Mar 16 2009

Avi’s Second Review Forum

Published by at 11:30 am under Review Forums

Synopsis:  I’m mainly working on a superhero action comedy. The story is about a superhero trying to find the origin of his own superpowers.

Genre: Supernatural, Comedy, Drama.

Target Audience: young adults (12-18).  Contains fantasy violence, mild language, rude humor.

Preferred Reviewing Style: Please be honest. I don’t mind rude comments too, so tell me whatever you want to tell.

51 responses so far

51 Responses to “Avi’s Second Review Forum”

  1. Avi Arunon 23 Mar 2009 at 10:16 pm

    Note to B. Mac

    I want my second review forum to be on the sidebar instead of the first because I got a lot of concept gathered for the second one, so I will mainly be working on it.

    As I will be working on a more light hearted story in the second review forum, I am bringing Clue and other characters from the first story to the second. I’ll be giving more serious names to the characters of the first story. There might be some changes to be made to the first story, but I’ll be talking about that in a later post.

    For the password thing, its mainly intended to avoid anyone not part of this site to view my story. It can be known to anyone here in Superhero Nation. You can set any password you like and inform me.

  2. Avi Arunon 23 Mar 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Introduction to my Work
    I would like this to appear above the comments, B. Mac

    Synopsis

    Mainly working on a light-hearted superhero comedy. The story is about a superhero trying to find the origin of his own superpowers.

    Genre

    Supernatural, Comedy, Drama.

    Target Audience

    Young Adults. Suitable for Ages 12-18. Contains fantasy violence, mild language, rude humor.

  3. Avi Arunon 23 Mar 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Preferred Reviewing Style

    Appreciate or criticize, but be honest. I don’t mind rude comments too, so tell me whatever you want to tell.

  4. Avi Arunon 24 Mar 2009 at 10:12 am

    Prologue
    Firemen

    An hour is a long time to wait. Especially for a man who is haunted by sinister thoughts in solitude.

    I waited longer than I was told to. The Mayor sat right before my eyes, clearly doing nothing fruitful save for watching me wait. Afraid to let my mind wander, I dared myself to do things I shouldn’t be doing opposite the mayor. My easiest challenge was to count the strands of hair on his balding head and my hardest was to figure out how exactly does he plan to profit in making me wait an unnecessary hour.

    When the clock finally reached the last second of the hour, a socially weak henchman yelled in the mayor’s deaf ear, “Its three, sir”. The mayor stood up, stretched his muscles as though he was getting ready for a kung-fu showdown, and walked past me. “Its time for a little snack”, he said, sounding sarcastic. One of his crazy assistants suddenly pointed at me, which probably meant “Hey, The mayor is talking to you”.

    The mayor left the hall. After about a quarter hour spent with great effort, the assistant peeked out a small window and waved at me. “What?”, I asked. “He wants you to wait right here”, came the reply. I was so annoyed I could have slapped him right away, but thought keeping quiet was a better alternative. I managed to pull my phone out of my sweaty pocket and dialed Red Hot
    Report’s
    chief. After three loud rings, the chief picked up the phone. “The chief is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep”, he mimicked. He usually does this cheap trick to fool people outside the agency. I remained silent. After repeating the same line thrice, he eventually lost patience and asked, “Is it you, Clue?”. I nodded.

  5. Avi Arunon 24 Mar 2009 at 10:28 am

    My next few minutes were spent being shouted at. From his excessively long, rambling speech, one thing seemed certain : He doesn’t want me to leave the area before interviewing the mayor. I cut the call. My mind was blank and pointless. I coudn’t live facing the wall any longer. I couldn’t breathe. Insane thoughts conquered my mind.

  6. Ragged Boyon 24 Mar 2009 at 3:59 pm

    As of now it seems pretty solid. B. Mac is better at reviews than I am, obviously. I’d say my main concern is that I don’t get a good idea of scenery and placement. My impression is that they’re in the mayor’s office, but then the line about the window came and threw me off. I’d recommend adding a few clues as where they are.

  7. B. Macon 26 Mar 2009 at 4:20 pm

    What am I updating here?

