Nov 29 2007

An Indepth Forum for R.B.’s Work!

Published by at 6:17 am under Review Forums

About the Author: Hola, I’m Ragged Boy, college student and aspiring writer here at Superhero Nation. I enjoy comic books, exercise, procrastination, and bouts of whimsy. I’m interested in the visual and performing arts as well as spirituality, the occult, and philosophy. I think I’m generally amiable so I’m always eager to review your work, give creative input, and take your criticism of my work. I look forward to working and improving with you all.

“Showtime” Series Synopsis (Currently on Hold): San Libre is home to movie stars, gangs, and most recently, aliens intent on enslaving all life. With the help of a batty alien chemist, an offbeat teen actor has to put away his Hollywood fantasies and get real to save humanity.

My target audience: 16-25 comic book readers. I wouldn’t mind appealing to more African-Americans as well. I’d like for their to be more black superheroe which is why a majority of my character’s are African-American. I’m kind of interested in writing LGBT characters as well. Fortunately, I do believe LGBT persons represent a considerable amount of comic book readers.

How thick is my skin?: I want to get published at all costs. Spare nothing. Offer creative advice without egotistical fluff.

Comparable works: I just realized that the newer Blue Beetle is heavily comparable with my work. Both star a young, impoverished protagonist who is affected by the doings of aliens. Also, Aqualad/Garth and Showtime share similar water manipulation capabilities. And, to an extent, Green Lantern is also comparable. Spiderman and Static Shock come to mind when I think of my character’s relationships with their surroundings.

What I want in a critique: I want your unabridged, uncensored opinion. Like I said before I’m ready for anything you can throw at me. If your going to bash my work I’d prefer you actually put something I can improve into it as opposed to a blatant “You and your work sucks!” I’d also love your creative input as to how I cam improve. When volatile artistic minds combine they explode into a burning star of ingenuity.


 

 

478 responses so far

478 Responses to “An Indepth Forum for R.B.’s Work!”

  1. Ragged Boyon 29 Nov 2008 at 9:15 pm

    I can’t wait to start editing. YAY!!

  2. Ragged Boyon 29 Nov 2008 at 9:22 pm

    Oh, up-front questions you can answer it in the comments.

    Should I have actually written the monologue he was telling out?

    Did I use “I” to much?

    Are my details strong enough or should I show them more?

    Should I have more dialogue?

    Did I portray Adrian well or is he too much a jerk?

    I know you guess were probably going to answer these anyway, I just had to make sure.

  3. B. Macon 29 Nov 2008 at 11:03 pm

    I think you showed us enough of the monologue. Showing us more of the monologue probably wouldn’t help develop the character or the scene very much.

    I didn’t get the impression that there were too many I’s.

    I don’t have a strong opinion about the details. Some of them were quite strong, like “fourth shooting this week” and the striking way in which the purple monster was included in the middle of an otherwise innocent paragraph.

    I have some concerns about Adrian being a jerk, but he’s a likable jerk. Even if I didn’t end up rooting for him here, I feel like I know why I could root for him (the dream! Hollywood! the young striver! the American endeavor! Gunshots in the ‘hood!) He strikes me as a bit obnoxious, but generally in more of a mischievous way than a “I want you to hate me” kind of way.

    I think you generally toned down his self-assuredness. I think that the improvement is remarkable.

  4. Ragged Boyon 30 Nov 2008 at 7:18 am

    Yeah I’m still not that fluent in punctuation, even though I have improved. I won’t give the alien a paragraph, but I may give him a sentence. I do have to work on authorial distance from my character, he’s basically my twin right now. Except I’m good in Algebra, teachers don’t interrupt my daydreaming, I don’t get written up (even when I act up heehee)

  5. Ragged Boyon 30 Nov 2008 at 7:35 am

    You should probably put brett’s forum somewhere he can find it easily. I typed in “An Indepth Forum for Brett’s Work” and mine came up. Woooooohh, we’re the same person in two bodies.

  6. Bretton 30 Nov 2008 at 11:07 am

    Cool, yet creepy.

  7. Bretton 30 Nov 2008 at 4:17 pm

    Ok. First, this is some great work. Second, this line: “It’s a funny school, like everyone was in a rush to grow up. ” reminded me of The Joker’s line in TDK: “It’s a funny world we live in.” Not particularly good or bad. Just interesting. Also, a way to give Adrian some distance from you would probably be:

    1. You’re gonna hate me for this, but you could give him a different ethnicity. I’m not sure how that will affect what you have planned though, so take that with a grain of salt…um, make that a HUGE shaker of salt.

    2. Make him slightly rebellious, but do it in a way that makes him likeable and makes us think he’s a hero, even if the authorities think otherwise. An example of this would be TJ Detweiler from the Recess series. If you’re not familiar, try Wikipedia. TJ was a master prankster and was constantly on the bad side of school authorities, but his roguish charm and his distinctly elementary set of morals made him very likeable, and even heroic. So what if he did string the Principal’s underwear on the flag pole and spray the Superintendent with a hose? If you give Adrian something like that, he’ll be not only more distant from you, but a really cool character.

    Thoughts?

  8. B. Macon 30 Nov 2008 at 8:22 pm

    With regards to the race issue. I found it refreshing that Adrian doesn’t appear to be the victim of race-based discrimination. Too often, I think, black heroes get typecast as persecution victims. I was extremely pleased that race doesn’t seem to factor into the equation when his teacher and he have a spat. In contrast, if race had come up, it would probably have marginalized the character’s individuality. Also, when race comes up in R.B.’s work, it tends to be black-on-black racism (“you’re acting white!”) rather than black-on-white or white-on-black racism. B-on-B and W-on-W strike me as more interesting because they allow more room for individuality and are generally rarer.

    Another thing I think that R.B. handled well about Adrian and Adrian’s race is that Adrian beats the two most common cultural archetypes for a black character: 1) the stereotypical black that likes rap and basketball and talks like Jake Long, a la Blokhedz, and 2) Virgil Hawkins/Static Shock, an essentially race-less character whose blackness only manifests itself in a few very special episodes about racism and coming together that don’t feel like part of the same show. I think Adrian is a pretty fresh combination of the two archetypes, although maybe closer to the Static Shock side.

  9. Ragged Boyon 30 Nov 2008 at 8:37 pm

    Yeah, I definitely want to keep him black. I love that blacks liking rock is so forbidden and strange in cultural society. Whenever I tell people I HATE Rap,R&B, Hip-Hop, and Soul they give me the strangest look and say “What do you listen to then??!!!”. Wow, people are really close-minded. There will be some racially based parts though, especially with the alien mentors who think that different races are like different species of human haha. They’ll be confused about Adrian.

    “He has the flesh of the brown beings, but speaks like the white being. He must be a new breed of human!!!. Dissect him!!

  10. Ragged Boyon 30 Nov 2008 at 8:39 pm

    Well tomorrow I’m going to fix this intro up, post it, and try to move on. I don’t want to get caught up on the first couple of pages.

  11. Ragged Boyon 03 Dec 2008 at 6:46 am

    My productivity has been way down, I haven’t even opened Word since the last comment. I may get to it today. I’m also bogged down by school. It’s easy, but I’m lazy.

  12. Ragged Boyon 03 Dec 2008 at 8:33 pm

    I sat in my school’s auditorium, patting my feet and tapping my fingers on the armrest. When’s it gonna to be my turn, I thought. In my head, I began to go over the monologue, planning every nuance and movement perfectly, just like I rehearsed hours the night before. My turn was coming, but not soon enough. I leaned back listening to the rock on my mp3 player. Rock made everything better. I’m often picked on for listening to the genre, being black and all, but it doesn’t bother me. The monologue was short, 5 minutes at the most and I would perform it flawlessly.

    I began to drift off, thinking of life in the fast lane. Beautiful woman at every corner, private jets to take me around the world, and making box office hits, winning me Oscars. My eyes plopped open at the sound of something monstrous. I quickly sat up in horror as the next performer read aloud their monologue. No! Not their monologue, my monologue! Impossible, that part was meant for me. My jaw dropped, my eyes gaping as he acted out the piece. No stumbling, no monotone, no overacting. He swooned across the stage; each line rang in my head each striking all the right emotions, my heart dropped at the thought. A perfect reading. I cowered inside, but quickly shook it off, it was my turn. Competition always made getting the part even more difficult than it already was. He was finally done, “Great job Eric! Adrian you’re up next” the director called out.

    I walked up to the stage and past the last performer. We stopped at the same time turning towards each other. I glared at him with a smirk, he did the same.

    “Break a leg,” he said sarcastically.

    “I intend to. Oh, and by the way you skipped line nine.” I watched as he second guessed himself, laughing inside at the lie I had told. I wasn’t usually competitive; in fact I had never played a sport or been on a team. Theatre was different though, it was my passion. The lead role had to be mine; it would be the first stepping stone into the flashing lights of Hollywood. I had to give it all I had.

    I mustered up all my focus and began to recite the piece. “The drugs are gone, and now the police are on my ass.” I glanced at Eric. He knew it was game on. I breezed through the monologue perfectly, but when I was just getting to most dramatic part, when Deon kills his boss, gunshots rang out and everyone hit the floor. Another shooting, fourth one this week. Perfect, now my monologue is ruined, I thought. “Okay, lets wrap this up later” the director said dusting himself off.

    I jumped up, fists tightly clenched. “Wait! Why? Gunshots aren’t new. We know people shouldn’t be shooting, it’s horrible, but why do we have to stop?” I asked.
    “Well it’s not just because of the shots, look at the time” the director pointed to the clock. Crap, two minutes to seven, class was about to start. I let out a sigh of disappointment as I hopped off the stage and grabbed my things, but was stopped by the director.

    “We’re out of time, but you’ll get your chance. The show must go on! ” he said with chuckle.

    “Fine, it’s okay.” I lied. Now, Eric’s performance would sit in the back of everyone’s head instead of mine. He was a shoe-in get the lead, and I’d probably get understudy.

    The bell for class to start rung and I was first out of the auditorium. A wave a heat hit me as I entered the school’s crowded hallway. The usual morning chaos had ensued. Kids were cursing and fighting, selling drugs and going on about sex. It’s a funny school, like everyone was preoccupied with things that they thought were appropriate.

    I made it to Algebra II on time, sitting in my broken seat by the window. It squeaked loudly as I sat down, I was used to that, though, and so was everyone else.

    “The morning announcement chimed ‘good morning New Harbor High School, and what a beautiful morning it is.” I looked over to see a classmate of mine flashing a switchblade to his friend, beautiful morning indeed. I pulled out my algebra book in fear, the numbers and formulas sprained my brain. Looking over the material only made it worse. There were some things I knew, and some that completely baffled me. “Ay, you know number five?” Miguel asked, he never paid attention; I was amazed he even made it to number five.

    “No, do you know number nine?”

    “Damn, we ain’t even made it that far,” he said.

    I looked around the classroom; everyone was staring at me like I knew the purpose of life or something. “I’m not even that smart, why are y’all looking at me!” I said laughing. I knew number five, but I didn’t want to help someone who doesn’t care about school, what was the point, at least I tried to learn this stuff. What little focus I had waned away, daydreaming, one of my biggest hobbies took over. If I get the lead role in the play, I’ll get to perform at the Glitz Theatre launching off my acting career, I’d become a star. I continued my rich and famous dream. The beautiful woman in bikinis returned to the poolside of my estate, feeding me ice cream and nachos as I stroked my pet tiger.

    “Adrian! Enjoying your little adventure!” Ms. Benson interrupted my dreaming.

    “Well actually I was, it’s better than his algebra,” I said jokingly.

    A classmate of mine let a loud OOOH!, as if I had intentionally snapped back at her. She was furious, ripping out a referral form and quickly writing me up hastily. “Maybe the dean will find your jokes funnier” She said.

    “No, I wasn’t trying to be rude, I was just playing,” I pleaded.

    “Mmhmm, well I wasn’t, get out of my class”. She handed me the referral and called the administration office to make sure I got there. It was pointless. She had won. I walked slowly down the hall, dragging my feet and listening to the unusual echo of the empty hall. The silence of the halls was weird; it was never this quiet in this school before. Is the world about to end?, I joked. All of a sudden, I lost my balance falling to the window beside me. My vision blurred as the halls began to slowly spin. I glanced out of the window and saw a figure; it was tall and purple, and scared the crap out of me. I scrambled to the other side of the hall away from the window and closed my eyes as the dizziness faded.

    I stood up, rebalancing myself as I walked back toward the window. I was nervous about looking out. What if that was some kind of monster. I moved the thoughts out of my head and looked out of the window. There was nothing there, just the cracked road and a broke down car. I sighed in relief, and then laughed at my stupidity. A monster? Come on Adrian, I thought.

    I let myself into the administration office, sitting in the seat across from the Mrs. Wallis’ desk. She gave a smug look, a look I knew all too well.

    “What did you do?” she asked with an attitude.

    “Nothing. I’m a good person,” I said smiling. I loved to joke with Mrs. Wallis; she was really friendly to me. She knew of my dreams and often showed up rehearsal to watch me act.

    She laughed “Adrian, why are you of all people getting a referral?” she asked.

    “I told Ms. Benson, her works was too hard and she got mad at me, drama queen” I said laughing “It’s okay to me, it’s not like I get in trouble everyday like other people.”

    “Adrian, get in here!” the dean called from her office as another student left in tears.

    “Watch this, prepare to see Adrian in action” I whispered to the Mrs. Wallis as I walked towards the office. I walked into the room, my eyes welled with water and I began to slouch, if only the director could see me now.

  13. Ragged Boyon 03 Dec 2008 at 8:36 pm

    This is the revised version with a tiny add on to his next goal-getting out of the referral. I added some details and fixed some punctuation.

  14. B. Macon 03 Dec 2008 at 11:23 pm

    True story: I was voted by my senior class most likely to be an Abercrombie and Fitch centerfold. Heh heh. I guess “Most Likely to be a Grouchy Political Scientist” was already taken?

  15. Ragged Boyon 04 Dec 2008 at 2:16 pm

    That more than likely implies that you have homoerotic appeal HaHa.

  16. B. Macon 04 Dec 2008 at 5:20 pm

    More likely, my much-celebrated prowess among the ladies swept me to victory… or even more likely, my friends organized a grassroots “Back the Mac” campaign. I have one of the pins!

  17. Ragged Boyon 04 Dec 2008 at 5:37 pm

    You didn’t strike me as a ladies man, but I guess so if that’s what you say.

    Have you read over the revison yet.

  18. B. Macon 04 Dec 2008 at 5:40 pm

    I’m being facetious. I’m definitely neither a ladies’ man nor a centerfold. That’s why it’s funny. 😉

  19. Ragged Boyon 04 Dec 2008 at 5:54 pm

    Yeah, despite my charming good looks and stylishly thin physique, I’m not a ladie’s man, it’s like all girls have boyfriends now, WHAT THE HECK!!

    I turn into a block of akward, non-humorous, ice when talking to a girl I like haha.

    Me: So you’re the one hitting the girls in the face with volleyballs.

    Girl: ……

    Me: hahaha, you’re funny!

    Girl: …….

    Me: so what are writing?

    Girl: ……….Weren’t you in the middle of learning a monologue?

    Me: Yeah, but I can talk.

    Girl: ……. bye *leaves*,

    I swear that sorta happened to me.

  20. Bretton 04 Dec 2008 at 5:59 pm

    Hey. At least you talk. I have a way of becoming invisible. Sometimes by choice.

    lol

    Btw, B.Mac, have you responded to my triplets comment yet?

  21. B. Macon 04 Dec 2008 at 6:12 pm

    Yes.

  22. Ragged Boyon 05 Dec 2008 at 6:49 pm

    Have you read my rewrite? It’s up there. No rush.

  23. B. Macon 05 Dec 2008 at 7:36 pm

    Looking at it now…

  24. B. Macon 05 Dec 2008 at 8:17 pm

    OK, I have a few minor changes but I think that you’re mostly ready to proceed. The main problem is that it feels to me that it starts out slowly. On the plus side, I feel that the character is developing a narratorial voice that really fits this story. When he says things like “beautiful morning, indeed,” I think he’s very engaging and easy to read about.

    I sat in my school’s auditorium, patting my feet and tapping my fingers on the armrest. When’s it gonna to be my turn, I thought. In my head, I began to go over the monologue, planning every nuance and movement perfectly, just like I rehearsed hours the night before. My turn was coming, but not soon enough. I leaned back listening to the rock on my mp3 player. Rock made everything better. I’m often picked on for listening to the genre, being black and all, but it doesn’t bother me. The monologue was short, 5 minutes at the most and I would perform it flawlessly.

    –For reasons not clear to me, this version of the opening paragraph feels more slowly paced than the last one. “I’m often picked on for listening to the genre, being black and all, but it doesn’t bother me” strikes me as something that could probably be handled in a scene more smoothly. It doesn’t seem relevant to bring what other people think about him listening to rock now because they aren’t in this scene.
    –A lot of the sentences begin with I or my.
    –Is the detail about the monologue’s length important enough that it deserves a sentence in your book’s most important paragraph? What would you think about removing it?
    –It may help to throw in a detail about why the audition matters in the first paragraph. We have a character (a strong and devoted actor), something of a goal (ace the audition), but maybe less focus on why the goal matters.

    I began to drift off, thinking of life in the fast lane. Beautiful woman at every corner, private jets to take me around the world, and making box office hits, winning me Oscars. My eyes plopped open at the sound of something monstrous. I quickly sat up in horror as the next performer read aloud their monologue. No! Not their monologue, my monologue! Impossible, that part was meant for me. My jaw dropped, my eyes gaping as he acted out the piece. No stumbling, no monotone, no overacting. He swooned across the stage; each line rang in my head each striking all the right emotions, my heart dropped at the thought. A perfect reading. I cowered inside, but quickly shook it off, it was my turn. Competition always made getting the part even more difficult than it already was. He was finally done, “Great job Eric! Adrian you’re up next” the director called out.

    –I like his daydream, but the phrase “I began to drift off” seems like a passive way to launch into it. Could you try a rephrase?
    –I’d use more verbs in the second sentence. Something like “beautiful women mobbed me everywhere I went, private jets took me wherever I wanted, and I cranked out hits like they were going out of style. I was a star.”
    –“No! Not their monologue, my monologue!” This is amusing, but a little bit overwrought. Could you try a rephrase?
    –Grammatical stuff. “their monologue” should be “his monologue” if we’re only talking about one person, I think. Also, when one character addresses a line to another, usually the character’s name is cordoned off with commas. “Great job, Eric! Adrian, you’re up next.”
    I walked up to the stage and past the last performer. We stopped at the same time turning towards each other. I glared at him with a smirk, he did the same.
    –I’d refer to the last performer as Eric here. The teacher introduced his name, so we know who he is.
    –Comma after time.
    –I would recommend replacing the comma after “smirk” with the word “and.” (I glared at him with a smirk and he did the same).

    “Break a leg,” he said sarcastically.

    “I intend to. Oh, and by the way you skipped line nine.” I watched as he second guessed himself, laughing inside at the lie I had told. I wasn’t usually competitive; in fact I had never played a sport or been on a team. Theatre was different though, it was my passion. The lead role had to be mine; it would be the first stepping stone into the flashing lights of Hollywood. I had to give it all I had.

    –I’d recommend removing the phrase “I intend to. Oh, and by the way…” and just starting with “You skipped line nine,” I lied.
    –“all I had.” What would you think about “everything”?

    I mustered up all my focus and began to recite the piece. “The drugs are gone, and now the police are on my ass.” I glanced at Eric. He knew it was game on. I breezed through the monologue perfectly, but when I was just getting to most dramatic part, when Deon kills his boss, gunshots rang out and everyone hit the floor. Another shooting, fourth one this week. Perfect, now my monologue is ruined, I thought. “Okay, lets wrap this up later” the director said dusting himself off.

    –I like the detail about Deon killing his boss. What would you think about giving it a bit more flair? For example, “the part where Deon caps his boss in the back.”
    –“Perfect, now my monologue is ruined, I thought.” I’d recommend showing this with a visual detail. If he’s getting antsy, he might look at a clock or something, maybe try to calm people down so that he isn’t delivering a monologue over the sound of people screaming.
    –There should be an apostrophe in “let’s wrap this up.”
    –It may be shorter to replace “let’s wrap this up later” with “we’ll finish this later.”

    I jumped up, fists tightly clenched. “Wait! Why? Gunshots aren’t new. We know people shouldn’t be shooting, it’s horrible, but why do we have to stop?” I asked.

    –The last sentence of his dialogue here is a run-on, but I like the run-on.

    “Well it’s not just because of the shots, look at the time” the director pointed to the clock. Crap, two minutes to seven, class was about to start. I let out a sigh of disappointment as I hopped off the stage and grabbed my things, but was stopped by the director.

    –Well is an empty interjection here. I’d recommend removing it.
    –I’d recommend replacing the comma after shots with a period.
    –Please place a period after the word time.

    “We’re out of time, but you’ll get your chance. The show must go on! ” he said with chuckle.

    –I’d remove the phrase “we’re out of time, but”. I’d also add “a” before chuckle. “You’ll get your chance. The show must go on!” he said with a chuckle.

    “Fine, it’s okay.” I lied. Now, Eric’s performance would sit in the back of everyone’s head instead of mine. He was a shoe-in get the lead, and I’d probably get understudy.

    The bell for class to start rung and I was first out of the auditorium. A wave a heat hit me as I entered the school’s crowded hallway. The usual morning chaos had ensued. Kids were cursing and fighting, selling drugs and going on about sex. It’s a funny school, like everyone was preoccupied with things that they thought were appropriate.

    –“A wave a heat…” I think the second “a” should be an “of.”
    –What would you think about replacing “going on” with “bragging” ?
    –I’m not very fond of the last sentence. “Things that they thought were appropriate” feels awkward to me. Could you try a rephrase?

    I made it to Algebra II on time, sitting in my broken seat by the window. It squeaked loudly as I sat down, I was used to that, though, and so was everyone else.

    –Here, the run-on doesn’t strike me as effective as it was last time. I’d recommend replacing the comma after “sat down” with a period.

    “The morning announcement chimed ‘good morning New Harbor High School, and what a beautiful morning it is.” I looked over to see a classmate of mine flashing a switchblade to his friend, beautiful morning indeed. I pulled out my algebra book in fear, the numbers and formulas sprained my brain. Looking over the material only made it worse. There were some things I knew, and some that completely baffled me. “Ay, you know number five?” Miguel asked, he never paid attention; I was amazed he even made it to number five.

    –I’d change the punctuation here slightly. The morning announcement chimed. “Good morning, New Harbor High School, and what a beautiful morning it is.” I looked over to see [name] flash a switchblade to his friend. Beautiful morning, indeed. [continue as before.]
    –I’d replace the comma after “Miguel asked” and the semi-colon after“paid attention” with periods.
    –“beautiful morning, indeed” is hilarious.

    “No, do you know number nine?”

    “Damn, we ain’t even made it that far,” he said.

    I looked around the classroom; everyone was staring at me like I knew the purpose of life or something. “I’m not even that smart, why are y’all looking at me!” I said laughing. I knew number five, but I didn’t want to help someone who doesn’t care about school, what was the point, at least I tried to learn this stuff. What little focus I had waned away, daydreaming, one of my biggest hobbies took over. If I get the lead role in the play, I’ll get to perform at the Glitz Theatre launching off my acting career, I’d become a star. I continued my rich and famous dream. The beautiful woman in bikinis returned to the poolside of my estate, feeding me ice cream and nachos as I stroked my pet tiger.

    –What would you think about replacing “purpose of life” with “meaning of life”?
    –He comes off as a little bit snotty for withholding help to Miguel because he doesn’t care about school.
    –Comma after “Theatre.”
    –I LOVE the last sentence.

    “Adrian! Enjoying your little adventure!” Ms. Benson interrupted my dreaming.

    –What would you think about removing the last two words in this sentence? I think readers will know he’s dreaming.

    “Well actually I was, it’s better than his algebra,” I said jokingly.
    –Comma after well, I think. I’d suggest removing the word “his” here.

    A classmate of mine let a loud OOOH!, as if I had intentionally snapped back at her. She was furious, ripping out a referral form and quickly writing me up hastily. “Maybe the dean will find your jokes funnier” She said.

    –Comma after the word funnier, and uncapitalize “She” in “She said.”

    “No, I wasn’t trying to be rude, I was just playing,” I pleaded.

    “Mmhmm, well I wasn’t, get out of my class”. She handed me the referral and called the administration office to make sure I got there. It was pointless. She had won. I walked slowly down the hall, dragging my feet and listening to the unusual echo of the empty hall. The silence of the halls was weird; it was never this quiet in this school before. Is the world about to end?, I joked. All of a sudden, I lost my balance falling to the window beside me. My vision blurred as the halls began to slowly spin. I glanced out of the window and saw a figure; it was tall and purple, and scared the crap out of me. I scrambled to the other side of the hall away from the window and closed my eyes as the dizziness faded.

    –I think that her laugh-line would be funnier if you made use of a longer pause. I’d recommend something like “Mmm, I wasn’t.” or “Well, I wasn’t.”
    –“get out of my class”. The period should be inside the quotation marks, I think.
    –I think the joke about whether the world is about to end struck me as kind of out of the blue.

    I stood up, rebalancing myself as I walked back toward the window. I was nervous about looking out. What if that was some kind of monster. I moved the thoughts out of my head and looked out of the window. There was nothing there, just the cracked road and a broke down car. I sighed in relief, and then laughed at my stupidity. A monster? Come on Adrian, I thought.

    –“What if that was some kind of monster” should probably have a question mark at the end.
    –Comma after “Come on,”

    I let myself into the administration office, sitting in the seat across from the Mrs. Wallis’ desk. She gave a smug look, a look I knew all too well.

    “What did you do?” she asked with an attitude.

    “Nothing. I’m a good person,” I said smiling. I loved to joke with Mrs. Wallis; she was really friendly to me. She knew of my dreams and often showed up rehearsal to watch me act.

    –I think “said smiling” should have a comma after said. I’d recommend getting rid of the phrase “to me” here. “showed up rehearsal” should probably have an “at” before rehearsal.

    She laughed “Adrian, why are you of all people getting a referral?” she asked.

    “I told Ms. Benson, her works was too hard and she got mad at me, drama queen” I said laughing “It’s okay to me, it’s not like I get in trouble everyday like other people.”

    –comma after queen.

    “Adrian, get in here!” the dean called from her office as another student left in tears.

    –I like the detail about the student leaving in tears. That does a great job of characterizing the dean.

    “Watch this, prepare to see Adrian in action” I whispered to the Mrs. Wallis as I walked towards the office. I walked into the room, my eyes welled with water and I began to slouch, if only the director could see me now.

    –What would you think about axing the phrase “prepare to see” here?
    –This is pretty funny.
    –comma after action.
    –“the Mrs. Wallis” should probably not have a the there.
    –“I walked into the room…” I’d recommend adding “As” at the start of that sentence. I’d recommend replacing the comma after slouch with a period. “If only the director could see me now” is funny enough that I think it deserves its own line.

  25. B. Macon 05 Dec 2008 at 8:24 pm

    Christ almighty. It took me 45 minutes to read and review this three page passage. I need to pick up the pace.

  26. Ragged Boyon 06 Dec 2008 at 5:46 pm

    Ok, I’ll revise and try to pick up the pace.

  27. Ragged Boyon 08 Dec 2008 at 7:54 am

    I’m having a dilemma. Since the oppurtunity has arised I’ve been in quite the pickle.
    Since now I’m writing a comic script, I’m not sure if I want to do Adrian’s story or pull Aadrello up from the depths of my literary salvage yard.

    I’m leaning towards Aadrello’s story, since I already have an introduction that I like. I’ll do some reworking if I do it. For example, changing Aadrello’s name and stuff. I was being really stubborn when I first planned it out but now I’m open for suggestions.

    So I ask you, in your opinion, which story do you think I should do?If I do Adrian’s it will need an action injection. If I do Aadrello’s it will need some reworking.

    All comments are welcome
    Obrigado!!

  28. Ragged Boyon 08 Dec 2008 at 8:04 am

    I’d even be open to setting Aadrello’s story on an altered futuristic Earth and making my main characters human, to make it easier to work with. Either way I’ll probably end up doing both, I’m just trying to figure out which one should be first.

  29. B. Macon 08 Dec 2008 at 11:28 am

    I’d recommend starting with Adrian. I think the setting will be an easier sell and I feel that Adrian has more character and style than most of the characters in Aadrello’s story. It will probably be easier to sell the Aadrello story with a successful comic to your name.

  30. Ragged Boyon 08 Dec 2008 at 12:48 pm

    Ok, That sounds reasonable.

    Obrigado!!

  31. Ragged Boyon 11 Dec 2008 at 2:13 pm

    I’ve still got quite away to go grammar wise. Then again alot of stuff was typos-galore.

    I should be ready to post a few pages of my script soon. I just need some opinions for my opening when I do.

    I’ll tell you now, writing a comic script isn’t really as exhilirating as writing a book, however, I think that’s because I’m still getting used to it. I do like describing and placing panels, though.

  32. Ragged Boyon 22 Dec 2008 at 8:39 pm

    Here is the beginning of my comic book. I have to get it just right.
    ____________________________________________________________

    Aushaud T. Gantt
    (Street Address)
    (City, State, Zip)
    (Phone Number)

    Page One: Introduction and Credits

    Page Two: Three panels

    Panel One: Large panel. From the inside of an unknown spaceship. An alien woman stands at a large window her hand resting on the glass, her back facing us. She appears nude, but nothing is visible, as her back is shadowed. Her head is abnormally long and she has three fingers, but her figure is shaded, the only light source is that of Earth. Through the window Earth is visible, specifically North America. The ship is very close to the planet. It dimly lights the ship and the front of the alien woman’s body, though her front isn’t visible.

    Alien Woman: This is Earth? How beautiful.

    Alien Guy (Off-Panel): Indeed. I will notify the council. Suit up for landing.

    Panel Two: A shot of the alien ship floating in space. Almost like Earth looking up at the ship but closer. It is a small ship, simple in appearance, behind it the beauteous simplicity of space. The window from which the woman was watching is visible, though, she isn’t there anymore.

    Computerized Voice: SCOUTING MISSION: INITIATED

    Panel Three: The same shot, but this time a small pod is shooting out the ship towards Earth.

    Computerized Voice: RECON PODS LAUNCHED.

    Page Three-Four: Seven Panels. The largest picture (Panel One) goes across the center of both pages. The other panels line the left and right side of the picture.

    Panel One: A huge helicopter shot at New Harbor High School in all its wretchedness. The building is dull and deteriorated. The school has gray and beige bricks. There are lots of people outside roaming the crowded campus. The school is three stories tall and square shaped, it has a smaller square in the center, this is the courtyard. There is a well visible sign outside with “New Harbor High School” on it, but many of the letters are missing rendering the sign almost illegible. The area surrounding the school is just as worn out as the school. Cracked roads, broken down vehicles and cruddy houses are visible. It’s mid-winter, no snow, but color coldly. Leave enough room on both sides of the shot for the other panels.

    No Dialogue.

    Panels Two-Four: Lined vertically on the left side of the big school shot. Each panel shows a different location of the school. For example, crowded hallways, filthy courtyard, and a fight going on in the cafeteria.

    Adrian (Off-Panel) in Panel Three: Welcome to New Harbor High School.

    Panels Five-Seven: Lined on the right side. Same idea as 2-4, but different areas of the school. Behind the school, the sloppy bathrooms, jam-packed principal’s office, etc. Go all out on the drama. (Wow, that much trouble before school)

    Adrian (Off-Panel) in Panel Five: Or as I like to call it, Hell’s Harbor.

    Adrian (OP) in Seven: But there is one spot that’s spared the drama, so to speak.

    Page 5: Five Panels. Panels 1 and 2 take up the top third of the page. Panel 3 takes the middle. 4 and 5 take the bottom third.

    Panel One: A shot of a relatively empty hallway in the school, there are a pair of doubles doors visible and a small gold sign next to them. The sign is illegible from this angle. The cold winter light pours into the hallway giving the hallway a cold tint. Peaceful.

    Panel Two: A tight shot on the gold sign, it reads “New Harbor High School Auditorium.”

    Panel Three: Looking down at the wide stage, as if sitting on a balcony in the middle of the auditorium. A couple of rows of seats are visible. The seats a filled with people, well scattered out. One person in the audience stands out in particular, wearing a orange striped jacket, sitting far left of the stage in the audience. That’s Adrian (just so you know, he is black). There’s a person on stage walking around, gesturing dramatically.

    Adrian (Narration): This is my second home, not the school, but the theatre.

    Panel Four: A tight shot on Adrian’s face, he reading a sheet of paper diligently. He is holding it with one hand. He has headphones in his ears and is smirking, making a sinister expression.

    Adrian (Thought): I have to nail this part.

    Panel Five: A close up on Adrian’s other hand rising off the cover of his notebook, it reads “Adrian K. Gaines: Don’t steal this!”

    Page 6: Five panels

    Panel One: A long vertical shot on Adrian, he is standing and stretching, his full body is visible. He wears fitted clothes, showing his thin figure. A brown and orange broad striped hoody with winterfresh blue accents, dark blue fitted jeans, and orange converse with blue laces. He is stretching with a triumphant look of his face.

    Adrian (Thought): I’ve got it, this is my part. I can see it now.

    Panel Two: A tight shot on Adrian’s eyes, dark brown with a tiny twinkle of gold in the center.

    Adrian: Yup, I can see it now.

    Panel Three: A shot of Adrian’s full body, the same size as panel one. This is one depicts Adrian as way more muscular and defined. He’s wearing gold swim trunks and sunglasses. His brown skin is shiny in the sun. He stands in a dignified pose.

    Adrian: Ladies!

    Narration: Voted Sexiest Man Alive, Adrian Gaines.

    Panel Three: Adrian in the same pose, but now women in bikinis are swooning around him.

    Agent (Off-Panel): The President decides as payment for your last blockbuster he’s giving a blank check to the national treasury. You’re a bajillionaire!

    Narration: Adrian Gaines, Wins Best Everything!

    Panel Four: Same as before, but now two giant moneybags overflowing with money are behind him. A messy stack of Oscars lay by his feet.

    Adrian: I love my life.

    Panel Five: Waist up on Adrian, back to reality, he’s still standing in the same position, stretching with a blank stare and dopey smile, drooling.

    Eric (Off panel, onstage): The drugs are gone and the cops are on my ass.


    Page 7
    : Seven Panels

    Panel One. Tight on Adrian’s eyes, bursting with fear and surprise. Now aware that he isn’t in his fantasy anymore.

    Adrian (Thought): That monologue. That’s MY monologue.

    Panel Two: We see the back of Adrian’s head he’s looking onstage at Eric. The handsome jerk. He is moving dramatically reciting the piece.

    Adrian (Thought): Eric, he thinks he’s so cool, you stole Alicia from me, but you’re not getting my part.

    Panel Three: Close up on Eric’s devilishly handsome face.

    Panel Four: The small audience is giving a standing ovation including the director, the only adult figure.

    Director: Amazing job Eric, Adrian you’re up.

    SFX: Clapping

    Panel Five: Adrian walking past Eric up the stairs steps. They exchange competitive glares.

    Eric: Break a leg

    Adrian: I intend to buddy

    Panel Six: Worms’s eye shot of Adrian, stepping up the final step, as gunshots ring out. (The bullets don’t come through the wall, but a blurry, shaking effect may help establish that they were close outside the school)

    SFX: BLAAAAAW! BLAAAAW!

    Panel Seven: An upward shot, the entire audience hits the floor.

    Page 8: Six Panels

    Panel One: The director standing up, dusting himself off.

    Director: Ok, I think we’ll wrap this up later.

    Panel Two: Adrian jumping up in dreadful awe, protesting the announcement.
    Adrian: What?! People shoot all the time, why do we have to stop?

    Panel Three: Tight on director’s face.

    Director: I’m sorry, but class is about to start. It’s ok you’ll have your chance tomorrow.

    Panel Four: Adrian having already grabbed him things is charging out of the auditorium in the foreground. In the background we see the director still trying to explain to Adrian.

    Adrian: Whatever.

    Adrian (Thought): Congratulations Eric, you win again.

    Panel Five: A long shot of the hallway, cold and silent, Adrian far in the background.
    SFX.RRRRIIINNNGGG!!!

    Panel Six: Same shot, but this time the halls flood with students.


    ________________________________________________________
    I’m scared, did I miss the mark completely? I think I did. I don’t know.

  33. Ragged Boyon 22 Dec 2008 at 8:40 pm

    I’m sorry if it looks jumbled, I tried to space it out as much as possible.

  34. Ragged Boyon 22 Dec 2008 at 10:12 pm

    Wow, everyone is posting lengthy stuff in their forums.

  35. Ragged Boyon 23 Dec 2008 at 8:55 am

    I think the quote that you said that keeps me from giving up is “It’s easier to revise a draft into something publishable than to write something publishable the first try.”

    That always reminds that even if I mess up I can fix it, it isn’t written in stone.

    That was random.

  36. B. Macon 23 Dec 2008 at 10:41 am

    Yeah, the spacing is always going to be an issue for our commenters. That’s one of the things I hate about our site design. Anyway.

    Anyway, I think this is a solid start. I have a few suggestions for pacing, style, characterization, etc. but I think this is sound and workable.


    Page One:

    –Is it customary to mention the page for introduction and credits in the script? What are you doing for the introduction?


    Page Two:

    –I like the visuals here, particularly the shot of Earth.
    –Do the aliens have any sort of expression/body-language going on?
    –I’d recommend giving the aliens more style, personality, feeling, etc. For example, they just got to Earth. What do they feel? I would say something like “We made it. Thank God!” and I’d look all relieved and stuff. What would they say?
    –What are we supposed to feel about these aliens? If they’re mostly friendly and peaceful, I’d recommend emphasizing that in the notes to the author. (Something like recommending round edges, light colors, a gentle style, etc). Alternately, if they’re mostly sympathetic warriors, in which case I’d recommend looking at modern military vehicles for visual inspiration. If they’re kind of manipulative, I’d recommend heavy shadows and harder edges on their bodies.
    –I’d recommend cutting the phrase “SCOUTING MISSION: INITIATED” and maybe RECON PODS DEPLOYED. You could get around that information by having the alien guy in the first few panels say something like “I’ll ready the recon pods, [Title].” If you’d like to use a title here, that may be a good opportunity to develop the alien society here. (For example, General vs. Doombringer vs. Commander vs. Matriarch vs. whatever). Note that I’m assuming she’s in command here, but it wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t.
    –I think this is a pretty good setup for the story, but it may help to tell us a bit more about what the aliens are up to.


    Pages 3-4:

    –You have some great visual details here, like the missing letters from New Harbor High School. (I’d recommend taking just a few letters away, though, so that the sign is mostly legible).
    –The panel layout here is a bit unusual, but I personally like it.
    –I’m not very fond of Adrian’s narration. When he says “New Harbor High School,” I think you could cut out High School just for shortness. The phrase “But there is one spot that’s spared the drama, so to speak” strikes me as a bit too pun-nish. I think the pun feels over-the-top here.
    –I’d recommend giving Adrian a bit more flavor here.


    Page 5:

    –You could probably condense panels 1-2 into a single panel.
    –“The seats a filled with people, well scattered out.” Your artist may be confused about how densely the auditorium is supposed to be filled. I’d recommend something like “There are a few people sitting, scattered across the rows.” Alternately, if the feeling of togetherness is supposed to be very strong, I’d recommend having them sit together to reinforce that this is one of the few places at this school where people are coming together in a friendly manner.
    –I think the orange-striped jacket may be a bit too out-there. I think that a bright color like orange will establish that he’s a free-thinker on its own, without the stripes. (Michael Jackson wore a red leather jacket and that was pretty kickass).
    –I won’t harp on formatting here, but I think the sentences that introduce Adrian are a bit awkward. I’d recommend tweaking “One person in the audience stands out in particular, wearing a orange striped jacket, sitting far left of the stage in the audience. That’s Adrian (just so you know, he is black)” to “Adrian, the story’s main character, is sitting in the audience far left of the stage. He’s a black student wearing an orange-striped jacket that should stick out here.”
    –I’d recommend having him backstage here. He’s supposed to go next, right? Having him backstage will help reinforce that he’s not just another member of the audience, I think. If he’s in the audience, it might be hard to tell that he’s supposed to look special.
    –I like the detail of him focusing on the script in the fourth panel. I think the sinister expression seems inconsistent with the other parts of the scene, though.

