Jun 11 2009

Shard Reaper’s Review Forum

Published by at 7:48 am under Review Forums

Please see the comments below.  Thanks!

37 responses so far

37 Responses to “Shard Reaper’s Review Forum”

  1. ShardReaperon 03 Jan 2010 at 6:22 pm

    So B. Mac, or anyone, were you going to comment on chapter 2?

  2. B. Macon 03 Jan 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Okay, I’ll get on chapter 2 right away. I figure that’ll take me an hour or so.

  3. B. Macon 03 Jan 2010 at 9:30 pm

    By my count, this chapter is about 4000 words long. Personally, I’d recommend a bit south of 2000.

    “Yeah Derek, he’s dead.” When a line is addressed to a character’s name, the name should be separated on both sides by punctuation marks. In this case, it’d probably be a bit smoother to do “Yeah, Derek. He’s dead.”

    “After about what might have been the eighth time Alan snapped his finger, Jake’s eyes fluttered…” This could probably be shortened to something like “Alan snapped his fingers an eighth time and Jake’s eyes fluttered…”

    I’m not sure what’s up with Jake in the first page. The first thing that came to mind when Alan was snapping his fingers repeatedly is that Jake had passed out. (Also, someone had asked whether he died, which suggests that he wasn’t conscious). But I don’t think that’s what you’re actually trying to suggest. Was he just sort of daydreaming? If so, I think you could show that more clearly.

    So he’s probably daydreaming or something. What are you trying to show us about Jake? Inattentiveness?

    “First things first,” Karnak said, “what can you do?” I’m not sure this fits Karnak’s voice. It sounds a bit too direct. Also, too human. 🙂

    “Jake looked at Karnak quizzically.” Instead of using the phrase “looked… quizzically,” I’d recommend using a synonym for looked that suggests quizzicality. Maybe “stared” or “peered.”
    Karnak’s ability to heal pretty much anything could present some writing problems down the road. How can you threaten him if he can recover from anything? And how can you make his fights interesting if you can’t threaten him?
    It’s sort of a lot of characters and callsigns/second names so far. Particularly with Alan and Derek, do we need both names or can they be introduced as Bullet and Energizer? Also, if Jake’s ability allows him to control electricity, people may confuse him with Energizer later on.
    “People call me…” sounds a bit corny. It might be more professional-sounding if he said something like “my call-sign is…” because they sort of are special forces guys so they’d probably have call-signs.

    I like that Derek calls the police assistance “city scrubbing.” Very evocative.

    “Karnak reassured as Derek went on a tangent…” I don’t think that what Derek is saying is actually a tangent. In any case, I’d recommend cutting the “Karnak reassured” tag entirely.

    The characters do a lot of groaning instead of talking.

    Karnak’s voice flattened out a lot this chapter. I’d recommend reading through chapter one and chapter 2 again because it was more distinct and lively there.

    “A symphony of explosions” is pretty tacky but I like it.

    “All ten of them stood in a single file line and held rocket launchers and assault rifles.” Using a single-file line hasn’t been competent since the Civil War (1861-65). I’d recommend having them spread out after the shots start, particularly if there are explosives.

    Also, I’d let this slide because it’s a possibly dystopian sci-fi, but why would the police have rocket launchers? 🙂

    “And we’re here to take those weapons you stole back to the police! So hand them over!”
    “Or what?” the gangster barked.
    This exchange could be more stylish. Give Alan some more personality!

    “ Karnak rolled his eyes at the rookie’s obliviousness. “You are our primary mission. Saving the city is just an afterthought.” I like this. What’s so special about Jake, though?

    “Well it isn’t for me,” Jake fumed. “This is my home! I grew up here, and I’ll do everything I can to make this city the way it used to be.” I’d recommend making this more personalized. It feels like he’s declaring his emotions too directly, essentially saying “I’m in conflict with you because I care about this town!” I would recommend having him show his attachment/fondness for the city and his humanitarian side. Then I think that this would be a bit more believable.

    “This must be one of their hideouts,” Derek said aloud. I think that the word “aloud” is redundant here and could probably be removed.

    “the vehicles looking like someone went to a junkyard, grabbed whatever they could and fused it onto the cars.” Show us some details! What do the cars look like?

    I sort of lost you with the gadget words. Techpack and Hero mainframe. At the risk of revealing my technological ineptitude, I don’t know what a mainframe is. Or what a techpack does. Also, instead of uploading “the Hero tech onto this computer,” I think maybe “the Hero software” would make more sense. Maybe—like I said, I’m not much of a tech guy unless it involves HTML.

    I like that Alan and Derek are fighting over trivial stuff (Jake’s new name) as Jake has his eyes on the plot-important stuff. Haha.

    “I mean, you’re always going on about how teleporting is a real power and how you carry our team.” This is funny, but I think that it could probably be rephrased to fit Karnak’s voice better.

    I think that the origin stuff (“You know, your story. Who are you, where you come from?”) could probably be integrated more smoothly into the plot. Like when he finds out he’s going to go sewer-diving, he might say something disgustedly like “Dammit, I should have stayed in Oregon”). Right now, it feels sort of like an infodump.

    I like Kilowatt. Megawatt and Gigawatt were already taken? 🙂

    I’d recommend drawing out the teleportation sequence a bit. Give us a sentence showing how it feels, maybe? This is sort of an extraordinary element, so I think it’d be worthwhile to explain it a bit.

    Who is the team accountable to?

    I think that the team is getting along maybe a bit too well at this point. Derek is awfully quick to give the credit to Jake. I think it might help if someone here had some vaguely-plausible grievance against Jake. (Maybe one of Jake’s personality flaws, etc).

    “Rescue hostages, protect politicians, blow things up. And that’s just during your first hour.” I like the concept here, but the second sentence could probably be more stylish. What would you think about something like “It usually calms down around lunchtime, though”?

    Unlocking generators –> unlocking new powers feels too much like a video game. I don’t have a problem with him gaining powers over time, but I think it would be smoother if he gained them through weeks of practice rather than through these plot coupons (the generators). Does that make sense?

    I think it’s amusing that they all want such different colors. One suggestion. If you ever make this into a comic book, don’t actually give them those colors. Not even Tim Tebow can make orange-and-blue look good.

    When the point-of-view switches to Knox & Drew, I’d recommend a new chapter.

    Okay, so Knox and Drew are Berserkers, right? Knox and Drew are two names that strike me as kind of white-collar. It might help to give them something a bit more rough around the edges.

    “Report.” a raspy voice ordered. The period after report should be a comma.

    “some Spec Ops guys that came and kicked our asses.” So he’s describing this to his boss, right? I imagine he’d probably want to cast this in a somewhat more positive light so that he doesn’t get his ass whipped off. (Not surprisingly, they both get savaged anyway. Good help is so hard to find).

    “failure was not tolerated.” Could you show this?

    “Cole would finally have his revenge” – I think that it’s missing a period at the end.
    “so I can tear off that scaly head of yours.” Interesting phrasing choice here: “that scaly head of yours” instead of “your scaly head.” I approve! Your phrasing sounds a lot more rough around the edges.

  4. ShardReaperon 03 Jan 2010 at 10:48 pm

    Thanks. I’ve made a few changes, and here’s what I’ve come up with.

