Jun 11 2009
Shard Reaper’s Review Forum
Hello, I'm an assistant editor providing writing advice. SN specializes in superhero writing advice, obviously, but most of the advice here applies to fantasy and sci-fi as well.
Please see the comments below. Thanks!
For the moment, I’m working on a story under the working title “Project Hero”.
Synopsis: On November 17, 2093, everything was normal. Nothing was wrong… until the storm. On that day, a massive meteor storm tore the planets in chaos, creating terror and death across the galaxy. Fifteen years later, things have changed. People with strange abilites have been popping up all over as a result of the meteor storm. To prevent the situation from getting out of control, the Nara organization started Project: Hero. The purpose of the project is to give “mutants” a haven to practice their powers and make a difference.
Jake Parker is a mutant who’s always been on the wrong side of the gate. Since being forced to undergo mental therapy, Jake’s been given powers that take turns for the worst. When he’s finallly given the chance to be a Hero, Jake discovers that the stories about them that he’s heard are far different than than the actual job description as he and his comrades travel to recover stolen Hero technology, they rub shoulders with scientists, murderers and psychopaths.
Yeah, so I’m not so good with descriptions, but the main point is, it’s a superhero story about four guys on a simple mission and the not-so-simple steps of that mission. I’ll post up a chapter sometime later today.
Just a few initial thoughts:
– Have you seen Smallville? They all got their powers from a meteor as well. You may have to be careful reusing that premise.
– This is set eighty-six years in the future. Mine’s set forty-one years in the future, and I’m already having to put a huge amount of effort into the setting. You’re going to have to work really hard to make it realistic. So far in the future, it’s going to be nothing like today. How have things changed? What is civilization like so far in the future?
– Jake Parker. A late descendant of Peter Parker, AKA Spiderman? That may not be the best last name to use.
1. Yes, I’ve seen Smallville. I’m not gonna say that it’s completely original, but I’m not ripping it off. I think the best way I can describe it is using the meteor concept as a jumping off point. From there, I’d say things go a different direction. Plus, I don’t have my main character being the son of two farmers.
2. Aside from the technology, the galxy’s become populated with aliens, who possess their own planets and inhabit others. Most of Earth has become a hybrid of human and alien tech, which comes in the form of weapons, vehicles, and architecture. One alien race is the Xanardians, a group of reptilian aliens who place a huge emphasis on fighting and weaponry.
3. No. I never gave that a thought. Other names I came up with were Taylor, Cooper, and Carter, the last of which is my surname. If you have any ideas for what I should name him, please say so.
1. I wasn’t saying it was a bad idea, I was just saying that if you don’t make sure to stand apart, that’s what people will be reminded of.
2. Alright, so you’ve put some thought into it. Okay, if Earth’s got a bunch of alien technology, does that mean they have some resident aliens as well? If so, how does their presence affect society? Do they spread their beliefs to others? Do they adopt Earth’s? (These aren’t me saying you haven’t planned enough, just giving things to think on from a different point of view.)
3. Of the three, I like ‘Taylor’. Jay Cooper or Jay Carter would be fine, but since it’s Jake (with that ‘k’ sound), it’s a bit harder to pronounce the others.
Hmmm does it have to be a meteor? It could be something like a star, or a piece of another planet that was destroyed.
Ack I hate picking names but I like Taylor too. Like the name of the story.
1. Sorry if I came off as rude. That wasn’t my intention.
2. Yes, there are some resident aliens. Not a lot, but somewhere in the middle, and they’re all scattered around. Their prescene on Earth is sort of mixed; you have the human military enlisting aliens of all races, while other humans treat them like animals that need to be hunted (which sets up a lot of hostility; Karnak, one of Jake’s comrades, is Xanardian who despises humans for personal reasons). There are aliens like the shaman-esqe Astrians, who believe in destiny and that all the humans will someday accept the aliens; there the savage Ferals (title pending), who face stereotypes of being nothing but animals that can talk and stand on two legs; and the Kraalin which is a race that has managed to survive through cloning and feel that breeding with other races and biological enhancements are the key to evolution.
3. Since you and Cat like Taylor, I can go with that from now on. And to answer Cat’s question, the mystery of what caused the meteors to arrive is something that’ll be answered, not by this story but by the next (one can hope!).
Here’s a chapter that deals with Jake making the choice of becoming a Hero or being let go. It’s roughly the third or fourth chapter. I’ll post the first chapter in a few days once I get done typing it.
III: No Turning Back
The first thing that Jake did when he woke up the next day was eat breakfast. After hungrily chowing down on Fruit Loops, he put on a fresh pair of clothes (technically, they were hand-me-downs from a previous inhabitant, but that was unimportant) left his cell and headed straight for the armory.
The armory was where everything technical was. Armor, equipment, guns, vehicles, the armory had it all. In the middle of the armory were three men. One of them was the Doctor, looking at Jake with some small amount of smug satisfaction; the other was Griffin, a high ranking Hero that went by the codename Radar; the third was a reptilian alien wearing pale grey armor, arms crossed over his chest and looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. His left eye, glowing a dark red, whirred around different areas of the armory.
“Hello, Jacob.” the doctor spoke.
“The doctor and I have been watching you for a while.” Griffin interjected. “Since you’ve arrived, you’ve changed. You continue to evolve with powers, discovering new ways to use them. Your reflexes are at the top of our expectations. There may be a day when you will be one of the most powerful Heroes ever. So today, we’ve come to you with a choice. You can either leave this place for good, living a life wondering what could have been…”
“Or you can do something useful with your powers. Help people, find others like us, that sort of thing. Make something of yourself. Be a hero.”
“What’ll it be, kid?”
Jake played out scenarios in his head. If he left, he’d never have to take therapy. He could go back to the relatively normal life. Sure it’d take some adjusting to, but’d things be just like old times. But if he did, he’d leave behind Rachel, his friends, the oppurtunity of a lifetime. Ever since he discovered his powers, Jake wanted to help people. As much as he wanted to leave the facility for good, being a Hero was too good an oppurtunity to pass up.
“I’m staying.” Jake said aloud.
“You’re sure? You can’t change your decision afterwards.” the doctor warned.
“I know. But this is something I know I’ll kick myself for if I pass up.”
The doctor and Radar grinned at each other.
“Very well,” the doctor said, “follow Karnak,” the alien raised two fingers to identify himself, “to your new quarters, put on your uniform, and report to your base of operations to meet your new squad.”
Karnak turned around and walked, giving Jake a short moment to catch up and walk beside him.
“So, Karnak right? I’m Jake.”
Karnak said nothing. He just narrowed his eyes and kept walking.
“You’re a Xanardian aren’t you? Little shorter than the other ones, huh? Aren’t they like, 7′5, or something?” Jake continued.
“In response to questions, yes, my name’s Karnak. Yes I’m a Xan, yes, I’m short, and we’re usually 8′4. Not that you’d know anything about being tall.” Karnak responded icily.
Jake glared at him. The alien didn’t take well to jokes about height, obviously.
“I can control electricity. Makes me real useful during blackouts. And I can heal. What can you do?”
“Bone manipulation, teleportation, and weapon fusion. Currently, I’m working on inserting my weapons into my skeleton, mixing my two powers together.”
Karnak was really starting to get annoyed with the human, that much was obvious. But before anything could be done about silencing the boy, the two arrived at Jake’s new room. Everything from his old cell was there, down to the tiniest detail. On the center of his bed was a black suit with blue lines etched around the arms and legs. Next to the suit were two things: a pair of black gloves and a pair of grey combat boots with green LED lights on the sides.
“You’ve got five minutes.” Karnak simply stated before departing the room.
Jake closed the door and walked to the bed. After unfolding his suit, he quickly undressed and put on the suit.
‘Fits me perfectly,’ Jake thought.
He stared deeply at his hands, almost as if he was searching for some answers.
‘This is it. Point of no return. It’s my life now. I just hope that I know what I’m doing,’ Jake thought.
While Jake contemplated his future, three loud pounds came from the door.
“In a second!” Jake yelled.
Silently, he opened the door. Karnak stood in front of him, giving him a quick once-over before asking, “Are you ready?”
Jake took a deep breath. Without hesitation he nodded. Together, Karnak and Jake walked down the hall. Things were about to get interesting.
“Name: Taylor, Jake. Age: 23. Birthdate: 10/10/2085. Eye Color: Blue. Hair Color: Black. Species: Human. Abilities: Electricity Control, Enhanced Agility, Healing Factor. Notes: Taylor is extremely temperamental. Possesses great potential, but has yet to realize it. Was selected for promotion to Hero half a year ago, but dropped out due to undergoing mental and physical therapy. It is currently unknown how his abilities are progressing. Further studies are required.”- a therapist’s dossier on Jake Taylor. It is one of several files on Jake, as several doctors are dedicated to him.
A few thoughts on that chapter.
– Most people eat breakfast first thing in the morning. Therefore, the fact that Jake did isn’t anything odd. This makes it a pretty weak beginning, and even chapters (rather than entire books) need strong beginnings. Something like, “The first thing Jake did the next morning was punch his cellmate.” That would be a stronger beginning, because most people don’t punch someone first thing in the morning, so the reader would wonder why. (Plus, along those lines, word choice kinda sets the mood, and the insertion of ‘Fruit Loops’, even if that was really what he ate, kinda takes away from the militaristic mood.)
– This is nitpicky, just a wording thing, but when you’re saying how there are three people in the armory, instead of ‘the other’ being Radar, try ‘the second’. ‘The other’ implies that he’s the only other, rather than the second of three. Felt like I’d point that out, because I was a bit confused.
– The words you use to describe speech feel a bit off. Take this example:
“Hello, Jacob.” the doctor spoke.
“The doctor and I have been watching you for a while.” Griffin interjected. “Since you’ve arrived, you’ve changed. …”
I cut off the last bit of speech there, but the main part’s intact. I’m really not sure how to offer advice, but I can offer an example?
“Hello, Jacob,” the doctor offered in greeting, but Griffin continued from there.
“The doctor and I have been watching you for a while,” he explained. “Since you’ve arrived, you’ve changed. …”
Do you see the difference? I smoothed the transition from speaker to speaker out a bit. If you wanted to change it, but keep it mostly as-is, I’d replace ’spoke’ with ’said’, since ’spoke’ feels really out-of-place there, and replace ‘interjected’ with something simpler.
– Why is it Radar rather than the doctor telling him about how he’s evolving? Is Radar the leader of that little group?
– This seems too easy. They’re sitting there telling him ‘you’re evolving brilliantly, you’re gonna be the strongest hero ever, etc’… If I were them, I’d not tell him he’s going to be the strongest. That might put a confidence in his head that would drive him AWAY from them. Plus, if he’s gonna be so strong, do they really want him on the loose somewhere? At the very least, they’d give him no choice but to stay BECAUSE he’s going to be so strong. The choice he’d have to make was whether to be a prisoner or to accept it and be a hero.
– This is going to be one of those hard-to-explain things, but… This whole scene feels very superficial and generic. I can say this because the first draft of my story (before I rewrote a ton of it) had a scene EXACTLY LIKE THIS in chapter three. Not even kidding, same chapter number, if the prologue counts. She was suddenly in this superhero facility, top secret, and got the whole ‘you’re powerful’ talk, then had to choose whether to stay and help or walk right out. And, just like Jake, she took like ten seconds to think it over, then decided to stay, even though just like Jake, she was warned that it was permanent. Then, she was told to follow someone (ironically, the unnerving and silent one, just like in your chapter) to her new room. This may not be something you have to change, but it kinda makes me wonder, if two superhero-team-intro scenes are nearly identical, shouldn’t we the authors mix it up a bit?
That’s it. Overall, though, the chapter was better than a lot of others I’ve read.
Here are some thoughts and observations.
–The chapter title is ok.
–In the future, I’d recommend starting with chapter 1 and working your way from there. It’s usually a bit easier to follow it that way.
–I highly recommend starting the chapter with something more interesting and distinct than breakfast. Also, this story takes place around 2100, right? If so, I think that Fruit Loops will probably feel out of place.
–Getting dressed is another morning routine that is not particularly interesting. Readers are usually pretty good at inferring that the character gets changed every day, so that sort of detail is usually unnecessary.
“Armor, equipment, guns, vehicles, the armory had it all. In the middle of the armory were three men.” I feel that this could be more stylish. You could probably give the armory more personality by showing us that they have a lot of equipment than telling us that they are well-equipped. For example, maybe they have huge piles of guns lying around or whatever.
“In the middle of the armory were three men.” I’d recommend rewriting this sentence with an interesting verb. “Were” is passive. (Hopefully, something better than a variation of “standing,” too).
If possible, I’d recommend bringing this scene from 4 characters to 3. Right now, the passage where you introduce the three other characters is a bit cumbersome. “One of them was the Doctor, looking at Jake with some small amount of smug satisfaction; the other was Griffin, a high ranking Hero that went by the codename Radar; the third was a reptilian alien wearing pale grey armor, arms crossed over his chest and looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. His left eye, glowing a dark red, whirred around different areas of the armory.” If all three of these other characters are absolutely vital, it might be best to introduce the third as soon as he is necessary.
“Hello, Jacob.” the doctor spoke.” The first period should be a comma.
“‘The doctor and I have been watching you for a while.’ Griffin interjected.” Ditto.
“You continue to evolve with powers, discovering new ways to use them. Your reflexes are at the top of our expectations.” At this early point in the story, I think it would be more interesting if the side-characters weren’t so impressed by him. Make him work to impress them. Also, “are at the top of our expectations” is another long, passive phrase.
“There may be a day when you will be one of the most powerful Heroes ever.” Passive. I’d recommend something like “You might become one of the most powerful Heroes ever.” However, again, I feel that it is way too early for people to gush about the hero like this. Generally, a character is more impressive to readers when he has to earn the respect of the people around him.
So far, it feels like the piece is focusing on Jake’s capabilities at the expense of his personality. At the time Jake starts playing out scenarios in his head, I don’t feel like I know anything about his personality or voice or style. As a result, I think that he’s not enough of a presence here. To fix that, I’d recommend making him more distinct by giving him some personality traits and hopefully a flaw or two.
“Jake played out scenarios in his head. If he left, he’d never have to take therapy. He could go back to the relatively normal life. Sure it’d take some adjusting to, but’d things be just like old times. But if he did, he’d leave behind Rachel, his friends, the oppurtunity of a lifetime. Ever since he discovered his powers, Jake wanted to help people. As much as he wanted to leave the facility for good, being a Hero was too good an oppurtunity to pass up.” This narratorial exposition is long and slow. The character is just telling us what he thinks, which is sort of a dull way to convey information. I’d recommend moving it into action or dialogue. At the very least, moving it into dialogue will give you a chance to show us his voice.
“oppurtunity” should be spelled “opportunity.”
“we’ve come to you with a choice. You can either leave this place for good, living a life wondering what could have been…” Hmm. I feel like this sounds a bit like the scene in the Matrix where Neo is offered a red pill and a blue pill. Making your scene more distinct might help. In particular, I think that making some of the characters more skeptical of Jake could be effective.
“I know. But this is something I know I’ll kick myself for if I pass up.” This would be a lot more effective if we had seen beforehand that he was gutsy and curious. I’d really recommend setting that up in the first two chapters.
I like Karnak’s name.
The part where Jake chides Xan for being short could probably be made smoother and sharper. In particular, I’d like to see Xan defend himself by making fun of Jake, who appears to have committed a faux paus with a ranking officer. Maybe something like “You’re a bit slow for a human, aren’t you?”
“Jake glared at him. The alien didn’t take well to jokes about height, obviously.” First, it’s not obvious why Jake is glaring at him. Second, the statement that the alien didn’t take well to jokes about height could easily be removed because it’s obvious (as the narrator points out). Third, Jake didn’t actually make a joke, did he? It sounded just like he asked if the alien was short for his species.
“I can control electricity… what can you do?” It’s not clear who’s saying this.
“Karnak was really starting to get annoyed with the human, that much was obvious.” Please show this instead of telling us. Also, this is from Karnak’s perspective more than Jake’s. I’d recommend sticking with Jake as much as possible.
“…silencing the boy…” — also from Karnak’s perspective.
“This is it. Point of no return. It’s my life now. I just hope that I know what I’m doing,’ Jake thought.” Again, I think this is something that should be shown. For example, maybe he paces around the room or envisions some worst-case scenarios.
“Things were about to get interesting.” Again, show, don’t tell. I’d recommend instead giving us a piece of information to foreshadow something interesting that’s about to happen. For example, maybe a siren goes off and they’re called off to deal with some sudden new situation.
The therapist’s report says he is extremely temperamental, but I don’t think the story shows that. He doesn’t feel particularly temperamental.
I’d like the therapist’s report to focus more on why he’s not realizing his potential. Also, if he’s not realizing his potential, I think it would be best if the doctor and Radar bring that up. At the very least, they should have misgivings about whether he’s resolved the problem.
OK, I’ve finally had a chance to finish reading Marissa’s comments. (I prefer to do my own initial impression before reading what other people said).
–I agree wholeheartedly that the breakfast opening is not particularly effective.
–I agree that the phrase “Griffin interjected” would be smoother as “Griffin explained.”
–It’s definitely too easy. I’d really recommend making him prove himself.
–I agree that the underlying concept here (Jake deciding to join up with this organization) is superficial and generic. I suspect that making the characters more distinct– particularly Jake– would make this scene fresher and more interesting. Also, I’d recommend showing at more length both the things that encourage him to become a Hero and the things that discourage him. For example, maybe the doctor makes him watch a Hero surgery so that he gets a feel for the sort of operations they get. Maybe they make him watch videos of some of their more intense fights, too. It doesn’t feel like he knows anything about the kind of life he’s signing up for.
This is chapter three with the suggestions and criticisms you guys have given. Feedback is appreciated.
III: No Turning Back
The first thing that Jake did when he woke up the next day was leech the electricity from the lights above him. After a few minutes of push ups and throwing a few lightning bolts, he put on a fresh pair of clothes (technically, they were hand-me-downs from a previous inhabitant, but that was unimportant) left his cell and headed straight for the armory.
