Jul 20 2009

Brainstormer’s Review Forum

Published by at 10:34 am under Review Forums

Please see the comments below.  Thanks!

16 responses so far

16 Responses to “Brainstormer’s Review Forum”

  1. BrainStormeron 27 Jul 2009 at 1:52 pm

    ok this is my first time to try writing a novel. Please don’t be harsh. This is just the first chapter so it is a bit lame at the beginning.

  2. BrainStormeron 27 Jul 2009 at 1:57 pm

    Chapter 1
    The Beginning

    “ Tink! Tink! ”, the radar screen goes. “What the?”, a soldier wondered. He got up, hurried to his superior’s office.
    – Soldier: “Sir, you got to see this”.
    – Superior officer after seeing the radar screen: “Hmm…It’s nothing soldier, it’s just a meteor, it will probably disintegrate into dust when it enters the atmosphere, besides it’s going to fall in the desert”.


    A young girl ,16 years old, was eating lunch alone in the school’s mess hall. Then a classmate approached saying “Karen”.
    – Karen: “Yes”.
    – Her classmate: “I really appreciated you coming to my father’s funeral……..I know it’s too late for it but I’m sorry I didn’t come to your father’s funeral, my condolences”.
    – Karen: “Thanks Samantha”.
    She sat at the table behind Karen. But a friend of hers quickly says, “What are you apologizing for? Your father died on service trying to clean the streets from the likes of her father”. Karen ignored the girl and continued eating.
    The girl continued, “Yes, he was shot during a mob’s war. The likes of him don’t deserve any sympathy. He…”
    “Enough!”, a Japanese classmate cried. “You went too far…You owe her an apology”.
    “Shut up! You damn Chinese”, her boyfriend said in a bullyish manner.
    – Hisagi: “First of all, I’m not Chinese. I’m Japanese. Second if you too don’t apologize I’ll…”
    “Tshuk!” a cartoon of milk was thrown at Hisagi.
    – Bully: “ha, you’ll what dumb…”
    “Tshuk!” Hisagi threw his at the bully.
    – Bully: “You son of a…”
    “Tshuk!” Karen threw hers at the bully.
    – Bully: “Ok that’s it. FOOD FIGHT!!!”


    – Karen: “That’s not fair principal Ryle. Peter Clark is the one who started it”.
    – Principal: “That’s not what I’ve heard, Karen”.
    – Karen: “But…”
    – Principal: “No buts, you are going to clean the mess hall after school and that’s it”.
    – Hisagi: “but sir, it’s called a mess hall. You said so yourself; so why should we be punished for making a mess”.
    – Principal: “Ok, Mr. Wise guy you are going to clean the kitchen too”.


    Donovan was just finishing his katana training. He then changed into his clothes and closed the door of the dojo behind him.


    “ Twotake! Twotake! Twotake! ”, the radar screen went. “Shit!”, the soldier shouted. He ran to his superior again.
    – Soldier: “Sir, the meteor is changing its course and it isn’t disintegrating”.
    – Superior officer: “What?!”
    He rushed to the radar screen, “Damn, it’s heading towards downtown”. He picks up the phone “operator, give me command control”.


    “Target locked…Fire!”
    “Ta Ta Ta Ta Ta” missile is approaching meteor on the radar screen “Ta Ta…Teeee”.
    – “Direct hit confirmed, sir”.
    – “Wait a second…What the?”
    The radar screen showed that it only broke into five smaller meteors.
    – “How come the meteor wasn’t blown to smithereens?”
    – “This means it’s of a much denser material than we imagined…Could you locate where are they going to fall”
    – “Sir, what do you mean we can still blow these things away”
    – “No, I want to examine it”
    – “yes sir…well four of them are going to fall in downtown and the other in the outskirts at the south east”
    -“Alright then send a jeep to that one and call the ambulance for the others”


    “Pass it! Pass it! Pass the ball!”, a twelve years old kid yelled. He gets the ball, nutmegs the defender in front of him. “Nuts”. It’s just him and the goalie. He shoots the air instead of the ball.
    – A kid: “What the hell was that Adam?!”
    “CRASHHHHH” the meteor crashed into the abandoned house a block away; that’s why he didn’t score the goal.
    – Adam: “Did you see that?”
    – The kid: “Let’s check it out”.
    – Adam: “But it crashed in that house”.
    – The kid: “so”.
    – Adam: “It’s haunted and everyone knows that”.
    – The kid: “Haha Adam is a chicken back bacak”
    – Adam: “No I’m not”.
    – The kid: “Then I dare you to go into that house”.
    – Adam: “Alright…then”.


