Nov 28 2007
An In-Depth Forum for Brett’s Work
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Alexander Tafari had to be very careful around his neighbors. He had to be careful because half-elves were not well liked by humans. Alex was of ordinary height and his brown skin was forgettable, but he was nevertheless marked. His ears were pointed, and his curly black hair had a slight red sheen. If his ears raised suspicion, having an odd hair color removed any doubt.
Mora, Alex’s hometown, was a city of gates. When Alex passed these gates, he was greeted, or not greeted rather, in different ways. When he passed the gate to Mora’s wealthy community, he received glares of contempt. When he passed the gate of the poor, he often met fearful eyes, if anyone was brave enough to come out and look at him at all. But the poor children seemed to regard him as a curiosity and an amusement. Alex smiled at them and sometimes tossed them an apple or a piece of candy.
–I’m still not sure about the smoothness here, but OK. Moving on…
In the marketplace the sea of people parted before Alex, and he could move through the crowd fairly easily. The good townspeople wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of a half-elf would die, and painfully. Also, they weren’t drunk enough to make an attempt at stoning. The cabbage merchant glared at him from the corner of his eyes, though never daring direct eye contact. He was watching him closely, as if he expected something worse than robbery. He put on a tough face, but his body reeked of fear.
–I’d recommend a comma after marketplace.
–It may be possible to replace “he could move through the crowd fairly easily” by using a verb that implies how easily he moved through the crowd. For example, what would you think about “he cut through the crowd”?
“I don’t sell to the likes of you.” His voice trembled.
“That’s just too bad,” Alex said with a sigh, slowly approaching. “Well, if you’re smart, you will sell to me, or you might not sell to anyone else.” Alex gave the man a left-sided smirk.
“Look, I said I don’t sell to your kind. Now just leave me alone or–”
“Or what?”
The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. “I’ll call the guards. They’ll know how to deal with your kind.”
It wasn’t an idle threat. Alex had been in altercations with the town guards before, such as the instance when he had been falsely accused of putting a curse on Farmer Dunkel’s wheat. The arrest attempt did not end well. Today, Alex had noticed some of same guards shadowing him from a distance, or stiffening when he came near. He really didn’t want a repeat of the wheat crop incident.
–”The arrest attempt did not end well.” This is a bit vague. I think that we’d be better off if we knew what sort of parameters were limiting Alex in this town. What would you think about throwing in a reference to the Knights here?
–”Alex had been in altercations…” is a bit passive. What would you think about “Last year, the guards roughed him up after he had been falsely accused of cursing Farmer Dunkel’s wheat”?
“Really, is that so?” Alex bent down and scooped a handful of dust from the street. He then locked eyes with the man, letting the sand slip through his fingers. “I seem to recall the last merchant who wouldn’t sell to ‘my kind’ disintegrated into a thousand tiny pieces. A half-elf without cabbage is a half-elf without patience, and an impatient half-elf is bound to make your other potential customers really nervous. They just might, I don’t know, leave. And who could blame them.” It wouldn’t be the first time this tactic had worked.
Sweat poured down the merchant’s face as his eyes darted back and forth in frustration. Not so much because of the threat, but because he couldn’t afford to lose customers. “You can’t threaten me, boy. I’ll call the guards! You know how many of you have tried this little stunt? I’ll have you arrested!”
“Call them, call them now! They’re useless!” Alex pulled out a knife and cut across his left palm, allowing the blood to flow down his hand and drip onto the counter of merchant’s booth. “Watch this,” he said. After a few seconds the blood flow stopped and the cut healed, leaving no trace. Alex smiled. It was time to stretch the truth.
–Explaining why his blood stops flowing in 5-10 words may help.
“Last time, I regrew both arms and a leg before the guards gave up,” he said. Truthfully, after the wheat crop incident, he had been too busy running to do anything of the sort, even if he could have. “And that’s not all.”
–I like “he had been too busy running to do anything of the sort, even if he could have.” I think that stylishly introduces us to the character and his powers, and also clarifies that he’s bluffing here.
Alex set his knife on the counter and covered it with a scrap of cloth that he carried for just such occasions. He waved his hands over the veiled knife, speaking some indiscernible words in Duenda, the elven tongue. He then slammed his fist on top of it. When Alex removed the cloth, there was nothing on the counter except dust. It was an old illusion his father had taught him. Alex then waved the cloth before the merchant’s face, and produced the knife in his hand with a flourish.
“I can use my power to destroy weapons far larger than this knife. I can also produce them out of thin air. These are only a small sample of my abilities. I don’t think you want to see more.” When bluffing didn’t work, sleight of hand usually did.
The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! T-take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” The man swore viciously under his breath, but Alex only caught one word, “Halfling!”
Alex collected what he wanted and left, convulsing. The familiar, ever-present scourge: halfling. But that was what Alex was, fathered by a human, born of an elven mother. A child of two worlds, citizen of none.
Once his anger dissipated, Alex wondered for a moment whether or not he should have felt guilty for bullying the cabbage merchant. He immediately dismissed the idea. Guilt was out of the question.
Humans had a reason to be suspicious of half-elves. The half-elven, in fact, half-anythings, were notorious for exhibiting powers believed to be beyond their control. Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were all as volatile as blasting oil, just waiting to destroy everything in sight. Then he remembered that not all people were like that. He shrugged. Maybe not all of them, but enough to justify my tactics. But then he thought, Would Father approve?
–Depending on his relationship with his father and his maturity, “would Father approve?” might work. What would you think about a slightly younger-sounding expression like “what would Dad say?” (Alternatively, you could replace say with do, if his dad is more of a role model than a judge).
If anyone talked about Alex’s father, Xavier, it was behind closed doors with hushed tones. Xavier never spoke threats, he only gave warnings, and those never in vain. He was quite highly regarded, despite having married an elf. He also was known for being short on patience and long on retribution. Like father, like son. Well, except that Alex was a bluffer when necessary.
–I’d recommend replacing the phrase “was a bluffer” with “bluffed.”
The humans of Mora prided themselves on their normality, and to them, having an oddity like Alex around was a scourge on their very way of life. To them, Mora was supposed to be a charming town on the banks of the Nuba River, where the beautiful landscape was already tinged with the beginning of the harvest season. The green trees began to turn shades of gold, red, and orange in the month of August, dropping their leaves on the rolling hills. A fiery harbinger of the fruits of nature to come. A place where the people were friendly, welcomed you to visit, and encouraged you to return. The presence of a halfling destroyed this image. They feared him, they hated him, and once a mob even got up the courage to attempt to stone him. Oh, Mora was charming alright. Charming like a wolverine.
As he walked, crunching the fall leaves and kicking at a rock in his path, Alex saw a girl out of the corner of his eye. He instantly recognized her, and walked faster. Karen. She saw him and walked in his direction. Alex had failed to avoid her. I really don’t want to deal with her right now, Alex thought. Karen was his cousin, but she was also very skilled at irritating him. Alex could not tolerate her.
–”I really don’t want to deal with her right now.” I’d recommend having this get narrated as something like “He really didn’t want to deal with her right now.”
Everyone liked Karen, though she was also half-elven. Maybe it was something about her long, straight silvery-white hair. Maybe it was her musical voice. The humans were always talking about how wonderful she was. But Alex knew the truth. To him, Karen was nothing but deviousness and trickery. They had been rivals as long as Alex could remember.
–I like this description of her silvery hair and voice. “The humans” is also an excellent phrase that, I think, makes Alex feel realistic. Ironically, I think that makes me like him more even though he’s using a slightly chilly expression to refer to humans as a whole. (It’s not as nasty as “your kind,” though, so I don’t think we’ll think of him as a human-hater).
The battle for supremacy would have to wait. Right now, all Alex wanted was to get the groceries home intact. If Karen made him angry again, that would be nearly impossible.
“Hey, Alex!” Karen shouted.
Alex pretended that he could not hear her over the commotion in the street and walked faster. He took refuge among the braying donkeys, bleating sheep, and lowing oxen. He sought sanction among the noise of carts and hagglers. He thought to disguise himself among the masses. All the while he pictured the blue sandstone house where he lived, his destination. He would not let anything distract him, not even Karen. He moved quickly, so that no one could make out his half-elven features.
–”He thought to disguise himself…” I’d recommend replacing this with an action (what he does to disguise himself) and something to show us how much it annoys him that he has to disguise himself, but he would do anything to best Karen, etc.
Karen would not be denied. “Alex! Yes, I’m talking to you, horntoad!”
Alex growled to himself through clenched teeth. He would deal with Karen later. He made a sharp turn and ran towards the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd. Who could pick out one fourteen-year-old boy among the hundreds who gathered in the square? Certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl. Alex plunged into the crowd, taking several twists and turns he was sure would disorient his adversary. After this, he emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.
“Nice try, Alex. Next time you want to hide in a crowd, be sure to find a large group of people who have pointed ears and red-black hair,” Karen said with a smug look on her face. “If you weren’t so brazen and stubborn, you might learn to wear a hood.”
Alex narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on the groceries. He had been forced to engage his adversary. “How did you catch up to me?”
“You’re not the only one with elven blood. I’m just as fast as you are, even faster. There’s no way in the heavens that you could have escaped me.”
Alex swallowed a hostile statement and furrowed his brow in the sheer effort it took for him to keep his composure. “What do you want Karen? As you can see, I have groceries to deliver.”
–comma in between “want Karen”, I think.
Just then, a burly man with a scraggly beard swaggered over. He brandished a sword at Alex. “Miss, is this ‘ere ‘alflin’ botherin’ you?”
–The phrase “just then” may be unnecessary. What do you think?
Then Alex realized that Karen hid her ears under her long hair. She looked like a human. A platinum blonde human.
“No. He couldn’t threaten me on his best day. If he tries, they’ll have nothing but a corpse for the hanging.”
The man walked away, laughing. Alex fumed. “Karen, I’m going to–”
“To what? In case you’ve forgotten, attacking a human is a hanging crime, halfling.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re not one of them.” Alex dropped the groceries and lunged toward Karen, knocking her to the ground. “I have had it up to here with you, ‘cousin’! When I finish, all of Aunt Kayla’s medicine won’t be able to heal your wounds.” Alex had Karen pinned. He looked into her eyes as she realized that she was trapped. There was only one way she could win, and he was forcing her to take it. “Do it,” he whispered. “Do it now, in full view of everyone here. Do it so they will all know the truth.” Alex could see sweat gathering on her forehead. “Or are you too scared of being branded a half-elf, like me.” He had her.
–I think your rewrite of this paragraph is quite good. I like it a lot.
–If there are people in this scene, I would recommend having them walk around as the kids are sparring. It’s just a regular day in Mora, I suppose. (Then they freak out when the kids start letting lose the lightning and fire).
“Lumis,” she whispered. Immediately a bolt of light shot out from her body, driving Alex to the ground several feet away.
Alex was sore, but he smiled. He had gotten exactly the reaction he had wanted. Now she is exposed for what she truly is. Unfortunately, that blast was only half of her full power, he thought. As he stood to challenge Karen, he assumed the wolf fighting stance and whispered, “Vaichar ”. Balls of fire engulfed his hands as he assumed a fighting stance. “Ladies first,” he called.
–I think that “he had gotten the reaction he had wanted. Now she is exposed for what she truly is” is a bit redundant with the paragraph where he has her pinned. I think it’s sufficient that he smiles when she blasts him. It may help to focus on the bystanders here. As soon as things go crazy here, I’d recommend having people run for their lives, etc. If people are afraid of half-elves, this is probably your best chance to show that.
Karen flipped her hair out of her face and fired another light beam towards Alex. He dodged the blow, inadvertently causing a nearby fruit stand to explode.
So much for the groceries, Alex thought. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid, but he found himself enjoying it anyway. He would win this time. Even if he didn’t, no one would ever mistake Karen for a human after today. He tossed a flaming watermelon while dodging another light beam, all the while edging closer. He weaved towards Karen, tossing burning fruit as he ran. Once he got close enough, he threw a punch. Karen blocked it and returned a blow. As they fought, Alex’s attacks were quick and savage, while Karen’s attacks were strong and deliberate.
Soon they were in a deadlock. Karen threw Alex back and looked up to discover that they both were surrounded by guards. “Halt! Hands above your head. Now.”
–If you italicize so much for the groceries, I think the pacing of the sentence would be a bit better if you removed “Alex thought.”
–”This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid” is not completely consistent with him goading her into revealing what she was, but OK.
The kids swiftly complied. Alex was nervous, and from the look of it, so was Karen. They could die at any moment. {In retrospect, not a great idea. How am I going to get out of this one?} This time, bluffing was not an option. “Is there a problem, officers?” Alex snapped in a low voice.
–”How am I going to get out this one?“ You could probably turn this into an action by having him look for possible escapes and finding none.
A soldier walked forward and knocked Alex to the ground with the butt of his spear, holding him down with his foot. Another walked over to Karen and punched her. As soon as he made contact, a pulse of light sent him to the ground. Alex turned his head to see Karen standing in a trancelike state with glowing eyes and hair. She then emitted another, brighter pulse, blinding the guards. Alex then saw her drop, unconscious.
Throwing off his blind would-be captor, Alex rushed over to Karen. He didn’t like her, in fact at times he hated her, but he would have to explain everything when he got home, and it sure would help if she was alive. {She has a pulse.} Alex breathed a sigh of relief. But his relief was short lived. Now, not the regular city guard, but the Royal Guard had arrived. They carried broader shields, longer spears, and even their horses wore armor. If that wasn’t enough, Alex spotted a wicked assortment of maces, flails, swords, javelins, crossbows, and throwing blades. Great. Just great. I’m tired, I failed to get the groceries home, my cousin is unconscious, and now I have to fight Princepia’s finest! As he knelt there, a small voice in the back of his head suggested that he surrender, but his willfulness crowded it out. If he fought, he couldn’t win, but at least he might escape, and any chance was looking good right now.
–I’d recommend taking out the italicized phrase here. It’s already pretty self-explanatory that he’s having a bad day, and I think that the detail about fighting Princepia’s finest may mislead readers about what is about to happen.
The captain rode forward on his mount. He asked a nearby man, “Is this the one?”
The man shouted, “That’s him, cap’n. He threatened to kill me, so he did. Watch him, he can vaporize your men, and pull weapons from the thin air!”
Alex was now regretting his run-in with the cabbage merchant.
The soldiers, captain included, laughed at the latter accusation. “Halfling child, by the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human…”
Guilty, Alex thought.
“Disturbing the peace…”
Guilty, Alex thought.
“And committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery.”
At this, Alex snapped to attention. “What the heck? I’m no sorcerer!”
–This may confuse readers. His fire-based powers would probably seem more like magic/sorcery to readers than anything else at this point. If there’s an important difference between what he just did and sorcery, I’d recommend having him respond indignantly with something like “I’m a half-elf, not a sorcerer.”
“Surrender now, or face His Majesty’s wrath.”
“Um, somehow I think I’ll face His Majesty’s wrath even if I do surrender. I’d rather take my chances.” Alex wiped away a bead of sweat. He fought to keep his voice steady despite his violently throbbing heart.
“So be it.” The captain turned, motioning to his men. He said coldly, “Kill them.” Thirty spears were now leveled at Alex and his cousin, who was beginning to awaken.
“Wait, Captain,” his lieutenant whispered. “These half-elf children are surely Telessars. If we slaughter them now, the Knights will see it as an act of war, a direct threat and an intrusion on their jurisdiction.”
“Lieutenant Grader, the Knights have no jurisdiction. They operate outside the laws of man…and nature!”
“Perhaps Captain, but they do have His Majesty’s sanction to operate within his realms. If we violate such a sacred trust we may not only incur the wrath of the Knights, but the King himself! Let us wait, and allow the Knights to punish these urchins. Or better yet, hold them in prison. The Knights will surely come for them, and then we may charge them, and the Knights as well, with treason, threatening His Majesty’s sovereignty, jailbreaking, and whatever else you like, sir. It would be prudent.”
–I like this paragraph a lot better. The phrase “whatever else you like” does a great job of characterizing the captain, the legal system and the charges brought against the kids.
“Hmmm. You make an excellent point, Lieutenant Grader. Very well. Men, take the prisoners to the Watchtower of Nezar.”
A royal guardsman prodded Alex with the butt of his spear. “Come on then. Move it!” Both Alex and Karen were shackled and led away by armed guards.
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ARCHIVED BRETT REVIEWS
Brett Review 1 (Archived on Dec 1 2008)
What does “hi” mean?
Also, I’m going to have Alex pull another trick to explain why the merchant doesn’t call the guards. And don’t worry, Alex doesn’t get away with his threats. There is no “get out of jail free” card. Time for another revision.
And what do you mean by clinical? And how do you give the narrator personality? The narrator is, well, me basically. It’s how I talk. I should probably change it, but I don’t want something like A Series of Unfortunate Events. A narration style that intrusive would not work for me. I wouldn’t know when to quit.
Thoughts?
A Lemony Snicket-style narrator is one example of a stylized narrator, but that’s very hard to pull off (and, as you know, very vulnerable to authorial excesses). So let’s leave that off the table. It might be more effective for the narrator to back off a little bit and let the characters/scenes tell the story as much as possible. I felt that the story tended to stall when the narrator got 2+ paragraphs of his own to explain back-story and world mechanics.
As for the story’s potential. I think this story is clearly publishable-within-a-few-rewrites. When I find stories with no potential that probably would not benefit much from further rewrites, I advise their authors to cut their losses. This piece obviously has much more going for it.
Also, I keep visualizing this as if it were a movie (in my head). Is that a problem? It is hurting my writing? I’m sorry, but I thought I was a good writer and honestly expected better from myself.
: (
Visualizing this as a movie is not a problem, but there are points when you may want to add details that would not be present in a movie.
–Movies can only use sight/sound sensory details, but books can use touch/taste/impact.
–The narrator is typically more of a presence in a book than the camera is in a movie. For example, movies often tell a story purely in terms of the here-and-now, like this. “The turkey tried to run. The tiger gave chase. He ate him.” Many narrators make observations that aren’t strictly relevant to what’s immediately happening in the story. For example, a particularly intrusive narrator like Lemony might add something like (“He” being the tiger, of course. Turkeys typically do not eat tigers). A less intrusive narrator might weave in a detail that suggests how we are supposed to interpret the scene. For example, “Gunshots cracked in the distance.” That’s foreshadowing. The tiger may be on top of the food chain now, but what will happen when he meets humans? Alternately, the narrator might use emotionally loaded words to suggest how we are supposed to interpret the act of him attacking the turkey. Was it majestic, savage, skillful, all of the above?
–Movie action scenes typically have many characters. B. Mac recommends against having more than 4 in a novel’s action scene. That sounds prudent. The plus side is that a novel’s cast can typically be larger. Most action movies have 1-2 main heroes and 1 main villain that are not very well-characterized.
–Mental details. A lot of stories get too close to the characters’ thoughts, so I don’t want to overemphasize this.
–Including scenery is typically a more conscious choice for a book than a movie. The movie HAS to include a set, so at the very least viewers will see a set that somehow reflects the mood. In contrast, an author doesn’t have to include scenery. When an author forgets to do so, it feels like the scene is happening in an empty vacuum.
I’m going for Alex as aggressive and commanding. He has two younger brothers who obey him without question and he regularly does battle with his cousins. Also, he’s not the “lay down and take it” type. He’s more the “eye for an eye” type (vengeful). He also knows how people think, and he’s a great intimidator. Think Batman here. Then later when we introduce the love interest, he’ll soften up, get his heart broken, and then go into a fit of depression that he won’t fully recover from until later.
Workable?
“aggressive and commanding.” Hmm. That’s an unusual set of traits for a main character. Then, for dramatic reasons, I would recommend dealing with the consequences of his aggressiveness more in-depth. The problem is that you’d probably have to be careful about the blurry line between consequences that are actually merited and consequences that are unfairly harsh (which lead to Mary Sue-like whining). But, by definition, pretty much everything the humans do to the half-elves is unfair because the story establishes early on that 99% of humans hate half-elves.
One way you might be able to give him consequences for it is to have the guards bring him to jail and then have Xavier come to bail him out. I think the resulting conversation has a lot of potential. (X: What the hell were you thinking? A: They wouldn’t sell me the cabbage. And they put me in jail. X: Because you threatened to kill a man. A: Because he wouldn’t sell me the cabbage!) I think that the consequences will induce less angst if the father endorses or administers them. The reader will respect him as a fair, mature arbiter, so if he thinks the punishment is fair then readers will pick up the cue that they’re supposed to think of the punishment as reasonable. (That would also help introduce the father to us in a way that’s immediately relevant to Alex’s story).
This would also give us the potential for character growth even beyond the love arc. Alex strikes me as a bit, umm, immature. (The threatening, the stereotyping of humans, etc.) Over the course of the story, he might grow into understanding that there are just things you don’t do (ie threatening a man’s life if he wouldn’t sell you produce). As long as there are negative consequences for his transgressions, I think that it’d be workable for him to be aggressive and confident.
Also, I’d recommend giving him a venue where readers might feel that intimidation is more called-for. If the objective is only getting the vendor to sell him cabbage, that’s not so serious. If, on the other hand, it were more like he needed a human doctor to sell him medicine to treat someone else, then I think that threats would feel more justified and altruistic.
His age is still bothering me a little bit. If he’s supposed to be an aggressive 14-year-old, then I think it sounds slightly implausible that he’d be very scary when the guards were nearby. I mean, when you’re older than 25, do you think you’ll be afraid of a junior high student? Unless he has Ebola, probably not. On the other hand, a half-elf might be a special case. You could probably demonstrate that even the guards are slightly scared of him, but my concern about that approach is that he’d probably come off as a Mary Sue. Hmm.
Hey don’t be down, wear your crown, turn that frown upside down. I think you’re an excellent writer, especially compared to me. *Punches in the face* Don’t you doubt yourself or I’ll carve a smile onto your face. *Gives a friendly hetero-hug* I think you have to understand that these guys don’t represent the average reader, they are meant to critique every facet of your work so that it can be the best that it can be. *Kicks in the nuts* there’s an article about how books that are written so that they can later become moves are off putting, they say the books are too eager to jump off the page, fortunately, I don’t get that vibe from this piece, unfortunately, I get weird vibes hahahaha.
Whenever you’re ready for the battle Adrian is waiting.
Hmm. In retrospect, Mora doesn’t have any “characteristics”. I thought of it only as a location, and at that, one we won’t see for very long. It seemed perfectly rational at the time.
Some things seem impossible to “show”. Could you perhaps make a suggestion?
Well when you say “he suppressed his anger” you could “show” this by Alex clinching his fist and gritting his teeth or by having him try to walk off on Karen while clinching his fist and gritting his teeth.
Haha Ragged Boy. Ready when you are.
“Now I see the funny side. Now, I’m always smiling.”
-TDK Joker
Or when you say “he fought to keep his composure” you could show this by having him loosen his grip from his groceries, leaning forward about to pounce on Karen but then stopping and regaining himself.
Wherever you want it? Here, List of Superpowers, Writing Sizzling Fight Scenes, You name the location.
Oh, “hi” was a formatting trick to space out lines. I meant to take them out but I left a few. Also, it’s definitely not that you’re a bad writer. I’m just a compulsive nitpicker.
In this instance, your compulsive nitpicking is actually very helpful.
Hey, Brett! I hope Davis doesn’t have you down.
If the town doesn’t matter very much, it might be useful to leave its characterization at a single powerful detail. For example, maybe the main thing we’re supposed to take away from the town is that it’s segregated. (That seems effective, given that the humans don’t seem to like meeting non-humans very much). There are human parts of town, and maybe elves have a few of their own, but half-elves are probably too rare to have one.
How could you remind us that the town is segregated without actually saying that explicitly? One recurring symbol could be gates and barriers. You pass a gate to get into the market, another to get into from one neighborhood to the next…
I think that the gates will suggest to readers that the barriers between humans and half-elves are sort of artificial and ugly. And, if you’d like to be a bit more morally complex, you could have the elven community have a gate of its own.
What do you think?
RB said:
I like those. You could also have him start to say “You are such a bitch” to Karen and then correct himself. “Karen, you are such a bitc–… a bit… a bitter person!”
. That idea might be a bit hard to work in practice, though.
Aha! Suppose I took some of the Narrator’s lines and reworked them as Alex’s internal thoughts (cutting as necessary)? I think that might help the overbearing narration.
Your thoughts?
That could help. I think it would also help if the details that came from the narrator or Alex’s monologue were either 1) directly related to what is happening now in the story or 2) supposed to help us understand what is going on in the story (like foreshadowing and interjections). Some of the backstory seems relevant to what will happen in the story, but might be a bit removed from what is happening in the story. (Mainly, so far, the paragraph about Xavier and possibly the one about Mora).
So far, it’s coming along pretty well. I’d like to stress that you shouldn’t let Davis get you down.
Ooh, also. If you use monologuing intensively, please try not to use monologuing to “tell” us what Alex is thinking. I am angry is not very evocative because it’s just the character telling us how angry it is. I hope that helps. Sometimes monologues get intrusive. Intrusiveness is a very elusive concept for me. I wish I could offer more a more systematic way to determine how far away the story should situate the perspective character from the reader.
Here’s the re-write, with some additions that I believe will be helpful. First, I added a bit more to the cabbage merchant scene. Second, I wrote out his fight with Karen and gave consequences for his actions (In a way I hope is funny). Third, I characterized Mora better. Finally, as a bonus, I managed to introduce the Knights without it seeming intrusive/boring/etc. *crosses fingers* The result lies below.
Thoughts?
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Alexander Tafari had to be very careful around his neighbors. He had to be careful because “his kind” was not well liked by humans. He was of ordinary height, his brown skin and black hair were forgettable, but he was nevertheless marked. Alex’s ears were pointed, and his curly black hair had a slight red sheen. If his ears raised suspicion, having an odd hair color was the judicial hammer of certainty. As Alex walked the streets of Mora, his hometown, he encountered a variety of reactions. When he passed the gate to Mora’s wealthy community, he received glares and sneers of contempt. When he passed the gate of the poor neighborhood, he met fearful eyes and cowering wretches, if anyone was brave enough to come out and look at him in the first place. In summary, two reactions: fear and hatred of, as they put it, “his kind”.
Alex could move through the crowd in the marketplace fairly easily. Maybe the good townspeople wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of him would die, and painfully. Or maybe they were too tired from work to make the usual attempt at stoning. The cabbage merchant glared at him from the corner of his eyes, though never daring direct eye contact. He was watching him closely, as if he expected robbery or worse. He put on a tough face, but his body reeked of fear.
“I don’t sell to the likes of you.” His voice trembled.
“Are you serious?” Alex said, slowly approaching. “Well, if you’re smart, you will sell to me, or you might not sell to anyone else.” Alex gave the man a left-sided smirk.
“Look, I said I don’t sell to your kind. Now just leave me alone or–”
“Or what?”
The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. “I’ll call the guards. They’ll know how to deal with…your kind.
This was no idle threat. Alex had been in…ahem…altercations with the town guards before, and today had noticed some of them shadowing him from a distance, or stiffening when he came near.
“Really, is that so?” Alex bent down and scooped a handful of dust from the street. He then locked eyes with the man, letting the sand slip through his fingers. “Remember what happened to the last merchant who wouldn’t sell to ‘my kind’? I seem to recall he disintegrated into a thousand. Tiny. Pieces. So, how about that cabbage? Because something tells me your other prospective customers are getting really nervous. They just might, I don’t know, leave. And who could blame them.” This tactic had worked before, and it seemed to be working again.
Sweat poured down the merchant’s face as his eyes darted back and forth in frustration. “You can’t threaten me boy! I’ll call the guards!”
“Your guards do not intimidate me human. I can blot out the sun if I wish. What can they do against that?” Alex realized now that he was in deep. The merchant was eying him with smug disbelief. It seemed he was about to call the bluff. Alex looked nervously at the sky. There was supposed to be an eclipse today, any minute now. He could only hope that the merchant was not familiar with astronomy. This had better work. “Behold human!” Alex winced at his own melodrama. The sun darkened. Alex had timed his words perfectly with the eclipse.
The merchant was scared stiff, but Alex knew he only had sixty seconds to get the cabbage before the sun came out.
“Give me the cabbage now, and the sun will shine again.”
The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! T-take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” The man swore viciously under his breath, but Alex only caught one word, “Halfling!”
Alex collected what he wanted and left, convulsing. The familiar, ever-present scourge: halfling. But that was what Alex was, fathered by a human, born of an elven mother. A child of two worlds, citizen of none.
Once his anger dissipated, Alex debated himself about whether or not to feel guilty for bullying the cabbage merchant. What kind of a world was it where he had to threaten a man with death for cabbage? An unjust one, he decided. I have to do what I can to get what I need. No one’s going to hand it to me. My actions were perfectly logical. It was settled then. Guilt was out of the question. But even so, humans had a reason to be suspicious of half-elves. The half-elven, in fact, half-anythings, were notorious for exhibiting powers believed to be beyond their control. Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were all as volatile as blasting oil, just waiting to destroy everything in sight. Then he remembered that not all people were like that. He shrugged. Maybe not all of them, but enough to justify my tactics. But then he thought, Would Father approve?
If anyone talked about Alex’s father, Xavier, it was behind closed doors with hushed tones. Xavier was a noble man of proud ancestry, with blue eyes that could pierce the soul of a hardened criminal, short, curly black hair with a few silver strands near the temples, and a presence that could silence a rabid dog. His senses were uncanny, and he had never spoken an idle threat. He was quite reputable, despite having married an elf. He also had a reputation for being short on patience and long on retribution. Alex had learned much from him. Like father, like son. Well, except that Alex was much more prone to bluffing.
Alex had learned that humans would be perfectly accepting of an elf, and such an elf could even go out in public with a human. He had also learned that these rules did not quite apply if they were married. There seemed to be an unspoken pact among the races that any cross-cultural couple was to be looked down upon, and their offspring were to be despised. Not just half-elves, but half-dwarves and half-giants as well. It seemed to Alex that pureblooded parents were given more leniency than their halfling children because if they did have powers, they could control them. Popular belief dictated that halflings could not.
Mora was a charming town, not a small hamlet, but by no means a city as large as the capital. It sat on the banks of the Nuba River, where the landscape was already tinged with the beginning of the harvest season. Alex watched as the green trees began to turn shades of gold, red, and orange in the month of August, dropping their leaves on the rolling hills. A fiery harbinger of the fruits of nature to come. The people were generally friendly, except to halflings of course, even if they were fond of the odd stoning.
Alex started on his way home. His mother would not let him drive the cart, so he had to carry everything himself. Alex scowled at the groceries, as if their inability to walk was the source of his troubles. “Maybe I should just throw everything onto the street and be done with it all,” he whispered to himself. He decided against it.
As he walked, crunching the fall leaves and kicking at a rock in his path, Alex saw a girl out of the corner of his eye. He instantly recognized her, and walked faster. Karen. She saw him and walked in his direction. Alex had failed to avoid her. I really don’t want to deal with her right now, Alex thought. Karen was his cousin, but she was also very skilled at irritating him. Alex could not tolerate her.
Everyone liked Karen, though she was also half-elven. Maybe it was something about her long, straight silvery-white hair. Maybe it was her musical voice. He was always hearing talk about how wonderful she was. But Alex knew the truth. To him, Karen was nothing but deviousness and trickery. They had been rivals as long as Alex could remember.
The battle for supremacy would have to wait. Right now, all Alex wanted was to get the groceries home intact. If Karen made him angry again, that would be nearly impossible.
“Hey, Alex!” Karen shouted.
Alex pretended that he could not hear her over the commotion in the street and walked faster. He took refuge among the braying donkeys, bleating sheep, and lowing oxen. He sought sanction among the noise of carts and hagglers. He thought to disguise himself among the masses. All the while he pictured the blue sandstone house where he lived, his destination. He would not let anything distract him, not even Karen. He moved quickly, so that no one could make out his half-elven features.
Karen would not be denied. “Alex! Yes, I’m talking to you, horntoad!”
Alex growled to himself through clenched teeth. He would deal with Karen later. He made a sharp turn and ran towards the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd. Who could pick out one fourteen-year-old boy among the hundreds of people who gathered in the square? Certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl. Alex plunged into the crowd, taking several twists and turns he was sure would disorient his adversary. After this, emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.
“Nice try Alex. Next time you want to hide in a crowd, be sure to find a large group of people who have pointed ears and red-black hair,” Karen said with a smug look on her face. “If you weren’t so brazenly stubborn, you might learn to weak a hood.”
Alex narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on the groceries. He had been forced to engage his adversary. “How did you catch up to me?”
“You’re not the only one with elven blood. I’m just as fast as you are, even faster. There’s no way in the heavens that you could have escaped me.”
Alex swallowed a hostile statement and furrowed his brow in the sheer effort it took for him to keep his composure. “Well, now that you’ve caught me, what do you want? As you can see, I have groceries to deliver.”
Just then, a burly man with a scraggly beard swaggered over. He brandished a sword at Alex. “Miss, is this ‘ere ‘alflin’ botherin’ you?”
T Alex realized that Karen hid her ears under her long hair. Most people believed she was human.
“No. He couldn’t threaten me on his best day. If he tries, they’ll have nothing but a corpse for the hanging.”
The man walked away, laughing. Alex fumed. “Karen, I’m going to–”
“To what? In case you’ve forgotten, attacking a human is a hanging crime, halfling.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re not one of them.” Alex dropped the groceries and lunged toward Karen, knocking her to the ground. “I have had it up to here with you, ‘cousin’! When I finish, all of Aunt Kayla’s elven medicine won’t be able to heal your wounds.” Alex had Karen pinned. He looked into her eyes as she realized that she was trapped. There was only one way she could win, and he was forcing her to take it.
“Lumis,” she whispered. Immediately a bolt of light emanated from her body, driving Alex to the ground several feet away.
Alex was sore, but he smiled. He had gotten exactly the reaction he had wanted. Now she is exposed for what she truly is. Unfortunately, that blast was only half of her full power, he thought. As he stood to challenge Karen, he whispered, “Vaichar”. Balls of fire engulfed his hands as he assumed a fighting stance. He called to Karen, “Ladies first.”
Karen flipped her hair out of her face and fired another light beam towards Alex. He dodged the blow, inadvertently causing the explosion of a nearby fruit stand.
So much for the groceries, Alex thought. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid, but he found himself enjoying it anyway. He would win this time. Even if he didn’t, no one would ever mistake Karen for a human after today. He tossed a flaming watermelon while dodging another light beam. I have to get in closer. Alex weaved towards Karen, tossing burning fruit as he ran. Once he got close enough, he threw a punch. Karen blocked it and returned a blow. As they fought, Alex’s attacks were quick and savage, while Karen’s attacks were strong and deliberate.
Eventually they ended up in a deadlock. Karen threw Alex back and looked up to discover that they both were surrounded by guards. “Halt! Hands above your head. Now.”
The kids swiftly complied. Alex was nervous, and from the look of it, so was Karen. They could die at any moment. In retrospect, not a great idea. How am I going to get out of this one? This time, bluffing was not an option. “Is there a problem, officers?” Alex asked.
A soldier walked forward and knocked Alex to the ground with the butt of his spear, holding him down with his foot. Another walked over to Karen and punched her. As soon as he made contact, a pulse of light sent him to the ground. Alex turned his head to see Karen standing in a trancelike state with glowing eyes and hair. She then emitted another, brighter pulse, blinding all of the guards. Alex then saw her drop, unconscious.
Throwing off his blind would-be captor, Alex rushed over to Karen. He didn’t like her, in fact at times he hated her, but they were still family. More importantly, he would have to explain everything when he got home, and it sure would help if she was alive. She has a pulse. Alex breathed a sigh of relief. But his relief was short lived. A bystander had seen the entire incident and had called, not the regular city guard, but the Royal Guard. Great. Just great. I’m tired, I failed to get the groceries home, my cousin is unconscious, and now I have to fight Princepia’s finest! Could this get any worse? A small voice in the back of his head suggested that he surrender, but his will to live crowded it out.
Surrender would mean certain death. If he fought, he couldn’t win, but at least he might escape, and any chance was looking good right now.
The captain rode forward on his mount. He asked a nearby man, “Is this the one?”
The man shouted, “That’s him cap’n. He threatened to kill me, so he did. And he put out the sun too!”
Alex was now regretting his run-in with the cabbage merchant.
The captain appeared to disbelieve the latter accusation. He was probably knowledgeable of astronomy. “Halfling child, by the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human, disturbing the peace, and committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery. How do you plead?”
“Guilty, guilty, and…what the heck? I’m no sorcerer!”
“Surrender now, or face His Majesty’s wrath.”
“Um, somehow I think I’ll face His Majesty’s wrath even if I do surrender. I’d rather take my chances.”
Alex wiped away a bead of sweat. He fought to keep his voice steady despite his violently throbbing heart.
“So be it.” The captain turned, motioning to his men. He said coldly, “Kill them.” Thirty spears were now leveled at Alex and his cousin, who was beginning to awake.
“Wait Captain,” the lieutenant whispered. “You saw the power they possess. If we slaughter these two halfling children now, the Knights will see it as a direct threat and an intrusion on their jurisdiction. They will have our heads for sure!”
“Lieutenant Grader, the Knights have no jurisdiction. They operate outside the laws of man…and nature!”
“Perhaps Captain, but they do have His Majesty’s sanction to operate within his realms. If we violate such a sacred trust we may not only incur the wrath of the Knights, but the King himself! Let us wait, and allow the Knights to punish these urchins. Or better yet, hold them in prison. The Knights will surely come for them, and then we may charge them, and the Knights as well, with treason, threatening His Majesty’s sovereignty, jailbreaking, and whatever else you like sir. It would be prudent.”
“Hmmm. You make an excellent point Lieutenant Grader. Very well. Men, take the prisoners to the Watchtower of Nezar.”
A royal guardsman prodded Alex with the butt of his spear. “Come on then. Move it!” Both Alex and Karen were shackled and led away by armed guards.
Oh, and the Captain, whose name may become Jackson, Swallow, John, or Jean-La (play on John Law), I modeled after Pirates of the Caribbean’s Commodore Norrington. The name will only be necessary if I have him as the one hunting Alex & family, or if Xavier refers to him by name, both of which are plausible.
heh heh. A couple typos. That’s “wear a hood.” not “weak a hood.”
“Then Alex” not “T Alex.” I should’ve proofread before posting.
You should post this is your forum, since it’s lengthy.
Oh, oops this is your forum! Never mind hahaha!
Hope you don’t mind me commenting a bit.
The argument with the cabbage merchant seems waay too dramatic, even though Alex thinks as much himself. To be honest, something like that would make me cringe and carefully put the book back where I’d found it.
The paragraph describing Mora, whilst enjoyable, seems utterly out of place. (Also, just an aside, but I keep tripping up on that name and thinking ‘Moira’). I’d recommend relocating some of the information to the opening paragraph (when you’re describing the gates, say). Example: “As Alex walked the streets of Mora, the small town on the banks of the river Nuba where he had been born, he encountered a variety of reactions. When he passed the gate to Mora’s wealthy community, he received glares and sneers of contempt from the neat, autumn-tinged gardens. When he passed the gate of the poor neighborhood, he met fearful eyes and cowering wretches, if anyone was brave enough to come out and look at him in the first place; most of them seemed to prefer to hide under the leaf-litter.” (Um, that’s probably not a very good example. But you get the idea.)
I do, however, love the introduction of Karen. I think it’s very well done and I can see the improvement. The fight scene is also good. Props.
The scene with the guards starts off good, but then becomes very confusing. Knights? What Knights? Alex and Karen are 14 and 15 respectively, isn’t it a little extreme to order them to be killed on the spot for ‘disturbing the peace’? On a similar note, where the heck did this charge of treason come from? (Also, is the Lieutentant subservient to the Captain, or vice versa? It’s impossible to tell if you’re not familiar with military ranks. The one with the good ideas should be in charge, generally, unless you’re deliberately showing the ones in charge to be incompetent).
Overall it’s a good opening chapter, just with a few problematic bits. I’m sure B. Mac or Davis can give you a better review, but that’s my two cents.
Exactly what was too dramatic? Was it the eclipse bit? Or was it the “Behold human!” line. I thought I clearly stated that even Alex thought it was over the top. That was for humor purposes. I could change it though. And the lieutennant is below the Captain. I just wanted the captain to be uber-harsh, while the lieutenant was more rational.
Also, the Knights Telessar are an organization in my book that operates outside of the government as a sort of protection agency. Their authority does not come from any government so they only operate with permission of the local government (the exception being secret black-ops missions of course.) Think of it as a fantasy version of Justice League Unlimited meets the Knights Templar. They are a major part of my story. I will flesh them out soon enough.
Ok, yeah. I’m guessing it was probably the sun-blotting thing. I want to include that for comedic purposes, but I’ll tone down the melodrama. Also the treason charge came with a modifier: “unauthorized use of sorcery”. Even though Alex and Karen are not sorcerers, their powers were seen as a threat to the royal sovereignty. Imagine a superpowered revolt for instance. That is why the Knights are a matter to be treated gingerly as well. In summary: anyone who uses any extra-human powers without royal permission can be charged with treason.
Also, your reaction was meant to be mirrored in Alex’s. Note how he responds:
“Guilty, guilty, and…WHAT THE HECK?”
In retrospect, all caps might drive the point home. Alex is just as shocked at the charge as you are.
Also, keep in mind that halflings are despised and their powers are thought of as fearful. Under such preconceptions, the idea of killing them off seems much more logical.
I’m probably commenting too much at this point, but I’d like to say that in both fiction and reality, treason has been used as a catch-all charge for offing people you don’t like. But thanks very much for your advice Holliequ. I will make the necessary changes in the next revision.
I posted a map of Therva on DeviantArt. And…um…Yeah, I revised my opening. See above.
I like this opening alot, I wish I had been working on one story for two years. You probably have alot done by now. There were only two things I was a little thrown off by:
One: This line
In summary, two reactions: fear and hatred of, as they put it, “his kind”.
-I don’t really like the use of the phrase “In summary” it makes the story feel too much like a “book” instead of a “story”, if that makes sense.
Two: This line
Alex had been in…ahem…altercations with the town guards before
-The ahem makes it feel really bookish instead of a story.Also, it’s oddly conversational, like something you would post in here on Superhero Nation.
How about that fight, Adrian is cracking his knuckles right now.
I’ll change that in my next (hopefully final) revision of the opening. I dont want to bore you guys with 50 versions of the same page. As for the fight… here.
I’ll start off.
What’s your opinion on naming the Captain later?
Quote by me:
“the Captain, whose name may become Jackson, Swallow, John, or Jean-La (play on John Law), I modeled after Pirates of the Caribbean’s Commodore Norrington. The name will only be necessary if I have him as the one hunting Alex & family, or if Xavier refers to him by name, both of which are plausible.”
I would recommend a name that fits in with the setting of the story/his origins rather than one referencing a character in something else.
I’d also advise against John. John just seems like a bit of a cop-out.
I think it makes sense to name the character later, but I’m not sure about giving him a first last name rather than a last name. I generally recommend that soldiers not refer to their officers by their first name unless they’re in combat.
As far as first names go, I like John, though. It’s a plain name, but it strikes me as one that feels very human. Since the captain is supposed to be the friendliest of the officers there, I think it’s helpful that John has a soft sound (compared to, say… Bruce, Timothy, Roy or Isaac).
Also, I had a bit of trouble with the captain vs. lieutenant issue. I’m dimly aware that a captain slightly outranks a lieutenant in the branches of the American military, but I suspect that many fantasy readers will not know that much (or even whether their country’s military is comparable to the town guard here).
John Law isn’t so much a character reference as it is a reference to police in general. But, Jean-La probably wouldn’t work too well anyway. Also, the Captain (he’s over the lieutenant by the way) is actually the *coldest and harshest* of the officers present. (remember, based on Norrington) Of course, using a friendly name for a cold/harsh character could be ironic.
Does this revelation change your opinion?
Oh, and I used asterisks because every time I try to use italics on this site I screw up.
What if I say “his lieutenant”. Would the addition of “his” be enough to clarify?
Oh, right. I was trying to remember whether the lieutenant or the captain was the more reasonable of the two, and I glanced through until I saw that it was the captain that dismissed the vendor’s allegation that Alex put out the sun. Since that was a triumph of reason over superstition/paranoia, the captain briefly came off like a “good guy” there.
Generally, I recommend against ironic names unless the audience is focused enough on the character to actually get why it matters. Otherwise, it’s just a weak joke (“he’s an enormous guy named Tiny, get it?” Eww. Also, the ironic names might confuse an audience if they were too subtle).
What do you think about Captain Halifax?
Oh, also, about italics. Yeah… our WordPress theme doesn’t let commenters use HTML coding (like italics, bolds, line-breaks, links, etc). We’re looking for a new theme.
Thanks, I love the name Halifax.
Also, I didn’t get your opinion on what happens after Karen releases her power on Alex.
OK, I think I’ve filled it in now.
He’s not whispering to hide it. He’s whispering because I don’t want him yelling it out like in some crazy anime. He only needs to say the word to activate his powers, so there is no need for anything louder.
Also, there’s a broken sentence. You said:
“I’m confused. The pacing has suddenly….” Suddenly what?
I think I managed to confuse myself about what was happening in the preceding paragraph. I somehow convinced myself that he had decided to run. I don’t think it’s a mistake that many readers would make, though.
I will mention in the re-write that the words they speak are in the elven tongue, which I have named Duenda.
What do you think of the name Duenda?
Behold, the re-write!
———————————-
Alexander Tafari had to be very careful around his neighbors. He had to be careful because half-elves were not well liked by humans. Alex was of ordinary height, his brown skin and black hair were forgettable, but he was nevertheless marked. His ears were pointed, and his curly black hair had a slight red sheen. If his ears raised suspicion, having an odd hair color removed any doubt. Mora, Alex’s hometown, was a city of gates. When Alex passed these gates, he was greeted, or not greeted rather, in interesting ways. When he passed the gate to Mora’s wealthy community, he received glares and sneers of contempt. When he passed the gate of the poor, he often met fearful eyes, if anyone was brave enough to come out and look at him in the first place. But the poor children seemed to regard him differently than the adults. To them, he was a curiosity and an amusement. Alex would smile at them, sometimes tossing them an apple or a piece of candy.
In the marketplace the sea of people parted before Alex, and he could move through the crowd fairly easily. Maybe the good townspeople wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of him would die, and painfully. Or maybe they weren’t drunk enough to make an attempt at stoning. The cabbage merchant glared at him from the corner of his eyes, though never daring direct eye contact. He was watching him closely, as if he expected robbery or worse. He put on a tough face, but his body reeked of fear.
“I don’t sell to the likes of you.” His voice trembled.
“That’s just too bad,” Alex sighed, slowly approaching. “Well, if you’re smart, you will sell to me, or you might not sell to anyone else.” Alex gave the man a left-sided smirk.
“Look, I said I don’t sell to your kind. Now just leave me alone or–”
“Or what?”
The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. “I’ll call the guards. They’ll know how to deal with your kind.”
This was no idle threat. Alex had been in altercations with the town guards before, and today had noticed some of them shadowing him from a distance, or stiffening when he came near.
“Really, is that so?” Alex bent down and scooped a handful of dust from the street. He then locked eyes with the man, letting the sand slip through his fingers. “Remember what happened to the last merchant who wouldn’t sell to ‘my kind’? I seem to recall he disintegrated into a thousand tiny pieces. So, how about that cabbage? Because something tells me your other potential customers are getting really nervous. They just might, I don’t know, leave. And who could blame them.” It wouldn’t be the first time this tactic had worked.
Sweat poured down the merchant’s face as his eyes darted back and forth in frustration. Not so much because of the threat, but because he couldn’t afford to lose customers. “You can’t threaten me boy. I’ll call the guards! You know how many of your kind have tried this little stunt? I’ll have you arrested!”
“And what are your guards gonna do? They’re useless!” Alex pulled out a knife and cut across his left palm, allowing the blood to flow down his hand and drip onto the counter of merchant’s booth. “Watch this,” he said. After a few seconds the blood flow stopped and the cut healed, leaving no trace. Alex smiled. It was time to stretch the truth.
“If your guards even managed to injure me, I could heal myself and even regrow entire arms and legs just as fast. And that’s not all.” Alex set his knife on the counter and covered it with a scrap of cloth that he carried for just such occasions. He waved his hands over the veiled knife, speaking some indiscernible words in Duenda, the elven tongue. He then slammed his fist on top of it. When Alex removed the cloth, there was nothing on the counter except dust. It was an old illusion his father had taught him. Alex then waved the cloth before the merchant’s face, and produced the knife in his hand with a flourish.
“I can use my power to destroy weapons far larger than this knife. I can also produce them out of the thin air. These are only a small sample of my abilities. I don’t think you want to see more.” If bluffing didn’t work, sleight of hand usually did.
The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! T-take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” The man swore viciously under his breath, but Alex only caught one word, “Halfling!”
Alex collected what he wanted and left, convulsing. The familiar, ever-present scourge: halfling. But that was what Alex was, fathered by a human, born of an elven mother. A child of two worlds, citizen of none.
Once his anger dissipated, Alex wondered for a moment whether or not he should have feel guilty for bullying the cabbage merchant. He immediately dismissed the idea. Guilt was out of the question. But even so, humans had a reason to be suspicious of half-elves. The half-elven, in fact, half-anythings, were notorious for exhibiting powers believed to be beyond their control. Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were all as volatile as blasting oil, just waiting to destroy everything in sight. Then he remembered that not all people were like that. He shrugged. Maybe not all of them, but enough to justify my tactics. But then he thought, Would Father approve?
If anyone talked about Alex’s father, Xavier, it was behind closed doors with hushed tones. Xavier was the type of man who never spoke threats, he only gave warning, and those never in vain. He was quite highly regarded, despite having married an elf. He also had a reputation for being short on patience and long on retribution. Like father, like son. Well, except that Alex was much more prone to bluffing.
Alex had learned that humans would be perfectly accepting of an elf, and such an elf could even go out in public with a human. He had also learned that these rules did not quite apply if they were married. There seemed to be an unspoken pact among the races that any cross-cultural couple was to be looked down upon, and their offspring were to be despised. Not just half-elves, but half-dwarves and half-giants as well. It seemed to Alex that pureblooded parents were given more leniency than their halfling children because if they did have powers, they could control them. Popular belief dictated that halflings could not.
The humans of Mora prided themselves on their normality, and to them, having an oddity like Alex around was a scourge on their very way of life. To them, Mora was supposed to be a charming town on the banks of the Nuba River, where the beautiful landscape was already tinged with the beginning of the harvest season. The green trees began to turn shades of gold, red, and orange in the month of August, dropping their leaves on the rolling hills. A fiery harbinger of the fruits of nature to come. A place where the people were friendly, welcomed you to visit, and encouraged you to return. The presence of a halfling destroyed this image. They feared him, they hated him, and once a mob even got up the courage to attempt to stone him. Oh, Mora was charming alright. Charming like a wolverine.
Alex started on his way home. His mother would not let him drive the cart, so he had to carry everything himself. Alex scowled impatiently at the groceries, as if their inability to walk was the source of his troubles. “Maybe I should just throw everything onto the street and be done with it all,” he whispered to himself. He decided against it.
As he walked, crunching the fall leaves and kicking at a rock in his path, Alex saw a girl out of the corner of his eye. He instantly recognized her, and walked faster. Karen. She saw him and walked in his direction. Alex had failed to avoid her. I really don’t want to deal with her right now, Alex thought. Karen was his cousin, but she was also very skilled at irritating him. Alex could not tolerate her.
Everyone liked Karen, though she was also half-elven. Maybe it was something about her long, straight silvery-white hair. Maybe it was her musical voice. The humans were always talking about how wonderful she was. But Alex knew the truth. To him, Karen was nothing but deviousness and trickery. They had been rivals as long as Alex could remember.
The battle for supremacy would have to wait. Right now, all Alex wanted was to get the groceries home intact. If Karen made him angry again, that would be nearly impossible.
“Hey, Alex!” Karen shouted.
Alex pretended that he could not hear her over the commotion in the street and walked faster. He took refuge among the braying donkeys, bleating sheep, and lowing oxen. He sought sanction among the noise of carts and hagglers. He thought to disguise himself among the masses. All the while he pictured the blue sandstone house where he lived, his destination. He would not let anything distract him, not even Karen. He moved quickly, so that no one could make out his half-elven features.
Karen would not be denied. “Alex! Yes, I’m talking to you, horntoad!”
Alex growled to himself through clenched teeth. He would deal with Karen later. He made a sharp turn and ran towards the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd. Who could pick out one fourteen-year-old boy among the hundreds who gathered in the square? Certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl. Alex plunged into the crowd, taking several twists and turns he was sure would disorient his adversary. After this, he emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.
“Nice try Alex. Next time you want to hide in a crowd, be sure to find a large group of people who have pointed ears and red-black hair,” Karen said with a smug look on her face. “If you weren’t so brazenly stubborn, you might learn to wear a hood.”
Alex narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on the groceries. He had been forced to engage his adversary. “How did you catch up to me?”
“You’re not the only one with elven blood. I’m just as fast as you are, even faster. There’s no way in the heavens that you could have escaped me.”
