Feb 16 2008

Chi.Rho’s Review Forum

Published by at 11:19 am under Review Forums

See the comments below.  Thanks.

37 responses so far

37 Responses to “Chi.Rho’s Review Forum”

  1. Chi.Rhoon 18 Feb 2009 at 9:25 am

    On an island off the coast of Africa, civil war has been going on for ten years. A native warlord has proclaimed himself to be the rightful leader of Cala. He has been kidnapping children and young men to make them child soldiers in his army. Metahuman and human children alike have been taken and enhanced to increase their productivity.

    Humans are experimented on using various procedures to create supersoldiers with incredible abilities. Metahumans are brought in and enhanced with procedures like genetic engineering, chemical enhancement, nanotech, etc.

    Four children being held by the dictator have formulated a plan to escape and recruit help from countries are seemingly blind to the crisis that plagues their country.

    So that’s the gist of it. I still gotta flesh it out but let me know if you think it’s lame. Also, if you have any ideas I would appreciate those as well.

  2. Chi.Rhoon 18 Feb 2009 at 9:36 am

    Character sketches

    Codename: Rancor
    Real name: undecided

    Powers and abilities: Rancor has the ability to psionically lock onto a persons a unique brain pattern and track that person.

    His genes have been spliced with that of a silverback gorilla and a cheetah. This allows for superhuman strength, speed, agility, dexterity, durability, and stamina. he also has enhanced senses and a healing factor.

    Story: He was born on the island of Cala and was kidnapped when he was 14 years old. he watched as they killed his younger sister in cold blood because she couldn’t keep up with the training. He never knew his parents. They died in a fire when he was young. So he carried the burden of protecting his sister and when she was killed it changed him…he thirsts for revenge and will not stop until his thirst is quenched.

  3. Stefan the Nuclear Manon 18 Feb 2009 at 9:37 am

    I think this has great potential. I especially like the idea of how other countries might be indifferent to the troubles Cala is facing. (Is that the name of the country?) The ten-year civil war is a nice touch. I could definately imagine seeing a country like this on the news.

    Your dictator character needs some form of personal law enforcement. Hitler had the Gestapo. Stalin had his secret police. V for Vendetta had the Fingermen. Depending on how “evil” your dictator is, you could have the secret police show varying degrees of cruelty towards the general public. The idea that children are being taken seems to imply that the dictator and his secret police are pretty evil people.

  4. Chi.Rhoon 18 Feb 2009 at 9:39 am

    Rancor is 19 now. I’ll post more later, but I’m out of time now. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

  5. Chi.Rhoon 18 Feb 2009 at 9:44 am

    Yeah Stefan the Nuclear man… I’m gonna put all that in place. Thanks for the feedback. That’s just the quick summary and I’m gonna create him and really flesh it out. But I’m gonna have him be funded by a secret international criminal organization. It should be cool. I will post more later. Thanks.

  6. Holliequon 18 Feb 2009 at 1:49 pm

    If you want to take a look at a serious problem being ignored in Africa, I suggest you look up the 1994 Rwandan Genocide and how the UN dealt (or rather, didn’t deal) with it. There was an excellent film on the subject (well, one person’s experience) released a few years back called “Hotel Rwanda”. If that doesn’t give you ideas for what an evil dictator could do, nothing will.

    Alteratively, you could look at Stalin for realistic ideas (his secret police were called the KGB, I think . . . or was that the name during the war? I forget). I recommend that you look at the Tatars and Stalin’s tactics during the early part of their WWII battles with Germany (though, in all honesty, that’s more likely down to incompetence and arrogance than actual intent to cause harm).

    I think your setting is a really interesting idea, but do you mean a civil war, or a resistance? (The way you’re describing things now just comes across as more of a resistance movement than an actual civil war.)

    Let me know if you need any more historix examples . . . I’m no expert, I just tend to remember stuff like this. >.<

  7. Chi.Rhoon 18 Feb 2009 at 3:50 pm

    yea you are right it would be a resistance…if you have anymore examples that would be awesome…I have been debating how to construct the story…thanx

  8. Holliequon 18 Feb 2009 at 5:10 pm

    Well, let’s see, these are ones that spring to mind . . .

