Next, it’s painfully obvious that I need to brush up on my grammar, where dialogue is concerned.

Frost is the nickname Jake uses. Should I have made it a bit more obvious?

I think I might have neglected to describe their powers properly, because later on (but before I wrote this scene) I went into great deal of description of them and their powers. Obviously this is bad writing, so maybe I should go back and rewrite this.

It seems that you write better lines for Jake than I do. Maybe I was just rushing it out. I do remember that I started out with even worse lines for him, though.

Definitely need to work on the combat scene between them and the mooks.

I guess the redundant line in my head was Razer saying it as though he has trouble believing it. “Two superpowered mutants, and they decide to face off against the police? Aren’t they supposed to be smarter than that?” (Actually, maybe I should use this line?)

It took a lot of thought and effort for me to write the scene with the green white coat. Glad to know it wasn’t wasted.

Yeah, cutting down dialogue would probably help.

For the ending dialogue, how about:
Jake stopped to consider it. “Thanks for the heads up,” he said, before turning away.

“Zero effort, you said!” Jake shouted, crouching behind the twisted metal piping.
Razer shrugged. “How was I supposed to know this was a White Coat hideout?” he called back.
By checking beforehand Jake thought angrily, watching as a Lab Rat (the name that the White Coat minions gave themselves) snuck up on Razer with a flamethrower. It didn’t end well for the minion.
“Die, Freaxter!” A cocky Lab Rat shouted, having snuck up on Jake. He fired a shot off from his gun, only for Jake to switch on his ice armour and deflect it, then grab the idiot by the throat.
“Please, I’m a mutant.” Jake said, draining the heat from the unlucky man, before dropping him on the floor, shivering.
Razer pulled out his lighter, and tossed out a few fireballs for cover. “Still, at least it won’t be dull.”
If Razer hadn’t been out of reach, Jake would have quite happily strangled him.

The White Coats hadn’t made any real progress when one of their lieutenants burst through the door, and shouted “Forget this lot! We’ve got bigger problems out front!”
The minions turned and ran for the door, soon leaving Jake and Razer alone.
“Are they… ignoring us?” Razer asked.
There was a sizzling sound behind them, and they both turned. There was another white coat, at least in name. His lab coat was actually a sickly dark green colour, which was the least notable about him. More pressing was the fact his eyes were glowing bright green, and where he stepped, he left acrid, smouldering footsteps.
“I don’t think we’re that lucky.” Jake said, readying his ice sword.
Razer snapped open his lighter, and created a scimitar from the fire. “He doesn’t look that tough.”

He ran up, and made several quick swipes with his scimitar. The man made no effort to avoid them, just flinching when they sliced through his limbs. Soon, he was nothing more than a pile of dismembered body parts on the floor.
“Looks like he got burned.” Razer said, turning back to face Jake.
Jake simply face palmed in reply. “Razer? Look behind you.”
The man’s body had turned into some sort of nasty green ooze… that was still moving. “Freaxter Hell!” Razer swore, backing away from it and unleashing a lighter based flamethrower on it. It rose up into a man shape, before returning to his normal appearance. Human, or at least looking like it, considering that his lab coat was now a charred black, but the fire was doing absolutely nothing. The man tensed his fist, and it rocketed out, like a huge sludge ball. It seared a hole through the wall just behind Razer, who hastily backed off, drawing back the flames.
“Well, fire certainly isn’t working. Think you can ice him?”
Jake considered it. “Maybe… or I could end up with my hands melted off.”
“Well, we wouldn’t want that…” Razer mused. “I think I know how to take him down, but you’ll need to distract him.”

“Why am I the… distraction…” Jake began to ask, only to see Razer was already gone.
“Fine. I’ll be the distraction.” He grumbled, striding up to the White Coat.
The man lashed out, but Jake ducked underneath his arms and slashed at his knees. The man collapsed, his legs going outwards, but he tried to get another strike in. Jake jumped over this one, and stabbed straight down with his ice sword, into the man’s back. He left it there for a moment, before drawing it out again… which had been melted down to the hilt.
“Now that ain’t good.” Jake said to himself, backing off from the man as he got back up. Jake froze and snapped a pipe off the wall, and swung it at the man… who caught it. The pipe quickly corroded away into dust. The man wound back his fist for a big punch- and gave a quick uppercut with his other hand. He fell to the ground in a sludgy mess, darted around behind Jake, and gave a powerful vault kick from behind. He finished it with a roundhouse punch, that sent Jake reeling backward.

