Mar 19 2009
Wings’ Second Review Forum
This forum is where I work on Darkstar Rising, another superhero novel about a rogue superhuman who works for both good and evil, a superhero team without a leader, a group of villains that is not what it seems, and a mastermind who seeks to rid the world of them all. I may also discuss my other, future, works here.
Okay. This new story is completely different from what I’ve worked on before. I had a great idea the other day and want to use it.
The Title: Ai (chosen for many reasons: Reason 1 – Ai can be read as the letters AI, standing for Artificial Intelligence, Reason 2 – Ai itself is the name of the main character, Reason 3 – Ai is also a Japanese word meaning Love, or something close to it *coughROMANCEcough*)
Plot, Setting, and All That Other Fun Stuff: It’s set in a futuristic world where computers, robots, and other electronics take care of nearly everything (an ideal world to most people). The main character is an artificial intelligence created by a hacker in order to be the ultimate computer virus. After all, a self-aware, intelligent virus could eventually break through most firewalls.
Main Character: Ai
Ai is the artificial intelligence. (as for Ai being female, haven’t you noticed that whenever one of those annoying popup ads appears, a female voice will announce its presence most of the time?) She’s had most of the contents of the Word Wide Web downloaded into her mind giving her superintelligence, but she’s completely ignorant of anything in the non-cyber world. She’s also designed to have super resourcefulness, to enable her to find a way through most firewalls and security measures.
What do you think? Like it? Hate it? ROFLing because it’s so stupid?
- (Kentucky Fried) Chicken Wings
Ai can be read as the Chinese word for love as well, just so you know. ;D
Good to know.
- Wings
I like that Ai is ignorant to the non-cyber world. That gives you alot of space for developing her and your setting.
Yeah, I think that will be very interesting. You can’t learn how people work from online self-help guides.
But you can learn how to write superhero stories from online self-help guides. Fact!
I have a few questions about Ai’s origins. Who made her and why?
What’s the plot like?
Ai was created by a master hacker to become the ultimate virus. That is, she was created to break through anti virus software and firewalls, therefore, she is self-aware. Although she’s constantly told that she was created as a codebreaker, she still feels that she can do more than that.
Since this is an ideal future, everything is controlled by computers. Therefore, computer viruses have become a lot more powerful since they can reprogram numerous things.
Ai has emotions, or at least a semblance of emotions. She can’t die in the way we think of as dying, but she can be deleted, copied, and reprogrammed, because although she is hyper advanced, she’s still just a computer file. Seriously, people are thinking about making robots that can recognize emotions and grafting wings onto humans (a la Maximum Ride) in the future. Who knows, someday artificial intelligences similar to Ai may be created.
As the story is in Ai’s POV, a good-sized amount is devoted to Ai’s perspective of the world via the Net. She’s mainly unknown to the world until another hacker discovers her (his name undecided). Then, the story changes to Ai learning more about humans themselves and reality. She ends up falling in love (which is going to be difficult but fun to write) with the hacker who discovered her, and vice versa on his behalf.
In short this story is a view on humanity as a whole, with a dash of philosophy if you squint.
Well? How is it?
- (Buffalo) Chicken Wings
Hey! Making sure this isn’t forgotten!
- Wings
I think it looks good, but I’m just curious about something. How are you going to put it in Ai’s POV when she’s traveling through the internet and getting past firewalls and that sort of stuff, since there’s nothing really physical happening? Or are you going to to make it some kind of physical thing, like a firewall literally being a wall of fire that she has to get around or something like that?
I read something very similar to that! The premise and story were very different, but basically there was a character fused with his computer. When he hacked and stored his memories on the net and things like that, he made it sound like he was travelling in his head. Also, he was once nearly killed by a computer virus.
@ Fitz – Yes. I’m trying to bring new dimension to the cyber world. For instance, a firewall to her (because of all the differet types of virus-proof software) could look like a heavy steel door, a door charged with electricity, or, like you said, a wall of fire.
@ Holliequ – Really? The works I’ve been inspired by were the manga series Chobits (about humanoid computers) and the little-known kid’s book Virtually Perfect. Check it out!
Oh yeah. This book was called Hybrids, although I don’t recall the author’s name. The premise was much different, though – a disease that caused people to fuse with technology. (No AI in sight, I’m afraid.)
Yeah, I’m still working on images for Ai and the hacker.
Ai: I’m thinking white or silver hair. Not seeing much else… Ai’s outward image is an 17-18 year old.
(name needed for the hacker Ai falls in love with): For some weird reason, I’m getting an image of scruffy, slightly overlong brown hair. The character’s about 18-19, so ya know.
- Wings The Image Creator
I thought dark red hair when I thought of Ai, something that would stand out in a white background. But maybe that was because red is my favorite hair color on girls. I think white or silver hair is a little obvious.
Thing is, this is another novel, not a comic book. Sorry….
The color needs to be something unreal, something not found in nature.
- Wings
I figured it wasn’t a comic.
I think blood red is pretty unnatural, but it’s up to you.
I don’t know. To me, blood red suggests a darker, more violent personality. (I blame you, Scarlet)
New plot point: In the end, when the master hacker (name please) finds out that Ai betrayed him, he seeks to destroy her and he love interest to erase all proof that a self-aware virus exists. He then creates a second, more powerful AI, named Ven.
Ven’s a guy, but even so he should look like the polar opposite of Ai. He exists only to obey, though it’s unsure if he, like Ai, develops a soul.
- Wings
Hmm. Is this master hacker the antagonist?
For some reason I’m thinking of something a little old-fashioned. What do you think of Jonathon, Kieran or Russell?
Yes, the master hacker’s the antagonist.
I rater like Russ as a name, but this is a duturistic world, so it might be a little like naming a kid something like “Augustine” today. (True story, I know a guy named Augustine.)
I’ve been designing Ai’s “default” costume, using a silver basis. Actually, I might go with Ragged Boy’s hair color choice (red) or something in the violet family. Maybe I’ll join Deviantart, though I must warn you I’m not very good and my art is only to be used as a concept.
- Wings
Dark and violent!? You hurt my feelings, Wings.
As for the style, I was thinking something edgy, short, and asymmetrical, as opposed to long bland hair.
Yeah same here for the hair style, RB. I have all too many longhaired heroines….
- Wings
Sorry. I’ve been offline for a while.
Anyway, here are the characters so far.
Ai (AI 1)
Ai is the main character. An artificial intelligence created to be the ultimate virus, her job is to bypass firewalls and other security measures to infiltrate computers and steal information for her creator, a master hacker. As a self-aware and highly powerful virus, she needs to remain a secret.
Her default costume is silver armor in a crisscross pattern over a bodysuit, however, she can change the way she looks. She’s very resourceful and intelligent, but at the same time has no idea how reality and the real world work.
For the computer-savvy, Ai is considered as a mixture of a Worm virus and a Trojan Horse virus. A Worm virus can bypass security, then (Ai cannot do this) duplicate itself and transfer itself to other computers connected with the infiltrated one. A Trojan Horse is a virus disguised as something good (CONGRAGULATIONS! YOU ARE THE 9,999th VISITOR! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR FREE (insert pricey item here)!). They can also be mistakenly set in the form of email attachments.
(The Temporarily Named) Russ
Russ is the hacker who finds out about Ai’s existence. As one of the few humans who doesn’t depend on technology for everything, it is completely by chance that he finds an AI wandering around the Net.
Russ teaches Ai about humanity and other aspects of the real world and is sometimes surprised by what she doesn’t know (At one point, she asks him what the purpose of food is). Eventually, (to both of their surprises) they end up falling in love with each other.
The only planned thing for Russ’s look is shaggy brown-black hair. Give suggestions please.
(The Unnamed as of yet) Master Hacker
The Master Hacker was the creator of Ai (AI 1) and later Ven (AI 2). His motives for creating the AIs are unknown, although they are very valuable to him (at least until a better copy can be created, like when he threatens to delete Ai if she does not obey him after Ven’s existence is revealed).
He is a violent and ruthless person, as shown when he plans to kill Russ, destroy his hard drive, and threatens to delete Ai because he does not want the secret of the self aware viruses known.
Ven (AI 2)
Ven was created to theoretically replace Ai. A stronger, better virus (at least in the Master Hacker’s opinion), he has little to no will of his own. His only purpose is to obey. (However, this becomes a major disadvantage because, unlike him, Ai can process information and make decisions noticeably faster.)
Not much else is known about Ven. His default costume is planned to be bronze or dark gray armor.
———–
Well?
- Wings
Hmm. I’m not feeling Russ. What do you this about Ross?
Not sure for the hacker . . . depending on when this story is set, you might want to check a popular baby names list from 2008 or something.
Anything on personality for Russ and the hacker? What about the hacker’s motives?
Russ is just a temporary name. He’s scatterbrained but good-hearted. He’s a quiet guy who doesn’t appear to have too many close friends. Russ is a little naive (but not as naive as Ian is).
This story’s time is tricky, simply because of the direction the world’s taking now. However, I guess that it is at least 150 years into the future, due to the fact that AIs have been created.
The hacker is a relatively old character (late 40s). He desires complete obedience from everything he owns, and relishes control. I require assistance for his motives.
- Wings
Hmm . . .