    -The Holocaust, but this dictator doesn’t sound like he’s trying to kill off a certain race. There were concentration camps (NOT death camps like Auschwitz-Birkenau, Treblinka etc.) where Hitler held his political enemies, though. They ran from when he took presidency, I think, and the worst part of them was (according to people who were imprisoned there) not knowing when you were going to be released. And people WERE released.
    -The Nazis were supposedly responsible for the Reichstag Fire, which was at the time blamed on the Communists and may well have helped Hitler to gain power.
    -Before the Nazis gained absolute power, they started fights and them came in to break them up to make it seem like they were keeping the peace. The fights, of course, were blamed on the Communists.
    -The Tatars were a Muslim race in Soviet Union . . . a small portion of them supposedly “helped” the Germans when they invaded, so when the Red [Soviet] Army took the land back, Stalin had THE WHOLE RACE transported to Siberia . . . most of them starved or froze to death
    -In 1940/41 when the Germans invaded the USSR (I forget the exact date), Stalin gave a lot of stupid orders (for example, he wouldn’t let the soldiers retreat even when they were obviously going to lose).
    -When Japan invaded China (which I think was the mid-1930’s, just before WWII) they butchered the local Chinese population. They trained their soldiers in the use of bayonets on LIVE Chinese peasants. Gang-rape of Chinese women was also common, but that might be too dark for your story . . . I don’t know your audience.
    -European POWs in Japanese camps during WWII were fed on appauling rations, beaten, and worked almost to the death (if you find pictures of them, they look like skeletons . . . it’s horrible).
    -Interestingly, European POWs captured by the Germans were by-and-large treated very well. It was only Soviet soldiers who suffered at their hands. I think about 3 million died in captivity. The Germans basically put them in an enclosed area and threw some food in now and then. A lot of people resorted to cannabalism.
    -On a similar sort of note, when they started their campaign in the East the Germans began executing Jewish males . . . they soon realised that the women and children couldn’t provide for themselves, and made the decision to execute them to. These executions were actually what led to the creation of the gas chambers – they were trying to find ways of killing the Jews without having to shoot them. Shooting unhinged the soldiers and wasted precious ammunition.
    -In Rwanda (remember, this is 1994), the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis (I can’t remember how many, but I think it was a million . . . you’d need to check). This was men, women and children alike. What did the UN do? Not a whole lot, from what I gather. I think there was a low number of troops there who weren’t allowed to shoot at the rebels – and then they took some of them out. I’m not incredibly knowledgable on this subject so you’d have to check all this.

    . . . I think that’s enough. Blargh. Now I have a horrible taste in my mouth. But you’ve certainly got enough information on hand to create the most evil dictator the world’s ever seen – there’s plenty of stuff here that he could use to punish the rebels. Don’t forget, though, that there has to be a reason why the dictator came to power in the first place. He must have given SOME reason for people to support him (in the case of Germany and the rise of the Nazis – people felt that democracy had failed, the government seemed only to be making the depression in Germany worse by raising taxes, so they turned to the Nazi party, who they thought had the answers. And we all know how badly that one went . . . in their defence, though, the Nazis did sort out the German economy).

  9. Chi.Rhoon 19 Feb 2009 at 10:04 pm

    Wow, I really appreciate that. All that is really helpful. I’m going to write some material and post soon. Thanks.

  10. Chi.Rhoon 24 Feb 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Codename: Rancor
    Real name: Keon Osi
    Birthplace: Seregosa, North Cala
    Height: 6’4
    Weight: 225
    Age: 19
    Powers: Genetically spliced with silverback gorilla and cheetah DNA. This allows for superhuman strength, speed, agility, dexterity, durability, senses, and stamina. He also has a healing factor.

    He has the ability to track people by psionically locking on to the person’s unique brain pattern.

    Story: He was born on the island of Cala and was kidnapped along with his sister when he was 14 years old. He never knew his parents they died in a fire when he was young, So he carried the burden of protecting his sister. He watched as Jabari Sissoki’s men killed her in cold blood because she couldnt keep up with the training…this would change him.

    This made him train harder and immerse himself in each operation he was sent on. They paired him with Auctus and they became one of the most productive assassinations teams in the facility.

