WHAT?

    Panel 2: This panel is focused more on the drug addict than ADAM. ADAM is closing the phone here.

    ADDICT
    I SAID YOU GOT SOMETHIN’ MAN? I AIN’T GOT NO MONEY BUT UH, LOOK, WE COULD FIGURE SOMETHIN’ OUT IF YOU CATCH.

    ADAM
    GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

    Panel 3: The drug dealer recognizes him, but Adam denies it.

    ADDICT
    WAIT, YOU’RE HIM. AH SHIT, YOU’RE HIM AIN’T YOU? YOU’RE THAT GUY, DENT! THAT’S YOU!

    ADAM
    NAH MAN, I’M IN TOWN FROM JERSEY, YOU GOT ME CONFUSED.

    ADDICT
    AH BULLSHIT. THAT’S BULLSHIT MAN, YOU’RE HIM I KNOW IT. IT’S FUCKING DENT OVER HERE MAN! ADAM FUCKING DENT!

    Panel 4: Here we are back with the fight. The POV is still from the body of ADAM. I want this to be as if there is actually a cameraman filming and he has turned to see what’s come from the sound effect. We can see the tail end of a blast by MARCEL. I see this as looking down a street and we can see MARCEL floating and ID falling back from the blast. He’s been lifted off his feet and its obvious MARCEL is doing better than ADAM did.

    Panel 5: The camera is getting closer and MARCEL is flying towards ID, who is still in mid-air.

    PAGE ELEVEN (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: The camera is directly behind the back of MARCEL as he’s caught ID in mid-air and is catching/tackling him, and is about to drive him into the building in front of them. I want ID to be altering his form slightly here. He’s changing his hands to something more relevant like a spiked arm, sword, and claws. It doesn’t have to be anything specific, as long as his arm looks dangerous.

    Panel 2: Here we have the impact of MARCEL and ID hitting the wall and breaking through it part of the way. Again, the arm is changing and it’s fully formed now into something intense.

    Panel 3: This panel shows MARCEL immediately staying on the attack and punching ID to the ground. In the background, we see DISTOPIA positioned behind MARCEL. She is building up a power in one of her hands. It appears to be an energy blast.

    Panel 4: This panel is tight on DISTOPIA. Her blast is fully charged, and she’s about to unload on MARCEL.

    PAGE TWELVE (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is a large panel of DISTOPIA blasting MARCEL. In this panel, I want to see more of the battle happening around them as well. There are at least 4 other characters fighting both good and bad. I see the blast coming from behind MARCEL, staggering him forward. ID is at the bottom of the panel, recovering. His eyes are locked on MARCEL.

    Panel 2: This smaller panel is focused on ID, who is using the opportunity to strike MARCEL. ID is the only character in the panel and there is no background.

    Panel 3: This panel is of MARCEL, still shaken by the blast, his eyes are closed, and he’s leaning forward slightly. I see this as being only a headshot.

    Panel 4: We see MARCEL again; his posture is shocked straight up. This is only a headshot again but now he’s eyes are open and he should look as thought he’s been brought to attention.

    PAGE THIRTEEN (1 Panel)

    Panel 1: This is a splash page of ID, DISTOPIA, and MARCEL. This panel is happening at the same time as the last panel on the previous page. I see ID using his arm and destroying MARCEL. I don’t want this to look like a sword going through and not quite making past the other end, I want this to be brutal. This should make the readers feel something for MARCEL because of the brutality in which he’s killed. I want DISTOPIA to have a hand over her mouth. She should look shocked as well. I see a hero/villain fight as something that’s very serious but it’s not to the level of killing each other. The relationship has been more of a Flash Rogues Vs. The Flash, however ID has taken it to another level. For the actual killing I see this mangled, destructive arm that ID has created, being shoved through MARCEL’S torso so quickly that there is an explosion of guts and organs through the back of MARCEL’S body. This should have cityscape in it, and these three characters. In addition, if you could part with it, this is a page I would absolutely love to have… just saying.

    PAGE FOURTEEN (7 Panels)

    Panel 1: Here we see ADAM pushing the man against the wall. ADAM is getting pissed and trying to shut the guy up.

    ADAM
    SHUT THE FUCK UP!

    SFX
    WHAM

    ADAM
    THAT’S NOT ME, GOT IT!

    ADDICT
    SURE, MAN, SURE. WHATEVER YOU SAY MAN, JUST C’MON, BE COOL, IT’S COOL.

    ADAM
    SAY IT. SAY IT!

    ADDICT
    THAT’S NOT YOU. I WAS BULLSHITTIN’ OKAY. I CAN SEE IT, THAT AIN’T YOU.

    Panel 2: This panel is of ADAM walking away and the addict getting in one last verbal shot at him.

    ADDICT
    MAN, NO WONDER THEY DEAD. CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER…

    Panel 3: Here ADAM has just lost it. He’s turned quickly, and hit the addict with a right cross.

    ADAM
    IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

    Panel 4-7: These four panels are together making up the length of the page. I want to see ADAM punching the ground, which, we presume, is the addict. In addition, there is one word of the sentence in each panel.

    ADAM
    IT
    WASN’T
    MY
    FAULT!