    –I think the detail of what his notebook says is pretty amusing.


    Page 6

    –I love panels 1 + 2.
    –The use of the agent off-panel is a bit awkward here. We might not know who’s talking. Also, I don’t think the dialogue is necessary.
    –You could probably get rid of the line “Ladies!” too. I think readers can visually tell that what’s going on is that the dream is becoming more and more fanciful. (First it’s just him buff and tan, then there are ladies, then there are ladies AND money, and then he has a mound of Oscars, etc.) I think this page has a lot of style.
    –I love the visuals in panel 5.


    Page 7

    –“That’s my monologue” kind of seems a bit out of place here. Readers might not understand what he’s trying to say. (He’s trying to imply that Eric is doing the monologue that is supposed to get Adrian the lead role, right?)
    –The thoughts in panel 1 are a bit inconsistent. It is partially in second-person (“you stole Alicia from me, but you’re not getting my part) and partially in third-person (he thinks he’s so cool). I’d recommend picking one or the other. Probably second-person.
    –I’d recommend throwing in a detail or two about how he looks like a handsome jerk.
    –The panel 3 closeup is solid.
    –In panel 4, I’d recommend splitting “That was amazing, Eric” and “Adrian, you’re next” into two separate speech bubbles. I’d also recommend putting the speech bubble to Eric in a bigger voice to show that he was really impressed. The speech bubble to Adrian can probably look a bit more like it’s just kind of an afterthought.
    –In panel 5, some minor punctuation stuff. Period after leg, comma after “to,” and period after buddy. I think that buddy is probably unnecessary, though.
    –I’d recommend adding a canted angle to the shot in panel 6, to make it look more skewed and disoriented.


    Page 8

    –I’d recommend changing the director’s line to “OK, we’ll wrap this up later.”
    –In panel 2, I’d recommend changing the director’s line to “Class is about to start. You’ll have your chance tomorrow.”
    –I like the visual in panel 4.
    –Comma after congratulations.

  37. Ragged Boyon 23 Dec 2008 at 11:09 am

    Introduction-wise, I think I’m going to introduce myself as a new writer, like most comics there will be credits so that will be there too.

    Just so the readers know a little something about the writer.

  38. Ragged Boyon 23 Dec 2008 at 11:35 am

    Whew, I was scared it was going to be terrible.

    Ok, I’ll make revisions. Yeah, it’s very important that I get Adrian’s personality spot on.

    I don’t think the aliens would be surprised that they made it to Earth, after years of space travel you’d probably be pretty self-assured that you’d make it. I’ll play up their astonishment of the beauty of Earth and have alien guy be a little more skeptical “Why humans? they’re so foolish.” They are meant to look gentle, so I’ll make sure to pass that on.

    His sinister expression isn’t supposed to be explicitly sinister be he’s squinting and smirking, making I’ll say confident instead, yeah, confident.

    For the school introduction by Adrian what do you think of “Welcome to Hell’s Harbo– New Harbor High” later panel, “This place it pretty crazy, but I can handle it” later panel, “I myself prefer a different type of drama.”

    Oh, yeah I forgot all about the different types of bubbles and fonts. I won’t go crazy with them. Do main characters usually have a different type of font than regular characters?

  39. B. Macon 23 Dec 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Well, if I drove from New York to California, I think I’d be relieved to arrive. If the aliens have come to Earth for any particularly urgent reason, they might be anxious. Etc.

    I like “I myself prefer a different kind of drama.” That’s a smoother bit of wordplay, I think. For a minor tweak, what would you think about “I’m into a different kind of drama”?

    Confident rather than sinister sounds more likable and will probably fit into the scene better.

    I’m not sure about “Welcome to Hell’s Harbo– New Harbor High.” It makes him sound less confident than he actually is. I think “Welcome to Hell’s Harbor” is fine. I think readers will be able to tell that’s just his nickname for the school.

    “This place is pretty crazy, but I can handle it” is probably telling us something that should be shown. For example, you could give him a confident kind of strut as he’s walking through the school.

    I think each character usually has the same font except when you want to establish that a character sounds very, very different. For example, Iron-Man has a kind of sci-fi font to help convey that suit alters his voice. It might be worthwhile to give Adrian a different font from the aliens, but I wouldn’t recommend giving him a different font from other humans unless his voice is substantially different. However, when he’s in his suit, I think it would make sense to give him a different voice.

  40. Ragged Boyon 29 Dec 2008 at 1:21 pm

    This is my revised page 1 and 2, I tried to follow your idea. Now page one my seem cramped, but I think it will work. I tried to give the aliens some personality, and make it gripping. I’m wasn’t sure if my dialogue on page two was fliud. What do you think?
    ___________________________________________________________________
    Page One: Ten panels. None of these panels are that big, but emphasize color. They to make these as gripping as possible. The dialogue does not have to be exactly on the panels, but should be generally close to those that the aliens are commenting on. Alternating colors in their text will help to differentiate whose speaking.

    Panel One: Two shadowed fingers, one with a feminine figure the other with a manly one, stand in front of a large monitor; the images on it are separated, showing an array of different events. The monitor is actually larger than what is shown, so maybe you’d like to add little tidbits of other images.

    (The female)Alien 1: These are the last of the subject files before we reach Earth.

    (The male)Alien 2: So the council found more likely specimen for the contest?

    Alien 1: Indeed. Let’s review.

    Panel Two: A shot of a man at a poker table from behind, he’s hiding a cards behind his back.

    Panel Three: A female sprinter leaving her competition in the dust.

    Panel Four: A weightlifter lifting a huge weight over his head. Grueling expression.

    Alien 1(Off): These humans display peak physical potential.

    Panel Five: A scientist brilliantly smiling hold a vial of glowing liquid in the air. Lots of
    colors in this panel.

    Alien 2 (Off): For such an ugly race, They’re quite intelligent, I guess.

    Panel Six: A person in a ski-mask holding a gun to a crying woman’s head, his other arm around her neck, like a hostage human shield.

    Alien 2(Off): If not hostile and completely selfish.

    Panel Seven: A woman rushing through a burning hallway, a baby wrapped in
    blankets in her arms. She has a strong expression, determined to get out of the building.

    Alien 1(Off): I disagree, they’re quite compassionate, just look.

    Panel Eight: A police officer holding a gun at someone off panel. Demanding expression, like he’s yelling.

    Alien 2(Off): Sure, if compassion is being able to kill on cue.

    Panel Nine: A woman dress in a tight black dress holding a bullwhip, she’s smiling seductively. This is an important character, Michelle, but she won’t show up until later. She is tan with short black hair, glaring red lipstick on her full lips..

    Alien 1(Off): I’ll admit some of their methods are questionable, but I’m positive about this contest.

    Computerized Voice: Destination Achieved, Landing Pending.

    Page Two: Two relatively large panels, the first bigger than the second.

    Panel One: The monitor is now shown to be larger than it was. It shows a large image of Earth. Magnificent blue, green, and white with a blue glow around it. The two figures are much smaller now, standing in front the huge screen.

    Alien 1: This is Earth? How beautiful. What magnificent colors.

    Alien 2: Perfect disguise for such a hellacious place.

    Panel Two: We finally see the aliens for what they are, Aliens. Waist up. They are lit by the light of the screen. They are looking very slightly above us. The woman is an orangish color with wiry short pinkish hair. The man is a strong green and bald. Both are nose less, and have shiny black eyes. They wear similar black skin suits. The woman looks excited, while the guy looks listless.

    Alien 1:Don’t be such a pessimist. It’s lovely.

    Alien 2: If you insist. Suit up, were set to land in New Harbor City.

    Alien 1: Sounds like an interesting place. I can’t wait.
    __________________________________________________________________

    Suggestions? Opinions?

  41. B. Macon 29 Dec 2008 at 2:30 pm

    –It’s a lot of panels on page 1. I know that a few of these will not need a lot of space (like 2 and 3), but even so I think it might help your ability to space out the page if you were able to cut a few panels. Do you think you could bring it down to 8? Alternately, do you think you could do a really rough storyboard for the page? I think that would help me visualize the amount of space you’re allocating to each panel.

    –Some of these panels seem fresh. I like the idea of using a poker player cheating to demonstrate human athleticness. Heh heh.

    –I think the conversation in panel 1 could probably be sharper. For example, this is a rewrite I did to create a bit of tension and give the female some emotion. MALE: These are the last of our candidates. FEMALE: I’m not impressed. [Alternately, you could try “this is it?” or “This expedition was a waste of fuel.” Then you’d be well-set to characterize the guy as more sympathetic to humans and her as less sympathetic. The guy is Jimelly, right?]

    –I’d recommend cutting the line “indeed. Let’s review” because it’s something that we can observe in the later panels.

    –I like your action shots. The sprinter and weightlifter are a bit obvious, but not too bad. In place of the weightlifter, you might find it more interesting to show a cop kicking down a door or a boxing match. (I think those shots would have more action). In place of the female sprinter, you could possibly do something like showing one of the trainers at a place like Sea World doing a trick with an orca. It’s a bit more exotic and I think maybe more impressive.

    “These humans display peak physical potential.” Since this is the more friendly of the two aliens, I’d recommend having him just make a more blanket statement like “Humans display peak physical potential.” Depending on character voice, I’d recommend replacing peak with “impressive.” I think that’s a bit more relatable.

    –I think that this panel (“peak physical potential”) is a good opportunity to establish something about what the aliens are looking for. I don’t think that vaguely alluding to a contest is quite enough.

    I like the shot in panel 5. The brilliant smile helps set the mood. In the background of the screen, I’d recommend putting in some visuals that suggest that this is a scientist working on something like a serious disease. (For example, you might have a picture of a nasty-looking virus on his monitors in the background).

    In panel 5, I’d recommend replacing “ugly” with “brutish-looking.”

    I think the progression from panels 6-8 is interesting.

    I’m not sure what’s going on in panel 9. It doesn’t seem to gel with the impression created by the first 8 panels.

    In all, of the ten panels, if you were going to try getting rid of two of them, I think that I’d recommend looking at 9 and either 3 or 4 most closely.

    “How beautiful. What magnificent colors” could be possibly shortened to just “Magnificent.”

    Color-wise, I’m not sure how aesthetic the aliens will look. The I’d recommend playing the orange soft and sober. I’m not confident that the pinkish hair or black eyes will complement orange well. As for the green one, I think that’s OK by itself but I don’t expect that it will look particularly good next to an orange alien. My brother, who is more artistically inclined than I am, recommends staying away from a cartoony green.

    “sounds like an interesting place. I can’t wait.” could probably be shortened. Perhaps “sounds interesting” or “I can’t wait.”

    What do you think?

  42. Ragged Boyon 29 Dec 2008 at 3:14 pm

    I totally drew a blank on the alien design, so I reverted back to my outrageousness nature.

    No, that alien wasn’t Jimelly, but good idea, damn, I’m being dumb.

    Thanks, for the suggestions I’ll get to work, I especially like the role reversal seeing as I’m going to change the guy to Jimelly.

    I’ve got to get my brain started before I write. Don’t worry my aliens will be awesome.

  43. Holliequon 29 Dec 2008 at 3:30 pm

    On colours, do you know of the colour wheel?

    http://www.rsc-ne-scotland.ac.uk/ie/Colour_an_Introduction/Colour%20an%20Introduction-111_1.jpg

    On that, contrasting colours (ones opposite each other) or similar colours (ones next to each other) tend to look best. So, orange-blue or red-green might be a good route to go. Yellow-green could also work.

  44. B. Macon 29 Dec 2008 at 7:35 pm

    I’m not an artist or anything, but I think that contrasting colors tend to clash a lot. For example, orange and blue is definitely an acquired taste.

  45. Holliequon 29 Dec 2008 at 9:24 pm

    Hmm. I’m not so sure. I still think orange-blue can be a good combination if it’s used effectively. But that’s really a matter of taste, I think.

  46. B. Macon 29 Dec 2008 at 10:16 pm

    I suppose there’s red-and-green for Christmas but I’m not a fan of that color scheme.

  47. Holliequon 29 Dec 2008 at 10:20 pm

    I agree that the Christmas theme might be a bad one, but mainly because of the Christmas theme.

    Hmm. Yellow and purple could work, though.

  48. B. Macon 29 Dec 2008 at 10:22 pm

    Yeah, it works for the New Orleans Saints pretty well. They have a gold-and-purple, but I think a yellow-and-purple might work for a really cartoony comic book. (Static Shock, for example).

  49. Ragged Boyon 30 Dec 2008 at 5:55 am

    I’m thinking more analogous colors and colors that meld to tone, instead of the straight up color. A soft orange mixes a hard red and a hard yellow. A strong yellow can unclash purple and orange if put in the right place.

    I’m not a big fan of complimenting colors, I crave the outrageous, but I’m trying to stop that.

  50. B. Macon 14 Jan 2009 at 11:43 pm

    Hey, RB. Early today I came across Cybersix, a series that is both kind of dark and heavily cartoony. You might like it. Here it is.

  51. Ragged Boyon 15 Jan 2009 at 6:51 am

    Thankz I’ll watch it when I get home I’m at school now.

  52. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 1:40 pm

    I was lying a little. Adrian isn’t about to be saved just yet, he has just seen the alien. To speed up the pace and play up Adrian’s curious and mischievous nature. I’m going to have him sneak out of school and have him investigate the sighting. He’ll eventually see Jimelly and Lae’ Trell in an alley and then take the survey stake and get chased.

  53. B. Macon 16 Jan 2009 at 1:46 pm

    That sounds good. Hmm, what’s a survey stake and why does he take it?

  54. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 1:54 pm

    The survey stakes are like the real life ones for construction, but in this case they are used to plot areas that have low visibilty and high discreetness, for training and battles. He takes it in curiousity, too figure out what it’s for, how it works, etc.

    Haha, good thing it’s not a mine. “Adrian picks up the object. BOOM! The end.

  55. B. Macon 16 Jan 2009 at 2:00 pm

    OK, that sounds easy to understand.

  56. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Science stuff. Adrian’s powers have a level of thermokinesis, although he (and the Lemorion race in general) can’t freeze water, they can made it frigidly (to the point where it should freeze, but doesn’t) cold and scoldingly hot.

    What happens to the human body when it experiences the extremes of too temperatures at once? (I doubt this is realistically possible unless you’re in outer space without a space suit)

  57. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 2:41 pm

    Here’s the next installment, I tried to make it as stylish as possible

    ____________________________________________________________
    Page 9: Five Panels

    Panel 1: A 3/4 profile of Adrian sitting in his raggedy desk next to the window; we can the desk and some of the classroom behind him, people are throwing things, laughing, and arguing. Adrian stares blankly out of the window, the cold light illuminating his face.

    Caption: Algebra II Class

    Adrian (Thought): Oh well, There are always more auditions.

    Panel 2: A shot of the school intercom chiming on.

    Intercom: Good Morning NHHS, and what a beautiful morning it is.

    Panel 3: A shot of the back of Adrian’s head looking across the classroom at one student flashing another his switchblade in a show-offy manner.

    Adrian: If that’s what you wanna call it.

    Panel 4: The teacher bursting into the classroom, looking fluttered and angry,. She is carrying a sloppy stack of papers.

    Teacher: Sit down; shut up, it’s test time!

    Panel 5: Adrian slams his head downs onto his desk.


    Page 10: Seven panels

    Panel 1: A shot of Adrian’s test, there are numerous scribbles, a few questions are answered, a few aren’t.

    Panel 2: Adrian again stared blankly out of the window, daydreaming.

    Adrian (Thought): I’m stuck here taking this dumb test, I could be a movie set now.

    Panel 3: Adrian is buff again, standing shirtless in the darkened room.

    Panel 4: A beautiful woman in a tight red dress walks over to him.

    Panel 5: They are close to each other, leaning in passionately for a kiss.

    Panel 6: The teacher slaps her hand down on Adrian’s desk, abruptly waking him
    from his daydream.

    Teacher: Adrian! I’m tired of your daydreaming in my class.

    SFX: SLAP!

    Panel 7: A close up on the teacher who looks upset.

    Teacher: If you can’t focus in my class, maybe you can in the dean’s office.

    Page 11: Eight panels

    Panel 1: Adrian is dragging himself along the hall, walking to the dean’s office. The wall has long windows that almost touch the floor. Remember, he’s on the third floor of the school.

    Adrian: I can’t believe she kicked me out. Me! The one that actually does the work.

    Panel 2: A similar shot but pulled back, the halls are still and empty, except for Adrian.

    Adrian (Small): Wow, it’s never been this quiet before, weird.

    SFX: Tap Tap Tap (echoing footsteps)

    Panel 3: A close-up on Adrian’s face, looking out of the window.

    Adrian: Huh

    Panel 4: A vertical shot of a strange blue (the same color as Jimelly) figure, it is blurry but thin and tall in appearance.

    Panel 5: Adrian’s face stricken with surprise and fear. Eyes and mouth gaping open.

    Adrian (Big): What the f#*k!

    Panel 6: Adrian stumbles across the hall, woozy and distraught. Make the background look wavy and weird, or blurry.

    SFX: EEEEEEEEEE!

    Panel 7: Adrian sits against the wall opposite the window, clutching his head squeezing his eyes shut. The back ground is still a little wavy or blurry.

    Panel 8: Adrian sits in the same position, his hands are relaxed, so is his face, he looks up with a tired expression. The background is normal again.

    Page 12: Six Panels

    Panel 1: An upward angle at Adrian, who has crawled over to the window, we can see the ground where Jimelly once stood. He isn’t there anymore.

    Adrian: There was something there, or I seriously need new contacts. Whatever it was I gotta find out.

    Panel 2: Adrian stands in the background, in the foreground the handle to the fire exit is visible.

    Panel 3: A close up on Adrian’s face, he’s smiling mischievously.

    Adrian (Thought): Boring school staircase or action movie fire exit?

    Panel 4: Adrian running towards the door to the fire exit.

    Adrian: I need all the practice for action scenes I can get. Besides it is closer.

    Panel 5: Adrian’s hand on the exit handle, the sign near the handle reads: OPENING DOOR WILL SIGNAL FIRE ALARM.

    Panel 6: Adrian pouts his lips, looking skeptical

    Adrian (Thought): Alarm? Yeah right!
    ___________________________________________________
    I like it, especially page 12.

    What do you think?

  58. B. Macon 16 Jan 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Page 9
    –minor typo. “We can the desk”… I think the word “see” is missing there. Not a big deal.
    –I like the visual in panel 1. Very sharp.
    –The caption is probably not necessary. You can place the scene with a textbook or a chalkboard/whiteboard, I think. For example, if this is Algebra 2 there will probably be equations on the board.
    –“Oh well, There are always more auditions.” Minor tweak. I’d recommend “Oh well. There are always other auditions.” I like the word “other” rather than “more” if you’d like to suggest that he’s giving up on the lead role for this play. Otherwise, I’d recommend reworking this sentence because it does kind of suggest that he’s giving up. (I don’t quite remember where we were on page 8).
    –In panel 2, I’d recommend axing the phrase NHHS. You could do “Good morning, and what a good morning it is.” or “Good morning, students…” Etc.
    –I really like the switchblade.
    –“If that’s what you wanna call it.” Currently, that’s formatted as regular dialogue. Is he speaking that aloud?

    –I think panel 4 is a surprisingly good use of the teacher. Great urgency.
    –Panel 5 is not bad at all. Your artist can give him some style here.

    PAGE 10.
    –In panel 1, I’d recommend making it clearer what the impression of his test is supposed to be. Is he doing well? Poorly? Does he care?
    –Panel 2 is a little bit redundant with the last daydream shot. I’d recommend mixing it up somehow.
    –Panel 2: minor grammar stuff. “I could be a movie set” –> “I could be on a movie set.” I think this phrase would be more powerful with a better verb, though. “I could be shooting a scene right now.” I think that’d be a pretty smooth way to work in acting lingo.
    –Heh heh, I love the panel 4/5 setup and the conclusion on panel 6.
    –In panel 7, I’d recommend giving us a clearer impression of the teacher. Are we supposed to get a particular reaction to him?

    PAGE 11.
    –Panels 1-4 are OK.
    –On panel 5, I’d recommend replacing “f#*k” with either the real expletive (if you’re going for 18+ audiences) or something tamed down like “what the fo’!” if you’re not.
    –I have no idea what the EEEEEEEEEEE! is in panel 6, but I imagine it would be pretty hilarious to see in print, particularly combined with a wavy background. I hope there’s a pretty good in-story explanation, though.
    –I like the image of him sitting down. I think that’s a pretty effective way to show that he’s feeling overwhelmed without using any words.

    PAGE 12.
    –I like panel 1. Panel 2 is not bad but I think that I think it brings up characterization issues. Is running off typical behavior for him? Probably not, if he’s a reasonably good student. If this is not typical, then it may help to see a little bit more of why he runs off this time. I think we’re close.
    –Panels 3-6 are not bad, but I think it would help if you established earlier on that there are guards or truant officers at all the doors. This will make his decision to go out the fire escape more like an act of cunning and less like a joyride.

    I liked this passage. I think it has style and mechanically it is very sound. I recommended a few minor changes but you’re probably ready to proceed.

  59. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 3:40 pm

    Does Critters accept Comic book script submissions?

  60. B. Macon 16 Jan 2009 at 3:48 pm

    I know they take plays from time to time, but not many people read the submissions that aren’t novels.

  61. Davidon 16 Jan 2009 at 3:50 pm

    hey R.B have a look at this for your self

    http://www.growlersworld.com/comicbookpublishers.htm

  62. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:12 pm

    The reason I didn’t want to bring in resource officers was space, I knew that would take at least another page, I don’t want to waste any pages, but I could use this to help characterize as an actor, maybe he acts like someone on the second floor beat him up sending the officer away to find the person who did it.

    Running away from school isn’t completely in Adrian’s character, for comedic effect I want him to finally realize in the end what he did, skipped school. Talk about being lost in the moment.

    I’ll probably revise my description of his test, he’s a slightly above average student, but no genius.

    I’ll make revisions and move on.

  63. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:22 pm

    The site doesn’t really take you to the publishers, only the sites. I plan on submitting to Dark Horse in case you’re wondering. I love DC, but I’m not clear on their submission guidlines, I suspect Dark Horse may be more open to a sixteen year old, first time, comic book writer.

  64. B. Macon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:38 pm

    I don’t think that DC takes unsolicited written submissions. Marvel will take letters of inquiry from writers, after which they may ask for a writing sample. They will not read unsolicited writing samples.

  65. Davidon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:39 pm

    i never said it takes you to publishers but it dos give you a huge number of comic publishers mabey you can use one

    i will proberly send to dark horse my self they seam the most easy going

    can you tell me? do they publsih in paper or just online? or both?

  66. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Both.

  67. Davidon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:54 pm

    great so dark horse it is any more recamandactions from people?

  68. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Yeah, I think DC and Marvel wants people with some experience. If I make it as a successful comic writer, I’ll probably attempt to switch over.

  69. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:58 pm

    Marvel is pretty strict about submissions.

  70. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 4:59 pm

    I don’t know what Dark Horse’s policy on anime/manga works is, so I suggest you look into Tokyopop and Viz as well.

  71. B. Macon 16 Jan 2009 at 5:10 pm

    Yeah, but the problem with Tokyopop is that they’re mainly geared towards real manga (enormous books of not-particularly complex art). I think that David’s project is more like an American comic book with manga-inspired art. My impression is that it will fit in more at a comic book company like Dark Horse or Image than Tokyopop.

  72. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Oh.

  73. Davidon 16 Jan 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Well, I’ll send it to Dark Horse and Image and see what they say.

  74. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 6:43 pm

    I’m a bit nervous about my pace, I’m on page 17 and he’s just now taking the stake. I fear I may have to extend it more, but I hope not. I can get to the main conflict faster by having Adrian be forced to skip beginners training and be thrust unprepared into the first big conflict. He’ll get some training and be further along in the tournament in the period of time between issue one and two. I’ll probably start issue two with Adrian in training

    I think that could work Adrian will be just about to say his superhero name when Raxium, the first big baddie, shows up. He’s an actual alien similar to The Hulk. Adrian will have to use his smarts and basic water abilities to stop him. I’ll have a reason Jimelly can’t help, probably something like he was caught off guard and restrained.

    Now that I’ve stopped to think a little, I think I can work it out. What do you think?

  75. Ragged Boyon 16 Jan 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Science stuff. Adrian’s powers have a level of thermokinesis, although he (and the Lemorion race in general) can’t freeze water, they can made it frigidly (to the point where it should freeze, but doesn’t) cold and scoldingly hot.

    What happens to the human body when it experiences the extremes of too temperatures at once? (I doubt this is realistically possible unless you’re in outer space without a space suit)

  76. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 7:46 am

    Reminder of the two posts above. I’d like a little insight people.

    Surprisingly, I got alot done yesterday. Sure, it took all day with constant distraction, but I got from page 8 to 17, and I suspect I should get reasonably further today, with a little help of musical inspiration.

  77. Holliequon 17 Jan 2009 at 8:06 am

    Two temperatures at once? Urk. That’s a difficult question. If I had to hazard a guess, I suppose the shock might kill them – if not immediately, then soon after. I know that people who suffer severe cold and are warmed up too quickly can die. Maybe it’s the same with extreme heat?

    I think you can take a few liberties with this one, and it would probably still make sense to your readers. I wouldn’t get too bogged down in science, but you can probably look up reactions to extreme heat/cold on the internet, and then sort of guess from there.

    Similarly, I don’t think you need to go into much detail on how Adrian’s powers work. As long as you have rules for how they work and stick to them, I think you’ll be alright.

  78. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 9:38 am

    I need help, give me some ridiculous sounding experiments that seem typical of an alien chemist that would get him into alot of trouble. Anything that sounds crazy, Jimelly’s first adversary, Raxium’s condition(uncontrollable rage, massive muscle, acidic sweat) is a result of a failed experiment by Jimelly.

  79. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 9:44 am

    So Jimelly is a mad scientist? Hmm. A reformed mad scientist, I hope. 🙂 I’d recommend being careful here… callous science experiments may prime us to think negatively about Jimelly.

    I’d recommend having him make some sort of innocuous change (like trying to alter the body’s pH level), which could lead to some humor when Jimelly discovers that his minor change made a major freakshow.

  80. Holliequon 17 Jan 2009 at 10:01 am

    The body’s pH level could be a good one. If he doesn’t know much about how the body works, then he won’t know how much that’d screw somebody up. (It’d probably denature some enzymes, if you’re looking for a more scientific consequence).

    Along those lines, he might experiment with water content, muscle growth (he could be searching for a cure for obesity, if you like, by redirecting fat stores to energy for muscles), nerve impulses/synapses, oxygen efficiency, eye sensitivity . . . it’s quite a long list.

  81. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 10:25 am

    My story is that Jimelly is alot older than he appears, when he was a lab asistant he would fiddle with almost every experiment and mess it up. He gets kicked out of the laboratory. But, he teaches himself advanced chemistry and becomes one of the most prominent chemists in his quadrant. Inventing bio weapons, medicine, physical enhancement agents, etc. Although he is skilled now, he is often plagued by his past, case and point, Raxium.

    Raxium was an old friend of Jimelly, who believed in him enough to let him test his pH experiments on him. The experiment when horribly wrong and Raxium’s upper body grew emmensely, leaving his lower body weak and useless. He sweats acid which also hurts him, and can’t control his rampant anger. I hope readers can sympathize with a normal guy trapped in a monster’s body.

  82. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 10:26 am

    He wasn’t a mad scientist, just a naive and foolish one. But now, he’s one of the best.

  83. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 10:30 am

    “He wasn’t a mad scientist, just a naive and foolish one. But now, he’s one of the best.” I think that’s an interesting synopsis.

    You might want to explain why someone naive and foolish (but not evil) would do bioweapons research. My guess is that it’s just another crazy aspect of his medical research, or he’s interested in studying vectors (how to induce change in a subject, in this case probably how to induce superpowers).

  84. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 10:30 am

    I take it back, he is a mad scientist, but a well-intentioned one.

  85. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 10:37 am

    Hmm, ok.

  86. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Ok, I’m getting to a much faster paced part of my story. Adrian will outrun the aliens, be saved, be recruited by Jimelly, he is almost immediately thrust into the conflict with Raxium, he has to quickly learn to use his water control powers while fighting.

    I have roughly nine pages left to do all of this, is there anyway I can shorten these events. Maybe, instead of the random aliens showing up to chase Adrian, Jimelly comes and confronts him, Jimelly inspects Adrian and decides he need to prove himself, then whaddya know Raxium shows up and Jimelly is detained. Fortunately Jimelly has some water control equipment wih him. then the battle goes down.

    What do you think? I suspect this will give me at least two extra pages to work with.

  87. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Oops, sorry for the repeat of that first part.

  88. Holliequon 17 Jan 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Hmm. It might feel a little too coincidental at the end, there. “Hmm . . . I think you need to prove yourself . . . whoops, I just got myself caught! Guess you better use this convenient equipment that I just happened to decide to take with me, even though I didn’t think there was much of a reason for it!”

    I think there at least needs to be a short break between Jimelly deciding he needs to prove himself and Raxium showing up. It might only need to be a panel or two, though, if you show that some time has passed.

  89. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 2:32 pm

    That make sense, I kind of got that convenient air from it.

    How come you haven’t posted anything lately, Holliequ? Last time I checked, Victor and Zoe woke up in the middle of nowhere.

  90. Holliequon 17 Jan 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Haha, so you noticed. I was really busy with school. I’m sort of working on chapter 3 now, but it’s slow going.

  91. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 3:42 pm

    Most of our novelists have slowed down a bit over the past week or two. I’m not that surprised. Early January is around when most students start getting back to school.

  92. Holliequon 17 Jan 2009 at 3:54 pm

    I’ve got a science exam coming up, too . . . on Monday, actually. >.<

  93. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Good luck.

  94. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Grades went in Friday, I’m not that optimistic.

  95. Holliequon 17 Jan 2009 at 6:03 pm

    I don’t have any real exams (apart from the science one) until May, so I’m not worried. We grade based mostly on tests here. I was pretty please with the results I got in the mocks, too.

  96. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 6:44 pm

    I wish we were graded more on tests, I usually do good on those.

    On a writers note, Now that I think about it I haven’t really planned that far ahead into my story. I know that in issue two Adrian with go to Lemorio and get his alien DNA. There will be a lapse in time between issue one and two, jumping into the later stages of the tournament. The major evil will probably be introduced in about the end of issue two, which will focus on Adrian’s transformation and the tournament. I’m hoping for a slightly longer series, probably 7 issues. I’m kind of hoping for a continuation, but I’ll leave that to the publisher.

    Lets see, I’ll try to summarize each issue (remember this is on the spot):

    Issue One: Adrian’s introduction into the contest/experiment, becomes Showtime, stops Raxium.

    Issue Two: Further into the contest, Adrian goes to Lemorio, becomes half-alien, fight in space with major baddie minion. We meet Adrian’s leftover competition.

    Issue Three: the contest deepens, this will probably focus on a little alien history behind the Council, killer competitors. We meet more half-aliens some good some bad.

    Issue Four: Space trip! Heading to the Council’s central planet to wrap up the contest, Adrian loses in the final, the major baddie’s plan is set into motion, thus, choas ensues.

    Issue Five: Due to chaos Adrian is not de-alienized, Adrian and a few other ex-competitors team up or something to fight stronger minions, Adrian gets aboard big baddie ship.

    Issue Six: Fighting through the baddie ship, Adrian meets big baddie, finds out what the real plan was.

    Issue Seven: Showdown with Showtime, confronting big baddie, I want to leave some space for a happy ending, Adrian gets his first breakout role continues as Showtime.

    I know some off this can be condensed, but I’d like a little space to work with. That was just a cloned skeleton, so it may not even be the real way it goes, but that the basic idea.

  97. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Well, just do your best with the grades. If you’re interested in looking at colleges based on writing programs, better grades may open doors at really solid colleges. Grades and test-scores definitely aren’t the only factors, though. For example, Notre Dame gets excited about any student that sounds like he’s going to become an academic or get a Ph. D someday. If you’re thinking about teaching acting (or anything else) someday, or think that you might conceivably consider it, I would definitely mention that at Notre Dame.

    Other schools have their own particular preferences and objectives, but across the board, schools love candidates that have put some thought into that particular school and what they offer.

    Additionally, schools talk a great game about diversity but often they lean towards students with a common trait. For example, the University of Chicago and MIT love eccentric free-thinkers. West Point loves reliability and selflessness. Etc.

  98. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 7:06 pm

    I’m a good student, but this has definitely been one of my lazier semesters. I’m in gear now, I suspect I’ll do much better from now on. I’ve been letting my wellness issues get the best of me, but I’m good now.

    I’m hoping to pass with at least a 3.5 GPA, and get some pretty ok SAT scores. I’m studying for them now.

    I’m 99.95% sure that I’m going to do much better, I have a very positive mindset about school.

  99. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Issue 1 may be a bit rushed, so I’d recommend minimizing the jump in time between 1 and 2. We’ve just been introduced to this new world and I’d kind of like to see him explore it. (For some successful references, I’d recommend checking out Men in Black and Harry Potter. Minority Report and I, Robot might also be useful).

    Hmm. I notice that issues 2-6 seem largely removed from Earth and terrestrial concerns. It may be easier to sell the story if he gets back to Earth more quickly, perhaps by the end of issue 3 or 4. That will help bring his alternate identity into play. Also, if his struggle against Eric is important for the first half of issue 1, then I think it should probably come up again sooner than the resolution at the end of 7.

    One way you could help keep Earth in the action without cutting out the alieny settings entirely is to have some scenes set on a spaceship orbiting Earth (a la the Watchtower). That will help you insert these alien scenes when you need them but allow you to have him quickly return to his life on Earth as the situation requires.

    Also, I think that his work as a superhero will be more interesting if he’s fighting on behalf of humans on Earth rather than an alien species on a fictional planet. As much as possible, I’d try working the contest into terrestrial settings.

    Character-wise, what sort of development arcs are you looking at? The one that comes to my mind first (which is not necessarily a sign of quality or style) is that he starts out as a dreamer and evolves into a doer. Alternately, he might start as an impractical idealist and evolve into something more cynical and mature. (This is more cliche, I feel). You could play that more positively by having him grow from impractical –> practical rather than cynical. Or selfish –> selfless (he seems to be really into Hollywood because that’s where HE will get the most money, the most women, the most fame).

  100. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 7:18 pm

    Yeah, it’s still under heavy production. I like the advice about staying close to Earth.

  101. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 7:21 pm

    My sense of planning thing out on a timeline, isn’t so great yet. Probably because off my inexperience. I’ll work it out. My story WILL be awesome.

  102. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 7:22 pm

    Hmm. Good luck with everything in school. I’ve been dealing with uncharacteristically severe anxiety issues myself.

  103. Ragged Boyon 17 Jan 2009 at 7:23 pm

    Hooray! I got 100 comments in my forum, I’m still no where near Brett’s 289 and I think David quickly passed me.

  104. B. Macon 17 Jan 2009 at 7:26 pm

    When you start looking for artists and publishers, I expect the amount of comments will go crazy. I could easily go back and forth with you 15+ times about a search for an artist on DeviantArt or drafting a comic book proposal or designing a character. In contrast, I’ve only left 30 comments out of 100 here because the reviewing has been mostly uneventful. “I like these four panels, but I have some word-choice suggestions here and here…”

    I don’t see any major warning-signs about how the plot/characters/writing/style are shaping up. The plot looks sound and some of the writing strikes me as very stylish. I’m not exactly sure how Adrian’s character is going to change and grow personality-wise over the seven issues, but that’s easy enough to fix.

    To the extent that there are issues, I think they’re hard to resolve. For example, comic book publishers may be a bit skittish about a sci-fi, particularly a space opera removed from Earth. (Generally, superhero comics tend to be purely Earth-centric. Space-faring superheroes like GL are very uncommon, and even GL spends most of his time protecting Earth). That said, I find it encouraging that Marvel’s Secret Invasion seems to be selling pretty well. That suggests that readers will consider books even if they have aliens and other sci-fi elements.

  105. Ragged Boyon 18 Jan 2009 at 6:19 am

    As for a personality transition for Adrian I’m thinking:

    1) Self-centered, egocentric (everything should work on my agenda) -> selfless, and considerate(?) (understands other peoples issues)

    2) Dreamer (thinks it’s just going to happen for him) -> Doer

    I suspect<-(my new favorite word, if you haven’t noticed) that I’ll be able to meld 1 and 2 together for a good character change.

    I’m glad you said the thing about staying on Earth, I think that’s really going to help me. Although the final battle (and possibly the end of the tournament) will be in space, just outside of Earth. I was really “lost in space” thank goodness I came “down to earth.” Eeh *nudges elbow*

  106. Ragged Boyon 18 Jan 2009 at 7:02 pm

    What do you think?

  107. B. Macon 18 Jan 2009 at 7:09 pm

    Suspect is also one of my favorite words. Anyway…

    I really like #2, the dreamer to doer. #1 also sounds like it has a lot of dramatic potential, but I’d just be careful because actually showing that trait will probably make the character seem unlikable and maybe a bit callous. In contrast, being an overly passive dreamer is a flaw but one that probably won’t reflect poorly on his character.

    I think that setting the climactic battle in space will probably be kickass, particularly if Earth is close. (Earth in the porthole will make for a pretty kickass backdrop, I suspect).

  108. Ragged Boyon 19 Jan 2009 at 11:19 am

    I’m moving Adrian’s tranformation to issue 3, I’m taking your advice in establishing the training, competitors, and the tournament aspects in general.

  109. Ragged Boyon 20 Jan 2009 at 5:10 pm

    As for Jimelly’s eccentricity, I’m struggling to make this show in his speech.

    Any suggestions?

  110. B. Macon 20 Jan 2009 at 5:22 pm

    He probably has a lot of unusual experiences, so I’d recommend having him draw on them occasionally. For example, “This reminds me of the time I bred a hybrid jellyfish-elephant. I miss Sparky.” This has a Family Guy-esque feel about it, but as long as you don’t derail the story to explore this tangent, I think it should be ok.

    Eccentric expressions. Beast uses “oh my stars and garters!” Agent Orange uses “greetings!” Etc.

    Made-up words. I recommend being sparing with these.

  111. Ragged Boyon 21 Jan 2009 at 5:22 pm

    I’m trying to get a good idea of the amount of characters I can fit into each 24 page issue of my story. I suspect that I’ll introduce at least one side villian per issue. And I think i can develop at least two good/neutral characters per issue.

    I’ll have Adrian’s transformaton in the third issue, so he’ll have his first run-in with a major side-villian or two in that issue. After that he’ll only encounter major side-villians and his remaining competitors. After issue five he’ll be done with competitors. I haven’t even started thinking of competitiors that will help him besides Michelle.

    I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting this, but a general idea will help.

    If I had to ask a question, how many characters do you think can be developed in a single issue?

  112. Ragged Boyon 22 Jan 2009 at 10:28 am

    How hard does this suck?
    ___________________________________________________________________
    __My name is [ ] and I am seeking admission into Leonard N. Stern School of Business branch of New York University. It has been a life long dream of mine to learn, live and pursue a career in New York City. I’m interested in attending NYU for its critical acclaim, exemplary curriculum, and its business surrounded setting. Being in the heart of New York City this university gives me the opportunity to intern and get an, otherwise, preliminary start to the career field of my choice. Marketing and advertisement is the field of business in which I hope to pursue a career. I want to work for a fast-paced company that will test my accumulated knowledge and skills in the profession that I have honed and cultivated throughout my prospective years in New York University.

    My communications skills will benefit me vastly in this profession as well as throughout my time in NYU. In addition, my readiness to learn and confident, but not arrogant, mindset will also serve as powerful benefactors to my success. Academically, I’m an excellent student who can quickly pinpoint an issue in my working process and work it out in a reasonable and efficient manner. I don’t break easily under stressful situations, such as impending deadlines and comprehensive tests and exams, and have a strong drive and ambition to achieve the goals that I set. I’m human, so there are occasion when I stumble, but I adamantly reassure myself that even if I’m not doing so hot right now, I’ll definitely pull my act together before any issues occur that can be detrimental to my success.

    You should select me to attend your school because of my ambition to accomplish my goals, my positive social personality, and my business proficient skills and aptitude. If I was admitted to your school I would strive to maintain high academic prowess and positive social standard, as well as a mindset ready to assimilate any knowledge possible to advance myself in my chosen field. Your institution would be the perfect place to hone my skills and adjust to a business affluent setting; it would truly be an honor to attend New York University.