Alex swallowed a hostile statement and furrowed his brow in the sheer effort it took for him to keep his composure. “What do you want Karen? As you can see, I have groceries to deliver.”
Just then, a burly man with a scraggly beard swaggered over. He brandished a sword at Alex. “Miss, is this ‘ere ‘alflin’ botherin’ you?”
Then Alex realized that Karen hid her ears under her long hair. Most people believed she was human.
“No. He couldn’t threaten me on his best day. If he tries, they’ll have nothing but a corpse for the hanging.”
The man walked away, laughing. Alex fumed. “Karen, I’m going to–”
“To what? In case you’ve forgotten, attacking a human is a hanging crime, halfling.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re not one of them.” Alex dropped the groceries and lunged toward Karen, knocking her to the ground. “I have had it up to here with you, ‘cousin’! When I finish, all of Aunt Kayla’s elven medicine won’t be able to heal your wounds.” Alex had Karen pinned. He looked into her eyes as she realized that she was trapped. There was only one way she could win, and he was forcing her to take it.
“Lumis ,” she whispered. Immediately a bolt of light emanated from her body, driving Alex to the ground several feet away.
Alex was sore, but he smiled. He had gotten exactly the reaction he had wanted. Now she is exposed for what she truly is. Unfortunately, that blast was only half of her full power, he thought. As he stood to challenge Karen, he assumed the wolf fighting stance and whispered, “Vaichar ”. Balls of fire engulfed his hands as he assumed a fighting stance. “Ladies first,” he called.
Karen flipped her hair out of her face and fired another light beam towards Alex. He dodged the blow, inadvertently causing the explosion of a nearby fruit stand.
So much for the groceries, Alex thought. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid, but he found himself enjoying it anyway. He would win this time. Even if he didn’t, no one would ever mistake Karen for a human after today. He tossed a flaming watermelon while dodging another light beam, all the while edging closer. He weaved towards Karen, tossing burning fruit as he ran. Once he got close enough, he threw a punch. Karen blocked it and returned a blow. As they fought, Alex’s attacks were quick and savage, while Karen’s attacks were strong and deliberate.
Soon they were in a deadlock. Karen threw Alex back and looked up to discover that they both were surrounded by guards. “Halt! Hands above your head. Now.”
The kids swiftly complied. Alex was nervous, and from the look of it, so was Karen. They could die at any moment. In retrospect, not a great idea. How am I going to get out of this one? This time, bluffing was not an option. “Is there a problem, officers?” Alex snapped in a low voice.
A soldier walked forward and knocked Alex to the ground with the butt of his spear, holding him down with his foot. Another walked over to Karen and punched her. As soon as he made contact, a pulse of light sent him to the ground. Alex turned his head to see Karen standing in a trancelike state with glowing eyes and hair. She then emitted another, brighter pulse, blinding the guards. Alex then saw her drop, unconscious.
Throwing off his blind would-be captor, Alex rushed over to Karen. He didn’t like her, in fact at times he hated her, but he would have to explain everything when he got home, and it sure would help if she was alive. She has a pulse. Alex breathed a sigh of relief. But his relief was short lived. A bystander had seen the entire incident and had called, not the regular city guard, but the Royal Guard. Great. Just great. I’m tired, I failed to get the groceries home, my cousin is unconscious, and now I have to fight Princepia’s finest! As he knelt there, a small voice in the back of his head suggested that he surrender, but his will to live crowded it out. Surrender would mean certain death. If he fought, he couldn’t win, but at least he might escape, and any chance was looking good right now.
The captain rode forward on his mount. He asked a nearby man, “Is this the one?”
The man shouted, “That’s him cap’n. He threatened to kill me, so he did. Watch him, he can vaporize your men, and pull weepons from the thin air!”
Alex was now regretting his run-in with the cabbage merchant.
The soldiers, captain included, laughed at the latter accusation. “Halfling child, by the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human, disturbing the peace, and committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery. How do you plead?”
“Guilty, guilty, and…what the heck? I’m no sorcerer!”
“Surrender now, or face His Majesty’s wrath.”
“Um, somehow I think I’ll face His Majesty’s wrath even if I do surrender. I’d rather take my chances.” Alex wiped away a bead of sweat. He fought to keep his voice steady despite his violently throbbing heart.
“So be it.” The captain turned, motioning to his men. He said coldly, “Kill them.” Thirty spears were now leveled at Alex and his cousin, who was beginning to awaken.
“Wait Captain,” his lieutenant whispered. “You saw the power they possess, they must be Telessars. If we slaughter these two halfling children now, the Knights will see it as a direct threat and an intrusion on their jurisdiction. They will have our heads for sure!”
“Lieutenant Grader, the Knights have no jurisdiction. They operate outside the laws of man…and nature!”
“Perhaps Captain, but they do have His Majesty’s sanction to operate within his realms. If we violate such a sacred trust we may not only incur the wrath of the Knights, but the King himself! Let us wait, and allow the Knights to punish these urchins. Or better yet, hold them in prison. The Knights will surely come for them, and then we may charge them, and the Knights as well, with treason, threatening His Majesty’s sovereignty, jailbreaking, and whatever else you like, sir. It would be prudent.”
“Hmmm. You make an excellent point, Lieutenant Grader. Very well. Men, take the prisoners to the Watchtower of Nezar.”
A royal guardsman prodded Alex with the butt of his spear. “Come on then. Move it!” Both Alex and Karen were shackled and led away by armed guards.
——————————-
Thoughts? I made some changes and improvements.
Oh, yeah, that was me. Different computer and I forgot to type my name. If you would, kindly correct that. Thanks.
Wow, are you at school on computer too.
Yes. It’s complicated to explain, but I’m allowed to do this.
We’re having a free period, I posted the next part of the fight.
B. Mac, I have posted my re-write above.
Your thoughts?
I think I’ve got the reason why one part of your opening doesn’t work.
–“Halfling child, by the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human, disturbing the peace, and committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery. How do you plead?”
“Guilty, guilty, and…what the heck? I’m no sorcerer!”–
Maybe if you split the charges up, it would make more sense. At the moment, it seems like Alex is reacting to each of them after they have been said. For example, at this point he wouldn’t be worrying about the others charges. He’s more likely to say something like, “Wait a minute, the first two I can understand, I’m no sorcerer!”
Or you could split them up, like so:
“Halfling child, by the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human . . .”
“Guilty.”
“. . . disturbing the peace . . .”
“Guilty.”
“. . . and committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery. How do you plead?”
“I plead /what the heck?/”
I’m sure you can make that better, but you get what I’m trying to say, right?
Thanks Holliequ. Oh, and B. Mac, elves can heal small wounds: cuts, scrapes, etc. Mostly things you’d put a band-aid on. For more serious things, medicine is required. Also, they make medicine to benefit other species as well.
And, it’s not really an elven illusion. I was thinking it would be just an illusion. Would it make a difference if it was an elvish illusion? If so, how?
The cart thing was supposed to drive home his impatient nature, but it doesn’t do that too well and subtracts from his first objective: to deliver the groceries. If he wants to get rid of them, Karen is not a very significant obstacle because she only makes him do what he would have done anyway. Also, this paragraph was a deliberate snipe at my mom not letting me drive, so all this qualifies it for deletion.
Also, my rationale/excuse is that Karen’s hair is commonly mistaken for platinum blonde.
; )
Also, a couple sentences, such as:
“Now she is exposed for what she truly is.” and “In retrospect, not a great idea” are actually Alex’s internal thoughts. Seeing as they have no tag, and I cant do italics, you missed that. My bad. From now on, I’ll use brackets like these: {…} to signify internal thoughts. Is that fine?
I think was = singular and were = plural. I’ll check.
“weepons” is supposed to show the way he speaks, but ok.
Good thinking on the brackets. Yeah, the vendor has a pretty strong accent which I thought was generally effective. The only word that really threw me was weepons, so that’s why I singled it out.
I also find that Holliequ’s observation is dead-on. I like her suggested approach, but I suggested another in the paragraph-by-paragraph review above that I think would resolve the chronological issues raised by “how do you plead?”
Ah. I used a combination of your suggestions. Hopefully the final re-write, you guys must be getting bored:
————————————–
Alexander Tafari had to be very careful around his neighbors. He had to be careful because half-elves were not well liked by humans. Alex was of ordinary height and his brown skin was forgettable, but he was nevertheless marked. His ears were pointed, and his curly black hair had a slight red sheen. If his ears raised suspicion, having an odd hair color removed any doubt.
Mora, Alex’s hometown, was a city of gates. When Alex passed these gates, he was greeted, or not greeted rather, in different ways. When he passed the gate to Mora’s wealthy community, he received glares of contempt. When he passed the gate of the poor, he often met fearful eyes, if anyone was brave enough to come out and look at him at all. But the poor children seemed to regard him as a curiosity and an amusement. Alex smiled at them and sometimes tossed them an apple or a piece of candy.
In the marketplace the sea of people parted before Alex, and he could move through the crowd fairly easily. The good townspeople wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of a half-elf would die, and painfully. Also, they weren’t drunk enough to make an attempt at stoning. The cabbage merchant glared at him from the corner of his eyes, though never daring direct eye contact. He was watching him closely, as if he expected something worse than robbery. He put on a tough face, but his body reeked of fear.
“I don’t sell to the likes of you.” His voice trembled.
“That’s just too bad,” Alex said with a sigh, slowly approaching. “Well, if you’re smart, you will sell to me, or you might not sell to anyone else.” Alex gave the man a left-sided smirk.
“Look, I said I don’t sell to your kind. Now just leave me alone or–”
“Or what?”
The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. “I’ll call the guards. They’ll know how to deal with your kind.”
It wasn’t an idle threat. Alex had been in altercations with the town guards before, such as the instance when he had been falsely accused of putting a curse on Farmer Dunkel’s wheat. The arrest attempt did not end well. Today, Alex had noticed some of same guards shadowing him from a distance, or stiffening when he came near. He really didn’t want a repeat of the wheat crop incident.
“Really, is that so?” Alex bent down and scooped a handful of dust from the street. He then locked eyes with the man, letting the sand slip through his fingers. “I seem to recall the last merchant who wouldn’t sell to ‘my kind’ disintegrated into a thousand tiny pieces. A half-elf without cabbage is a half-elf without patience, and an impatient half-elf is bound to make your other potential customers really nervous. They just might, I don’t know, leave. And who could blame them.” It wouldn’t be the first time this tactic had worked.
Sweat poured down the merchant’s face as his eyes darted back and forth in frustration. Not so much because of the threat, but because he couldn’t afford to lose customers. “You can’t threaten me, boy. I’ll call the guards! You know how many of you have tried this little stunt? I’ll have you arrested!”
“Call them, call them now! They’re useless!” Alex pulled out a knife and cut across his left palm, allowing the blood to flow down his hand and drip onto the counter of merchant’s booth. “Watch this,” he said. After a few seconds the blood flow stopped and the cut healed, leaving no trace. Alex smiled. It was time to stretch the truth.
“Last time, I regrew both arms and a leg before the guards gave up,” he said. Truthfully, after the wheat crop incident, he had been too busy running to do anything of the sort, even if he could have. “And that’s not all.”
Alex set his knife on the counter and covered it with a scrap of cloth that he carried for just such occasions. He waved his hands over the veiled knife, speaking some indiscernible words in Duenda, the elven tongue. He then slammed his fist on top of it. When Alex removed the cloth, there was nothing on the counter except dust. It was an old illusion his father had taught him. Alex then waved the cloth before the merchant’s face, and produced the knife in his hand with a flourish.
“I can use my power to destroy weapons far larger than this knife. I can also produce them out of thin air. These are only a small sample of my abilities. I don’t think you want to see more.” When bluffing didn’t work, sleight of hand usually did.
The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! T-take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” The man swore viciously under his breath, but Alex only caught one word, “Halfling!”
Alex collected what he wanted and left, convulsing. The familiar, ever-present scourge: halfling. But that was what Alex was, fathered by a human, born of an elven mother. A child of two worlds, citizen of none.
Once his anger dissipated, Alex wondered for a moment whether or not he should have felt guilty for bullying the cabbage merchant. He immediately dismissed the idea. Guilt was out of the question.
Humans had a reason to be suspicious of half-elves. The half-elven, in fact, half-anythings, were notorious for exhibiting powers believed to be beyond their control. Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were all as volatile as blasting oil, just waiting to destroy everything in sight. Then he remembered that not all people were like that. He shrugged. Maybe not all of them, but enough to justify my tactics. But then he thought, Would Father approve?
If anyone talked about Alex’s father, Xavier, it was behind closed doors with hushed tones. Xavier never spoke threats, he only gave warnings, and those never in vain. He was quite highly regarded, despite having married an elf. He also was known for being short on patience and long on retribution. Like father, like son. Well, except that Alex was a bluffer when necessary.
The humans of Mora prided themselves on their normality, and to them, having an oddity like Alex around was a scourge on their very way of life. To them, Mora was supposed to be a charming town on the banks of the Nuba River, where the beautiful landscape was already tinged with the beginning of the harvest season. The green trees began to turn shades of gold, red, and orange in the month of August, dropping their leaves on the rolling hills. A fiery harbinger of the fruits of nature to come. A place where the people were friendly, welcomed you to visit, and encouraged you to return. The presence of a halfling destroyed this image. They feared him, they hated him, and once a mob even got up the courage to attempt to stone him. Oh, Mora was charming alright. Charming like a wolverine.
Alex started on his way home. His mother would not let him drive the cart, so he had to carry everything himself. Alex scowled impatiently at the groceries, as if their inability to walk was the source of his troubles. “Maybe I should just throw everything onto the street and be done with it all,” he whispered to himself. He decided against it.
As he walked, crunching the fall leaves and kicking at a rock in his path, Alex saw a girl out of the corner of his eye. He instantly recognized her, and walked faster. Karen. She saw him and walked in his direction. Alex had failed to avoid her. I really don’t want to deal with her right now, Alex thought. Karen was his cousin, but she was also very skilled at irritating him. Alex could not tolerate her.
Everyone liked Karen, though she was also half-elven. Maybe it was something about her long, straight silvery-white hair. Maybe it was her musical voice. The humans were always talking about how wonderful she was. But Alex knew the truth. To him, Karen was nothing but deviousness and trickery. They had been rivals as long as Alex could remember.
The battle for supremacy would have to wait. Right now, all Alex wanted was to get the groceries home intact. If Karen made him angry again, that would be nearly impossible.
“Hey, Alex!” Karen shouted.
Alex pretended that he could not hear her over the commotion in the street and walked faster. He took refuge among the braying donkeys, bleating sheep, and lowing oxen. He sought sanction among the noise of carts and hagglers. He thought to disguise himself among the masses. All the while he pictured the blue sandstone house where he lived, his destination. He would not let anything distract him, not even Karen. He moved quickly, so that no one could make out his half-elven features.
Karen would not be denied. “Alex! Yes, I’m talking to you, horntoad!”
Alex growled to himself through clenched teeth. He would deal with Karen later. He made a sharp turn and ran towards the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd. Who could pick out one fourteen-year-old boy among the hundreds who gathered in the square? Certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl. Alex plunged into the crowd, taking several twists and turns he was sure would disorient his adversary. After this, he emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.
“Nice try, Alex. Next time you want to hide in a crowd, be sure to find a large group of people who have pointed ears and red-black hair,” Karen said with a smug look on her face. “If you weren’t so brazen and stubborn, you might learn to wear a hood.”
Alex narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on the groceries. He had been forced to engage his adversary. “How did you catch up to me?”
“You’re not the only one with elven blood. I’m just as fast as you are, even faster. There’s no way in the heavens that you could have escaped me.”
Alex swallowed a hostile statement and furrowed his brow in the sheer effort it took for him to keep his composure. “What do you want Karen? As you can see, I have groceries to deliver.”
Just then, a burly man with a scraggly beard swaggered over. He brandished a sword at Alex. “Miss, is this ‘ere ‘alflin’ botherin’ you?”
Then Alex realized that Karen hid her ears under her long hair. She looked like a human. A platinum blonde human.
“No. He couldn’t threaten me on his best day. If he tries, they’ll have nothing but a corpse for the hanging.”
The man walked away, laughing. Alex fumed. “Karen, I’m going to–”
“To what? In case you’ve forgotten, attacking a human is a hanging crime, halfling.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re not one of them.” Alex dropped the groceries and lunged toward Karen, knocking her to the ground. “I have had it up to here with you, ‘cousin’! When I finish, all of Aunt Kayla’s medicine won’t be able to heal your wounds.” Alex had Karen pinned. He looked into her eyes as she realized that she was trapped. There was only one way she could win, and he was forcing her to take it. “Do it,” he whispered. “Do it now, in full view of everyone here. Do it so they will all know the truth.” Alex could see sweat gathering on her forehead. “Or are you too scared of being branded a half-elf, like me.” He had her.
“Lumis ,” she whispered. Immediately a bolt of light shot out from her body, driving Alex to the ground several feet away.
Alex was sore, but he smiled. He had gotten exactly the reaction he had wanted. Now she is exposed for what she truly is. Unfortunately, that blast was only half of her full power, he thought. As he stood to challenge Karen, he assumed the wolf fighting stance and whispered, “Vaichar ”. Balls of fire engulfed his hands as he assumed a fighting stance. “Ladies first,” he called.
Karen flipped her hair out of her face and fired another light beam towards Alex. He dodged the blow, inadvertently causing a nearby fruit stand to explode.
So much for the groceries, Alex thought. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid, but he found himself enjoying it anyway. He would win this time. Even if he didn’t, no one would ever mistake Karen for a human after today. He tossed a flaming watermelon while dodging another light beam, all the while edging closer. He weaved towards Karen, tossing burning fruit as he ran. Once he got close enough, he threw a punch. Karen blocked it and returned a blow. As they fought, Alex’s attacks were quick and savage, while Karen’s attacks were strong and deliberate.
Soon they were in a deadlock. Karen threw Alex back and looked up to discover that they both were surrounded by guards. “Halt! Hands above your head. Now.”
The kids swiftly complied. Alex was nervous, and from the look of it, so was Karen. They could die at any moment. In retrospect, not a great idea. How am I going to get out of this one? This time, bluffing was not an option. “Is there a problem, officers?” Alex snapped in a low voice.
A soldier walked forward and knocked Alex to the ground with the butt of his spear, holding him down with his foot. Another walked over to Karen and punched her. As soon as he made contact, a pulse of light sent him to the ground. Alex turned his head to see Karen standing in a trancelike state with glowing eyes and hair. She then emitted another, brighter pulse, blinding the guards. Alex then saw her drop, unconscious.
Throwing off his blind would-be captor, Alex rushed over to Karen. He didn’t like her, in fact at times he hated her, but he would have to explain everything when he got home, and it sure would help if she was alive. She has a pulse. Alex breathed a sigh of relief. But his relief was short lived. Now, not the regular city guard, but the Royal Guard had arrived. They carried broader shields, longer spears, and even their horses wore armor. If that wasn’t enough, Alex spotted a wicked assortment of maces, flails, swords, javelins, crossbows, and throwing blades. Great. Just great. I’m tired, I failed to get the groceries home, my cousin is unconscious, and now I have to fight Princepia’s finest! As he knelt there, a small voice in the back of his head suggested that he surrender, but his willfulness crowded it out. If he fought, he couldn’t win, but at least he might escape, and any chance was looking good right now.
The captain rode forward on his mount. He asked a nearby man, “Is this the one?”
The man shouted, “That’s him, cap’n. He threatened to kill me, so he did. Watch him, he can vaporize your men, and pull weapons from the thin air!”
Alex was now regretting his run-in with the cabbage merchant.
The soldiers, captain included, laughed at the latter accusation. “Halfling child, by the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human…”
Guilty, Alex thought.
“Disturbing the peace…”
Guilty, he thought.
“And committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery.”
At this, Alex snapped to attention. “What the heck? I’m no sorcerer!”
“Surrender now, or face His Majesty’s wrath.”
“Um, somehow I think I’ll face His Majesty’s wrath even if I do surrender. I’d rather take my chances.” Alex wiped away a bead of sweat. He fought to keep his voice steady despite his violently throbbing heart.
“So be it.” The captain turned, motioning to his men. He said coldly, “Kill them.” Thirty spears were now leveled at Alex and his cousin, who was beginning to awaken.
“Wait, Captain,” his lieutenant whispered. “These half-elf children are surely Telessars. If we slaughter them now, the Knights will see it as an act of war, a direct threat and an intrusion on their jurisdiction.”
“Lieutenant Grader, the Knights have no jurisdiction. They operate outside the laws of man…and nature!”
“Perhaps Captain, but they do have His Majesty’s sanction to operate within his realms. If we violate such a sacred trust we may not only incur the wrath of the Knights, but the King himself! Let us wait, and allow the Knights to punish these urchins. Or better yet, hold them in prison. The Knights will surely come for them, and then we may charge them, and the Knights as well, with treason, threatening His Majesty’s sovereignty, jailbreaking, and whatever else you like, sir. It would be prudent.”
“Hmmm. You make an excellent point, Lieutenant Grader. Very well. Men, take the prisoners to the Watchtower of Nezar.”
A royal guardsman prodded Alex with the butt of his spear. “Come on then. Move it!” Both Alex and Karen were shackled and led away by armed guards.
Oops. Forgot Brackets. here they are:
—————————————–
Alexander Tafari had to be very careful around his neighbors. He had to be careful because half-elves were not well liked by humans. Alex was of ordinary height and his brown skin was forgettable, but he was nevertheless marked. His ears were pointed, and his curly black hair had a slight red sheen. If his ears raised suspicion, having an odd hair color removed any doubt.
Mora, Alex’s hometown, was a city of gates. When Alex passed these gates, he was greeted, or not greeted rather, in different ways. When he passed the gate to Mora’s wealthy community, he received glares of contempt. When he passed the gate of the poor, he often met fearful eyes, if anyone was brave enough to come out and look at him at all. But the poor children seemed to regard him as a curiosity and an amusement. Alex smiled at them and sometimes tossed them an apple or a piece of candy.
In the marketplace the sea of people parted before Alex, and he could move through the crowd fairly easily. The good townspeople wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of a half-elf would die, and painfully. Also, they weren’t drunk enough to make an attempt at stoning. The cabbage merchant glared at him from the corner of his eyes, though never daring direct eye contact. He was watching him closely, as if he expected something worse than robbery. He put on a tough face, but his body reeked of fear.
“I don’t sell to the likes of you.” His voice trembled.
“That’s just too bad,” Alex said with a sigh, slowly approaching. “Well, if you’re smart, you will sell to me, or you might not sell to anyone else.” Alex gave the man a left-sided smirk.
“Look, I said I don’t sell to your kind. Now just leave me alone or–”
“Or what?”
The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. “I’ll call the guards. They’ll know how to deal with your kind.”
It wasn’t an idle threat. Alex had been in altercations with the town guards before, such as the instance when he had been falsely accused of putting a curse on Farmer Dunkel’s wheat. The arrest attempt did not end well. Today, Alex had noticed some of same guards shadowing him from a distance, or stiffening when he came near. He really didn’t want a repeat of the wheat crop incident.
“Really, is that so?” Alex bent down and scooped a handful of dust from the street. He then locked eyes with the man, letting the sand slip through his fingers. “I seem to recall the last merchant who wouldn’t sell to ‘my kind’ disintegrated into a thousand tiny pieces. A half-elf without cabbage is a half-elf without patience, and an impatient half-elf is bound to make your other potential customers really nervous. They just might, I don’t know, leave. And who could blame them.” It wouldn’t be the first time this tactic had worked.
Sweat poured down the merchant’s face as his eyes darted back and forth in frustration. Not so much because of the threat, but because he couldn’t afford to lose customers. “You can’t threaten me, boy. I’ll call the guards! You know how many of you have tried this little stunt? I’ll have you arrested!”
“Call them, call them now! They’re useless!” Alex pulled out a knife and cut across his left palm, allowing the blood to flow down his hand and drip onto the counter of merchant’s booth. “Watch this,” he said. After a few seconds the blood flow stopped and the cut healed, leaving no trace. Alex smiled. It was time to stretch the truth.
“Last time, I regrew both arms and a leg before the guards gave up,” he said. Truthfully, after the wheat crop incident, he had been too busy running to do anything of the sort, even if he could have. “And that’s not all.”
Alex set his knife on the counter and covered it with a scrap of cloth that he carried for just such occasions. He waved his hands over the veiled knife, speaking some indiscernible words in Duenda, the elven tongue. He then slammed his fist on top of it. When Alex removed the cloth, there was nothing on the counter except dust. It was an old illusion his father had taught him. Alex then waved the cloth before the merchant’s face, and produced the knife in his hand with a flourish.
“I can use my power to destroy weapons far larger than this knife. I can also produce them out of thin air. These are only a small sample of my abilities. I don’t think you want to see more.” When bluffing didn’t work, sleight of hand usually did.
The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! T-take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” The man swore viciously under his breath, but Alex only caught one word, “Halfling!”
Alex collected what he wanted and left, convulsing. The familiar, ever-present scourge: halfling. But that was what Alex was, fathered by a human, born of an elven mother. A child of two worlds, citizen of none.
Once his anger dissipated, Alex wondered for a moment whether or not he should have felt guilty for bullying the cabbage merchant. He immediately dismissed the idea. Guilt was out of the question.
Humans had a reason to be suspicious of half-elves. The half-elven, in fact, half-anythings, were notorious for exhibiting powers believed to be beyond their control. Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were all as volatile as blasting oil, just waiting to destroy everything in sight. Then he remembered that not all people were like that. He shrugged. {Maybe not all of them, but enough to justify my tactics.} But then he thought, {Would Father approve?}
If anyone talked about Alex’s father, Xavier, it was behind closed doors with hushed tones. Xavier never spoke threats, he only gave warnings, and those never in vain. He was quite highly regarded, despite having married an elf. He also was known for being short on patience and long on retribution. Like father, like son. Well, except that Alex was a bluffer when necessary.
The humans of Mora prided themselves on their normality, and to them, having an oddity like Alex around was a scourge on their very way of life. To them, Mora was supposed to be a charming town on the banks of the Nuba River, where the beautiful landscape was already tinged with the beginning of the harvest season. The green trees began to turn shades of gold, red, and orange in the month of August, dropping their leaves on the rolling hills. A fiery harbinger of the fruits of nature to come. A place where the people were friendly, welcomed you to visit, and encouraged you to return. The presence of a halfling destroyed this image. They feared him, they hated him, and once a mob even got up the courage to attempt to stone him. Oh, Mora was charming alright. Charming like a wolverine.
As he walked, crunching the fall leaves and kicking at a rock in his path, Alex saw a girl out of the corner of his eye. He instantly recognized her, and walked faster. {Karen.} She saw him and walked in his direction. Alex had failed to avoid her. {I really don’t want to deal with her right now,} Alex thought. Karen was his cousin, but she was also very skilled at irritating him. Alex could not tolerate her.
Everyone liked Karen, though she was also half-elven. Maybe it was something about her long, straight silvery-white hair. Maybe it was her musical voice. The humans were always talking about how wonderful she was. But Alex knew the truth. To him, Karen was nothing but deviousness and trickery. They had been rivals as long as Alex could remember.
The battle for supremacy would have to wait. Right now, all Alex wanted was to get the groceries home intact. If Karen made him angry again, that would be nearly impossible.
“Hey, Alex!” Karen shouted.
Alex pretended that he could not hear her over the commotion in the street and walked faster. He took refuge among the braying donkeys, bleating sheep, and lowing oxen. He sought sanction among the noise of carts and hagglers. He thought to disguise himself among the masses. All the while he pictured the blue sandstone house where he lived, his destination. He would not let anything distract him, not even Karen. He moved quickly, so that no one could make out his half-elven features.
Karen would not be denied. “Alex! Yes, I’m talking to you, horntoad!”
Alex growled to himself through clenched teeth. He would deal with Karen later. He made a sharp turn and ran towards the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd. Who could pick out one fourteen-year-old boy among the hundreds who gathered in the square? Certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl. Alex plunged into the crowd, taking several twists and turns he was sure would disorient his adversary. After this, he emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.
“Nice try, Alex. Next time you want to hide in a crowd, be sure to find a large group of people who have pointed ears and red-black hair,” Karen said with a smug look on her face. “If you weren’t so brazen and stubborn, you might learn to wear a hood.”
Alex narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on the groceries. He had been forced to engage his adversary. “How did you catch up to me?”
“You’re not the only one with elven blood. I’m just as fast as you are, even faster. There’s no way in the heavens that you could have escaped me.”
Alex swallowed a hostile statement and furrowed his brow in the sheer effort it took for him to keep his composure. “What do you want Karen? As you can see, I have groceries to deliver.”
Just then, a burly man with a scraggly beard swaggered over. He brandished a sword at Alex. “Miss, is this ‘ere ‘alflin’ botherin’ you?”
Then Alex realized that Karen hid her ears under her long hair. She looked like a human. A platinum blonde human.
“No. He couldn’t threaten me on his best day. If he tries, they’ll have nothing but a corpse for the hanging.”
The man walked away, laughing. Alex fumed. “Karen, I’m going to–”
“To what? In case you’ve forgotten, attacking a human is a hanging crime, halfling.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re not one of them.” Alex dropped the groceries and lunged toward Karen, knocking her to the ground. “I have had it up to here with you, ‘cousin’! When I finish, all of Aunt Kayla’s medicine won’t be able to heal your wounds.” Alex had Karen pinned. He looked into her eyes as she realized that she was trapped. There was only one way she could win, and he was forcing her to take it. “Do it,” he whispered. “Do it now, in full view of everyone here. Do it so they will all know the truth.” Alex could see sweat gathering on her forehead. “Or are you too scared of being branded a half-elf, like me.” He had her.
“Lumis ,” she whispered. Immediately a bolt of light shot out from her body, driving Alex to the ground several feet away.
Alex was sore, but he smiled. He had gotten exactly the reaction he had wanted. {Now she is exposed for what she truly is. Unfortunately, that blast was only half of her full power,} he thought. As he stood to challenge Karen, he assumed the wolf fighting stance and whispered, “Vaichar ”. Balls of fire engulfed his hands as he assumed a fighting stance. “Ladies first,” he called.
Karen flipped her hair out of her face and fired another light beam towards Alex. He dodged the blow, inadvertently causing a nearby fruit stand to explode.
{So much for the groceries,} Alex thought. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid, but he found himself enjoying it anyway. He would win this time. Even if he didn’t, no one would ever mistake Karen for a human after today. He tossed a flaming watermelon while dodging another light beam, all the while edging closer. He weaved towards Karen, tossing burning fruit as he ran. Once he got close enough, he threw a punch. Karen blocked it and returned a blow. As they fought, Alex’s attacks were quick and savage, while Karen’s attacks were strong and deliberate.
Soon they were in a deadlock. Karen threw Alex back and looked up to discover that they both were surrounded by guards. “Halt! Hands above your head. Now.”
The kids swiftly complied. Alex was nervous, and from the look of it, so was Karen. They could die at any moment. {In retrospect, not a great idea. How am I going to get out of this one?} This time, bluffing was not an option. “Is there a problem, officers?” Alex snapped in a low voice.
A soldier walked forward and knocked Alex to the ground with the butt of his spear, holding him down with his foot. Another walked over to Karen and punched her. As soon as he made contact, a pulse of light sent him to the ground. Alex turned his head to see Karen standing in a trancelike state with glowing eyes and hair. She then emitted another, brighter pulse, blinding the guards. Alex then saw her drop, unconscious.
Throwing off his blind would-be captor, Alex rushed over to Karen. He didn’t like her, in fact at times he hated her, but he would have to explain everything when he got home, and it sure would help if she was alive. {She has a pulse.} Alex breathed a sigh of relief. But his relief was short lived. Now, not the regular city guard, but the Royal Guard had arrived. They carried broader shields, longer spears, and even their horses wore armor. If that wasn’t enough, Alex spotted a wicked assortment of maces, flails, swords, javelins, crossbows, and throwing blades. {Great. Just great. I’m tired, I failed to get the groceries home, my cousin is unconscious, and now I have to fight Princepia’s finest!} As he knelt there, a small voice in the back of his head suggested that he surrender, but his willfulness crowded it out. If he fought, he couldn’t win, but at least he might escape, and any chance was looking good right now.
The captain rode forward on his mount. He asked a nearby man, “Is this the one?”
The man shouted, “That’s him, cap’n. He threatened to kill me, so he did. Watch him, he can vaporize your men, and pull weapons from the thin air!”
Alex was now regretting his run-in with the cabbage merchant.
The soldiers, captain included, laughed at the latter accusation. “Halfling child, by the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human…”
{Guilty,} Alex thought.
“Disturbing the peace…”
{Guilty,} Alex thought.
“And committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery.”
At this, Alex snapped to attention. “What the heck? I’m no sorcerer!”
“Surrender now, or face His Majesty’s wrath.”
“Um, somehow I think I’ll face His Majesty’s wrath even if I do surrender. I’d rather take my chances.” Alex wiped away a bead of sweat. He fought to keep his voice steady despite his violently throbbing heart.
“So be it.” The captain turned, motioning to his men. He said coldly, “Kill them.” Thirty spears were now leveled at Alex and his cousin, who was beginning to awaken.
“Wait, Captain,” his lieutenant whispered. “These half-elf children are surely Telessars. If we slaughter them now, the Knights will see it as an act of war, a direct threat and an intrusion on their jurisdiction.”
“Lieutenant Grader, the Knights have no jurisdiction. They operate outside the laws of man…and nature!”
“Perhaps Captain, but they do have His Majesty’s sanction to operate within his realms. If we violate such a sacred trust we may not only incur the wrath of the Knights, but the King himself! Let us wait, and allow the Knights to punish these urchins. Or better yet, hold them in prison. The Knights will surely come for them, and then we may charge them, and the Knights as well, with treason, threatening His Majesty’s sovereignty, jailbreaking, and whatever else you like, sir. It would be prudent.”
“Hmmm. You make an excellent point, Lieutenant Grader. Very well. Men, take the prisoners to the Watchtower of Nezar.”
A royal guardsman prodded Alex with the butt of his spear. “Come on then. Move it!” Both Alex and Karen were shackled and led away by armed guards.
———————————-
There we go. Much better. Your thoughts?
I hope the brackets I added help. I believe I fixed all the issues you pointed out and I’m going to move to what happens after their capture after this revision.
Just for that one sentence, what would you think of:
“Last month, the guards roughed him up after he had been falsely accused of putting a curse on Farmer Dunkel’s wheat. It did not end well, especially for the guards.”
nevermind, I forgot he ran from the guards. scratch the last bit.
Thoughts on this sentence:
“He ducked into the multitude, thinking to disguise himself among the masses. He groaned to himself at having to stoop to such methods, but he had to get away from her.”
Another sentence change:
“Do it now, in full view of everyone here,” he said as the crowd surged around them. “Do it so they will all know the truth.”
Another sentence redux:
“Alex was sore, but he smiled. All about him people screamed, panicked and ran for their lives. A woman rushed by on his right, clutching her newborn to her chest. On his left, a man had dropped the flour he was carrying to scramble for cover. Finally, he thought.”
My bad. The “finally” is him thinking. Duh.
: )
Sorry to riddle you with thee sentences, but I’d rather not post the whole thing again for such small changes. I’ll just go through the rest of it, and then post the other redone sentences under here:
– {So much for the groceries.} This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid, but he had lost the groceries anyway. It no longer mattered. He would win this time.
–{In retrospect, not a great idea.} This time, bluffing was not an option. Alex frantically looked around for an escape, but found none. Seeing he was trapped, he regained his composure, standing erect to appear confident. “Is there a problem, officers?” He snapped in a low voice.
–“And committing high treason by the unauthorized use of sorcery.”
At this, Alex snapped to attention. “What the heck? I’m a {half-elf}, not a sorcerer!”
“Hmph. Even worse. Surrender now, or face His Majesty’s wrath.”
Your thoughts?
Also, this section is 2872 words long, or about 64 paragraphs. is this enough to justify a chapter break? I was planning to continue this chapter until their parents and the Knights break them out.
Thoughts?
I would definitely use a new chapter here, when they’re taken away by the guards. Depending on how old your audience is, I’d suggest 1 or possibly even 2 chapter breaks earlier in the passage. The cliffhanger for the end of chapter 1 could be Alex realizing that he can’t get away from Karen, and readers will hopefully wonder “well, what’s going to happen now?” Then chapter 2 resolves the fight between them, and ends with them taken to jail.
Cool. Also I’m working on the next section. Which of these do you think has the most impact:
-Dead men who had no more tales to tell.
-Dead men whose boned still told tales.
-Dead men whose tales had been told out.
I’m working on imagery for the prison.
Oh, and obviously the chapter title needs to be changed. I’m going to cut it off after “After this, he emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.”
Options:
– Merchants, Menaces, and Malevolent Cousins
– Cabbages, Cousins and Close Calls
– Charming Like a Wolverine
For chapter two (From the fight until the arrest at the end of this section)
How about “The Best of Enemies” ?
Thoughts?
I like Charming Like a Wolverine. I’m not quite feeling The Best of Enemies. I’m kind of drawing a blank on suggestions. (“Battle in the Marketplace,” maybe).
When they arrive at the prison, for chapter 3 title I’m thinking:
–House of Horror
–The Wicked Watchtower
–The Lowest Circle
–Death Lies Behind an Iron Door
–The Happy Hole of Grinning Skulls
–Rats’ Got Your Tongue
–Two Halflings in Hell
I like House of Horror the best.
For Chapter 2 maybe Battle/Brawl in the Bazaar? Skirmish in the Square?
Battlefield Bazaar?
If you go with House of Horrors for 3, I think an alliterative title (like Brawl in the Bazaar or Skirmish in the Square) might feel like it’s too much.
Point taken. How about:
–Forcing Her Hand
–Off With the Mask, Off With The Gloves
Thoughts on these titles?
I don’t think they would look very enticing in a table of contents, but that’s just my two cents.
How about
–”Disturbing the Peace”
–”The Final Showdown…Or Not”; alternately perhaps: “The Final Showdown…NOT!” (With or without all caps?)
Thoughts?
Wow. Slow day.
Well, as it stands, here is chapter 3 in its entirety. Perhaps. I cut it off here for dramatic effect, but I may continue it with their escape. Alternately, the escape will be chapter 4.
—————————–
Chapter Three: House of Horror
The Watchtower of Nezar was a fortress deemed impregnable by most. It and the Watchtower of Polassar were the most heavily fortified positions in all of Princepia and, some believed, in the entire world. As Alex and Karen crested the hill it sat upon, they gazed up in both awe and fear of the spiraling ziggurat. The Watchtower was not only a famous garrison, but an infamous prison. Those who were taken in, usually for treason, seldom returned. The heavy ramparts, the deadly-looking spires, the ever-watching arrow slits, and the hungrily gaping, toothy portcullis all screamed one message: death. Once you entered that dark pit of despair, all hope was forever lost. Alex and Karen gasped simultaneously, yanking in vain desperation at their chains. The guards laughed coarsely at their fear.
“What’s that lad? Scared of the tower?” one guard snickered.
“Don’t worry miss, there’s nothing much to be afraid of. We won’t rough you up…too badly,” another snorted. They again burst into a grating cacophony of cackles and guffaws.
Alex ground his teeth in humiliation. He wanted more than anything in the world to unleash his power upon the base guards, but he had used all of his energy fighting Karen. He was stuck without his abilities for twenty-four hours and, from what he could see, Karen was in the same predicament. After the gate, the guards led them down, down into the shadows. Once they came to the bottom of a great flight of stairs and had passed a thick iron door, Alex and Karen saw the abomination that they had before only heard about. The floor and walls were littered with rusted shackles, rotting skeletons lay prostate and defeated in cells alongside living prisoners, reminding them of the fate they would share. The ravings of madmen were scrawled on walls with both chalk and blood. Rats scurried among the prisoners, nipping at their ankles as if they were too impatient to wait on the slow work of death. There was a powerful stench that made Alex double over, reeking of feces, vermin, blood, and putrefaction. Karen looked ready to vomit. The odor was so forceful that it seemed to weigh down the very air, making it difficult to breathe, and even sticking to Alex’s tongue. He could not only smell, but taste the repugnance, as if he himself were feasting beside the rats on the carcasses of men. Dead men who had no more tales to tell. There was a morbid silence, punctuated sporadically by the cries of men who had lost all hope. Some were tortured by the cruel Hellhounds, as the guards of this level were called, but yet others were tortured by their own minds. This was the Watchtower’s dungeon, nicknamed by many the House of Horror. Alex and Karen struggled violently to escape their captors, but were subdued by blows from the guards. The were dragged roughly to a cell and thrown in. The iron bars grated against the cold stone floor and then closed with a clank of finality.
“On behalf of the king, do enjoy your stay!” The guards walked away with crude laughter.
Alex and Karen stood awkwardly in the middle of their…accommodations. Alex wandered over to a wall of the cell, kicking at the rats in his way. He wandered a little too close.
“Hi,” a raspy voice said. Alex jumped back from the wall as he and Karen stared in terror at the voice’s source. A cadaverous man was chained there, grinning in the pale light. “Look kiddies,” he croaked. “There’s only two types o’people in this hellhole: the dying, and the dead.”
He turned his head, and Alex and Karen saw vaguely in the darkness. Half of his face was missing, and the bare skull was exposed beneath decaying flesh. A chill ran down their spines and they gasped in dread and repulsion. The wretch laughed, and snapped his neck. His head slumped to the side, eternally preserving his rictus grin.
The kids stood petrified with blank expressions until Karen broke the awkward silence. “We are going to die! What were you thinking? It’s not enough that you had to make a fool of yourself in public and get yourself into trouble, you had to drag me into this! If you weren’t so insistent on going about like a half-elf, instead of being sensible like me and–“
“And what? Pretend to be one of them? I am what I am Karen, and I will make no apologies for that. I can proudly claim two noble histories as my own. That is nothing to be ashamed of. When you hide what you are, you are not appeasing the humans, you are betraying them. You betray them, and the elves!”
“Obviously you cannot be reasoned with, but consider this: we are trapped in the lowest circle of heaven knows what abyss. And whose fault is it? We are going to rot here until we go as crazy as him, over there!”
Karen pointed at a man in the opposite cell who was continuously banging his head into the wall and cackling. He shouted the same nonsense syllable over and over again between laughs. “Leet! Leet! Leet!”
“Alex you’ve always been a pain but now…” Karen’s voice trailed off and she fainted.
Alex caught her and as he did, he noticed something on her arm. He took a second look, and saw that it was a symbol he did not recognize, shining as if with the white light of a star. It then faded away, leaving Karen’s skin marked by its shape as she came to.
“What…what happened?”
“You fainted, and then this symbol showed up on your arm.”
“Huh?” She saw the mark. “Just great, I have an elven tattoo now.”
“Well, on the bright side, you can pretend to be an elf if you want,” Alex said in a cutting tone.
“Ha. Ha. So funny. But we’re still in here remember, and I don’t see us getting out.”
“Well, when the guards captured us, their captain mentioned some knights called Telessars who might help us. Unfortunately, I think it’s a trap.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean when these Telessar Knights come to rescue us, the captain will use it to accuse us and them with treason, jailbreaking, and only the Powers know what else. I’m getting the feeling that whoever these Telessars are, they’re powerful, and the king’s men don’ like them even though the king himself doesn’t seem to mind them.”
“So what do we do?”
“You explain to me how this happened,” a deep voice said from near the prison entrance. Alex could make out the silhouette of a tall, strong-looking man, flanked by another who appeared equally as strong, though not as tall.
“Who are you?”
“We are the Knights Telessar, but I believe you know us by different names.” The figures stepped closer, and Alex recognized them at last.
“Dad?”
———————————————
Your thoughts?
What do you think?
I like how this chapter ends. But if Alex recognises all of the figures, why does he only name one of them? Or you could have him recognising the voice (which I presume is his father) before he is able to recognise their faces. That could give you a good lead off to a brief description of the characters in the next chapter. I think if you end with dialogue here, people might expect you to continue with dialogue.
Also, what’s significant about an elven tattoo? Tattoos are normally put on your skin, but this one shows up by itself (or at least I assume so, if Karen doesn’t know about it). How is this different? I’m not sure how to remedy this because telling the reader what it is might interfere with the flow, so I might suggest dropping it for the moment (Alex made a mental note to ask about the symbol later. At the moment, he had other concerns. “How are we supposed to get out of here?” Karen demanded . . . and so on).
The symbol becomes important later. Both Karen’s parents and Alex’s parents recognize it. I’n not going to tell exactly how its important right here/now, but it’ll be in the next chapter probably. All I can say is that it’s a really important symbol and it means something important for Karen. I’m hoping that the {reader} will make a mental note of that detail, because it comes back later. I do that alot. Seemingly trivial things end up becoming very important, or at least ironic later.
Hmm. I would still suggest giving it a smaller mention. It doesn’t seem very relevant to the current scene.
I felt like I was slapped in the face by a thesaurus in the beginning. Lots of alternative words.
Other than that I liked it, I especially like the half-rotted psycho. Psychos rule.
Score!
reminder
My semester ends on the 19th, so I have academic work to handle. I’ll try to get to it before then, but I’m looking at probably 50 pages of political science research papers and 10 pages of philosophy.
No big deal. I’ll just remind you every now and then. Thanks!
Reminder!
Btw, how are your academic loads doing? If you’re ready, I have about a chapter & a half I’d like your comments on. Oh, and you can somewhat ignore the draft of chapter 4 above, I’ve made a few changes, mostly grammatical, style, flow, etc.
?
Sorry, but over finals week I’m spending only about an hour a day on SN. Until the 20th, I don’t anticipate that I’ll have a chance to do any in-depth reviews. Sorry! Thanks for your patience in these very hectic times.
No problem.
To be clear, this is chapter 3. The last thing I submitted for review was split into two chapters per your suggestion. Also please ignore the version of this above. I have since made changes.
———————————————
Chapter Three: House of Horror
The Watchtower of Nezar was a fortress deemed impregnable by most. It and the Watchtower of Polassar were the most heavily fortified positions in all of Princepia and, some believed, in the entire world. As Alex and Karen crested the hill it sat upon, they gazed up in both awe and fear of the spiraling ziggurat. The Watchtower was not only a famous garrison, but an infamous prison. Those who were taken in, usually for treason, seldom returned. The heavy ramparts, the deadly-looking spires, the ever-watching arrow slits, and the hungrily gaping, toothy portcullis all screamed one message: death. Once you entered that dark pit of despair, all hope was forever lost. Alex and Karen gasped simultaneously, yanking in vain desperation at their chains. The guards laughed coarsely at their fear.
“What’s that lad? Scared of the tower?” one guard snickered.
“Don’t worry miss, there’s nothing much to be afraid of. We won’t rough you up…too badly,” another snorted. They again burst into a grating cacophony of cackles and guffaws.
Alex ground his teeth in humiliation. He wanted more than anything in the world to unleash his power upon the base guards, but he had used all of his energy fighting Karen. He was stuck without his abilities for twenty-four hours and, from what he could see, Karen was in the same predicament. After the gate, the guards led them down, down into the shadows. Once they came to the bottom of a great flight of stairs and had passed a thick iron door, Alex and Karen saw the abomination that they had before only heard about. The floor and walls were littered with rusted shackles, rotting skeletons lay prostate and defeated in cells alongside living prisoners, reminding them of the fate they would share. The ravings of madmen were scrawled on walls with both chalk and blood. Rats scurried among the prisoners, nipping at their ankles as if they were too impatient to wait on the slow work of death. There was a powerful stench that made Alex double over, reeking of feces, vermin, blood, and putrefaction. Karen looked ready to vomit. The odor was so forceful that it seemed to weigh down the very air, making it difficult to breathe, and even sticking to Alex’s tongue. He could not only smell, but taste the repugnance, as if he himself were feasting beside the rats on the carcasses of men. Dead men who had no more tales to tell. There was a morbid silence, punctuated sporadically by the cries of those who had lost all hope. Some were tortured by the cruel Hellhounds, as the guards of this level were called, but yet others were tortured by their own minds. This was the Watchtower’s dungeon, nicknamed by many the House of Horror. Alex and Karen struggled violently to escape their captors, but were subdued by blows from the guards. The were dragged roughly to a cell and thrown in. The iron bars grated against the cold stone floor and then closed with a clank of finality.
“On behalf of the king, do enjoy your stay!” The guards walked away with crude laughter.
Alex and Karen stood awkwardly in the middle of their…accommodations. Alex wandered over to a wall of the cell, kicking at the rats in his way. He wandered a little too close.
“Hi,” a raspy voice said. Alex jumped back from the wall as he and Karen stared in terror at the voice’s source. A cadaverous man was chained there, grinning in the pale light. “Look kiddies,” he croaked. “There’s only two types o’people in this hellhole: the dying, and the dead.”
He turned his head, and Alex and Karen saw vaguely in the darkness. Half of his face was missing, and the bare skull was exposed beneath decaying flesh. A chill ran down their spines and they gasped in dread and repulsion. The wretch laughed, and snapped his neck. His head slumped to the side as his haunting rictus grin was eternally preserved in death.
The kids stood petrified with blank expressions until Karen broke the awkward silence. “We are going to die! What were you thinking? It wasn’t enough that you had to make a fool of yourself in public and get into trouble; you had to drag me into this! If you weren’t so insistent on going about like a half-elf, instead of being sensible like me and–”
“And what? Pretend to be one of them? I am what I am Karen, and I will make no apologies for that. I can proudly claim two noble histories as my own. That is nothing to be ashamed of. When you hide what you are, you are not appeasing the humans, you are betraying them. You betray them, and the Elves!”
“Obviously you cannot be reasoned with, but consider this: we are trapped in the lowest circle of heaven knows what abyss. And whose fault is it? We are going to rot here until we go as crazy as him, over there!”
Karen pointed at a man in another cell who was continuously banging his head into the wall and cackling. He shouted the same nonsense syllable over and over again between laughs. “Leet! Leet! Leet!”
“Alex you’ve always been a pain, but now…” Karen’s voice trailed off and she fainted.
Alex caught her and as he did, he noticed something on her right arm. He took a second look, and saw that it was a symbol he did not recognize, shining as if with the white light of a star. It resembled a glowing eye, vigilant, wise, and perhaps divine. The symbol then faded away, leaving Karen’s skin marked by its shape as she came to.
“What…what happened?”
“You fainted, and then this symbol showed up on your arm. I think it’s elven.”
“Huh?” She saw the mark. “Just great, I have an elven tattoo now.”
“Well, on the bright side, you can pretend to be an elf if you want,” Alex said in a cutting tone.
“Ha. Ha. So funny. But we’re still in here remember, and I don’t see us getting out.”
“Well, when the guards captured us, their captain mentioned some knights called Telessars who might help us. Unfortunately, I think it’s a trap.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean when these Telessar Knights come to rescue us, the captain will use it to accuse us and them with treason, jailbreaking, and only the Powers know what else. I’m getting the feeling that whoever these Telessars are, they’re powerful, and disliked by the king’s men even though the king doesn’t seem to mind them much.”
“So what do we do?”
“You explain to me how this happened,” a deep voice said from near the prison entrance. Alex could make out the silhouette of a tall, strong-looking man, flanked by another who appeared equally as strong, though not as tall. Both were wearing long black coats.
“Who are you?”
“We are the Knights Telessar, but I believe you know us by different names.” As he figures stepped closer, and Alex recognized them at last.
“Dad?”
———————————————
Note: the “nonsense syllable” is a reference to a guy at my school and therefore an in-joke. Don’t bother trying to get it. I will probably change it to something more universal, like “Spam! Spam! Spam!” Nobody likes spam. Lol. Suggestions for this?
Your thoughts?
I also would like to say that my vision of Raphael (Karen’s Dad) has change a bit. His attitude is going to be a far cry from the stuffy, professional Brit I originally envisioned, and now the way he talks is more a take on Australian. Interestingly enough, I didn’t set out trying to write an Aussie accent. It just kinda happened. There aren’t even any “dead giveaways” that it’s supposed to be Aussie. That’s just how I “hear” it. Weird. But that’s not till chapter four. Let’s deal with # 3 first.
What’s the difference between the previous version?
little things mostly. a word here, a word there. Typo corrections.
I describe the mark in more detail here.
Well, B.Mac can give you the in-depth. Personally, I like it. Description is strong if not a little thesaurus crazy.
I read a Critters submission that was really good it was called “Space Taggers”, so you could knew I would love it, space and graffiti go together like orange and purple. (sure those colors don’t technically go together, but they look nice to me)
Did you see my head I drew? I’d like your opinion on it. It’s here in this section:
http://www.superheronation.com/2008/12/17/how-much-do-comic-book-writers-make/
BTW, Welcome back, you’ve been gone for a bit.
Thanks. It feels good to be back.
Well?
It’s there. Also, look me up on DeviantArt. It’s ok if you dont have an account. I’d like you to check out my stuff there so far, mostly my drawing of Karen and my drawing of Ducal Valdar. My DA name is EmissaryofFire.
So that’d be http://www.emissaryoffire.deviantart.com
I have an account.
Chapter 3, posted above.
http://www.superheronation.com/2007/11/28/an-in-depth-forum-for-bretts-work/#comment-14158
Remind-O-Gram! (See above.)
