Apr 01 2009

Retardised Whovian’s Second Review Forum

Published by at 7:52 pm under Review Forums

I’m trying to write a manga in the fantasy, comedy, adventure and magical knight genres. I’m not sure how long it will last, but the plot below is for the first arc.

The Plot: Keeak was a great hero to the people of Kalomode, a coastal town in an unspecified country. He killed creatures that had been sent out to gather power for Langi, god of evil, and built up his own power to seal Langi away. However, he accidentally sealed himself in, but not before throwing his pendant to his younger brother, Neon. Keeak’s family abandons all hope, before lying to the police and saying that he ran away.

Seven years later, Neon is old enough to use the pendant and the magic associated with it. At first he holds onto it as a reminder of Keeak, but the creatures start surfacing again and he has to fight them. At the same time, he begins to hear a voice. It’s Keeak, who is begging him to unseal the realm of Langi so he can escape. Neon begins to build up his magic for it, while trying to maintain a secret identity.

Target Audience: I imagine it would appeal to guys more than girls, between the ages of 13-18.

Comparable Works: It could probably be compared to DNAngel by Yukiru Sugisaki and The Dreaming by Queenie Chan. At times it will have the feel of DNAngel (more lighthearted) and at other times it will be more like The Dreaming (dark, foreboding, creepy, mysterious).

How Thick Is My Skin? Go easy on me, but point out the errors or potential problems.

39 responses so far

39 Responses to “Retardised Whovian’s Second Review Forum”

  1. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 09 Apr 2009 at 10:18 pm

    Can you please put this at the top of the forum? Thanks.

    I’m trying to write a manga in the fantasy, comedy, adventure and magical knight genres. I’m not sure how long it will last, but the plot below is for the first arc.

    The Plot: Keeak was a great hero to the people of Kalomode, a coastal town in an unspecified country. He killed creatures that had been sent out to gather power for Langi, god of evil, and built up his own power to seal Langi away. However, he accidentally sealed himself in, but not before throwing his pendant to his younger brother, Neon. Keeak’s family abandons all hope, before lying to the police and saying that he ran away.

    Seven years later, Neon is old enough to use the pendant and the magic associated with it. At first he holds onto it as a reminder of Keeak, but the creatures start surfacing again and he has to fight them. At the same time, he begins to hear a voice. It’s Keeak, who is begging him to unseal the realm of Langi so he can escape. Neon begins to build up his magic for it, while trying to maintain a secret identity.

    Target Audience: I imagine it would appeal to guys more than girls, between the ages of 13-18.

    Comparable Works: It could probably be compared to DNAngel by Yukiru Sugisaki and The Dreaming by Queenie Chan. At times it will have the feel of DNAngel (more lighthearted) and at other times it will be more like The Dreaming (dark, foreboding, creepy, mysterious).

    How Thick Is My Skin? Go easy on me, but point out the errors or potential problems.

  2. Avi Arunon 10 Apr 2009 at 10:57 am

    Your plot seems to me as a mix of fantasy and science fiction. Sounds good enough, but I’m not sure whether it will work.

    “At times it will have the feel of DNAngel (more lighthearted) and at other times it will be more like The Dreaming (dark, foreboding, creepy, mysterious)”.

    If your story feel like The Dreaming, then you must not concentrate much on comedy. Dark, foreboding, creepy and mysterious are not keywords for a comedy. Comedy and Dark Fantasy do not go well together, atleast in my opinion.

  3. Ragged Boyon 10 Apr 2009 at 11:08 am

    I don’t see the sci-fi aspects, Avi. Anyway, sounds good to me. I’m not a big fan of manga, but I’d still love to help.

  4. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 5:43 am

    I think lighthearted comedy can go well with more dark things. Look at Doctor Who.

    Lighthearted:
    Doctor: Name?
    General Staal: General Staal of the ninth Sontaran battle fleet. “Staal The Undefeated!”
    Doctor: Oh that’s no good. What if you get defeated? “Staal The Not-Quite-So-Undefeated-Any-More-But-Never-Mind?”

    Dark:
    The Doctor: Don’t play games with me. You just killed someone I liked and that is not a safe place to stand! (The Vashta Nerada – a species of living shadow – continue to spread) I’m the Doctor and you’re in the biggest Library in the universe. (pauses) Look me up.
    (pause)
    Vashta Nerada: (retreating) You have one day.

    The Doctor is both a comedian and a badarse. Is it any wonder I’m a Whovian? Haha.

  5. Holliequon 11 Apr 2009 at 6:09 am

    I love Doctor Who for moments like that! I especially loved Mickey, though.

    Mickey: Oh my god . . . I’m the tin dog!

    And the Master. Best. Villain. Ever.

    (The Master puts on a gas mask.)
    Cabinet Member: What’s the gas mask for?
    Master: The gas.
    Cabinet Member: What gas?
    (The Master presses a button and gas starts to fill the room.)
    Master: This gas!
    Cabinet Member: (beginning to choke to death) You’re insane!
    (The Master grins and gives him the thumbs up.)

