…The deadline for my secret project is before Christmas, and I need to pour all my energy into it right now. Can’t say anything more about it – I promise I’ll explain everything once it’s done.

- Wings

Anyway, there have been a few changes to the ‘verse as a whole, mainly in the form of small shout outs, cameos of things from HTSTW, and the like:

- There is a poster for the movie “Attack Of the Fifty Foot Prom Queen” in Retra’s room at the hospital – it’s the same B-movie Meg mentions watching in HTSTW.

- Due to his advanced avian powers, several other characters suspect Hummingbird to be possibly related to the Gabriel line. For those who haven’t read my other forum, Gabriel is the codename for my other main winged hero, Ian. Given that this is a few decades after the events of the HTSTW ‘verse, it’s quite probable that Hummingbird is somehow related to Ian.

- The introductory scenes for each of the protagonists have been tweaked, most notably Masochist’s:
– Darken saves a kid from a burning building, and is kind of a jerk about it.
– Hikari reluctantly pays Darken (Who’s still being a jerk) and calls a meeting of the Six.
– While out shopping for Hummingbird’s soda, Masochist ends up being slapped by a cashier savvy enough to put two and two together and recognize him as the blood-manipulating hero. While not only serving to establish the public’s view on hemokinetics (As well as Masochist’s view of himself), it’s also a small tribute to the book Hero by Perry Moore, one of the only other pieces of superhero literature I’ve read (as a similar incident occurs with the protagonist’s father).

Also, I love the Darkenverse villains.

- Wings

I’m testing out the chapter rewrites with both the original third-person limited and the new first person style. I want to see which one is more effective.

New First Chapter (Third Person Limited, Darken’s POV)

The sound of sirens had become a familiar part of Darken’s daily routine. He wove his way through smoldering debris to the building’s exit, the smoky air pervasive and blinding. The little girl was unconscious in his arms, her singed pink pajamas a stark contrast to his black cloak.

Darken shifted the material of his cloak to better shield the child’s face from the smoke, his expression softening slightly. He snapped back into his aloof persona in a matter of seconds. In Darken’s line of work, sentiment was just another liability. The Six had hired him for this job, nothing more. Although the superhero team probably deigned to rescue every tree-trapped cat in ____, Darken had higher priorities.

Still, hero work paid well.

Sidestepping a burning support, Darken neared the exit. He leapt off the balcony with one swift movement, clutching the little girl tightly to his chest. Rolling into a landing, he straightened, the child in his arms unharmed. Darken strode to the nearest fireman and deposited the unconscious girl in the stunned man’s arms. He turned abruptly, about to make his way back the anonymity of the shadows, when the firefighter called out to him.

“What the hell was that?!”

Darken paused in his retreat. “I believe it’s called a ‘rescue’.” He continued on his way, and had just started to disappear into the shadows when the firefighter shouted after him for a second time.

“Do you even care?! You could have killed her!”

This time, Darken turned around.

“There’s your problem. You care. If you didn’t care, your job would be a lot easier.”

With that, Darken vanished into the shadows without a trace, walking away from the smoldering building. The sound of sirens began to fade.

At dawn, perhaps Pathos would have a new job for him. Hopefully, it would be something more lucrative than a kid in a burning building.

No matter what it was, Darken got the job done.

As long as the check cleared.

New First Chapter (First Person, Darken’s POV)

The sound of sirens had become a familiar part of my daily routine. I wove my way through smoldering debris to the building’s exit, the smoky air pervasive and blinding. The little girl was unconscious in my arms, her singed pink pajamas in stark contrast against my black cloak.

I shifted the material of my cloak to better shield the child’s face from the smoke. I could feel my expression softening, and snapped back into my business persona in a matter of seconds. In my line of work, sentiment was just another liability. The Six had hired me for this job, nothing more. Although the superhero team probably deigned to rescue every tree-trapped cat in ____, I had higher priorities.

Still, hero work paid well.

Sidestepping a burning support, I neared the exit. I leapt off the balcony with one swift movement, clutching the little girl tightly to my chest. I rolled into a landing and straightened, the child unharmed. I strode to the nearest fireman and deposited the unconscious child in the stunned man’s arms. Just as I began to make my way back to the anonymity of the shadows, the firefighter called out.