I don’t mean to come off as insistent, it’s just that I think there’s been a surge of comments lately and I’m trying to stay on the recent list.
Formatting these comments is kind of hurting my hands, so I’m going to try a more plain style here. If that’s an issue, I can go back to the original style.
Chapter Three: House of Horror
–”deemed impregnable by most” could probably be smoother, more stylish or both. Smoother: “widely thought to be impregnable.” More stylish: “known affectionately by law-abiding citizens as “The Abyss.” [Because no one that goes in ever comes out.] A little bit of both: “with walls built to stop a ballista bolt. Not for lack of trying, either.”
–This paragraph is very long. For a kind of intense paragraph, I’d recommend breaking it up at some point. (Possibly when they are actually brought to their cell).
–This description is pretty good, but a lot of it seems kind of removed from the situation (The House of Horror, for example0.
“On behalf of the king, do enjoy your stay!” The guards walked away with crude laughter.
–Haha.
–Umm, hmm. Is it really wise to leave magically-gifted prisoners alone? heh heh.
Alex and Karen stood awkwardly in the middle of their…accommodations. Alex wandered over to a wall of the cell, kicking at the rats in his way. He wandered a little too close.
–The ellipsis here is a bit awkward.
–It may help to show this through one of the kid’s perspectives rather than both.
–I’m a bit confused at where and what the guy talking to them is.
–I think you could probably cut out the guy here and replace him with the guy that says the unintelligible syllable here.
–Alex’s speech here feels a bit pretentious.
–”like me” in Karen’s line could probably be removed. I think it’s implied.
–I’d cut the phrase “obviously you cannot be reasoned with, but consider this”.
–Leet? I hope that isn’t a gamer-geek reference, heh heh. (I used to be a pretty serious Counterstrike player, am still more or less unbeatable at DEFCON, and used to play for a semi-pro DOTA team). I think you could replace the phrase with “He shouted nonsense syllables between laughs.”
–I’d recommend cutting the amount of description on the tattoo. It may be important later on, but it’s probably worth only a sentence or two here.
–The details vigilant, wise and perhaps divine should probably be shown rather than told. What about the eye looks wise?
–I like this last joke a lot.
–Wondering about whether it’s a trap doesn’t seem entirely relevant to their predicament, I think.
–It may help for them to either get used to to the dungeon, or figure out an escape attempt (even a feeble and unsuccessful one).
–Ideally, they do something to get rescued rather than just passive get rescued. It could be as simple as getting a message out of the prison to their parents. I think that would make them less of chosen ones here.
–”when these TKs come to rescue us…” That seems pretty confident. Only a really committed group would break into a supposedly impenetrable fortress, particularly for a stranger.
–I like the way this ended, but I think I’d give the dad more of a personality here.
–I think there’s a typo in “As he figures stepped…” — he should probably be the there.
———————————————
Ah, yeah, don’t worry about reminding me. I had promised that I would get around to it by last night, so I guess I had it coming, heh heh.
Leet was more of a “guy-I-know” reference. Chapter 3 refurbished:
————————
The Watchtower of Nezar was a fortress known far and wide as one of the Twin Bottomless Pits. The second was its northern counterpart, the Watchtower of Polassar. If someone somehow managed to get in, he might as well forget the look of the sun. Those walls were built to withstand the full force of a blasting oil explosion, and the guards demonstrated this every year on the king’s birthday. No foreign army had ever entered, and no prisoner had ever escaped, not for lack of trying, either. As Alex and Karen crested the hill it sat upon, they gazed up in both awe and fear of the spiraling ziggurat. The Watchtower was not only a famous garrison, but an infamous prison. Those who were taken in, usually for treason, seldom returned. The heavy ramparts, the deadly-looking spires, the ever-watching arrow slits, and the hungrily gaping, toothy portcullis all screamed one message: death. Once you entered that dark pit of despair, all hope was forever lost. Alex and Karen gasped simultaneously, yanking in vain desperation at their chains. The guards laughed coarsely at their fear.
“What’s that lad? Scared of the tower?” one guard snickered.
“Don’t worry miss, there’s nothing much to be afraid of. We won’t rough you up…too badly,” another snorted. They again burst into a grating cacophony of cackles and guffaws.
Alex ground his teeth in humiliation. He wanted more than anything in the world to unleash his power upon the base guards, but he had used all of his energy fighting Karen. He was stuck without his abilities for twenty-four hours and, from what he could see, Karen was in the same predicament. After the gate, the guards led them down, down into the shadows.
Once they came to the bottom of a great flight of stairs and had passed a thick iron door, Alex and Karen saw the abomination that they had before only heard about. The floor and walls were littered with rusted shackles, rotting skeletons lay prostate and defeated in cells alongside living prisoners, reminding them of the fate they would share. The ravings of madmen were scrawled on walls with both chalk and blood. Rats scurried among the prisoners, nipping at their ankles as if they were too impatient to wait on the slow work of death.
There was a powerful stench that made Alex double over, reeking of feces, vermin, blood, and putrefaction. Karen looked ready to vomit. The odor was so forceful that it seemed to weigh down the very air, making it difficult to breathe, and even sticking to Alex’s tongue. He could not only smell, but taste the repugnance, as if he himself were feasting beside the rats on the carcasses of men. Dead men who had no more tales to tell.
There was a morbid silence, punctuated sporadically by the cries of those who had lost all hope. Some were tortured by the cruel Hellhounds, as the guards of this level were called, but yet others were tortured by their own minds. This was the Watchtower’s dungeon, nicknamed by many the House of Horror. Alex and Karen struggled violently to escape their captors, but were subdued by blows from the guards. The were dragged roughly to a cell and thrown in. The iron bars grated against the cold stone floor and then closed with a clank of finality.
“On behalf of the king, do enjoy your stay!” The guards walked away with crude laughter.
Alex and Karen stood awkwardly in the middle of their accommodations. Alex wandered over to the left wall of the cell, kicking at the rats in his way. He wandered a little too close.
“Hi,” a raspy voice said. Alex jumped back from the wall as he and Karen stared in terror at the voice’s source. A cadaverous man was chained there, grinning in the pale light. “Look kiddies,” he croaked. “There’s only two types o’people in this hellhole: the dying, and the dead. I’m still deciding!”
He turned his head, and Alex saw vaguely in the darkness. Half of the man’s face was missing, and the bare skull was exposed beneath decaying flesh. A chill ran down their spines and they gasped in dread and repulsion. The wretch laughed, and snapped his neck. His head slumped to the side as his haunting rictus grin was eternally preserved in death.
The kids stood petrified with blank expressions until Karen broke the awkward silence. “We are going to die! What were you thinking? It wasn’t enough that you had to make a fool of yourself in public and get into trouble; you had to drag me into this! If you weren’t so insistent on going about like a half-elf, instead of being sensible and–”
“And what? Pretend to be one of them? I am what I am Karen, and I will make no apologies for that. I will not make myself a betrayer!”
“We are trapped in the lowest circle of heaven knows what abyss. And whose fault is it? We are going to rot here until we look like that talking corpse, or go as crazy as him, over there!”
Karen pointed at a man in another cell who was continuously banging his head into the wall and cackling. He shouted the same nonsense syllable over and over again between laughs.
“Alex you’ve always been a pain, but now…” Karen’s voice trailed off and she fainted.
Alex caught her and as he did, he noticed something on her right arm. He took a second look, and saw that it was an unfamiliar symbol, shining like the white light of a star. It resembled an ethereal glowing eye, an ever-vigilant, limpid pool of wisdom, deep and entrancing. It then faded away, leaving Karen’s skin marked by its shape as she came to.
“What…what happened?”
“You fainted, and then this symbol showed up on your arm. I think it’s elven.”
“Huh?” She saw the mark. “Just great, I have an elven tattoo now.”
“Well, on the bright side, you can pretend to be an elf if you want,” Alex said in a cutting tone.
“Ha. Ha. So funny. But we’re still in here remember, and I don’t see us getting out.”
“Well, when the guards captured us, their captain mentioned some knights called Telessars who might help us. Unfortunately, I think it’s a trap.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean when these Telessar Knights come to rescue us, the captain will use it to accuse us and them with treason, jailbreaking, and only the Powers know what else. I’m getting the feeling that whoever these Telessars are, they’re powerful, and disliked by the king’s men even though the king doesn’t seem to mind them much.”
“So what do we do? You seem so confident that these Telessars can break into a prison that makes even barbarians shrink in fear, and yet we don’t even know if these Knights are in town. And even if they are, we don’t know for sure if they know that we exist. Supposing they do, we aren’t the least bit certain they even care! And assuming that all these facts line up perfectly, what makes you think they can break into this Bottomless Pit?”
“Oh, wow. I didn’t think about that.”
“Obviously not. So, I ask again, what do we do?”
“Well, while we were being taken away, I managed to use the last of my energy to engrave a short message on a stone wall we passed. If these Knights exist in Mora, and care, they should notice. If they don’t, we’ll have to make our own escape tonight. Whenever night is in this place. First, to get the guard’s attention, we light up old two-face over here,” he pointed to the grinning cadaver on the wall. “If you help, I think we can manage it. When the guard comes running, hopefully without backup, we shake him down for the keys.”
“That’s it? Do you think it’ll work?”
“At this point, that’s irrelevant. But we sure will try.”
“As clever as your plan is, I have a better and easier idea,” a deep voice said from near the prison entrance. “Why don’t you just explain to me how this happened,” Alex could make out the silhouette of a tall, strong-looking man, flanked by another who appeared equally as strong, though not as tall. Both were wearing long black coats.
“Who are you?”
“We are the Knights Telessar, but I believe you know us by different names.” As the figures stepped closer, and Alex recognized them at last.
“Dad?”
———————————–
Question: Is it necessary to use the phrase “house of horror” in-chapter in order to keep the title? If not, I can remove it.
Your thoughts?
Oops! Forgot brackets 4 italics:
————————-
“So what do we do? You seem so confident that these Telessars can break into a prison that makes even barbarians shrink in fear, and yet we don’t even know if these Knights are in town. And even if they are, we don’t know for sure if {they} know that {we} exist. Supposing they do, we aren’t the least bit certain they even care! And assuming that all these facts line up perfectly, what makes you think they can break into this Bottomless Pit?”
see above
I’m guessing you didn’t notice the rewrite. Up there.
–The word Twin could probably be removed in the first sentence.
–possible rephrasing: “the look of the sun” –> “what the sun looked like.”
–Is the second sentence necessary? I think it might help to focus on the tower that they’re in.
–I like the phrase “No foreign army had ever entered, and no prisoner had ever escaped,” but the final clause (not for lack of trying, either) is a bit awkward.
–Can a ziggurat spiral?
–The detail that most of the prisoners are in there for treason… is that necessary? It feels like a kind of awkward insertion there.
–”all screamed one message” is kind of a mixed metaphor.
–”one message: death” is a bit melodramatic.
–I love the detail about testing the walls on the King’s birthday.
–I like the phrase “laughed coarsely.”
Alex ground his teeth in humiliation. He wanted more than anything in the world to unleash his power upon the base guards, but he had used all of his energy fighting Karen. He was stuck without his abilities for twenty-four hours and, from what he could see, Karen was in the same predicament. After the gate, the guards led them down, down into the shadows.
–”base guards.” Base could probably be removed.
–I’d replace “twenty-four hours” with “a day” or “the day”. If this is a clear and recurring limit for him, I’d recommend introducing it a bit earlier as well.
–”littered with rusted shackles, rotting skeletons lay prostate…” Is that a run-on? I think the comma after shackles could possibly be made into a period.
–”wait on the slow work of death.” Possible rephrase: “wait for them to die.”
There was a powerful stench that made Alex double over, reeking of feces, vermin, blood, and putrefaction. Karen looked ready to vomit. The odor was so forceful that it seemed to weigh down the very air, making it difficult to breathe, and even sticking to Alex’s tongue. He could not only smell, but taste the repugnance, as if he himself were feasting beside the rats on the carcasses of men. Dead men who had no more tales to tell.
–”The odor was so forceful that it seemed to weigh down the very air, making it difficult to breath, and even sticking to Alex’s tongue.” Suggested rephrase: “The air was heavy with the stench. It stuck to Alex’s tongue.”
–I’m not sure about the last sentence here.
There was a morbid silence, punctuated sporadically by the cries of those who had lost all hope. Some were tortured by the cruel Hellhounds, as the guards of this level were called, but yet others were tortured by their own minds. This was the Watchtower’s dungeon, nicknamed by many the House of Horror. Alex and Karen struggled violently to escape their captors, but were subdued by blows from the guards. The were dragged roughly to a cell and thrown in. The iron bars grated against the cold stone floor and then closed with a clank of finality.
–”those who had lost all hope” is probably something you could show.
–Is the detail about the Hellhounds necessary?
–”nicknamed by many” seems a bit intrusive. I think you could just take out the final phrase altogether, “nicknamed by many the House of Horror.” The chapter title doesn’t have to reference a particular line in the chapter. I think it’ll be pretty clear what it’s referring to.
–He sounds like a charming individual. Charming like Mora!
–What would you think about “The king welcomes you!”?
–The ironic use of the word accommodations is strong here.
–The added line, “I’m still deciding!” is quite good. I think it offsets the mood nicely.
–suggested rephrase: “I am what I am Karen, and I will make no apologies for that. I will not make myself a betrayer!” –> “I can’t [or won't] apologize for what I am. I’m no traitor!”
“We are trapped in the lowest circle of heaven knows what abyss. And whose fault is it? We are going to rot here until we look like that talking corpse, or go as crazy as him, over there!”
Karen pointed at a man in another cell who was continuously banging his head into the wall and cackling. He shouted the same nonsense syllable over and over again between laughs.
–”The same nonsense syllable” is a bit of a red herring here. Readers will assume that the syllable itself is significant. I’d recommend replacing the phrase with “nonsense syllables”.
“What…what happened?”
–The description of the eye still feels a bit overwrought and not entirely relevant to what’s going on here (although the fainting helps). Your editor may ask you to reduce/remove it or, alternately, tie it more closely to what is going on here.
–It might be better if the guards taunted the kids that it was a trap. That removes the speculation and makes the dramatic question “will the Telessar fall into the trap?”
–This last paragraph is a step in the right direction, with regards to making the kids active rather than the beneficiaries of a deus-ex-parentis. An alternative that relies on less backstory might be having Alex try simmering his hand outside of the cell-window, or starting some sort of fire to generate light/smoke to alert the potential captors where they are. I would recommend having him simmer his hand for a long time, perhaps even all night. Maybe he gives up or just exhausts himself, but I think it’d be dramatic for him to at least try to keep at it as long as he can. I think that would be a bit more dramatic than a sudden rescue.
–”At this point, that’s irrelevant” seems too calm. What do you think about “You and your damn questions!” You could also throw in something like “It’s not as though you have any better ideas.”
“Dad?”
–I’d recommend throwing in a visual detail that helps him identify his father. Hopefully not his eyes or a scar, though.
Here we go again:
———————————-
The Watchtower of Nezar and its northern counterpart, the Watchtower of Polassar, were known far and wide as the Bottomless Pits. If someone somehow managed to get in, he might as well forget the what the sun looked like. Those walls were built to withstand the full force of a blasting oil explosion, and the guards demonstrated this every year on the king’s birthday. No foreign army had ever entered, and no prisoner had ever escaped. As Alex and Karen crested the hill it sat upon, they gazed up in both awe and fear of the gothic fortress. The Watchtower was not only a famous garrison, but an infamous prison. Those who were taken in seldom returned. The heavy ramparts, the deadly-looking spires and minarets, the ever-watching arrow slits, and the hungrily gaping, toothy portcullis all spoke with the whisper of death, breathing a nameless dread. Once one entered that dark pit of despair, all hope was forever lost. Alex and Karen gasped simultaneously, yanking in vain desperation at their chains. The guards laughed coarsely at their fear.
“What’s that lad? Scared of the tower?” one guard snickered.
“Don’t worry miss, there’s nothing much to be afraid of. We won’t rough you up…too badly,” another snorted. They again burst into a grating cacophony of cackles and guffaws.
Alex ground his teeth in humiliation. He wanted more than anything in the world to unleash his power upon the base guards, but he had used all of his energy fighting Karen. He was stuck without his abilities for twenty-four hours and, from what he could see, Karen was in the same predicament. After the gate, the guards led them down, down into the shadows.
Once they came to the bottom of a great flight of stairs and had passed a thick iron door, Alex and Karen saw the abomination that they had before only heard about. The floor and walls were littered with rusted shackles. Rotting skeletons lay prostate and defeated in cells alongside living prisoners, reminding them of the fate they would share. The ravings of madmen were scrawled on walls with both chalk and blood. Rats scurried among the prisoners, nipping at their ankles as if they were too impatient to wait on the slow work of death.
There was a powerful stench that made Alex double over, reeking of feces, vermin, blood, and putrefaction. Karen looked ready to vomit. The stench was heavy in the air, making it difficult to breathe, and even sticking to Alex’s tongue. He could not only smell, but taste the repugnance, as if he himself were feasting beside the rats on the carcasses of men. Dead men who had no more tales to tell.
There was a morbid silence, punctuated sporadically by the cries of those who had lost all hope. Some were tortured by the cruel Hellhounds, as the guards of this level were called, but yet others were tortured by their own minds. Alex and Karen struggled violently to escape their captors, but were subdued by blows from the guards. The were dragged roughly to a cell and thrown in. The iron bars grated against the cold stone floor and then closed with a clank of finality.
“The king welcomes you to the Watchtower dungeon suite! Do enjoy your stay!” The guards walked away with crude laughter.
Alex and Karen stood awkwardly in the middle of their accommodations. Alex wandered over to the left wall of the cell, kicking at the rats in his way. He wandered a little too close.
“Hi,” a raspy voice said. Alex jumped back from the wall as he and Karen stared in terror at the voice’s source. A cadaverous man was chained there, grinning in the pale light. “Look kiddies,” he croaked. “There’s only two types o’people in this hellhole: the dying, and the dead. I’m still deciding!”
He turned his head, and Alex saw vaguely in the darkness. Half of the man’s face was missing, and the bare skull was exposed beneath decaying flesh. A chill ran down their spines and they gasped in dread and repulsion. The wretch laughed, and snapped his neck. His head slumped to the side as his haunting rictus grin was eternally preserved in death.
The kids stood petrified with blank expressions until Karen broke the awkward silence. “We are going to die! What were you thinking? It wasn’t enough that you had to make a fool of yourself in public and get into trouble; you had to drag me into this! If you weren’t so insistent on going about like a half-elf, instead of being sensible and–”
“And what? Pretend to be one of them? I will not apologize for what I am. I am no traitor!”
“We are trapped in the lowest circle of heaven knows what abyss. And whose fault is it? We are going to rot here until we look like that talking corpse, or go as crazy as him, over there!”
Karen pointed at a man in another cell who was continuously banging his head into the wall and cackling. He shouted nonsense syllables over and over again between laughs.
“Alex you’ve always been a pain, but now…” Karen’s voice trailed off and she fainted.
Alex caught her and as he did, he noticed something on her right arm. He took a second look, and saw that it was an unfamiliar symbol, shining like the white light of a star. It resembled an ethereal glowing eye, an ever-vigilant, limpid pool of wisdom, deep and entrancing. Alex remembered Karen’s sudden strength during the conflict with the guards earlier. She had fainted then as well. The two events had to be related. Great, he thought. If she keeps fainting like this, we’ll never make it out of here. The symbol then faded away, leaving Karen’s skin marked by its shape as she came to.
“What…what happened?”
“You fainted, and then this symbol showed up on your arm. I think it’s elven.”
“Huh?” She saw the mark. “Just great, I have an elven tattoo now.”
“Well, on the bright side, you can pretend to be an elf if you want,” Alex said in a cutting tone.
“Ha. Ha. So funny. But we’re still in here remember, and I don’t see us getting out.”
“Well, when the guards captured us, their captain mentioned some knights called Telessars who might help us. Unfortunately, I think it’s a trap.”
At that moment, a guard was passing by on his way to another cell. He laughed at Alex’s deduction. “Of course it’s a trap, boy. The Knights have a way of getting away with things, but no one escapes the tower! Even better, they’ll look like criminals when they try to rescue you. The king will order their destruction, you’ll be executed, and then we’ll drink until the kingdom runs dry!” He then laughed boisterously as he continued on his way.
“Well, he was charming,” Karen said after the guard was out of earshot. “So that’s their plan, then?
“Yeah. When these Telessar Knights come to rescue us, the captain will use it to accuse us and them with treason, jailbreaking, and only the Powers know what else. Somehow I’m getting the feeling that whoever these Telessars are, they’re powerful, and disliked by the king’s men even though the king doesn’t seem to mind them much.”
“So what do we do? You seem so confident that these Telessars can break into a prison that makes even barbarians shrink in fear, and yet we don’t even know if these Knights are in town. And even if they are, we don’t know for sure if they know that we exist. Supposing they do, we aren’t the least bit certain they even care! And assuming that all these facts line up perfectly, what makes you think they can break into this Bottomless Pit?”
“Oh, wow. I didn’t think about that.”
“Obviously not. So, I ask again, what do we do?”
“Well, while we were being taken away, I managed to use the last of my energy to engrave a short message on a stone wall we passed. If these Knights exist in Mora, and care, they should notice. If they don’t, we’ll have to make our own escape tonight. Whenever night is in this place. First, to get the guard’s attention, we light up old two-face over here,” he pointed to the grinning cadaver on the wall. “If you help, I think we can manage it. When the guard comes running, hopefully without backup, we shake him down for the keys.”
“That’s it? Do you think it’ll work?”
“Will you shut up? I don’t know if it’ll work, but we can at least try. If you have any brilliant ideas, I’d like to hear them. In the mean time, why don’t you muster up some energy and shine a light out of the cell window. Maybe someone will see.”
“We’re like two stories underground. There is no window, genius!”
“As clever as your plans are, I have a better and easier idea,” a deep voice said from near the prison entrance. “Why not just explain to me how this happened,” Alex could make out the silhouette of a tall, strong-looking man, flanked by another who appeared equally as strong, though not as tall. Both were wearing long black coats.
“Who are you?”
“We are the Knights Telessar, but I believe you know us by different names.” The figures stepped closer. Alex strained his eyes and saw, just barely, the strong hands that had so often guided him. He knew those hands, like larger versions of his own.
“Dad?”
—————————–
Please note that when Alex gets angry, I’m going to have him start speaking kind of like his dad, namely, without use of contractions. I hope that isn’t too awkward.
You will notice some inconsistencies in that regard. I made the changes to the manuscript after I posted. My bad.
reminder post
once more. trying to stay on the recent list.
–I’d recommend breaking this paragraph up. Probably starting the next paragraph with “The Watchtower was not only a famous garrison, but an infamous prison.”
–Polassar is included a bit more smoothly in this version.
–”Those walls” is a bit awkward. Maybe “The walls” or “Their walls”?
–I like the new phrase “all spoke with the whisper of death.”
–I’d recommend changing “twenty-four hours” to “a day” here because twenty-four hours sounds, I think, a bit too precise and scientific.
–”Dead men who had no more tales to tell” still doesn’t quite fit in with the kind of somber, despairing mood.
–Depending on the age of your intended audience, you might want to replace sporadically with occasionally.
–Not sure about naming the guards Hellhounds. Is it a necessary detail? Unless it is, I wouldn’t ask readers to try to remember it. Unless it comes up in later chapters, I don’t think it adds enough to this chapter.
–”the Watchtower dungeon” could probably be replaced with “your”.
–OK.
–”Alex you’ve always been a pain” should have a comma after Alex, I think.
–I think there are too many clauses in the sentence that describes what the star looks like. “An ethereal glowing eye, an ever-vigilant, limpid pool of wisdom, deep and entrancing.” That’s four. I’d recommend cutting it down to two. Also, on a vocabulary level I’m not sure how many readers will know what a limpid pool is, or how to connect that to wisdom. If you’re writing for readers younger than 25, I’d recommend simplifying the words here.
–I think this is smoother.
–I’d recommend tweaking “you can pretend to be an elf if you want” to the shorter “now you can pretend to be an elf.”
–This second paragraph seems to explain things that we already know.
–”And even if they are, we don’t know for sure if they know that we exist. Supposing they do, we aren’t the least bit certain they even care!” could be shortened to “Even if they knew we existed, we aren’t the least bit certain they care!”
–I like this, but if they’re underground then he would presumably know that there’s no window. Heh heh.
–The use of the word “like” here makes her sound a bit like a valley girl.
–Alex’s father doesn’t seem particularly urgent here. If I were him, I’d break out first and then get the explanation later.
“Who are you?”
“We are the Knights Telessar, but I believe you know us by different names.” The figures stepped closer. Alex strained his eyes and saw, just barely, the strong hands that had so often guided him. He knew those hands, like larger versions of his own.
“Dad?”
—————————–
Please note that when Alex gets angry, I’m going to have him start speaking kind of like his dad, namely, without use of contractions. I hope that isn’t too awkward.
Going for an explanation was supposed to make him seem fatherly. You know, “What on earth are you doing in this prison cell, young man?!”
The explanation is important though, so may be move it until after they break the cell lock?
Also, they didn’t really break in, they entered under false pretenses of a parley so that they would be allowed in. They violate that parley later.
Thoughts?
Rewrite again:
————————
The Watchtower of Nezar and its northern counterpart, the Watchtower of Polassar, were known far and wide as the Bottomless Pits. If someone somehow managed to get in, he might as well forget the what the sun looked like. The walls were built to withstand the full force of a blasting oil explosion, and the guards demonstrated this every year on the king’s birthday. No foreign army had ever entered, and no prisoner had ever escaped. As Alex and Karen crested the hill it sat upon, they gazed up in both awe and fear of the gothic fortress.
The Watchtower was not only a famous garrison, but an infamous prison. Those who were taken in seldom returned. The heavy ramparts, the deadly-looking spires and minarets, the ever-watching arrow slits, and the hungrily gaping, toothy portcullis all spoke with the whisper of death, breathing a nameless dread. Once one entered that dark pit of despair, all hope was forever lost. Alex and Karen gasped simultaneously, yanking in vain desperation at their chains. The guards laughed coarsely at their fear.
“What’s that lad? Scared of the tower?” one guard snickered.
“Don’t worry miss, there’s nothing much to be afraid of. We won’t rough you up…too badly,”
another snorted. They again burst into a grating cacophony of cackles and guffaws.
Alex ground his teeth in humiliation. He wanted more than anything in the world to unleash his power upon the base guards, but he had used all of his energy fighting Karen. He was stuck without his abilities for the entire span of a day and, from what he could see, Karen was in the same predicament. After the gate, the guards led them down, down into the shadows.
Once they came to the bottom of a great flight of stairs and had passed a thick iron door, Alex and Karen saw the abomination that they had before only heard about. The floor and walls were littered with rusted shackles. Rotting skeletons lay prostate and defeated in cells alongside living prisoners, reminding them of the fate they would share. The ravings of madmen were scrawled on walls with both chalk and blood. Rats scurried among the prisoners, nipping at their ankles as if they were too impatient to wait on the slow work of death.
There was a powerful stench that made Alex double over, reeking of feces, vermin, blood, and putrefaction. Karen looked ready to vomit. The stench was heavy in the air, making it difficult to breathe, and even sticking to Alex’s tongue. He could not only smell, but taste the repugnance, as if he himself were feasting beside the rats on the carcasses of men.
There was a morbid silence, punctuated occasionally by the cries of those who had lost all hope. Some were tortured by the cruel Hellhounds, as the guards of this level were called, but yet others were tortured by their own minds. Alex and Karen struggled violently to escape their captors, but were subdued by blows from the guards. The were dragged roughly to a cell and thrown in. The iron bars grated against the cold stone floor and then closed with a clank of finality.
“The king welcomes you to your suite! Do enjoy your stay!” The guards walked away with crude laughter.
Alex and Karen stood awkwardly in the middle of their accommodations. Alex wandered over to the left wall of the cell, kicking at the rats in his way. He wandered a little too close.
“Hi,” a raspy voice said. Alex jumped back from the wall as he and Karen stared in terror at the voice’s source. A cadaverous man was chained there, grinning in the pale light. “Look kiddies,” he croaked. “There’s only two types o’people in this hellhole: the dying, and the dead. I’m still deciding!”
He turned his head, and Alex saw vaguely in the darkness. Half of the man’s face was missing, and the bare skull was exposed beneath decaying flesh. A chill ran down their spines and they gasped in dread and repulsion. The wretch laughed, and snapped his neck. His head slumped to the side as his haunting rictus grin was eternally preserved in death.
The kids stood petrified with blank expressions until Karen broke the awkward silence. “We are going to die! What were you thinking? It wasn’t enough that you had to make a fool of yourself in public and get into trouble; you had to drag me into this! If you weren’t so insistent on going about like a half-elf, instead of being sensible and–”
“And what? Pretend to be one of them? I will not apologize for what I am. I am no traitor!”
“We are trapped in the lowest circle of heaven knows what abyss. And whose fault is it? We are going to rot here until we look like that talking corpse, or go as crazy as him, over there!”
Karen pointed at a man in another cell who was continuously banging his head into the wall and cackling. He shouted nonsense syllables over and over again between laughs.
“Alex, you’ve always been a pain, but now…” Karen’s voice trailed off and she fainted.
Alex caught her and as he did, he noticed something on her right arm. He took a second look, and saw that it was an unfamiliar symbol, shining like the white light of a star. It resembled an ethereal glowing eye, deep and entrancing. Alex remembered Karen’s sudden strength during the conflict with the guards earlier. She had fainted then as well. The two events had to be related.
{Great}, he thought. {If she keeps fainting like this, we’ll never make it out of here.} The symbol then faded away, leaving Karen’s skin marked by its shape as she came to.
“What…what happened?”
“You fainted, and then this symbol showed up on your arm. I think it’s elven.”
“Huh?” She saw the mark. “Just great, I have an elven tattoo now.”
“Well, on the bright side, now you can pretend to be an elf,” Alex said in a cutting tone.
“Ha. Ha. So funny. But we’re still in here remember, and I don’t see us getting out.”
“Well, when the guards captured us, their captain mentioned some knights called Telessars who might help us. Unfortunately, I think it’s a trap.”
At that moment, a guard was passing by on his way to another cell. He laughed at Alex’s deduction. “Of course it’s a trap, boy. The Knights have a way of getting away with things, but no one escapes the tower! Even better, they’ll look like criminals when they try to rescue you. The king will order their destruction, you’ll be executed, and then we’ll drink until the kingdom runs dry!” He then laughed boisterously as he continued on his way.
“Well, he was charming,” Karen said after the guard was out of earshot. “So that’s their plan, then?
“Yeah. Somehow I’m getting the feeling that whoever these Telessars are, they’re powerful, and disliked by the king’s men even though the king doesn’t seem to mind them much.”
“So what do we do? You seem so confident and yet we don’t even know if these Knights are in town, or if they know that we exist. Even if they did, we aren’t the least bit certain they care! Besides, what makes you think they can break into this Bottomless Pit?”
“Oh, wow. I didn’t think about that.”
“Obviously not. So, I ask again, what do we do?”
“Well, while we were being taken away, I managed to use the last of my energy to engrave a short message on a stone wall we passed. If these Knights exist in Mora, and care, they should notice. If they don’t, we’ll have to make our own escape tonight. Whenever night is in this place. First, to get the guard’s attention, we light up old two-face over here,” he pointed to the grinning cadaver on the wall. “If you help, I think we can manage it. When the guard comes running, hopefully without backup, we shake him down for the keys.”
“That’s it? Do you think it’ll work?”
“Will you shut up? I do not know if it will work, but we can at least try. If you have any brilliant ideas, I would love to hear them. In the mean time, why not muster up some energy and shine a light out of the cell window. Maybe someone will see.”
“We’re like two stories underground. There is no window, genius!”
“As clever as your plans are, I have a better and easier idea,” a deep voice said from near the prison entrance. “We break you out, and then you will explain to me how this happened,” Alex could make out the silhouette of a tall, strong-looking man, flanked by another who appeared equally as strong, though not as tall. Both were wearing long black coats.
“Who are you?”
“We are the Knights Telessar, but I believe you know us by different names.” The figures stepped closer. Alex strained his eyes and saw, just barely, the strong hands that had so often guided him. He knew those hands, like larger versions of his own.
“Dad?”
–I think that splitting the first paragraph into two worked out nicely.
–I’m not quite sure what to make of her responding that “We are trapped in the lowest circle of heaven knows what abyss. And whose fault is it?” It doesn’t seem to follow very logically from his objection that denying what he is would make him a traitor.
–”Somehow I’m getting the feeling that whoever these Telessars are, they’re powerful, and disliked by the king’s men even though the king doesn’t seem to mind them much.” Suggested revision: “It sounds like the king’s men hate these Telessars even though the king doesn’t mind them all that much.” As for the powerful part, I think that’s probably understood. (You wouldn’t bother laying a trap for a really weak adversary, right?)
–I’d recommend handling the engraving as front-story.
–”without backup” sounds very modern. What would you think about making that just “alone”?
–Aside from these mostly minor plot-adjustments and the recurring issues from before, I think you’re probably ready to proceed here.
Yo, Brett how much writing have you done, total, for your story? it seems like alot.
I’m not in a writing mood right now, but I can feel that it will come later today so I’m probably gonna get another third done by the end of today.
You’re probably right about the logical flow thing. But they are teenagers, not much logic there. Her asserting that argument rather than responding to his fits her personality I think. Do you think I need a bridge line there?
You could make it a little more logical by having Karen point out they wouldn’t be in the Watchtower if Alex hadn’t started their fight.
To RB:
In total, I have written about 10 & 3/4 chapters, but 4 of those are my old, crappy intro which is being replaced by the new, better intro. Another two are chapters 8 and 9, which were originally 5 & 6. They followed the crappy intro, but I moved them back to * & 9 because I’ve revamped my plot. Interestingly enough, chapters 6 & 7 aren’t written yet, so 8 & 9 will need some tweaking to come up to my standards now. Also, I’ve finished the chapter 4 that comes after this chapter 3, and I’m halfway through chapter 5. I am also 1/4 way through chapter ten. Hope my skipping about isn’t confusing.
Also, as a preview of chapters 4 & 5, I’ll just say that my intent was to dial up the bada**ery meter. Hope you’ll like it. I may post it today.
how could I bring the engraving into the foreground?
Wow, you’ve got alot done.
Hmm. Describe it as it happens? For example, maybe he engraves a series of arrows into the wall as he’s being taken to his cell. (He’d have to avoid the guards noticing, though).
How can I do that without interrupting the flow? Maybe Karen notices flashes of lght from Alex’s fingers every now and then?
Here comes Chapter 4: Escape from the abyss.
Also note: Raphael sounds Aussie to me. I didn’t write him that way, he just does. Anyone know why?
—————————
Standing before Alex and Karen were none other than their own fathers, Xavier Tafari and Raphael Munashe. Xavier was had noble blue eyes that could pierce the soul of a hardened criminal, short, curly black hair with a few silver strands near the temples, uncanny senses, and a presence that could silence a rabid dog. He spoke with dignity and an air of command.
Raphael, Alex’s uncle, was usually quite jocular, and was known to start cracking wise during high-stress situations in stark contrast to the more stoic Xavier. But at other times he was quiet and reserved, meticulously observing with his intelligent brown eyes. He was warm and accommodating rather than threatening. He commanded the same respect that Xavier did, but by entirely other means.
As the kids looked upon the faces of their fathers, at once their hearts soared and their stomachs sank. They were glad that they had been to rescued, but at the same time, they were not at all excited about the explaining they would have to do.
“Well, do not just stand and gawk. Tell us how this happened. Why are the two of you locked in the Watchtower of Nezar? Somehow, I seem to recall that you, Alex, were sent to the market for vegetables. You, Karen, were sent to ask him to get the extra radishes your mother needed. Frankly, I cannot understand how you could have possibly ended up here, so start talking.”
“Well Dad, I was on my way home with the groceries when Karen stopped me and–”
“Actually, he ignored me when I was trying to tell him about the radishes–”
“You never even mentioned radishes! {You} were too busy–”
Raphael laughed at their argument, but Xavier slammed his fist against the prison bars in impatience.
“Enough! We’ll sort it out when we get home. Raphael, get the cell door.”
Raphael pulled out a vial of glowing liquid about the size of a man’s thumb. “You might want to stand back there. That’s it, away from the bars. It’ll give you a nasty kick if you get too close,” he said. Once the kids were clear, Raphael threw the vial at the lock of the cell door. It exploded with a mute boom and a flash of light, leaving the door dangling precariously on its hinges, open.
Alex stared at the melted iron lock in disbelief. “What is that stuff?”
“I can’t tell you exactly. It’s something we discovered a while ago. More convenient than greypowder and easier to control than blasting oil. Now come on then, your mothers are waiting for you on the ground level.”
“Wait,” Karen said, “Mom’s here too?”
“Well, naturally,” Raphael said with mock annoyance. “There {are} female Knights as well as males, you know.”
Alex’s head was spinning, partly from the explosive vial, and partly from this revelation that he still struggled to understand. “So, wait a minute. What you’re telling us is that you, Dad, Mom, and Aunt Kayla are all members of this Knights Telessar group.”
Raphael chuckled. “You really can be thick-headed at times, Alex. But yes, that’s exactly what we’re telling you.”
Alex then remembered the captain’s words. “Dad, we’ve got to get out of here now!”
“Yes, it’s a trap. I know, Alex.”
“But dad,” Alex explained everything to his father about how he and Karen were arrested, what the captain and lieutenant had said, and, while he was at it, the strange symbol he found on Karen’s arm. “And it’s still there, see?” He held up her arm. Xavier and Raphael stared at her arm intently, as if they recognized the symbol.
“Well, Powers Above…” Raphael said breathlessly.
“Another complication,” Xavier said, furrowing his brow. “We have to meet up with your mothers, and then get out of this tower as quickly as possible. Captain Halifax will jump on the chance to arrest us, and if he can’t find a charge, he’ll make one up. Perhaps we should not have melted the door.”
Raphael laughed. “As if we care. Besides, the guard refused to give us the key. I suppose that was part of Halifax’s plan.”
“And we played right into it.”
“Aye,” Raphael said. “But it was unavoidable, I suppose.”
“Hmm…” Xavier glanced from Alex, to Karen, to the mark on Karen’s arm, to his brother-in-law. “So many things, such little time,” he finally said, turning away and walking towards the stairs. The others followed him.
Somehow, to Alex, the dark winding staircase didn’t seem so threatening and oppressive when one climbed upward, rather than downward. Once they reached the top of the stairs, Xavier opened the door, or at least tried.
“It’s locked from the outside. Raphael, if you would.”
“Do you really think that’s good idea? We’re just giving Halifax more evidence of our ‘jailbreaking’.”
“It’s either that, or we stay in here forever. Open the door.”
“Point taken.” Raphael drew another glowing vial from his sleeve and tossed it at the door, with the same effect. Immediately, there was a clamor outside the door. It was the noise of approaching armed guards.
“Halt, and raise your hands above your heads! Captain Halifax has ordered that no one is to leave the tower, and that the prisoners are to be kept in the dungeon until he…” The guard was stopped mid-sentence by a blow from Xavier’s foot. In the face.
Raphael bent down toward the comatose man and chuckled. “Cheeky thing, wasn’t he? You should’ve roundhoused him harder. And what of the rest of you?” he said, nodding toward the other guards. “Determined to carry out your orders?”
“The Royal Guard is not intimidated by two men and a couple o’kids!” the guard retorted.
Xavier smirked roguishly. “After today, that will change.” He then drew a sword from the inside of his coat. It was about Xavier’s arm length, single-edged, had no crosspiece or guard, and could be wielded with one or both hands. It was also rather undecorated except for a few glyphs on the subtly curved blade. The weapon was designed to be drawn with ease, speed, and efficiency, and those same qualities would also no doubt describe its use. Alex glimpsed Raphael drawing a similar sword about his own arm length from his coat as well.
“Hang on there! We checked you for weapons when you came in!” the guard exclaimed.
Raphael chuckled again. “Hidden pockets, mate. Know’em, love’em.”
“Now,” Xavier said, causing the soldiers to flinch. “You have two options: either you will get out of our way, or we will remove you. Decide quickly. I’m not known for my patience.”
The guards faltered, as if contemplating whether it would be worse to cross the Knights, or their own superiors. And then, the unexpected happened. “Guards, stand down. Lower your weapons.” The guards did as ordered. Two familiar figures stood in the doorway, barring the exit.
Xavier glared at them, as if attempting to read their thoughts through their eyes. “Ah, Captain Halifax and Lieutenant Grader. How kind of you to…intervene. Too kind.” Neither he nor Raphael lowered their swords.
“Indeed, my good Knight. Perhaps someday my kindness will be the end of me. Please, do not spill our blood needlessly. You have what you came for, I believe. Leave this watchtower, and us in peace,” he said with mock desperation. He smiled coldly, like a reptile.
“That was just our plan. Now if you would again be so kind, and direct us toward our wives, we’ll be on our way.”
“Yes, well that’s just the thing. You see– Ah!” Halifax and Grader winced in pain and stepped gingerly forward as two figures, hooded and robed in dark velvet, followed them out of the shadowy doorway. They held swords of similar make to Xavier’s and Raphael’s, if more slender and elegant. Swords that were pricking the officers’ backs.
“Thank you for your hospitality, officers. You have been most gracious hosts,” said the first figure. The voice was female, more beautiful than the song of birds, and flowing with the strength of a mighty river.
“Indeed you have,” the second said, also female. Her voice was cooler and cleaner than frost, yet comforting as the warm rays of the sun. “But I am afraid we must take our leave of you. If you would be so kind as to show us to our horses, and then to the exit, we would be most grateful.” The figures pulled back their hoods to reveal familiar faces with elven ears.
Xavier smiled warmly. “It’s about time the two of you got here. I trust negotiations went well, Rishtaria?”
Rishtaria, the songbird-voiced figure, was Xavier’s wife and Alex’s mother. She had kind glowing, amber eyes and radiant brown hair that flowed down to her back. Everything about her was softness and beauty, concealing an inner strength and dignity that could put monarchs to shame. “Yes, they did. That is, until the good captain tried to detain us against our will. But as you can see, we were able to…persuade him otherwise.”
Raphael chuckled once more. “Was there any blood spilled?”
“Negative, not unless you count two broken noses, six black eyes, and one man who will probably never walk again.” said the frost-voiced figure. She was Raphael’s wife, Kayla, also Rishtaria’s sister and Karen’s mother. She had straight shoulder length black hair, a light, milky skin tone, and sharp, clear grey eyes that could sense both fear and untruth. She was cold and calculating, but nevertheless a loving mother and wife. When necessary, she could put that persona aside.
“What would we ever do without the two of you?” Xavier asked.
“Probably something less than smart.” Rishtaria responded coyly.
“You got that right. And speaking of ‘less than smart,’ Halifax, you should have known better than to stand in the way of a mother protecting her child, not to mention two elves!” Raphael said derisively.
“Sorry to break up this touching and humorous reunion,” Kayla interrupted, “but we really must leave now.”
“Quite right,” Xavier agreed. “Bring our ‘hosts’ along as insurance until we clear the gate.
The whole group, with their captives in tow, headed down to the stable where their horses had been left. Raphael and Xavier saddled their own horses, and then those of their wives, who were currently occupied with restraining the hostages. As soon as their preparations were complete, they rode off. Alex and Karen accompanied Rishtaria and Kayla because they were the lighter riders.
As soon as the four horses left the gate and the portcullis closed, Captain Halifax and Lieutenant Grader came storming up to the ramparts. Halifax smiled evilly.
“Are you just going to let them go, Captain?” the lieutenant asked.
“Hardly, Lieutenant. Hardly.” He then turned to the archers. “All archers, fire on my command.” The men obeyed, taking their positions. “Ready, aim, FIRE!”
A deadly volley of arrows whistled through the air towards the escaping group. Karen screamed.
“Kayla, Rishtaria, if either of you could do something about those arrows, it would be greatly appreciated,” Xavier said with a note of urgency.
The two she-elves raised their hands toward the incoming shafts. Alex heard them speaking in their own language, Duenda. First a prayer, and then a command. “Vistí Rishar, beloi lira vista. Vista Raspa, nísht akura ír mortís rulai! ” Immediately, the torrent of arrows split asunder, and cascaded harmlessly to either side.
Alex was amazed. “How did you do that?”
Rishtaria smiled down at her son. “For tasks greater than our own strength we call upon the Powers Above for aid. They are our Source. Without them, we are powerless.” The group then galloped over the horizon.
But atop the tower, Lieutenant Grader slammed his fists against the ramparts in frustration, while Captain Halifax stood by, almost triumphantly. “They’re escaping, sir. Shouldn’t we command the archers to fire again?”
“No Lieutenant, In fact, I expected them to escape.”
“Expected, sir?”
“Yes, expected. Our case is now foolproof. You see, we took the children in for threatening a human, disturbing the peace, and treason by unauthorized use of sorcery. The Knights, their parents interestingly enough, came to rescue them. In the process they refused to surrender arms under the terms of parley, committed the crimes of jailbreaking and unauthorized alchemy, resisted arrest, threatened the Royal Guard, assaulted two officers and six guardsmen, and are now, at this very moment, fleeing custody. On top of all of this, these Knights have no doubt been intentionally breeding halfling children in order to use their power to upset the kingdom. Such criminals cannot be allowed to {threaten His Majesty’s sovereignty} any more, am I right?”
A glint came into the lieutenant’s eyes as he slowly realized what had been his captain’s plan from the beginning. “No sir, it must not be allowed.”
“Precisely. And as they were kind enough to provide names, we will pay them a visit tomorrow. We will present them with the charges in a most lawful fashion and attempt to take them into custody. From there they would be granted a swift trial and hanged, but, of course, they will resist arrest yet again.”
“Of course, captain.” The lieutenant said with an evil grin.
“And once they do so, we will have no choice but kill them all, burn their houses, and seize their property in the name of the state.”
“No choice at all, captain.”
“Indeed. And once news of this most unfortunate incident reaches His Majesty’s ears, he will no doubt appoint you as head of the Royal Guard here and promote me with the authority to stamp out the threat of these treasonous Knights once and for all.”
“Naturally, captain.”
“Yes, naturally,” said Captain Halifax.
————————————-
Note:
“Vistí Rishar, beloi lira vista. Vista Raspa, nísht akura ír mortís rulai!” translates as:
“Powers Above, grant us strength. Power of Wind, thwart the accuracy of our enemies’ arrows!”
I state this in a footnote.
Thoughts?
I like Captain Halifax. He’s sinister, get’em by the books, not as fun, but effective.
I’m not sold on the footnote idea for translating the Elvish speech. I think that many publishers may respond very negatively to it. I’d recommend something like going straight English for the manuscript. Then, after you get published, you can talk with your editor about what would be the smoothest way to work in the Elvish words.
Yah, can the footnote.
Where did you find an elvin dictionary?
Are you suggesting that the Elvish is unnecessary? I am confused. Does this mean that all the work I’ve poured into fictional languages was for naught because I cant use them? Wouldn’t a direct-English translation be out of place or less dramatic?
Help me out, I’m drowning here.
I created my own Elven Lexicon entitled Tinomeir Duenda. It’s a work in progress. When completed it will have every word or phrase i use in my book and a pronunciation guide. I intend to do the same for Dwarvish and Giantish. Maybe Ptyn-korian, but that language will probably not be spoken in the book. The Ptyn-korians can learn languages through telepathy, so it’s not necessary.
So B.Mac, what of the chapter as a whole?
Was it for naught? Possibly not; your editor might be OK with it. However, I think it’s a detail that might cause some publishers to feel that they’ve lost track of the story. (Made-up words often have that effect). That’s why I’d recommend bringing it up post-publication rather than as part of the original manuscript.
Putting in the Elven language here kind of complicates the story for the reader and forces him to check out the footnote for something that could probably have just been put into English in the first place. I don’t know if the Elven here adds much more than the English would have.
As for the chapter as a whole, it’s kind of Christmas Eve here and I don’t anticipate that I will be able to finish it today or tomorrow.
That’s ok. I just wanted the official statement.
That’s alot of languages, how would a reader not get confused? I think it’s ok to use a made-up language, I was kind of planning on doing a little of that myself. But I was going to make two universal languages: English and Omniton (The universal alien language). But the aliens that come to Earth, for the most part, will speak English.
I think a made-up language is acceptable in a comic.
they would be used in moderation. A character would not have a lengthy conversation it it. Just names and stuff like in the above chapter.
I think that elven in the above chapter is unnecessary. You could just as easily say “She muttered some words in the elven tongue.” That would certainly throw off your audience less. Made up languages are nearly always pretentious and full of words that are difficult to pronounce. I spent a few seconds trying to correctly pronounce those words in my head. I would have much rather been reading further ahead in the story.
Then again, most made-up languages tend to use a pronunciation similar to French; what I think of as airy. Since I only learn German, that always throws me off.
I learned German a long time ago, but it’s been ~7 years since I last spoke it. (My Spanish is even rustier).
In der Zukunft möchte ich Deutsch für Abitur studieren, weil ich es liebe.
Hehe. Almost 7 years of German and I’d still struggle to get around the country. ^^;
[Struggling to translate Holliequ's German]: “In the ???, I want to study German for work… I love German.” What does Zukunft mean, college?
Vistí Rishar, beloi lira vista. Vista Raspa, nísht akura ír mortís rulai
Pronunciation:
Vistee Rish-aar, Bell-o-ee lira vista. Vista Rahspa, neesht akura ear morteece rool-eye.
It seems very straight forward to me. Of course, I am pronunciation gifted. I can figure out almost anything. Do you think I could get away with it? I think so. Tolkien did it. Heck, even the Eragon guy did it, and I know I’m better than he is.
Zukunft = Future, B. Mac. (And Abitur is A-levels, I think, which are a post-highschool qualification here in Britain.) Close though, lol. I only know that one because we did it recently.
@Brett; that’s pretty much what I got for the pronunciation too (be-loy for beloi and eer for ir), but it took me some time. I suggest if you’re going to use the Elvish, keep it to short sentences.
Don’t say, “Suchandsuch did it.” Really. Tolkein was writing mythology, not a story and Eragon is . . . well, a load of rubbish.
Could you get away with it? Probably. Will it make your work better? No. Potentially, the opposite.
Aww, Holliequ, don’t be so negative. I had fun reading it, but of course I went all Robin Williams on it. I have fun doing stupid things depite the fact that I’m not simple-minded. I may be superficial, but I’m not dumb.
I’m going to do a similar thing, but like I said, comics can probably bend the rules a little when it comes to languages.
As I said before, my use of the languages will only be for names, which you cant blame me for, and invocations like above. if they tried to invoke something in Humannic (English), it would sound stupid. So don’t worry. As I said before, there will be no lengthy bits of invented language. I probably won’t have as much of it as Eragon did. In fact, I am finding that it’s less necessary than I thought, but just in case I need it, I don’t want to just delete my entire lexicon.
Oh god, don’t do that anyway! If you’re ever stuck for a name, have a peek in your dictionary and meld something together. Language is a big part of culture, so it’s good that you have it.
:3 RB is right, I’m probably being a little *too* negative. Sorry.
Merry christmas all, by the way! ^_^
Merry Christmas! This time of year is always fun, especially after Christmas when all the candy canes and other sweets go on special. Mmm, discount gingerbread. Haha.
Merry Christmas!! I got an MP3 player, an Xbox 360, Guitar Hero:World Tour and Legend of Rock, and a 200 gift card to the mall.
Hmm. I got a national championship berth, and probably a national championship victory. Possibly a publishing contract on a comic book soon. After seeing Banu’s inked page, I feel very confident. In the way of actual presents, I got a new keyboard. The keys are exceedingly crisp and I’m averaging 100-120 words per minute, which is about 20 wpm faster than my last one. Since I average two or three thousand words a day worth of comments, reviews, papers, e-mails, scripting, etc., the speed and ergonomic difference is actually professionally useful.
Damn! I can barely get past 40 wpm. Probably because I only use four fingers.
Haha, I’m pretty fast with my four fingers. When I’m not on a laptop. I dislike the keyboards immensly.
I’m quick at typing too, but I use my index and middle fingers most, so I’m probably not as quick as you guys are.
To be fair, I’m pretty much a professional typist and I buy hardware to match. I think 60-80 wpm on a casual keyboard is fast enough for the vast majority of writers.
Just to remind you about that chapter when you get a chance.
–Last names necessary?
–”He spoke with dignity and an air of command” is probably something that you could show in dialogue.
–This feels like a long passage of exposition.
–I’d be careful with spending too much time discussing what he usually does. It’s probably not as interesting to the typical reader as what he’s doing right now.
–This paragraph could probably be cut considerably.
–OK.
–I’d recommend cutting out the sentences “I can’t tell you exactly. It’s something we discovered a while ago.” “More convenient than greypowder and easier to control than blasting oil” is a fine answer in itself, but you might want to ad some jocularity if that’s what he’s known for.
“Wait,” Karen said, “Mom’s here too?”
“Well, naturally,” Raphael said with mock annoyance. “There {are} female Knights as well as males, you know.”