    Sincerely
    [ ]
    _____________________________

    I’m not good at stuff like this.

  113. B. Macon 22 Jan 2009 at 11:46 am

    Ok, I responded by e-mail. Generally I think it’s pretty good, but I’d recommend toning down the language (no thesaurus!) and inserting more examples.

  114. B. Macon 22 Jan 2009 at 11:53 am

    “If I had to ask a question, how many characters do you think can be developed in a single issue?”

    It depends on many factors, like how much you need to show of each character, how complex the characters are, author ability, etc. Personally, I’d be a bit uncomfortable introducing more than 3 recurring characters in a particular issue, maybe 4 in the first issue. As the series draws to a close, you’ll probably introduce fewer notable characters (maybe just 1-2 each issue) and focus more on developing your existing cast.

  115. Ragged Boyon 23 Jan 2009 at 1:07 pm

    B.Mac, I responded to your email.

    I’m in the process of a rewrite, I think this one is much better.

  116. Ragged Boyon 25 Jan 2009 at 4:40 pm

    I’ll need your letter by the 30th, so no rush.

  117. B. Macon 25 Jan 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Ack! You’re supposed to give me two weeks on that. 😉 Hmm, alright. Have you thought about how I’m going to get that to your readers?

  118. Ragged Boyon 26 Jan 2009 at 5:11 am

    When you send it to me via Word document or whatever, I’ll save it on my thumb drive and print it out at school. It’s supposed to go in my career portfolio, then my readers will see it later. See you have the minimal amount of work. No problemo

  119. B. Macon 26 Jan 2009 at 6:03 am

    Hmm, OK. I’ll send that to you shortly. (If not by Wednesday, please remind me). I have a few suggestions for the future…

    –Please give your recommender 2 weeks notice.
    –I’d suggest including a resume.
    –Have your recommender print it out and give it to you in a sealed envelope. Although you have the right to read it before submitting it, colleges will think more highly of a recommendation that was not read by the student beforehand. Not a huge deal, though. I promise I’m not going to torpedo you. 🙂
    –If you’re going to print it out, I recommend using nice resume paper if possible. If you let your recommender print his out, he can use his own stationery (preferably with a letterhead). That is better because it helps establish that the recommender is credible and serious.

  120. Ragged Boyon 26 Jan 2009 at 9:12 am

    I am including a resume. Sorry for any inconvenience, we just started the class and this was as soon as I could tell you. If it were possible for me to walk to Indiana and get it I would, but I don’t think I have enough vegetarian chicken patties to last that long a walk haha.

    I’m very grateful that you’re doing this for me again, thanks a ton. I really don’t have alot of people that can recommend me, so having a good credible is a major help. <@:D

  121. Ragged Boyon 26 Jan 2009 at 3:40 pm

    Darnit, my computer got the Trojan Horse Virus, it’s not slow on my account, but this stupid thing keeps popping up. My mom’s account is horribly slow. I’m trying to kill it but it shuts down my killing program before I can do it.

  122. Ragged Boyon 27 Jan 2009 at 9:22 am

    I am surly, I should be done with my first draft by now, I pull it up everyday and look at it, but never write more of it.

    I’m going to finish it today.

  123. B. Macon 27 Jan 2009 at 11:05 am

    If you’re stuck, you might find it helpful to start doing rough drafts of pages. They don’t need to be stylish at all. The only thing that matters is showing what you want to do with each page, so you get a good feel for the major plotpoints. Then you can rewrite the pages to make them wittier, funnier, tighter, etc. I find that it’s much harder to write stylishly when I’m not sure what happens next.

  124. Ragged Boyon 27 Jan 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Good idea, I’ll do a rough storyboard.

  125. Ragged Boyon 28 Jan 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Reminder for the letter.

    Also, tomorrow is my birthday, I’ll be 17, so send me 17,000 dollars. Haha

    Surprisingly, I’m not that excited about my birthday.

  126. B. Macon 29 Jan 2009 at 12:06 am

    Ok, I just sent you your letter. Let me know what you think.

  127. Ragged Boyon 29 Jan 2009 at 6:42 am

    What perfect weather for my birthday, it’s raining and it’ll be raining all day. It’s like the weather knew I loved the rain.

  128. B. Macon 29 Jan 2009 at 7:38 am


    Hard rain by ~pixini on deviantART

  129. Ragged Boyon 29 Jan 2009 at 3:16 pm

    What a pretty photo.

    Usually may birthday is awful, but today was surprisingly good. 1)It rained, 2)I get to listen to an awesome jam session with my friends, 3) I was offered bass guitar lessons and a spot in a band for bass/vocals, and 4) everyone was friendly.

  130. Holliequon 29 Jan 2009 at 5:54 pm

    Woah, that’s a brilliant photo.

    Also, happy birthday RB!

  131. Ragged Boyon 31 Jan 2009 at 6:56 am

    Concern: On my script, I’ve had an average of 6 panels per page, usually varying from 5-7. Do you think readers will be annoyed by such a constant amount of panels?

    I can probably cut and blend some panels when I get to revision.

    I can pretty much assure that my following issues will have much more fluctuation, but I feel pressure to cram alot of stuff into the first issue to develop the story.

  132. Ragged Boyon 31 Jan 2009 at 7:56 am

    This picks up where Adrian has just seen the officer and is going to get rid of him.
    __________________________________________________________________-
    Page 13: Seven Panels

    Panel 1: Waist up on Adrian who has half unzipped his jacket and thrown one side off. He’s facing us.

    Adrian (Thought): Messed up clothes.

    Panel 2: Same size but closer. He is now mustering up fake tears that stream down his face.

    Adrian (Thought): Fake tears.

    Panel 3: Same size Adrian looks around the corner.

    Adrian (Whisper): Action.

    Panel 4: Similar to panel 5 on page 12. Now Adrian is bursting around the corner crying hysterically, we can’t see the officer’s face, he’s looking back at Adrian.

    Adrian: Please help! Officer! Please!

    Panel 5: Adrian’s back is at us he is slouched with his hands on his knees, he’s looking up at the guard. The officer looks concerned.

    Officer: Calm down, tell me what happened.

    Adrian: Some boys…they jumped me… on the second floor.

    SFX: Pant! Pant!

    Panel 6: We see the back of the officer’s head in the foreground, Adrian’s crying face is in the short background.

    Officer: There wasn’t another officer nearby?

    Adrian: I don’t know, but you gotta hurry, they’re jumping another kid now.

    Panel 7: The guard rushes off, Adrian stand upright again wiping his face off.

    Page 14: Five Panels

    Panel 1: Adrian’s hand gingerly on the exit handle, the sign near the handle reads: OPENING DOOR WILL SIGNAL FIRE ALARM.

    Panel 2: Adrian purses his lips, looking skeptical

    Adrian (Thought): Alarm?

    Adrian (Thought): Yeah right!

    Panel 3: Outside the school we see Adrian has pushed the door open, no alarm. Think New York fire escape. (his clothes are back to normal by now)

    Adrian: In a world where school alarms don’t work…

    SFX: Clink!

    Panel 4: Adrian running dramatically down the staircase

    Adrian: One handsome young actor must find the blue menace…

    Panel 5: A back shot of Adrian hopping over the last stairway, very action movie-esque

    SFX: Whoosh!

    Adrian: …and save the world.

    Page 15: Nine panels. This page should look like a series of random images, and a meaningful one in the center. The panels are in no definite order, except five in the center. You can cut and add panels as you see fit. Also, use lots of angles. All the random panels should be slanted to convey disorientation.

    Panel 1: Adrian looking over a fence.

    Panel 2: Adrian looking up

    Panel 3: Adrian thinking hard

    Panel 4: Adrian running aimlessly

    Panel 5: The meaningful shot, Adrian is facing us but looking in the corner of his eye towards a narrow alley.

    Jimelly (in his special font): This spot is most excellent.

    Adrian (Thought): What was that?

    Panel 6: Adrian climbing a fence

    Panel 7: Adrian is in the slight distance, looking off.

    Panel 8: A shot of Adrian’s orange converse taking off running.

    Panel 9: Adrian is wiping his forehead.


    Page 16: Six Panels

    Panel 1:A wide shot, Jim and Lae are in a vacant lot surrounded by deteriorate buildings. Jimelly is fiddled with what looks like a landmine, but far more futuristic than this example. Maybe rounded edges and definitely cleaner. Lae’ Trell has her back to Jimelly looking disdainfully at the deteriorated buildings off panel.

    Lae’ Trell: It’s not much for appearances, but it is discreet.

    Lae’ Trell: I still don’t understand why we assigned this city, probably had something to do with your ridiculous experiments.

    Jimelly: I’d be jealous of anyone who found 243 cures for the common cold too.

    Panel 2: The top of Adrian’s head peeking around the corner into the lot.

    Panel 3: Extreme close up on Adrian’s wide, awestruck eyes.

    Adrian (Whisper): Whoa.

    Panel 4: Jimelly is placing the disk on the ground, a piece of Adrian’s orange jacket is visible in the far distance.

    Jimelly: With the experiment beginning soon, this ought to be a most perfect place for training

    SFX: Beep!

    Panel 5: Waist up on Lae’ Trell her arms are crossed, she appears annoyed as usual.

    Lae’ Trell: Well if you’re done here, I’m hungry,

    Lae’ Trell: How do you think these humans taste?

    Panel 6: Jimelly and Lae’ Trell are close, vanishing into a sudden beam of light.

    SFX: SWOOOOOO!
    ___________________________________________________________________

    I’m a little sketchy about these few pages, but overall I think they work.

  133. Ragged Boyon 31 Jan 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Reminder.

  134. B. Macon 31 Jan 2009 at 10:15 pm

    –I can’t quite remember where we left off. What happened on page 12?

    Page 13
    –I think this is pretty well executed.

    Page 14
    –Not sure about whoosh here.
    –The self-narration might be a bit too much here. “…must find the blue menace… and save the world…” If he thinks the world is in danger, why doesn’t he talk to one of the cops? (My thought is that if the cops can’t even stop gangs from fighting in the school, they’d be useless against aliens. Also, I’ve never seen an alien invasion movie where the cops are even remotely effective).

    Page 15.
    –I think this is an effective way to show disorientation, but I’m not sure *why* disorientation is being shown here.
    –“This spot is most excellent” sounds a bit too much like something out of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (“Most righteous, Ted!”) I’d recommend replacing spot with something more erudite and excellent with something that has a different kind of flavor.

    Page 16.
    –I don’t know who Lae is. Has this character come up before? Also, if her name has an apostrophe, I would recommend getting rid of the space. (Lae’Trell, or Lae Trell, but hopefully not both).
    –If the device looks like a landmine, we’re probably going to assume it (and the aliens) are sinister. That, in itself, is probably not a big deal, but then readers may expect that Adrian will act in a certain way (not approach them, go for help, etc).
    –LT’s lines in panel 1 sound awkward to me. Her first line is presumably about the landmine-thing, but I have no idea what it does, so referring to as discreet doesn’t tell me very much.
    –Her second line in panel 1 doesn’t flow smoothly from the first line. Her assignment to this city and Jim’s experiments don’t have much to do with what the mine looks like or how discreet it is.
    –I like Jim’s response in panel 1.
    –In panel 2, I’d recommend showing a glimpse of the aliens in the background. If this is just a shot of Adrian’s back, it’s probably not very interesting.
    –I’m not a fan of eye closeups like panel 3, but at least we know that he’s looking at something really strange here.
    –The line “how do you think humans taste?” seems like a big red herring.
    –“With the experiment beginning soon, this…” could probably be “When the experiment begins, this…”. I like the phrase “most perfect.” It’s another unusual use of the word “most,” but I think it helps establish his character-voice. Also, “most perfect” doesn’t sound like surfer lingo. 🙂

  135. B. Macon 01 Feb 2009 at 4:29 am

    Do you feel comfortable with where you are pacing-wise? He takes the stake on page 17 and then you have eight pages to wrap up the first issue. Here are a few things that I would recommend you resolve by then:

    1. I think we need to have a basic idea of what the aliens are on Earth for, and what the contest is.

    2. A combat sequence would really help.

    3. A scene where he establishes he’s his own man and not a Chosen One. I vaguely remember you suggesting that he will evade the aliens long enough for Jim to intervene. That should work.

    4. Not quite as important, but I think that the aliens are portrayed a bit unclearly. I’d recommend making it clear by the end who’s on Adrian’s side. I think you can keep it broad here (Jim is strange-but-friendly, LT is less understanding or whatever) and fill in the details in later issues.

    5. Maybe allude to his alternate identity at some point? You could use a panel to remind us that school’s still going on as he’s running around with aliens. I think that’s enough to foreshadow that he’s still a regular student even though he’s in a sci-fi story.

    Umm, I think that will be a bit tight, but doable. You’d probably have to keep the action scenes really short, maybe 2-3 pages each. If you’re really desperate to save space, you can end the issue in the middle of the fight on a cliffhanger.

  136. Ragged Boyon 01 Feb 2009 at 8:01 am

    I’m really not comfortable with my pace, I feel so rush now, but I don’t want to get rid of anything. Oh well, if push comes to shove I’ll cut some earlier stuff to make room.

    Yeah,that last page needs a ton of revision, I felt so cheesy when I was writing it, like I should have had some wine too (see there it is!!). I’m just going to scrap that page and start over on it.

    Points 1, 3, and 4 were coming a little later in the issue. I like the idea in point 5, although I’m unclear, are you saying allude to Adrian or Showtime, I think your saying Showtime.

    With the whole self-narration thing, I was trying to make seem dramatic, though, I see I’ve failed there. I’ll rewrite it.

    The action was going to be really short, Jimelly introduces Adrian to the contest, tell him the purpose of it, Adrian agrees, Jim gives him some water gauntlets, just as Adrian is leaving Raxium shows up and captures Jim, Seeing as Jimelly’s base is near a water source Adrian has water to use, he drenches Raxium while taking a few swipes, and then tricks him into hitting an electric generator or he downs some powerlines hat hit him.

    Don’t worry this is going to be shorter than it sounds. 4-5 pages total including the contest introduction.

  137. B. Macon 01 Feb 2009 at 11:37 am

    Well, don’t get down about the self-narration. I understand what you’re trying to do, and it’s just my personal reaction that it wasn’t quite effective because it sounded a bit too theatrical. If it makes you feel better, Brian Clevinger saw one of our pages with a total of one line and concluded that I didn’t know how to write. Heh heh.

    Page 16… do what you’re comfortable with, but I think this page is fundamentally sound. I think the only thing that needs to be overhauled here is LT’s dialogue.

  138. Davidon 01 Feb 2009 at 12:04 pm

    hey RB that teen titan site we use we could proberly start our own RP if your intrested you know give comet a proper story of his own wat u think?

  139. Ragged Boyon 01 Feb 2009 at 1:01 pm

    To B. Mac, yeah I saw that, got a good laugh (not at your expense)

    To David, Sound good, but what’s RP?

  140. Ragged Boyon 03 Feb 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Coolio, I likw aht you did with the header on my forum.

    On a joyous note, I just got a Munny and a load of paint pens, Time for creativity. Each munny comes with a secret item and mine was an axe, how perfect.

    I’ve narrowed the theme down to two ideas.

    1) Disgruntled Employee (an understatement)- The character, fed up with his job, took up an axe and went crazy on his office floor.

    Appearance Idea:
    – Wrinkled beige khakis w/ blood
    – Orange half untucked collared shirt, sleeve’s rolled up w/blood
    – Yelling face with a few blood spatters
    – Bloody axe
    – Shaggy hair

    This one is meant to be slightly comical, playing up the average joe with a psycho streak.

    2) Graveyard Citizen- A ghoul that’s a little more demented than the others

    Appearance Idea:
    – Eye’s crying blood, stitched close
    – Wide open mouth, broken teeth
    – Ragged stitches together clothing
    – Bloody axe
    – Back of the head wide open, exposing sickly brain

    This one is the obvious darker one.

    I’m leaning towards Disgruntled Employee, ever one knows I’m dark, but I want to show my creativity. I’ll probably go with DE.

    Which one do you like?

  141. B. Macon 03 Feb 2009 at 2:59 pm

    DE’s not bad. For a comical feel, I’d recommend giving him an over-the-top expression. Hmm.

    I don’t really know what paint pens are, or how to use them, but I know someone that can do some freakish things with them (and Coptic markers).


    Space Party by *Soap-Committee on deviantART


    The Wrath of the Monarch by *Soap-Committee on deviantART

  142. Ragged Boyon 03 Feb 2009 at 3:03 pm

    What theme would you give your Munny if you had one?

  143. B. Macon 03 Feb 2009 at 3:06 pm

    I don’t know. Do you have clothes for him or do you draw those on? If you can draw them on, I’d probably go for something superhero-related, hopefully something I’d be able to use as a model for comic book storyboarding. (“This is how I want Agent Black to be facing in this scene.”)

    Obviously, the character doesn’t have to look anything like Agent Black or Adrian to work as a storyboard reference, but I think it’d help me get in the mood. 🙂

  144. Ragged Boyon 03 Feb 2009 at 3:28 pm

    If your good at sewing and tailoring then you can make it clothes, but otherwise you draw them on.

    Paint pens are what happen when a an of spray paint and a marker have a baby. I looks like a marker, but is filled with paint and a little shaker ball in it. They’re pretty simple to use if you have precise hands, you just use them like a marker..

    I wish I could start on it now, but unfortunately I have to wrap up my paper plane project, I think I did pretty good. It’ll be the first science project that I ever finished.

    On a positive note, school has been going significantly better. I’m focused and less sleep-deprived, and I’m getting quite good in rhetorical analysis.

  145. B. Macon 03 Feb 2009 at 6:27 pm

    Good luck on your science project.

    I’m also very happy to hear about your skill in rhetorical analysis. I made a surprisingly poor literary analyst in high school because I’m an empiricist. I don’t feel comfortable making conjectures without evidence. “Jane Eyre’s motif of fairies is meant to show the reader X and Y…” Well, it might mean that, but there’s probably an equally strong argument that they actually mean something else entirely or just that the author likes fairies.

    Book reviewing/doctoring is also personalistic, but it depends more on fairly uncontroversial standards of writing. For example, pretty much every writer agrees that writing should only be as long as it has to be. Then we get questions like “is this story longer than it has to be? Could it be shortened?” It’s pretty easy to have substantive discussions about those questions… for example, you can cite passages that are unnecessarily long.

  146. Ragged Boyon 04 Feb 2009 at 5:21 pm

    I guess if I had to have a favorite author it would be Neil Gaiman. I loved The Sandman series and I just started The Graveyard Book. I would like more of his darker works though. I really like his style, he’s ridiculouly inventive, amazing at dark works, and he always have an estranged sense of whimsy in his work.

    Although, he and I write to completely different style, I’m considering starting more fantasy works, but that might mean leaving the superhero stories behind, seeing as magic heroes usually fail. I’ve got all these weirdo creatures and characters dreamt up, but won’t be able to write any of them in my medium now.

    How do the pro’s do it? Write amazing weird stories that are addictive like Nightmare Before Christmas?

    I think I could do it, I’m a quick study. Find their formula and then add my own style and flair to it. I don’t want to seem like a biter (copycat), though. I’m going to write a practice piece of something fantastic and weird and let you doctor it.

  147. Ragged Boyon 06 Feb 2009 at 5:50 pm

    B. Mac, I vaguely remember you saying something about getting grants to help get my comic’s submission get into production.

    Could you elaborate?

    On a side note, what do you think of high-fantasy works?

  148. B. Macon 06 Feb 2009 at 6:51 pm

    High fantasy sells a lot of novels and I’m pretty comfortable with that market sector. However, it doesn’t sell many comic books. Conan the Barbarian is the only high fantasy comic book series I can think of. Sort of a niche genre of comic books.

    Hmm. I’ve been thinking about the grant some more, and in hindsight I’m not sure when that would be logistically viable for you. The main grant-giving organizations I’m familiar with are campus-specific, like the Institute for Scholarship in the Liberal Arts at Notre Dame. Additionally, many grants for undergraduates are limited to upperclassmen (or sometimes sophomores). Finally, a grant from a university would probably require you to have a working relationship with a faculty member (probably a full professor, NOT a teaching assistant).

    If speed is a major consideration, you could try getting a job this summer to fund the art you need and try applying for the grant later, after the fact. (The grant can subsidize a later issue). If speed is a major consideration and a summer job is not viable, there are some publishers that accept scripts without art (Dark Horse, ie). That’s not ideal, but I think it’d be better than putting the script on ice for a year or two.

  149. Ragged Boyon 06 Feb 2009 at 7:18 pm

    A Ceasar’s Pizza is opening up near my house, I’m gong to aply there.

  150. Ragged Boyon 06 Feb 2009 at 7:20 pm

    That’s what I was thinking of for my first novel, a high fantasy work probably allusive with aspects of Greek mythology.

  151. Ragged Boyon 09 Feb 2009 at 7:04 am

    After years of hard labor, I’m finally in the twenties in my script and I’m pretty sure I’ll finish it by the end of the week. I just finished the chase scene, but I want to go back and add some humor to the action.

    Regarding my high fantasy novel, I’ve started planning and, boy, am I giddy. It takes plane in a plane of existence above our own. All I have now is that it starts with a battle of wits between Curiosity and a guard to get into the ball. It’s basically the one up game.

    Guard: I am a hunter, spear throwing, animal capturing.

    Curiosity: I am a snake, foot biting, hunter poisoning.

    Something like this.

    Curiosity is the main character, he is charismatic and inquisitive. He also has nigh-omnipotence to all questions asked, but can also access this reservoir when in his domain. When out of his domain, he can hear all questions for a certain distance, although he can not hear the answers. His ability is what gets him into trouble at the ball when he hears questions regarding an evil plot.

  152. Ragged Boyon 09 Feb 2009 at 7:16 am

    Also, he’s blind but that doesn’t play much into his actions, He’ll say this regarding his blindness:

    “You don’t need to see to be Curious, you only need to hear.”

    This is clearly a metaphor stating that he lives through hearing as well as curiosity itself.

    The story features a weird cast; all the emotions, Tragedy and Comedy, personification of greek aspects of mythology, phrases gone human such as Anna Grin (murder technique) and Pepper Ghost (illusion). Odd places; The Cuckoo’s Nest, The Heart, the domains of multiple emotions such as Curiousity’s Echoing Hall and Deceit’s Holme.
    I know it sounds weird, but it’s going to be good.

  153. Ragged Boyon 09 Feb 2009 at 4:36 pm

    What do you think of the above posts?

    Also, I vaguely remember you saying that you have alot of good stories here on this site, but no one takes any particular risks. What do you mean risks?

    Also, this is a pretty vague question, but, how do you think a writer should go about introducing a world very different from our own? in large doses? or little by little? weird first, normal-esque later? or vice-versa?

    Also, I’m in total brain overload mode right now, I can hardly think without my mind wonder of on some tangent?

  154. B. Macon 09 Feb 2009 at 4:56 pm

    “I vaguely remember you saying that you have a lot of good stories on this site, but no one takes any particular risks. What do you mean risks?”

    Hmm, I’m not sure I’ve said that. Could you post a link to jog my memory?

    The closest thing I can think of is that many writers (here and elsewhere) tend to use similar concepts to what has already been done. For example, Eragon and His Majesty’s Dragon have a lot in common with most other dragon-rider stories. (Hero gets dragon. Hero gets dragon to defeat villain, etc). The main reason HMD is so much better than Eragon is because the author has style and better-developed characters.

    When I leave a comment on someone’s work and I say it isn’t stylish enough, that usually means some of the following.
    –The characters are too bland.
    –I don’t care about the characters (often a likability and/or relatability issue).
    –The plot draws too heavily on an easily identifiable source (Eragon from LOTR and Star Wars, for example).
    –The stakes are too low and/or the plot isn’t urgent enough.
    –The language is too chatty. Chattiness, niceties and wasted lines are the opposite of style.
    –It hasn’t taken enough stabs at being funny or dramatic or whatever. (Note that unsuccessful attempts at humor and drama are often pretty easy to fix).

  155. Ragged Boyon 09 Feb 2009 at 5:03 pm

    I can’t remember when and where you said it. It was when I first joined the site.

  156. B. Macon 09 Feb 2009 at 5:16 pm

    Hmm. Back when you joined us in October 2008, I don’t think we had a lot of stories to comment on. The website only took off around early December 2008 because that was when we re-branded ourselves as a superhero writing site rather than just another superhero comedy website. For example, we added our first review forum on November 28.

  157. B. Macon 09 Feb 2009 at 5:38 pm

    I just scanned through my comments for October and November and I can’t find anything that sounded like I thought our guest writers weren’t taking enough risks.

    Could you let me know if you come across that comment? Thanks.

  158. Ragged Boyon 09 Feb 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Ok, I’ll be sure to look out.

  159. Ragged Boyon 09 Feb 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Today was an inexplicably bad day, all my friends had a bad day and so did I. Weird, I’m sure with some Mute Math (best band ever!!) therapy and a full night’s sleep, I’ll be all better.

    I can’t even think of backwards philosophy, and I can usually concentrate on that in the worst of mental states.

    Time to watch some funny videos.

  160. B. Macon 09 Feb 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Check out this one. I don’t know if you know who Rod Blagojevich is, but he was our ex-governor and kind of involved in selling Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. Umm, yeah, that’s Illinois for you…

  161. Ragged Boyon 09 Feb 2009 at 7:22 pm

    Oh yeah, I remeber him from the news. That was a funny video.

    FU@%%!@##^#%!~^%#(^^@%#*&%^@*^*$^#^%*(^$@!#*(Sucker!

  162. Ragged Boyon 13 Feb 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Ok, here’s the next installment. I liked these pages. Oh, this includes the revision to page 16. I also edited the self-narration to be a little less cheesy and a little more urgent, although, I didn’t include it. I tried to give at least a little more insight into the experiment aspect of the experiment/contest.
    __________________________________________________________________
    Page 16: Six Panels

    Panel 1: A wide shot, Jim and Lae are in a vacant lot surrounded by deteriorating buildings. Jimelly is fiddling with what looks like a pokeball, but obviously try not to make this look like a pokeball, it’s a survey ball; Lae has her hands on her hips in disdain.

    Lae’Trell: You and your ridiculous experiments are the reason the council put us in a place like THIS!

    Jimelly: I’d be jealous of anyone who found 243 cures for the common cold too.

    Panel 2: The top of Adrian’s head peeking around the corner into the lot.

    Lae’Trell: So what exactly is this experiment about and why does it have to be humans?

    Panel 3: A shocked Adrian is nearing falling from his hiding place.

    Adrian (Whisper): Holy crap! Mutant hobos!

    Panel 4: Jimelly is placing the ball on the ground with legs that it has grown, a piece of Adrian’s orange jacket is visibly in the far distance through.

    Jimelly: The council, with its all knowing-ness, thinks that the human DNA strand is the most susceptible to change in the entire universe.

    SFX: Beep!

    Panel 5: Waist up on Lae’ Trell her arms are crossed, she appears annoyed as usual.

    Jimelly: They want to test a series of species DNA with that of humans…

    Panel 6: Jimelly and Lae’ Trell are close, vanishing into a sudden beam of light, this doesn’t harm them, it’s a teleportation device.

    Jimelly: (In vanishing text) hoping that a few will be an evoluti—(text vanishes along with Jim and Lae)

    SFX: SWOOOOOO!

    Page 17: Six panels

    Panel 1: Adrian stands there looking dumbfounded.

    Adrian: But…they were there…and now…they’re not.

    Panel 2: Adrian runs into the vacant lot looking around

    Adrian: From now on, NO milk after its expiration date.

    Panel 3: Adrian’s orange shoe gently kicks the survey ball on the ground.

    Adrian: What’s that?

    Panel 4: Adrian’s hand grabbing the survey ball.

    Panel 5: Adrian closely examining the ball looking perplexed, on the side of the ball facing us, and away from Adrian, his finger has pressed a sensor that has lit up.

    Adrian: Some kind of futuristic baseb–

    Panel 6: The wavy background from before has return, Adrian isn’t responding to the sound so well, go crazy with the face, but keep it essentially realistic.

    SFX:EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

    Page 18: Four Panels

    Panel 1: A wide shot, Adrian is surrounded by three thin aliens, dressed in black, like thin alien ninjas.

    All Aliens: (intelligible speech)

    Panel 2: Adrian smiling awkwardly, shrugging his shoulders, he’s still has the survey ball in his hand.

    Adrian: I guess I can’t just put this back, huh?

    Panel 3: Adrian takes off running

    Panel 4: Adrian is running through the alley, the aliens following via wall crawling and jumping.

    _____________________________________________________________
    I didn’t include the chase because I’m editing it.

    What do you think?

  163. B. Macon 13 Feb 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Ok. To recap, we’re on pages 16-18 now. On pages 13-15, Adrian ran away from school and sneaked up on the aliens.

    Page 16.
    –In panel 1, it might help to be more specific about what it is that LT doesn’t like about humans.
    –In panel 2, I’d recommend breaking LT’s question into two questions. “What exactly is this experiment? Why do we need human subjects?”
    –In panel 2, LT’s questions make it seem like she’s not in command and kind of in the dark. Is that consistent with the portrayal of her in the earlier panels? (I’m asking because I don’t remember the earlier panels very clearly and I’m too lazy to go back 100 comments to check.) 🙂
    –In panel 3, I’d be careful with the word “mutant.” It’s kind of a red herring, unless there are mutants in your story’s world.
    –I’m not sure what to make of the phrase “with its all knowing-ness.” On the one hand, “all knowing-ness” would be smoother as “omniscience.” On the other hand, I know that this character is supposed to sound eccentric. What would you think about a recasting like this: “The Council knows many things… [List a few wacky things they know.] And they know that the human genome is extremely susceptible to change.”
    –In panel 4, I’d recommend giving LT a line like “That’s our cue. Let’s go.” Or, to give her a more commanding feel, you could have her radio in for teleportation (or bulk-matter transmission if you wanna get real sci-fi).
    –I like that Jim’s line is cut off in panel 6. We don’t know everything that’s going on, but I think we have enough to go on for now.

    Page 17
    –Adrian does a bit of talking to himself in panels 1, 2, 3, and 5. It kind of makes sense in panel 1 (he’s confused and talking to himself), and I think it works ok as a laugh-line in panel 2. The line in panel 3 could probably be replaced with an expression.
    –I’m not sure about the line where he talks to himself in panel 5. One way you could frame this– and I’d only suggest this because the character is young and creative and has day-dreamed earlier in this issue– is to him day-dream a futuristic baseball game where one robot is pitching this survey device to a batter. It’s more work for the artist and more space from you, but I think it’s more stylish and potentially more humorous, particularly if Adrian throws in some wry quip (“Hmm… maybe not.”)
    –If the sound is really unpleasant in panel 6, why does he hold on to it instead of dropping it?

    Page 18.
    –Alien ninjas… I like the sound of this.
    –Later on, you might want to explain why Adrian was able to understand Jim and LT but not these ninjas.
    –Panel 1 says the aliens are speaking “intelligible speech.” This may have been a typo. I think “unintelligible speech” fits better.
    –I’d kind of like to know why he decides to hold on to the survey device rather than put it back (particularly if it’s making an unpleasant sound).
    –Panels 3 and 4 look ok, but it seems like this chase is progressing very quickly… two panels in, he’s already on the cusp of making it across the alley and (I imagine) to human witnesses. How much space have you allotted for this chase?

    General Comments
    –This looks pretty good. I don’t have any major concerns.
    –I think you’re ready to proceed.
    –Let me know when you’re done with the chase.

  164. Ragged Boyon 13 Feb 2009 at 5:16 pm

    Answering Concerns:

    LT doesn’t have much knowledge of the experiment, she’s a pilot and engineer, and usually stays to herself. Her general dislike of Earth is that it’s not her environment, and that bothers her.

    Page 17 does have a bit of talking to himself, I’ll rewrite that.

    I did mean ‘unintelligible’ speech. Haha.

    I guess I can slow down the chase. I had him hold on to the ball to throw it at one of the aliens in mid-chase.

    Jimelly and LT as well as most of the other aliens speak english. My explanation is that the aliens spoke latin (and other origin) languages first, long ago they interacted with a speechless human race and gave them the latin (and other origin) languages. Some aliens, probably many of which I won’t include, speak alien languages.

    I like the robo-baseball game.

  165. Ragged Boyon 21 Feb 2009 at 3:55 pm

    I have an important question for you guys regarding my writing. Although, I haven’t really submitted any novel pieces, I think my comic writing should do.

    So, how bad does my writing suck? Be as brutal as you want to be, I encourage it, and I promise you won’t be met back with rude comments from me. All are welcome to answer this quesion if you’ve read my comic script.

    I also have a request B. Mac, could you post my comic script at the top of my forum so people can read it easily? I could post the entire script for you, or you could just gather up the pieces and post them.

  166. Holliequon 21 Feb 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Your writing doesn’t suck, Mr. Melodramatic. 🙂 I think sometimes your sentences run on a bit, but that’s something that can be easily fixed. Your grammar is a bit flawed sometimes too, but I think you’ve improved a lot. I really think you have a nice style – people tell me that mine can be a bit formal. Yours feels more, uh, friendly for lack of a better term.

  167. Ragged Boyon 21 Feb 2009 at 4:20 pm

    I wasn’t trying to be melodramatic. Haha. I think what I forgot to mention was that I read an article before this writing that comment, that led me to ask that question in its vulgarity.

    Regarding my grammer, yeah, I still need a little improvement. I type too fast for my own good and don’t proofread often enough. Spot-on about the sentences too, but I’m not good at rewording things yet, so I’ll work on it.

  168. Ragged Boyon 21 Feb 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you for commenting.

  169. B. Macon 21 Feb 2009 at 9:04 pm

    1. I can post the script above, but could you compile the parts of the script for me? I’d appreciate that. (You can just post the compilation here or e-mail it to me and I will move it up). Great idea. I think that will be a really effective way to introduce people to your script.

    2. I think your script has a lot going for it. It’s generally easy to read, stylish and the the characters are mostly likable and relatable. I don’t know how long it’ll take you to find a publisher, but I’m confident that it’s a matter of when rather than if. (There will probably be a lot of rewriting, though… that’s true for pretty much everyone).

    So it wouldn’t shock me if you at least got far enough to merit a personalized rejection letter, which is often a sign that the author is very close to getting published. A personalized rejection letter shows that the editor is interested enough in the author’s submission that the editor is willing to take some time to describe what he thinks is wrong. Most people don’t get an explanation for why they were rejected.

    So it’d be great to get a personalized rejection letter, but it’ll be ok even if you don’t. I can help you come up with a few things to rewrite and resubmit if that happens.

  170. Ragged Boyon 22 Feb 2009 at 7:29 am

    I just sent the script to you via e-mail. I think I made all of the necessary revisions.

  171. B. Macon 22 Feb 2009 at 7:54 am

    Ok, I’ll get right on it.

  172. B. Macon 22 Feb 2009 at 8:21 am

    I think the sticky blue goo is a good way to explain why he holds on to the survey device.

  173. Ragged Boyon 22 Feb 2009 at 8:35 am

    Yeah, the goo was a new addition. I’m using as a set-up for a “Harlem Globetroppers, ball on a string trick” to liven up the chase a bit.

    Thanks for posting my script up top. I doubt the enthusiasm level for people to want to read a script. But I think this will help those that do out alot.

    New Favorite Song:
    “Civilization” by The Andrews Sisters and Danny Kyle (You may recognize it from Fallout 3)

    “Bongo, bongo, bongo”
    I don’t wanna leave the Congo
    Oh, no no no no no

  174. Holliequon 22 Feb 2009 at 9:36 am

    I really like your script so far, Adrian is great. I like how he’s show-offy and a bit flamboyant. 🙂

  175. B. Macon 22 Feb 2009 at 11:10 am

  176. Stefan the Invisible Manon 23 Feb 2009 at 2:37 am

    RB I’ve read your script and its looking good. I’m just not clear if Jimelly and Lae’Trell are the same species of alien, because they seem a little different in appearance.

  177. Ragged Boyon 23 Feb 2009 at 6:46 am

    They are two different species. Jimelly is a water alien and Lae’Trell is like a ram-person race.

  178. Ragged Boyon 26 Feb 2009 at 10:41 am

    Minor question: What do you think of my formatting in my comic script. Is it neat? Any quip? Is it easy to follow?

  179. Davidon 28 Feb 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Hey Ragged Boy, who’s your next character gonna be for our next story? I’ve posted it and the plot.

  180. Davidon 05 Mar 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Hey, I posted in the new rpg. Have a look.

  181. B. Macon 08 Mar 2009 at 6:40 am

    Hi, Ragged Boy. I came across a comic company that I think you might like, Praxis Comics.

    Most of their stories are supernatural/paranormal and some of their coloring is very daring.

    They also have a few sci-fi series. If you shop around your Sketch series later on, they might be worth talking to.

  182. Dforceon 09 Mar 2009 at 5:52 pm

    (I reviewed the very top of your review forum, up to Page 4; I hope that’s the script I’m supposed to look at).

    The narration is pretty good. Though, from an artist’s perception (an artist other than you, that is) the descriptions may seem a bit demanding (especially constricting to an artist if you give them the positions of the panel). (I understand, and am the same way, that you already have this story planned out, panel by panel, but any incoming artist will probably feel that a slightly different panel layout may do the trick and in turn feel put down, or choked, when he sees that the panels are already there and he can’t try anything else). I wondered about that too (how to give suggestions to the artists without having it sound like they were a MUST). Though, it is your story.

    In Page 2, I personally liked the mystery beforehand and the reveal of the aliens, but I think you forgot to introduce the other alien’s name… that may lead readers to believe that Jimelly (or as they may name him pro-tempore, Alien 2) isn’t as important as Lae’Trell. Or that may just be me.

    In the Page 3-4 Spread, in the narration: Is it specifying that Adrian is speaking as Narrator (as in showing him talking)? In my opinion, in the caption you could name him Narrator, then I think it’d be a must to have someone actually call him by his name.

    Sorry this is as far as I got today, but my work needs attention, too… (I haven’t even typed the script yet!).

  183. Ragged Boyon 09 Mar 2009 at 6:27 pm

    Hmm, you make good points.

    Regarding the strict narration: I don’t think I was being that strict. I think it’s important as an artist to be able to draw objectively instead of just your own rendition of something. I’ll allow some leeway for the artist to do their thing, but there are certain things I want to happen certain ways, such as the aliens viewing the humans in action.

    I did my comic script based off the norm I saw in other comic scripts that were actually published. In those scripts they were just as “demanding” as I was, I’m probably being a little more strict because I’m trying to emphasize that I can tell a story with my composition.

    I think the type of script you may be referring to is the plot script, often used by Marvel. It only tells select lines and give light descriptions of scenery, then allows the artist to flesh out the substance. Those types of scripts are easier, but I doubt they are all that accepted in the general industry because they don’t particularly showcase a writer’s ability.

    Regarding Page 2: Good observation, I didn’t notice I neglected to name Jimelly. I just fixed it in my script. One thing, Jimelly is Alien 1, not 2.

    Regarding Page 3-4: No, it doesn’t specify that Adrian is the narrator, on the next two pages it goes to Adrian implying that he was the speaker. We are introduced to Adrian on Page Six, but I think a reader will understand that he is the one that was talking up until then.

  184. B. Macon 10 Mar 2009 at 1:22 am

    Some artists (cough, freelancers) like to have specific directions because it reduces the amount of design work they have to do. However, I think you’re right, Dforce, that it’s important to be flexible. Situations may arise on the artist’s end that the writer might not have anticipated. For example, a writer may have written a panel where a character is experiencing two very different emotions (or doing two mutually exclusive things with his face or hands or whatever). Try to keep a realistic view of what an artist can do in the space you’re giving him.

    Here are a few other thoughts and suggestions.
    –The artist might suggest a way to show a scene that you hadn’t thought of before. Even if you don’t end up using that scene, politely listen to him. He’s your partner!
    –For the love of God, don’t keep count of the times you make a change at the behest of the artist. (This usually comes up when a writer whines about one proposed change by saying “but I went with you on X and Y”). That’s a mistake because whether you accepted a change to X and Y has nothing to do with whether the artist’s latest suggestion is a good idea. Treat the proposed change on its own merits. (Does it add something? Is it feasible?) This is a team-effort, so don’t feel threatened by the fact that your artist wants to be a part of the team.

