Dec 09 2007
Ask a Gator
Jimmy, age 6, asks: what’s the difference between alligators and crocodiles? Aren’t they like the same thing?
Agent Orange, everybody’s favorite mutated alligator, answers:
No, Jimmy, gators aren’t like crocodiles. Comparing alligators to crocodiles is like comparing college to kindergarten. Or a F-22 to a Cessna. Alligators are distinctly superior, whether you look at intelligence, awesomeness or humility.
- Alligators (A) are friendly and have a skull that isn’t shaped like a demented cheese wedge (B). Also, alligators aren’t flagrantly repulsive.
- Crocodiles plague most of the world but alligators reside in only the US and China. This proves that being a superpower is 100% caused by gators.
- Alligators are Florida’s official state reptile. (In your face, geckos).
Alligators are good-natured and friendly, even when attacked by mammals
Mammals love being around alligators
Alligators are outgoing and neighborly
The gator’s first plan was thwarted by his unfortunate lack of opposable thumbs. But his pizza boy strategy will eventually succeed.
Crocodiles are incomprehensibly stupid
Intelligent species have wondered for eons what the purpose of crocodiles is. We’re still wondering, but it probably has something to do with making lemmings feel better about themselves.
Crocodiles are bad at everything
Crocodiles deal drugs to kids
Crocodiles bring ruination and despair
The crocodile—savage killing machine, or the best argument against Botswana tourism?
Photograph courtesy of Botswana, whose perpetual economic turmoil and total geopolitical insignificance obviously stem from its plague of crocodiles.
Tailnotes
If you found this discussion of the differences between alligators and crocodiles informative, please see my account of a week in crocodile hell, courtesy of the US Congress.
Additionally: if you’ve read some of the chapters of Superhero Nation, Retcon thinks that you might get confused by continuity errors. If you are cleared to do so, please read the attached briefing.
OFFICE OF SPECIAL INVESTIGATIONS RETROACTIVE CONTINUITY BRIEFING
Agent Orange is not a mutant alligator but rather an extraterrestrial using a cover story that we had assumed would be impossible to disprove. Unfortunately, a series of nuclear reactor failures in Florida actually created mutated crocodiles that didn’t resemble Agent Orange. His cover story’s plausibility now hinges on the public believing that alligators and crocodiles are fundamentally different…
Public awareness of aliens on Earth would create political complications abroad, endanger a vital American asset and facilitate enemy countermeasures…
How are gators similar to crocodiles?
How are alligators similar to crocodiles, those demented savages? That’s a very hard question. I’ll try my best.
Crocodiles and alligators have similar aspirations. The difference is that we alligators have actually ACHIEVED our goals and crocodiles are hundreds of millions of years in the wrong direction. Alligators are like the astronauts of the crocodile world: what little crocodiles want to become when they grow up but never come close.
Additionally, talking with either an alligator or crocodile will make a mammal feel uneasy. With an alligator, you’ll wonder why you aren’t lucky enough to have ridiculously good football team or a tail. With the crocodile, you’ll wonder why the hell you don’t have anyone better to talk to than a crocodile.
–Agent Orange