The armory was where everything physical was; armor, equipment, guns, vehicles, the armory was the cesspool for all Hero equipment, constantly kept up to date. In the middle of the armory were three men standing. One of them was the Doctor, looking at Jake with some small amount of smug satisfaction; the second was Griffin, a high ranking Hero that went by the codename Radar; the third was a reptilian alien wearing pale grey armor, arms crossed over his chest and looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. His left eye, glowing a dark red, whirred around different areas of the armory.
“Hello, Jacob.” the doctor greeted.
“The doctor and I have been watching you for a while.” Griffin continued. “Since you’ve arrived, you’ve changed. Aside from a few… setbacks, you’re coming just in line with our expectations. So, the doctor and I feel that it’s time for you to get out there, show your stuff. Today, we’ve come to you with a choice. You can either leave this place for good, living a life wondering what could have been…”
“Or you can do something useful with your powers. Help people, find others like us, that sort of thing. Make something of yourself. Be a hero.”
“What’ll it be, kid?”
Jake played out scenarios in his head. If he left, he’d never have to take therapy. He could go back to the relatively normal life. Sure it’d take some adjusting to, but’d things be just like old times. But if he did, he’d leave behind Rachel, his friends, the opportunity of a lifetime. Ever since he discovered his powers, Jake wanted to help people. As much as he wanted to leave the facility for good, being a Hero was too good an opportunity to pass up.
“I’m staying.” Jake said aloud.
“You’re sure? You can’t change your decision afterwards.” the doctor warned.
“I know. But this is something I know I’ll kick myself for if I pass up.”
The doctor and Radar grinned at each other.
“Very well,” the doctor said, “follow Karnak,” the alien raised two fingers to identify himself, “to your new quarters, put on your uniform, and report to your base of operations to meet your new squad.”
Karnak turned around and walked, giving Jake a short moment to catch up and walk beside him.
“So, Karnak right? I’m Jake.”
Karnak said nothing. He just narrowed his eyes and kept walking.
“You’re a Xanardian aren’t you? Little shorter than the other ones, huh? Aren’t they like, 7′5, or something?” Jake continued.
“In response to questions, yes, my name’s Karnak. Yes I’m a Xan, yes, I’m short, and we’re usually 8′4. Not that you’d know anything about being tall.” Karnak responded icily.
“I’m fine for my species. Most humans are my height.”
“Sure, if they came from that television show about the blue gremlin-like creatures that live in the Earth forests.
Jake glared at him. The alien didn’t take well to jokes about height, obviously.
“I can control electricity. Makes me real useful during blackouts. And I can heal. What can you do?” Jake continued.
“Bone manipulation, teleportation, and weapon fusion. Currently, I’m working on inserting my weapons into my skeleton, mixing my two powers together.”
Jake knew he was getting on Karnak’s nerves. On one hand, he should’ve stopped once he heard the words “bone manipulation”; on the other, teasing the straight-faced Xan was too good to pass up. But before anything else could be said, the two arrived at Jake’s new room. Everything from his old cell was there, down to the tiniest detail. On the center of his bed was a black suit with blue lines etched around the arms and legs. Next to the suit were two things: a pair of black gloves and a pair of grey combat boots with green LED lights on the sides.
“You’ve got five minutes.” Karnak simply stated before departing the room.
Jake closed the door and walked to the bed. After unfolding his suit, he quickly undressed and put on the suit.
‘Fits me perfectly,’ Jake thought.
He stared deeply at his hands, almost as if he was searching for some answers. In his head, he played out different scenarios. He thought about Rachel; what would she do if he actually died, for good? What if he screwed up? If he accidentally killed the wrong person, or blew up half a city?
‘Okay, that’s stupid,’ Jake chided that last thought. ‘I could blow up three-fourths of a city, if I put my mind to it.’
Still staring at his hands, three loud pounds came from the door.
“In a second!” Jake yelled.
Silently, he opened the door. Karnak stood in front of him, giving him a quick once-over before asking, “Are you ready?”
Jake took a deep breath. Without hesitation he nodded. Together, Karnak and Jake walked down the hall.
‘This is the hard part.’ Jake thought. ‘The rest is a cakewalk.’
“Name: Taylor, Jake (Codename: N/A). Age: 23. Birthdate: 10/10/2085. Eye Color: Blue. Hair Color: Black. Species: Human. Abilities: Electricity Control, Enhanced Agility, Healing Factor. Notes: Taylor is extremely saracastic, to the point of extreme annoyance. Possesses great potential, but has yet to realize it; needs to go on assignments to allow further ability progression. Was selected for promotion to Hero half a year ago, but dropped out due to undergoing mental and physical therapy. It is currently unknown how his abilities are progressing. Further studies are required.”- a therapist’s dossier on Jake Taylor. It is one of several files on Jake, as several doctors are dedicated to him.
This is gonna come off weird, but does anyone have any knowledge on how to start a private military company? It’s vital for a part of the story. Basically, Jake and his teammates head to Japan to find Kessler, a guy who’s vital to their mission. I also need help for other locations. Currently it’s alien based, but I’m interested in earth locations as well.
When you say a private military company, do you mean something large and corporate, like Blackwater? Or something small and fairly primitive, like a band of mercenaries?
Blackwater.
Let me know if any of this sounds useful.
You’d get a group of elite soldiers together, probably soldiers that served together. For example, a lot of the leading figures behind Blackwater are ex-SEALs. For whatever reason, they decide that working for the Navy SEALs just isn’t worth it anymore, so they sell their services to government agencies or private clients. For example, Blackwater does a lot of work providing security for State Department personnel in Iraq.
I imagine that the company would have to go through a complicated registration process, but that doesn’t sound very interesting, so I’d recommend leaving that out.
Then you’d start gathering assets like your own vehicles, your own training facilities, etc. This is important because they no longer have access to their military equipment. Also, the equipment and training probably have to be better than what the military has, because these guys have to be better than what the government already has.
At some point, the firm would have to start gathering up team-members. These would be really, really competent soldiers. Their motivations would probably look like some combination of the following.
1) The pay is much better.
2) There’s much less paperwork and red tape.
3) Working with a private firm is often less frustrating than working for the government. Expectations are clearer and it’s easier to relate to the new bosses (who are also hungry, elite ex-soldiers). A History Channel documentary on the Navy SEALs mentioned that sometimes SEALs develop closer ties to each other than to their own families. Who else can relate to what a special forces officer goes through?
4) The soldier might feel that his advancement opportunities are limited within the military. He might have a serious blot on his record or his commanding officer might be trying to get rid of him, for example.
Here’s chapter 4!
IV: Show and Tell
“Is there anything that I need to know about my teammates?” Jake asked.
Karnak thought about that for a moment before answering, “Yes. They’re both brothers, one is an alcoholic, and the other was an addict. And whatever you do, don’t say anything regarding females.”
Jake was about to ask why until the doors to their headquarters opened. In the center was a table where two men sat. One had dirty blonde hair with a pair of submachine guns on the table, taken apart like a frog. He wore a sleeveless white jacket with a green shirt under it. His eyes were covered by a pair of orange-colored goggles. The other man had short brown hair, wearing a red shirt. Jake noticed that his left arm was completely mechanical, colored with a grey sheen, scrubbed furiously by his right hand.
“Hey, Karny,” the man with the guns started, “You get the rookie yet?”
“Hoping you got another boy toy, Alan?” the man with the arm joked.
“Not really, Derek. I’m more interested in seeing that healing power of his. Heard that one time, he got hit so hard, it took an hour for his skin to heal.”
“I heard that he killed a guy by sucking the blood from his body.”
“Actually,” Jake interjected, “I leeched the bioelectricity in him. I’m not a vampire.”
Derek and Alan looked up. Both of them cleared their throats and stood up from their seats.
“Derek, Alan, this is Jake Taylor. He’s our rookie.”
Alan and Derek grabbed Jake’s hands and shook them harshly.
“Hey, Jake… sorry about those rumors. You hear things and just can’t help but talk about them, you know?” Derek grinned.
“It’s cool,” Jake put up his hands in a defensive position, “Not the first time it’s happened.”
“Now that we’ve got the introductions out of the way, I think we should be heading out. The pilot got real smart with me, and it took everything I had not to pin him to his seat.” Karnak fumed silently.
“You got it, team leader.” Alan saluted him lazily.
Alan and Derek grabbed their things off the table and followed Karnak and Jake to the hangar. In front of the bay doors was a sleek black jet with a symbol of a fireball and a fist crossed over each other in the shape of an ‘x’. A small flight of stairs descended from the side of the jet. The foursome walked into the jet. All four of them sat on the right side, straight across from the airlock.
“We’re all in. Fly this bird!” Alan cheered.
Within seconds, the bay doors opened and the jet took off into the sky.
“So what’s our target, Karny?” Derek asked.
“According to the intel report,” Karnak started, “one of our outposts was attacked four days ago. We’ve lost contact with them, but the outpost itself is still up and running. In the past two days, the outpost has had transports coming in. The outpost’s energy levels have gotten extremely high. And we think we know why.”
“The datacore?” Alan guessed.
“Yes.”
“What’s a datacore?” Jake asked.
“Datacores are what Heroes use to preserve information. The datacores are encrypted both technologically and physically, so you can’t hack or force your way into it. The only way you could access its properties is if you had a Level 3-Omega Decryptor or a Disintegrator capable of cutting through Irodium.” Derek explained.
“Whatever’s on the datacore’s got the higher-ups and tech heads pissing their pants.” Alan murmured.
“And they want us to recover it.” Jake surmised.
“Yep.”
“So, here’s the plan. Deadeye and I will pick off any guards outside the outpost. If there aren’t any, then we’ll we’ll both make our way in via the garage. Before we get in, Leech”, Karnak looked at Derek, “you and Megawatt will find the power boxes and drain all the outposts power. If I’m right, the guards inside will try to bring the power back on.
“How are gonna know if they put the power back on?” Derek asked.
“Oddly enough, the intel said that the intruders left communications on. Which means it could be a trap.
“Once they start trying to bring the power on, you two will put the energy back in the power box, and all the doors should be open for a brief moment before closing. In that short time, Deadeye and I will sneak in to the garage, where we’ll make our way to the elevator and wait for you two. You guys will have to take out any guards you see, because the second we activate the elevator the cameras will alert them to our presence and they’ll be all over us once we reach the top floor.”
“Yeah, I have a question.” Jake spoke up.
“What the hell is up with my name? Megawatt? Seriously?”
“Everyone’s got a codename, kid.” Alan replied. “I’m Deadeye, Derek’s Leech, and Karnak’s Arsenal.”
“Yeah, I don’t mind that, except for the part where my codename sucks. Really, do you just rifle through comics looking for superhero names?” Jake chuckled.
“Well we looked through your file and we were gonna give you Electro, but that was sort of taken at the moment.” Derek grinned.
“Moving on,” Karnak stressed, “once we take out everyone, we take the datacore and head home so the techies can crack it and find out what’s on it. Any questions?”
“Just one.” Derek interjected.
“When do we get there?”
Less than a second after Derek said that, the seats and floor underneath them slipped out from under them, leaving them hanging in midair before gravity returned. While Derek and Jake descended to the ground, Karnak’s suit shot out two pods from his back. Jets of fire emerged from the pods as Karnak flew towards Alan, grabbing him under his shoulders. Derek closed his eyes, and in a flash he teleported into thin air. Jake closed his eyes and braced himself for the impact of his feet hitting the hard concrete of the city’s bridge.
“Name: Brock, Alan (Codename: Deadeye). Age: 34. Birthdate: 8/25/2074. Eye Color: Gold. Hair Color: Blonde. Abilities: Ice Manipulation, Superhuman Accuracy. Species: Human. Notes: Brock, although he might not look the part, is highly intelligent. In all of his missions, he has feigned capture to get more information from the enemy, and also has the technological skills to create custom weapons from other weapons with double the effectiveness of both. He’s made his own gadgets from old Hero technology into his own with vast improvements.”- a dossier on Alan. The information was obtained only after Alan willingly gave the doctor that information…by smacking the doctor in the face with an autobiography Alan wrote during his spare time.
V: Workplace War
When someone lands on the ground after falling from a very high altitude, the sound of a sick crunching sound follows their blunt impact. Most, if not all people died upon impact. Jake Taylor was one of the ones who survived. Although the sound of his legbones cracking and blood covering a good portion of his face said otherwise, Jake was not dead. He was very much alive well and angry after having to wait for his bones to rearrange himself. Shortly after, Derek appeared beside him while Karnak and Alan descended in front of the two.
“You could warn someone before you do that.” Jake snapped.
“And miss you shorten yourself like a hamburger?” Alan laughed.
“Karnak, what do you see?” Derek cut in.
Alan and Karnak each took out an Incarcerator sniper rifle in response. On the top of the outpost were three guards with assault rifles. Ground level were two by the garage and five patrolling the front.
“Which ones do you want?” Alan asked.
“The two by the garage and one at the top.” Karnak replied.
“You get the first shot.”
“I usually do.”
Swiftly, Karnak fired a shot at one of the guards on the roof, smirking as his body slumped. Taking adavantage of the others’ confusion, Alan fired at the last two guards on the roof and the five at the front. Karnak finished it off with two bullets at the guards by the garage.
“That’s all of them. Leech, Megawatt, go.” Karnak ordered.
Derek and Jake jumped off the bridge and started to cross the highway to the outpost.
“That gate up ahead looks pretty thick.” Jake observed. “How are we gonna get through it?”
“Leave that to me.” Derek answered.
Without taking his eyes off the gate, Derek leaped into the air and smashed his mechanical fist into the gate, knocking it off its hinges. Derek tapped the comlink on his ear and asked, “We’re at the outpost, what now?”
“You know what to do, idiot,” Alan chided. “You kill the power in the outpost so we can sneak in. We’re heading to the garage now.”
Derek turned off his com and started to look around for the power box. After a few looks around, he tapped his comlink again.
“Megawatt, you find the control box?”
“Yeah. Up on the roof.” Jake answered.
Derek looked up and saw Jake grinning at him.
“You coming up here anytime soon?” Jake cried.
Derek teleported next to Jake in less than a second.
“Yeah.” Derek said.
The two put their hands on the control box and started to suck the energy out of it. For Derek, it was old hat but Jake, it hurt like hell. He’d only absorb electricity in small dosages, but this… this was like being set on fire. Jake squirmed in pain as the electricity snaked around his arms. Finally, Jake collapsed to the ground, filled with enough electricity to power three neighboorhoods. Shortly after, Derek let go and kneeled beside him, rubbing his normal hand. With minimal effort, Derek switched his comlink’s frequency to the outpost’s channel.
“What the hell happened?” a voice screamed in his ear.
“What’s it look like genius? The power’s out.” a gravely voice remarked snidely.
“Well fix it.”
“How? Clap twice?”
“Start pressing buttons. Maybe there’s a switch or something.”
Derek could hear the other man grumble as he started tapping random buttons.
“Kid,” Derek turned to Jake, “put some of the juice back in.”
Without a word, Jake raised his hands and poured electricity back into the control box, watching the lights spark to green.
“Megawatt to Deadeye, power’s green across the board. The garage door should be opening.” Jake sighed.
Alan and Karnak watched as the garage door opened swiftly. Without thinking Karnak had activated his jetpack, grabbed Alan from under his shoulders and flew them inside the garage just as the door closed. Silently, the two landed behind a stack of jeeps.
“We’re in.” Karnak whispered into his comlink.
“Got it. We’ll head to the elevator.” Derek responded.
Alan rifled through his backpack, took out two silenced assault rifles, and handed one to Karnak. The two slowly edged their way around the jeeps, guns at the ready. At the same time they moved in front of the jeeps, checking for any guards hiding.
“Weird. You’d think they’d have this place more secure.” Alan mused.
“Are you complaining?” Karnak raised an eyebrow.
“No. Just making an observation, is all.
“Well observe while we head to the elevator.”
Alan nodded half-heartedly and followed Karnak out the garage. Neither of them noticed the cameras above the garage door were paying attention to their every move.
“How much farther?” Jake whispered.
He and Derek were inside the outpost, taking cover around the corner and out of sight from a guard close to nodding off.
“Just around the corner and up the stairs. If we can get this guy to count sheep for good, we can move.” Derek replied.
In response, Jake pointed at a set of wires that trailed all the way around the corner behind the guard. With a snap of his fingers, electricity poured out and arced along the walls before trailing to the guard, whose eyes widened as he was painfully electrocuted before collapsing to the ground.
“He’s asleep.” Jake simply stated.
Derek moved his head around the corner to check. Sure enough, the guard was out like a light. Both of them stepped out of cover, went around the corner and up the stairs, where Alan and Karnak were waiting for them.
“Take long enough?” Alan teased.
“We would’ve gotten here sooner if Megawatt here just did as I said and bioleeched everyone. But nope, he was too scared.” Derek glared at Jake.
“I told you, I haven’t done it in months. If I don’t do something after so long, it dries up, you know?” Jake countered.
“Focus!” Karnak snapped. “There’ll be time to argue later. Right now, we need to use the elevator get up to the top floor, get the datacore, and head home.”
“How are we gonna get up there?” Jake looked up.
When he looked back down, he saw Karnak Derek and Alan shooting him death glares. Eventually, the realization hit him like a slap to the face. Jake opened the elevator doors and waited for the others to get in before closing the doors. Electricity shot out of his arms as the elevator began to rise. Nearly two minutes of silence passed before Jake had to stop the elevator and catch his breath. After half a second, Jake started the elevator again. Derek and Karnak looked up, waiting to arrive at the elevator door.
“Leech, get ready.” Karnak ordered.
“Great,” Derek deadpanned, “I get to be the raging bull, again. That never gets old.”
“Shut up, Derek.” Alan snapped.
“I mean, why use a walking eel, a gun-crazy alcoholic, or an alien who takes his own bones out of his body, when you can use the guy who absorbs things to take out a room full of enemies? It makes so much sense if you think about it.”
“Here we are,” Jake cut in, “top floor.
Derek reached for his mechanical arm and touched it, letting the arm’s metal coat him in a gray sheen.
“Time to go to work.” Derek whispered.
