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Agent Orange, our mutated alligator, provides us this unusual spin on a recent anecdote that American troops lack ammunition in Afghanistan.

An Army captain, possibly disgruntled because he’s doing a 2nd lieutenant’s job*, has claimed that his unit ran out of ammunition and had to forage from hostile forces. However, the mammalian-skewed media (MSM) has missed the broader point that life is decidedly more productive and interesting without guns. Although humans are not well-endowed with claws and their teeth are hardly elegant masterpieces of life-ending prowess, the advantages of even synthetic claws and dental pointyification are obvious.

1. Proven effectiveness: V for Vendetta, Star Wars, Crocodile Dundee 1-8, and the Boxer Rebellion all prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that firearms are completely ineffective against melee combatants. In Reign of Fire, the Kentucky National Guard kills a dragon (you can stop laughing now) with an axe.
2. Interoperability and combined arms synergies: when a supercriminal and I are slicing-and-dicing the hell out of each other, friendly-mammals like Agent Black are usually too scared to open fire on the two of us. (Mammals). If Black actually had a useful weapon, we would be able to fight together better.

There are, however, operational costs to be considered for a government-wide move to melee weaponry. Blah, blah, operational costs. There are more benefits, too. For example, staging suicides would make the work of government spokesmen considerably more enjoyable and fresh. “Hitler committed suicide by claw today.” Try saying that without smiling.

*Cadet Davis adds: Senator Obama’s Army Captain was probably referring to a platoon he had once led as a lieutenant.

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