Feb 23 2009
If Arthurian legend had fan-fiction…
I provide advice about how to write novels, comic books and graphic novels. Most of my content applies to fiction-writing in general, but I also provide articles specifically about superhero stories.
- The hero would definitely be American. And possibly a woman, but nevertheless the most acclaimed knight of all time.
- The hero would find the Holy Grail halfway through the story. Just because.
- The official currency at King Arthur’s court will be gold pieces, and everyone will wear plate mail. With leather pants.
- Neither King Arthur nor Lancelot would mind if this knight started dating Guinevere. After all, the hero is universally acknowledged to be the noblest and sexiest knight in all the land, so of course he should have the noblest and sexiest woman in all the land. Duh.
- After the hero effortlessly wins Guinevere’s heart, she never even thinks of pining for anyone else (even though she, umm, cheated on Arthur with Lancelot).
- The hero would be of ridiculously high birth, probably the heretofore-forgotten eldest son of King Arthur. And recently returned from the heretofore-forgotten American Crusade. God save the Queen, indeed.
- If male, the hero is about 50% likely to be a furry. This will not make it any less likely that he gets together with Guinevere.
- Nobody will starve, get dysentery, get gangrene from a minor wound, or die of battle exhaustion. That would be, like, so medieval!
- The hero may have a bizarre sexual fetish, like wanting to have sex while on fire. Fortunately, he will discover that everyone else has the same fetish.
- Other characters will not even try to apply prevailing social norms (particularly related to gender roles and sex) to the main character. After all, he’s American. Duh!
- The hero probably has a dragon. Depending on #7, he may be a dragon.
- Any sort of religiosity will be notably absent, including the Holy Grail.
- Gallahad, the Green Knight, and a squire dressed as an ocelot are fairly likely to make you wish the knighthood took its don’t ask, don’t tell policy more seriously.