The second the doors opened, Derek lept out of the elevator and toward gunfire from all sides. Without paying the others any attention, Derek lunged to the first man in front of him, snapped his neck and picked up his gun before grabbing the other guy in front of him and throwing him at two guards to his right. Turning his attention the guards on his left, Derek riddled them both with bullets, allowing himself a satisfactory smirk. He saw Alan, Karnak and Jake come out of the elevator, looking equally satisfied with Derek’s kill count. Alan made a slight nod forward before Derek launched his arms in the shape of an ‘l’, fists closed, hitting whoever it was trying to get the jump on him.
“Is that all? Last time, there was three times as many guys in here.” Derek boasted.
Karnak walked up to him, grabbed the datacore off the table, and examined it. It was no bigger than a human baseball; a green light shone brightly in the center, showing numbers and letters spinning around in a way that a globe did. Karnak clicked the datacore’s sides with his fingers, eyes widening as the datacore’s center shot off a beam of light. The light flickered before showing a 3-D hologram of a body, arms spread out, legs straight together. Several parts of the body were highlighted in different colors, with very text text written beside them.
“Can you read it?” Derek asked.
“Yes, just let me get my human librarian glasses.” Karnak smiled wryly.
The 3-D hologram soon started to fade back into the datacore, leaving the light less bright than it originally was. Karnak didn’t know anything about the datacore’s contents, but he knew a lot of people who’d have a field day figuring out all the datacore’s bells and whistles. All that was needed was a ride home.
Name: Brock, Derek (Codename: Leech). Age: 32. Birthdate: 3/2/2076. Eye Color: Brown. Hair Color: Brown. Abilites: Energy Absorption and Manipulation, Teleportation, Physical Transmutation. Species: Human. Notes: Brock is extremely dangerous. Known for frequent fits of rage due to relapse from drugs. Once, when angered, it took twenty-five tranquilizers to put him down. When speaking to him, keep him as neutral or happy as possible.”-psychological evaluation on Derek. Several parts of that note are, to Derek, greatly innacurate and overhype his anger issues. The doctor taking said notes later ended up with four broken fingers and his arm dislocated.
VI: Follow the Yellow-Arrow Road
“The information just popped up? No special code or anything?”
“Nope,” Alan shook his head, “they must’ve just cracked it before we went up there and killed them all. So can you find out what else is on there?”
The tech-head spun the datacore around, eyes trailing every inch of it. Without taking his eyes off it, he tapped the holo-screen in front of him and started to type on the virtual keyboard.
“If I find anything, I’ll message you,” the tech-head stated.
With nothing else to say, Alan walked off to find the others back at the cafeteria. Jake and Derek were eating their hamburgers, while Karnak was watching one of the thirty-seven news stations, eyes flittering between stock markets, recent murders worthy enough to make the news, and talk show hosts feuding over celebrity scandals.
“Well?” Karnak said.
“He said he’ll let us know if he finds anything.” Alan grabbed some of Jake’s fries and sat next to Karnak. “You guys do the briefing yet?”
“Yeah,” Jake nodded. “Told ‘em everything. No other questions, no inquiries. Told us we did a good job and that was it. Is that all I’m gonna be looking forward to with this job?”
“Not unless you do the real grimy and dirty stuff, kid. Assassinating corrupt leaders, single-handedly rescuing a whole species from extinction, stuff like that.” Derek answered.
“Great. At least I get to hang out with Rachel before her next assignment.”
Derek and Alan’s ears perked up.
“Who’s Rachel?” they asked simultaneously.
“My girlfr–” Jake stopped . Straight across from him, Karnak turned his head in a full three-hundred-sixty degree spin and shook his head. “Nothing. She’s nothing.” Jake whispered.
“No, she’s definetely something. You got that look in your eye when you started to talk about her.” Alan pointed out.
“You were about to say she’s your girlfriend, weren’t you?” Derek smiled brightly. Then, his happy mood changed as he glared at his brother.
“Hear that Alan? He’s got a girl. So be nice and try not to screw him over.”
“And here, we, go.” Karnak announced aloud.
Alan stood up from his seat. “We really gonna go over this again?”
“Not much to go over. I loved a girl, she loved me. We were gonna get married, you screwed me over and when I caught you in the act, you tried to pass it off as her being unfaithful.” Derek explained.
“I keep telling you, she was coming on to me. I was minding my own business when she comes into my room and starts trying to make out with me. She wasn’t even that attractive!”
“Sure, play the victim. That’s a new routine. Dad was right about you: once a liar, always a liar.” Derek grimaced.
“You know,” Alan chuckled, “that’s real funny coming from the same dad who shirked off teaching his kid how to ride a bike his first time for tickets to a football game with his old college buddies.”
“You wanna dance, bro?”
“Sure. But I you’ll have to excuse me; I’ve got two left feet.”
Alan drew out two guns from his backpack and aimed them at his brother. Derek tossed the table to the side and absorbed the floor. At the same time, both started to move closer–
ZOOM!
Until they were both knocked backwards on their feet. The brothers’ eyes looked for the source for the blast before settling on Karnak, his hands in the shape of two fans.
“Enough. This argument has long since gotten old, and you two can barely talk to each other like adults. Worse, you’ll have the higher-ups on my ass, again. So stop it!” Karnak barked.
Embarassed, Derek and Alan stood up, giving other passerbys death glares.
“I just got a call from the techie. He needs to see us.” Jake spoke up.
Grudgingly, the brothers and Karnak followed Jake back to the tech room. As the brothers walked ahead, Karnak grabbed Jake by the throat, lifting him slightly off the ground.
“What did I tell you? I told you specifically not mention females around them!” Karnak snapped.
“You didn’t tell me they’d go ballistic on each other.” Jake countered.
“It doesn’t matter! Whether either of them will admit it, whatever happened between them and that females obviously fractured both of their minds. It’s only a matter of time until they go at each other when no one’s around. And I’ve already got enough problems on my back.”
Karnak let go of Jake, setting him on the floor.
“Don’t make me tell you again.” Karnak growled, walking away.
Jake waited about a minute before catching up to his teammates. A few minutes later, they arrived in the tech room, meeting up with Jones, the one they gave the datacore to. All four pairs of eyes widened as they saw the Champion standing beside him. The Champion wore a business suit, black slacks and tie down to the Italian loafers. His eyes were covered by a pair of red sunglasses, and his neatly trimmed goatee gave him an air of authority and fear.
“Gentlemen,” the Champion spoke in a deep voice.
Quickly, Derek Karnak and Alan put their right hands to their chests as a symbol of greeting and respect. Jake, being the odd man out, followed suit lazily.
“That’s good boys, stand down. First off, I just want to say job well done on recovering the datacore.” the Champion smiled.
“And compliments to you, Jacob.” his eyes moved to Jake. “You’re really getting better with that leeching ability. Most first-time absorbers can’t even hold a third as much energy as you did.”
“I’ve had a lot of practice sir,” Jake’s eyes darted around. “Thank you.”
“Now let’s cut to the chase. Jones here says that the datacore started to reveal information to you? Strictly classified information?” At the words strictly classified, Karnak winced. He knew that he was the one who messed with the datacore and, albeit unknowingly, displayed said classified information.
“With all respect sir,” Derek started, “we were unaware of the sensitivity of the datacore’s contents. The briefing just said it was of high importance to recover.”
“I see.” the Champion nodded. “And what exactly did the datacore show you?
“Well, it was odd sir. From what we could tell, it was just a 3-D model of a human with various body parts highlighted. Nothing majorly revealing.” Alan murmured.
“I see. Boys, I’ll be truthful to you, but if any other of your superiors asks, it was a rumor you overheard. Five years ago, a group of scientists from the Nara Corporation worked to create a new breed of life, the next stage of evolution. It was meant to have the tools to combat any situation it encountered, using abilities gained from…”
“Mutants.” the four whispered.
“Correct. We called it Operation: OMEGA. It took us a while, but we ended up with a group of supermutants to take down a small star system. The only problem was that all of them were either mentally and physically destroyed, or unlucky to end up with complete control over their powers, but a warped mind. Eventually we shut the operation down and kept the notes on datacores, hoping for the time when we had supermutants bred to perfection.”
“But what happened to the scientists?” Karnak asked.
“We used Michael to erase the memories of the operation from their minds and let them resume their normal lives.” the Champion continued. “Years passed, until all that remained was an extremely bitter memory. And then, a few months ago, while keeping surveillance on the scientists, we discovered that one of them had stolen a datacore with some of the information vital to the operation.”
“We don’t know how he managed to piece together what parts of his memories he lost, but we do know that if one has their memories intact, the others must as well.”
“And you want us to find the scientists and take back the datacores they stole.” Jake said.
“No, and yes. When you find the scientists, I want you to kill them. On the chance that any of them are working with our enemies, they can’t be left alive, unless we want to pay for it when an army comes to destroy us all. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes sir!” four voices chorused.
“Good. Your first target will be briefed to you on the way to his last known location. Dismissed.”
Giving the Champion the good-bye salute, the four gathered their things and headed for the hangar bay. Within a few minutes, the hangar doors opened and the jet took off.
Name: Paras, Karnak (Codename: Arsenal). Age: 19. Birth date: 4/3/2089. Eye Color: Dull grey, with red robot eye. Hair Color: None. Abilities: Teleportation, Weapon Fusion, Bone Manipulation. Species: Xanardian. Notes: Karnak is, in the words of his teammates, “the most unnerving being, human or otherwise, to ever exist in the history of the universe.” While true, it is worth mentioning that Karnak has two things that could set him off: his father and Raxus. Whatever emotional damage they’ve given to Karnak remains to be seen.”- an audio diary about Karnak after a monthly physical. Unlike the last one, the physician did not end up impaled on the wall through his shoulder.
All right, the Revised Chapter Three:
Pluses:
1. I like the way you’ve changed things up by having Jake drain the electricity from the lights (cool visual there).
2. The dialogue between Jake and the Three folks (Doctor, Radar, and Karnak) comes off better then before.
3. Karnak and Jake dialogue is good, natural and gives off the feeling that Karnak really would rather be somewhere else.
4. Jake’s thoughts on his decision are rather natural.
Minuses:
1. I’m getting lost a little in the dialogue between the Three and Jake.
“Hello, Jacob.” the doctor greeted.
“The doctor and I have been watching you for a while.” Griffin continued. “Since you’ve arrived, you’ve changed. Aside from a few… setbacks, you’re coming just in line with our expectations. So, the doctor and I feel that it’s time for you to get out there, show your stuff. Today, we’ve come to you with a choice. You can either leave this place for good, living a life wondering what could have been…”
“Or you can do something useful with your powers. Help people, find others like us, that sort of thing. Make something of yourself. Be a hero.”
“What’ll it be, kid?”
I can tell it kinda alternates there between the Doctor and Griffin, but I tend to lose track after Griffin’s first comments. Some attribution (who said what) would be good to help break things up here. Add in some details on what Griffin and the Doctor are doing with their faces/hands/eyes when speaking to Jake about this. Are they happy? Does Jake detect a bit of uneasiness from them?
2. Jake really seems like a good guy from the start-exercises in the morning, likes to help people, really feels the need to be a “hero.” He seems a rather…candy coated guy. Conflict is what drives stories, so I ask what conflict can he bring to this? Does he get along with everyone? Are the comments with Karnak a sign that he doesn’t like the aliens on Earth?
I’d like to see more on him fleshed out; perhaps in the earlier chapters this occurs, but operating purely on what I see here.
Other comments:
1. Jake’s powers are really, really close to those of a character in a video game called “Infamous”, which just came out for the PS3 in May. The main guy in “Infamous” has the exact same powers in the game. I don’t know if you knew this, but I would consider changing the healing power (as it isn’t commonly tied to electric superheroes) to something else.
2. I saw mention in one of the earlier comments about a guy named Kessler. Again, “Infamous” uses a person by this same name as the main villain. I would consider changing the name to avoid any confusion and potential legal troubles.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infamous_(video_game)#Plot
^that’s the link for reference. Hope this helps.
1. Jake has that hero complex (irony, no?) because he lost control and hurt his girlfriend and his brother. It’s this event that led to Project Hero finding Jake and his friends. And then he accidentally killed someone during his time at Project Hero, dubbed the “emergence” stage. He’s still coming to grips with what he can do, so he figures that joining the Heroes will make up for the things he did in the past.
2. I’ll edit the “Jake and the Three” part by lowering it down to two. I’ll just scrap the doctor to make it less confusing.
3. Yeah, I did hear about Infamous (great game, buy it!). I’ll change Kessler’s name to Wayne from now on. I’m not sure how the healing problem would cause trouble (the healing comes from the electricity running through Jake’s body, keeping his heart beating, as opposed to the main character in Infamous who has to absorb electricity or stay out of danger to heal). Just in case, I’ll change Jake’s ability slightly, once I find out how.
1. I figured that would be there earlier in the story and I like that much better. Does explain his “hero complex” (very ironic!) and why he seems so hellbent on being a do gooder (I hope one of your characters points this out-it seems far too good to pass up on).
2. The Doctor is rather redundant. Jake isn’t being given a physical, not told to “Turn and cough.” so I think letting the Doctor go (does he have another name?) is fine.
3. I totally have it! Bought it about a month ago and I LOVE it. Beat it as both a good guy and a bad guy. Kessler to Wayne-cool. I just invent names for my guys (Boval actually isn’t a name-or at least a very common one anyway, and that’s why it sounded so perfect for my scientist/a hole character LOL!).
Great stuff.
1. The doctor’s real name is Peter Black. He can read minds, so he takes up the psychiatrist part of the job. But “psychiatrist” doesn’t flow as well as “doctor”, because “psych” intends that someone was joking.
2. There’ll be a few points where someone like the hot-tempered Derek or straight man Karnak will call him on it. After [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED], Jake decides to let his comic-book morals go.
3. That game was an inspiration to use electric powers (that, and Static, Electro, I think Storm was part of it). Plus, electricity is kinda cool because in a modern world, it makes ton of sense to have, aside from earth. Did you read any other chapters?
I’m working on 4 now. I need to hit the bed though; work in the morning. Once I get back I’ll give you my thoughts.
See ya, man. Have a nice weekend.
Chapter IV Review
Pluses:
1. I like the way the team is assembled quickly for a mission. No time to stew, fast and furious.
2. Jake’s personality seems to be emerging here. The bit with comic books names was good.
Minuses:
1. I still seem to be getting lost in the dialogue. I’m having to backtrack a bit to figure out who says what. I would like some attribution and seeing what the characters are actually doing.
2. The dialogue seems filled with unfamiliar concepts to the reader. I’d like Jake to ask what a Level 3 (insert word here) decryptor is.
Otherwise, decent chapter.
Here’s chapter 4 redone!
IV: Show and Tell
“Is there anything that I need to know about my teammates?” Jake asked.
Karnak thought about that for a moment before answering, “Yes. They’re both brothers, one is an alcoholic, and the other was an addict. And whatever you do, don’t say anything regarding females.”
Jake was about to ask why until the doors to their headquarters opened. In the center was a table where two men sat. One had dirty blonde hair with a pair of submachine guns on the table, taken apart like a frog. He wore a sleeveless white jacket with a green shirt under it. His eyes were covered by a pair of orange-colored goggles. The other man had short brown hair, wearing a red shirt. Jake noticed that his left arm was completely mechanical, colored with a grey sheen, scrubbed furiously by his right hand.
“Hey, Karny,” the man with the guns started, “You get the rookie yet?”
“Hoping you got another boy toy, Alan?” the man with the arm joked.
“Not really, Derek. I’m more interested in seeing that healing power of his. Heard that one time, he got hit so hard, it took an hour for his skin to heal.”
“I heard that he killed a guy by sucking the blood from his body.”
“Actually,” Jake interjected, “I leeched the bioelectricity in him. I’m not a vampire.”
Derek and Alan looked up. Both of them cleared their throats and stood up from their seats.
“Derek, Alan, this is Jake Taylor. He’s our rookie.”
Alan and Derek grabbed Jake’s hands and shook them harshly.
“Hey, Jake… sorry about those rumors. You hear things and just can’t help but talk about them, you know?” Derek grinned.
“It’s cool,” Jake put up his hands in a defensive position, “Not the first time it’s happened.”
“Now that we’ve got the introductions out of the way, I think we should be heading out. The pilot got real smart with me, and it took everything I had not to pin him to his seat.” Karnak fumed silently.
“You got it, team leader.” Alan saluted him lazily.
Alan and Derek grabbed their things off the table and followed Karnak and Jake to the hangar. In front of the bay doors was a sleek black jet with a symbol of a fireball and a fist crossed over each other in the shape of an ‘x’. A small flight of stairs descended from the side of the jet. The foursome walked into the jet. All four of them sat on the right side, straight across from the airlock.
“We’re all in. Fly this bird!” Alan cheered.
Within seconds, the bay doors opened and the jet took off into the sky.
“So what’s our target, Karny?” Derek asked.
“According to the intel report,” Karnak started, “one of our outposts was attacked four days ago. We’ve lost contact with them, but the outpost itself is still up and running. In the past two days, the outpost has had transports coming in. The outpost’s energy levels have gotten extremely high. And we think we know why.”
“The datacore?” Alan guessed.
“Yes.”
“What’s a datacore?” Jake asked.
“Datacores are what Heroes use to preserve information. The datacores are encrypted both technologically and physically, so you can’t hack or force your way into it. The only way you could access its properties is if you had a Level 3-Omega Decryptor or a Disintegrator capable of cutting through Irodium.” Derek explained.
“Whatever’s on the datacore’s got the higher-ups and tech heads pissing their pants.” Alan murmured.
“And they want us to recover it.” Jake surmised.
“Yep.” Alan nodded.
“So, here’s the plan.” Karnak interrupted. “Deadeye and I will pick off any guards outside the outpost. If there aren’t any, then we’ll we’ll both make our way in via the garage. Before we get in, Leech”, Karnak looked at Derek, “you and Megawatt will find the power boxes and drain all the outposts power. If I’m right, the guards inside will try to bring the power back on.
“How are gonna know if they put the power back on?” Derek asked.
“Oddly enough, the intel said that the intruders left communications on. Which means it could be a trap.
“Once they start trying to bring the power on, you two will put the energy back in the power box, and all the doors should be open for a brief moment before closing. In that short time, Deadeye and I will sneak in to the garage, where we’ll make our way to the elevator and wait for you two. You guys will have to take out any guards you see, because the second we activate the elevator the cameras will alert them to our presence and they’ll be all over us once we reach the top floor.”