    He seems loyal to The Facilty but he is only waiting for his oppurtunity…

    He thirsts for revenge and will not stop until his thirst is quenched.

    Abilities: Rancor has been trained as an expert assassin. He has extensive knowledge of armed and unarmed combat.

    Codename: Auctus
    Real name: Zachary Zaid
    Birthplace: Cera, North Cala
    Height: 6’1
    weight: 230
    Age: 17
    Powers: Due to chemical enhancement Auctus has become the epitome of human perfection. He is peak human in every human category except durability, stamina and intelligence.

    His intelligence has been enhanced to superhuman levels. This makes him an extraordinary strategist and tactician.

    His durability and stamina have been raised to superhuman levels as well. This allows him to take extraordinary amounts of punishment. however, he still is far from invulnerable.

    Story: Zachary Zaid was born in Cera, North Cala. He has no recollection of any family before the facility. He was born as a severely disfigured and diseased child. because of these handicaps he was kidnapped and subjected to experimental chemical treatments which gives him his abilities.

    Unlike Rancor, he gave his life willingly to The Facility because he felt it was his duty to pay allegiance because of what they did for him.

    That changed when he watched them slaughter Rancor’s sister along 50 other subjects who couldn’t keep up with the training.

    Now he plans on recruiting help from around the globe to free his people from the grip of Jabari Sissoko…

    Codename: ?
    Real name: Jabari Sissoko
    Height: 6’6
    Weight: unknown
    Age: 25
    Birthplace: Eriteria, Cala

    Powers: Density control, Energy manipulation/conversion/projection

    Can use energy for a variety of abilities. ( strength, speed, flight, etc.)

    Story: The House of Sissoko ruled Cala from the 17th century to the 20th century.
    At the beginning of the 21st century the people of Cala felt it was time to usher in a new leadership so they effectively wiped out The House of Sissoko. Except for Jabari Sissoko. He was secretly smuggled out of the country by one compassionate servant who layed her life down to protect him.

    That was the year 2009. In 2014 Jabari returned to take his rightful place as King of Cala. With an army of metahumans recruited from around the globe, he invaded the palace and took the kingdom of Cala by force.

    Im going to continue character development but these are sorta like rough sketches…let me know what you think so far.

    Im planning on having Rancor and Auctus escape from The Facility and search out help from some of the international superpowers…maybe have some other super heroes get involved and help with the invasion.

    Jabari Sissoke will be really sophisticated and savvy. during his time away he will have done alot of traveling and networking. So when he comes back he is gonna be well equipped and ready to rule…but the catch is there is a secret criminal organization who is funding him. but secretly they are using The Facility to breed superhumans on Cala. In addition this organization is extremely powerful and they are the reason why the superpowered nations haven’t stepped in and turned a blind eye to the situation…

    does that make sense?

    Let me know what you think…thanx

  11. Stefan the Invisible Manon 25 Feb 2009 at 6:21 am

    You might have to explain how the secret organisation is so powerful and influential despite being evil. I think it would be quite interesting to play with the dynamic between the organisation and Jabari. I’d like to see how they manage to rule a single country together. The story is shaping up really nicely so far. Keep it coming!

  12. Chi.Rhoon 02 Mar 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Vis Arca is a secret criminal organization.

    It is led by seven men and women known as the Septenate. Each one is called a septarch.

    The identities of each septarch are kept secret. Only the seven septarchs know each other by face and name.

    Each of them have amassed wealth in various manners. They have risen in the ranks in their respective environments and arenas. Some of these areas include legal and illegal means. they have come together to collectively pool their wealth and power to greatly increase their international influence.

    Their primary strategy is to seize control of the economy of that given country. They have been known to lend money to major countries effectively making the country debted to them. Other tactics of control include extortion as well as carrying out assassinations and other off the book jobs.

    They recruit and support many of the world’s most influential businesspeople, politicians, and any man or woman with large influential positions.

    They have split their organization into branches. Corporations that allow for money laundering and fronts for criminal activities. Various government assets and known criminal organizations they control throughout the world.

    This is what I’m planning on being the secret criminal organization. I’m probably gonna bring them in later in the story or maybe not even until the second book, but I do wanna have them basically controlling the events of the story like puppet masters. I will make Jabari’s uncle the septarch from Africa. His uncle was the Calan ambassador when the house of Sissoko was destroyed and he was the contact that the servant sent him to. Does that make sense? Let me know, thanks.