  185. Ragged Boyon 11 Mar 2009 at 9:49 am

    I never said I wasn’t going to be flexible. In fact, somewhere on this site I said I would be flexible to my artist. I do worry that my first issue may feel rushed, by I’m stumped on what I can shorten. I think every part so far adds a little to the story or the characters.

    I hope to make up for my rushed-ness in mysecond issue when I can slow down a bit.

    Thanks for your input, Dforce and B. Mac!

  186. B. Macon 11 Mar 2009 at 10:22 am

    Ack, I wasn’t trying to suggest that you were inflexible.

  187. Ragged Boyon 13 Mar 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Hooray! I’m out of my slump and my bad mood. 😀

    I’ve been working on my script and will be ready to post soon.

  188. B. Macon 13 Mar 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Glad to hear that. I hate to see anyone stall 75% through.

  189. Ragged Boyon 13 Mar 2009 at 6:35 pm

    After 37 years and three and a half death due to exhaustion, the next installment draft is complete.

    I’m not sure if I like this scene or not, I think it would works, but something is missing to me.
    _________________________________________________________________

    Page 19: Five Panels

    Panel 1: Adrian looks back making his way into the narrow alley.

    SFX: Pant Pant Pant

    Panel 2: One of Adrian’s pursuers lands in front of him, he’s still looking back.

    Panel 3: Adrian looks forward in terror at the sight of the alien.

    Adrian: Yelp!

    Panel 4: Adrian swings his arm at the alien, bashing it on the head with the ball glued to his hand. This should be slightly comical.

    SFX: Clunk!

    Alien: (Burst of unintelligible speech!)

    Panel 5: Adrian pushes past the alien continuing out of the alley.

    Page 20: Five Panels

    Panel 1: Adrian makes his way into the much broader alley, searching for a way to run.

    Panel 2: Alien lands on one side of him.

    Adrian: Crap

    Panel 3: Alien lands on the other side.

    Adrian: Double crap!

    Panel 4: The aliens charge towards Adrian.

    Panel 5: Adrian jumps out of the way of both of the aliens.


    Page 21: Six Panels

    Panel 1: The aliens comically crash into each other.

    Both Aliens: (Bursts of unintelligible speech)

    SFX: Smack!

    Panel 2: Adrian is cracking up, laughing hysterically.

    Adrian: Oh my God! I can’t believe that worked! You guys are so dumb!

    Panel 3: All three aliens stand in front of Adrian, looking furious. Two have bruised
    faces; one has a large lump on its head.

    Panel 4: Adrian pleads comically with the aliens. Smiling awkwardly.

    Adrian: Did I say dumb, silly me, I meant devilishly handsome and stylish.

    Panel 5: The Aliens begin to reach toward Adrian menacingly.

    Panel 6: Adrian begins to cover himself in fear, a soft blue light begins to cast over him.

    Page 22: Two Panels. Splash with insert.

    Panel 1: Jimelly appears in magnificent salvation, creating a large flowing wall of water erupting and protecting Adrian from the attackers.

    Jimelly: Be gone, neophytes!

    Panel 2(insert): Adrian’s face partially covered by his arm, blue light glowing brightly over him.

    Adrian: I thought I was dramatic, talk about an entrance.

    ______________________________________________________________–
    I struggled on describing the splash.

    What do you think? I don’t have a strong opinion of it.

  190. Dforceon 13 Mar 2009 at 10:13 pm

    I extremely dislike your amazing creativity, RB… Very jealous. Very.

    From an artistic point of view (my humble one, anyway), this looks pretty good. It sounds very dynamic. Page 22 especially. I don’t see why it shouldn’t fit in, but maybe someone else will give you more perspective.

    Keep on going, man. This looks good.

  191. Ragged Boyon 14 Mar 2009 at 7:54 am

    Thanks, I was pretty sure I’d get a negative comment from you. Sorry :(. I was mostly concerned if the panels would work on the pages.

    Would anyone else like to comment? You’re welcome to do so.

  192. Ragged Boyon 14 Mar 2009 at 7:54 am

    What!? no emoticon for frowny face!

  193. B. Macon 14 Mar 2009 at 7:55 am

    Not true! 🙁

  194. Stefan the Exploding Manon 14 Mar 2009 at 8:56 am

    My only complaint is that there’s no description of camera angles for the individual panels. It would help the artist quite a bit with his work. Currently there are several ways people can see things happening. With descriptions of camera angles, readers of not just the finished comic but the script itself can see the important bits of the scene. My advice is play around with the camera angles. It can be effective to sometimes have the camera on the ground or in the air, for example.

    Oh, one other thing. The phrase “Double crap” doesn’t feel very natural.

    Other than that, I like these pages. They keep up the general tone of the rest of the issue, which is good. For the splash, I’m picturing Jimelly riding a tidal wave across the alley, or possibly standing in front of the wave, which is covering the entire breadth of the alley. Or he could be leaping down into the alley as the wall of water washes the neophytes away (I like your use of that word, incidentally). I’m not sure how well that would work, though.

  195. Ragged Boyon 14 Mar 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Good observation on the camera angles. Although, my lack of description was intentional. I thought I would leave most of this scene to the artist’s interpretation. Being mostly action, I wanted to let the artist play their creativity with this scene.

    But, if you could point out a few panels that you had trouble visualizing, I could go back and adjust the description.

    Thank you for your input. I’m glad to here that I’m keeping with my general tone.

  196. Dforceon 14 Mar 2009 at 1:29 pm

    RB, you forgot your nose (-) between the eyes and mouth… lol.

    I think when it comes to giving the business (what description is called on that one link) you kinda have to make up your mind about either letting the pro do his thing, or guide the freelancer (or try and halfway it by giving angles and such only when absolutely necessary).

    Uh, what’d you mean by negative comment? I don’t mean to be so artistically vile… sorry. (Unless you meant that you thought I’d disagree on the panel layouts you got, and therefore expected a negative comment from me; which didn’t happen… right?).

    Don’t loose heart! You must finish!

  197. Ragged Boyon 14 Mar 2009 at 1:48 pm

    🙁 , Let’s see if that’s it.

    As for giving the business, I think I’d go more along the line of guiding the freelancer as in telling more in description, but I’m okay with giving leeway.

    I think I’ll leave this section as is, I think I’ve given enough description to work with. I may go back and add a few things, but I think it’s ok.

    I intend to finish quite soon. How about you though, have you started your script? I’m very enthusiastic towards seeing your work.

  198. Ragged Boyon 14 Mar 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Hooray! it worked. 🙂 🙁 😀 😉

  199. B. Macon 14 Mar 2009 at 2:02 pm

    I’m especially fond of the winking face. Anyway… with the number 8, you can also do a sunglasses smiley. 😎

  200. Dforceon 14 Mar 2009 at 2:27 pm

    As far as my scripting goes… that may be a while (don’t hold your breath).

    I love the glasses (been using that in yahoo messenger) 8) B) lol

  201. Dforceon 14 Mar 2009 at 2:42 pm

    I’ve made up my mind. Since I fully plan to draw all my comics, I shall format my scripts to say as much as I please– such as notes and details for me to remember.

    The only problem now should be my lazyne– energy efficiency, and how often I find my muse to lay out my scenes.

    Wish me luck, please.

    *walks off dramatically into the sunset to go write what to draw whilst whistling a tune*

    8) ♪♫♪

  202. Ragged Boyon 14 Mar 2009 at 5:13 pm

    I’d like to see your drawings. Is there any way that is possible?

  203. Dforceon 15 Mar 2009 at 9:32 pm

    After dwelling on this, I’ve decided to go ahead and open up a DA account (with some input from a friend).

    Look at Radonthegas’ page, but don’t expect anything impressive… As of now, there’s only one drawing on there, of a character that’s going in the first hero comic I’m working on… Uh, enjoy.

  204. Dforceon 15 Mar 2009 at 9:40 pm

    After a trial search, I go and find out its not easy to find people (myself or others) in DA… this could be bothersome… Weren’t you “Puzzler?”

  205. B. Macon 16 Mar 2009 at 1:50 am

    RB is Puzzeler. You can see his portfolio here.

  206. Ragged Boyon 16 Mar 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Due to the length of my script thus far, I may have to cliffhanger the fight with Raxium.

    I suspect I’ll have Raxium tamper with the outside of the ship making Jimelly go outside to check it out. While he is gone Adrian will tamper with some things. Convinced that this is some undercover movie, he will put on a suit of high-tech armor including the water controlling gauntlets. After hearing actiony sounds outside he run to the top of the ship hull where he sees Raxium and Jimelly (imprisoned in a bubble). Raxium says “Who do you think you are?!” And Adrian strikes an action pose with a large unloaded energy gun and answers ” You can call me (In big, flashy font) Showtime!”

    I’ll try to see if I can squeeze a little bit of fighting in, but I’m not optimistic about the outcome.

    What do you think?

  207. B. Macon 16 Mar 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Hmm. I have some reservations about the concept that he doesn’t know what’s going on and mistakenly thinks that it’s a movie. On the other hand, it could be a really wacky reality TV show. “Haha, you just thought that aliens are attacking! You got punk’d!”

  208. Ragged Boyon 16 Mar 2009 at 7:39 pm

    That’s exactly what I did (he thinks it’s a candid reality show), except it is actually happening he learns that while fighting Raxium. I hope this doesn’t make him come off as stupid. Here’s the next installment, I’m not enthusiastic about it, I’ll probably rewrite it. As of now, I’m definitely marking it as a first draft.

    I may be acting negatively though, what do you think?

    ___________________________________________________________________

    Page 22: Two Panels. Splash with insert.

    Panel 1: Jimelly appears in magnificent salvation, creating a large flowing wall of
    water erupting and protecting Adrian from the attackers. He is standing on a pillar of water (Don’t forget his speaking font)

    Jimelly: Be gone, neophytes!

    Panel 2(insert): Adrian’s face partially covered by his arm, blue light glowing brightly over him.

    Adrian: And I thought I was dramatic, talk about an entrance.

    Page 23: Six panels, relatively equal in size

    Panel 1: The angry aliens quickly vanish, leaving Adrian and Jimelly.

    Panel 2: Jimelly turns to Adrian, smiling in a friendly manner.

    Jimelly: Salutations, earth youth, please excuse my assistants, they haven’t been domesticated yet.

    Panel 3: Adrian is terrified but is still trying to converse as he edges away from Jimelly.

    Adrian: Umm, it’s cool, uh, I’m gonna go now. Bu-bye.

    Panel 4: Jimelly creates a water wall blocking Adrian’s path. From this angle we see Adrian’s back and the wall blocking his path.

    Jimelly (off): Wait, I must converse with you. You seem, most different.

    Panel 5: Adrian gets angry and starts to protest.

    Adrian: Look, guy! You are thoroughly weirding me out, and that’s saying something, have you seen this city?

    Panel 6: Jimelly is punching in coordinates in a remote.

    Jimelly: So full of life, you must come with me.

    Page 24: Six Panels

    Panel 1: The teleportation field appears interrupting Adrian in the middle of his
    argument wisping him away to Jim’s ship.

    Adrian (yelling): I ain’t goin’ nowhere with—

    Panel 2: Wide shot. Adrian appears in a futuristic laboratory. He is small in comparison to the room. There are futuristic armor suits and weapons hanging high up on the wall next to him. There are large tables with chemistry setups. There are also large monitors on the walls. He is still leaning forward pointing at Jimelly, who isn’t there.

    Adrian: Umm…

    Panel 3: Jimelly greets Adrian from behind from scaring him. Adrian jumps away from Jim.

    Jimelly: Salutations, Adrian!

    Adrian: Aaah!!

    Panel 4: Adrian is clutching his chest, dramatically catching his breath.

    Adrian: Ok, first of all, how do you know my name? Secondly, what going on here? I’m really confused now.

    Panel 5: Jimelly begin to walk towards his large chemistry table

    Jimelly: Adrian, you are different from most humans here, and the way you handled yourself against my assistants, I’m certain.

    Adrian: Certain of what?

    Panel 6: Jimelly lifts a series of beakers and tubes with his water control, he smiles in a friendly manner at the baffled Adrian (who isn’t visible from this angle).

    Jimelly: I want you to be my apprentice! You’d become a master chemist and even gain abilities such as my control of water.

    Page 25: Seven panels, The seventh is a tall panel taking ¼ of the width on the page.

    Panel 1: From the nose up on Adrian. His eyes widen is false realization, he thinks he understands but actually doesn’t.

    Adrian (thought): I get it now. The blue skin, the special effects, knowing who I am already, this must be a reality TV show.

    Panel 2: Adrian stands up proudly, smiling handsomely for the supposed hidden cameras.

    Adrian: I accept your proposal, Mr?

    Panel 3: Jimelly walks over to Adrian handing him a vial of blue fluid, Adrian is reaching for it. While talking a large thump sound occurs outside the ship.

    Jimelly: I apologize; my name is Jimelly. Here this vial is your initiation, welcome to—

    SFX: Thump!

    Jimelly: Hmm, a thump! Must be the generator, I’ll investigate wait here.

    Panel 4: Jimelly walks away through a sliding door leaving Adrian holding the vial.

    Adrian (Thought/off): I bet he thinks I’m fooled. I guess I should drink this; it’s probably just Kool-Aid.

    Panel 5: Another thump occurs this time it rocks the ship. Adrian stumbles, dropping the vial of fluid on the ground.

    SFX: THUMP! (Bigger this time)

    Panel 6: A small shot of the smashed vial on the floor.

    SFX: (Glass breaking)

    Panel 6: Adrian turns around looking up at the armored suit hanging high up on the wall. We see Adrian’s back from the shoulder blades up, We can see the entire suit. It’s a black suit with white armoring on the chest, forearms, and calves. The white armor has yellow tear drop shaped jewel on each piece of the armoring. It also had a white headpiece with a yellow teardrop. Please consult me for further description.

    Adrian: It’s not Kool-Aid but it looks awfully inviting.

  209. B. Macon 16 Mar 2009 at 7:50 pm

    At the point that he gets teleported into the lab, I think that he comes off as a bit stupid to keep thinking that this is a reality TV show. The smoothest way to keep him from accepting the truth now would be shock. He’s just been attacked by alien ninjas, been saved by an alien with superpowers, and has now been teleported against his will into an alien lab. Shock would definitely be plausible.

    I think that going with the reality TV show angle would require more setup. For example, you could have him talking with someone in class about how fun that Gunk’d! show is. I think two small panels would help. You might want to emphasize that this Gunk’d show has some incredible special-effects wizards and specializes in stunts that are out-there. (“They made this guy think he was a chicken!”)

  210. Ragged Boyon 16 Mar 2009 at 8:10 pm

    I agree, I’ve already erased most of that scene. I’ll go with shock “Holy crap! You’re an alien and this is a spaceship!”

  211. B. Macon 16 Mar 2009 at 11:04 pm

    Ok.

  212. Ragged Boyon 17 Mar 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Update Request:

    Could you add my page 19-21 to my script at the top, please?

    I’m revising my last few pages and I’m feeling alot better. I have a question though, once Adrian learns that it’s all real what’s the best way to bring his shock back down to normality again?

  213. Holliequon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:15 pm

    “How do I get back?” I suspect he’ll jump to the conclusion he’ll need Jimelly’s help to get back, and so help him out/stay on his good side. What do you think?

  214. Ragged Boyon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:29 pm

    I like him asking the question “How do I get back?” I could use it as setup for a joke and restore normality.

    Thanks Hollie.

  215. Holliequon 17 Mar 2009 at 2:39 pm

    No worries. I’m planning to use roughly the same thing for Victor and Zoe, when they have their own little moment. 😉

  216. B. Macon 17 Mar 2009 at 4:50 pm

    Ok, I’ve updated the top post.

  217. Ragged Boyon 18 Mar 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Hmm, I haven’t touched my Sketch story in some time now. That story still needs major development. I’m totally revamping the beginning.

    I suspect that most of the new people don’t know about my Sketch story. I stopped working on it long before the New Year.

    *Cranks up wench to Literary Salvage Yard and retrieves Sketch from the depths*

    Setting
    I’m still pondering if this will be a space opera or not. If so, then the setting will be the dystopian city of Centuari (formerly Comet City). One of the biggest party and crime planets in the universe. After a failed experiment with new energy the entire quadrant was polluted with trash, this only made the failing planet worse. However, despite crime, pollution, and near anarchy, the city managed to stay afloat and is still quite popular. Also, everyone is technically an alien, although some appear similar to humans.

    Main Characters and Personality

    1) Kenna (formerly Aadrello) Tegee- A young and talented graffiti artist, raised in the fast-paced heart Centauri. Despite superior skill, he was a failure in art college and is now homeless. However, he sees his lack of housing as a plus, the self-proclaimed vagabond wonders Centauri leaving his mark where ever he goes. He dream of joining an elite graffiti gang, The Raggz, and turning Centauri into his personal art gallery. Or at least he dreamt that, until that one day…

    Kenna is another one of my artistic characters, he both draws and does graffiti. He is the actively optimitic and imaginative. He likes to leave an impression, whether tangible or not, where ever he goes. However, Kenna is never lenient when it comes to being negative, he doesn’t like to listen to others at all if they are negative. This is a negative trait of his own. He also generally doesn’t think before he acts, getting him into trouble with the IGPO (Intergalactic Protection Organization, space police basically)

    2) Irabella Wisker- Born and raised on a static meteor in the Centauri Quadrant. She is the daughter of two humble gem farmers. Although, born humble she was naturally independent, longing to know about life outside of her floating settlement. After the failed energy experiment, a large box of magazine floated to her home entailing city life and its aspects. He became entranced with the city life, drastically changing who she was. Her loving, but terribly strict parents found out about her aspirations and told her and her brother that they would never move to the city because of what it does to people. So Irabella was content to live on her meteor, until that one event…

    Irabella, despite humble life, was naturally spunky and independent. She becomes even more so as she grows older and finds out more about the city. She is very dominant and and loves trying new things. She is also very independent, sometimes even detached and is always up for a challenge. He also has a strange taste for the macabre.

    3) Alexandrius Jornai Poleon Emera (Jornai is what he goes by)- The illegitimate child of the Queen of Emeralice (adjacent to the Centauri Quadrant). Being a secret he didn’t go by the last name of Emera, being a royal name, but because his mother loved him, she made him a royal servant, he was secretly given classes that a young prince would take, such as swordmanship, music, etiquette, language, etc. His mother chose not to reveal his identity because 1) Jornai isn’t the King’s son 2) Emeralice is in turmoil and an illegitimate prince would only worsen the situation. Jornai was honed into an ideal prince, prim and proper, yet holstering rebellion deep within. He would remain invisible amongst his royal family if not for that fateful occurrence…

    Jornai is a well refined young man. He is proficient in many subjects and is quite intelligent. He carries himself with grace and dignity, at least while infront of the royal family. Away from them he is a rebellious little scamp, joining an underground fight club and often wearing a crude baseball cap. He loves the finer things, but isn’t afraid to get dirty. However, he often comes off as snobby and arrogant, maybe condescending. He feels that he must prove himself worthy of even taking the title of prince.

    Alter Egos and Abilities

    Kenna/Sketch- He wields a piece of advance artistic technology, The Animata. A time-traveling sketchbook with the ability to bring the things drawn in it to life, including living creatures. With the book, Kenna creates his costume that helps him with quick access to his artistic abilities.

    Irabella Wisker/ Dynamo (suggestions welcome)- After prolonged radiation from the gems she farm and the meteor itself, her DNA was reconstructed. She gained the ability of full control over her blood red hair including growth, superstrength, thickness, firing hair constructs, etc. She also gained a relatively strong healing factor. However, multiple healing will result in a temporary loss of power and fatigue.

    Jornai/ Emerald- Being an Emera he was born with The Emerld Eye, allowing his to fire eyebeams that create emerald. He is also a proficient swordsmanship wielding his priceless family heirloom, an enhanced, emerald hilted broadsword.

    The team is meant to be a group of conflicting personalities working for a common good. I’ll get more into the story now.

    What do you think?

  218. Ragged Boyon 18 Mar 2009 at 5:11 pm

    Just keeping the above post open for review. All are welcome to input.

  219. Ragged Boyon 19 Mar 2009 at 7:52 am

    Just reposting the above.

  220. Stefan the Exploding Manon 19 Mar 2009 at 8:20 am

    I’m a little confused about “eyebeams that create emerald”.

  221. Ragged Boyon 19 Mar 2009 at 8:32 am

    When the eyebeams hit something they create emerald over it. Like when an ice beam hits something it freezes it.

  222. B. Macon 19 Mar 2009 at 8:35 am

    Please remind me to post more on this later, but my short version is that it sounds workable. I like the tweaks to Irabella. Not quite feeling Jornai’s background. Gotta run.

  223. Ragged Boyon 19 Mar 2009 at 9:13 am

    Essentially, I just want him to have a reason to be a rebellious snob. He doesn’t have to be an illegitimate prince. I may completely rework his story. I’ll probably make him the rebellious heir a multi-gajillion dollar company, that way he would be majorly affected by the Cyborn Moon and still retain most of his skills.

    Hey, I’ve come far with authorial distance, I had no protest towards changing Jornai. Although, if it were Kenna that may be another story.

  224. Holliequon 19 Mar 2009 at 10:48 am

    Just to point out – if he’s not the King’s son then he shouldn’t have the ‘Emera’ bloodline (I’m assuming this is DNA-inherited). When a woman marries a King she becomes a Queen. When a man marries a Queen, he’s officially a Prince consort. (Don’t ask me why, that’s just the way things are.) So, if the King is, well, a King, he’s the one from the royal family.

    😉 Being from a country with a monarchy, you pick up this kind of stuff. Also, would people really use swords in a futuristic setting like this?

    I think Jornai could stay an illegitimate prince if you tweaked his background slightly. Right now, he was taught everything normal princes are just because. What about him working for this?

    Gotta go, will say more later.

  225. Ragged Boyon 19 Mar 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Ok, But what if the bloodline started with the Queen and the kingdom was matriarchial. Casting away the idea that a man must be ruler. Would he then be prince? I don’t know much about the monarchy system. which is why I’m not making him a prince anymore, I’m switching it to the heir, I like Jornai in a suit better than armor.

    Good observation about the “just because” that’s another reason he won’t be a prince anymore. Now he will heavily pressured/forced by his upscale family.

    I don’t see anything wrong with still using swords, even in the future. Of course it wouldn’t be a weapon of war anymore, not with advanced technology and all, unless it was a specific character that had abilities tied to it. Lots of traditional upscale famalies have taste for classical things and things that represent refinement, like fencing.

    I’ll give him his emerald power some other way.

    What do you think?

  226. Holliequon 19 Mar 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Hmm, I’m not sure about the kingdom being matriarchial (I think the first kind of England was William the Conqueror) . . . all I know is that when a man marries a Queen, he’s a Prince consort. But since you’re not going for the royal thing anymore, I guess it doesn’t matter much.

    Okay, so he’s an heir heavily pressured by his family. To do what? What do the family do?

    If you want to give him an emerald power, maybe you can tie that into the business and say they’re gemstone dealers or the owners of a mega-successful jewellry store. This could even tie into Irabella, since she’s a gem farmer. If Jornai is rebellious, maybe she helps him to get away from his family, and in return he takes her with him to the city?

  227. Ragged Boyon 19 Mar 2009 at 1:39 pm

    He’s pressured by his family to uphold the family standard. Being a heir to a highly coveted fortune and business, he has to be well-rounded (learn many languages) and masterful. The fencing is tied to the family roots that Jornai is forced to uphold and Jornai was okay with this anyway. I’m not exactly sure what his families business is, but whatever it is it makes tons of money. I kinda like you idea of the jewelry business, they’d be the biggest jewelers in their corner of the universal economy.

    I had planned on Irabella meeting Kenna first, but I sort of like your idea. However, it would have to work as a side story or a flashback. It would only work as a side story if I introduced all three characters at once, which is doable, but tricky. Mainly because the first turning point in the story affects both Irabella and Sketch at nearly the same time. I think I can handle it as a flashback though.

    Thanks for the help!

  228. Ragged Boyon 21 Mar 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Here’s the revision of those last pages I posted. I like this revision alot more than the original.
    _________________________________________________________________

    Page 22: Two Panels. Splash with insert.

    Panel 1: Jimelly appears in magnificent salvation, creating a large flowing wall of
    water erupting and protecting Adrian from the attackers. He is standing on a pillar of water (Don’t forget his speaking font)

    Jimelly: Be gone, neophytes!

    Panel 2(insert): Adrian’s face partially covered by his arm, blue light glowing brightly over him.

    Adrian: And I thought I was dramatic, talk about an entrance.


    Page 23: Six panels, relatively equal in size

    Panel 1: The angry aliens quickly vanish, leaving Adrian and Jimelly.

    Panel 2: Jimelly turns to Adrian, smiling in a friendly manner.

    Jimelly: Salutations, earth youth, please excuse my assistants, they haven’t been domesticated yet.

    Panel 3: Adrian is terrified but is still trying to converse as he edges away from Jimelly.

    Adrian: Umm, it’s cool, uh, I’m gonna go now. Bu-bye.

    Panel 4: Jimelly creates a water wall blocking Adrian’s path. From this angle we see Adrian’s back and the wall blocking his path.

    Jimelly (off): Wait, I must converse with you. You seem, most different.

    Panel 5: Adrian gets angry and starts to protest.

    Adrian: Look, guy! You are thoroughly weirding me out, and that’s saying something, have you seen this city?

    Panel 6: Jimelly is punching in coordinates in a remote.

    Jimelly: So full of life, you must come with me.


    Page 24: Six Panels.

    Panel 1: Adrian is protesting the notion before he is warped away mid-sentence.

    Adrian: I ain’t goin’ nowhere with—

    SFX: WOOOO!

    Panel 2: Wide Shot. Adrian reappears in a large laboratory, stammering around dizzily. There are hi-tech suits on the wall behind him. Tables with chemistry sets are shattered throughout the room. Large monitors line the other wall. The survey ball is no longer attached to his hand.

    Panel 3: Jimelly’s POV. Adrian is facing away from us. He has stopped stammering, but is still holding his head in a daze.

    Adrian: I haven’t been this dizzy since the school got that lead paint job.

    Panel 4: Back to normal. Jimelly is the background puts his hand on Adrian’s shoulder in the foreground. Adrian’s eyes popped open with surprise.

    Jimelly: Hello, Adrian Gaines.

    Panel 5: Adrian jumps away from Jimelly.

    Adrian: Whoa!

    Panel 6: Adrian is dramatically holding his chest.

    Adrian: Ok, What’s going on? How the hell do you know my name?


    Page 25: Five Panel

    Panel 1: Adrian’s POV. Jimelly holds the survey ball to Adrian’s face; it creates a holographic screen with a bio of Adrian.

    Jimelly: When you took this it encoded your DNA. I know all about you.

    Panel 2: Normal perspective. Jimelly begins to walk towards us next to a large chemistry setup. Adrian is standing now.

    Adrian: So, you’re not some paid actor? And…this isn’t a movie set?

    Panel 3: Wide shot. We can see almost the entire large lab. Jimelly is holding his arms outstretched showing off the room.

    Jimelly: Nope. All of this is real.

    Panel 4: Adrian thinks for a second

    Adrian (thought): That means…

    Panel 5: Adrian bursts out yelling, pointing at Jimelly.

    Adrian: You’re not human! And you just abducted me! You’re going to tell me how to get back right now!

    Page 26: Seven Panels.

    Panel 1: Jimelly begins experimenting, pouring the contents of a beaker into a test
    tube.

    Jimelly: Calm down, Adrian. Indeed, I am not human, but you are safe. I simply want to ask you a question.

    Panel 2: Adrian is leaning up against the wall, sweating in fear and awe.

    Adrian: What?

    Panel 3: Jimelly starts calmly towards Adrian holding a glowing blue vial in his hand.

    Jimelly: The universe is in the middle of a scientific revolution. Humans are will be one of the majorly affected races of being by this revolution. So I must ask you…

    Panel 4: Profile. Jimelly holds the vial out to Adrian.

    Jimelly: Would you be my apprentice?

    Panel 5: Adrian, still confused begins to ask questions.

    Adrian: Why me, though? I’m just a strikingly handsome, young actor. I don’t anything about science.

    Panel 6: Jimelly’s face lights up.

    Jimelly: That’s the beauty. You don’t have to be a scientist. All you have to do is learn. And drink this vial, of course.

    Panel 7: Adrian takes the vial and looks deeply into it.

    Adrian: I mean, I—

    SFX: THUMP!


    Page 27: Seven Panels

    Panel 1: Jimelly looks perplexed at the random thump.

    Jimelly: A thump? Hold that thought.

    Panel 2: Jimelly walks towards a door exiting the room.

    Panel 3: Jimelly looks towards Adrian as he opens a door to the outside.
    Jimelly: Oh, and to answer your question about getting back. Just open the door.

    Panel 4: Adrian looks annoyed

    Adrian (thought): Of course, because I know alien technology so well.

    Panel 5: Adrian: returns to examining the vial, holding it up in front of his face.
    Adrian: It could be worth it, if there’s a major breakthrough, and I’m on the news, casting directors all over the world would see me.

    Panel 6: Adrian begins to drink the vial, but drops it as the ship shakes.

    Adrian: Well, bottoms—Oops

    SFX: THUMP!

    Panel 7: A shot of the vial smashing on the ground.

    SFX: Pling!
    __________________________________________________________________

    What do you think? All comments are welcome?

  229. B. Macon 21 Mar 2009 at 1:25 pm

    I generally like these pages quite a lot. Here are some suggestions/observations.

    “And I thought I was dramatic, talk about an entrance.” I’d recommend replacing the comma with a period. Also, I’d recommend making it clear that he’s muttering to himself, rather than talking to anyone in particular.

    “Salutations, earth youth…” Earth should be capitalized. Also, this line should probably make it clear to Adrian that this person is an alien (if that isn’t already clear by his appearance).

    “Salutations, earth youth, please excuse my assistants, they haven’t been domesticated yet.” Long sentence. I’d recommend breaking it into three shorter ones. “Salutations, Earth youth. Please excuse my assistants. They haven’t been domesticated yet.” Also, I’d reconsider replacing domesticated with a clearer word.

    “Umm, it’s cool, uh, I’m gonna go now. Bu-bye.” The first sentence here has a lot of commas, but I think it’s very effective. It makes it sound like he’s taken aback, sort of like he’s stuttering.

    “You seem, most different.” No comma. Also, I’d recommend replacing the word different with something that says something more about Adrian. What does Jim see in him that he doesn’t see elsewhere?

    “Look, guy! You are thoroughly weirding me out, and that’s saying something, have you seen this city?” I’d recommend replacing the comma after something with a period. I’d recommend bolding the word seen and replacing the word guy with man. This punchline amused me. 🙂

    I really like the detail that Jim types in the coordinates in his remote. I think that will help explain what happens in the next panel.

    “So full of life, you must come with me.” I’d recommend replacing the comma with an ellipsis. “So full of life” is still kind of creepy, though. Maybe you could replace that with something a bit less cryptic?

    “I ain’t goin’ nowhere with—” I think this is really effective.

    Be careful with a wide-shot on panel 2. That will probably force panel 1 to also be a wide-shot.

    I think the physical contact between Jim and Adrian is a bit creepy. I would recommend removing it. You could still add the potential for awkwardness by having him hold out a weird-looking hand for Adrian to shake or something.

    “Ok, What’s going on? How the hell do you know my name?” — I’d recommend getting rid of the word Ok. If you keep ok, “what” does not need to be capitalized. For a slightly different flavor, you could try something like “What the hell? How do you know my name?” It’s a bit shorter.

    “When you took this it encoded your DNA.” Comma after “this.” (Dependent clause, comma, independent clause).

    I kind of think that it would help to add another line about how Jim was able to make a bio out of a DNA sample. For example, he could say that he accessed the school’s drug-test database for his DNA. That isn’t entirely believable, but it will help the audience understand what sort of information is in the bio. (school files, etc.) Jim might note that Adrian’s scores in science are not stellar. On the other hand, Jim’s marks in science might not have been stellar, either. (“Because I accidentally vaporized my instructor.”) 😉

    “Adrian thinks for a second” — period after second.

    “You’re not human!” This probably should have been obvious sooner.

    “Humans are will be one of the majorly affected races of being by this revolution. So I must ask you…” Some typos here. First, “are” should be removed. Second, I’d recommend rewriting this sentence to make it shorter. For example, “Humans will be greatly affected by this revolution.” You might want to use a more specific word than affected, to suggest what sort of effects we are looking at.

    “Why me, though? I’m just a strikingly handsome, young actor. I don’t know anything about science.” I’d recommend reorganizing this a little. “Why me? I don’t know anything about science. I’m just an actor. (A strikingly handsome one, true).

    “Drink this vial.” Pretty vague. What will it do? Why would Adrian consider drinking it without asking first what it will do?

    “Hold that thought.” I think that this needs to reflect Jim’s voice better.

    “Oh, and to answer your question about getting back. Just open the door.” I’d recommend rephrasing this to something like “You are free to leave. Just open the door.” Maybe throw in a line about how Jim will be in touch with him to see if he’d be interested in the proposal.

    “Adrian looks annoyed”– period after annoyed.

  230. Dforceon 21 Mar 2009 at 2:17 pm

    RB, here’re my two cents on pages 22-26:

    Page 22
    I like Page 22. The only thing that I wasn’t quite clear on was the panel layout. Is panel 2 taking the entirety of the page, with panel 1 as a box on the upper-left hand corner? Also, other than the grammar, there’s nothing wrong with this page in my opinion.

    Page 23
    In panel 1, how do they vanish? Do they scurry off, or disappear in a puff of smoke, or get beamed up by Scotty? If this panel is supposed to focus on the Neophytes going away, I think that information would be helpful to whoever read this. On the other hand, if this panel focused on Adrian and Jimelly, you could have the camera look at Adrian past Jimelly, and get a look at how scared or schocked Adrian is at what he just saw. (Say its a close-up of Jimelly that captures only a side of his face, with the other bieng off panel; while focusing on Adrian standing on the background– I think this would set you up for Jimelly turning to look at Adrian in the next panel).

    In panel 2, I was wondering how Jimelly was turning around: Was he still standing forward and looking back at Adrian by twisting his head, or did he turn his whole body? (I assume you left these details up for grabs by the artist, right?).

    In panel 3, just a thought: Instead of commas, have you thought about using dashes or some elipsis? Or straight periods? Or a combination of the three?
    “Umm… it’s cool, uh– I’m gonna go now. Bu-bye…

    Panel 4. Lol. I imagine Adrian frozen in fear as he walked. (Head shrugged, knee halfway in the air, in sneak mode).

    Is panel 5 a close-up of Adrian’s face?

    In panel 6: Don’t forget the sound effects! Lol.

    Page 24
    I like the dialogue and progression here.

    Page 25
    Is your panel 3, your wide shot, also your establishing shot? Since it pretty much shows the viewer where Adrian is now, you should probably put this across the entire middle of the page, taking as much room as you can (with the other panels above and below). (I assume you had this in mind from the way it’s set up).

    In panel 5: Another thought I just felt like sharing (remember, I’m no pro, so take my advice lightly!): Instead of having Adrian point at Jimelly, why not have him point at the ground (in a “this instant!” kinda way). Also, is this going to be a close-up of Adrian’s angry face?

    Page 26
    Adrian’s dialogue on panel 5. Third sentence. I’m sure someone pointed this out, but it’s missing the word “know”– as in: “I don’t know anything about science.

    In the bridge between Page 26 and Page 27, panel 7 and panel 1: Since the SFX is a sound effect, I don’t believe Jimelly would know how to spell it (unless of course you were breaking the fourth wall). Personally, I’d replace the word “thump” with “noise,” but that’s just a matter of opinion. (Please don’t change this just because I said so).

    This looks real good, man. My envy continues to grow, slowly but surely. Lol.

    Twenty-seven pages already? Argh! I need to get on the ball on my script… 🙁

  231. Dforceon 21 Mar 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Ah. It looks like B. Mac put up the post I made earlier. Thanks! On the other hand, is there anything I should avoid to keep the post from going to the “moderation queue?” Is there a list of words to avoid (if sharing it would be OK)?

  232. B. Macon 21 Mar 2009 at 4:41 pm

    I posted it on your review forum, Dforce.

  233. Ragged Boyon 21 Mar 2009 at 5:42 pm

    Ugh, stupid grammar!

    I think the physical contact was a little creepy. I want to keep this as far away from Jimelly The Pervert as possible.

    I’m off to revisions.

  234. B. Macon 21 Mar 2009 at 8:14 pm

    I agreed that the physical contact had a slightly creepy feel. That should be very easy to fix.

    The grammar should also be easy to fix. It took me at most 10 minutes to point out the ~5 errors. In contrast, when someone has 5 pages that are riddled with mistakes, it would take me at least two (painful) hours to fix it all.

  235. Ragged Boyon 21 Mar 2009 at 9:17 pm

    These are the notes from my Celtx script for Issue #1 of Sketch. The plot is pretty similar to the original layout, although I cut some events for length. Disregard my style, I was pretending to be an omniscient radio host when I wrote these. Haha. The titles were for my sake and have no actual value.

    Kenna’s Audition
    The story starts with Kenna at an audition with the illustrious Raggz, the top rank graffiti gang in Centauri. The Raggz are seriously doubting Kenna’s ability despite his obvious skill. They reject him with an sarcastic smile and a hot tip to their next target.

    The Risque Sketch
    Knowing where the Raggz are going to hit next, Kenna decides he wants to take a shot at his former idols and tag the spot first. Knowing it wouldn’t be intelligent to risk it as himself, he dons the identity of Sketch, the oddly dressed graffiti artist. The super identity is born.

    Impure Halos
    High atop the Halos Tower the Raggz are preparing for their Coup de’ Grace to coherent society. All is well until Sketch shows up to put a chink in their perfect plan. It’s Raggz Vs. Sketch on harnesses high atop the bustling city of night.

    Running Off Into The Daybreak
    After Sketch’s sketchy encounter above Centauri the police aren’t too happy. The Raggz gone with the painted wind, they decide to settle for a less equipped Sketch. The force pursues Sketch throughout the nooks and crannies of Centauri. After, their waste of effort, the police decide to give up as the blue sun peaks over blue city.

    I Must Be Trippin’
    While heading “home” after his chase, Kenna (literally) stumbles across a book laying on the ground. When Kenna picks it up he realizes the book is completely blank. Think “new sketchbook!” Kenna takes it. After sleeping most of the day, he wakes up to learn that all of the pictures in his old sketchbook are now in the new one.

    “The Ani-whata now”
    Things get weirder when the “new sketchbook” begins to speak and call itself the Animata. When the offers Kenna a “chance of a lifetime” Kenna, keeping new experiences, is happy to oblige. After a series of trial and error, Kenna masters the basics of creation and creates an actual costume for his now infamous persona Sketch.

    The Sweat Raggz
    Deciding it was time to finish what they had started, The Raggz hunt down Sketch, this time accompanied by their mysterious leader. An oddly even battle ensues when the Raggz find Sketch. After being pushed to far, the leader steps in announcing his direct mind control over the gang of philosophical zombies called. The lunatic is just about to go all out when…

    A Third Sunrise?
    The citizens of Centauri are used to two sunrises a day, but three is new. Wait!! That’s not a sun, and more importantly, that’s not light its firing upon the city, those are lasers. The Renaissance arrives to eradicate the Animata. You’ve got no choice now Sketch. It’s escape the planet or get vaporized… [End Issue One]

    What do you think?

  236. Ragged Boyon 21 Mar 2009 at 9:27 pm

    Yeah, I’ve already spotted some comma splices, missed commas, wrong capitalization, typos, misused words, forgotten words, etc. I completely understand the grammatical errors that I’ve made.

    My excuse:

    I was very sleepy when I wrote these notes. I didn’t think to post them here until after I wrote them. Sorry.

  237. Stefan the Exploding Manon 21 Mar 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Sketch seems a bit like Green Lantern in that his power is only limited by his imagination (and his drawing speed). Similarly it would be good to establish what drawing style Sketch has.

    Using the various Green Lanterns as an example, Hal Jordan is in the Marines, so his energy constructs are very basic, like beams of energy or simple bubbles. John Stewart is an architect, so his constructs are more like blueprints, very detailed and if they were real they would probably work the same way they would as energy constructs. Kyle Rayner is younger and he’s a cartoonist, so his constructs are full of energy and sometimes impractical; when he wants to punch a whole through something he would dream up a giant robot swinging its fists instead of just a plain blast of energy. Sketch seems to be leaning towards the Kyle Rayner side of things.

