Comments on: B. Mac’s Review Forum http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/ Writing advice for superhero, fantasy & sci-fi authors Mon, 15 Mar 2010 16:34:24 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: B. Mac http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-54358 B. Mac Wed, 17 Feb 2010 04:14:09 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-54358 I've been brainstorming some plot ideas for issue two. Obviously, this will have spoilers. <br /> --The main plot event of the issue is Gary struggling through training with Agent Orange and solving his first case. The team-building assignments and ice-breakers do not, umm, go as planned. <br /> --Gary particularly struggles with weapons handling/marksmanship, but I think that's a bit cliched, so I'd also like to show that his investigative skills are not well-suited to this position. (For example, he's the last person in training to realize on a particular day that "Agent Orange" is actually being filled in for a shapeshifting Internal Affairs agent today). <br /> --One personality trait I'd like to establish for Gary is that he relies too much on other people in a field where self-sufficiency is generally assumed. For example, when the quartermaster hands him a gun that the QM says is loaded, Gary doesn't think to check it first. (Professionals ALWAYS treat a gun as loaded until they've seen otherwise). <br /> --I'd really like to use the training to set up readers for the action in store. This isn't standard police training. Besides the shapeshifter check, I'd also like to do a brief scene on a firing range where the targets (instead of staying mobile) jump and weave at the shooters at insane speed, like something out of The Matrix. "What the hell! The target cheated." Maybe something like a paintball match between Gary and Agent Orange with both of his arms tied behind his back and a paintbrush held between his teeth. Nom nom nom. <br /> --As much as possible, I'd like to introduce important side-characters (notably Dr. Mallow, Dr. Darpa, a shapeshifter, an assassin, etc). One thing I'd like to show about Mallow is that he's frightfully good at reading/using people-- he picks up on the shapeshifter before anybody else, etc. When he goes rogue, I think that he'd be a more intimidating opponent if we know he's competent. <br /> One of the things that I'm trying to adjust for is that it's been MUCH harder to fit the plot into X pages as I had planned. For example, originally I had projected that Gary would first meet Agent Orange around page 8-10. That actually happened on page 24. I’ve been brainstorming some plot ideas for issue two. Obviously, this will have spoilers.

–The main plot event of the issue is Gary struggling through training with Agent Orange and solving his first case. The team-building assignments and ice-breakers do not, umm, go as planned.

–Gary particularly struggles with weapons handling/marksmanship, but I think that’s a bit cliched, so I’d also like to show that his investigative skills are not well-suited to this position. (For example, he’s the last person in training to realize on a particular day that “Agent Orange” is actually being filled in for a shapeshifting Internal Affairs agent today).

–One personality trait I’d like to establish for Gary is that he relies too much on other people in a field where self-sufficiency is generally assumed. For example, when the quartermaster hands him a gun that the QM says is loaded, Gary doesn’t think to check it first. (Professionals ALWAYS treat a gun as loaded until they’ve seen otherwise).

–I’d really like to use the training to set up readers for the action in store. This isn’t standard police training. Besides the shapeshifter check, I’d also like to do a brief scene on a firing range where the targets (instead of staying mobile) jump and weave at the shooters at insane speed, like something out of The Matrix. “What the hell! The target cheated.” Maybe something like a paintball match between Gary and Agent Orange with both of his arms tied behind his back and a paintbrush held between his teeth. Nom nom nom.

–As much as possible, I’d like to introduce important side-characters (notably Dr. Mallow, Dr. Darpa, a shapeshifter, an assassin, etc). One thing I’d like to show about Mallow is that he’s frightfully good at reading/using people– he picks up on the shapeshifter before anybody else, etc. When he goes rogue, I think that he’d be a more intimidating opponent if we know he’s competent.

One of the things that I’m trying to adjust for is that it’s been MUCH harder to fit the plot into X pages as I had planned. For example, originally I had projected that Gary would first meet Agent Orange around page 8-10. That actually happened on page 24.

]]> By: B. Mac http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-48229 B. Mac Sat, 05 Dec 2009 06:37:54 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-48229 AGENT ORANGE: I have most courteously signed you up to be an organ donor! AGENT BLACK: Umm... I think the donor usually decides that. AGENT ORANGE: Except in cases of mental defect. AGENT BLACK: I do <b>not</b>-- AGENT ORANGE: --hah! You would refuse to give your organs to a sickly patient after you are dead. If that is not proof of a mental defect, surely it proves nefariousness. AGENT BLACK: You are getting-- AGENT ORANGE: --...closer and closer to redistributing your organs tonight. AGENT ORANGE: I have most courteously signed you up to be an organ donor!
AGENT BLACK: Umm… I think the donor usually decides that.

AGENT ORANGE: Except in cases of mental defect.
AGENT BLACK: I do not–

AGENT ORANGE: –hah! You would refuse to give your organs to a sickly patient after you are dead. If that is not proof of a mental defect, surely it proves nefariousness.

AGENT BLACK: You are getting–
AGENT ORANGE: –…closer and closer to redistributing your organs tonight.

]]> By: B. Mac http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-45423 B. Mac Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:43:58 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-45423 I had an idea for a comic book cover. Agent Black and possibly Agent Orange are sitting in a helicopter among an extremely well-armed group of soldiers. The soldiers look deadly serious, like they're just about to drop into really dangerous territory. <br /> Agent Black looks a bit concerned/confused. Unlike everybody else, he's wearing a regular business suit and he looks badly out of place in a military operation. <br /> Agent Black says "Umm... This is just a fact-finding mission, right?" I had an idea for a comic book cover. Agent Black and possibly Agent Orange are sitting in a helicopter among an extremely well-armed group of soldiers. The soldiers look deadly serious, like they’re just about to drop into really dangerous territory.

Agent Black looks a bit concerned/confused. Unlike everybody else, he’s wearing a regular business suit and he looks badly out of place in a military operation.

Agent Black says “Umm… This is just a fact-finding mission, right?”

]]> By: Lighting Man http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44638 Lighting Man Thu, 22 Oct 2009 23:42:33 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44638 I only had time to read to the first Panel 8, but just as a quick suggestion, maybe you could help show the depths of his rejection by having one of the places rejecting him be A.T.F? Then in the seventh panel, show the employee as a really deranged looking person, smoking a cuban cigar in the same hand as he holds a beer bottle, and a gun in the same hand as he holds the phone? Maybe, like a really finely tailored business vest with a stick of cartoon dynamite in his pocket? It's just an idea, it might be too cartoon-y or insulting to A.T.F for what you are going for, but I think it'd show that he really is the bottom of the barrel. I only had time to read to the first Panel 8, but just as a quick suggestion, maybe you could help show the depths of his rejection by having one of the places rejecting him be A.T.F? Then in the seventh panel, show the employee as a really deranged looking person, smoking a cuban cigar in the same hand as he holds a beer bottle, and a gun in the same hand as he holds the phone? Maybe, like a really finely tailored business vest with a stick of cartoon dynamite in his pocket? It’s just an idea, it might be too cartoon-y or insulting to A.T.F for what you are going for, but I think it’d show that he really is the bottom of the barrel.