“Yeah, I have a question.” Jake spoke up.
“What the hell is up with my name? Gigawatt? Seriously?”
“Everyone’s got a codename, kid.” Alan replied. “I’m Deadeye, Derek’s Leech, and Karnak’s Arsenal.”
“Yeah, I don’t mind that, except for the part where my codename sucks. Really, do you just rifle through comics looking for superhero names?” Jake chuckled.
“Well we looked through your file and we were gonna give you Electro, but that was sort of taken at the moment.” Derek grinned.
“Moving on,” Karnak stressed, “once we take out everyone, we take the datacore and head home so the techies can crack it and find out what’s on it. Any questions?”
“Just one.” Derek interjected.
“When do we get there?”
Less than a second after Derek said that, the seats and floor underneath them slipped out from under them, leaving them hanging in midair before gravity returned. While Derek and Jake descended to the ground, Karnak’s suit shot out two pods from his back. Jets of fire emerged from the pods as Karnak flew towards Alan, grabbing him under his shoulders. Derek closed his eyes, and in a flash he teleported into thin air. Jake closed his eyes and braced himself for the impact of his feet hitting the hard concrete of the city’s bridge.
“Name: Brock, Alan (Codename: Deadeye). Age: 34. Birthdate: 8/25/2074. Eye Color: Gold. Hair Color: Blonde. Abilities: Ice Manipulation, Superhuman Accuracy. Species: Human. Notes: Brock, although he might not look the part, is highly intelligent. In all of his missions, he has feigned capture to get more information from the enemy, and also has the technological skills to create custom weapons from other weapons with double the effectiveness of both. He’s made his own gadgets from old Hero technology into his own with vast improvements.”- a dossier on Alan. The information was obtained only after Alan willingly gave the doctor that information…by smacking the doctor in the face with an autobiography Alan wrote during his spare time.
HERO
PROLOGUE: SELECTION
April 17, 2108
Freedom City was not a happy place. For the past five years, it went from a top resort city to Hell in Southern California. After the ten-year fallout from the Storm, the city became the stomping grounds for anyone looking to take control of a continually bad situation. The carnivals and water parks that once flourished with money and the customers eager to pay were now old run down hideouts for dealers and criminals. The cops formerly filled with tons of free time now found themselves stretched at every corner of the city, with every success dwarfed by their loss in manpower and the failures of other comrades.
“Are you Mr. Paras?”
At Johnson’s Deli, outside sitting by himself reading a human holo-paper, was a grey-skinned Xanardian. His red eyes looked up from the paper and saw a middle-aged human man, with dark skin, wearing a black business suit complete with matching tie.
“Mr. Karnak Paras?” the man asked again.
Karnak set the holo-paper down on the table and stood up, extending his three-clawed hand. The man stuck his own hand out and shook Karnak’s, holding on to it for a brief moment before letting go.
“You are who you say you are. Your memories are in line with what your profile have said.”
“I have a profile?” Karnak raised an invisible eyebrow.
“Everyone has a profile,” the man responded cryptically, his eyes giving no hint of emotion.
“Do you have a name?”
“Call me… Mr. Memory.”
Karnak supressed a chuckle. Mr. Memory? It sounded like the same of a fake psychic.
“Laugh if you want, but you are still interested in what we have to offer.”
“What makes you think that?” Karnak’s eyes narrowed.
“Your memories made it clear that you spent several hours contemplating coming here to Earth. That, and you wouldn’t have come here if you weren’t a little curious.” Memory smirked.
“When I first got your message, I was a bit… skeptical. I was told that the only other facility like yours was on Xanar.”
“Those are the main two places. With things being as they are, we’re lucky to have a facility here on Earth at all. All the same, we thank you. We understand that you have some… personal reasons for coming to Earth. A friend of yours by the name of–”
Karnak grabbed Memory’s sleeves and brought them face to face, human to alien. Karnak’s eyes were narrow, in the way that a predator was when it was going to kill prey.
“Don’t. Mention. Him.” Karnak whispered.
Memory slipped from Karnak’s grasp, dusting off his jacket.
“Right,” Memory said, “as I was saying, in return for what you’re doing for us, we’ll help you find your shapeshifting friend. Wherever he may be.”
“I have your word?”
“You have my word. Now please. Our ride is coming right… now.”
At that moment, a stocky, black four-seater car pulled up beside the deli, its wheels stopping right where Memory stood. Opening the second door on the left, he motioned for Karnak to get in before going in front of the car and sitting in the seat next to the driver. Once both doors closed, the car’s engine turned again and moved away from the deli.
Inside the car, things were silent. The driver, stoic to the point of being almost statue-esqe, had his eyes locked on the road as if the world would end if they weren’t. Memory had his eyes gazing from the scenery outside to Karnak through the rearview mirror. Said alien had a datapad in his clawed hands, tapping softly at the keys with a determined expression. With one final tap, a holographic screen appeared on Memory’s side of the car, translucent enough for the driver to continue his task. On the screen were pictures of two men; one wearing a dark blue ski mask covering his jaw, though there was a faint trace of a scowl underneath. A pair of bright red sunglasses covered his eyes and his clean blond hair sticking out in the shape of a small mohawk. The other man was slightly younger; he had gold eyes and short, ruffled brown hair and flashed a cocky grin for the camera. Karnak, fully aware that Memory had been watching him through the rearview mirror, gave an ‘I’m waiting’ look.
“Your teammates arrived a few hours ago. They wouldn’t rest like we suggested, so they took off to the training room.” Memory answered.
“Are they alright?” Karnak asked.
“They complained about a little soreness in the muscles, but I think that they’ve regained their full strength by now. There is one problem though. Here, we require our Heroes to be in teams of four to six. Seeing as how you and the other two make three, you’ll have to add someone.”
Karnak groaned softly. Picking new members was probably the worst part of his job, seeing as how he’d either end up with someone fresh from training or the hand-me-down who tried too hard not to mess up.
“I had someone in mind. Do you remember the video you sent me a few days ago?”
“Of the most recent recruits?” Memory raised an eyebrow. “Which one interested you? The speeder? The mage?”
“No,” Karnak answered, “I was thinking more of the one that appeared at two minutes and ten seconds in.”
Memory’s eyes squinted for a moment before he realized who Karnak was referring to.
“Him? Really?” Memory had to ask.
“Yes, him.” Karnak replied. “That one.”
“Why him? Surely there’s someone else–”
“It was my understanding that I have the freedom to pick who I choose.” Karnak glared at him.
“Fine,” Memory sighed, “be warned though, he isn’t exactly… friendly to us. In fact, last week, he tried to break out.”
Karnak merely chuckled at that. “That’s why I want him. He’s got a fighter’s spirit. He’ll do well, and I think his powers will be a good addition.”
“Very well, if that is what you wish. Once we arrive at Headquarters, we’ll go down to see him.”
“Good. Just so I don’t end up going through a wall like last time, his name is…”
“Taylor,” Memory answered, “Jake Taylor.”
This is a redone version of the story. Instead of it taking place over multiple locations, it’s entirely set within the setting of Freedom City.
Chapter 4 review.
–I’m not very fond of the title (Show and Tell), but I suppose it’s workable.
–The opening line could probably be more dramatic. Him asking this question just makes it sound like it’s a matter of idle curiosity. I think that it might be more interesting if Karnak announces it in a way that suggests that the teammates’ tics are more than just a briefing detail.
–I really like the phrase “taken apart like a frog.”
–”a pair of orange-colored goggles” could probably be “a pair of orange goggles” or just “orange goggles.”
–”The other man had short brown hair, wearing a red shirt.” Why is this important enough to tell us? What’s it supposed to show about him?
–I’m having trouble keeping the two brothers apart. It might help to make them more distinct?
–“You got it, team leader.” Alan saluted him lazily. The period after leader should be a comma.
–”Alan and Derek grabbed their things off the table and followed Karnak and Jake to the hangar.” This could probably be shortened to “The four proceeded to the hangar.” I don’t think that it’s really necessary to tell us that A&D picked up their guns on the table– it’s pretty intuitive that they would take it with them, right?
–I’d recommend toning down the scientific wonkiness of Derek’s voice a little bit. ““Datacores are what Heroes use to preserve information. The datacores are encrypted both technologically and physically, so you can’t hack or force your way into it. The only way you could access its properties is if you had a Level 3-Omega Decryptor or a Disintegrator capable of cutting through Irodium.” Derek explained.” For example, instead of “Level 3-Omega Decryptor,” I would recommend something like a “high-grade decryptor.”
“And they want us to recover it.” Jake surmised. I like the use of the word “surmised” here rather than “said.” However, the period after “it” should be a comma.
I’d recommend referring to the characters by their codenames consistently. (IE: refer to the characters by their codenames in conversation, like “Deadeye said” or whatever). Or just scrap the codenames entirely– I think it’s hard to keep track of a codename for each of four characters. (“Wait, which one is Deadeye again?”)
–”Really, do you just rifle through comics looking for superhero names?” “Well we looked through your file and we were gonna give you Electro, but that was sort of taken at the moment.” I don’t feel like Jake’s line connects logically into the next one. If anything, I would recommend putting the Electro line after Jake complaining about his name. However. Does the comic book reference actually fit into your story?
Thanks, but I meant the redone first chapter.
I: GENESIS
Four months, thirteen days, eighteen hours, and five minutes. That was how long Jake Taylor had been inside this… he didn’t even know what to call it. Room? Cell? Whatever it was, it was a long time to not see sunlight. He had a brief glimpse of it when he tried to get out last Tuesday, but it wasn’t enough to give him a sense of where he was. He only knew two things: that he wasn’t as far away from real civilization as he thought he was, and the electricity bouncing in hands were making his fingers tingle. He’d been doing that a lot, finding it pretty entertaining to play “electric ping-pong” with himself.
“Only thing keeping me from going insane,” he muttered to himself.
That was a battle he found himself losing. With the exception of practicing his powers, there was nothing to do. He’d asked more than once to travel outside but apparently that privelege was reserved for “those who were trustworthy enough to have control over their powers”. That, to Jake, was code for “after what you did to end up here? No way in Hell”.
“Ugh,” Jake groaned, “I’m sooo bored!”
Answering his cry for help, his cell door opened, revealing Memory. The dark-skinned man looked a little worse for wear than the last time Jake saw him, if that was at all possible.
“Hello, Jacob,” Memory greeted, his mouth forming into a weary grin.
“Hey Tenzen,” Jake waved, “I haven’t seen you since Friday. Or was it Saturday?”
“I take it that you feel fine after your attempted escape?”
“My arms and legs are just fine, Tenny. Not that your restrainers helped any.”
Tenzen sighed, “You were warned that Charger lived up to his name.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t say that I’d end up knocked into three walls,” Jake held up three fingers for emphasis.
“As fun as it is discussing your four-day long concussions, I’d like to introduce you to someone.” Tenzen turned his head to the door and softly nodded before turning his attention back to Jake.
Karnak didn’t know what he’d get with this Jake Taylor he’d asked to have on his team. He only knew that the human in question was able to manipulate electricity and that in and of itself made Karnak’s mind boggle. Not so much the power he could control, just the fact that he had the power and didn’t end up going power crazy. Yet, anyway. Electrics, as Karnak called them, had a habit of… changing, usually around the time they figured out how to channel it. So either Jake was well past the point of insanity, or he just found out his powers. Karnak couldn’t tell, but as Tenzen introduced the human, who simply nodded before jumping down off the top of the wall, his teeth grinding as he landed his bare feet onto the steel floor. Jake looked young, about a little older than a human teenager, with short black hair and electric blue eyes that sent a chill down the Xanardian’s spine.
“Hey there,” Jake extended a hand. Karnak shook it, his three fingers grasping the five fingers feeling unnatural and awkward.
“Greetings. I look forward to working with you and helping you hone your powers,” Karnak lied through his teeth.
“Karnak has decided to make you a part of his team,” Tenzen explained.
“Team for what?” Jake’s eyes narrowed.
“A team to train you,” Karnak answered. “Based on what I’ve heard, you… don’t exactly like it here. Tenzen thinks that you can learn your powers better in a more… urban environment.”
Jake’s eyes widened. “You mean a city? With food, and real air?”
Tenzen nodded.
“I’m in!” Jake grinned excitedly. “When do we start?”
Karnak smirked. Now the fun would begin.
“Follow me.”
Jake walked out the door beside Karnak, smiling brightly. After four months, thirteen days, eighteen hours, and eleven minutes, he’d finally been given something to do.
After several elevators and sublevels, Karnak and Jake finally reached their destination. The Stomping Grounds, as some called it. It was a large dome, almost the size of five warehouses. In the center of the dome were the two men Karnak had been looking at in the car. The man wearing the ski mask carried two guns in his hands, jumping and weaving his way out of the lasers pointed at various points of his body. The other man to his right had two glowing arms in his hands, throwing them at mechanical arms with a cocky smirk on his face.
“I could use your help here!” the man with the guns growled.
“On it!” the man with the orbs replied.
Dissipating the orbs in his hands, he ran forward, cartwheeling past the lasers and vanishing into thin air. Four seconds later, he was in front of the laser turrets, creating two red orbs in his hands before throwing them at the turrets, creating a symphony of explosions.
“Happy now?”
The man with the guns nodded with approval, dropping one as he fired a light blue beam from his hand, freezing the third turret.
“And that’s game.” the man with the orbs whispered.
“And I win, again.” the man with the guns smirked through his mask.
“Like hell you did, Al. I beat your score, just like last time.”
“Really? Tell me Derek, was this before or after the tranquilizers?”
The two argued during their entire walk to Karnak and Jake, stopping in front of the alien.
“Hey, boss man,” Derek greeted. “Who’s the kid?”
“This is Jake,” Karnak answered. “Our new teammate. Jake, this is Alan and Derek Brock.”
Alan, the one with the gun, simply nodded in greeting while Derek held up his right hand– his mechanical hand– and left it at that.
“So if the kid’s here, does that mean we’ve got the OK to go topside?” Derek asked.
“Yes, Derek,” Karnak sighed, “we can go topside.”
“Finally!” Alan groaned. “It’s been so long since I’ve had a good drink.”
“Wait,” Jake cut in, “what do you mean ‘topside’? What city are we in?”
“Derek, take us topside.” Karnak ordered.
Happily, Derek spread his arms wide, touching Alan and Karnak’s shoulders. An ethereal green light began to wash over the four of them, and in a flash they were gone.
Half a minute later, the four of them were on a rooftop overlooking the city. The sky was dark orange, mixing violently with the lighter colored sun. Below, there were citizens shuffling around, like aimless sheep.
“Smell that real, human air,” Alan stretched his arms out, smiling.
“You’re not lying, brother. First thing we should do: grab a bite to eat. What do you say, Karnak? Let’s celebrate and take the kid out for a night on the town?” Derek gazed at the sky.
Jake ignored the conversation between his three teammates; he was solely focused on the city. The whole time he was “incarcerated”, he thought about going back to Freedom City, to his home, and staying there for the rest of his life without causing any trouble at all. And now, the whole time, he’d been only one flash away from it?
“I’m home,” Jake whispered softly. “I’m home.”
Remember to offer criticism if needed. Thanks!
Here’s chapter two of the rebooted version. Please offer feedback and criticism, thanks!
II: TRAINING
“Hey, runt, you there? Helloooo?”
Derek waved his mechanical hand in front of Jake’s face. On the other side of him, Alan snapped his fingers twice.
“Is he dead?” Derek wondered.
“Yeah Derek, he’s dead. We’ve been on this rooftop for less than five minutes and he’s dead. That make sense to you?” Alan snapped.
After about what might have been the eighth time Alan snapped his fingers, Jake’s eyes fluttered before darting back and forth at the pair of hands in his face.
“Sorry, got distracted. What did you guys say?”
“Karnak said he wants to see what you can do,” Derek answered.
“What I can do?” Jake raised an eyebrow.
“Just what your powers are, what level you’re at so far, stuff like that.”
Alan and Derek backed away as Karnak came to stand beside him.
“First things first,” Karnak said, “what can you do?”
“Well,” Jake answered, “I’m pretty agile, I can stick to walls, and I control electricity.”
“Prove it. Fire off a few bursts of lightning.”
Jake raised his left hand, conjuring up a blue ball of electricity. Aiming at the sky, he fired off three shots.
“Good, good. Now I want you fire a bolt at me.”
Jake looked at Karnak quizzically. “Seriously?”
“Just do it,” Karnak answered gently.
Behind them, Derek and Alan grinned.
“Two bucks says Karnak collapses to floor and the kid freaks out.” Alan whispered.
“How long you give Karnak?” Derek asked.
“Ten seconds, tops.”
“I’ll take that action.”
Jake took a few steps to the side and fired a beam of lightning at Karnak. The lightning surged through the alien’s body, lighting him up like a Christmas tree. Jake stopped the beam and for a while Karnak stood there, arms spread out, eyes wide, before he fell and landed on his back. For a while, all was quiet. Jake watched Karnak’s still body, while Derek and Alan grinned from the sidelines. A cough erupted from Karnak, who hacked and wheezed as he struggled to get back up.
“Never doing that again,” Karnak wheezed.
“What the hell?” Jake cried. “How did you–”
“Cellular regeneration,” Karnak answered. “Lets me heal from anything.”
“And the best part is, he can always be the designated driver,” Derek joked.
Jake turned to the two brothers. “What can you guys do?”
Alan walked over to Jake and pointed at a bird perched on a telephone line by the street. “See that bird? I’m gonna fire one shot, with my eyes closed, and that bird will be frozen in place.”
Jake chuckled. “You’re kidding, right? How am I even gonna know if your eyes are closed?”
Alan took off his goggles and ski mask, handing them to Derek. His face had a medium sized red-orange blot on the top left side, covering his gold eyes and scars went from his ears all the way down to his goatee. Giving one final look to the bird that was still on the telephone line, he took out a gun and closed his eyes. The bullet erupted from the gun, traveling all the way from the gun to the bird, freezing it from the inside out.
“Happy?” Alan turned to Jake.
“So, you can hit anything? No matter how far away it is?”
“That’s what I’ve been doing,” Alan said as he began to put his things back on. “People call me Bullet. Karnak is Arsenal.”