    The gang of philosophical zombies that you mentioned also sounds intriguing, as does the Renaissance. I am imagining angry, mainstream artists, piloting spaceships that bristle with lasers and things, led by a bearded, Da Vinci-type character. The word Renaissance used out of its original context has very interesting connotations so I’m sure you could play around with that.

    I think you could really go to town designing and drawing Centauri (not sure if that’s the city or the planet). The tone of the comic seems light, and I can see Centauri as a city that literally never sleeps, with bright lights and signs glowing artificially all day and all night in loud, primary colours.

    Alternatively, it could be a darker, Gotham-like city, and the atmosphere could be damp and gloomy, with the Raggz and other graffiti gangs being the thing that brightens the mood of the city.

    It’s fun watching someone create a new world and my comments may be slightly irrelevant because my imagination takes me to weird places. Sorry about that.

  238. Ragged Boyon 22 Mar 2009 at 6:01 am

    Yeah, when I originally made this concept, I got alot of comments saying how it was similar to Green Lantern. There is a slight misconception you made, though. The Animata gives Kenna an allowance of pages he can used, he can’t just keep summoning things. His major tweak to the GL formula is that he can summon living things. And that at certain times, he can summon masterpieces that previous holders of the book have created. Thay usually have some incredible ability.

    I made a mistake in the explanation. I probably should have said that the Renaissance and the Raggz aren’t linked. In fact, The Renaissance vaporizes the Raggz. The Renaissance will destroy the planet, but still fail to destroy the Animata.

    Frankly, I’m not even sure if Centauri is the city or the planet either. I’m gonna say city. That means I’ve got a planet to name.

    I wanted a unique feel for the setting in my story. For example, Centauri is loaded with neon lights everywhere. Sketch being a Centauri native has glowing neon stripes on his costume. The setting will probably lean towards the darker side, though. At least, that’s what I want it to do.

    Sketch will have a particular abstract style of art. A style that flows well with the concept of graffiti.

    Thanks for the input, Stefan.

  239. Ragged Boyon 23 Mar 2009 at 5:50 pm

    Oh my gosh, I’m done with the first draft of issue #1. I just want to thank Jesus and my Momma for always being there.

    But in all seriousness, it’s done. I’m going to post it now.
    ___________________________________________________________________

    Page 28: Seven Panels. Panel five is in the center and is as long as 3 and 4 combined.

    Panel 1: Adrian is scratching his head wondering what to do now.

    Adrian: Uh-oh, that’s not good.

    Panel 2: In the foreground, we see some smashed remains of the vial. In the background, we see Adrian’s feet walking away from the mess.

    Adrian: Better tell Jimelly.

    Panel 3: Profile. Adrian is walking towards the door, on the wall beside him are the legs of a suit.

    Panel 4: Same shot. This time there is intrigue on Adrian’s face.

    Adrian: Huh?

    Panel 5: A long shot of the futuristic suit on the wall. Panels 3 and 4 border the left. Panels 5 and 6 border the right.

    Panel 6: The suit’s POV. Adrian is looking up at us with a smirk on his face.

    Adrian: Now that’s interesting.I’m sure Jimelly would be okay if I just tried this on.

    Panel 7: A close-up on Adrian’s mischievious smile.


    Page 29: Six panels.

    Panel 1: Adrian is admiring himself in the suit in a long mirror. We can see very well now that Adrian is quite skinny. Not like unhealthy skinny, but skinny. The yellow buttons on his suit are not glowing , but they will later.

    Adrian: It’s like this was custom made for me. Now for the finishing touch.

    Panel 2: Adrian now poses with a rather large futuristic gun. He’s holding it as if it’s a trophy.

    Adrian: “It’s gonna be hell out there men, I hope you—“

    Panel 3: The entire ship shakes throwing Adrian to the ground.

    Adrian: Damn!

    SFX: DUUUM!!

    Panel 4: Adrian is on the ground, looking flustered and annoyed.

    Adrian: Geez, can’t a guy do a monologue in peace. I need to see what that is

    Panel 5: Adrian takes up the large gun and runs up a nearby staircase.

    Panel 6: Adrian stops at a small, porthole-esque window on the staircase at this angle we don’t see his face.

    Adrian: Whoa! What the heck is that?!


    Page 30: Three Panels. Panel One take about ¾ of the page.

    Panel 1: Large shot, low angle looking up. We see Jimelly’s back. He’s standing in front of a giant alien, Raxium. Raxium is a dingy yellow color. His upper body, particularly his arms are gigantic, he stands on them instead of his legs. While his lower body is small like that of a regular person. He stands over Jim with a menacing grim. Also, the shadow he casts over Jimelly makes him look even more menacing.

    Raxium (ugly font): Hey Jim, remember me?

    Jimelly: Raxium. The years have treated you well I see.

    Raxium: Ya still got jokes, eh. Let’s see if this makes you laugh.

    Panel 2: Adrian is looking attentively through the small window. The shot is very shaky, because of Raxium’s impact trying to strike Jimelly.

    Adrian: Shit! I gotta get out there

    SFX: CRASH!!

    Panel 3: Adrian pushing open a hatch on the top of the ship.


    Page 31: Six Panels

    Panel 1: Raxium is sqeezing Jimelly in his large hand. Raxium looks up towards
    Adrian in the background atop the ship as he calls out. We can also see a large dent in the side of the ship.

    Adrian: Hey, knuckle draggin’ reject, got a problem?!

    Panel 2: A close up on Raxium’s deformed face, he’s sweating profusely. And steam seems to be rising from his skin. He smirks at the puny pest.

    Raxium: And what if I do? Who the hell are you, anyway?!

    Panel 3: Adrian holds the gun across his chest trying to intimidate Raxium.

    Adrian: Then you’re gonna have to deal with me.

    Panel 4: A close up of Jimelly’s body in Raxium’s hand, his body is releasing a strange yellow vapor. These are his water controlling pheromones.

    Jimelly (thought): I best give Adrian a hand. I’ve already had one apprentice squished flat, don’t need another.

    Panel 5: The pheromones float before the button on the front of Adrian’s headpiece, shaping the water in the air into a small ball.

    Panel 6: The water ball pushes against the button, it responds glowing topaz yellow.


    Page 32: Two Panels. One is taking ¼ of the top, two taking the rest.

    Panel 1: Neck up on Adrian. A network of yellow veins courses over Adrian’s face and neck. His eyes glow bright yellow. This panel stretches across the top of the page, Adrian center. There is a colorful dramatic background behind him. A mask comes up over his mouth and nose.

    Computerized Voice: Lemorion Exosuit Activated. Water Sensory Activated. Pheromone Levels Max. Biological Enhancements Peak.

    Adrian (thought): That’s what I’m talkin’ bout.

    Panel 2: Final near-splash. Adrian is now holding the large gun with one hand, with the other he has his thumb on his chest, pointing to himself. He has a confident smile across his face. The accents on his arms, legs, head, and belt are glowing topaz yellow. He’s Showtime now.

    Showtime (big text): Me? You can call me (huge, dramatic font) Showtime!

    To Be Continued…

    [End Issue #1]
    _________________________________________________________________
    I really like the ending and the cliffhanger. I’m too happy to say anything negative about it.

    Now that I’m done, I can start the painful process of editing for brevity.

    What do you all think?

  240. B. Macon 23 Mar 2009 at 7:26 pm

    Comments and suggestions, as before.

    I don’t think I understand the placement of panels 3-7. “Panels 3 and 4 border the left. Panels 5 and 6 border the right.” Aren’t we talking about the placement of panel 5 here? I suspect that you meant to say that panels 6 and 7 border the right. However, if that’s the case, then I think that panel 5 will be a tall shot rather than wide shot.

    I’d recommend having this suit actually transform to fit him. Maybe he touches it and it resizes itself.

    “Mischievious” is mischievous.

    I’d recommend replacing “heck” with “hell.”

    “I need to see what that is” needs a period at the end.

    “Adrian stops at a small, porthole-esque window on the staircase at this angle we don’t see his face.” This probably needs to be made into two sentences with a period after staircase. For example, “Adrian stops at a small porthole-esque window on the staircase. At this angle, we don’t see Adrian’s face.” I specified that it was Adrian’s face because we’re about to introduce a new character.

    When we start slicing for length, I suspect that the panel introducing Raxium can fit into half a page rather than three-quarters.

    It’s a bit weird to give Jim a thought-bubble in this scene because Adrian is the POV.

    I don’t think the pheromones will be clear to readers. It might help if he explained a bit about that beforehand.

    I’d recommend making the computerized voice say stuff that’s more cleanly tensed. Also, we don’t need to know the word Lemorion yet. Maybe something like “Activation pheromones received. Aquatic control systems on-line. Biological enhancements complete.” Instead of pheromones, you could have Jimelly activate this with a voice-code. Something like “Initiate new-user sequence” (or something a bit wackier) would be pretty easy to understand.

    “talkin’ bout.” I’d recommend making bout “about” here.

    Nice cliffhanger, but I think the final page needs more action.

  241. Ragged Boyon 23 Mar 2009 at 7:58 pm

    That was a typo regarding the panel placement. Panel 6 and 7 border the right; 5 is the tall one.

    I agree 95% with your suggestions, I’m off to revisions. I’m so giddy.

  242. B. Macon 23 Mar 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Ok. Right now, you have 32 pages. I’d like to cut this down to 28 or 26.

    I suspect that pages 3-4 could be condensed into a single page. I notice that the two pages only total around 20 words of text. That will make the merge much easier.

    On page 10, you might be able to save some space by doing panel 1 as an insert on panel 2. Also, in panel 1, the typical reader won’t be able to tell whether his work is wrong. Having him do a lot of scratching-out will help cue us in that he’s not entirely on his game.

    I’d recommend doing panels 3-5 small on page 10. You can probably bring in panels 1-2 from page 11 onto this page.

    Score! On page 12, I think you can cut out the panels where he considers running out the school staircase but decides not to. I’d also recommend introducing the cop almost immediately. Of these seven panels, you could probably bring this page down to three or so and bring in panels from the next page.

    On page 14, panels 1-2 could probably be merged.

    On page 15, I figure you could probably remove a few of these panels.

    On page 21, I’d recommend eliminating panel 2. Panel 3 could probably be merged with 4.

    On page 28, I figure you could probably eliminate a few panels.

    On page 29, panels 1-2 could probably be removed. I think pages 29-30 can be squeezed on to one page. (You might need to move some of the panels that are currently on 29 to 28).

    If we get a splash of Adrian on 32, we probably don’t need to see so much of Adrian’s suit beforehand.

    Ok, what do you think?

  243. Ragged Boyon 24 Mar 2009 at 4:20 pm

    This is could be a long process. For every panel I delete, I have to move all the following panels forward.

    Let’s see I’ve cut it down to 30. I’m essentially looking for pages to merge, but I’m also cut and merging panels..

  244. B. Macon 24 Mar 2009 at 4:23 pm

    I suspect that Celtx would really come in handy during this phase of the writing/editing process.

  245. Ragged Boyon 24 Mar 2009 at 4:36 pm

    Is there any way I can get my Word file onto Celtx?

  246. Ragged Boyon 24 Mar 2009 at 5:17 pm

    I did it! I did it! I got it down to 28 pages.

    I don’t think I can condense it anymore without having to cut scenes.

    I actually did it, I put my mind to something and got it done. *Jumps up and down, falls and hurts elbow*

    Ok, so time for the big question.

    What do you think of the whole issue?

  247. Ragged Boyon 24 Mar 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Alright, Alright! Stop looking at me with those condemining eyes.

    I lied, but I’m really sorry. I could only get it down to 30 pages (not 28). However, I did make a bunch of adjustments like you suggested. I got rid of alot of useless/unnecessary panels, but could only merge a few pages. Don’t be mad at me, I’m only human.

  248. B. Macon 24 Mar 2009 at 5:43 pm

    I’m typing it into Celtx as we speak. So far, I’m about a third done. However, I think the comments feature is worth the time.

  249. Ragged Boyon 26 Mar 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Aah! Just as I was basking in my victory another drudgerous step begins. Editing. Just saying makes my skin crawl. According to those Celtx notes I’ve got alot of editing to do. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

    I’ll have to wait a bit before I do the editing. I like the feeling that I’ve made some progress first.

  250. Ragged Boyon 26 Mar 2009 at 8:12 pm

    Some of the stuff you mentioned in the notes has already been edited in the Word version. I’ve already merged pages 3 and 4.

  251. B. Macon 27 Mar 2009 at 9:43 am

    Hello. I sent you an e-mail.

  252. Ragged Boyon 27 Mar 2009 at 10:29 am

    Ok, I got it.

  253. Ragged Boyon 29 Mar 2009 at 7:34 am

    Yes, I got it down to 29. I just need one more.

  254. Ragged Boyon 29 Mar 2009 at 8:45 am

    I’ve finished editing for your notes, I think it’s looking a lot smoother. I was able to cut one page. Maybe I can cut another from the other half and get the script down to 28.

  255. B. Macon 29 Mar 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Hmm. What did you do with pages 3-4? I get a pretty strong vibe that there’s not enough going on there to justify using two pages. I suspect that you could comfortably fit all of those pictures and the few lines of dialogue onto a single page.

  256. Wingson 30 Mar 2009 at 4:12 pm

    Hey.

    I’ve never visited your forum before, Ragged Boy. This is just my opinion, but from what I’ve read here I’d definitely consider buying this. Good work!

    – (Kentucky Fried Chicken) Wings

  257. Ragged Boyon 30 Mar 2009 at 5:36 pm

    Thanks, that means alot to me. 🙂

  258. Ragged Boyon 31 Mar 2009 at 7:00 am

    I’ve started editing for my second half and I think I may be able to get rid of one more page. That would leave me at 28 pages, any fewer and I’d be lacking a story.

    Question: What do I do after I’m done editing? I’m guessing I begin issue two.

  259. B. Macon 31 Mar 2009 at 7:12 am

    After you’re done editing the first issue, then I’d recommend drawing out a rough outline of the plot for the series as a whole. Then you can put together your pitch, add five completed sample pages, and sell the series to a publisher.

    Most publishers are fine with seeing a single issue. I can only think of one that specifically mentioned that they expect more– Abacus Comics will only consider series that have at least four issues ready.

    Incidentally. I don’t think that the difference between 28 and 24 pages is major. However, if an editor demands that you compress the story to 24 pages, it’s definitely doable.

  260. B. Macon 31 Mar 2009 at 4:15 pm

    Hi, Ragged Boy. I’ve added a new comment to your grammatical review forum. Also, I’ve added a password to the forum. The password is your last name (case-sensitive, so don’t forget to capitalize the first letter).

  261. Ragged Boyon 31 Mar 2009 at 6:10 pm

    I think what I’ll do with Adrain is give him the DNA shot in issue three, but not have a subtle transformation until the end of the issue, or the next issue. I want his transformation to be slow-paced, so that it can be a shocker towards the end.

    I think I may give Jimelly’s team varying abilities instead of just water control. That way I don’t have to introduce other characters for variety. I’m going to keep Michal/Lace. I may make her into an actual love-interest for Adrian. I’ll focus on Adrian, Jimelly, Lae’Trell, three other members on Adrian’s team, and Michal. That’s seven characters, however, the team members will probably be generic characters with minor tweaks.

    This is just some plot information. I wanted to type it down so that I remembered it.

  262. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Hello. I’ve been looking into Dark Horse. (Have I mentioned I’m applying there?) I looked through their recent releases and I notice that most of their comics publish at 32 pages rather than 24. (I think they only have two series that print at 24 and around ten that print at 32). They also have several series that publish at 40 pages, but those tend to be licensed properties with major audiences (Buffy, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, etc). If you’re feeling squeezed for space, you could consider moving up to 32 pages.

  263. Ragged Boyon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Wait, so you mean to tell me I did all that cram editing to get this thing down to 28 pages, and now it doesn’t matter. *Throws a vase at an old lady*. I think I’m good where I am now. I’m glad to know that the length limit is higher; that will definitely help me with pacing. All that editing (you and) I did was going to happen one way or another, so it’s no biggy.

    Thanks for the newsflash.

  264. B. Macon 11 Apr 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Hmm. Depending on which other publishers you look at, you might want to have a 24 page version ready to go anyway.

  265. Ragged Boyon 29 Apr 2009 at 8:06 am

    B. Mac, guess what…?

    I’m getting a job this summer. Technically, I already have the job, but we don’t start until the summer. Now I can save up to pay an artist. Now I just have to get my synopsis together. Admi

    I think my story needs a little more edge, though. Are you with me in thinking that it’s a little generic? But what could spice it up?

  266. B. Macon 29 Apr 2009 at 10:18 am

    I don’t feel like it’s generic. It might help you to reorder the beginning, though. I think that Adrian is more gripping and likable than what we see of Jiminy and LT on the first two pages.

    I’m happy to hear about the job. Good luck on your artist!

  267. Ragged Boyon 30 Apr 2009 at 8:30 am

    “I think that Adrian is more gripping and likable than what we see of Jiminy and LT on the first two pages.”

    I’d agree with you. But how do you suppose I go about introducing the aliens early on? Is it okay to introduce them when Adrian first sees Jimelly?

  268. Holliequon 30 Apr 2009 at 9:09 am

    I think you might be able to put the aliens’ pages after Adrian leaves the auditions.

  269. Ragged Boyon 30 Apr 2009 at 9:27 am

    I’m really trying to get back into my Showtime story. I’ve had some great new ideas for his costume and limitations and whatnot. But my main focus is issue two. I don’t plan on writing it just yet, but I need to get the outline for the synopsis. So I’m going to lay out some ideas that I may or may not include in issue #2. I’d like some feedback, please.

    – Adrian defeated Raxium.
    – Adrian meets his competition, who have different suits.
    – Adrian and company meet a main rivaling team, no violence yet.
    – Jimelly explains basis of the contest, but not the experiment, to keep suspense.
    – Rivaling team gets savage
    -Fight between Adrian’s team and rival ensues
    -Cliffhanger: Enter The Council

    What do you think?

    This is just a general outline. Issue #2’s main focus is introducing the contest and the savagery of it. Issue #3 is when we start to get more alien and the metamorphosis begins. Remember when Adrian dropped that chemical that Jimelly gave him to drink. Well, that wasn’t a immune system booster it was a mutation blocker. And because Adrain didn’t drink it like everyone else, he’ll face a more direct DNA mutation. Cliche alert: Adrian will be the one that make the evolutionary jump to somewhat of a superbeing. However, his transformation isn’t perfect and will only last for the final battle.

    What do you think? I know I haven’t given you much to go off of, but a general idea would suffice.

  270. Ragged Boyon 30 Apr 2009 at 9:28 am

    I like that idea, Hollie. It might work. More Adrian and I get to keep my aliens early on.

  271. Wingson 30 Apr 2009 at 9:57 am

    I know I’ve said it before, but when you get published (not if, when) I’m assuredly going to buy Showtime, and tell friends about it. You are an excellent writer!

    – Wings

  272. Ragged Boyon 30 Apr 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Thanks! That means a lot to me. I’m glad I’m not pursuing some waste of time. Fortunately, I think everyone here is working diligently on there works. I can easily say that a good portion of us could get published with a little clean up.

  273. Wingson 30 Apr 2009 at 1:44 pm

    I hope so. *prays*

    Being a musician would be awesome, but I still love my writing too much.

    A waste of time?!? You cal this a waste of time?!? Eragon and Twilight are wastes of time. Are you saying your work is like Eragon or Twilight? (If you say yes, I will find out where you live and beat some sense into you)

    I mean, with a little cleanup, your writing quality and style could beat theirs. Heck, it’s already beating theirs.

    – Wings

  274. Ragged Boyon 30 Apr 2009 at 1:49 pm

    You flatter me. 😀

    Thanks a bunch!

  275. Holliequon 30 Apr 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Who are the Council? This could make a great cliffhanger, but . . . uh, it doesn’t really sound like one. I assume that it would sound more interesting when you set it up.

    Is there a reason Jimelly explains only part of what’s going on?

    I think the rival team and the “savagery” of the contest could go hand-in-hand, although veiled. I think if you only show that the rivalry is tending towards violence when the violence is about to start, it will feel a little sudden.

    Does his alter-ego “Showtime” appear in issue 2? If not, when? Because if it’s the title of the series, it’s probably something that should be seen as early on as possible.

    I think it sounds pretty good right now. 🙂 If I saw this, I’d probably pick it up.

  276. Ragged Boyon 30 Apr 2009 at 2:09 pm

    Thanks for your comments, Holliequ. I’ll answer some of your concerns:

    The Council is the simple strongest universal government power. In other words, they’re the one’s who are running the whole show.

    Crap, I have to go. I’ll answer your concerns later. Bye.

  277. Davidon 30 Apr 2009 at 2:36 pm

    when i hear counicel i think Mass effect (great game iwould adivce anyone to play it) or lelo and stich maby you could change the word couincel to something else

    i mean Dr who had the shadow proclomasion (not spelt right i know but any DR who fan will know what i mean)

    so you could try

    The united

    i like this one “The one” signifaing the unitry of alot of Races under one banner

    the union

    or something along thous lines i just think The counciel is used with alot of Alien groups

  278. Ragged Boyon 01 May 2009 at 4:10 am

    I’ve never played Mass Effect, but I do suspect Council is overused by aliens. I don’t care for the United or the Union. I like the Renaissance, but I’m already using in Sketch. I know I want the councilman to be called Judges, but other than that I don’t know. I’ll come up with something.

  279. Stefan the Exploding Manon 01 May 2009 at 7:23 am

    I think it would make for a better cliffhanger if it had a more interesting ring to it rather than the generic “Council”. Maybe the Extraterrestrial Ninja Council or the Cosmic Council of Awesomeness. Or maybe not those two, but you get the idea. Something that will pull readers back for the next issue.

    I like the cliffhanger for the first issue, though. Introducing Showtime in a large splash is a pretty effective ending for the issue, especially if the costume design is interesting and iconic. I agree with B.Mac, though. It would work better if we saw less of the costume earlier in the issue.

  280. Ragged Boyon 01 May 2009 at 8:15 am

    Don’t worry, I fixed the costume issue as soon as it was brought up.

    I’m focusing on the image of the ship as the cliffhanger for the next issue. I’d be pretty interested if a gigantic ship appears just outside of Earth’s atmosphere. I’ll probably have Jimelly introduce them nonchalantliy, he doesn’t care for the Council.

    Jimelly(sarcastic expression): Oh, this is most excellent. The Council is here. Gird your loins.

    Adrian: The Council? They sound important.

    Jimelly: Holders of omniscent knowledge and the highest degrees of snobbery. You have to be pretty important to have your nose that high in the air. Have a look.

    Jimelly activates a large monitor showing the image of a gigantic oval shaped ship floating outside of Earth’s atmosphere. It has glowing balls of light dancing around it.

    Adrian: Is that them?

    Jimelly: No! that’s just a guard ship. That’s the Council’s ship!

    An image of an even bigger spherical ship floating behind the oval one. It’s decorated with large lights.

  281. Ragged Boyon 01 May 2009 at 9:35 am

    Answering the rest of Holliqu’s concerns:

    Jimelly only explains the contest portion of the contest/experiment, because the humans aren’t supposed to know it’s an experiment. The Council knew that humans would not willingly subject themselves to DNA mutation, but they could accept the sport of a contest. The Council knew that humans were very competitive people and used that as a cover for their work. The idea of using humans as guinea pigs for DNA transformation is kind of underhanded, but the Council regulated mutation blocker. That way if the mutation went to far the blocker would stop the strand from killing the person or something else…(coughcough Adrian didin’t drink his)

    The violence level is one of the particular reason I chose such a harsh setting. It’s easier to understand that the people in this city would be more violent. Most people won’t kill you, but they won’t hesitate to pummel you bloody and senseless. However, some of the alien mentor aren’t the best of ethics and will induce their recruits with mutating serums before they are ready. This will lead to homicidal half-alien mooks.

    We see Showtime in the final splash of issue #1, when he introduces himself as Showtime. We see him in action at the very beginning of issue #2 fighting Raxium. I’m hoping this is forgiveable because my story is gripping enough. Although, I’m satisfied with my first issue.

    And don’t worry, The Council (or whatever I change it too) will be interesting.

    Thanks again for the input, Hollie. 😉

  282. Avi Arunon 01 May 2009 at 9:44 am

    The Council? Where did you get that idea? I’ve been using that for almost an year now. Can you kindly change the name?

  283. Avi Arunon 01 May 2009 at 9:49 am

    “The Council is the simple strongest universal government power”

    Our councils are pretty similar. Your council is the strongest universal government. My council is the collective union of the government of every country.

    I got news for you! There’s something like your council that already exists in real world. If you are not aware of this already, search for ‘Illuminati’ in wikipedia.

  284. Davidon 01 May 2009 at 10:21 am

    The council is really standerd for any alien group so its all ready been taken by star wars lelo and stich and mass effect probs even star treck

  285. B. Macon 01 May 2009 at 11:37 am

    Avi, I think there are a lot of stories– particularly space operas– that name things a Council. For example, Mass Effect and Deadlock among many, many others… I think it’s safe to say that RB came up with the phrase independent of your work.

    That doesn’t make it any less cliche, but I think that it’s fairly easy to fix that problem. For example, Star Wars had a “Jedi Council,” which is somewhat more interesting than just a council.

  286. Tomon 01 May 2009 at 12:46 pm

    It’s even a trope:

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheOmniscientCouncilOfVagueness

  287. Ragged Boyon 01 May 2009 at 1:38 pm

    In that case I’m definitely changing the name. I want something that sounds official and stern.

  288. Ragged Boyon 01 May 2009 at 2:33 pm

    I like the Conclave. I haven’t heard it before and it sounds official. There also the Chamber or the Conference.

    I want the name to be one word. To emphasize that they have more important matters than an elaborate name.

  289. Davidon 01 May 2009 at 3:17 pm

    i like the Conclave

    “We are the Convlave” or “We are the Conference” or “We are the One”

    “We are the dinastay” or something along thoughs lines

    ps Ragged boy could you have a look at my review form as well i posted the end of Chapter 2 also the TT site its your post in both RPGs” 😛

  290. Avi Arunon 02 May 2009 at 10:08 am

    I didn’t know The Council had been used already. I was thinking it was totally original. So much for that!

    Okay, with that said, I’m going to change the name too. I know I must post this in open writing forum, but since this discussion is already on here, let me post it here.

    Give me some good alternatives for council too? If this is irrelevant here, kindly shift this post to open writing forum. Thanks!

  291. B. Macon 02 May 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Assembly, Conclave, Enclave (careful! Fallout already used this very prominently), Conference, Directorate, Chamber, Company (careful! Heroes got there first), Committee… some of these really need a word or phrase to provide some flavor.

  292. Ragged Boyon 04 May 2009 at 4:06 am

    I like Enclave, but I don’t want Bethesda step on my toes.

  293. Holliequon 04 May 2009 at 9:21 am

    If you want to give them a feel of self-importance, you could try the Jury.

  294. Ragged Boyon 04 May 2009 at 9:29 am

    Oh, I like the Jury. It’s out of the Jury or the Conclave.

    I think I’ll go with Conclave, because it feels like a broader title. I think the Jury is just a little too narrow.

    Thanks for the input, though.

  295. Ragged Boyon 04 May 2009 at 9:31 am

    Maybe the organization is called the Conclave, but the main brains behind it are called the Jury. I love it. Now they can have titles like Jurer Qwertyuiop.

  296. Ragged Boyon 05 May 2009 at 9:47 am

    Since, I’ve established a skeleton for issue #2, let move on to issue #3.

    Main Focus: The Conclave’s Ambition and the Experiment’s (Which I need to name) Flourish.

    Begins hours after where issue 2 leaves off.

    -Messenger ships deploy down to Earth.
    -Messengers tell the mentors it’s time for phase 3 (phase 1 being finding a location, and phase 2 being recruiting and training humans). Messenger give Jimelly the “special briefcase contain the chemically altered alien DNA samples.

    Crap, I have to go, I’ll finish this later.

  297. B. Macon 05 May 2009 at 10:39 am

    What is an experiment’s flourish?

    When you end issue #2, I’d recommend making it more urgent. OK, the Conclave shows up in a massive ship. So what? What’s at stake? What bold feats are in store for Adrian next time?

    If Jim likes Adrian more than he likes the Conclave, I think it would help to give him another reason to hold back on Adrian.

  298. Ragged Boyon 05 May 2009 at 11:14 am

    The phrasing experiment’s flourish. This is when the main part of the experiment begins, when the humans begin to get mutated.

    Calm down. The cliffhanger will be interesting, have some faith. 😉 The big ship scene was just an idea, I’m still playing with things. I really don’t know how I’m going to introduce them yet. And I probably won’t know until I actually write issue two.

    “If Jim likes Adrian more than he likes the Conclave, I think it would help to give him another reason to hold back on Adrian.”

    I don’t think I elaborated on this enough. Jimelly does like Adrian more than the Conclave, but still administers the DNA treatment to Adrian. He believes Adrian took the mutation blocker so nothing negative would happen to him in case the experiment fails. But Adrian didn’t take it, he dropped it (hint hint).

    Thanks for the concern, B. Mizzle. 😀

  299. Ragged Boyon 06 May 2009 at 8:32 am

    Ok, lets continue:

    Main Focus: The Conclave’s Ambition and the Experiment’s (Which I need to name) Flourish.

    Begins hours after where issue 2 leaves off.

    – Messenger ships deploy down to Earth.
    – Messengers tell the mentors it’s time for phase 3 (phase 1 being finding a location, and phase 2 being recruiting and training humans). Messenger give Jimelly the “special briefcase contain the chemically altered alien DNA samples.
    – Jimelly administers the DNA injections. This scene will probably lean towards the comical side.
    – Adrian and company test out their upgraded bodies.
    – New and improved alien rivals. Time for a scuffle.
    – Cliffhanger: Interruption from the Body (Big Bad Gang).

    What do you think?

  300. Ragged Boyon 06 May 2009 at 9:48 am

    Author’s Note
    I’m in a very unorganized state of heavy planning, so don’t read too much into the ideas I post. I’m mostly just posting them for impressions and to be able to look at what I want to change and stick with.

    Regarding Time-Skips:
    I’ll probably add a time skip at the end of issue 2. Although, the Conclave ship shows up, I’ll qualify the skip by saying that the Conclave is giving them a month to prep the recruits. I need it to skip about a month, in that time they’ll be training with their suits. Hopefully, this will make for some bad-ass scenes when people are using their newly learned skills. This will save me the trouble of having to put a time skip after the injections, so that the characters can get used to their new bodies. I’ll qualify this by stating that the suit imitates what the alien’s body can do. Anything their suit can do, they can do with their alienized bodies, but it’s natural and usually stronger.

    Moving on to Issue #4:

    Main Focus: Enter the Body!

    Continuing immediately after Issue #3, where a member of Unitus’ Body along with a pack of rabid mutated human confronts Adrian. He/she leaves a message saying that the Conclave better watch out. Unitus’ plan has been set into motion. (Phase 1 of Unitus’ plan was to tamper with a mass of DNA samples, infecting it with a chemical that breaks down the mutation blocker and speeds up the mutation rate. Basically, marring about 75% of the samples)

    – Body member unleashes humanoids on Adrian and company.
    – Fight with humanoids. The mutations are stronger than they appear.
    – Jimelly intervenes unleashing an anti-mutagen upon the rejects.
    – Jimelly and company go to the Jury to tell what happened.

    Whoops, gotta go. Tell me some thoughts.

  301. Ragged Boyon 06 May 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Hooray for progress! Lets continue:

    – The Jury decides not to bother with such a minor issue as Unitus when they have the experiment to worry about. We learn more about the Jury, particularly why Jimelly doesn’t like them.
    – Adrian and company decide to take it upon themselve to investigate the Body.
    – They infiltrate the Body’s NH base, finding plans and other incriminating stuff.
    – Cliffhanger: All four Body members show up to fight. Only Lock, Boom, and Mange fight. Vorp goes off to level the playing field.

    I know I’m kind of rushing. What do you think? Don’t forget issue #3, as well?

  302. B. Macon 06 May 2009 at 2:07 pm

    If the story skips forward a month, what’s going on with Adrian’s alternate identity? If he disappears for a month, won’t his friends/family/school notice?

  303. Ragged Boyon 06 May 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Issue #5 coming tomorrow.

  304. Ragged Boyon 06 May 2009 at 2:13 pm

    No, he’s resuming his life and training at the same time. Showtime is a very rough superhero in the beginning, I hope to show this in the Raxium fight. The time skip will serve as a vehicle to advance his skills and water control without having to show everything. I hope it’s not too much a shortcut. I decided against the “getting used to it” part.

    He’s still on Earth and in his neighborhood, so his normal life is still going on. The only loose end I’ll have to tie up is the audition.

  305. Ragged Boyon 07 May 2009 at 4:09 am

    B. Mac, could you post a format or a criteria sheet for a comic book synopsis, please? I’d like you to e-mail me one, too. But I’d like one here because I’m not sure when I’ll be able to access my email account.

  306. B. Macon 07 May 2009 at 8:50 pm

    The format for comic book synopses is slightly different at different publishers.

    For example, Dark Horse’s guidelines for the synopsis are that…

    [The complete synopsis should] succinctly tell the entire story: beginning, middle, and end, omitting unnecessary details. A short-story synopsis should be no longer than a page. A synopsis for a series (limited or ongoing) or graphic novel should be about two to five pages. Indicate issue breaks where applicable. A synopsis should say exactly what happens and how, noting plot and character specifics. Do not leave the resolution of the story in question. This should be the most straightforward presentation of the story as possible, as the synopsis is often the make-or-break point for a proposal.

    Writing a synopsis for Image Comics

    [We want] a typed, ONE PAGE, synopsis of the overall STORY. We DO NOT want a single-issue synopsis — we want a synopsis of the ENTIRE series or story arc. As concisely and as succinctly as you are able, TELL US THE STORY, make us interested. Please avoid hyperbole — avoid questions as plot points (“What will Barney do when confronted with…?”), etc. We are the PUBLISHER, not the audience. TELL US WHAT HAPPENS! Explain why we (or anyone else) would be interested in this series. KEEP IT SHORT! We get thousands of submissions, cut to the chase — if you can sell us your book with a single paragraph, do it!

    You can tell us whether you see it as a full color or a black and white book, a mini or on-going series, a Prestige book or an Original Graphic Novel. There are times, however, when we may have a better idea what might fly so don’t get married to any one format but we’d like to know what you have in mind. Tell us what sets it apart from other comics and who the target audience is (“Everyone” is NOT realistic — there’s no single book on the market today that everybody buys).

    I notice that Image’s specifications make it sound like the synopsis is written as much for businessmen as an editor. They want to know your competitive angle and your target audience, but they don’t give you as much length to cover the details of the story. A single page can’t cover everything that happens, so you’ll have to pick the details that matter.

  307. A.T.Gantton 08 May 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Ok, thanks.

  308. B. Macon 08 May 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Hmm. “A.T. Gantt” is growing on me. Still not sure about the double-T, though.

  309. A.T.Gantton 09 May 2009 at 2:05 pm

    I like the double-T. I think it makes me seem official and it balances the name. A.T.Gant… Oh god, that looks awful.

  310. Ragged Boyon 09 May 2009 at 2:56 pm

    What anyone like to offer some feedback on what they think of my planned issue 3 and 4? They start here.

    Any input is appreciated. 😀

  311. B. Macon 09 May 2009 at 5:04 pm

    Ok. Good luck with that, ATG.

  312. Ragged Boyon 10 May 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Ok, moving right along issue #5. Remember, any input is appreciated.

    Continuing where issue #4 left off…

    – Adrian’s company and Body members duke it out.
    – Adrian and company win taking out two members. Exit Boom and Lock. Mange escapes.
    – Adrian and company return to Jimelly. They tell him what’s going down.
    – Jimelly informs them that they have no time to pursue this case. The contest is drawing into the finals.
    – Everyone goes to Conclave ship for the finals.
    – Adrian fights Jimelly (disguised as a human competitor) and loses quickly.
    – As Adrian is being taken to the de-power-ization chamber, Jimelly in disguise saves him.
    – Foreshadowing: Jimelly informs Adrian that the Body is in Earth’s orbit.

  313. B. Macon 10 May 2009 at 5:02 pm

    I think that it’s kind of disappointing when Jim saves him. Jim’s kind of a guardian angel there. It might be more dramatic if Adrian saves himself instead.

  314. Ragged Boyon 10 May 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Good point. I’ll need to give him some initiative to try and resist them. Maybe while he’s looking around he spots a Body member. I’ll think on it.

    If you haven’t noticed, I’m in manic (good manic) writer mode. 😀

  315. Ragged Boyon 10 May 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Holy crap! I completely forgot about Michelle. I have to get her into there.

  316. Ragged Boyon 11 May 2009 at 1:38 pm

    I’ll worry about Michelle later. I’ve got to keep moving while I’m still manic. I think I’m having too much fun planning this.

    Issue #6

    Picking up after Jimelly has taken Adrian away from from the Conclave ship. In pursuit of the Body ship. This is where the planning gets really raw. Before I had some general direction, but now I’m just storming.

    – Jimelly administers an extra boost of alien DNA to Adrian.
    – Adrian freaks outk,hlknlkzjc xziuo

  317. Ragged Boyon 11 May 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Oops, sorry my friend was messing with me. I’ll finish this later.

  318. Ragged Boyon 11 May 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Actually, before I continue, I’d really like some input on what I have so far. I’m only asking this because I’m about to venture into new territory. So I’d like a general idea. I probably need someone to deflate my head.

    So what do you think of the progression of the story? Slow? Fast? Anything?

    Thanks. 😀

  319. B. Macon 11 May 2009 at 2:36 pm

    I don’t think I can judge the pacing based on what I see so far. But that doesn’t matter; I feel that you almost have enough to start writing the first draft of the synopsis.

    Here are my main concerns about the series as a whole.

    –I don’t feel like the villains are very compelling. Where’s the ambition? What are they trying to accomplish? How and why?

    –I feel like the contest/experiment setup needs to be smoother, more fleshed out, more stylish, etc. For example, the premise of Dark Horse’s Gigantic is that Earth is the setting for the galaxy’s most popular reality TV series. I feel like that’s a lot more stylish than a possibly confusing setup about a contest that might be an experiment or vice versa. I’d recommend pulling out the stops on this one because this is absolutely critical to understanding why Adrian and Jim come together, and why Adrian is made into a superhero.

    –How does Michelle tie into this? If she’s not important, I’d leave her out of the synopsis altogether.

    Ok, that’s all I can think of. To recap, this is what Image Comics is looking for in a comic synopsis.

    [We want] a typed, ONE PAGE, synopsis of the overall STORY. We DO NOT want a single-issue synopsis — we want a synopsis of the ENTIRE series or story arc. As concisely and as succinctly as you are able, TELL US THE STORY, make us interested. Please avoid hyperbole — avoid questions as plot points (”What will Barney do when confronted with…?”), etc. We are the PUBLISHER, not the audience. TELL US WHAT HAPPENS! Explain why we (or anyone else) would be interested in this series. KEEP IT SHORT! We get thousands of submissions, cut to the chase — if you can sell us your book with a single paragraph, do it!

    You can tell us whether you see it as a full color or a black and white book, a mini or on-going series, a Prestige book or an Original Graphic Novel. There are times, however, when we may have a better idea what might fly so don’t get married to any one format but we’d like to know what you have in mind. Tell us what sets it apart from other comics and who the target audience is (”Everyone” is NOT realistic — there’s no single book on the market today that everybody buys).

  320. Ragged Boyon 12 May 2009 at 4:13 am

    Great points. I’ll have to address them later, though. I’m off to AP Testing.

    Bye.

  321. Davidon 12 May 2009 at 6:45 am

    whats an AP testing?

  322. Ragged Boyon 12 May 2009 at 8:03 am

    AP Testing is Advanced Placement Testing. It’s some long, boring test that we do at the end of the year if we have AP classes. Unlike most people, we don’t get out until June 5. I have to stay here until 3:00 when school ususally gets out at 2:15. It sucks.

  323. Ragged Boyon 12 May 2009 at 8:33 am

    “I don’t feel like the villains are very compelling. Where’s the ambition? What are they trying to accomplish? How and why?”