    II: TIME FOR TRAINING

    “Hey, kid,” Derek tapped him on the shoulder. “You still with us? Ya blanked out there.”
    “Sorry, got distracted. What did you guys say?”
    “Karnak said he wants to see what you can do,” Derek answered.
    “What I can do?” Jake raised an eyebrow.
    “Just what your powers are, what level you’re at so far, stuff like that.”
    Alan and Derek backed away as Karnak came to stand beside him.
    “Before we get started, I need to ask,” Karnak said, “what are your abilities?”
    “Well,” Jake answered, “I’m pretty agile, I can stick to walls, and I control electricity.”
    “Prove it. Fire off a few bursts of lightning.”
    Jake raised his left hand, conjuring up a blue ball of electricity. Aiming at the sky, he fired off three shots.
    “Good, good. Now I want you fire a bolt at me.”
    Jake peered at him quizzically. “Seriously?”
    “Just do it,” Karnak answered gently.
    Behind them, Derek and Alan grinned.
    “Two bucks says Karnak collapses to floor and the kid freaks out.” Alan whispered.
    “How long you give Karnak?” Derek asked.
    “Ten seconds, tops.”
    “I’ll take that action.”
    Jake took a few steps to the side and fired a beam of lightning at Karnak. The lightning surged through the alien’s body, lighting him up like a Christmas tree. Jake stopped the beam and for a while Karnak stood there, arms spread out, eyes wide, before he fell and landed on his back. For a while, all was quiet. Jake watched Karnak’s still body, while Derek and Alan grinned from the sidelines. A cough erupted from Karnak, who hacked and wheezed as he struggled to get back up.
    “Never doing that again,” Karnak wheezed.
    “What the hell?” Jake cried. “How did you–”
    “Cellular regeneration,” Karnak answered. “Lets me heal from just about anything.”
    “And the best part is, he can always be the designated driver,” Derek joked.
    Jake turned to the two brothers. “What can you guys do?”
    Alan walked over to Jake and pointed at a bird perched on a telephone line by the street. “See that bird? I’m gonna fire one shot, with my eyes closed, and that bird will be frozen in place.”
    Jake chuckled. “You’re kidding, right? How am I even gonna know if your eyes are closed?”
    Alan took off his goggles and ski mask, handing them to Derek. His face had a medium sized red-orange blot on the top left side, covering his gold eyes and scars went from his ears all the way down to his goatee. Giving one final look to the bird that was still on the telephone line, he took out a gun and closed his eyes. The bullet erupted from the gun, traveling all the way from the gun to the bird, freezing it from the inside out.
    “Happy?” Alan turned to Jake.
    “So, you can hit anything? No matter how far away it is?”
    “That’s what I’ve been doing,” Alan said as he began to put his things back on. “People call me Bullet. Karnak is Arsenal.”
    “What about you, Derek?” Jake asked.
    Derek simply held his hands out, creating two flaming orbs. “My codename is Orb. You know, because orbs come out of my hands.”
    “Man, that was stupid.” Jake blurted after a short silence.
    “I told you. I told you that was stupid.” Alan groaned.
    “Whatever,” Derek rolled his eyes. “Can we get something to eat now? Like Crazy Monkey?”
    “Fine, we’ll go to Crazy Monkey.” Karnak sighed.
    Derek held his arms out, and the four of them were sitting at a table in front of a bartender that was cleaning glasses. Up above them was a large wide screen TV with footage of several dead bodies lying around a flaming truck with the headline “BREAKING NEWS: THE BERZERKERS STRIKE AGAIN.” The scene then cut to a middle-aged female reporter with the picture in a small box on the top left.
    “This is Cynthia Newman on FCN. We’re here at the remains of the encounter where the infamous gang known as the Berzerkers made off with a shipment of weapons intended for the police and are currently evading all available police forces. We’ll have more on this story as it develops.”
    “Who are the Berzerkers?” Jake asked as he chewed on a hamburger.
    Derek raised an eyebrow, then looked at where Jake pointed his finger. “They’re just some gang that goes around raising hell every once in a while.”
    “Just some gang? They’ve got a cache of police weapons.” Jake snapped.
    “The police can take care of it. Point is, those chumps aren’t our problem,” Derek shrugged.
    “I wanted to ask,” Alan interrupted, “why are we here? Other than watching a car fly eighty feet in the air and explode.”
    Karnak put down his glass of water and clear his throat. “We’re setting shop in Freedom City for two reasons. One, to teach him,” he pointed at Jake, “how to properly use his powers. And two, to provide some… assistance to the city’s police force.”
    “Ugh, city scrubbing again?!” Derek shouted.
    “It’s only temporary,” Karnak said as Derek began to rant, “The only other thing we’re required to do is teach Beckett about his powers, then we move on to another assignment.”
    “But I hate scrubbing! Especially after last time with those Ferals.”
    “There’s more to it, isn’t there?” Alan stared at Karnak. “Why we’re here on Earth?”
    “Well…”
    Outside, police sirens blared in the distance. There were sounds of distant gunfire and explosions before a police car crashed into the bar, sending glass, wood, and steel into the path of passerbys, creating smoke throughout the bar. Behind the rubble, two vans flew by, followed by four other police cars, all with sirens echoing through the city.
    “So,” Jake coughed as the smoke began to fade, “are these chumps our problem now?”
    “Fine, let’s get this over with,” Derek groaned. “Sooner the better.”
    “We don’t even know where they’re going. They could be heading anywhere.” Alan emphasized.
    “So then we’ll just follow the chaos.” Karnak narrowed his eyes. “Let’s go.”
    The four ran out the car-shaped hole in the bar and headed around the corner to an empty alley, where Derek teleported the four to the roof. Karnak jumped in the air, hovering slightly as jets streamed from the soles of his feet before flying forward; Alan fired a beam of ice at his feet and slid down it while Derek stood behind him, watching as the ice continued to form a slide; and Jake ran behind the two, flipping and jumping over gaps with barely an effort. Karnak kept his eyes to the street, watching the two vans filled with gang members fire at the oncoming police cars, dispatching them easily. Soon after, the vans stopped at an abandoned garage, the wheels stopping in front of the door.
    “There!” Karnak pointed down at the vans.
    Alan ceased the ice slide as Derek grabbed his hand and teleported to the ground in front of the vans as Karnak and Jake landed beside them.
    “Just make them leave the trucks,” Karnak ordered. “No need for excessive violence.”
    “Leave it to me,” Derek said, forming two flaming orbs and throwing them at the truck. A second later, the Berzerkers ran away from the trucks as they flipped in the air in a symphony of explosions.
    “Heh, oops,” Derek avoided the glare of the others. “At least we got them away from the trucks.”
    None of them noticed that the gang members began to aim their rocket launchers and assault rifles.
    “Hey!” one of them yelled. “Who the hell are you?”
    The four turned toward the gangsters with a dull look.
    “Us?” Derek cried. “We’re– say,” he whispered to the others, “Who are we?”
    “Who cares?” Alan hissed. “Just say something!”
    Derek turned back to the gangsters. “We’re, uh, Spec Ops. Yeah, that’s right! We’re Spec Ops! So give us the guns, and, uh, we won’t have to mail your asses back to ya!”
    “Is that a threat?” the gangster barked.
    “Nope!” Alan yelled. “It’s a promise!” Reaching behind his back, he took out a pair of guns and started firing. The gangsters spread out, firing at their adversaries while running for cover behind the destroyed trucks. Karnak morphed his hands into a grenade launcher, firing a grenade at two gangsters that ran toward them. The grenade hit the concrete between them, sending them flying into the garage door. Jake ran ahead and leaped into the air, firing lightning at the gangsters below.
    “I think that’s all of them,” Alan said.
    “Great. Abandoned a perfectly good pair of ribs to take down a bunch of thugs in less than ten minutes. Highlight of my day,” Derek watched the gangsters flee, firing off a few miniature orbs by their feet for good measure.

    “Who cares? We stopped those criminals from hurting people. Isn’t that what you guys do?” Jake raised an eyebrow. “Help people?”
    Karnak rolled his eyes at the rookie’s obliviousness. “We do help people. You just happen to be the first person we’ll help.”
    “And everyone else is just collateral?” Jake asked.
    “No,” Karnak hissed, meeting Jake face to face. “They’re not packing enough energy to power half a city in their body. You care about this city, I understand, but if you want to save it, then you need to be in complete control of your abilities. You should see what happens to those who don’t have control,” Karnak said as he backed away.
    “Hey guys,” Alan cried, “Come here.”
    The others looked at Alan, who had opened the garage door and was now examining the inside. Several computers and vehicles were scattered around, the vehicles looking like someone went to a junkyard, grabbed whatever they could and fused it onto the cars. Scrap metal was sloppily fused onto the hood and trunk, doors had several dents in them, and the windshields were stained with blood.
    “This must be one of their hideouts,” Derek said.
    “Really? What gave it away, the cars with their symbol on it?” Alan rolled his eyes.
    Jake went to one of the computers and examined it. On the screen was a top-down picture of tubes and circles with the words “Freedom City Blueprints” in the top right corner. All around the screen were notes like “Manhole in Chang Tao’s Kitchen. Rough up Tao, get access to kitchen” and “Freedom Tower: FIND WAY TO GET THERE UNDETECTED.”
    “How’d these guys get blueprints of the city?” Alan asked.
    “Does it matter?” Karnak answered. “These computers have all information on the Berzerkers weapon shipments and their communication channels.”
    “And if they think we torched this place,” Jake finished, “then that means they won’t be back and we’ll be free to use this tech to take them out.”
    Karnak nodded and kneeled on the ground, closing his eyes. With a pained groan, his chest began to shake and expand. Two long blades protruded from each of his arms, stumbling as they crawled out from his flesh. Shortly after, Karnak threw his head back as a disgusting tearing sound erupted from his back, revealing a black box with six red lights. Karnak, his face sweaty, got up from the floor, attached the blades to the box, and put it on the keyboard.
    “What’s it doing?” Jake asked.
    “The backpack’s uploading the Hero tech onto this computer.” Alan explained.
    “And it’s doing that… why?”
    “Gives us access to the Hero software. If we want communications, weapon drop, some new tech, we’ll get it pretty quickly.”
    “Thirty minutes or it’s free,” Derek grinned.
    After a few minutes Karnak grabbed his backpack and jammed the blades into his chest, wincing as it rearranged itself. The computer screen flashed before showing a digitized face of a man, from what Jake could tell.
    “I take it you have found a temporary base of operations?” the man asked.
    “That is correct, Tenzen.” Karnak replied.
    “Very well then. Thanks for keeping us updated, is there anything else?”
    “Not for the moment. We’ll contact you when we have significant intel.”
    “Alright then. Flashback out.” Tenzen’s face warped off the screen.
    “Arsenal, Bullet, Orb. The names you guys come up with sound so good,” Jake chuckled.
    “Don’t laugh, kid. You get one too.” Alan set his backpack on the ground.
    Jake’s face paled. He had thought that the names were more for pleasure than business.
    “I’m thinking… Sparky or Jumpstart,” Derek grinned.
    “I’m thinking… neither,” Alan remarked.
    “What’s wrong with mine?”
    “You mean other than the fact that they’re stupid?”
    While the two brothers argued, Jake walked over to Karnak, who was standing at the computer, his fingers typing swiftly on the keys.
    “What are you looking at?” Jake asked.
    “The city’s power grid.” Karnak answered without taking his eyes off the computer.
    “What for?”
    “A few weeks ago, the Berzerkers caused a massive power outage across the city.”
    “But the bar we went to wasn’t powered down at all.” Jake raised an eyebrow.
    “The city’s running on reserve power and they’re almost running out. So, I want you to power up one of the generators. If we provide more power to the city, then our time here will be considerably shorter.” Karnak pointed to a green blip on the map.
    “The first generator is under Zen’s Theater, about ten minutes from here. Get going.”
    “Shouldn’t I have a partner with me? You know, in case those guys come after my ass?”
    Karnak rolled his eyes. “Derek,” he yelled, “go with the rookie to the sewer and bring him back alive.”
    “Do I have to?” Derek complained as he teleported beside Jake.
    “Derek,” Karnak put on his best grin, “Showing rookies how it’s done is all part of being a good leader. I mean, you are always going on about how teleporting is a real power and how you’re essential to this team. Oh well, guess I was wrong about recommending you.”
    “Hey, did I say I didn’t want to?” Derek put an arm around Jake and flashed a smile. “What I meant to say was that the rookie will finally get to see a real hero in action! Come on kid, let’s go!”
    “Wait! Take these,” Karnak handed them two headsets. “So we can keep in radio contact with you. I’ll use this computer to track your whereabouts and to provide whatever information I get.”
    Derek nodded and the two of them teleported out of the garage.