    PAGE FIFTEEN (5 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is tight on the face of DISTOPIA. She should look shocked and scared. Again, she should have her hand in front of her mouth.

    DISTOPIA (whisper)
    MY GOD.

    Panel 2: This panel is of the face of ID. He has an intense look upon his face. He’s still focused on the killing of MARCEL.

    Panel 3: Now, ID’S face has turned and he’s looking at the camera, which we know to be DISTOPIA.

    Panel 4: This is a panel of DISTOPIA firing a blast at ID, while she’s in the air. This is a defensive move to gain distance from this monster.

    Panel 5: This panel shows the blast hitting ID and having no effect. He should be in the beginning mode of flying after her. His bloody hand/arm is now switched back to a regular arm but he still has blood covering it.

    PAGE SIXTEEN (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: DISTOPIA has turned her back to ID and is flying away as fast as possible.

    Panel 2: Same camera angle except ID is very close to her now. I want him to appear much thinner and lighter than before. He should be doing this to streamline himself in order to speed up.

    Panel 3: This is a tight shot of ID grabbing the ankle of DISTOPIA.

    Panel 4: He is now pulling her back and at this point, they are almost side by side with each other. He is pulling with one hand on her ankle. She should have a look of panic on her face. This is high above the city and there are a few people fighting in the shot.

    PAGE SEVENTEEN (3 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is tight on the face of DISTOPIA. ID has his hands on both sides of her head. She is panicked, scared.

    Panel 2: ID’S arms, looking much larger now, have crushed the skull of DISTOPIA. This is the same camera angle as before. Her head is now misshapen, and her expression is blank.

    SFX
    CRUNCH!

    Panel 3: This panel is from behind ID and should fill up the rest of the page. I see ID holding out one hand to his side. He has just released DISTOPIA and her dead body is now falling towards the ground. I see this in cinematic terms as a very widescreen feels where the camera picks up a large section of city, heroes, and villains, with the centerpiece being ID and his dropping of DISTOPIA.

    PAGE EIGHTEEN (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This panel is of ID slashing a character from behind him and blasting another character in front of him. This is a large panel and this shows that he’s just wiping out everyone. I want him to look the same in the face but different in his arms. He should also look beaten down and bloody. We aren’t sure if this is his blood or someone else’s and it doesn’t matter really. He should look battle worn since he’s gone through around 30+ Heroes/Villains.

    Panel 2: This is of ID looking down and seeing a pile of dead bodies

    Panel 3: ID looking in another direction and seeing more dead bodies.

    Panel 4: This panel is of ID seeing ADAM. This is close enough so we can tell that it’s ADAM. He should still look the same as he did before.

    PAGE NINETEEN (3 Panels)

    Panel 1: This panel is of ID flying above all the carnage, yet the camera is above him looking down at all the dead characters. This is ID surveying the area making sure he didn’t miss someone.

    Panel 2: Here we see a closer shot of ID. He is without expression. He feels as though this is something that should have been done, much like we would look after finishing a mundane task. This does not excite him.

    Panel 3: This is a shot of ID flying away.

    PAGE TWENTY (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is from the point of view of ADAM. His eyes are opening, much as they were closing earlier in the book. I want the image to be blurry and we can’t particularly tell what he’s seeing.

    Panel 2: Still from ADAM’S POV. He sees a stark medical room, with no decoration. There is a TV mounted on a TV stand that is angled towards him. He can see his feet and the blankets covering him. In addition, he should be able to see a sheet divider. What I want to do from this point is as the character slides emotionally and thematically down, and then I want the art to get darker, dirtier. At this point, the art should look similar to what it does is the super-hero parts of the book.

    CAP
    THREE MONTHS LATER

    Panel 3: This panel is from the POV of ADAM still. There is a doctor leaning over him. The old woman looks pleased, surprised. She’s holding a clipboard and is dressed like a typical doctor would be. This is night as we can a lamp switched on, on an end table in the corner of the room.

    DR. CASSAR
    MR. DENT! I’LL NOTIFY YOUR FAMILY AT ONCE.

    Panel 4: This panel is the same POV except instead of DR. CASSAR; there are a number of ADAM’S family members in the room. We can see his parents, and an older woman who is ADAM and KEVIN’S Aunt. They should all look happy to see ADAM. This is during the day as the light is off and there is some sun coming through a window that is behind ADAM.

    MOTHER
    ADAM! OH THANK GOD! WE’VE BEEN SO WORRIED!

    AUNT
    WE’RE ALL SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!

    FATHER
    YOU LOOK GOOD SON…

    PAGE TWENTY-ONE (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This panel is of ADAM’S dad. He’s looking down, lying about his words here. He looks devastated by the shape his boy is in.

    FATHER
    …STRONG

    Panel 2: This panel is of the group of ADAM’S family. The mother is very tight on the camera and we can see her leaning in to kiss his forehead. The father is keeping his distance and the Aunt is holding her hand over her mouth. The family is having a hard time believing that he’s awake as well as realizing the shape he’s in now.

    MOTHER
    WE LOVE YOU ADAM. WE LOVE YOU… WE’LL BE HERE FOR YOU, NO MATTER WHAT, OKAY? OKAY HONEY?