–This is probably a good opportunity for some ribbing from Raphael.
–I’d recommend resolving this stuff later. Right now, I’d focus on getting them out of the prison.
–I’d recommend changing this to something like a miffed “Your ears have not failed you.”
–This is something that he should say much sooner. I like the father’s response.
–The detail about remembering the captain’s words is probably unnecessary.
–I wouldn’t recommend bringing the tattoo up now. It doesn’t seem relevant to them breaking out of here.
–He’s repeating himself here, I think. We already know they have to meet up with the mothers and escape.
–Here, the characterization of Raphael swaps with Xavier. If Raphael was carefree about giving them evidence before, he should be the more carefree one here, too. (He was the one that didn’t mind blowing down the first door).
–Too much detail about the swords. We can get this later.
–The kids don’t have a role here. I’d recommend having the parents using them in some way, if only to accomplish some side-goal.
–Mate is a very curiously Australian term. If you’re concerned that he sounds Australian, I’d recommend changing it.
–I’d recommend a funnier retort here. Perhaps something like “next time, check harder.”
–”I’m not known for my patience” could probably be shown through body language. Alternately, you could shorten it to “I won’t wait long.”
–I think the comparison of her voice to birds’ song is a bit cheesy.
–On a more whimsical note, Agent Orange would object to this use of “reptile” to suggest someone is something other than friendly-and-violent. Uhh, in this scene the guard isn’t much of either. Heh heh.
–I think the superlatives here (“comforting as the warm rays of the sun”) is a bit cheesy. I’d recommend a more sober expression.
–I think the use of the word “negative” is good. She has a bit more flavor than the other parents.
–Unrelatedly, the kids seem to have disappeared entirely here.
–Once more could probably be shortened to “again.”
–The last sentence here seems a bit strange. It doesn’t quite fit with the rest of the passage.
–I’d recommend pumping up the style here, otherwise it might be a nicety.
“You got that right. And speaking of ‘less than smart,’ Halifax, you should have known better than to stand in the way of a mother protecting her child, not to mention two elves!” Raphael said derisively.
–You got that right could probably be removed.
“Sorry to break up this touching and humorous reunion,” Kayla interrupted, “but we really must leave now.”
–I’d take out “and humorous.”
–suggested revision: “leave now” –> “be leaving.”
–I don’t think the Elven is necessary here. I agree with the previous commenter that it would be smoother to have the narrator explain that they’re saying Elven words without actually telling us what they are.
–uncapitalize source?
“No Lieutenant, In fact, I expected them to escape.”
“Expected, sir?”
–I like this, but the italics/brackets are probably unnecessary.
–I think this is an intelligent plan.
–The detail about seizing their property seems out of place here.
–This feels a little bit out of place with the description of the Lieutenant from the earlier chapter in which he was the more reasonable of them. Anyway.
“Indeed. And once news of this most unfortunate incident reaches His Majesty’s ears, he will no doubt appoint you as head of the Royal Guard here and promote me with the authority to stamp out the threat of these treasonous Knights once and for all.”
“Naturally, captain.”
“Yes, naturally,” said Captain Halifax.
The Revision
By the way, is it just me, or am I getting better at this? Also, don’t trouble about the Elvish this time. I may remove it, but the decision is pending for now.
————————–
Standing before Alex and Karen were none other than their own fathers, Xavier and Raphael. Xavier was had noble blue eyes that could pierce the soul of a hardened criminal, short, curly black hair with a few silver strands near the temples, uncanny senses, and a presence that could silence a rabid dog.
Raphael, Alex’s uncle, was known to start cracking wise during high-stress situations in stark contrast to the more stoic Xavier. At other times he was quiet and reserved, meticulously observing with his intelligent brown eyes. He was warm and accommodating rather than threatening. He commanded the same respect that Xavier did, but by entirely other means.
As the kids looked upon the faces of their fathers, at once their hearts soared and their stomachs sank. They were glad that they had been to rescued, but at the same time, they were not at all excited about the explaining they would have to do. But just then, Alex remembered something. “Dad, we’ve got to get out of here now!” he said urgently.
“Yes, it’s a trap. I know, Alex. What I do not know, or understand, is how you could have possibly ended up here.”
“Well Dad, I was on my way home with the groceries when Karen stopped me and–”
“Actually, he ignored me when I was trying to tell him about the radishes–”
“You never even mentioned radishes! You were too busy–”
Raphael laughed at their argument, but Xavier slammed his fist against the prison bars in impatience.
“Enough! We’ll sort it out when we get home. Raphael, get the cell door.”
Raphael pulled out a vial of glowing liquid about the size of a man’s thumb. “You might want to stand back there. That’s it, away from the bars. It’ll give you a nasty kick if you get too close,” he said. Once the kids were clear, Raphael threw the vial at the lock of the cell door. It exploded with a mute boom and a flash of light, leaving the door dangling precariously on its hinges, open.
Alex stared at the melted iron lock in disbelief. “What is that stuff?”
“More convenient than greypowder and easier to control than blasting oil. Just don’t drop a vial of it, or you’ll never see your legs again,” He said with a chuckle. “Now come on then, your mothers are waiting for you on the ground level.”
“Wait,” Karen said, “Mom’s here too?”
“Well, naturally,” Raphael said with mock annoyance. “There are female Knights as well as males, you know. Did you honestly think we would turn away some of the world’s best fighters merely because they happened to be women?”
Alex’s head was spinning, partly from the explosive vial, and partly from this revelation that he still struggled to understand. “So, wait a minute. What you’re telling us is that you, Dad, Mom, and Aunt Kayla are all members of this Knights Telessar group.”
Raphael chuckled. “You’re a bit slow, Alex, but you’re certainly not deaf.”
“Captain Halifax will jump on the chance to arrest us, and if he can’t find a charge, he’ll make one up. In retrospect, perhaps we should not have melted the door.”
Raphael laughed. “As if we care. Besides, the guard refused to give us the key. I suppose that was part of Halifax’s plan.”
“And we played right into it.”
“Aye,” Raphael said. “But it was unavoidable, I suppose.”
“Hmm…” Xavier turned away and walked toward the stairs. The others followed him.
Somehow, to Alex, the dark winding staircase didn’t seem so threatening and oppressive when one climbed upward, rather than downward. Once they reached the top of the stairs, Xavier opened the door, or at least tried.
“It’s locked from the outside.”
“Stand clear, Xavier. I’ll get the door.
“Do you really think that’s good idea? We’re just giving Halifax more evidence of our ‘jailbreaking’.”
“It’s either that, or we stay in here forever. While you make up your mind, I’ll be leaving.”
“Point taken.”
Raphael drew another glowing vial from his sleeve and tossed it at the door, with the same effect. Immediately, there was a clamor outside the door. It was the noise of approaching armed guards.
“Halt, and raise your hands above your heads! Captain Halifax has ordered that no one is to leave the tower, and that the prisoners are to be kept in the dungeon until he–” The guard was stopped mid-sentence by a blow from Xavier’s foot. In the face.
Raphael bent down toward the comatose man and chuckled. “Cheeky thing, wasn’t he? You should’ve roundhoused him harder. And what of the rest of you?” he said, nodding toward the other guards. “Determined to carry out your orders?”
“The Royal Guard is not intimidated by two men and a couple o’kids!” the guard retorted. “Now, back in the cell or we’ll–” This guard was also interrupted. This time, the kick came not from Xavier, but from Alex.
Xavier smirked roguishly. “Like father, like son.” He then drew a sword from the inside of his coat. It was about Xavier’s arm length, single-edged and without crosspiece or guard. Alex glimpsed Raphael drawing a similar sword from his coat as well.
“Hang on there! We checked you for weapons when you came in!” the guard exclaimed.
Raphael chuckled again. “Hidden pockets, mate. Why don’t you look closer next time, or do you need spectacles?”
“Now,” Xavier said, causing the soldiers to flinch. “You have two options: either you will get out of our way, or we will remove you. Decide quickly. I will not wait long.”
The guards faltered, as if contemplating whether it would be worse to cross the Knights, or their own superiors. And then, the unexpected happened. “Guards, stand down. Lower your weapons.” The guards did as ordered. Two familiar figures stood in the doorway, barring the exit.
Xavier glared at them, as if attempting to read their thoughts through their eyes. “Ah, Captain Halifax and Lieutenant Grader. How kind of you to…intervene. Too kind.” Neither he nor Raphael lowered their swords.
“Indeed, my good Knight. Perhaps someday my kindness will be the end of me. Please, do not spill our blood needlessly. You have what you came for, I believe. Leave this watchtower, and us in peace,” he said with mock desperation. He smiled coldly, like a snake.
“That was just our plan. Now if you would again be so kind, and direct us toward our wives, we’ll be on our way.”
“Yes, well that’s just the thing. You see– Ah!” Halifax and Grader winced in pain and stepped gingerly forward as two figures, hooded and robed in dark velvet, followed them out of the shadowy doorway. They held swords of similar make to Xavier’s and Raphael’s, if more slender and elegant. Swords that were pricking the officers’ backs.
“Thank you for your hospitality, officers. You have been most gracious hosts,” said the first figure. The voice was female, with the beauty and strength of a mighty river.
“Indeed you have,” the second said, also female, with a voice as cool as frost. “But I am afraid we must take our leave of you. If you would be so kind as to show us to our horses, and then to the exit, we would be most grateful.” The figures pulled back their hoods to reveal familiar faces with elven ears.
Xavier smiled warmly. “It’s about time the two of you got here. I trust negotiations went well, Rishtaria?”
Rishtaria, the river-voiced figure, was Xavier’s wife and Alex’s mother. She had kind glowing, amber eyes and radiant brown hair that flowed down to her back. Everything about her was softness and beauty, concealing an inner strength and dignity that could put monarchs to shame. “Yes, they did. That is, until the good captain tried to detain us against our will. But as you can see, we were able to…persuade him otherwise.”
Raphael chuckled again. “Was there any blood spilled?”
“Negative, not unless you count two broken noses, six black eyes, and one man who will probably never walk again.” said Kayla, the frost-voiced figure. She was Raphael’s wife, also Rishtaria’s sister and Karen’s mother. She had straight shoulder length black hair, a light, milky skin tone, and sharp, clear grey eyes that could sense both fear and untruth. She was cold and calculating, but nevertheless a loving mother and wife.
Overlooking her own belligerence toward Alex, Karen was shocked at the parents’ readiness to engage in such violence. In contrast, Alex was boyishly enthralled.
“What would we ever do without the two of you?” Xavier asked.
“Probably something less than smart. Remember the Skirmish at the Bleeding Tree?” Rishtaria responded coyly.
“Look, I told you, we thought we could get the elven ambassador out of the mountains safely. We did not count on the Lokji to arrive so soon!”
“Excuse me,” Karen interrupted, “but I think we have more important thing to worry about than some bygone battle I’ve never heard of.”
“Watch your tongue miss, but you’re right. And speaking of ‘less than smart,’ Halifax, you should have known better than to stand in the way of a mother protecting her child, not to mention two elves!” Raphael said derisively.
“Sorry to break up this touching reunion,” Kayla interrupted, “but we really must be leaving.”
“Quite right,” Xavier agreed. “Bring our ‘hosts’ along as insurance until we clear the gate.
The whole group, with their captives in tow, headed down to the stable where their horses had been left. Raphael and Xavier saddled their own horses, and then those of their wives, who were currently occupied with restraining the hostages. As soon as their preparations were complete, they rode off. Alex and Karen accompanied Rishtaria and Kayla because they were the lighter riders.
As soon as the four horses left the gate and the portcullis closed, Captain Halifax and Lieutenant Grader came storming up to the ramparts. Halifax smiled evilly.
“Are you just going to let them go, Captain?” the lieutenant asked.
“Hardly, Lieutenant. Hardly.” He then turned to the archers. “All archers, fire on my command.” The men obeyed, taking their positions. “Ready, aim, FIRE!”
A deadly volley of arrows whistled through the air towards the escaping group. Karen screamed.
“Kayla, Rishtaria, if either of you could do something about those arrows, it would be greatly appreciated,” Xavier said with a note of urgency.
The two she-elves raised their hands toward the incoming shafts. Alex heard them speaking in their own language, Duenda. First a prayer, and then a command. “Vistí Rishar, beloi lira vista. Vista Raspa, nísht akura ír mortís rulai! ” Immediately, the torrent of arrows split asunder, and cascaded harmlessly to either side.
Alex was amazed. “How did you do that?”
Rishtaria smiled down at her son. “For tasks greater than our own strength we call upon the Powers Above for aid. They are our source. Without them, we are powerless.” The group then galloped over the horizon.
But atop the tower, Lieutenant Grader slammed his fists against the ramparts in frustration, while Captain Halifax stood by, almost triumphantly. “They’re escaping, sir. Shouldn’t we command the archers to fire again?”
“No Lieutenant, In fact, I expected them to escape.”
“Expected, sir?”
“Yes, expected. Our case is now foolproof. You see, we took the children in for threatening a human, disturbing the peace, and unauthorized use of sorcery. The Knights, their parents interestingly enough, came to rescue them. In the process they refused to surrender arms under the terms of parley, committed the crimes of jailbreaking and unauthorized alchemy, resisted arrest, threatened the Royal Guard, assaulted two officers and six guardsmen, and are now, at this very moment, fleeing custody. On top of all of this, these Knights have no doubt been intentionally breeding halfling children in order to use their power to upset the kingdom. Such criminals cannot be allowed to threaten His Majesty’s sovereignty any more, am I right?”
A glint came into the lieutenant’s eyes as he slowly realized what had been his captain’s plan from the beginning. “No sir, it must not be allowed.”
“Precisely. And as they were kind enough to provide names, we will pay them a visit tomorrow. We will present them with the charges in a most lawful fashion and attempt to take them into custody. From there they would be granted a swift trial and hanged, but, of course, they will resist arrest yet again.”
“Of course, Captain.” The lieutenant said with an evil grin.
“And once they do so, we will have no choice but kill them all and burn their houses.”
“Must we kill them, Captain? Couldn’t we just take them back to Nezar?”
“Lieutenant, if they escaped the first time, what on earth assures you we can hold them a second time?”
“My mistake, Captain.”
“Indeed. Once news of this most unfortunate incident reaches His Majesty’s ears, he will no doubt appoint you as head of the Royal Guard here and promote me with the authority to stamp out the threat of these treasonous Knights once and for all.”
“Naturally, Captain.”
“Yes, naturally,” said Captain Halifax.
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Thoughts?
I revised the chapter above, but I’d also like your opinion on some new planned chapter titles. You may recognize some of them, but the new ones are the last two. I included the others so you wouldn’t get lost trying to remember things I haven’t expounded on yet.
—————–
Chapter 13: The Nuisance-
Alex wakes up to see Whit in a towel. He freaks out. Later he goes to his first class. He sees Kíra and Livír again in this class. He runs into the prankster annoyance Stanley, who annoys Alex throughout the day by constantly pestering him using his shock touch power. The chapter focuses on Alex struggling to keep his cool and not torch the kid, after remembering his encounter with the Axe Grinders. Kíra and Livír help to keep him calm.
Chapter 14: Round Two-
Later, Alex meets up with Edmond and the two decide to check out Míten Sias. As they are exploring, they meet up with the Axe Grinders, still sore from the last battle. Alex decides that since they’re outside of school, there’s nothing to hold him back. He and Edmond enter into a full scale fight with them, this time Alex uses the Vaichariad and it is revealed that Edmond transmute objects into weapons. They fight until some Knights show up. Alex considers covering their escape route with fire but it would be too obvious who was involved. They instead escape by creating a makeshift flying balloon.
Chapter 15: Triple Threat-
The Kaenai triplets run into Alex and begin persecuting him again. He challenges them to a duel. He is allowed two of his friends as partners.
Chapter 16: Let the Fun Begin-
Alex enters into the duel with the Kaenai triplets with Whit and Amorelia as partners. Whit wins due to savagery. Alex is disqualified because he agreed to a match using Jioniskor. The triplet he fights is of a higher level than him, and he loses at first but eventually wins using his Wolf style, but is disqualified because it is too unorthodox. Amorelia then wins the final duel, meaning that Alex’s team has won, but Alex is upset because he lost his battle. He leaves and goes off to sulk.
Chapter 17: The Red Phoenix-
While he is sulking, Alex wanders away from the Academy and even the city, and soon finds himself in the middle of a forest on the island. He is lost, but is preoccupied with his sulking. He then hears a voice in the forest, and prepares to defend himself. The voice reveals itself as the phoenix Maesírturon, who counsels Alex on his problems and begins teaching him the finer points of flying. Since flight powers are very rare, such knowledge is not taught at the Academy. Alex returns comforted.
Chapter 18: He’s Back!-
Alex must once more deal with Stanley, and comes very close to physical conflict, but instead, with some help from Edmond, manages to resolve the problem peacefully. Alex goes to Maesírturon later that day and discusses the events, as well as takes more flying lessons.
——————-
Also, here are some planned chapters that come after the chapter four I posted above. (You may remember, I reworked my opening, so I had to insert new chapters there as well.)
———————
Chapter 5: The Arrest-
Captain Halifax and Lieutenant Grader arrive at the Tafari and Munashe houses to arrest them, but are instead greeted with booby traps that kill thirty of their men and leave three wounded. Halifax laments that he cannot pursue them outside of his jurisdiction until a messenger arrives with a missive stating that Halifax has been promoted to General Halifax. The General then promotes Grader to his former office of Captain and makes preparations to go after the escaping Knights.
Chapter 6: A Journey Into the Knight-
When they arrive at home, the parents gather the kids together and explain their connection to the Knights, as well as the fact that humans fear halfling children because they can exhibit strange powers. Also, Karen’s incident and the mark on her arm indicate that she is to become a Níroth, the first Halfling Níroth in history. The guards will be searching for them to arrest them, so they must pack their things and leave town. Alex takes the sword his father made for him, Wildfire. The family flees.
Chapter 7: Cooperation Through Subordination-
The family journeys on, but soldiers on horseback catch up with them. The parents stay behind to hold them off. They designate Karen as leader and send the kids on ahead. During a fight, Alex either leaves Wildfire, or it is broken.
Chapter 8: Completely Clueless-
The kids struggle to get to the port city of Olorad to meet their parents and get on a ship to go to the Academy, which is on an island. Alex makes his new sword, the Vaichariad. They encounter difficulty when the Royal Guard returns. They are reunited with their parents.
———————
Thoughts on these and the chapter 4 revision? (Once you get an opportunity. I checked the recent posts widget from time to time. It seems to have been busy.)
It’s been a madhouse. So far we’ve had 62 comments today, including 5 that were over 1000 words long.
WOW! That would explain why the recent comments box changed every 30 seconds on average. I was afraid to jump into the middle of a conversation without knowing anything and end up giving a bogus suggestion.
Chapter 5: The Arrest.
–I like the title. Very straightforward.
–Strange character focus. Is this from the perspectives of Halifax and Grader? I think that the story right now is more with Alex, Karen and their families. (If only to figure out what their parents do by night).
–This chapter is probably not necessary.
Chapter 6: A Journey into the Knight.
–I don’t think this pun works. Might be a bit smoother to try something like A Journey into the Knighthood.
–I’d recommend keeping the backstory here as brisk as possible. For example, I think it would be best to explain who the Knights are in at most 2-3 sentences. That will suffice for now; we can find out more at the school.
–I have no idea what a Niroth is, but her being the first of them sounds a bit Chosen Oneish. Also, it doesn’t feel to me like she earned it. It just kind of happened. Moreover, it’s kind of early in the story. I’d recommend having it happen later.
–Named weapons are a bit cheesy, and I think it’s too soon for Alex to have one in any case. I know that the thing is going to break anyway, so I’d just recommend having Xavier give Alex a nameless, anonymous sword. (When he finally makes a more awesome weapon, then he can give it a name).
Chapter 7: Cooperation Through Subordination.
–Not sure what’s going on with this title. Doesn’t strike a chord with me. Isn’t very clear.
–The plot here sounds quite interesting. I think your explanation for how the parents get split from the kids sounds believable. Also, forcing the kids on their own all-of-a-sudden is probably more dramatic. I like that.
Chapter 8: Completely Clueless
–I’m not keen on this title, but it has some style.
–If the Vaichariad is the final weapon of Alex, I’d recommend holding off on it until later in the story. Until then, I’d recommend having him either use a sword he looted off one of the guys he defeated, or just going unarmed. (Absence makes the heart grow fonder; we will care more about the weapon he makes if he has suffered without one).
What happens in the interlude between the end of chapter 8 and the beginning of chapter 13?
Chapter 13: The Nuisance-
–Straightforward title. Reasonably effective.
–Not sure what to make of the towel episode. Might be useful to foreshadow romance for Alex before showing us a girl in a towel. (Also, I’d recommend giving Whit a more distinctly feminine name, like Whitney. Otherwise, if any readers have forgotten the gender of Whit, they might find the scene really confusing).
–I’m not familiar with Kira and Livir, but their names are similar. For example, they both have an IR combination, are almost as long and depend on the same vowel (I). I’d recommend tweaking one or the other a bit.
Chapter 14: Round Two
–I’d recommend giving this a chapter that deals more with Miten Sias than the fight. Round Two sounds a bit too much like it’s a boxing match.
–I like the substance of this chapter.
–The hotair balloon might be a bit hokey but I think it might work. (I vaguely remember that flight has a special significance in this world).
Chapter 15: Triple Threat
–I like the substance. The title is a bit forgettable.
Chapter 16: Let the Fun Begin
–Title’s a bit creepy, but OK. As a minor tweak, I’d suggest something like Fun Times.
–I don’t know what Jioniskor is. However, I’d recommend having him lose this battle in a way that shows us something about his limits, rather than just that he gets disqualified. I like that he loses.
–I wouldn’t recommend having him sulk too long.
The Red Phoenix
–Chosen One concerns. I’d recommend having him do something to merit this encounter.
–I’m not sure that readers will think flight is so special, but OK. Just let us know to think that.
–Maesirturon is hard to pronounce.
–Maesirturon sounds like he has a sort of conventional nurturing mentor-pupil relationship with Alex. I’d recommend giving him some style here. For example, perhaps Maesirturon is miffed that this kid is sulking uncontrollably. Back in Maesirturon’s day, kids half of Alex’s age wielded battleaxes and liked it!
–I’d recommend giving Maesirturon a strong personality. I think style is more important than likability.
He’s Back!
–I think this title is a bit too wacky.
–I like the peaceful resolution.
All I was doing was talking to David all yesterday, but we went on and on and on. Sowwy!
Joiniskor is the elven martial arts that Alex uses. I remembered that. Yay me!
you spelled it wrong but great!
chapter 4 reminder
–I think this tells us too much and shows too little.
–”hearts soared and their stomachs sank” seems a bit overwrought.
–I would cut the line “But just then, Alex remembered something.” I think it’s unnecessary.
–I think this is smoother.
–The line “It’ll give you a nasty kick if you get too close” might be unnecessary.
–I like the line “don’t drop a vial of it, or you’ll never see your legs again.” However, I think when a line of dialogue is capped off by “he said,” that the he should not be capitalized.
–This still needs more flavor. I think the last line could be turned into a witty retort. Maybe something like “She can turn spines inside out with her mind. I wasn’t about to tell her no.”
–This is better characterized.
–I think the last line could possibly be smoother and more potent.
–This is an interesting intrusion by the narrator (“a blow from Xavier’s foot. In the face”). I’m not sure how old your audience is, but I think it works.
–This is a great way to work in Alex, but I’d recommend having him not perform to quite the same standard. He doesn’t have to fail, but at the very least I’d recommend having him have to scuffle a little bit to finish the job.
–I’m not quite feeling this last sentence.
–”Then, the unexpected happened.” I think this interjection by the narrator is not too effective. I’d recommend replacing it with a line that says that two new people appeared in the doorway.
–”attempting to read their thoughts through their eyes.” This is a bit of a red-herring, unless he’s actually psychic.
–I think this introduction of the ladies is pretty smooth. I like it a lot. “Yes, well, that’s just the thing. You see– ah!”
–I still feel the descriptions of the voices are a bit overwrought, but it’s gotten better.
–I’d recommend just calling Kayla Aunt Kayla here, rather than spelling out her being Raphael’s wife and Rishtaria’s sister and Karen’s mother. We’re mostly getting this scene from Alex’s eyes anyway.
–I’d recommend replacing “Lokji” with a more generic word at this point. Perhaps something like “enemy reinforcements” or whatever. Lokji is an imaginary word and I don’t think we’re ready for it yet.
–I like this line by Karen. For a possible tweak, you could try replacing “I’ve never heard of” with the more self-absorbed “no one’s ever heard of.”
–You could probably shorten “Ready, aim, fire!” to just “fire!” Given that this is kind of a secret ambush, I assume that the men have already readied and aimed their bows.
–I’ve already weighed in on the elven words here.
–Punctuation. I think there should be a comma after No. Also, I’d recommend replacing the comma after Lieutenant with a period. (Alternately, you could uncapitalize “In fact” right afterwards).
–”are now, at this very moment, fleeing custody.” I think “now” and “at this very moment” overlap and create an unnecessary comma. I’d recommend something like “are fleeing custody at this very moment.”
–Tweak: “any more” –> “any longer.”
–Tweak: “breeding halfling children in order to use their power to upset the kingdom” –> “breeding an army of halfling children to seize power.” This is obviously a gross exaggeration, but I think it fits with the character.
–I think that the element of the families providing their names is a bit questionable. I’d recommend instead having one of the guards recognize Xavier (who is, after all, a reputable and well-known human).
–I like this exchange a lot. This seems very believable. I think the Lieutenant comes off as a subordinate dealing fairly with a difficult situation rather than a mindless slaughterer. Even the Captain doesn’t seem far over-the-top, although he’s obviously gleeful about the opportunity to kill and burn.
“Indeed. Once news of this most unfortunate incident reaches His Majesty’s ears, he will no doubt appoint you as head of the Royal Guard here and promote me with the authority to stamp out the threat of these treasonous Knights once and for all.”
“Naturally, Captain.”
“Yes, naturally,” said Captain Halifax.
I fixed the issues, but to save you time and stress, I will post only the parts that are now markedly different than the original. And, as I said earlier, my decision on the Elvish is still pending. Perhaps I will have some other opportunity to use an Elvish phrase, and I may end up removing it anyway, but only time will tell.
————————
1. I’m not entirely sure what to do about the show vs. tell issue in the opening. I wanted to give a brief physical description and some character insight. Can I accomplish that better/differently?
2. “Wait,” Karen said, “Mom’s here too?”
“Well, naturally,” Raphael said with mock annoyance. “There are female Knights as well as males, you know. We’ll discuss it in more detail after you figure out how to say no to someone who can break weapons by speaking.”
3. “Do you really think that’s good idea? We’re just giving Halifax more evidence of our ‘jailbreaking’.”
“It’s either that, or we stay in here forever. Take your time deciding, but I’m leaving now.”
“Point taken.”
4. “The Royal Guard is not intimidated by two men and a couple o’kids!” the guard retorted. “Now, back in the cell or we’ll–” This guard was also interrupted. This time the kick came not from Xavier, but from Alex, who then walked over and landed a few more swift kicks to ensure the soldier stayed down.
5. “Hang on there! We checked you for weapons when you came in!” the guard exclaimed.
Raphael chuckled again. He could tell from the man’s uniform and equipment that he was an archer. “Hidden pockets, mate. Strange that a sharpshooter would be in need of spectacles. Would you like to borrow my mum’s?”
(I’m playing on the fact that he already sounds like an Aussie here. Hope that’s not a problem.)
6. Xavier glared at them, in distrust, as if attempting to guess their intentions.
7. Voice Descriptions:
- The voice was female, as beautiful and strong as a river.
- …the second said, also female, with a calm voice that was both chilling and comforting.
8. Rishtaria, the river-voiced figure, was Alex’s mother. (…blah blah blah…) …said Kayla, Alex’s Aunt, the cold-voiced figure.
9. “Yes, expected. Our case is now foolproof. You see (…charges, etc…) and are even now fleeing custody. On top of all of this, these Knights are no doubt breeding an army of halfling children to seize power for themselves. Such criminals cannot be allowed to threaten His Majesty’s sovereignty any longer, am I right? (…more talking…) And I recognized their leader, Xavier. He is one of Mora’s more distinguished citizens. Surprising that such a respectable man would choose to flout the law so. I think we will pay him and his family a visit tomorrow.”
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As you can tell, I took liberties with the quotes. Your thoughts on the changes? I look forward to chapter 5.
1. I’ll get back to you on this one.
2. I think your last line in the change to #2 is solid. For a minor tweak, I’d suggest shortening it. (“Let me know when you figure out how to say no to someone that can break weapons by speaking”). Another possible variation would be replacing weapons with bones, but that would have a very different feel to it.
3. What would you think about replacing “take your time deciding, but I’m leaving now” with “I don’t know about you, but I’d like to survive this.”
4 looks good.
I don’t think that 5 has very much style.
6 could probably just be shortened to “Xavier glared at them.”
7. First, you could probably name the mom right away. I kind of assume he’d recognize his mother’s voice. I think it would be better to show us what the sounds are like than to make non-auditory comparisons. For example, “the soft lilt of her voice took me where the angels live” vs. “her voice was as beautiful as the Mona Lisa.” “Madame Crabbee had a voice that could scrape the paint off a Buick.” “She was a one-woman orchestra.” The “both chilling and comforting” is a good start, but I’d recommend focusing more on what it does to Alex than the more general what-it-does-to-everyone.
8. Describing Ris. as the river-voiced character sounds a bit strange. I’d recommend calling her Alex’s mother from the first time she’s introduced. I think the introduction of Aunt Kayla is a lot better.
9. I think the first half of this is quite solid. However, the line “He is one of Mora’s more distinguished citizens” is probably something that should be shown. For example, perhaps the Captain saw him at some high-class event, or they run in the same circles, or something. Perhaps their wives dragged them to the opera one night and they ended up spending the night talking about how to skin buffalo with a dagger. (That would bolster the competence of both the Captain and Xavier).
As for 1, I think at the beginning you could probably cut out everything except a visual detail and that Xavier’s presence can silence the rabid dog. The other things, like his strong presence and senses, are details that can be shown later. I think you could pare down the description of Raphael (“known to start cracking wise during high-stress situations in stark contrast to the more stoic Xavier”) could be shortened into a single visual detail (a youthful face, or a jester’s nose, or something). Then, from there you can start showing that he’s more light-hearted right away.
Chapter 5 is coming, but for now I have a question about Edmond.
Here’s a snippet of him recounting how he got his abilities. Keep in mind that Edmond is a human, and a normal one at that, so unlike exotic races or hybrids, he doesn’t have natural talents. I had to come up with another way to give him powers since a standard “superhero” origin, like radiation or mutation, would be glaringly out of place in a fantasy story. This is what I came up with:
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Finding that there was no way to escape the conversation around him, Alex joined in. “Edmond, I know that Whit and I have powers because we’re hybrids, but how did you get yours? Last I checked you were fully human.”
“Yeah, so here’s what happened. I was out one night, and the munchkins were with me–”
“Munchkins?” Whit asked.
“Oh, yeah. I have a little brother and sister: Richard and Geneviève. So we were out and we saw this bright light, like a fire burning on the horizon, but it didn’t destroy anything. So we went and checked it out. As I looked into it, I saw something, someone, I will never forget. He looked like a man, but was much taller and had gentle features that I could barely make out because of the brightness. All of a sudden I was scared, but I didn’t know why. It was as if I was being examined, judged, and I was afraid of coming up short. Then he said, ‘Son of man, thou, thy brother, and thy sister have seen The Giver. No man may look upon the face of a god and live. But I have examined thee, and the Powers Above find thy heart pure and acceptable. Thou shalt not die. Moreover, I shall give thee gifts, that thou and thy siblings shall use them in my service.’ After that, we blacked out and I can’t remember anything until I woke up with these powers.”
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Right now, you’re probably thinking that this is ridiculously chosen-one-ish. And that means I’ve done my job right. you see, I’m going to portray Alex and Edmond as complete opposites and foils of each other. One is fairly dark on account of his past, and the other is a slightly over-optimistic idealist. To further the contrast, I want to make their journeys very different. Typically Alex will have to suffer and work hard, while everything will come easy to Edmond, kinda like *groan* Eragon. (Hmm. Edmond as an Eragon parody. I like it!)
Example: Alex gets his powers by birth yes, but he has to struggle to learn their use. Edmond has his powers given to him, along with some level of mastery, by a god. Talk about deus ex machina.
Another example is when they later get their power “upgrades”. Alex has had to work up until now to gain Lupus Cane’s trust, so he deserves it when he gets lycanthropy powers, and even then, those powers are not without drawbacks. (They take away his fire abilities at night, he can’t control the changes, etc.) On the flipside, Edmond’s Shade abilities are just handed to him by Dorian because Dorian likes him. Now that’s unfair! And that’s the point. I plan to contrast the journey of my main hero with the journey of a “Chosen One”. When they standoff against each other (argument over leadership decisions, who should become Emissary, etc.) it will be more dramatic because Alex deserves it, but Edmond SEEMS to be better-qualified.
Thoughts?
Brief comparison of Alex and Edmond:
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Name: Alexander Tafari or Leonhart Zoramír (Given Leonhart as an elven name by his mother.)
Race: Human-Elf Hybrid
Nationality: Makeris & Zhudai Elf Tribe
Attributes/Temperament: Leader, analytical, intelligent, arrogant, short-tempered, can be vindictive, unsure about emotions and social interactions
Powers: Limited use of the Elven Gift of Enchantment, usually through the control of fire; elven healing factor, above average strength, speed, agility, and endurance, and knowledge of the elven martial art of Jioniskor
Weaknesses: Powers are vulnerable to water, energy limitation on abilities
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Name: Edmond Labelle
Race: Human
Nationality: Arcfenia (Now part of the Seltolmian Empire) & Makeris
Attributes/Temperament: Laid back, naïve, noble, headstrong, often gets self into trouble, intelligent, flirty
Powers: Transmutation, Power of Illusion, favors Skanith metal claws as weapon
Weakness: Powers require great concentration to maintain
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I’m debating whether Edmond is powerful enough to stand as Alex’s rival. Suggestions?
I think Edmond’s origin story is a bit more involved than a minor character merits. I don’t know. For a fantasy story, I think a generic magical origin is fine. Ideally one that can be replicated easily. Why don’t other humans have magic? Maybe it’s a family thing (which ties into the chosen one parody), or he’s just special or whatever. In any case, I’d recommend cutting out his brothers and sisters because I think that’s an unnecessary detail.
You’re right that I think Edmond is a bit of a Chosen One (although that’s less of a problem for a side-character). But I don’t think that Alex is the other side of the coin. He’s born with incredible powers by virtue of being a half-elf, and is also kind of the crown prince. He seems to be the favored one of the phoenixes. So far, he hasn’t really failed at anything. (His fight with the guard was pretty effortless). He may prove himself later on, but early on I didn’t get the impression that he was much of a self-made man. I’d recommend playing up the half-elf liabilities beyond the persecution angle. (Uncontrollable powers, chip on the shoulder, the ways in which they’re worse-than-human, etc.)
I like Edmond as a parody of Eragon and other chosen ones. I’m not sure how much more of a chosen one you could get than the crown prince and a superhero-by-birth, though.
–Depending on how close you want to get to Eragon, you could do something like giving Edmond a dragon or other mythical beast to ride. (Phoenixes seem to play heavily in your mythos, right?)
–If you wanted to play his chosen oneness very strongly, you could do something like eventually giving him the power to transform into a dragon or phoenix. Regular part-time dragon concerns apply, but it shouldn’t be a major problem given the parodical nature of this character. This would contrast nicely with the primitive lycantropy that Alex has going on. (Let’s see: involuntary wolfman transformation vs. ability to go phoenix at will… hmm).
–You could give him a prophecy that foretells his glorious rise to power. However, since prophecies that belong to a single character tend to torpedo stories, I’d recommend pulling a bait-and-switch. Near the end of the book, I’d reveal as a twist ending that the prophecy was Alex’s all along. Or the prophecy belongs to the villain, but achieving it turns out to be his doom. (You can do some wordplay with words like “peace” to create a desirable-sounding prophecy that actually foretells death).
As an alternative, you might have something like Edmond being the crown prince instead of Alex. Then, over the course of the book, he gradually comes to realize that Alex is far more fit to be king, so he cedes the throne to Alex. That sounds cheesy, but I think it’s a bit better than Alex as an unwitting prince.
The element of Alex struggling to use his powers could work, but then I’d recommend playing up Alex’s incomplete control in the few chapters. He didn’t seem to have much trouble accomplishing what he wanted with his fire powers. Nor were his physical abilities lacking in any substantial way. For example, he punted one of the guards despite being hardly a teenager. Christ, if a 14-year-old beat me up when I was armed and armored, I’d never show my face around the office again.
The conflict between Edmond and Alex seems fertile. I’d recommend playing up the cluelessness stemming from Edmond’s super-charmed life. “What, you mean you can’t do powers X and Y?” Then he might try to backtrack by trying to explain that powers X and Y aren’t really all that cool, anyway. I’d recommend playing him as slightly daft, mentally clumsy and well-meaning rather than snotty and entitled. Initially, it seems to me that he would have been a good fit to date Amorelia, but in hindsight she has more going on than what she was born with. I think he would bore her.
What do you think?
Do you think I could fix the “unwitting prince” thing by emphasizing how he struggles with his rival? If he earns the throne, will he still feel chosen-onnish? Think of his obstacles here: A rival, a scheming politician, the people’s distrust, and even a villain. Will this make the reader feel like he deserves the throne? (on a side note, he’s not really “favored”. The phoenixes don’t succumb to favoritism as far as I’m aware. But is it a problem that Maesirturon chooses Alex to reveal himself to? How can I make it seem as if he’s not being favored?)
As to Edmond as an Eragon parody, here are my options. First, the only dragons that still exist in the known world at this point are the Ravagers. the other Free Dragons fled to escape Valigroth. That said, I do have creatures that Edmond could ride: gryphons. However, the giants treat gryphons as equals and family members, so I don’t think they’d let someone keep, not to mention ride one. Of course, if Edmond is the exception to the rule, would that further the parody? My other option is that since the dragons are gone, suppose Edmond just finds a dragon egg for absolutely no reason and derives his powers from the dragon? Sound familiar? Or is that going too far? Which situation fits better? Personally, I like the dragon rider parody idea. It even gives him a short easy-to-explain origin, but it may be over-the top.
I’m not sure Alex is truly failure free. First, he didn’t exactly get the groceries home, so he failed his initial goal. Then, he didn’t really win the fight against Karen. In fact, he was losing, and has lost every encounter with her until then. This was implied but perhaps I should have been clearer. (remember, it says ” This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid, but he found himself enjoying it anyway. He would win this time. “) Also, it was Karen who blinded the guards, not Alex. And it is Alex’s fault that the two of them got sent to the watchtower because he started the fight. I’d consider that a failure. As for kicking the guard, I think I can get away with that. Call it “rage ex machina”.
I’m not sure I want Edmond to dragon-morph. Amorelia already has animal-empathy, which is similar with the exception that it’s not a true species change. But Edmond can Shade-morph later on, and his changes cause him no trouble, unlike Alex. He’s even immune to sunlight.
As for that last part, you’re probably right. Also, could you help me come up with a list of powers for Edmond? I want him to powerful, but not too overpowered.
Here’s what I have so far:
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Powers: Transmutation, Power of Illusion
Characteristics: Laid back, naïve, noble, headstrong, flirty
I think that emphasizing the struggle with his rival and distrust and other obstacles can help reduce the amount of chosen-oneness to a hopefully acceptable amount. But I don’t think that Alex as currently written would have much of a chance of serving as a foil to a super-chosen one, because Alex is reasonably far into chosen one territory himself. OK, so he’s born with superpowers. It seems like a lot of other characters have that going on, so that’s mostly OK. However, he’s the only one that’s been born a crown prince. Not even Edmond has that going for him.
One way you might be able to change things a bit would be to give him powers that are distinctly worse than what most of the other characters have. I’m not sure exactly what powers everyone else has, but if Amorelia’s main power is animal-empathy, I think the ability to use fire is considerably more powerful than that. (If she is an elite fighter with just animal-empathy, my hat is definitely off to her).
I think he does kind of seem favored by the phoenix. I mean, the phoenix doesn’t just happen to talk to everyone else at the academy. I assume the phoenix appeared to Alex in particular for some reason (otherwise that’d be kind of contrived). The problem is, I’m having trouble thinking of what a good reason would be that would reflect on something Alex has done. What could you do to earn the appearance of a phoenix? Assuming that phoenixes have human-like senses of right and wrong, perhaps Alex could do something to help someone in the wilderness and the phoenix might appear to show his appreciation. That’s cliche, but a step up I think. Right now, I feel that the phoenix kind of picks out Alex in particular because Alex is the chosen one.
I like dragon-riding better than gryphon-riding. (Also, a dragon strikes me as a cooler thing to ride than a gryphon, so from the perspective of what would make the most ridiculous chosen one, I think dragons are better).
That said, parody is a very intrusive and intense form of comedy. It’s sort of like riding a bicycle. You have to constantly pedal away at it or it will fall down. I think you’d have to constantly play the parody to make it work. Even then, I don’t know how you’d tie in an Eragon parody into what you’ve already done with Alex. One way you could tie Alex to the Eragon parody would be to make Alex an anti-Eragon. But I don’t think he’s close to that now. He even ends up falling for a hot elf!
I’m not familiar with what you mean by animal-empathy, which I usually take to mean the ability to communicate with animals. (Either through speech or just knowing what they’re feeling). Do you mean something very different? The Shade-morph sounds fine in place of dragon-morphing.
If you’re going ahead with a full-fledged parody of chosen ones, I think he’d have to be pretty powerful from day 1. (However, if you wanted to rein in his power, I’d say that the only thing holding him back is that he’s kind of lazy and has never really tested himself like Alex has). I’m not sure what you’re doing with transmutation, but something like dragon-riding or absolutely ridiculous sword-fighting skills or transformation into other species is probably more in line with the level of power I think you’d need to stand out among a bunch of superpowered fighters. Swordfighting would be the most sober, but I think that you’d probably need something dragon-related to parody Eragon. Of course, you could do both… heh heh.
Personality-wise, I’d recommend working in lazy (because he’s never really worked at his talents… also, lazy seems to fit in pretty smoothly with his laidbackness), I’d cut headstrong because I think it will be too strongly negative for this character, and I’d replace noble with something more specific (like well-intentioned or compassionate).
Power-wise, I’d recommend cutting illusion. It’s a very hard power to choreograph in a novel. I’d suggest that his powers be mostly limited to combat. I think that would be stylish. For example, if a disaster struck, Amorelia could draft local animals into a search-and-rescue crew. Alex can do a variety of noncombat things with fire (fight other fires, disinfect water, keep survivors warm, etc). A true hero can do more than just kill people. So I think that if Edmond’s powers were limited to combat, we might wonder about whether he really has what it takes even though he’s probably better at combat than most of the other characters.
I don’t think you should push the parody of Eragon too far in a serious story. Personally, I’d be more likely to think you’d just copied the character rather than parodied it. I think the odd reference to ‘look how ridiculous Eragon is!’ is fine, and could even work well for comedic value, but I’d be wary of giving him a talking pack animal/noble steed because I feel that’s going a little too far. If you were going to, I’d at least have him earn it a little (by saving it or something. Or, have Alex do most of the saving but Edmond is the one the creature attaches itself to.)
Actualy, Alex flees the Academy after his defeat by the Triplets. He wanders into the woods distraught and almost at the point of tears (wait a second! Alex just failed again. Yes! Another strike against chosen one-ness.) and Maesirturon, who was living in that forest, appears to him out of pity and compassion, not because he’s “chosen”. Is this acceptable?
As for animal-empathy, Amorelia can not only communicate with animals, but take on their characteristics. This is not polymorphing or shapeshifting, like beast boy, it’s just gaining access to animal-like powers. Ex: Tapping into the life-energy of a Cheetah to make yourself faster, acquiring the sight of an eagle, bonding with a phoenix to…well, you get the idea. However, there are 4 things that, although she does not polymorph, she does embody those creatures when she uses them. She also has one form that she actually can polymorph into, but it requires tremendous energy and focus. The four are: Kaeshin (The Sapphire Tiger), Draeshukar (The Lizard Viper), Rifonai (The Gryphon), and Drakothír (The Dragon). She rarely uses the dragon style because it is associated with aggression. He polymorph form is called Armorel (The Phoenix). These five are based on the most powerful forms of the elven martial arts, and the last one in particular, the Phoenix, is the most powerful. The polymorphing is not actually hers, but comes from a violet gemstone keyed to her bloodline, a family heirloom. It was given by the phoenixes themselves.
As for tying in the Eragon parody, I need someone who can compete with Alex for leadership and the Emissary title. Erag- um, I mean Edmond is a perfect fit. Also, Alex is not the only one who falls for Amorelia. Edmond does too, making him also Alex’s romantic competition. As far as the foil goes, Alex isn’t so much anti-Eragon as he is a drastically improved Eragon, while Edmond represents Eragon as is. Edmond represents the Chosen One status quo, while Alex represents what Eragon and other similar characters {should have been}. But on the surface, I need someone who can give Alex a run for his money, and an unfairly lucky, entitled, yet powerful Chosen One could just work. Also, at the beginning of the story, Lupus Cane believes Edmond to be more fit for the Emissary title than Alex is, so Edmond already starts out ahead. Also, the reason Alex fails with Amorelia is because she initially liked…Edmond. Whether Alex can recover from that failure and win Amorelia has yet to be decided.
Thoughts?
Was it a defeat by the triplets or a disqualification?
To Holliequ:
I am in no way planning to copy Eragon. Edmond’s personality is completely different. The only similarities I envision are the dragon, and Chosen One-ness. Also, Perhaps I will actually give his dragon PERSONALITY, rather than making it a glorified pack animal. Having Edmond argue with his own dragon would be interesting. And even more interesting if the dragon wishes it had chosen Alex rather than being bonded to Edmond for he rest of his life. Hmm…
thoughts?
Ah, right. That sounds okay.
Haha, the dragon preferring Alex could be pretty funny. But on the other hand you might have people asking “Um, why doesn’t it just stay with Alex?” Maybe admiration, rather than actual preference, would work without that question coming up.
Also, names for Edmond’s Dragon:
Edmond’s dragon will be black. Why? Because I halve an evil white dragon and I couldn’t resist the irony. I’d like a name to reflect the color of his/her scales. Also, should his dragon be male or female? Suggestions encouraged.
Male Names:
Blackwing
Jet
Shadowfang
Obsidian
Female Names:
Ebony
Nightshade
Ravenscale or just Raven
Sable
Also, I need personality traits. Preferably some that will complement Edmond’s. Also, remember that this dragon will be fairly young, a few years at most.
Thoughts?
I like the name Sable a lot, but it might be too similar to Saphira. The others I don’t really like; they seem a bit too obvious or ugly names. What about ‘Blake’ for a male dragon?
I think making the dragon a little more brash and headstrong than Edmond could work. This may be why he likes Alex (he sees him as a kindred spirit). You could also make him loyal, which could be why he sticks with Edmond, and perhaps a little more cowardly than his brashness suggests. I think that could be a very interesting trait in a dragon, as long as you don’t play it up to be paralyzing.
Defeat or disqualification? I’m honestly not sure yet. Of course, if it was defeat, it would be an opportunity for him to unquestionably fail at something. What do you think?
the next thrilling installment. lol
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Chapter 5: The Arrest
It was before dawn when twenty of the Royal Guard arrived, along with some thirty regulars, at the doors of the Tafari and Munashe houses. As the pale light that comes as night yields to day filtered through the lens of an overcast sky, the sight of fully armed soldiers seemed strangely out of place. The presence of men-of-war on such a placid morn was as unsightly as a raw gash against otherwise perfect skin. The grass, still wet with dew, was callously trampled by steel-plated leather boots that churned the earth, turning all in their path to mud. The joyful songs of birds was sullied by the harsh clanking of armor. The small animals who normally came out of their burrows and havens about this time remained hidden as if, foreseeing bloodshed, they wished to escape the coming carnage. Thunder was rumbling in the distance as if to announce nature’s displeasure at being disturbed.
The Tafari and Munashe dwellings were made of blue sandstone, as was the custom in Princepia among middle and higher class families. The two homes were next door to each other, connected by a single corridor and fenced in by a common wall. While soldiers broke down the gate, Captain Halifax and Lieutenant Grader conferred among themselves.
“It was easy enough to find them. There are only two mixed-race families in Mora, and fortunately enough, they live in the same compound.”
“Indeed sir. We will take them easily, they are no doubt still sleeping.”
“Ah, then let us give them a rude awakening, shall we?” The soldiers had finished their work on the gate and were now pouring into the courtyard of the compound, falling into formation in front of the two doors. Halifax and Grader rode forward with a look of triumph as the sound of thunder grew ever closer.
“Lieutenant, have the men get the doors. And there are to be no slip-ups. When they walk out, kill them all without hesitation. They must not have an opportunity to work their conjuration.”
Lieutenant Grader nodded and gestured towards his men, who strung their bows and readied their spears. The morning mist soon turned to rain, as if the elements were also readying for battle.
“Open up in the name of the king!” Grader Shouted, beginning to read the charges. “By the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire,” the lieutenant shouted, “you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human, disturbing the peace, unauthorized use of sorcery, refusal to surrender arms under the terms of parley, jailbreaking, by unauthorized alchemy, resisting arrest, threatening the Royal Guard, assaulting two officers and six guardsmen, fleeing custody, and high treason by conspiring to threaten His Majesty’s sovereignty. If you come out and surrender now, you will be granted a fair and speedy trial. If you continue your resistance, it will be counted as rebellion and you will be executed on the spot. This is your final warning.” Just then, three men stepped toward one of the houses. Immediately, arrows shot out of a window and struck one in the neck, killing him instantly. The other two were hit in the leg; severely wounded, but alive. Seeing this, several other men charged toward the houses, but they were also cut down by arrows. Captain Halifax was furious at having now lost six men.
“Breach the door, you fools! Enter and slaughter them all!” The men brought forward a large battering ram and crushed the door, pouring though it into the house like a ravaging wave. Soon, there were loud howls of pain and the guards rushed out of the house as quickly as they had entered it, some slipping of the wet ground and falling under the feet of their comrades. Captain Halifax dismounted and ran into the house to see for himself what had happened, calling for his men to follow.
“Come on, you cowards!” As soon as he entered the door, the captain froze, shocked to discover that ten of his men were lying in a pool of blood, either shot by more arrows, or impaled on crude wooden spears. But the strangest thing of all was that, aside from the soldiers’ bodies, some furniture, and other belongings, the house was perfectly empty! Halifax rushed from the house, nearly slipping on the blood-soaked floor. He immediately ran into Lieutenant Grader, who was deathly pale. Despite his helmet, the lieutenant’s hair was soaked from the rain and clung to his face like the fur of a newly-bathed dog.
“Captain! The other house is empty!”
“What?”
“Yes, completely vacant. We thought we heard some rustling about inside, but it was only the wind blowing through the windows. And look at this, Captain.” Grader bent down and grasped at something, lifting it gingerly off of he ground. Halifax could see that it was a thin string.
“A trip wire!”
“Yes, indeed, Captain. When we entered that other house, we saw several crossbows rigged up to these, and some crude spears as well. And that’s not all, sir. We lost fourteen men in that other house.”
“Fourteen?”
“Yes sir, fourteen. The only thing we found was this note.” The lieutenant handed Halifax a note. It read:
{My Dear Captain Halifax,
Sorry about leaving without notice, it was quite urgent. Please send our best regards to the King, and do convey to him our apologies for the mess. It was not personal. And in that respect, we hope you enjoyed the going away present we left you.
Sincerely,
Xavier & Rishtaria Tafari and Raphael & Kayla Munashe of the Divinely Ordained and Noble Order of the Knights Telessar (Being the Elven Sign of the Phoenix)
P.S.
You’re trespassing.}
At the bottom of the note was the mark and seal of the Knights, the elven Telessar glyph, resembling a phoenix’s head.
As soon as Halifax finished reading the note, he tore it furiously, scattering the fragments in the mud. The captain convulsed with fury as the strength of the rain increased, pelting him ever harder in mockery of his failure. He snarled under his breath. “Thirty-two altogether dead, and three badly wounded.” The full realization had dawned on Captain Halifax. His force of fifty had been reduced to only eighteen able-bodied men. He fell to his knees and vehemently cursed the elements, the Knights, halflings, nonhumans, the earth, and the heavens. The storm only picked up strength, and Captain Halifax threw himself into cursing all the harder to keep pace with the howling of the storm.
The lieutenant stepped forward, interrupting the captain’s mad cursing spree. “Shall we give chase, sir?”
The captain at once ceased his ranting and slumped in resignation, too tired to continue. He sighed. “No, Grader. We cannot pursue them any farther. Mora is on the very edge of my jurisdiction. They have escaped us.”
Just then a messenger on horseback burst upon the scene. He dismounted and ran toward the captain. “Sir, I have a message for you.”
“Send him away, Grader.”