    Teleporting was not as cool as Derek thought it was. This was the third time Jake had teleported, and he could feel the food he ate at the bar threatening to come up to his mouth. More than anything, it was probably the bubble that consumed him and Derek; whenever it began to fade, Jake felt like the bubble was punching him in the stomach. Ultimately, his stomach chickened out, causing him to cough up the food he ate a few hours ago.
    “Don’t worry,” Derek held him by the shoulders. “You’ll feel better after a few more times.”
    “You better hope so,” Jake coughed. “If I don’t, I’m puking on your shoes.” He looked at the boarded-up theater.
    “And the generator’s down below? In the sewer?” Derek shot him a nervous look.
    “Yeah. Are you worried or something?”
    “Well… I heard this rumor that Freedom City has giant crocodile, dog, things in their sewers that swallowed anyone who went down there whole and delivered their victims’ skulls back up topside to their families… and then eat the family!”
    Jake opened up the manhole covering the entrance. “That’s just a little urban myth,” Jake said as he proceeded to head down. “‘Sides, everyone who tells that tale knows that they deliver the skull and the spine to the families.”
    Derek glared at Jake’s amused grin as he stepped down the ladder. “That’s not funny, kid.”
    “I thought it was funny.” Jake chuckled as he stepped off the ladder.
    “It’s way too dark in here. Can you light the place up?,” Derek complained as he stood beside Jake.
    Jake clapped his hands together and closed his eyes. For a moment, there was silence; when he opened his eyes again, electricity was covering both of his arms in a vibrant blue.
    “Sweet,” Jake muttered to himself.
    “Karnak,” Derek tapped the button on his headset. “We’re in the sewer. This place got anything we need to know about?”
    “Not that I’m detecting,” Karnak’s static voice replied. “The generator should be at the end of the tunnel. Power it up and get out of there.”
    Derek let go of the button on the headset and examined the sewer. Aside from what might have been the largest amount of waist raw sewage he’d ever seen, there were several pipes and platforms that he could see. Jake had already leaped to one of them, his fingers sticking to the cold metal as if he were a spider. As Jake lept to the platform across from him, Derek teleported onto the pipe, his hands trying their hardest not to slip off.
    “Careful,” Jake chuckled, “wouldn’t want to fall.”
    “Why?” Derek asked as Jake teleported next to him on the platform, “Something in the water I should know?”
    “Just saying that maybe I wasn’t kidding about those alligators,” Jake said as he dove for another pipe.
    “Funny. So, you grew up here?”
    “Yeah, born and raised here most of my life. After my parents died during the Storm, I had to live with my aunt and uncle in Oregon for a few years. And when I got old enough to put some cash in my pocket, I came back.”
    “Why?” Derek grabbd the pipe next to Jake. “No offense, but this place definetely doesn’t seem like it’d make the list for best places to live.”
    “Just felt like I had to. Like something was calling to me.” Jake grabbed a small ledge. “What about you?”
    “Well,” Derek cleared his throat as he teleported to another platform, “I grew up as a young, handsome son of a wealthy tycoon on the planet–”
    “No seriously,” Jake cut in, “what’s your story?”
    Derek sighed. “I grew up in the Big Apple with Al, my parents, and my sister and brother. Things were pretty simple: try out something, find what you’re good at, and stick with it. At least it was with my siblings.”
    “What happened?” Jake asked.
    “When you grow up with three other siblings… it’s hard to find your own identity. Lauren was the sporty achiever that every guy wanted, Isaac was the artsy type, and Alan was the selfless one, always putting his neck on the line. I was just there… a kid who didn’t meet everyone’s expectations.”
    “Well,” Jake grabbed Derek’s hand as he held onto a ledge, “what did you want to do?”
    “I wanted to make movies,” Derek’s child-like smile faded as quickly as it appeared. “But I couldn’t do that either.”
    “How’d you get that arm?” Jake pointed at the grey robotic arm.
    “Hey,” Derek chuckled after an awkward silence, “I forgot to tell you your new name.”
    “Lemme guess,” Jake said, “Jolt? Sparky?”
    “Nope. Your name’s Kilowatt.”
    That actually isn’t so bad, Jake thought as he landed beside Derek.
    “Okay, we’re in front of the generator,” Jake tapped his headset. “Now what?”
    “Rip the console board. You should see two wires,” Karnak instructed.
    “Yeah, I see them,” Jake watched Derek kick the board into the water. “Now what?”
    “Grab both wires and give them a surge of electricity. Nothing big, though.”
    Jake shut his eyes and let the electricity wrapping his arms course through the wires. The generator started to whir; the lights on it began to flicker and sparks shot out from the wires.
    “That did it,” Karnak said. “The grid’s showing a steady power fluctuation in the north part of the city. Nice work. Head back to the garage.”
    Jake dropped the wires, letting some of the sparks levitate toward his fingertips. Shaking his head, he grabbed Derek’s shoulder as they teleported back to the garage.

    “Nice job, guys,” Alan greeted as Derek and Jake teleported into the garage.
    “Couldn’t have done it without the kid,” Derek said. “He was a little scared at first, but I helped him get over it.”
    Jake smiled weakly, his vision blurred. As he landed on the ground with a thud, he saw nothing but white. There was a flash and he saw a man running on a telephone wire. Gunfire came from both sides, but the man didn’t seem to notice or care. Raising his hands, the man leaped off the wire and threw a ball of electricity at his attackers, landing behind them as the ball exploded and sent them careening into the air. The man got up from the ground, electricity covering his hands. There was another flash, and Jake could see Karnak, Alan, and Derek hovering over him.
    “Maybe we should call him Blackout,” Derek helped Jake up off the floor.
    “Seriously,” Alan said, “you okay?”
    Jake nodded. “I’m fine. I’m just a little tired from giving all that juice.”
    “Kid, if you get tired from that, you’re not gonna like what other stuff we do.” Alan took off his ski mask.
    “What other stuff do you do?”
    “Rescue hostages, protect politicians, blow things up. Then we get lunch, and we enter the rush hour.”
    “Great,” Jake rolled his eyes.
    “Don’t worry,” Derek reassured, “after a while you’ll get used to– what’s in your hand?”
    Jake raised his arm and looked at the glowing ball in his hand. Hesitantly, he dropped the ball on the floor. The ball stayed in the middle of the four Heroes before exploding and knocking them back.
    “What the hell was that? Better yet, how did you do that?” Derek wheezed, wiping the smoke from the air.
    “I don’t know,” Jake coughed. “When I blacked out, I saw someone do that.”
    “You saw someone? Like a vision? Since when could you do that?”
    Jake shrugged. “Since I charged up the generator, I guess?”
    “How does that happen?” Derek asked skeptically.
    “The electrical surge must have unlocked some power within him,” Karnak mused.
    “Cool,” Jake nodded. “If more generators equals more powers, then I’m in.”
    Jake created a smaller ball of lightning in his hand, letting it stay there before it vanished.
    “Hey guys,” Alan said as he checked the computer, “what’s tomorrow?”
    “The eighteenth,” Derek answered. “Why?”
    “The computer’s got this message from another Berzerker outpost. They’ve got a shipment of tech coming tomorrow at three.”
    “Then we’ll intercept it,” Karnak scoffed. “We could use the technology.”
    Derek walked over to Karnak, “Speaking of which, when are we gonna get new suits? I hate just wearing my regular clothes.”
    “I suppose I can get some suits,” Karnak sighed. “What color do you want?”
    “Orange,” Derek answered.
    “Steel grey,” Alan said.
    “Blue,” Jake replied.
    “And I get black,” Karnak muttered, typing a few keys on the computer. “They should be here tomorrow.”
    “Great,” Derek yawned. “In the meantime, I’m getting some sleep.” Grabbing his mechanical arm, Derek yanked it off slowly, letting a painful hiss erupt from his mouth. Dropping the arm on the floor, Derek lied down beside it as he began to sleep. Karnak and Alan followed suit; Alan set his stuff by the computer and curled into a ball while Karnak got in a meditative position and closed his eyes. Jake sat down, creating another ball of electricity in his hands. Concentrating, he split the ball in two, the other rotating in his hand. Clenching his hands into fists, the balls disappeared and Jake began to sleep.