    ADAM
    YEAH. I-I… WHERE’S KEVIN?

    MOTHER
    HE’S ON HIS WAY.

    ADAM
    MARCEL?

    MOTHER
    OH…

    Panel 3: This panel is a tight shot of the father. He’s looking at ADAM out of the corner of his eyes. He did not want this conversation to come up so quickly.

    ADAM (op)
    WHERE IS HE?

    Panel 4: This panel is again of the father. He’s swallowing his bottom lip, trying to keep things together in front of his son. He knows ADAM will have a large outburst when he hears the news.

    FATHER
    SON, HE UM…

    Panel 5: This panel is of the father struggling. He has to tell his son, that everyone else is dead.

    ADAM
    HOW BAD?

    FATHER
    HE DIDN’T MAKE IT… NONE OF THEM DID.

    PAGE TWENTY-TWO (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This first panel is an establishing shot of a memorial. It’s an exterior shot, fall, dusk. There should be leaves falling off the trees and covering parts of the memorial. The memorial itself is made of stone and contains an iconic shot of MARCEL. MARCEL is using his power in the pose and we can discuss more about what in particular this pose will be. The statue sits on a large stone block. The stone block has a large inscription on the front of it that we can’t yet read. On one side of it, there are names like a war memorial.

    RADIO CAP
    –MAYOR SCHELLEN TODAY UNVEILED THE SLOPE PARK MEMORIAL, EXACTLY THREE MONTHS AFTER THE INCIDENT THAT LEFT … WHAT WAS IT, LACEY? ALMOST 50 DEAD?

    Panel 2: This is a tight shot on the memorial. This inscription is written at the bottom of the large stone block. I see this as being in large type in simple letters.

    RADIO CAP
    AND HERE WE ARE, THREE MONTHS LATER, AND WE STILL HAVE THE QUESTION OF ID. WHAT IS IT? WHERE DID IT GO? WILL IT BE BACK?

    THEIR LIVES THEY HELD
    THEIR COUNTRY’S TRUST:
    THEY KEPT ITS FAITH:
    THEY DIED ITS HEROES

    Panel 3: This panel is of ADAM. This is another sort of a reveal as we see him muscular as before the injury yet looking utterly helpless. He’s in the wheelchair and looks like hell. In addition, he has a halo on but it’s very tight on his face so that’s not very visible. I want him to be holding back tears here. He’s internalizing the pain of not being able to save anyone that day.

    RADIO CAP
    PERSONALLY, I THINK THIS MEMORIAL IS THE LEAST OF OUR WORRIES. IF ID COMES BACK, WHAT DO WE DO? THIS THING KILLED 99% OF THE OPERATING SUPERS, AND IT’S STILL OUT THERE? WHO’S GOING TO STOP IT THE NEXT TIME? LET’S TAKE A CALL … DOUG, YOU’RE ON 1220 THE ZONE.

    DOUG RADIO CAP
    YEAH THANKS FOR TAKIN’ MY CALL. WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHERE IS DENT? I MEAN THIS GUY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF SAVIOR AND WHAT DID HE TURN OUT TO BE? HE GOES AGAINST THE BIG BOYS AND HE CRUMBLES. WE SPENT OVER–

    Panel 4: This panel is black. There is no image in this panel, only the caption.

    RADIO CAP
    THANKS FOR THE CALL DOUG, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE ON. HE’S RIGHT THOUGH, BESIDES ID, THE THING WE GET THE MOST HERE AT THE SHOW IS TO GET ADAM DENT ON. WE TRIED TO GET HIM ON, BUT TO BE HONEST, WE CAN’T FIND HIM. WE KNOW HE WASN’T KILLED, THAT’S BEEN CONFIRMED. WE DON’T KNOW HOWEVER WHAT’S HAPPENED TO HIM. THERE ARE RUMORS THAT HIS POWERS WERE LOST IN THE OPERATING ROOM….SOME HAVE CLAIMED HE LEFT TOWN. ONE THING IS FOR CERTAIN HOWEVER, AND THAT’S OUR CITY NEEDS A HERO… OUR CITY NEEDS ADAM DENT…

  2. B. Macon 18 Feb 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Page 1…
    –What do Adam and Marcel look like? Teens? Navy SEALS? British dandies? Thugs? Give us some details to set the stage. (For example, if one is wearing a t-shirt, we can rule out the British dandy angle ;-) ). Yeah, age is very important.
    –I think phrases like “F*** yeah” are a bit distracting. I’d recommend either using the profanity uncensored, using a profanity you’d actually be willing to print (“hell yeah!”), or alternatively just taking the profanity out. I think that the main virtue of using a profanity as the first word of the issue would be to cue readers that this is a hard-hitting series not for kids, and censoring out the profanity undermines that.

