Apr 13 2009

Collision’s Review Forum

Published by at 11:12 am under Review Forums

Please check the comments below.  Thanks.

2 responses so far

2 Responses to “Collision’s Review Forum”

  1. Collisionon 21 Apr 2009 at 11:22 am

    This is part of my story of a kid with demonic powers so what do you think

    The jeep speed off, the body of the deceased woman slowly washed away by the heavy rain getting rid all of the evidence. “I’m going to be rescue soon, you know” Trevor said, the man who was sitting on the passenger seat turned around and said “what are you talking about kid, it’s over no one knows you exist anymore”. For a moment Trevor thought about what the man said, what did he mean no one knows he exists? Maybe the dreams were not real but all Trevor dreams were real, Trevor dreamed one day his mum was going to die but he didn’t when, that is why he couldn’t save his mum. Maybe he was going to be rescued but not now, maybe years to come.

    Trevor was starting to lose all hope when the jeep suddenly stopped; the back door of jeep suddenly opened a hand reached out grabbed Trevor “your coming with us right now”. Trevor panicked his chest tightened he couldn’t breathe properly, his head was spinning he couldn’t think straight when he saw what grabbed him, it was his dead mum how can he mistaken the woman looked exactly like his mum. “What are you doing, leave him he is our package “shouted the man. “The boss is going to kill us if lose this kid” said the woman who was in the driving seat, “we are not losing the kid I think it’s time we transform” said the man. Then he and his female partner got out of the jeep, the colour of their skin turned red, a long tail with fur at the end grew from their back side, horns also grew on top of their heads, pointy ears also grew and finally sharp long teeth had appeared. “I think we are ready” said the female and both let out this terrible screeching sound, Trevor quickly covered his ears afraid he might go deaf.

  2. Sandmanon 07 Jun 2009 at 9:20 am

    Cool. There are a few punctuation issues, commas where there should be full stops. but otherwise it looks good, although I might suggest giving the man and woman names or at least recognitions [eg. flannel jacket, trucker hat, gold earrings etc.] to tell the various characters apart.

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