“You hit like a girl.” Jake said, after getting back up again.
The man look infuriated. “Why, you imbecilic, impetuous, insignificant simpleton!” he raged. “Do you know the amount of knowledge and expertise is required to achieve these kinds of metahuman abilities in non-mutated genetic structure? Can you even comprehend what sort intellect is required to gift oneself with the ability…”
Oh, please, no… Jake thought to himself. Someone shut this guy up!

The walkway hanging above crashed down on the man, knocking him out. Well, I did ask… Jake thought, looking up. Razer stood by the edge of the dismantled walkway.
“I don’t see the point to long conversations. I can leave peopled crushed with just one-”
“FREEZE!”
Jake paused. Just who could be stupid enough to say that to me? He thought, as he turned around slowly. He didn’t like his answer.

She was wearing a police uniform that looked one size too big for her. Her hair was dark brown, and her hands were shaking as they held the gun towards Jake. When she spoke, it was in broken, harsh tones.
“You are under arrest, in accordance to the Pangaean law of superhuman abilities. Stand down now or I will shoot.”
“Is that really necessary?” Jake asked coldly.
“There are rules in this world. Rules everyone has to follow. And if you-”
“IF I followed them” Jake cut in “then I’d be lying dead on the shores of the Doomsday Isles or some other war zone.”
“You’re exaggerating” She insisted. “You do your military service, just like every other mutant and freaxter, and then-”
“Did you ever stop to think that there’s no justification for this?” Jake asked.
Her gaze hardened, and her hands stopped shaking. “When I look around this room, I see all the justification I need.”

A single fireball streaked across the room. It sliced open a nearby chemical tank, and the girl only had time to look shocked, before it exploded in a wave of icy cold chemicals.
“No!” Jake shouted leaping towards her. She lay on the ground, shivering, unresponsive to his touch.
I can’t feel anything. It’s like her body heat is drained away.
“Frost! Move it or lose it!” Razer called, running for the exit.
“Razer…” Jake growled. The doors behind him swung open, and he instinctively brought up his ice armour, before running. Bullets ricocheted off his back, as he ran for the exit.
“We’ve got an officer down! It’s… oh no.”
Jake didn’t make it to the door in time to avoid hearing the cry that was part scream of rage, part wail of despair.

Jake stomped over to Razer, and tried to cleave him in half. Razer barely had time to bring up his own sword and parry.
“What was that for?” Razer snapped.
“What do you think you were doing back there?” Jake said coldly.
“Well, someone aimed a gun at you, so I took care of them. I didn’t realize that saving your life would make you want to kill me.”
“That was Aurora.”
Razer’s eyes widened for a moment, then he scowled.
“And how was I supposed to know that? I’ve never even met the girl!” He turned away. “It doesn’t matter now. If we move now, we can get away before the LEA get here.”

“No.”

Razer froze, then looked back. “What was that?” he asked darkly.
“I’m not doing this anymore. When I think about all the times you’ve hurt people, if they felt half of what I’m going through now… I’m through with this.”
“So, what? You’re gonna join the police? We both know how that’s gonna end.”
“No. What the government does to mutants is immoral. But you’re no better than they are.”
“Frost, you tried to kill me. I can forgive that of an ally, but if you leave, I’ll have to return the favour.”
Jake turned away. “Then that’s the price I’ll have to pay.”
Jake walked off into the night. “Goodbye, Razer.”

I’m slightly cautious about putting the overall plot in a public forum but it would be nice to be able to get advice from fellow writers. This is really my first superhero story I’ve ever attempted to write and I’d like for it to have the right flavor.

I finally managed to write one out between my MC and an evil super and was wondering if anyone would be willing to look over the scene and give me some pointers or advice on how to make it sound better.

Thanks in advance!

Cassandra