    I’m glad you brought this up. I hadn’t thought much into the villain’s side, but now I will. So I’ve established my villain as Master Unitus and his Body(Lock, Boom, and Mange are mainly lackies, but Vorp is Unitus’ right-hand man). I know that his main goal is to bring everyone together understand himself and rule as a Paingod. His secondary goal would be to bring down the Conclave. He started this plan by tainting 75% of the DNA samples. His next plan will be to take out their ship by infecting it with his strain of painful mind control. Once the ship is incapacitated, he plans on taking out the Jury itself.

    Without the Conclave, most importantly the Jury, most of the universe would fall into chaos and war. This is where Unitus would come in and involuntarily bring order via painful mind control, if he succeeds. That’s essentially his plan

    He chose to initiate his plan now because he knew the Conclave would be heavily preoccupied in the later stages of the experiment.

    The Body only real style is that they’re extremely compotent, even though two of them die. Unitus has a style of thinking he’s the good guy and being delusional. I’ll try to add as much style as I can.

    Did I mention there’s going to be a giant robot? Jim and Adrian are going to have to fight it with only some tech and chemicals.

    How’s this? My thinking was disorganized, so if there’s something I missed feel free to call me out on it.

  324. B. Macon 12 May 2009 at 12:23 pm

    One of the nice things about AP tests is that universities– particularly public ones– are usually very generous about accepting them as credit, so you can place out of introductory courses filled with people that are not particularly motivated or prepared to succeed. You might also be able to place out of requirements. Notre Dame arts and letters students are typically required to take a math course and a physical science, but my scores on Calculus and Biology covered those.

  325. Ragged Boyon 13 May 2009 at 4:07 am

    I’ll probably have to take a math course, I failed Algebra I in the ninth. But as for science and other subjects, I’m pretty set. My test yesterday was AP Psychology, but today I have AP Language and Composition. Time to ace some essays.

  326. Ragged Boyon 13 May 2009 at 12:31 pm

    “How does Michelle tie into this? If she’s not important, I’d leave her out of the synopsis altogether.”

    I think I’ll put her in Adrian’s team. I’m not sure yet. I like her powers and personality and either way she will just be an interesting side character. I think I’ll tone down the love-interest edge and just keep her as a Catwoman-esque character.

    I’ll also have to remeber to make the rest of Adrian’s team interesting people. Seeing as they will be in focus for a good portion of the beginning. As a matter of fact, I’ll get on that now.

    Quite frankly, I’m glad this is one of your concerns and that it’s a minor one. I’m just glad it’s not something like the “the plot seems flimsy” or “the characters are lacking style.”

  327. Ragged Boyon 14 May 2009 at 8:12 am

    Just a reminder, I’m submitting to Dark Horse. Or at least DH with be the first I submit to.

    Dark Horse Synopsis Guidlines:
    “[The complete synopsis should] succinctly tell the entire story: beginning, middle, and end, omitting unnecessary details. A short-story synopsis should be no longer than a page. A synopsis for a series (limited or ongoing) or graphic novel should be about two to five pages. Indicate issue breaks where applicable. A synopsis should say exactly what happens and how, noting plot and character specifics. Do not leave the resolution of the story in question. This should be the most straightforward presentation of the story as possible, as the synopsis is often the make-or-break point for a proposal.”

    I have a few concerns:

    -What exactly do they mean by unnecessary details? I have an idea, of course, but clarification never hurt. What’s an example of one?

    -Would “controlling water through a special pheromone” be a character specific or an unnecessary detail? What’s an example of a character specific?

    – Should I start the synopsis with a character synopsis of Adrian to introduce him?

    – Is there a format to writing a synopsis? Or can it be free-form as long as it gets the job done? Of course, I plan to be neat and organized, anyway.

    – My main concern is that I’m not particularly sure what level of detail to go into. I’ll probably lean more to the descriptive side, but that could be dangerous because they like brevity.

    – Do you think 7-8 issues (probably 8) is pushing it for a first-time writer? Or is this acceptable as long as the story sells?

  328. B. Macon 14 May 2009 at 9:18 am

    I think 6 issues is pushing it, to be honest. The only 7+ issue arc I’ve seen is The Watchmen, and Alan Moore is a superstar.

    I would recommend doing a synopsis for a smaller amount of issues (at most six, but ideally four or five). If the first issue sells well, you can discuss an extension with the editor. (There are so many wacky things in the comic book industry that I think no one would notice if the first issue was #1 of 4 and the second one was #2 of 6). Or you can just move the additional material into the second arc, in case the first arc sells well.

    The main two factors are costs and storytelling. First, costs. Each issue will cost at least tens of thousands of dollars to create, print and distribute. If I were the editor, I’d be seriously skittish about signing on a first-time author for a six-issue series that would probably require a six-figure budget.

    The second issue is storytelling. Six issues at thirty-two pages would be 192 pages. If you need more than that to resolve the arc, I would surmise that the story has issues with conciseness and/or padding and/or focus.

  329. B. Macon 14 May 2009 at 9:26 am

    –I’m inclined to say that describing his water control is useful because it affects the genre of the series. (A magical or a light sci-fi series would feel different to readers).

    –An unnecessary detail is one that helps the editor answer neither of the following questions:
    1) Is this story publishable?
    2) Is it sellable?

    –I’m not sure what you have in mind for your character synopsis of Adrian. I would recommend starting off with a paragraph describing Adrian, what’s about to happen to him, and why we should care.

    –Anything that gets the job done in terms of formatting. But keep it easy to read and well-organized, of course.

    –My personal instinct is that a shorter synopsis will go farther.

  330. Ragged Boyon 14 May 2009 at 9:39 am

    Ah, and here is where a problem arises. This is where major event cuts come into play. However, I’m sure I can still tell an effective story in 5 issues, I think 4 is doable, but I’ll work further. Good thing I didn’t start that synopsis yet. Shortening this story will be a hell of a task. Ok, I’m already getting ideas. This is good.

    “I’m not sure what you have in mind for your character synopsis of Adrian. I would recommend starting off with a paragraph describing Adrian, what’s about to happen him, and why we should care.”

    That’s pretty much what I meant.

    Thanks. I’m off to revisions.

  331. Davidon 18 May 2009 at 11:38 am

    hey RB whats a good name for a cat demon? im gonna use it in our RPG witch btw is ur post

    i just need a gd name for a chater im gonna make

  332. Wingson 18 May 2009 at 1:26 pm

    A cat demon? I’m not RB but I’m good with names….

    If it was a fox demon I’d suggest Kitsune (Japaneses for Fox). Think of cattish sounds (yes, they do exist).

    – Wings

  333. Ragged Boyon 20 May 2009 at 8:37 pm

    Uh-oh, I fear I’ve lost my issue one of Showtime when we lost internet. The name is here, but when I open it up. nothing appears. Oddly, I’m kind of happy about it. If I have truly lost it, then I will rewrite it, but completely different. Honestly, I wasn’t all that excited about my issue #1. It was my baby, but I think I can redo it with much more style and grace. I think I’ll start already into the contest and handle the origin as backstory. I suspect handling it that way will allow me a lot more room to show Adrian/Showtime in his own setting.

    What do you guys think?

  334. Stefan the Exploding Manon 21 May 2009 at 1:21 am

    Go for it. If you’re planning to compress the story into four or five issues then it might be a better idea to try and make your plot tighter or more compressed. I’m interested to see how you weave the backstory into the main plot.

  335. B. Macon 21 May 2009 at 2:05 am

    I don’t want to discourage you from doing any rewrites you feel are necessary, but I think you could probably recover most of your work based on what you’ve posted here. For example, pages 1-27 are available in the top post on this page. Pages 28-32 are available here. You may lose whatever changes you’ve made in the past month, but that seems pretty surmountable (especially now that we’re headed into summer).

  336. B. Macon 21 May 2009 at 2:25 am

    Personally, I think that it might work better to introduce Adrian before the contest. It’s an unusual premise, so I think that laying it out as it unfolds might be the best way to introduce the story to readers in a way that they will care about Adrian and what’s at stake.

    I’d recommend checking out Umbrella Academy and Gigantic for two pretty good examples of how to introduce readers to the story very quickly. UA spends five pages on backstory (describing the origins of the team) and then skips forward ten years.

  337. Ragged Boyon 21 May 2009 at 3:14 am

    I think I want to rewrite it. My main priority is to not have the origin move so slowly. I think I need to move it a little faster. And I probably want to bring in Showtime a little sooner.

  338. B. Macon 21 May 2009 at 3:23 am

    Fair enough. One way you could do that is to have Adrian have a conversation in school with someone (maybe a teacher, maybe a friend or something) that is interesting and sets him apart from the other people at the school. For example, maybe a teacher wants to know why he’s missing class so often. “Is it drugs?” Then I’d shift the visuals to somewhere else– maybe Showtime stopping a crime or something. I’d recommend continuing the conversation with Adrian even though the characters aren’t on panel.

    I think the most important elements are that..
    –It has to be gripping to a prospective reader.
    –Ideally we’ll learn at least a bit about Adrian’s personality.
    –I’d like to learn something about how being Showtime affects Adrian’s life. For example, maybe his teachers are worried or the cops think he’s a truant or whatever.
    –Conflict generally makes a story more interesting and more urgent, so I think a bit of early conflict will help. But I’d recommend making sure that the person Adrian speaks with is a real character and not a two-dimensional Adrian-hater. (He can be an obstacle, but hopefully not a villain).

  339. Ragged Boyon 21 May 2009 at 4:18 am

    I had a similar idea at home last night. It was like what you suggested with a conversation, but instead he was at an audition talking to a director about his odd absences. And then it goes into what you suggest with separate visuals that somehow relate to the action. Then maybe later I’ll explain, with a page or two of flashbacks, the origin of how he found Jim and got into the contest.

    I’ve already got ideas streaming, but I have to calm down and focus.

    Thanks for the help. 😉

  340. B. Macon 21 May 2009 at 4:35 am

    I think a director would work nicely. Good luck with that; please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.

  341. Ragged Boyon 21 May 2009 at 8:05 am

    (Random thoughts)
    Hmm, new first five pages. Gotta make them count. I could defintiely get some good visuals out of Adrian and dialogue will be a piece of cake. I could probably go into the Showtime sequence at around page three. I’m going to avoid splashes and leave more headway for experimental paneling. Ooh, symmetry? Adrian on one side, Showtime on the other.

    (Actual thoughts)
    Ok, I’ve got a scenario thought up. The scene takes place late after school at a theatre club, plus with it being winter it gets dark earlier.

    Scenario: Adrian bursts into theatre club, slightly late, but still ecstatic and ready to act. The Director stops him and asks why is he late and why he’s been absent from rehearsals. Adrian goes off into a hopefully comical tangent about how difficult it was to get there, all the while we see the Showtime sequence of his stopping a gang battle or whatever (the real story, hopefully it can serve to introduce a little bit of the setting, too). Director laughs him off and tells him to get on stage as most people don’t take Adrian seriously.That would be probably the first 4-5 pages. After that it would go into an Adrian scene with him having conflicts with his fellow actors (cough cough Eric, the character, not the 2-D Adrian-hater) and the next day, Saturday, he’d get a call from Jimelly (enter the aliens). Question: Do you think it would be problematic if during the Showtime sequence there was narration by Adrian as well as his dialogue? The narration would focus on Showtime and his actions.

    What do you think?

    Scenario B:

  342. Ragged Boyon 21 May 2009 at 7:50 pm

    What do you guys think? Good? Bad? Anything?

  343. Ragged Boyon 22 May 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Please look up!

  344. Ragged Boyon 29 May 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Hey, I found my issue one. After reading over it again, I think I’ll keep it. I’ve grown fond of it. And quite frankly, I’m proud that I was able to write this. Besides I can work around with it, anyway.

    Now to begin planning issues again.

  345. Trollitradeon 30 May 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Hello, Ragged Boy! I’m not really sure how to start, since you guys have been discussing edits and changes for your comic for months! I probably won’t be very helpful until I get into the swing of things here.

    I’m glad to hear you found your original Issue #01 instead of losing it completely. You mentioned earlier that you were almost happy, though, because you thought you could rewrite it much better a second time. That may not be such a bad idea, to remake the comic’s first issue, even though you still really love your original issue. Given enough thought and attention, second versions can accomplish a lot! If you did make a revised version, you could use your original as a “pilot comic” or something, to see how people like the idea, and get more input on it. But I haven’t read the original yet (just help me find it!), so I dunno. It’s altogether possible that the original has real charm to it.

    Otherwise, I read your earlier post about Adrian coming to theater class. That sounds like a good way to start the group of scenes! Apparently the director isn’t too uptight about Adrian’s chronic lateness, though, if he just laughed it off and told Adrian to get on stage. In my high school, our director would have serious issues if any major actor missed practice more than two or three times, and came late all the time. I’m not sure if the scene you mentioned was supposed to be the beginning scene of the first comic, the second one, in the middle, etc., but it could create some interesting plot tension if there’s a threat that Adrian might get kicked out of the show if he doesn’t start showing up on time. “If you’re late one more time, Adrian, you’re out.” So that could cause some heinous issues while he’s doing his superhero thing, but he’s checking his watch all the time and doing things in a reckless rush so he won’t get kicked out of the play, which he cares a lot about as an actor.

    Him describing how hard it was for him to get to the theater could be really funny, with how you wanted to show little excerpts of his previous battle in there. It would be neat to hear Adrian try to reduce a whole action sequence into seemingly “normal, everyday things” that wouldn’t sound suspicious, especially if you make his “cover up story” directly related to the action sequence… I’m not sure how to explain it.

    Anyways, I don’t know if everybody has already made these suggestions, or if it was helpful at all, but I’m trying to get started. Please let me know where I can read your most current version of your comic, RB! That way, I’ll be able to gauge Showtime’s adventures a little better.

  346. Ragged Boyon 30 May 2009 at 8:30 pm

    “Apparently the director isn’t too uptight about Adrian’s chronic lateness, though, if he just laughed it off and told Adrian to get on stage.”

    I think you may have misinterpreted this. The Director is upset, but when Adrian tries to explain his lateness the director doesn’t take him seriously. After all, he is just some dramatic teen. But this was my plan to the redone issue one. This doesn’t happen in the original version.

    The only way I think of getting the script f Showtime to you is to email it to you. Is that okay?

    Maybe I should rewrite the first issue, but I did some good stuff in the original. I could always self-plagarize.

    I’m glad to see we have a fellow actor on the site. I thought I was the only one with a flair for the dramatic.

  347. Ragged Boyon 01 Jun 2009 at 7:48 am

    I’m still wrestling with myself over whether or not to rewrite my first issue. I think I will, but I don’t know.

  348. B. Macon 01 Jun 2009 at 9:01 am

    My main recommendation is that you write something. Issue #2, the synopsis, the query, the next version of #1, whatever. Keep moving!

  349. Ragged Boyon 01 Jun 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Ok, I think I’m going to go ahead and start laying out events and plans for issue #2. If I’m having too much difficulty planning, then I’ll go ahead and rewrite issue one. For the most part I’m content with keeping issue #1, I still love it.

    “Keep moving!”

    I am, I am. Geez. 😉

  350. Ragged Boyon 02 Jun 2009 at 8:00 am

    Ok, Some I’m planning five issues meaning that I’m going to to be a task. I’ll probably have to skip most of the human part and move to the alien part earlier. I’m cutting the group thing and putting the focus on Adrian.

    Ok, Issue #2. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. The highest I’ll let the issue go is 28 pages. Let’s begin.

    – Showtime defeated Raxium (2-3 pages, I want this to be quick)

    – Jimelly explains the contest to Adrian, Jim tells Adrian training begins tomorrow and gives him communicator bracelet. Adrian rushes off having missed school (2-3 pages)

    – Adrian returns to school and encounters Eric standing in front of a bulletin board. Eric won the big part, Adrian gets the second best. Adrian confronts the Director and Eric. (Remember there was supposed to have been another audition, but the director didn’t want to give the part to a skipper) Adrian is crushed. (2-3pages)

    – One week later, opening night for the big play at Glitz. Everyone is preparing for the play when Adrian get’s a call from Jim. There’s trouble. Adrian tries to tell Jim to send someone else. But Jim stresses the importance that he handles it. When Adrian asks where instead of a response there is an explosion nearby. Adrian has to become Showtime and save the audience from rogue contestants. Enter minor villains and Showtime meets the public. (4-5 pages)

    – Adrian confronts Jimelly the next day. Adrian complains that the contest is ruining his life and threatens to quit. Jimelly shows Adrian the newpaper “Stylish Savior Protects Glamourous Glitz.” Adrian decides that the good of what he’s doing is more important than the bad happening in his own life. (2-3 pages)

    – Jimelly, feeling that Adrian is truly commited, decides Adrian is ready for the DNA shot. Adrian get injected and freaks out. Jimelly discovers Adrian never took mutation blocker, but it’s too late when Adrian begins to mutate (watery membrane/black eyes) The mutation is mainly only suppose to change people’s boichemistry not their physical appearance. (2-3 pages)

    – Emergency! Although Adrian’s mutation was contain it appears that a majority had monstrous side-effects. Rapid human alienoids run rabid. Showtime have to put his new body to action. Jimelly pinpoints source and sends Showtime along with reinforcements (Thumper and Black Lace) to the source of the mutations. Action scene. (2-3 Pages)

    -The source is found. Enter the Body on cliffhanger. (1-2 pages)

    Seems pretty good if you ask me.

    What do you guys think?

  351. B. Macon 02 Jun 2009 at 10:16 am

    It feels pretty contrived that the villains just happen to attack the play that Adrian is at. What’s their motive? (Perhaps they’re hunting Showtime and have tracked them to that building– if you’re not comfortable having them discover his secret identity at this point, you could have them tracking him by smell… they don’t know Showtime’s secret identity, but they know that someone smelling like him went in that auditorium).

    “Jimelly, feeling that Adrian is truly committed, decides Adrian is ready for the DNA shot. Adrian get injected and freaks out.” Hmm. Why does Jim feel that he’s committed? He’s already complaining about the workload, has threatened to quit and is apparently mainly in it for the fame. I’d recommend having the DNA shot instead be a test of Adrian’s commitment.

    I think Adrian will come off as a bit superficial when he decides to stick with it for what appears to be fame. However, since I figure you’ll show him getting less superficial as the series progresses, it’s probably not a huge problem.

    Jim mistakenly thinks that Adrian took the mutagen blocker before. In the original version, I think Adrian lost the mutagen blocker when the ship got turbulent. Another variation you could try is that Adrian gets suspicious, dumps out the mutagen blocker without drinking it, and then pretends that he has drunk it. That would develop his acting and mental abilities. It would also develop the Adrian-Jim relationship.

  352. Ragged Boyon 02 Jun 2009 at 11:02 am

    “It feels pretty contrived that the villains just happen to attack the play that Adrian is at. What’s their motive? (Perhaps they’re hunting Showtime and have tracked them to that building– if you’re not comfortable having them discover his secret identity at this point, you could have them tracking him by smell… they don’t know Showtime’s secret identity, but they know that someone smelling like him went in that auditorium).”

    – I thought it would have been contrived. I was also thinking that the accident would happen somewhere else and Adrian would have to choose whether or not to be a hero to take the spotlight. He chose being a hero. I’ll probably go with that becasue it will reflect better on his motives. I wouldn’t say he’s in it completely for the fame, but that is part of his motives.

    “‘Jimelly, feeling that Adrian is truly committed, decides Adrian is ready for the DNA shot. Adrian get injected and freaks out.” Hmm. Why does Jim feel that he’s committed? He’s already complaining about the workload, has threatened to quit and is apparently mainly in it for the fame. I’d recommend having the DNA shot instead be a test of Adrian’s commitment.”

    – He decides that Adrian is commited when Adrian puts up with the crap to be a hero. I like your idea, though. I’m going to use it.

    “I think Adrian will come off as a bit superficial when he decides to stick with it for what appears to be fame. However, since I figure you’ll show him getting less superficial as the series progresses, it’s probably not a huge problem”

    – That’s something like what I planned. His motvies start off as superficial “If this works I can be famous.” But as of issue two they start to move towards being a hero and helping people.

    “Jim mistakenly thinks that Adrian took the mutagen blocker before. In the original version, I think Adrian lost the mutagen blocker when the ship got turbulent. Another variation you could try is that Adrian gets suspicious, dumps out the mutagen blocker without drinking it, and then pretends that he has drunk it. That would develop his acting and mental abilities. It would also develop the Adrian-Jim relationship.”

    – I like it. I’ll switch it. I have to remember to make Adrian accidents his own fault.

    What do you think of the issue in general?

  353. Psycho Childon 03 Jun 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Hey,Ragged Boy could you explain to me how I do the “What I’m writing part” on my forum?

  354. Ragged Boyon 03 Jun 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Sure.

    Write an introduction of yourself and your work, a short synopsis for your story, your target audience (who you want to sell your work to), how thick your skin is (as in how much you can take when someone is reviewing your work), and any comparable works.

    Then, You’ll have to ask B.Mac to post it at the top for you.

  355. Psycho Childon 03 Jun 2009 at 3:34 pm

    thanks

  356. Ragged Boyon 07 Jun 2009 at 11:35 am

    I like your idea of having someone sniff him out. The only reason I didn’t want him to have to choose whther to stay or go is because it wouldn’t seem right if he’s the only person in the city who can stop crime. So I wanted to make sure that I brought the trouble to him. I can probably show early on an a shadowy figure getting a whiff of Adrian on his way back to school. I’ll still need a reason why he targets Adrian, but I’ll come up with something.

    Oh, the reason I haven’t been on lately is because I’ve been in the 48 Hour Film Festival. I play the lead of Peter Dupree a dropout turned succesful car salesman whose luck turns for the worst when he purchases a failing high school from a less than disreputable principal. It’s going well and today is the last day. We turn in the final cut at 7:30 and I know it’s going to be good. Wish us luck!

    I’ll start planning issue #3 soon.

    Seeya later! 😀

  357. Ragged Boyon 08 Jun 2009 at 3:17 pm

    I won’t be on for a while the internet’s been cut off. I’ll try to be on as much as possible, although, it may not be much. I’ll still keep busy and keep working on Showtime. I think I’ve gotten good enough to stop most of my own issues.

  358. Ragged Boyon 05 Jul 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Progress with Showtimehas been severely halted by work and other mental preoccupations. However, I’ve reached the consensus that issue #2 will go as planned and edited. I hope I have the mental capacity to start planning issue #3. The plot is pretty linear so I shouldn’t have much a problem coming up with the next installments.

    Wish me luck! I’m off to internet-less home.

  359. Ragged Boyon 05 Jul 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Progress with Showtimehas been severely halted by work and other mental preoccupations. However, I’ve reached the consensus that issue #2 will go as planned and edited. I hope I have the mental capacity to start planning issue #3. The plot is pretty linear so I shouldn’t have much a problem coming up with the next installments.

    Wish me luck! I’m off to internet-less home. Seeya later, sex machines!

  360. Bretton 05 Jul 2009 at 1:34 pm

    To R.B.: I’d love to help, but I’m not sure where to start. If you could give me an indicator, that’d be good.

  361. Ragged Boyon 05 Jul 2009 at 1:40 pm

    You could start just a little upward. I have plans for prospective issues brewing.

  362. B. Macon 05 Jul 2009 at 6:43 pm

    RB said “Seeya later, sex machines!”

    If you think the readers here are sex machines, I suspect your head might explode if you ever met a Witchblade fan.

  363. Bretton 05 Jul 2009 at 7:38 pm

    HA! Or a Witcher fan. I heard that book is graphic.

  364. B. Macon 07 Jul 2009 at 2:18 am

    Hello, RB. A few days ago, you asked how my book was coming. I’ve finished the manuscript, but I think that I should probably wait until I have at least a year of experience at a publisher before submitting.

  365. Ragged Boyon 16 Jul 2009 at 5:55 am

    Thinking long-term. I like it. Congratulations on your progress, I admire your work-mindedness.

    After days of pointless backtracking and fruitless planning I decided to get back to my roots and be impulsive. I’ve since jumped head first into writing issue #2. I did a page and didn’t like it, but that’s not the point, the point is, I’m started up again! I have my passion for writing back and now I’m ready to do issue #2. I’ve got a ton of ideas flowing and I’m ready to be experimentatious.

    I’m happy and you should be too!

  366. Ragged Boyon 23 Jul 2009 at 7:22 am

    I’ve been doing some thinking. I’ve concluded that I going to cut the “contest” edge out of the story. I don’t think I can tweak it to make it interesting and it takes up too much space. I’m just going to go with the experiment edge and make that interesting. I’ll have to do a bit of reworking, but I think it’s for the better.

  367. B. Macon 23 Jul 2009 at 9:06 am

    One of the reasons that I didn’t like the word “contest” was that it suggests the stakes are low, like a game show. If it were a tryout for some neat superhero-like position, I think it would be more interesting. If you wanted to take it from a contest to a tryout, I don’t think it would require very much reworking.

    Experimenting sounds a bit creepy. What’s at stake for the characters? Why would they subject themselves to alien experiments?

  368. Ragged Boyon 04 Sep 2009 at 1:00 pm

    I’ve recently changed Showtime’s powers from water manipulation to elasticity (the ability to stretch and be extremely durable). The drawbacks to these powers are severe weaknesses against extreme temperatures, hot and cold. Also, his physical strength is weakened meaning he takes more damage from attacks.

    As an augmentation to his elasticity, he can secrete an orange liquid that can instantly harden. It can be used offensively and defensively. Although, the liquid can’t leave his body and he can only make enough to cover a small area. I wanted a really good balance of strength and weakness.

    What do you think?

  369. B. Macon 23 Sep 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Hello. How are you doing? I started a full-time job in government communications a few weeks ago. (Writing press releases, etc).

  370. Ragged Boyon 23 Sep 2009 at 5:22 pm

    I’ve really been working on my style and I’d love to showcase some of it.

  371. B. Macon 23 Sep 2009 at 8:19 pm

    That sounds good. Please feel free to post something (or e-mail me at superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com if you’d like to keep it limited to a smaller audience).



    I don’t think the power matters all that much, so please take this with an appropriate grain of salt, but I think that elasticity is more cliche than water-control. Mr. Fantastic is a well-known and longstanding character, and DC has some minor elastic heroes of its own. Just to repeat, though, I don’t think it’s a make-or-break issue if you are confident that you can make it feel fresh. The hardening liquid is a good sign.

  372. Ragged Boyon 24 Sep 2009 at 4:24 am

    True, elasticity is more cliche. I’m in a pretty flippant process of changing Adrian’s powers. I’ve also put a form of summoning on the roster. I’m just fleshing it out rith now.

  373. Lighting Manon 24 Sep 2009 at 9:40 am

    Perhaps I’m remembering wrong but I think I saw Deviant Art concept art for Showtime somewhere around here? I might be confused though, but it was wearing like a vest, a scarf, striped pants and shirt.

    Personally, to me I think the biggest problem with elasticity as a power is the difficulty of portraying it enjoyably. The artist’s average natural instinct is to reduce it to a rounded tube which makes it have a tendency of looking like a fake cardboard arm, but it wouldn’t make practical sense to maintain musculature, working out exactly where he was stretching from would be bothersome and would drastically change the stretched muscles, greatly increasing the chances for anatomical mistakes.

    If I’m remembering right about the concept art, I think those stripes might accidentally exacerbate the problem if you go with elasticity, like some sort of angry candy cane.

  374. Lighting Manon 24 Sep 2009 at 9:59 am

    Feline turncoat decided I was done with my post, sorry about that.

    Have you considered giving him, I wouldn’t say shapeshifting powers exactly, but, face-stealing? He could have the ability to change his face and hair colour to match another person’s. I think it would fit his personality and alter ego, since he could consider it literally stepping into his “part” You could neglect to give him the power to change his voice to theirs, so he’d need to actually work at adopting their mannerisms and attempting to mimic their voice, essentially honing his craft. You’d have a weakness built in since he is only changing his face and couldn’t pretend to be someone more skinny or muscular then he is, at least not without a costume change, and notable height changes would be problematic. Just a suggestion though.

  375. B. Macon 24 Sep 2009 at 4:22 pm

    I’d recommend against a Mystique-like ability for a hero.
    –I suspect it’d be hard to use the power creatively. It’d probably get tedious fairly quickly.
    –I’m not sure that it would provide enough strong visuals or dramatic action sequences.
    –It’d be more impressive if the hero managed a disguise without a superpower. (Invisibility is likewise problematic because it steals opportunities for the character to impress us with his stealth).
    –Logistical problems for your artist? (I imagine he’ll be illustrating more characters more frequently rather than repeatedly coming back to the same hero… it might entail more character design).

  376. Lighting Manon 24 Sep 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Yeah, it occurred to me after I suggested it that a practical combat power made more sense, I just didn’t want to triple post, he mentioned being opened to changing Adrian’s powers and face-shifting seemed like something that would give him an opportunity to show more of his civilian personality in his alter ego.

  377. Ragged Boyon 25 Sep 2009 at 4:26 am

    Hola, Lighting Man and B. Mac. The concept you saw wasn’t Showtime, it was a random character I made up. I suppose you’re right about the portrayal of the body, it could be bothersome. I think I may go with this summoning type ability. I’ve decided to keep his water powers. Do you think water is hard to portray? And with that being his main power, do you think it would get tedious for my artist?

    If so, I have the next best thing in mind.

  378. B. Macon 25 Sep 2009 at 3:43 pm

    I don’t think water is too hard to portray, but I would recommend running a few scenarios past prospective artists just to make sure they’re comfortable with what you have in mind. In particular, I’d recommend asking about…

    –Any particular water-based powers you’re thinking about using. If you want him to be able to summon water elementals or whatever, definitely ask. (Am I understanding the summoning type ability correctly?) I think that it would be very difficult for a mediocre artist to come up with a water elemental that looked remotely good… like mutant alligators, this doesn’t exactly come up every day for the typical artist.
    –Any scenarios that you think will come up, particularly early in the series. For example, if you think they will be fighting underwater a lot, I’d recommend asking the candidates if they feel comfortable with underwater choreography.

    I’d also recommend buying a few comics with water-based powers so that you can see what works and what doesn’t. In particular, I’d recommend looking at Spiderman comics with Hydro Man– I think he was the villain in Marvel Knights Spiderman #10 and #11. Sometimes the art is excellent and other times pretty mediocre. That will help you work with your artist to come up with something pleasing and doable. After reading two or three comics, does it seem tedious to you? My guess is that it could work… there will probably be a lot of blue hues, though. (That’s one of the reasons I hate episodes where characters go to underwater cities…) Could you see someone reading through three comics of a water-based character?

  379. StarEon 25 Sep 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Umm, hello! Is it okay if I make a mostly non-helpful comment, Ragged Boy…? I just wanted to drop by and say I’ve been browsing through your Showtime plans, and it sounds like a really fun storyline. 😀 Adrian’s a really lively protagonist, so I think it’ll be easy for people to enjoy reading about him and get interested in what he’s “got at stake”. I already like him, and Jimelly’s personality is appealing to me. Between Adrian’s confident attitude and Jimelly’s friendliness/optimism towards the humans, it seems like it would be a fun read…

    Plus, the protagonist for my novel is also a water elementalist, so I think I would really enjoy seeing how your artist works with your hero’s water attacks – I’ve drawn some water pics for Rem before, and if enough patience is put into it, it can look really cool… and pretty, lol.

    Um, anyways, that’s all I needed to say… I’m sorry I can’t offer anything helpful, but I figure you might want to know whenever you’ve got a new somebody lurking around who’s interested in your work. 🙂

  380. Ragged Boyon 26 Sep 2009 at 5:18 am

    Good morning, B. Mac! Don’t worry. I intend for no submerged combat in my series. Ick. I’m just going to stick with the water control. No summoning edge. I’m trying to keep it simple. Simple powers usually allow for creativity to flourish. I’ll definitely make a note to tell my artist about the fact that they might be drawing a lot of water. In other Showtime news, I’ve finished developing his costume. I completely revamped it from mostly black to mostly white (taking risks) with black accents and orange gemlike armor pieces on certain parts of the suit. He still retains his vest. Since the suit has a face mask (over the nose and mouth) I wanted another way to show character through his suit. I’ll have to rewrite it in my script, but that will be easy.

    Good morning, StarE (love your name, by the way)! Thanks so much! Whaddaya mean non-helpful? Sometimes, a little positively is all it takes to get me out of a slump and back into my writing. I’m really glad you like my work. Lord knows I worked hard on it. I’m very pleased to know that no one has found any particular flaws in my story, characterization, etc. I’m interested in hearing about your aquamancer. Go Team Aqua!.

  381. StarEon 26 Sep 2009 at 9:41 am

    Aquamancer? Haha, sweet. 😀 The terminology being used in my novel is “Hydrotechnic”. Um, I’m glad I could at least provide a positivity boost! I get nervous when I don’t have something important to say, but I know it helps me personally if somebody just drops by and says, “Hey, I like this. Good luck!”
    _
    So good luck, Ragged Boy! I’ll try to keep track of your work, even if I can’t offer much helpful critique or anything.

  382. Ragged Boyon 26 Sep 2009 at 1:50 pm

    And I’ll do the same for your work. In fact, I’ll head over to your forum now.

  383. Ragged Boyon 27 Sep 2009 at 10:45 am

    Page 26: Five Panels, the fifth being the largest.
    Panel 1: In the foreground, we see some smashed remains of the vial. In the background, we see Adrian’s feet walking away from the mess.
    Adrian: I’ll just keep this little incident to myself. Live and let live!
    Panel 2: A close up on an orange node lighting up on a nearby wall.

    Node (computerized font): Passcode Recognized, Private Armory Open. Hello Jimelly.

    Panel 3: The wall next to the node divided and opened letting out a low fog and a pale orange light peers through.

    SFX: Swish!

    Panel 4: A high angle looking down at Adrian as he slowly walks to the opening. The orange light shines even more brightly upon him. Fog swirls around his feet. The background seems to fade away.

    Adrian: This must be where he keeps the good stuff. I wonder if he’s got anything good for kneecapping annoying competition.

    Panel 5: A low angle behind Adrian (still walking forward) in the foreground elongating him body as he moves forward towards the source of the light, a large solid orange rectangle in the near background (encasing Showtime’s suit). The background has completely faded away; Adrian seems to be walking on nothing, but light.

    Adrian (thought): Wow, that’s a costume to end all costumes. I’m sure Jim won’t mind if I try it on.

    Page 27: Four panels. 1 and are side by side with 3 centered below them. Four is a larger panel.

    Panel 1: Jimelly strolls nonchalantly, hands in his coat pockets, off the narrow boarding ramp of his ship onto the cracked cement ground of the large vacant lot in which his ship is parked. His coat blows in the cold breeze.

    Jimelly: Now here’s a familiar, well slightly familiar, face. It’s most exciting to see you again…

    Panel 2: A close up on Raxium’s deformed dingy yellow-brown face, dark brown veins tunnel under his skin. Tangled brown hair hangs shortly over his large forehead. He bears an angry smile. He seems to be looking down at Jimelly (because he is).

    Jimelly: …Raxium. Although, I hope you have money to pay for the damage to my ship.

    Raxium (gritty font): Ya still got jokes, eh Jim Jim. Forget about the ship, you gotta fix me first.

    Panel 3: A wide shot on Jimelly from the chest up in the center of the panel. He shrugged with a serious expression. On Jim’s left is an image of the old Raxium, a handsome strong-featured yellow alien with longer curly brown hair. On his right an image of the current Raxium a monstrosity.

    Jimelly: Raxium, I’m most apologetic, but I don’t know what I could do that wouldn’t leave you as a pile of multicellular goop. It’s too late.

    Panel 4: Large shot, low angle looking up. We see Jimelly’s back. He’s standing in front of a giant alien, Raxium. Raxium is a dingy brownish yellow color. His face has bulging deformities. His upper body, particularly his arms are gigantic, he stands on them instead of his legs. His lower body is incredibly small in proportion to his top half. He stands over Jim with a menacing grim drooling a bit. His body lets off a green steam (he has acidic sweat). Also, the shadow he casts over Jimelly makes him look even more menacing.

    Raxium: Then I’m sorry, too, old pal…


    Page 28: Five Panels.

    Panel 1: Adrian’s flabby figure (the suit is loose and off, so it is rather large and saggy on him) wobbles in the dark, he struggles to keep his balance. The darkness makes it difficult to make out the suit. The shook is shaky due to the impact of Raxium’s attack.

    Adrian: This is getting really annoying. I’ll see for myself what’s causing this commotion

    SFX: CRASH!!

    Panel 2: An outside shot of Adrian pushing open a hatch on the top of the ship. We see his arm pushing the hatch up and the upper half of his face, the orange part of his headpiece remains dull.

    Adrian: What the hell is that? Crap, it’s got Jimelly. He may be a weird alien, but I’ll take him over the super freak.

    Panel 3: Raxium is sqeezing Jimelly in his large hand. Raxium looks up towards Adrian in the background atop the ship as he calls out. We can also see a large dent in the side of the ship that Raxium caused earlier.

    Adrian: Hey ya knuckle draggin’ freak, got a problem?!

    Panel 4: A close up on Raxium’s deformed face, he’s sweating profusely. A green steam seems to billow from his skin. He smirks at the puny pest.

    Raxium: And what if I do? What are you gonna do? Who the hell are you, anyways?!

    Panel 5: A close up of Jimelly’s body in Raxium’s hand. He yells out activating Adrian’s suit.

    Jimelly: New User Sequence Activate!

    Page 29: Two Panels. One is taking ¼ of the top, two taking the rest.

    Panel 1: Neck up on Adrian. A network of orange veins courses over Adrian’s face and neck. His eyes glow bright yellow. This panel stretches across the top of the page, Adrian center. There is a colorful dramatic background behind him. A solid white mask comes up over his mouth and nose.

    Computerized Voice: Activation commands received. Aquatic control systems on-line. Biological enhancements complete.

    Panel Two: Final Near-splash. Adrian becomes Showtime. Showtime’s suit has tightened to fit his body and the orange accents on his suit glow brightly. He jumps off the top of the ship into the air, making an actiony aerial pose (probably something Spiderman-esque). Make this shot look really cool. You could maybe stretch the background or add other cool effects.

    Showtime (big text): Who am I? You can call me (huge, dramatic font) Showtime!

    To Be Continued…

    [End Issue]

  384. Ragged Boyon 27 Sep 2009 at 10:53 am

    Above are the last four pages of issue #1 of Showtime rewritten. I rewrote them to accomodate the suit change and to add more style. I’m still working on actually drawing up the suit, but I definitely know what I want it to look like.

    For clarity, this picks up immediately after Adrian decides to toss the vial of mutagen blocker given to him by the friendly and quirky alien chemist, Jimelly.

    I’d love a review from anyone. B. Mac in particular knows my story pretty well.

  385. Ragged Boyon 28 Sep 2009 at 4:21 am

    Good morning, everyone. See above for my request. Thanks. 😉

  386. Wingson 28 Sep 2009 at 11:51 am

    I don’t know much about comic books or comic book creation, but I enjoy your work and find your characters and plot amusing.

    I think the pages work well, but again, I have no experience in comic-book making.

    I like your characters very much, I find them new and interesting every time I read your work.

    Sigh…I’m not good at this…

    – Wings

  387. Ragged Boyon 28 Sep 2009 at 1:27 pm

    That’s okay, Wings. I’m happy if someone can just enjoy what I wrote. That says to me “maybe if they like it others will, too”.

    Thanks for reading my work. I’ll try to do the same and help you with yours. Anything troubling you, writing-wise?

  388. Michael Lezaon 16 Oct 2009 at 1:53 pm

    I liked your most recent chunk, except the very end just because he seems to adjust to suddenly having a working super suit pretty rapidly. I do like the story and the dialog wasn’t bad either.

  389. Wingson 16 Oct 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Hmm…Well, I just finished Chapter 2 at last, and I’m working on 3…

    A review might be nice. I still have a lot to fix tho.

    – Wings

  390. Ragged Boyon 16 Oct 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Hola Michael, thank you for looking over it. Yeah, I noticed that early when writing it. I’m sure I could justify it, but that may require me to add a page, which I am wary of. I think it’s acceptable, though. I’ll think on it some more. If there’s anything else you’d like to comment on, feel free.

  391. Ragged Boyon 28 Nov 2009 at 9:50 am

    After months of procrastination and saying “I’m gonna start working on Showtime,” I’m working on Showtime! As of nnow I’m planning his fight with Raxium and trying to figure what random weapons I can incorporate into the fight. The tricky part is finding what weapons make him capable of combat without being duex ex weapona. I have to find a balance between Showtime’s physical ability and the benefits of his summons without making him rely on weapons or making them useless.