“What about you, Derek?” Jake asked.
Derek simply held his hands out, creating two flaming orbs. “They call me Energizer. Cause I’m always full of energy.”
“Man, that was stupid.” Jake blurted after a short silence.
“I told you. I told you that was stupid.” Alan groaned.
“Whatever,” Derek rolled his eyes. “Can we get something to eat now? Like Crazy Monkey?”
“Fine, we’ll go to Crazy Monkey.” Karnak sighed.
Derek held his arms out, and the four of them were sitting at a table in front of a bartender that was cleaning glasses. Up above them was a large wide screen TV with footage of several dead bodies lying around a flaming truck with the headline “BREAKING NEWS: THE BERZERKERS STRIKE AGAIN.” The scene then cut to a middle-aged female reporter with the picture in a small box on the top left.
“This is Cynthia Newman on FCN. We’re here at the remains of the encounter where the infamous gang known as the Berzerkers made off with a shipment of weapons intended for the police and are currently evading all available police forces. We’ll have more on this story as it develops.”
“Who are the Berzerkers?” Jake asked as he chewed on a hamburger.
Derek raised an eyebrow, then looked at where Jake pointed his finger. “They’re just some gang that goes around raising hell every once in a while.”
“Just some gang? They’ve got a cache of police weapons.” Jake snapped.
“The police can take care of it. Point is, those chumps aren’t our problem,” Derek shrugged.
“I wanted to ask,” Alan interrupted, “why are we here? Other than watching a car fly eighty feet in the air and explode.”
Karnak put down his glass of water and clear his throat. “We’re setting shop in Freedom City for two reasons. One, to teach him,” he pointed at Jake, “how to properly use his powers. And two, to provide some… assistance to the city’s police force.”
“Ugh, city scrubbing again?!” Derek shouted.
“It’s only temporary,” Karnak reassured as Derek went on a tangent, “We just have to clean up the city and teach Taylor about his powers, then we move on to another assignment.”
“But I hate scrubbing! Especially after last time with those Ferals.”
“There’s more to it, isn’t there?” Alan stared at Karnak. “Why we’re here on Earth?”
“Well…”
Outside, police sirens blared in the distance. There were sounds of distant gunfire and explosions before a police car crashed into the bar, sending glass, wood, and steel into the path of passerbys, creating smoke throughout the bar. Behind the rubble, two vans flew by, followed by four other police cars, all with sirens echoing through the city.
“So,” Jake coughed as the smoke began to fade, “are these chumps our problem now?”
“Fine, let’s get this over with,” Derek groaned. “Sooner the better.”
“We don’t even know where they’re going. They could be heading anywhere.” Alan emphasized.
“So then we’ll just follow the chaos.” Karnak narrowed his eyes. “Let’s go.”
The four ran out the car-shaped hole in the bar and headed around the corner to an empty alley, where Derek teleported the four to the roof. Karnak jumped in the air, hovering slightly as jets streamed from the soles of his feet before flying forward; Alan fired a beam of ice at his feet and slid down it while Derek stood behind him, watching as the ice continued to form a slide; and Jake ran behind the two, flipping and jumping over gaps with barely an effort. Karnak kept his eyes to the street, watching the two vans filled with gang members fire at the oncoming police cars, dispatching them easily. Soon after, the vans stopped at an abandoned garage, the wheels stopping in front of the door.
“There!” Karnak pointed down at the vans.
Alan ceased the ice slide as Derek grabbed his hand and teleported to the ground in front of the vans as Karnak and Jake landed beside them.
“Just make them leave the trucks,” Karnak ordered. “No need for excessive violence.”
“Leave it to me,” Derek said, forming two flaming orbs and throwing them at the truck. A second later, the Berzerkers ran away from the trucks as they flipped in the air in a symphony of explosions.
“Heh, oops,” Derek avoided the glare of the others. “At least we got them away from the trucks.”
None of them noticed the gang members gathering together in front of the garage door. All ten of them stood in a single file line and held rocket launchers and assault rifles.
“Hey!” one of them yelled. “Who the hell are you?”
The four turned toward the gangsters with a dull look.
“Us?” Derek cried. “We’re– say,” he whispered to the others, “Who are we?”
“Who cares?” Alan hissed. “Just say something!”
Derek turned back to the gangsters. “We’re, uh, Spec Ops. Yeah, that’s right! We’re Spec Ops! And we’re here to take those weapons you stole back to the police! So hand them over!”
“Or what?” the gangster barked.
“Or this!” Alan took out a pair of guns and started firing. The gangsters spread out, firing at their adversaries while running for cover behind the destroyed trucks. Karnak morphed his hands into a grenade launcher, firing a grenade at two gangsters that ran toward them. The grenade hit the concrete between them, sending them flying into the garage door. Jake ran ahead and leaped into the air, firing lightning at the gangsters below.
“I think that’s all of them,” Alan said.
“Great. Abandoned a perfectly good pair of ribs to take down a bunch of thugs in less than ten minutes. Highlight of my day,” Derek watched the gangsters flee, firing off a few miniature orbs by their feet for good measure.
“Who cares? We stopped those criminals from hurting people. Isn’t that what you guys do?” Jake raised an eyebrow. “Help people?”
Karnak rolled his eyes at the rookie’s obliviousness. “You are our primary mission. Saving the city is just an afterthought.”
“Well it isn’t for me,” Jake fumed. “This is my home! I grew up here, and I’ll do everything I can to make this city the way it used to be.”
“Hey guys,” Alan cried, “Come here.”
The others looked at Alan, who had opened the garage door and was now examining the inside. Several computers and vehicles were scattered around, the vehicles looking like someone went to a junkyard, grabbed whatever they could and fused it onto the cars.
“This must be one of their hideouts,” Derek said aloud.
“Really? What gave it away, the cars with their symbol on it?” Alan rolled his eyes.
Jake went to one of the computers and examined it. On the screen was a top-down picture of tubes and circles with the words “Freedom City Blueprints” in the top right corner. All around the screen were notes like “Manhole in Chang Tao’s Kitchen. Rough up Tao, get access to kitchen” and “Freedom Tower: FIND WAY TO GET THERE UNDETECTED.”
“How’d these guys get blueprints of the city?” Alan asked.
“Does it matter?” Karnak answered. “These computers have all information on the Berzerkers weapon shipments and their communication channels.”
“And if they think we torched this place,” Jake finished, “then that means they won’t be back and we’ll be free to use this tech to take them out.”
Karnak nodded and kneeled on the ground, closing his eyes. With a pained groan, his chest began to shake and expand. Two long blades protruded from each of his arms, stumbling as they crawled out from his flesh. Shortly after, Karnak threw his head back as a disgusting tearing sound erupted from his back, revealing a black box with six red lights. Karnak, his face sweaty, got up from the floor, attached the blades to the box, and put it on the keyboard.
“What’s it doing?” Jake asked.
“The Techpack’s uploading the Hero tech onto this computer.” Alan explained.
“And it’s doing that… why?”
“Gives us access to the Hero mainframe. If we want communications, weapon drop, some new tech, we’ll get it pretty quickly.”
“Thirty minutes or it’s free,” Derek grinned.
After a few minutes Karnak grabbed the Techpack and jammed the blades into his chest, wincing as it rearranged itself. The computer screen flashed before showing a digitized face of a man, from what Jake could tell.
“I take it you have found a temporary base of operations?” the man asked.
“That is correct, Tenzen.” Karnak replied.
“Very well then. Thanks for keeping us updated, is there anything else?”
“Not for the moment. We’ll contact you when we have significant intel.”
“Alright then. Memory out.” Tenzen’s face warped off the screen.
“Arsenal, Bullet, Energizer. The names you guys come up with sound so good,” Jake chuckled.
“Don’t laugh, kid. You get one too.” Alan set his backpack on the ground.
Jake’s face paled. He had thought that the names were more for pleasure than business.
“I’m thinking… Sparky or Jumpstart,” Derek grinned.
“I’m thinking… neither,” Alan remarked.
“What’s wrong with mine?”
“You mean other than the fact that they’re stupid?”
While the two brothers argued, Jake walked over to Karnak, who was standing at the computer, his fingers typing swiftly on the keys.
“What are you looking at?” Jake asked.
“The city’s power grid.” Karnak answered without taking his eyes off the computer.
“What for?”
“A few weeks ago, the Berzerkers caused a massive power outage across the city.”
“But the bar we went to wasn’t powered down at all.” Jake raised an eyebrow.
“The city’s running on reserve power and they’re almost running out. So, I want you to power up one of the generators. If we provide more power to the city, then our time here will be considerably shorter.” Karnak pointed to a green blip on the map.
“The first generator is under Zen’s Theater, about ten minutes from here. Get going.”
“Shouldn’t I have a partner with me? You know, in case those guys come after my ass?”
Karnak silently groaned. “Derek,” he yelled, “go with the rookie to the sewer and bring him back alive.”
“Do I have to?” Derek complained as he teleported beside Jake.
“But Derek,” Karnak put on his best grin, “I’d thought that you’d want to go to show the rookie your skills. I mean, you’re always going on about how teleporting is a real power and how you carry our team… I guess I was wrong about recommending you for leadership.”
“Hey, did I say I didn’t want to?” Derek put an arm around Jake and flashed a smile. “What I meant to say was that the rookie will finally get to see a real hero in action! Come on kid, let’s go!”
“Wait! Take these,” Karnak handed them two headsets. “So we can keep in radio contact with you. I’ll use this computer to track your whereabouts and to provide whatever information I get.”
Derek nodded and the two of them teleported out of the garage.
“This is the place.” Jake looked at the large boarded up theater.
“And the generator’s down below? In the sewer?” Derek shot him a nervous look.
“Yeah. Are you worried or something?”
“Well… I heard this rumor that Freedom City has giant crocodile, dog, things in their sewers that swallowed anyone who went down there whole and delivered their victims’ skulls back up topside to their families… and then eat the family!”
Jake opened up the manhole covering the entrance. “That’s just a little urban myth,” Jake said as he proceeded to head down. “‘Sides, everyone who tells that tale knows that they deliver the skull and the spine to the families.”
Derek glared at Jake’s amused grin as he stepped down the ladder. “That’s not funny, kid.”
“I thought it was funny.” Jake chuckled as he stepped off the ladder.
“It’s way too dark in here. Can you light the place up?,” Derek complained as he stood beside Jake.
Jake clapped his hands together and closed his eyes. For a moment, there was silence; when he opened his eyes again, electricity was covering both of his arms in a vibrant blue.
“Sweet,” Jake muttered to himself.
“Karnak,” Derek tapped the button on his headset. “We’re in the sewer. This place got anything we need to know about?”
“Not that I’m detecting,” Karnak’s static voice replied. “The generator should be at the end of the tunnel. Power it up and get out of there.”
Derek let go of the button on the headset and examined the sewer. Aside from what might have been the largest amount of waist raw sewage he’d ever seen, there were several pipes and platforms that he could see. Jake had already leaped to one of them, his fingers sticking to the cold metal as if he were a spider. As Jake lept to the platform across from him, Derek teleported onto the pipe, his hands trying their hardest not to slip off.
“So kid,” Derek asked as Jake teleported next to him on the platform, “what’s your story?”
“What do you mean?” Jake said as he dove for another pipe.
“You know, your story. Who you are, where you come from?”
“Well, there isn’t much to tell. I was born here with my parents. After they died during the Storm, I had to live with my aunt and uncle in Oregon for a few years. And when I turned eighteen, I came back here.”
“And then what?” Derek grabbed the pipe next to Jake.
Jake grabbed a small ledge. “I had a good life. Went to college, decent job. I never got into trouble, no muggings, no injuries. Just stayed out of the way. What about you?”
“Well,” Derek cleared his throat as he teleported to another platform, “I grew up as a young, handsome son of a wealthy tycoon on the planet–”
“No seriously,” Jake cut in, “what’s your story?”
Derek sighed. “I grew up in the Big Apple with Al, my parents, and my sister and brother. Things were pretty simple: try out something, find what you’re good at, and stick with it. At least it was with my siblings.”
“What happened?” Jake asked.
“When you grow up with three other siblings… it’s hard to find your own identity. Lauren was the sporty achiever that every guy wanted, Isaac was the artsy type, and Alan was the selfless one, always putting his neck on the line. I was just there… a kid who didn’t meet everyone’s expectations.”
“Well,” Jake grabbed Derek’s hand as he held onto a ledge, “what did you want to do?”
“I wanted to make movies,” Derek’s child-like smile faded as quickly as it appeared. “But I couldn’t do that either.”
“How’d you get that arm?” Jake pointed at the grey robotic arm.
“Hey,” Derek chuckled after an awkward silence, “I forgot to tell you your new name.”
“Lemme guess,” Jake said, “Jolt? Sparky?”
“Nope. Your name’s Kilowatt.”
That actually isn’t so bad, Jake thought as he landed beside Derek.
“Okay, we’re in front of the generator,” Jake tapped his headset. “Now what?”
“Rip the console board. You should see two wires,” Karnak instructed.
“Yeah, I see them,” Jake watched Derek kick the board into the water. “Now what?”
“Grab both wires and give them a surge of electricity. Nothing big, though.”
Jake shut his eyes and let the electricity wrapping his arms course through the wires. The generator started to whir; the lights on it began to flicker and sparks shot out from the wires.
“That did it,” Karnak said. “The grid’s showing a steady power fluctuation in the north part of the city. Nice work. Head back to the garage.”
Jake dropped the wires, letting some of the sparks levitate toward his fingertips. Shaking his head, he grabbed Derek’s shoulder as they teleported back to the garage.
“Nice job, guys,” Alan greeted as Derek and Jake teleported into the garage.
“Couldn’t have done it without the kid,” Derek said.
Jake smiled weakly, his vision blurred. As he landed on the ground with a thud, he saw nothing but white. There was a flash and he saw a man running on a telephone wire. Gunfire came from both sides, but the man didn’t seem to notice or care. Raising his hands, the man leaped off the wire and threw a ball of electricity at his attackers, landing behind them as the ball exploded and sent them careening into the air. The man got up from the ground, electricity covering his hands. There was another flash, and Jake could see Karnak, Alan, and Derek hovering over him.
“Maybe we should call him Blackout,” Derek helped Jake up off the floor.
“Seriously,” Alan said, “you okay?”
Jake nodded. “I’m fine. I’m just a little tired from giving all that juice.”
“Kid, if you get tired from that, you’re not gonna like what other stuff we do.” Alan took off his ski mask.
“What other stuff do you do?”
“Rescue hostages, protect politicians, blow things up. And that’s just during your first hour.”
“Great,” Jake rolled his eyes.
“Don’t worry,” Derek reassured, “after a while you’ll get used to– what’s in your hand?”
Jake raised his arm and looked at the glowing ball in his hand. Hesitantly, he dropped the ball on the floor. The ball stayed in the middle of the four Heroes before exploding and knocking them back.
“What the hell was that? Better yet, how did you do that?” Derek wheezed, wiping the smoke from the air.
“I don’t know,” Jake coughed. “When I blacked out, I saw someone do that.”
“You saw someone? Like a vision? Since when could you see the future?”
Jake shrugged. “Since I charged up the generator, I guess?”
“How does that happen?” Derek asked skeptically.
“The electrical surge must have unlocked some power within him,” Karnak mused.
“So if he powers up more generators,” Alan said, “he’ll get more powers?”
“Possibly,” Karnak nodded. “We’ll have to see to find out.”
Jake created a smaller ball of lightning in his hand, letting it stay there before it vanished.
“Hey guys,” Alan said as he checked the computer, “what’s tomorrow?”
“The eighteenth,” Derek answered. “Why?”
“The computer’s got this message from another Berzerker outpost. They’ve got a shipment of tech coming tomorrow at three.”
“Then we’ll intercept it,” Karnak scoffed. “We could use the technology.”
Derek walked over to Karnak, “Speaking of which, when are we gonna get new suits? I hate just wearing my regular clothes.”
“I suppose I can get some suits,” Karnak sighed. “What color do you want?”
“Orange,” Derek answered.
“Steel grey,” Alan said.
“Blue,” Jake replied.
“And I get black,” Karnak muttered, typing a few keys on the computer. “They should be here tomorrow.”
“Great,” Derek yawned. “In the meantime, I’m getting some sleep.” Grabbing his mechanical arm, Derek yanked it off slowly, letting a painful hiss erupt from his mouth. Dropping the arm on the floor, Derek lied down beside it as he began to sleep. Karnak and Alan followed suit; Alan set his stuff by the computer and curled into a ball while Karnak got in a meditative position and closed his eyes. Jake sat down, creating another ball of electricity in his hands. Concentrating, he split the ball in two, the other rotating in his hand. Balling his hands into fists, the balls disappeared and Jake began to sleep.
“The boss is not gonna be happy about this, Knox.”
“He’s never happy, Drew. But you’re right, he’s gonna be pissed. I just hope we don’t get the whips.”
“I hate the whips so much.”
The two Berzerkers gulped loudly as the elevator doors opened, revealing a long hallway with dimmed lights. Silently, the two walked down, opening the door slightly. Knox peered his head out, seeing nothing but darkness.
“Well?” Drew asked.
“He’s meditating. We should come later.” Knox whispered.
“If we do, he’ll be even more pissed.”
Knox was about to whisper back until he noticed a red shimmer in the darkness. Silently, he grabbed Drew and dragged him inside, closing the door behind him.
“Report.” a raspy voice ordered.
“We took the shipment of cop guns you told us about.” Drew said.
“Good. Where are they?”
“Well, there’s a problem.” Knox could feel his face turning red with embarassment. “We were gonna put them in that garage like you said, but…”
“But?” the voice tensed.
“The trucks were destroyed.” Drew answered.
“Yeah, there were some Spec Ops guys that came and kicked our asses.”
“Spec Ops?” the voice whispered.
“Yeah. Three humans and a Xan.” Knox gulped.
For a moment, all was silent except for the nervous breathing of Drew and Knox.
“Boss? You there?” Drew asked after a minute of silence.
Suddenly, red tendrils emerged from the room, wrapping themselves around Drew and Knox. Groaning silently, the two Berzerkers writhed on the ground as the tendrils encased them in cocoons. The last thing they saw was their boss standing over them, his red eyes showing anger.