    III: VILLAIN

    “The boss is not gonna be happy about this, Knox.”
    “He’s never happy, Drew. But you’re right, he’s gonna be pissed. I just hope we don’t get the whips.”
    “I hate the whips so much.”
    The two Berzerkers gulped loudly as the elevator doors opened, revealing a long hallway with dimmed lights. Silently, the two walked down, opening the door slightly. Knox peered his head out, seeing nothing but darkness.
    “Well?” Drew asked.
    “He’s meditating. We should come later.” Knox whispered.
    “If we do, he’ll be even more pissed.”
    Knox was about to whisper something back until he noticed a red shimmer in the darkness. Silently, he grabbed Drew and dragged him inside, closing the door behind him.
    “Report,” a raspy voice ordered.
    “We took the shipment of cop guns you told us about.” Drew said.
    “Good. Where are they?”
    “Well, there’s a problem.” Knox could feel his face turning red with embarassment. “We were gonna put them in that garage like you said, but…”
    “But?” the voice tensed.
    “The trucks were destroyed.” Drew answered.
    “Yeah, there were some Spec Ops guys that came.”
    “Spec Ops?” the voice whispered.
    “Yeah. Three humans and a Xan.” Knox gulped. “We tried to hold ’em off, but they had these weird powers. One of them was kinda like you, boss.”
    For a moment, all was silent except for the nervous breathing of Drew and Knox.
    “Boss? You there?” Drew asked after a minute of silence.
    Suddenly, red tendrils emerged from the room, wrapping themselves around Drew and Knox. Groaning silently, the two Berzerkers writhed on the ground as the tendrils encased them in cocoons. The last thing they saw was their boss standing over them, his red eyes showing anger.

    Cole summoned the lightning back to his fingertips, watching the smoked bodies with mock pity. He really didn’t want to kill them, but failure was not tolerated. Not after all that he’d done for them. Clenching his hands into fists, he walked out the door, grinning to himself. He already knew of the Xanardian the two had referred to. He just didn’t think it’d be five years before he saw him. After five long, damaging years, Cole would finally have his revenge.
    I hope you remember me, Karnak. Because I remember wanting to tear off that scaly head of yours.

  5. ShardReaperon 03 Jan 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Also, here’s the revised chapter one.

    I: BAIL HAS BEEN PAID

    They all just stood there, watching him with rapt attention. He watched them with excitement, knowing that he something they’d never come across. Clenching his fists, he jumped down from his pedestal. With a maniacal laugh, he landed in front of them, wiping them all out in the process.
    “Why save when I can destroy?”

    Four months, thirteen days, eighteen hours, and five minutes. That was how long Jake Beckett had been inside this… he didn’t even know what to call it. Cell? Holding Pen? Whatever it was, it was a long time to not see sunlight. He had a brief glimpse of it when he tried to get out last Tuesday, but it wasn’t enough to give him a sense of where he was. He only knew two things: that he wasn’t as far away from real civilization as he had thought, and the electricity bouncing in his hands was making his fingers tingle. He’d been doing that a lot, finding it pretty entertaining to play “electric ping-pong” with himself.
    “Only thing keeping me from going insane,” he muttered to himself.
    That was a battle he found himself losing. Aside from that dream and spending lots of his time practicing his powers, there was nothing to do. He’d… “asked” a guard more than once to travel outside but the guards hired by Krios Corp had apparently known about electric torture in advance. The only other option was asking a higher-up, but according to them, that privilege was reserved for “those who were trustworthy enough to have control over their powers”. That, to Jake, was code for “after the blown fuse box? No way in hell”.
    “Ugh,” Jake groaned, “I’m sooo bored!”
    Answering his cry for help, his cell door opened, revealing Flashback. The dark-skinned man looked a little worse for wear than the last time Jake saw him, if that was at all possible. It was his face; he looked as if he’d spent three months at a hospital while terminally ill.
    “Hello, Jacob,” Flashback greeted, his mouth forming into a weary grin.
    “Hey Tenney,” Jake waved, “I haven’t seen you since Friday. Or was it Saturday?”
    “As I’ve asked time and again, please don’t call me that.”
    “Aw,” Jake grinned, “but it just rolls nicely off the tongue. Tenny. Makes you sound more… exciting. But maybe I’d stop calling you that in exchange for, say… a night out on the town?”
    “I take it that you feel fine after your attempted escape?” Tenzen half expected that.
    “My arms and legs are just fine, Tenny. Not that your friends helped any.”
    Tenzen sighed, “I did say attempting to escape would be unwise.”
    “Yeah, but you didn’t say that I’d end up knocked into three walls,” Jake said. He held up three fingers for emphasis.
    “As fun as it is discussing your four day concussions, I’d like to introduce you to someone.” Tenzen turned his head to the door and softly nodded before turning his attention back to Jake.

    “Hey there,” Jake extended a hand. Karnak didn’t shake it.
    “Greetings. I look forward to working with you and helping you hone your powers,” Karnak lied through his teeth .
    “Karnak has decided to make you a part of his team,” Tenzen explained.
    “Team for what?” Jake’s eyes narrowed.
    “A team to train you,” Karnak answered. “Based on what I’ve heard, you… don’t exactly like it here. Tenzen thinks that you can learn your powers better in a more… urban environment.”
    Jake’s eyes widened. “You mean a city? With food, and real air?”
    Tenzen nodded.
    “I’m in!” Jake grinned excitedly. “When do we start?”
    Karnak smirked. Now the fun would begin.
    “Follow me.”
    Jake walked out the door beside Karnak, smiling brightly. After four months, thirteen days, eighteen hours, and eleven minutes, he’d finally been given something to do.

    Karnak didn’t know what he’d get with this Jake Beckett he’d asked to have on his team. He only knew that the human in question was able to manipulate electricity and that in and of itself boggled Karnak’s mind. Not so much the power he could control, just the fact that he had the power and didn’t end up going power crazy. Yet, anyway. Electrics, as Karnak called them, had a habit of… changing, usually around the time they figured out how to channel their element. So either Jake was well past the point of insanity, or he had just discovered that he had powers. Karnak couldn’t tell, but as Tenzen introduced the human, who simply nodded before jumping down off the top of the wall, his teeth grinding as he landed his bare feet onto the steel floor, he began to lean toward the former. Jake looked young, about a little older than a human teenager, with short black hair and electric blue eyes that sent a chill down the Xanardian’s spine. He seemed normal, but on the other hand, anybody who sat on the wall when having a conversation was definetely not normal.

    After several elevators and sub-levels, Karnak and Jake finally reached their destination. The Stomping Grounds, as some of Jake’s friends called it. It was a large dome, almost the size of five warehouses. In the center of the dome were the two men Karnak had been looking at in the car. The man wearing the ski mask carried two machine pistols in his hands, jumping and weaving his way out of the lasers pointed at various points of his body. The other man to his right had two glowing arms in his hands, throwing them at mechanical arms with a cocky smirk on his face.
    “I could use your help here!” the gunman growled.
    “On it!” the man with the orbs replied.
    Dissipating the orbs in his hands, he ran forward, dodging the lasers and vanishing into thin air. Four seconds later, he was in front of the laser turrets, creating two red orbs in his hands before throwing them at the turrets, watching them explode.
    “Happy now?”
    The gunman nodded with approval, dropping one as he fired a light blue beam from his hand, freezing the third turret.
    “And that’s game,” the man with the orbs said.
    “And I win, again.” the gunman replied cockily.
    “Like hell you did, Al. I beat your score, just like last time.”
    “Really? Tell me Derek, was this before or after the tranquilizers?”
    The two argued during their entire walk to Karnak and Jake, stopping in front of the alien.
    “Hey, boss man,” Derek greeted. “Who’s the kid?”
    “This is Jake,” Karnak answered. “Our new teammate. Jake, these are the Brocks, Alan and Derek.”
    Alan, the one with the gun, simply nodded in greeting while Derek waved his right hand– mechanical, along with the rest of his arm– and left it at that.
    “So if the kid’s here, does that mean we’ve got the OK to go topside?” Derek asked.
    “Yes, Derek,” Karnak sighed, “we can go topside.”
    “Finally!” Alan groaned. “It’s been so long since I’ve had a good drink.”
    “Wait,” Jake cut in, “what do you mean ‘topside’? What city are we in?”
    “Derek, take us topside.” Karnak ordered.
    Happily, Derek spread his arms wide, touching Alan and Karnak’s shoulders. An ethereal green light began to wash over the four of them, and in a flash they were gone.

    Half a minute later, the four of them were on a rooftop overlooking the city. The sky was dark orange, mixing violently with the lighter colored sun. Below, there were citizens shuffling around, like aimless sheep.
    “Smell that real, human air,” Alan stretched his arms out, smiling.
    “You’re not lying, brother. First thing we should do: grab a bite to eat. What do you say, Karnak? Let’s celebrate and take the kid out for a night on the town?” Derek gazed at the sky.
    Jake ignored the conversation between his three teammates; he was solely focused on the city. The whole time he was “incarcerated”, he thought about going back to Freedom City, to his home, and staying there for the rest of his life without causing any trouble at all. And now, the whole time, he’d been only one flash away from it?
    “So, what happens now?” Jake asked.
    “Now?” Derek grinned. “Now, we start the life saving.”
    Suddenly, the words from his dream ran through his head. Why save when he could destroy?

  6. ShardReaperon 15 Jan 2010 at 7:39 pm

    If anyone’s reading this, I’ve posted the same chapter about three times now and it hasn’t appeared. Have I exceeded some sort of space limit? If so, please delete every comment from before 1.3.2010. Thanks.

  7. Ragged Boyon 15 Jan 2010 at 7:49 pm

    No, you haven’t exceeded any space limit. I don’t think there is one, we’ve had some long comments before. I’ll look into it now.

    Try posting it again.