]]> By: B. Mac http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44630 B. Mac Thu, 22 Oct 2009 23:02:10 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44630 PAGE TEN <br /> Panel 1. Gary wakes up. His alarm clock says 11:32. (Not having a job has thrown off his schedule). <br /> NARRATION: WEDNESDAY <br /> INSERT PANEL: He pulls a crumpled-up sheet of paper out of his pocket. <br /> Panel 2. We're reading the paper now (and he's holding it up so that he's reading it, too). It says LIST OF RECRUITERS and it has four agency names next to phone numbers. (Let's say CENSUS BUREAU, FBI, INTERNATIONAL TRADE ADMINISTRATION and ICE). <br /> Panel 3. He grabs his phone. <br /> Panels 4-7. This is four different people in four similar-looking government offices rejecting Gary's application. Each speaker appears in a different panel and together they finish the same sentence. <br /> SPEAKER 1: I received your application, Mr. Whateley... SPEAKER 2: ...and I'm concerned that you will only be available for a year... SPEAKER 3: ...so I'm sorry to inform you that... SPEAKER 4: ...we cannot hire you at this time. <br /> Panel 8. Gary's sitting alone at a bar, head slumped down onto the table. <br /> PAGE ELEVEN <br /> Panel 1. Gary wakes up and he's even more of a wreck than before. (Not shaved, messy hair, etc). <br /> NARRATION: THURSDAY <br /> Panel 2. Gary starts going through his Blackberry. (Umm, make it look generic enough that I don't get sued, thanks). <br /> Panel 3. He's looking through his contact list-- we see three columns: name, job and phone #. All of the entries we can see have IRS in the job column. Just make up boring-sounding names and job titles, like IRS economist or IRS auditor or whatever. <br /> Panel 4. He types in -IRS in the search bar. <br /> Panel 5. He only gets 3 results: MOM + DAD PIZZA HUT FELIX CUTTER <br /> Panel 6. Felix Cutter? <br /> Panel 7. He's trying to remember who that is. <br /> Panel 8. Flashback to a classroom where Gary and Felix are doing a public-service announcement. On the whiteboard, it says IRS-DEA Drug Awareness Week <br /> FELIX: Kids, there's one thing you need to know about drugs. They'll make you dead. <br /> PAGE TWELVE <br /> Panel 1. Felix writes DEAD on the board in big letters. <br /> Panel 2. FELIX: Can anybody tell me why drugs're gonna make you dead? <br /> Panel 3. CHILD: Because they're bad for you? <br /> Panel 4. Felix doesn't like that answer. Give him a comically over-the-top expression. <br /> FELIX: You damn fool! Of course they're bad for you. So is candy. But thinking about candy shouldn't make your knees tremble in abject terror. <i>Fear</i>, that's what I'm talking about. If somebody offers you drugs, why should you run the hell away if you want to live? <br /> Panel 5. WHITE GIRL: The po-lice! <br /> Panel 6. He smiles. <br /> Panel 7. He takes an eraser and erases the last D in DEAD, leaving only DEA. FELIX: Damn straight, sister. And that's why drugs'll make you dead. Now I'm gonna hand the floor over to Gary Smith. <br /> Panel 8. On the side of this panel, Felix is disappointed with Gary's use of language that is FAR too wonkish for this grade-school audience. GARY: Hello, I'm with the Internal Revenue Service. Who wants to learn about narcotic money laundering? <br /> PAGE THIRTEEN. <br /> Panel 1. The flashback is over. Back to Gary's apartment. GARY: Hello, Mr. Cutter? FELIX: Depends on who's asking. <br /> Panel 2. GARY: Umm, I worked with you on Drug Awareness Week. FELIX: Oh, yeah! I remember you. Sort of. You got one of those damn taxman names. Barry or Larry or something. <br /> Panel 3. Gary eye-rolls. <br /> GARY: I was wondering if you were still in government. I'm looking for work. <br /> Panel 4. FELIX: Where you at? GARY: Washington. FELIX: Get out! I'm in Baltimore. Get your butt on down here and we can talk over drinks. <br /> Panel 5. Gary stumbles nito the bar. He's stubbly, his clothes are a wreck (sweats and a hoodie with the hood down), his hair is wild, etc. There's a Unabomber joke coming up, so make sure that he bears some resemblance. <br /> Panel 6. Gary plops down at Felix's table. <br /> Panel 7. FELIX: What the hell happened to you? <br /> Panel 8. GARY, desperate and out of breath: I need a job. <br /> PAGE FOURTEEN <br /> Panel 1. FELIX: What you need is a barber. The Unabomber look ain't working. <br /> Panel 2. GARY: Is the DEA hiring? I'm really good with numbers but everywhere else I've applied I've had a lot of trouble because I can't talk about my work with, umm, the agency where you met me. <br /> Panel 3. FELIX: The IRS? <br /> INSERT PANEL: Gary lurching towards Felix, with a finger to his mouth. (He doesn't want to get shipped to Alaska). GARY: Shh! <br /> Panel 4. Felix is confused and a little bit weirded out. <br /> FELIX: Uhh... I didn't know it was like a spy thing you can't talk about. <br /> Panel 5. GARY: Well, something came up. I sort of "died." Officially. <br /> Panel 6. This excites Felix. <br /> FELIX: No way! The DEA once staged my death-- they held a fake funeral and everything. The dealer thought he was gonna get nailed for accessory to cop-killing--he fell over himself cutting a plea bargain on the drug charges. <br /> Panel 7. GARY: And it worked out alright? FELIX: It was rough. They wouldn't let me work for two weeks. By the end of it, I was suffering law-enforcement withdrawal so bad I got the shakes every time I drove past a skatepark. <br /> PAGE FIFTEEN <br /> Panel 1. Felix looks at him like he's an idiot. GARY: Law enforcement withdrawal? Umm, I don't think that's it. <br /> Panel 2. Gary flinches. GARY: Umm, okay. Assuming it is law-enforcement withdrawal, I should get a job with DEA. Can you get me something? Anything? <br /> Panel 3. Felix looks embarrassed. FELIX: Well, uhh... I'm sorta on the outs at work. I got wrote up for some crap with a supervisor that hates me. And a pellet-gun that I had <i>no idea</i> was loaded. <br /> Panel 4. Awkward silence panel. <br /> Panel 5. Felix mentions something but it makes him uncomfortable. <br /> FELIX: There was that one time in Brooklyn... <br /> Panel 6. Another awkward silence panel. Felix regrets bringing it up. <br /> Panel 7. GARY: Please, anything. I'll take <i>anything</i>. <br /> Panel 8. FELIX: The Office of Special Investigations. <br /> PAGE SIXTEEN. Panel 1. GARY: OSI? I've never heard of them. FELIX: They're quiet. They deal with caped freaks, zombie outbreaks, psycho scientists, that sort of batshit crazy New York crap. <br /> Panel 2. FELIX: So, Brooklyn, right? We've got three squads ready to storm a MS-13 cocaine plant. <br /> Panel 3. We shift to the scene outside the plant. A guy in nondescript street clothes is leading out handcuffed prisoners that have been chain-ganged, like in prison. There was obviously a fight here, so show some of them injured and perhaps mildly bloody. He's got a human-sized bag over his shoulder that's sort of squirming. FELIX, off-panel: OSI gets there first. <br /> Panel 4. The DEA vans pull out in a semi-circle pinning him approximately against the plant with the prisoners behind him. <br /> INSERT PANEL: The doors on the vans opening up and guys with rifles pointing at him. FELIX: Freeze! <br /> Panel 5. The guy looks bored. AGENT: Special Investigations. Can you take care of these guys? I've already got who I came for. <br /> Panel 6. FELIX: ID! Now! <br /> Panel 7. The agent reaches for a card incredibly fast and whips it at Felix's feet. Use some blurring and overlapping frames of him to show that this is beyond the natural. <br /> PAGE SEVENTEEN. <br /> Panel 1. Felix holding the agent's business card. It's got an OSI seal and his picture. AGENT WHITE OFFICE OF SPECIAL INVESTIGATIONS-- HUMAN RESOURCES SHAPESHIFTER CHECK: Try shooting him. If you hit him, it wasn't. CAPABILITIES: See above. TEAM FUNCTION: intelligence resource acquisition/headhunting SECONDARY FUNCTION: recruiting <br /> Panel 2. Felix is startled/befuddled. AGENT WHITE: Thanks. Have a nice day. <br /> Panel 3. He starts to move-- he's pretty fast. <br /> FELIX: What the hell? You're not going anywhere. You are <i>a witness</i>. <br /> Panel 4. Agent White leaves. You can give him some nifty agility/speed tricks here. <br /> Panel 5. Back to the present. FELIX, bitter: We never managed to get a deposition or debriefing out of him, let alone testimony. <br /> Panel 6. GARY: Do you still have the business card? FELIX: You can't be serious. PAGE TEN

Panel 1. Gary wakes up. His alarm clock says 11:32. (Not having a job has thrown off his schedule).

