Dec 23 2009

JunoDagger’s Review Forum

Published by at 8:03 pm under Review Forums

Please see the comment below. Thanks!

5 responses so far

5 Responses to “JunoDagger’s Review Forum”

  1. JunoDaggeron 02 Jan 2010 at 11:18 am

    Well, not to sure what to type on this. But I’ll get my first draft up and running as soon as possible. My story doesn’t even have a title yet.

  2. junodaggeron 02 Jan 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Managed to get my first draft up and running. I need an idea on what I’m doing right and wrong, be pointed to the right direction. And don’t just say it’s crap, I already know that!

  3. junodaggeron 06 Jan 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Chapter 1

    Nighttime, The Blue Moon Club, Around midnight

    A huge crowd is gathering at the Blue Moon. The line is ridiculously long going out to the streetlight a block away, filled with mostly teenagers with fake IDs waiting anxiously to get in. At the front of the line is a very huge, very muscular man guarding a slightly more huge iron door and a skinny, scrawny teen boy that is a little scared by the bouncer’s appearance.

    Bouncer
    ID please.

    His deep monotone voice and emotionless face shows his lack of excitement for the job. The young man pulls out his ID, showing that he is old enough to go inside. He also sticks out his palm, which was empty but it did not appear so to the brute. He puts on sunglasses and the man sees the symbol for the Blue Moon, a B and an M fit inside a circle with blue lettering. The bouncer takes off his sunglasses and, with very little effort, he opens the cast iron door.

    Bouncer:
    Go ahead. Next!

    He yells out for the next person in as the young man goes through the door. Inside, the nightclub is covered in blue light with techno music is pulsating in the background. The young man notices right away that everything seems a bit off. The dress code in this club seemed to be… nonexistent. Two men were at the counter talking over drinks, one dressed in a business suit and tie while the other is dressed in black leather like a biker with blonde mullet and sunglasses. An older woman dressed like Marilyn Monroe was laughing with a man dressed in a Victorian outfit, complete with silk hat, dark cape and dark-wooded cane. At last the newcomer is stopped by a woman, who is dressed in the same style with dark, shoulder-length hair and a piercing on her lower lip. It appears that she is his date.

    Woman:
    There you are! And Here I thought I was being stood up.

    Young man:
    I’m sorry if I was late. It’s not my fault that the lines are so frickin’ long. But this place…it wasn’t what I expected.

    Woman:
    That’s why it’s so popular. Anybody can dress anyway want.

    Man:
    Oh really? *pictures her naked*

    Woman:
    Don’t even go there. Last time someone came in here naked, he got his ass kicked and thrown out into the street. But enough about that.

    His date wraps her arm around his arm and pulls him towards the bar.
    Man:
    Whoa! Slow down.

    Woman:
    Come on, they have drinks here that are guaranteed to knock your socks off.

    Suddenly, rapid gunshots from outside the cast iron door followed by screams from the patrons and the bouncer. The club goes silent, save for the music in the background, and everyone stares at the door, as if waiting for something to happen. There is a moment of eerie silence and extreme tension. Then someone starts banging on the door. On the third time, the giant steel door is violently thrown off its hinges and sent flying across the room. The young man grabs his date and ducks to avoid the flying chunk of metal. A young woman wearing coke-bottle glasses, a horrible looking moo-moo and carrying a dragon cane looks up from her drink.

    Young man:
    Get down!

    Young Woman in Horrible-Looking Moo-Moo:
    What the f— ACK!!!

    The iron door hits the wall, crushing the bad-taste-in-fashion girl with a sickening squish with blood spurting under the door. The young couple and others turned their attention to the doorway with horror on their faces, their only way out now blocked by a group of people. The oversized man, the bouncer, is lying on the concrete outside the door with multiple gunshots all over his body and a blood pool underneath his body. Five figures, three tall and two short, enter the club in black hooded sweatshirts and armed each with shotguns with a red hooded man with a semi-automatic machine gun. He appears to be the leader of the gun-toting group.

    Leader:
    KILL THEM ALL!!!!