“But sir,” the messenger objected, “The missive is from the king himself!”
Captain Grader jumped to his feet and snatched the scroll from its bearer. He unfurled it, and read eagerly. As he did, a smile slowly crept onto his face. “We are most fortunate that this letter was sent before today, Lieutenant Grader.”
“Why is that, sir? What does it say?”
Halifax began to read part of the letter, his face beaming. “His Majesty, being informed of my noble, honorable, and competent service as Captain of the Watchtower Guard at Nezar and the Royal Guard of accompanying jurisdiction, does hereby grant me the title and holdings of a Lord of His Realm, as well as a promotion to the rank of General, with all attendant power and authority of the office.” General Halifax now looked at Grader and added, my jurisdiction now extends as far as the borders of the kingdom itself.”
Grader bowed before his commander. “Congratulations, General.”
“Congratulations to you as well, Captain Grader.”
“Captain, sir?”
“Yes, Captain. I am promoting you to the post at Nezar, and you will command it from now on. For the moment, however, I would like you to marshal more men, about fifty of the Royal Guard’s mounted division, and I wish archers and spearmen to be among them. They are to pack light and be ready immediately. I will leave you in charge here, and then I will pursue these treasonous vermin until we reach the sea.”
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Yeah, I agree that a parody would probably be out of place in this story. First, the work isn’t a comedy, So the parody elements will probably feel like they have shifted too much from the previous chapters. You may cause an audience disconnect: the readers that want the sober action of chapters 1-5 might not want to read a parody of Eragon. (In fact, they might even be Eragon fans, which might raise problems of its own).
Second, parodies are a uniquely wacky form of comedy. (See Austin Powers, Airplane!, Team America, Naked Came the Stranger, etc). By definition they virtually have to be over-the-top. In contrast, I feel like the substance of your first few chapters feels like a pretty sober fantasy story.
Although I think you have the comedic talent to write a parody or an action-comedy, I think it would be easier for you to focus on what you have already started writing. But the Eragon parody would be a good idea to hold on to for another novel.
You have a point. Can I keep the backstory and the dragon though? Edmond will not be an Eragon parody, but some of those details helped me figure out how a normal human could possibly get his abilities. That was a gaping hole before.
also, chapter 5 reminder
I could be mistaken, but I think you posted that two hours ago. Isn’t it a bit early for a reminder?
? Oh, my bad haha. I thought it wasn’t still on the recent posts list.
I think the dragon works as a companion/mount, although hopefully more of a companion than just a mount. Your initial comments on that score look promising, but I’d recommend not having the dragon eventually regret that he’s partnered with Edmond rather than Alex; I think that would be very Mary Sue-ish for Alex… also, to emphasize that the dragon is a thinking being rather than just a flying packhorse, I’d recommend have him be a willing partner able to leave at his will rather than a servant-for-life.
As for the backstory, I’m having some trouble keeping track of everything. I vaguely remember there was a backstory that involved munchkins and some sort of spirit of the woods that seemed a little bit complicated. Instead, I like the element of dragons more; I’d recommend using some backstory to say something like he bonded to a dragon and got some extra powers out of it, as well as the partnership of the dragon obviously. If you’d like to make him the chosen one foil to Alex, I’d recommend that there be no particularly logical reason that the dragon chose Edmond. (For example, dragons are typically portrayed as slow and steady creatures… ie lazy! Perhaps he takes well to humans that are equally hard to stir/calm/laidback, like Edmond. Without getting too whiny, the characters should observe how inane it is to pick a partner based on how lazy he is. I’m kind of interested to hear the dragon defend himself).
–This sentence seems awkward to me. I’d recommend rephrasing it to emphasize the role of the guards. “Just before dawn, twenty Royal Guardsmen and some thirty regulars stalked towards the Tafari and Munashe houses.”
–The first sentence here is done in present tense. The second sentence (and the rest of the chapter) is done in past tense.
–There’s some mixed imagery here. Light filtering through a lens and raw gashes on skin and then, in the next sentence, dewy ground and churned earth. I feel like the story’s getting lost in a sea of images.
–I’d recommend removing the speculation here. Since this is a narrator talking and not a limited character, I’d recommend just having him say that the animals were hiding because they wanted to escape the coming carnage. (You might also say something like they had learned that it was better than to wander into their properties, anyway. That might foreshadow what the guards will find).
–Overwrought, I think.
–This detail (that there are only two mixed-race families in Mora) seems incompatible with a lot of the details in the previous chapters. For example, I really got the impression that persecution against half-elves was pretty pervasive. If there are only two half-elves in the city, how scared could the humans be?
–Suggested tweak: “Give them no opportunities to work their magics.” Alternately, you could replace “work their magics” with something like “try any funny business.”
–I still feel the weather references are a bit overwrought here. Mostly it’s because the narrator keeps trying to ascribe a motivation to the weather. (IE to show nature’s displeasure, to ready for battle, etc.)
–I feel like I have a pretty good sense for Mora, but Princepia not so much. It’s come up a few times, but we really haven’t seen any of it.
–This is very, very long. I know this is meant to be humorously wordy, but I’m not sure it works. I’d recommend cutting it down to 2 or 3 charges.
–Recommended tweak: “Otherwise you will be immediately executed.”
–I think this is a good insertion of the weather into the scene. Very interactive. However, I think “of” should probably be “off” or “against.”
–I think it’s a bit too omniscient for them to address this to Captain Halifax specifically. I would just leave it addressed to the Royal Guard as a whole.
–This strikes me as too long. I would cut out it down to “Please send our best regards to the King. We hope you enjoyed your time in our home.”
I would recommend cutting down the phrase “Xavier & Rishtaria Tafari and Raphael & Kayla Munashe of the Divinely Ordained and Noble Order of the Knights Telessar (Being the Elven Sign of the Phoenix)” to “Your friends, The Knights Telessar.”
I like the line about the trespassing.
It’s a bit contrived that the captain is promoted to a general at just the right moment to pursue the families, but generally speaking readers are far more forgiving of villains getting lucky breaks than lucky heroes… so I think you’re OK on that front.
Redux of the charges part. I tried to make it funnier, emphasize the comic over-wordiness, and shorten it all at once. Thoughts?
——————
“Open up in the name of the king!” Grader Shouted, beginning to read the charges. “By the authority of His Majesty, the great and mighty Cyrus, Lord of Acropolis and King of the Princepian Empire,” the lieutenant shouted, “you are hereby charged with the threatening of a human, disturbing the peace, unauthorized use of sorcery, refusal to surrender arms under the terms of parley, jailbreaking”
“Lieutenant, will you please just skip to the important part!”
“Yes, sir,” Grader said, and resumed his reading farther down the page.
Also:
“Lieutenant Grader nodded and gestured towards his men, who strung their bows and readied their spears. Halifax looked up as the morning mist soon turned to rain. He cursed under his breath, determined not to be thwarted by the weather.”
better?
I think those two parts are improved a lot.
thnx
I think Adrian could be a good personality contender with Alex.
He can be “The free-spirited dreamer with all the spunk”
Or
“The narcissitic weirdo with the mouth and delusions of granduer.
But, of course, Adrian can’t be in your story. I think their personalities would clash very nicely. He’d be like the new kid, promise child of (if good) The Ashray Bond or (if evil) The Council of Uncegila. Fire creatures aren’t the only mythological creatures.
Happy New Ye– OH GOD, THE NUCLEAR MISSILES ARE FALLING, EVERYONE GET TO THE VAULTS.
In case you don’t know Ashray are a race a translucent water beings, they are playful but, shy. They ride the white brook horses that can travel on water. They’re essentially good.
Leviathan and Kraken were too obvious, so I went with Uncegila. She was a large water snake that polluted rivers and flooded places with salt water. Her death is the reason for the midwestern badlands, when she died and the sun dried her body.
Of course these won’t be in my story, except the names. Jimelly is of the alien race of Lemorion.
cool.
Brett, I think the second revision is a strong improvement. I think it helps show readers something about the characters here and the arena of battle.
The first revision is somewhat effective. It more clearly shows that the over-wordiness is intentional and supposed to suggest something about the character’s style and personality. However, I’d recommend shortening it a bit if you can.
Currently it reads…
I’d recommend something like this.
Grader shouted at the door. “By the authority of King Cyrus, Lord of the Princepian Empire, you are hereby charged with threatening a human, disturbing the peace, unauthorized use of sorcery, jailbreaking–”
“Lieutenant, will you please just skip to the important part!”
“–and you must surrender immediately or you will be executed.”
What do you think?
You may be right. I could stand some shortening. I’ll try your suggestion.
Another issue, for further on. Once Alex gets to the Academy, he has 3 main antagonists: The Triplets, The Axe Grinders, and Freddy (The Nuisance).
(About the Triplets, btw, they might not actually be sisters. I am thinking now that they will merely be members of the same clan who have forged a mental bond by using magic. Better?)
That said, dealing with those antagonists will be his first three goals. However, I wish to introduce another goal, that is for him to discover the origins of the Knights, some of the secrets of Miten Sias (their headquarters), and learn bits and pieces of lore that will eventually piece together into the Big Picture.
Now, I can write the conflicts easily enough, but I’m not sure how to resolve them. I want to give readers some kind of cue that this particular conflict has ended but I’m not sure how, or if they will end.
Example: I will “resolve” the Freddy conflict by having him and Alex become friends and roommates, but Freddy is still annoying from time to time.
But I’m not sure how to resolve the other two. The conflict with the Triplets doesn’t really end after the duels, it just isn’t center stage again until part 3 of the book. How do I cue the reader that they aren’t supposed to worry about them until later? I don’t want them to just disappear and reappear. Same thing with the Axe Grinders, except they aren’t coming back. Alex won’t befriend them, but I probably won’t have a use for them any time soon. How do I resolve them?
My last problem is that I’m not sure how to work in Alex’s “quest” (or juvenile curiosity) about the Knights. His conversations with Maesirturon and Headmaster Gabriel are part of that, but I’m just not sure how to work it in so it feels like a plotline and not an interruption. Also, Alex will not discover everything in the first book. His discovery will be ongoing.
And should Edmond accompany Alex on his visits to Maesirturon so he won’t seem “favored”? Should he go with Alex on his adventures so it won’t look like Alex has “secret chosen one knowledge”?
To clarify:
1. temp. resolution for triplets
2. Permanent resolution of AG’s
3. Alex’s quest (with possible hangers-on)
Thoughts? (Sorry if this comment seems a little incoherent. I wasn’t sure how to phrase some stuff.)
Resolving the conflict with each villain is probably a sound move. For example, as soon as the heroes have gotten to the Academy, you should probably establish that General Halifax and Grader are pretty much out of the picture for the rest of the book. Conflicts that aren’t amply resolved will probably nag away at readers. (“Where’d Halifax go? What happened to him?”)
As for your three sets of antagonists, these are kind of temporary antagonists that aren’t really related to the final struggle with the “real” villain*. Consequently, I’d recommend using just two sets of antagonists in the Academy. Freddy seems like the weak link here. I’d recommend removing him or at least saving space and audience attention by making that conflict clearly secondary to everything else that’s going on. He seems more like a troublesome roommate than a real obstacle and, after everything Alex has been through, a troublesome roommate is not much of a hurdle.
I think the element of discovering more about the Knights has potential as an intermediate goal. An investigation of the Knights is probably the most interesting way to bring up the backstory of the Knights. I’d recommend bringing in the element of a contest. For example, one of his teachers says that the final assignment is to find out [fact X]. The prospect of rewards and punishments will help make the investigation dramatic. Alternatively, you could rework this investigation into a contest for something outside of class.
However, I would recommend keeping the backstory as limited as possible. It’s hard to gauge precisely how much is too much. Also, it seems like your story has a very involved and long backstory with a lot of proper nouns. Giving readers too much might confuse us. (Who’s Maesituron again?)
Ack! I have to go right now. I’ll hopefully find time to add on to this later.
Axe Grinders- Inner city thuggish giants. Alex gets in trouble with them on day 1.
Maesirturon’s name has been changed. I shortened it to just Maesir. (Pronounced may-SEER) He is the phoenix that Alex meets when he flees the Academy in shame at being beaten in his duel by one of the triplets, despite the fact that his team as a whole won. Maesir comes to the boy to comfort him (not because he’s the chosen one), and after that, Alex returns to him for advice, flying lessons, and lessons in lore. My question was should he take Edmond with him on these adventures? You said that because the phoenix appears to Alex and no one else it makes him seem “chosen”. So I could fix that by always having a friend accompany him on his adventures. Thoughts?
Also, the triplets are no longer sisters. See above. Thoughts on this development?
And yes, by the time they get to the Academy, Halifax will be resolved. My question is, should I kill him off, or let him live and just say they never saw him again? If he dies, should Alex, Karen, or their parents kill him?
One other thing related to villains. I have been revising the Neverstars and I’m wondering, would it be better if they were human or halflings? If they’re halflings, then we see how powerful evil, out-of-control halflings are. If they’re human then it just reinforces that humans are easily corrupted. Thoughts?
A few thoughts.
–I’d recommend thinking about giving the phoenix’s name a more straight-forward pronunciation, like Mazer.
–The phoenix showing up feels like a a sign that Alex’s life is too charmed. He’s in need of comfort, so a phoenix shows up and eventually enters into some sort of mentor relationship with him. That neatly solves his problem and gives him a few neat powers to boot (flight’s supposed to be a really big deal in this world, right?). I think it’s too easy for him.
–Taking Edmond along would probably not solve the issue that Alex has a problem (his inability to cope with his loss or disqualification) and solves it with a Maesir ex machina. I kind of want to see him solve his own problems.
–Also, I’d be careful about the “lessons in lore.” Having an old-and-wise character narrate the backstory is usually dull and tends to stall the story by sidelining the main character. I think it would be more interesting for the main character to have to investigate this lore on his own initiative. Otherwise, if he gets any useful information from Maesir, it will probably feel to readers like “whoa, what a lucky break that he just happened to have met this all-knowing phoenix!”
–I agree that Halifax will probably be solved by the time they get to the academy. Killing him will probably not be necessary and might feel unwarranted to readers.*
*–Yes, he’s tried to kill them but he has never come close, nor has he actually inflicted anything particularly bad on them. For example, when he imprisoned Alex and Karen, they were broken out that night. It’s not quite like he killed/raped/tortured/injured anyone. Arguably, readers may feel pleased that he has forced them out of Mora, because Mora doesn’t feel like a place that they would miss very much. (Also, the immediate consequence of getting forced out of Mora is that they are taken to the academy, which sounds like a nicer place to live. So readers will probably not feel too bad about this chain of events).
I’d say that I feel a vague sense of alarm about the meeting between Alex and the phoenix. Davis’ suspicion that it will likely shape into a deux-ex-machina does not strike me as unreasonable.
I think it also raises issues of epicness. As soon as you’ve introduced that he has a reasonably close relationship with a phoenix, suddenly his more routine issues (the half-ogre gang, the Nuisance, etc.) will pale in comparison. At the very least, I’d only recommend introducing the phoenix well after you’ve launched into the succession arc. At that point, his struggles will feel more epic so I think that the phoenix getting involved won’t seem so much out of the blue.
As for the Neverstars being humans or halflings (or both), I don’t have much of a preference. I don’t think it’ll affect the mood very much.
However, hearing about the Neverstars makes me a bit uneasy about just how much is going on. So the arcs would go something like this, although probably not in this order. I’ve bolded the three that I predict will take the most space.
Arc 1: Halifax and Grader chase the kids away to the academy. This takes about 5 chapters and at least a few thousand words.
Arc 2: At the academy, the kids deal with a variety of fairly petty antagonists (Axe-Grinders, Freddie, the triplets). I imagine this will take at least 6 chapters.
Arc 3: The Amorelia-Alex relationship/romance, with possibly an Edmond angle.
Arc 4: The relationship between Alex and Edmond will probably take a lot of space.
Arc 5: Alex investigates the backstory of the Knights and the world.
Arc 6: Prince Alex tries to claim his throne.
Arc 7: There’s some competition to become the emissary.
Arc 8: Alex takes the fight to the Neverstars. (Right at the end, he’d probably discover they’re just henchmen– cue the sequel).
Arcs 6-8 strike me as the most important. For example, arc 1 does a pretty good job of introducing Alex/Karen and getting them from point A to point B, but it’s definitely not the meat of the story. You’ll probably have a better handle for this as you begin filling out your chapters, but I suspect you will spend 30,000-40,000 words before you really get into arcs 6-8. That would leave you only about half of the novel to cover what I think are your story’s three most crucial arcs. That may be problematic.
see your point but one thing is slightly out of place. I won’t introduce “emissary” until much later. In fact, I may overhaul the concept. Also, some stuff is misordered but you have the basic idea. But remembers, some things will be happening simultaneously.
I think you misunderstood what I meant about Edmond. Edmond is not present the first time Alex meets Maesir. What I meant is that when Alex goes to meet him afterward, Edmond may accompany him. (it would help him learn to fly a dragon properly lol).
Also, I don’t intend for Maesir to solve Alex’s problems, just offer advice and counsel. He makes it very clear that he will not solve Alex’s problems for him, just guide him toward his own solution. Better?
About the lore. Maesir will, again, not spell everything out. Alex will ask questions and Maesir will point the way to answers. Some things he will have to spell out, because no one else knows. (Battle at the dawn of time, for example. He and Headmaster Gabriel were there. No one else was. Consequently, Alex could never find out about it aside from them.) Thoughts?
Also, I think you’re over emphasizing the role of these temporary antagonists. They don’t take up too much space, really. Unless you count the triplets showing up at the end again.
Also, a way to connect the phoenix meetings with everyday life would be to:
-have a friend join him, like Edmond
-have the phoenix primarily advise him on his present goals. (how to deal with his antagonists, investigating the knights, etc.)
Also, note that Maesir is gone before the romance arc starts, meaning he isn’t there to offer advice right when Alex needs it most. OUCH. I won’t say how he disappears just yet, I’m still working out the kinks.
Thoughts?
Simultaneity is good. You should be able to develop the characters & relationships alongside the plot arcs. However, some aspects of relationships are typically developed independent of the rest of the plot. For example, romantic side-plots usually don’t have anything to do with the rest of the book. Etc.
I think I understood that Edmond wouldn’t be present the first time Alex met the phoenix but might be present at later times. I don’t think that Edmond’s presence could affect whether the phoenix is a deus-ex-machina or not. But it should help to give the phoenix an advisory position. That way he will help Alex to figure out how to solve his problems on his own. (That wouldn’t resolve the epicness problem, but it probably isn’t as serious as the DEM issue).
“He and Gabriel were there. No one else was. Consequently, Alex could never find out about it aside from them.” Well, what would you think about written accounts of the battle? If it’s a big event, there’d probably be records of it somewhere. That’s probably more limited than talking with a witness, but limits can be very dramatic. For example, in Pokemon the player gets scattered pieces of the labnotes of the scientists that bred Mewtwo. You only gradually come to the chilling conclusion that all of the scientists are dead. That’s probably much more interesting than just talking to a surviving scientist describe what happened.
I kind of assume that the antagonists would take at least two chapters, pretty much one to introduce them and another to build the scene where they get defeated. If the villains are so minor that they can be introduced and defeated in a single chapter, they probably aren’t worth the reader’s time. I’d recommend lengthening their stay so that you can give Alex some time to struggle with them. Maybe add in a scene that ends with Alex losing from time to time. (I think the last one was when Alex got arrested).
Ack! I have to leave again.
Question: I am merging two of the neverstars. Which name is better? Vido or Blackmire? Is Blackmire too overwrought for a name?
I think Blackmire isn’t necessarily overwrought, but I don’t like the way the syllables sound together. I’d recommend something like Blackthorn or Blackmoor or, uhh, something random like Blacklance.
Ack! According to my Word-counter, we have 60,000 words worth of comments on this forum alone.
haha! I am both pleased and honored!
Whoa, that’s more than I’ve written in six months! o_O; I’m going to see just how much I’ve written, but I know it’s less than 60,000 words.
I’ve written 49,930 words, according to spellcheck.net.
Here it is, the much anticipated chapter 6! jk
Technically, it picks up after the escape in chapter four, but I showed the events of chapter 5 because they added crucial elements. Also, keep in mind that the character are unaware of the chap 5 evens, e.g. Halifax’s promotion.
—————————–
Chapter 6: A Journey into the Knight
The Night Before:
As soon as the parents and children were out of sight of the Watchtower, they headed for home, Taking precautions so as not to be followed through the streets of Mora. They rode quickly up to the blue sandstone two-house compound, tying their horses to a hitching post and bursting inside their respective houses. Immediately, they were greeted by a surge of greetings, questions, and needs, for Alex and Karen were not the only children in the two households. Karen had three younger sisters, Chandra, Kiturah, and Rachel. Alex had three siblings of his own: Michael, Joshua, and little Zenobia, who was the youngest of all the children.
Immediately the parents gathered the children together , Xavier and Rishtaria bringing their children across through the connecting corridor into the Munashe house. As soon as the kids were calmed, Xavier began his brief explanation.
“Listen closely, for I do not have time to repeat myself. That means you, Joshua.” Josh was known for his mischief. He got into more trouble than Alex did on a daily basis. Fortunately, his greater powers had not yet been realized. “All of you know about the prejudice concerning half-elves, and all of you know that your…” Xavier paused, searching for the right word. He settled on one, but grimaced because it was not quite what he wanted. “…your ethnicity, is as much as gift as a curse. Alex, Karen, Chandra, and Michael have already discovered that gift, and we have been teaching them to use it. Today, when Alex and Karen used their gifts, even though we have admonished them never to use their powers in public, they set in motion a chain of events that cannot now be altered. As a result, we must all pack up everything of necessity and leave the rest behind.” As soon as he said this, the room erupted into chaos. Xavier silenced the panicking kids with a glare and wave of his hand.
“But Daddy, why do we have to leave?”
Xavier bent down on one knee beside little Zenobia, no more than eight years old, who would have to leave the only home she had ever known. His eyes held all the loving tenderness of a father as he said, “Do you trust me, my daughter?”
“Yes Daddy,” she said meekly.
He smiled, a tear coming to his eye. He blinked it away as he stood to continue. “There is more to this than you know, but we do not have time to tell you everything. Know only that this conflict has more to do with us than it does with you. But we must leave for your own safety. Soldiers are no doubt on their way here now, and every moment we lose they advance toward these houses. I want you to all help pack. We will travel light and carry only essentials. You must leave behind your toys, your books, and everything beyond a few changes of clothing. Raphael and I will go and secure two more horses. Meanwhile, help you mothers. Go to it!” he said, clapping his hands.
The children’s faces were plagued by looks of confusion, but they did as they were told. Alex and Karen helped to administrate, knowing that they could not hope to carry some of the heavier items on horseback.
“No, Josh. Leave that frying pan.”
“But Alex–”
“I don’t care how much you enjoy flatcakes! Leave the frying pan! A flat rock will do just as well. Besides, we shouldn’t take much of anything that requires cooking. We will take preserved fruit, bread, and honey, they will last the journey. Anything else, you check with Mom.”
“Rachel, Kiturah, you know Uncle Xavier said to leave toys behind.”
“But Karen–” as Kiturah raised her protest, Rachel began to cry silently, both of them hugging their dolls, Ashley and Rosalyn, to their chests.
Karen’s face melted in compassion. “Mom will put them somewhere safe. If we ever come back, they’ll be waiting for you.” This seemed to comfort the girls a bit and they left their toys and went back to helping. Meanwhile, Michael and Josh had started arguing, their voices resonating above the sound of the many feet that were running hither and thither about the houses.
“Josh, for the last time, that is not a real sword.”
“Says you. I’ll have killed a dozen men with this before the day is through.”
“Josh, you idiot! The plan is to leave before the soldiers get here. There won’t be anyone to fight!”
Alex interrupted. “Sorry Josh, but Michael’s right. And seeing as I’m the only one here who’s actually fought soldiers, I think I should know.”
“Wait, you actually fought soldiers?” Josh looked incredulous.
“Yeah. Karen and I both did.” He paused and then whispered so no one else but the three of them could hear. “At the Watchtower of Nezar.”
Josh’s eyes bulged in disbelief, while Michael put his hand to his chin and stroked an imaginary beard. “That makes sense,” he said after a few seconds of pondering.
Realizing how much time they had lost, Alex said, “Don’t tell anyone,” and sent them off, all three diving back into the chaotic scuffle of preparation.
Soon the packing was finished and, amazingly, with the help of a few Elvish words from Rishtaria and Kayla, everything fit comfortably in saddlebags for six horses.
Alex then realized they had forgotten something. “Mom, where’s the tent?”
“We will not need them, son. Kayla and I will prevent rain.”
Alex wondered how his mother could claim such a feat. “If I remember what you have taught me, mother, is one thing summon a force, or to change the path of one. That requires only enough energy to nudge what you wish to control and then let it take its own course. But to stop a force entirely?”
Aunt Kayla walked up and smiled deviously. In an unsettling way, it reminded Alex of Karen. “Most perceptive, Alex. You have listened well, but you misunderstand. It is not our objective to stop the rain. We will merely send it somewhere else.”
“Where?”
Rishtaria and Kayla looked at each other and smiled. “Here,” Rishtaria said. Then, she and Kayla went to a closet and called the children together.
“Preparations complete,” Kayla said. “Soon Xavier and Raphael will return with the additional horses. There are two matters to address before their arrival. One.” She and Rishtaria pulled out three black longcoats and five hooded dark velvet robes, matching the coats and robes worn by the parents. Each garment was the perfect size for its intended recipient.
“These coats are unique,” Rishtaria said. “They will not rip or wear, and as you grow, they will grow. Do not lose them, for they also offer protection from some injuries.”
“Two,” Kayla said, “I do not believe in sentimental attachment, but you do. So, anything you wish to keep, we will store in a vault under these houses that is impenetrable to all but us. Mind, these things will probably be useful for nothing except tangible memories if and when you ever return to them, but it is a far better fate than would otherwise be.”
Immediately the children scramble to and fro, collecting everything they ever held dear and depositing it in the vault. When they had finished, Rishtaria and Kayla added to the stash, depositing valuables, jewelry, and anything else that might be remotely useful for their children later in life. The last thing to enter was a chunk of solid skanithium, an extremely rare metal stronger than steel even in its impure form, and that, when forged, could shatter lesser metals and even stone. After this, Kayla and Rishtaria spoke a few words in Duenda, sealing the vault to all who did not know the entry word.
At that very moment, Xavier and Raphael returned with six fresh horses, having traded their own tired steeds, which were nevertheless in good condition. After the horses were saddled and loaded, Xavier sent the younger kids outside with their mothers while he, Raphael, Alex, Karen, Michael, and Chandra stayed behind. After Xavier explained their objective, they went to work. Raphael brought forth spears and crossbows that Alex had no idea his parents even owned. When Michael came with some thing wire and metal springs, the six set about arranging their grisly trap, first in the Tafari house, and then in the Munashe house. Soon they were finished. As they were leaving, Alex rushed back into the house, his face aglow with the excitement n one who has just had a brilliant idea.
Xavier followed him in and asked, “What is it Alex? We must be leaving.”
Alex returned from the depths of the house, careful not to set off any of the carefully laid snares, carrying a pen, some ink, and a scrap of parchment. He laid the items out on the table and began to write as his father looked over his shoulder.
My Dear Captain Halifax…
When he had finished, Alex held the note up for his father’s inspection.
Xavier smiled and nodded his approval. After he sealed the note, both father and son left the house, as it seemed, never to return.
Rejoining the rest of the family, they saddled up. Everyone rode in pairs. The four youngest children: Zenobia, Rachel, Kiturah, and Josh, rode with Xavier, Raphael, Kayla, and Rishtaria, in order to minimize the weight on the horses. Alex and Karen, who knew how to ride alone, were paired with Michael and Chandra. Then, they all said their goodbyes to Mora, saluting the town with a cloud of dust.
They rode all day, stopping briefly once to allow the younger ones food and rest. Once night fell, they were far from Mora. They made camp, building a small, smokeless fire. They then ate a small meal, carefully rationing the food they had brought. After they ate, Alex asked a question that had been bothering him.
“Dad, why are we heading southeast?”
“Our destination is the port city of Olorad, but we cannot head directly east because that will take us too close to Acropolis, and there may be soldiers there with orders to arrest us.
“But why are we heading to Olorad at all? Why not head west, across the Nuba river into Makeris? That is your homeland, and Uncle Raphael’s. Couldn’t we seek shelter there?”
“It is true that Princepian troops would not dare follow is into the sands of the Kamet Desert and into Makerisan territory, but we still cannot venture there. We do not have supplies enough to cross the desert.”
“Couldn’t we go to Mount Shinai? There we could resupply and head toward the river Gyptos. We could then cross it into East Makeris, where–”
Xavier shook his head. “Alex, I know what we could do, but we will not, for reasons I can’t tell you right now.”
“Ok. Can you tell us why we are heading to Olorad, then?”
“Yes, I can. Everyone, gather around.” Xavier stood next to the fire to address the children as they grouped around it. “We have put enough distance between us and our pursuers for tonight. We have some time to talk about why we left Mora. You are all probably confused as to how this began. But first, I think it is only proper that you understand your power, that is the power that the older ones of you have learned, as well as the powers that the Elves possess. We have delayed this explanation far too long, and our procrastination has cost us. Would you like to begin Rishtaria?” he asked. Striding a few steps away from the fire, he began to pace back and forth.
“I will,” she said, standing. “There are four Gifts, given to the Four Young Races: The Giants, the Elves, the Dwarves, and Men. The gift given to the Elves, Jianai is our name for ourselves, is called Enchantment.”
This elicited much murmuring among the children until Michael got up the courage to ask, “I thought you told us sorcery was bad?”
“Michael, you must never confuse the gift of Enchantment with the black art of Sorcery. Enchantment was given to the Elves by the Powers Above themselves, while Sorcery, called witchcraft by some, is an evil, twisted adulteration of the gift and draws its powers from the forces of darkness. Now,” she said, pulling her hair out of her face, “the power of Enchantment grants an elf a the knowledge of energy, force, and matter and how to bend them. All lesser elements are derived from these three. With this, we can perform many of the feats that you have witnessed, and more.”
The kids gazed on intently. Some were lapping up the knowledge like water, and others, particularly Josh, were trying to fight exhaustion from the day’s ride.
“Different Elves often have specializations in their enchantment. This is how the use of their power comes most naturally. Because you are half-elves, you have inherited the gift of enchantment, but your specializations are locked. You cannot change them. Thus, Alex’s will always be fire energy, Michael’s will always be crystal, Karen’s will always be light energy, and April will always be concerned with the things that grow. Even though you could use your power in other ways briefly, to stop an arrow or to find water for example, it would be very tiring.”
“Does that mean that our powers will always be restricted?” Michael asked, crossing his arms. “If our powers cripple us, why use them?”
Now it was Kayla’s turn to speak. She fixed Michael with a cold glare and said, “A misunderstanding. Your powers, though bound by conditions, do not cripple you. Question: ‘How do you overcome this obstacle?’ Answer: ‘Creativity.’ You set your own limits, Michael. Your restrictions are only as debilitating as you allow.”
At this point, Xavier returned from his pacing and claimed the floor. “True enough. In fact, although your powers are more limited than a those of a normal enchanter, they are also naturally stronger. We have taught you the basics of using your powers, but there is much more that you must learn. That in part is why we are going to Olorad.” After this, Xavier moved into a brief account of the ordeal concerning the incident at Nezar as he knew it.
As he did, Alex’s attention was called back to the strange mark on Karen’s arm that had appeared while they were imprisoned. He thought to broach the subject, and soon he found his opportunity.
After Xavier finished his account, he called upon Alex and Karen to explain themselves. Alex went first, and started with the fight he and Karen had gotten into, but didn’t dwell on it for too long. He then moved to their arrest, mentioning the blinding of the soldiers and Karen’s blackout. All the while, Xavier’s face was stern, while Raphael nodded in understanding. Alex then moved to their imprisonment and Karen’s second blackout. He stopped with the appearance of the symbol on her arm. The parents seemed to take special note of this.
“Karen,” Xavier said in a low voice, “do you disagree with Alex’s account?”
“No, Uncle.”
“Very well then. Now, show us this symbol.”
Karen walked slowly toward the center of the camp, stopping in front of Xavier so that he could inspect the marking by firelight. The parents gathered around and stared at her arm intently, as if they recognized the strange emblem.
“Well, Powers Above…” Raphael said breathlessly.
“Another complication,” Xavier said, furrowing his brow.
Kayla and Rishtaria were silent.
“We must certainly get to Olorad now,” Xavier said to the other parents in a low voice.
Alex overheard, and tentatively interrupted their reverie. “But you still haven’t told us why. Why are we going to Olorad, to the Eastern Sea of all places?”
Xavier turned to address the children. “Alex and Karen are privy to knowledge that some of you do not have, so I must first say that we are members of an organization that exists both within and beyond the dominion of Men. We are dedicated to the protection and defense of the entire known world, from the easternmost border of Venertia, to the westernmost edge of the Elderland. Our order enlists Men, Dwarves, Elves, and Giants alike, even some who are of the ancient Elder Races, though they be few and far between. It includes warriors, spies, enchanters, sages, seers, craftsmen, ambassadors, and alchemists. We are the Divinely Ordained and Noble Order of the Knights Telessar.”
After Xavier had finished his lengthy statement, confusion erupted as all the kids tried to talk at once. Xavier called for silence and began to continue. “Our order is powerful, but we operate only with consent from the region’s sovereign power. Nevertheless, some view us as a threat. They, like Captain Halifax, would see our order extinguished. If Captain Halifax had caught us a second time, he would have killed us on the spot, never mind arrest. He may have sent messengers ahead to warn other garrisons, so we must be cautious around towns.”
There was more murmuring among the children, exuding a sense of general panic.
“We are going to Olorad because there we can find a member of our order who will give us a ship. From there, along with his crew, we will sail across the Eastern Sea until we reach an island which is called Eilantís by the Elves. There is the headquarters of our order. Its original name has been lost to time, but we call it Ataní Vellion in Duenda, the Gemstone City. Once we reach there, you will be enrolled in Everstar Academy, where you will complete your education until you are inducted and join our order.”
This time, rather than murmuring or shouting, the children grew deathly quiet. Michael then mustered the courage to speak up. “Do we have to?”
Rishtaria bent down to her thirteen-year-old son and pressed her hands against his face. She sensed fear and panic within his mind. “Yes, son. It is for your safety that we take you to Ataní Vellion. And you must continue your schoolwork and learn to use your gifts anyway. However, once you have completed, it will be your choice whether or not to join our order in full. But by that time, I think you will have warmed to the idea.”
Alex was still not satisfied. One question of his had yet to be answered. “And what of Karen’s mark? What does it mean?”
Raphael, who had been unnaturally silent during the discussion, now stood to speak. “I will answer that. This symbol is called the Eye of Zavellor, named after the First Power, and representing the omniscience and perfect wisdom of the Powers Above. There is a sect of elves who use it as their emblem, but traditionally, the symbol has been used by Zavellor himself to mark his servants, the Níroths.”
Karen gulped, not sure if she wished to hear the answer to her question. “Who are they?”
“The Níroths are, as I said, servants of Zavellor and the Powers. No more, no less. No one can even think to order a Níroth to do anything unless such authority comes directly from the Powers. Níroths are also known to be extremely talented with the gifts of their race, which means you, Karen, will no doubt be one of the strongest enchanters yet, as well as the first Níroth to be…” Raphael chose his words carefully, “Of two species.”
While Karen was yet aglow with both excitement and anxiety, Xavier called the four oldest of the kids over into the shadows beyond the fire. “There is one more thing,” he whispered. He then produced a curious wrapped bundle of leather, which he unwound, revealing four swords and their sheaths. They were duplicates of those Alex had seen the parents use at Nezar, but of appropriate size and weight for smaller users. There were two like Xavier’s and Raphael’s for Alex and Michael, and two like Rishtaria’s and Kayla’s for Karen and Chandra.
“See Chandra,” Michael said, “I told you learning swordplay wasn’t useless.”
Chandra merely rolled her eyes in response.
“Remember this: these are not toys. Unlike your training weapons, these can kill you just as easily as an enemy. The blade is sharp enough to split a leaf in midair. Ordinarily, it would be foolish to give you these, but under the circumstances, it would be foolish not to.”
Just don’t let Josh get a hold of it, Alex thought. He now inspected the weapon up close. He could now see that it was rather undecorated except for a few glyphs on the subtly curved blade. The weapon was designed to be drawn with ease, speed, and efficiency, and those same qualities would also no doubt describe its use.
“It is chiefly a weapon of convenience,” Xavier said. “They are meant for you to conceal them within your coats, rather than wear them at the side.” He then showed them how to access the secret pocket sewn into their coats and draw their swords from it, demonstrating both what to do, and what not to do, so that they would avoid hurting themselves. After they had practiced to his satisfaction, he released them. “Bear these weapons well,” he said. “Now go and get some rest. We still have much ground to cover.”
————————————————-
Thoughts?
sorry, this one’s a lot longer than the others. I may have to break it up. I think I got carried away. you know how fickle inspiration is.
It seems very removed from Alex’s perspective.
Hmm, I think you’re right about the chapter-length. Still, it took me a year to figure out why chapters that are 10,000 words might be a problem, heh heh.
–I’d recommend cutting out the narratorial phrase “The Night Before.”
I’m really not feeling it for the siblings.
–These families are quite large and, several chapters in, this is the first we’ve heard of any of the siblings. I think it may help to remove them, particularly Alex’s siblings. Alternately, since there are six (!) siblings now, maybe you could merge them into 1 or 2 characters? There are a LOT of people in this scene (4 adults + 2 main characters + 6 siblings) and I think removing most of the kids (if not all of them) would help unclutter it.
–”Alex and Karen were not the only children in the two households” is a bit redundant with the next sentence.
–”little Zenobia, who was the youngest of all of the children.” First, I think the phrase “was the youngest of all the children” is redundant with the word little.
–The line about Zenobia worries me. It sounds like we’re being introduced to a cute-and-spunky kid like the much-maligned Scrappy Doo. However, your readers are probably boys 12-15 years old that want to read about an 14 year-old action protagonist and not his cute-and-spunky little sister. :-/
The first paragraph is quite long.
“Alex, Karen, Chandra and Michael have already discovered that gift, and we have already been teaching them to use it.” This strikes me as backstory. I’d recommend thinking about having Alex and Karen be the only ones in the family that have gotten old enough to get their powers yet. I think that will make them seem more special and will help the kids from hijacking the scene.
I think Alex and Karen are missing from the scene, at least early on. I’ll agree with Holliequ that this is very removed from Alex.
The Alex-Joshua conversation does not work very well. I liked the Karen-Kitshura conversation much better. (Even though it is very cute and may put off the audience, I think it shows us something interesting about Karen).
The detail about the vault is a bit unbelievable, particularly for a character that is purportedly unsentimental like Kayla. Armed men are coming to the house to kill them all. Moving all of their toys and stuff to the vault may feel like it’s not urgent enough. They’ve got to move. If Kayla is really hardcore, she may think in terms of what she can barter with later on. (“We should take this. I think I could trade it for a packhorse.” “That was a wedding gift from my mother!” “Yes, and she would want us to use it to stay alive.”)
“Immediately the children scramble” — that’s in present tense.
I found the geography lesson a bit overwhelming. (Olorad, Acropolis, Nuba river, Makeris, Kamet desert, Makerisan territory, Mount Shinai, Gyptos river, East Makeris). I would recommend condensing that considerably. If the point here is to establish that Alex (and the audience) doesn’t know why the family is heading to one place and not the other, just have Xavier cut off Alex almost immediately and say that he’s not ready to discuss that yet.
“We have put enough distance between us and our pursuers for tonight.” They have? That was fast.
Umm, hmm. A few lines into the description of the origins of elvenkind and the powers, my eyes kind of glazed over hard and I walked around my house for 10 minutes. When I came back and saw the next line (“Enchantment was given to the Elves by the Powers Above themselves, while Sorcery, called witchcraft by some, is an evil, twisted adulteration of the gift and draws its powers from the forces of darkness”), my legs started to bolt again.
I think this feels like an infodump. I’d recommend making it more personal and making into something of a training event more than a purely expository one.
–I’d rather see the father and/or mother training Alex than getting a chunk about the difference between Enchantment and Sorcery.
–I’d REALLY recommend axing the siblings. All of them. I feel they are taking me into Davis-esque levels of surliness and aggression. One of the advantages is that I think this scene will be more intimate if it’s just Alex and his parents sitting around a campfire. (Maybe Karen and her parents are nearby, but it may help if they’re off-camera).
More geography. Venertia, Elderland, and a lot of capitalized words (Men, Dwarves, Giants, Elder Races, Divinely Ordained and Noble Order of the Knights Telessar). I would recommend cutting down the name of the order to just the Knights Telessar here.
“his lengthy statement…” As a rule, writing that calls attention to itself like the above needlessly wordy statement, is probably better off in a less intrusive form.
Atani Vellion…
The discussion of the Eye of Zavellor is a bit hard to get into. I have no idea what the First Power is. Or a Niroth. Or Zavellor.
Be right back.
How bad is the sibling problem? I need the siblings so that Alex and Karen will be fighting each other for leadership of a group, not just to fight. That said, they need to lead someone. I thought they would both need supporters, so I gave them siblings. Also, I’m not very fond of the only child scenario (no offense to any of you out there). The siblings won’t be around for very long. In fact, they pretty much disappear when they reach the Academy (Chapter 9). The parents are separated from them in the next chapter, so it would only be the 8 kids. each of them has a distinct personality.
Chandra- straight-laced and common sensical
Michael- Sacrcastic
Josh- troublemaker
Kiturah- drama queen
Rachel- silent/sensitive/cry baby
Zenobia- playful trickster
How is their interaction different (i.e. more damaging) than Alex interacting with friends? I just want to give him a group to lead.
*Sigh* Okay, perhaps if I explain why i want to use these characters, you can suggest which ones to *sniffle* let go.
Michael- he is Alex’s right hand, but also keeps him in check.
Joshua- he is Alex’s obstacle, and is often the reason Alex’s plans don’t work.
Zenobia- She gives the older ones something especially to protect. She MUST NOT get hurt. She also has common ground with both sides (she’s Alex’s sister, but she’s also a girl). She also has sporadic bursts of wisdom and convinces Alex and Karen to stop feuding.
Chandra- Keeps the group focused. Very goal-oriented. Most likely to say “That’s great, but THIS is what we should be focused on.”
Kiturah & Rachel- probably the most dispensable, simply because they are mostly Karen’s backup, and aside from personality, don’t add much.
Finally, these characters were created for two reasons primarily:
1. I wanted some good, old fashioned boy vs girl action where the boys ACTUALLY WIN!!! Why does that never happen in movies, books, etc.? It bugs me! GRRRR! I want my story to be different, and no its not sexism. I’m just tired of my gender getting the short end of the stick. Sorry about the rant.
2. These characters were originally based on people I know, though I won’t call names, and Kiturah is based on my sister (have I gotten myself in a jam or what?). For the record, this was BEFORE i heard of the “no-friend-characters” rule. (Also, Alex’s struggles with Karen are inspired by my own struggles with a girl I know, but I think that detail merits enough to stay in the book.)
Suggestions?
This is what I get for reading Brisingr before writing. I knew I should have picked up the Silmarillion instead, but I just had to finish it. Me and my curiosity.
Also, I hope to revisit the siblings, perhaps in a sequel series.
Also, is there a way I could tell the reader where they are going in a less intrusive manner? Same goes for the “Powers” issue. I am moving away from generic “powers above” references because it is imperative that the reader knows that there are 3 “powers above”. A fairly large part of the story hinges on this point. (Headmaster Gabriel is the Second Power, Auringel, in mortal form.)
The Powers are:
Zavellor- The Infinite Sovereign
Auringel- The Winged Captain (or Son of Zavellor)
Morvishím- The Everpresent (or Breath of Zavellor)
Auringel is especially important to the story.
Suggestions here would be appreciated along with those on above issues.
Oh, and if the book includes a map, would that render the “geogrpahy lesson” easier to stomach or just make it unneccessary?
Also, is there a better way to make the Enchantment/Sorcery distinction? I don’t want my book labeled another “Harry Potter”.
For the record, I’m in writer panic mode.
Hmm, OK, let’s chill for a second. There’s no reason to panic. Music may help.
OK, taking a step back, I think it’s important to note that this is only one guy’s opinion. Don’t get discouraged!
That said, I feel like the sibling problem is serious.
1. The cost of including them is very high. This scene is so urgent (the guards are coming to kill us!) that I feel that it’s not very conducive to introducing a slew of minor characters. At this moment that should feel very climactic for Alex’s life, I felt like I was getting bombarded and distracted by minor characters.
2. The potential benefits of including them are very low. I think that Alex and Karen will probably have enough conflict. Quickly adding in a few followers will probably not add all that much drama, I feel, and adding in six followers is likely to bloat scenes and/or confuse the audience.
3. Having the kids moves the focus of the scene from Alex and Karen to the family as a whole (particularly the parents). I’d recommend sticking with A/K as much as possible. Ahem, they’re the main characters for a reason!
In lieu of getting rid of all the siblings (which I feel is the best option), what would you think about introducing the siblings sooner and removing many/most of them? For example, you could throw in a few lines in the first chapter. (Alex is glad to be getting groceries because he is free from his annoying sibling; he’s surprised to see Karen not accompanied with her sibling). What would you think about one sibling each for Alex and Karen?
“How is their interaction different/more damaging than Alex interacting with friends?” I have a few theories.
1. The age difference between Alex and the siblings creates an annoying amount of cuteness. I suspect this will be a tough sell for the target audience (10-15 year old boys?) I think the characters that are probably most prone to cuteness problems are Josh, Kiturah, Rachel and especially Zenobia. I like Chandra but I think Michael would need some more differentiation from Alex and Karen. (Sarcasm is not unknown to these characters, I feel).
2. I don’t think that we’d be introduced to so many of Alex’s friends at once.
3. If we were introduced to a few of Alex’s friends, I don’t think that Alex’s father would steal the scene as much as he did here. I think we’ve already seen a lot of Xavier running the show so I’d try to get Alex back into the active protagonist role as quickly as possible.
4. Relations with younger siblings tend to feel very grating and lack chemistry. In contrast, friendships are likely to be smoother and more enjoyable to read about. I feel like the relationships with his younger siblings are kind of on the grating side (particularly Joshua).
If I had to pick 3 candidates for survival, I’d recommend Michael, Chandra and maybe an altogether new kid.
Ahem; I agree that it’s probably a good thing for Alex to “win” in the “war” with Karen, largely because I think that he’ll be more engaging to a male audience and I think that’s the audience this story is most-naturally aimed for. I don’t think you need any additional guys or girls to have Alex and Karen go at it tooth and nail.
Please let me know what you think.
After calming down a bit, I agree. It will actually be easier to write the coming chapters if I cut back on the siblings. Also, the people I based these characters on probably wont care that I cut them out anyway. Whew. I also agree with your choices for deletion, though I don’t think Josh would have turned out “cute”. He was just a screw-up, troublemaking goofball. Nothing cute about him, unless you like annoying. I’ll revise the chapters (i split six in half. it’s six and seven now.) and try again.
If i did add a new kid, should it be male or female and whose sibling should it be? (I’m probably going to name-recycle.)
Good question. If you used a total of three siblings, I’d recommend giving Alex only one of them. (That should cut down on the amount of backstory we get from Alex’s point of view). I have some reservations about having that many siblings, but I think five people in a scene could be mostly manageable. Maybe it could work. *crosses fingers hopefully.* I’d just recommend focusing heavily on the Alex-Karen relationship rather than Alex-sibling or Karen-sibling or (worst) sibling-sibling.
I don’t have a preference about whether the third sibling would be male or female, but I suspect it won’t matter much.
Here’s the revision. I was surprised by how much it changed just through a couple changes, a shortening, and some character deletions. I think it’s much closer to Alex now. Also, along with Michael and Chandra I kept Zenobia. Now before you sigh, you must understand that Zenobia is now a completely different character. First, I made her much older (12 instead of 8) to eradicate over-cuteness. Next, I made her more outspoken, rebellious, and slightly troublemakerish by giving her some of Josh’s better characteristics. So now, instead of the baby who must be guarded, she’s more like the sister who’s just completely fed up with Alex’s and Karen’s fighting and wants absolutely no part of it. (Thus, if they start fighting, she could wander off and sulk, which could lead to soldiers finding them, kidnapping, etc. many possibilities.) What think ye of these changes?
———————————
Chapter 6: A Journey into the Knight
As soon as the parents and children were out of sight of the Watchtower, they headed for home, Taking precautions so as not to be followed through the streets of Mora. They rode quickly up to the blue sandstone two-house compound, tying their horses to a hitching post and bursting inside their respective houses. Immediately, they were greeted, with questions and needs. Karen had two younger sisters, Chandra and Zenobia, and Alex had a brother named Michael. Immediately the parents gathered everyone together and, as soon as the kids were calmed, Xavier began his brief explanation.
“Listen closely, for I do not have time to repeat myself. All of you know about the prejudice concerning half-elves, and all of you know that your…” Xavier paused, searching for the right word. He settled on one, but grimaced because it was not quite what he wanted. “…your ethnicity, is as much as gift as a curse, as Alex and Karen have already discovered. Today, when they used them, even though we have admonished them never to use their powers in public, they set in motion a chain of events that cannot now be altered. As a result, we must all pack up everything of necessity and leave the rest behind.”
As soon as he said this, the room became eerily silent as Michael and Chandra, and Zenobia tried to comprehend the gravity of the situation. I should have known this would happen, Alex thought. Then why did you decide to get into trouble? His conscience asked. Alex bit his tongue, stifling the regret. What was done was done.
“We do not have time for the entire story, but I’m asking you to trust me. There is more to this than you know. Know only that this conflict has more to do with us than it does with you and we must leave for your own safety. Soldiers are on their way here now, and every moment we lose, they advance. I want you to help pack. We will travel light and carry only essentials. You must leave behind everything beyond a few changes of clothing. Raphael and I will go and secure more horses. Meanwhile, help your mothers. Go to it!” he said, clapping his hands.
The children’s faces were plagued by looks of confusion, but they did as they were told. Alex and Karen helped to administrate, knowing that they could not hope to carry some of the heavier items, like the frying pan that Michael loved so much, on horseback.
Soon the packing was finished and, amazingly, with the help of a few Elvish words from Rishtaria and Kayla, everything fit comfortably in saddlebags for six horses.
Alex then realized they had forgotten something. “Mom, where are the tents?”
“We will not need them, son. Kayla and I will prevent rain.”
Alex wondered how his mother could claim such a feat. “If I remember what you have taught me, mother, it is one thing summon a force, or to change the path of one. That requires only enough energy to nudge what you wish to control and then let it take its own course. But to stop a force entirely?”
Aunt Kayla walked up and smiled deviously. In an unsettling way, it reminded Alex of Karen. “Most perceptive, Alex. You have listened well, but you misunderstand. It is not our objective to stop the rain. We will merely send it somewhere else.”
“Where?”
Rishtaria and Kayla looked at each other and smiled. “Here,” Rishtaria said. Then, she and Kayla went to a closet and called the children together.
“Preparations complete,” Kayla said. “Soon Xavier and Raphael will return with the additional horses. There are two matters to address before their arrival. One.” She and Rishtaria pulled out two black longcoats and three hooded dark velvet robes, matching the coats and robes worn by the parents. Each garment was the perfect size for its intended recipient.
“These coats are unique,” Rishtaria said. “They will not rip or wear, and as you grow, they will grow. Do not lose them, for they also offer protection from some injuries.”
“Two,” Kayla said, “I do not believe in sentimental attachment,” she rolled her eyes, “but you do. So, against my better judgment, anything you wish to keep, we will store under the house. Mind, these things will probably be useful for nothing except tangible memories if and when you ever return to them, but it is a far better fate than would otherwise be.” Alex then heard her whisper to Rishtaria, “I told you, we should have sold the lot of it. The valuable things anyway. Suppose we need another horse, or some more supplies later?”
“Among that ‘lot’ you mentioned are Mother’s wedding presents. They’re the last things we have of her!”
“Yes, and she would want us to use them to stay alive.”
Meanwhile the children scrambled to and fro, collecting everything they ever held dear and depositing it in a space under the floorboards. Alex was loath to part with his training sword and favorite tunic, and as he put it away, it occurred to him for the first time that his actions had started a new era in not only his life, but the lives of both families. He had changed things. Forever. When the children had finished, Rishtaria added to the stash, depositing valuables, jewelry, and anything else remotely useful or memorable. The last thing to enter was a chunk of solid skanithium, an extremely rare metal stronger than steel, even in its impure form, and that, when forged, could shatter lesser metals and even stone. After this, Kayla and Rishtaria spoke in Duenda, sealing the space to all who did not know the entry word.
At that very moment, Xavier and Raphael returned with six fresh horses, having traded their own tired steeds, which were nevertheless in good condition. After the horses were saddled and loaded, Xavier sent the three younger kids outside with their mothers while he, Raphael, Alex, and Karen stayed behind. After Xavier explained their objective, they went to work. Raphael brought forth spears and crossbows that Alex had no idea his parents even owned. When Karen came with some thing wire and metal springs, the six set about arranging their grisly trap, first in the Tafari house, and then in the Munashe house. Soon they were finished. As they were leaving, Alex rushed back into the house, his face aglow with the excitement of one who has just had a brilliant idea.
