–”This was where she had been headed to her whole life, and there was no turning back.”

–I feel like this opening passage might make more sense if you started the story earlier. Maybe show some of the leadup building up to this (“where she had been headed to her whole life”)? That would probably also help you get rid of the backstory. Getting lost in backstory this early is perilous.

Okay, I’ll remove some of the backstory.

–I think you could show more and tell less. Like her face being solemn. Could you show that with a visual detail or two?

–I don’t normally care too much about realism, but I think it’s fairly well-known that swimming isn’t a mixed-gender sport. Changing Frederick to a woman probably isn’t on the table if the two characters are supposed to be exes, but maybe you could change the sport to something where men would plausibly be matched up against women? (IE: something where upper body strength isn’t critical, like a racing sport or chess).

Yeah, I guess I completely dropped the ball on that one xP Swimming just felt so natural for the Natalie I developed in mine. I could change some details about Frederick being her opponent, to being the brother of another swimmer or something…

–”The winner gets to represent our state in the national competition.” … “I didn’t want to go to Brazil anyway.” Hmm. Why would a national competition be held in another country? (They’re not from Brazil, are they?)

–”You know why the prize money was important to me.” If the money is important, you might mention that sooner. (Or at least allude to why she needs the money?)

–The conversation between Fred and Natalie has the characters speak for sometimes paragraphs at a time. In a tense standoff like this, I think that it would improve the pacing if the characters spoke 1-2, maybe 3, sentences at a time rather than (say) 8.
- so like more of a banter, then?
–Who’s Richard? He just seems to appear out of nowhere. When Natalie storms off, where does she go?

–This life advice from Richard seems to come out of nowhere. It would help if it’s based more on something we’ve seen about the character. For example, there hasn’t been any indication that she’s living off of an inheritance or reckless/irresponsible/chasing wild dreams. To the contrary, her explanation that she was swimming for the money to help her sister made it sound like she WAS being responsible.
- I was trying to make it sound like she’s justifying her swimming as helping her sister, even though she knows she’s doing it for the fun, and isn’t doing it just to help her sister, that’s just a bonus.
–”Your inheritance is running dry.” Hmm. I feel like this line feels unbelievable from this character. How would he know what her financial situation is like– what is he, her accountant? It might help if she suggested that the money was running out and then he could build on that himself. [NOTE: later on, it becomes clear that he's her boyfriend, so maybe he knows her well enough to know what her financial situation is like. However, there's little indication that they are particularly close when they're talking.]
- they don’t sound close? Well I’ll need to rectify that. Maybe make them flirt at first before diving in to all these problems?
–”There’s no need to lie to me, or yourself.” This sounds like something out of a soap opera. I don’t think this line is plausible for someone I imagine to be a teenager or maybe a twenty-something.

–”You don’t need to repress your pain all the time.” Okay, this sounds like something from a psychotherapist. Again, it doesn’t feel believable.
- Okay, I’ll omit those lines :p
–If Natalie loses her fight to Fred and goes to the tournament anyway, I think that you’d be letting her off the hook for losing. I wouldn’t recommend having a fight unless losing actually means something. (I doubt she’ll have all that much trouble coming up with $1000, especially if the coach is offering to help). This article may help: I wouldn’t recommend having the characters lose without having something bad come of it.
- I wanted to make it a setback. As in, she was going to have to choose her dreams over her sister/university. She had to lose the original contest so that she would have been forced to make a decision. I wasn’t sure how high to set the entrance fee, so I just set it at a standard $1000 until I did some research. I’m going to have to change that. Also, Natalie’s too proud to accept the coach’s money, which I was going to include later in future chapters.
–”If you win, I’ll have the honor of coaching the winner of an international competition.” Ah. Earlier it was referred to as just a national competition, which didn’t seem to make sense to me.

–There are a lot of minor comma issues. Please let me know if you’d be interested in having me proofread it before you submit to publishers.

–”‘Are you crazy? You want to waste your university money on a gamble that you might win the competition?” If you’re submitting to publishers in the US or Western Europe, I think that some clarification might be in order. $1000 one way or the other will probably not affect her ability to go to college. (By a measure of contrast, four years of tuition and housing at Notre Dame costs about $200,000). Is risking $1000 going to affect her ability to go to college?
-Yea, I’ll rectify that ASAP

Natalie held her breath, preparing to jump off the edge. The sun burned down upon her glistening, wet, neck. Drops of water trickled down her black hair into her grey eyes, and she wiped them off her solemn face. This was where she had been headed to her whole life, and there was no turning back. Nothing she’d ever done before could measure up to this decision. This was it. The total and complete end to the dry existence she had to slog through day after day, job after job, interview after interview, breath after breath. She could stop breathing. She could break free… finally. This was the moment of truth. She jumped into the crashing waves from a thousand feet, allowing the adrenaline to rush over her, filling her up with apprehension and excitement.

‘1…2…3… GO!’ shouted her coach, and her legs were the propellers of a motorboat, pushing her forward. This was a battle between her and Freddie. And she was determined to win. The stakes were high, the battlefield was set. Aim for the prize, aim for the world. She came up to breathe, and went down again quickly, nearing ever closer to the other side. She was at home in the water and at war with the water. She was dancing in the water, and kicking and pushing the water. The Sun was bright, showing her the path; the Sun was burning her. The water was cool, relaxing her; the water was standing between her and victory. It was so close now… the end was almost in sight…

She touched the other side of the pool, and jumped up. The 100m freestyle race was complete. She was either going to embark on a journey to the other side of the country, or she was going to be humiliated. The world was going to be her playground or her prison. It was all up to this.

‘Okay people, gather here. The winner, by a very close call is Fredrick, and the runner-up is Natalie. But don’t be disappointed if you didn’t win, this was a very good race. Now, go and take a breather, I’m going to talk to the two lucky ones here. Freddie, Natalie, come with me,’ said Coach Rodriguez, shaking Freddie’s hand enthusiastically.

Freddie turned his head to Natalie and his thin lips curled up distastefully, and his pale brown eyes sparkled with glee and madness. Natalie turned her head away, refusing to give in to the little voice in her head that intensely desired to shove him to the other side of the pool. She quickly moved aside the dripping hair that clung to her skin, and shivered slightly.

‘You two performed outstandingly today. As you both know, the winner gets to represent our state in the national competition. Natalie, I’m sorry, I know you’ve worked hard enough for your bones to give way, but this is just the way it is. I’d love to send you along with Freddie, but rules are rules,’ said Coach Rodriguez somberly.

‘There’s no need to console Natalie, Coach. The best swimmer won. And she respects that. At least allow her to lose gracefully,’ said Freddie.

‘He’s right. There’s no use whining about it now is there? There’ll be more competitions for me to sign up for. I didn’t want to go to Brazil anyway,’ said Natalie, trying to keep up a cheerful demeanor.