NARRATION: WEDNESDAY

INSERT PANEL: He pulls a crumpled-up sheet of paper out of his pocket.

Panel 2. We’re reading the paper now (and he’s holding it up so that he’s reading it, too). It says LIST OF RECRUITERS and it has four agency names next to phone numbers. (Let’s say CENSUS BUREAU, FBI, INTERNATIONAL TRADE ADMINISTRATION and ICE).

Panel 3. He grabs his phone.

Panels 4-7. This is four different people in four similar-looking government offices rejecting Gary’s application. Each speaker appears in a different panel and together they finish the same sentence.

SPEAKER 1: I received your application, Mr. Whateley…
SPEAKER 2: …and I’m concerned that you will only be available for a year…
SPEAKER 3: …so I’m sorry to inform you that…
SPEAKER 4: …we cannot hire you at this time.

Panel 8. Gary’s sitting alone at a bar, head slumped down onto the table.

PAGE ELEVEN

Panel 1. Gary wakes up and he’s even more of a wreck than before. (Not shaved, messy hair, etc).

NARRATION: THURSDAY

Panel 2. Gary starts going through his Blackberry. (Umm, make it look generic enough that I don’t get sued, thanks).

Panel 3. He’s looking through his contact list– we see three columns: name, job and phone #. All of the entries we can see have IRS in the job column. Just make up boring-sounding names and job titles, like IRS economist or IRS auditor or whatever.

Panel 4.
He types in -IRS in the search bar.

Panel 5. He only gets 3 results:
MOM + DAD
PIZZA HUT
FELIX CUTTER

Panel 6. Felix Cutter?

Panel 7. He’s trying to remember who that is.

Panel 8. Flashback to a classroom where Gary and Felix are doing a public-service announcement. On the whiteboard, it says IRS-DEA Drug Awareness Week

FELIX: Kids, there’s one thing you need to know about drugs. They’ll make you dead.

PAGE TWELVE

Panel 1. Felix writes DEAD on the board in big letters.

Panel 2.

FELIX: Can anybody tell me why drugs’re gonna make you dead?

Panel 3.
CHILD: Because they’re bad for you?

Panel 4. Felix doesn’t like that answer. Give him a comically over-the-top expression.

FELIX: You damn fool! Of course they’re bad for you. So is candy. But thinking about candy shouldn’t make your knees tremble in abject terror. Fear, that’s what I’m talking about. If somebody offers you drugs, why should you run the hell away if you want to live?

Panel 5.
WHITE GIRL: The po-lice!

Panel 6. He smiles.

Panel 7. He takes an eraser and erases the last D in DEAD, leaving only DEA.
FELIX: Damn straight, sister. And that’s why drugs’ll make you dead. Now I’m gonna hand the floor over to Gary Smith.

Panel 8. On the side of this panel, Felix is disappointed with Gary’s use of language that is FAR too wonkish for this grade-school audience.
GARY: Hello, I’m with the Internal Revenue Service. Who wants to learn about narcotic money laundering?

PAGE THIRTEEN.

Panel 1. The flashback is over. Back to Gary’s apartment.
GARY: Hello, Mr. Cutter?
FELIX: Depends on who’s asking.

Panel 2.
GARY: Umm, I worked with you on Drug Awareness Week.
FELIX: Oh, yeah! I remember you. Sort of. You got one of those damn taxman names. Barry or Larry or something.

Panel 3. Gary eye-rolls.

GARY: I was wondering if you were still in government. I’m looking for work.

Panel 4.
FELIX: Where you at?
GARY: Washington.
FELIX: Get out! I’m in Baltimore. Get your butt on down here and we can talk over drinks.

Panel 5. Gary stumbles nito the bar. He’s stubbly, his clothes are a wreck (sweats and a hoodie with the hood down), his hair is wild, etc. There’s a Unabomber joke coming up, so make sure that he bears some resemblance.

Panel 6. Gary plops down at Felix’s table.

Panel 7.
FELIX: What the hell happened to you?

Panel 8.
GARY, desperate and out of breath: I need a job.

PAGE FOURTEEN

Panel 1.
FELIX: What you need is a barber. The Unabomber look ain’t working.

Panel 2.
GARY: Is the DEA hiring? I’m really good with numbers but everywhere else I’ve applied I’ve had a lot of trouble because I can’t talk about my work with, umm, the agency where you met me.

Panel 3.
FELIX: The IRS?

INSERT PANEL: Gary lurching towards Felix, with a finger to his mouth. (He doesn’t want to get shipped to Alaska).
GARY: Shh!

Panel 4. Felix is confused and a little bit weirded out.

FELIX: Uhh… I didn’t know it was like a spy thing you can’t talk about.

Panel 5.
GARY: Well, something came up. I sort of “died.” Officially.

Panel 6. This excites Felix.

FELIX: No way! The DEA once staged my death– they held a fake funeral and everything. The dealer thought he was gonna get nailed for accessory to cop-killing–he fell over himself cutting a plea bargain on the drug charges.

Panel 7.
GARY: And it worked out alright?
FELIX: It was rough. They wouldn’t let me work for two weeks. By the end of it, I was suffering law-enforcement withdrawal so bad I got the shakes every time I drove past a skatepark.

PAGE FIFTEEN

Panel 1. Felix looks at him like he’s an idiot.
GARY: Law enforcement withdrawal? Umm, I don’t think that’s it.

Panel 2. Gary flinches.
GARY: Umm, okay. Assuming it is law-enforcement withdrawal, I should get a job with DEA. Can you get me something? Anything?

Panel 3. Felix looks embarrassed.
FELIX: Well, uhh… I’m sorta on the outs at work. I got wrote up for some crap with a supervisor that hates me. And a pellet-gun that I had no idea was loaded.

Panel 4. Awkward silence panel.

Panel 5. Felix mentions something but it makes him uncomfortable.

FELIX: There was that one time in Brooklyn…

Panel 6. Another awkward silence panel. Felix regrets bringing it up.

Panel 7.
GARY: Please, anything. I’ll take anything.

Panel 8.
FELIX: The Office of Special Investigations.

PAGE SIXTEEN.
Panel 1.
GARY: OSI? I’ve never heard of them.
FELIX: They’re quiet. They deal with caped freaks, zombie outbreaks, psycho scientists, that sort of batshit crazy New York crap.

Panel 2.
FELIX: So, Brooklyn, right? We’ve got three squads ready to storm a MS-13 cocaine plant.

Panel 3. We shift to the scene outside the plant. A guy in nondescript street clothes is leading out handcuffed prisoners that have been chain-ganged, like in prison. There was obviously a fight here, so show some of them injured and perhaps mildly bloody. He’s got a human-sized bag over his shoulder that’s sort of squirming.
FELIX, off-panel: OSI gets there first.

Panel 4. The DEA vans pull out in a semi-circle pinning him approximately against the plant with the prisoners behind him.

INSERT PANEL:
The doors on the vans opening up and guys with rifles pointing at him.
FELIX: Freeze!