Xavier followed him in and asked coarsely, “What is it Alex? We must be leaving.”
Alex returned from the depths of the house, careful not to set off any of the carefully laid snares, carrying a pen, some ink, and a scrap of parchment. He laid the items out on the table and began to write as his father looked over his shoulder.
My Dear Captain Halifax…
When he had finished, Alex held the note up for his father’s inspection.
Xavier smiled and nodded his approval. After he sealed the note, both father and son left the house, as it seemed, never to return.
Rejoining the rest of the family, they saddled up. The kids rode in pairs, Michael with Alex and Chandra with Karen. Then, they all said their goodbyes to Mora, saluting the town with a cloud of dust.
——————-
Thoughts?
I like the improvements. What do you think?
I think it’s improved a lot, although it’s still removed from Alex’s perspective. However, in the first sentence I doubt “taking” is supposed to be capitalised.
I’m also not really keen on Zenobia as a girl. If you’re planning a conflict between Karen and Alex later, I think it’s a bit . . . contrived. I don’t like the guy vs. girl conflicts, myself. Or rather, I don’t like how in many cases the gender seems to take precedence over the characters. If the guy/girl wins, it should be because of something about their character.
Um, sorry about the mini-rant. It’s something I find annoying.
Oh, Zenobia is not part of the conflict. She wants absolutely no part of it. And, I don’t think its too contrived that a family could have three female children. Is it? I mean, I’ve seen it happen. Zenobia is more rebellious and tomboyish now also, so its kind of a happy medium. What exactly would be helped if I made her a boy?
Also, what do you mean by “removed from Alex” and how could I move it closer to him?
OK, I’m mostly through it so far. Generally speaking, I think it’s much better.
As soon as the parents and children were out of sight of the Watchtower, they headed for home, Taking precautions so as not to be followed through the streets of Mora.
–I’d recommend describing some of these precautions.
…
“they were greeted, with questions and needs.”
–This phrase strikes me as awkward. I don’t think someone can be really greeted with a need. This is also a passive construction with an action conducted by invisible actors. First, I think it would be easiest if this were narrowed to a single house (probably Alex’s), and just his sibling. For example, what would you think about “As soon as Alex burst in the door, he was greeted with frantic questions from his little brother Michael.”
“Immediately the parents gathered everyone together and, as soon as the kids were calmed, Xavier began his brief explanation.”
–I like Xavier, but he gets too much screentime. I’d recommend removing him and the parents from this scene as much as possible. For example, maybe he decides to go off on a decoy mission to distract/delay the guards and sends Alex and Karen to round up their families and get ready to run as soon as he shows up.
–I think Xavier’s address to the family is too long:
–Sentence 1 is removable. We already know this is a tense moment and this doesn’t add much.
–His uneasiness about the word ethnicity (instead of something like lineage?) doesn’t seem to add very much here. I think that what matters is that the guards are coming to kill them and they have to leave immediately. I’d recommend shortening this monologue to something like “we’re all in grave danger. We have to get out of town immediately. You have five minutes to pack a few essentials.” The readers already know why they have to leave (Alex/Karen showing off), so it’s not so important to go over those details.
The internal monologuing doesn’t strike me as particularly good, but I appreciate that Alex is in the spotlight.
“the room became eerily silent and Michael and Chandra, and Zenobia tried to comprehend the gravity of the situation.” I have a few problems with this line.
–”tried to comprehend the gravity of the situation” is something that is too sophisticated for pretty young tweens. It would probably fit in better if we were talking about cabinet secretaries addressing a crisis.
–The use of the character names is a bit awkward. I’d recommend leaving this to something like “the younger siblings” rather than name all 3 individually.
“We do not have time for the entire story, but I’m asking you to trust me. There is more to this than you know. Know only that this conflict has more to do with us than it does with you and we must leave for your own safety. Soldiers are on their way here now, and every moment we lose, they advance. I want you to help pack. We will travel light and carry only essentials. You must leave behind everything beyond a few changes of clothing. Raphael and I will go and secure more horses. Meanwhile, help your mothers. Go to it!” he said, clapping his hands.
–This could almost entirely be removed. It’s not bad, but it’s just too redundant with what we already know. The only detail that is distinctly new is that he alludes to information that he’s not ready to tell them yet.
I don’t know what’s going on with the frying pan. If it’s just supposed to be a wacky joke, I think it doesn’t quite fit in this scene. I don’t think it’s a bad joke, but it isn’t quite consistent with the mood here.
The detail about the tents can probably be removed here; if you wanted to discuss the details of how they sleep outdoors at night, I’d just have the narrator describe what the mother does that night to ward off the rain. That information will fit in better into a less-intense scene (like them trying to camp) than a very intense scene (the guards are coming!)
I’d recommend eliminating the detail about the elven magic that helps them pack up. I think the detail weakens the drama by making their lives easier. (Also, it might embroil readers by making them wonder just how much ARE they able to pack? Why do they need to leave anything behind?)
“They’re the last things we have of her!” In this sentence, the word “things” could probably be replaced by something more sentimental and meaningful. IE: “They’re family heirlooms!” Then the next line from Kayla could play off the word family. “And she would want us to use them to keep the family alive.”
“It occurred to him for the first time that his actions had started a new era…” Too passive (and long), I think. I’d rather have him reminisce about something he’ll never be able to do again. He’ll never buy groceries in this town again, that’s for sure.
I think the skanithium gets too much description. I’d recommend introducing it later when it matters. Alternatively, if you want to introduce here, just leave it as an “extremely resilient metal.”
“Kayla and Rishtaria spoke in Duenda, sealing the space…” I think this is pretty smooth. I think the phrase “spoke in Duenda” is very easy to read through.
“…having traded their own tired steeds, which were nevertheless in good condition.” Relevant?
“first in the Tafari house, and then in the Munashe house.” I’d recommend replacing this with “first in one house, and then the other.” It’s a bit shorter and avoids the last-names (which have not come up very often so far).
As they were leaving, Alex rushed back into the house, his face aglow with the excitement of one who has just had a brilliant idea.
–Possibly awkward. I’d recommend something like “As they were leaving, a brilliant idea struck Alex and his face lit up. He rushed back into the house.”
OK, in all this is much better. I think you’re ready to proceed. (Wow, that was fast).
i had a read i like it if ya listen to b mac it will be even better
thanks. actually, the point of the rain comment was to explain the adverse weather that plagued captain halifax. heh heh. I thought you’d catch that.
what do you think of this:
“He would never again swim in the river with his brother. He would never again see the poor children to whom he was so amusing, some of his only friends. He would never again buy cabbage in the market. But then again, that last one might not be so bad.”
What do you think of the now chapter 7:
——————–
Chapter 7: Campfire Discussion
The families rode all day, without stopping. Once night fell, they were far from Mora. They made camp, building a small, smokeless fire and ate a small meal, carefully rationing the food they had brought. Afterward, Alex caught his father alone away from the campfire and asked a question that had been bothering him since the journey began.
“Dad, why are we heading southeast?”
“Our destination is the port city of Olorad, but we cannot head directly east because that will take us too close to the capital, and there may be soldiers there with orders to arrest us. Instead we will skirt the capital and then continue northeastward.”
“But why are we heading to Olorad at all? Why not head west, across the Nuba into Makeris? That is your homeland and Uncle Raphael’s. Couldn’t we seek shelter there?”
“It is true that Princepian troops would not dare follow is into Makerisan territory, but we still cannot venture there. We do not have supplies enough to cross the desert.”
“But Dad–”
Xavier shook his head. “Alex, I know what we could do, but we will not, for reasons I can’t tell you right now.”
“Ok. Can you tell me why we are heading to Olorad, then?”
“Yes.” Xavier stood turned to look his son in the eye, and saw questioning, doubt, and perhaps a hint of fear in those otherwise valiant red portals. “You see, son, the Knights are powerful, but we operate only with consent from the region’s sovereign power. Nevertheless, some view us as a threat and would see our order extinguished. If Captain Halifax had caught us a second time, he would have killed us on the spot, never mind arrest. He may have sent messengers ahead to warn other garrisons, so we must be cautious around towns. In Olorad we can find a member of our order who will give us a ship. From there, along with his crew, we will sail across the sea until we reach the headquarters of our order. When we arrive, you will be enrolled in Everstar Academy, where you will complete your education until you are inducted and join our order.”
Alex stared at his father in disbelief, wondering what else there was that he did not know. “Won’t you and mom still have time to teach us?”
“No Alex. We have been called back to our headquarters to attend to some urgent business. We would have left anyway. Halifax’s pursuit has merely hastened our departure, and forced us to leave things we might otherwise have taken.” He sighed. “Have everyone gather around the fire. We have delayed this explanation far too long, and our procrastination has cost us.”
When everyone had gathered, Xavier walked into the light of the fire, and spoke with a heavy voice, as if he were about to prophesy the doom of everyone sitting before him. “Alex and Karen are privy to knowledge that the three of you do not have, so I must first say that we are members of an organization that exists both within and beyond the dominion of Men. We are dedicated to the protection and defense of the entire known world. Our order enlists people of all races, even some of peoples that were born long before our own, though they be few and far between. It includes warriors, spies, enchanters, sages, seers, craftsmen, ambassadors, and alchemists. We are the Knights Telessar.”
After Xavier had finished his statement, Michael and Chandra were visibly shocked, and Michael’s eyes bore a questioning look.
Zenobia on the other hand was tomboyishly enthralled, and broke the silence. “Awesome.”
After this, Xavier moved into a brief account of the ordeal concerning the incident at Nezar as he knew it, as well as a recap of everything he had revealed to Alex. He then called on Alex and Karen to present the story from their point of view. They started with the fight they had gotten into, but didn’t dwell on it for too long, and then moved to their arrest, with Alex mentioning the blinding of the soldiers and Karen’s blackout, which even she was surprised to hear of because she did not remember it.
All the while, Xavier’s face was stern, while Raphael nodded in understanding. Rishtaria gazed intently while Kayla seemed impassive.
Alex then moved to their imprisonment and Karen’s second blackout. He stopped with the appearance of the symbol on her arm. The parents, who were hearing this all for the first time, seemed to take special note of this last detail.
“Karen,” Xavier said in a low voice, “show us this symbol.”
Karen walked slowly toward the center of the camp, stopping in front of Xavier so that he could inspect the marking by firelight. The parents gathered around and stared at her arm intently, as if they recognized the strange emblem.
“Well, Powers Above…” Raphael said breathlessly.
“Another complication,” Xavier said, furrowing his brow.
Kayla and Rishtaria were silent.
“We must certainly get to Olorad now,” Xavier said to the other parents in a low voice.
Alex was eager to answer the question that had been gnawing at him ever since the imprisonment. “What does it mean?”
Raphael, who had been unnaturally silent during the discussion, nodded to Xavier as if to say, I’ll handle this.
Acknowledging the look, Xavier go up and walked away toward the horses.
“This symbol,” Raphael said, pointing to Karen’s arm, “is called the Discerning Eye, and represents the omniscience and perfect wisdom of the Powers Above. There is a sect of elves who use it as their emblem, but traditionally, the symbol has been used by the Powers to mark their servants, the Níroths.”
Karen gulped, not sure if she wished to hear the answer to her question. “Who are they?”
“The Níroths are, as I said, servants of the Powers Above. No more, no less. They are also known to be extremely talented with the gifts of their race, which means your powers, Karen, will only get stronger, and you will no doubt be one of the strongest enchanters yet, and the first Níroth to be…” Raphael chose his words carefully, “Of two species.”
While Karen was yet aglow with both excitement and anxiety, Alex was slightly miffed. Why was she chosen and not me? he thought.
Michael was confused. “I thought you told us sorcery was bad?”
“Michael, you must never confuse the gift of enchantment with the black art of sorcery. Enchantment is a blessing, given to the Elves by the Powers Above, while sorcery, called witchcraft by some, is an evil, twisted adulteration of the gift and draws its power from the forces of darkness,” she said, pulling her hair out of her face. “Each race has its own gift, and because you are half-elves, you have inherited this power of enchantment, but your abilities are locked. You cannot change them. Thus, Alex will always be fire and Karen will always be light. You could use your power in other ways briefly, to stop an arrow or to find water for example, but it would be very tiring.”
“Does that mean that our powers will always be restricted?” Michael asked, crossing his arms. “If our powers cripple us, why use them?”
Now it was Kayla’s turn to speak. She fixed Michael with a cold glare and said, “A misunderstanding. Your powers, though bound by conditions, do not cripple you. Creativity is how you overcome this obstacle. You set your own limits, Michael. Your restrictions are only as debilitating as you allow.”
At this point, Xavier returned from his pacing and claimed the floor. “True enough. In fact, although your powers are more limited than a those of an elf, they are also naturally stronger, and Karen’s will now be far more so. We have taught you the basics of using you gifts, but there is much more that you must learn, which is why we will enroll you in Everstar Academy.”
After an awkward pause, Michael mustered the courage to speak up. “Do we have to?”
Rishtaria bent down to her thirteen-year-old son and pressed her hands against his face. She sensed fear and panic within his mind. “Yes, son. It is for your safety that we take you to the Knights. And you must continue your schoolwork and learn to use your gifts anyway. However, once you have completed, it will be your choice whether or not to join our order in full. But by that time, I think you will have warmed to the idea.”
Just then, Xavier walked back. “There is one more thing,” he said, and produced a curious wrapped bundle of leather which he unwound, revealing five swords and their sheaths. They were duplicates of those Alex had seen the parents use at Nezar, but of appropriate size and weight for smaller users. There were two like Xavier’s and Raphael’s for Alex and Michael, and three like Rishtaria’s and Kayla’s for Karen and Chandra.
“See Chandra,” Michael said, “I told you learning swordplay wasn’t useless.”
Chandra merely rolled her eyes in response.
Meanwhile, Zenobia seemed to be thrilled and awestruck, and began to test the weapon out until Xavier caught her with a glare.
“Remember this: these are not toys. Unlike training weapons, these can kill you just as easily as an enemy. The blade is sharp enough to split a leaf in midair. Ordinarily, it would be foolish to give you these, but under the circumstances, it would be foolish not to.”
Cool, Alex thought. Perhaps I should name it. He now inspected the weapon up close. He could now see that it was rather undecorated except for a few glyphs on the subtly curved blade. The weapon was designed to be drawn with ease, speed, and efficiency, and those same qualities would also no doubt describe its use.
“It is chiefly a weapon of convenience,” Xavier said, “meant for you to conceal within your coats, rather than wear at the side.” He then showed them how to access the secret pocket sewn into their coats and draw their swords from it, demonstrating both what to do, and what not to do, so that they would avoid hurting themselves. After they had practiced to his satisfaction, he released them. “Bear these weapons well,” he said. “Now go and get some rest. We still have much ground to cover.”
A few observations…
The title, Campfire Discussion, could probably be improved. It doesn’t sound like much is at stake.
“…there may be soldiers there with orders to arrest us…”
–I’d recommend cutting the speculation here. “Those roads are teeming with soldiers.”
If the real issue he doesn’t want to go across the desert is something other than the lack of supplies, I’d recommend cutting the lack of supplies from the conversation. It’s kind of a red herring.
“saw questioning, doubt, and perhaps a hint of fear in those otherwise valiant red portals”
–This is a bit overwrought, especially “those otherwise valiant red portals.”
–I’d recommend showing us what he sees in the eyes that suggests questioning, doubt or fear.
“From there, along with his crew, we will sail across the sea until we reach the headquarters of our order. When we arrive, you will be enrolled in Everstar Academy, where you will complete your education until you are inducted and join our order.”
–I’d recommend shortening this. What would you think about “We will sail until we reach the headquarters of our order. There, you will be enrolled in Everstar Academy, where you will be prepared to join our order.”
I’d kind of prefer if Xavier kept talking to only Alex rather than calling everyone into an audience. As soon as there are many listeners, Xavier becomes the main character of the scene and Alex gets sidelined. In contrast, when there are only two characters, Alex is an active participant even though he doesn’t know as much of the information as Xavier does.
–Also, I notice that Xavier is speaking here mainly for the benefit of Michael and Chandra. The information that is already known to Alex and us is not very interesting (because we already know it), so it could probably be summarized by the narrator. That will help reduce the amount of redundant information.
I think this scene needs a bit more drama. Right now it seems like “Awesome” is the closest anyone gets to actually interacting with Xavier as he is orating. (I’d recommend being careful with Xavier. I notice that of all your characters he’s the most likely to steal scenes from the main character, although he’s probably not as bad as Agent Orange in that regard).
For drama, I’d recommend playing up something unfortunate about the sign of the eye. If it’s just a great honor, I think it will be kind of bleh. If it’s both a blessing and a curse, we might get more out of it here.
You could also use the sign to play up the conflict between Alex and Karen. For example, he’s annoyed that she’s been marked for great power even though she didn’t do anything to deserve it. Maybe she lords it over him. (“I always knew I was meant for greatness!”)
I don’t know what “no more, no less” adds.
“of two species” sounds very scientific and a bit cold.
“you will no doubt be one of the strongest enchanters yet” sounds a bit hyperbolic. I think that “also known to be extremely talented” conveys the same idea but more soberly.
“was slightly miffed…” This should probably be shown rather than told. Also, I don’t think that the internal monologue is that useful.
Ack! I’ll be right back in a few hours to complete this.
New Title for Chapter 7:
“Rest For the Fugitives, Albeit Short”
or just “Rest For the Fugitives”
Hmm… not quite feeling it. I’ll finish up the chapter and see if I can suggest something else.
Yeah, I noticed that Xavier steals the show too. But what can I do? I think the reason that happens so much is that he’s the unquestioned authority figure, the unchallenged leader. That said, no one’s going to interrupt when he’s talking except the other parents.
Revision:
——————————
Chapter 7: Rest For the Fugitives, Albeit Short
The families rode all day, without stopping. Once night fell, they were far from Mora. They made camp, building a small, smokeless fire and ate a small meal, carefully rationing the food they had brought. Afterward, Alex caught his father alone away from the campfire and asked a question that had been bothering him since the journey began.
“Dad, why are we heading southeast?”
“Our destination is the port city of Olorad, but we cannot head directly east because that will take us too close to the capital, and there may be soldiers there with orders to arrest us. Instead we will skirt the capital and then continue northeastward.”
“But why are we heading to Olorad at all? Why not head west, across the Nuba into Makeris? That is your homeland and Uncle Raphael’s. Couldn’t we seek shelter there?”
“It is true that Princepian troops would not dare follow is into Makerisan territory, but we still cannot venture there.”
“But Dad–”
Xavier shook his head. “Alex, I know what we could do, but we will not, for reasons I can’t tell you right now.”
“Ok. Can you tell me why we are heading to Olorad, then?”
“Yes.” Xavier stood turned to look his son in the eye. Those valiant red portals now trembled with questioning, doubt, and perhaps fear. “You see, son, the Knights are powerful, but we operate only with consent from the region’s sovereign power. Nevertheless, some view us as a threat and would see our order extinguished. If Captain Halifax had caught us a second time, he would have killed us on the spot, never mind arrest. He may have sent messengers ahead to warn other garrisons, so we must be cautious around towns. In Olorad we can find a member of our order who will give us a ship. From there, we will sail with his crew across the sea until we reach the headquarters of our order. There you will be enrolled in Everstar Academy, where you will be prepared to join our ranks.”
Alex stared at his father in disbelief, wondering what else there was that he did not know. “Won’t you and mom still have time to teach us?”
“No Alex. We have been called back to our headquarters to attend to some urgent business. We would have left anyway. Halifax’s pursuit has merely hastened our departure, and forced us to leave things we might otherwise have taken.” He sighed. “Have everyone gather around the fire. We have delayed this explanation far too long, and our procrastination has cost us.”
When everyone had gathered, Xavier walked into the light of the fire, and spoke with a heavy voice, as if he were about to prophesy the doom of everyone sitting before him. He then revealed the secret that so far only Alex and Karen were privy to. After he finished his statement, Michael and Chandra were visibly shocked, and Michael’s eyes bore a puzzled look.
Zenobia on the other hand was tomboyishly enthralled, and broke the silence. “Awesome.”
After this, Xavier moved into a brief account of the ordeal concerning the incident at Nezar as he knew it, as well as a recap of everything he had revealed to Alex. He then called on Alex and Karen to present the story from their point of view. They started with the fight they had gotten into, but didn’t dwell on it for too long, and then moved to their arrest, with Alex mentioning the blinding of the soldiers and Karen’s blackout, which even she was surprised to hear of because she did not remember it.
All the while, Xavier’s face was stern, while Raphael nodded in understanding. Rishtaria gazed intently while Kayla seemed impassive.
Alex then moved to their imprisonment and Karen’s second blackout. He stopped with the appearance of the symbol on her arm. The parents, who were hearing this all for the first time, seemed to take special note of this last detail.
“Karen,” Xavier said in a low voice, “show us this symbol.”
Karen walked slowly toward the center of the camp, stopping in front of Xavier so that he could inspect the marking by firelight. The parents gathered around and stared at her arm intently, as if they recognized the strange emblem.
“Well, Powers Above…” Raphael said breathlessly.
“Another complication,” Xavier said, furrowing his brow.
Kayla and Rishtaria were silent.
“We must certainly get to Olorad now,” Xavier said to the other parents in a low voice.
Alex was eager to answer the question that had been gnawing at him ever since the imprisonment. “What does it mean?”
Raphael, who had been unnaturally silent during the discussion, nodded to Xavier as if to say, I’ll handle this.
Acknowledging the look, Xavier go up and walked away toward the horses.
“This symbol,” Raphael said, pointing to Karen’s arm, “is called the Discerning Eye, and represents the omniscience and perfect wisdom of the Powers Above. There is a sect of elves who use it as their emblem, but traditionally, the symbol has been used by the Powers to mark their servants, the Níroths.”
Karen gulped, not sure if she wished to hear the answer to her question. “Who are they?”
“The Níroths are, as I said, servants of the Powers Above.. They are also known to be extremely talented with the gifts of their race, which means your powers, Karen, will only get stronger. If I am correct, you are also the first Níroth to be…” Raphael chose his words carefully, “bispecial.”
While Karen was yet aglow with both excitement and anxiety, Alex scowled. Why was she chosen and not me? he thought.
“I always knew I was meant for greatness!” Karen said smugly, hands on hips.
“Nahala!” Alex said in Duenda. “It is not so! You didn’t even do anything to deserve this.”
“Yes I did. I was better than you.”
Just as it seemed Alex would ignite another fight, Kayla interposed. “Hold, Karen. You do not fully understand. Nírothship is as much a discipline as it is an honor. Because Níroths are in the service of the Powers, they must often roam from place to place. They keep no possessions, they have no real permanent home, and they cannot hold a position of authority beyond their own. You were chosen not only to receive great power, but also to shoulder the burden of a great responsibility. Do not rejoice overmuch. It is a heavy load to carry.”
Karen fell silent at this, and Alex smiled, feeling vindicated.
Michael was confused. “I thought you told us sorcery was bad?”
“Michael, you must never confuse the gift of enchantment with the black art of sorcery. Enchantment is a blessing, given to the Elves by the Powers Above, while sorcery, called witchcraft by some, is an evil, twisted adulteration of the gift and draws its power from the forces of darkness,” she said, pulling her hair out of her face. “Each race has its own gift, and because you are half-elves, you have inherited this power of enchantment, but your abilities are locked. You cannot change them. Thus, Alex will always be fire and Karen will always be light. You could use your power in other ways briefly, to stop an arrow or to find water for example, but it would be very tiring.”
“Does that mean that our powers will always be restricted?” Michael asked, crossing his arms. “If our powers cripple us, why use them?”
Now it was Kayla’s turn to speak. She fixed Michael with a cold glare and said, “A misunderstanding. Your powers, though bound by conditions, do not cripple you. Creativity is how you overcome this obstacle. You set your own limits, Michael. Your restrictions are only as debilitating as you allow.”
At this point, Xavier returned from his pacing and claimed the floor. “True enough. In fact, although your powers are more limited than a those of an elf, they are also naturally stronger, and Karen’s will now be far more so. We have taught you the basics of using you gifts, but there is much more that you must learn, which is why we will enroll you in Everstar Academy.”
After an awkward pause, Michael mustered the courage to speak up. “Do we have to?”
Rishtaria bent down to her thirteen-year-old son and pressed her hands against his face. She sensed fear and panic within his mind. “Yes, son. It is for your safety that we take you to the Knights. And you must continue your schoolwork and learn to use your gifts anyway. However, once you have completed, it will be your choice whether or not to join our order in full. But by that time, I think you will have warmed to the idea.”
Just then, Xavier walked back. “There is one more thing,” he said, and produced a curious wrapped bundle of leather which he unwound, revealing five swords and their sheaths. They were duplicates of those Alex had seen the parents use at Nezar, but of appropriate size and weight for smaller users. There were two like Xavier’s and Raphael’s for Alex and Michael, and three like Rishtaria’s and Kayla’s for Karen and Chandra.
“See Chandra,” Michael said, “I told you learning swordplay wasn’t useless.”
Chandra merely rolled her eyes in response.
Meanwhile, Zenobia seemed to be thrilled and awestruck, and began to test the weapon out until Xavier caught her with a glare.
“Remember this: these are not toys. Unlike training weapons, these can kill you just as easily as an enemy. The blade is sharp enough to split a leaf in midair. Ordinarily, it would be foolish to give you these, but under the circumstances, it would be foolish not to.”
Cool, Alex thought. Perhaps I should name it. He now inspected the weapon up close. He could now see that it was rather undecorated except for a few glyphs on the subtly curved blade. The weapon was designed to be drawn with ease, speed, and efficiency, and those same qualities would also no doubt describe its use.
“It is chiefly a weapon of convenience,” Xavier said, “meant for you to conceal within your coats, rather than wear at the side.” He then showed them how to access the secret pocket sewn into their coats and draw their swords from it, demonstrating both what to do, and what not to do, so that they would avoid hurting themselves. After they had practiced to his satisfaction, he released them. “Bear these weapons well,” he said. “Now go and get some rest. We still have much ground to cover.”
—————————————-
Thoughts?
“Michael, you must never confuse the gift of enchantment with the black art of sorcery. Enchantment is a blessing, given to the Elves by the Powers Above, while sorcery, called witchcraft by some, is an evil, twisted adulteration of the gift and draws its power from the forces of darkness,” she said, pulling her hair out of her face. “Each race has its own gift, and because you are half-elves, you have inherited this power of enchantment, but your abilities are locked. You cannot change them. Thus, Alex will always be fire and Karen will always be light. You could use your power in other ways briefly, to stop an arrow or to find water for example, but it would be very tiring.”
–This strikes me as too long and some of the sentences have too many clauses. For example, “Enchantment is a blessing, given to the Elves by the powers above, while sorcery, called witchcraft by some, is an evil, twisted adulteration of the gift and draws its power from the forces of darkness.” I think that could be altered to “Enchantment is a heavenly blessing; sorcery is the worst sort of soul-twisting witchcraft.” Also, I’d consider replacing the word sorcery with witchcraft throughout the book because witchcraft has a more sinister connotation. I’d recommend coming up with a more evocative replacement for enchantment as well.
–”pulling her hair out of her face.” That’s a kind of random action. Is it necessary?
–”You could use your power in other ways briefly, to stop an arrow or to find water for example, but it would be very tiring.” I’d recommend leaving this more vague and threatening. “…but the consequences could be disastrous.”
“Now it was Kayla’s turn to speak. She fixed Michael with a cold glare and said…”
The first line here is not very smooth– when Kayla starts speaking, we will know it’s her “turn” to speak. I’d recommend replacing this with some variation on “Kayla cut in with a [phrase describing how she's speaking].
At this point, Xavier returned from his pacing and claimed the floor.
–Oof. We went from Rishtaria to Michael to Kayla to Xavier without a mention of Alex in between. I don’t think that Karen is really a major character any more, but coming back to her might help because she at least has the deepest and most dramatic relationship with Alex so far.
“She sensed fear and panic within his mind.” This is something that could probably be shown more powerfully to your readers without drawing on supernatural powers.
Why is Michael the one having this conversation with Rishtaria about the academy? I think that this is a fairly good opportunity to develop Alex in an interesting way. (IE: he doesn’t want to go; he’s uneasy about the enterprise; he was happier with the more traditional education he was getting; he’s worried that things are changing too quickly, whatever… anything that will introduce a bit of conflict between Alex here and pretty much anyone).
–”I told you learning swordplay wasn’t useless. Chandra merely rolled her eyes in response.” This line develops a relationship between two minor characters. Hmm. I think the quip should be delivered by Alex, to Karen. She seems like she’s more into magical combat over physical combat, which is the main reason she was forced to use magic against Alex).
The word “cool” strikes me as too modern. Hmm. Also, I’d this to be shown. For example, maybe he starts excitedly swinging away at things. I think this should be a high-energy sort of experience for him. The inspection element is neat, too, but for something to be “cool” I think this has to be something he wants to get into right away. Inspecting is too intellectual and insufficiently visceral, I think.
I like the detail about cutting a leaf in thin-air.
And for another title, how about just “Fugitives” or “Sheltering Fugitives”?
Of course, the latter implies that someone else is doing the sheltering, but…
What I would do is cut the parents out of chapter 6 by sending them on a decoy mission. Then I’d have Alex and Karen be in charge of getting their siblings ready and packed. In chapter 7, I’d recommend having as much of the chapter as possible consist of two-person conversations where at least one of the conversants is Alex or Karen. If Alex and Xavier are speaking together, then Alex will have an important role to play. In contrast, if Xavier is addressing the family, Alex gets swiped on one side by Xavier and by Michael on the other. When Alex and Karen disappear (which tends to happen whenever Xavier is on-camera), I think the story may feel like it has stalled to readers.
Also, so far I haven’t noticed any role that Michael can play that Alex can’t. Nor do Alex and Michael have much of a relationship. Those details suggest to me that it might be worth removing Michael and handing his lines over to Alex.
Ignore that revision, I’m going to change some stuff. But what do you think of the new title?
I like Fugitives, even though it suggests that the chapter is more intense than it is.
I’m considering changing Kayla’s name. Here’s what I’m considering:
-Siofra
-Zanya
I like Zanya better than Siofra, but I think Kayla is better than either. (Although it probably looks too much like Karen, I think the characters come up rarely enough that it’s not a major problem).
Ok, this revision should be improved in several noteworthy ways. I made several changes in order to bring Alex into the foreground, which involved an unforeseen solution: giving him some of the parents’ dialogue. Consequently, he is more front and center and his relationship with Mike is more developed. I also fixed a BIG boo-boo. Xavier walked back from his pacing/attending to the horses…TWICE! Whew. Good thing I caught that one. I don’t think I want to give him the power to teleport.
———————
Chapter 7: Fugitives
The families rode all day, without stopping. Once night fell, they were far from Mora. They made camp, building a small, smokeless fire and ate a small meal, carefully rationing the food they had brought. Afterward, Alex caught his father alone away from the campfire and asked a question that had been bothering him since the journey began.
“Dad, why are we heading southeast?”
“Our destination is the port city of Olorad, but we cannot head directly east because that will take us too close to the capital, and the roads are swarming with soldiers. Instead, we will skirt the capital and then continue northeastward.”
“But why are we heading to Olorad at all? Why not head west, across the Nuba into Makeris? That is your homeland and Uncle Raphael’s. Couldn’t we seek shelter there?”
“It is true that Princepian troops would not dare follow is into Makerisan territory, but we still cannot venture there.”
“But Dad–”
Xavier shook his head. “Alex, I know what we could do, but we will not, for reasons I can’t tell you right now.”
“Ok. Can you tell me why we are heading to Olorad, then?”
“Yes.” Xavier stood turned to look his son in the eye. Those valiant red portals now trembled with questioning, doubt, and perhaps fear. “You see, son, the Knights are powerful, but we operate only with consent from the region’s sovereign power. Nevertheless, some view us as a threat and would see our order extinguished. If Captain Halifax had caught us a second time, he would have killed us on the spot, never mind arrest. He may have sent messengers ahead to warn other garrisons, so we must be cautious around towns. In Olorad we can find a member of our order who will give us a ship. We will sail with his crew across the sea until we reach the headquarters of our order. There you will be enrolled in Everstar Academy, where you will be prepared to join our ranks.”
Alex stared at his father in disbelief, wondering what else there was that he did not know. “Won’t you and mom still have time to teach us?”
“No Alex. We have been called back to our headquarters to attend to some urgent business. We would have left anyway. Halifax’s pursuit has merely hastened our departure, and forced us to leave things we might otherwise have taken.” He sighed. “Have everyone gather around the fire. We have delayed this explanation far too long, and our procrastination has cost us.”
When everyone had gathered, Xavier walked into the light of the fire, and spoke with a heavy voice, as if he were about to prophesy the doom of everyone sitting before him. He then revealed the secret that so far only Alex and Karen were privy to. After he finished his statement, Chandra was visibly shocked, and Michael’s eyes bore a puzzled look.
Zenobia on the other hand was tomboyishly enthralled, and broke the silence. “Awesome.”
After this, Xavier moved into a brief account of the ordeal concerning the incident at Nezar as he knew it, as well as a recap of everything he had revealed to Alex. He then called on Karen and him to present the story from their point of view. They started with the fight they had gotten into, but didn’t dwell on it for too long, and then moved to their arrest, with Alex mentioning the blinding of the soldiers and Karen’s blackout, which even she was surprised to hear of because she did not remember it.
All the while, Xavier’s face was stern, while Raphael nodded in understanding. Rishtaria gazed intently while Kayla seemed impassive.
Alex then moved to their imprisonment and Karen’s second blackout. He stopped with the appearance of the symbol on her arm. The parents, who were hearing this all for the first time, seemed to take special note of this last detail.
“Karen,” Xavier said in a low voice, “show us this symbol.”
Karen walked slowly toward the center of the camp, stopping in front of Xavier so that he could inspect the marking by firelight. The parents gathered around and stared at her arm intently, as if they recognized the strange emblem.
“Well, Powers Above…” Raphael said breathlessly.
“Another complication,” Xavier said, furrowing his brow.
Kayla and Rishtaria were silent.
“We must certainly get to Olorad now,” Xavier said to the other parents in a low voice.
Alex was eager to answer the question that had been gnawing at him ever since the imprisonment. “What does it mean?”
Raphael, who had been unnaturally silent during the discussion, nodded to Xavier as if to say, I’ll handle this.
Acknowledging the look, Xavier got up and walked away toward the horses.
“This symbol,” Raphael said, pointing to Karen’s arm, “is called the Discerning Eye, and represents the omniscience and perfect wisdom of the Powers Above. There is a sect of elves who use it as their emblem, but traditionally, the symbol has been used by the Powers to mark their servants, the Níroths.”
Karen gulped, not sure if she wished to hear the answer to her question. “Who are they?”
“The Níroths are, as I said, servants of the Powers Above.. They are also known to be extremely talented with the gifts of their race, which means your powers, Karen, will only get stronger. If I am correct, you are also the first Níroth to be…” Raphael chose his words carefully, “bispecial.”
While Karen was yet aglow with both excitement and anxiety, Alex scowled. Why was she chosen and not me? he thought.
“I always knew I was meant for greatness!” Karen said smugly, hands on hips.
“Nahala!” Alex said in Duenda. “It is not so! You didn’t even do anything to deserve this.”
“Yes I did. I was better than you.”
“Grrr. Not again!” Zenobia exclaimed, lying on the ground in exasperation. Somewhat unlike the other siblings, she did not choose sides in such arguments. She was fed up with the constant quarreling and wanted no part of it.
Just as it seemed Alex would ignite another fight, Kayla intervened. “Hold, Karen. You do not fully understand. Nírothship is as much a discipline as it is an honor. Because Níroths are in the service of the Powers, they must often roam from place to place. They keep no possessions, they have no real permanent home, and they cannot hold a position of authority beyond their own. You were chosen not only to receive great power, but also to shoulder the burden of a great responsibility. Do not rejoice overmuch. It is a heavy load to carry.”
Karen fell silent at this, and Alex smiled, feeling vindicated.
Michael was, meanwhile, confused. “I thought you told us sorcery was bad?”
“Michael, enchantment is a blessing unto the Elves by the Powers themselves, while sorcery, or witchcraft, is the darkest of fell arts,” she said. “Each race has its own gift, and because you are half-elves, you have inherited this power of enchantment, but your abilities are locked. You cannot change them. Thus, Alex will always be fire and Karen will always be light. You could use your power in other ways briefly, to stop an arrow or to find water for example, but the consequences could be disastrous.”
“Does that mean that our powers will always be restricted?” Chandra asked, crossing her arms. “If our powers cripple us, why use them?”
Kayla fixed Chandra with a cold glare and said, “A misunderstanding. Your powers, though bound by conditions, do not cripple you.”
“She’s right,” Alex said. “During our training, Karen and I learned to overcome our restrictions through creativity. I can’t heal a wound, but I can cauterize it. I can’t bind a group of enemies, but I can block them with a wall of fire. Your limits are only as debilitating as you allow.”
“In fact,” Karen added, “although our powers are more limited than a those of an elf, they are also naturally stronger. And mine,” she shot a smug look at Alex, “will now be far more so.”
“As long as you can handle the discipline, Karen,” Alex retorted.
“We have taught you the basics of using you gifts, but there is yet more for you to learn, which is why we will enroll you in Everstar Academy,” Kayla said.
After an awkward pause, Michael mustered the courage to speak up. “Do we really have to?”
Just as Rishtaria was about to answer, Alex interposed. “Would you rather that we had been massacred, Mike?”
“No, Alex. Of course not. I’m just really unsure about all of this. Personally, I’d rather learn from Mom and Dad. I’m comfortable with things as they are.”
“Well, in case you haven’t noticed brother, things aren’t ‘as they are’ anymore. Change happens. Besides, what would you rather have done? Become a farmer, a physician, or, heaven forbid, an acupuncturist? You still have those opportunities if you want them. If you wish to go to the Academy and no further, fine. But joining with the Knights doesn’t seem too bad, and you’ve always wanted to see the world beyond the dominion of Men.” Alex bent down to his brother and extended his hand. “But most importantly, brother, we are in this as a family. We support each other. I need to know, are you with me?”
Michael took his brother’s hand and clasped it as if it was the only trustworthy thing in the world. “Yes, brother, I’m with you.” He then added under his breath, “I always am, no matter how much trouble you get us into.”
Alex smiled. “Good man.”
Just then, Xavier walked back. “There is one more thing,” he said, and produced a curious wrapped bundle of leather which he unwound, revealing five swords and their sheaths. They were duplicates of those Alex had seen the parents use at Nezar, but of appropriate size and weight for smaller users. There were two like Xavier’s and Raphael’s for Alex and Michael, and three like Rishtaria’s and Kayla’s for Karen and Chandra.
“See Karen,” Alex said, “I told you learning swordplay wasn’t useless.”
Michael nodded in silent agreement.
Karen and Chandra merely rolled their eyes in response.
Meanwhile, Zenobia seemed to be thrilled and awestruck, and began to test the weapon out until Xavier caught her with a glare.
“Remember this: these are not toys. Unlike training weapons, these can kill you just as easily as an enemy. The blade is sharp enough to split a leaf in midair. Ordinarily, it would be foolish to give you these, but under the circumstances, it would be foolish not to.”
Perhaps I should name it, Alex thought. He now inspected the weapon up close. He could now see that it was rather undecorated except for a few glyphs on the subtly curved blade. The weapon was designed to be drawn with ease, speed, and efficiency, and those same qualities would also no doubt describe its use. He tested its heft and swung it expertly. It moved as another part of him.
“It is chiefly a weapon of convenience,” Xavier said, “meant for you to conceal within your coats, rather than wear at the side.” He then showed them how to access the secret pocket sewn into their coats and draw their swords from it, demonstrating both what to do, and what not to do, so that they would avoid hurting themselves. After they had practiced to his satisfaction, he released them. “Bear these weapons well,” he said. “Now go and get some rest. We still have much ground to cover.”
————————-
You’ll notice that Alex is now much more interactive with the other characters, and Xavier is completely absent from the beginning of discussion proper to the handing out of swords so he cant dominate.
What do you think of the lines I added for Zenobia? I was trying to develop her without her stealing attention from the true focus.
Thoughts?
Btw, I wanted to change Kayla because it just doesn’t sound elven, and I have another character named Kira later.
Of course, properly, Kayla’s name should be pronounced KAI-la, per my Duenda pronunciation rules. (ay always as in “aye”, NOT as in “play”)
Reminder 4 above
Another reminder
If that’s the case, maybe you should change it to Kaila. Or you could change Kira’s name (or both?).
Yes, I like Kaila.
Which is a better name for the dwarf cave networks?
-Achonstreidel, meaning “Great Cavern”
-Underhaven, meaning “Underhome”
I’m leaning towards Underhaven.
I’m finally getting internet today, so I’ll be able to catch up with reading your stuff and post my own stuff.
I much prefer Achonstreidel. It sounds a little Germanic.
it isn’t supposed to sound Germanic exactly, but thanks for your opinion.
my one worry is that people with find Achonstreidel hard to pronounce.
“It is true that Princepian troops would not dare follow is into Makerisan territory, but we still cannot venture there.”
–This might be less confusing with a map, but I’m not sure the map would help me remember who the Makerisans are.
“Yes.” Xavier stood turned to look his son in the eye. Those valiant red portals now trembled with questioning, doubt, and perhaps fear.
–I think the trembling is good, but I have two suggestions. First, I’d cut down the list of “questioning, doubt, and perhaps fear” to just two and I’d remove the speculation. “doubt and fear” or “questioning and doubt” would work. Second, “valiant red portals” is a bit cheesy.
“No Alex.” First, I don’t think Alex is a necessary word. However, if you’d like to address Alex like that, I think a comma should be added before Alex.
When Xavier and Alex are talking, I’d estimate that around 80% of the lines are delivered by Xavier. He talks in paragraphs!
“…the secret that so far only Alex and Karen were privy to…” You might want to just remind us very briefly which secret this is. (For example, that they got arrested and broken out of prison, or that they are about to get sent to the academy, or about the Knights, etc.)
I’d like to see some more style from Alex in this scene.
“Alex was eager to answer the question that had been gnawing at him…” I know what you mean here, but I think “ask the question” is a bit more precise.
“…as if to say, I’ll handle this.” I’d recommend tweaking this to say “as if to say he would handle this.”
“bispecial” is an awkward word and one that might not necessarily suggest “two species” to a reader that has probably never seen the term before. What would you think about “halfbreed” or “hybrid” or “half-elf” or “of mixed ancestry”?
I like the conversation between Karen and Alex.
One of the things I notice is that the parents tend to get many more lines at a time than Alex or Karen do. For example, Kayla gets eight lines to respond to Karen acting too cheerful about the Niroth thing. You could probably cut that significantly.
Michael’s objection about sorcery seems a bit out of place, partially because she never mentioned sorcery.
I like Alex’s response about the conditions of his powers and how he can flexibly use them quite a lot. It is very smooth and it shows us some of his creativity. (IE using heat to cauterize a wound).
Karen’s return bodes well for the story.
It seems a little bit strange that Michael and Alex refer to each other as brother so often. Hmm.
I think the line about Zenobia testing her weapon could probably be removed. (Karen and Chandra rolling their eyes is a more interesting response).
Well, he mentioned Makeris earlier, so I’m kinda relying on the reader to infer that Makerisans are the people of Makeris. Perhaps I’m relying on them too much?
I personally don’t think that readers will be so dumb that they can’t figure it out. I think it’s ok like that, but I’m not the expert lol.
Hmm. I think that readers can infer that Makerisans come from Makeris. But how much will readers be able to remember about Makeris? My concern is that it will feel like Just Another Imaginary Place when Alex mentions it in this chapter. Ideally, readers would be able to remember at least one important thing about Makeris when it comes up here.
That important thing should probably be that it’s Xavier’s homeland. And this is the first time I mention the country I believe. I will have a section on it in my Guide to Therva in the back of the book if readers want further information. But Makeris will be helpful to remember becomes it comes up again in relation to an important plot detail. That said, Makeris probably won’t be visited. I’m not sure, maybe in a later work.
OK, that sounds good…
Another edition. This time, I bracketed italics for clarity. It should alleviate some misconceptions.
————————————
Chapter 7: Fugitives
The families rode all day, without stopping. Once night fell, they were far from Mora. They made camp, building a small, smokeless fire and ate a small meal, carefully rationing the food they had brought. Afterward, Alex caught his father alone away from the campfire and asked a question that had been bothering him since the journey began.
“Dad, why are we heading southeast?”
“Our destination is the port city of Olorad, but we cannot head directly east because that will take us too close to the capital, and the roads are swarming with soldiers. Instead, we will skirt the capital and then continue northeastward.”
“But why are we heading to Olorad at all? Why not head west, across the Nuba into Makeris? That is your homeland and Uncle Raphael’s. Couldn’t we seek shelter there?”
“It is true that Princepian troops would not dare follow is into Makerisan territory, but we still cannot venture there.”
“But Dad–”
Xavier shook his head. “Alex, I know what we could do, but we will not, for reasons I can’t tell you right now.”
“Ok. Can you tell me why we are heading to Olorad, then?”
“Yes.” Xavier stood turned to look his son in the eye. Those fiery red portals now trembled with questioning and doubt. “You see, son, the Knights are powerful, but we operate only with consent from the region’s sovereign power. Nevertheless, some view us as a threat and would see our order extinguished. If Captain Halifax had caught us a second time”
“He would have killed us on the spot.”
“Exactly. He may have sent messengers ahead to warn other garrisons, so we must be cautious around towns. In Olorad we can find a member of the order who will give us a ship. We will sail with his crew across the sea until we reach our headquarters. There you will be enrolled in Everstar Academy, where you will be prepared to join our ranks.”
Alex stared at his father in disbelief, wondering what else there was that he did not know. “Won’t you and mom still have time to teach us?”
“No. We have been called back to our headquarters to attend to some urgent business. We would have left anyway. Halifax’s pursuit has merely hastened our departure, and forced us to leave things we might otherwise have taken.” He sighed. “Have everyone gather around the fire. We have delayed this explanation far too long, and our procrastination has cost us.”
When everyone had gathered, Xavier walked into the light of the fire, and spoke with a heavy voice, as if he were about to prophesy the doom of everyone sitting before him. He then revealed the secret that so far only Alex and Karen were privy to: that he and the other parents were all members of the Telessar order. After he finished his statement, Chandra was visibly shocked, and Michael’s eyes bore a puzzled look.
Zenobia on the other hand was tomboyishly enthralled, and broke the silence. “Awesome.”
After this, Xavier moved into a brief account of the ordeal concerning the incident at Nezar as he knew it, as well as a recap of everything he had revealed to Alex. He then called on Karen and him to present the story from their point of view. They started with the fight they had gotten into, but didn’t dwell on it for too long, and then moved to their arrest, with Alex mentioning the blinding of the soldiers and Karen’s blackout, which even she was surprised to hear of because she did not remember it.
All the while, Xavier’s face was stern, while Raphael nodded in understanding. Rishtaria gazed intently while Kaila seemed impassive.
Alex then moved to their imprisonment and Karen’s second blackout. He stopped with the appearance of the symbol on her arm. The parents, who were hearing this all for the first time, seemed to take special note of this last detail.
“Karen,” Xavier said in a low voice, “show us this symbol.”
Karen walked slowly toward the center of the camp, stopping in front of Xavier so that he could inspect the marking by firelight. The parents gathered around and stared at her arm intently, as if they recognized the strange emblem.
“Well, by the stars…” Raphael said breathlessly.
“Another complication,” Xavier said, furrowing his brow.
Kaila and Rishtaria were silent.
“We must certainly get to Olorad now,” Xavier said to the other parents in a low voice.
Alex was eager to answer the question that had been gnawing at him ever since the imprisonment. “What does it mean?”
Raphael, who had been unnaturally silent during the discussion, nodded to Xavier as if to say, {I’ll handle this}.
Acknowledging the look, Xavier got up and walked away toward the horses.
“This symbol,” Raphael said, pointing to Karen’s arm, “is called the Discerning Eye, and represents the omniscience and perfect wisdom of the Eternal Ones. There is a sect of elves who use it as their emblem, but traditionally, the symbol has been used by the Powers to mark their servants, the Níroths.”
Karen gulped, not sure if she wished to hear the answer to her question. “Who are they?”
“The Níroths are, as I said, servants of the Eternal Ones.. They are also known to be extremely talented with the gifts of their race, which means your powers, Karen, will only get stronger. If I am correct, you are also the first Níroth to be…” Raphael chose his words carefully, “of mixed ancestry.”
While Karen was yet aglow with both excitement and anxiety, Alex scowled. {Why was she chosen and not me?} he thought.
“I always knew I was meant for greatness!” Karen said smugly, hands on hips.
“Nahala!” Alex said in Duenda. “It is not so! You didn’t even do anything to deserve this.”
“Yes I did. I was better than you.”
“Grrr. Not again!” Zenobia exclaimed, lying on the ground in exasperation. Somewhat unlike the other siblings, she did not choose sides in such arguments. She was fed up with the constant quarreling and wanted no part of it.
Just as it seemed Alex would ignite another fight, Kaila intervened. “Hold, Karen. You do not fully understand. Because Níroths are in the service of the Powers, they must often roam from place to place. They keep no possessions, they have no real permanent home, except perhaps a temple they return to after their wanderings. Nírothship is as much a discipline as it is an honor. Do not rejoice overmuch. It is a heavy load to carry.”
Karen fell silent at this, and Alex smiled, feeling vindicated.
Michael was, meanwhile, confused. “Wait a second, what are these ‘powers’ and ‘gifts’ you keep talking about? Sorcery?”
“Michael, enchantment is a blessing unto the Elves by the Powers themselves, while sorcery, or witchcraft, is the darkest of fell arts,” she said. “Each race has its own gift, and because you are half-elves, you have inherited this power of enchantment, but your abilities are locked. You cannot change them. Thus, Alex will always be fire and Karen will always be light. You could use your power in other ways briefly, to stop an arrow or to find water for example, but the consequences could be disastrous.”
“Does that mean that our powers will always be restricted?” Chandra asked, crossing her arms. “If our powers cripple us, why use them?”
Kaila fixed Chandra with a cold glare and said, “A misunderstanding. Your powers, though bound by conditions, do not cripple you.”
“She’s right,” Alex said. “During our training, Karen and I learned to overcome our restrictions through creativity. I can’t heal a wound, but I can cauterize it. I can’t bind a group of enemies, but I can block them with a wall of fire. Your limits are only as debilitating as you allow.”
“In fact,” Karen added, “although our powers are more limited than a those of an elf, they are also naturally stronger. And mine,” she shot a smug look at Alex, “will now be far more so.”
“As long as you can handle the discipline, Karen,” Alex retorted.
“We have taught you the basics of using you gifts, but there is yet more for you to learn, which is why we will enroll you in Everstar Academy,” Kaila said.
After an awkward pause, Michael mustered the courage to speak up. “Do we really have to?”
Just as Rishtaria was about to answer, Alex interposed. “Would you rather that we had been massacred, Mike?”
“No, Alex. Of course not. I’m just really unsure about all of this. Personally, I’d rather learn from Mom and Dad. I’m comfortable with things as they are.”
“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, things aren’t ‘as they are’ anymore. Change happens. Besides, what would you rather have done? Become a farmer, a physician, or, heaven forbid, an acupuncturist? You still have those opportunities if you want them. If you wish to go to the Academy and no further, fine. But joining with the Knights doesn’t seem too bad, and you’ve always wanted to see the world beyond the dominion of Men.” Alex bent down to his brother and extended his hand. “But most importantly, brother, we are in this as a family. We support each other. I need to know, are you with me?”
Michael took Alex’s hand and clasped it as if it was the only trustworthy thing in the world. “Yes, I’m with you.” He then added under his breath, “I always am, no matter how much trouble you get us into.”
Alex smiled. “Good man.”
Just then, Xavier walked back. “There is one more thing,” he said, and produced a curious wrapped bundle of leather which he unwound, revealing five swords and their sheaths. They were duplicates of those Alex had seen the parents use at Nezar, but of appropriate size and weight for smaller users. There were two like Xavier’s and Raphael’s for Alex and Michael, and three like Rishtaria’s and Kaila’s for Karen and Chandra.
“See Karen,” Alex said, “I told you learning swordplay wasn’t useless.”
Michael nodded in silent agreement.
Karen and Chandra merely rolled their eyes in response.
Meanwhile, Zenobia seemed to be thrilled and awestruck, and began eagerly twirling and slashing the air with the weapon until Xavier caught her with a glare.
“Remember this: these are not toys. Unlike training weapons, these can kill you just as easily as an enemy. The blade is sharp enough to split a leaf in midair. Ordinarily, it would be foolish to give you these, but under the circumstances, it would be foolish not to.”