  13. Ragged Boyon 02 Mar 2009 at 8:24 pm

    I’m liking it so far. I’m guessing Keon is the main character. I hope he has a strong personality to support such a vast storyline. For now I see no glaring issues. Although I wonder how much wealth it would take to indebt entire countries, Vis Arca must be extremely intelligent.

    The best advice I could give you as of now is to pace yourself. You have a very large story and it can be easy to get lost in it.

  14. Chi.Rhoon 03 Mar 2009 at 7:43 am

    Thanks, RB. I was planning to use three points of view. One would be Keon… I’m gonna have him traveling to recruit heroes and villains to help overthrow Jabari. The second would be Cala, a hero who is acting like a vigilante, sort of like V from V for Vendetta. And then the third would be Jabari and Vis Arca.

    Yes, Vis Arca is intelligent but they also have multiple alchemists at their disposal so they can create gold easily. They have endless sources of money.

    I am sorta struggling with how I wanna set up the escape. Should I have Keon in the middle of an operation or should I make it an accent at the Facility? I don’t know which would be more effective. Thanks.

  15. Chi.Rhoon 03 Mar 2009 at 7:47 am

    Oh and Vis Arca can also lend money not just for economic advances but also military, medical, and technological advances. So whenever countries are making decisions they have no choice but to see how it affects their relationship with Vis Arca. Keep in mind the nations do not actually deal directly with Vis Arca. They deal with front men who are acting as ambassadors for the organization.

  16. Chi.Rhoon 03 Mar 2009 at 8:22 am

    I’m thinking I wanna make Zach/Auctus to be my main character. He will be more level headed than Keon/Rancor. They trained together and they went on missions together. But their motivations have always been different. Zach worked for the facility because he felt as though he owes them for his health. Keon was biding his time waiting for the perfect opportunity to escape.

    Maybe what I can do is instead of Keon watching them kill his sister Zach sees it instead. While they are on a mission Keon makes the decision to leave then and Zach refuses to help him. They fight a little but Keon eventually gets away.

    Keon comes to break everyone out and rescue his sister only to realize that she was killed along with 50 others. Zach tried to stop it but was powerless to do anything. This is what puts Zach over the top.

    What do you think?

    And do you have any ideas for Zach’s abilities? I wanted something that will keep him human but at times would make him demonstrate superhuman feats…you know?

    Let me know, thanks.

  17. Holliequon 03 Mar 2009 at 2:17 pm

    I think either character could serve as your MC. I think Keon may be more relatable (he’s been opposed to the regime since the death of his sister) but a lust for revenge might be off-putting. Zach seems a bit more ambiguous on the whole thing, but feeling like he owes Jabari something could be an interesting contrast. It’s up to you – I would recommend going with whichever one you think would fit the story better.

    If Zach witnessing the death of Keon’s sister is what turns him against the government, why doesn’t he go with Keon when he leaves? (Unless he hasn’t witnessed her death yet). If he’s just seen her die and now he’s against Jabari, it makes sense for him to tell Keon (who I assume he has a healthy amount of respect for, whether they’re friends or not – they do work together). Once Keon finds out, the two of them might make a plan to escape.

    Or another angle: Keon’s sister is suffering in training because she’s being pushed too hard. Keon leaves as you said above, intending to return and rescue his sister later. Zach tries to stop him, but can’t and returns back to witness Keon’s sister and the 50 others being killed. At this point, he realises that Keon was right and when he comes back, Zach tells him what’s happened and decides to join him.

    What do you think?

  18. Holliequon 03 Mar 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Oh, whoops, Zach’s abilities: I think something like increased strength (but I would recommend against superstrength) and wall-crawling could work for his character. Or you may want to give him a slightly more exotic power – perhaps his skin produces a powerful toxin or he can change the colour of his skin to blend in with his surroundings.

    I would recommend against making him absurdly powerful. That could make it hard to challenge the character and readers might think ‘well, he’s so powerful he can’t die, why are we worrying about him?’