    Pages 2-3
    –Opening with a combat scene is tricky. We don’t know anything about Adam or Marcel. I don’t even know if they’re the good guys. (Although I would guess they are since it’s unusual to start with the villains or give them common names).
    –I think it’s interesting that you’d have them heading into the fight but not actually there yet. I suspect that would force the fight into the background.
    –Double-splashes (AKA two-page spreads) have to be EXTRAORDINARILY important to the story. I think this one is okay.
    –Who’s STATION? I don’t think that readers will be able to understand which of these sets of captions is coming from the station as opposed to the news copter. (After all, we’ve seen news copters but we haven’t seen the station).
    –a “…RECEIVED WORD THAT A…GATHERING TONIGHT?” Gathering? I’m a bit confused by that.
    –I feel like the news copter’s captions are too expositional, too info-dumpy. It doesn’t sound like a real newscast. Instead of throwing around rhetorical questions (“What are they doing? Why are they all here?”) I’d recommend throwing out speculation and commentary.
    –”STEVE, IT APPEARS– WE CAN SEE THE MAJORITY OF THE ACTIVE SUPERS NEAR YOUR POSITION, CAN YOU CONFIRM THAT?” Is this line necessary?

    PAGE 4
    –The chronology is not clear here. Is this 5 AM *before* or *after* what we just saw with the newscameras? How much before or after? At the very least, indicate in the script how many days or weeks we’ve moved and in which direction. However, I think readers may also need some cues.
    –What do the villains they’re punching look like? This seems like a rather important character design issue, so I wouldn’t recommend leaving it 100% to whatever the artist’s feeling like today.
    –My lack of familiarity with New York City is confusing me a bit here. I don’t know what the Astor Place Cube looks like, or what kind of scene you’re trying to create with it, or why you have it here. My best guess is that it’s here to establish that this is NYC. The problem with that is that I don’t think most people outside of New York would recognize it. Could you give a few words about how the APC appears in this particular panel? (What mood are you trying to convey with it?)
    –”What can you tell us about this… ID” — This sentence sounds like a very rough “As you know, Bob.” They’re essentially asking the copter guy to deliver an info-dump. I’d recommend breaking away from the idea that the conversation has to be split ~50-50 between the station and the copter. The station contributes very little (if anything) here. Just let the guys with the copter give their observations, I think… it should be more interesting.
    –Continuity issues. On pages 2-3, the copter sounds absolutely confident that this is Id’s doing. On page 4, it sounds like they aren’t even sure that Id exists. How could they be so confident that this is Id if they don’t even know he exists?
    –On page 4, there are about 125 words of exposition/dialogue. I think that’s a lot for the middle of a fight. Especially panel 2. Panel 2 has to accomodate 60+ words in at least six separate bubbles. That’s a hell of a lot of text. Splitting up the panel might help.
    –I feel like the characters need more personality. For example, what are some differences between Marcel and Adam?
    –I’m not fond of the copter’s captions, particularly “THE RUMORS ABOUT THIS THING… IT’S POWER… IT CAN BE OR DO ANYTHING… THAT’S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW TO DESCRIBE IT.” Have you ever heard a newscopter report on rumors before? I don’t think this feels believable.
    –Also, “it’s” shouldn’t have an apostrophe here. It’s should only have an apostrophe when you’re trying to make the contraction for “it is.” The possessive its shouldn’t have one.

    Page 5
    –Okay, so Marcel is the careful one and Adam isn’t. That’s some personality. I’d recommend showing it earlier.
    –”There is nothing remarkable about the city.” That makes the panel sound kind of boring.
    –What does ID look like?
    –When Marcel yells, “DENT!” what does he mean? Who is Dent?
    –In panel 3, if Marcel is not on-panel when he tries to warn Adam, I’d recommend adding (OP) or (off-panel) to the script. MARCEL (off-panel): DENT!

    Page 6
    –My impression of the guy in panel 1 is that he’s a senile man completely oblivious to the battle sprawling across the street. If you want to convey something else, please be more specific.
    –Who delivers the caption “HERE IN THE OPEN! THE BALLS ON ‘EM! THEY’RE HERE! THEY. ARE. HERE.” The helicopter?
    –Who delivers “THE SMELL. THEY’LL ALWAYS FIND THE SMELL. CAN’T ESCAPE IT. CAN’T ESCAPE THEM”?
    –Okay, so I think the captions are the result of schizophrenia. Personally, I’m finding it difficult to follow.

    Page 7
    –I think panel 3 will look really interesting. However, I would recommend giving it more space.
    –How big is Id? Man-sized? Bigger than man-sized? This seems like it could be something very important to the plot, so I definitely would not leave it just to the artist.
    –I like the deer in the headlights moment.

    Page 8
    –I like this page. I find it refreshing that the guy with the Hulk-like form is actually the more patient/intelligent of the two.

    Page 9
    –This looks okay.

    Page 10
    –The chronology here is very confusing.
    –Where did the phone come from? (I vaguely remember that it was mentioned before, but I have since forgotten any details. If it’s an important detail, I’d recommend making it seem more prominent when it came up the first time).
    –There are some punctuation issues here. For example, “get the **** away from me” should have a period at the end.
    –In panel 1, you describe the character as a drug addict that seems to be asking Adam if he has any drugs (“I said, you got somethin’ man? I ain’t got no money but we could figure something out…”) In panel 3, you describe the character as a drug dealer. That doesn’t seem consistent. Why would a drug dealer need money to make a trade? It’s the CUSTOMER that needs the money. ;-)
    –There are comma issues.

