Mar 10 2009

Wade’s Review Forum

Published by at 1:22 pm under Review Forums

See the comments below.

27 responses so far

27 Responses to “Wade’s Review Forum”

  1. Wadeon 17 Mar 2009 at 1:53 pm

    my story is about five teenagers that develop certain ablities theres no superheroes in society the teenagers get there powers from a deranged superhuman that has the power to grant people powers.

    Theres also a organization that does work involves superhumans tracking them experimenting on them etc etc

    also theres a group of religious zealots that think that superhumans are demons from hell and its their divine purpose to kill every superhuman there can find

    theres also a superhuman with the power to see the future that as been put in an asylum he has visions of a superhuman becoming a superpowered villain who will in the not to distant future bring about doomsday

    i know theres a lot but its all of my ideas any please give me some feedback good or bad its all good

  2. Holliequon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:10 pm

    If superheroes don’t exist (thus I assume most people don’t know about superhumans), then how do the religious zealots know about them?

  3. Tomon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:19 pm

    *brain expodes*

    Wow, there’s a lot of ideas. All good, just… a lot to take in at once.

    One problem, if there are no superhumans, why is there an organisation to experiment on them? It’s like a Mutant Response Department with no mutants to respond to.

    I liked the zealots thing, you know an idea’s good when you think, ‘damn, why didn’t I think of that?’ 😀

  4. Ragged Boyon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:21 pm

    There’s a difference between a superhero and a superhuman. A superhero usually takes on an alter ego when using their powers or generally uses their abilities to openly help people in some manner. A superhuman is just a person with superpowers that is still just a regular person. For example, Batman is a superhero, but not a superhuman.

    I can understand that religous people would think that they are demons. I can also understand that religous people (and people in general) would know about them as I’m sure that sme would openly use their powers. Do you want you society to know about superhumans? Or just the zealots?

    Wade, you slightly contradicted yourself though, in Writing Strong Introductions, you said “heroes,” that word with the fact that they have powers implies that there are superheroes in your stories society. I suspect you meant superhumans.

  5. Ragged Boyon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Tom, I got to your comment late.

    He meant that there aren’t superheroes, but there are superhumans.

  6. Tomon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:32 pm

    Oh, I see. So there’s plenty of superhumans who the aforementioned organisation tracks and whatnot, but no superheroes.

    Kinda like Heroes, only… wait, it’s exactly like Heroes.

    Although I’ll say it again, the religious zealots thing was a nice idea.

  7. Tomon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:35 pm

    Oh, I just remembered. When Pokemon came out, the Church criticised it a lot. According to Wikipedia, ‘Christian concerns over Pokémon have primarily addressed perceived occultic and violent themes’. Make of that what you will.

  8. Dr Eagle Gon 17 Mar 2009 at 4:16 pm

    Yup, definitely loving the zealots idea, I reckon that’s a strong enough idea to turn into a story by itself, even from the perspective of a zealot.

  9. Wadeon 17 Mar 2009 at 4:18 pm

    no socieity doesn’t know about them only the zealots and the organization the organization is similar to heroes but very different its more of way to turn superhumans into superweapons

    if you guys have any other points you think i need to adress please tell me

  10. Marissaon 17 Mar 2009 at 4:36 pm

    Be careful, though, with the zealots, that you make them realistic and not overdramatic. As soon as religion is involved, most authors tend to immediately exaggerate things. It could take a perfectly good story and make it ridiculous.

  11. B. Macon 17 Mar 2009 at 4:42 pm

    I agree, Marissa. I think the X-Men cartoons suffered because they took the religious villains too far over-the-top. This was especially problematic because the religion in question was a real one. In contrast, the typical religious-themed supervillain just has his own cult that doesn’t actually exist in real life.

  12. Holliequon 17 Mar 2009 at 4:53 pm

    How would the zealots know, but not the general public? In all likelihood most of the zealots are average people – just really strongly, uh, opinionated.