Cole summoned the lightning back to his fingertips, watching the smoked bodies with mock pity. He really didn’t want to kill them, but failure was not tolerated. Not after all that he’d done for them. Clenching his hands into fists, he walked out the door, grinning to himself. He already knew of the Xanardian the two had referred to. He just didn’t think it’d be five years before he saw him. After five long, damaging years, Cole would finally have his revenge
I hope you remember me, Karnak. Because I remember you. And I’ve been waiting to meet you again so I can tear off that scaly head of yours.
Thank you.
Calling the first chapter genesis is kind of banal. It’s sort of already been done before, y’know? It might help to add an adjective to modify Genesis. For example, one of the issue names I was toying around with was Chemical Genesis because I think it has the sterile, cold feeling I’m going for with the origin of the villain. Just give it something that applies to your story.
I like the opening line.
If this is a room where he’s being forcibly held, I’d recommend calling it a cell first and then maybe a holding pen. “Room” sounds too comfortable, I think.
“the electricity bouncing in hands were making his fingers tingle”– I think it should be “his hands.” Also, because the subject here is “the electricity,” the verb “were” should be “was.”
“He wasn’t as far away from real civilization as he thought he was…” I’d recommend changing “as he thought he was” to “as he had thought.”
Jake Taylor is a pretty bland name. Could you make his last name a bit more exotic? Maybe Baylor. Very similar sounds but a bit less mundane.
I think the narrator’s being a bit coy about “what you did to end up here.” I’d recommend having him joke about it a bit so that we know what’s going on. At least give us some scraps of information. Like “but the burn wounds were almost all superficial!”
If he’s going crazy, you could show that a bit. Maybe the days blur together or he has developed some bizarre habits or he has really weird dreams or whatever.
“Privelege” should be spelled “privilege,” I think.
“He’d asked more than once to travel outside…” Asked whom? A guard? What does the guard look like? Who does the guard work for? (The government? A company?)
“looked a little worse for wear than the last time…” Give some details. What’s wrong with him?
Right away, we’re given six names (Jacob, Jake, Tenzen, Tenny, Charger, Memory). I think Tenzen, Tenny and Memory are the same person. That’s not intuitive, though.
More tension between Jake and Tenzen would probably be dramatically helpful. For example, maybe the over-formal Tenzen calls him Jacob and Jake tries to correct him. I mean, in jail, it’s not like you pick the people around you. You deal with what you have, right?
“Yeah, but you didn’t say that I’d end up knocked into three walls,” Jake held up three fingers for emphasis. This is a bit awkward because it implies that he’s speaking by holding up his fingers. I’d recommend checking out the first part of this article, which deals with that sort of problem. I think it’d be smoother to say something like “You didn’t mention that I’d be knocked through three walls,” he said. He held up three fingers for emphasis.
The point-of-view changes from Jake to Karnak with the phrase “Karnak didn’t know what he’d get with this Jake Taylor…” It’s sort of disorienting. I’d recommend changing POV at a chapter break, rather than midchapter.
“The human in question” is a highly effective way to imply that Karnak isn’t.
“that in and of itself made Karnak’s mind boggle” could be “that itself boggled Karnak’s mind.”
“So either Jake was well past the point of insanity, or he just found out his powers. Karnak couldn’t tell, but as Tenzen introduced the human, who simply nodded before jumping down off the top of the wall, his teeth grinding as he landed his bare feet onto the steel floor.” This is a very interesting paragraph. I’d recommend changing “he just found out his powers” to the possibly smoother “or he had just discovered his powers.”
“grasping the five fingers feeling unnatural and awkward.” Hmm. I’d recommend handling this in a somewhat different way. First, the easiest way to address the grammatical issue would be to add a comma after fingers. However, Karnak thinks Jake might be insane, knows he can channel electricity and probably knows about the breakout attempt and the crime that led to Jake’s incarceration. Under those circumstances, I think Karnak might want to pass on shaking his hand.
“Greetings.” The preferred form of salutation for nonhumans everywhere! I approve.
I like that Jake sort of breaks out of the “chosen one” mold. He comes to Karnak’s attention because of the break-out attempt, right? So he’s kind of proactive that way.
“The Stomping Grounds, as some called it.” Whose perspective is this from? Could you show this detail rather than having the narrator tell us?
It might be a bit smoother if Karnak gives Jake the names of the two guys in combat. That way you don’t have to keep referring to them as “the man with the orbs” and “the man with the guns.” Alternately, you could refer to him as “the gunman,” eg.
“And that’s game.” the man with the orbs whispered. The period after game should be a comma.
“And I win, again.” the man with the guns smirked through his mask. This makes it sound like he’s smirking his lines of dialogue. I think it’s a bit disorientating.
“Was this before or after the tranquilizers?”
“Jake, this is Alan and Derek Brock.” For a bit of alien flavor, you might try “these are the brothers Brock. Alan and Derek.”
Maybe more of a cliffhanger at the end of the chapter.
I’ve left myself a reminder to get to your second chapter by tomorrow, but in case I miss it, would you please leave me a reminder somewhere if I haven’t gotten it by then? Thanks.
PS: I don’t remember what the original first chapter was like, exactly, but this strikes me as a distinct improvement. Much less of a Chosen One situation. Jake stands out in a much more interesting light.
Thanks. I’ve added some updates to chapter I and will post it soon.
So B. Mac, or anyone, were you going to comment on chapter 2?
Okay, I’ll get on chapter 2 right away. I figure that’ll take me an hour or so.
By my count, this chapter is about 4000 words long. Personally, I’d recommend a bit south of 2000.
“Yeah Derek, he’s dead.” When a line is addressed to a character’s name, the name should be separated on both sides by punctuation marks. In this case, it’d probably be a bit smoother to do “Yeah, Derek. He’s dead.”
“After about what might have been the eighth time Alan snapped his finger, Jake’s eyes fluttered…” This could probably be shortened to something like “Alan snapped his fingers an eighth time and Jake’s eyes fluttered…”
I’m not sure what’s up with Jake in the first page. The first thing that came to mind when Alan was snapping his fingers repeatedly is that Jake had passed out. (Also, someone had asked whether he died, which suggests that he wasn’t conscious). But I don’t think that’s what you’re actually trying to suggest. Was he just sort of daydreaming? If so, I think you could show that more clearly.
So he’s probably daydreaming or something. What are you trying to show us about Jake? Inattentiveness?
“First things first,” Karnak said, “what can you do?” I’m not sure this fits Karnak’s voice. It sounds a bit too direct. Also, too human.
“Jake looked at Karnak quizzically.” Instead of using the phrase “looked… quizzically,” I’d recommend using a synonym for looked that suggests quizzicality. Maybe “stared” or “peered.”
Karnak’s ability to heal pretty much anything could present some writing problems down the road. How can you threaten him if he can recover from anything? And how can you make his fights interesting if you can’t threaten him?
It’s sort of a lot of characters and callsigns/second names so far. Particularly with Alan and Derek, do we need both names or can they be introduced as Bullet and Energizer? Also, if Jake’s ability allows him to control electricity, people may confuse him with Energizer later on.
“People call me…” sounds a bit corny. It might be more professional-sounding if he said something like “my call-sign is…” because they sort of are special forces guys so they’d probably have call-signs.
I like that Derek calls the police assistance “city scrubbing.” Very evocative.
“Karnak reassured as Derek went on a tangent…” I don’t think that what Derek is saying is actually a tangent. In any case, I’d recommend cutting the “Karnak reassured” tag entirely.
The characters do a lot of groaning instead of talking.
Karnak’s voice flattened out a lot this chapter. I’d recommend reading through chapter one and chapter 2 again because it was more distinct and lively there.
“A symphony of explosions” is pretty tacky but I like it.
“All ten of them stood in a single file line and held rocket launchers and assault rifles.” Using a single-file line hasn’t been competent since the Civil War (1861-65). I’d recommend having them spread out after the shots start, particularly if there are explosives.
Also, I’d let this slide because it’s a possibly dystopian sci-fi, but why would the police have rocket launchers?
“And we’re here to take those weapons you stole back to the police! So hand them over!”
“Or what?” the gangster barked.
This exchange could be more stylish. Give Alan some more personality!
“ Karnak rolled his eyes at the rookie’s obliviousness. “You are our primary mission. Saving the city is just an afterthought.” I like this. What’s so special about Jake, though?
“Well it isn’t for me,” Jake fumed. “This is my home! I grew up here, and I’ll do everything I can to make this city the way it used to be.” I’d recommend making this more personalized. It feels like he’s declaring his emotions too directly, essentially saying “I’m in conflict with you because I care about this town!” I would recommend having him show his attachment/fondness for the city and his humanitarian side. Then I think that this would be a bit more believable.
“This must be one of their hideouts,” Derek said aloud. I think that the word “aloud” is redundant here and could probably be removed.
“the vehicles looking like someone went to a junkyard, grabbed whatever they could and fused it onto the cars.” Show us some details! What do the cars look like?
I sort of lost you with the gadget words. Techpack and Hero mainframe. At the risk of revealing my technological ineptitude, I don’t know what a mainframe is. Or what a techpack does. Also, instead of uploading “the Hero tech onto this computer,” I think maybe “the Hero software” would make more sense. Maybe—like I said, I’m not much of a tech guy unless it involves HTML.
I like that Alan and Derek are fighting over trivial stuff (Jake’s new name) as Jake has his eyes on the plot-important stuff. Haha.
“I mean, you’re always going on about how teleporting is a real power and how you carry our team.” This is funny, but I think that it could probably be rephrased to fit Karnak’s voice better.
I think that the origin stuff (“You know, your story. Who are you, where you come from?”) could probably be integrated more smoothly into the plot. Like when he finds out he’s going to go sewer-diving, he might say something disgustedly like “Dammit, I should have stayed in Oregon”). Right now, it feels sort of like an infodump.
I like Kilowatt. Megawatt and Gigawatt were already taken?
I’d recommend drawing out the teleportation sequence a bit. Give us a sentence showing how it feels, maybe? This is sort of an extraordinary element, so I think it’d be worthwhile to explain it a bit.
Who is the team accountable to?
I think that the team is getting along maybe a bit too well at this point. Derek is awfully quick to give the credit to Jake. I think it might help if someone here had some vaguely-plausible grievance against Jake. (Maybe one of Jake’s personality flaws, etc).
“Rescue hostages, protect politicians, blow things up. And that’s just during your first hour.” I like the concept here, but the second sentence could probably be more stylish. What would you think about something like “It usually calms down around lunchtime, though”?
Unlocking generators –> unlocking new powers feels too much like a video game. I don’t have a problem with him gaining powers over time, but I think it would be smoother if he gained them through weeks of practice rather than through these plot coupons (the generators). Does that make sense?
I think it’s amusing that they all want such different colors. One suggestion. If you ever make this into a comic book, don’t actually give them those colors. Not even Tim Tebow can make orange-and-blue look good.
When the point-of-view switches to Knox & Drew, I’d recommend a new chapter.
Okay, so Knox and Drew are Berserkers, right? Knox and Drew are two names that strike me as kind of white-collar. It might help to give them something a bit more rough around the edges.
“Report.” a raspy voice ordered. The period after report should be a comma.
“some Spec Ops guys that came and kicked our asses.” So he’s describing this to his boss, right? I imagine he’d probably want to cast this in a somewhat more positive light so that he doesn’t get his ass whipped off. (Not surprisingly, they both get savaged anyway. Good help is so hard to find).
“failure was not tolerated.” Could you show this?
“Cole would finally have his revenge” – I think that it’s missing a period at the end.
“so I can tear off that scaly head of yours.” Interesting phrasing choice here: “that scaly head of yours” instead of “your scaly head.” I approve! Your phrasing sounds a lot more rough around the edges.
Thanks. I’ve made a few changes, and here’s what I’ve come up with.
II: TIME FOR TRAINING
“Hey, kid,” Derek tapped him on the shoulder. “You still with us? Ya blanked out there.”
“Sorry, got distracted. What did you guys say?”
“Karnak said he wants to see what you can do,” Derek answered.
“What I can do?” Jake raised an eyebrow.
“Just what your powers are, what level you’re at so far, stuff like that.”
Alan and Derek backed away as Karnak came to stand beside him.
“Before we get started, I need to ask,” Karnak said, “what are your abilities?”
“Well,” Jake answered, “I’m pretty agile, I can stick to walls, and I control electricity.”
“Prove it. Fire off a few bursts of lightning.”
Jake raised his left hand, conjuring up a blue ball of electricity. Aiming at the sky, he fired off three shots.
“Good, good. Now I want you fire a bolt at me.”
Jake peered at him quizzically. “Seriously?”
“Just do it,” Karnak answered gently.
Behind them, Derek and Alan grinned.
“Two bucks says Karnak collapses to floor and the kid freaks out.” Alan whispered.
“How long you give Karnak?” Derek asked.
“Ten seconds, tops.”
“I’ll take that action.”
Jake took a few steps to the side and fired a beam of lightning at Karnak. The lightning surged through the alien’s body, lighting him up like a Christmas tree. Jake stopped the beam and for a while Karnak stood there, arms spread out, eyes wide, before he fell and landed on his back. For a while, all was quiet. Jake watched Karnak’s still body, while Derek and Alan grinned from the sidelines. A cough erupted from Karnak, who hacked and wheezed as he struggled to get back up.
“Never doing that again,” Karnak wheezed.
“What the hell?” Jake cried. “How did you–”
“Cellular regeneration,” Karnak answered. “Lets me heal from just about anything.”
“And the best part is, he can always be the designated driver,” Derek joked.
Jake turned to the two brothers. “What can you guys do?”
Alan walked over to Jake and pointed at a bird perched on a telephone line by the street. “See that bird? I’m gonna fire one shot, with my eyes closed, and that bird will be frozen in place.”
Jake chuckled. “You’re kidding, right? How am I even gonna know if your eyes are closed?”
Alan took off his goggles and ski mask, handing them to Derek. His face had a medium sized red-orange blot on the top left side, covering his gold eyes and scars went from his ears all the way down to his goatee. Giving one final look to the bird that was still on the telephone line, he took out a gun and closed his eyes. The bullet erupted from the gun, traveling all the way from the gun to the bird, freezing it from the inside out.
“Happy?” Alan turned to Jake.
“So, you can hit anything? No matter how far away it is?”
“That’s what I’ve been doing,” Alan said as he began to put his things back on. “People call me Bullet. Karnak is Arsenal.”
“What about you, Derek?” Jake asked.
Derek simply held his hands out, creating two flaming orbs. “My codename is Orb. You know, because orbs come out of my hands.”
“Man, that was stupid.” Jake blurted after a short silence.
“I told you. I told you that was stupid.” Alan groaned.
“Whatever,” Derek rolled his eyes. “Can we get something to eat now? Like Crazy Monkey?”
“Fine, we’ll go to Crazy Monkey.” Karnak sighed.
Derek held his arms out, and the four of them were sitting at a table in front of a bartender that was cleaning glasses. Up above them was a large wide screen TV with footage of several dead bodies lying around a flaming truck with the headline “BREAKING NEWS: THE BERZERKERS STRIKE AGAIN.” The scene then cut to a middle-aged female reporter with the picture in a small box on the top left.
“This is Cynthia Newman on FCN. We’re here at the remains of the encounter where the infamous gang known as the Berzerkers made off with a shipment of weapons intended for the police and are currently evading all available police forces. We’ll have more on this story as it develops.”
“Who are the Berzerkers?” Jake asked as he chewed on a hamburger.
Derek raised an eyebrow, then looked at where Jake pointed his finger. “They’re just some gang that goes around raising hell every once in a while.”
“Just some gang? They’ve got a cache of police weapons.” Jake snapped.
“The police can take care of it. Point is, those chumps aren’t our problem,” Derek shrugged.
“I wanted to ask,” Alan interrupted, “why are we here? Other than watching a car fly eighty feet in the air and explode.”
Karnak put down his glass of water and clear his throat. “We’re setting shop in Freedom City for two reasons. One, to teach him,” he pointed at Jake, “how to properly use his powers. And two, to provide some… assistance to the city’s police force.”
“Ugh, city scrubbing again?!” Derek shouted.
“It’s only temporary,” Karnak said as Derek began to rant, “The only other thing we’re required to do is teach Beckett about his powers, then we move on to another assignment.”
“But I hate scrubbing! Especially after last time with those Ferals.”
“There’s more to it, isn’t there?” Alan stared at Karnak. “Why we’re here on Earth?”
“Well…”
Outside, police sirens blared in the distance. There were sounds of distant gunfire and explosions before a police car crashed into the bar, sending glass, wood, and steel into the path of passerbys, creating smoke throughout the bar. Behind the rubble, two vans flew by, followed by four other police cars, all with sirens echoing through the city.
“So,” Jake coughed as the smoke began to fade, “are these chumps our problem now?”
“Fine, let’s get this over with,” Derek groaned. “Sooner the better.”
“We don’t even know where they’re going. They could be heading anywhere.” Alan emphasized.
“So then we’ll just follow the chaos.” Karnak narrowed his eyes. “Let’s go.”
The four ran out the car-shaped hole in the bar and headed around the corner to an empty alley, where Derek teleported the four to the roof. Karnak jumped in the air, hovering slightly as jets streamed from the soles of his feet before flying forward; Alan fired a beam of ice at his feet and slid down it while Derek stood behind him, watching as the ice continued to form a slide; and Jake ran behind the two, flipping and jumping over gaps with barely an effort. Karnak kept his eyes to the street, watching the two vans filled with gang members fire at the oncoming police cars, dispatching them easily. Soon after, the vans stopped at an abandoned garage, the wheels stopping in front of the door.
“There!” Karnak pointed down at the vans.
Alan ceased the ice slide as Derek grabbed his hand and teleported to the ground in front of the vans as Karnak and Jake landed beside them.
“Just make them leave the trucks,” Karnak ordered. “No need for excessive violence.”
“Leave it to me,” Derek said, forming two flaming orbs and throwing them at the truck. A second later, the Berzerkers ran away from the trucks as they flipped in the air in a symphony of explosions.
“Heh, oops,” Derek avoided the glare of the others. “At least we got them away from the trucks.”