{Perhaps I should name it}, Alex thought. He now inspected the weapon up close. He could now see that it was rather undecorated except for a few glyphs on the subtly curved blade. The weapon was designed to be drawn with ease, speed, and efficiency, and those same qualities would also no doubt describe its use. He tested its heft and swung it expertly. It moved as another part of him.
“It is chiefly a weapon of convenience,” Xavier said, “meant for you to conceal within your coats, rather than wear at the side.” He then showed them how to access the secret pocket sewn into their coats and draw their swords from it, demonstrating both what to do, and what {not} to do, so that they would avoid hurting themselves. After they had practiced to his satisfaction, he released them. “Bear these weapons well,” he said. “Now go and get some rest. We still have much ground to cover.”
———————–
Thoughts?
Also, from now on, I’m going to write chapters in twos so while I wait for you to review one, I can be working on the other. 8 & 9 should be interesting because they mostly feature the kids…on their own. Hee hee. Will they be able to get to Olorad with soldiers on their tail and without their parents to guide them? Now that’s a dramatic question.
The detail about where Princepian troops would follow may be a red herring. What would you think about replacing this passage with something like “We will not, for reasons I cannot discuss right now.”
I think “fiery red portals” is a big improvement over “valiant red portals,” but I think referring to the eyes as portals might be a bit too much. In any case, I’ll stop mentioning it.
“Awesome” seems a bit out of place here.
“If Captain Halifax had caught us a second time…” “He would have killed us on the spot.” This is an interesting use of Alex to complete the thought. I think this interaction between the two is effective and helps us show something about Alex’s increasing maturity.
“He then revealed the secret that so far only Alex and Karen were privy to: that he and the other parents were all members of the Telessar order.” I think this is clearer.
“which even she was surprised to hear of because she did not remember it.” Necessary? I think it makes the sentence too long.
“Raphael, who had been unnaturally silent during the discussion, nodded to Xavier as if to say, {I’ll handle this}.” The italics are a bit helpful here. Hmm…
“There is a sect of elves who use it as their emblem…” Relevant?
Will your readers know who the eternal ones are?
“You will be the first Niroth to be… of mixed ancestry.” I think that’s pretty smooth.
Karen comes off as delightfully obnoxious.
“Hold, Karen. You do not fully understand. Because Níroths are in the service of the Powers, they must often roam from place to place. They keep no possessions, they have no real permanent home, except perhaps a temple they return to after their wanderings. Nírothship is as much a discipline as it is an honor. Do not rejoice overmuch. It is a heavy load to carry.”
–What would you think about another shortening? For example, “Karen, it is a heavy burden. Niroths often roam from place to place. They keep no possessions, have no real home, and [a detail to create a personality for the Niroths. How do they react to these hardships?] It is as much a discipline as an honor.”
Eternal Ones = Powers Above. I changed the name so that the reader will not be confused, as they would be if i mentioned “powers” in close proximity with THE “Powers”. See what I mean?
Instead of portals, what would be a better choice?
Also:
-Just as it seemed Alex would ignite another fight, Kaila intervened. “Hold, Karen. You do not fully understand. Because Níroths are in the service of the Eternal Ones, they often roam from place to place, without home or possessions. It is as much a discipline as it is an honor. Do not rejoice overmuch. It is a heavy load to carry.”
Improvement?
I like it. I’d recommend cutting the line “it is as much a discipline as it is an honor,” because it’s redundant with the last line. Also, “overmuch” could probably be smoother as “too much.” What do you think?
Ah, thank you. Also, here’s Michael’s question rephrased:
Michael was, meanwhile, confused. “Wait a second, what are these ‘powers’ and ‘gifts’ you keep talking about? Sorcery?”
Better? Now he’s actually confusing their powers with sorcery, not bringing it up out of the blue.
I think the word “meanwhile” is a bit unnecessary here. If it has to be included, I think it’d be least intrusive at the start of the sentence.
This latest line from Michael is a big improvement. I think it introduces the concept of sorcery into this passage smoothly and without confusion. That said, is it necessary to introduce sorcery yet? We’re getting a lot of backstory in this chapter, and I think that the sorcery vs. enchantment distinction could possibly be moved back later. (Then again, you have a better grasp for what your next chapter looks like than I do).
If you ever get into panic mode listen to Feather by Nujabes, it’s underground rap, much better than that mainstream crap. It puts me in a tranquil state where I think cleary, you might like it. Or you could try Electric Feel by MGMT or Lake Michigan by Rogue Wave, although those songs are a bit on the weirder side.
Question: My Elves have wandered so far away from the standard of Tolkien’s elves that I feel they are no longer the same. That said, i need a new name for them. I wish to call them “dryads”. They are not actual tree spirits, like in greco-roman myth, but i feel the name fits my forest-dwelling inhumans just fine. What do you think?
Now, here’s the problem: while “dryad” is more original, people will recognize and understand “elf” much easier. So is calling my forest-dwellers “dryads” in the name of originality worth the inevitable explaining?
Possible solution: use both names. Humans will call them elves, but that would be a misnomer or derogatory term. The other races (and those who know better) will call them by their true name: dryads.
Thoughts? I could use some help on this.
I suspect using two names for the race would be confusing. Also, the use of a derogatory term feels out of place in a world where elves (seem to be) respected. I think it could also take away from the prejudice against Alex somewhat.
On that front, I think enough fantasy readers will roughly know what a dryad is to be able to identify. On the other hand, this may make them think of spirits. I’d suggest keeping them as elves. I feel that would confuse people less. I don’t think it’s a problem that they’ve moved away from the Tolkein elves (in fact, I’d say that’s good. I think people rely too much on the races Tolkein has already made).
Perhaps spelling “elves” differently?
Brett! you’re alive, sorry I left you in that sinking aircraft carrier, but you know how it is in our line of work. No hard feelings?
I really don’t think that the name issue is that contreversial. I suspect readers will not mind as long as they have pointed ears. But, if you’re dead set on a name change, I recommend against dryad, I instantly think tree spirit. I guess you could make up a name, I did.
no hard feelings double-0…, um..i mean RB.
A few thoughts from the outside looking in.
1. I think they seem to be more like elves than dryads. When I think of Alex and Karen, I don’t think “hmm, these characters have a big dryad vibe going on.” In contrast, I think the two have a lot of elvenness going on… the annoying pretension and condescension, magic-like powers, some proficiency with swords, etc. You could call them “wood elves” or something similar from time to time and just shorten that to elves most of the time.
2. I’m not sure what the market for a book about a half-dryad would be. Half-elves are a bit cliche, but I think that’s because they and elves are demonstrably market-friendly.
I don’t have a strong opinion on this, but I guess it’d be a bit easier to work with half-elves than half-dryads.
I have a slightly stronger opinion about keeping the spelling consistent. Changing the spelling of elves does not strike me as a great idea.
Ellves?
But you’re probably right. Ehlves or Ellves is a bit awkward.
You could always call them “Dem Thangz.”
BTW, where have you been? I mean after the sinking aircraft carrier.
what hands are better for detail work, short fingers or long, thin fingers? I think the latter are preferable for surgeons. I ask because I need to describe a dwarf’s hands and I figure if they were going to put detail into their work they’d need special hands. (They also have 2 thumbs, like Gen. Grievous.)
Also, what type of hands would be best adapted to writing? What do a writer/warrior’s hands look like? Callouses? Large, tough knuckles?
I’ve been…recovering. And doing senior project and crap. I just have to get back to my regular schedule and I’ll be fine. But I’m writing a different book for senior project. It’s about Alex’s ancestor’s brother, Conleth. So Alex’s story might be on hold for a bit.
That’s the one about the kids with the previous lives and stuff right?
no
It’s about Conleth Everstar, who is different from Conleth Lowe (I reused the name). He is the son of legendary hero, Aerthir Everstar. He is sent on a dangerous quest by a wicked king and…I’ll explain later. I’m hungry now.
Me too, you should bring me some food.
I know I havent been here in a LONG time, but i’ve been really busy with school. Anyhow, I had a question. For my race of manwolves, i am considering a name more descriptive than “Lupines”.
Perhaps:
Shadowhunters
Shadowstalkers
Shadowchasers
Shadowkillers
Shadowbanes
Thoughts? I’m leaning toward the last one.
I like Shadowbanes al well.
I hope your schoolwork has been coming along well. In the past few weeks, we made some updates…
–We added a review forum for Frank, which you might like.
–We’ve made some progress on Agent Orange’s character-design for the comic book.
–I gave myself a review forum. Since it’s about 3 weeks old, you might have seen it already, but there’s a lot of new content now.
As for the race of lycanthropes, I’m not really thrilled with the compound nouns here. What would you think about just Stalkers or Lurkers?
Alternately, if you’d really like the use the word Shadow, I’d recommend bringing it in as a second word. I think Shadow Hunters is a bit smoother than the compound Shadowhunters. (Also, if you use a two word phrase, it would probably be easier to abbreviate. For example, if one character talks about Shadow Hunters in one line, it’d be natural enough to abbreviate it to just Hunters in the next).
Thanks you. I was averse to using Shadow Hunters because i think its been done as a two-worder. But I think splitting one of the others, like Shadow Banes, would work.
Hmm. To be honest I’m not keen on the use of something like ‘shadowbanes’ (as two words or not). I think it’s a bit too . . . blatant. It seems more like the sort of name you’d give to the bad guys, IMO. Whether they’re bad guys or not (or can be either), I think it’s trying too be too obvious, or say “look, the good guys have a name to do with shadows! Isn’t it neat that I’m going against cliches?”
That’s just my thought.
I was thinking more along the lines of “Bane of Shadows” meaning literally destroyer of shadows. Thats pretty good-guyish isnt it? Sure its a darker batman/wolverine/punisher good-guyish (ok, maybe not the punisher), but itsnt it still valid?
Mmm… when I hear something like “Shadow Hunter” or “Shadow Killer,” my first reaction is that we’re talking about 1) a shadowy hunter rather than 2) someone than hunts shadows. The second meaning strikes me as too flowery and metaphorical to be intuitive. You can’t really kill a shadow, but shadowy killers do make a lot of sense.
Also, audience preconceptions about lycanthropes may also push them towards the first meaning. Werewolves are typically depicted as monsters and villains rather than antiheroes. Since you’re fighting against audience preconceptions to begin with, I think it’s important to have a name that couldn’t be misconstrued.
True
Instead, how about a name that suggests (and rightly so) that these creatures are guardians in employ of the forces of light rather than shadowy minions. Something more defensive rather than agressive. What do you think of “Watchwolves”?
Watchwolves is quirky. I like it, but I’m pretty quirky to begin with. If it comes up early, it might be a distraction. If it doesn’t come up early (first 5 chapters, say) I think it probably wouldn’t be a game-breaker.
Right now, it’s not scheduled to come up until chapter 10 or 12 (it may get pushed back farther depending on how long it takes to get Alex to the Academy). I think by thins time the audience will be fairly comfortable with my style of invention, but I’m not the expert. What do you think?
“I’m not the expert. What do you think?” I’m not really sure. Like I said, I think this is a quirky bit of authorial style. It could work, but on the other hand a publisher’s assistant might look at it and react poorly. It’s hard to gauge how a single person will react to this sort of thing. Personally, I like it.
Hmmmm. Thank you.
Stroke of Brilliance!
Okay, idea:
suppose rather than normal fantasy races, i played my races as all being human, BUT, different TYPES of human. Like 4 kindreds that became genetically estranged because they adapted to different environments, eventually becoming drastically different.
Thoughts?
Stroke of Sarcasm!
Okay, response:
Like ghouls and regular humans from Fallout 3. Ghouls spawned from prolonged exposure to radiation.
Back to normal, I guess that could work if your played it right, it would seem pretty inventive.
Hmm. Brett, what do you think the main difference would be? I suppose it might work in a high sci-fi story, like Battletech, but it’s mainly cosmetic. The only thing that changes is the backstory. The races would have a common human origin, but would otherwise be different species.
The backstory might be relevant, though. For example, Fallout 3 used the ghouls as a link to pre-war society, and also showed that they were human in all the ways that counted even though they looked and smelled awful. (In Fallout 3, one could pretty safely say they were more civilized than the humans of the region).
In Battletech, the Clans are the same species as the good guy humans, but they’ve evolved a wholly different set of cultures and have also made some physical modifications with eugenic breeding programs.
I’m not entirely sold on it. I’m not sure what exactly it would change, though, because I don’t know your story well. But if the Gods are a big presence in your story, it might actually be more believable for all four races to have been created differently. Or more in-keeping with your story, anyway.
ok then, suppose they were created separately, but they are still referred to as “men”? like Giant-men, Dwarf-men, Sylvan Men, etc.?
I think that might be awkward. For example, giant-men vs. giants or dwarf-men vs. dwarves. I don’t see a big advantage in adding the hyphens.
Erm, are you interested in coming up with different-sounding names for your races because you’re worried they’ll sound too much like standard giants or dwarves otherwise? If so, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. For example, the dragons in His Majesty’s Dragon and The Dragon and the George are distinctly more interesting than most of their fantasy brethren even though they’re all just dragons. I hope that helps.
Greetings, fellow mammals! I have been absent due to senior project, but I will try to touch base at least once or twice a month. Sorry.
To B.Mac:
But speaking of which, I would like to request a small favor from you. I need to include an interview in my research paper for senproj. I believe you would be a valuable source on this subject, specifically fantasy literature. I know this is not your specialty, but if you or your compatriots could answer my questions I would be very appreciative. I will email my questions to the website so that you may look them over before deciding.
Much thanks.
Good luck on your paper.
I should be able to answer your questions, but I’d like to glance through them first. I’m checking my e-mail ( superheronation-at-gmail-dot-com ) but I don’t see your questions. Could you send them again?
Thank you. try checking your email now, my message should have arrived.
Ok, got it.
Much thanks for answering my questions!
Hi, Brett. For a longer take on teen writers and originality, you might want to see this take from an author more experienced than I am.
Ah, thank you. That article looks helpful.
I’d like to add a bit on the idea of being clever rather than good. I agree that’s a major problem for young writers. “What if I waited 100 pages to name the main character?” I think young authors are more likely to try those kind of “clever” experiments because they can’t yet fully empathize with their audience. A more experienced author would appreciate more fully that naming the main character on page 100 is a really awful idea because…
–It deprives the audience of an easy way to mentally refer to the main character.
–It forces the author to use cheesy and awkward ways to avoid referring to the main character’s name. For example, the author might try referring to the hero as “the detective” or “the knight” or (worst) “the protagonist.”
–It deprives the author of the ability to use a name to introduce and develop the character.
Also, authors sometimes assume that the shock value of finally revealing that the main character is a historical figure will add something to the reading experience. “This story will finally come together when I reveal that the main character is Jesus or Hitler!” That’s usually wrong. The readers usually realize early on that the author is hiding something, and then from there it’s not hard to guess who the historical figure is. If you know on page 20 that the main character has to be Hitler and you have to suffer through another 80 pages of the author trying to coyly hide the character’s identity, it’s quite painful.
Ouch. I have never been (un)fortunate enough to read something that horrible.
So, here’s a pivotal question: If I have a much beloved concept for a book, but I’m not sure if I’ve developed the skill to tell it effectively, should I keep on it and fix it in revision, or come back to it later once I have the necessary skills?
Okay, so here’s whats been going on:
1- I redefined my races with (gasp) original names!
Elves–> Kenlor
Dwarves–>Gaelts
Giants–>Nordians
What do you think?
2- I redefined my map, and I will soon post it to DA, along with some other drawings.
3- Would it feel out of place if one nation was significantly more scientifically advanced than others? Like they have Romanesque ballistae, trebuchets, and maybe rudimentary guns while everyone else has like horses and chariots?
4- Completely off-base: what would you think of (as a separate concept) a fantasy western? Doable?
1- I think “gaelts” is slightly hard to pronounce. Also, what benefits are there of renaming your races? If they still follow some of the basic elvish (for dwarven or giantish) outlines (pointy ears, longer life, etc.) then it might be easier just to keep Tolkein’s race names. I think it will be more difficult for your audience to keep track of all these different races if they don’t have familiar names, especially as you seem to be introducing lots of different ideas, characters and subplots (that’s just my impression).
2- Okay.
3- That would depend. I think that basic guns are a lot further on than trebuchet or ballistae, but then again this is a world with magic. I think you could get away with it, but it would make more sense for these things to be widely distributed unless they are very recent inventions. You could get away with one nation having more/being more adept in their use, though, I think.
4- Sci-fi western worked for Cowboy Bebop, so I say go for it! I’d recommend watching a bunch of western films to get a feel for the genre first, though. I think to put a fantasy twist on a western story, you’d really have to know the “western” bit first. (I can recommend some films, if you’re interested – I’m quite a big fan of westerns.)
Hmm…. Thank you, please do recommend some. Aside from Bonanza, The Magnificent Seven, The Lone Ranger, and They Call Me Trinity, I’m not too familiar with westerns.
Yay for The Magnificent Seven. I love that film.
Probably the most famous western is “The Good, The Bad And The Ugly”, starring Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach (Calvera in Magnificent Seven). The music is really iconic. Starring John Wayne, “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” (also starring Jimmy Stewart) and “Fort Apache” (also Henry Fonda). The latter is probably my favourite western ever.
Of these, the Clint Eastwood one is probably the closest to the famous image of westerns. I like the other two more, though, because I think they show there’s more to westerns than guns and cowboys.
I’ve got several westerns in my “to watch” list, too . . . I’ll get back to you on those. But I think those three films are a good start.
1- I think the names are okay. I agree that it may make it harder for people to keep track of what is what. For example, I may confuse Gaelts as Giants because they’re names are similar.
2-I’ll be sure to look them up.
3- Unfortunately, I have so idea what a trebuchet or a ballistae is, I’m not fluent in ancient weaponry. I think Hollie or B. Mac is more equipped to answer that question.
4- I think it an interesting idea. I’m not a fan of westerns, but that’s me. I suspect you have enough ability to do it. Gor For it.
RB, ballistae are basically catapults, unless my memory fails me (a trebuchet is too, I think).
“So, here’s a pivotal question: If I have a much beloved concept for a book, but I’m not sure if I’ve developed the skill to tell it effectively, should I keep on it and fix it in revision, or come back to it later once I have the necessary skills?”
I’d only put it on hold if you have something more enticing that you’re ready to work on. Otherwise the search for perfection is going to make you stall. Do the best story you can do now.
#1: original names for races.
I’m not sure what the benefit is. The cost is that it’ll force readers to remember the new names, and you have to throw around many capitalized imaginary words.
#2: New map. Yeah, I saw that here.
#3: One group is more technologically advanced than the others. Ballistas and trebuchets would feel like they were part of the same story as horses and chariots, so that’d definitely be fine. Rudimentary guns might feel more like steampunk than fantasy, so I’d be more cautious there.
#4: A fantasy western… what would the advantage over a typical fantasy story be? I don’t know much about westerns, but AFAIK the main distinguishing features are the predominant weapon (fairly primitive guns) and the setting (the American “Wild West” in the 1800s). Would either one of those be available to your story?
Incidentally, Deadlands and Doomtown are a Western setting with a heavy supernatural influence. There are fantasy elements (magic, demons, undead, some Lovecraftian horror), as well as some mad science.
I want to use new names because my races have wandered FAR FAR away from what the original names would suggest. Furthermore, I don’t want it to feel like I’m sponging off Tolkien. Again. XD Is that workable? Also, all of my new race-names have English-based equivalents.
Kenlor- the Tree-born
Gaelts- the Little Folk
Nordians- the Mountain Men
What of this?
btw, RB, ballistae (plural of ballista) were a roman weapon, kinda like giant crossbows. XD Trebuchets are catapults, except they use a counterweight rather than tension.
As for fantasy western, just a thought to experiment with. seems pretty unique.
Note to B.Mac:
please email me a contact address so I can put it on the thank-you letter. under normal circumstances i would have sent it weeks ago, but i’ve been absolutely swamped. my apologies.
Oh, and for the record, I have since realized that it was a HUGE error on my part to put WESTERSEA in the EAST, and this has been fixed on my copy of the map. I may or may not upload the revision to DA.
Hello Brett Im new to Super Hero Nation and I wanted to know if you can review my storyline under Five story arcs thanks
After my long hiatus, I have finally returned for good! Muahahaha!
Now then, to business. I wish to pick up where I left off, if at all possible. I see much has changed since my last visit, and I will do my best to circulate. I will also try to fulfill the above 3 month old request, late though i may be.
Meantime though, I would like to submit to you, chapter eight for review. All thoughts welcome. If you are new to my work, see above or ask me or someone who knows.
I am on summer break now, and I will be able to post much more often.
Till all are ONE!!! (yeah, that was random.)
Chapter Eight: Flight of the Abandoned
Before dawn the next day, the families broke camp and saddled up once more. They went at a very slow pace and took frequent breaks now, as the horses were still tired from their wild flight the previous day. But they were far enough ahead for it not to matter, and the storm that Kaila and Rishtaria had conjured behind them the previous day had erased their trail. So far, they had been following the banks of the Nuba River as it flowed southeastward, and after another two days of travel they had come to the Bridge of Nezar, the only crossing along the river’s entire length. This was the most dangerous part of their journey. Because Mora was actually a little north of the Watchtower of Nezar, they had passed by it at a distance on their way. That leg of the journey had been made at night, under the soft light of the moon, to prevent being seen by watchmen, and there had been hills to cover them. But the Bridge was deliberately in full view of the Watchtower, and on flat land. Multiplying their difficulties, the sun was now nearly setting in the west, casting its orange rays toward them.
They would have to cross the bridge in order to continue, but it would be all too easy for the soldiers, coming from both the Tower and the Bridge Guard, to trap them here. To make matters worse, the bridge had been drawn to prevent crossing. The parents had begun to discuss among themselves. Alex could hear brief snatches of the conversation, and he knew that they were making a plan.
Once they reached the crossing, they rallied in the eastward stretching shadow of a singular oak tree, the only cover available. Xavier quickly explained their course of action. Kaila and Rishtaria would cross the river, incapacitate the guards, and lower the bridge so that the rest of them could cross while Xavier and Raphael guarded the rear. Alex asked to go with his mother and aunt, but Xavier would have none of it.
“I will not have you risk your life again so foolishly,” he said, “Save your energy. We may have need of it later.”
So now Alex sat on the grass in the shade of the large oak tree, plucking at the grass in frustration. His brow was furrowed in thought, his mind racing to devise a plan that would allow him to help. He found none except-
“Alex, stop.” Karen had dared to interrupt his thoughts. “I know what you’re thinking, so don’t bother. If you try, I’ll tell Uncle Xavier that”
Alex ignored Karen, and continued to bury himself in thought. He would need to act quickly. He watched as Kaila and Rishtaria walked over to the river and gestured over the rushing water, causing it to slow and freeze. Soon there was a bridge of ice, not strong enough to hold horses, but more than adequate for a person of middle size. Now! he thought. He eased down to the riverbank and, once he was sure his father and uncle weren’t looking, crept stealthily over the ice after his mother and aunt.
Once he had reached the other side, Alex looked up, but Kaila and Rishtaria were nowhere to be seen. He realized they must have gone into the guardhouse and ran after them. Once he reached it, he crouched down in order to avoid being seen from the windows. He could hear no noises from inside. Fearing he was too late, Alex ran to the bridge-facing side of the guardhouse and demolished the wooden doors with a blast of flame. He ran inside, only to be greeted by seven fully armed soldiers.
“What’s all this then?” one of the soldiers said in surprise.
“Hey, he looks like one of the lot that escaped from the tower! Get ‘im! Sound the alar-”
Alex caught the man in the chest with a blast of fire, throwing him back, but it was too late. One of the soldiers had already raised a horn to his lips. The note rang out, piercing and terrible over the hills and plains. It was answered by a shrill blast from the tower.
Alex’s mind was racing. He was outnumbered seven to one, he had no idea where his mom and aunt were, and he was separated from his dad, who must have been furious by now. As Alex braced for a fight he knew he could not win, an arrow came out of nowhere, sped through his field of vision, and buried itself in the chest of the soldier who had blown the horn. Alex whirled in fear and disbelief, and found Kaila and Rishtaria standing on either side of him. They must have been invisible! he thought.
“When we get out of this, you are in so much trouble young man!” Rishtaria said
Alex, embarrassed but trying vainly to keep from looking foolish, said, “I’m only half Man!”
Rishtaria ignored his response as she and Kaila ran toward the soldiers, cutting them down effortlessly. Alex stood frozen in awe as they demonstrated their fighting prowess.
“Directive: Alex,” Kaila shouted, “make yourself useful and let down the bridge!” Her voice startled Alex as if from a daydream, and he ran out of the guardhouse to obey, looking back occasionally to glimpse the fray. When he reached it, he pushed with all his might on the crank that lowered the stout wooden bridge. As he did so, he looked out over the river and saw that the doors of the Watchtower had opened, and a group of soldiers numbering at least a hundred strong were marching out, down the path that lead to the bridge. He cranked all the harder, pouring his strength into the task until at last it was complete.
As the rest of the family galloped over the bridge, Alex could see the anger in his father’s eyes. Strangely enough, he said nothing to Alex except, “Let’s go!” Alex, Kaila and Rishtaria hopped on their respective horses and galloped away. As he left, Alex could see through the doorway of the guardhouse that the floor was covered in blood.
While they sped away, Alex petitioned his mother, “Let me go back and make up for my mistake. I can stop them from crossing the bridge!”
“No Alex! Because of you we took lives that might otherwise have been spared. You have done enough. I sense even now that there is more misery yet to come.”
As they crested the next hill, Alex saw the fulfillment of her words. On the plain before them were fifty mounted Royal Guardsmen, standing between them and their escape. Half of the men were armed with spears, while the other half carried bows. At their head was Halifax, grinning like a madman. “Greetings, Knights!” he shouted.
Alex looked back, where he saw his father and uncle a the rear of the group, readying themselves to fight the force of one hundred that even now advanced over the bridge. He turned again, and saw that Kaila had ridden forward to confront their other enemy.
“Infuriation! Captain Halifax, you serpent, turn aside and let us pass!”
He laughed. “Captain? It’s General Halifax now, actually.”
“A snake with a crown is still a snake!” Rishtaria shouted. “And a crow, no matter how many peacocks’ feathers it steals, is still a crow!”
“Snakes and crows! Ha! The famous Kenlor defiance is in you. I’m afraid it will be impossible to take you…alive.”
“Correction,” Kaila replied, “you will not take us at all!”
As Halifax laughed, Rishtaria beckoned Alex and Karen to her and said softly, “When I signal you, the two of you take your brothers and sisters around Halifax’s men and make for the hills on the river valley’s southeastern side. From there, head to Olorad and wait for us.”
“But Aunt Rishi, we can’t-”
“Karen, do as I say! You’re the leader now,” she said, handing Karen a map. “If a day passes and we have not found you, look for a man called Silas the Shipbuilder. Tell him you are looking for a way to the Inverted Crown. Show him this.” She then pulled a silver chain necklace out of her shirt, unclasped it, and handed it to Karen. On the end was a golden medallion engraved with a glyph that resembled the head of a phoenix inset with the Kenlor rune of Tha. “This is the crest of the Knights Telessar. Do not lose it. Now go!”
Karen took the amulet and put it on. Immediately Alex protested. “Why is she the
leader?”
“Because I’m older, more responsible, and soon to be more powerful than you will ever-”
“Go!”
Alex and Karen ran back to their horses and resaddled. Chandra and Zenobia mounted with Karen and Michael mounted again with Alex. They eagerly awaited their signal. Suddenly they heard a loud battle cry from Halifax and his men, joined by the one hundred soldiers behind them, and then they saw Kaila and Rishtaria leap from their horses. Kaila tossed two blue vials toward Halifax’s men. There were two explosions, both bigger than the one from their escape. Several of Halifax’s men were sent flying from their horses. The remaining horses spooked, causing chaos as the ranks deteriorated. Alex then saw Rishtaria jump forward and raise her hands in a sweeping motion. Immediately, all around them was concealed in mist. Through it, though they could see nothing, they heard the roar and din of the battle, the clashing and clanging of armor and weapons.
“Karen, look!” Alex pointed toward an area where the haze was thin enough to see through. It was a path, ultimately leading around and away from the battle, toward the hills on the southeastern side of the river valley. “Well, my fearless leader,” Alex said with more than a hint of scorn, “you think that just maybe that’s the signal for us to…I don’t know, get the heck out of here?”
Karen rolled her eyes and spurred her horse into a run. “Just follow my lead, Alex. And try to keep up.”
As they sped away, Zenobia looked back, vainly hoping to get one last glimpse of her parents through the mist. “If we ever meet up with those soldiers again,” she said, feeling the hilt of her sword, “we will give them reason to fear us.”
Alex smiled wickedly and snapped his fingers. Immediately his hand burst into flame. He shot a fireball blindly into the mist, and was instantly rewarded with a soldier’s surprised scream. “You know it.”
Yes! HTML worked!
Before dawn the next day, the families broke camp and saddled up once more. They went at a very slow pace and took frequent breaks now, as the horses were still tired from their wild flight the previous day. But they were far enough ahead for it not to matter, and the storm that Kaila and Rishtaria had conjured behind them the previous day had erased their trail. So far, they had been following the banks of the Nuba River as it flowed southeastward, and after another two days of travel they had come to the Bridge of Nezar, the only crossing along the river’s entire length. This was the most dangerous part of their journey. Because Mora was actually a little north of the Watchtower of Nezar, they had passed by it at a distance on their way. That leg of the journey had been made at night, under the soft light of the moon, to prevent being seen by watchmen, and there had been hills to cover them. But the Bridge was deliberately in full view of the Watchtower, and on flat land. Multiplying their difficulties, the sun was now nearly setting in the west, casting its orange rays toward them.
–This opening paragraph is long and heavy on exposition. It might help to show this in action or perhaps dialogue rather than narration. Maybe they have Alex and Karen and maybe Raphael do a scouting run to find out what they can learn. (I recommend Raph over Alex’s father because Raphael is less prone to stealing scenes).
–Some of the sentences are loaded with commas. “That leg of the journey had been made at night, under the soft light of the moon, to prevent being seen by watchmen, and there had been hills to cover them.”
–Heavy on geography.
–There’s some wordiness and passiveness here. “Because Mora was actually a little north of the Watchtower of Nezar…” could be something like “Because Mora was slightly north…” “That leg of the journey had been made at night” is passive.
They would have to cross the bridge in order to continue, but it would be all too easy for the soldiers, coming from both the Tower and the Bridge Guard, to trap them here. To make matters worse, the bridge had been drawn to prevent crossing. The parents had begun to discuss among themselves. Alex could hear brief snatches of the conversation, and he knew that they were making a plan.
–Again, it might help to move this into action or dialogue.
–I feel like the commas pace this a bit too slowly. “They would have to cross the bridge in order to continue, but it would be all too easy for the soldiers, coming from both the Tower and the Bridge Guard, to trap them here.” I’d recommend rephrasing this to something like “They could be trapped here quite easily. They had to cross the bridge, which was heavily guarded.” That also helps avoid the probably unnecessary phrase “Bridge Guard.”
Once they reached the crossing, they rallied in the eastward stretching shadow of a singular oak tree, the only cover available. Xavier quickly explained their course of action. Kaila and Rishtaria would cross the river, incapacitate the guards, and lower the bridge so that the rest of them could cross while Xavier and Raphael guarded the rear. Alex asked to go with his mother and aunt, but Xavier would have none of it.
–Word choice. I’d recommend replacing “singular” with “lone” or “lonely” or just getting rid of it altogether… is it important that you indicate which way the shadow faces? … “rallied” might not be the best word.
“I will not have you risk your life again so foolishly,” he said, “Save your energy. We may have need of it later.”
–”may have need of it later.” I’d recommend “may need it later” or “may require it later.”
…[cutting forward]…
He doesn’t seem to mind that Karen is watching him as he disobeys his father. It might help if he at least tried to get alone before trying this. What’s his motive for disobeying his father? Boredom?
“I’m only half Man!” — I don’t feel this is very effective.
“Directive: Alex” sounds like it’s coming from a cyborg or Spock.
“Half of the men were armed with spears, while the other half carried bows.” This could probably be more stylish. What would you think about some variation on “brimming with spears and bows?”
“…he saw his father and uncle a the rear…” I think “a” should be “at.”
“Infuriation!” Pardon? This strikes me as an unusual exclamation.
“Because I’m older, more responsible, and soon to be more powerful…” I’d recommend replacing this with something shorter like “because I’m not an idiot.” I think that’s the best way to deal with likely reader assessment that Alex is. Also, this is a tense scene, so I’d recommend cutting out as much dialogue as possible.
XD
Yeah…about “Directive” and “Infuriation”. They are a little on the Spockish side, but that’s intentional. I needed a way to make Kaila’s voice different from the other parents. Xavier is “Optimus Prime/Mufasa”, Raphael is the wisecracker, Rishtaria is the voice of motherly affection. So to distinguish her, I made Kaila the voice of cold, unpitying reason. XD I did this earlier with “affirmative” and the sentimental attachment scene and you said it worked. Does it work now?
Also, her dialogue is slightly inspired by Red Tornado from Batman: The Brave and the Bold. Is that too much?
I’ll respon on the other points later.
Brett! You’re back for good.
So got to “see” you. I have have 12 days until summer vacation, so that’s a drag. I’d love to read your new chapter, but I have to do a stupid assignment about starting a lame business. I’m off to an easy A.
Hahaha. Good luck with that.
I think it works a lot more smoothly with words like “affirmative” than “directive: [whatever]” or “infuriation.” Affirmative sounds like military jargon, which is believable and fitting for this character. But I don’t think that making her sounds like a robot fits in well here. First, she’s not a robot and second, this isn’t science fiction. In contrast, Red Tornado is a robot (or an android, rather), so he should sound like one.
Also, usually I would recommend against having a character say what he’s feeling, like “I’m infuriated!” It’s usually not quite as powerful as having him express his emotions in a more believable way. I guess one exception could be that a character might say what he’s feeling if he’s supposed to come off as socially awkward and/or alien. (That’s why Agent Orange repeatedly says how surly he is getting).
hmmm.. good point. Here is a list of the words Kaila might use in any given situation. I’d like to know which ones work and which don’t.
Adulation- used for the purposes of complimenting.
Advocation- used to support another’s position
Affirmative- duh XD
Aggravation- expression of annoyance
Appellation- used for “ad-ons” or caveats
Blood relation- how she might refer to her nephews
Clarification- self-explanatory
Conclusion- also self-explanatory
Confusion- again, self-explanatory
Declaration- used to state an unquestionable fact
Delegation- used to assign tasks
Directive- command
Explanation- used to…well, used to explain pretty much.
Exultation- expression of joy. (maybe sarcastically)
Fabrication- used to accuse someone of lying
Illogical Statement- hee hee. Spock.
Infuriation- youve seen this
Interrogative- question
Negative- no
Quotation- duh
Reiteration- duh
Revelation- used to reveal something previously unknown
Simplification- in a nutshell
What do you think?
Also, what do you think of the Chapter 8 title?
As a one word interjection? Umm, I think the only two of these that could stand alone as a normal-sounding (if stiff) sentence would be “affirmative” and “negative.” Again, that’s a bit formal and stiff, but it sounds like how a hardened soldier might talk.
In contrast, I think a sentence like “Directive: Do X” or “Simplification: You’re an idiot” sound so mechanical that they detract from the story. Anyway. I think it’s good that you’re experimenting with unusual character voices. I would recommend asking RB or anyone else with a fancy for fantasy and sci-fi whether this sort of voice fits the story.
Thanks! btw, what do you think of the chapter 8 title: “Flight of the Abandoned”?
I don’t get it. But the good news is that the chapter titles get less important as the story goes on. (People get their opening impression of the book by scanning the first few chapter titles). So I don’t think it’s a big issue.
Brett, do you happen to have a thesaurus in your house? (Online ones work too, but I refer books for some reason.) You could try typing out Kaila’s dialogue as a normal person would, then finding a word with a similar meaning which gives her speech that cold feeling. For example, instead of “inquire” she might take it one step further and say “interrogate” or “question” (lame example, I know, my mind is blank. I think short and snappy sentences will definitely help, too. What do you think?
On another note, it’s great to have you back!
I have a feeling that is the modus operandi of the creator of Microsoft Paint Adventures.
Thanks for the welcome and the suggestion Holliequ. Its great to be back.
Chapter 8 Edits: I tried to fix the problems you mentioned. I also tried to make Alex’s motivation a little more apparent. Some changes are bolded to make them obvious.
—————————————–
Here they could be trapped easily. At any moment, soldiers could swarm from the Tower behind them. The Bridge was guarded, and had been drawn to prevent crossing. The parents had begun to discuss among themselves. Alex could hear brief snatches of the conversation, and he knew that they were making a plan.
Once they reached the crossing, they huddled in the eastward stretching shadow of a lone oak tree, the only available cover. Xavier quickly explained their course of action.
“Kaila and Rishtaria will cross the river, incapacitate the guards, and lower the bridge so that the rest of us may cross. Raphael and I will guard the rear.”
“Dad,” Alex spoke up, “can I go with them, please?”
“No.”
“Why not? I proved myself at the tower.”
“What you proved is that you were able humiliate one unprepared soldier, and that you were rash and irresponsible enough to use your powers in public despite our forbiddance.”
“But, Dad-”
“No. Let go of your anger. Now is not the time to prove anything to anyone, including yourself. There is too much at stake. To risk your life again so would be foolish.” Then he caught the defiant glint in his son’s eyes and, in spite of himself, Xavier was impressed. “Save your energy,” he said. “We may require it later.”
So now Alex sat on the grass under the large oak tree, plucking at the grass in frustration. After all this, being dragged to the Tower, being forced to leave his home, he deserved at least an opportunity to help. One moment of glory. And more than that, a chance at revenge. His brow was furrowed in thought, his mind racing to devise a plan that would allow him to help. He found none except-
“Alex, stop.” Karen had dared to interrupt his thoughts. “I know what you’re thinking, so don’t bother. If you try, I’ll tell Uncle Xavier that”
Alex ignored Karen, and continued to bury himself in thought. He would need to act quickly. He watched as Kaila and Rishtaria walked over to the river and gestured over the rushing water, causing it to slow and freeze. Soon there was a bridge of ice, not strong enough to hold horses, but more than adequate for a person of middle size. Now! he thought.
“Sit here if you want Karen,” he said. But if they won’t give me my opportunity, I’ll take it!
Edits cont’d:
Alex, trying vainly to keep from looking foolish, said, “I’m half Man! Half!”
Rishtaria ignored his response as she and Kaila ran toward the soldiers, cutting them down effortlessly. Alex stood frozen in awe as they demonstrated their fighting prowess.
“Alex,” Kaila shouted, “step to it and let down the bridge!” Her voice startled Alex as if from a daydream, and he ran out of the guardhouse to obey, looking back occasionally to glimpse the fray.
…skipping ahead…
On the plain before them were fifty mounted Royal Guardsmen, standing between them and their escape. They were obviously prepared, and well armed with spears and bows.
—————————
Thoughts?
I tried to fix the problems you mentioned. See my edits above.
I’d like to help, but honestly, I have no idea where to start. What would you like help with, Brett?
haha. mostly thats a theatrical move to get B. Mac’s attention. but if you could compare the changed sections to see if the changes are effective, it would help. see B. Mac’s criticism and my revisions above. Thanks!
Admittedly, I’m better at reviewing facets and opposed to whole piece. When I do pieces, particularly well written one’s I find it hard to nitpick. But that doesn’t mean I won’t help in any way I can.
Generally, I think it’s really good (of course). I think the revisions help with some of the clarification and meaning. And the writing is solid and clean. My main concern is Alex’s progress as an interesting main character. Were up to eight chapters nd Alex hasn’t proved himself as entirely competent/stylish. When I say stylish I don’t mean as in personality, he’s very well characterized, but his mode of operation so far has been “rush-in”(and make a mistake). However, I suspect soon enough we’ll see Alex prove some style and creativity.
“I would recommend asking RB or anyone else with a fancy for fantasy and sci-fi whether this sort of voice fits the story.”
-Hey! I got a reference. I think as of now Kaila’s langauge sounds a little too futuristic spy/military recruit for the fantasy setting. I think her use of “correction” was her best use of this style. I like the idea for Kaila’s voice, cold and tactical, so I’d recommend playing up her candorous edge. A few splashes of humorous sarcasm would also keep her from seeming unlikeable. I’m guessing she’s your Deadpan Snarker, so playing up her tactical side might also help. Did I mention Kaila is my favorite character?
Of the adults, I mean. Alex is my favorite of the youths.
Not much time for comments. I mentioned I’m on a business trip, right?
Looks ok. I still have reservations about the voice of the aunt. I fear she will sound kind of like the robot on Lost in Space. “Danger, Will Robinson!” Could possibly work with edits. I agree with RB’s comments on her.
Not sure about Alex here. I think it’s a blurry line between a protagonist that’s well-developed as an impulsive character that makes mistakes and this being an idiot plot. Making mistakes is good– characters should be flawed– but these mistakes make him feel slightly unlikable to me. Might help to temporarily split the parents from the kids for this chapter. When Alex/Karen come back to their parents, Dad learns that Alex did something impulsive and flips out. I think that would work better because directly disobeying an order to sit still is more idiotic (and harder to like) than botching an order to do something complicated. Same character, same traits, different circumstances.
Anyway. I’m looking forward to the next chapter.
Im back. Sorry, missed the business trip. *^_^*
Thanks for the suggestions. The good news is that there are key planned events that will help to develop Alex past his impulsiveness to being more subtle and tactical. He’s not an idiot, just strong-willed. He’s very intelligent actually.
Key Events
When the kids are on their own:
Alex will have to work with Karen to succeed. This will test him A LOT, and will force him and Karen to get over their childish feud. Mostly.
The Academy:
Alex will be around a whole bunch of people with powers in an environment where there are rules AND consequences. Obviously, roasting his rivals is no longer an option. (He tries it once and gets sent to the Headmaster’s office.)
Kenlor Training:
Alex will go from being a smartmouth boy with flaming hands to a true warrior prepared to become king. (He’s not going to be perfect, but he’ll still be pretty bada*s.)
Btw, I think I’m going to subvert the cliche of having his mentor die at the end of training. What do you think?
Kidnapping:
He will be in enemy territory surrounded by people who have only kept him alive because:
a. He could be a powerful ally.
b. He has information they want.
Thus, if he tries to escape (which he does) his kidnappers will kill him. His escape attempt is not successful, but he does manage to signal* a rescue party before taking on Kallisto.
Coronation and Judgment:
He is shocked into the realization that he now has power, and that with power comes responsibility. This forces him to mature and change his ideas about what power is and how it should be used. He also has to judge the traitor who sold him to the kidnappers. (he sentences him to death, but thats besides the point.)
Thoughts?
*Please note that he does something and is not just rescued randomly.
I think those are some pretty good events to showcase Alex’s actual ingenuity. I must ask, how long is he lapse of time between the kids on their own and The Academy? If it’s too long readers might get bored with Alex.
On a side note, and this is a bit of a personal request, when you do the kids on their own scene I’d like to see what everyone can do. At least a little bit, I want to see the others use their power at least once (even though you don’t have a water user
).
What can Alex’s and Karen’s siblings do again? I know one controls crystals.
Thanks RB! To answer your questions:
1. The gap between kids on their own and the academy I see at most being 2 chapters. Not much.
2. At this point, Alex and Karen are the only ones with developed powers. The others don’t have them yet.
So exhibiting their powers wont be possible. Id have to explain a lot, which would bog down scenes that will need to move fairly quickly. However, as a favor to you, I might throw them in with Amorelia and the rest of the rescue party that come for Alex when he’s kidnapped. That way I can show their powers without explaining, as the audience will assume they learned and developed them at the Academy. 
Thoughts?
That sounds workable and pretty kickass. I’ll be waiting on the next chapters. I’m off to The Dreaming.
Good night.
I have not been able top use my computer for a week. But soon, I shall be back on schedule. >:D
I’m Requesting Opinions and Suggestions
In my book, I have planned a unique relationship between Alex and Jacques or Jack (formerly known as Edmond). I plan to use their deeply contrasting personalities and styles to comedic effect, pitting Alex’s cutting sarcasm against Jack’s bumbling, yet unfathomably lucky nature. This will center around Jack’s fervent belief that he is the “Chosen One,” so to speak. (I probably wont use those exact words, but the idea is that Jack thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread.)
Jack’s “special-ness” is showcased in the following ways, much to Alex’s chagrin:
1. he may or may not come from a wealthy background
2. he thinks he is morally superior to pretty much everyone despite the fact that he makes questionable choices.
3. he joined the Knights to “make a difference in the world” (Alex rolls his eyes at such idealism.)
4. he was born “way stronger than average” (but not superpower-level.)
5. he “just so happened” to find a magical sword (that by rights should belong to Alex, but more on that later,) and a dragon egg.
6. he will occasionally make Superman/Adam West-esque monologues about his idealism, truth, justice, and all that, only to be cut off in the middle of it by Alex’s snarkism.
7. he was lucky enough to be given the power to shoot lightning from his fingertips in exchange for doing a magician a small favor. (The joke is that this favor is something the the magician could have ostensibly done himself, rather than giving a teenager the power to fry people with his fingers!!! Of course, Alex points out the inherent ridiculosity of this idea. Hilarity ensues.
8. he can, every so often, blunder into success. And when he makes a mistake, he is often lucky enough to get off the hook, much to Alex’s chagrin.
9. he can flirt to ridiculous levels without being reprimanded or slapped.
10. the only people who will really take him to task are:
-Alex, who around Jack plays the part of “deadpan snarker”
-Amorelia, who is annoyed by his flirting attempts
-Whit, because she’s crazy and pretty much loyal to Alex no matter what
-Sara, who serves as a sort of maternal figure to Jack and pops in every so often to keep him in check.
****Comments, recommendations, and suggestions on the above would be much appreciated!****
Also…
To further highlight Jack’s humorous idealism, I’d like him to have a corny tag line or catchphrase. It has to be cheezy enough to be annoying, so Alex can make remarks about how cheezy it is, but it should not be cheezy to the point of reader annoyance. For obvious reasons. Comments, recommendations, and suggestions here would also be appreciated.
Much thanks, Brett out!
my apologies about the above. i accidentally over-italicized. XD i goofed!
As for his catchphrase, if you want mega-cheesy, ‘nobody saves the day like me!’ or ‘there’s butt that needs kicking’, or ‘justice has a name, besides justice, and that name is Jack!’
In fact, just go on Youtube and watch Doctor Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog and make notes every time Captain Hammer’s on-screen for cheesy ‘heroics’.
Well, I can definitely sympathise with Alex. If I knew somebody like that in real life I probably would have murdered them by now.
I’d use this character carefully. If his character can be summed up by the words “how Eragon should have been” for the whole novel, I suspect readers will groan every time he appears on the page, as opposed to laugh.
Thanks, Tom and Holliequ. As for the groaning issue, I intend to have a few serious moments with the character, such as when he’s about to make a huge mistake (like an unnecessary self-sacrifice for example), but his pigheaded “hero-ness” “requires” him to do it, or when he has a moment where he actually does something right (follow the plan instead of showboating XD). You know, kinda like how even Superman has those moments when he’s not a dick?……….right?…………….right?
XD
Arrrrrgh! A camp at Notre Dame (along with other things) has delayed me.
Oops! Forgot my name. lol
By the way, I have decided to move Alex’s age up a bit at the start of the novel maybe. 16 perhaps?
In South Bend? Small world!
16 sounds fine. How old had he been?
Yep, I guess it is a small world. XD And he was 14 before. I decided that would be a bit too young for my intended demographic. I mean, I probably wouldn’t pick up a book about a 14-year-old. Under most circumstances, anyway.
Compare with above versions.
———————————————-
Chapter One: Charming Like a Wolverine (New version):
As Alexander, son of Xavier, walked through the crowd of people in the marketplace, someone who didn’t know any better would think he was royalty. The brown-skinned youth strode forward with all the confidence of a general and all the regal bearing of a king. The bags laden with groceries he carried did nothing to detract from his commanding presence. As he went, the crowd parted before him. But they did so not out of respect, but out of fear. Alex might seem human at a first glance, but there were signs otherwise, his pointed ears being one. While Alex was human on his father’s side, his mother was Kenlor, one of the Tree-born, those hardy and enchanted people some Men consider savages. In the eyes of many, this was a crime beyond all forgiveness. But despite the prejudice he faced daily, Alex refused to hide what he was, and the word shame held no meaning for him. Neither did humility.
As he marched through the hastily parting sea of good citizens, who wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of a halfling would die, and painfully, he noted their reactions to his presence. The few wealthy who actually came to the market glared down there noses in contempt. But when he passed servants and poorer folk, he met a mixture of hatred and fear, if anyone was brave enough to look straight at him at all. Mothers yanked their children away, and men brandished knives.
The sun was hanging low in the sky now, bathing the blue sandstone of the city in its warm orange light. Alex wanted to get home before dusk, and fortunately, this was his last stop. He ended his one-man procession in front of a fairly small cabbage stand. The merchant glared at him from the corner of his eyes, though never daring direct eye contact. He was watching him closely, as if he expected something worse than robbery. He looked tough, but his body reeked of fear.
“I don’t sell to the likes of you.” He said.
Alex was unmoved by the man’s reply. He had expected it. The merchant’s refusal was merely a minor annoyance. “Too bad,” Alex said with a smirk, slowly approaching. “If you’re smart, you will sell to me, or you might not sell to anyone else.”
“Look, I said I don’t sell to your kind. Now beat it or–”
“Or what?” Alex put the groceries down and crossed his arms. He wasn’t especially muscular, but nevertheless made quite an imposing figure.
The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. He even tried to stare Alex down, but was unable to meet the gaze of those burning crimson eyes. “Well, I figure the guards’ll know how to deal with you.”
It wasn’t an idle threat. Last month, the guards had roughed him up after he had been falsely accused of cursing Farmer Dunkel’s wheat. Today, Alex had noticed guards shadowing him from a distance, or stiffening when he came near. He did not want a repeat of the wheat crop incident.
“Really, is that so?” Alex bent down and scooped a handful of dust from the street, letting it slip through his fingers. “I seem to recall the last merchant who wouldn’t sell to ‘my kind’ disintegrated into a thousand tiny pieces, and I’m getting the feeling that my being here is making your other potential customers really nervous. They just might, I don’t know, leave. Who could blame them?” He smirked again and ran his fingers casually through his reddish-black hair. “I am becoming very impatient. I get dangerous when I’m impatient. And when I get dangerous, your other customers won’t want to stick around and see what happens. As I said, if you don’t sell to me, you might not sell to anyone.” It wouldn’t be the first time this tactic had worked. Alex often had to use trickery to get his way with stubborn merchants.
Sweat poured down the man’s face as his eyes darted back and forth in frustration. Because of the threat, yes, but mostly because he couldn’t afford to lose customers. “You can’t threaten me, boy. I’ll have you arrested!”
“Call your guards! Call them now! They’re useless!” Alex quickly pulled out a knife and cut his left palm, allowing the blood to flow down his hand and drip onto the counter of merchant’s booth. “Watch,” he said. After a few seconds his halfling immune system kicked in. The blood flow stopped and the cut healed, leaving only a minor scar. Alex smiled. It was time to stretch the truth.
“Last time, I regrew both arms and a leg before the guards gave up,” he said. Truthfully, after the wheat crop incident, he had been too busy running to do anything of the sort, even if he could have. “And that’s not all.” Alex set his knife on the counter and covered it with a scrap of cloth that he carried for just such occasions. He waved his hands in meaningless gestures over the veiled knife, while making a great show of chanting indiscernible gibberish. He then slammed his fist on top of it. When Alex removed the cloth, there was nothing on the counter except dust. It was an old illusion his father had taught him. Alex then waved the cloth before the merchant’s face, and produced the knife in his hand with a flourish.
“I can use my power to summon and destroy weapons, as well as creatures, far greater and more terrible than this knife. These are only a small sample of my power. I don’t think you want to see more.” When bluffing didn’t work, sleight of hand usually did.
The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! Take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” The man dropped the curtain of his stand and swore viciously under his breath, but Alex only caught one word, “Mongrel!”
Alex collected what he wanted and left, convulsing. He could bear the word halfling. At least there was some dignity in it. But “mongrel,” which meant only worthless, filthy, and dangerous, he could not stand.
As Alex headed home, his errands complete, his anger dissipated. He wondered for a moment whether or not he should have felt guilty for bullying the cabbage merchant. He immediately dismissed the idea. The human had no right to make him feel guilty. He had two distinct heritages and was proud of them both.
Suddenly, he felt a sharp sting on his back, followed by several more. He turned to see a group of boys holding stones. Alex raised an eyebrow. The boys, no doubt thinking vengeance was at hand, dropped the stones and ran for their lives. Alex laughed and continued on his way. The discrimination, prejudice and fear that others had for him was irrelevant. He was proud of his pointed ears and red-black hair, and he would compromise for no one.
But humans had a reason to be suspicious of half-breeds. They were notorious for exhibiting powers believed to be beyond their control. Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were second only to dragons when it came to destruction. Ten times worse even, because dragons had not been seen for centuries now. Then he remembered that not all people were like that. He shrugged. Maybe not all of them, but enough to justify my tactics. But then he thought, What would Dad say?