‘Well, if anything pops up, I’ll inform you, okay? I know how important this is,’ Coach Rodriguez said, hugging Natalie consolingly, proceeding to talk to Freddie privately. Natalie glared at Freddie, and dived into the pool once again to practice the breaststroke.

The anger that polluted her seemed to be released with every kick, yet each kick only served to infuriate her more. After ten laps, she gingerly plodded to the bench where she left her bag, trying not to fall on the slippery tiles. She pulled off her pinching goggles, and rubbed her sore eyelids. She let the burning sun dry off her wrinkly fingertips and toes, moaning in exhaustion. She grabbed a drink from the bag and allowed the cool liquid to slide down her throat.

‘I told you I would win,’ Freddie said exuberantly, sitting next to her.

‘Go away. You know why the prize money was important to me,’ said Natalie refusing to look at him.

‘And you know why I had to win. If I lost to you, Belinda’s going to have to admit that her perfect boyfriend can lose, and to lose to you would be the ultimate insult to her. I have to fulfill her expectations, or else my potential career in her father’s company could be ruined,’ said Freddie, his brown, wet, hair flopping over his black eyes.

‘You don’t need to explain yourself to me. You already showed me who you are when you placed your career over Sharon. Especially since you know what happened to her. You’re disgusting,’ she replied, giving him a glare that would have killed plants 30 miles away, before facing the other direction.

‘Well, it’s a competition. If you really wanted to win, you would have. I shouldn’t have had to allow you to walk over me. Even if I let you win, so what? That wouldn’t prove anything other than the fact that you can only win by cheating. You don’t want to help your sister. I know you. You joined this competition because you wanted an excuse to leave her. I know you better than anyone else. You’re right. I don’t need to explain myself. You need to explain yourself,’ he said, standing up and walking away, when she grabbed him.

‘Hold it right there. You’ve insulted me enough. Why don’t you look in the mirror yourself? You broke up with me just because Belinda bribed you with a luxurious job, and you’ve been her dog since then, waiting on her hand and foot. At least I still have my dignity. I’m not a gold digger. I’m dealing with so much, and you have the nerve to say that I didn’t win because I don’t care about Sharon? I don’t know what I saw in you, you self-centered twit,’ Natalie spat angrily, throwing her drink on his face, storming off.

‘Please don’t tell me you confronted him,’ said Richard. He paced Natalie’s room back and forth, adjusting his glasses.

‘But he was being so rude. You would have done the same you know. You should have heard the hypocrite. Don’t you just wish that Superman would just fly in and kick his ass?’ Natalie said, miming a punch.

‘Well he’s not real, so there might be a flaw in that hope,’ commented Richard dryly, a thin smile dancing around the edges of his face.

‘You are such a killjoy. So how’s your story about leotards in today’s world coming along?’ she said, her eyes roving his body playfully.

‘You know I don’t want talk about that,’ he said, glowering at her.

‘Aww come on. The Fashionable Eye isn’t trashy. I happen to enjoy it greatly. You should be happy they hired you,’ she said, laughing heartily.

‘Being the only magazine that hires students straight out of high school just proves how trashy they are!’ he said, groaning.

‘Or maybe the girls there just like a redheaded nerd. I know I do,’ Natalie said, winking, and stepped closer to him.

‘Is that true?’ he said bemusedly, moving in for a kiss, but she quickly raised her hand to his lips.

‘No, no we’ll have none of that. Don’t want my hamsters to get ideas now,’ she said, as he rolled his eyes. She laughed loudly, shaking her head in amusement.

‘So what are your plans now?’ he asked, hoping that she had some idea of what she planned to do next.

‘I’m not sure, actually. Maybe I could join The Fashionable Eye with you. Misery loves company!’ she said, forcing a laugh.

‘I’m serious Natalie. You have to start looking for a job seriously. Your inheritance is running dry. It’s time to stop fooling around with foolhardy gambles like that competition!’

‘But as you said, nobody would hire someone off the streets whose highest education is high school. I could go to university, my parents have some money stored away for that, but I’d only be able to work part-time anyway, and that wouldn’t be enough to support Sharon,’ she said, falling back on her bed.

‘Natalie. You can tell me the truth. There’s no need to lie to me, or yourself. If you don’t like to work, it’s okay. It’s normal. After what you’ve been through, I wouldn’t be able to work too. And I know how hard you’re trying. You’re always laughing and smiling. You don’t need to repress your pain all the time,’ he said softly, lying down next to her and stroking her hair.

‘I’m not repressing, it’s just so hard sometimes. You expect me to cry, Coach expects me to cry, but the tears aren’t there. They don–’

Her voice was interrupted by the doorbell ringing loudly. She quickly stood up, hastily flattened out her clothes, wiped her face, and ran out of the room. She unlatched the apartment’s door hurriedly, and saw the tan coach standing there.

‘Hey!’ said Coach Rodriguez, walking into the apartment without waiting for an invitation.

‘Hey Coach. You look so different wearing a tracksuit, instead of your swimwear. I thought that was all you had!’ she said, laughing.

‘Do you prefer me in my swimwear?’ replied Coach Rodriguez, raising her left eyebrow suggestively.

‘Um, no it’s fine, really. So what did you want to talk about?’ said Natalie, fidgeting slightly.

‘Well, I called up some of my sources, and winning the race earlier was not the only way to enter the qualifying rounds of the competition. Of course, you can’t be sponsored by the State. You can still enter the qualifying rounds as an independent athlete. I’m not saying you’ll win, but you could give it a tryo. If you want, you could catch a plane to Rio de Janeiro by next month to sign up,’ she said, smiling benevolently at Natalie. Natalie looked at her curiously, and a shaky smile began to grow on her face, before it abruptly vanished.

‘Is there an entry fee?’ she asked, a pained look upon her round face.

‘Yeah, about a thousand dollars,’ said Coach Rodriguez sympathetically.

‘Do you need help? I know about your sister, so if there’s anything I could do to help you, just ask me,’ she added, squeezing Natalie’s shoulder gently.

‘It’s okay. I’m sure I could scrap up some money for this competition. Besides, with you already giving me free training, I wouldn’t want to rob you even more,’ said Natalie, giggling, and patting her coach’s hand.

‘Now hold on a moment. There’s no need for you to stress yourself out. You have enormous potential, and I would not want you to waste it because you don’t want to borrow money from me. If you win, I’ll have the honor of coaching the winner of an international competition. So go to Brazil, and win that competition for me,’ Coach Rodriguez said, looking her firmly in the eye.

‘Alright Coach. I have enough money for a trip to Brazil. I’ll call you if I need help, but I really doubt I will,’ she replied with an air of confidence.

