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Chapter 5: The Human Resources Promise

Two weeks later

The following conversation took place in the office of Agent Orange, the Office of Special Investigation’s Deputy Director for Human Resources.  

Participants include ORANGE and Gary SMITH, Agent-in-Training.

START TRANSCRIPT.

SMITH: Hello, sir. You asked to see me.

ORANGE: I no longer direct the Surf City branch.

SMITH: Promoted, right? Your new office sure beats the basement. Damn large, sir.

ORANGE: It’s bright.

SMITH: Yeah. Great view. That’s Elysian Field down there. I’d kill to have this office, sir.

ORANGE: It’s bright.

SMITH: Well, uhh. Maybe it would be possible to keep your old office…

ORANGE: It isn’t.

SMITH: …or put up blinds or an entirely new wall?

ORANGE: I like your thinking. The construction crew’s scheduled for one.[OJ, did you get that cleared with Legal?--Logistics].

SMITH: Will the crew also handle mildew prevention?

ORANGE: What?

SMITH: The room feels, uhh, very damp.

ORANGE: I set up six humidifiers behind my desk. Can’t you hear that infernal buzzing? It sounds like a Vietnamese gnat-storm.

SMITH: Well, wet rooms sometimes get mildew. For humans, the smell is usually just unpleasant, but, uhh…

ORANGE: Oh.

SMITH: Do alligators smell very well?

ORANGE: REDACTED (pursuant to Operational Security Code, clause D: Agent Capabilities/Demographics– RETCON)

SMITH: Humans don’t usually molt, sir. It would be a cause for concern.

ORANGE: REDACTED.

SMITH: [My training has been going] well, thank you.

ORANGE: My first chore at Human Resources is to fill the vacancy my “promotion” left at the head of the Surf City branch. Agent Flux, naturally… then he had to be replaced, and then his replacement had to be replaced… all the way down to a vacancy at “Field Agent, Third Class, New York Branch.” Would that position interest you, Agent Smith?

SMITH: Yes, sir.

ORANGE: … Your eyes flared. Are you dissatisfied?

SMITH: No, sir, but I’d like to suggest that it might be preferable to…

ORANGE: Verbal delicacy isn’t in your job description.

SMITH: “Agent Smith” won’t work.

ORANGE: Unsurprising. No one is ever satisfied with normal names…[Damn straight. No criminal will ever lie awake, terrified that Agent Lovejoy is about to burst through the ceiling-- CPT CARNAGE].

ORANGE: “Agent Black” is currently open but that title has always been regarded as unlucky.

BLACK: I’ll survive.

ORANGE: Brave man. It’s always a Black that’s the first to die. The first possessor died after a frog leaped into his weapon, causing a misfire. We retired the name after a chance meteor shower removed his successor. Well, then… a last formality, several competency questions. The one-year survival rate of OSI field agents, third class is…

BLACK: Sixty-one percent.

ORANGE: How many survive two years?

BLACK: Fifty-five percent.

ORANGE: Right again. Why do you think that so many more agents die in their first year than their second?

BLACK: The agents that survived the first year are more experienced and generally more careful and situationally aware than the KIAs.

ORANGE: …

BLACK: If you don’t mind me asking, sir, what’s the correct answer?

ORANGE: I don’t know. I’ve reviewed a lot of the first year death reports. It couldn’t be that they’re all sloppy beginner mistakes, could it? I think… I think that the trust and faith of the people influence who survive.

BLACK: Pardon?

ORANGE: The survival of a given agent correlates strongly with his standing with the American people. If that means anything… then Americans are either just naturally inclined to trust agents that are likely to survive… or the trust has some sort of incomprehensible influence on chance events.

BLACK: I’ll stick with the experience and Darwin factors, sir. (Mammals–HR).

ORANGE: When Freakshow is melting your neural synapses together, let me know how much inspiration and comfort Darwin gives you.

BLACK: I will try to remember to do that, sir. (Wiseass–HR).

ORANGE: Repeating a point from before. Thirty-eight percent of field agents fail to survive the first year. It would be safer to shoot yourself in the chest and retire. What do you think about that?

BLACK: I didn’t go Special Investigations to maximize my lifespan, sir. You’ve either got it or you don’t.