    – Karen: “That’s not fair. We didn’t start it”.
    – Hisagi: “Don’t worry, we are almost done”.
    – Karen: “Hisagi, Thank you for standing up for me back there”.
    – Hisagi: “It was nothing. You don’t need to mention…” “CRASHHHHH”


    – Driver of the military jeep: “It should be around here somewhere”.
    – Superior officer: “ok, Quartz! You search over there and Jackson! You go over there and….”
    David Quartz looked left and right for that meteor. Finally, he reached a crater caused by the meteor’s impact. “I’ve found it”, he suddenly shouted, “Over here!”. David slid down the crater. He reached out with his hand to touch the meteor, but suddenly it glowed. He then felt an overwhelming power flowing through his body. He couldn’t stand it. He fell down unconscious.


    Donovan was walking home, when suddenly the kids that were playing with Adam came rushing towards him. “Mr., Mr. …Adam went inside this house about half an hour ago and hasn’t came out yet…Please sir, can you help him sir”.
    – Donovan: “Alright, you just stay here. I’m going in”.

    He rushed into the house. He searched for him everywhere. He kept yelling “Adam! Are you there?”, but no answer. He came across a hole in the floor. He looked down, and there he was. Adam was lying down unconscious on the floor of the basement beneath him. He ran quickly down stairs, held the kid in his arms. He checked his breathing and pulse. “Thank God he’s ok” he sighed. Donovan didn’t notice the meteor beside him and went upstairs. But as he was walking through the hallway with the kid in his arms, suddenly part of the ceiling collapsed. Donovan scrambled to avoid it. He then saw a meteor falling in front of him. It gave off the most brilliant glow. He then had this feeling of over whelming power flowing through his body. He was about to fall unconscious but he resisted. , Donovan thought. He took a step forward then another. In agony he fought pain and fatigue, fighting to reach that door. He finally reached his hand for the door knob, quickly opened the door and got out with Adam in his arms before the whole ceiling collapsed and he too collapsed unconscious on the door steps.

  3. BrainStormeron 27 Jul 2009 at 2:46 pm

    ok the missing part of [. , Donovan thought] was because I wrote it between brackets as a tag so here is the missing thought

    {“I must get to the door before the whole ceiling collapses”}, Donovan thought.*

  4. BrainStormeron 28 Jul 2009 at 2:04 am

    Chapter 2
    The True Beginning

    The front page of a newspaper with the date 4/18/2005 showed an article with the title
    “A miracle saves two teenagers from the explosion of the school kitchen’s fuel pipeline”
    Another article with the title “The Person of the Week: Donovan Ford, risks his own life to save a kid from a house wreck” was also shown.


    A newspaper was thrown on the door steps of a house having the date 1/7/2010. It showed an article with the title “6 US soldiers dead and 2 injured in another bombing”. A photo of David Quartz was shown while he was carrying a fellow soldier’s casket.


    “Happy Birthday to you!!! Happy Birthday to you!!! Happy Birthday dear Karen!!! Happy Birthday to you!!!”
    “Come on make a wish before blowing out the candles”, said Karen’s mother. Karen took a moment then blew out the candles. “Heyyyyy”, the people cheered and wished her a happy birthday.
    “Happy Birthday my sweetie, look at you, all grown up. How old are you now?” an old friendly looking man asked.
    – Karen: “21, Uncle Harry”.
    – Uncle Harry: “21 years! Oh time sure flies. I still remember when you were just a little baby”.


    Hisagi slide tackled the opponent’s striker and saved his collage team from a definite goal. The scores were still leveled (1-1). The midfielder passed a lousy ball. The opponent’s striker cut through the defense. He shot. Hisagi jumped and touched the ball with his fingertips. “GOAL” (1-2). The kickoff was played and then the referee’s whistle ended the first half of the match.