  8. ShardReaperon 15 Jan 2010 at 7:59 pm

    IV: POWER

    “Well, look what we got here,” Alan said.
    It had been eleven-thirty by the time all four of them woke up. With four and a half hours to spare before they had to grab the Berzerker tech, they’d killed time by going through as much of the city as they could. By the time they returned to the garage at two-fifteen, there was a small box on top of the computer containing the suits Karnak called for last night. They were all simple spandex suits with combat boots and gloves. Each matched the wearer’s color; Jake had a vibrant blue, Karnak had dark black, Alan had steel grey, and Derek had light orange. Now, it was two-fifty-eight and Alan was with Jake and Derek, watching the rundown apartment where the shipment was taking place.
    “What?” Jake asked. “I don’t see anything.”
    Alan put his binoculars down. “Sorry. I forgot that you don’t have my binoculars.”
    “What are you talking about?”
    “The suits have special functions specific to the wearer’s powers. Al’s got binoculars that increases his vision.” Derek explained.
    “What about yours?”
    “My suit gives me stuff to use as material for my orbs and Karnak’s backpack supplies him with weapons.”
    “What does mine do?”
    Alan shrugged. “No clue. Guess you’ll find out– hold up, someone’s coming.” There was a man with three bags standing in front of the apartment, scanning the street left and right. In front of them were a pair of Berzerkers riding red and yellow motorcycles.
    “Shouldn’t we do something?” Derek whispered.
    Alan raised his binoculars up to his face. “Not yet. We need to make sure that they’ve got the tech.”
    The guy with the bags held them up for the Berzerkers to see. One of them took out a wad of money and got off his bike, slipping the wad into the dealer’s greedy fingers.
    “This better be everything,” one Berzerker growled.
    “Trust me, there ain’t a single thing missing,” the dealer slipped the money into his pocket. “You got my word.”
    “Oh, I hope so,” Derek teleported behind the motorcycles alongside Alan and Jake. “Because we’d hate to beat you guys up if we don’t have everything we need.”
    Alan took out an assault rifle and aimed it at the Berzerkers. “The stuff. Give it.”
    The second Berzerker looked at Alan, then the bags, then Alan again. Hesitantly, he handed the bags over, ignoring the glare from his comrade. Alan grabbed one bag and handed the other two over to Derek.
    “The bikes too,” Alan ordered.
    The gang members got off their bikes without any trouble, casting knowing looks toward each other. Alan got on one by himself while Derek and Jake took the other. Revving the engine, the three took off, not noticing one of the Berzerkers press a button on his glove.

    “Hey Arsenal,” Bullet tapped his headset. “We’ve got the stuff and we’re heading to the garage.”
    “Negative. Head to the coordinates I’m about to send you.” Arsenal ordered.
    “On it. Orb, you guys get that?”
    The bikes moved past a row of taxis. “Yeah. My arm’s got the coordinates. Just follow us.”
    Suddenly, an explosion erupted from behind them. Kilowatt looked back and saw four Berzerker cars with machine guns strapped to the doors. One of the cars sped up, firing at the wheels on Orb’s bike.
    “Take the wheel for a sec,” Orb said to Kilowatt, teleporting. Half a second later he sat behind Kilowatt with a grin on his face.
    “Hey guys, we should speed up,” Orb yelled, switching positions with Kilowatt.
    “Why?” Bullet asked.
    “Time’s a factor,” Orb replied speeding up.
    Two seconds later, one of the Berzerker cars exploded, careening in midair. Revving their engines, the Berzerker cars sped up beside Orb and Bullet. One of them rammed their car into Bullet’s bike, bringing him closer to Orb and Kilowatt. Backing up, Bullet fired a beam of ice at the car, stopping it in its tracks. Another motorcycle dashed ahead of the frozen bike, firing at Bullet’s wheel. Bullet took out a pistol and shot at the driver, watching the car spin out of control behind them. The next wave of Berzerkers were on motorcycles similar to Bullet and Orb’s, only with the riders each holding a sword in their hand. One rider swiped at Kilowatt, cutting his right arm and cheek, while the other cut Bullet’s pistol.
    “I got this,” Kilowatt cried, balling his hands into a fist. Channeling lightning to his fingers, he turned around and fired at the first cycle, knocking one of the rear view mirrors fall off.
    “Crap,” he muttered, firing again. The cycle moved away from the stream of lightning quickly, nudging the back of Kilowatt and Orb’s cycle.
    “Hey kid,” Orb snapped, swerving back and forth, “maybe you wanna try aiming. We’re trying to get rid of these guys.”
    Extending a hand, he charged it with lightning and fired at the rider, knocking him off and watching the bike screech and slide through the street. Grinning triumphantly, he turned his attention to the cycle next to him and threw a ball of lightning at the front wheel, watching the ball spin before enveloping it completely and exploding in an electric haze.
    “We’re almost at Karnak’s position,” Bullet said, taking a hard right past construction equipment. “Should be right… here!” Pointing at a warehouse with dents in the walls and profane words written in graffiti.
    “You have the tech?” Karnak said, raising an eyebrow at the scars and bruises on his teammates.
    Bullet nodded. “Had a small legion of gangsters try and hack our limbs off, but we’re all good. Why’d you call us here?”
    “There was an alert on the computer. Something here’s giving off a considerable pulse of energy. And since the rookie can get powers from charging up things like generators…”
    “You wanna see if I’ll get another power.” Jake finished, hopping off the bike.
    Karnak nodded and morphed his arm into a shotgun, blowing a hole in the door.
    “You two stay here,” Karnak said to Orb and Bullet as he walked inside behind Jake. It looked like the standard abandoned place; broken windows, destroyed machinery lying around everywhere and rusting metal. Claw marks adorned the walls and floor while body imprints had somehow ended up on the ceiling.
    “What happened here?” Karnak muttered.
    Jake walked across the factory to the door marked “maintenance.” With a flick of his wrist, a spark of lightning jumped from his index finger and struck the doorknob, knocking it off.
    “On three.” Karnak whispered as Jake pressed a hand to the door.
    “One…” Jake enveloped his fist with lightning.
    “Two…” Karnak morphed his left arm into a shotgun.
    “Three!” Jake kicked the door open, circling the room beside Karnak. Aside from a few papers on the multiple tables, there was no sign that anybody had been around. Karnak picked up a few of the papers, squinting his eyes. On the side were pictures of a black rock with lines coming from it and a person surrounded by some sort of field.
    “Flashback,” Arsenal tapped his ear comm. “Can you get a visual on what I’m seeing?”
    “Yes, I can. Bring the paper closer to you.” Flashback ordered.
    “Let’s see here… radiation… power…” Arsenal could hear Flashback mutter to himself.
    “If I’m reading this right, then whoever was here was trying to find a way to use an irradiated rock to give themselves or others powers.”
    “Can you do that?”
    “According to this paper you can,” Flashback huffed over the radio. “I don’t understand… I’m looking at the rest of the room and it appears that the technology is our own.”
    Arsenal raised an eyebrow. “There are Heroes here in Freedom City?”
    “None except you and your team. At least, none that the records are pulling up.”
    “Hey, check this out,” muttered. In his hand was the rock from the paper. It was no bigger than his fist and the lines swirled calmly.
    “Will this help?” Jake raised the rock up to Karnak’s face.
    “No. I’m not getting anything.” Flashback said, disappointed.
    Arsenal set the papers down on the floor and took the rock from Kilowatt.
    “Charge it up,” he said, handing it back to his partner. Closing his eyes, Kilowatt covered the rock entirely with his hands, channeling some of his power into it. Lightning shot out from his fists, striking the wall and Arsenal (the latter of which grumbled about it while he healed).
    “Anything?” Arsenal asked.
    “No. I’m gonna juice it up some more,” Kilowatt cried, pouring more of his power into the rock. Arsenal crouched to the ground as more lightning crackled throughout the room, sending the papers flying.
    “Alright, that’s enough! You can stop now!” Arsenal shouted.
    “Hold on, I think I’ve got it!” Kilowatt shouted.
    “I’M ORDERING YOU TO STOP RIGHT NOW!” Arsenal put his clawed hands on top of Kilowatt’s and started to pry his fingers open. Without any warning, a wave of light shot out from Kilowatt’s hands, knocking them both through the wall.