‘Well, then I’ll be making my move. Once you reach Brazil, remember to call me!’ said Coach Rodriguez, shaking Natalie’s hand forcefully, exiting the front door. Natalie let out an involuntarily squeal, and ran to her room quickly.

‘Quick, empty my closet!’ she shouted to Richard who was sitting on the bed. He quickly stood up, as she pulled open the doors of the closet, when a gigantic ball of color and fabric rushed out with the force of an elephant being released from captivity.

‘Didn’t really need my help, now did it?’ pointed out Richard, picking up a bra from his leg before flinging it to the other side of the room.

‘What’s going on?’ he enquired, as she pulled out a suitcase from under the bed. He tried walking to her while avoiding the bright clothes strewn all over the floor.

‘We’re leaving for Rio de Janeiro in a week! Quickly, we need to book tickets and a visa, and I need to get my hair done so I don’t look like a mess! There are so many things to do and so little time to do all of it! Summer clothes! We need summer clothes. Throw all my summer clothes on my bed, leave the warmer garments on the floor. Quickly, we don’t have time!’ she said hurriedly, throwing clothes everywhere.

‘Wait hold on, what are you talking about?’ he said, trying to stop her rampage as she ran around the room to grab more stuff.

‘The competition silly! That was Coach Rodriguez at the door! She said I can go if I enter on my own. I’m so freaking excited. We need to be ready, so come on, help me,’ she said, her eyes glittering.

‘Seriously? Don’t you have to pay an entrance fee if you enter as an independent contestant?’ he asked, trying to calm the shaking girl.

‘I have the money, okay? My parents stored some money for my university education. I might as well use that,’ she said. She stopped shaking, and stood there unsurely, waiting for Richard’s inevitable outburst. She could literally see the anger building in him like a volcano about to erupt.

‘Are you crazy? You want to waste your university money on a gamble that you might win the competition?’ exclaimed Richard, lowering his eyebrows and glaring at her expectantly.

‘I have to! I can barely pay for Sharon’s treatment with our current financial state; the money my parents left me is almost dried up, and let’s face it, I can’t hold a job for long. University is almost out of the question anyway. Might as well make use of the money they stored,’ Natalie said, biting her lower lip, finally dropping her cheery facade. She started dumping her clothes into the worn out suitcase. Her room was in a mess, and clothes were strewn everywhere.

‘Well, think about this rationally first. Why not invest the money in something more stable?’ Richard said, grabbing her hand.

‘But, why? What’s the point? I never asked to have to support my sister. I don’t want to work. I just want to be back to my old life. I want to swim, I want to go out with my friends, but I can’t. This is the last chance for me to do the one thing I have left. If I lose the tournament, I’ll come back. Okay? I’ll find a job. Let me enjoy Brazil,’ pleaded Natalie. She stared into his eyes for a moment, before quickly pulling her wrist away and rubbing it.

‘Well, are you going to help me or not? Help me sort those clothes. Throw any warm clothing back into the closets. Throw the rest into the pile of clothes on the bed. Make sure to check the floor and under the bed for any spare clothes,’ said Natalie, trying to shove a hardcover book into the suitcase. Richard sighed, and bent down to search for clothes.

‘So, what, you’re just going to leave everything behind? What about Sharon?’ he asked, as he tried pulling a green blouse from under the bed with little success.

‘What about her? The institute will take care of her properly. I’ll visit her tomorrow, okay?’ she said, and heaved a sigh of a relief as she managed to push the book to the bottom of the suitcase. She gave him a small smile as he stood up.

‘Fine,’ he said, flicking her button nose playfully. She gasped in mock horror and pinched him. They laughed, and jumped on the bed.

‘You know I’m just scared for you. I don’t want you to do anything you might regret later,’ he said, as they cuddled together.

‘I know. But you have to trust me sometimes. I just feel like everything will work out. The whole world’s out there for me to experience, and I don’t ever want to let all that go,’ she said, laughing. He looked at her concernedly, before averting his gaze.

‘Uh huh.’

Maybe the whole flight crew is in on the scheme? Belinda and her father are both irritable on the plane because Bel is rambunctious as usual, and her father is extra concerned that people are looking for them (I got the impression from your passage that the father knew somebody was after him). Belinda probably needs to remark that her father is acting even more stressed out and antsy than usual, even though normally he’s relaxed on planes. The father might be looking out the window and give an annoyed, stressed sigh. He might ask one of the flight attendents, “Where are we, Alanzo? This doesn’t look familiar.” The flight attendent would explain that there’s bad weather on the usual route, so the pilot is making a minor detour. The flight should be very smooth until they reach their “final” destination… Belinda decides to be snarky and grumbles out the window, “I don’t remember seeing any dirty, smelly jungles on the way to Calver City…” Sensing that something’s wrong, the father might get very stern with the flight crew and ask to speak to the captain about this detour, but that’s when the plane gets attacked. And the crew has conveniently stored parachutes under the seats.

These are just random ideas, but if you worked some of that into your original scene, then it would at least give us SOME foreshadowing that the people on the plane are in on Melissa’s plan. Maybe it’s even the flight crew’s idea that Bel and her father jump out? If you hint that the flight crew is in on the situation, then Belinda sees the pilot with her mother later, then she might be shocked to realize that her mother set up the whole thing. I imagine she might accuse the mother of murdering her father, if she realizes the full implications of the plane incident.

((I’m not sure if you meant for Melissa to seem wicked or cruel. She seemed pretty nice when talking to Belinda. But if Melissa is directly or even partially responsible for the death of Belinda’s father, you can’t just ignore that fact. Belinda’s father seemed like a good guy with decent morals. You can’t get away with murdering that character without Belinda being OUTRAGED about it. Especially because she has no prior relationship with her mother, and no reason to forgive her for eliminating the father she was raised by))

Well then, if that’s why you have to keep the jungle landing, then maybe you could explain why Melissa knew that Bel’s plane was flying near her area? She would have to have known this, or been told this, so she could plan on getting Belinda. There’s gotta be SOME hint that the jungle is actually important before Bel gets there, or else finding her mom there will still seem contrived/overly coincidental. I’m not sure how, but it really should be foreshadowed in some way.

As for the the other comments, I’m glad you liked them! I hope they’ll be helpful.

I sort of expected the beginning three chapters to be about Belinda’s regular, pampered life before her whole world crashes into the jungle. Um, so if you’re moving between different characters for “intro chapters” right now, then I think my massive comment is still valid, but maybe the chapter shouldn’t be as long as I described it as… Heh-heh.

Again, good luck! I hope my post wasn’t too much…

I think it came out of nowhere that the cloaked woman turned out to be Belinda’s mom. It was a little too coincidental that Belinda and her father had to jump out of their plane BEFORE reaching their destination, and it just-so-happens they crashed into the very same jungle where Bel’s mother has been living.