    Listening to his iPod and reading a comic was Adam while lying in his bed. His mom was calling upon him, but he couldn’t hear her. She barged into his room, yelling “Adam!! It’s a call for you”.
    “Sorry, mom I couldn’t hear you”, he apologized.
    “Ya, hello….ah hi Dave. What’s up?……What? Stay where you are, I’m coming right away”.
    – Mom: “Hey where are you going? Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes”.
    – Adam “Sorry mom, a friend in need…Byeeee”.


    Donovan ordered a cup of coffee at a crowded café. He looked at his right hand which is bandaged and it appeared that it had been recently wounded.
    “Here’s your coffee, sir”. He picked up the cup with his left hand and sipped from it. He looked in the direction of the TV. He found a program about the solar winds that were going to hit earth that day.


    “Fire!! Fire!!!!!”, a US commander shouted. “Damn we’re ambushed…..where’s reinforcement…. Quartz! You cover our right flank”.
    “Yes sir”, replied David Quartz. He ran while firing his machinegun. He took cover next to a fellow soldier, who shouted “we have to take the snipers out”. David replied,”Ok, I’ll cover you”. The soldier started to run. David stood up to provide covering fire, but suddenly the machine gun fell from his hand. He suddenly felt that all his muscles are completely relaxed. He quickly grabbed his machinegun from the ground. It broke in his hands.
    “Bang!” the soldier was shot down by the sniper.
    “NOOOO”, David rushed like a maniac to the soldier, ignoring the bullets flying around him. He carried the soldier on his back and rushed back to take cover.
    “You just hold in there. I’m going to get the medic, you just…” One of the militia appeared out of nowhere and opened fire “TatTat TatTat TatTat”. David’s uniform was full of holes but not a single drop of blood was spilled from him. He was standing to use himself as a human shield for the injured soldier. The militia couldn’t believe his eyes. He wanted to open fire again, but he was out of ammo. David yelled and ran towards him. He pulled the gun disarming the militia, and then punched him with all his might, breaking his skull and sending him flying fifteen feet away. The injured soldier couldn’t believe what just happened.


    Karen was washing her hands, suddenly she had that terrible headache.{”Ahh”}she held her head. It was as if going to explode. {”The cake tasted like crap”} {”I wish she likes the pair of shoes I brought her”}.
    {”What is going on?”}, Karen was confused.
    “What is it dear? Are you talking to me?” her mother asked.
    The headache was suddenly gone, “Nothing mom, it’s just a h…”. Her mother interrupted her by saying,”Lets open the presents now”. Karen responded, “Mom, I’m too old for this”.
    “Ok now this is my present for you, I hope you like it”.
    Karen opened the present. It was a pair of shoes.


    Hisagi was in the lockers room. He was blaming himself for the goal. If only he had jumped after taking a step forward. Suddenly, he flied to the other side of the room slamming onto the wall. “What the?” he was then slammed to the other side of the room. Then, he was flipped to the center of the room, his arms and legs were stretched pointing to the different corners of the room. He felt as if his limbs were about to get torn apart. “Thud!” he fell down to the floor. He stood up, now in control of his body. A team member entered the room: “What are you still doing here? The match is about to begin”.
    Hisagi rushed to the field, he took his position as the goalkeeper. The ball was intercepted immediately after the kickoff. Hisagi still couldn’t believe what just happened to him earlier. But he snapped out of it quickly, as the opponent’s striker had eluded the defense. He shot the ball at Hisagi’s far post. But he jumped and the ball swerved strangely into his hands.


    Adam was riding his motorcycle. He overtook the car in front of him. He then took a sharp turn to the left. He started to speed but suddenly felt his body temperature rising really high. His clothes were set on fire. He fell off his bike. The fire was put out now. But his screams from burning turned to screaming from being frozen to death. People in the street started to gather around him. “Are you ok there?” “Somebody dial 911” “What happened?”


    Donovan finished his cup of coffee. He wanted to put down the cup on the table but it suddenly shattered in his hand. He then found his hand changed shape as if it was of an old man’s.
    “Sir, what’s wrong with you?” the waiter was shocked.
    “I don’t know what is happening to me”, Donovan replied. “Ahh” he looked at his other hand, the bandaged one. He took off the bandage. He found no trace of the wound that he had. “I definitely have no idea what is going on”.