    The first thing that ran through Jake’s mind was that he was not in the warehouse. If anything, he wasn’t too far from the warehouse, but far enough to not have Alan or Derek come pick him up from the concrete that his body was now sitting on as if it were a bed. The second thing was that Karnak was, without a doubt, going to give him hell for disobeying him. Hopefully, Jake had gotten a power and the satisfaction of acquiring it would stave off Karnak’s retribution.
    “Are you alright?”
    Painfully lifting his face up from the ground, Jake saw a thin man with a small beard and red eyes kneeling next to him. He held a hand out expectantly, worry struck across his aging face. With some effort, Jake grabbed the hand and got back up, almost tripping on his own feet.
    “What happened?” the man asked.
    “Just, uh, some demolition work gone wrong.” Jake said, wiping some smoke from his face.
    “Really?” the man raised an eyebrow.
    “Yeah. This warehouse is gonna be a gym in a few months, but our boss wanted us to tear it down before rebuilding it.”
    “Uh… huh. And you’re sure you’re okay?”
    “Yep,” Jake rubbed the back of his head. “Perfectly fine.”
    “Well then, I’ll let you get back to your work.” Jake nodded and began to leave.
    “And Jake?” Jake turned his head to the man. “The powers become greater with time and practice. Remember that.”
    Jake looked at the man with shock. How did he–
    “What the hell were you thinking?!” Jake felt a pair of hands yank him by the shirt. It was Karnak, his eyes red and bloodshot. The injuries from the explosion that adorned his face were healing, leaving three scars across his right eye. Alan and Derek were behind him, watching with fear and amusement.
    “I told you to stop powering the rock!” Karnak growled, letting go of Jake.
    “I couldn’t stop! The rock started giving me power. And then you came along.” Jake shot back, dusting off his suit.
    “Whatever,” Karnak muttered, walking past Derek and Alan. “Let’s go.”
    “You alright, kid?” Alan asked as Jake caught up to him.
    “Yeah, I’m fine,” Jake muttered, rubbing his hands.
    “Don’t worry,” Derek patted him on the back. “He acts like that toward everyone. He likes you.”
    “He’s got a funny way of showing it,” Jake wrung his hands.
    “Something wrong with your hands?” Alan asked as they arrived at their bikes.
    “I can’t stop shaking,” Jake’s arms trembled. Blue light covered his hands before a disc three curved blades emerged from each hand.
    “What the hell?” Derek raised an eyebrow.
    “Another power?” Karnak eyed the blades with wonder.
    “No, this happens every time my hands shake,” Jake rolled his eyes. “Of course it’s another power!”
    “So what do they do?” Alan watched the discs with fascination.
    “Let’s find out,” Jake threw the discs out of his hands, watching them spin in the air and dematerialize. A moment later, they reappeared in his hands, silently humming before fading completely.
    “That’s cool,” Derek grinned.
    “Indeed,” Karnak supressed a smile. “But you still need to follow my orders. If something happens to you, I’m the one that has to answer to top brass.”
    “I’ll keep that in mind,” Jake rolled his eyes. “Who’s up for some food?”
    “I’m in,” Derek teleported next to his bike. “But you get the bill.”
    “Says who?”
    “Says tradition. Rookie always pays for the first meal.”
    Jake got on the other bike and revved the engine. “How about we race to see who pays?” he cried as he sped off.
    “Cheater!” Derek yelled as he hopped on his bike and sped after his fleeing teammate. Alan and Karnak shrugged their shoulders before taking off, unaware of the figure in the warehouse watching their every move. And even if had, they would’ve been dead before they did a double take. But the rookie, Jake, he had potential. Playing with him was going to be fun.

    So what do you think? Sound off below!

  9. ShardReaperon 15 Jan 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Now it says that I’m double posting.

  10. ShardReaperon 15 Jan 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Would it just be easier to have another review forum?

  11. Ragged Boyon 15 Jan 2010 at 8:20 pm

    I don’t think it’s the forum. I think it’s probably the comment. Try posting it somewhere else and if it works I’ll move it here.

  12. NinjaStrifeon 15 Jan 2010 at 8:42 pm

    I did and it still isn’t working.

  13. Ragged Boyon 15 Jan 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Hmm, this is odd. I’ve never encountered a problem like this. I’m afraid this is out of my hands. When B. Mac gets back I’m sure he’ll know what to do. Until then, would you like to work on anything else?

  14. B. Macon 16 Jan 2010 at 12:45 am

    Sometimes our spam-filters get peevish. I went through the spam list and manually approved your post, SR. RB, I think you and Tom have the ability to do the same. (I searched the spam list for ShardReaper and that’s how I found his comment there).

  15. B. Macon 16 Jan 2010 at 12:50 am

    Would you like me to clear out the comments below 1/3/2010 anyway?

  16. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2010 at 7:53 am

    Oh, silly me. I was looking in the pending section. Sorry about that, ShardReaper.

  17. B. Macon 16 Jan 2010 at 8:34 am

    Yeah, it is VERY rare for the spam-filter to chuck comments directly into the spam folder rather than the pending folder. As far as I can remember, it’s only happened twice out of something like 16,000 comments. (I’m not actually sure how many comments we’ve had because I delete a few hundred from the List of Superpowers every month to make sure that it loads normally).

  18. Holliequon 16 Jan 2010 at 10:01 am

    Hey, Shard Reaper, just dropping you a note to say that I’m really enjoying this story so far! The setting feels very real, and I like the characters too – particularly Derek and Alan. Your sense of humour is great, too.

    The only thing I’m concerned about so far is Jake gaining new powers so rapidly without working for them. He also doesn’t seem to have much trouble controlling them at the moment. And Karnak forgives him very quickly considering he disobeyed orders.

    Basically, Jake keeps gaining new powers, but there doesn’t seem to be any downsides to them. It would feel more realistic if they were more difficult for him to control, or at least that it caused some friction with his teammates.

    I’m definitely going to be keeping up with this story though. I’m intrigued. Good work!

  19. NinjaStrifeon 16 Jan 2010 at 10:50 am

    Don’t worry. Jake’s powers are gonna start backfiring and Karnak isn’t gonna let his disobedience go.

  20. B. Macon 16 Jan 2010 at 11:03 am

    NinjaStrife, you’re the same person as ShardReaper, right?

  21. NinjaStrifeon 16 Jan 2010 at 11:07 am

    Yes. I accidentally switched names for something else.

  22. B. Macon 16 Jan 2010 at 11:23 am

    Ah, okay. I figured as much–it would have been a bit strange for a stranger to declare how the story would develop.

  23. ShardReaperon 15 Mar 2010 at 7:42 pm

    Is it possible to have all comments before 1.3.2010 deleted?

  24. B. Macon 15 Mar 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Okay, got it.

  25. ShardReaperon 05 Apr 2010 at 5:22 pm

    V: FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON ME

    “Again!” Karnak roared.
    “We’re running out stuff to throw,” Alan pointed to the eviscerated Berzerker cars and bikes that were scattered around the garage.
    “Then start using your powers.” he turned his head to Jake, who was lying on the ground, panting heavily. “And did I say you could rest yet?”
    Jake stood up weakly, wiping the sweat off his face. “We’ve been doing this for four hours!” Jake wheezed. “I can’t feel any part of my body! For the love of God, let’s take a break!”
    “I’m with the kid on this one. Is it Alan’s turn yet?” Derek cried, hiding behind the destroyed cars.
    Karnak grabbed a bottle with very little water in it to Jake, ignoring the glare that came his way. Since they got back from eating, he’d forced Alan and Derek to help Jake with his new powers. Alan would throw something in the air for the electric discs (which Derek had started calling the Shock Spinners) while Derek would hide behind vehicles, goading Jake into finding him using his litttle detonating balls (which Jake and Derek dubbed the Gigawatt Grenades).
    “Derek, stop complaining. Alan, you switch with your brother in a few minutes. And Beckett, stop being picky over which target to hit. If you hesitate again, I’ll shoot.” Karnak morphed his hand into an assault rifle for emphasis. “Now start!”
    Forming ice shards in between his knuckles, Alan hurled them into the air while Derek teleported behind a pair of destroyed motorcycles as Jake threw a Spinner and Grenade with both of his hands, watching them fly in the air. The Spinner sliced the shards into pieces as the grenade sent the motorcycles flying in scraps of blue and yellow metal.
    “On my mark!” Karnak ordered.
    Alan prepared three more ice shards in between his fingers for throwing. Jake readied another grenade and Spinner as Derek prepared to teleport.
    “One… two…”
    “Enough of this, Karnak. I think I speak for your subordinates when I say that this borders on torture,” said a disembodied voice coming from the computer.
    “Tenzen,” Karnak bared his teeth. “Do you need something?”
    Tenzen’s holographic head appeared on screen. “Yes, actually. I need to perform a scan of Jacob for our scientists to make sure everything’s all right with him.”
    Jake ran up to the computer eagerly. “Thank you! I thought I was gonna die. So when do you teleport me to your hideout?”
    “We can perform the scan from where you are, Jacob. Just spread your arms and stand still.”
    Jake disappointingly did as he was instructed, standing for a few brief seconds before dropping his arms to his side.
    “Well?” Jake folded his arms across his chest.
    “Everything seems to be fine. No mental damages that we’ve detected and your powers seem to be progressing at a natural rate. I’ll check back in another week or two for another check-up.” Tenzen replied.
    “If that is all, Tenzen,” Karnak huffed. “May we continue now?”
    “There is, actually. The Berzerkers are currently in control of a communications station, and getting control of it would help your progress in the long run.”
    “If it means no more target practice, we’re game.” Derek wiped the sweat from his forehead.
    “Glad to hear it. Given that you’ve interrupted two of their deals, I’d say to expect some resistance, but I think you’ll manage.” Tenzen’s face warped out of view. Jake and Derek rode off on their bikes as Karnak and Derek trailed behind.

    “Tenzen was not kidding,” Derek said as he put Alan’s binoculars up to his face. “We really must’ve pissed them off.”
    Karnak grabbed the binoculars from Derek and raised them up to his eyes. There were three times as many Berzerkers as before, each wielding assualt rifles and shotguns, with a few of them wearing dark blue jackets with yellow stripes on the sleeves and red-tinted sunglasses. In the center of the gangsters were a stack of dead bodies covered in fire, the crackling of the flames drowned out by the sounds of random gunfire, broken glass and wild hollering.The station itself was as pristine as could be; that is, aside from a few scratches and stains, the tower was still standing, despite the chaos down below.
    “No problem,” Derek whispered. “We’re the ones with the superpowers, remember?”
    “Yeah, about that,” Jake handed the binoculars back to Alan. “We might have our work cut out for us.”
    Down below, one of the Berzerkers wearing a dark blue jacket had taken off his sunglasses and fired purple beams at the corpses, increasing the flames. Another one punched the ground, creating massive cracks as the vehicles in front of her were swallowed by the ground.
    “So what’s the plan?” Jake asked.
    “The three of us will head down there and clear the opposition while Alan stays here and snipes any stragglers.” Karnak said as he and Derek slid down the hill.
    “Don’t worry, kid. I’ll have you all in my sights,” Alan said as he took out his sniper rifle. “Not to shoot at, though.”
    Jake rolled his eyes and slid down, taking potshots at a few Berzerkers rushing Derek, accidentally grazing his fleshy shoulder.
    “Watch where you’re aiming!” Derek yelled.
    “Any sign of the superpowered ones?” Karnak cried as he kicked a Berzerker in the face.
    “Nope,” Alan’s static voice replied over the radio. “Either they hauled ass out of there, or–hey!”
    A moment later, Alan arrived on his back with his sniper’s scope bent down.
    “What happened?” Derek asked as he helped his brother up.
    “They happened,” Alan pointed to the three super-Berzerkers in front of them.
    “So you’re the SpecOps guys the boss mentioned,” the first male Berzerker narrowed his eyes through his glasses.
    Derek scratched the back of his head nervously. “How about you let us do what we came here to do and we buy all three of you a round on us?”
    “At least tell us who you work for. Please?” Jake pleaded.
    “Sorry. If you knew who we work for, you’d be dead by now.” the middle Berzerker said.
    The two groups looked at each other with full realization of what was about to happen.