None of them noticed that the gang members began to aim their rocket launchers and assault rifles.
“Hey!” one of them yelled. “Who the hell are you?”
The four turned toward the gangsters with a dull look.
“Us?” Derek cried. “We’re– say,” he whispered to the others, “Who are we?”
“Who cares?” Alan hissed. “Just say something!”
Derek turned back to the gangsters. “We’re, uh, Spec Ops. Yeah, that’s right! We’re Spec Ops! So give us the guns, and, uh, we won’t have to mail your asses back to ya!”
“Is that a threat?” the gangster barked.
“Nope!” Alan yelled. “It’s a promise!” Reaching behind his back, he took out a pair of guns and started firing. The gangsters spread out, firing at their adversaries while running for cover behind the destroyed trucks. Karnak morphed his hands into a grenade launcher, firing a grenade at two gangsters that ran toward them. The grenade hit the concrete between them, sending them flying into the garage door. Jake ran ahead and leaped into the air, firing lightning at the gangsters below.
“I think that’s all of them,” Alan said.
“Great. Abandoned a perfectly good pair of ribs to take down a bunch of thugs in less than ten minutes. Highlight of my day,” Derek watched the gangsters flee, firing off a few miniature orbs by their feet for good measure.
“Who cares? We stopped those criminals from hurting people. Isn’t that what you guys do?” Jake raised an eyebrow. “Help people?”
Karnak rolled his eyes at the rookie’s obliviousness. “We do help people. You just happen to be the first person we’ll help.”
“And everyone else is just collateral?” Jake asked.
“No,” Karnak hissed, meeting Jake face to face. “They’re not packing enough energy to power half a city in their body. You care about this city, I understand, but if you want to save it, then you need to be in complete control of your abilities. You should see what happens to those who don’t have control,” Karnak said as he backed away.
“Hey guys,” Alan cried, “Come here.”
The others looked at Alan, who had opened the garage door and was now examining the inside. Several computers and vehicles were scattered around, the vehicles looking like someone went to a junkyard, grabbed whatever they could and fused it onto the cars. Scrap metal was sloppily fused onto the hood and trunk, doors had several dents in them, and the windshields were stained with blood.
“This must be one of their hideouts,” Derek said.
“Really? What gave it away, the cars with their symbol on it?” Alan rolled his eyes.
Jake went to one of the computers and examined it. On the screen was a top-down picture of tubes and circles with the words “Freedom City Blueprints” in the top right corner. All around the screen were notes like “Manhole in Chang Tao’s Kitchen. Rough up Tao, get access to kitchen” and “Freedom Tower: FIND WAY TO GET THERE UNDETECTED.”
“How’d these guys get blueprints of the city?” Alan asked.
“Does it matter?” Karnak answered. “These computers have all information on the Berzerkers weapon shipments and their communication channels.”
“And if they think we torched this place,” Jake finished, “then that means they won’t be back and we’ll be free to use this tech to take them out.”
Karnak nodded and kneeled on the ground, closing his eyes. With a pained groan, his chest began to shake and expand. Two long blades protruded from each of his arms, stumbling as they crawled out from his flesh. Shortly after, Karnak threw his head back as a disgusting tearing sound erupted from his back, revealing a black box with six red lights. Karnak, his face sweaty, got up from the floor, attached the blades to the box, and put it on the keyboard.
“What’s it doing?” Jake asked.
“The backpack’s uploading the Hero tech onto this computer.” Alan explained.
“And it’s doing that… why?”
“Gives us access to the Hero software. If we want communications, weapon drop, some new tech, we’ll get it pretty quickly.”
“Thirty minutes or it’s free,” Derek grinned.
After a few minutes Karnak grabbed his backpack and jammed the blades into his chest, wincing as it rearranged itself. The computer screen flashed before showing a digitized face of a man, from what Jake could tell.
“I take it you have found a temporary base of operations?” the man asked.
“That is correct, Tenzen.” Karnak replied.
“Very well then. Thanks for keeping us updated, is there anything else?”
“Not for the moment. We’ll contact you when we have significant intel.”
“Alright then. Flashback out.” Tenzen’s face warped off the screen.
“Arsenal, Bullet, Orb. The names you guys come up with sound so good,” Jake chuckled.
“Don’t laugh, kid. You get one too.” Alan set his backpack on the ground.
Jake’s face paled. He had thought that the names were more for pleasure than business.
“I’m thinking… Sparky or Jumpstart,” Derek grinned.
“I’m thinking… neither,” Alan remarked.
“What’s wrong with mine?”
“You mean other than the fact that they’re stupid?”
While the two brothers argued, Jake walked over to Karnak, who was standing at the computer, his fingers typing swiftly on the keys.
“What are you looking at?” Jake asked.
“The city’s power grid.” Karnak answered without taking his eyes off the computer.
“What for?”
“A few weeks ago, the Berzerkers caused a massive power outage across the city.”
“But the bar we went to wasn’t powered down at all.” Jake raised an eyebrow.
“The city’s running on reserve power and they’re almost running out. So, I want you to power up one of the generators. If we provide more power to the city, then our time here will be considerably shorter.” Karnak pointed to a green blip on the map.
“The first generator is under Zen’s Theater, about ten minutes from here. Get going.”
“Shouldn’t I have a partner with me? You know, in case those guys come after my ass?”
Karnak rolled his eyes. “Derek,” he yelled, “go with the rookie to the sewer and bring him back alive.”
“Do I have to?” Derek complained as he teleported beside Jake.
“Derek,” Karnak put on his best grin, “Showing rookies how it’s done is all part of being a good leader. I mean, you are always going on about how teleporting is a real power and how you’re essential to this team. Oh well, guess I was wrong about recommending you.”
“Hey, did I say I didn’t want to?” Derek put an arm around Jake and flashed a smile. “What I meant to say was that the rookie will finally get to see a real hero in action! Come on kid, let’s go!”
“Wait! Take these,” Karnak handed them two headsets. “So we can keep in radio contact with you. I’ll use this computer to track your whereabouts and to provide whatever information I get.”
Derek nodded and the two of them teleported out of the garage.
Teleporting was not as cool as Derek thought it was. This was the third time Jake had teleported, and he could feel the food he ate at the bar threatening to come up to his mouth. More than anything, it was probably the bubble that consumed him and Derek; whenever it began to fade, Jake felt like the bubble was punching him in the stomach. Ultimately, his stomach chickened out, causing him to cough up the food he ate a few hours ago.
“Don’t worry,” Derek held him by the shoulders. “You’ll feel better after a few more times.”
“You better hope so,” Jake coughed. “If I don’t, I’m puking on your shoes.” He looked at the boarded-up theater.
“And the generator’s down below? In the sewer?” Derek shot him a nervous look.
“Yeah. Are you worried or something?”
“Well… I heard this rumor that Freedom City has giant crocodile, dog, things in their sewers that swallowed anyone who went down there whole and delivered their victims’ skulls back up topside to their families… and then eat the family!”
Jake opened up the manhole covering the entrance. “That’s just a little urban myth,” Jake said as he proceeded to head down. “‘Sides, everyone who tells that tale knows that they deliver the skull and the spine to the families.”
Derek glared at Jake’s amused grin as he stepped down the ladder. “That’s not funny, kid.”
“I thought it was funny.” Jake chuckled as he stepped off the ladder.
“It’s way too dark in here. Can you light the place up?,” Derek complained as he stood beside Jake.
Jake clapped his hands together and closed his eyes. For a moment, there was silence; when he opened his eyes again, electricity was covering both of his arms in a vibrant blue.
“Sweet,” Jake muttered to himself.
“Karnak,” Derek tapped the button on his headset. “We’re in the sewer. This place got anything we need to know about?”
“Not that I’m detecting,” Karnak’s static voice replied. “The generator should be at the end of the tunnel. Power it up and get out of there.”
Derek let go of the button on the headset and examined the sewer. Aside from what might have been the largest amount of waist raw sewage he’d ever seen, there were several pipes and platforms that he could see. Jake had already leaped to one of them, his fingers sticking to the cold metal as if he were a spider. As Jake lept to the platform across from him, Derek teleported onto the pipe, his hands trying their hardest not to slip off.
“Careful,” Jake chuckled, “wouldn’t want to fall.”
“Why?” Derek asked as Jake teleported next to him on the platform, “Something in the water I should know?”
“Just saying that maybe I wasn’t kidding about those alligators,” Jake said as he dove for another pipe.
“Funny. So, you grew up here?”
“Yeah, born and raised here most of my life. After my parents died during the Storm, I had to live with my aunt and uncle in Oregon for a few years. And when I got old enough to put some cash in my pocket, I came back.”
“Why?” Derek grabbd the pipe next to Jake. “No offense, but this place definetely doesn’t seem like it’d make the list for best places to live.”
“Just felt like I had to. Like something was calling to me.” Jake grabbed a small ledge. “What about you?”
“Well,” Derek cleared his throat as he teleported to another platform, “I grew up as a young, handsome son of a wealthy tycoon on the planet–”
“No seriously,” Jake cut in, “what’s your story?”
Derek sighed. “I grew up in the Big Apple with Al, my parents, and my sister and brother. Things were pretty simple: try out something, find what you’re good at, and stick with it. At least it was with my siblings.”
“What happened?” Jake asked.
“When you grow up with three other siblings… it’s hard to find your own identity. Lauren was the sporty achiever that every guy wanted, Isaac was the artsy type, and Alan was the selfless one, always putting his neck on the line. I was just there… a kid who didn’t meet everyone’s expectations.”
“Well,” Jake grabbed Derek’s hand as he held onto a ledge, “what did you want to do?”
“I wanted to make movies,” Derek’s child-like smile faded as quickly as it appeared. “But I couldn’t do that either.”
“How’d you get that arm?” Jake pointed at the grey robotic arm.
“Hey,” Derek chuckled after an awkward silence, “I forgot to tell you your new name.”
“Lemme guess,” Jake said, “Jolt? Sparky?”
“Nope. Your name’s Kilowatt.”
That actually isn’t so bad, Jake thought as he landed beside Derek.
“Okay, we’re in front of the generator,” Jake tapped his headset. “Now what?”
“Rip the console board. You should see two wires,” Karnak instructed.
“Yeah, I see them,” Jake watched Derek kick the board into the water. “Now what?”
“Grab both wires and give them a surge of electricity. Nothing big, though.”
Jake shut his eyes and let the electricity wrapping his arms course through the wires. The generator started to whir; the lights on it began to flicker and sparks shot out from the wires.
“That did it,” Karnak said. “The grid’s showing a steady power fluctuation in the north part of the city. Nice work. Head back to the garage.”
Jake dropped the wires, letting some of the sparks levitate toward his fingertips. Shaking his head, he grabbed Derek’s shoulder as they teleported back to the garage.
“Nice job, guys,” Alan greeted as Derek and Jake teleported into the garage.
“Couldn’t have done it without the kid,” Derek said. “He was a little scared at first, but I helped him get over it.”
Jake smiled weakly, his vision blurred. As he landed on the ground with a thud, he saw nothing but white. There was a flash and he saw a man running on a telephone wire. Gunfire came from both sides, but the man didn’t seem to notice or care. Raising his hands, the man leaped off the wire and threw a ball of electricity at his attackers, landing behind them as the ball exploded and sent them careening into the air. The man got up from the ground, electricity covering his hands. There was another flash, and Jake could see Karnak, Alan, and Derek hovering over him.
“Maybe we should call him Blackout,” Derek helped Jake up off the floor.
“Seriously,” Alan said, “you okay?”
Jake nodded. “I’m fine. I’m just a little tired from giving all that juice.”
“Kid, if you get tired from that, you’re not gonna like what other stuff we do.” Alan took off his ski mask.
“What other stuff do you do?”
“Rescue hostages, protect politicians, blow things up. Then we get lunch, and we enter the rush hour.”
“Great,” Jake rolled his eyes.
“Don’t worry,” Derek reassured, “after a while you’ll get used to– what’s in your hand?”
Jake raised his arm and looked at the glowing ball in his hand. Hesitantly, he dropped the ball on the floor. The ball stayed in the middle of the four Heroes before exploding and knocking them back.
“What the hell was that? Better yet, how did you do that?” Derek wheezed, wiping the smoke from the air.
“I don’t know,” Jake coughed. “When I blacked out, I saw someone do that.”
“You saw someone? Like a vision? Since when could you do that?”
Jake shrugged. “Since I charged up the generator, I guess?”
“How does that happen?” Derek asked skeptically.
“The electrical surge must have unlocked some power within him,” Karnak mused.
“Cool,” Jake nodded. “If more generators equals more powers, then I’m in.”
Jake created a smaller ball of lightning in his hand, letting it stay there before it vanished.
“Hey guys,” Alan said as he checked the computer, “what’s tomorrow?”
“The eighteenth,” Derek answered. “Why?”
“The computer’s got this message from another Berzerker outpost. They’ve got a shipment of tech coming tomorrow at three.”
“Then we’ll intercept it,” Karnak scoffed. “We could use the technology.”
Derek walked over to Karnak, “Speaking of which, when are we gonna get new suits? I hate just wearing my regular clothes.”
“I suppose I can get some suits,” Karnak sighed. “What color do you want?”
“Orange,” Derek answered.
“Steel grey,” Alan said.
“Blue,” Jake replied.
“And I get black,” Karnak muttered, typing a few keys on the computer. “They should be here tomorrow.”
“Great,” Derek yawned. “In the meantime, I’m getting some sleep.” Grabbing his mechanical arm, Derek yanked it off slowly, letting a painful hiss erupt from his mouth. Dropping the arm on the floor, Derek lied down beside it as he began to sleep. Karnak and Alan followed suit; Alan set his stuff by the computer and curled into a ball while Karnak got in a meditative position and closed his eyes. Jake sat down, creating another ball of electricity in his hands. Concentrating, he split the ball in two, the other rotating in his hand. Clenching his hands into fists, the balls disappeared and Jake began to sleep.
III: VILLAIN
“The boss is not gonna be happy about this, Knox.”
“He’s never happy, Drew. But you’re right, he’s gonna be pissed. I just hope we don’t get the whips.”
“I hate the whips so much.”
The two Berzerkers gulped loudly as the elevator doors opened, revealing a long hallway with dimmed lights. Silently, the two walked down, opening the door slightly. Knox peered his head out, seeing nothing but darkness.
“Well?” Drew asked.
“He’s meditating. We should come later.” Knox whispered.
“If we do, he’ll be even more pissed.”
Knox was about to whisper something back until he noticed a red shimmer in the darkness. Silently, he grabbed Drew and dragged him inside, closing the door behind him.
“Report,” a raspy voice ordered.
“We took the shipment of cop guns you told us about.” Drew said.
“Good. Where are they?”
“Well, there’s a problem.” Knox could feel his face turning red with embarassment. “We were gonna put them in that garage like you said, but…”
“But?” the voice tensed.
“The trucks were destroyed.” Drew answered.
“Yeah, there were some Spec Ops guys that came.”
“Spec Ops?” the voice whispered.
“Yeah. Three humans and a Xan.” Knox gulped. “We tried to hold ‘em off, but they had these weird powers. One of them was kinda like you, boss.”
For a moment, all was silent except for the nervous breathing of Drew and Knox.
“Boss? You there?” Drew asked after a minute of silence.
Suddenly, red tendrils emerged from the room, wrapping themselves around Drew and Knox. Groaning silently, the two Berzerkers writhed on the ground as the tendrils encased them in cocoons. The last thing they saw was their boss standing over them, his red eyes showing anger.
Cole summoned the lightning back to his fingertips, watching the smoked bodies with mock pity. He really didn’t want to kill them, but failure was not tolerated. Not after all that he’d done for them. Clenching his hands into fists, he walked out the door, grinning to himself. He already knew of the Xanardian the two had referred to. He just didn’t think it’d be five years before he saw him. After five long, damaging years, Cole would finally have his revenge.
I hope you remember me, Karnak. Because I remember wanting to tear off that scaly head of yours.
Also, here’s the revised chapter one.
I: BAIL HAS BEEN PAID
They all just stood there, watching him with rapt attention. He watched them with excitement, knowing that he something they’d never come across. Clenching his fists, he jumped down from his pedestal. With a maniacal laugh, he landed in front of them, wiping them all out in the process.
“Why save when I can destroy?”
Four months, thirteen days, eighteen hours, and five minutes. That was how long Jake Beckett had been inside this… he didn’t even know what to call it. Cell? Holding Pen? Whatever it was, it was a long time to not see sunlight. He had a brief glimpse of it when he tried to get out last Tuesday, but it wasn’t enough to give him a sense of where he was. He only knew two things: that he wasn’t as far away from real civilization as he had thought, and the electricity bouncing in his hands was making his fingers tingle. He’d been doing that a lot, finding it pretty entertaining to play “electric ping-pong” with himself.
“Only thing keeping me from going insane,” he muttered to himself.
That was a battle he found himself losing. Aside from that dream and spending lots of his time practicing his powers, there was nothing to do. He’d… “asked” a guard more than once to travel outside but the guards hired by Krios Corp had apparently known about electric torture in advance. The only other option was asking a higher-up, but according to them, that privilege was reserved for “those who were trustworthy enough to have control over their powers”. That, to Jake, was code for “after the blown fuse box? No way in hell”.
“Ugh,” Jake groaned, “I’m sooo bored!”
Answering his cry for help, his cell door opened, revealing Flashback. The dark-skinned man looked a little worse for wear than the last time Jake saw him, if that was at all possible. It was his face; he looked as if he’d spent three months at a hospital while terminally ill.
“Hello, Jacob,” Flashback greeted, his mouth forming into a weary grin.
“Hey Tenney,” Jake waved, “I haven’t seen you since Friday. Or was it Saturday?”
“As I’ve asked time and again, please don’t call me that.”
“Aw,” Jake grinned, “but it just rolls nicely off the tongue. Tenny. Makes you sound more… exciting. But maybe I’d stop calling you that in exchange for, say… a night out on the town?”
“I take it that you feel fine after your attempted escape?” Tenzen half expected that.
“My arms and legs are just fine, Tenny. Not that your friends helped any.”
Tenzen sighed, “I did say attempting to escape would be unwise.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t say that I’d end up knocked into three walls,” Jake said. He held up three fingers for emphasis.