  8. Avi Arunon 26 Mar 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Nothing here, but on the ‘review forums’ page. Update the synopsis of this story there beside ‘Avi Arun 2’

  9. B. Macon 27 Mar 2009 at 1:51 am

    Got it.

  10. Ragged Boyon 27 Mar 2009 at 5:41 am

    “I’m mainly working on a lighthearted superhero comedy.”

    The piece you wrote didn’t feel very lighthearted. Particularly lines like this:

    “I coudn’t live facing the wall any longer. I couldn’t breathe. Insane thoughts conquered my mind.”

    This feels pretty dark, usually insanity is downplayed in a lighthearted story to keep if open to the general population.

    What do you think?

  11. Avi Arunon 27 Mar 2009 at 10:46 am

    That’s not actually anything dark. I was just being sarcastic. You can understand it better after I post the complete chapter.

    My approach is basically to give a nice man powers and make him go power hungry. Its all just part of the comedy.

  12. Holliequon 27 Mar 2009 at 1:41 pm

    It may come across differently when you write it, but that does not strike me as something with comedic potential. Also, I wouldn’t recommend using extended sarcasm in a novel except in a context when it would be very obvious. Sarcasm is very hard to read.

    I did think Clue nodding in reply to the chief’s question was pretty funny, though. I’m rather fond of subtle humour like that. (Not very skilled at it myself though, haha.)

  13. Avi Arunon 30 Mar 2009 at 10:26 am

    I am back with an update after 3 long days. I revised my earlier post thanks to your advice. I got a title for my novel and I changed Prologue to Chapter 1 as it was too long. I don’t have time to point out all the changes, but I hope you can figure it out easily.

    ————————————————————————————————————

    Clueless Chronicles

    Chapter 1

    Firemen

    An hour is a long time to wait. Especially for a man who is haunted by sinister thoughts in solitude.

    I sat uncomfortably on the couch I had to share with the mayor’s whole army of henchmen. The mayor made me wait longer than he initially asked me to. He sat right before my eyes, clearly doing nothing fruitful save for watching me wait. Afraid to let my mind wander, I dared myself to do things I should not be doing opposite the mayor. My easiest challenge was to count the strands of hair on his balding head, and my hardest was to figure out how he plans to profit in making me wait an unnecessary hour.

    When the clock finally reached the last second of the hour, a socially weak henchman yelled in the mayor’s deaf ear, “Its three, sir”. The mayor stood up, stretched his muscles, and walked past me. “I think I need a snack”, he said, sounding sarcastic. One of his assistants suddenly pointed at me, which probably meant, “Hey, The mayor is talking to you”. The mayor left the hall.

    After about a quarter hour spent with great effort, the assistant made a sudden appearance and waved at me.

    “What?” I asked.

    “He wants you to wait right here” came the reply.

    I was so annoyed that I could not even slap him right away. I managed to pull my phone out of my sweaty pocket and called Red Hot Report‘s chief. After three loud rings, the chief picked up the phone. “The chief is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep” he mimicked. He enjoys doing this cheap trick to fool intruders and imposters. I remained silent. After repeating the same line thrice, he eventually lost patience and asked, “Is it you, Clue?”. I nodded.

    I spent my next few minutes as the chief yelled at me. From his excessively long, rambling speech, only onr thing seemed certain: He does not want me to leave the mayor’s office before interviewing him. I cut the call. My mind was blank and pointless. I could not breathe. Insane thoughts conquered my mind.

    *****

    My life had been very unpleasant. My dad left my mom when I was just a year old. My mom died in an explosion. A very enigmatic uncle who would not tell me anything about my parents brought me up. Life became more miserable when I discovered I had inhuman abilities.

    I was perspiring. Memories that I hate to recall pierced my temple and made its way into my mind.

    When I was only about five years old, I made holes on the walls with my little fingers. I was never late for school because I ran faster than an athlete did. In college, I knew the answer to a question I never bothered to study, and I was not looking at someone else’s paper. With these extraordinary powers, any other man would have been the happiest man in the world. I was not. I could never depend on my abilities because I could not control them. I was not able to convince anyone I was different because of the same unfortunate reason.