I think it would work better if the jungle WAS their destination. I haven’t gotten to read your other plans for the story yet (or even the first three chapters), so please just consider the idea, muse about it, and decide whether you’d like to do it or not. Anyways, if this jungle was their original destination, the “Belinda’s Mother” thing won’t be so random. Maybe the situation has forced the father to finally bring Bel to meet with her mother. (I got the impression that Bel’s mom already has plans for her, since the natives seemed to be expecting her daughter at some point) So maybe Bel and her father are BOTH stressed out during the plane ride? After she complains about the smoked salmon, Belinda wonders why they have to fly to a hot, sticky, gross jungle in the first place. Some lame vacation THIS is… Her father reiterates that it’s necessary, and he seems reluctant too because (unbeknownst to Bel), he is at odds with her mother, the woman they’re going to meet. He tells Bel that they’re almost at their destination, and asks her to please just eat her fish and try to be nice to the stewardess…

Then the whole plane attack thing happens. I think you should spend more time on that scene. Maybe keep them in the plane for a little bit longer before the father gets parachutes out of the emergency bin?

I also think you could add more suspense and desperation to Belinda’s character if you let her believe her father might’ve survived the gunshot wound. When he gets shot, it’d be awesome if you took just a bit longer on the scene and describe it as if time has slowed down. Instead of speaking in complete sentences, maybe she should just go, “Daddy? DADDY!?” Then she crashes into the trees with her parachute, and makes an ugly landing on the ground.

I loved how you had Bel try to call her dad on her cell phone. It sounds perfect for her character, haha. Maybe when she finally digs herself out from under the parachute, she listens carefully as sounds of gunshots are still heard in the sky. Maybe she vaguely realizes that the shooters are still following the private plane (which would explain why the enemy shooters don’t go looking for Belinda), but the main thing she’s worried about is her father. She knows he got shot, but she crashed down through the canopy so suddenly that she couldn’t know how badly he was hurt. So she gets out her cell phone and calls him a dozen times, hoping she can reach him… Instead of sinking into misery so quickly and wanting to die, it would be cool if her heart starts pounding harder every time he doesn’t answer the phone. Finally, she decides he must’ve landed somewhere and he’s hurt, so she wants to find him. At this point, she’s too concerned with the here-and-now to think about apologizing for being a brat.

So maybe narrate that she’s running around in the gross jungle for awhile, without any luck, until she finally curls up in an area out of pure exhaustion. Still refusing to believe that he was KILLED by the gunshot, she convinces herself that she just wandered the wrong way or something. How the heck do you tell what direction you’re going in this stupid jungle, anyway? Why doesn’t some smart guy make some street signs or cross-walks or something? So Belinda stubbornly keeps up hope, but it’s too dark and cold to search now, so she curls up to wait for the morning light.

This would be a GREAT time to let Belinda reflect on what just happened. A great time to ask herself questions, and to finally feel some doubt that her father might’ve been killed. That might be the first time she almost cries, but she convinces herself that she doesn’t have to, because it’s not true. Her father’s not dead. NO. You could narrate this as the longest night of her life as she sits and waits for morning, getting little rest due to fear and the strange sounds of a jungle at twilight…

In the next scene, you could introduce the lioness by Belinda waking up from restless sleep, hearing a twig snap loudly. She sits up straight with her back against a tree, worrying about what kinds of animals live in jungles… By the time she gets her heart-rate down and decides she’s being silly, THEN the lioness lunges out of the grass! Belinda shrieks and runs for her life.

I think the part where you had Bel climb the tree to escape was a little awkward, ONLY because she fell right out of it again. I think it’d be cooler to have her running headlong through the jungle, elbowing vines out of her way until the lioness actually gains on her and slashes her leg. Injured, Belinda might stumble and roll down a rocky, branch-tangled slope, maybe hitting her head on something… So instead of her getting shot with a poisonous dart, she faints as the lioness comes stalking down the hillside… (I imagine that she would stubbornly attempt to stay awake, not wanting to die like this before finding her father, but in the end, unconsciousness claims her)

In the next scene, Belinda wakes up slowly and groggily inside the tribal healer’s tent… And shrieks because the lioness is in there with her! But after a moment’s observation, she sees that it’s just a lion’s pelt draped over something… The medical healer (and some disturbed villagers) peek into the tent after hearing her scream, and maybe Belinda is prepared to defend herself because she’s “seen this movie before”, where the tribal maniacs treat their prisoner like a Queen until they eat her at a sacrificial ceremony three days later. The natives seem confused, but the tribal chief (a stern, hard-faced, but not vicious man) comes in to talk to Belinda.

Once Belinda is calmed down, she realizes that her injured have been tended to, and the Chief asks, “Were there any more of you?” “More of me…?” At that point, Belinda supposes they’ve found her father, too, and she really stumbles out of the tent on her injured leg to go and see him.

If you want to, the chief could stop her and TELL her the father is dead, or you can actually write a scene where Belinda is taken to her father’s body. If you decide to go for a sad scene like that, it would be a good time for Belinda to apologize (too late, of course) for being a brat on the plane. It would also give you some time to get Bel’s mom into the picture.

((The reason I’m suggesting that the tribal natives be PEACEFUL people instead of violent is because I got the impression they were expecting Melissa Paradizzio’s child to come along sooner or later. Plus, it could be more interesting to have a peaceful, intelligent tribe instead of going with the usual “violent-get-off-my-land” tribe… You don’t have to use this alternate idea for the tribe, I’m just giving you some ideas in case they can help you))

Anyways, the natives sent for Melissa Paradizzio as soon as they found Belinda in the jungle and saved her from the lion, using a tranquilizer dart that the chief probably showed Belinda when she finally calmed down a bit. (It might be funny if you had Belinda ask what the chief was going to do with “that thing”, meaning the lioness pelt, and then the Chief says it’ll be a gift for his wife, heh-heh) So a few hours after finally realizing her father was killed, Belinda’s mother DOES show up and she has a warmer reception. Belinda would be confused because Melissia Paradizzio has been expecting her, and Bel might wonder if this is the person her father was “dragging” her to meet.

Then the chapter ends right then and there, when Melissa tells Belinda that she’s her mother. It’d be awesome if you could do that with some style, maybe by using what you already wrote for that part. Melissa says the thing about “being separated for almost your entire life, thanks to my HUSBAND” line, and the conversation carries on the same way you wrote it… And then the chapter ends with Melissa saying “I’m your mother, Belinda.”

Then your NEXT chapter can start with Belinda stammering, “You? You’re my mother…!?” and you can start the explaining thing. This would make a lot more sense than before, because if the readers knew Belinda and her father were SUPPOSED to be going to this jungle, then it isn’t random that her mother is there.