    I’m having fun planning though. Some of the weapons I’ve come up with are pretty interesting.

  392. B. Macon 28 Nov 2009 at 10:30 am

    I’m glad to hear that the weapons you’re coming up with are interesting.


    I love the visual in 26-1, but the dialogue is a bit too heavyhanded. I think it’d make a bit more sense if he decides to keep the incident to himself after he discovers a good reason to do so. (For example, maybe Jim presses him about whether he drank it and then he decides to lie because Jim is taking it so seriously).

    Comma between Hello and Jimelly in 26-2?

    I like the angle in 26-4.

    I’d recommend avoiding the word “good” in 26-4. For example, maybe “This must be where he keeps the good stuff. I wonder what he’s got for kneecapping the competition.”

    “in the foreground elongating him body”– I think “him” should be “his,” but I’m still not sure what this phrase means.

    In 27-1, I think the first line of dialogue is redundant with the second. “Now here’s a familiar, well slightly familiar, face. It’s most exciting to see you again…” I think the second line conveys the same information with more style and voice.

    I really like Raxium’s voice. Also, I think you made a good call bringing in an alternate font for this character.

    In 27-3, I’m having trouble visualizing the image of the old Raxium and the new one. What are these images? Holographs? Displays on a monitor? Stuff he’s imagining?

    The dialogue in 27-3 is pretty kickass. Jim has a very fun voice. Maybe this line could be shortened, though: “but I don’t know what I could do that wouldn’t leave you as a pile of multicellular goop.” Or maybe you could just chalk it up to a somewhat circuitous voice.

    I really like that Raxium treats Jim as more of a friend than a victim. It gives this scene more depth and charm than him leading off with threats and violence. Also gives the character more personality.

    In 28-1, the description says that “the suit is loose and off.” What does “off” mean in this context? I’d recommend being as clear as possible– one possible definition of “off” is “not worn”, and it does NOT appear that you are trying to suggest that he is not wearing the suit here. Maybe there’s a more precise word to avoid confusion.

    “The shook is shaky…” The ship?

    In 28-1, if it’s difficult to make out the suit, will we be able to see that the suit does not fit him well? (I suppose you could do it as a silouette, but it’d have to be a seriously bad fit for a reader to notice).

    “This is getting really annoying. I’ll see for myself what’s causing this commotion…” Could this possibly be shortened to “What was that?” (Also, I’d recommend switching to a thought bubble so that he’s not talking to himself.

    If the costume fits Adrian so badly, why is he still wearing it? I’d recommend having something happen (like it clasping to lock on to him).

    “What the hell is that? Crap, it’s got Jimelly. He may be a weird alien, but I’ll take him over the super freak.” I think he’s expositioning what he thinks about Jim. I’d recommend being a bit more subtle– have him try to IMPLY what he thinks about Jim. (To be honest, I think that readers won’t need much convincing that Jim is the less-bad of the two aliens). Also, it might help to draw Jim and Rax more in. Otherwise, he’s just talking to himself.

    “Hey ya knuckle draggin’ freak, got a problem?!” Maybe this could be tightened to “Why the long face, superfreak?” or “What’s your problem, superfreak? (Besides the obvious).”

    I’d recommend giving Rax more distinct language in panel 4 (versus “And what if I do? What are you gonna do? Who the hell are you, anyways?!”). Also, I don’t feel his final question “who the hell are you” feels natural. I know you’re trying to set up Adrian’s introduction, but I think there might be a smoother way to do so. For example… Adrian says “You’re not going anywhere!” or another challenge/taunt in the previous panel and Rax responds with “Says who?”

    “New User Sequence Activate!” –I’d recommend regular capitalization. “New user sequence, activate!”

    Do you know who you’re submitting to? If you’re submitting to a publisher that does a lot of work with 32-page submissions (ie Dark Horse and Image), you might be able to allot ~4 pages to this fight and finish it off. Then you might end the issue with the cliffhanger of Jim revealing what’s at stake for the Earth. (IE: why Adrian can’t walk away from this).

  393. Ragged Boyon 28 Nov 2009 at 2:06 pm

    It feels good to be getting criticized again. I feel like a writer again. I had gone so long without it I forgot how it felt. I’ll get to editing and answering your questions as soon as possible. I’m in the middle of a tedious project ( The story of my senior year) and am heavily preoccupied.

    Thanks for the critique!

  394. B. Macon 30 Nov 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Except for a few heavy-handed lines and a few places where you might be able to show rather than tell, I think this is really smooth. Once you do final revisions for tightness and style, I’d recommend doing either the synopsis or (optional) select an artist to do a few sample pages.

    I think that doing the sample pages would enhance your likelihood of getting it published, but I totally understand if it’s not possible. There are a few publishers like DH that accept scripts unaccompanied by art.

    Please let me know if there’s anything else I can help with.

  395. Ragged Boyon 14 Jan 2010 at 7:32 pm

    After a bit of thinking I don’t really like that Adrian’s powers are at random. It’s cool, but I’m just not feeling it anymore. So, here we go again with another power change. I’ve changed it to control over cosmic energy, aether, if you will. However, his control is divided up in eight ways each based after a planet in Earth’s solar system (since Science has kicked Pluto to the curve so have I). The words in parentheses next to the real names are the alien translations that Adrian has to say to activate the power:

    Mercury “Mercura”: Charges his suit/body with cosmic energy allowing his to release it in bursts for combat as well as super jumps for transportation.

    Venus “Vena”: Creates one illusionary clone of Showtime.

    Earth “Earta” : Creates a temporary energy shield.

    Mars “Marsa”: Charges cosmic energy into a concussive ball (about the size of a soccer ball) that can be used like a grenade.

    Jupiter “Jupira”: Creates a concealing fog of stardust.

    Saturn “Satura”: Create “bladed frisbees.”

    Uranus “Urans”: Creates a prehensile rope of energy.

    Neptune “Nepta” : ?

    As for limitations, each skill has a set strength and can’t go over that just because Showtime gets riled up. He can only use up to two abilities at once. After extensive use of or damage to his suit his other powers shut down and he can only use Mercura.

    Tell me what you think. Push comes to shove I can drops the names and just chock it all up to energy manipulation. But I find the names interesting and kinda fun.

  396. Lighting Manon 14 Jan 2010 at 8:07 pm

    Take this with a grain of salt, of course, it is just my opinion. However, I think that the new power idea is flawed on a few levels. It is seemingly an “edu-tainment” powerset, very PBS afternoon cartoon show, like a Ben 10 meets Magic School Bus situation, and it is going in a totally separate direction than your target audience calls for. I could see it working for 6 – 12 audience, but I think it’d be primarily a narrow one.

    Additionally, in English speaking (and a few others) countries, a name ending in an A is typically feminine (Adriana, Roberta, Victoria, Maria, Lucia) which adds both an effeminate element to the character when he doesn’t necessarily need another one, but also almost a heterosexual sexual component to the character. I may be alone in thinking that, though.

    I understand the appeal of directly thematically derived abilities, but I think in this case, it is in contrast to your better interests to pursue this theme in particular, due to the aforementioned issues.

  397. Ragged Boyon 14 Jan 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Oh, I’ve been around here for a while I don’t need any salt, I can take my criticism straight up. Yeah, halfway through typing up the list I thought “Hmm, this is getting kinda iffy and no one but me is going to want to remember this.” It’s just an idea as of now. I suppose maybe it sounded cooler in my head. Ugh! I swear, being indecisive is such a drudgery. I’m trying to cool up with something cool and at least slightly space-related. I’m thinking about making his Mercura ability into his powers. I’m also thinking about switching back to his randomization power. I’m also thinking about going back to his water powers. As you can see this is going to be an ordeal.

    Thanks for the review, Lighting Man!

  398. Ragged Boyon 14 Jan 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Also, I want to base his costumme after a futuristic spacesuit. So it’s imperative that I have a power to match the style.

  399. B. Macon 14 Jan 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Hmm. My main concern about the planetary powers is that having 8 powers may be a bit complicated for readers to remember. Also, if the problem was before that his powers were random, giving him 8 powers that don’t have much of a theme may not be the most effective solution.

    I like the idea of giving him a power (or powers) to justify the style, though. I imagine you’d need a suit like that if the character flew at high speeds, had some irregular body temperature issues (anything related to ice or fire– alternately, Agent Orange can’t handle New York winters otherwise), etc.

    If the powers are tied to the suit, though (which is the impression I got from the last version of the script I read a few months back), I don’t think it’ll be a problem whatever the powers are. Even if the power was something completely unrelated to the spaceman look, like the ability to summon killer bees, it’s still the spacesuit that gives him the powers. (Does that make sense? My subconscious is raising some warning flags that I can’t make sense of at this hour).



    “I’m also thinking about going back to his water powers. As you can see this is going to be an ordeal.” Haha. Personally, my favorite approach is going versatile and simple. For example, most elemental control abilities can be applied to most situations and don’t require much explanation. Batman can do pretty much anything with a rope and Olympic-level jumping ability. (Also, his fight scenes in Arkham Asylum were preposterously fun). I figure the only superpower for Gary or Agent Orange that will require any explanation is AO’s gadget that can momentarily turn off the lights.

  400. Ragged Boyon 15 Jan 2010 at 4:38 am

    I usually wouldn’t be worrying this much about what his powers would be, but since I have a fight scene coming up next it’s pretty important. I’ve narrowed it down to two powers with the only real difference being appearance. You know what! I’m going with water. My subconscious is already trying to argue for the other side. Haha. (I’m sorry if me wrestling with myself over powers is getting old. I do it all the time in my head).

    Thanks Mac! Usually feedback helps me snap to my sense.

  401. Ragged Boyon 15 Jan 2010 at 4:41 am

    Yay! I’m onver the 400 comments bump on my forum. It’s like my own messy apartment.

    Just a heads up. My birthday is in 14 days and counting! I’ll be a man soon. Haha

  402. Scribblaron 15 Jan 2010 at 5:56 am

    I think the planet-based powers would work better if it was something the readers were already familiar with.

    Random tangent: did you know that 12,000 years ago the Minoan Civilisation had working flushable toilets. After the civi died, the technology was lost. Sometimes our ancestors had knowledge we no longer have (like Pyramid building).

    You could give him

    1) Superspeed
    2) Powers of attraction (perhaps pheromones)
    3) something
    4) Combat related powers
    5) Lightning blasts?
    6) Powers over plants?
    7) Flight
    8) Water-control

    That actually is pretty terrible, huh? I was trying to base them off Roman Gods.

  403. B. Macon 15 Jan 2010 at 8:04 am

    I like water. 🙂 It also gives him a good reason to have a spacesuit–if his body becomes watery, perhaps he might begin to freeze if his body were exposed to temperatures that were too cold.

  404. Lighting Manon 15 Jan 2010 at 9:33 am

    I think that body temperature being another factor in the spacesuit is a great idea, a sort of superhero version of Victor Fries but thawed out, so to speak. I also agree with those above that your water power idea seems to be the best power for the character and the story, additionally, his personality is in strong contrast with the general characterization of a water / ice powered character, he isn’t detached, “cool” or any such thing and he also isn’t overly brash, with a fiery personality like Bobby Drake or any others.

    The only issue that occurs to me in regards to the water power calling for the suit to be used would be that, while nothing on Earth normally compares to the hot and cold extremes of space, he would be more sensitive to either on Earth, and this might complicate his home life more than intended. Although, you could handle them by simply showing him taking steps to avoid complications.

    For instance, if in summer, his lowered normal body temperature causes him to sweat more when decked out in human clothes, he could be shown drinking far more often during dialogue scenes than a character normally would, unless a lush, perhaps bottled water or a sports drink (Agent Orange’s Gator-aid, the only drink that satisfies that deep copyright infringement thirst) which could factor in as a plot point if you want to put a new spin on the old food-stuff-source-is-evil Soylent Green plot, (http://theinfosphere.org/Slurm) but I go on tangents.

  405. B. Macon 15 Jan 2010 at 12:51 pm

    What! Everybody knows that mature alligators drink Gatorale. That other stuff is for kids! 😉

    Amusingly, Gatorade gets its name from the mascot of the University of Florida, who looks quite a bit like Agent Orange.

  406. Ragged Boyon 15 Jan 2010 at 5:41 pm

    Thanks for the surge of input! I think I’m going to go with water control, although, I don’t plan to venture into ice control. Personally, I’ve never liked ice powers. His water controlling pheromones can make water go past freezing tempurature, but can’t freeze it.

  407. Ragged Boyon 24 Jan 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Awesome News Update! I’m getting a job (hopefully)! My friends mother assured me tha I already have the position. (I’m sure no one’s this excited to be a sign-holder). You know what this mean? I may, possibly, be able to get sample pages done soon. I’m really excited/nervous. It’s time to kick my writing into overdrive. I need to finish editing the end of issue 1.

    Also, 5 days left until my birthday!

  408. Ragged Boyon 21 Mar 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Showtime Update:

    After extensive editing and a rigorous spelling and grammar check, Issue #1 is ready for continuation. I was able to shrink it to 29 pages. So hopefully I can allot those ~4 pages to wrap up Adrian’s fight with Raxium. I may have to put the cliffhanger in the fight though. Or else it will be a little too cramped. I’ll see once I’ve written it.

    Wish me luck!

  409. B. Macon 21 Mar 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Good luck! Also, I’d like to wish you (rather belatedly) a happy birthday.

  410. Ragged Boyon 21 Mar 2010 at 1:10 pm

    By the way, how are you B. Mac? It’s been a while since we’ve conversed on things.

    How’s life treatin’ ya?

  411. B. Macon 21 Mar 2010 at 2:08 pm

    I’m doing pretty well. Getting ready for my final semester from August to December.

    About a month ago, I applied to literary agents. I’ve had second thoughts about whether having an agent on board is actually worthwhile for a comic book writer.
    Within a month, I think I will give up on the agents and just submit directly to publishers. It’s bad form to submit to agents and publishers simultaneously, so I’ll only submit to publishers after I assume that the agents have rejected me. Since they’ll have had my submission for two months at that point, that should be enough time.

    Before I submit to publishers, there are a few smoothness issues I want to work out.
    –Why are the US Marshals so icy/unhelpful/confrontational to Gary?
    –Why does Gary apply to the OSI?
    –Why does the OSI hire him?
    –If the OSI is displeased with Agent Orange, why can’t it just fire him rather than go through this convoluted plan to tick him off until he quits?

    So far, I feel like I have explanations in place for some of these questions, but the explanations are so complicated that I think they detract from the coherence of the plot. In contrast, I’ve been watching some solid TV shows and movies about unconventional police partnerships and the premises are so smooth and logical that these sorts of questions never arise. For example, here are some unusual premises in this field that feel very effective to me.

    Bad Company: a streetwise hustler gets hired by the CIA after his twin brother (a really competent CIA agent) gets killed. Nobody can impersonate the dead guy as well as the twin.

    Bones: the FBI needs the assistance of a super-talented, irreplaceable anthropologist to solve a high-profile case. She agrees, but only on the condition that she get to participate in the field work. The FBI officer overseeing the investigation reluctantly accepts her as his partner.

    Hot Fuzz: A super-talented police commando is transferred from London to a small village because the London cops are sick of him making them look bad. (It’s a comedy).

    Men in Black: a New York cop becomes a Man in Black after impressing a veteran MIB. I didn’t feel like this one was particularly well-executed, but the concept (showing that you’re capable of handling the work and/or otherwise somehow getting involved in a pressing case) strikes me as promising.

    I think I need a better premise to explain how an IRS agent comes to join a top-secret, superlethal team.

  412. roseaponion 21 Mar 2010 at 2:42 pm

    (not to hijack the thread, but I have the short answer to why OSI doesn’t just fire Agent Orange – they don’t want to be sued/subjected to scrutiny for discrimination! hard to get much more of a minority than a mutant gator 🙂 )

  413. B. Macon 21 Mar 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Hmm, that’s true. I will definitely try to keep the non-discrimination/political correctness angle in mind. Also, in general, it’s a lot harder to fire government employees than in the private sector.

  414. Ragged Boyon 21 Mar 2010 at 6:24 pm

    “–Why does Gary apply to the OSI?”

    Well, I suspect that after being in an accident caused by assissins in a world where supervillains exist most businesses would want to work with him. They would fear by caught in supervillain’s acts by working with him. But the OSI wouldn’t be afraid to hire him; A supervillain would have to be incredibly bold or incredibly stupid to attack that buliding. So he ends up having to apply at the OSI.

    – This kinda goes back to your too complicated to explain in-story thing. But I figured it could be done in a short flashback, maybe in a cartoony style*, about a page length.

    *That’s just my creative input, I thought maybe you could do something with the website’s style of comic. You could have in put in the comic as a page for the flashback. Just an idea.

    “Why does the OSI hire him?”

    Maybe the OSI would think that because of Gary’s involvement in a planned assassination he would be involved with a major evil organization. By working with him they could work towards the organization to capture them. So they hire him, but because they doubt his competency, and the fact that he’s a taxman, they have him work with Orange, their other least favorite.

    – Again complicated. But possible, I wouldn’t see the need for this to ever come up, but if you were set on explaining it devoting another page (Or a short exposition from Marty Stull) could probably get it done.

    “Why are the US Marshals so icy/unhelpful/confrontational to Gary?”

    They’re robots! And he does not compute.

    -Doable, but a tad wacky.

    Well, I’m glad to hear you have plans for your “road to publishing.” As of now the prospects of my comic getting published are in a glob of mystery. I kinda want to submit just my script and synopsis without art and see my odds. Conversely, I could wait until summer when I’m 99.9& sure I’ll get a job and be able to save up to do my art. And by that time I could have issue #2 already written out and #3 about to start.

    With the way school is going I’m probably going to wait it out and keep writing. I have no idea what it would be like work with a publisher. If they accept me, which is not likely, going to school and maintaining my grade may be compromised. I don’t know for sure, though.

    I’m also glad to hear that you are doing well. Keep up the good work. 😉

  415. B. Macon 21 Mar 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Thanks for the help. I really like the idea that most companies would be too afraid to work with him. It would give me another incentive to get rid of the part where the Marshals fake his death, which was convoluted.

    I also like the idea that the OSI might think that Gary knows something useful about a criminal organization–otherwise why would they bother targeting him? Maybe he doesn’t actually know what it is he’s been targeted for. (An IRS agent would work a lot of cases and have many potential enemies).

    Another possibility would be that something happens to Gary that makes him a valuable resource. For example, in Chuck, the title character is zapped with a plot device and gains mental abilities that could be hugely dangerous to the NSA. So they take him on as a spy to reduce the odds that he falls into enemy hands.



    Good luck with your writing! Let me know if you need any help with #2 or #1.

    If you were interested, I think you could come up with the time to work a full-time job in the summer and write your comic book issue(s). In any case, I would recommend applying sooner rather than later so that you get an offer before the positions get filled. I expect it’ll be a rough job market this summer.

  416. abacuson 13 Apr 2010 at 4:15 am

    your super hero writing advice is nice to read,thanks for taking the time to discuss this.

  417. Ragged Boyon 13 Apr 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Are you talking to B. Mac or me? I’m guessing B. Mac. Haha. And here I am thinking someone was interested in my story.

  418. B. Macon 13 Apr 2010 at 7:11 pm

    If you have any new writing to check out, I’d be glad to do so.



    I suppose it’s possible the above guy was responding to something you wrote, but more likely I think he’s a spambot.

  419. Ragged Boyon 14 Apr 2010 at 3:50 am

    I wrote the next two pages of my script which is Raxium and Showtime’s first showdown. Now I’m wondering how I can possibly finish this fight within three pages. Compression is not easy. Haha.

  420. B. Macon 14 Apr 2010 at 4:40 am

    Ack, I understand. A climactic fight would be very hard to fit in 3 pages.

    On the plus side, I think you could probably pare 1-2 pages out of the setup. Maybe more.

  421. Ragged Boyon 17 Apr 2010 at 12:07 pm

    By the setup you mean when Jim goes to talk to Raxium and Adrian finds the suit? I have such a hard time cutting out pages, but I’ll try. I have to remember, the more I cut out, the more tight and stylish the story is.

  422. B. Macon 17 Apr 2010 at 12:32 pm

    By the setup, I mean everything that comes before Adrian meeting Jim. I think that’s the inciting event of the story. Your setup material isn’t bad by any stretch of the imagination, but I don’t think it does as much for the story as (say) extra pages for the fight would.



    Yeah, I know how hard it is to cut pages.

  423. Ragged Boyon 12 Jun 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Huzzah! I have an idea that should hopefully kick be out of my rut and get Showtime back into production. Severance! I’m cutting the last ~12 pages of my script. Upon review I’ve realized that these pages don’t do enough for my first issue. I want to change the structure to fit the fight into the middle and try to leave room for dialogue at the end. I think that way if I can’t divulge all the plot information that I want to at least I’ll have a good fight for Showtime’s introduction. I’m going back to when Adrian first discovers the survey ball and changing the story from there. I’ve already got an idea churning in my mental cauldron…

    Also, I’m ditching Showtime’s costume in exchange for what Adrian calls The Spotlight Module. He still has all the same powers, but I wanted him to wear clothes as opposed to a costume. I think dramatic clothing will better fit the type of persona Showtime has better than a suit will. I also like the idea of him being able to change superhero-ing clothes between issues. The only drawback I can think of is how I’m going to conceal his identity (I want to just have him wear shades, but that’s not very believable) and where he gets his costumes from.

  424. Ragged Boyon 13 Jun 2010 at 4:02 pm

    Where is everyone?

  425. ShardReaperon 13 Jun 2010 at 4:04 pm

    A hood, maybe? And he gets his costumes from thrift stores or the theatre department?

  426. Ragged Boyon 13 Jun 2010 at 7:43 pm

    I like thrift stores. I’ll definitely be able to work that for humor and it’s effective. Maybe a hood could work, I’ll do some sketches.

    Thanks for responding. 🙂

  427. alxrgrson 20 Jun 2010 at 7:25 am

    Hi again, Ragged Boy. Just wanted to say, I like your idea. You’re absolutely on to something fresh there. I read a few of the scenes and you certainly have a gift for smooth, charming and also transfixing dialogue. I enjoyed some of the snappy one-liners. And, being young, I definitely associated to a lot of it; it took me back to a ‘high-school mentality’. Keep up the good work 🙂

  428. Ragged Boyon 13 Jul 2010 at 3:49 pm

    While searching through some old documents I found this ancient excerpt. I wrote it last year when Showtime was in a different phase. I was playing with a lot of ideas when I wrote this, some stuck, others not so much. I actually liked this excerpt although I’m not fond of my older works (I know they suck). But just for kicks how about a review anyone?
    ________________________________________________________________________________________
    Thunder struck creating flashes of false daytime over Santa Libra City. Adrian watched disdainfully at the downpour from a window on the space craft, his face resting lazily in his hands. He sighed repeatedly in a dramatic manner trying to incite anyone who’d care’s attention. Lae’ Trelle rolled her eyes and went back to furiously typing whatever it was she kept private on her personal computer. “You know the rules and you agreed to them. You have a regulation match, rain or hail” Jimelly said holding a oddly folded suit in his arms.

    “Rain or shine” Adrian said with a sigh.

    “What?”

    “Shine. The expression is rain or shine. And it’s not the rain I’m upset about. I control water if you haven’t forgotten.”

    “Then why are you upset? You seem most distressed” Jimelly asked tossing the suit to Adrian.

    Adrian swatted the suit to the ground “because of stupid Eric and his stupid fucking posse. Always messing with me and ruining my auditions. This time they greased the stage so that when I ran in as part of the scene I busted my ass. The director didn’t take me seriously for the rest of the monologue. How can I become a famous actor with some jerk always making me look bad? He’s lucky I don’t go Showtime on his ass.” Adrian said.

    He caught the suit, flipped it over, and pressed a large triangle on the center. Instantly, the suit lit up and wrapped around Adrian. He trotted over to a mirror to examine himself. “Whatever. I think some time as Showtime will ease my mind” he said admiring himself in his superhero appearance.

    “I don’t think you should get so strung up over your fellow humans. You could always send him here and let me experiment on him. I’ve got some new toys.” Jimelly said. He took a large cutting instrument off the wall and switched it on. A myriad of blades spun and prodded in a menacing manner. Jimelly continued to smile devilishly.

    “Thanks. But I don’t think slicing Eric open will solve my problems. Next time he tries me, though, I may be back to burrow that.” Showtime replied with a chuckle. “Besides, you’re an alien chemist, what do you know about operating on human people?”

    “There’s a first time for everything” Jimelly said meekly, placing the tool back on the wall.

    “Ok, I’m off. I’ve got the coordinates for the match. I’ll report in once I’m done. I may take some extra time, you know I have to do things with style” Showtime said opening a hatch into the drenched alleyway.

    “I still don’t understand your notion of style, but if it means so much to you take as much time as you like” Jimelly said returning to his table of glowing vials and beakers.

    Showtime jumped down into the alley pulling up his mask over his nose as he did. The hatch closed quickly behind him and returned to the appearance of a wretched brick wall. He landed with a splash in a large puddle of foul smelling water. “What a great way to start the night off, landing in a puddle of god-knows-what.” Showtime thought aloud. Ok, let’s see where the showdown will be tonight. The computer in his suit processed the thought and in seconds had his answer. Ah, the old Jamestown Apartment Complex. That’s not far at all. Showtime’s mask veiled the sarcasm on his face. Jamestown was nearly across town in the most gang-infested part of the city.

    It wasn’t long before Showtime was flipping from rooftop to rooftop along his designated path. He used his water controlling abilities to aid him maneuvering and long jumps. It was almost odd how the neighborhood in Santa Libra could range from glamorously extravagant to crime engulfed to completely bare. He was in a mostly empty part of town so there weren’t many people to see him. The Conclave made a big deal about keeping the contest a secret from the general human population. They sent prerecorded messages blabbering on about the importance of modesty and being discreet.

    Adrian in his rush had forgotten all about Eric and the drama that entailed his mention. He was too focused on coming up with ways to make him water powered jumps look more like scenes from actions movies. Every once in a while he would make a huge splash and coming flipping out uncontrollably only to clumsily recover with a grappling hook or airbag made of water. Then after regaining his courage he’d try again.

    A glimpse of embers floating in the air made Showtime stop atop a deteriorated office building. He was close to Jamestown, so there was no doubt there would be activity from people going on, but he hadn’t expected a fire. Especially with the fact that it was pouring, this was extremely odd to Adrian. His only conclusion was that someone started the fire. Who would want to start a fire here? He thought peering down at the burning building down the street. A large group of men wearing black shirts marked with a fireball emblems and toting guns came barreling out of the fire into the street only to be greeted by another group of men with black and yellow jacket carrying firearms as well. Of course, the Fireballs started the fire, but now they have to answer to the Banshees. The Fireballs and the Banshees were two of many feuding gangs in Santa Libra. The Fireballs had just set on of the Banshee’s biggest drug labs on fire. And the Banshees weren’t to thrill to see their work in flame.

    “Looks like they need a little dramatic intervention before they shoot each other full of holes” Showtime said to himself. He drives down off the building surfing on a wave of rain water until he reached the street. Then, he jumped off and the directed to wave towards the gangsters. They only got a glimpse of the wave before it swept them all off of their feet.

    Showtime casually walked before them adjusting his glove. “Now look, I’m sure there’s plenty of drugs to go around” he joked “I’m sure if you all worked together you could make an agreement and solves this peacefully.” The gangsters stood to their feet reclaiming their weapons. What looked to be the leaders of both sides looked to each other.

    “He say we should work together, eh” The Banshee leader said, his Spanish accent was thick.

    “Yeah, and we can reach an agreement, huh” The Fireball leader remarked.

    They shook hands and turned to Showtime. “Get that mark!” The Fireball leader yelled out. Both gangs aimed their weapons and began to open fire. Showtime blasted into the air creating a large splash he flipped through the air and landed on the other side of the gangs. Hey, I did it he though for a second before regaining his focus. “What the hell? Get this joker!” The Banshee leader cried out. Showtime quickly made a water whip that leveled most of the gangsters before they could fire. He touched the ground and pulled up a wall of water using his powers he made it extremely viscous, so much so that I stopped the incoming bullets. Another explosion went off from the building sending Showtime and the others flying across the road. As he crashed to the ground the air was knocked out of lungs. He rolled and gasped for air in shallow pools on the street. Upon regaining his breath he tried to stand but was stop by a warning.

    “You get up and we blow your fucking brains out” A Fireball member said. Showtime looked up, a small group had already recovered and were holding their weapons on Showtime.

    “Alright, looks like you showed me up, but I suggest you don’t try to shoot me. You’ll definitely regret it” Showtime remarked breathy.

    “You try any on that water stuff and we gun you down before you can move a drop” Another thick accented member stated.

    Showtime began to stand slowly. “Get back down, boy!” He continued to stand despite the threat. As he raised his hands to pretend to surrender light flickered off of his suit and one of the member thought it was him using his powers. “Shoot him!” In a series cacophonous bursts and miniature explosion the gangsters all fell wearily to the ground buffeted by shrapnel and sound. Showtime dropped a coat of water he had pulled up to protect himself and said “I warned you not to shoot. I clogged your gun barrels with extremely sticky water causing your bullets to get stuck in the chamber, therefore, simultaneous banana peels. Simple trick, but effective. Have a good night. “

    Showtime walked over to the burning building and looks up at the damage. “Now to put out this fire.” He raised his hand and water lifted from the ground creating spires that began to put the blaze out. Within minutes the fire was out and the street returned to it dark and cold environment with only the smell of gunpowder and plumes of smoke telling the story of what happened.

    “Done. Now to get to my fight, at least now I’m warmed up.” Showtime turned and was about to walk away when he saw a woman’s figure under a distant lamppost.

    “Are you lost, maam?” He called out.

    The figure raised its arm slowly in Showtime’s direction as if reaching out for help. Showtime started towards the woman, but before his second step something pierced his shoulder. He cringed and fell to his knee with a grunt. It quickly retracted back into the woman’s arm who was walking forward quickly in a modelesque fashion. As she came into the light Showtime could see her. See was drop-dead gorgeous, emphasis on the drop-dead part. Her suit was a mix of futuristic babe and dominatrix. She flipped her short black hair to the side and said “Wow, boy, ya sure are careless. I could have easily gutted you just then. I’m Lace, Black Lace and you must be Showtime.” Her southern accent was apparent.

    “Yeah, I am Ms. Lace. Can I ask to what pleasure I owe this encounter?” Showtime stood to his feet grasping his shoulder gently.

    “Were scheduled to fight, silly.” She answered. Despite her beauty she had an odd appearance, her skin was an olive color and she had multiple lines wiring over her body as if he was made of tentacles wrapped and bound in a human shape.

    “Well, you certainly saved me a trip. What exactly are you?” Showtime asked

    “I’m a human infused with alien just like you. My race, the Trallorian, have a mastery of biological manipulation. I make my body do anything. And I mean anything. and from that blood sample I just got from you I can see you’re mixed with Lemorion, about 17, African-american, and a virgin” She said with a presumptuous giggle.

    “You learned all that from one attack? Pretty good, but let me see what that body can do” Showtime said with a smirk.

    “You reek of virginity, but you don’t talk like one. Fine, I’ll show you how a real Mississippi woman does things” She jumped into the air and morphed her legs into a drill of tendrils and hardened flesh spiraling towards Showtime. He readied himself this opponent would be tricky, but he was a master of improv. “Action, baby!” He called out before blasting into the air.

  429. B. Macon 13 Jul 2010 at 8:05 pm

    I’m in the middle of a tag-update that’ll take me at least a few hours, but could you remind me to review this tomorrow? Thanks.

    PS: I think the link at the end is broken.

  430. Ragged Boyon 13 Jul 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Technically, it’s tomorrow now, but that’s not fair. Haha. I’ll remind you later.

  431. RBon 14 Jul 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Just a refresher for anyone who wanted to read and/or review my above piece. Any takers?

  432. B. Macon 14 Jul 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Thanks for the reminder.

    “Thunder struck, creating flashes of false daytime…” I’d recommend replacing thunder with lightning.

    “Santa Libra City”— I’d recommend shortening it to Santa Libra because 1) it’s probably unnecessary and 2) I don’t think it feels natural for a city with a name from Spanish to end in City.


    “trying to incite anyone who’d care’s attention”—I’d rewrite to something like “trying to grab the attention of anybody who’d care.” I don’t think incite is the best word here because it usually has a connotation of stirring someone to action (particularly a riot or a revolt).

    “You know the rules and you agreed to them. You have a regulation match, rain or shine” could probably be shortened to “You agreed to a regulation match, rain or shine.” For added style, maybe something like “I don’t care if it’s hailing TNT. The fight is on.” (Alternately, since it’s Jim, I’d probably replace TNT with something that sounds zany, extraterrestrial and dangerous—maybe Centauri brain slugs or Andromeda flesh-eaters).

    I think that Adrian tells us what he’s feeling about Eric too much. Also, I feel he’s being too cooperative with the information. Maybe have Adrian hide more and have Jim probe more. Also, Jim could show off his personality by offering utterly nonsensical advice. (Maybe referring back to the Andromeda flesh-eaters? 😉 )

    “Then why are you upset? You seem most distressed.” I think you could cut the question here. Feels unnecessary.

    I think it might help if there were more of a connection between Adrian’s super-life (the suit/battle/Jim) and his regular life (Eric/acting/etc) here. For example, Jim seems pretty passive here, just listening to Adrian’s monologue. What does he think about the Eric situation? (Suggestions? Commands? Past experiences that are either somehow parallel or wildly off the mark?)


    Maybe I could demonstrate with a noncanonical Gary-Agent Orange scenelet:


    GARY: …And now my landlord is threatening to evict me!


    AGENT ORANGE: Clearly you require the counsel of gatorly wisdom.


    GARY: The only thing I require is a pay-raise.


    AGENT ORANGE: The only thing you are getting is gatorly wisdom.


    GARY: I refuse to eat my landlord.


    AGENT ORANGE: Hah! When an alligator requires financial assistance, teeth are scarcely required.

    (Agent Orange imagines a scene where a huge, nonmutant alligator is about to get evicted by his landlord. This should look as surreal as it sounds).


    IMAGINED LANDLORD: You’re three months past due. I didn’t want it to come to this, but…


    The imagined alligator gives a preposterously cute, pleading expression (like puppy dog eyes).


    IMAGINED LANDLORD, looking uncomfortable: Well, I guess I could give you another month.


    The imagined alligator smiles cheerfully.

    GARY, bewildered/annoyed: That is wildly inane.


    AGENT ORANGE, pensive: Admittedly, it does hinge on likability. But you’re not giving me much to work with.


    Okay, that’s enough of my tangent.


    “You could always send him here and let me experiment on him. I’ve got some new toys”—I think Adrian might forcefully lay down some parameters here. If he’s going to beat Eric, it’ll be because he’s a better actor. (Also, he may be offended by Jim’s implication that he cannot take beat Eric in acting).


    “Besides, you’re an alien chemist, what do you know about operating on human people?” “There’s a first time for everything.” I think that he could suggest earlier (maybe when he mentions the toys/surgical implements) that he’s never operated on humans before.


    The surgery angle takes Jim in a dark direction. That’s not a problem, but maybe Adrian would try to keep him in-bounds. (Dissuade him from dicing people open, for one thing—maybe convince him that some common pest is far more interesting to dissect).
    “I may take some extra time, you know I have to do things with style”—I think you could show his desire for style more smoothly. For example, maybe Jim tells him not to be late this time (conflict!) and Adrian tells him that style takes time. Then you could suggest (rather than tell us) that Jim doesn’t understand what style is. (You might have Adrian try to show Jim what style is over the course of the series).


    “What a great way to start the night off, landing in a puddle of god-knows-what.” Unnecessary. We can guess he’s annoyed from what happened, but if you’d like to show he’s annoyed, I’d recommend a disgusted expression or some other physical indication he’s angry.


    “Ah, the old Jamestown Apartment Complex. That’s not far at all. Showtime’s mask veiled the sarcasm on his face. Jamestown was nearly across town in the most gang-infested part of the city.” I don’t think that this sarcasm works, because we don’t know where Jamestown is. One possibility: “The old Jamestown apartment complex. That’s not far at all—just four miles straight into the slums.”


    “He used his water controlling abilities to aid him maneuvering and long jumps.” Example?


    “They sent prerecorded messages blabbering on about the importance of modesty and being discreet.” Haha. The use of “blabbering” is an excellent way of showing us what his opinion about them is like. He doesn’t have to TELL us he finds them tiresome.


    “I warned you not to shoot. I clogged your gun barrels with extremely sticky water causing your bullets to get stuck in the chamber, therefore, simultaneous banana peels. Simple trick, but effective. Have a good night.” Could be shortened to “Next time, drain the barrel.” I agree that it’s a neat trick—I was fearing that he’d only escape because the villains got stupid or he stupidly bumrushed them and somehow defeated them anyway.


    “Now to put out this fire.” Unnecessary, probably.


    I feel the conversation between Adrian and Lace could be sharpened. For one thing, she’s supposed to be a femme fatale but doesn’t actually strike when he gives her the chance. Also, she volunteers her powers to him. If she’s cutthroat, she might say something like “Wait and see” instead.


    The virginity angle seems kind of out of the blue. I think it’s sort of humorous when it comes up the first time. (Possible retort from Adrian the master actor: “Bitch, please! I use a rubber every time”). I feel like it got sort of weird when she said “you reek of virginity.”

  433. RagBoon 15 Jul 2010 at 10:19 am

    Thanks. I definitely need to see my rough areas when it comes to writing.

    “Thunder struck, creating flashes of false daytime…” I’d recommend replacing thunder with lightning.

    – Haha. For as smart as I like to think I am I tend to make a lot of idiot mistakes like this. Lightning strikes, thunder ‘sounds’.

    “Santa Libra City”— I’d recommend shortening it to Santa Libra because 1) it’s probably unnecessary and 2) I don’t think it feels natural for a city with a name from Spanish to end in City.

    – I should have edited that. This was before San Libre became the name of the city.

    I feel the conversation between Adrian and Lace could be sharpened. For one thing, she’s supposed to be a femme fatale but doesn’t actually strike when he gives her the chance. Also, she volunteers her powers to him. If she’s cutthroat, she might say something like “Wait and see” instead.

    – I attribute that to her love of foreplay. See’s definitely the type to play with her enemy before devouring them (not intentionally sexual, she really does swallow people whole for sustainance). I still haven’t pinned Lace yet as far as personality.

    – Jimelly stunk in this piece, but that’s my fault. I didn’t give him enough opportunities to be himself. I’ll do it better next time maybe even give him a combat role.

    I think one of the things I have problems with is dialogue that’s not central. I tend to get stumped and write the first thing that comes to mind. And that’s usually something quirky. I think that goes along with having a full understanding of your character’s personality and, by extension, their intercations with others. I’ll work on it. And decribing action is tricky to me, too.

    Since finding this older piece I’ve been inspired to write a non-storyline short story with Adrian to see if I’ve improved (I doubt it. Haha). One last favor: If there’s one area in this piece that needs the most work I need to know what it is so that when I write a new one I’ll at least have one problem area fixed.

    Thanks again.

  434. B. Macon 15 Jul 2010 at 2:36 pm

    I don’t think it matters much if Jim has a combat role, but do let him be himself. 🙂 On the plus side, he’s generally quite a lively character. (A far more serious problem, which definitely does not apply here, would be if the character did not have a personality and just sort of did whatever the author felt like at the time).

  435. Ragged Boyon 21 Aug 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Huzzah! 48 minutes and 729 words later in Write or Die and I’ve got 4 new pages. Their hot and fresh, albeit rough*, from my mental bakery.

    To catch everyone up to speed. Adrian was at school when he noticed something odd and was nearly deafened by a strange sound. With a little trickery he escapes school and investigates the odd occurence. in a vacant lot he sees two aliens, but they quickly vanish into a beam of light. He runs into the alley and picks up a piece of tech they left behind. He is suddenly attacked by what looks like alien ninjas. After a short chase Adrian is cornered, but is luckily saved. But by who?
    ___________________________________________________________________________________________
    Page 21: Seven Panels

    Panel 1: The aliens ninjas jump off into the alleys.

    Panel 2: Short panel. Low angle on Jimelly’s boot and the end of his coat swayed lightly with the breeze. A bit of dust swirls around his feet.

    Jimelly: Most…

    Panel 3: Another short panel. Jimelly’s shiny, solid black eye, a thin white sliver indicates his pupil resting in the corner of his eye.