  13. Ragged Boyon 17 Mar 2009 at 5:27 pm

    The zealots vs. “demons” relationship reminds me of The Teen Titans comic series. Kid Crusader (a heavily religous god-warrior) is pitted against Kid Devil (A hot tempered mutant).

    I suspect this is such a small event that no one will think of it, just thought I’d share.

  14. Wadeon 18 Mar 2009 at 1:40 pm

    I was thinking of making the zealots a bit like the paladins in Jumper. I don’t know how they find out about the superhumans. I know I have a lot of holes to fill in my story.

  15. Marissaon 18 Mar 2009 at 1:54 pm

    Ah, so they’re more of a secret/specialized group? That’s a lot easier to explain how they know but normal people don’t.

  16. Wadeon 18 Mar 2009 at 4:52 pm

    well my five mc are teenagers not settled on their origin story let now like i said before another story arc is the comming of a superpowered villain who would powerful enough to destroy the world. now out of my characters i hae chosen the most unlikly candidate as the destined super villian Will

    Will is the optimistict self confident carefree character out of all of my characters he starts as the less darky character. i also had an idea of making Will’s friend Dan the manuplating arrogant charmer as being the hero meant to stop him their say that the Villain is always the exact opposite of the hero tell me what you think

  17. Marissaon 18 Mar 2009 at 8:09 pm

    I’m not sure what you meant by having him say the villain is the exact opposite of the hero. Isn’t that a sort of given?

    Otherwise, I like that you’re going out of the ordinary, on personalities. Usually, the happy and carefree one is the hero, but Will is your villain, and somehow the manipulative and arrogant one is the hero.

    Some things to think about…

    If the optimistic, self-confident, carefree Will is the villain, what is his motive? Those traits don’t fit well with mean/villainous, so the odds are, he doesn’t see what he’s doing as villainous.

    I’m going to use Dforce’s story as an example, since I just praised him for it earlier: One of his characters is fighting against big corporations, fighting for the little people and businesses who get overwhelmed/pushed out by bigger ones. This character blows up bigger corporations, or something along those lines, to stick up for the aforementioned ‘little people’. Now, the OTHER character, his best friend was caught in an explosion, and now he’s mad that this “criminal” is going around blowing things up and that the “criminal” hurt his best friend, so he’s going after the first character.

    As you can see, the first character is doing good in his eyes, and so is the second. That’s just an example, but kind of what I think would be very relevant to your Will character. Do you see what I mean?

    On the other side of things, Dan is manipulative and arrogant, but the hero. Why are we gonna cheer for him? It’s a great thing, that you’re choosing a guy like this, but it’s going to be a real project trying to redeem him enough for the readers not to cheer for Will.

    Just a few thoughts.

  18. Wadeon 19 Mar 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Dan’s powers will be telepathy and psychometry. At first, he likes his powers as he uses them to find out stuff about people, but then he loses control. In one chapter, he hears all the negative thoughts of people he cares about. This makes him rethink his actions.

    Dan is a dark hero, always struggling with his dark side.

  19. Holliequon 19 Mar 2009 at 12:57 pm

    There’s nothing wrong with a dark hero, but we need to have some reason to like him before he reforms. Quite often, a badass or sarcastic character can be likable simply because they’re competent/humourous.

  20. Wadeon 19 Mar 2009 at 1:02 pm

    well dans not going being the streotypical dum jock or rebel character is a smart confident boy who does some shady things because his bored with how perfect his live is his going to have some good fatcors like how his going to look out for Will he will have some funny moments

  21. Holliequon 19 Mar 2009 at 1:17 pm

    Hmm. Okay, I thing he should be okay. It’ll be easier to tell when we see the writing.