He’s getting revenge against an old company (slightly cliche, I know) for firing him by stealing money from the system/generally screwing around with them. Russ works for the company.
I think this will add something to the Russ/Ai thing. When Russ realises what Ai is, if he doesn’t say something he could lose his job, but if he does then he’ll lose Ai.
Okay, that all sounded better in my head. Sorry.
It’s okay, I do stuff like that a lot.
I do like the idea you had for Russ/Ai. I’m not too fond of the company. I’d try to make the incident a bit bigger, you know?
I’m tossing around some titles at this point. I love Ai, but you guys do warn against acronyms.
What about:
The Code of a Virus
I kinda like this because “code” can be understood as what makes up a virus (pixels and all that jazz) but can also be seen as laws or morals: essentially, what the beliefs of an artificial intelligence are.
- Wings
Hello!
-Wings
Hmm. The easiest way to make the incident bigger is to call it “cyber terrorism” and the hacker is working against a government. But if this is primarily a romance, I think the story could get bogged down in that. What do you think?
Hmm. I’m not too keen on that title. I don’t think it says much about the story. I can’t think of anything better, though.
Generally, I recommend against using acronyms. However, one of the advantages of AI is that most of the readers of a sci-fi story will know what it means beforehand.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. I’m trying to keep romance the biggest theme in the story, and as I don’t know as much as most people about technology, I’d better stay away from too-complicated topics.
-Wings
If romance is the main theme, then I’d highly recommend playing that up in the title.
Yeah, but everything I’ve come up with is cheesy or used.
People, I have an important announcement:
I’m moving to Australia! Nah, just joking. I’m staying in California.
The real important announcement?
Most of my stories don’t have/aren’t designed to have/only have it because I have very sarcastic humor.
I don’t try to write humor, I write more serious/ironic stories. (I like to read humor, but I don’t think I’m very good at writing it.)
Anyway, we have a new addition to the Idea Pile:
The Light Of Destruction
*SPOILERS*
An alien child is sent to Earth with only one purpose: to destroy it. To give her a hatred of humanity, she is placed in the worst possible environment. As she grows up loathing humans simply because of how she has been treated, the plan seems to have worked perfectly – until one Earthling boy decides to reach out – and ends up unknowingly saving his world.
It’s very, very rough. However, I’m trying to present it as having a deeper meaning: basically, that one small act of kindness can truly change the world, that humanity isn’t all bad, and that one person reaching out can change a life forever.
Yeah, kind of sappy. But I like it.
- Wings
I like it too! It sounds like a nice little story.
I have an idea pile as well, but I only mention significant ideas here. I have about ten different ideas for stories/manga.
Only ten?! Wow, I have loads. No wonder I can’t finish a single project . . .
I only have three/four major ideas bugging me right now. That’s including V&Z, but discluding my two unfinished NaNo projects.
Oh, Wings: I also like the concept. Eerily similar to something that happened to me recently. Yeah, I indirectly saved the world.
That was what I cam here to say originally. Damn me for getting sidetracked!
I have a few more than that, but only ten of them have basic character ideas and settings attached to them. The others are vague concepts floating around in my head, like this one:
The Prime Minister’s son goes missing because he is sick of all the attention. He ends up living on the streets, so he robs a bank.
That’s all I have.
I have 5 other possible ideas for TV shows, two other superhero shows, two fantasies and a sci-fi. If I ever make it in the animation industry I have enough show ideas to last me for an entire career.
I like it. It seems like a sci-fi blend of Naruto and Hellboy, which I don’t see as a particularly bad thing.
I force myself not to come up with new story concepts, it’s dangerous for the existing one’s. If I did I’d probably drop Showtime and jump on another story. Right now I’m focusing on:
Showtime
Sketch
Masquerade (after lots of brainstorming I may do this one as a novel)
My main focuses for the moment are Isaac and Neon. Once I’m done with Isaac I will either begin work on the sequel or on Terry (the teacher/assassin).
I have a lot of stuff in the Idea Pile *waves at Zane Talon*.
I just sent three stories to the pile after I thought they seemed too cliche. I might yank one out.
I’d like to publish How to Save the World first, so that my more minor stories like Ai and perhaps The Light of Destruction can get a boost from it.
I might write my fantasy/romances (Between Light and Darkness, The Cursed and the Fallen, Bright Scales and Dark Souls, etc.) under my full name, and my sci-fi/action stories (HTSTW, Minutes to Midnight, Ai, The Light of Destruction) under my initials.
Say, has anyone heard of the 13 year old girl who published the book Swordbird? I’m almost entirely sure that it’s a ripoff of Brian Jacques’s Redwall series, but I can’t find a copy to prove it.
I meant to be the youngest published writer *sniffles*
- Wings
Hey.
I’m getting back to work on Chapter Two: Sugar Makes the World Go Round.
Hopefully I’ll have it up in a couple weeks. However, my vacation’s ending, so I’ll have homework to do again…
Anyway, I’ll be back!
–Wings
As far as your AI’s name goes, maybe you can try something overly corny? Most hackers tend to come up with lame names. Also, hackers don’t break into systems; crackers do. Hackers break down systems and improve them. Wikipedia has an in-depth article on hackers. Calling AI’s writer the PC thing might make readers feel smarter. Reader: “He’s a CRACKER, not a hacker. Gosh, Mom, you’re so old.”
I’m not sure if editors recognize that difference between “hacker” and “cracker.” For example, Wired– which is a very tech-savvy website– refers to an extortionist as a hacker here.
If Wired doesn’t have a problem with it, I don’t think that the average editor at Scholastic or Penguin would.
Actually, I was just planning to call her Ai (simply because the hacker never bothered to give her a name other than AI One).
However, that leaves me wondering about Ven’s name…Maybe Ven is an acronym for something (Virtual Electronic…My brain now hurts).
- Wings
Huh. Does it seem a little weird to you that a virus recently attacked my computer in the same way that Ai would? That is, a little like a Trojan Horse? I was going to check out the link to that Women in Refrigerators website, and a warning popped up.
On the bright side, this will help me figure out just how Ai attacks computers.
- Wings
I just rediscovered two old concepts, only I have no clue what they originally were supposed to be.
Facing The Music (All I remember is that there was a songwriter involved)
Down to Earth (I think the main character could communicate with plant spirits or something like that…)
Anyway, either of these might be reshaped into superhero novels. Who knows?
- Wings
Nancy Yi Fan is the 13 year old behind the not-so-brilliant-or-terribly-original Swordbird.
Technically, Redwall has all kinds of animals (Not to sound annoyed, but I’ve said this before). Swordbird focuses about 96% of its intelligent creatures as…well…birds.
I personally didn’t enjoy it. All the Antagonists wanted anarchy, destruction, and worldwide misery, all the good guys wanted peace, justice, equality.
Rating: 3 outta 10 stars.
I read Swordbird too, although it was a while ago. The black and white morality really bugged me. I thought it was Redwall without the nostalgic value that makes me still read those books.
It was okay, but I think even a 13-year-old could have a slightly deeper story than that. Then again, who knows who the target audience was.
To be honest, the Redwall books got like that once you hit about twelve. I remember really liking them because they killed lots of characters off and this made them feel mature to my untrained eye. On reflection, they are predictable, obsessed with food scenes, annoying riddles and have far too many similar characters. Also, Mole speak annoyed the f*** out of me.
I think that authors very rarely have an audience that are much older than they are. I’m not familiar with the Swordbird books specifically, but I find it hard to imagine that the target audience was older than 13. I’d say that the appeal of a book about talking animals declines sharply after age 10 or so.
Came up with another idea for a superhero fic (Not connected to HTSTW). It’s set in a more typical superhero universe (Where heroes are known to exist).
The main character is Darkstar, a rogue hero. That is, he could be either a very evil Anti Hero or a very good Anti Villain – feared by both sides, heroes and villains. One day he could be saving a child from a fire, the next, he could be being paid to be a villain’s henchman. He was inspired by the heroes like Batman or the Punisher (leaning toward the latter, who dispenses justice – though not exactly in the usual hero way). Since these two were Badass Normals, I’m debating what powers to give him. He’s harsh and rather ruthless, though he has his “Pet The Dog” moments.
“Looking for death? Here I am.”
There are a few secondary characters as well:
Name: Hikari
Class: Minor Hero
Power: Light flashes (She can generate a bright flash of light to temporarily blind/stun her opponents), possibly levitation or agility
Relationships: Darkstar’s love interest.
Personality: She’s quiet and soft-spoken, and loyal to those who she trusts. Hikari’s quick-thinking, more prepared to help herself than wait to be saved. However, she’s easily surprised, a liability in combat.
Name: _no name yet, need one_
Class: Hero
Power: Blood manipulator
Relationships: None known
Personality: Although his power is perfectly suited for a power-hungry villain, it isn’t so well fit for a hero who opposes killing or injuring. However, he still needs blood to fight, and without hurting his opponent, there’s only one option. He deliberately injures himself, and then uses his own blood to fight – he’s unwilling, but he’s still a bordeline masochist.
Anyway, I need a non-villainous name for my blood manipulator, and help for Hikari’s personality – I’m used to writing outspoken females like Meg.