    Page 11
    –”Its obvious…” This should have an apostrophe because you’re using the contraction for “it is.” However, this isn’t a major problem because the reader will never see this panel description. Please be really careful about the word-choice and punctuation in your dialogue and captions, though, because those WILL be shown to readers.
    –Dystopia is usually spelled with a Y instead of an I (distopia?). Is the unconventional spelling intentional?
    –”but now he’s eyes are open…” He’s should be “his” here.

    Page 12
    –Okay.
    –I would recommend reading through the script carefully before submitting it. You should be able to pick up on typos like “as thought he’s been brought to attention.” (Thought should be though).

    Page 13
    –Okay, so Marcel gets iced. This seems like a solid use of a splash page.
    –If Id is far more violent/homicidal than the typical villain, I’d recommend mentioning that sooner. Maybe the copter guy might note that he may be tied to a number of horribly graphic murders.
    –”In addition, if you could part with it, this is a page I would absolutely love to have… just saying.” I’d recommend taking out this line when you submit it.

    Page 14
    –Speaking only for myself, I’m a bit put off by characters who have some tragic mistake in their past but “it isn’t my fault” or they otherwise aren’t responsible for it. My concern is that they’re going to angst heavily. If you’re going to give an anti-hero, personally I’d rather deal with a character who actually IS an anti-hero rather than someone that’s just misunderstood or has a slippery trigger finger or got possessed or whatever.

    Page 15
    –Distopia turns on Id really quickly. For that to be believable, I think it would make sense if the attack were not only obviously barbaric, which it is, but also purely unnecessary. For example, maybe Marcel is already dead or unconscious at the point that Id starts dismembering the body.
    –I don’t understand. If she’s just trying to get away from him, why does she attack him?

    Page 16-17
    –Okay, this is really graphic. It sounds like it’s pretty deep into rated-R territory, particularly after what he did to Marcel. I think you can cut out the bleeps (sh**!) because anyone old enough to read this will expect the real thing.

    Page 18
    –Adam “looks the same as he did before.” Could you elaborate? When we last saw him, he was lying more or less dead with both eyes closed.

    Page 19
    –I think that you’ve had averaged ~4 panels a page, which is sort of expected because this is an action. (In contrast, I usually do dialogue at around 6-8 panels per page). However, I think that this page could fit more than 3. None of these panels require a huge amount of space. Nor do I think they’re important enough to warrant it.

    Page 20
    –I think that cutting out panels 1 and 2 would make the chronology easier to follow. Also, it’d save space.
    –This family dialogue seems pretty bland. Could you make it a bit more unique to this family and this situation? For example, perhaps you could have the dialogue hint at Adam’s horrific shape or what happened to his friends. (At least, I assume Marcel is a friend).

    Page 21
    –I like this, but again I don’t think that you probably don’t need to spend a page on these four panels. If your script only has 22 pages (mine has 32), I don’t think that you can afford to be this generous with space.

    Page 22
    –Why is Marcel the only person featured in the war memorial? Before his death, was he one of the most important superheroes around?
    –I really like the phrase “They kept its faith/They died its heroes.”
    –He has a halo on. What’s a halo? I assume we’re not talking about an angelic ring here.
    –There’s a lot of dialogue on the last page.
    –I’d recommend setting up the last few panels on the last page to foreshadow your next issue. Something sinister, perhaps. Maybe Id getting his next attack in order? Some sort of dramatic reveal with regards to Adam? Etc.

  3. B. Macon 18 Feb 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Some recurring points.

    –I’d recommend giving the epilogue (everything that happens after Adam waking up in the hospital) more space, maybe 1-3 pages. I think you can cut out space from the fight sequence because I think it gets redundant.
    –If this is 22 pages long, I think the story has to be tighter. Pretty much every page has 3-4 panels. I’d recommend finding places where you could condense 5-6 panels into the same amount of space. That will help you come up with extra space for the epilogue.
    –I would highly, highly recommend giving Adam a more distinct personality and voice. I’m not yet getting vibes along the lines of “that’s something he would say!”, which suggests to me that his voice isn’t distinct enough to stand out from other characters.
    –What’s the target audience? I assume that it has to be adults because the violence level is quite high. If so, I would unbleep the profanity. I think that adults would be annoyed by the bleeping.
    –However, I don’t believe that the profanity was particularly effective. Even if you did unbleep it, I think it’d feel like the characters are trying to sound badass but not actually getting there. If I could suggest a nonfiction police procedural, you might benefit from Courtroom 302 by Steve Bogira. The cops do an excellent job of establishing their badassery with dialogue. And, yes, there is a preposterous amount of profanity. ;-) For example… FEMALE CRIMINAL: “I just wanna know why you’re picking on me.” MALE COP: “Because you’re a crazy-ass fucking hype who can’t take care of her own kids. That’s why.” I think that’s a bit more fresh and exciting than the profanity your characters use.

  4. EWill79on 19 Feb 2010 at 7:24 am

    just sort of an fyi, I thought the site was supposed to be PG, nothing R rated, so that’s why I bleeped out the profanity. In the actual script it’s not bleeped. Thanks for the response, I’ll try to comment/explain more once I get off work. Thanks again.

