May 23 2009

Burnsauce Johnson’s Review Forum

Published by at 10:26 pm under Review Forums

Please see the comments below. Thanks!

4 responses so far

4 Responses to “Burnsauce Johnson’s Review Forum”

  1. Burnsauce Johnsonon 31 May 2009 at 9:25 am

    I am writing a paranormal/fantasy comic. It centers around a child prodigy named Hideo “Twitch” Matsumoto. Twitch is a member of a group of royal guardians, as well as an orphan adopted into an elite family in the world we would the after life. Twitch is exiled from his home universe to our realm by a group of aristocrats who are offended by his underprivileged beginnings. At first, all Twitch seeks is revenge against those who exiled him, but his objective changes a mysterious man named Gunnar alerts Twitch to a scheme intended to destroy his home world (masterminded by those who cast him out nonetheless!). The two team up soon after to stop this plan at once.

    Like it? No?

    If this is too cheesy/stupid/cliché, please let me know so I can improve it…

    (If more details are desired, let me know so I can make them available)

  2. B. Macon 31 May 2009 at 9:38 am

    The plot sounds ok, although a bit thin.

    I’m a bit more concerned about Twitch. What’s he like? What’s his personality like? Why will readers want to read about him? Etc.

  3. Trollitradeon 31 May 2009 at 9:54 am

    Hello there, Burnsauce! It sounds like an interesting idea so far, but I would love some more details. What kind of child prodigy is Twitch? Does it have something to do with this being a paranormal comic? Does he see ghosts and zombies and stuff, and constantly get himself in trouble with the aristocrats for trying to stop the undead (which other people can’t see?).

    What did he actually do to the aristocrats to make them want to exile him? I get that they’re probably incredibly shallow, nose-in-the-air kind of folks, but they should have a good reason to go through the trouble of actually banishing this poor kid. So other than being offensive the nobles because he comes from a poor family, what makes them hate our hero?

    Since he’s been adopted into an elite family, maybe not everyone in the family is pleased about it. Why was he adopted? Maybe the mother of his elite family wanted him because she comes from an originally poor family, but her family became wildly wealthy and successful when she was a teenager, and she became eligible for a wealthy husband. So in her new, wealthy, married family, she felt sympathy for Twitch, who also comes from poor means, and decided to adopt him. And maybe the father (head man of the family) really dislikes the idea because it’s an embarrassment, and probably would not hear of keeping Twitch, the miserable little urchin. And yet, perhaps Twitch’s paranormal abilities (if he’s got any) prove to be useful to the father in some way, so he allows Twitch to stay with them because he is “useful”, but he has to stay away from family banquets. >_>

    And maybe he’s got a brother or sister who is jealous of Twitch because of the affection he gets from their mother? This brother/sister was their first and only child before they adopted Twitch, so he really hates him.

    So perhaps something paranormal happens during an important banquet or something, and Twitch causes a huge ruckus… and due to his own personality flaws or inexperience, he makes the situation much worse, and does something unforgivable. So perhaps the father, brother/sister, or some important windbag from the banquet/ceremony conspires to banish him to the earth world and be rid of the boy forever?

    Or maybe somebody important realizes that Twitch’s powers/prodigy skills actually threaten his/her plan to eliminate the Earth dimension? Like, some freak in the aristocrats’ dimension has his heart set on blowing the earth away (hopefully for a really good, self-justifiable reason), but Twitch finds out on accident, or proves to be a threat?

    I’m not sure how this all goes along. ^_^;; I’m actually confused about where Twitch is, and when.

    So he’s the adopted son of an elite family in the OTHER world, or our world? And he’s a royal guard in the alternate world, too, but then he gets banished to Earth for being poor and a freak? Or is he a royal guard on Earth for some reason? And okay, if his “original” world is the Aristocrats one, and he’s been banished to earth, WHOSE world are the evil guys trying to destroy? Earth/where they banished Twitch, or his “home world”, which is where the Aristocrats live? Why would they want to destroy their own world?

    If you intend for the Aristocrats to destroy their OWN world, then maybe you could play with an angle where he was banished under false pretenses to protect him from the destruction and cleansing of his home world. So it when seemed like the people who banished him despised him, they were actually sparing him from the destruction they had planned? But then Twitch and Gunnar get involved with it because obviously, a whole world getting destroyed sounds like bad news?

    Anyways, that’s all I’ve got in the suggestions department, but it’s hard for me to give you constructive criticism because I really don’t have much information about your storyline details. Also, it would really help to swing some focus onto your characters, Twitch and Gunnar. Give a detailed description of their personalities, strengths, weakness, and personality flaws. And what’s their motivation for going to save a world where apparently, everybody hates Twitch? He wants revenge on them, yeah? But there must be a lot of people from his home world that he wants to save. It should be worth saving, and not merely because it’s “ethically correct” of Twitch to go save the world. Why does he want to risk his life to do that?