Anyways, these are a bunch of ideas that came to mind when I read your Chapter 4, Yogi. I know it’s a super-long post, but I hope you enjoyed reading it! I had fun reading your chapter, and I hope my suggestions will be useful to you. I think you would benefit a lot from slowing down events and taking more time on scenes, and trying to give a good reason for Belinda to find her mother in that particular jungle. Good luck working with Belinda and the rest of the story!

Chapter four

‘Here you go, your lunch miss,’ said the air hostess, who was wearing at least an inch-thick of make-up, the kind that made even Belinda grimace. Belinda looked at her tray of smoked salmon disdainfully. They were in a luxurious private jet and Belinda was lying back in her soft chair, wearing a hat and sunglasses. She was looking out of the window disgustedly at the forest beneath them.

‘What is this?’ she asked, cutting a piece of the salmon, and lifting a piece gingerly, as if she was afraid of it. She gently set the fork down, distancing herself from it.

‘Smoked salmon Miss Paradizio,’ said the air hostess charmingly, smiling.

‘And who told you to make this?’ Belinda snapped, annoyed.

‘Your father ordered this Miss,’ replied the air hostess unfazed by Belinda. Belinda opened her mouth, when her father walked towards them.

‘Yes, I did Belinda,’ he said in a sharp tone, and Belinda fell silent. The air hostess nodded her head and walked away. Belinda’s father sat beside her, and she rolled her eyes at him.

‘I wasn’t through with her you know,’ she grumbled.

‘Belinda, you don’t listen to a word I say do you? Why can’t you respect others?’ he said, sighing.

‘Why should I? We pay them, we fill their empty pockets, don’t we have the right to do what we want with them?’ she said, eating a piece of the salmon.

‘No we don’t Bel! They are fellow human beings too. Look at yourself Bel. What have you become?’ he said bitterly, looking in her eyes, desperately looking for his daughter in the girl’s eyes.

‘What have I become? Or what have you turned me into? For 16 years you gave me everything I ever wanted, sheltering me from the world. You sow what you reap, and you’re stuck with me now. I know you hate me, but you’re stuck with me,’ she said fiercely, her words stabbing him like honed knives.

The proud businessman sank into his seat, speechless. Belinda’s poisonous and cruel words had struck him in a way no stock market crash could ever come close to doing. He was lost in his thoughts, and Belinda was eating quietly.

Suddenly, the jet tilted to its side, and Belinda grabbed her seat tightly, her knuckles going white.

‘Belinda, wear your seatbelt!’ shouted her dad, struggling with his own, while trying to hold on at the same time. She fumbled with her belt, and strapped it over herself, shaking with fear.

‘Daddy, what’s going on?’ she screamed.

Suddenly, the pilot’s voice boomed. Passengers, please remain calm. There is a slight emergency. Unauthorised planes are attacking us. We are trying to land safely, so there is no need to panic. That is all.

Mr. Paradizio unbuckled his belt, and stood up, grabbing his bag.

‘Bel, I know you don’t know what’s going on but trust me, and do exactly what I say, okay?’ he said fiercely, and Belinda nodded her head weakly, getting up. From his bag, he drew two parachute bags, and gave one to Belinda, who put it on, and strapped it on herself, as the flight attendant rushed up to them.

‘Sir, please, sit down, everything’s under control!’ she said, gesturing at him to sit.

‘This was no accident woman, this was planned. They won’t stop till we’re dead. Where’s the emergency exit? Take me there now!’ said Mr. Paradizio. The flight attendant hesitated, before leading them to the exit.

‘Sir, are you sure you know how to deploy the parachute?’ she asked worriedly.

‘I was in the army for a while, so yes,’ he said dryly, turning to Belinda, ‘Bel, if something happens, I want you to know I’ll always love you.’

‘Dad, I’m NOT jumping out of here!’ she screamed in protest.

‘Bel, you have to do it. Please,’ he said, hugging her tightly.

‘When you jump, just pull the cord, okay? Bel, I know this is not enough training to get you through this, but there’s no other option. These people will stop at nothing!’ he said fiercely, his voice choking. He pushed open the door.

‘What people? Why will they stop at nothing?’ she said urgently, reluctant to jump, her hair flying all over her face.

‘Jump, I’ll explain later!’ he said.

‘What if we don’t land at the same place? What if I die? What if you die?’ said Belinda frantically.

‘I’m sorry Bel. I love you,’ he said, pushing her out of the door.

Wind rushed past her, and Belinda’s first instinct was to cover herself from the cold and scream at the sheer terror. She closed her eyes, falling swiftlu.

‘BEL! PULL THE CORD!’ a faint voice shouted, and she opened her eyes, vaguely seeing her father on her right, pulling his cord, and she pulled hers. Immediately, she was dragged upwards, and the wind around her lessened as she slowed down. She opened her eyes, and adrenaline coursed through her, as she gripped onto the parachute strings tightly. She grinned, exhilarated, and turned to her father, her grin subsiding.

A faint gunshot. A red patch blossoming on his shirt. A final scream. And her father went limp, slowly falling down. The world around seemed to slow down, and she screamed, and pulled on her strings futilely, trying to steer towards him.

‘DADDY! PLEASE! TELL ME YOU’RE ALIVE! SAY SOMETHING!’ she screamed, trying to grasp the body that was floating away, as she landed in a thick jungle. Her eyes still looked up, trying to keep him within her line of vision in vain.

‘He can’t be gone! No! This isn’t happening!’ she said, as she fell onto the thick undergrowth. She looked around helplessly, grasping at pockets, unzipping one and pulling out her cell phone, furiously punching in her father’s number, dialling it repeatedly every time he failed to answer. She fished out her wallet, opened it and took out her father’s business card, holding it tight.

‘No,’ she said quietly, her voice breaking as she sunk into the dense undergrowth, curling up, willing death to take her too. The warm air pressed around her, and sweat mingled with tears, causing her clothes to stick to her.

‘I don’t even keep a photo of him. I have nothing to remember him by. I berated him, mocked him before his death. How cruel can I be? Dad, please, I’m sorry, come back. I didn’t mean what I said,’ she pleaded silently. She sunk deeper into the undergrowth, holding the business card close to her, curling up.

Suddenly, she heard a twig snap, and her eyes flickered up, and distinctly saw a pair of yellow eyes watching her. She scrambled up, pushing the crumbly, damp ground away, and the lioness growled, chasing after her.

Belinda pushed aside branches frantically, and her steps quickened, dodging and weaving underneath the web of leaves, bamboo obstacles and tripping vines, as the sound of the paws hitting the ground grew louder. Belinda’s heel got caught by a vine, and she fell headfirst onto the ground, the bandage on her nose peeling off.

Her heel gave way, and she lost her balance trying to get up, eventually having no choice but to remove them. She climbed up a near tree in desperation, grasping onto a rough branch, pulling herself up, the adrenaline giving her the extra boost she needed.