  5. B. Macon 19 Feb 2010 at 1:10 pm

    I tend to use very little profanity, because a lot of my readers are young and I like to keep my writing school-friendly. However, the audience for each review forum skews its own way. If you don’t mind, I just went into your script, uncensored all of the profanity and noted at the beginning that the language is mature.

  6. EWill79on 19 Feb 2010 at 6:34 pm

    is there a way for me to edit my own comments? I would like to have the submission script up here instead of the full script. The submission script is more polished in my view, and it’s probably what I should have put up to have looked at in retrospect.

  7. B. Macon 19 Feb 2010 at 10:54 pm

    If I were a skilled coder, I could probably enable guests to edit their comments and maybe even set up their own forums. (Like opening an account on GeoCities or guest-centric political sites like Daily Kos or RedState). Unfortunately, I’m not a coder and don’t have the budget for one now.

    If you post the new script, I or one of the moderators can replace the original. I hate how unwieldy that is for our guests, but it’s probably the easiest solution that doesn’t require expensive technical assistance.

  8. EWill79on 21 Feb 2010 at 3:57 pm

    why are none of my comments showing up?

  9. EWill79on 21 Feb 2010 at 3:58 pm

    I’ve been having problems getting my messages to post. I’m going to try again, so here is the submission style script that is much more polished I feel than what I put down before. Thanks for changing it.

    EW

    PAGE ONE (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is an exterior shot. It’s day, sunny, and ADAM DENT is flying. He’s pushing himself and there is sweat on his face. He should appear as if he’s straining. This is tight on the character.

    Panel 2: Pull back slightly to show there are other characters flying with him. Not all the characters should be completely visible but MARCEL is there, make sure to show him enough so we can tell it’s him.

    Panel 3: Pull back again and this time there is a different point of view. We can now see that the group is flying over a suburban area. Also, this time we can see some news copters in the panel as well. This will set up the radio broadcasting captions on the next page.

    Panel 4: This is tight on the face of ADAM. He should have a slight grin on his face. He’s ahead of the audience here and he’s happy about what he sees.

    ADAM
    FUCK YEAH

    PAGES TWO & THREE (2 Page spread)

    Panel 1: This two-page spread is the biggest, badass fight you can give me. I want to see as many people fighting with as many distinctive, yet familiar powers as you’ve got. These two pages may be a ball buster but fucking pour it all on these two, go nuts. The only suggestion I have is to be mindful of the fold and to show the characters we know. I’m also seeing just 2 full pages with no panels but you can do whatever you want on these two pages. In addition, I suggest that we don’t yet at this point have Marcel or Adam in the fight. I see them as heading towards the fight, but not there yet. Be sure to add in those copters as well.

    CAP COPTER
    –AGO, WE RECEIVED WORD OF AN ALTERCATION DOWNTOWN THAT’S NOW SPREAD INTO… THIS-THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE

    CAP COPTER
    I’VE NEVER SEEN… (whisper) my god it’s all of them. *cough* YOU’LL HAVE TO FORGIVE ME HERE, AH, THIS IS A LITTLE OVERWHELMING. FROM FIRST GLANCE I WOULD SAY MOST, IF NOT ALL… PARTICIPANTS IN THE PROGRAM ARE IN FRONT OF US HERE. HOWEVER, THE QUESTION REMAINS, WHAT ARE THEY DOING? WHY HERE, AND WHY NOW?

    CAP COPTER
    THE ONLY THING THAT’S EVER BROUGHT OUT THESE NUMBERS OF SUPERS, AND DISSENTERS WAS ID, AND FOLKS, IF HE’S HERE… GOD HELP US.

    PAGE FOUR (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This is back with the super-hero and it’s in the midst of the crazy battle. What I want here is for ADAM and MARCEL to be near each other fighting. I see ADAM using his power and MARCEL punching some random villains here. They should look intense, but enjoying themselves.

    MARCEL
    –UNDER A MINUTE. GOT THAT?

    ADAM
    LET ME TAKE POINT.

    MARCEL
    WHEN WE GET THERE, YOU’RE FLANKING. IT’LL REMEMBER ME.

    ADAM
    FUCK THAT MARCEL. I WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER!

    Panel 2: This is a different POV, with different villains, yet the result is the same. They are continuing to kick ass here. This should appear somewhat easy and the guys are not being hit or scratched as all at this point.

    MARCEL
    YOU CAN’T TAKE ‘EM, D.

    ADAM (to himself)
    YOU DID.

    MARCEL
    I GOT LUCKY…. RIGHT NOW WE CAN’T AFFORD LUCKY.

    Panel 3: Here the guys are continuing to fight but the point of these panels is the foreshadowing of the fight with ID. I see MARCEL and ADAM fending off more villains but focus much more on the two heroes.

    MARCEL
    BESIDES, COMPARED TO ME …

    Panel 4: This panel is a tight insert of MARCEL. He should be smiling, making it clear that he’s joking around with ADAM in this panel.

    MARCEL
    …YOU AIN’T SHIT.

    Panel 5: This is a tighter shot of the duo and they are standing in the traditional back-to-back formation with MARCEL facing OP and ADAM facing towards the bottom right of the page.