- Wings, who is listening to the song “Iris” obsessively for no apparent reason
P.S. Working on ch2 of HTSTW
And I don’t want the world to see me, ’cause I don’t think that they’d understand…If Hikari is Darkstar’s love interest, she needs to be almost more developed than he is. Think: Sure, she’s quiet, but there has to be something that riles her up. It might not come out often, but it gives her more than just a puddle’s depth, which quieter characters usually seem to suffer from.
Also, is Hikari Japanese? If she isn’t, there’d better be a pretty good reason she has a Japanese name. ;D
“That is, he could be either a very evil Anti Hero or a very good Anti Villain – feared by both sides, heroes and villains.” I might be a bit paranoid about such things, but I’m getting major Mary Sue vibes off of that. In the context of a superhero story, fear is usually a sign of respect. I’d recommend working in some disrespect as well. For example, heroes can laugh him off because he works for money. Villains probably think he’s unreliable because there’s no way to beat the feds in a bidding war if push comes to shove.
I’d just recommend trying to stay away from “informed coolness“– using the other characters in the story to remind us that this is a scary badass dude. We need to see it with our own eyes.
Also, fleshing out what other people think about him in both a negative and positive way will probably feel more realistic and it’ll also give the hero some obstacles to surmount. Beating obstacles is impressive.
Finally, there’s the idea of merit. It sounds like the hero is recognized as pretty awesome early on. Readers generally like to see characters earn such recognition over time. If people are going to be singing his praises (or scared of his skills), it would probably be best if he has had plenty of time to establish how scary he is. Otherwise, readers might feel like you’re trying to cram his Mary Sue-ness down their throats.
I don’t know if this matters or not but there’s a minor villain in the TV show Ben 10: Alien Force called Darkstar. It probably doesn’t matter but you should probably know that.
Put it this way – its less like fear are more like – how do I say this – distrust. Neither side can completely trust him, because he works for both. However, he gets the job done, and done well, which is why they still use him.
The story will switch POVs, so we’ll be able to see what the other characters think of him – if they despise him for working for good, if they don’t trust him because he works for evil, of if they simply hate him – it’s something I’m working on. He gets a very mixed reaction – what do you say when the bank robber of the night before saves your daughter from a fire?
One of Hikari’s pet peeves is the fact that Darkstar works for both sides – she likes things clean-cut. Black and white. No gray. She doesn’t understand the fact that he seems to belong on both sides – good and evil. He’s one of the only people to make her lose her cool – she does her best to maintain a cold persona. Oh,to whoever asked that question, she’s Japanese-American.
C’mon, did anyone notice my blood manipulator? I was proud of him!
- Wings
I may have just created a minor villain.
Name: Alcatraz
Powers: None
Personality: An escape artist who can open any lock, any door, any safe…and a talented thief. Despite having no special abilities, Alcatraz is still a formidable ally – she relys on steath and the occasional smoke bomb instead of brute strength.
- Wings
One more thing – Alcatraz has been caught and convicted twice, but is always bailed out by her other villain allys – put it this way, if every store/bank is a treasure chest, Alcatraz is their skeleton key.
Another hero:
Name: Instinct
Powers: None yet -may be able to see 30 seconds into the future
Personality: Alcatraz’s alternate number, Instinct is a street fighter and quite possibly a Badass Normal. When fighting, she ignores any strategy and tactics and goes for power instead – the reason for her codename.
- Wings
*randomly singing “Music Of The Night” from The Phantom Of The Opera (which is EPIC, along with Les Miserables, which I saw a few weeks ago)*
*walks into wall as usual*
It burns! Anyway, like I said in my other forum, Darkstar has taken on a life of his own. Here’s his story, temporarily entitled Darkstar Rising.
A group of heroes called The Seven protect the streets of (a city that isn’t New York) from not only ordinary crime, but from a villain known as Pathos who’s powers come from feeding off of human emotion (anger=fire, etc) and who’s goal is to destroy all heroes. Minor villains also roam such as Alcatraz, who has no powers but can open any lock and escape from any prison. And then there’s Darkstar, who takes no sides and works for both. Meanwhile, The Seven are seven in name only, because their leader, Shift (a human shapeshifter) disappeared over two years ago and is presumed dead. The remaining six members do their best to carry on against the threat of Pathos, and the team’s members include Masochist (temporary names), a blood manipulator who is against harming others, Instinct, a Badass Normal with a strong feral side, and Hikari, a minor light manipulator who was in love with Shift and has an almost too-defined sense of right and wrong. She’s curious about Darkstar, who sells his services to both sides and is distrusted by both, and who hovers in the gray area of her universe – which she doesn’t understand. Ever since Shift vanished, she’s retreated into herself and become a cold person who’s world is neatly sorted into black and white. Darkstar himself doesn’t really place himself on either side – he’s disinterested in the fighting and only is trying to make a life for himself. He’s paranoid, distrustful, introverted, sarcastic, and ruthless, but at the same time manages to be chivalrious, loyal (to those he trusts), courageous, and even heroic at points.
More in a minute – this DSi has a limit to how much you can type at once.
- Wings
Part Deux:
Hikari and Darkstar eventually begin a sort of friendship, which grows until Hikari begins to trust Darkstar.
However, when she is attacked by some of Pathos’s minions and captured, her world is destroyed as she discovers who her abductor – and the real mastermind of the plan to destroy the heroes – is: Darkstar himself.
He was the mastermind behind the entire plan, he worked among heroes to learn their weaknesses, and he killed Shift. Pathos was only an underling who served as the decoy matermind – and now, Darkstar plans to use Hikari as bait for the rest of The Seven, leading them all to their deaths. Yes, all seems lost – until an unlikely rescuer appears. His name? Darkstar. (Aw, you know I wouldn’t really turn Darkstar into the chessmaster, right?) But now, the question is: who is the real Darkstar, the mastermind or the rescuer? When the second Darkstar is proven to be the real one, the true identity of the mastermind is revealed to be…Shift, the hero thought dead. His plan was to eventually let Hikari escape so that she could warn The Seven that Darkstar was the mastermind, thereby leading to his inevitable death at the hands of the Seven and the disappearence of the only possible variable in his plan. Then, Shift would use his ability to cause dissent among the heroes and turn them against each other so that they would destroy themselves. Shift was a true Chessmaster – he posed as the Seven’s leader to learn their weak points, then conviniently vanished around the same time Darkstar first debuted. When the remaining members of the Seven arrive, they manage to finish off Shift’s empire, but Hikari is crushed after the events of the day. It’s Darkstar who manages to help her – and he ends up finding the one thing he’s been missing all his life – a little love.
—–
And it’s a happy ending after all. The story switches between the POVs of Hikari and Darkstar, and, although darker than HTSTW, it still retains my style.
- Wings
Ran out of space again…curse this DSi.
Anyway, what I need for the story is a few more characters. I need three more heroes (two male and one female) and at least one minor villain (Preferably male). The heroes need to mesh with the others personality-and-power-wise, and the villains need good motivations (Alcatraz only robs banks and the like because she loves the rush – it’s a natural drug for her that she can’t live without).
A feature of the story is that it only focuses on the characters’s hero identities, not their aliases. Just thought you should know.
- Wings
Hmm, I always realized that your stories seem to have more heroes then villains, not that I believe anything is wrong with that. I am here to come out with a good minor villain for you, and since the realm that your story is set in has the heroes appear more casual, this may be a bit easier for me. Since you asked for good motivation, I was thinking about a spiritual approach, such as an over-zealous creep, or a former cultist leader trying to further ideas through powers (however, the cult thing is starting to appear overdone). This character could believe that he/she was given these powers for a divine purpose, such as annihilating humanity so it could be redone, or something similarly creepy. (It could be somewhat like Scar from FMA).
The only power that seems to fit is nature-manipulation. (I could come up with more. I just need to know how far you will go and how violent it can be.) He/she could also be the leader of a group of evil doers with weaker powers or no powers at all.
I would also like to know what Darkstar’s powers are. It could help me try to think up heroes.
~ P
Still, villains always have armies of faceless henchmen with weapons. Heroes don’t.
One question I’m facing: does Darkstar have powers? after all, the heroes he was based on (Batman and the Punisher) didn’t have powers, and neither do other characters in the book (Alcatraz and Instinct, although Instinct trained to sharpen her senses to animalistic levels, and Alcatraz is just good at opening locks).
There was one of Nightcrawler’s (X-Men) powers that I liked – his ability to disappear in shadows. Invisibility with a few limits might work for Darkstar.
Here are the already created heroes/villains:
Heroes:
Shift, a human shapeshifter (unlike Jazz, an animal shapeshifter)
Instinct, a Badass Normal (Her senses are heightened, but she trained to receive them)
Masochist, a blood manipulator (Powerful enough to kill any being easily, but has a policy against harming lives – any lives. There’s a reason he’s called Masochist)
Hikari, a minor light manipulator (She’s a rather decent fighter for someone who can only create flashes of light)
Villains:
Pathos, who gains different powers with different emotions (I’ll need help with this, but feeding on his opponent’s rage gave him pyrokinetic abilities, and he actually dies from an overdose of emotions in the end)
Alcatraz, a Badass Normal (An excellent marksman, but has no other offensive ability)
One of the abandoned ideas for my universe was that almost all of the abilities were simply specialized versions of telekinesis, even things like teleportation, but the majority of individuals were only able to use it in a single form, so I took some time creating names for abilities using the pairing of the word “kinetic” prefix and whatever Greek word I felt best described the power, in the same vein as Stephen King’s Firestarter’s pyrokinesis, or photokinesis as your Hikari’s power would be described.