    I love the Master. I wish he’d at least had a better ending to his episodes.

    Um, anyway. I’d be happy to help with your story. I like the name Neon, but Keeak seems a bit weird. Is it Kee-ack or more like Keeek?

  6. Tomon 11 Apr 2009 at 6:28 am

    Doctor Who=win!
    New episode tonight!!1

  7. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 6:29 am

    The Master is one of few villains who I would hug. Even though he is insane and scary at times, he’s so freaking awesome!

    That scene with the Master is one of my favourites! John Simm really portrays him with a talent that no other actor could provide. He was brilliant in Life on Mars , too.

    Keeak’s name is pronounced Kee-ack. At first he was called Kiiack, then Kiak – which I thought people would pronounce as “kayak” – so I wrote it phonetically and got Keeak.

    Neon was originally called Chenn, but I kept spelling it as “Cheen” by accident. I never make that mistake with Neon.

  8. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 6:35 am

    YAAAAAY! I can’t wait to see the new episode! I’ll have to wait a while, but I’ll freak out when I hear the theme music.

    “Doctor Who=win!”

    Amen to that.

  9. Holliequon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:20 am

    I’m not going to be able to see the new episode tonight. 🙁 We have relatives coming over. Oh well, they’ll repeat it. Failing that, hurrah for iPlayer!

    I agree, RW. I haven’t seen much of Life on Mars, though.

    I’m really looking forward to the new series. I forget the guy’s name, but I absolutely loved Blink. That’s easily one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen on television. I didn’t like the library episodes so much, but they were still really good.

    I think I actually prefer Kiak, potential pronunciation errors and all. It’s your choice though.

  10. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:25 am

    I’d recommend a different name for the main character. I am not feeling Keeak; it sounds very sinister and alien, sort of like Yerk.

  11. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:48 am

    Blink scared the bajeebers out of me. I was freaked out for the rest of the night. I kept looking at my bookshelf and thinking “Are my ornaments watching me?” Haha.

    Keeak is one of the main characters, but Neon is the most important.

    “I am not feeling Keeak; it sounds very sinister and alien, sort of like Yerk”.

    I have many ways the story could go, and one of them involves Keeak doing a Face Heel Turn. I may or may not use it, but it’s an option I’m seriously considering.

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FaceHeelTurn

  12. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:53 am

    Also, Neon is a kind of unusual name, particularly for a fantasy setting. It feels a bit more like, umm, cyberpunk or something. (Like Neo from the Matrix, I guess).

  13. Tomon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:20 am

    The scariest episode was The Impossible Planet. The whole concept of ‘this is actually Satan himself’ just freaked me out.

    And yeah, change Keeak, it reminds me of Klaatu from The Day the Earth Stood Still. In fact, most of these names sound like gobbldegook. Use English-sounding names.

  14. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:22 am

    Yeah, Neon is a weird name, but it’s modern fantasy. It’s not as though its set in Middle Earth. Besides, people call their kids all sorts of stupid things. I feel really sorry for poor little Moon Unit.

  15. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:23 am

    Well, she’s not exactly little, but she still has an odd name. Thank God my name isn’t ridiculous.

  16. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:26 am

    The Impossible Planet freaked me out too.

    “Don’t turn around, or you will die”.

    What could I change Keeak to? I want it to be odd and sound a little sinister. He isn’t really someone to take any kind of crap from anyone.

  17. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:29 am

    What would you think about Brock?

  18. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:33 am

    Wasn’t there a guy in Pokemon called that?

  19. Tomon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:44 am

    lol, that’s what I was thinking. In the games he was the first ever Gym Leader, in the show he’s still a main character.

  20. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:45 am

    Yes. There was also a famous wizard named Harry. If it’s a fairly realistic name, very few people will see the name and think of Pokemon. Brock is barely among the 250 most popular names for American guys, so I think it’s realistic enough.

  21. Ragged Boyon 11 Apr 2009 at 9:09 am

    I like Moon Unit, I think it’s amazingly unique. I love exotic and unusual names especially Aushaud. 😉

    What about Sarba or Tukka or Barow? I’m just spewing names.

  22. Holliequon 11 Apr 2009 at 2:42 pm

    You like the name Moon Unit? Really? I mean, I don’t like my name either (too old-fashioned for my tastes), but I think things like that are a little ridiculous.

  23. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 3:31 pm

    I doubt I could take a character named Moon Unit seriously. I would really recommend avoiding such an outlandish name unless it was absolutely essential for your project. For example, an author doing a biography of Moon Unit Zappa has an excellent reason to use that name. An author that uses a name like Moon Unit because he wants his sci-fi story to have craaaaaazy names won’t survive past the first page.