    PAGE FIVE (6 Panels)

    Panel 1: This panel is similar to Panel 4 of the previous page, however now the two men are looking up. MARCEL has turned and is now facing the same direction that ADAM is. MARCEL has a look of doubt upon his face while ADAM is grinning. There is a very large shadow over about half of them. ID is coming. He is the one causing the shadow and at this moment, he’s about to enter the fight.

    Panel 2: This panel is an establishing shot of ID. He’s very Hulk-like here, and he has landed from a large leap. The ground is giving around him and there are heroes who are falling away from the impact of ID landing. This background is a cityscape full of building and cars. There is nothing remarkable about the city.

    SFX
    THOOOOM

    Panel 3: This panel is of MARCEL and ADAM. ADAM is partially visible as he’s already flying towards ID. MARCEL is the careful one and he’s trying to warn ADAM at this point.

    ADAM
    MINE!

    MARCEL
    DENT!

    PAGE SIX (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This panel shows the relation in distance between ID and ADAM. ADAM is close and ready to land a destructive punch on ID. ID should be busy swatting other sup-heroes away. This is a very large panel as we see multiple heroes attempting to hurt ID

    Panel 2: This panel is large and it shows ADAM landing a haymaker square on the jaw of ID. This is a huge shot. This is a proud moment. It’s a shot that will turn the tides, or so ADAM thinks.

    SFX
    KRAAKOOM!

    Panel 3: This is a small panel of ID. He is looking straight at the POV and looks PISSED. He’s not hurt by the shot, but he’s full of RAGE now at the nerve of this man striking him hand to hand. This is ultimate rage here, go crazy.

    Panel 4: This panel cuts back to ADAM. He’s shocked and knows at this point that he’s fucked. He should have a look of “oh shit” but this is not a comedic moment. This is more of a “deer in the headlights” kind of a moment. This is the moment where ADAM realizes there are bigger things in the world than him.

    ADAM (whisper)
    SHIT

    PAGE SEVEN (6 Panels)

    Panel 1: Here we see the moment that changes ADAM’S life. I see this as ID hitting him with a devastating uppercut. I see ADAM as being in the air as this is moments after the impact. In the background, we can see more of the city, a battle or two going on and MARCEL who is already flying towards ID to help save his friend. I see ADAM flying away and to the left while MARCEL is heading straight at the reader.

    SFX
    KOOOOM!

    Panel 2: The POV is still from the prospective of ADAM. I want this to be as if there is actually a cameraman filming and he has turned to see what’s come from the sound effect. We can see the tail end of a blast by MARCEL. I see this as looking down a street and we can see MARCEL flying towards ID. ID is still posed after his huge punch to ADAM.

    Panel 3: The camera is directly behind the back of MARCEL as he’s built up his power from his core and is unleashing it towards ID. This is a moment after ID has been struck with the force of that power and he’s being knocked back and upwards.

    Panel 4: This panel is of MARCEL looking back towards ADAM. This is completely out of character for MARCEL and he’s only doing this because of how much he respects and cares for ADAM. ID is in the background, gathering himself, ready to attack MARCEL who’s not looking. His eyes are locked on MARCEL. His arms have been changed to something sinister looking

    Panel 5: This is a tight shot of ID. He’s about to strike MARCEL. MARCEL has his back turned towards ADAM still and will not see this coming. ID should have a smirk on his face

    Panel 6: This panel is a tight shot on the face of ADAM. He is looking on in horror. This moment will haunt him forever.

    SFX
    SPLEUCH

    PAGE EIGHT (4 Panels)

    Panel 1: This first panel is an establishing shot of a memorial. It’s an exterior shot, fall, dusk. There should be leaves falling off the trees and covering parts of the memorial. The memorial itself is made of stone and contains an iconic shot of MARCEL. MARCEL is using his power in the pose and we can discuss more about what in particular this pose will be. The statue sits on a large stone block. The stone block has a large inscription on the front of it that we can’t yet read. On one side of it, there are names like a war memorial.

    RADIO CAP
    –MAYOR SCHELLEN TODAY UNVEILED THE SLOPE PARK MEMORIAL, EXACTLY THREE MONTHS AFTER THE INCIDENT THAT LEFT … WHAT WAS IT, LACEY? ALMOST 50 DEAD?

    Panel 2: This is a tight shot on the memorial. This inscription is written at the bottom of the large stone block. I see this as being in large type in simple letters.

    RADIO CAP
    AND HERE WE ARE, THREE MONTHS LATER, AND WE STILL HAVE THE QUESTION OF ID. WHAT IS IT? WHERE DID IT GO? WILL IT BE BACK?

    THEIR LIVES THEY HELD
    THEIR COUNTRY’S TRUST:
    THEY KEPT ITS FAITH:
    THEY DIED ITS HEROES

    Panel 3: This panel is of ADAM. This is another sort of a reveal as we see him muscular as before the injury yet looking utterly helpless. He’s in the wheelchair and looks like hell. In addition, he has a halo on but it’s very tight on his face so that’s not very visible. I want him to be holding back tears here. He’s internalizing the pain of not being able to save anyone that day.