    Jimelly: …Interesting…

    Panel 4: Adrian’s POV. He looks up at Jimelly whose head is immediately in front of the sun. His head is shadowed and as the wind picks up his coat blows in the breeze giving him an eery look. His dialogue could be separated on either side of him.

    Jimelly: I didn’t think a human would detect my presense here, I suppose I should have set my surveyor to anathetise, or maybe, vaporize. Nevermind the past, I can just get rid of you now.

    Panel 5: A three fingered alien hand begin to reach towards Adrian. His finger are long and thin.

    Adrian (off, pleading): Look, I-I’m just a kid. A strikingly handsome kid, but a kid, nonetheless.

    Panel 6: Adrian’s eyes widen in fear and swell with water. His arm with the ball stuck to it guards his face.

    Adrian (thought): I can’t believe this is it. My fame, my movies, my women, my dreams all fade…

    Panel 7: Cut to black.

    Adrian (written on the darkness in white): …To black.

    SFX: Click!


    Page 22: Six panels.

    Panel 1: Profile. Jimelly has the survey ball in his hand and is pulling it back from Adrian. The sticky goop is
    gone. Adrian stares blank at the alien before him.

    Adrian: Huh?

    Jimelly: I’m just kidding, human. Stop leaking. I’m Jimelly. You are?

    Panel 2: Adrian begins to stand. He looks nervous as he reluctantly talks to the alien.

    Adrian: A-Adrian. And you mean you’re not going to chop me up and serve me to some alien bigwigs?

    Panel 3: Jimelly looks at a projected screen on the ball giving Adrian his side-thoughts.

    Jimelly: I most definitely hadn’t planned on it. Ah, I see!

    Panel 4: Adrian turns giddy and jumps behind Jimelly to look at the screen.

    Adrian: Ooh, see what? I wanna see.

    Panel 5: Jimelly winds his hand with the ball back accidentally smacking Adrian in the face.

    Jimelly: That this surveyor is most incorrect!

    Adrian: Oof.

    Panel 6: Jim smashes the ball on the ground, shattering it.

    Jimelly (big): HA!


    Page 23: Five panels

    Panel 1: Adrian rubs his nose. His face is twisted in mild anguish.

    Adrian: Ouch! Well what was the matter with it that you had to smack me?

    Panel 2: Jimelly shoves his hands into his coat pockets and takes off down the original alley. Adrian follows suit still rubbing his nose.

    Jimelly: Well, for one the screen was cracked. I don’t know how that could have happened. Do you?

    Adrian: Nope.

    Panel 3: A cartoony visualization of Adrian whacking one the alien ninjas over the head with the ball.

    Adrian (off): Once it was on my hand I left it alone.

    Panel 4: As if looking from on top of a building we see Jimelly stopped in the center of the lot exactly where the ball was and Adrian standing close by.

    Jimelly: Hmm, most odd. Well, the second reason was that it claimed to detect abnormal alien presences.
    Balderdash!

    Adrian: What about the creeps in black? They’re alien.

    Jimelly: But I concracted them. It wouldn’t have read them.

    Panel 5: Adrian strokes his chin in deep thought.

    Adrian: Have you considered that there might actually be other aliens?


    Page 24: Five Panels. Panel 2 can work like an insert, slightly overlapping 1 and 3.

    Panel 1: Jimelly bursts into dramatic laughter waving off the comment.

    Jimelly: You are most humorous, human boy. Didn’t I already say balder–

    Panel 2: Short panel. Slender close-up on Jim’s eyes now squinted with keen awareness

    Panel 3: Jimelly quickly throws something small from the inside of his jacket.

    Jimelly: Hup!

    Panel 4: In the foreground, a vial of icy blue liquid shoots through the air. In the background, Adrian stares at the incoming vial.

    Panel 5: the vial is closer as Adrian dives out of the way.

    Adrian: Whoa!

    Panel 6: A resplendent blue flash bursts in the air. Adrian’s diving shadow is visible as he narrowly escapes.

    SFX: Plink!


    Page 25: Four panels, the fourth being the largest.

    Panel 1: Adrian is on the ground looking at the spot where he was just standing. He is awestruck.

    Adrian: What was that?! And what’s you do to it.

    Panel 2: A large, jagged frozen ball is suspended where Adrian was by three thin icy legs.

    Jimelly: An acid construct, but I’ve neutralized it now. And from the hormones it radiated I have no doubt it was from…

    Panel 3: A large figure crashes down behind Jimelly. Jimelly still looks composed as he begins to turn his jacket-tail flying in the uproar.

    Figure: Heh heh heh

    SFX: CRASH!!!

    Panel 4: Large shot, low angle looking up. We see Jimelly’s back. He’s standing in front of a giant alien, Raxium. Raxium is a dingy brownish yellow color. His face has bulging deformities. His upper body, particularly his arms are gigantic, he stands on them instead of his legs. His lower body is incredibly small in proportion to his top half. He stands over Jim with a menacing grin drooling a bit. His body lets off a green steam (he has acidic sweat). Also, the shadow he casts over Jimelly makes him look even more menacing.

    Jimelly:…My old friend, Raxium.
    ___________________________________________________________________________________________

    What do you think? Overall, I’m liking the setup.

  436. B. Macon 21 Aug 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Could you remind me tomorrow? Thanks.

  437. RBon 21 Aug 2010 at 5:53 pm

    No problem.

  438. B. Macon 21 Aug 2010 at 8:29 pm

    I thought your summary of the first 20 pages was very succinct. I approve!

    “Jimelly: I didn’t think a human would detect my presense here, I suppose I should have set my surveyor to anathetise, or maybe, vaporize. Nevermind the past, I can just get rid of you now.” This doesn’t sound like natural conversation. On the one hand, that might be effective because he’s supposed to sound odd. However, it does sound like he’s expositioning himself. [UPDATE: In hindsight, this language feels inconsistent with what he actually ends up doing].

    I like the “fade to black” pun. For one thing, it’s not intrusive if you don’t get the acting reference. 🙂

    Jim sounds a bit more sinister in his initial conversation than he actually ends up being. I’d recommend having a reason if he changes from one to the other.

    “Well, for one the screen was cracked. I don’t know how that could have happened. Do you?” Give your artist a context clue about whether Jim is suspicious or genuinely not sure. (I’m pretty confident he’s suspicious based on the whack, but I’m not 100% sure).

    “A cartoony visualization of Adrian whacking one the alien ninjas over the head with the ball.” Haha. I really like this. And the off-panel lie, too.

    concracted– is that the right word? Contracted, perhaps?

    “Have you considered that there might actually be other aliens?” What do you think about “Maybe there are other aliens.”? This is a little bit less scientific and a little bit more confident–do you think it fits the characters?

    “What was that?! And what’s you do to it.” I’m not quite sure about this second sentence. What’s he asking?

    I like these pages a lot.

  439. Ragged Boyon 22 Aug 2010 at 11:08 am

    The sinister at first thing was meant to be played as a joke. Jimelly messing with Adrian because he knows that he is scared. And thenin the end he admits to his joking. I’ll play with the lines for that part and see if I can’t make the joke a little more clear and smooth.

    I’d also like to run by Adrian’s dialogue and see where I can infuse some style.

    “What was that?! And what’s you do to it.” I’m not quite sure about this second sentence. What’s he asking?”

    -Ugh! Typo. It’s supposed to be “And what’d you do to it?”

    “concracted– is that the right word? Contracted, perhaps?” – Indeed. I was originally going to have Jim say he created those aliens, but that would have taken more panels to explain.

    I think I should be able to get this fight done within the pages I have left. I plan to setup Adrian not taking the mutagen blocker within the next two pages and becoming Showtime for the first time not too long after that. I’m going get on Write or Die and I should be able to get some more pages roughed out.

  440. B. Macon 22 Aug 2010 at 12:22 pm

    “Jimelly messing with Adrian because he knows that he is scared. And thenin the end he admits to his joking. I’ll play with the lines for that part and see if I can’t make the joke a little more clear and smooth.”

    One possibility would be having Jim tranquilize Adrian and then joke later, when we have some context to know he’s joking. (IE: after Adrian has woken up and it’s clear it’s not a prison or an alien chop-shop). You might also work in some visual cues that he’s joking.

  441. Ragged Boyon 23 Aug 2010 at 11:06 am

    The next installment before the official arrival of Showtime. You know what’s funny is that even after reworking these pages, Showtime still makes his first appearance on the same page.
    ___________________________________________________________________

    Page 26: Five panels.

    Panel 1: Jimelly, ever composed, looks up at the grotesque monstrosity.

    Jimelly: It’s so good to see you again…

    Panel 2: Raxium looks down menacingly at the smaller man.

    Jimelly (off): …Well, maybe not. How mutation treating you?

    Raxium: So still got jokes, eh, Jim? You always were one big joke.

    Panel 3: One of Raxium’s giant arms swats Jimelly breaking him into a large splash.

    Raxium: Well, how funny is this?

    SFX: WHACK!

    Panel 4: From a puddle Jimelly slowly begins to reform. He looks to be struggling to lift himself as well as maintain shape.

    Jimelly: *Cough* You’ve added a compound to your acid. It’s disrupting my membrane.

    Panel 5: Low angle. Raxium looms over Jimelly smiling complacently. A stream of drool hangs from his mouth.

    Raxium: Youse forget I used to be a scientist, too? I made that compound with you in mind, buddy. Enjoy moleculah stasis!

    Page 27: Eight panels. Panels 2, 3, and 4 can rest slightly overlapping panel 5.

    Panel 1: In the background, a jagged film begins to form over Jimelly’s half formed body as he throws a pair of vials towards Adrian. In the foreground, a red vial and orange vial fly by.

    Jimelly: Adrian! Take these! But drink the red one first!

    Panel 2: Close up on Adrian’s eyes. He’s ready to dash

    Panel 3: The vials skitter across the ground.

    SFX (small): clink clink

    Panel 4: Close-up on Raxium’s eyes. He’s ready to crush!

    Panel 5: Wide panel. In the foreground, Adrian makes a dash for the vials. In the background, Raxium splashes over Jimelly as he charges towards Adrian. Adrian’s start should look very strong. The vials rest on the ground in between them.

    Panel 6: Adrian slides scooping up the vials into each hand.

    SFX: SKIIIIIIIIDDD!

    Panel 7: Close up on Raxium’s hulking hand grabbing Adrian’s arm. This should be whichever arm is holding the orange vial leaving the arm with the red vial free.

    Raxium: Gotcha!

    Panel 8: Raxium lifts Adrian into the air by his arm. Adrian yells from the burn of Raxium’s grip. You can show that his sleeve has begun to deteriorate where Raxium is holding him. Raxium looks pleased.

    Adrian: Ah! Lemme go, ya freak!

    Raxium: Not likely, Fingerfood. I’m gonna want a snack after all this work.

    Page 28: Six panels.

    Panel 1: A close up on Adrian’s face his eyes are shadowed and a mischievous grin is drawn across his face. Beads of sweat run down the sides of his face.

    Adrian: A snack, huh?

    Panel 2: Adrian rears back his free arm. In the foreground Adrian looks furious with sweat flying and his teeth grinding. In the background Adrian’s hand clutches the vial pulling it in for a punch. Adrian’s face and arm can be stretched and exaggerated to show the intensity.

    Adrian: Chew on this, Frankenstein!

    Panel 3: Connect! The vial smashes against Raxium’s face. A glaring red splashes out. His hand releases Adrian’s arm, whose sleeve is nothing but orange scraps.

    Raxium: Gurk!

    Panel 4: Adrian drops to the ground landing in a Spiderman-esque pose. Dust whirls around his feet. The orange vial still in his hand.

    Adrian (thought): Crap! I was supposed to drink that. Oh well, I’ve got no choice now.

    Panel 5: Adrian quickly downs the orange vial.

    SFX: Glug glug glug

    Panel 6: Raxium with red junk still dripping off his face rears back to smash Adrian.

    Raxium: I dunno who ya think you are, but no one smacks, Raxium.
    ___________________________________________________________________

    What do you think?

  442. Ragged Boyon 25 Aug 2010 at 6:06 pm

    Reminderino. See above please, anybody? Any takers?

  443. B. Macon 25 Aug 2010 at 7:09 pm

    I think that there may be a smoother way to explain why he doesn’t drink the red vial first. For example, maybe Jim gives Adrian the red vial when they first meet, as a precaution. Then maybe Adrian doesn’t trust Jim and sneakily dumps the fluid and pretends to have drunk it.

    Or maybe Raxium gets to the red one first, or the red vial is shattered in the scramble, or the red vial falls somewhere inaccessible.



    It seems to me sort of implausible that his punch would do anything to Raxium.



    “Adrian drops to the ground landing in a Spiderman-esque pose. Dust whirls around his feet. The orange vial still in his hand.” How far away is he from Raxium at this point? If Raxium just dropped him, I would imagine he’s too close to show this pose (or plausibly drink the vial without getting swatted).

  444. Ragged Boyon 25 Aug 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Alright. I like your suggestion for the uneasiness angle at first. I think I can use that as a good setup for the following action. I’m gonna rewrite this scene and I think I can squeeze some more creative juice into it.

  445. Ghoston 25 Aug 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Hey Ragged Boy,
    So I have to admit up front that I am not a very good script reader. I either need the visuals or more details to really form the picture in my head. Having said that, I figured I would try to give you some feed back as best I can. The first that caught my attention was why is Jim so calm and not agressive on page 26 when he is confronted by Raxium. I haven’t been able to find all the pages of your script, but it seems kinda weird to me that Jim wouldn’t try to take a defensive stance or something when confronted my a giant monster he know is going to attack him. It almost seems to me that that whole scene is contrived for the purpose of forcing Jim to give Adrian the vials (which I assume will give him his powers). I think you should go with Jim on page 25 with a shocked expresion on his face, “Raxium”. Jim pushes Adrian. Raxium swats Jim across the back. Jim goes splat against a wall and drips onto the ground. Amorphous blob begins to turn into Jim, “It’s so good to see you again… “(cough). Raxium looks down menacingly at the smaller man. Jimelly (off): …Well, maybe not. How mutation treating you(cough, cough)?Raxium: So still got jokes, eh, Jim? You always were one big joke. Jim then was trouble reforming completely, he shaped like a humaniod, but lacks no details or features. (Coughing between words) Jimelly,”You’ve added a compound to your acid. It’s disrupting my membrane.” Jim in a last dicth effort throws the vials to Adrian.
    Like I said earlier, I haven’t read to whole script, but the way Jim is acting on page 26 just seem illogical to me like he wants Raxium to beat him but I don’t understand why.
    The other two pages look pretty good, although some of Raxium’s dialogue is kind of hard to understand. Like when he said “gurk” on 28 or “youse” on 26. I know that Raxium is suppose to intentionally sound dumb and funny, but I would caution you not to go over board with his dialogue because it will make him sound Hokey.
    Well sorry I couldn’t be more help, but like I said I am not very good at reading scripts.

  446. Ragged Boyon 25 Aug 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Sharp! In actuality Jimelly does let himself be subdued on purpose. After the fight Jimelly explains that he could have easily broken out of the stasis. He allowed it to continue to test Adrian and because Adrain didn’t die he is worthy of being his apprentice. Sorry, withoutthe rest of the script you couldn’t have known that. My b. My point is to emphasize that Jimelly is an individual who works to his own agenda, although his methods are impractical. He is renowned across the universe for being a big hit-and miss chemists. His creations are either great such as The ‘Showtime’ Formula or terrible like Raxium.

    I like Raxium’s voice, although I’ll probably revise that ‘gurk’ to a ‘grrk’ to show that it’s a sound rather than speech. I never said Raxy was supposed to sound dumb. That’s probably the impression he would leave on characters. He’s an ex-scientist, he’s far from dumb, hence his calculated attack on Jimelly.

    Thank you for givig your time to review my piece. It means a lot.

  447. Ghoston 26 Aug 2010 at 8:37 am

    Ragged Boy,
    I think that if Raxium was a scientist, and his mutation hasn’t degraded his intelligences, then maybe you should make him should more eloquent. I still think that the scene on 26 could be done better. If Jim is intentionally setting up a fight between Raxy and Adrian then I don’t think that Jim should get involved at all. It seems like an unnecessary risk for Jim to take a hit from Raxium just to draw Adrian into the fight. I mean Jim might be the Reed Richards of you superverse, but things can still go wrong.

  448. Ragged Boyon 26 Aug 2010 at 11:42 am

    “I still think that the scene on 26 could be done better.”

    Indeed. That’s why it’s a rough draft. I’ve already got plans in the works for a number of these pages. I’ll play with Raxy’s voice a little, but, ultimately, it will stay the same.

    Jimelly would have to get involved because Raxium is after him. The only way to remove himself as a variable is to be subdued. If he runs Raxium will give chase leaving Adrian dumbfounded. So he allows himself to be subdued. Think of it as subterfuge. Jim can easily beat Raxium, but then how would he test Adrian? I think I’ll leave the general idea the way it is. I may do some extra lampshading at the end for others like you.

    Indeed, things can go wrong I’m not trying to make Jim perfect or anything. But, Jim’s very smart he calculated the odds as soon as that acid ball nearly melted Adrian.

  449. Ragged Boyon 26 Aug 2010 at 11:45 am

    I hope I don’t sound snippy. I don’t take critique well, but I try not to show it because that unprofessional. Sometimes I boil over. Haha.

    Anyway, I’m glad you wanted to help. Just asking, is there anything you did like?

  450. B. Macon 26 Aug 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Quoting Ghost:

    “The other two pages look pretty good” and “I haven’t been able to find all the pages of your script,” which suggests that he’s interested enough in the story to want to keep reading.

  451. Ghoston 26 Aug 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Ragged Boy,
    B. Mac is right, I like your story. I also understand getting defensive so don’t worry about that. I think some of my “dislike” regarding the events on page 26 come from the fact that I haven’t read the whole script, and therefore don’t know that Raxium is after Jim specifically. I kind of thought he was after both Jim and Adrian, which to me indicated that if Jim wanted to test Adrian all he needed to do was get out of the way. So I don’t know if that piece of information is somewhere earlier in the script or not, but I do think that it is important.
    Also, I should apologize because I know that I have a bad habit of only glossing over the positive parts in a critique. It comes from my time in the military where no news is good news. Generally, we only address problems or short comings and ignore everything done correctly because it saves time. So for future reference, if I don’t comment on some part of your scipt it means that I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. I will also try in the future to be more forth coming with the thing I do like, since I know from experince, and my girlfriends constant nagging, how demoralizing it can be when people only point out your mistakes.

  452. B. Macon 26 Aug 2010 at 2:38 pm

    “Also, I should apologize because I know that I have a bad habit of only glossing over the positive parts in a critique… I will also try in the future to be more forth coming with the thing I do like, since I know from experince, and my girlfriends constant nagging, how demoralizing it can be when people only point out your mistakes.”

    I think that’s a good plan. I aim for something like 60-70% criticism, 30-40% compliments.



    I liked Raxium’s voice. The dialect (like “youse”) was diluted enough that the character felt believable as a scientist but strong enough that he felt distinct.

  453. Ragged Boyon 26 Aug 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Thanks, I’ll work on Page 26 and up and see if I can’t work something a little more fluid out. The only reason I’m rushing is because I’m starting to get pressed for pages. This wouldn’t be a problem if this weren’t the first issue, but I’m trying to fit everything in there and it’s tricky. This is my first script and I really want it to make it or get somewhat close, so I may probe for positive feedback every now and then. I just wanna see how far this baby can go.

    Raxium is only after Jimelly because Jim Jim is the one that messed him up and the one that he thinks can fix him. In Jimelly’s opinion Raxium is probably one of the biggest mistakes he’s made. Not only did he fail the experiment but he lost a friend. Oh, the melodrama. Jim would help him, but unfortunately Raxium’s DNA is too unstable to experiment on without causing death or further mutation. Raxium refuses to believe Jimelly, though, hence his attack.

    Later towards the end Jimelly is able to help him a little. And Raxium joins the good guys.

    And no worries, I don’t plan on getting defensive everytime I get critiqued. If that were the case B. Mac would have banned me a while ago. Haha.

  454. B. Macon 26 Aug 2010 at 4:50 pm

    “In Jimelly’s opinion Raxium is probably one of the biggest mistakes he’s made. Not only did he fail the experiment but he lost a friend.” I think this could be shown visually and with his dialogue.

    Right now, one of his lines to Raxium (“How’s the mutation treating you?”) makes him sound pretty glib about it. He’s sort of rubbing it in Raxium’s face?



    I like the twist that he eventually joins up.

  455. Ragged Boyon 27 Aug 2010 at 12:00 am

    “‘In Jimelly’s opinion Raxium is probably one of the biggest mistakes he’s made. Not only did he fail the experiment but he lost a friend.’ I think this could be shown visually and with his dialogue.”

    Indeed. I don’t think I played up this aspect as much as the original script did. While revising I’ll be sure to pin down this element.

    I just got an ingenious idea. I was mulling over what you and Ghost said and suggested and have come up with a scenario that should be pretty compelling. First, I’ll use the setup B. Mac suggested with Jimelly giving Adrian the first vial early on and Adrian stealthily pouring it out. Then, after Jim saves Adrian from the acid ball Raxium arrives and attempt to attck Jim. As Ghost suggested Jim go on the defensive getting closer to Adrian and giving him the second vial. With little time to think before Raxy charges Adrian takes the vial and dodges his attack. He looks up to see Jimelly standing on a rooftopn observing the action. Raxium asks why Jim keeps running and Jimelly propositions Raxium telling him that if he can defeat Adrian that he will fix him*. Raxium agrees and attacks Adrian, who is now Showtime, and the fight commences. Afterwards, Jimelly asks Adrian to be his apprentice and Adrian agrees. And so ends Issue 1.

    What do you think?

    *Of course, Jimelly doesn’t plan on letting Adrian die. He wants to test Adrian as well as observing the effects of his formula on a human. I plan for him to pull out a notepad and stylis and begin taking notes while they fight. After the fight, Jimelly assures Adrian that he would have stepped in if things got too dangerous.

  456. Ragged Boyon 27 Aug 2010 at 12:10 am

    Haha. I did a blockquote. I’m gonna start using those more often.

  457. B. Macon 27 Aug 2010 at 5:11 am

    I like strikethroughs, as well. The code is del, and it’ll look like this.

  458. B. Macon 27 Aug 2010 at 6:15 am

    “Jimelly propositions Raxium telling him that if he can defeat Adrian that he will fix him*. Raxium agrees and attacks Adrian, who is now Showtime, and the fight commences” This doesn’t feel as urgent as Raxium attacking Jim and threatening Adrian.

    Will readers understand why Jim wants Raxium to fight Adrian? If Jim is egging Rax to attack Adrian, why would Adrian drink the vial? (I’d have major trust issues with him at that point).

  459. Ghoston 27 Aug 2010 at 6:27 am

    Yeah, I am with B. Mac on this one.

  460. Ragged Boyon 27 Aug 2010 at 7:45 am

    Well, I was going to have Adrian drink the vial before the proposition. Kinda forcing him into a dead end. At first, Adrian thinks he’s been betrayed, but in the end Jimelly apologizes and laughs and reassures him of his safety.

    With this edge Jim could get Raxium to attack Adrian at full-force. It’s not as urgent, but I think it’s a fun way to play with Jimelly’s characterization.

    Well, I’m stumped. What would you guys suggest?:>

  461. Ghoston 27 Aug 2010 at 10:53 am

    Ragged Boy,
    I think it might be helpful for me to understand what the over all plot is. I have read over most of what you posted, but unfortunately not of that gives me any ideas about what the character’s motivations are or what it is they are trying to accomplish. If you could, I would like to see a plot summary of your first and maybe second comic just to get an overall big picture view of your story. Sometime know that a part doesn’t work in a machine doesn’t help you understand the machine and what it does. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing that information I will understand.

  462. RBon 27 Aug 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Oh no, I have no fear of sharing my story information. I’ll work on a general summary of the first two issues and get back to you. I might be a minute because I’ve only thugh about the beginning of issue two.

    Alternatively, I’m noticing that Jimelly seems to be the confounding variable in woking out this scene. Although, I liked my overseeing idea I think I can go with Jimelly being compromised so that things fall on Adrian to stop Raxium. Maybe when Jim dodges Raxium’s attack he get a little of Raxium’s compound on himself and starts going into stasis prompting him to give Adrian the second vial.

    The reason I like the overseeing idea is because when Adrian first sees Jim and Lae talking in the lot about a project in evolution. Later on you learn that a formula was given out to given to willing humans. Jimelly, being himself, tampered with his adding, among other things, his own scientifically fortifed DNA. Over the course of the series I wanted this idea to unravel showing Jimelly’s defiance of The Conclave (the giant alien council) and Adrian’s wayward transformation. I wanted it to culminate near the end when Jimelly’s dialogue explaining what he’s observed about Adrain’s growth is set over Showtime taking on The Body (The baddie henchmen gang). A revelation is made* and while the overseeing my be odd in the beginning it all ties into my grand scheme for Jim.

    *Although Adrian’s transformation is not exactly what the Conclave had hoped for he is a successful step in their experiment showing that humans have a powerful potential that has yet to be awakened.

  463. B. Macon 27 Aug 2010 at 1:18 pm

    “A revelation is made* and while the overseeing my be odd in the beginning it all ties into my grand scheme for Jim.” Yeah, but what’s Adrian’s motivation for drinking the formula? I think it made sense when Raxium attacked–at that point, it looks like Adrian would die if he didn’t drink it, so it makes sense he’d be willing to throw caution to the wind.

    My alternative would be very similar to the original version:
    1. Raxium breaks in and Jim tries to talk. While Jim is talking, have him sneakily reach into a drawer (or some other container that will take some time) for the vial, behind his back. He’s not a dummy–he knows Rax can’t be reasoned with at the moment and is only talking to buy time for him to blindly find the vial.

    2. Raxium draws Adrian into the conversation with something like a more stylish version of “who’s that, your assistant?” Jim says something like “No” or perhaps “Not yet” as Jim is sneakily holding the vial behind his back. –> This makes Adrian more of a participant in the scene and helps readers mentally connect the vial with Adrian becoming Jim’s assistant.

    3. Jim tries to dodge but fails significantly. (I’d recommend have this be a significant failure because it’ll look more interesting than a near-miss).

    4. As Jim goes into stasis, he tosses Adrian the vial and says something like “Drink it if you want to live.” (More stylish, please).

    5. The vial misses Adrian and rolls around on the ground. There’s a mad scramble. (The closer, the more interesting–show that Adrian is impressive before he drinks it).


    6. Adrian narrowly survives to drink it.

    7. Later on (preferably significantly later), Jim reveals that he could have broken out of stasis if he had wanted to. If you reveal this right away, though, I think it’ll be confusing.

  464. Ghoston 27 Aug 2010 at 1:24 pm

    I like B. Mac’s idea, it sounds fast paced and dynamic.

  465. Ragged Boyon 27 Aug 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Hmm. I suppose it’ll work. It’s better than what I had. I’ll get to integrating. My only concern is space. I hope I can get this done in ~6 pages. Let’s find out!

  466. B. Macon 27 Aug 2010 at 4:09 pm

    “It’s better than what I had.” Well, 95% of it is what you had. It didn’t take much creativity on my part.

  467. Ragged Boyon 19 Oct 2010 at 2:57 pm

    I wanna write a short story so here’s where I began. Lemme know what you think. I’m working on introductions.

    ___________________________________________________________________________________________

    “If you falter, you will die. If you hesitate, you will die. If you’re foolish, oh boy are you dead and if you surrender-” Captain Loftus paused, stroking his unkempt, salt and pepper beard. I seized the opportunity returning to the line I was reading before he belted “You’ll be tortured so harshly you’ll probably kill yourself!” He let out a hardy chuckle that echoed through the corridor in cycles of blaring guffaws to cough-strained wheezes. I watched in revolt as his beer-inflated belly happily bounced in sync with his morbid humor. Only he wasn’t joking, years of working in the military had made death as commonplace to him as scotch and cigars.
    I didn’t have to look away from my page to know my units’ expressions: Monty was no doubt brimming with anticipation; I could hear his heavy mouth-breathing easily at this distance. Tava always stood erect, her back straight and arms folded, whether it was her position or her own sense of entitlement that fueled her confidence was a mystery to me. We had all learned early on that there is no sympathy in this organization; death was part of the job for an operative.

    “You don’t have to try to scare us, Captain.” Tava said “We’re well prepared.”

    “Scare you?!” The garish laughter continued. I braced myself only to lose my place yet again. “This is encouragement, my dear girl! Hell, maybe if you children would listen to me I wouldn’t have to bury so many of you.”

    “As encouraging as this is, Captain, we’d much rather be briefed on the task at hand. Is that possible?” I interjected before finding my place again.

    “Oh, Van has an opinion now?” Monty jumped in.

    “It’s not an opinion, you dunce. I made a statement” I retorted.

    “Statement shmatement. It sounds like yer giving the captain yer ass to kiss. Is that the case?” I felt that familiar smile being drawn across Monty’s face. I clinched my teeth tightly then released them. He only wanted me to get angry and I’m no one’s pawn. My attention started towards the page again when I heard a rush. In about a second I was staring at my bare hand in confusion. My book made a loud clap as it landed on the ground behind me. My eyes widened as a burly arm tucked itself firmly around my neck and forced me low to the ground. “Dammit!” I squeezed out before my airway was cut off. Monty, you overly-aggressive showoff I thought before the stench of alcohol assaulted my nose.

    “Is that the case, you ungrateful bookworm?” The Captain’s headlock was practically a dead sentence. Tava sighed and began sifting through the sloppy myriad of papers on the Captain’s desk looking for our mission report. I held onto what little breath I had and reached for a vial on my belt. I fiddled with the lid until it popped off then rammed the vial into the Captain’s nostril and awaited results. His grip quickly loosened and I slid out of his grasp hopping a few steps back to catch my breath. Monty’s cackles echoed through the room and in my head. I shook him off regaining my composure saying “Don’t be rash, Captain, I’m quite grateful for all The Mantle has done for me, but wasting time blathering on about nothing is not what I’m here for. I’ve read this organization’s handbook enough times to know what our mission entails. Now if we could move on with the briefing it would be much appreciated.”

    Captain Loftus dislodged the vial from his nostril and sneezed harshly a few times before reading the label ‘Industrial Strength Smelling Salts’ then chucking it down the corridor.

    “Damn kid, why in my day you got out of hold like a real ma-”

    “What! Scavaging! That’s our assignment? You can’t be serious.” Tava protested the assignment slamming the folder onto the desk. “This unit is a C-rank team and you’re sending us to do initiate work?” I bolted over to the desk to read the report myself.

    Loftus whirled around gritting his teeth “If I’m correct, and I’m damn sure I am, your unit is still technically an initiate unit and you will be assigned accordingly so mind your manners!”

    “Initiate work? I don’ do mission unless there’s gonna be some opposition to eviscerate.” Monty said. “We weren’t giving those symbol pods fer nothing were we?”

    “That’s symbiote pods and while they were made for combat adaptation we can’t lose sight of our mission objectives. I’m not having another situation like last time.” Tava said.

    “Aw, lighten up, Tava, I was just havin’ a little fun.”

    Tava slammed her fist into the desk. “I will not lighten up! You cost us the mission and you nearly overloaded your symbiote. I won’t have your bullshit on my hands.”

    “Calm down, Tava, we’re going to a quarantine zone so I’m sure Monty will get his primal fill without having to seek confrontation” I responded resting my hand on her shoulder. She pulled away quickly and headed over to the Captain.

    “When will be at mission start?” she asked. She stood tall as usual but with a slight tremble.

    “In 300 seconds.” Captain answered.

    “Thank you, sir, I’ll go boot up the activation chambers.” She gave the captain a firm salute then rushed out of the room.

    The Captain adjusted his cap with a grunt and turned to Monty and I. My smelling salts had brought him back to sobriety. I didn’t know whether this was good or bad as his temper in both states
    “Van I’m sure you’ve finished reading that report by now, brief Monty on the way to the activation chambers, and start your mission.”

    “Yes sir!” I said with a salute. Monty and I exited the Captain’s office into the long corridor. Red light poured into the metal halls almost as if blood were staining the walls and the ships engines became apparent in the form of loud groaning accompanied by subtle vibrations from the floor. The hazy sky rolled by in melancholy droves.

    “Like Tava said we’re going to be Scavaging. Our destination is an old laboratory funded by a private organization that manufactured weapons and technology for other private organizations. Our goal is to reach the database and record the archives.” I began.

    “Is that all we do is collect data? That crap gets old fast. How much data can there possibly be to collect?

    “While I’m unsure of The Mantle’s motives I do agree with their ideology that knowledge is power. I’m piqued with interest at what we could find.” Monty saw my face light up and knew my mind had already drifted off into my usual romantics. He quickly changed the subject.

    “Blah blah blah. No more egghead talk. What’s the danger rating?” He asked. Now his face had lighted up.

    I snapped back from my ponderings. “Well over what a C rank unit is authorized to handle, but that’s Mantle’s prerogative so I suppose I can’t argue.”

    “You sure as hell can’t. Not unless you want another one of the Captain’s death locks.” Monty’s signature cackle echoed through the hall and I cringed in disdain.
    ___________________________________________________________________________________________

    More to come later on… There may be some italics missing. WordPress doesn’t handled pasting well.

  468. RBon 20 Oct 2010 at 9:52 am

    Just a reminder of the above piece. Anyone is welcome to read and critique.

  469. B. Macon 20 Oct 2010 at 12:40 pm

    –Since Captain Loftus is the first character named, I assumed he was the one reading the speech at the beginning. But it’s actually the protagonist reading, right?

    –It’s not immediately clear to me what their relationship is like in the first paragraph. The MC appears to be giving them some sort of pep-talk, urging them not to surrender to the enemy. Loftus is on their side, isn’t he?

    –“I don’ do mission unless there’s gonna be some opposition to eviscerate.” Haha. I like this combination of dialect and more educated-style vocabulary (eviscerate).

    –I think it could be clearer what the symbiote pods are.

    –“I didn’t know whether this was good or bad…” I think this sentence is missing something at the end. It seems to trail off without punctuation.

    “While I’m unsure of The Mantle’s motives I do agree with their ideology that knowledge is power.” Show this.

  470. Ragged Boyon 21 Oct 2010 at 2:14 pm

    “Since Captain Loftus is the first character named, I assumed he was the one reading the speech at the beginning. But it’s actually the protagonist reading, right?”

    Hmm, I see what you mean. Loftus is giving the morbid pep-talk and the protagonist, Van, is ignoring him focusing on his reading as opposed to listening. I’ll have to go back and clear that up. Conversely, I could work on the angle that you suggested with Van reading aloud and then the Captain interjecting. Van is a bit passive in this draft, in the continued writing I’ve made him a bit more active, any suggestions for making him more active in this scene?

    Loftus is on their side, but he’s battle-hardened, and drunk, so he doesn’t really have a gentle edge at the moment.

    Within probably the next 500 words I’ve given more insight into the function of the symbiote pods. Do you still think I should expand here or is okay that it’s mentioned now and handled a little later?

    Thanks for the critique! I’m going to revise this opening for more style and conciseness so I’ll be sure to factor in your criticism.

  471. B. Macon 21 Oct 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Maybe a little bit more about the symbiote pods before we get the full explanation. For example, maybe a bit more detail about what happened when Monty overloaded his on the last mission. What do the sym pods do? Giving superpowers? (Maybe the MC rues the invention of the sym pods at one point–giving Monty superpowers is a decision that could only end in [funny doom]).

  472. Ragged Boyon 23 Oct 2010 at 6:20 am

    Exacta. The symbiote pods transform a person, fusing with them and turning them into a symbiotic warrior each with unique combat adaptations. However, it comes at two prices: 1) From the first time you sync with a symbiote you become addicted to it and being to dehumanize over time. 2) You have a limited amount of energy indicated by an energy crystal on your back, if you expend too much energy you risk self-destruction.

  473. Marquison 01 Mar 2011 at 7:05 am

    Ragged boy i made a comment about masquerade and porcelin somewhere i cant remember where.

  474. B. Macon 01 Mar 2011 at 8:02 am

    Hey, Marquis. I found your comment about Masquerade and Porcelain here. I think the easiest way to find old comments is to try our comment search engine.

    If you’re a registered user on SN (you can register for free here), you can check out our comment search engine here.

  475. Ragged Boyon 04 Apr 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Copied from Cool D’s Review Forum:

    ” As for perversion, racial discrimination and “sensual things” (sex and drugs?), I can definitely see why those would be a tough sell in a kid-friendly comic.”

    Haha. I have to find a way to portray San Libre as gritty and savage, but keep the lighthearted tone. It’s going to take a lot of suggestion and euphemisms. I also have to make sure Showtime doesn’t kill his enemies and that no one is maimed* too violently and that Jimelly’s science doesn’t get too brutal (Doesn’t get much more brutal than Raxium). The racial aspect will be a little easier to handle and I don’t plan to make it a really big issue. Adrian’s demeanor makes my point clear enough on that. Bums will drink from paper bags, drugs will be implied, and it will only be implied that Adrian’s mother works in a shady business (I won’t specify in the story). I really want to use Lace so I’ll have to deal with her sexual nature in some weird fashion. No Bomb Queen, but just a little cheesecake (I can’t help it).

    What could be a challenge is trying to sell my villain’s ‘doomsday device’. It’s called Love and it’s a mutagen that give one control over a being’s genetic stucture allowing you to control them and grant them abilities. It also brainwashes them to love unrestrained and increases their reproduction rate**. Yeah, sounds gross but I swear no orgies in the street and freak sexual assualt scenes. It’s a quick way to make a super army (I’ll emphasize this) and I like the idea of a villain who spreads love as a weapon. What do you think?

    Hmm, maybe this wasn’t the best place to put this. Sorry, Cool D.

    * I could always pull the red backdrop/black silhouette move, but I really don’t want people dying unless I’m trying to get a point across. Lots of comics are good with handling violence in an artistic or indirect manner. Spiderman comes to mind.

    **Of course, he alters its use in his Body (his personal willdoers) so that they don’t want to mate all the time.

  476. B. Macon 12 Jun 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Hello, RB. I just wanted to make sure that I had a current email address for you. Did you receive my business-related email ~a week ago?

  477. Ragged Boyon 15 Aug 2012 at 7:32 am

    I have a character here with hyperkinesis. Volition is his moniker. He has greatly augmented strength, speed, stamina, coordination, and reflexes. As a restriction his abilities are far beyond his control because of a unique vibration of his body’s natural frequency. Also, his abilities hinge on his inner state which is difficult to keep calm in most superhero-ing situations. Even while stable he requires a medium (any conductive crystal) to channel his powers and a regular meditative practice. The more equanimity he can garner the more refined control he has over his powers. Do this sound like a limitation for his superpower?

    I planned to introduce this character in a scene where he would have to break his moral code in order to rob someone or some establishment for a diamond because every other crystal he uses breaks under duress. An act that will give the hero much notoriety among the populace of this city. And this would set up his hero-vs-citizens relationship for the beginning of the story. He does all he can to protect them, but they don’t quite know if they can trust him. Does this sound promising?

    Another drawback was that without a medium or meditation anyone who touches him starts to develop hyperkinesis as well. Not permanently but for a short time after contact they have moderately enhanced physical capabilities. This is how I would level him out against earlier enemies that couldn’t get around his super durability. They just start coming up to his level until he realizes that he’s giving them power. I wanted this so that he has to deal with enemies somewhat indirectly making him less of a tank with strength and durability.

    I wanted his powers to have a lot of drawbacks to emphasize that superpowers aren’t always so ideal, like life. And that to wield them one has to have an abundance of discipline. I realize that I haven’t spoken much of his character yet. I’m still fleshing that out.

    Superpower-ed individuals already exist in the setting of the story, but very few become villains or vigilantes and they never stay as such for long. Exceedingly dangerous hobby with little benefits whether good or evil. The protagonist doesn’t legitimately want to be a hero; he just feels responsible for the event that incites the major conflict and tires to rectify it. I am fond of didactic stories so I want this idea to hinge on responsibility (without being too much like Spiderman)

    Any ideas about this? I’m not sure if I want to write this character into some type of short story or a comic book yet.

  478. Anonymouson 22 Dec 2012 at 7:32 pm

    Wait, are you now working on the story with Masquerade? My new novel is rather similar to that, with spokesheroes and amale model protagonist. Would you mind giving me a plot summary of that book so I can change mine? Thanks.

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