    On cue, his followers ready their guns and fired their weapons onto the helpless crowd. Over the techno music, screams are heard as the vulnerable clubgoers try to outrun their dispatchers and being shot down mercilessly. A few of them try to fight back but the attempts ended in failure as they were obliterated by shotgun and machine gun fire.

    After the bloody carnage, the young man sees his date lying on the floor, possibly dead. He then sees the killers biting into their victims’ necks. Unable to move and reach for his cell phone, all he can do is watch in horror. Their leader, revealed as an older man with dark, matted hair and a scar on his face, joined in, grabbing a young woman and biting viciously into her neck.

    A loud gunshot is heard, followed by a speeding bullet that hit one of the male followers in the chest and, to their horror, see him writhing in pain. One of the girls yells out and comforts her boyfriend.

    Female:
    Robbie!

    The young man glances at the doorway where a woman stood, holding a handgun at the small group of killers. The woman has short red hair and blue eyes, wearing a hunter green jacket, a dark red shirt and faded denim jeans. She enters the club, gun still pointed at the wannabe killers. The leader laughs, wondering why a human would be so stupid as to approach them.

    The young followers now hiss at the woman, throwing their weapons to ground. Their eyes turn blood-red and fangs appear out of their mouths.

    Alexis:
    Oh? We’re not using guns now?

    The woman puts her gun in her holster and puts up her fists.

    Alexis:
    Okay, let’s make this a fair fight. Who wants to go first?

    The young man lets out a small gasp as Robbie’s girlfriend lunges at the redheaed woman with her fangs and claws extended, angry that this stupid woman hurt her boyfriend. The redhead quickly dodges her attack and gives the female vampire a swift punch in the stomach. Then the redhead kicks the vampire in the chin with her knee.

    Alexis:
    Seriously? Is that all you’ve got?

    Robbie’s girlfriend drops to the ground, knocked out cold. The other three vampires jump the redhead, thinking they have the better advantage in numbers. The girl jumps out of the doorway with her face covered. The vampires look down, see a bright flash and fall to the ground being blinded. The lead vampire loads his gun.

    Lead Vampire:
    I don’t know who you are, but you’ve disturbed my meal, you stupid girl.

    He aims his weapon at the woman.

    Lead Vampire:
    You’ve pissed me off. So I’ll take my anger out on you!

    He opens fire on the woman. The redhead ran towards the bar while avoiding the rapid gunfire, which hit the walls and shattered the glass windows. She ducks under the bar until he reloads his gun. Then she glances back up and fired several shots at the red-hooded vampire. He laughed as he simply dodged the bullets, as if they were is slow motion. But one of them hits his hand, his weapon dropping to the floor. The woman jumped over the bar and charged forward, sending a kick to his forehead. He fell to the ground, but quickly stood back up. He growled, growing irritated at this woman. With his functioning hand, he pulled out and flipped open a butterfly knife. He licks his blade before pointing it at the girl, imagining her blood on his blade and how sweet it would taste in his mouth. The woman appears bored, as if to say, “You’re kidding, right.”

    Alexis: (thinking)
    Bringing a knife to a gun fight. What an idiot.

    The man charged forward, lifting his knife in the air and attempted to run the knife through the woman. But she raises her leg and, in almost an instant, delivered another kick, this time to the chest, and he fell on his back. He quickly stood to his feet, feeling a bit winded, but fine. The kicks were like bee stings, an annoyance at best.

    Lead Vampire: (thinking)
    I’m not getting killed by some random bimbo! Every hit she’s made until now was just pure dumb luck. And I’m going to prove it. There’s no way she can evade this.

    He spun the knife in his hand and attacked her again, this time increasing his speed. The girl does. Barely. The blade was lodged in the wall, missing her head by inches. He is really angry and now humiliated. In a rage, he lunged at her in frenzy while she avoids the knife. She ducks from the knife and performs a leg sweep, knocking the vampire onto the floor. She stomped on his chest to keep him on the floor, causing him cough up blood. The serial killer on death row who traded his humanity for freedom was now at the mercy of a mortal woman with a Glock 9mm.

    Lead Vampire: (yells in frustration)
    What the hell?!

    It looks like she going to shoot him, but she puts her gun back in her holster.