She cautiously sat down on the branch, not daring to climb higher or to stand. She wrinkled her nose at the rotting smell of the moss on the branch and the numerous fire ants crawling around. The lioness caught up with Belinda, and growled at Belinda, who was just out of her reach. Belinda grasped on to the trunk tighter, but when it became apparent that the lioness could not get her, she loosened her grip.

‘My father will come rescue me you know! See how you like being hunted!’ she said, and threw her cell phone at the lion mockingly, which broke into tiny pieces, and served only to anger the lioness, who in a mad rage, charged at the trunk, and the tree shook violently, causing Belinda to lose her balance and fall.

Her nose started bleeding, and she felt faint, but she forced herself to stand up and run, as she noticed a clearing in the woods. The lioness was closer than ever, and the chase was getting more intense, and Belinda could almost feel the raw savagery emanating from the lion, when suddenly, the lioness fell, losing consciousness.

Belinda heard a thud, and stopped running, turning around to see the still body of the lioness, and she shouted in joy. Her happiness did not last long, when a dart buried itself into her neck, and she dropped to the ground, her vision blurring, and she only vaguely saw tribal men surround her.

When she woke up, the first thing she felt was the pressing humidity on her face and the scratchy vines tying her to a tree, and she struggled to break free. Tribal folk walked up to her, and surveyed her contemptuously. Dusk had fallen but the normally bright stars looked dim and forlorn to her.

‘Let me go! Do you know who my father i-’ she said, pausing abruptly, as recent events unfolded in her head, and she blinked back a tear.

‘Silence! You have trespassed upon our land, despite our agreement you foreigner!’ said a tribal man, obviously the head tribesmen, as he wore an elaborate headset with multi coloured feathers. They were barely covered in leaves and assorted markings, and Belinda grimaced in disgust at their filth.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Release me at once barbarians!’ she spat, reciting lines from a movie she once heard, trying to appear brave. If one were to look closer though, they would see her tied hands quaking in fear.

‘Call us what you want, but you have trespassed on our land, and according to our agreement, you belong to us. Sleep well, because for the next few years, you’ll never get a good night’s sleep again,’ he said, winking. Somehow that single sentence made her muted her normally unstoppable mouth, as no words could escape her and for once, her retorts failed to spring dutifully from the tip of her tongue.

‘I’m afraid that won’t be necessary,’ said a high, cold voice from behind the tree Belinda was tied to. Belinda’s head turned frantically to the haughty figure, who was dressed in black fabric, blending in with the dark forest. She pulled back her hood, and Belinda’s eyes bulged. The lady had cropped blonde hair, watery blue eyes and a weary expression on her face and she looked familiar somehow….

‘Belinda,’ said the woman, her tone of voice softening considerably, as she wiped a fleck of dirt from Belinda’s nose.

‘You have your father’s eyes,’ she said unfeelingly, as she turned towards the tribal men.

‘Did Daddy send you?’ Belinda asked desperately, clinging to faint hopes.

‘Your father is dead. We have the body,’ replied the woman harshly, and Belinda, somehow knew that she was telling the truth. Her father was gone forever. Her face fell forward, refusing to look up.

‘Thank you for rescuing Belinda. I shall be taking her now,’ she said haughtily, with an icy edge in her tone. The men instantly backed down, and the head tribesman’s face contorted with fury and hesitation, before relaxing his features.

‘Of course, madam. You didn’t tell us that this would be when she would arrive. Forgive our rude behaviour. We are deeply sorry for offending her,’ said the head tribesman emotionlessly.

‘Agent Greene, untie the captive,’ the woman said coldly. A brutish man stepped out from the shadows. Belinda gasped at the man appearing out of the trees. His face was covered, and he deftly removed a knife from his belt, slicing the ropes in three broad strokes. She fell to the ground, sobbing silently.

‘Get up!’ he growled harshly. She made no attempt to move, lying there desperately wishing everything to stop for a moment… Just a moment… The man roughly pulled her arm up, and pushed her forward.

‘Come now! Hurry up!’ he said. She looked at him with empty eyes. She felt no anger at the man; she barely felt anything but numbness and an overwhelming burden. She stumbled across the undergrowth, following the two people who walked firmly with great strides slowly.

They trekked across the forest for a few hours, not saying anything. Bugs flew around her, which she didn’t seem to notice. The lady and man never paused or slowed down, striding with ease and confidence, as if they had done this before.

Finally, she croaked out, ‘Who are you?’ The lady stopped in her tracks. She turned to her, smiling.

‘You’ve been separated from me your whole life. My husband,’ she said, emphasising the last word angrily, ‘made sure to that. Haven’t you ever wondered?’

‘Wondered what?’ said Belinda unfeelingly.

‘About your mother,’ said the woman.

‘My mother?’ asked Belinda curiously.

‘I was Miss Melissa Paradizio once,’ she said, her eyes glinting.

‘Mother?’ Belinda said.

‘Finally, a breakthrough for the bimbo,’ said Agent Greene, rolling his eyes.

‘Hey,’ Riley said, smiling at Tricia, who was placing a bowl at his bedside. Her hair wasn’t pulled back, and he saw her big, frizzy hair. She grunted back, sitting down.

‘You’ve gotten warmer, so you should be able to do minor things such as eating and drinking. Here’s some porridge for you. If you aren’t able to eat the porridge, we can get some soup. Would you like soup?’ she asked, not particularly interested.

‘Porridge is fine, thank you,’ he replied roughly, and she nodded her head, walking out of the room, annoyed. He slowly stretched, wincing as he tried to reach his bowl while trying to cover himself with the blanket, and he slowly ate the porridge. Expecting a lack of appetite, he was surprised at himself, as he ravenously wolfed down the food. Wanting more, he walked outside, dragging his blanket along like a giant cape, as he wandered around the house until he found Tricia.

Tricia sat down at the long table, and looked at her silverware, and frowned at the amount of food.

“Hardy, there’s so little food here. There’s only one chicken wing, and the rice wouldn’t be enough to feed a baby,’ she said, grimacing at her plate, and moving the food around. Riley looked at her plate, doing a double take. There was clearly more than enough food, what was she on about?

‘Don’t exaggerate Trix. The food is more than enough for a 16 year old girl,’ he replied, eating with his mouth full, without looking up at her.

‘Could you not be so health-conscious? Come on, just let me eat my fill! Is there more in the kitchen?’ she asked forcefully, eyeing the kitchen intently.

‘Yes, there’s more, but I really don’t see why you want to gorge yourself,’ he said, suspiciously, thinking of barricading the kitchen doors.

‘I’m not gorging myself, I merely want to eat to my heart’s content. Is that too hard to ask?’ she said, getting up and rushing towards the kitchen hurriedly.