    Good luck, Burnsauce! ^_^

  4. Burnsauce Johnsonon 31 May 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Details you want, details you get…

    B.Mac, you’re curious about Twitch. Lemme tell you. He is somewhat of an intellectual fighter. He prefers to outwit and confuse foes, but he’ll kill when necessary. He uses mental challenges to defeat his opponents, like Lelouch from Code Geass or Light Yagami or L from Death Note (google them if they don’t ring a bell). His personality is very easy going. He’d rather not be near the center of the massive scheme masterminded by the aristocracy of his home world, but he sees it as his duty to protect the innocent people who would be endangered by it. He is also prone to rash behavior and violent outbursts when caught in a tight spot or when the tide of a battle turns against him and his allies.

    As for you Trollitrade…
    Twitch comes from a world we would call the Spirit World (think along the lines of Bleach). Being from this world means he IS a spirit/ghost/specter.

    By prodigy, I mean a proficient swordsman with the ability to manipulate ice (with wits to match).

    Twitch was brought into the Matsumoto family by member of the same royal bodyguards that Twitch is part of now, a man by the name of Naoko Matsumoto. Naoko is the bastard child of a rich businessman in the spirit world and a sucessful member of the Red Guard, the group of bodyguards his son is a part of now. When his father died, Naoko was left the sole hier to his father’s estate, without a sibling or relative to contest it. Also, Naoko had no wife or child to leave as HIS hier. He was traveling through a densely populated, relatively poor part of their world on an assignment when he came across an orphaned child about the age of five. He couldn’t stand leaving the child there so he brought the child ,who he decided to name “Hideo” (japanese name meaning “excellent male”), back with him to the capital city of Armada. He nicknamed the child Twitch because, of course, a slight twitch the child had for a while. Now in Armada, Twitch recieved an education like any other child within the aristocracy, only he was viewed as different by his colleagues. He did make a few friends of similar origins when he entered the training academy for the Red Guard, entered upon his father’s suggestion.

    You got the perosnality of the aristocrats dead on…they see Twitch and his adoptive family as disrespecting the upper class by mingling with the lower classes of their world. In their eyes, this disrespect justifies all of their actions (pertaining to or directed at Twitch and his kin) listed below.

    The aristocrats don’t want to destroy their world, per se, more like they want to “cleanse” their world of all those they see as inferior. Not to give the entire thing away, but they plan to summon an ancient god. They hope this god will see them as allies, with all the other denizens of the spirit world as foes who must be destroyed.
    This is part of Twitch’s banishment. Twitch’s father dicovered the other aristocrats’ plan. Knowing he might be targeted as well, Naoko decided to confront the others. In this confrontation, Naoko is killed. Twitch, already a excellent swordsman, witnesses his father’s death while on route to help him and goes into a bit of a blind fury, cutting down the one who killed his father. After this, Twitch flees for his life, seeing dozens of soldiers coming to investigate. At this point, Twitch flees to our world (the world of the living) to escape the soldiers and other royal bodyguards. The aristocrats see Twitch as nothing more than an annoyance, so they do nothing at first, but once they realize that Twitch may know of their plan and potentially foil it, the aristocrats make up some bogus charges and declare Twitch public enemy number one. They then send some of Twitch’s fellow bodyguard friend to eliminate him, but a few of the ones loyal to him join him and Gunnar…

    Oh yeah, about Gunnar. He is like a mentor character to Twitch, acting as such in addition to brotherlike character as well. Personality wise, Gunnar is a show off. He enjoys blowing things up in spectacular ways, but he’s an all around good guy. Gunnar was born many centuries before the main storyline in the spirit world but he appears only about 30 in age. Through many travels through the spirit world and our world, he has picked up all sorts of arcane knowledge. This includes knowledge of the schemes of the aristocrats. Usually disconnected from people he encounters, he feels sympathy with Twitch upon meeting him and learning Twitch’s identity. Gunnar has heard rumors of a child exiled from the spirit world from unspeakable crimes, but he knows them to be lies. He offers to help Twitch train to be able to defeat those who exiled him, mainly a man I forgot to mention earlier by the name of Wilhem Marsa. Wilhem is the one who cooked up the false charges against Twitch and is the son of the man who killed Naoko Matsumoto and was subsequently killed by Twitch….

    Now I’m tired…all of this was not previously written down… I had to pluck it all from my head like ripe grapes…. Anywho, if you need more details, just let me know….

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