They were mostly junk, but one of the few that I liked was Hemokinesis to describe the power to manipulate blood, it flowed a bit better I thought then most of the other ways to sum up the power. You’re welcome to incorporate it if you like it, not that you need my permission, it’s an obvious coinage but I thought I’d mention it since I haven’t seen it used elsewhere.
Very interesting! I’ll do some research to see if there is an official name for blood manipulation.
As for a minor villain, I might bring back Scapegoat. His power – in my opinion – was pretty different from the norm – when someone injures him, the inflicter feels double the amount of pain in the same area.
I’ll brainstorm with P.
- Wings
Two heroes have been made!
Name: Synth
Powers: Plant manipulation
Personality: Masochist’s cousin, a short-tempered personality and an older brother figure to Hummingbird. His combat specialty is a giant Venus Flytrap which attacks many opponents at once. Unlike the stereotype of a pacifist plant manipulator, he revels in violence and loves horror movies.
Name: Hummingbird
Power: Sonic flight (I don’t know the proper name)
Personality: The youngest and newest member of The Seven by far, Hummingbird is a hyper thirteen year old who still sees the hero buisness as a game. Like his namesake, he can fly incredibly fast but needs to consume a lot of sugar to make up for the amount of energy he burns.
What do you guys think? I’ve noticed that I’m turning a lot of hero stereotypes upside down (see Personality Power on tvtropes) – what with a pacifist blood manipulator and a violent plant manipulator.
I’ve also descided that I’m using Scapegoat as the minor villain, so all I need now is a female hero.
- Wings
I’m considering an artist heroine for the final member of the Seven – whatever she draws comes to life, but it literally will be exactly as drawn (Say she draws a knife…if it’s just a small doodle it will come into being…at the size it was drawn), and she can’t draw anything alive.
I also created this gem of a line in a characterization email to P. If Darkstar is asked why he chose his costume (black, mainly relys on a cloak) and why he didn’t pick something more classic, he makes a reference to All-American costumes: “{I’d prefer not to run around looking like a glorified barbershop pole.”
Oh, and Synth’s name came from synthesis/photosynthesis.
- Wings
That sounds good. A few questions, though:
1. How will she draw these objects so that they come to life? Handsigns? A magical pencil or pen?
2. What will she use to draw them with? Is she gonna have paper on her, or will she draw it on her skin, or just make its shape in the air?
3. It sounds like this power is her sole line of defense and offense. Will she have some additional fighting skills?
4. The barbershop joke might fly over some people’s heads, but I think that depends on who this is marketed towards.
1. A pen with specially engineered ink.
2. She would carry a lot of paper, but she can draw on almost any surface (although most can’t be used, mainly concrete. brick, stone…Put it this way. If you can draw on it with a regular pen, it’s usable)
3. She can use most of the weapons she draws (her specialty is bladed weapons since guns are fairly complicated to draw in a short period of time). Heck, as long as it’s lifesized (be it a shield or another weapon/object) it’s usable.
4. It was originally flagpole or something similar, but I felt that barbershop pole felt a little more unreal/out there/fantastic.
One more thing – since they were born from paper, everything she creates is extremely vulnerable to fire.
- Wings
Hmm… do you really need seven main characters? That seems an awful lot.
It does at first, but there’s a way around it. In the Legion of Superheroes cartoon and Justice League, they had the team broken down to 2-5 members while the others were out doing their own thing relevant to the story.
That’s a lot harder to do in a novel. How do you plan to develop seven characters (plus villains) when they aren’t even on-screen all the time? Also, this would be hard to do well in a novel (which is what I assume Wings is writing). As I understand it, Justice League was a long running comic series, and if Legion of Superheroes was a cartoon, it probably had a far run as well. A novel only has, say, 500 pages to do the same thing. And 500 pages is a fairly sizable novel.
It’s also worth mentioning that Justice League used previously established characters (according to my quick Wiki search… I’m not really a comic book kind of person), so the audience was already familiar with them. Wings will have to build hers from scratch, so to speak.
LoSH only had two seasons. Regardless, the other thing I can think of is if they have them seperated and then come together at the end for the climactic battle.
Yeah, trying to establish seven teammates in a novel would be kind of a killer. My layman’s intuition is that it doesn’t fit the medium of a novel very well– TV viewers can tolerate one-trait character development (see TMNT or Power Rangers), but novel-readers generally won’t. I suspect that most publishers would be more receptive to a cast of 3-4 well-developed teammates than 6-8 characters that are not so well-developed. The only published exception I can think of is the Wild Card novels, and I have some more thoughts about why they worked here and here.
Still, The Seven sounded cool…
However, they aren’t all major characters (Hikari and Darkstar being most important, Instinct and Masochist on the outer edges, and Synth, Hummingbird, and artist girl as only minor characters. Shift isn’t *technically* introduced until the end, and out of the minor villains Alcatraz gets the most spotlight).
I could cut out artist girl and call them The Six (remember, Shift isn’t there, but then again we have Darkstar, although he isn’t a member).
- Wings
I think making them “The Six” would be a wise descision because in my mind, the number seven is the most over used of any number ever. (Besides 42.)
~ P
Ah, your computer was fixed, then?
Still wondering about Darkstar’s power – I think invisibility in shadow would be cool without screaming out “I will be paired with the light manipulator!”
All right, from now on they are The Six! Here is the new character list:
Darkstar, a (maybe) partial umbrakinetic/umbratechnic (Manipulating shadow and generating shadow respectably)
The Six (in order of importance):
Hikari, a partial photokinetic (light manipulator)
Masochist, a blood manipulator
Instinct, a Badass Normal
Hummingbird, a sonic flyer
Synth, a plant manipulator
Villains:
Shift, a human shapeshifter
Pathos, an emotion manipulator (an empath with a serious power upgrade, since he gains different abilities depending on the emotions present)
Alcatraz, a Badass Normal
Scapegoat, a (no term known) physical shield (Whatever injury inflicted on him is rebounded doubly so on the attacker)
Funny, I’ve just realized that of the three female characters – Hikari, Alcatraz, and Instinct – two are Badass Normals and the remaining one still relys on basic fighting. Interesting….
Now, *sighs* back to my homework. We were supposed to have less because of the holiday, but the universe simply MUST torture us.
- Wings, who figured out how to sneak SN out from under the parental controls
All right, people, I have a serious question.
Darkstar: So you say…
Wings: Go away, Figment of My Imagination. Anyway, the question is: Should the Masochist/Synth pairing become canon, or should they remain relatives? (For the record, it, like most of my other romances, would never be explicitly stated – going by fanfiction terms, it would be portrayed as shonen-ai) Do you think people could be offended by me putting such a relationship in the book?
For one, I have no problem with homosexual relationships in writing and in the real world (Hey, love is love is love! Girl, boy, or tree, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things). Heck,I even ship Darkstar/Titan, despite their being from different universes.
Darkstar: *anger mark* You. Said. You’d. Never Mention. That. Incident. Again.
Wings: I lied.
Secondly, it wouldn’t be hard to implement it into the original story (As of now they’re close cousins).
Thirdly, if I decide against it but continue writing it like I am now, it could devolve into the male equivalent of Hide Your Lesbians. I’d have to rewrite several scenes to kill even the faintest glimmer of it.
On the other hand, I could offend my readers enough to make them put the book down, burn it, rip it apart, exorcise it, or all of the above at the same time. ‘Nuff said.
So I’m asking for your opinion. What should I do?
- Wings
Keep it in, I’d say. But then again, I’m a person who would rather not have those kinds of people reading my books than remove hints of a homosexual relationship just so I wouldn’t “offend” people. (I will stop here before I start ranting. Prejudice makes me rage.)
If you just want to hint that they have feelings for each other, I would take out the cousins part. Personally, I could cope with that, but I think a good portion of readers would find it a bit too close to incest for comfort (as I understand it, in the US there is some sort of stigma against first cousins marrying, which although considered odd in the UK isn’t really judged too harshly, or in some parts of the world is even encouraged). Old friends would work just as well, I think.
If you are worried about offending readers, you could simply keep it as a subtext and leave it open to interpretation. Those who don’t want to see “boy love” will assume they are close friends.
Wings,
I argee with Holliequ. You are the writer, write what you want and if it offends them they don’t have to read it.
I’ll just imply it then. This way, I can hopefully make all my reviewers happy.
Yes! Now I can ship Synth/Masochist! *throws confetti*
I also like to go on prejudice rants, Holliequ. Perhaps sometime we should rant together.
- Wings
Haha. I don’t particularly like to go on prejudice rants, it just happens. For example, there were some protests over here early which essentially boiled down to “Muslims should go back to where they came from!” (of course, they completely ignored the fact that a lot of Muslims living in Britain were born here.) Oh, the temptation to hit those people with large sticks… good job they weren’t near me, or else I might well have gone out and yelled at them.