When she came back, Hardy raised his eyebrow. Her plate had 4 chicken wings, loads of rice, and many chopped carrots, way too much for somebody her age.

‘Tricia, you can’t possibly eat so much!’ Hardy exclaimed in shock, as he saw her sitting down, apparently unfazed by the mountain of food on her plate. Riley had to agree, the thought of eating so much food made him slightly nauseous

‘Watch me,’ she said, glaring at him. She began forcing the food into her mouth, heartily eating, and Riley paled at the sight, walking over to them.

‘Tricia, I find it hard to believe that you need to eat so much. Venting out your anger on food won’t help,’ Riley said gently, scared that she would blow up at him.

‘What are you doing here?’ she said scowling, munching on more food.

‘I just wanted to ask for more food,’ he replied, annoyed at the tone of her voice.

‘Go help yourself, I’m not stopping you,’ she said.

‘Tricia, stop lying to yourself. Why are you angry with me?’ he said.

‘Why would I be angry? I mean, the only thing that’s going on back home is that my father’s finally gonna get married after 16 years of raising me alone,’ she said bitterly, reflecting past events.

‘Why are you so sad then, you should be delighted!’ he said, trying to lift her spirits.

‘You won’t understand. I still haven’t had a chance to apologise for what happened during Spring Break, and I won’t get to because of you!’ she snapped at him.

‘Oh come on, you know I can understand, right Trix?’ Hardy asked, cutting in, trying to prevent trouble. And, after all she knew he was studying psychology.

‘Yeah. See, when he first told me, I felt like it was an insult to my mother’s memory. Now I’ve realised that my dad deserves to have someone else in his life. Sooner or later, I’m gonna move out, and he’s gonna be all alone. But if I don’t turn up for the wedding, he’s never going to forgive me. And I don’t know if I can forgive myself. He’s going to think I hate him,’ she said full of hatred at herself.

‘Of course not!’ he replied, shocked.

‘Yes he is! And it’s all because of that boy over there! If he hadn’t crashed into our car when we were driving to your place, my car wouldn’t have been smashed up, and we wouldn’t have to had towed it away. We’ll only get it back 2 weeks later after repairs, long after the wedding!’ she said, scowling. Riley glared, moving forward, but Hardy held him back.

‘You could always call him up and tell him –’

‘Can’t. They’ve checked into a hotel out of town, and you know Dad doesn’t have a hand phone because of his hearing problem,’ she said sourly, munching loudly on a carrot piece.

‘Well, you know things will work out eventually. They always do. The important thing is not to stress yourself,’ he said awkwardly, putting his arm around her. Riley raised his eyebrows.

‘I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone,’ he said, going to the kitchen to get more soup.

‘Yeah, sure, whatever,’ she said, moving his arm away.

‘Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up,’ he said, smiling widely at her.

‘What?’ she asked suspiciously, not in the mood for his shenanigans.

‘Wanna take a swim in the lake once we’re done with lunch?’ he asked brightly, winking.

‘As much as I’d love to see you flaunt your swimming abilities, no. We have to make sure the kid’s alright, and we can’t leave him. Besides, I can’t even swim,’ she said, annoyed.

‘Aw, come on, just for an hour? And it’s just outside anyways, he can holler for us if he needs help,’ he replied.

‘I said no!’ she said angrily, pushing a spoonful of food into her mouth. He looked at her plate, and his eyes widened.

‘You’ve finished more than half of what looks like 5 servings. That’s enough Tricia!’ he said, pulling the plate away.

‘RICHARD! Give my plate back this instant!’ she shouted irately. If looks could kill, he’d be a zombie.

‘No Tricia! You’ve got to watch your health! I’ve warned you a thousand times about the heart diseases you could get!’ he said.

‘Stop it! Just give me back my food! You know that when I’m angry I feel weak and I need to eat more!’ she said, reaching for the plate, when he angrily pushed it on the floor. Tricia gasped, and glared at him, before slapping him.

‘Who are you to tell me what to do? I know you fancy yourself as a doctor, but you’re just a high-school graduate, same as me. So just let me do what I want you geek! You’re not my parents, so stop acting like it! Now I know why you never had any friends,’ she said, getting up, and slamming the chair into the table.

‘I’m gonna get more food,’ she growled, daring him to stop her with her eyes.

‘I’m not hungry,’ he said softly, pushing his food aside, and walked to his room.

‘Why? Hit a nerve, have I?’ she sneered to his back, contemptuously.

‘That know-it-all brat. About time somebody stood up to him. So what if he’s rich?’ she thought, as she walked to the kitchen, and began scooping up rice, when she heard Riley call her.

‘What?’ she yelled angrily.

‘Could you come here please?’ he asked.

‘Ugh, fine,’ she said irritably.

She marched over to his room, and asked, ‘What’s the matter? Want some soup?’

‘No.’

‘Then why’d you call me?’ she asked.

‘I heard your argument,’ he said, pulling up his blanket as she sat down on the bed.

‘Don’t you know it’s rude to eavesdrop on other people’s private conversations? But then again, seeing how you’ve acted so far, it’s not hard to believe proper manners have not been instilled in you,’ she said scornfully. His nostrils flared, but he kept his cool.

‘It wasn’t that hard, it was more of a shouting match than an actual argument,’ he said.

‘So why do you care? I have better things to do you know,’ she grumbled.

‘Hardy’s right you know. You should listen to him,’ he said.

‘Well, you’re not exactly a person to give advice, seeing as how you can’t take it without blowing up. You’re one of the few people who I can safely say has a temper worse than mine,’ she said.

‘Look you, could you just listen to me?’ asked Riley frustrated.

‘I don’t see why you expect me to take your advice, considering I’m only in this mess because you passed out at your car,’ she said.

‘Look, don’t go around pointing fingers at me, I can barely remember anything! If anyone’s to blame it’s you!’ he said.

‘Me?! For what? Being kind enough to take you in instead of leaving you there? Yes, I regret it too,’ she said.

‘I wasn’t talking about that,’ he said, rolling his eyes.

‘Then?’ she asked.

‘If you hadn’t stormed out of the house, and just listened to your dad, for one, this whole crisis would have been averted,’ he said.

‘You would have reacted the same way you hypocrite!’ she said.

‘Mind your words!’ he shouted.

‘Make me!’ she yelled back, glaring at him furiously. They held their eye contact for a while, each refusing to break their gaze first. Riley’s eyes flickered to the ground, and she turned away too. They stared pointedly at the ground, failing to see smoke rising from the blanket, until Riley felt his heat draining away, and his tense arms weakened, and he pulled up the blanket.

‘What’s the matter?’ said Tricia, deciding to give up ignoring Riley’s teeth chattering, and she turned around.