    I felt a cruel heat swallow me up. A severe headache showed me what aggression was. I tried hard to control my thoughts, but in the end, I lost.

    One lucky day, I dared to ask my uncle, “When would you believe me when I say I am a superhero?”

    “When you become a journalist”, he replied.

    Therefore, I became a journalist. Nevertheless, I still regret asking my uncle that dreadful question that changed my life. Life at Red Hot Report was worse than living under a carpet for the rest of your life. There was nothing interesting, obviously nothing adventurous. I either interviewed the mayor about his married life or wrote articles on how ingenious the chief was in teaching chicken English.

    I was groaning with pain without my knowledge. The henchmen gaped at me. My breath was extremely hot.

    “Where is the bathroom?” I asked.

    *****

    I will post the next part positively tomorrow…

  14. Avi Arunon 06 Apr 2009 at 10:26 am

    I think my review forum is not reviewed/visited anymore. So, I planned to update more interactive stuff.

    Today, I’ll post the synopsis of the first 5 chapters of my story. Once you review any logical errors and approve the chapter synopsis, I’ll post the full chapters.

    —————————————————————————————————————–

    Clueless Chronicles

    Chapter 1
    Firemen

    Clue has inhuman abilities but he is unable to control them. His memories reveal that his father left his mother on his first birthday. His mother soon died in an explosion. His uncle raised him but does not tell him anything about his parents. He becomes a journalist for Red Hot Report following his uncle’s words but he does not like his job because there is no adventure. He blows up the mayor’s office [when he was in the bathroom] when he fires up due to frustration. A fireman notices the fired up clue but clue was unable to stop him because he cannot control his powers.

    Chapter 2
    Red and Rose

    The chief fires clue for leaving the mayor’s office early before his interview and not even bringing him any photographs of the fire accident. He taunts Clue by introducing him to the agency’s new journalist, Rose. Outside the agency, Rose apologizes to Clue on behalf of the chief. When Clue asks her why she’s sorry for him, she tells him there is nothing in this world to worry about and that everyone lives for survival over adventure. She did not say anything in front of the chief because she did not want to lose her job.

    Chapter 3
    Anonymous

    Clue goes to his uncle for answers. He asks him for the answer to his powers, his parents and everything that is happening. His uncle does not say a word. In an attempt to stop his uncle, he accidentally shows his uncle his super speed, but his uncle is still not impressed. Before he can ask him anything else, time stops. A hooded figure appears. When the figure notices an unaffected Clue, He makes Clue frozen and immobile. The hooded figure kills his uncle and comes for Clue. Clue uses his super speed to become mobile again, making the figure flee.

    Chapter 4
    Hot Pursuit

    Clue sits in the park wondering about the mysterious things happening around him. He suddenly fires up unintentionally but uses it as his advantage to lure the firemen who witnessed his powers. He sets the empty petrol station on fire. As the petrol station explodes, firemen arrive. He looks for the fireman he wants to find but cannot find him. He leaves home to find policemen waiting. They want to investigate him.

    Chapter 5
    Truth or Dare?

    Clue is taken to the Police Headquarters. Detective Brooc questions Clue about his uncle’s mysterious death. Clue lies that he was away when his uncle was killed and he doesn’t know anything about it. But Brooc shows him two sets of footprints they found on the crime scene, one of them belongs to his uncle and the other belongs to Clue. With no other option, Clue tells the detective everything he saw, but Brooc obviously does not believe him. When the cops are notified of the mysterious explosion at the petrol station, Brooc leaves, leaving Clue locked up in a cell.

  15. B. Macon 06 Apr 2009 at 11:11 am

    From your synopsis: “I’m mainly working on a lighthearted superhero comedy. The story is about a superhero trying to find the origin of his own superpowers.”

    –I don’t like the chapter 1 title, Firemen. I don’t feel like that title gives me enough to want to keep going.

    –The synopsis of chapter 1 does not sound like a comedy, particularly a lighthearted one. His mother died in an explosion, his father abandoned him, he blows up the mayor’s office, etc. Where’s the comedy?

    –I don’t like the title for chapter 2 very much. What is “Red and Rose”? What’s the impression you want a prospective reader to get when he’s scanning through the table of contents?