    Alexis:
    What an idiot. I’ve hunted rabbits more dangerous and faster than you!

    Lead Vampire:
    Who are you?!

    Alexis:
    My name is Alexis Marshall. I hunt and kill vampires like you.

    The girl lifts her foot off the vampire’s chest and begins to walk out the door. He is surprised at this act of mercy.

    Lead Vampire:
    You’re not going to kill me?

    Alexis:
    Nope. By law, I can’t kill vampires under the truce in this city.

    Lead Vampire:
    Oh really?

    He uses this opportunity to stand up. His followers come to and surround the redhead, extremely angry and wanting to tear this woman to pieces.

    Alexis: (pointing behind him)
    You’re a bigger idiot than I thought. I can’t kill you guys, true. But that’s not going to stop them.

    Lead Vampire:
    What are you…?

    The man and his followers are confused. They see the crowd and their eyes are wide with fear. Those that survived the rain of gunfire earlier now stood up slowly from the floor and were now extremely angry. The young man and his date stand up, their eyes turning blood-red, their fingernails extending into sharp, black claws, and white fangs protruding out of their mouths. The evidence of their gunshot wounds was gone, as if the shooting never took place, Others stand up join in suit. The followers try to run out the door, but they find it blocked by the bouncer, who is in slowly standing up and mid transformation into a werewolf. He lets out a roar when he completes his transformation. The followers are scared shitless, screaming “Oh dear God!” “Holy Shit!” etc. The lead vampire lets out a scream.

    Lead Vampire:
    Oh god! Get away for me!

    The leader makes a run for his semi-automatic, but he tripped over a vampire’s foot. He looks up from the floor and sees three vampires standing over him. As he looks to his side he sees his followers being torn to shreds by numerous. The woman turns around to talk to the young fledgling and his followers one last time.

    Alexis:
    Oh, that’s right. There was something else I forgot to tell you. This is a private nightclub for vampires. You see, you’re not supposed to attack your own allies or their safe houses. It’s another one of their laws. Your master taught you nothing, did he? I would kill you, but this is the vampire’s territory. You have to face your punishment from them. (She glances at the crowd as she turns to leave.) And from how they look right now, it looks like it’s about to get ugly. Have a nice night.

    The crowd closes in on him. Alexis exits the club and out of the alley. She blends in with the crowd while the honking car horns, police sirens and loud car stereo music drowns out the fledgling and his brethren’s screams.

  4. B. Macon 06 Jan 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Are you writing a novel? (I ask because it’s formatted like a script or screenplay–that’s not a problem, but I don’t know anything about the selection process for plays and screenplays, so I can’t help you there).

    The first line of dialogue, “ID please,” could probably be more distinct. This is the first thing the audience actually hears, so I think it’s important to make it count.

    If the bouncer doesn’t actually matter, it might help just to start with the scene inside the nightclub.

    I’d recommend getting to the shooting a bit faster. Up until then, it doesn’t feel very urgent.

    I don’t feel it’s really clear what’s going on when Alexis enters.

    “You’ve pissed me off. So I’ll take my anger out on you!” I’d recommend having him SHOW his anger rather than saying he’s angry. Have him be a bit less explicit.

    “Alexis: (thinking)
    Bringing a knife to a gun fight. What an idiot.” I’m not very familiar with plays and/or screenwriting, but I’m not familiar with too many scripts that tell the character’s thoughts like this. Is this conventional?

    I feel like the dialogue needs more personality. Okay, she’s a superconfident fighter. I get that. What else does she have going on? What’s she like? I would recommend fleshing her out a bit more.

    It’s kind of awkward when she talks about the truce. Wouldn’t the vampire already know about the truce? Also, it feels a bit contrived that the vampire, of all the places to attack in the city, just randomly decides to hit a nightclub for vampires without realizing that they’re all vampires. Am I missing something?

  5. JunoDaggeron 08 Jan 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Like I said, it’s a still in progress draft. I’m considering a change in setting like her apartment, dealing with every day crap, bills, rent, the crabby landlady, her clients, bounties and the occasional vampire who comes out of nowhere and tries to kill her.

    However I will consider what you have said about this.

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