‘Oh great, the blanket’s smoking again,’ she said, rolling her eyes. Riley curled up under the blanket more, muttering repeatedly ‘So cold…’ She walked up to the heater contemptuously and turned it up.

‘You must be the only kid to need a heater during summer in Arizona,’ she said scornfully. She left the room, and headed towards the kitchen, noticing Hardy’s door was ajar. She raised her eyebrow, and entered the kitchen, discreetly closing the door behind her.

‘Hardy,’ she said in a deadly softly voice.

‘What are you doing?’ she said menacingly, with more emphasis on each word. He looked up from the trash can, hastily hiding the pot of rice he was emptying behind his back, and trying to look innocent.

‘Don’t try to hide it, I saw what you were doing! Why can’t you mind your own business you prat?! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!’ she said, pushing the much shorter and thinner boy to the ground.

‘I thought – you didn’t – the food,’ he stammered, trying to come up with an explanation.

‘You thought what?’ she asked angrily.

‘I thought you were done, so I threw away the food, I didn’t know –’ he said.

‘Liar. You heard Riley call me in so you took the chance to throw away the food. You know what I feel about throwing away food. And not just food. MY food,’ she said.

‘I’m sorry Tricia, I was just concerned, I won’t do it again,’ he said whimpering, sinking down onto the kitchen floor.

‘Pathetic. That’s what you are. All it takes is for me to shout at you and you’re easily frightened. Humph,’ she said, pulling the pot from behind him, and pushing the food into her mouth with the ladle greedily, bits of rice falling. As she finished the pot, she glanced up and realised he was gone.

She looked at the few grains of rice in the pot, and dropped it on the floor, a resounding “Clang!” sounding. She sighed, and walked out of the kitchen and into her room. The room was well-furbished, being taken care by a maid hired by Hardy’s parents. She looked at the mirror on the bedside table.

‘Look at you. You’re so huge, no wonder Hardy hates you. He cares about you so much, and you’re so irrational when it comes to food you glutton. Look at all the rice covering your face! How will he ever come to think of you in a romantic way if you continue being so childish?’ she said angrily at her reflection willing for it to turn into a beautiful, slim figure.

‘I’m crazy. I’ve never done anything to deserve Hardy’s affections. All I do is complain about how he doesn’t like me, and what do I do? I ridicule him, I tease him, I scold him, and more! Would he even like a fatso like me?’ she said, sighing. She looked around at the empty room, and desperately wished for her bookshelves back home.

‘Why can’t my life be like a fairytale? Why couldn’t we have gone to prom as a couple, not just as friends who couldn’t find dates?’ she asked wistfully to herself. She decided to leave her room, and walked out the door, closing it gently, and walked towards Hardy’s room.

‘Hey,’ he said quietly. He sat at the edge of his bed, his eyes locked to the ground.

‘I’m sorry, Hardy. I didn’t mean it. You know I don’t mean anything I say,’ she said.

‘Yeah, I know. It doesn’t matter. You were right,’ he said, still refusing to lift

‘About what?’ she asked.

‘You’re not part of my family. Why should I care about you? High school’s over, sooner or later, we’re gonna go our separate ways. I’m going to medical college, and you’re going into the food industry,’ he said, smiling, his watery blue eyes staring at her.

‘Hardy, you’re right, but it was still wrong of me to get angry like that. You were only trying to help,’ she said, sitting down next to him, and grasping his hand.

‘I was overzealous in my attempts to help you, when it was none of my business. You were in a fragile state, and I just made it worse. You had no control over your emotions, so I don’t blame you for it,’ he said with full sincerity in his voice.

‘Thank you Hardy. You always understand. And, anyway, chances are, we’ll never see each other again, and this is the last time we’re going to be together, and we shouldn’t waste our precious time being angry at each other,’ she said moving closer, smiling.

‘Exactly. That’s why I was delighted when the boy crashed into our car. That meant more time for us to be together. I know we’re not an item, but you’ve been my only friend since freshman year, so our time together will always be dear to me,’ he said, their eyes locking.

‘Me too. I’ll always remember you as the kid who puked all over my clothes on the first day of school,’ she said, and they both started laughing at their fond memory of the time they first met. She started to get up, removing his hand gently from her thigh.

‘Where are you going?’ he asked, panicked, ready to get up and stop her from bingeing again.

‘To my room. Don’t worry, I’m not going to eat,’ she said

‘Wait! What hotel is your dad staying at?’ he asked, an idea dawning upon him

‘The Glacier,’ she said.

‘Do you have their number?’ he asked.

‘No. We don’t have a phone book either. Look, it’s okay, no need to stress out, I’ll find a way to explain to them when I go back home,’ she said reassuringly, getting up.

‘No, no, wait,’ he said, ‘There has to be some way. We know your dad doesn’t have a cellphone; what about the bride?’

‘Sugar? I think I DO have her number…’ she said, slipping her hand into her pocket, and pulling out her cell phone. She dialled her number furiously.

‘Hello? Aunt Leo? This is Tricia,’ she said.

‘Yeah Tricia? When are you coming here? I’m so excited. I’ve got the perfect dress for you-’ she said, enthusiastically.

‘I’m not going to make it,’ Tricia said, biting her lips anxiously.

‘What? Are you still angry? Tricia, we told you, if you’re uncomfortable with the wedding, we can cancel it, don’t worry,’ Aunt Leo said, with a hint of reluctance in her tone.

‘No, Aunt, it’s nothing like that. See our car got into an accident, and-’

‘Oh my god, are you hurt darling?’ she asked.

‘No of course not. But the car was smashed up, and I won’t be able to be at the wedding in time. Don’t worry, I’m staying with Hardy, so there’s nothing to worry about,’ Tricia said hoarsely.

‘Oh,’ she said, pausing, ‘Would you like us to postpone the wedding?’ Tricia could hear a distinct tone of reluctance in her voice.

‘No, it’s okay. Go ahead without me, I’ll be fine,’ Tricia said, trying to hide a teardrop from Hardy.

‘Are you sure darling?’ she said.

‘Yes, of course,’ Tricia said.

‘Well, if you insist. We’ll be thinking of you the whole time. Goodbye,’ said her aunt warmly.

‘Bye,’ said Tricia, before looking up at Hardy.

‘Thank you, Hardy,’ she said, wiping away a tear and reaching forward to hug him.

‘Don’t mention it,’ he said, patting her back awkwardly, smiling at her.

‘No, really. That meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me,’ she said smiling.

She looked at him for a while, and then abruptly said, ‘Well, if there’s nothing else, I’d best be going,’ she said, leaving the room, and smiling. She walked to her room, and jumped onto the bed excitedly. At least one thing had gone right today. Suddenly, she heard screaming, and she ran towards Riley’s bedroom, seeing his blanket catching fire and the bowl of soup dropping to the floor. The flames escalated, and Riley shivered violently.