Comments on: Writing Consistent Character Voices: “Greetings, mammals!”

By: Ragged Boy

Ragged Boy — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:08:01 +0000

Or if they were hating on his jacket, he could say it in conceit.

By: B. Mac

B. Mac — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:04:14 +0000

However, I think it would be acceptable if it had more of a context. For example, right now he kind of declares that he looks cool out of the blue. In contrast, if someone were talking about his leather jacket, then it’d be OK for him to say he looks cool.

By: Ragged Boy

Ragged Boy — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:00:36 +0000

Yeah, I didn’t think that would be acceptable.

By: B. Mac

B. Mac — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 02:28:30 +0000

Short answer: probably not.

Longer answer: It can be, but I found it a bit annoying that the character declared that he looks awesome or cool. Shortening it to just “I strutted in my new leather jacket” would be much more effective, I think. The word strut there implies that the character thinks he’s cool. It’s also much shorter.

However, if you want the character to come off as superficial and maybe in over his head, lines like “I looked awesome” could be useful. But even then, I think indirect and general statements might prove more effective.

For example, I wrote a first person story, Thug Life, about a 7th grade white suburban rapper character that’s wildly clueless. There’s a scene where he’s dancing

By: Ragged Boy

Ragged Boy — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:58:00 +0000

Basically, is superficial talk acceptable to express character voice.

By: Ragged Boy

Ragged Boy — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:52:30 +0000

I understand that character voice is extremely important, probably a necessity, in first-person narration. So could a protaganist say “I bet I looked awesome, as the energy swirled around me” or”I knew I looked cool, strutting in my new leather jacket.

By: B. Mac

B. Mac — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 15:48:16 +0000

Ahh.. I guess I had assumed it was Morgan delivering the line and not Wendy. That’s what had confused me. It makes a lot more sense that Wendy delivered the vacuum cleaner line.

I think another character could be effective. I suspect it would help underline the peer pressure and that she has a chorus of friends pressuring her to dump Isaac.

By: The ReTARDISed Whovian

The ReTARDISed Whovian — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 07:20:41 +0000

Oops, I mean “I think it would work better with a third character”.

By: The ReTARDISed Whovian

The ReTARDISed Whovian — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 07:19:33 +0000

There are two characters in the scene, Isaac’s girlfriend (Wendy) and her friend (Morgan).

Morgan asks Wendy how her date went, and Wendy tells her all about it. Morgan says it sounded fun, then asks if she kissed him. Wendy says no (She read in his diary that he gets nervous and would probably freak if she moved too fast). Morgan says that he might not be right for her if she didn’t feel like kissing him, but Wendy insists that he is.

Morgan says: “Are you sure? You should be dating Darrick. He’s way cooler.”

Wendy says: “I don’t care. Isaac’s cute and smart. Darrick’s okay, but he has nothing on him.”

“Like what?”

Wendy thinks: “Well, Isaac’s a superhero and has saved my life before.”

But she says: “Well, Darrick’s nice-looking, but his hair hasn’t been cut in ages. At least Isaac knows when he needs a trim. Isaac’s a genius, but Darrick couldn’t win a spelling bee against a vacuum cleaner.”

Morgan says: “Yeah, but like, Darrick’s hell sporty and stuff. Isaac’s pretty skinny. You can see his muscles through his shirt just a bit, but Darrick’s are obvious. He could probably throw Isaac a hundred metres.” (The average of Isaac’s species look like average humans, so he doesn’t have huge muscles).

The point of the scene is to show how suspicious Morgan is getting, without her blatantly saying: “Dump him now.” I think it would work better with a third character, though. Maybe I’ll put her other friend in there.

Morgan is suspicious because the change from (in her opinion) “hot” to “not” has been very quick. Since she (unlike Wendy) has no idea who he really is, the main factor in her pushiness for her to leave him is that he is less popular than Wendy is. She may be superficial, but what she wants most is for Wendy to keep a good reputation. She’s trying to look out for her

By: B. Mac

B. Mac — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 14:24:54 +0000

That line was very funny, but I’d modify it slightly for smoothness and brevity.
“Isaac’s a genius, but Darrick couldn’t win a spelling bee against a vacuum cleaner.”

So it very clearly works on a comedic level, but I’m not sure about the suspicion-raising mainly because I’m a bit fuzzy on some of the logistics. Let’s see if I understand this correctly. Another character other than Isaac’s girlfriend thinks it’s strange that Isaac’s girlfriend has fallen for Isaac (who is very much unlike her past boyfriends). This other character is trying to raise suspicion against Isaac’s girlfriend, so he/she compares Darrick to a vacuum cleaner. I think I understand that much. This is where I get a bit hazy.

I think there’s a third character in this scene, isn’t there? First we have Isaac’s girlfriend and we also have the character trying to arouse suspicion against Isaac’s girlfriend. But who is the second character’s audience? (Who does she want to become suspicious of Isaac’s girlfriend?) Also, why would insulting her past boyfriend and complimenting her new boyfriend make her come off poorly? (The more immediate interpretation to me is that her taste in guys is maturing).

By: The ReTARDISed Whovian

The ReTARDISed Whovian — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 11:00:34 +0000

What do you think of this line? It’s intended to raise suspicion against Isaac’s girlfriend, because she’s insulting the kind of guy who she’d normally date. She has suddenly taken an interest in him, who is the complete opposite of her normal standards.

“Isaac’s IQ is through the roof, but Darrick would have trouble winning a spelling bee against a vacuum cleaner.”

Your thoughts? Thanks!

By: The ReTARDISed Whovian

The ReTARDISed Whovian — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 07:16:11 +0000

“Greeting, mammals!” Haha, gotta love that line!

By: Jacob

Jacob — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 18:45:59 +0000

Haha. We were inspired to start working on the character when B. Mac was talking about a hegemon (a nation that’s a superpower) and I heard him say “Pokemon.” And wacky comedy ensued. It’s like the story of my life.

By: Brett

Brett — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 01:27:47 +0000

That and I can’t shake the philosophical/calculating/bada*s vibe.

By: Jacob

Jacob — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 00:58:24 +0000

A highly unusual face and a strange proclivity for purple?