    –Anonymous is an interesting chapter title…

    –Why is Clue only trying to investigate his superpowers now? Isn’t this the sort of thing that he would have known about for years?

    –“Clue sits in the park wondering about the mysterious things happening around him.” This sounds a lot like musing. My guess is that the story will stall in this chapter.

    –How much do the police know about Clue’s superpowers? I suspect that they know something about his ability to start fires. If so, why would they leave him locked up in a cell? That seems like it would be fairly easy for him to break out of.

    –My main impression is that this story could work as an introspective drama (maybe something like a coming-of-age story), but it does not feel like it has much comedic potential.

    –Why doesn’t the uncle tell his nephew whatever he knew about his parents and his origin? The uncle feels like he’s holding the idiot ball.

  16. Avi Arunon 06 Apr 2009 at 11:48 am

    First of all, Thank you for reviewing my work!

    I have clarified all your queries : –

    (1) The comedy comes through Clue’s narration and the way he handles situations. Since this is only a synopsis, you don’t get the comedy, you get only the plot.

    (2) Clue is only trying to investigate his powers now because nothing mysterious happened all these years [He was an infant when his mother died, so that doesn’t count]. Only when things become worse, people try to find a solution.

    (3) His uncle does not tell Clue anything about his parents because he is unsure of their life and death himself. More on that in later chapters.

    (4) Chapter Title clarifications : –

    Firemen – Its ‘Firemen’, not ‘Fireman’. Firemen refers to Clue, who made the fire and the fireman who came to put down the fire.

    Red and Rose – Red refers to Red Hot Report, from where Clue is fired. Rose refers to the new girl employed as a substitute for Clue.

    (5) The scene involving Clue wondering about the mysteries of his life only occupies a paragraph or two, so it won’t stall the story.

    (6) The Police know nothing about Clue’s powers, absolutely nothing. They don’t believe him even if Clue tells them.

  17. Avi Arunon 06 Apr 2009 at 11:50 am

    any more suggestions?

  18. Holliequon 06 Apr 2009 at 12:50 pm

    (1) How will potential readers know this story is supposed to be funny through the narration by reading the backcover? They’ll probably think it’s dark and depressing. You could probably pass this off as a work of dark humour, but never lighthearted.

    (2) Why have his powers suddenly become worse now?

    (3) I think you should make it clear in the story that Clue’s uncle has told him everything he knows. I think that will make Clue’s investigation more intriguing/dramatic. If he fails at the investigation, readers might think, “oh well, his uncle can fill in the gaps.”

    (4) How will a potential reader looking at the chapters list know this? The titles are made to attract them, not somebody who has already read the book.

    (5) It will probably stall the story for a paragraph or two. That might be okay, though.

    (6) That makes sense.

    I’m also concerned that most of the first chapter will feel like backstory. Also, I think readers will be confused about whether Clue remembers his mother’s death/father leaving them or not. I get the impression that he doesn’t for some reason. Clarification?

  19. B. Macon 06 Apr 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Hmm. A few points about titles. Especially for the first few chapters, the titles have to appeal to prospective readers. The main reason to have chapter-titles is so the table of contents will engage a prospective reader browsing through the book. When a prospect sees “Firemen” and “Red and Rose,” he probably won’t feel that the book is stylish and interesting. I would recommend reworking the titles so that they play better among readers that are completely new to the story. If the titles require explanation, they probably aren’t effective.

    Also, when you pitch a comedy to publishers, it is very important that the publisher get a sense from the synopsis 1) what your sense of humor is like and maybe 2) what kind of comedic situations you tend to work with. For example, I’d say that most of the comedy in Superhero Nation comes from a completely normal accountant that’s trying to deal with a new job and partner that are decidedly wacky. When an editor reviews the story, I hope that he will think something like “we’ve published a few double-act comedies like that before; I have every reason to believe that this could work. Maybe it will be as successful as Rush Hour or Calvin and Hobbes.”

  20. Avi Arunon 07 Apr 2009 at 7:37 am

    @ B. Mac

    Okay, I’ll work on the chapter titles a bit more. I appreciate any suggestions.

    Also, Can you change the genre to Action Comedy and delete the lighthearted part?