  5. BrainStormeron 28 Jul 2009 at 10:23 am

    Chapter 3

    It was a beautiful sunny day. The children in the neighborhood were playing outside. Hisagi was standing there in front of the house’s porch, enjoying the lovely weather. A Frisbee was thrown hard that it landed a few feet from him. He picked it up with his left hand; as he was a leftie. He threw it back to its owner (a kid), but it flew so high that it could no longer be seen. “Whaaaaaaa! I want my Frisbee…Dad…Dad”, the kid cries. Hisagi ran back inside and closed the door behind him. {”What have I done?”}, he thought. He looked from the window and found no one was coming after him. He sighed in relief. He went to the living room and sat on the couch. The TV was on. He found an opened bag of chips. He ate from it. He searched for the remote behind the pillows while watching the TV. He didn’t notice that it got attracted to his hand and switched the channel.


    Donovan was lying in bed. He was staring at the ceiling. He was thinking about what happened to him yesterday. He looked beside him to find a glass of water on the table. He got up and grabbed the glass of water. He stared at it and it smashed. He rushed to the basement and switched the lights on. He grabbed a piece of wood. He concentrated and it broke in his grip. He then picked up a PVC tube that he saw lying down there. He concentrated and it also broke. He then searched the cupboard for something {”Where is it… here it is”}.
    He found the pipe made of steal that he was looking for. He concentrated but it didn’t break, it was just rusting. He concentrated harder {”ehhhhh”} and it finally broke.
    His excitement was interrupted by his wife’s call: “Honey, could you please take out the trash?” . “Yes, dear”, he replied. He went to the kitchen to pick up the trash.
    “Ahh”, his wife cut herself while peeling a potato. “Give me your hand”, Donovan held her hand and it was healed. “Wow, you have healing abilities!!” his wife wondered.
    “No, I don’t think so”, he rubbed a crack on the wall with his right hand and it disappeared, “It’s more of material control”. He then added, “This morning while I was training, the katana felt as good as new and even harder”.


    Adam was sitting in class. It was that boring history class. The teacher was talking slowly and in a low tone, as if whispering. This made the temptation to sleep even worse. Adam couldn’t stand it any more. He looked at the clock that was hung on top of the door. Only 15 minutes had passed. He tapped on the book placed in front of him in boredom. He looked at the clock again. He couldn’t believe it. It was as if they were stuck in time. His feeling of boredom was interrupted by the smell of smoke. The book was burning.
    “FIREEEEEEEE”, everybody yelled. They all ran out of the class. Adam threw the book on the floor and put out the fire by stepping on it repeatedly.
    The teacher in a serious tone “Mr. Adam …”, but the water sprinklers interrupted him.


    After going to the Principal’s office and being forgiven after annoyingly whining and apologizing, Adam bought an ice-cream. He noticed a kid, holding an ice-cream cone that was dripping all over the floor, staring at him. “What are you looking at?” he asked.
    The kid replied, “How come your ice-cream didn’t melt like mine?”.
    He looked at his cone and it suddenly froze into solid ice. “Wow”, they both went.
    “Can you do it again?” the kid asked in excitement. He took the ice-cream cone and again it turned into solid ice. “Here you go” he gives it back to the kid. He licks it but his tongue got stuck to it because it was so cold. “Ha ha ha ha”, Adam laughed.
    “Please help me”, the kid asked him. “Ok”, he pulled it so hard, that he fell on his back. The ice-cream fell on him but it was molten hot. “Ahhhh”, Adam screamed.
    He went to the bathroom and washed his face. He murmured, “If what I’m thinking is correct, that would be cool”. He touched the water with his right hand and it turned into ice. He then touched it with his left hand, it boiled. He touched the water tap and it turned red from the heat. “Awesome!!!…it’s like I’m the Human Torch and Iceman at the same time”. A bully entered the bathroom: “What are you shouting about dummy?”
    “Nothing”, he got out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him and said with a grin on his face “Just don’t wash your hands”. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh”, the bully screamed.


    Karen was at the university campus in that moment. She was supposed to meet her friend, Tamika. She accidentally bumped into a colleague with her right shoulder.
    – Karen: I’m sorry.
    {”What a biatch!”}
    – Karen: “What did you just call me?”
    – Colleague: “Are you crazy or something. I didn’t say anything. Just watch where you re goin next time”.