Panel 5. The guy looks bored.
AGENT: Special Investigations. Can you take care of these guys? I’ve already got who I came for.

Panel 6.
FELIX: ID! Now!

Panel 7. The agent reaches for a card incredibly fast and whips it at Felix’s feet. Use some blurring and overlapping frames of him to show that this is beyond the natural.

PAGE SEVENTEEN.

Panel 1. Felix holding the agent’s business card. It’s got an OSI seal and his picture.
AGENT WHITE
OFFICE OF SPECIAL INVESTIGATIONS– HUMAN RESOURCES
SHAPESHIFTER CHECK: Try shooting him. If you hit him, it wasn’t.
CAPABILITIES: See above.
TEAM FUNCTION: intelligence resource acquisition/headhunting
SECONDARY FUNCTION: recruiting

Panel 2. Felix is startled/befuddled.
AGENT WHITE: Thanks. Have a nice day.

Panel 3. He starts to move– he’s pretty fast.

FELIX: What the hell? You’re not going anywhere. You are a witness.

Panel 4. Agent White leaves. You can give him some nifty agility/speed tricks here.

Panel 5. Back to the present.
FELIX, bitter: We never managed to get a deposition or debriefing out of him, let alone testimony.

Panel 6.
GARY: Do you still have the business card?
FELIX: You can’t be serious.

]]> By: Tom http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44445 Tom Tue, 20 Oct 2009 23:25:25 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44445 "Yeah, it’s the fifth case this year! I’ve never had any of these outside of DC." Actually laughed out loud. “Yeah, it’s the fifth case this year! I’ve never had any of these outside of DC.” Actually laughed out loud.

]]> By: B. Mac http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44486 B. Mac Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:45:17 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44486 For your convenience, I've compiled pages 1-9 here. <br /> PAGE ONE. <br /> Panel 1. This is a large panel from the perspective of a news camera showing the wreck of Gary Smith's car. (He eventually becomes Agent Black). Except for the smoking wreck, this should look like a picturesque suburban home, nice flowers in the yard, all that. Cops are swarming around the scene, there's police tape, etc. For realism's sake, keep the camera on the other side of the street. (Media can't get too close to a crime scene). <br /> The news ticker reads "BREAKING NEWS: IRS AGENT GARY SMITH, 24, MURDERED BY CAR-BOMB..." <br /> Panel 2. The camera looks down and sees Gary's TAXMAN license plate. It's been blown across the street. <br /> Panel 3. Cut to one of Gary's coworkers getting interviewed. He's visibly shaken. <br /> COWORKER: I have no idea who would want to kill Gary. He was such a great guy. Worked like a demon. Sang like crap. We did karaoke every weekend. At the bottom of the screen, it says VICTIM'S COWORKER. INSERT PANEL: Coworker holding up a picture of Gary at the company picnic. He looks like a workaholic—he’s in a suit and has a briefcase with him. But he’s having a good time with people. Make him look likable. <br /> Panel 4. New interview, this time with a sweet-looking grandmother. At the bottom of the screen, it says CONCERNED NEIGHBOR. <br /> NEIGHBOR: Damn, if I had known he was a taxman, I woulda capped him myself. <br /> Panel 5. The neighbor does a gun motion with his hand and pulls the trigger. NEIGHBOR: Audit <i>this</i>, sucka! <br /> Panel 6. Back at the crime scene. A journalist's holding a microphone to a cop. This cop looks pretty incompetent. Nothing about him should inspire confidence. See Barney Fife. <br /> JOURNALIST: Who had the motive to do this? COP: Murder an IRS agent? COP (second speech bubble): Give or take, 300 million. <br /> PAGE TWO. Panel 1. Two US Marshals step into frame. One pulls aside the cop and the other is replacing the cop as the subject of the interview. <br /> MARSHAL PULLING ASIDE COP (small text): We'll take it from here. <br /> Panel 2. The US Marshal looks a lot more grizzled and professional than the cop did. Think Bruce Willis. <br /> MARSHAL: The US Marshals are conducting an exhaustive investigation... <br /> Panel 3. Cut to the home of Gary's parents, Sarah and Luke. It's a quaint home in rural Georgia. His mother is visibly distraught but the father is stoic-but-concerned. <br /> SARAH: Isn't right. The hardest thing is burying your son. LUKE: It feels like yesterday we was [sic] playing catch. <br /> Panel 4. Somber silence. Luke supports Sarah. <br /> Panel 5. Luke has a small, wry smile. Please give Sarah appropriate body language. <br /> LUKE: Would've been nice if he called once in a while. SARAH, mildly rebuking him: Luke! <br /> Panel 6. The screen goes fuzzy—the TV is being turned off. (Gary is turning off the TV in his hospital room). <br /> Panel 7. Gary is lying in a hospital bed, wearing hospital garb. He's got some bandages, but generally he looks like he's in pretty good shape. Another US Marshal (tall and burly) is standing next to him. Gary looks confused/distressed. <br /> GARY: I don't understand... <br /> PAGE THREE Panel 1. We see another US Marshal. This guy is in charge, so make him look older than the previous Marshals and particularly commanding/competent. <br /> MARSHALL: Someone tried to kill you. Pretty close, too-- <br /> Panel 2. Flashback to Gary setting off the bomb with his remote car-starter. He is not actually seriously injured, so make sure it looks like he's okay. <br /> MARSHALL, off-panel: Forensics figures another eight feet would have put you in the kill zone. <br /> Panel 3. Gary sits up. <br /> GARY: And you told people I died, why? MARSHALL: If the attacker thinks you survived, they will try again. <br /> Panel 4. Gary looks more indignant. <br /> GARY: You told <i>my parents</i> I died. MARSHALL: I'd tell them you were a crack-dealing serial killer if that's what it took. <br /> Panel 5. Gary looks distressed/resigned. He gets up off the bed. <br /> GARY: This is way too much to deal with right now. I've got two meetings at work, and-- <br /> Panel 6. Marshall claps his hands on Gary's shoulders. MARSHALL: --your job is over. Until this investigation is finished, your <i>life</i> is over. We need at least a year to identify and arrest the attackers, make sure that it's actually safe for you to return. <br /> Panel 7. Gary looks skeptical. <br /> GARY: Umm, wouldn't it be easier just to give me guards or something? MARSHALL: You think the Marshals have the manpower to give 24-hour security to every government employee that's pissed somebody off? Hell no. <br /> Panel 8. <br /> MARSHALL: There are two ways, and only two ways, this can go. One: you take on a new identity. New friends, new city, new name. GARY: What's the other? <br /> PAGE FOUR. Panel 1. This is a large panel showing a wintery deathscape. Gary is freezing next to an igloo. This is northern Alaska at its brutal worst. There's a bizarrely chipper WELCOME TO BARROW sign. The subheader on the sign is "I can see Siberia from here!" <br /> MARSHALL, off-panel: If <em>anyone</em> hears that you survived, you're on the next flight to Alaska under federal protective custody. <br /> Panel 2. Marshall looks frightening here. <br /> MARSHALL: If you make me waste our manpower, I will make you <i>wish</i> the bomb had killed you. <br /> Panel 3. Gary looks very hesitant, kind of cowed. <br /> Panel 4. The Marshal looks eerily friendly/eager to help here. <br /> MARSHAL: Any other questions? <br /> Panel 5. GARY: Alright, fine. I'll play along. <br /> Panel 6. The Marshal tosses him a wallet (containing his new ID card) and Gary bobbles it. <br /> PAGE FIVE <br /> Panel 1. This is a fake license plate showing Gary's new identity. He's Jebediah Whateley of Barrow, Alaska. It's inside a wallet. <br /> GARY: Jebediah!? MARSHAL: If it's a problem, I can book you a flight to your igloo. Just let me know, Mr. Whateley. <br /> Panel 2. Gary stewing silently in anger. <br /> Panel 3. MARSHAL: Excellent. In that case, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, DC. Good luck finding work. Remember, only government jobs and nothing in the IRS... Jebediah. <br /> Panel 4. Gary shows gritted teeth as the marshal leaves. <br /> Panel 5. Gary leaves the room and meets a somewhat dumb-looking nurse. <br /> Panel 6. The nurse is surprised to see him. <br /> NURSE: Hello, Mr. Whateley! I hope you're recovering well. GARY, obviously annoyed: Perfect. NURSE: I'm sorry to hear about your... <br /> Panel 7. The nurse reads a medical notepad (Gary's file). NURSE: ...stove explosion. The good news is that the burns were pretty mild and there was hardly enough shrapnel to kill a squirrel. <br /> Panel 8. GARY (indignant): "A <i>stove explosion</i>?" NURSE: Yeah, it's the fifth case this year! I've never had any of these outside of DC. <br /> PAGE SIX. Panel 1. Gary looks irritated. GARY: You know us government types. Always getting into trouble. <br /> Panel 2. NURSE: Government? Wait, I know! You're... <br /> Panel 3. The nurse looks like she's just had a "eureka!" moment. Gary looks extremely nervous-- he thinks that he's been found out already and will have to go to Alaska. <br /> GARY, thought: (an image of the Alaskan wasteland). <br /> Panel 4. Nurse points a finger at him. NURSE: ...with the CIA! Did the KGB boobytrap your stove? <br /> Panel 5. GARY: Umm, yeah. NURSE: Oh, wow! I appreciate your service so much. Please keep up for the good work. Just check the stove first next time. <br /> Panel 6. He rolls his eyes as she smiles widely at him from behind. GARY: Thanks. I'll try to. <br /> Panel 7. Gary has his phone out and she's gone. GARY: Hello, I'd like a cab pickup... <br /> PAGE SEVEN. Panel 1. Gary's sitting in his unfurnished apartment, writing away at a sheet of paper. The apartment should feel unnaturally empty and boring. NARRATION: US Marshal Safehouse #247, assigned to "Jebediah Whateley." <br /> Panel 2. We shift to the sheet. It has two columns, one that says JOB APPLICATION ASSETS and another that says LIABILITIES. He's having more success filling up the liabilities. At this point, he has "can't talk about why I left the IRS" and "I can only work for a year!" and "Jebediah, really?" in liabilities. The only asset he can think of is "Good with numbers." <br /> Panels 3-5 are three small panels. In 3, his stomach growls. In 4, we see him checking the pantry but finding it empty. In 5, he finds the refrigerator empty. <br /> Panel 6. Cut to a restaurant. Gary's eating a burger next to a woman at the bar. Make this look a lot more lively and fun. <br /> GARY: So, where do you work? WOMAN: K Street. You? <br /> Panel 7. Gary explains he's unemployed, but she's extremely unimpressed and not having any of it. This should be obvious to Gary. GARY: Umm, I'm between jobs. <br /> Panel 8. Gary blushes, embarrassed by her reaction. The waiter is looking on from the side. GARY: It's not my fault! I'm looking! <br /> Panel 9. She leaves. Gary facepalms. <br /> Panel 10. The waiter commits an awkward gaffe, annoying Gary. <br /> WAITER: You're still going to tip, right? GARY (small text): Not anymore. <br /> PAGE EIGHT Panel 1. Gary's writing some more. He looks tired and it's getting late. Some time has passed since the last panel. (For example, he has several empty beer mugs next to him). <br /> Panel 2. We see that he has filled in more job liabilities. "No contacts outside of IRS." "No work experience I can actually mention." "Still smell like smoke." He has only added one more asset, "Other agencies need accountants now, right?" (Scrawled next to this, in capitals and underlined: NOT TAX SEASON [frowny face] ) <br /> Panel 3. Still working on the list. He adds "Able to do" under assets. Make it clear that he's still writing out the phrase. <br /> Panel 4. He pauses in thought, frowning. He looks really tired. <br /> Panel 5. He scratches out the word Able and replaces it with Willing, and writes in the word anything, so that it has become "Willing to do anything." <br /> Panel 6. His head hits the table and he's out cold. <br /> GARY SOUND EFFECT: Zzzzz <br /> PAGE NINE <br /> Panel 1. The bartender's on the phone. (Talking to a cabbie). <br /> BARTENDER: Okay. I'll send him out. <br /> Panel 2. The bartender has hung up. BARTENDER: His cab's here. Want to take him out? WAITER: No tip, no service. <br /> Panel 3. The bartender unhappily drags Gary outside. <br /> Panel 4. CABBIE: Where's he going? (The bartender hands him Gary's wallet). <br /> Panel 5. CABBIE: "Jebediah Whateley." You gave an Amish guy enough liquor to make him pass out? BARTENDER: Three Buds! <br /> Panel 6. They heave Gary into the backseat. <br /> Panel 7. The bartender has turned to leave. CABBIE, to himself: Dammit. No way I'm getting a tip on this one. For your convenience, I’ve compiled pages 1-9 here.