I completely understand that temptation. *grabs large stick*
I actually found a quote that seems to fit Darkstar: “Those who fear the darkness have no idea what the light can do.” – Katasai Rakshasa. Don’t know who the heck said this, but it seems fitting for Darkstar’s views on life.
If anything, I’ll change it a little to have a better overall sound. The quote will still be cited as theirs, however, since I’ve seen loads of variations of this quote when searching for the author.
- Wings
Hello. Could I prod y’all to avoid politics? Nothing personal.
Okay! The conversation kinda ended already.
- Wings, who would like people to check out the new beginning of Chapter 2 of HTSTW, now posted
Here is the prologue of Darkstar Rising – surprisingly, I actually got around to writing it.
———-
Prologue
It seemed a bit off to call them the Six, now that only five heroes remained on the active roster.
Then again, none of them had asked for Darkstar’s opinion.
Darkstar had never fit the stereotypical image of a superhero, but then again, he wasn’t a superhero at all. His singed and battered cloak whipped about his ankles, occasionally snagging on smoldering furniture. Darkstar cursed under his breath as a new hole was singed though the dark fabric. He held the child in his arms closer to him, shielding the boy’s face from the smoke.
Darkstar remained impassive as he narrowly sidestepped a burning support, his cape just missing it as the house began to crumble slowly. No emotion was betrayed as the set the child down outside at the feet of one of the fireman, no words were said as he turned away from the building in flames and blended into the shadows, leaving no trace of his presence behind.
Perhaps Pathos would call in the morning with news of a job for him. He smiled into the darkness.
No matter what it was, he always got the job done.
————
I’m not quite as happy with it as I was with the HTSTW prologue, but that is why I came here – to make it better.
- Wings
Wings,
Love the prologue. It is short sweet and to the point. Also it is very intriguing. However, there seems to be something off about it. I dont know what it is though, so it may be just me. But once again great prologue.
Love?!? R-really?
*grabs Darkstar and begins the rare and wonderful Wings Happy Dance*
I did sense something off about it (wording perhaps) but woooooww….
*continues Wings Happy Dance*
*leaves a plate of cookies shaped like Darkstar’s head out for other reviewers*
- Wings
Wings,
I have given your prologue more thought and I think I have pinned down the “thing that is off about it”. I am having trouble deciding what I shoud label darkstar as, Good guy or bad guy. Now my first impression is that he is a bad guy who has just taken out one of the good guys, but if he is a bad guy why save the baby. So then I think to myself, self maybe he isn’t a bad guy maybe he is an anti-hero. Then self says, but ghost, Darkstar may not be either, he may just be another superhero who came to help the superhero in the burned out house and showed up to late and since Darkstar doesn’t know said dead superhero, he simply saves the baby ad leave.
So I guess the whole point of my rambling, Wings, is that you might what to give the reader a better feel for Darkstars hero/villain orientation. Also, gove more of an idea as to what his realtionship to “the six” is. If “the six” are Darkstar’s antagonists, or are only his antagonist because of some superfiscial reason like he is paid to kill them, then let the reader know that too.
P.S. Sorry about the misspelled words. I am typing on a netbook with a tiny off centered keyboard.
Hello! I got confused ’cause this isn’t the same review forum I was at earlier, but then I realized it said “second” on it. lol
Since, I’m here, I decided to read the prologue you wrote.
It sounds nice so far, Wings! I agree with Ghost that it’s a little hard to tell whose side Darkstar is on. Also, since you only mention “the Six” once without saying what happened to the sixth hero, it’s a little confusing… Maybe you could actually say what happened to the other guy?
Right now, it sounds like Darkstar popped up and killed the guy after burning the house down, then decided to save the baby because it certainly wasn’t the IT’S fault the superheroes fought in its house. (I think Ghost said this, and it was my first impression, too)
I think all we need for the prologue to be more clear is to know what happened to the sixth superhero. Is his body crippled on the ground with a imprint of Darkstar’s fist against his face? Is he dead, or just unconscious? Where are the other five heroes? Are they in the room, too? Why is Darkstar here? Was he contracted to kill that other hero? That could be referenced by some kind of “job well done” line, but if he’s saving the baby from a burning building, I’m not sure Darkstar killed anyone… Why doesn’t Darkstar want to save the Sixth guy, too, if he’s saving the baby? …Or is there NO DEAD GUY at all, and the “sixth hero” is actually Darkstar, who left the other heroes because he’s not your “typical hero”, or he got kicked out or something?
Umm… I hope this helps a little, Wings. Ghost’s comment got me thinking…
Yay, reviewers!
When it comes down to it, Darkstar is considered a rogue hero – he works for villains and heroes alike. He’s similar to a hired mercenary. Of course, this means that neither side trusts him – the villains only hire him as a henchman or something similar because “he always completes the mission”.
The missing hero *spoiler alert!* is Shift, who disappeared over a year ago and is presumed dead. However, he’s Not Really Dead and is actually the lead villain, which is only revealed at the story’s end.
The Six…well, to Darkstar, they’re…
Darkstar: Annoyances which think that the only way to be a hero is to be perfectly good all the time. What’s the fun in that?
Wings: And what about Hikari?
Darkstar: A ridiculously unemotional person who sees the world in black and white. She thinks that in order to be a hero one has to be the epitome of goodness and nothing less.
Wings: In short, he loves her.
Darkstar: I do not!
Wings: Back on topic-
The rest of the plot is hidden in the forum somewhere…and ignore the blurbs about Ai, that’s a discontinued idea.
- Wings
Wings,
Alright well that clears up alot for me. So now my suggestion would be to make the fact that Darkstar is a merc more obvious. You dont have to actually say that of course, but as a reader I expect to be able to infer that info. So one way to do that is to maybe make that baby a kidnap victim he was sent to rescue. For instance,
Darkstar’s singed and battered cloak whipped about his ankles, occasionally snagging on smoldering furniture. Darkstar cursed under his breath as a new hole was singed though the dark fabric. He glanced down at the child he held in his arms and shifted his cloak to shield the small boy’s face from the smoke. The child looked so small and innocent, and entirely to un-important enough to rate a rescue by the six…
Darkstar grinned.
It seemed a bit off to call them the Six, now that only five heroes remained. Then again, none of them had asked for Darkstar’s opinion, nor were they every likely to, as Darkstar had never fit their stereotypical image of a superhero. Unlike the might Six, he preferred to get paid for his services.
Darkstar remained impassive as he narrowly sidestepped a burning support, his cape just missing it as the house began to crumble slowly. No emotion was betrayed as the set the child down outside at the feet of one of the fireman, no words were said as he turned away from the building in flames and blended into the shadows, leaving no trace of his presence behind.
Perhaps Pathos would call in the morning with news of a job for him. He smiled into the darkness.
No matter what it was, he always got the job done.
So I know I reordered a few things and added a few more but its just example to show you how to give the reader some info about darkstar and his feelings toward the six.
Yay! Rogue hero!
I like Ghost’s suggestions for the prologue, because it helps the reader know what’s going on. I have absolutely no bearing on your Darkstar story, Wings, since I stumbled onto your second review forum by accident. So I’m reading the story without any prior information (like a regular walk-around-in-the-bookstore reader), and I’m wondering why “the Six” were mentioned in the prologue in the first line, then not spoken of again for the rest of it. If “the Six” technically have nothing to do with the first scene, maybe it would be better to be more generic and have Darkstar talk about “most superheroes” instead of specifically “the Six”?
Then later, when Darkstar has some time to muse about the six heroes (and their missing member), you could mention that the group is amongst the heroes who view Darkstar as a blacksheep? I almost imagine there being some sort of news report about the missing hero, or a street conversation about it or something, but… now I’m just rambling uselessly.
Due to starting the prologue with a somewhat cryptic remark about “the Six”, it made me think that Darkstar had just finished murdering someone, heh-heh.
Your prologue’s very… short. As it is now, we have no clue about who “the Six” are, no clue about Darkstar’s motivations, his powers, or anything. He just rescues baby, gets out, and disappears.
Why is he rescuing the baby? How did the building catch fire (if relevant)? Why is he at the scene? Does he choose to rescue the baby, or is he paid to? Because depending on your answer, you have a great opporunity to either classify Darkstar as “villain protagonist” or “anti-hero” right from the get go. (This is good, since your readers will all be on the same page.) I can’t imagine that somebody would pay him to save a baby from a burning building, so this makes it a choice and makes him some kind of hero, at least.
I think this scene could be fleshed out a lot more. Darkstar rescued a baby from a burning building when (presumably), nobody else could, and what’s more he does it without serious injury! This is a chance to show readers how impressive he is. I would go into more detail on the rescue (for example, he has to fight his way through the flames, around parts of the floor that have fallen in, avoid falling debris etc.) and the subsequent disappearence. The disappearence is what sets him apart from typical heroes, I think. Does he not want and/or expect thanks from the bystanders for this? Or do the bystanders do something which makes him leave? (Alternatively, if Darkstar has a history of being Hired Neutral, maybe he remembers a similar reaction previously and would rather avoid it.)
I’m not sure if the Six deserve a mention here. I don’t think they’re entirely relevant. The most important thing is introducing Darkstar, I feel. The Six and their role can be introduced later.
Don’t get me wrong, I think this is a good start. It just needs expanding.
