This site provides writing advice. If you're writing a superhero novel or comic book, please also read our superhero writing articles.

Would you like to subscribe to our RSS feed?

This Thanksgiving scene is dedicated to a certain police show renowned for its perversely ghoulish characters. And Razorback and other heroes/villains that base their identity on laughably ridiculous animals. (My pig-sense is tingling!)

OSI Caselog 8633: Murder of Max “WARTHOG” Slanty

Relevant background: Warthog was wanted for armed robbery, grand larceny, attempted murder, felony assault and battery and twelve other aggravated crimes committed across New York. He wore a mask, establishing federal jurisdiction pursuant to KKK Act.
Two weeks ago, an unknown terrorist group posted a video of Warthog bound and gagged via Al Jazeera. Relation and motive were then unknown. No Warthog–jihad or Warthog–Mid East or other relevant political/religious connections were then known.

OSI analysis of video led to an investigation into the Greenwood neighborhood. Search by smell identified 1020 Ruedale Avenue as a house of interest. Captain CARNAGE, Agent BLACK, Agent ORANGE dispatched: three PM, last Monday.

ON-SCENE INVESTIGATION

CARNAGE: The front door’s been picked.

ORANGE: The door’s clean.

CARNAGE: People inside?

ORANGE: Possibly. Strong iron residues. Probably not explosives. I suspect… I suspect… never mind.

CARNAGE: Black, you aim right. I’ll take left. On three. One, two, three.

CARNAGE: Clear!

BLACK: Clear!

ORANGE: Carnage, wait. Wait. What do you make of that flag?

CARNAGE: Looks similar to Hezbollah’s with some elements of the Saudi flag. The background is green, maybe it’s an offshoot organization. Definitely the same one as in the video…

ORANGE: Black, could you come here a second? … closer.

ORANGE: (Could you distract Carnage?)

BLACK: (What?)

ORANGE: (Keep him from going downstairs. You too. I’m going down alone– I suspect the situation warrants a nonhuman).

BLACK: (Your call). Hey, Captain. What does the Arabic on the flag say?

CARNAGE: Death to the infidel pigs, soilers of the Proph…

…

ORANGE proceeds downstairs.

(Horrific stench of blood. Scent of one American human in basement–cologne, donut and coffee– and Warthog’s corpse, likely. Much blood).

ORANGE turns around corner.

ORANGE: Hands up. On your head. Now!

ORANGE: Who are you? What the hell are you doing here?

???: John Mershire. I’m with New York Crime Scene Investigations.

ORANGE: … where is your badge? No! Hands back on your head. Tell me where your badge is.

CSI: Right pocket. I can reach…

ORANGE: No. I will. (Badge number subsequently verified– Logistics). Why did you come here?

CSI: There was a sound complaint.

ORANGE: … where have the other police officers gone?

CSI: There haven’t been any other cops yet.

ORANGE: You didn’t call for backup!?

CSI: *he flashes his gun holster.* CSI isn’t helpless, you know.

ORANGE: (I believe that the assessment that he wasn’t really a CSI officer was reasonable at this point; this is too egregious a violation of what I could only imagine to be correct municipal procedure that his story seemed suspect– Orange). You saw the flag. This is obviously a terrorism investigation scene. Did you take any procedures to ensure that the scene was clear of explosives and suspects?

CSI: Relax. This seemed like a cut-and-dry suicide case… and besides, I’ve handled suspects before.

ORANGE: You’re CSI!

CSI: Damn straight.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: What have you seen here?

CSI: Well, so I thought it was a suicide, right? Here, follow me.

ORANGE: I’m concerned that walking into that room would scar your mind. It smells unpleasant.

CSI: Relax.
ORANGE: (Your sanity, buddy).

CSI: So, the first thing I noticed about the scene was the body, obviously. One of the details CSI personnel are trained to look for is the position of the head relative to the body. Specifically, in this case the head appears to have been severed from the torso and stuffed with an apple on what looks to be a banquet table.

ORANGE: …

CSI: That was my first indication that it wasn’t a suicide.

ORANGE: …

CSI: Then I noticed that the wall was soaked with his blood, and blood doesn’t normally spray five to six feet from a body. The lightings kind of bad here, but Luminol showed that his blood had been used to scrawl some sort of message. That also suggested that he was killed by someone else.

ORANGE: …

CSI: I also notice that the body has been sliced open and stuffed with, uhh, maybe bread and raisins. Almonds too, I think. Which sucks. It reminds me of the Thanksgiving feast I could be having right now.

ORANGE: …

CSI: Speaking of dead pigs, we’re having a honey-roasted ham tonight. But that got me thinking: if a police officer eats ham, is that cannibalism?

ORANGE: …

CSI: See, a police officer is a “pig” and a ham is also pig.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Trackback URI | Comments RSS