PAGE ONE.

Panel 1. This is a large panel from the perspective of a news camera showing the wreck of Gary Smith’s car. (He eventually becomes Agent Black). Except for the smoking wreck, this should look like a picturesque suburban home, nice flowers in the yard, all that. Cops are swarming around the scene, there’s police tape, etc. For realism’s sake, keep the camera on the other side of the street. (Media can’t get too close to a crime scene).

The news ticker reads “BREAKING NEWS: IRS AGENT GARY SMITH, 24, MURDERED BY CAR-BOMB…”

Panel 2. The camera looks down and sees Gary’s TAXMAN license plate. It’s been blown across the street.

Panel 3. Cut to one of Gary’s coworkers getting interviewed. He’s visibly shaken.

COWORKER: I have no idea who would want to kill Gary. He was such a great guy. Worked like a demon. Sang like crap. We did karaoke every weekend.
At the bottom of the screen, it says VICTIM’S COWORKER.
INSERT PANEL: Coworker holding up a picture of Gary at the company picnic. He looks like a workaholic—he’s in a suit and has a briefcase with him. But he’s having a good time with people. Make him look likable.

Panel 4. New interview, this time with a sweet-looking grandmother. At the bottom of the screen, it says CONCERNED NEIGHBOR.

NEIGHBOR: Damn, if I had known he was a taxman, I woulda capped him myself.

Panel 5. The neighbor does a gun motion with his hand and pulls the trigger.
NEIGHBOR: Audit this, sucka!

Panel 6. Back at the crime scene. A journalist’s holding a microphone to a cop. This cop looks pretty incompetent. Nothing about him should inspire confidence. See Barney Fife.

JOURNALIST: Who had the motive to do this?
COP: Murder an IRS agent?
COP (second speech bubble): Give or take, 300 million.

PAGE TWO.
Panel 1. Two US Marshals step into frame. One pulls aside the cop and the other is replacing the cop as the subject of the interview.

MARSHAL PULLING ASIDE COP (small text): We’ll take it from here.

Panel 2. The US Marshal looks a lot more grizzled and professional than the cop did. Think Bruce Willis.

MARSHAL: The US Marshals are conducting an exhaustive investigation…

Panel 3. Cut to the home of Gary’s parents, Sarah and Luke. It’s a quaint home in rural Georgia. His mother is visibly distraught but the father is stoic-but-concerned.

SARAH: Isn’t right. The hardest thing is burying your son.
LUKE: It feels like yesterday we was [sic] playing catch.

Panel 4. Somber silence. Luke supports Sarah.

Panel 5. Luke has a small, wry smile. Please give Sarah appropriate body language.