    . . . Of course I’m probably not the best person to ask about this anyway, because I always like the arrogant characters in novels. Not sure why. XP

  22. Wadeon 20 Mar 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Heres a draft of my opening page the story is based in a week and these suppose to be the end the story however consist on what happened leading up to these events if that makes sense

    It was a cold British Friday night the stars were hidden in clouds only the white moon could be seen the street was packed with police, doctors and people who had been intrigued by the scene.
    Out of a black van came two people the first was a man with should length black hair black shades wearing a black jacket with a red top. The second was nearly twice the height of the first he was a bald dark skinned man wearing black combat gear. PC Clark sighed to himself that’s all I need a couple of fruit bags he thought the first man came right up close to PC Clark and stopped standing motionless still.
    ‘sorry sir no one past the tape this is an official police investigation’ I think that’s the first time I have ever said that thought PC Clark. The man laughed as if the very idea that the police where doing an investigation was hilarious the big man took something from his pocket and showed it to PC Clark it was a badge. ‘We are agents from S.W.P we can go in trust me’ the big man voice sounded dark and thunderous before PC Clark could say something the shorter man had already entered the house surrounded by police tape he was then followed by the big man. PC Clark knew he should of gone after them but he was scared this entire week had been missed up he thought.
    Red looked around the house or to be correct what remained of the house police and forensic were scouring around like insects seemly not noticing the black clad strangers. ‘Come and look at these Red’ Red turned to where Tom’s had come from and walked in into what must have been the living room. Red looked around what type of super are we dealing with here he thought the walls had scorched marks up them. ‘So what are do think we are dealing with here’ said Red while examine the rest of the room he spotted what seemed to be a remains of a coffee table and a cabinet but was now just some burned wood. Tom looked around for a tall big man he moved very quietly and fluently which surprised Red even know after six years of working together. ‘Well apparently this entire street had power cut probably just before all these happened the reports claim that the electricity was just drained out’ Red nodded he had long given up how Tom knew these facts. Red walked into the kitchen where the damage was worse the back wall was gone the walls where black but what really got Red’s attention as the two bodies on the floor or what was left of the bodies. Red knew these was bad and instinctively put his hand on his hidden pistol the high ups always said that if you came across a super that was very dangerous you called in for backup.
    ‘Red take a look at this’ Red turned a walked to where Tom had meant burnt into opposite wall of the kitchen was a message.

    This is the Thompson’s tome
    For Will is now Doom
    There is no need to fear
    for Doomsday is here

    ‘I want everything on the Thompson’s send in for back up these is bad very bad I want the location of the other four supers ok’ said Red with a cold shiver running down his spin, Tom nodded and begun to make the calls. Red walked out of the house to get some air Joseph was right his visions were right these is happen Red’s cell phone rang Red answered before seeing who it was.
    Hunters voice sounded down the phone ‘you at the house now aren’t you I told you there where dangerous there not natural it’s an abomination to the sanctity of life’ Red felt his heart skip beat ‘where are hunter don’t do anything stupid I have men on the way these is now a code red situation’ Red could tell that Hunter was running ‘at the power plant in pursuit of the boy screw code red me and my brethren will end these tonight they are already taking care of the others’. Red shouted down the phone but the Hunter was not listening instead Red heard someone shout at the Hunter ‘leave me alone’ they was a mumbled response ‘I am not a monster’ another jumbled response ‘it was an accident’ Red knew he had heard that voice these week ‘die monster’ that was the Hunters voice the next thing Red heard was the unmistakable sound of crackling the same type you get with fire or electricity, these was followed by a scream of pain then the phone cut out. Red turned to see Tom rushing out of the house ‘what’s happened’ Red looked up at Tom ‘we have to get to the power plant now’.

  23. Ragged Boyon 20 Mar 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Here are some general thoughts I have:

    -Spelling, grammar, and capitalization issues are very glaring. I suggest you find a trusted friend to proofread your work.

    -The piece lacked clarity, I found some parts very difficult to follow. The first instance being that I didn’t understand who was who.

    -Some of the details are unnecessary. For example, the description of the all black outfit (jacket and shades) would have easily worked as “dressed in all black.”