  19. Chi.Rhoon 03 Mar 2009 at 2:58 pm

    The second option you said was my original idea. I guess I didn’t explain that correctly, lol. Thanks man. Are there any good superpower list sites that you use other than the one on this site?

  20. Dforceon 03 Mar 2009 at 3:43 pm

    Superpower List? I think wikipedia has a HUGE collection of known superpowers.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_superpowers

  21. Chi.Rhoon 03 Mar 2009 at 7:09 pm

    Thanx Dforce

  22. Stefan the Exploding Manon 04 Mar 2009 at 4:27 am

    I think having them kill Keon’s sister and fifty others all at once may not be a good idea. It almost seems as though the Facility is inviting rebellion and it isn’t a very clever move for them.

    My suggestion is that you keep the idea that Keon escapes first, and have Keon’s sister and the fifty people killed separately. Maybe Zach can do a little investigating, since he’s more level-headed. Once he finds out they killed Keon’s sister, he could poke around a little more and discover the deaths of the other fifty and the full extent of the cruelty of the Facility. Once he finds out, he’d feel that it would outweigh his feelings of gratitude to the Facility for his health and this would be an incentive to escape.

    Of course, it’s not a perfect idea so whichever one you pick, whether you stick with your own or pick Holliequ’s idea, you’ll have to tweak it a bit to fit the rest of your story.

  23. Chi.Rhoon 05 Mar 2009 at 11:02 am

    What do you do when you have 4 or 5 other ideas for stories…i have so many ideas…lol…and i want to write them all now!! haha

  24. Ragged Boyon 05 Mar 2009 at 12:07 pm

    What you have to do is slap yourself so furiously that you lose multiple brain cells. The massive loss of brain cells will reduce your memory capacity. Then you’ll only be able to remember one story at a time.

    I’m sure every writer here has multiple stories dreamed up. For example I am working on or planning out:

    Showtime’s story
    My superhero/rock band story
    An existential fantasy story
    A futuristic teenagers-take-over-city story
    Sketch’s story

    and a slew of others sitting in my Literary Waiting Room. I think I’ll be working on Sketch’s story next.

    You just have to understnad that you can only work on so many stories at once. You could try to work on two or more, but I doubt your productively.

  25. Chi.Rhoon 13 Mar 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Ok so how about this…Keon/Rancor decides to leave while he and Zach/Auctus are on a mission. His plan is to come back and rescue his sister along with anybody else who wants to be freed from the Facility. (I still don’t know what I will call that yet).

    When Zach returns, he starts really thinking about Keon and his decision to leave. But he really can’t figure out why he hates it here so much. Then he finds Keon’s sister turned into a cybernetically enhanced assassin. That reveals to him the cruelty and ruthlessness of the organization. How does that sound? Does it make sense?

    So Keon comes back with some people that he recruited from the resistance force on the island. Zach tells him what happened to his sister and he refuses to listen and he tries to save her but she doesnt remember him and almost kills him with her newfound abilities. This forces him to leave her which will fuel his hate even more.

    Some get away but most are recaptured put back in cells. Zach, Keon, and a few others are able to steal a helicopter but before they can get very far they are shot down off the coast of Mombassa.

    In Mombassa there is an American Special Forces unit known as Spear. They are there to oversee a valuable shipment and make sure nothing happens when they witness the explosion and help to fight off the assailants.

    Zach and Rancor go to America. What do you think?

  26. Holliequon 13 Mar 2009 at 2:10 pm

    Hmm. I think the sister-as-controlled-antagonist could be a good idea, but it has potential to introduce a lot of angst into your story, which could annoy readers. However, as long as you keep that under control, I think it might be able to work.

    Is it necessary for Zach and Rancor to go to America? Not that there’s anything wrong with that necessarily, but does it serve some purpose? For example, maybe they want to recruit some US “superheroes” and/or the government’s support to solve their country’s problems. If they’re from Africa, they might have an idealised vision of America as a land of freedom and justice. The US doesn’t necessarily have to provide this support, or even help them at all, but I think something needs to happen to these characters in America. Otherwise there doesn’t seem much point in them being there.

    What about visiting political refugees from their country? Maybe there are other people who have escaped from the Facility in America and these two want to get them to help?