LUKE: Would’ve been nice if he called once in a while.
SARAH, mildly rebuking him: Luke!

Panel 6. The screen goes fuzzy—the TV is being turned off. (Gary is turning off the TV in his hospital room).

Panel 7. Gary is lying in a hospital bed, wearing hospital garb. He’s got some bandages, but generally he looks like he’s in pretty good shape. Another US Marshal (tall and burly) is standing next to him. Gary looks confused/distressed.

GARY: I don’t understand…

PAGE THREE
Panel 1. We see another US Marshal. This guy is in charge, so make him look older than the previous Marshals and particularly commanding/competent.

MARSHALL: Someone tried to kill you. Pretty close, too–

Panel 2. Flashback to Gary setting off the bomb with his remote car-starter. He is not actually seriously injured, so make sure it looks like he’s okay.

MARSHALL, off-panel: Forensics figures another eight feet would have put you in the kill zone.

Panel 3. Gary sits up.

GARY: And you told people I died, why?
MARSHALL: If the attacker thinks you survived, they will try again.

Panel 4. Gary looks more indignant.

GARY: You told my parents I died.
MARSHALL: I’d tell them you were a crack-dealing serial killer if that’s what it took.

Panel 5. Gary looks distressed/resigned. He gets up off the bed.

GARY: This is way too much to deal with right now. I’ve got two meetings at work, and–

Panel 6. Marshall claps his hands on Gary’s shoulders.
MARSHALL: –your job is over. Until this investigation is finished, your life is over. We need at least a year to identify and arrest the attackers, make sure that it’s actually safe for you to return.

Panel 7. Gary looks skeptical.

GARY: Umm, wouldn’t it be easier just to give me guards or something?
MARSHALL: You think the Marshals have the manpower to give 24-hour security to every government employee that’s pissed somebody off? Hell no.

Panel 8.

MARSHALL: There are two ways, and only two ways, this can go. One: you take on a new identity. New friends, new city, new name.
GARY: What’s the other?

PAGE FOUR.
Panel 1. This is a large panel showing a wintery deathscape. Gary is freezing next to an igloo. This is northern Alaska at its brutal worst. There’s a bizarrely chipper WELCOME TO BARROW sign. The subheader on the sign is “I can see Siberia from here!”

MARSHALL, off-panel: If anyone hears that you survived, you’re on the next flight to Alaska under federal protective custody.

Panel 2. Marshall looks frightening here.

MARSHALL: If you make me waste our manpower, I will make you wish the bomb had killed you.

Panel 3. Gary looks very hesitant, kind of cowed.

Panel 4. The Marshal looks eerily friendly/eager to help here.

MARSHAL: Any other questions?

Panel 5.
GARY: Alright, fine. I’ll play along.

Panel 6. The Marshal tosses him a wallet (containing his new ID card) and Gary bobbles it.

PAGE FIVE

Panel 1. This is a fake license plate showing Gary’s new identity. He’s Jebediah Whateley of Barrow, Alaska. It’s inside a wallet.

GARY: Jebediah!?
MARSHAL: If it’s a problem, I can book you a flight to your igloo. Just let me know, Mr. Whateley.

Panel 2. Gary stewing silently in anger.

Panel 3.
MARSHAL: Excellent. In that case, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, DC. Good luck finding work. Remember, only government jobs and nothing in the IRS… Jebediah.

Panel 4. Gary shows gritted teeth as the marshal leaves.

Panel 5. Gary leaves the room and meets a somewhat dumb-looking nurse.

Panel 6. The nurse is surprised to see him.

NURSE: Hello, Mr. Whateley! I hope you’re recovering well.
GARY, obviously annoyed: Perfect.
NURSE: I’m sorry to hear about your…

Panel 7. The nurse reads a medical notepad (Gary’s file).
NURSE: …stove explosion. The good news is that the burns were pretty mild and there was hardly enough shrapnel to kill a squirrel.

Panel 8.
GARY (indignant): “A stove explosion?”
NURSE: Yeah, it’s the fifth case this year! I’ve never had any of these outside of DC.

PAGE SIX.
Panel 1. Gary looks irritated.
GARY: You know us government types. Always getting into trouble.

Panel 2.
NURSE: Government? Wait, I know! You’re…

Panel 3. The nurse looks like she’s just had a “eureka!” moment. Gary looks extremely nervous– he thinks that he’s been found out already and will have to go to Alaska.

GARY, thought: (an image of the Alaskan wasteland).

Panel 4. Nurse points a finger at him.
NURSE: …with the CIA! Did the KGB boobytrap your stove?

Panel 5.
GARY: Umm, yeah.
NURSE: Oh, wow! I appreciate your service so much. Please keep up for the good work. Just check the stove first next time.

Panel 6. He rolls his eyes as she smiles widely at him from behind.
GARY: Thanks. I’ll try to.

Panel 7. Gary has his phone out and she’s gone.
GARY: Hello, I’d like a cab pickup…

PAGE SEVEN.
Panel 1. Gary’s sitting in his unfurnished apartment, writing away at a sheet of paper. The apartment should feel unnaturally empty and boring.
NARRATION: US Marshal Safehouse #247, assigned to “Jebediah Whateley.”

Panel 2. We shift to the sheet. It has two columns, one that says JOB APPLICATION ASSETS and another that says LIABILITIES. He’s having more success filling up the liabilities. At this point, he has “can’t talk about why I left the IRS” and “I can only work for a year!” and “Jebediah, really?” in liabilities. The only asset he can think of is “Good with numbers.”

Panels 3-5 are three small panels. In 3, his stomach growls. In 4, we see him checking the pantry but finding it empty. In 5, he finds the refrigerator empty.

Panel 6. Cut to a restaurant. Gary’s eating a burger next to a woman at the bar. Make this look a lot more lively and fun.

GARY: So, where do you work?
WOMAN: K Street. You?

Panel 7. Gary explains he’s unemployed, but she’s extremely unimpressed and not having any of it. This should be obvious to Gary.
GARY: Umm, I’m between jobs.

Panel 8. Gary blushes, embarrassed by her reaction. The waiter is looking on from the side.
GARY: It’s not my fault! I’m looking!

Panel 9. She leaves. Gary facepalms.

Panel 10. The waiter commits an awkward gaffe, annoying Gary.

WAITER: You’re still going to tip, right?
GARY (small text): Not anymore.

PAGE EIGHT
Panel 1. Gary’s writing some more. He looks tired and it’s getting late. Some time has passed since the last panel. (For example, he has several empty beer mugs next to him).

Panel 2. We see that he has filled in more job liabilities. “No contacts outside of IRS.” “No work experience I can actually mention.” “Still smell like smoke.” He has only added one more asset, “Other agencies need accountants now, right?” (Scrawled next to this, in capitals and underlined: NOT TAX SEASON [frowny face] )

Panel 3. Still working on the list. He adds “Able to do” under assets. Make it clear that he’s still writing out the phrase.

Panel 4. He pauses in thought, frowning. He looks really tired.

Panel 5. He scratches out the word Able and replaces it with Willing, and writes in the word anything, so that it has become “Willing to do anything.”

Panel 6. His head hits the table and he’s out cold.

GARY SOUND EFFECT: Zzzzz

PAGE NINE

Panel 1. The bartender’s on the phone. (Talking to a cabbie).

BARTENDER: Okay. I’ll send him out.

Panel 2. The bartender has hung up.
BARTENDER: His cab’s here. Want to take him out?
WAITER: No tip, no service.

Panel 3. The bartender unhappily drags Gary outside.

Panel 4.
CABBIE: Where’s he going?
(The bartender hands him Gary’s wallet).