ORANGE: …

ORANGE: And what is it you have, exactly?

BLACK: When the chips are down, if protecting the innocent will get me killed, then I’m ready to die, sir.

ORANGE: I notice your police records didn’t include any lethal force reports. What do you think about killing someone?

BLACK: Killing a criminal? I could do that.

ORANGE: You sounded a lot more enthusiastic when Georgia Tech beat my Gators.

BLACK: Well, sir, the Georgia Tech win was unexpected. They were ready to go. And, if you’re not ready to go, you shouldn’t wear the uniform. I wonder how a certain Gators fan would describe what happened to Florida… their mammalian instincts got the best of them? (Mammals—HR).

ORANGE: Your Georgia Tech sympathies have not gone unnoted… speaking of wildly incompetent teams, have you had much experience with the Social Justice League? They’re very active in New York.

BLACK: No, sir.

ORANGE: Please describe the standing rules of engagement with the League.

BLACK: “Do not initiate hostilities unless the Leaguer has killed a civilian, government employee or possibly a criminal in the course of his vigilanteeism. Other pursuable offenses may include a failure to compensate civilians and the government for property damages or undue violations of the rights of civilians, criminals and otherwise. The mask of a Leaguer is not to be removed or violated without a warrant for his arrest.”

ORANGE: Identifying Leaguers is obviously a critical aspect to deterring them from violating the ground-rules we’ve laid out. Please describe the demographic characteristics we had used to profile Leaguers before 1982.

BLACK: Unusual medical history, particularly a lot of wounds but very few illnesses. Chronically tardy or absent. Works in journalism or another field with little direct supervision and relatively few office hours. Overwhelmingly New Yorkers, but a few West Coasters, virtually no Southerners or Midwesterners.

ORANGE: How have our profiling methods changed after the New York Times revealed those generally professional characteristics of the vigilante-in-hiding?

BLACK: There are some ideological tendencies. Generally much more socialist than the country as a whole, but it’s frequently hard to distinguish them from New York City on that basis. Compared to other New Yorkers, they’re more likely to perceive themselves as the victims of persecution, particularly on race, gender or species/mutantness. Compared to other New Yorkers, they’re somewhat more likely to be secular, discomforted by patriotic appeals, educated in the humanities…

ORANGE: All of your answers are found in our training guides… they are not wrong, but we’ve only printed out what we could tolerate the New York Times exposing. Ideology is not a particularly useful basis for indication. Anyone can pretend to be a full-blooded capitalist. But there are certain traits associated with the “superhero” lifestyle that couldn’t be so easily hidden. What do you think that we haven’t told you so far?

BLACK: Hmm. Relationship problems? Those would probably stem from time constraints and a desire to prevent their lovers from getting kidnapped or killed…

ORANGE: Go on.

BLACK: …romantic involvement could lead to ex-girlfriends that know too much. They’re treasure troves of information in regular cases. And, of course, a girlfriend that knows will probably tell someone, especially under torture.

ORANGE: Additionally, only ten Americans alive have been kidnapped twice or more. We’ve got files on all of them.

BLACK: …

ORANGE: A few final notes to improve your odds of survival. Your field supervisor will hopefully elaborate. First, do not ever step within five feet of a New York sewer grate unless you have mastered melee combat or wish to die painfully. Second, carry heavy weaponry with you. Always. Third– this is the most important. It doesn’t matter who says it—a heroin addict in Central Park, a fortune teller on the subway or The New York Times—if anyone THINKS he’s seen the Jersey Devil, run—don’t walk—to a phone and call STRATCOM. With any luck, you’ll survive long enough to put the “man” in “Manhattan.”

BLACK: I like that, sir. It would make a nice tagline.

ORANGE: Unlikely. Twenty minutes later, the League will start saying that you really put the “man” in “maniac.” The press will seize on any reason to repeat that as much as possible.

BLACK: The Manhattan Maniac. “Too suicidal to kill…” Hah. That will definitely deter criminals.

ORANGE: Let me know how that works out for you.

END TRANSCRIPT

The story continues! You can read chapter 6, Stockbroker to the Slaughter, here.

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