“As fun as it is discussing your four day concussions, I’d like to introduce you to someone.” Tenzen turned his head to the door and softly nodded before turning his attention back to Jake.
“Hey there,” Jake extended a hand. Karnak didn’t shake it.
“Greetings. I look forward to working with you and helping you hone your powers,” Karnak lied through his teeth .
“Karnak has decided to make you a part of his team,” Tenzen explained.
“Team for what?” Jake’s eyes narrowed.
“A team to train you,” Karnak answered. “Based on what I’ve heard, you… don’t exactly like it here. Tenzen thinks that you can learn your powers better in a more… urban environment.”
Jake’s eyes widened. “You mean a city? With food, and real air?”
Tenzen nodded.
“I’m in!” Jake grinned excitedly. “When do we start?”
Karnak smirked. Now the fun would begin.
“Follow me.”
Jake walked out the door beside Karnak, smiling brightly. After four months, thirteen days, eighteen hours, and eleven minutes, he’d finally been given something to do.
Karnak didn’t know what he’d get with this Jake Beckett he’d asked to have on his team. He only knew that the human in question was able to manipulate electricity and that in and of itself boggled Karnak’s mind. Not so much the power he could control, just the fact that he had the power and didn’t end up going power crazy. Yet, anyway. Electrics, as Karnak called them, had a habit of… changing, usually around the time they figured out how to channel their element. So either Jake was well past the point of insanity, or he had just discovered that he had powers. Karnak couldn’t tell, but as Tenzen introduced the human, who simply nodded before jumping down off the top of the wall, his teeth grinding as he landed his bare feet onto the steel floor, he began to lean toward the former. Jake looked young, about a little older than a human teenager, with short black hair and electric blue eyes that sent a chill down the Xanardian’s spine. He seemed normal, but on the other hand, anybody who sat on the wall when having a conversation was definetely not normal.
After several elevators and sub-levels, Karnak and Jake finally reached their destination. The Stomping Grounds, as some of Jake’s friends called it. It was a large dome, almost the size of five warehouses. In the center of the dome were the two men Karnak had been looking at in the car. The man wearing the ski mask carried two machine pistols in his hands, jumping and weaving his way out of the lasers pointed at various points of his body. The other man to his right had two glowing arms in his hands, throwing them at mechanical arms with a cocky smirk on his face.
“I could use your help here!” the gunman growled.
“On it!” the man with the orbs replied.
Dissipating the orbs in his hands, he ran forward, dodging the lasers and vanishing into thin air. Four seconds later, he was in front of the laser turrets, creating two red orbs in his hands before throwing them at the turrets, watching them explode.
“Happy now?”
The gunman nodded with approval, dropping one as he fired a light blue beam from his hand, freezing the third turret.
“And that’s game,” the man with the orbs said.
“And I win, again.” the gunman replied cockily.
“Like hell you did, Al. I beat your score, just like last time.”
“Really? Tell me Derek, was this before or after the tranquilizers?”
The two argued during their entire walk to Karnak and Jake, stopping in front of the alien.
“Hey, boss man,” Derek greeted. “Who’s the kid?”
“This is Jake,” Karnak answered. “Our new teammate. Jake, these are the Brocks, Alan and Derek.”
Alan, the one with the gun, simply nodded in greeting while Derek waved his right hand– mechanical, along with the rest of his arm– and left it at that.
“So if the kid’s here, does that mean we’ve got the OK to go topside?” Derek asked.
“Yes, Derek,” Karnak sighed, “we can go topside.”
“Finally!” Alan groaned. “It’s been so long since I’ve had a good drink.”
“Wait,” Jake cut in, “what do you mean ‘topside’? What city are we in?”
“Derek, take us topside.” Karnak ordered.
Happily, Derek spread his arms wide, touching Alan and Karnak’s shoulders. An ethereal green light began to wash over the four of them, and in a flash they were gone.
Half a minute later, the four of them were on a rooftop overlooking the city. The sky was dark orange, mixing violently with the lighter colored sun. Below, there were citizens shuffling around, like aimless sheep.
“Smell that real, human air,” Alan stretched his arms out, smiling.
“You’re not lying, brother. First thing we should do: grab a bite to eat. What do you say, Karnak? Let’s celebrate and take the kid out for a night on the town?” Derek gazed at the sky.
Jake ignored the conversation between his three teammates; he was solely focused on the city. The whole time he was “incarcerated”, he thought about going back to Freedom City, to his home, and staying there for the rest of his life without causing any trouble at all. And now, the whole time, he’d been only one flash away from it?
“So, what happens now?” Jake asked.
“Now?” Derek grinned. “Now, we start the life saving.”
Suddenly, the words from his dream ran through his head. Why save when he could destroy?
If anyone’s reading this, I’ve posted the same chapter about three times now and it hasn’t appeared. Have I exceeded some sort of space limit? If so, please delete every comment from before 1.3.2010. Thanks.
No, you haven’t exceeded any space limit. I don’t think there is one, we’ve had some long comments before. I’ll look into it now.
Try posting it again.
IV: POWER
“Well, look what we got here,” Alan said.
It had been eleven-thirty by the time all four of them woke up. With four and a half hours to spare before they had to grab the Berzerker tech, they’d killed time by going through as much of the city as they could. By the time they returned to the garage at two-fifteen, there was a small box on top of the computer containing the suits Karnak called for last night. They were all simple spandex suits with combat boots and gloves. Each matched the wearer’s color; Jake had a vibrant blue, Karnak had dark black, Alan had steel grey, and Derek had light orange. Now, it was two-fifty-eight and Alan was with Jake and Derek, watching the rundown apartment where the shipment was taking place.
“What?” Jake asked. “I don’t see anything.”
Alan put his binoculars down. “Sorry. I forgot that you don’t have my binoculars.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The suits have special functions specific to the wearer’s powers. Al’s got binoculars that increases his vision.” Derek explained.
“What about yours?”
“My suit gives me stuff to use as material for my orbs and Karnak’s backpack supplies him with weapons.”
“What does mine do?”
Alan shrugged. “No clue. Guess you’ll find out– hold up, someone’s coming.” There was a man with three bags standing in front of the apartment, scanning the street left and right. In front of them were a pair of Berzerkers riding red and yellow motorcycles.
“Shouldn’t we do something?” Derek whispered.
Alan raised his binoculars up to his face. “Not yet. We need to make sure that they’ve got the tech.”
The guy with the bags held them up for the Berzerkers to see. One of them took out a wad of money and got off his bike, slipping the wad into the dealer’s greedy fingers.
“This better be everything,” one Berzerker growled.
“Trust me, there ain’t a single thing missing,” the dealer slipped the money into his pocket. “You got my word.”
“Oh, I hope so,” Derek teleported behind the motorcycles alongside Alan and Jake. “Because we’d hate to beat you guys up if we don’t have everything we need.”
Alan took out an assault rifle and aimed it at the Berzerkers. “The stuff. Give it.”
The second Berzerker looked at Alan, then the bags, then Alan again. Hesitantly, he handed the bags over, ignoring the glare from his comrade. Alan grabbed one bag and handed the other two over to Derek.
“The bikes too,” Alan ordered.
The gang members got off their bikes without any trouble, casting knowing looks toward each other. Alan got on one by himself while Derek and Jake took the other. Revving the engine, the three took off, not noticing one of the Berzerkers press a button on his glove.
“Hey Arsenal,” Bullet tapped his headset. “We’ve got the stuff and we’re heading to the garage.”
“Negative. Head to the coordinates I’m about to send you.” Arsenal ordered.
“On it. Orb, you guys get that?”
The bikes moved past a row of taxis. “Yeah. My arm’s got the coordinates. Just follow us.”
Suddenly, an explosion erupted from behind them. Kilowatt looked back and saw four Berzerker cars with machine guns strapped to the doors. One of the cars sped up, firing at the wheels on Orb’s bike.
“Take the wheel for a sec,” Orb said to Kilowatt, teleporting. Half a second later he sat behind Kilowatt with a grin on his face.
“Hey guys, we should speed up,” Orb yelled, switching positions with Kilowatt.
“Why?” Bullet asked.
“Time’s a factor,” Orb replied speeding up.
Two seconds later, one of the Berzerker cars exploded, careening in midair. Revving their engines, the Berzerker cars sped up beside Orb and Bullet. One of them rammed their car into Bullet’s bike, bringing him closer to Orb and Kilowatt. Backing up, Bullet fired a beam of ice at the car, stopping it in its tracks. Another motorcycle dashed ahead of the frozen bike, firing at Bullet’s wheel. Bullet took out a pistol and shot at the driver, watching the car spin out of control behind them. The next wave of Berzerkers were on motorcycles similar to Bullet and Orb’s, only with the riders each holding a sword in their hand. One rider swiped at Kilowatt, cutting his right arm and cheek, while the other cut Bullet’s pistol.
“I got this,” Kilowatt cried, balling his hands into a fist. Channeling lightning to his fingers, he turned around and fired at the first cycle, knocking one of the rear view mirrors fall off.
“Crap,” he muttered, firing again. The cycle moved away from the stream of lightning quickly, nudging the back of Kilowatt and Orb’s cycle.
“Hey kid,” Orb snapped, swerving back and forth, “maybe you wanna try aiming. We’re trying to get rid of these guys.”
Extending a hand, he charged it with lightning and fired at the rider, knocking him off and watching the bike screech and slide through the street. Grinning triumphantly, he turned his attention to the cycle next to him and threw a ball of lightning at the front wheel, watching the ball spin before enveloping it completely and exploding in an electric haze.
“We’re almost at Karnak’s position,” Bullet said, taking a hard right past construction equipment. “Should be right… here!” Pointing at a warehouse with dents in the walls and profane words written in graffiti.
“You have the tech?” Karnak said, raising an eyebrow at the scars and bruises on his teammates.
Bullet nodded. “Had a small legion of gangsters try and hack our limbs off, but we’re all good. Why’d you call us here?”
“There was an alert on the computer. Something here’s giving off a considerable pulse of energy. And since the rookie can get powers from charging up things like generators…”
“You wanna see if I’ll get another power.” Jake finished, hopping off the bike.
Karnak nodded and morphed his arm into a shotgun, blowing a hole in the door.
“You two stay here,” Karnak said to Orb and Bullet as he walked inside behind Jake. It looked like the standard abandoned place; broken windows, destroyed machinery lying around everywhere and rusting metal. Claw marks adorned the walls and floor while body imprints had somehow ended up on the ceiling.
“What happened here?” Karnak muttered.
Jake walked across the factory to the door marked “maintenance.” With a flick of his wrist, a spark of lightning jumped from his index finger and struck the doorknob, knocking it off.
“On three.” Karnak whispered as Jake pressed a hand to the door.
“One…” Jake enveloped his fist with lightning.
“Two…” Karnak morphed his left arm into a shotgun.
“Three!” Jake kicked the door open, circling the room beside Karnak. Aside from a few papers on the multiple tables, there was no sign that anybody had been around. Karnak picked up a few of the papers, squinting his eyes. On the side were pictures of a black rock with lines coming from it and a person surrounded by some sort of field.
“Flashback,” Arsenal tapped his ear comm. “Can you get a visual on what I’m seeing?”
“Yes, I can. Bring the paper closer to you.” Flashback ordered.
“Let’s see here… radiation… power…” Arsenal could hear Flashback mutter to himself.
“If I’m reading this right, then whoever was here was trying to find a way to use an irradiated rock to give themselves or others powers.”
“Can you do that?”
“According to this paper you can,” Flashback huffed over the radio. “I don’t understand… I’m looking at the rest of the room and it appears that the technology is our own.”
Arsenal raised an eyebrow. “There are Heroes here in Freedom City?”
“None except you and your team. At least, none that the records are pulling up.”
“Hey, check this out,” muttered. In his hand was the rock from the paper. It was no bigger than his fist and the lines swirled calmly.
“Will this help?” Jake raised the rock up to Karnak’s face.
“No. I’m not getting anything.” Flashback said, disappointed.
Arsenal set the papers down on the floor and took the rock from Kilowatt.
“Charge it up,” he said, handing it back to his partner. Closing his eyes, Kilowatt covered the rock entirely with his hands, channeling some of his power into it. Lightning shot out from his fists, striking the wall and Arsenal (the latter of which grumbled about it while he healed).
“Anything?” Arsenal asked.
“No. I’m gonna juice it up some more,” Kilowatt cried, pouring more of his power into the rock. Arsenal crouched to the ground as more lightning crackled throughout the room, sending the papers flying.
“Alright, that’s enough! You can stop now!” Arsenal shouted.
“Hold on, I think I’ve got it!” Kilowatt shouted.
“I’M ORDERING YOU TO STOP RIGHT NOW!” Arsenal put his clawed hands on top of Kilowatt’s and started to pry his fingers open. Without any warning, a wave of light shot out from Kilowatt’s hands, knocking them both through the wall.
The first thing that ran through Jake’s mind was that he was not in the warehouse. If anything, he wasn’t too far from the warehouse, but far enough to not have Alan or Derek come pick him up from the concrete that his body was now sitting on as if it were a bed. The second thing was that Karnak was, without a doubt, going to give him hell for disobeying him. Hopefully, Jake had gotten a power and the satisfaction of acquiring it would stave off Karnak’s retribution.
“Are you alright?”
Painfully lifting his face up from the ground, Jake saw a thin man with a small beard and red eyes kneeling next to him. He held a hand out expectantly, worry struck across his aging face. With some effort, Jake grabbed the hand and got back up, almost tripping on his own feet.
“What happened?” the man asked.
“Just, uh, some demolition work gone wrong.” Jake said, wiping some smoke from his face.
“Really?” the man raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah. This warehouse is gonna be a gym in a few months, but our boss wanted us to tear it down before rebuilding it.”
“Uh… huh. And you’re sure you’re okay?”
“Yep,” Jake rubbed the back of his head. “Perfectly fine.”
“Well then, I’ll let you get back to your work.” Jake nodded and began to leave.
“And Jake?” Jake turned his head to the man. “The powers become greater with time and practice. Remember that.”
Jake looked at the man with shock. How did he–
“What the hell were you thinking?!” Jake felt a pair of hands yank him by the shirt. It was Karnak, his eyes red and bloodshot. The injuries from the explosion that adorned his face were healing, leaving three scars across his right eye. Alan and Derek were behind him, watching with fear and amusement.
“I told you to stop powering the rock!” Karnak growled, letting go of Jake.
“I couldn’t stop! The rock started giving me power. And then you came along.” Jake shot back, dusting off his suit.
“Whatever,” Karnak muttered, walking past Derek and Alan. “Let’s go.”
“You alright, kid?” Alan asked as Jake caught up to him.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jake muttered, rubbing his hands.
“Don’t worry,” Derek patted him on the back. “He acts like that toward everyone. He likes you.”
“He’s got a funny way of showing it,” Jake wrung his hands.
“Something wrong with your hands?” Alan asked as they arrived at their bikes.
“I can’t stop shaking,” Jake’s arms trembled. Blue light covered his hands before a disc three curved blades emerged from each hand.
“What the hell?” Derek raised an eyebrow.
“Another power?” Karnak eyed the blades with wonder.
“No, this happens every time my hands shake,” Jake rolled his eyes. “Of course it’s another power!”
“So what do they do?” Alan watched the discs with fascination.
“Let’s find out,” Jake threw the discs out of his hands, watching them spin in the air and dematerialize. A moment later, they reappeared in his hands, silently humming before fading completely.
“That’s cool,” Derek grinned.
“Indeed,” Karnak supressed a smile. “But you still need to follow my orders. If something happens to you, I’m the one that has to answer to top brass.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Jake rolled his eyes. “Who’s up for some food?”
“I’m in,” Derek teleported next to his bike. “But you get the bill.”
“Says who?”
“Says tradition. Rookie always pays for the first meal.”
Jake got on the other bike and revved the engine. “How about we race to see who pays?” he cried as he sped off.
“Cheater!” Derek yelled as he hopped on his bike and sped after his fleeing teammate. Alan and Karnak shrugged their shoulders before taking off, unaware of the figure in the warehouse watching their every move. And even if had, they would’ve been dead before they did a double take. But the rookie, Jake, he had potential. Playing with him was going to be fun.
So what do you think? Sound off below!
Now it says that I’m double posting.
Would it just be easier to have another review forum?
I don’t think it’s the forum. I think it’s probably the comment. Try posting it somewhere else and if it works I’ll move it here.
I did and it still isn’t working.
Hmm, this is odd. I’ve never encountered a problem of this magnitude. I’m afraid this is out of my hands. When B. Mac gets back I’m sure he’ll know what to do. Until then, would you like to work on anything else?
Sometimes our spam-filters get peevish. I went through the spam list and manually approved your post, SR. RB, I think you and Tom have the ability to do the same. (I searched the spam list for ShardReaper and that’s how I found his comment there).
Would you like me to clear out the comments below 1/3/2010 anyway?
Oh, silly me. I was looking in the pending section. Sorry about that, ShardReaper.
Yeah, it is VERY rare for the spam-filter to chuck comments directly into the spam folder rather than the pending folder. As far as I can remember, it’s only happened twice out of something like 16,000 comments. (I’m not actually sure how many comments we’ve had because I delete a few hundred from the List of Superpowers every month to make sure that it loads normally).
Hey, Shard Reaper, just dropping you a note to say that I’m really enjoying this story so far! The setting feels very real, and I like the characters too – particularly Derek and Alan. Your sense of humour is great, too.
The only thing I’m concerned about so far is Jake gaining new powers so rapidly without working for them. He also doesn’t seem to have much trouble controlling them at the moment. And Karnak forgives him very quickly considering he disobeyed orders.
Basically, Jake keeps gaining new powers, but there doesn’t seem to be any downsides to them. It would feel more realistic if they were more difficult for him to control, or at least that it caused some friction with his teammates.
I’m definitely going to be keeping up with this story though. I’m intrigued. Good work!
Don’t worry. Jake’s powers are gonna start backfiring and Karnak isn’t gonna let his disobedience go.
NinjaStrife, you’re the same person as ShardReaper, right?
Yes. I accidentally switched names for something else.
Ah, okay. I figured as much–it would have been a bit strange for a stranger to declare how the story would develop.