Panel 5.
CABBIE: “Jebediah Whateley.” You gave an Amish guy enough liquor to make him pass out?
BARTENDER: Three Buds!

Panel 6. They heave Gary into the backseat.

Panel 7. The bartender has turned to leave.
CABBIE, to himself: Dammit. No way I’m getting a tip on this one.

]]> By: B. Mac http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44404 B. Mac Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:16:22 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44404 Okay, here are pages 5-8. <br /> PAGE FIVE <br /> Panel 1. This is a fake license plate showing Gary's new identity. He's Jebediah Whateley of Barrow, Alaska. It's inside a wallet. <br /> GARY: Jebediah!? MARSHAL: If it's a problem, I can book you a flight to your igloo. Just let me know. <br /> Panel 2. Gary stewing silently in anger. <br /> Panel 3. <br . MARSHAL: Excellent. In that case, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, DC. Good luck finding work. Remember, only government jobs and nothing in the IRS... Jebediah. <br/> Panel 4. Gary shows gritted teeth as the marshal leaves. <br /> Panel 5. Gary leaves the room and meets a somewhat dumb-looking nurse. <br /> Panel 6. The nurse is surprised to see him. <br /> NURSE: Hello, Mr. Whateley! I hope you're recovering well. GARY, obviously annoyed: Perfect. NURSE: I'm sorry to hear about your... <br /> Panel 7. The nurse reads a medical notepad (Gary's file). NURSE: ...stove explosion. The good news is that the burns were pretty mild and there was hardly enough shrapnel to kill a squirrel. <br /> Panel 8. GARY (indignant): "A <i>stove explosion</i>?" NURSE: Yeah, it's the fifth case this year! I've never had any of these outside of DC. <br /> PAGE SIX. <br /> Panel 1. Gary looks irritated. GARY: You know us government types. Always getting into trouble. <br /> Panel 2. NURSE: Government? Wait, I know! You're... <br /> Panel 3. The nurse looks like she's just had a "eureka!" moment. Gary looks extremely nervous-- he thinks that he's been found out already and will have to go to Alaska. <br /> GARY, thought: (an image of the Alaskan wasteland). <br /> Panel 4. Nurse points a finger at him. <br /> NURSE: ...with the CIA! Did the KGB boobytrap your stove? <br /> Panel 5. <br /> GARY: Umm, yeah. NURSE: Oh, wow! I appreciate your service so much. Please keep up for the good work. Just check the stove first next time. <br /> Panel 6. He rolls his eyes as she smiles widely at him from behind. GARY: Thanks. I'll try to. <br /> Panel 7. Gary has his phone out and she's gone. <br /> GARY: Hello, I'd like to order a cab... <br /> PAGE SEVEN. Panel 1. Gary's sitting in his unfurnished apartment, writing away at a sheet of paper. The apartment should feel unnaturally empty and boring. NARRATION: US Marshal Safehouse #247, assigned to "Jebediah Whateley." <br /> Panel 2. We shift to the sheet. It has two columns, one that says JOB APPLICATION ASSETS and another that says LIABILITIES. He's having more success filling up the liabilities. At this point, he has "can't talk about why I left the IRS" and "I can only work for a year!" and "Jebediah, really?" in liabilities. The only asset he can think of is "Good with numbers." <br /> Panels 3-5 are three small panels. In 3, his stomach growls. In 4, we see him checking the pantry but finding it empty. In 5, he finds the refrigerator empty. <br /> Panel 6. Cut to a restaurant. Gary's eating a burger next to a woman at the bar. Make this look a lot more lively and fun. <br /> GARY: So, where do you work? WOMAN: K Street. You? <br /> Panel 7. Gary explains he's unemployed, but she's extremely unimpressed and not having any of it. This should be obvious to Gary. <br /> GARY: Umm, I'm between jobs. <br /> Panel 8. Gary blushes, embarrassed by her reaction. The waiter is looking on from the side. <br /> GARY: It's not my fault! I'm looking! <br /> Panel 9. She leaves. Gary facepalms. <br /> Panel 10. The waiter commits an awkward gaffe, annoying Gary. <br /> WAITER: You're still going to tip, right? GARY (small text): Not anymore. <br /> PAGE EIGHT <br /> Panel 1. Gary's writing some more. He looks tired and it's getting late. Some time has passed since the last panel. (For example, he has several empty beer mugs next to him). <br /> Panel 2. We see that he has filled in more job liabilities. "No contacts outside of IRS." "No work experience I can actually mention." "Still smell like smoke." He has only added one more asset, "Other agencies need accountants now, right?" (Scrawled next to this, in capitals and underlined: NOT TAX SEASON [frowny face] ) <br /> Panel 3. Still working on the list. He adds "Able to do" under assets. Make it clear that he's still writing out the phrase. <br /> Panel 4. He pauses in thought, frowning. He looks really tired. <br /> Panel 5. He scratches out the word Able and replaces it with Willing, and writes in the word anything, so that it has become "Willing to do anything." <br /> Panel 6. His head hits the table and he's out cold. <br /> GARY SOUND EFFECT: Zzzzz <br /> PAGE NINE <br /> Panel 1. The bartender's on the phone. (Talking to a cabbie). <br /> BARTENDER: Okay. I'll send him out. <br /> Panel 2. The bartender has hung up. BARTENDER: His cab's here. Want to take him out? WAITER: No tip, no service. <br /> Panel 3. The bartender unhappily drags Gary outside. <br /> Panel 4. <br /> CABBIE: Where's he going? (The bartender hands him Gary's wallet). <br /> Panel 5. <br /> CABBIE: "Jebediah Whateley." You gave an Amish guy enough liquor to make him pass out? BARTENDER: Three Buds! <br /> Panel 6. They heave Gary into the backseat. <br /> Panel 7. The bartender has turned to leave. CABBIE: Dammit. No way I'm getting a tip on this one. Okay, here are pages 5-8.

PAGE FIVE

Panel 1. This is a fake license plate showing Gary’s new identity. He’s Jebediah Whateley of Barrow, Alaska. It’s inside a wallet.

GARY: Jebediah!?
MARSHAL: If it’s a problem, I can book you a flight to your igloo. Just let me know.

Panel 2. Gary stewing silently in anger.

Panel 3.

MARSHAL: Excellent. In that case, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, DC. Good luck finding work. Remember, only government jobs and nothing in the IRS... Jebediah.


Panel 4. Gary shows gritted teeth as the marshal leaves.

Panel 5. Gary leaves the room and meets a somewhat dumb-looking nurse.

Panel 6. The nurse is surprised to see him.

NURSE: Hello, Mr. Whateley! I hope you’re recovering well.
GARY, obviously annoyed: Perfect.
NURSE: I’m sorry to hear about your…

Panel 7. The nurse reads a medical notepad (Gary’s file).
NURSE: …stove explosion. The good news is that the burns were pretty mild and there was hardly enough shrapnel to kill a squirrel.

Panel 8.
GARY (indignant): “A stove explosion?”
NURSE: Yeah, it’s the fifth case this year! I’ve never had any of these outside of DC.

PAGE SIX.

Panel 1. Gary looks irritated.
GARY: You know us government types. Always getting into trouble.

Panel 2.
NURSE: Government? Wait, I know! You’re…

Panel 3. The nurse looks like she’s just had a “eureka!” moment. Gary looks extremely nervous– he thinks that he’s been found out already and will have to go to Alaska.

GARY, thought: (an image of the Alaskan wasteland).

Panel 4. Nurse points a finger at him.

NURSE: …with the CIA! Did the KGB boobytrap your stove?

Panel 5.

GARY: Umm, yeah.
NURSE: Oh, wow! I appreciate your service so much. Please keep up for the good work. Just check the stove first next time.

