A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Haha! I love that one. I can’t help but sing the last line!

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania, and they suddenly have to stop because there is a vampire in the middle of the road. He bares his fangs and hisses. The nun at the wheel says to the other: “Quick, show him your cross!” and the other leans out of the window and yells: “Get out of the way, you toothy git!”

God wants to go on holiday, so asks Saint Peter for suggestions. “How about Pluto?” “Too cold.” “Mercury?” “Too hot.” “Well, how about Earth?” “No, I can’t go to Earth.” “Why not?” “I went there about two thousand years ago, met a nice Jewish girl. They’re STILL talking about it.”

Jesus saves because he shops at K-Mart.

John and James were father and son who ran a farm together. They were too poor to afford any extra help, so they planted the crops themselves. Unfortunately, James was sent to jail for assault, and John had to do it by himself. He was a very frail and old man, and no longer had the strength to farm his land. He sent a letter to James. “James, I wish you were here, because I can’t work the land by myself and it seems that I can’t plant anything this year.” James replied promptly. “Dad, please don’t dig up that field. That’s where I buried the bodies.” The day after John received the letter, hundreds of police turned up and dug through the field, searching for the remains. They found nothing, so apologized to John and left. The next day, James sent him another letter: “Dear Dad, sorry about all the police, but it was the only way I could help you dig the field from my jail cell.”