“What the hell was that?!”

I paused to reply. “I believe it’s called a ‘rescue’.” I continued on my way back to the shadows, when the firefighter shouted at me again.

“Do you even care?! You could have killed her!”

This time, I turned back to face him.

“There’s your problem. You care. If you didn’t care, your job would be a lot easier.”

And I disappeared into the shadows.

Perhaps Pathos would have a job for me by dawn, hopefully something more lucrative than a kid in a burning building.

No matter what it is, I’ll get the job done.

So long as the check clears.

————

Looking at the first-person attempt, I’m not sure if I like it. First person usually allows for a reader to greater understand a character, but I think that giving Darken the internal monologues I often see in first-person works would seem uncharacteristic. If we can understand all of Darken’s motivations head on, then his whole “mysterious” aspect is canceled out.

Sigh…What do you guys think?

Wings, this is really good. Keep writing. Darken sounds bad-ass.

Onto your prologue:

“The evening silence was broken by the wailing of sirens and the crackling of flames.
Darken wove his way through smoldering debris to the building’s exit, taking care to keep his cloak from being caught on the still-burning rubble. He cursed under his breath as a new hole was ripped in the dark fabric. The little girl was unconscious in his arms, her singed pink pajamas a stark contrast to his black costume.” I think this is well-written out. I especially like the comparison to their clothing. However, it wouldn’t hurt to give a bit more details as to the setting. This makes it seem as if the silence had *just* been broken by the sirens and fire; however, the fire has probably been ongoing. It may be nice to show some of the hustle of the firemen or what other people are doing in the scene.

“Darken shifted the material of his cloak to better shield the child’s face from the smoke, his expression softening slightly. He snapped back into his aloof persona in a matter of seconds. Sentiment was a liability in Darken’s line of work, a liability which he couldn’t afford to keep.” I really like this paragraph, especially with the moment of softness that’s shown.

“Darken’s priorities were slightly higher.” I’m curious to know what his priorities all. Good hook without being confusing or needlessly cryptic.

“As Darken neared the exit, his thoughts wandered back to the Six. (You say his thoughts went back to the Six, but then say nothing about them.) Sidestepping a burning support, he left the now completely engulfed building and (curtly — I don’t know about this word choice.) set the girl down in front of the nearest fireman. Without another word he turned away from the blazing building and blended into the shadows, leaving no trace of his presence behind.”

Maybe it’s the girl in me, but I love the picture of him just setting her down without being noticed and then walking away into the dark.

“Whatever it was – be it a rescue or a robbery – he (It may be good to put his name here, so we’re not confused as to whether it’s talking about Pathos or Darken.) always got the job done.”

Since I’m switching POVs in chapter 2, I’ll post the rewritten 2 up with chapter 3.

- Wings

- Wings

The evening silence was broken by the wailing of sirens and the crackling of flames. Darken wove his way through smoldering debris to the building’s exit, taking care to keep his cloak from being caught on the still-burning rubble. He cursed under his breath as a new hole was ripped in the dark fabric. The little girl was unconscious in his arms, her singed pink pajamas a stark contrast to his black costume.

Darken shifted the material of his cloak to better shield the child’s face from the smoke, his expression softening slightly. He snapped back into his aloof persona in a matter of seconds. Sentiment was a liability in Darken’s line of work, a liability which he couldn’t afford to keep. The Six had hired him for this job, nothing more. Although the superhero team probably deigned to rescue every cat from every tree in ____, Darken’s priorities were slightly higher.

Still, hero work paid well.

As Darken neared the exit, his thoughts wandered back to the Six. Sidestepping a burning support, he left the now completely engulfed building and curtly set the girl down in front of the nearest fireman. Without another word he turned away from the blazing building and blended into the shadows, leaving no trace of his presence behind.

Perhaps Pathos would have a job for him by dawn, hopefully something more interesting than a mere rescue mission.

Whatever it was – be it a rescue or a robbery – he always got the job done.

——-

Here’s the rewritten prologue. I’m trying to flesh out Darken’s character more. Would have liked to put a line in detailing that Darken is irrationally fond of his cape, but I couldn’t figure out how to work it in well.

Comments?

- Wings

- Wings