Panel 6. He rolls his eyes as she smiles widely at him from behind.
GARY: Thanks. I’ll try to.

Panel 7. Gary has his phone out and she’s gone.

GARY: Hello, I’d like to order a cab…

PAGE SEVEN.
Panel 1. Gary’s sitting in his unfurnished apartment, writing away at a sheet of paper. The apartment should feel unnaturally empty and boring.
NARRATION: US Marshal Safehouse #247, assigned to “Jebediah Whateley.”

Panel 2. We shift to the sheet. It has two columns, one that says JOB APPLICATION ASSETS and another that says LIABILITIES. He’s having more success filling up the liabilities. At this point, he has “can’t talk about why I left the IRS” and “I can only work for a year!” and “Jebediah, really?” in liabilities. The only asset he can think of is “Good with numbers.”

Panels 3-5 are three small panels. In 3, his stomach growls. In 4, we see him checking the pantry but finding it empty. In 5, he finds the refrigerator empty.

Panel 6. Cut to a restaurant. Gary’s eating a burger next to a woman at the bar. Make this look a lot more lively and fun.

GARY: So, where do you work?
WOMAN: K Street. You?

Panel 7. Gary explains he’s unemployed, but she’s extremely unimpressed and not having any of it. This should be obvious to Gary.

GARY: Umm, I’m between jobs.

Panel 8. Gary blushes, embarrassed by her reaction. The waiter is looking on from the side.

GARY: It’s not my fault! I’m looking!

Panel 9. She leaves. Gary facepalms.

Panel 10. The waiter commits an awkward gaffe, annoying Gary.

WAITER: You’re still going to tip, right?
GARY (small text): Not anymore.

PAGE EIGHT

Panel 1. Gary’s writing some more. He looks tired and it’s getting late. Some time has passed since the last panel. (For example, he has several empty beer mugs next to him).

Panel 2. We see that he has filled in more job liabilities. “No contacts outside of IRS.” “No work experience I can actually mention.” “Still smell like smoke.” He has only added one more asset, “Other agencies need accountants now, right?” (Scrawled next to this, in capitals and underlined: NOT TAX SEASON [frowny face] )

Panel 3. Still working on the list. He adds “Able to do” under assets. Make it clear that he’s still writing out the phrase.

Panel 4. He pauses in thought, frowning. He looks really tired.

Panel 5. He scratches out the word Able and replaces it with Willing, and writes in the word anything, so that it has become “Willing to do anything.”

Panel 6. His head hits the table and he’s out cold.

GARY SOUND EFFECT: Zzzzz

PAGE NINE

Panel 1. The bartender’s on the phone. (Talking to a cabbie).

BARTENDER: Okay. I’ll send him out.

Panel 2. The bartender has hung up.
BARTENDER: His cab’s here. Want to take him out?
WAITER: No tip, no service.

Panel 3. The bartender unhappily drags Gary outside.

Panel 4.

CABBIE: Where’s he going?
(The bartender hands him Gary’s wallet).

Panel 5.

CABBIE: “Jebediah Whateley.” You gave an Amish guy enough liquor to make him pass out?
BARTENDER: Three Buds!

Panel 6. They heave Gary into the backseat.

Panel 7. The bartender has turned to leave.
CABBIE: Dammit. No way I’m getting a tip on this one.

]]> By: Ragged Boy http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44335 Ragged Boy Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:31:49 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44335 I love that last scene. And the inks look great. Sorry I haven't been commenting much lately. School and NaNoWriMo and stuff have kept my mind preoccupied. Oh, and I posted my review of pages 3-4 on its page. I love that last scene. And the inks look great. Sorry I haven’t been commenting much lately. School and NaNoWriMo and stuff have kept my mind preoccupied.

Oh, and I posted my review of pages 3-4 on its page.

]]> By: ShardReaper http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44327 ShardReaper Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:07:26 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44327 Yeah, once you find a relationship other than Catwoman he was able to have. Yeah, once you find a relationship other than Catwoman he was able to have.

]]> By: B. Mac http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44326 B. Mac Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:06:06 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44326 "What are you, retarded or something? I'm the goddamn Batman!" That's the only thing that comes to mind. I suppose Batman's love life is filled with brooding. “What are you, retarded or something? I’m the goddamn Batman!” That’s the only thing that comes to mind. I suppose Batman’s love life is filled with brooding.

]]> By: ShardReaper http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44325 ShardReaper Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:04:10 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44325 I think that AO needs to provide an example of what he thinks is moody. Like a little thought bubble of Batman or some other brooding hero. I think that AO needs to provide an example of what he thinks is moody. Like a little thought bubble of Batman or some other brooding hero.

]]> By: B. Mac http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44324 B. Mac Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:01:21 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44324 <em>This is just a random scene, not part of the script I'm preparing for the first issue</em>. <br /> Panel 1 AGENT ORANGE: I am dismayed to learn that my coworkers do not take me seriously! AGENT BLACK: I have no idea why that could be. <br /> Panel 2 Agent Black snickers. <br /> Panel 3 AGENT ORANGE: Clearly the only thing standing between me and workplace respect is that I am insufficiently brooding. You must teach me all the secrets of moodiness. <br /> Panel 4 AGENT BLACK: Umm, moody? Me? <br /> Panel 5-- Agent Orange does a mocking pose here. AGENT ORANGE: All you do is complain! "My partner makes me look useless" and "my partner accidentally napalmed my car this morning." Boohoohoo! <br /> Panel 6. Agent Black looks shocked and outraged that his car has been napalmed. AGENT BLACK: You WHAT!? <br /> Panel 7. Agent Orange looks vindicated. AGENT ORANGE: There you go again! This is just a random scene, not part of the script I’m preparing for the first issue.

Panel 1
AGENT ORANGE: I am dismayed to learn that my coworkers do not take me seriously!
AGENT BLACK: I have no idea why that could be.

Panel 2
Agent Black snickers.

Panel 3
AGENT ORANGE: Clearly the only thing standing between me and workplace respect is that I am insufficiently brooding. You must teach me all the secrets of moodiness.

Panel 4
AGENT BLACK: Umm, moody? Me?

Panel 5– Agent Orange does a mocking pose here.
AGENT ORANGE: All you do is complain! “My partner makes me look useless” and “my partner accidentally napalmed my car this morning.” Boohoohoo!

Panel 6. Agent Black looks shocked and outraged that his car has been napalmed.
AGENT BLACK: You WHAT!?

Panel 7. Agent Orange looks vindicated.
AGENT ORANGE: There you go again!

]]> By: ShardReaper http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44323 ShardReaper Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:56:30 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44323 Wouldn't that depend on the angle and the composition? Wouldn’t that depend on the angle and the composition?

]]> By: Lighting Man http://www.superheronation.com/2008/01/13/b-macs-review-forum/#comment-44322 Lighting Man Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:43:22 +0000 http://www.superheronation.com/?p=1785#comment-44322 Actually, I'd think that in the inked version, the continuity issue is mostly resolved. Crap, can't think of the technical term at the moment, but you can suppose from the first panel to the second that prior to sitting, Gary pulled his chair away from the wall, which I would think, if given sufficient thought, not that it would be, could perhaps show his nervousness, since he took such a step to avoid the chair scuffing the paint on the wall. The only problem that still remains is the second's upper left corner showing behind his back in the third panel. Actually, I’d think that in the inked version, the continuity issue is mostly resolved. Crap, can’t think of the technical term at the moment, but you can suppose from the first panel to the second that prior to sitting, Gary pulled his chair away from the wall, which I would think, if given sufficient thought, not that it would be, could perhaps show his nervousness, since he took such a step to avoid the chair scuffing the paint on the wall. The only problem that still remains is the second’s upper left corner showing behind his back in the third panel.

]]>