  27. Chi.Rhoon 13 Mar 2009 at 2:40 pm

    Well my idea is to introduce the director of SPEAR (the special forces team). He has had his eye on the situation in Cala but because of the political climate America has kept him from doing anything about it. Zach and Keon did not plan on going to America but after SPEAR operatives help fight off the attackers, they are brought back to SPEAR HQ in America.

  28. Chi.Rhoon 13 Mar 2009 at 2:41 pm

    Once they get to America, I feel like certain opportunities can open up. For example, American superheroes volunteer to join the fight.

  29. Holliequon 13 Mar 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Okay. I have no problem with going to America, I just think that, um, it shouldn’t be pointless. 😛 You seem to have a reason for it, so it’s alright I guess.

    I’m getting kinda out of my depth here. I don’t think my plot advice is the greatest.

  30. Chi.Rhoon 13 Mar 2009 at 3:04 pm

    It’s good because it’s really making me think about what I’m doing. So as long as you have something to say about my ideas, please say it. I appreciate it, thanks.

  31. Chi.Rhoon 13 Mar 2009 at 3:06 pm

    But America will not be the last stop for them…I have some other ideas that is gonna have them traveling recruiting international allies. See my thing is they are international assassins for this organization. I would imagine that they would have made connections with people around the world over the years.

  32. B. Macon 13 Mar 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Hmm. I think there might be too much movement. The ally-gathering world tour might take too much time and sap the urgency from the story. One way you could keep these scenes interesting is to have enemy spies stationed abroad. When the heroes start looking for allies, they might pick up a double-agent and/or attract the attention of assassins.

  33. Chi.Rhoon 13 Mar 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Yeah, you are right. I’m gonna start writing and see how it flows. But I have so many ideas… it’s hard for me to cut some out because I love them all.

  34. Roon 30 May 2010 at 7:39 am

    Hey B.mac…I feel pretty dumb right now because i forgot all about this forum. This is the first forum i actually setup here. LOL…wow!
    I have been working on this story too. Its a little different than my original plan though.

    Ill post some later.

  35. B. Macon 30 May 2010 at 8:20 am

    No worries. One thing I’d like to add in the next year is some sort of feature where, when you log in, it provides easy access to your pages. Also, it’s hard for me to keep manually updating the list of review forums–maybe my tech guy can do something so that adding a review forum automatically updates the list.

  36. Roon 30 May 2010 at 9:14 am

    On an island off the coast of Africa, civil war has been going on for ten years. A native warlord has proclaimed himself to be the rightful leader of Cala. He has been kidnapping children and young men to make them child soldiers in his army. Metahuman and human children alike have been taken and enhanced to increase their productivity.

    Humans are experimented on using various procedures to create supersoldiers with incredible abilities. Metahumans are brought in and enhanced with procedures like genetic engineering, chemical enhancement, nanotech, etc.

    THe first generation of super soldiers have been dispersed across the globe. They are surrounded by people posing as their friends and family to monitor their progress.

    Name:Zachary Zaid/Auctus

    Origin: Due to chemical engineering he has been made a perfect human specimen in every area. For the past ten years he has been living in California. In California he has been attending college and working as an intern for the local newspaper. He has a girlfriend that works with him there as well. But he doesnt know that she is really a spy for The facility.

    Personality: He is confident in himself and those around him. This causes him to sometimes be too trusting of people. Even against his better judgement, he will completely trust people which can cause situations to become even more dangerous. He is idealistic. He is a great strategist but his sentimentality dilutes his ability to make tough decisions. Searches for the best in others. Refuses to quit.

    Name: Safiya/Rancor

    Origin: She was raised in Haiti. When the earthquakes happened in 2010 she was separated from her family and was sent to America. The facility lost track of her and in an effort to retrieve her they brought her memories back to her. She found out that her old training partner, Zachary Zaid was in California and decided to seek him out.

    Personality: She has a very aggressive persoanlity. She goes through episodes of paranoia. She has a hard time trusting people that she doesnt know. She is loyal. rebellious to conventional rules. She is driven by the cause. No cause no drive.

    She has the ability to track people by their unique psionic brain patterns and superhuman speed.

  37. Roon 30 May 2010 at 9:15 am

    Fisrt chapter coming soon

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