    RADIO CAP
    PERSONALLY, I THINK THIS MEMORIAL IS THE LEAST OF OUR WORRIES. IF ID COMES BACK, WHAT DO WE DO? THIS THING KILLED 99% OF THE OPERATING SUPERS, AND IT’S STILL OUT THERE? WHO’S GOING TO STOP IT THE NEXT TIME? LET’S TAKE A CALL … DOUG, YOU’RE ON 1220 THE ZONE.

    DOUG RADIO CAP
    YEAH THANKS FOR TAKIN’ MY CALL. WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHERE IS DENT? I MEAN THIS GUY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF SAVIOR AND WHAT DID HE TURN OUT TO BE? HE GOES AGAINST THE BIG BOYS AND HE CRUMBLES. WE SPENT OVER–

    Panel 4: This panel is black. There is no image in this panel, only the caption.

    RADIO CAP
    THANKS FOR THE CALL DOUG, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE ON. HE’S RIGHT THOUGH, BESIDES ID, THE THING WE GET THE MOST HERE AT THE SHOW IS TO GET ADAM DENT ON. WE TRIED TO GET HIM ON, BUT TO BE HONEST, WE CAN’T FIND HIM. WE KNOW HE WASN’T KILLED, THAT’S BEEN CONFIRMED. WE DON’T KNOW HOWEVER WHAT’S HAPPENED TO HIM. THERE ARE RUMORS THAT HIS POWERS WERE LOST IN THE OPERATING ROOM….SOME HAVE CLAIMED HE LEFT TOWN. ONE THING IS FOR CERTAIN HOWEVER, AND THAT’S OUR CITY NEEDS A HERO… OUR CITY NEEDS ADAM DENT…

  10. EWill79on 21 Feb 2010 at 3:59 pm

    unreal, does anyone know why every time I post a script, it doesn’t show up, but then i write something like this and it does?

  11. B. Macon 21 Feb 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Hmm. It got flagged as spam for no reason I can discern. Anyway…

    I feel like the writing is generally pretty good, but I think the dialogue could use improvement. In particular, the news copter does a lot of info-dumping and I don’t feel like the news copter adds much in the way of style or particularly necessary backstory. Do you think you could get rid of the news copter? (Since the main characters know who Id is, I assume that you could move any critical information into dialogue).

    I feel like the conversation between Adam and Marcel could also be fresher. I don’t get the sense that these characters are particularly close.

    “You can’t take ‘em, D.” The audience hasn’t seen his name when Marcel calls Adam “D,” so this might confuse readers into thinking that his name is D.

    On page 4, panel 5, the characters are standing back-to-back in what you rightly call a traditional pose. Maybe you could mix it up a bit? For example, maybe the characters are still standing back-to-back, but instead of standing perpendicular to the readers, the characters are at a slant.



    If Marcel is acting atypically, I would recommend making that more obvious. We’ve only seen him for a few pages when he makes this move, so it’s not that easy for us to know what is out of character for him. (Particularly given that he insisted on taking point, so he may come off as a bit brash to begin with).
    If Marcel is just one of ~50 heroes that died, I would recommend cuing that to readers during combat. For example, you could have your artist draw in a few fallen heroes. You could also use the fallen heroes to foreshadow the danger Marcel and Adam are in.

    Hmm. I think it’s interesting that you cut immediately from Marcel’s death to the memorial without showing Id get taken out. I like that– it’s a smooth way to avoid the cliched page where the hero gets really angry and beats the hell out of the villain in a hysterical rage. However, I think that readers will eventually want to know details about how the fight ended, particularly if Id got away. You could do so in flashback, or by recounting journalistic coverage of the fight as it ended, or by having characters narrate what happened, or whatever.

    PS: Thanks for skipping Marcel’s funeral. Superhero funerals are a dime a dozen, especially the speeches. If you did a eulogy, you’d put a lot of pressure on yourself to pump style into a scene that editors will have seen many times before.

  12. EWill79on 21 Feb 2010 at 7:06 pm

    Thanks first of all for getting the problem fixed with the script not coming through properly.

    I agree that the conversation is something that I’ll have to take a look at. Very honestly at this point, I’m much more concerned with the plot and making sure that it’s engaging. The dialogue was kind of a off the top kind of thing, instead of really digging down and figuring what the characters would be saying to each other. That can be changed so late in the game, I figured as long as I got the story beats down, the actual words being spoken can be better developed later.

    I like the idea of changing the angle on the panel where the main guys are back to back. While the idea is still the same, the style of it would be slightly different than the norm, and I can dig that.

    Regarding the cut from Marcel’s death to the memorial, I did that because I felt like showing Id destroy everyone and everything wasn’t really necessary to the story at this point. Adam Dent is taken out, Marcel is killed, Id is still free. That’s the main idea and this way when we show that Adam is still alive, it’s hopefully interesting enough that people want to know if he’s a “super”, if there are any others left, if id is still out there, what happened after the battle, etc.

    Also in the story that my artist and I have plotted out already, Adam is not a hero anymore, his powers are gone and I’m toying with the idea of adding a quick line at the memorial scene where his brother says something along the lines of that’s not his world anymore. I feel like I’m getting close on this and once a few more things get straightened out, and I can really focus in on the dialogue then it will be ready for Will to start drawing and pitch to some companies.

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