    @ Holliequ

    (1) Good Point. I’ll change my genre to Action Comedy and delete the lighthearted part

    (2) His powers don’t become worse. But strange things start to happen around him. eg., A mysterious person, who is also a mutant, kills his uncle. Why now? It has to happen sometime, why not now?

    (3) Clue will learn about his past from another important character. So, I didn’t want his uncle to tell him anything. The character of his uncle will help in the character development of Clue. More on that in a later chapter.

    (4) Okay, I’ll work on the chapter titles a bit more. I appreciate any suggestions.

    (5) I’ll try to make any changes if possible. Thank you for telling me!

    (6) Thanks!

    @ Reviewers

    Do you want me to post chapter synopsis first, so that I can know about the logical errors first? or Do you prefer reviewing the whole chapter instead of bits and pieces?

    Yours Truly

  21. Holliequon 07 Apr 2009 at 4:19 pm

    My concern is that if he’s been doing things like randomly bursting into flame his whole life, it seems a bit odd for him to only try and discover the origin of his powers now.

    I, personally, would rather see a synopsis. It’s easier for me to see logical errors when they’re not part of a chapter.

  22. Avi Arunon 08 Apr 2009 at 1:47 am

    Okay, I’ll post the chapter synopsis first. Thank you, Holliequ!

  23. Stefan the Exploding Manon 08 Apr 2009 at 8:50 am

    Maybe his powers only started going out of control at the beginning of your story? This would solve the problem Holliequ brought up.

  24. Avi Arunon 08 Apr 2009 at 8:53 am

    Thanks there, Stefan. I like it.

  25. B. Macon 08 Apr 2009 at 9:14 am

    “His powers don’t become worse. But strange things start to happen around him. eg., A mysterious person, who is also a mutant, kills his uncle. Why now? It has to happen sometime, why not now?”

    That’s fine if the inciting incident in this book is the mutant killing his uncle. But I think the inciting incident in this book (what sets the story in motion) is actually that he decides to investigate his origins. I think it would be smoother if he decided to investigate his origins because his uncle gets murdered.

  26. Avi Arunon 08 Apr 2009 at 7:05 pm

    Because his uncle gets murdered? That sounds like Spiderman, doesn’t it?

  27. B. Macon 09 Apr 2009 at 2:47 am

    I figure “the uncle gets murdered and the nephew becomes a superhero” is very different from “the uncle gets murdered and the nephew goes on a journey of self-discovery to uncover his origins.” I feel that audiences will be able to appreciate the difference between your story and Spiderman.

    However, if you think that the audience is likely to find one murder of an uncle indistinguishable from another, then I’d recommend either changing the character or writing out the murder.

  28. Avi Arunon 09 Apr 2009 at 7:33 am

    I’ve created a pretty strong plot taking your points into consideration. So, in a nutshell…

    Clue had powers since he was a kid. But he was happy with it even though he can’t control it because he was still normal like the rest of the world. But, in the beginning of the story:

    (1) His powers go out of control.
    (2) He ends up creating chaos all around.
    (3) The cops are after him.
    (4) An anonymous mutant is trying to kill him for reasons unknown.

    After this, Clue learns three points,

    (1) His powers only brought chaos.
    (2) He does not know what to do.
    (3) His only way is to kill his powers.

    His only known contact is his father, who left him long ago…

  29. Avi Arunon 09 Apr 2009 at 7:34 am

    is it solid?

  30. B. Macon 09 Apr 2009 at 8:58 am

    “Clue had powers since he was a kid. He was happy with it even though he can’t control it because he was still normal like the rest of the world. But, in the beginning of the story,

    (1) His powers go out of control.
    (2) He ends up creating chaos.

    I’m a bit confused. When do his powers first start to go out of control? “He was happy with it even though he can’t control it” suggests that he lacked control as a kid. However, you say that his powers go out of control as item 1.

    I’d recommend a minor tweak. As a kid, he has full control over a few minor powers but never really does much with them. He knows he’s a bit special, but his powers are almost insignificant and he hardly notices them. The inciting event of the story is that his powers suddenly get much, much more powerful and he struggles to control them. His failure to control his powers brings him into conflict with the police and an anonymous mutant.