    – Some of the details were too passive. For example, when I hear “cold british friday night” I don’t get much imagery, besides it being night (and maybe Big Ben).

    -I didn’t really learn much about the character’s personality. All I know about Red is that he’s pretty experienced at his job.

    -Essentially, this scene establishes what I think your goal is. However, the execution needs vast improvement. So parts were exceedingling difficult to follow, while others were too hasty.

  24. Wadeon 21 Mar 2009 at 11:46 am

    i know that these needs so much more work but thanks RB on giving me points to work on

  25. Wadeon 30 Mar 2009 at 1:07 pm

    ok i’ve been thinking of more story and i haave changed things around a bit my characters are still the same but i ve been thinking of there origin stories abit these is what ive got so far tell me what you think

    well first of all Emma’s father Alexander Queen is going to be a ceo of a Queen industries during the story it is discovered that he is collecting a large amount of virus’s that is trying to create a super vacine for however after he completes the formular Alexander kills the scientist on it before testing the vaccine on his daughter Emma which gives her the powers of immunity to all forms of dieses and virus’s as well as making her skin impentrable.

    Jake is going to be a mutant but his powers we not kick in until a bit later he has the powers of enchanced senses enchanced refexes and claws [not like wovelerine] his claws will be black and come from his finger nails

    Stacy ive thought about it and i decided to make her a hero without powers her origin story is going to be pretty dark. Stacy we be at a Emma when some boys she is talking to will drug her drink. then it wouls skip to the next with stacy no being able to remember what happened to her but she will get a pretty good ideal after seeing what condition she is i won’t go into to much detail though it we be a little while later but stacy soon becomes consumed with hate and revebge she will then track down the boys who did it to her and punish them not killing them but hurting them an getting them arested she soon becomes a litle insane with her dramatic experience and her new violent nature but eventaully she s able to come to terms withthing thanks to Dan

    Dan and Will are really important to the story Dan start off as the charming confident guy with an terrible darker side to him he is destined to be the worlds greastest hero while the nice carefree Will is destined to be the most powerful villain of all. Dan’s power will come from an Accident when he is caught up in a fight between two Superhumans he will developed Telepathic powers maybe other psychic powers

    Will’s origin story is similar to Emma’s Will lives with his mother and step father he has know ideal who he’s father is it is later revealed that Will’s father was a supervillain who was imprisioned for years however when his other son [will’s step brother] breakes him out wills biological father becomes determined to use his ‘Doomsday machine’ against the world but for some reason he needs will he kidnaps will revealing that he iis wills father and that will be responseble for ‘Doomsday’ the machine is then revealed to be a machine that gives people powers Will power is electrical this allows him to boost both his speed and strength to heightend levels

    please can anyone give me some feedback

  26. Holliequon 30 Mar 2009 at 1:21 pm

    I’m not feeling Will’s origin story. It makes him feel a bit chosen one-ish (though admittedly, chosen one for bad). I think making his father a supervillain makes Will becoming a villain himself slightly cheesy. I also think Dan’s origin story is a bit contrived.

    Stacey’s origin story is very dark, which may or may not work for the story you had in mind.

    Alexander testing on his daughter seems a bit sudden. Even if he is a terrible person, I think he’d have SOME sort of parental feelings towards his daughter.

    Hmm. At the moment, this is a very jumbled mix of origins. It’s a lot to remember and doesn’t link the characters well. I would recommend keeping the origin story the same, with perhaps one exception for a very important character.

  27. Sandmanon 05 Jun 2009 at 5:34 am

    I have to agree with Ragged Boy; improving your grammar and spelling would really help. Your piece was alright, if a bit vague (who are the SWP?). But the mistakes in spelling and grammar made it difficult to read, and I can’t see many readers or publishers accepting 300 pages of this. Your story itself isn’t bad, but it will help you to get a friend or teacher to look over it.

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