Okay then, I’ll work the line for The Six into chapter one, where the story is in Hikari’s (a member of the Six) perspective.
He doesn’t want thanks or the usual looks from the civilains, so her makes a hasty retreat into the shadows. Put it this way – what on earth do you say to the bank robber of the previous day after he saves your child?
I do like your reordering, Ghost. Can I use parts of it?
more later-
- Wings
Of course you can Wings. You did all the hard work, I just did a little editing.
Thanks!
*reheats the cookies shaped like Darkstar’s head*
- Wings
I came up with a possible new story in geometry (And that is probably why I’m failing geometry, but writing is far greater in importance in my book). It’s a science fiction which I think would appeal to the fans of Maximum Ride. It employs a Villain Protagonist (later an Anti Villain Protagonist), one thing I’ve never done before but quite enjoy. (This page at TVTropes: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/VillainProtagonist – If you understand Death Note then you will laugh at the picture).
Let’s see…I was thinking about Death Note in geometry (Oh, like any of you guys actually pay attention ALL the time!) and wondering about the Villain Protagonist concept. Then, as my mind normally does afte eating ice cream at lunch, I changed gears abruptly and started thinking about the Maximum Ride series. Then, I asked myself a question (The question method is actually how the entire premise of how Darkstar came to be): What if there was a sympathetic Eraser *spoiler* other than Ari? The idea took off, soon distancing itself from the original material. Then the plot of this new idea started forming:
In the future, a seemingly peaceful utopia reigns. Below the surface, however, a secret government-sponsored group called the Hunters are sent to exterminate or “erase” any human born with animalistic traits.
These humans, called Abominations by the Hunters, are said to be throwbacks to the beginning of evolution, and all posess the traits of specific animals (e.g lizards, wolves, lions…any animal basically).
Our protagonist is one of the Hunters with no qualms about what she does in destroying the Abominations.
More later, the computer lab is closing and I’m banned from the Net at home.
- Wings
Aw, I’m sorry you’re banned from the computer at home, Wings! Ah, well. And I can sympathize with sitting there in math class inventing story ideas, heehee. My lecture notes from math class sometimes end up with doodles of my story characters looking confused, lol.
You’ll have to tell more about it once you get the extra time. Writing a story like that might give you a fun in-story excuse to invent crazy human-animal combinations, like a completely normal looking guy in a suit except that his entire head is an ostrich (complete with long neck, big eyes, dangerous beak, bow-tie and top hat). Haha, I’m just kidding. But you could be pretty inventive with the Abominations if you just whip out the zoo books!
Nice idea so far.
StarE: *stumbles onto the subway and bumps into some ordinary guy wearing a suit* Whoops! O_O *picks up his tophat and gives it back to him* Here you go, s…s…SIR!?
Ostrich Head Man: *opens beak and hisses in StarE’s face* Hahhhhhh… o____o
I’ve become quite a fan of the dark utopia concept. For instance, in this new story humans are the elite race and all of them are considered equal – sure, it sounds like world peace, but what happens to those deemed “less than human”?
Bye for now!
- Wings
Speaking of dark utopias, I am absolutely in love with Surrogates. In many ways (ie everything but action), it was noticeably better than The Matrix.
SURROGATES IS OUT?
I’ve heard the title…what is it?
- Wings
New Bruce Willis movie.
Breaking Benjamin did the theme song, I believe. “I Will Not Bow.” The music video made the film look incredibly awesome and I’m a fan of Bruce Willis, so I really want to see Surrogates! I wonder if I could get any of my friends to go with me… I don’t think they’re really action fans. =/
In the future, everyone uses robotic avatars that look like perfected versions of themselves to live, while staying in-doors, Bruce Willis plays a detective that has to investigate a series of murders in which someone is killing people by killing their avatars.
That’s the plot of the movie, basically.
Never liked Bruce Willis, I’ve always thought that John McClane should have been played by a more comedic actor, a Bill Murray or Robin Williams, someone with whom the violent aspects would’ve been more surprising then the comedic.
“I don’t think they’re really action fans.” Surrogates has action sequences but my action-loathing ladyfriend had a good time. She thought the relationship angle was well-done. We have a deal where I have to see a particular number of chick flicks with her based on how much she dislikes the movies I pick out.
So, it’d be three chick flicks for 28 Weeks Later or Saw, two chick flicks for most superhero movies and just one for Surrogates. When I pointed out that Catwoman was really woman-friendly because it had a strong female protagonist, she bumped it up to three. Haha.
Hmmm…I must investigate further! To Wikipedia!
- Wings
I’m back to work on the Darkstar prologue and hope to finish it before NaNo…
And I came up with a few Abomination characters.
Snake-Hybrid
A female character with patches of emerald scales. Scales are slightly invulnerable. Maybe serpentine eyes or large fangs.
Hawk-Hybrid
A male character with feathered, taloned feet and lower legs. No wings or any other birdlike signs.
Fish-Hybrid
A female character with finned arms and gills. May or may not have a fish tail.
Personally, my favorite is the hawk hybrid simply because unlike the typical bird hybrids (looking at you Maximum Ride), he can’t fly and has no seemingly useful ability.
- Wings
Darkstar’s singed and battered cloak whipped about his ankles, occasionally snagging on smoldering furniture. He carefully picked his way through minute infernos and charred walls, taking care to make sure his enshrouding cloak did not snag of protruding rubble. Darkstar cursed under his breath as a new hole was singed though the dark fabric. He glanced down at the child he held in his arms and shifted his cloak to shield the small boy’s face from the smoke. The child looked so small and innocent, and entirely to unimportant enough to rate a rescue by the Six
It seemed a bit off to call them the Six, now that only five heroes remained. Then again, none of them had asked for Darkstar’s opinion, nor were they every likely to, as Darkstar had never fit their stereotypical image of a superhero. Unlike the mighty Six, he preferred to get paid for his services.
Darkstar remained impassive as he narrowly sidestepped a burning support, his cape just missing it as the house began to crumble slowly. No emotion was betrayed as the set the child down outside at the feet of one of the fireman, no words were said as he turned away from the building in flames and blended into the shadows, leaving no trace of his presence behind.
Perhaps Pathos would call in the morning with news of a job for him. He smiled into the darkness.
Whatever it was – be it a rescue or a robbery – he always got the job done.
———-
Enjoy! Thanks to Ghost for being extremely helpful! Don’t get me wring, everyone else too!
*puts out another plate of cookies shaped like Darkstar heads*
Darkstar: *eats one* There’s something unnerving about taking a bite out of one’s face…
- Wings
“Darkstar’s singed and battered cloak whipped about his ankles, occasionally snagging on smoldering furniture. He carefully picked his way through minute infernos and charred walls, taking care to make sure his enshrouding cloak did not snag of protruding rubble.”
I feel like the first sentence here is drastically better than the second. The first has a smooth cadence and uses vocabulary that feels natural. In contrast, the second one uses vocabulary that feels sort of weird to me. “minute infernos” and “enshrouding cloak” distracted me a lot from the rest of the sentence. Also, “snag of” should probably be “snag on,” but I’d recommend rephrasing it entirely to avoid awkward repetition with the first sentence. I’d also recommend thinking about an alternate phrase for “picked his way through…” Maybe something that more directly suggests motion? Also, how do you pick your way through a wall?
“entirely to unimportant enough to rate a rescue by the Six”—I’d recommend rephrasing this. Maybe “not even remotely important enough to rate [or merit or deserve] by the Six.”
If he’s a mercenary, I’d recommend making that more front and center when he’s complaining about whether the child merits rescue. Is the importance of the victim what he cares about? Or is it the ability of the victim to pay for rescue? Why would he care more about importance than money?
“Then again, none of them had asked for Darkstar’s opinion, nor were they every likely to, as Darkstar had never fit their stereotypical image of a superhero. Unlike the mighty Six, he preferred to get paid for his services.” I feel like this could probably show off his thinking a little bit better if it were more stylish. It portrays him in a studiously neutral way, sort of like a journalist wrote it. “he preferred to get paid for his services.” If this is from his perspective, I imagine he’d have a slant towards getting paid. “he wasn’t dumb enough to work for free” or something.
“Then again, none of them had asked for Darkstar’s opinion, nor were they every likely to, as Darkstar had never fit their stereotypical image of a superhero.” I’d recommend clearing out at least one of these clauses. Also, I think stereotypical is probably unnecessary and “every” should be “ever.” You could probably take out the word “likely”—it’ll make him seem a bit more sure of himself and it heightens the conflict. “none of them had asked…” could be “they never asked.” Last comment—I’d recommend thinking about splitting this into two sentences (probably ending the first sentence after the word “opinion”).
“It seemed a bit off to call them the Six.” There might be a more descriptive adjective available than “off” here.
“No emotion was betrayed…” I’d recommend rephrasing this in a “positive” sense, in terms of what he IS doing rather than what he is NOT doing (not showing emotion). Does that make sense? In this case, you could probably work in the word “curtly” or “professionally” to show that this is just part of the job and he’s not really into it.
“Perhaps Pathos would call in the morning with news of a job for him.” I’d recommend revising around the phrase “with news of a job for him.” The easiest way would probably be to change it to “with a new job for him.” However, I’d recommend a more radical revision like “Perhaps Pathos would have work for him tomorrow.”