    In general, I’d say that your story sounds like it could be really effective. I’m kind of intrigued to see which circumstances lead him to seek out his father, and what he finds there. The angle of the mysterious assassin is intriguing. However, my impression is that it will work much better as a thriller than as a comedy. Nothing here makes me think “this will make me laugh.” But quite a bit of it makes me suspect that I might be on the edge of my seat or pressing to get to the bottom of the mystery.

  31. Avi Arunon 09 Apr 2009 at 9:42 am

    @ B. Mac

    * I’ll change my plot according to your suggestion in para 2 of your post. Thank you, It was very helpful! Thank you for all your appreciations!

    * Can you please change the genre to ‘Supernatural’? Also, Please delete references to ‘light-hearted’

  32. Avi Arunon 09 Apr 2009 at 10:05 am

    I got a few concepts for my story. Please review and rate them…

    Concepts fresh out of the oven

    * Clue is curious to know about everything, but does not care about anything or anyone much. He later learns that this is a common attitude among all mutants.

    * How about the names ‘The Stalker’ or ‘The Assassin’ or ‘The Sniper’ for the anonymous assassin (Antagonist)?

    * Here are some of the proper nouns I framed.

    Common Name – Proper Name

    Mutants – Survivors

    Natural Mutants – Operators

    Government – The Council

    That’s all I got for now. Please rate them!

  33. B. Macon 09 Apr 2009 at 10:14 am

    I’m not really fond of “The [Noun]” for a name. However, I think that just calling him Stalker might be effective.

    “Clue is curious to know about everything, but does not care about anything or anyone much. He later learns that this is a common attitude among all mutants.” What do you mean he does not care about anything?

    I like “survivors” for mutants. I’m not sure what a natural mutant is, or why they would be operators as opposed to survivors, though. The Council works well.

  34. Avi Arunon 09 Apr 2009 at 11:01 am

    Let me make things crystal clear…

    Speaking of attitude, Clue (or any other survivor) does not give much importance to anything but is curious to know things. Much like Dr. Manhattan of Watchmen who doesn’t care for humans.

    For eg.,

    Someone – There is a bomb in this building!
    Clue – Why bother ?! By the way, do you know where the bomb is exactly?

    Well, Natural mutants/Operators are mutants born with power. eg., Superman. They do not age once they realize their true potential. Their blood can heal anyone.

    Survivors, on the other hand, are mutated after birth. eg., Spider-man, Clue.. They have a particular type of cancer (The Bliss Effect) which is incurable unless they are injected with an Operator‘s blood or they lose their powers completely.

    Anything else?

    P.S – I would like suggestions for names for the antagonist. Something associated with death and/or murder.

    Yours Truly

  35. Avi Arunon 10 Apr 2009 at 6:27 am

    Any other suggestions?

  36. Ragged Boyon 10 Apr 2009 at 6:39 am

    I don’t know about you, but for your story I’m feeling an extravagant name for your villain. But that’s just me.

    I can’t come up with anything, but what do you think?

  37. Avi Arunon 10 Apr 2009 at 8:31 am

    Clue does not come in direct contact with the villain until the climax. So, I only need a name by which the public know him as.

    B. Mac, I think I made it clear in my earlier post about the attitude of Clue and the Natural mutants. I’ve also introduced a new proper noun [The Bliss Effect]. Kindly tell me if everything is right or not.

  38. B. Macon 10 Apr 2009 at 10:04 am

    “Someone: There is a bomb in this building!
    Clue: Why bother? By the way, do you know where the bomb is, exactly?”

    This doesn’t feel right to me. These two emotions (helplessness and curiosity) seem very inconsistent with each other here. If he doesn’t care enough to bother, why would he care where the bomb is?

    More generally, I think it would really help to come up with a reason that he is curious (cares about information enough to seek it out) even though he doesn’t care about other people. Most of the explanations I can think of for curiosity tie back to an interest in other people. For example, a scientist might pursue medical advances because he wants to cure people and a gossip might push for information because she cares about getting interesting information about other people. So why would someone be curious if he didn’t care about other people? Perhaps he’s really concerned about self-preservation or self-improvement.