If anyone gossiped about Alex’s father, Xavier, it was behind closed doors with hushed tones. Xavier never spoke threats, he only gave warnings, and those never in vain. He was quite highly regarded, despite having married a Kenloa. He also was known for being short on patience and long on retribution. Like father, like son. Except that Alex bluffed when necessary.
The humans of Mora prided themselves on their normality, and having an oddity like Alex around was a scourge on their very way of life. Their Mora was a charming town on the banks of the Nuba River, where the rolling hills were now tinged with the beginning of the harvest season. The green trees began to turn shades of gold, red, and orange in the month of September, their leaves a fiery harbinger of the fruits of nature to come. Their Mora was a place where the people were friendly, welcomed you to visit, and encouraged you to return. And they thought this image of their Mora was marred by the presence of a halfling. They had plotted many ways to get rid of him, but none worked. They had asked his more respectable father to keep him out of the public eye, but he would not hear them. The bravest among them had tried to persecute and intimidate him, to make his life miserable, but they had failed. The proud abomination would not be intimidated, and in the end their fear got the best of them. Oh, Mora was charming alright: charming like a wolverine.
As he marched home, crunching the autumn leaves and kicking at a rock in his path (it was one that had been thrown at him earlier), Alex saw a girl out of the corner of his eye. He instantly recognized her, and walked faster. Ugh, Karen. She saw him and walked in his direction. Alex had failed to avoid cousin yet again. He really didn’t want to deal with her right now. Karen was also very skilled at irritating him and Alex could not tolerate her.
Everyone liked Karen, though she was also half-Kenlor. Maybe it was something about her long, straight silvery-white hair. Maybe it was her musical voice. The humans were always talking about how wonderful she was. But Alex knew the truth. To him, Karen was nothing but deviousness and trickery. They had been rivals as long as Alex could remember. But the battle for supremacy would have to wait. Right now, all Alex wanted was to get the groceries home intact. If Karen made him angry again, that would be nearly impossible.
“Hey, Alex!” Karen shouted.
Alex pretended that he could not hear her over the commotion in the street and walked even faster. He took refuge among the braying donkeys, bleating sheep, and bellowing oxen. He sought sanction among the noise of carts and hagglers. He ducked into the multitude, thinking to disguise himself among the masses. He groaned to himself at having to stoop to such methods, but he had to get away from her. He tried to comfort his bruised pride, telling himself he wasn’t hiding; he was using stealth to evade the enemy, which was completely different. All the while he pictured the blue sandstone house where he lived, his destination. He would not let anything distract him, not even Karen. He moved quickly, so that no one could make out his half-breed features. Leaving a wake in the crowd would only help Karen get to him faster.
She would not be denied. “Alex! Yes, I’m talking to you, horntoad!”
Alex growled to himself through clenched teeth. He would deal with Karen later. He made a sharp turn and ran toward the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd. Who could pick out one youth among the hundreds who gathered in the square? Alex plunged into the crowd, taking several twists and turns he was sure would disorient his adversary. After this, he emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.
——————————————
A few major changes:
-First paragraph completely redone to make a better, bigger first impression on the reader. Probably the most critical change.
-More scenery and description in places where it felt the story was occurring in a vacuum.
-In version one, Alex was the ragtag “mean kid.” I tweaked his age, and his personality a bit. He’s older, so he’s less “mean” and more proud and confident. (Note that he “marched” and “strode” rather than just plain “walked”) I wanted to play up that (unlike Karen) he’s not going to compromise for anyone, and he is totally unafraid of what these townspeople may (or may not) throw at him. I think that making him justifiably proud rather than a mean bully makes him more likable from the start.
Thoughts? Questions? Opinions? Comments?
REDUX! Ignore above and compare THIS with above versions.
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Chapter One: Charming Like a Wolverine (New version):
As Alexander, son of Xavier, walked through the crowd of people in the marketplace, someone who didn’t know any better would think he was royalty. The brown-skinned youth strode forward with all the confidence of a general and all the regal bearing of a king. The bags laden with groceries he carried did nothing to detract from his commanding presence. As he went, the crowd parted before him. But they did so not out of respect, but out of fear. Alex might seem human at a first glance, but there were signs otherwise, his pointed ears being one. While Alex was human on his father’s side, his mother was Kenlor, one of the Tree-born, those hardy and enchanted people some Men consider savages. In the eyes of many, this was a crime beyond all forgiveness. But despite the prejudice he faced daily, Alex refused to hide what he was, and the word shame held no meaning for him. Neither did humility.
As he marched through the hastily parting sea of good citizens, who wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of a halfling would die, and painfully, he noted their reactions to his presence. The few wealthy who actually came to the market glared down there noses in contempt. But when he passed servants and poorer folk, he met a mixture of hatred and fear, if anyone was brave enough to look straight at him at all. Mothers yanked their children away, and men brandished knives.
The sun was hanging low in the sky now, bathing the blue sandstone of the city in its warm orange light. Alex wanted to get home before dusk, and fortunately, this was his last stop. He ended his one-man procession in front of a fairly small cabbage stand. The merchant glared at him from the corner of his eyes, though never daring direct eye contact. He was watching him closely, as if he expected something worse than robbery. He looked tough, but his body reeked of fear.
“I don’t sell to the likes of you.” He said.
Alex was unmoved by the man’s reply. He had expected it. The merchant’s refusal was merely a minor annoyance. “Too bad,” Alex said with a smirk, slowly approaching. “If you’re smart, you will sell to me, or you might not sell to anyone else.”
“Look, I said I don’t sell to your kind. Now beat it or–”
“Or what?” Alex put the groceries down and crossed his arms. He wasn’t especially muscular, but nevertheless made quite an imposing figure.
The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. He even tried to stare Alex down, but was unable to meet the gaze of those burning crimson eyes. “Well, I figure the guards’ll know how to deal with you.”
It wasn’t an idle threat. Last month, the guards had roughed him up after he had been falsely accused of cursing Farmer Dunkel’s wheat. Today, Alex had noticed guards shadowing him from a distance, or stiffening when he came near. He did not want a repeat of the wheat crop incident.
“Really, is that so?” Alex bent down and scooped a handful of dust from the street, letting it slip through his fingers. “I seem to recall the last merchant who wouldn’t sell to ‘my kind’ disintegrated into a thousand tiny pieces, and I’m getting the feeling that my being here is making your other potential customers really nervous. They just might, I don’t know, leave. Who could blame them?” He smirked again and ran his fingers casually through his reddish-black hair. “I am becoming very impatient. I get dangerous when I’m impatient. And when I get dangerous, your other customers won’t want to stick around and see what happens. As I said, if you don’t sell to me, you might not sell to anyone.” It wouldn’t be the first time this tactic had worked. Alex often had to use trickery to get his way with stubborn merchants.
Sweat poured down the man’s face as his eyes darted back and forth in frustration. Because of the threat, yes, but mostly because he couldn’t afford to lose customers. “You can’t threaten me, boy. I’ll have you arrested!”
“Call your guards! Call them now! They’re useless!” Alex quickly pulled out a knife and cut his left palm, allowing the blood to flow down his hand and drip onto the counter of merchant’s booth. “Watch,” he said. After a few seconds his halfling immune system kicked in. The blood flow stopped and the cut healed, leaving only a minor scar. Alex smiled. It was time to stretch the truth.
“Last time, I regrew both arms and a leg before the guards gave up,” he said. Truthfully, after the wheat crop incident, he had been too busy running to do anything of the sort, even if he could have. “And that’s not all.” Alex set his knife on the counter and covered it with a scrap of cloth that he carried for just such occasions. He waved his hands in meaningless gestures over the veiled knife, while making a great show of chanting indiscernible gibberish. He then slammed his fist on top of it. When Alex removed the cloth, there was nothing on the counter except dust. It was an old illusion his father had taught him. Alex then waved the cloth before the merchant’s face, and produced the knife in his hand with a flourish.
“I can use my power to summon and destroy weapons, as well as creatures, far greater and more terrible than this knife. These are only a small sample of my power. I don’t think you want to see more.” When bluffing didn’t work, sleight of hand usually did.
The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! Take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” The man dropped the curtain of his stand and swore viciously under his breath, but Alex only caught one word, “Mongrel!”
Alex collected what he wanted and left, convulsing. He could bear the word halfling. At least there was some dignity in it. But “mongrel,” which meant only worthless, filthy, and dangerous, he could not stand.
As Alex headed home, his errands complete, his anger dissipated. He wondered for a moment whether or not he should have felt guilty for bullying the cabbage merchant. He immediately dismissed the idea. The human had no right to make him feel guilty. He had two distinct heritages and was proud of them both.
Suddenly, he felt a sharp sting on his back, followed by several more. He turned to see a group of boys holding stones. Alex raised an eyebrow. The boys, no doubt thinking vengeance was at hand, dropped the stones and ran for their lives. Alex laughed and continued on his way. The discrimination, prejudice and fear that others had for him was irrelevant. He was proud of his pointed ears and red-black hair, and he would compromise for no one.
But humans had a reason to be suspicious of half-breeds. They were notorious for exhibiting powers believed to be beyond their control. Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were second only to dragons when it came to destruction. Ten times worse even, because dragons had not been seen for centuries now. Then he remembered that not all people were like that. He shrugged. Maybe not all of them, but enough to justify my tactics. But then he thought, What would Dad say?
If anyone gossiped about Alex’s father, Xavier, it was behind closed doors with hushed tones. Xavier never spoke threats, he only gave warnings, and those never in vain. He was quite highly regarded, despite having married a Kenloa. He also was known for being short on patience and long on retribution. Like father, like son. Except that Alex bluffed when necessary.
The humans of Mora prided themselves on their normality, and having an oddity like Alex around was a scourge on their very way of life. Their Mora was a charming town on the banks of the Nuba River, where the rolling hills were now tinged with the beginning of the harvest season. The green trees began to turn shades of gold, red, and orange in the month of September, their leaves a fiery harbinger of the fruits of nature to come. Their Mora was a place where the people were friendly, welcomed you to visit, and encouraged you to return. And they thought this image of their Mora was marred by the presence of a halfling. They had plotted many ways to get rid of him, but none worked. They had asked his more respectable father to keep him out of the public eye, but he would not hear them. The bravest among them had tried to persecute and intimidate him, to make his life miserable, but they had failed. The proud abomination would not be intimidated, and in the end their fear got the best of them. Oh, Mora was charming alright: charming like a wolverine.
As he marched home, crunching the autumn leaves and kicking at a rock in his path (it was one that had been thrown at him earlier), Alex saw a girl out of the corner of his eye. He instantly recognized her, and walked faster. Ugh, Karen. She saw him and walked in his direction. Alex had failed to avoid cousin yet again. He really didn’t want to deal with her right now. Karen was also very skilled at irritating him and Alex could not tolerate her.
Everyone liked Karen, though she was also half-Kenlor. Maybe it was something about her long, straight silvery-white hair. Maybe it was her musical voice. The humans were always talking about how wonderful she was. But Alex knew the truth. To him, Karen was nothing but deviousness and trickery. They had been rivals as long as Alex could remember. But the battle for supremacy would have to wait. Right now, all Alex wanted was to get the groceries home intact. If Karen made him angry again, that would be nearly impossible.
“Hey, Alex!” Karen shouted.
Alex pretended that he could not hear her over the commotion in the street and walked even faster. He took refuge among the braying donkeys, bleating sheep, and bellowing oxen. He sought sanction among the noise of carts and hagglers. He ducked into the multitude, thinking to disguise himself among the masses. He groaned to himself at having to stoop to such methods, but he had to get away from her. He tried to comfort his bruised pride, telling himself he wasn’t hiding; he was using stealth to evade the enemy, which was completely different. All the while he pictured the blue sandstone house where he lived, his destination. He would not let anything distract him, not even Karen. He moved quickly, so that no one could make out his half-breed features. Leaving a wake in the crowd would only help Karen get to him faster.
She would not be denied. “Alex! Yes, I’m talking to you, horntoad!”
Alex growled to himself through clenched teeth. He would deal with Karen later. He made a sharp turn and ran toward the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd. Who could pick out one youth among the hundreds who gathered in the square? Alex plunged into the crowd, taking several twists and turns he was sure would disorient his adversary. After this, he emerged and continued on his path, only to find Karen blocking the way.
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A few major changes:
-First paragraph completely redone to make a better, bigger first impression on the reader. Probably the most critical change.
-More scenery and description in places where it felt the story was occurring in a vacuum.
-In version one, Alex was the ragtag “mean kid.” I tweaked his age, and his personality a bit. He’s older, so he’s less “mean” and more proud and confident. (Note that he “marched” and “strode” rather than just plain “walked”) I wanted to play up that (unlike Karen) he’s not going to compromise for anyone, and he is totally unafraid of what these townspeople may (or may not) throw at him. I think that making him justifiably proud rather than a mean bully makes him more likable from the start.
Thoughts? Questions? Opinions? Comments?
FYI: My changes were motivated by information gleaned at the website of one Nathan Bransford. When I read that he requests the first five pages with all queries, it hit me. He’s going to base his entire opinion of my work on just the first chapter! That makes this chapter especially important. My opening just wasnt enough of a hook I thought, so I redid it.
“As Alexander, son of Xavier, walked through the crowd of people in the marketplace, someone who didn’t know any better would think he was royalty.”
-Who is Xavier? Why should we care that he’s Alex’s father? This chapter is about Alex, so I would remove that detail.
-I think the last clause makes the narrator seem a bit too . . . present (I’m suffering from lethologica again. Bear with me). I think you could merge the next sentence into this one.
“Alex might seem human at a first glance, but there were signs otherwise, his pointed ears being one.”
-I think this sentence runs on a little. You could probably rewrite it as something like “There were a few details which marked Alex out as not quite human: pointed ears, [list one or two others here].”
“While Alex was human on his father’s side, his mother was Kenlor, one of the Tree-born . . .”
-What is a Kenlor? Why should we care what one is? If they’re a race of something like woodland elves, I would introduce them as that and then give us the proper name later. I think this is unneccesary right now.
“. . .those hardy and enchanted people some Men consider savages.”
-Ack! This is poetic but somewhat awkward wording. It also doesn’t fit with your style of narration, in my opinion.
-Could this be cut? Or, alternatively, made more informative? (Um, hardniess and enchantment could probably be demonstrated later. On the other hand, what I remember of Alex’s mother doesn’t strike me as “savage”. Why do some men consider them savages?)
“Neither did humility.”
-Haha! I like this bit of humour.
“As he marched through the hastily parting sea of good citizens, who wholeheartedly believed that anyone within a five foot radius of a halfling would die, and painfully, he noted their reactions to his presence.”
-This sentence is a bit long.
-The detail about the painful death is amusing. I like it!
-I don’t think the last clause is neccesary.
-What do you think of reworking this sentence to something like “As he marched through the sea of people, he was given a wide berth. Most of the good citizens seemed to believe anyone within a five foot radius of a halfling would suffer a rather painful death.” (I think this makes it clearer the ‘good citizens’ is supposed to be sarcastic. What do you think?)
““I don’t sell to the likes of you.” He said.”
-I think he should be uncapitalised and there should be a comma after ‘you’.
“The man gulped, but maintained a scowl. He even tried to stare Alex down, but was unable to meet the gaze of those burning crimson eyes. “Well, I figure the guards’ll know how to deal with you.””
This could probably written simplier as ‘unable to meet the gaze of his crimson eyes’. Or some variation thereof.
-There’s a ‘those’ sentence again!
-I like the description and the speech here. I think it makes the man’s position very clear.
“Because of the threat, yes, but mostly because he couldn’t afford to lose customers.”
-The narrator seems to be acting like a character here – this feels too conversational. What do you think of something like ‘Alex wondered if the man’s reaction was caused by the thought of losing customers, rather than his threat’?
“The vendor was quivering as he spoke. “Alright, alright! Take the cabbage and leave me alone. This shop is closed.” ”
-Um, a few seconds ago, the man was worried about losing customers. Now he’s losing them by closing the shop anyway?
“Everyone in town just knew that Alex’s “kind” were second only to dragons when it came to destruction. Ten times worse even, because dragons had not been seen for centuries now.”
-Comparing them to dragons feels a little worthless if the dragons haven’t been seen for hundreds of years. What would you think of something like ‘Alex’s “kind” were rumoured to have destructive powers to rival the dragons of centuries ago’?
“Except that Alex bluffed when necessary.”
-Hmm . . . I think this could be a little smoother. “Except that Alex sometimes found it neccesary to bluff his way out of trouble”? (I know that’s longer, but it feels more natural to me. What do you think?)
“Their Mora was a place where the people were friendly, welcomed you to visit, and encouraged you to return. And they thought this image of their Mora was marred by the presence of a halfling.”
-This was when I realised that “their” in this case is referring to the humans, not Alex’s family.
“The proud abomination would not be intimidated, and in the end their fear got the best of them.”
-This is from Alex’s POV, right? Why is he describing himself as an abomination?
-I think you could probably cut this line. I don’t think it adds much after describing what the humans have done to try and get rid of him.
“Oh, Mora was charming alright: charming like a wolverine.”
-I love this line!
“Karen was also very skilled at irritating him and Alex could not tolerate her.”
-I don’t think ‘also’ is needed here.
-I don’t think you need both of these phrases. One sort of implies the other. (If I had to suggest one to get rid of, I would say the latter. It’s pretty obvious already that Alex can’t tolerate her.)
“He made a sharp turn and ran toward the town square, hoping to lose her in the crowd.”
-Hasn’t he just tried this with another crowd? (“. . . thinking to disguise himself among the masses.”)
Gah, forgot something. I think the ending could benefit from a thought from Alex. You know, just something to indicate how he feels about not losing Karen. (“Oh crap” or something similar would work well, I think
)
Actually, that one paragraph was a totally different POV. XD I’ll fix that.
And as for the “Son of Xavier” thing, it sort of stands in for a last name in this culture. cutting it out makes it feel like something is missing.
Hollique said: I think this sentence runs on a little. You could probably rewrite it as something like “There were a few details which marked Alex out as not quite human: pointed ears, [list one or two others here].”
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I had done this before, and now im trying to avoid it. the problem is that it makes the opening stall, which is REALLY bad.
Nathan Bransford, Literary Agent? I’m a fan. (Even though he doesn’t do nonfiction!)
That’d be the one.
To explain the savage thing, how about this:
The Kenlor are unique in that, for them, fear and pain literally do not exist. They can sustain heavy injuries and still keep going. It isn’t that they don’t notice the injury (that would be bad, and possibly fatal in some cases) but rather that they can completely ignore it when necessary.
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Biology tangent:
The human body has the ability to shut off pain in extreme situations. They have the same ability, but it runs constantly.
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This makes them absolutely ruthless in battle. They ambush, obliterate the enemy, and then vanish. Humans can’t deal with that. Furthermore, Kenlor life and philosophy is directly opposed to humanity’s way of looking at things. Thus they consider the Kenlor savages.
I don’t have a query letter yet obviously (my books aren’t finished), but I’m writing synopses anyway to help me stay on track. I’d like as many opinions on them as possible. Please note that one synopsis is for the book I have been posting to Superhero Nation, and that the other is for the book that I was working on for senior project.
Title:
Son of a Legend: The Sablestone, Volume Zero of the Everstar Saga
The title is an overt reference to the book’s plot. “Son of a Legend” references the main character, an epic hero’s son who is trying to escape his father’s shadow, and “the Sablestone” is a reference to the object of the main character’s quest.
Synopsis:
Conleth is a gruff, roguish man who is universally known as The Son of Aerthir Everstar, a great hero of the bygone age. Conleth dislikes being known only as the son of his father and embarks on many “heroic” ventures in order to make a name for himself. With time, these ventures degrade into no more than mercenary work and tyrant-heckling. Throughout it all, he is accompanied by Imbria, his childhood best friend. The story opens with the two of them completing a mission to dissuade a despotic lord from encroaching on the lands of other nobles. Afterward, they flee the country as outlaws and go to Anassia, where they will be safe.
Anassia’s King Zorren then summons them to a banquet in honor of Conleth and his father. At the banquet, Conleth nearly gets into a brawl with a noble named Lord Adarik, disturbing the banquet. Zorren punishes them by sending them on a perilous quest to find a beneficent talisman called the Sablestone. Conleth and Imbria find themselves at odds with Adarik, who constantly makes a fool of himself. In the city of Pali, the halfway mark of their journey, Conleth is reunited with his fiancée, Queen Shonda. This causes tension with Imbria, who feels that Conleth mistrusted her by not telling her of the engagement and abandons him.
When Conleth arrives at the mountain pass leading to the stone’s location, Conleth is attacked by two demons. After holding his own for a while, he is mysteriously helped by none other than Imbria, who never really left. Once they reach the stone’s resting place, all is revealed. Conleth and Imbria were deceived. Adarik is actually a clever sorcerer in Zorren’s service and the Sablestone is in reality a giant dragon egg which he intends to use in a war against Shonda’s empire. Conleth, Imbria, and some ragtag tribesmen are then engaged in battle against Adarik, his apprentice, Joannavitch, and Zorren’s army. They are assisted at the last moment by Queen Shonda, who suspected such treachery. After defeating Adarik, Conleth and the group marches back to Anassia and ousts King Zorren. As the story ends, Conleth, finally at peace with his father’s legacy, marries Shonda. Just before settling down, he, with help from Imbria, Tafar, Shonda, and a mysterious stranger named Gabriel, organize a fraternity called the Knights Telessar to carry on the legacy of Aerthir Everstar.
Opening (first approx. 150 words):
The heavy wooden doors, engraved with the image of a dragon, swung slowly open on their iron hinges, revealing a lone figure, a man. Immediately the two guards that had been leaning against the door fell to the ground. Dead.
The intruder cleaned and sheathed the twin short swords he carried, one on either side. He was fairly tall, with straight black hair, crystalline blue eyes, and golden-brown skin that rippled over muscle and sinew. His attire was dark and austere. His only accessories were the two short swords, and a rather large one slung across his back and concealed in black cloth. The most curious thing about him was the rough sack he was carrying.
“They just don’t make doorkeepers like they used to,” the man said wryly. He sauntered into the torch-lit, yet perpetually gloomy and shadow-haunted throne room, wherein sat on a black wrought-iron chair the very person he had come to see. “Greetings, Gripgrim, Lord of Thardus,” he called out in a deep, resonant voice. He over-bowed, more in mockery than respect.
Title:
Trial By Fire, Volume One of the Everstar Saga
The title is a double entendre of sorts, referencing to key elements of the book.
1. The main character has fire-related powers.
2. The main character goes through several trying situations and gets into trouble constantly, eventually becoming stronger because of it.
Synopsis:
Alexander, who goes by Alex to most people, is a teenage halfling gifted with the ability to manipulate fire, living in the city of Mora at the story’s outset. In this context, “halfling” means someone who has parents of two different races. In Alex’s case, his father is human while his mother is of the Kenlor, magical woodland tribespeople considered savages by the humans (a la the European viewpoint of the Native Americans). Alex’s status as a halfling incites persecution from his fellow townspeople, who see him as a disgrace to the town and a possible threat, as halflings are stereotyped as having uncontrollable powers as a result of their parentage. However, Alex is indifferent to their animosity and is even proud of his heritage(s). This pride causes tension with his cousin, Karen, who is also a halfling but hides it to avoid persecution. Eventually, their bickering lands them in a situation where they and their family are pursued by a corrupt officer of the Royal Guard who hopes to destroy them. Their flight from the law leads them to seek shelter on a mysterious island with a peacekeeping fraternity called the Knights Telessar. While staying with them at their training Academy, Alex learns more about his heritage(s) as his parents, in concert with the Knights, prepare him to assume his rightful place not only as a part of Kenlor society, but as a king. However, he is not without opposition. In his journey toward power and self-realization, Alex must confront not only prejudice and persecution, but betrayal, romantic tension and rivalry, friends ranging from outright crazy to downright buffoonish, the machinations of a corrupt politician, kidnapping, and torture. Through it all, he learns to think strategically, relate to others, and to use power not out of anger or revenge, but out of a responsibility to protect and defend those placed under his protection.
Opening:
As Alexander, son of Xavier, walked through the crowd of people in the marketplace, someone who didn’t know any better would think he was royalty. The brown-skinned youth strode forward with all the confidence of a general and all the regal bearing of a king. The bags laden with groceries he carried did nothing to detract from his commanding presence. As he went, the crowd parted before him. But they did so not out of respect, but out of fear. Alex might seem human at a first glance, but there were signs otherwise, such as his pointed ears. While Alex was human on his father’s side, his mother was Kenlor, those hardy and enchanted tribespeople that Men considered savages. In the eyes of many, this was a crime beyond all forgiveness. But despite the prejudice he faced daily, Alex refused to hide what he was, and the word shame held no meaning for him. Neither did humility.
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*Please not that while this book is “Volume One” of the Everstar Saga, it is actually the second installment, because the series actually begins with the prequel I sent you in my previous email and which I have dubbed “Volume Zero”. I hope this quirk is not too annoying.
All thoughts, comments, and opinions encouraged!
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My request for feedback still stands. XD
What’s the hook? I think that’s my main question. It looks like a competent Tolkienesque fantasy. But what will separate it from the hundreds of competent Tolkiensque fantasies the publisher’s assistant has already read this year?
To which are you referring? In either case, I’d say what makes these two stories different is the personal dimension. In my humble layman’s opinion, I find that Tolkienesque fantasies are more about Quest from point A to point B and what happens along the way than what happens to, for, and because of the characters and how it affects them. However, even in this, I believe my stories are unique.
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In Son of a Legend, the story is only about the quest on the surface. Underneath I hope to portray Conleth’s complicated relationship with his deceased father whose legacy forever haunts him and how it affects everything he does. I hope to portray his relationships with Imbria, his brother Tafar, and Shonda his fiancee with some degree of complexity and realism as well. The other characters will also have depth. Imbria is fiercely loyal to Conleth, but while he’s tramping around the world trying to live up to his father’s legacy, she wonders how long this is going to continue. She doesnt want to go on traveling with him forever. She has a breaking point. Tafar is going to be the smug, yet sympathetic “lucky younger brother,” who pities his brother’s predicament and tries to convince him to settle down. Shonda will be a tough and competent, yet caring and femininine figure who is not only concerned for the safety of her husband-to-be, but can also organize and lead a military search-and-rescue. Also, in this book I believe that Adarik, not King Zorren, is the true center-villain. He has more “screen time” and his motivations are very complex, causing him to manipulate everyone (the king included) to achieve what he sees as a just end, eventually causing him to degrade into a state of “rabid dog” madness at the end of the novel. These things (I believe) you will not find in most other fantasy novels, and if you do, they aren’t really the centerpiece. In this story, the quest is no more than a vehicle to showcase the characters’ inner workings.
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Trial By Fire also has this personal dimension, but in a slightly different way. What I hope to do with Alex is showcase his dogged determination, sometimes to the point of rebellion. Along with this, he also has a unique hook-factor in that, although he is a persecuted protagonist, he is proud of the feature he is persecuted for (being bi-racial in essence) and even challenges his persecutors with a “bring it on” attitude. He matures and his tactics change a bit throughout the course of the novel, but that “bring the rain” attitude stays constant. I feel this makes him likeable and unique because it causes him to view the world differently than most characters would. Alex has a rigid moral code, but its his code. He always plays by the rules, but they’re his rules. He always sticks to the plan, but it’s his plan. This blend of arrogance, defiance, intelligence,and perseverence combined with a hot temper, sarcasm, and developing leadership skills really put Alex in a category between “hero” and “anti-hero.” Usually in fantasy you get one or the other. Of course, all the characters are just as deep and have their own quirks and backgrounds, but I don’t have time to share them all.
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In summary: I believe that my fresh take on my characters and genre, the personal element infused into the stories, and my unique plotting style, combined with my (dare I say) clever witticism, will make my books stand out.
What do you think?
As for the target audience, I believe that the themes I weave into my books such as complicated relationships with parents, especially fathers, (Son of a Legend) and triumph despite persecution and misunderstanding (Trial By Fire), will really resonate with teens, a large number of which go through problems analogous to these. Usually, with a fantasy hero, you can’t really look at them and say “I’ve gone through something just like that,” and if you can, it usually takes some deep thinking (A Wizard of Earthsea contains messages about maturing and gaining wisdom, but the average teen won’t see them right away). With my books, teens can relate directly.
DISCLAIMER: I am by no means a master author and these are quite ambitious aims. It will take time for me to achieve them. I merely wish to convey what I want my books to do while sounding as humble as possible.
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Behold: above I have listed my goals for my books and what I think makes them unique in their genre.
AT LAST!!! After taking all this time to do planning, being thrown off by camps and such, I may finally be able to post regularly again. I have finished my chapter nine. What I tried to do in this chapter is portray:
1.How Karen’s “leadership” is steering the group off course and the group’s rising tension.
2. Establish a solid motive for Halifax to be chasing them.
3. Resolve what happened to the parents.
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Chapter 9: Completely Clueless
The next morning, the small group awoke expecting to hear their parents giving instructions to break camp, make breakfast, and prepare to continue their journey. But strangely, their voices were absent. Then came the bitter realization: their parents were gone. Zenobia walked a few paces away from the group and began slicing her sword furiously at the air, killing the imaginary soldiers who had taken her parents, aunt, and uncle from her. Michael sat quietly, eyes distant, as if contemplating some great mystery, breaking his reverie only to kill small insects foolish enough to wander close to him. Alex sat near the campfire, using his powers to make shapes out of the flames, honing his skills for the next battle. His concentration was suddenly broken by Chandra, who had started to cry.
“Would you shut up, Chandra!”
“Yes, please!” Michael added. “None of us can think straight with your nonstop weeping!”
“Leave her alone, Michael,” Karen said. “And while you’re at it, both you and your brother can grow hearts to go along with your retarded brains.”
“Hypocrite!” Alex and Michael replied.
Karen rolled her eyes and went back to what she was doing earlier: staring at the horizon. She called herself “planning their next move.” But there was one small problem. She walked back toward the campfire, frustrated.
“Ugh! Does anyone know where we are?”
“Yes,” Alex said. “We’re a day south of Keronau and a day east of the Nuba Bridge. Seriously, can’t you girls read maps?” He waved a piece of parchment in the air. “Or perhaps such a noble purebred human as yourself is far too dignified to do such common tasks.”
“You trying to start something, Alex?”
“I’m just pointing out that if it weren’t for your masquerading, we’d still be at home right now.”
“I think what you mean is, if it weren’t for your arrogance and stupidity, we’d still be at home right now.”
Immediately a tongue of flame from the campfire leaped up toward her. Karen jumped back in surprise and locked eyes with Alex. Energy crackled at her fingertips.
“Guys, this isn’t helping.” Zenobia said, stepping between them. Her sword was still drawn. “Mom, Dad, Uncle Xavier and Aunt Rishi are on their own. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. All that matters now is getting to Olorad.”
“She’s right, Alex.”
“Fine. So what’s your brilliant plan, now that you’ve finally figured out where we are, oh fearless leader?”
Karen tossed her hair back, disregarding Alex’s snide remark. “Well, since Keronau is only a day north of here, I say we head into the city, get some supplies, and then continue to Olorad.”
“I’m against it one hundred percent,” Michael said, jumping up and walking toward them.
“And I’m with Mike,” Alex said, pointing at the northward horizon. “If we take the detour into Keronau we’ll not only lose an entire day of travel, but we’ll also be risking capture in a city crawling with soldiers. I say we stick to the plan and avoid cities.”
“What you missed in your analysis, Alexander, is that the Knights have permission from the king, who lives in Keronau, by the way, to operate in Anassia. The lieutenant said so when we were captured. My bet is that the king has no clue what Halifax is doing. If we are captured, all we have to do is show the king the Knights’ crest and explain everything.”
Alex locked eyes with Karen, fiery scarlet meeting radiant silver. “What you missed in your analysis is that we have no guarantee of seeing the king.”
“Ugh!” Karen tossed her hair in annoyance and began to stomp away. She turned back and said, “You know, it doesn’t matter what you think Alex. I have the crest, I have the Seer mark, I’m the leader, and I say we go!”
The group packed up camp and headed north. On the way, Alex took a shiny golden object on a silver chain out of his pocket. He smiled. “You have the crest, eh? I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” A few minutes later, Karen screamed when she discovered her loss, and Alex basked in the sweet satisfaction of a plot well planned.
***
Captain Halifax was furious. He tramped into his accommodations in the barracks of the Royal Guard’s garrison in Keronau and slammed the door. He did not want to be disturbed. His room was that of a high officer, and therefore comfortable, but Halifax took no notice of anything except a nearby chair, and slumped into it. Yet again, he had been outwitted by the Knights Telessar. The abomination children had escaped without a trace. Frustrating, but not the worst part. The worst part was that during the confusion caused by the explosives and mist, Halifax had somehow managed to lose sixty-seven men to a force of only four. The Knight’s strategy had been brilliant. The two Men had destroyed the bridge, along with the soldiers who had been attempting to cross it, accounting for twenty-five lives. Meanwhile, the Kenlor-women had spooked the horses and then wreaked havoc with their magic among the ranks as they deteriorated. Assisted by the other two, they had accounted for the other casualties while fighting their way out of Halifax’s trap. Of the fifty men he had handpicked for this mission, Halifax had only a pitiful eight remaining. And this time, the king wasn’t going to believe any cover story about desert raiders attacking the borders, or civilian uprisings and riots. It was also becoming increasingly harder to keep his men in check. Somehow, Halifax had to account for these casualties and keep his men from going over his head about the matter, or risk losing not only his job, but his head. And more than that, he needed to settle his vendetta with The Knights. When he was a lad, Halifax had joined the Royal Guard to follow in the steps of his brother, Jaxon. Shortly afterward, because of his exemplary talent and intelligence as both soldier and officer, Jaxon had been invited to join the Knights Telessar. The young Halifax had begged him not to go, but he went. And because he went, he was no longer alive. And he hadn’t even been killed naturally, but as a result of some arcane sorcery.
Curse the Knights and their infernal meddling, Halifax thought. He then said aloud, to no one in particular, “It is my duty to cleanse this kingdom of them all. They’re no more than demons in men’s clothing!” Just then, a knock sounded at the door, interrupting Halifax’s impassioned delivery. “Enter!” he said, his voice rough with irritation.
Captain Klass, Halifax’s new aide, walked into the room and saluted his general smartly. “General Halifax, sir!” he pronounced the title with a hint of scorn in his voice. Klass was quite unlike the dedicated and loyal, if overly cautious, Grader. He was sneering, rebellious, and dissident. Nevertheless, Halifax had picked him as his new aide. The General felt that Klass had two redeeming characteristics. First, he had much more personality and fire than the more conservative Grader did. Second, even if Klass was a bit two-faced, at least he was so openly. Halifax would have no worries about his second-in-command plotting against him behind his back. And right now, that was crucial.
“At ease, Captain. What have you come to report?”
“There is both good news and bad news, sir.”
“What is the bad news?” Halifax said with a sigh.
The captain smiled, taking pleasure in being the bearer of bad news. “The men are uneasy with your command sir. Word of our tragic losses at the hands of the Knights has spread through the ranks like wildfire.”
Halifax clenched his fist. “Now I wonder who was responsible for that?” he said, fixing Klass with a glare.
The captain was positively beaming. I don’t have a clue, sir.”
“Of course not. Now that you’ve had your fun, Captain, tell the men they are not to speak of these things. To anyone. It’s not just my career, and head, at stake here. Understand?”
The captain’s smile quickly faded. He hadn’t thought that he might also be held responsible for the mishap with the Knights. “Yes, sir.”
“Good,” Halifax said. This was one order he was certain Klass would follow. “And the good news?”
Klass sparked to life, putting on smile that easily outshone the previous one. “We have them, sir.”
“Have whom?”
“The Knights’ five children. They are in the city now.”
Halifax’s eyebrows shot up. “What? You’re sure of this?”
“Positive, sir.”
“Excellent. Get thirty men ready immediately, we will capture them now.”
“Thirty men, Halifax? Isn’t that a bit much?”
Halifax noted that Klass had neglected to address him by his title and shot him another steely glare. “General Halifax. And my orders are to be obeyed, not questioned. We have underestimated the Knights to disastrous results. We must not do so again.”
“Yes, sir.” There was that sneer again.
“And Klass?”
“Sir?”
“Under no circumstances are those children to reach the king’s palace. If our cover story deteriorates, it will be the end for both of us. As it stands, the only way out for us is to ‘prove’ this Knights Telessar conspiracy. Understand?”
“Completely, General.”
“Excellent. Dismissed!”
Emd of Chapter 9
———————————
Comments?
Just a friendly neighborhood remind-a-post! Please see the series of posts above.
Thoughts, questions, opinions, or comments on chapter nine?
I must be on the waiting list.*shrug* Thats cool. I’ll consider it a “patience exercise.”
*reminder*
Maybe I missed a memo. Have you been extremely busy lately? Well, whenever you get a chance, see above.
In terms of readership, I’m about 50% more busy than I was three months ago, and ridiculously more busy than I was a year ago.
It might help if you commented on other people’s review forums in the interim. Following a story up to chapter 9 takes a lot of commitment and I think that people would be more likely to go that far if they felt you had been very generous with them.
…
Here are some thoughts and suggestions regarding chapter nine.
–I feel the title is too chatty and probably too modern.
–”Then came the bitter realization: their parents were gone.” This should probably be shown rather than told. I’d recommend dialogue.
–I don’t remember who these side-characters are (Chandra and Michael). I’m a big fan of character triangles (three characters that each perform a distinct function), but neither one of these side-characters has solid chemistry with Alex and Karen. Ditto Zenobia. There are a lot of extras in this scene. Umm, I guess a good reason to have a younger sibling in this scene could be to have someone for Alex and Karen to fight over, but I don’t feel that they’ve been well-used for that. Nor do I think that having so many minor characters is necessary.
–Who’s Zenobia?
–I don’t feel like Karen’s pretentious voice is quite consistent. She’s the one that says “You trying to start something,” right?
–I’d recommend tagging your lines. Who’s the speaker for “She’s right, Alex”? With at least three characters in the scene that aren’t Karen or Alex, there are several candidates.
–I’d recommend putting in more body language, and tying it more closely to what’s going on in the dialogue. For example… “I’m against it one hundred percent,” Michael said, jumping up and walking toward them. Hmm… what does Michael’s jumping up and walking toward them have to do with what he just said? It seems like one of those logistical details that readers could probably just imagine on their own?
“Alex locked eyes with Karen, fiery scarlet meeting radiant silver.” This strikes me as overwrought. My personal feeling is that eyes are rarely as interesting to readers as they are to the author.
I like that Alex stole the crest. Haha.
The first paragraph with Halifax is exceedingly long, 350 words. Please split it up into 3-5 paragraphs.
“His room was that of a high officer, and therefore comfortable, but Halifax took no notice of anything except a nearby chair, and slumped into it.” I’d recommend showing these details and shortening. “The officer slumped into a [detail to show the chair is nice] chair.” I wouldn’t recommend telling us that he doesn’t notice the other stuff in the room.
Some recounting of what happened on the bridge is ok, but I think that we get a bit too much here. Also, I would recommend having him tone down his glowing praise for the Knights’ strategy a bit.
I think it’s interesting that the men are getting unruly and that he’s worried about keeping his job and his head. But I don’t think that the story so far has really exploited those elements. Part of the problem is that the character is alone and the narrator is filling the silence with a lot of exposition (an infodump). It might help to move this scene to the general trying to inspire the remaining troops instead.
I think the memory of Jaxon could be brought in more smoothly. Again, I think that this should probably be moved into dialogue.
“30 men. Isn’t that a bit much?” This doesn’t feel consistent with the mood, I think. They just lost ~50 men on the bridge– I doubt anyone would complain about overkill at this point. If it’s really important for Klass to complain here, I’d recommend having him complain about sending too few men. But, of course, the General has to be careful about sending too many because his reserves are dwindling and the men might mutiny…
“It might help if you commented on other people’s review forums in the interim.”
I’d love your review of Showtime thus far, Brett ol’ boy.
Ok, so I read chaper nine and I thinks it pretty good. Although, I definitely feel that Halifax’s scene stole the chapter. I like Halifax’s characterization. I’d definitely recommend that you pump up the roles of the younger siblings. It’s too late to remove them (and I wouldn’t want you to, anyway) so at least make them interesting. Michael’s got a little personality, but Zenobia and Chandra are pretty dry. Zenobia is Karen’s younger sister, right?
Other than that I’d say just go along with B. Mac’s comments.
On a side note, I’d like to say that I’m enjoying reading and reviewing your work. Keep up the awesome work, bro!
Points well taken. I’ll make some changes. And I’m getting back into the swing of things now, trying to circulate more.
@ RB: Tell me where to start. It looks a bit muddled at a glance.
“Tell me where to start. It looks a bit muddled at a glance.”
Oh. That’s where things get a little sticky. I’ll have to send B. Mac the complete, fully edited first issue script. And that could take a while seeing as I’m without internet. I guess you could wait. Alternatively, if you’re in the mood for an adventure you could rummage through my forum for pieces of semi-completed work. I understand that that doesn’t sound very appetizing, but its always there. You can comment on anything you’d like.
Peace!
The chapter has now been retooled a bit. I made the changes you suggested and renamed it. As it stands, Im going to go with either:
-Abandoned and Alone (emphasizes Alex and company’s half)
OR
-In Trouble (Which applies to both halves)
What do you think?
———————
I also gave special attention to giving the siblings more personality in ways that are subtle enough not to be intrusive (especially for Chandra and Zenobia), and by giving them (Mike in particular) more to say. My basic characterization for the siblings is as follows:
-Mike: He is the scholar, philosopher, and contemplative intellectual. Only a hint of Spockism, not much. He’s “cooler” in temperament than Alex, but still sides with him on most occasions.
-Chandra: she’s emotional and timid as opposed to her mouthy older sister, who is somewhat protective of her. He emotionalism annoys Alex and Mike, who think she needs to toughen up and that she’s illogical, respectively. She will side with Karen on most occasions.
-Zenobia: She’s the little rebel who’s just plain fed up with the fighting and wants no part of it. She sides based on who’s actually right at the time, not based on sibling politics
One other important note: I changed a couple names. Mike is now Seth and Karen is now Kiana.
—————————————-
Chapter 9: Abandoned and Alone
The next morning, the small group awoke expecting to hear their parents giving instructions to break camp, make breakfast, and prepare to continue their journey. But strangely, their voices were absent. Zenobia, the youngest, walked a few paces away from the group and began slashing her sword at the air, killing the imaginary soldiers who had taken her parents, aunt, and uncle from her. Seth sat quietly, eyes distant, as if contemplating some great mystery, breaking his reverie only to kill small insects foolish enough to wander close to him. Alex sat near the campfire, using his powers to make shapes out of the flames, honing his skills for the next battle. His concentration was broken by Chandra, who had started to cry.
“Would you shut up, Chandra!”
“Yes, please!” Seth added. “None of us can think straight with your nonstop weeping.”
“Leave her alone, Seth,” Kiana said. “And while you’re at it, both you and your brother can grow hearts to go along with your retarded brains.”
“Hypocrite.” Alex and Seth replied.
Kiana rolled her eyes and went back to what she was doing earlier: staring at the horizon. She called herself “planning their next move.” But there was one small problem. She walked back toward the campfire, frustrated.
“Ugh! Does anyone know where we are?”
“Yes,” Alex said. “We’re thirty miles south of Keronau and sixty miles east of the Nuba Bridge. Seriously, can’t you girls read maps?” He waved a piece of parchment in the air. “Or perhaps such a noble purebred human as yourself is far too dignified to do such common tasks.”
“What’s your issue, Alex?”
“I’m just pointing out that if it weren’t for your masquerading, we’d still be at home right now.”
“I think what you mean is, if it weren’t for your arrogance and stupidity, we’d still be at home right now.”
A tongue of flame from the campfire leaped up toward her. Kiana jumped back in surprise and locked eyes with Alex. Energy crackled at her fingertips.
“Guys, this isn’t helping.” Zenobia said, stepping between them. Her sword was still drawn. “Mom, Dad, Uncle Xavier and Aunt Rishi are on their own. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. All that matters now is getting to Olorad.”
“She’s right, Alex,” Kiana said, crossing her arms and cocking her head to the side.
“Fine. So what’s your brilliant plan, now that you’ve finally figured out where we are, oh fearless leader?”
Kiana tossed her hair back, disregarding Alex’s snide remark. “Well, since Keronau is only a day north of here, I say we head into the city, get some supplies, and then continue to Olorad.”
“Undeniably bad move. I’m against it one hundred percent,” Seth said, shaking his head.
“And I’m with Seth,” Alex said, pointing at the northward horizon. “If we take the detour into Keronau we’ll not only lose an entire day of travel, but we’ll also be risking capture in a city crawling with soldiers.”
“I agree with you, Kiana,” Chandra spoke up. “I’m kinda tired of pack food,” she murmured, wiping her eyes.
“Chandra,” Alex said, fixing her with a harsh stare, “we have stick to the plan. Dad told us to avoid cities for a reason. And–”
At this point, Zenobia sensed yet another argument and threw her hands up in resignation. “Once you guys stop arguing, I’ll be over here if you need me.”
No one heard her, and the word war continued. “Our parents are gone,” Kiana said. “And they put me in charge.”
“Ancient Kenlor proverb,” Seth said. ‘In the hands of the inconsiderate, power is tyranny.’”
“And what is that supposed to mean?” Kiana asked.
“It mean’s you’re an egocentric shrew. Plain enough, simpleton?”
Alex laughed at Seth’s comment.
“Spitting out proverbs for every situation doesn’t make you a wise man, Seth,” Kiana retorted.
“And being in charge doesn’t make you a leader, Kiana,” Seth shot back.
“And what is that supposed to mean? Ugh, forget it. Besides, what you and your brother missed in your analysis is that the Knights have permission from the king, who lives in Keronau, by the way, to operate in Anassia. The lieutenant said so when we were captured. My bet is that the king has no clue what Halifax is doing. If we are captured, all we have to do is show the king the Knights’ crest and explain everything.”
“What you missed in your analysis is that we have no guarantee of seeing the king,” Alex said.
“Hmph!” Kiana tossed her hair in annoyance and began to stomp away. She turned back and said, “You know, it doesn’t matter what you think Alex. I have the crest, I have the Seer mark, I’m the leader, and I say we go!”
The group packed up camp and headed north. On the way, Alex took a shiny golden object on a silver chain out of his pocket. He smiled. “You have the crest, eh? I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” A few minutes later, Kiana screamed when she discovered her loss, and Alex basked in the sweet satisfaction of a plot well planned.
Captain Halifax was furious. He tramped into his accommodations in the barracks of the Royal Guard’s Keronau garrison and slammed the door. He did not want to be disturbed. He slumped into a nearby chair, made high quality leather with the Anassite coat of arms embossed on it in gold.
Yet again, he had been outwitted by the Knights Telessar. The abomination children had escaped without a trace. Frustrating, but not the worst part. The worst part was that during the confusion caused by the explosives and mist, Halifax had somehow managed to lose sixty-seven men to a force of only four. And as much as he hated to admit it, the Knight’s strategy had been good. Despicably good. Of the fifty men he had handpicked for this mission, Halifax had only a pitiful eight remaining. And this time, the king wasn’t going to believe any cover story about desert raiders attacking the borders, or civilian uprisings and riots.
Just then, a knock sounded at the door, interrupting Halifax’s impassioned delivery. “Enter.” he said, his voice rough with irritation.
Captain Klass, Halifax’s new aide, walked into the room and gave his general a smart salute. “General Halifax, sir.” he pronounced the title with a hint of scorn in his voice. Klass was quite unlike the dedicated and loyal, if over-cautious, Grader. He was sneering, rebellious, and dissident. Nevertheless, Halifax had picked him as his new aide. The general felt that Klass had two redeeming characteristics. First, he had much more personality and fire than the more conservative Grader did. Second, even if Klass was a bit two-faced, at least he was so openly. Halifax would have no worries about his second-in-command plotting against him behind his back. And right now, that was crucial.
“At ease, Captain. Sit down.”
The captain did as ordered, but was a bit jumpy, as if he had something he couldn’t wait to get out.
“Klass, have I ever told you about my brother, Jaxon?”
Klass put on an annoyed expression. “No, sir.”
“Ah,” Halifax said with a wistful expression. “Well, when I was a lad, I joined the Royal Guard to follow in his steps. Not long afterward, because of his exemplary talent and as both soldier and officer, Jaxon was invited to join the Knights Telessar. I begged him not to go, but he went. It’s because he went, that he is no longer alive.”
Klass rolled his eyes. He could care less about the General’s life story.
“And he didn’t even die a soldier’s death, but an unnatural demise at the hands of some arcane witchery. Curse the Knights and their infernal meddling,” Halifax continued. “It is my duty to cleanse this kingdom of them all. Demons in men’s clothing that they are. But anyway, what did you come to report?”
Klass heaved a sigh of relief. Finally. “There is both good news and bad news, sir.”
“What is the bad news?” Halifax said with a sigh.
The captain smiled, taking pleasure in being the bearer of bad news. “The men are uneasy with your command sir. Word of our tragic losses at the hands of the Knights has spread through the ranks like wildfire.”
Halifax clenched his fist. “Now I wonder who was responsible for that?” he said, fixing Klass with a glare.
The captain was positively beaming. I don’t have a clue, sir.”
“Of course not. Now that you’ve had your fun, Captain, tell the men they are not to speak of these things. To anyone. It’s getting hard enough to keep the men in check as it is. And make not mistake, it isn’t just my career, and head, at stake here. Understand?”
The captain’s smile faded. He hadn’t thought that he might also be held responsible for the mishap with the Knights. “Yes, sir.”
“Good,” Halifax said. This was one order he was certain Klass would follow. “And the good news?”
Klass sparked to life, putting on smile that outshone the previous one. “We have them in our sights, sir.”
“Have whom?”
“The Knights’ five children. They are in the city now.”
Halifax’s eyebrows shot up. “What? You’re sure of this?”
“Positive, sir.”
“Well, what are you waiting for, imbecile? Get thirty men ready immediately, we will capture them now.”
“Thirty men, Halifax? Isn’t that a bit much? We just lost over three scores to the Knights and now you want to send another score and a half? The soldiers will assume you’re sending even more of them out to be slaughtered. One of them might even be tempted to report you. To the king.”
Halifax noted that Klass had neglected to address him by his title and shot him another steely glare. “General Halifax. And my orders are to be obeyed, not questioned. We have underestimated the Knights to disastrous results. We must not do so again.”
“Yes, sir.” There was that sneer again.
“And Klass?”
“Sir?”
“Under no circumstances are those children to reach the king’s palace. If our cover story deteriorates, it will be the end for both of us. As it stands, the only way out for us is to ‘prove’ this Knights Telessar conspiracy. Understand?”
“Completely, General.”
“Excellent. Dismissed!”
Outside the door, Klass said loud enough for Halifax to hear, “Hmph! Mad as a March hare.”
A few quick notes:
1. Chapter nine revision is up there whenever somebody has time.
2. I just had a writing streak and finished chapters 10-12! YEAH! I will post them as soon as the Chapter 9 revisions are looked over, or maybe before.
3. I’m going to review J.M.’s post in the contest thread as soon as I get back from dinner.
Brett, out!
Uh, you said you e-mailed a PREQUEL to who…b.mac? Can I get one too?
As soon as you answer, I’ll give you my email. Back to my story…
Wow. Reading this stuff now makes me cringe.
Welcome back, Brett!
Don’t beat yourself up over the drafts you were producing 3+ years ago. First, everybody gets better with practice. Second, pretty much every chapter written before the completion of the manuscript’s first draft will suck. It takes a lot of rewriting to polish chapters to the point of publishability, so I wouldn’t judge your drafts too hard.
I feel Tiffany Reisz’s take on this is very productive. “I don’t stress about the first draft, just throwing it down, anymore than I stress about buying groceries. I might stress over the cooking, but not buying the ingredients.”
Ahh, thanks B. Mac, and good points! Btw, I answered some questions over on the “Secret Origins” article. If you don’t mind I’d like you to look over them. There seemed to be some questions about what qualifies as a secret origin, and it might be good to make some adjustments to the article to address similar questions that might crop up in the future.
In general, secrets (origins and otherwise) that are unnecessarily confusing, don’t add much intrigue, rely on contrivance, and/or result in continuity errors are more likely to detract from the story than add to it. If a secret avoids those problems (especially the ratio of confusion to intrigue), I’m pretty confident it’ll work out well. If not, I’d recommend either fixing the problems or removing the secret.
I think those are the main costs of secrets. But what are the benefits? In my brief experience reading manuscripts, I think it’s frustratingly rare for secret origins to add anything significant.
In a published example, I think revealing that Leia was Luke’s sister didn’t cause any significant confusion, but what did it add? The only rationale I can see for putting it in is that it allowed the writers to switch from the incipient Leia-Luke romance to Leia-Han without creating bad blood between Luke and the others. I don’t think that the shift from Leia-Luke to Leia-Han significantly affected the plot, though. It would probably have been easier and less contrived to just go with Leia-Han from the beginning and cut the secret sibling angle.
Brett, you didn’t give up on this story, didja?