    “Tenzen, we’ve got control of the satellite,” Karnak tapped the console in front of the satellite, looking back at the dead super-Berzerkers.
    “Copy that,” Tenzen said over the radio. “Was there any trouble?”
    “No,” Karnak watched the satellite begin to power up. “No trouble at all. Do you have a map of the city?”
    “Yes. We’re in control of communications. If anything happens, we’ll contact you ASAP.”
    “Thank you, Tenzen. Arsenal out.”
    Turning off the console, Karnak looked back to the three smoked corpses where Jake, Alan and Derek stood. Derek and Alan were joking, as usual, but Jake looked as if he wanted to throw up; it was obvious that he’d never killed someone like that before. Death by lightning storm was something even he wouldn’t wish on the worst people in the galaxy. Hell, he hadn’t had that happen to him since—
    “Hello? You still in there?”
    He turned around and found himself in front of Derek. Jake and Alan were gone, from the looks of it, leaving the younger Brock brother and the Xanardian alone.
    “You ok?” Derek patted him on the back.
    “Yes,” Karnak nodded.
    “You sure?”
    “Yes, Derek.”
    “Okay, then. We’re heading back to the garage.”
    Karnak watched Derek take off on his motorcycle before activating his jetpack. Maybe Jake would end up better than the last one he trained. Maybe there was still hope.

  26. B. Macon 05 Apr 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Hmm, it’s been almost three months since the last chapter. Welcome back!

    Some minor mechanical stuff early. In the second sentence, “we’re running out stuff to throw,” I think the word “of” is missing. “Then start using your powers.” he turned… He should be capitalized here, because the turning the head is a separate sentence from telling them to use their powers.

    “Karnak grabbed a bottle with very little water in it to Jake…” I think “grabbed” should be replaced with something like “passed.”

    I like that he’s hard on Jake.

    Litttle is misspelled, I think. Assualt should be assault.

    I think there are smoother ways to introduce the names of the shock spinners and gigawatt grenades than parenthetical phrases. Among other things, the parenthetical phrases make this sentence a bit long and awkward: “Alan would throw something in the air for the electric discs (which Derek had started calling the Shock Spinners) while Derek would hide behind vehicles, goading Jake into finding him using his litttle detonating balls (which Jake and Derek dubbed the Gigawatt Grenades).”

    I’d like more style/personality in the interaction between Tenzen/Karnak.

    “The three of us will head down there and clear the opposition while Alan stays here and snipes any stragglers.” Karnak said… The period after stragglers should be a comma. (When a line of dialogue has a tag after it, it shouldn’t end with a period).

    “Sorry. If you knew who we work for, you’d be dead by now.” the middle Berzerker said. Period after now should be a comma.

    I think this exchange could be shortened or spiced up:
    “You ok?” Derek patted him on the back.
    “Yes,” Karnak nodded.
    “You sure?”
    “Yes, Derek.”
    “Okay, then. We’re heading back to the garage.”

    For example, if you’re trying to show that something is not quite right with Karnak, perhaps you could give him some telling nonverbal cue.

    I like the last paragraph. In particular, that the last student failed.

  27. ShardReaperon 06 Apr 2010 at 2:08 pm

    V: FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON ME

    “Again!” Karnak roared.
    “We’re running out of stuff to throw,” Alan pointed to the eviscerated Berzerker cars and bikes that were scattered around the garage.
    “Then start using your powers.” He turned his head to Jake, who was lying on the ground, panting heavily. “And did I say you could rest yet?”
    Jake stood up weakly, wiping the sweat off his face. “We’ve been doing this for four hours!” Jake wheezed. “I can’t feel any part of my body! For the love of God, let’s take a break!”
    “I’m with the kid on this one. Is it Alan’s turn yet?” Derek cried, hiding behind the destroyed cars.
    Karnak threw a bottle with very little water in it to Jake, ignoring the glare that came his way. Since they got back from eating, he’d forced Alan and Derek to help Jake with his new powers. Alan would throw something in the air for the electric discs while Derek would hide behind vehicles, goading Jake into finding him using his little detonating balls.
    “Derek, stop complaining. Alan, you switch with your brother in a few minutes. And Beckett, stop being picky over which target to hit. If you hesitate again, I’ll shoot.” Karnak morphed his hand into an assault rifle for emphasis. “Now start!”
    Forming ice shards in between his knuckles, Alan hurled them into the air while Derek teleported behind a pair of destroyed motorcycles as Jake threw a Spinner and Grenade with both of his hands, watching them fly in the air. The Spinner sliced the shards into pieces as the grenade sent the motorcycles flying in scraps of blue and yellow metal.
    “On my mark!” Karnak ordered.
    Alan prepared three more ice shards in between his fingers for throwing. Jake readied another grenade and disc as Derek prepared to teleport.
    “One… two…”
    “Enough of this, Karnak. I think I speak for your subordinates when I say that this borders on torture,” said a disembodied voice coming from the computer.
    “Tenzen,” Karnak bared his teeth. “Do you need something?”
    Tenzen’s holographic head appeared on screen. “Am I interrupting something?”
    “No, we’re just…training,” Karnak pointed his gun-hand at Derek, who was about to speak in retaliation.
    “It’s nothing, really. It’s only a few exercises for Jake’s powers,” Karnak said to Tenzen’s skeptical look.
    “Say hello to the Shock Spinner,” Jake created a disc in one hand and a ball in the other. “And the Gigawatt Grenade.”
    “So what is it that you need?” Karnak asked impatiently.
    “I just need a scan of Jacob for our scientists to make sure everything’s all right with him.” Tenzen answered.
    Jake ran up to the computer eagerly. “Thank you! I thought I was gonna die. So when do you teleport me to your hideout?”
    “We can perform the scan from where you are, Jacob. Just spread your arms and stand still.”
    Jake disappointingly did as he was instructed, standing for a few brief seconds before dropping his arms to his side.
    “Well?” Jake folded his arms across his chest.
    “Everything seems to be fine. No mental damages that we’ve detected and your powers seem to be progressing at a natural rate. I’ll check back in another week or two for another check-up.” Tenzen replied.
    “If that is all, Tenzen,” Karnak huffed. “May we continue now?”
    “There is, actually. The Berzerkers are currently in control of a communications station, and getting control of it would help your progress in the long run.”
    “If it means no more target practice, we’re game.” Derek wiped the sweat from his forehead.
    “Glad to hear it. Given that you’ve interrupted two of their deals, I’d say to expect some resistance, but I think you’ll manage.” Tenzen’s face warped out of view. Jake and Derek rode off on their bikes as Karnak and Derek trailed behind.

    “Tenzen was not kidding,” Derek said as he put Alan’s binoculars up to his face. “We really must’ve pissed them off.”
    Karnak grabbed the binoculars from Derek and raised them up to his eyes. There were three times as many Berzerkers as before, each wielding assualt rifles and shotguns, with a few of them wearing dark blue jackets with yellow stripes on the sleeves and red-tinted sunglasses. In the center of the gangsters were a stack of dead bodies covered in fire, the crackling of the flames drowned out by the sounds of random gunfire, broken glass and wild hollering.The station itself was as pristine as could be; that is, aside from a few scratches and stains, the tower was still standing, despite the chaos down below.
    “No problem,” Derek whispered. “We’re the ones with the superpowers, remember?”
    “Yeah, about that,” Jake handed the binoculars back to Alan. “We might have our work cut out for us.”
    Down below, one of the Berzerkers wearing a dark blue jacket had taken off his sunglasses and fired purple beams at the corpses, increasing the flames. Another one punched the ground, creating massive cracks as the vehicles in front of her were swallowed by the ground.
    “So what’s the plan?” Jake asked.
    “The three of us will head down there and clear the opposition while Alan stays here and snipes any stragglers,” Karnak said as he and Derek slid down the hill.
    “Don’t worry, kid. I’ll have you all in my sights,” Alan said as he took out his sniper rifle. “Not to shoot at, though.”
    Jake rolled his eyes and slid down, taking potshots at a few Berzerkers rushing Derek, accidentally grazing his fleshy shoulder.
    “Watch where you’re aiming!” Derek yelled.
    “Any sign of the superpowered ones?” Karnak cried as he kicked a Berzerker in the face.
    “Nope,” Alan’s static voice replied over the radio. “Either they hauled ass out of there, or–hey!”
    A moment later, Alan arrived on his back with his sniper’s scope bent down.
    “What happened?” Derek asked as he helped his brother up.
    “They happened,” Alan pointed to the three super-Berzerkers in front of them.
    “So you’re the SpecOps guys the boss mentioned,” the first male Berzerker narrowed his eyes through his glasses.
    Derek scratched the back of his head nervously. “How about you let us do what we came here to do and we buy all three of you a round on us?”
    “At least tell us who you work for. Please?” Jake pleaded.
    “Sorry. If you knew who we work for, you’d be dead by now.” the middle Berzerker said.
    The two groups looked at each other with full realization of what was about to happen.