I like the last sentence.
Oddly enough, I’ve just discovered that all the female characters in Darkstar Rising are minorities – Instinct being African American, Alcatraz being Hispanic, and Hikari being Japanese.
Okay, here’s the remastered version.
———-
Darkstar’s singed and battered cloak whipped about his ankles, occasionally snagging on smoldering furniture. The walls around him blazed as he wove his way through the burning rubble. Darkstar cursed under his breath as a new hole was singed though the dark fabric. He glanced down at the child he held in his arms and shifted his cloak to shield the small boy’s face from the smoke. The child looked so small and innocent, not seemingly enough to merit a rescue from the esteemed Six. Although they probably deigned to rescue every cat from every tree in ____, Darkstar’s priorities were slightly higher on the scale.
In retrospect, it seemed a bit off to call them the Six, now that only five heroes remained. Then again, none of them had asked for Darkstar’s opinion, nor were they ever likely to, as Darkstar had never fit their image of a superhero. Unlike the mighty Six, he wasn’t dumb enough to work for free.
Darkstar remained impassive as he narrowly sidestepped a burning support, his cape just missing it as the house began to crumble slowly. Curtly he set the child down outside at the feet of one of the fireman. He said nothing as he turned away from the building in flames and blended into the shadows, leaving no trace of his presence behind.
Perhaps Pathos would call in the morning with news of a job for him. He smiled into the darkness.
Whatever it was – be it a rescue or a robbery – he always got the job done.
——-
I was also happy with the last sentence, the one I’m using finally has the tone I want.
I am requiring assistance in naming Darkstar’s city – unlike the Specials, Darkstar Rising is not set in the real world (For instance, New York is quite prominent in TAWNBT). I don’t want something uber-edgy (No “Bludhaven”s please), but I also don’t want something ridiculously lighthearted. Anyone up for helping?
- Wings
Bluecastle? Brittingham? New Verde? *random suggestions*
Good luck with NaNo, Wings! I can’t wait for midnight.
I kinda like New Verde…
- Wings
I am officially terrified about NaNo. Considering I’m pretty much not allowed to use the computer, there’s about a 0.001 chance I’ll actually finish…
*emits a wave of fear which goes on to hit someone in the face*
- Wings
Don’t worry about it, Wings! 1700 words a day is not nearly as bad as it seems.
Anyway, even if you don’t finish you will have a huge boost to your story as far as words go. And you can try again next year.
I get for start writing in about 20 minutes (yes, I am staying up until midnight to write). I’m so excited.
I hope this story works out…
A few little details about Shift…
Shift fooled Hikari and the rest of the world into thinking he’s dead by cutting off part of his arm and leaving something precious which he would never part with (A ring given to him by Hikari) with either a mook or merely leaving it somewhere. He’s described as charismatic, an excellent actor, and (by Hikari) attractive.
Hmmm….If I were to liken my universe (Henceforth dubbed the Wingverse) to the Marvel Universe/DC Universe, Darkstar is probably Batman or the Punisher (He even has Alcatraz as a non-romantic Catwoman) and the Specials are the X-Men, the Six being something like…the Avengers! Yeah…
- Wings
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darkstar_%28comics%29
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. Should I be worried?
- Wings
I’m not a lawyer, so take this for what it’s worth.
Marvel and DC are notoriously aggressive about protecting their names. Furthermore, Darkstar is a pretty distinct name. If the name were more generic, I think you’d be less legally exposed. I’d suspect that a distinct name (like Darkstar or Agent Orange) is more likely to arouse legal concern because it can be more readily tied to a particular creative work or works.
I would recommend looking into alternatives. I don’t think that it would affect a publisher’s decision to work with you or not, but it’d be useful to have other options if the editor would like a change. How much does the name matter to you? For example, if I changed my series name from Superhero Nation, I would have to redo my cover’s logo (~$50) and I’d lose the benefit of being associated with the phrase “Superhero Nation” through this website. Would it cost you anything to try an alternative?
Gweh…I really liked Darkstar…
Hmmm…*drags in Darkstar* How about Shade?
Darkstar: Taken by DC.
Wings: Er…Midnight?
Darkstar: Taken, cliche, and girly.
Wings: *evil smile* Twilight?
Darkstar: Hell no.
Wings: What about Darken?
Darkstar: It appears suitable, and it’s not taken…Hm. I shall consider that one.
Wings: *turns to captive studio audience* What do you guys think?
- Wings
Sounds fine. What about Eclipse or Nightshade?
Nightshade’s DC and Marvel. Eclipse Comics was the name of a now defunct publisher, but as far as I can tell it hasn’t been used as a character’s name.
Dangit..I have a Nightshade in my other review forum…
Anyone got a rename for a female animal shapeshifter? Hmmm…
- Wings
I wouldn’t recommend worrying too much about character names. Keep your eye on the prize– as long as you don’t try something brazen like naming a character Spiderman, a publisher can iron out the legal problems after offering you a contract. Just focus on writing something good enough to publish. The publisher may ask for a name change later, but I wouldn’t recommend spending much time worrying about it now.
Okay!
Now, a little useless blurblike thingy…
I’ve noticed that overall Darkstar Rising is definitely Darker And Edgier than How To Save The World (Although The Apocalypse Will Not Be Televised and the Third Book are pushing the series as a whole into a darker style), mainly due to some of the issues explored (The Synth/Masochist relationship and Alcatraz’s mental problems being most prominent). However, I’m balancing this with a number of Take Thats directed at superhero cliches (Red, white and blue costumes, the fact that no social workers go after superheroes for having underage sidekicks, capes, etc.). Yay for balance, anyway.
- Wings
I have returned. Did you miss me?
Darken’s (Formerly Darkstar) book planning is coming along well, I have a chunk of the first chapter almost finished. It’s the first time I’ve written in Hikari’s POV, so I’m hoping it worked. Here goes:
————
It was with distaste that Hikari handed the money to the mercenary, and with disgust that she watched him turn away without another word. Tucking the folded bills into some hidden pocket within his cloak, he paused, turning around. “I’ll expect a larger payment for my services next time.”
Opening her mouth to retort, the slender Japanese woman caught herself before she said something she would regret later. As much as she hated to admit it, the Six needed Darken. Instead, she bit her lip and turned on her heel, walking back towards the building. Hikari did her best to ignore the faint laughter emanating from the cloaked figure as the automatic doors slid shut behind her. “Computer, lock the entrances.” The subtle sound of electronic locks clicking shut reassured her as she entered the elevator, ignoring the endless loop of the tinny music within.
One the top floor, Hikari gratefully sat down on the overlarge white sofa within. She straightened her mask, the crescent moon shape settling back over her face, and sighed.
“Rough day, huh?”
Hikari nodded as the taller woman settled down next to her. Instinct was tall and powerfully built, the intimidating ex-fighter a force to be reckoned with. “Dealing with that mercenary again? Darken?”
Hikari buried her face in her hands with a groan. “Yes. First we start hiring someone to take care of the crimes we can’t get to; soon we’re going to be paying the government to clean up _____ instead of the other way around.” Hikari looked up, taking off her mask as she did so. “God, we can’t keep this up. Where are all those eager wannabe heroes now?”
Instinct leaned over. “Look, I know it’s getting tougher to keep doing what we do. It’s what we all signed up for.” She laid a comforting hand on Hikari’s shoulder. “You don’t have to do this by yourself, Noriko.”
Hikari stiffened, although whether the movement was caused by the touch or the usage of her civilian name was unclear. She stood up sharply, donning her mask. “No civilian names in the HQ, Instinct.” Her cape whisked around her as she stalked off toward the conference room. “Meeting in ten. Go find the others, will you?”
————-
The blank space is reserved for the still-unnamed city. Really have to fix that sometime…
Later on inbook, several deceased/fallen heroes are mentioned in passing, the first known one being Arach (As in Arachne), a recently deceased superhero who utilized a multi-limbed exoskeleton suit. Kinda like the bizarre heroic hybrid of Doctor Octopus and Spiral.
Does anyone know the name for Alcatraz’s sort-of mental fixation with locks?
- Wings
Anyone home?
- Wings
“It was with distaste that Hikari handed the money to the mercenary, and with disgust that she watched him turn away without another word.”
I think “distaste” and “disgust” have very similar meanings, so the use here is a bit… I can’t think of the word, dammit, but I recommend finding a replacement for one of them. Also “without another word” is contradicted only a sentence or two later when he speaks.
*double-take* Noriko was in Battle Royale! Haha. I found the coincidence amusing.
A few things. Instinct’s role/Hikari’s relationship with him isn’t incredibly clear. I think you could expand on your description of him a bit. Also, I think it would be worth expanding on the opening scene somewhat – the circumstances behind the payment, etc.
This bit too: “Hikari stiffened, although whether the movement was caused by the touch or the usage of her civilian name was unclear.”
This is seperating us from Hikari’s POV. If it starts from her perspective, it should stay that way. So, if the touch is what really causes her to feel uncomfortable, the reader should be shown this.
Otherwise, I think you’re off to a great start here! I like Hikari’s character.