  24. Ragged Boyon 11 Apr 2009 at 6:06 pm

    To be fair, I like almost anything that “breaks the norm.” I wouldn’t use Moon Unit for a main character, I’d probably use Moonit for an exotic side character name or team, though. I think Moon Unit’s brother’s name is Weasel, after their dad’s nickname for their mom’s big toe.

    Here’s a question I have:

    I’ve seen heroes without superpowers beat superpowered individuals all the time, but is it possible for a non-powered individual to beat someone with telekinesis? I doubt it, but that would be pretty interesting.

  25. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 8:03 pm

    “I’ve seen heroes without superpowers beat superpowered individuals all the time, but is it possible for a non-powered individual to beat someone with telekinesis? I doubt it, but that would be pretty interesting.”

    Here are a few scenarios that could help a nonpowered person beat someone with telekinesis.
    –The regular guy gets the TK from behind and either shoots him or knocks him out with a blow to the head.
    –The regular guy uses a sniper rifle and shoots the TK from afar.
    –The regular guy attacks him in such a way that the TK’s powers don’t work right. (For example, maybe the TK has to concentrate to use his powers. So the cops set up an ambush with insanely bright lights and intensely loud music and tear gas).
    –The TK’s powers only apply to a certain category of material. The normal guy attacks the TK in a fashion that makes it very hard for him to use his powers. For example, the soldiers in X-Men 3 use purely non-metal weapons to attack Magneto… not that it does them much good.

  26. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 11:02 pm

    I weep for the celebrity offspring. Imagine them all in school together.

    Teacher: “Kal-El! Stop hitting Bronx Mowgli! Princess Tiaamii, don’t eat your pencil! Sonora Rose, what is the answer to this question?”

    What do you think of Kebart as a replacement for Keeak?

  27. B. Macon 12 Apr 2009 at 6:00 am

    It’s better, but I think there’s more room for improvement.

  28. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 12 Apr 2009 at 11:28 pm

    Hmm. Okay, how about Kaero? I don’t know why, but I want it to start with K. K sounds like a good, strong letter.

  29. B. Macon 13 Apr 2009 at 4:45 am

    Umm, maybe other people can offer advice on this, but my impression is that K is a kind of strange-looking letter. I feel that starting an invented name with a K rather than a C usually makes it look and feel weird and awkward. For example, instead of Kaero, what would you think about Cairo or Cyro or Cayro?

    If you’re really attached to K, I’d recommend starting the name with Ken and then blending it into a name that starts with N. For example, Kenash or Kened. These are still really weird-looking, but I think it will help if the name avoids the Kae.

  30. Tomon 13 Apr 2009 at 7:07 am

    I think Cyro with a soft c sound sounds pretty cool.

  31. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 13 Apr 2009 at 7:54 am

    Hmm. I like Cairo, Cyro and Cayro. I know, I’ll roll a dice and assign each name two numbers. I’ll use whichever name crops up the most often.

    Thanks!

  32. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 13 Apr 2009 at 7:55 am

    Cyro it is.

  33. Holliequon 13 Apr 2009 at 8:01 am

    Oh, good. I was about to say that I think of Egypt as soon as I hear the word Cairo. I like Cyro.

  34. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 13 Apr 2009 at 8:07 am

    That was a heck of a lot of messing around just to choose a name. Normally I just go “That guy’s gonna be called Isaac, the hacker will be called Tristram, that girl will be Kamari…” and that’s that. I’ve changed a few names of characters in my other story, eg Olivia became Livian and Aida became Atalya, but otherwise the characters just get what they’re given.

  35. B. Macon 13 Apr 2009 at 8:20 am

    Funny, when I hear “Cairo,” I think of southern Illinois. It’s my favorite community in the Mideast… err, the Midwest.

    I’m such a hick. (Incidentally, the Cairo in Illinois is pronounced CAY-ro… the first syllable rhymes with day rather than die).

  36. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 17 Apr 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Is it better to just say how many panels are on the page and let the artist choose the setup, or to describe the setup for the artist?

  37. B. Macon 17 Apr 2009 at 9:45 pm

    With a freelance artist, it’s probably best to lay it out for him.

  38. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 17 Apr 2009 at 9:48 pm

    Okay, thanks!

  39. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 23 Nov 2009 at 5:16 am

    Whoa, I haven’t put anything here in ages… Well, I should probably work more on it. I started drafting the rough outline of the story arc last night, before it was all just inside my head. I’m still working out the creases so far, but I should be done by tomorrow, then I’ll post it here.

    I’ve thought up a million more ideas since, so I’ve been concentrating on typing those summaries up before I forget them. Haha. I notice that all my ideas tend to be either fantasty, sci-fi, or realistic at the start before becoming one of those genres. I guess it’s better than boring, stressful, exam-filled life. But WOOT! Only one exam left, after tomorrow I’m free for the rest of the year! Haha.

    But yeah, anyway. I’m gonna write the draft summary for the arc, then further split that into chapters, and then fill in any gaps. It’ll take me a while, but along with Isaac, this is my favourite idea.

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