    “Tenzen, we’ve got control of the satellite,” Karnak tapped the console in front of the satellite, looking back at the dead super-Berzerkers.
    “Copy that,” Tenzen said over the radio. “Was there any trouble?”
    “No,” Karnak watched the satellite begin to power up. “No trouble at all. Do you have a map of the city?”
    “Yes. We’re in control of communications. If anything happens, we’ll contact you ASAP.”
    “Thank you, Tenzen. Arsenal out.”
    Turning off the console, Karnak looked back to the three smoked corpses where Jake, Alan and Derek stood. Derek and Alan were joking, as usual, but Jake looked as if he wanted to throw up; it was obvious that he’d never killed someone like that before. Death by lightning storm was something even he wouldn’t wish on the worst people in the galaxy. Hell, he hadn’t had that happen to him since—
    “Hello? You still in there?”
    He turned around and found himself in front of Derek. Jake and Alan were gone, from the looks of it, leaving the younger Brock brother and the Xanardian alone.
    “You ok?” Derek patted him on the back.
    “Yes,” Karnak nodded.
    “You’re worried about him, aren’t you? I’m not as clueless as you and my brother think I am,” Derek smiled at his teammate’s shocked expression.
    “What he did to them…I haven’t seen anything like that since…“ Karnak stopped.
    “Hey!” Derek weakly punched his shoulder. “I thought we didn’t bring it up. Your number two rule, remember? And Jake’s gonna be fine. He’s a bit whiny about saving this place, but he’ll be fine. You did right with me and Al, so you’ll do right by him.”
    “I didn’t do right by you two so much as threatened to beat you both to death.”
    “Yeah, that too,” Derek chuckled. “I’ll see you back at the garage.”
    Karnak watched Derek take off on his motorcycle before activating his jetpack. Maybe Jake would end up better than the last one he trained. Maybe there was still hope.

  28. ShardReaperon 04 Sep 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Ok, so I’ve been gone for a while…yeah…In all truthfulness, I decided to revamp Project Hero a bit. Jake, Karnak, Derek, and Alan are still in the story, and they are still working for an organization of superhumans (question: would that term apply to aliens with superpowers as well?). In the newest version, Alan and Derek have been renamed Adam and Nate, respectively.

    Along with those four, there are three other characters: Rexus, Karnak’s childhood friend who’s a shapeshifter; Sam, a girl who controls fire; and Ryuu, a teenager that carries around two swords and has agility, that ability taken from Jake and given to him. Jake is the newest member of this team, known as Epsilon, and they’re sent to the city-planet of Zevran. Soon after their arrival, Zevran is under attack by rogue superhumans. It’s up to Epsilon to save the planet and discover what the rogue superhumans have to gain from destroying said planet. I think this’ll be the definitive and final version of Project Hero, and I’m very interested in hearing your guys’ feedback. And this time, I’m not going to disappear for a few months with no explanation.

  29. Ghoston 04 Sep 2010 at 6:12 pm

    ShardReaper,
    I haven’t had a chance to read your whole forum, but I think that what you have so far is good. I am curious as to why Epsilon is the only one responsiblw for saving the planet, what happened to the other heros. Another question I have is way would aliens have human names. Are they human colonists born on other planets or are they jus plan old aliens. And yes I do believe you are right, if they are not humans then I don’t think superhuman would be the correct word.

  30. ShardReaperon 04 Sep 2010 at 6:32 pm

    The rest of the Heroes are off doing other stuff on other planets. Epsilon is the team that you go to if you want to keep it quiet–the one that gets stuff done, even if they die in the process.
    Also, Karnak and Rexus are the only aliens, for the record.

  31. Ghoston 04 Sep 2010 at 8:51 pm

    OH, okay. I thought Epsilon was Jake’s callsign, but now that I have re-readed your post I see that it is the team’s name. So Epsilon is the suicide team, maybe you call them Omega. As far as the alien’s go, you could always just call them superheroes.

  32. ShardReaperon 05 Sep 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Okay, so here’s three of the seven members of Team Omega.

    Rexus Zeno (Omega-Two)
    Age: 35
    Species: Xanardian
    Power: Shapeshifting
    Comments: Xanar Corps soldier on loan to Krios Corp. Used primarily in missions for infiltration and reconnaissance. Personality-wise, Rex is a bit of a joker, always spouting off a one-liner during tense situations, but otherwise a perfect soldier. Also good for defusing hostage situations by taking form of someone close to the hostage taker.

    Nathan Wright (Omega-Four)
    Age: 29
    Species: Human
    Power: Energy Absorption/Manipulation, Teleportation
    Comments: Arrogant, but rightfully so. Technology is his specialty–which is ironic, given his cybernetic arm. That said, his loyalty to Krios Corp. is a bit more than the thrill of testing their new tech–possible childhood trauma? Regardless, it’s best just to let the man work, even if it means he forgets everything else going on around him.

    Ryuu Yamaki (Omega-Six)
    Age: 14
    Species: Human
    Power: Enhanced Agility and Reflexes
    Comments: This is a conflicting child. On one hand, he is one of the most promising Heroes around–he follows orders to the last detail, rarely steps out of line, if ever, and it’s art watching him fight in battle. On the other hand, he is just a boy–there’s signs that his missions are affecting him mentally, though he won’t show it. He primarily seems to let it out through his attacks, which in turn make it difficult for him to be recommended for any missions that won’t require some brute force. Note the pair of Dao swords on his back and the dragon tatoos on his arm as being a breach of Hero protocol. Too bad that he takes orders from the son of the Xanardian who made said protocol.

    The other four profiles will come in a few hours. Please offer comments and feedback.

  33. Ghoston 06 Sep 2010 at 10:15 am

    Is this the squad formerly know as epsilon? All of your character’s powers seem to be pretty well balanced. I like Rex, reading his description reminded me of the time I sang Boy George aloud during an ambush. “do you really want the hurt me, do you really want to make me die?” Ah, good stuff good times. Anyways, since you didn’t give a really in depth description of the characters it was kinda hard to get a good feel of their personality, which makes commenting about them a little harder. Also your in your profile of Nate you wrote “possible childhood trauma”, where asking advice on a possible childhood trauma or were you trying to let us know that his miss arm was the result of a possible childhood trauma. Or are you just undecided. Anyways, sorry I couldn’t be more help.

  34. ShardReaperon 06 Sep 2010 at 11:20 am

    The “childhood trauma” thing was worded a bit poorly–it was meant to question Nate’s devout loyalty to Krios Corp was due to trust issues.

  35. ShardReaperon 06 Sep 2010 at 11:43 am

    Here are the profiles for Adam, Karnak, Sam, and Jake.

    Adam Wright (Omega-Three)
    Age: 31
    Species: Human
    Power: Superhuman Accuracy
    Comments: Ex Black-Ops soldier. Proficient in scoped weapons such as sniper rifles, laser sights, and optimal zoom assault rifles, but has knowledge of mixed martial arts in case things call for a more up-close approach. Sometimes quiet, sometimes chatty, but always helps out whenever he can. Tough, but fair. Can disassemble and reassemble a rifle in less than three minutes on a good day. Side note: never gamble with Adam. He’ll always win.

    Karnak Krios (Omega-One)
    Age: 35
    Species: Xanardian
    Power: Integration of weapons into his body, shortened to ‘Weaponizing’
    Comments: Like Rexus, he is a former Xanar Corps soldier on loan to Krios Corp. He’s also the son of the Krios Corp. head, but he doesn’t let that detail get in the way of what really matters. Karnak is rock-solid under pressure, maintains a commanding and authoritive tone on and off the battlefield, and treats everyone with the utmost respect. He takes the same amount of pain he can give, and he gives a lot of it. Don’t expect to find a drinking buddy with Karnak–he’s strictly business.

    Samantha Carter (Omega-Five)
    Age: 22
    Species: Human
    Power: Pyrokinesis
    Comments: A bit too blunt for some, Sam’s background in pyrotechnics and misdirection as served Omega well in missions. Whether it’s using Rex to throw the enemy off their game or creating heavy-duty explosives, she’s proved her worth to the team. Ignoring that praise, she does have her moments where she can go overboard with the explosives, as her older teammates will tell you. Reminder: never get into her literal line of fire, unless you want to look like smoked sausage.

    Jake Beckett (Omega-Seven)
    Age: 21
    Species: Human
    Power: Electricity Control
    Comments: Beckett was moved to Omega following a fight with a superior that left the latter with a broken arm, so it goes without saying that he’s got a bit of a temper. Curious and always asks questions, but they pay off, seeing as how he grasps onto new things easier than others. Never afraid to voice his opinion on something or to follow through with his threats–the perfect candidate for Omega and the homicidal maniacs that make up that squad.

    And to answer your question Ghost, yes, this is the team formerly known as Epsilon.

  36. B. Macon 06 Sep 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Hmm. It seems to me that there are a lot of characters in the main group. Will you be able to develop them sufficiently?

  37. ShardReaperon 06 Sep 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I’m hoping to flesh out all seven of them fairly the same amount, yes.

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