I chose the name “Noriko” for Hikari because is was a Meaningful Name without being too meaningful – according to the Internet, it means “law child” or “rule child”. Slightly subverted since she only became her current uptight and mildly paranoid self after Shift’s death, before, she was a lighthearted idealist.
Note to self: figure out how to work in the line “Does it hurt being that uptight all the time?”. Only problem is, this could have been directed at/come from two different sets of people: from Darken to Hikari, or from Synth to Masochist.
In the next segment, we get the rest of the team – scholarly Masochist, mischievous Synth, and hyperactive Hummingbird. I shall go start writing it!
- Wings
Hey wings,
Long time no comment. So I have brought myself up to speed on the progress of your story and it looks like it is coming along nicely. I see that you changed your character’s name. I liked darkstar, and darken is ok, but I thought I would mention that you could always go with an ordinary name like logan, cable, or bishop from marvel. The only reason I metion it is because your character seems alot like those characters; deadly, mysterious, and works outside the system. Also, your character is more of a supermerc than a superhero, so a superhero type name may not be needed. For that reason, I suggest that you go with a single name such as Chase, Gage, Cyrus, Cole, Cain(I like this one very bad!@#), or Malec (another one that I like pronounced Mal-ek).
If I can put my humble 2 cents in, I like the idea that ghost has concerning the name for Darken. But i really like how your story is shaping up.
Reviews! I feel so special…
Anyway, I’m getting back to work on another segment of the to-be-retitled Darkstar Rising. Wish me luck, cause I’m probably gonna need it…
- Wings
Been a while since I posted last, but hopefully this will make up for my idleness.
I’ve been putting the finishing touches on a new novel idea, the tentatively titled Twisted Fantasy. The direct descendant of failed idea Ai, this one combines aspects of a lot of my old stories.
The base of the premise is the old Trapped In TV Land idea, turned Up To Eleven. An extremely dark and frightening eleven.
In the near future, the most popular video game in the world is the fantasy RPG Verse, played by thousands of people worldwide. Among its players are Elaine, a relentless perfectionist who sees the game as another way of achieving perfection, ____ (Who really needs a name), an intimidating introvert who sees the game as a way to reinvent himself, and Damien, a popular basketball player who sees the game as a way to escape from his virtually perfect world.
When the players of Verse begin falling into inexplainable comas worldwide, the world is catapulted into a state of turmoil – and the players themselves find out that Verse is not what it appears to be. Trapped in a world filled with mindless drones in lieu of humans and feral monsters at every turn, their very survival is a longshot, let alone their return to reality. Here is a small (Really, really small; I just typed it up on a whim) snippet of the first chapter:
——–
It took all of Elaine’s self control not to slam her head onto the console after the goblinlike creature slashed at her with its claws, wearing a grin that was two parts triumphant and one part insane. She settled for grabbing the nearest pillow, burying her face in it, and screaming.
“Player ICE has died.”
“You don’t have to sound so smug about it.” Elaine muttered.
——–
Much more to come,
- Wings
((If someone requires the meanings of the capitalized terms, just search them on TV Tropes. That website is my GOD.))
Hmm. The concept sounds a bit similar to .hack, but it sounds like it could be interesting. Please let me know when chapter one is ready.
*goes off to read the TVTropes entry*
…I didn’t realize they were that similar. I’d like to think that my overall concept for TF is different enough to get past the copyrighting people, but still…
If my concept is close to anything, though, the (Awesome, but apparently dead as of September last year) fanfiction Fatal Error is probably the victim. The authors are getting into the acknowledgements, even if I never discover who they are. Especially if I never discover who they are.
I shall go off and write.
- Wings
Due to me being an addicted gamer in the online world, I know that 90% of all MMORPG’s are fantasy based. (Though, this is the genre most gamers will understand.) Due to the game itself being the setting of a portion of the story, I would say that a change in the games genre could differentiate it from most other novels with the same idea: virtual world gone wrong.
However, this is asking for both a large plot change and even a title change, so consider this to be me simply jabbering if the idea is not a good one.
Carry on.
P.S. I would like to offer to give you advice on how a gamer acts while playing, and how they interact with other players.
Here is another (Possibly the final) section of chapter one of Darken’s story:
—————-
“Where’s Masochist?” Hikari asked, absentmindedly playing with a paperclip.
“He’s making another food run.” Synth tilted his chair backwards on two legs as he answered. He repositioned the sunglasses that sat precariously in his shaggy blond hair. “Someone drank all the regular soda again.” Returning his chair to its intended position, he poked the forehead of the boy next to him. “His fault.”
“It was just two bottles!” Hummingbird retorted in a typical eleven-year-old manner. For once, he momentarily put down the fast-food soda he was drinking. “It’s not like you’re gonna die without it!”
With one quick movement, the soda had been removed from Hummingbird’s possession. Synth held it over his head in one hand, his usual mischievous smirk pasted on his face. “Hypocritical humor, kid. What now, huh? What now?” He teased the younger boy.
Hummingbird took several steps backward, preparing to tackle Synth, just as someone knocked on the door.
Setting down the piece of wire which had once been a paperclip, Hikari called out. “Come in.”
Pushing the door open with one hand and holding a plastic grocery bag in the other, the missing member of the team walked in. Masochist set the newly acquired soda on the table in front of Hummingbird, and sat down next to Synth. “Arach’s dead.”
The effect of his words was as if the temperature in the room had just dropped twenty degrees. Hikari stood up abruptly, her cold eyes piercing the tardy hero. “What?”
“He was the guy with six arms, right?” Hummingbird asked Synth, who had wordlessly put Hummingbird’s drink back on the table and merely nodded in answer. A dark look crossed Instinct’s face, and she leaned forward to listen more closely.
“The police found him first. They still haven’t determined the cause of death, but just from the damage to his exoskeletal suit, they’re pretty sure it’s a powered villain who killed him. There ’s only a few weapons that could destroy it, and none of them are easy to get ahold of unless you know someone like Dr. Destructor.” Masochist said, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes as if to try and erase the day’s events.
“Pathos.” Hikari half-growled, slamming one silver gloved hand onto the table.
“He’s the only possible suspect.” Masochist replied quietly.
Hikari slumped back into her chair, her hand over her eyes. Arach had been one of the original solo heroes, and one of the few remaining solo after Pathos had first appeared. Arach had been a good man, a true hero.
He hadn’t deserved to die like a dog.
———-
In case you don’t know, Arach’s name is derived from Arachne of Greek myths.
- Wings
I’m having trouble keeping the stories apart, so please bear with me.
“The effect of his words was as if the temperature in the room had just dropped twenty degrees.” What would you think like “It felt like the temperature dropped twenty degrees”?
If we’re supposed to take Dr. Destructor seriously as a potential murderer, I’d recommend giving him a more serious name. Right now, his name in a scene that’s supposed to be sober feels a bit narmish. Umm, at this preposterously late hour, Dr. Nitrite and Decay sound okay as somewhat serious alternatives.
There are some punctuation issues with the dialogue. “There ’s only a few weapons that could destroy it, and none of them are easy to get ahold of unless you know someone like Dr. Destructor.” Masochist said… The period after Destructor should be a comma. “Get a hold of” could be shortened to “find” or “obtain.”
There’s really only one possible suspect? How do they know it wasn’t Dr. Destructor?
I’d recommend developing Arach in a more personal, fresh way. I think that the scene will be more emotionally effective if we feel attached to him as a person rather than as a plot device. For example, do any of the characters have a touching personal anecdote about him?
“He’s the only possible suspect.” Masochist replied quietly. The period after suspect should be a comma. “DIALOGUE,” he said.
This concept–showing superheroes reacting to a death– has been tried quite a few times before. I’d recommend playing it in a way that feels more distinct to your story and characters.
Dr. Destructor was a last-minute addition at ten at night, I don’t know what I was thinking either. XD
Hmm…Hummingbird might have something to say about Arach…
What other ways ways could I make this scene more distinct?
- Wings
Maybe describe the death more?
Maybe discuss some of the evidence? It seems like they’re jumping to conclusions based on nothing. “He’s the only possible suspect” is a pretty gutsy claim. Right now, that sounds like he’s trying to suggest that Pathos is the only person in the world that could have possibly killed Arach. (I don’t think that’s what you intended). Maybe he’s the only person in the world that would have killed Arach in this particular fashion. But we’d need to know more about how he died. Why does Pathos jump to mind? Why does it look like something he’d do? What’s his modus operandi like?
Maybe discuss what their next move is? If they’re really invested in this case, it’d probably mean heading over to the crime scene right now to begin investigating. (Or, if the police won’t let them check out the crime scene, they might try infiltrating the scene or stealing the police report or whatever). Or looking for witnesses. Or checking media reports on the crime. Or gathering a list of likely suspects. (I would imagine that the suspect pool for a crime of this magnitude would be pretty small, and many of them are probably in prison). Or speaking with contacts in the underworld.
Alternately, if you’d like to demonstrate that they’re really impulsive (or caught in the moment), maybe they’d begin investigating by looking for Pathos or one of his associates. However, based on what the scene has shown so far, they don’t know much (if anything) about the way he died. Running after Pathos based on a guess does not strike me as a particularly competent course of action.
…
If we really ARE supposed to know for sure it’s Pathos, I’d recommend having him leave a message at the scene to raise the stakes. “You’re next, Hikari!”