  39. Tomon 10 Apr 2009 at 10:12 am

    I’d imagine this would feel smoother:

    Someone: There’s a bomb in the building!
    Clue: Really? Cool, I guess. Where is it.
    Someone: In the basement! Help us!
    Clue: Meh.

  40. Avi Arunon 10 Apr 2009 at 10:24 am

    Clue is curious to know about everything but he believes he can’t do anything to change the world. According to him, The world is best when left as it is. How about that?

    Also, Tom gave a perfect example to explain this. Thanks, Tom!

  41. Avi Arunon 10 Apr 2009 at 11:55 pm

    or How about this?

    Clue has more concern for himself than for others.

  42. Ragged Boyon 11 Apr 2009 at 5:40 am

    That could work. It might also make him hard to like. Be wary.

  43. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 5:57 am

    I’d recommend making him show concern for other people, but often put himself first. It would become a highly unlikeable trait if he does it all the time. Unless it’s played for laughs, of course. In Red Dwarf there is a very vain character called Cat who is also highly insensitive:

    Cat: We ain’t gonna find ’em. They’re gone, buddy. But look on the bright side — they’re gone, buddy!

    Cat: I’m so hungry. I have to eat!
    (Rimmer and Lister are up on the deck of the ship. Rimmer looks really upset.)
    Lister: Shh… Rimmer’s dad’s died.
    Cat: I’d prefer chicken.

  44. Tomon 11 Apr 2009 at 6:26 am

    Red Dwarf? loooool! I assume you know they showed a NEW episode last night.

  45. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 6:31 am

    Red Dwarf is one of my all time favourites.

    A new episode? Aw, damn! That means I’ll have to wait ages to see it. I recall once we were going to get a Doctor Who Christmas special, but it was only broadcast in Australia in March!

  46. Tomon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:05 am

    March? Damn. The episode was the first of three parts, second part is tonight, third is tomorrow. If it goes well they might bring the series back!

  47. The ReTARDISed Whovianon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:16 am

    The one we got late in Australia was the one when the Tenth Doctor first appeared. We tend to get everything late here. It sucks, because it means I have to avoid looking my favourite shows up on Wikipedia because of spoilers. 🙁

  48. Avi Arunon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:16 am

    I got a perfect conversation to explain Clue‘s attitude : –

    Conversation between Clue and People from Superhero Nation [Just for an example]

    Ragged Boy – There’s a bomb in the mall!
    Clue – Oh Cool! Where is it?
    Stefan the Exploding Man – In the basement.
    Clue – Damn, I haven’t even finished shopping yet.
    Holliequ – Aren’t you gonna save us?
    Clue – Who’s gonna save me?
    The ReTARDISed Whovian – Call the Bomb Squad!!!
    Clue – Good idea! [dials 911]

    [TRING…..TRING]

    B. Mac – Hello!
    Clue – There’s a bomb in the basement of the City Mall. Send your men immediately!
    B. Mac – Right away! Thank you for informing.
    Clue – Don’t mention it! Send me a reward to 35, 1st Lane.

    [Cuts the call]

    Clue – Now, you guys stay right here. The Bomb squad is coming. Let me find a way to escape…

    ———————————————————————————————————————————————————–

    In the above conversation, Clue is curious to know where the bomb is, but he wants to save himself first before saving others. But he cares enough to call the Bomb Squad, but tries to escape soon to save his own life.

    [This is just an example sequence and does not take part in my story]

    So, Is his attitude good now??

  49. Avi Arunon 11 Apr 2009 at 11:06 am

    Have I offended anyone? I just wanted to make it more relatable so that you can understand Clue‘s attitude more easily.

  50. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 11:18 am

    Nah, you’re fine. There’s nothing there that is remotely offensive.

    Besides, I would hope that the people here are hard to offend… if you’re serious about writing, you really need a thick skin.

  51. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 11:23 am

    Also. I’ve cleaned out your first review forum. If you’d like to use it for something else, please feel free.

    However, if I could offer a bit of unsolicited writing advice, I’d recommend finishing one project before moving on to the next. My main regret is that I hardly ever finish my projects.

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