    She then met her friend.
    – Karen: “What’s up Tamika?”
    – Tamika: “Guess what I won yesterday?”
    – Karen: “What? What?” she held Tamika’s hands in excitement.
    {”3 tickets to tonight’s concert”}
    – Tamika: “3 tickets to tonight’s concert”.
    Karen was excited and confused at the same time.


    It was midnight now here in Afghanistan. The sky was clear, not a single cloud. It was full moon tonight. A blockade was set up at the end of the road by the US army. David Quartz was letting a taxi pass after checking the driver’s id. A truck carrying vegetables was halted by Brad, a fellow soldier and a good friend of David. Brad checked the driver’s id and then asked for the papers concerning the cargo. The driver made as if he was going to get the papers but hit the gas wanting to break through the blockade. David was still in the truck’s way.
    – Brad: “David! LOOK OUT!!!!!”
    All soldiers started to open fire at the truck. David tried to get out of the way but the truck’s edge hit him. The truck turned over David’s head missing it by inches. The soldiers ceased fire then.
    – Brad: “Are you alright?”
    David just nods. He didn’t comprehend that his body turned over the truck instead of being crushed.
    – Brad: “Man you re lucky that the tires were shot and the truck flipped right over you”.
    He thought that what had just happened.


    It was still an hour before the concert would start. Karen was looking for Tamika. She told her to meet up in front of the theatre.
    – Tamika: “Hey Karen over here”.
    Karen finally met up with her friend Tamika.
    – Tamika: “I’d like you to meet George”.
    He shook her hand and said “hi”.
    {”I though she was black”}
    Karen was puzzled; it was as if she was the only one who had heard that.
    – George: “Tamika kept telling me about you”.
    Karen awkwardly smiled.
    She was suddenly pushed by a suspicious looking man who bumped into her.
    {”That guy over there seems to have a lot of cash”}
    George held Karen before falling down.
    – George: “Watch where you re going you fool!”
    The man kept walking as if nothing had happened.
    {”oh my god somebody stop that thief”} Karen thought.
    – George: “what?”
    The thug approached that guy and threatened him with a knife in a way no one around them would notice.
    – George: “HEY YOU!”
    The thug was scared and ran away quickly without stealing anything.
    – George turned towards Karen saying: “How did you know?”

  6. B. Macon 28 Jul 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Hey, BrainStormer. I’m dealing with job stuff at the moment, but I’d like to get to these chapters tomorrow. Please leave a note on my forum if I haven’t.

  7. BrainStormeron 28 Jul 2009 at 2:45 pm

    certainly, but plz don’t abbreviate my name as it sounds weird.

  8. B. Macon 28 Jul 2009 at 2:51 pm

    Okay. I’ve replaced the abbreviation above.

  9. CarsonArtiston 30 Jul 2009 at 4:00 pm

    Hi Brainstormer!

    I just read your chapters. I will wait till B. Mac adds his .02 but I feel like your story is a little dry in places but not bad overall. It took me a few to get the hang of the pacing because you jump from one group of people or scene to the next quite often. I did notice that there was some repetitive language here and there. You used “he then” did this or that twice in a row in chapter 1 I believe. I think you should expand the descriptive aspects surrounding the main characters in each scene since its hard to tell who is important and who isnt.

    Hopefully Bmac can give you a hand soon but I thought I would try and help 🙂

    Im writing my first story also so I understand the difficulty.

    Cya later-

  10. BrainStormeron 30 Jul 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Thanks a lot CarsonArtist.

    Well I also have language problems. English is not my first language. I’m Egyptian.
    So basically I just want to explain it to someone to write it for me as a script for an animated series. I’m more concerned about the events and plot rather than the writing part. In future chapters there will only be 3 or 2 characters.

    Again thanks Carson.

  11. CarsonArtiston 30 Jul 2009 at 4:57 pm

    OOOOO I didnt realize what you were trying to accomplish. I didnt realize english was your second language. It makes a lot more sense as a cartoon series…..

    in fact , now I think its much more suitable in the pacing. 🙂

  12. BrainStormeron 30 Jul 2009 at 5:09 pm

    Should I continue posting the chapters? I wrote till Chapter 10. I intend to make it over 20. There will also be two mini prequels then a sequel.
    Or should I just tell the main plot?
    I just want to know if the story is okay to be an animated series.

  13. B. Macon 30 Jul 2009 at 9:41 pm

    –It might be easier for you to get published in Arabic than in English. Your grasp of English is pretty good but I think that fluency issues will present significant problems with an English-language publisher.

    –Your novel is formatted like a transcript. Usually, it’s smoother and more conventional to try something like ” ‘Sir, you’ve got to see this,’ the soldier said” than “Soldier: ‘Sir, you’ve got to see this.’ ” For one thing, it’s harder to work scenery and atmospherics and body language into a transcript. If you are really interested in writing in a transcript style, I’d recommend looking at comic books rather than novels.

    –The title of the first chapter is not very interesting. What’s going on in this beginning? Why will readers want to read this chapter?

    –I would recommend overhauling the first sentence.

    –There are some fairly serious punctuation issues.

    –Inconsistent tensing? “A friend of hers quickly says” is in the present tense but most of the rest of the passage is in past tense. (Past tense is conventional for English-language novels).

    –I found it hard to follow what was going on in the Karen-Samantha-Hisagi-bully conversation. Karen appears to be the main character but, in my opinion, she doesn’t do or say much that helps develop her in an interesting way.

    –I would recommend cutting down on the onomatopoeia. For example, “Twotake! Twotake! Twotake!”, the radar screen went” strikes me as a bit goofy. I’d recommend replacing that with something like “The radar screen beeped repeatedly.”

    –I do not recommend changing point of view mid-chapter.

    –“Ta Ta Ta Ta Ta” missile is approaching meteor on the radar screen “Ta Ta…Teeee”.

    –There are a lot of characters floating around. I would recommend pulling a few of these characters out (maybe introducing them later) so that you have more time to develop your lead character(s) early.

    –I would recommend taking some more time to develop the most important character(s) before the meteor hits.

  14. BrainStormeron 31 Jul 2009 at 4:18 am

    Thanks B. Mac and I will take into consideration every point you mentioned.
    I also have a silly question: Is there a place where you can explain the stroy of an animated series to a writer or a company and let them have the idea for themselves?
    One of my dreams is just to watch a cartoon or an anime about my story.

  15. B. Macon 31 Jul 2009 at 10:39 am

    Not that I know of. For one thing, TV companies have their own writers, who generally come up with their own ideas. Also, the concepts here strike me as kind of bland so far. A meteor falls to Earth and gives several people superpowers. That’s a workable premise, but I think what’s missing here is execution. We need to see something about these characters that makes it more interesting than a similar story like Static Shock. (Well, Static Shock used a chemical accident rather than a meteor, but the effects on the story are mostly similar).

    If another writer wanted to work with your ideas–something that would be quite difficult under the best of circumstances, I think– I suspect it’d be because there was something about your characters really made the concept sizzle. For example, relationships, personality, notable character traits, voice, maybe some unexpected backgrounds, etc.

    Umm, I hate to use my writing as an example, but a few guests (including you!) have written scenes for Agent Orange and Agent Black on my forum. I think that a few people have done fan-fiction for them because their relationship is well-established and funny. Also, I think Agent Orange’s voice is distinct enough that it lets authors try things that won’t work for most characters.

  16. BrainStormeron 01 Aug 2009 at 2:07 pm

    But the problem is that the characters’ background stories are too depressing. That’s why I decided to let them be in the middle of the story and not at the beginning. I mean Donovan lost his daughter. Quartz killed a child by mistake at war. Karen lost her father who was a mobster.

    Also, I wanted to get to the important parts like: encounters with an organization, that has a long history with these powers, called the cult. Karen joining CIA. Donovan joining the cult. Hisagi being a double agent for NN which is a secret organization that controls the world. Other meteors falling. The long prophecy explaining how the end of humanity is linked to these powers. How in the end at doomsday 2012 the characters are there for the final showdown and we fully understand what the prophecy really meant.
    I intended to let their background stories, emotions and beliefs be revealed during these events. I was trying to do what LOST did. They started with the plane has just crashed and then we got to know the characters through flashbacks.
    I also have a problem which is the characters don’t know each other until certain events get them to. So I can’t have the characters interacting with each other like what LOST did.

    So what do you think B. Mac, Should I reorder the story or add things at the beginning? If you could give me specific things to adjust that would be wonderful.

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